Loading summary
Transcript1 lines
- [00:00]
A
This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things that people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to progressive and save hundreds. Visit progressive.com to see what you can save. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations. Safeway and Albertsons have made saving easier than ever with great savings on family favorites this week at Safeway and Albertsons. USDA choice beef, boneless, tri tip whole or flankin style ribs bone in are $6.99 per pound member price and asparagus are $1.99 per pound member price plus 16 ounce strawberries. Six ounce raspberries or blackberries are $1.97 each. Limit three member price with digital coupon. Hurry in. These deals won't last. Visit safewayoralbertsons.com for more deals and ways to save. You're listening to Comedy Central. Monday was St. Patrick's Day, when Irish Americans honor their heritage with careful readings of the writings of James Joyce, group performances of traditional Irish music, and a somber reflection of the beauty of the Celtic language. But how do you celebrate being Irish in the Donald Trump era? Michael Costa hit the streets to find out. One of Trump's top priorities is getting rid of dei. DEI would have ruined our country, and now it's dead. Identity months are dead. Some of the months that they're targeting Black History Month, Pride Month, National Hispanic Heritage Month, Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month. But even though he hates celebrating these minority groups for some reason, there's one group he loves to celebrate. The Irish. Oh, I think the Irish love. We won the Irish with a tremendous amount of vote. They're great people, and they voted for me in heavy numbers, so I like them even more. So I stopped By New York's St. Patty's Day parade to see how Irish Trump supporters were celebrating their new status as Trump's BFFs. All right, what brings you here today? Come here to be with my friends and to show Trump that I support him. Yeah, I guess I'm confused. Is this a Trump rally or is this an Irish parade? It's an Irish Trump rally. Men in skirts. Trump is not gonna like that. Do you stand for dei? No, but we're here celebrating the minorities that are the Irish. Well, look, I'm very confused. You know, back in the 1800s, the Irish were minorities. They were coming overseas, you know, when they came across the ocean, I mean, they were discriminated against. They signed up and fought for the union in The Civil War. You can connect with how difficult it must have been for people to come over to the United. Be discriminated against, not be favored nations. You can connect with that. Yeah, well, what about other people that are doing that now? They need to wait in line. Look, I had in a former life, I had a foreign born spouse. Bye. Kiss me, I'm Irish. That shirt's dei. Kisses should be merit based. Hey, look, I think celebrating Black History Month is good. I think celebrating MLK who fought for our civil rights is incredible. I went up against the mandates in New York City. I fought for my civil rights because I was being discriminated against for not getting vaccinated. Right. This guy was just like mlk, except he didn't take a shot from the government. These Trump supporters also had a lot of other important observations. When I went to school, we had welding, we had shop. The kids don't have nothing anymore. They don't have nothing. My father taught me how to put wires in, plumbing, all that stuff. These kids don't know how to friggin. You don't think dads are teaching kids how to put wires in anymore? No, no, not really. But is that on the government or is that on the dad? I'd say it's the government. You think Trump knows how to put wires in? You think Trump put wires in here? You bet he does. He does. All right, there you have it. As long as Trump teaches kids how to put wires back in, he and the Irish are building a friendship that will last a lifetime. The EU was set up in order to take advantage of the United States, including Ireland. Is Ireland taking advantage of the U.S. of course they are. Well, that was quick. Pink hearts, yellow moons, green clovers, two black guys and a nasty hangover. Today is St. Petty's Day, and all over the country, thousands of Angela's asses hit the streets to celebrate, making it a great day for the Irish. But just an okay day if you were looking for a quiet tavern to talk, read, or have a white wine spritzer. Here in New York, paradegoers showed their true colors. St. Patrick's Day is our heritage. We gotta be here to see this parade in and respect the other people that are Irish. You know what I'm saying? Some people just command respect for their people, don't they? But not everyone celebrates the same way. Meet Lucy McLaughlin, an Irish woman living in New Zealand. Lucy's stupid. For her St. Patty's celebration, this plucky Irish lass had someone paint her plucky Irish ass. And then she jumped off a bridge. Lucy came up with the idea after her mother got upset with her for partying with friends one night and said to her, and if your friends painted themselves green and jumped off a bridge naked, would you do that too, Lucy? Lucy, you've got some splaining to do. That was amazing. I'll remember it forever. She then reportedly added, which is a miracle because after 15 years of binge drinking, I don't remember much of anything here. Lucy explains how she built up the nerve to jump. No, we had a quick little drink before, just for a bit of Dutch courage. She then reportedly added, and another few drinks after for a bit of Greek love. And that was headlines. Big green ass. As we just reported today, New York City celebrates St. Patrick's Day with its traditional parade. Our own Vance DeGeneres is there live as we speak, and he'll tell us that behind this parade is a rich Irish culture celebrating centuries of accomplishments and contributions to the tapestry that is America. It's not just one drunken mob scene. There's more to it than that. Vance that's right, John. It's one big drunken mob scene. And there's not much more to it than that. JOHN well, Vance, how's the parade going so far? Great. Great, John. It started about 11 o' clock this morning. Traditional participants include Irish folk bands, local labor unions, and in a tip of the hat to St Patrick, driving the snakes out of Ireland, Mayor Giuliani and a contingent of New York's finest will use the parade to drive minorities out of Manhattan. And John, I should mention that even hardcore New Yorkers really seem to be enjoying themselves today, soaking up the sunshine and using the parade as distraction to fondle and plant drugs on unsuspecting tourists. Then later in the day, the revelers will wind their way through the streets of Manhattan, eventually ending up in northern Manhattan for the traditional beating of the Protestants. VANCE I see. As in past years, the parade has banned gays from marching. Is there any backlash to that? Backlash? I don't know where you're getting your information from, John, because I don't think it could be any gayer. Men openly marching in skirts, sucking on large pipes attached to. Of course, we all know that Cardinal Tanner did approve the ban on gays in deference to St Patrick, who by the way, changed his name from Maywin Sukhat upon entering the priesthood, a tradition continued by priests to this very day, mainly to avoid the hassles of Megan's Law. Thank you very much, Vance. Excellent reporting. Please drive safely and Remember to take your hand out of your ear. There's a world where legends race across city skylines. Romance blossoms in glittering ballrooms, and there's magic around every corner. It's a world known to many as Great Britain. You've seen the action on screen. Now visit the real star of the show. Visit Great Britain. To discover more, go to tripadvisor.com Great Britain. The nation celebrates St. Patrick's Day. Sawdust and Lysol manufacturers celebrate day after St. Patrick's Day. Saturday was St. Patrick's Day, and throughout the land, proud Irish Americans poured into one of 3 million bars named the Blarney Stone to drink green beer and to pretend. Van Morrison's Moondance takes them back to the hills of old Dunkil Garney Dairy, Gannach Perdine o Glanner. All in all, it was a day celebrated with parades, parties in the traditional wearin o the green for the traditional camouflagein o the vomit. New York's parade, the country's largest, featured all the fixin's. How pleasing. To the delight of those gathered, the bagpipe ensemble later took requests to play their other song, Which is actually that song, Just faster. This year's parade once again excluded Irish American gays and lesbians. And once again, they were not pleased about it. We're Irish, we're queer and so are some of you. We're Irish, we're queer and so are some of you. All right. May not rhyme, but a quick note to the protesters. Next year, come up with the chant before the pub crawl. After the parade, many in the group made their way to the city's only gay Irish pub, Fisty McCramdenhands. There's old Fisty. And of course, again, cowboys drink free. And in Washington, President Bush met with Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern to discuss the peace process. As the British and Irish governments and the political parties now work together to complete the implementation of the Good Friday Agreement. It is good to be able to count on true friends. Ahern then turned to Bush and said, and of course, a true friend wouldn't keep trying to get me to say they're magically delicious. A recent poll. A recent poll found that while most Irish Americans know that St. Patrick was the patron saint of parades, few were aware how his parade has become the subject of great controversy. Morocco reports on how sometimes the luck of the Irish isn't enough. Everyone is Irish on St Patrick's Day, but Brendan Fay wants to ruin everyone's good time. What I want is for Irish lesbian and gay people to march in the St Patrick's parade under our own banner. But you're gay. Your parade is in the summer. Well, I'm Irish and gay. But that's impossible. According to Reverend Lou Sheldon of the Traditional Values Coalition, the Irish people are not homosexuals. And he wants to protect the heterosexual march that is the St. Patrick's Day parade. The homosexuals want to reign on the St. Patrick's Day parade. The Reverend has valid reason for concern. They do mouth to mouth, tongue to tongue kissing. They grab each other in the rectum and in the private parts of the front. These gay antics could ruin the St. Patrick's Day Parade. Describe for me the St. Patrick's Day Parade. Very majestic, very glorious, very religious, and a lot of dignity. How can you be trusted not to turn the St. Patrick's Day parade gay? I mean, look what you did to the Gay Pride parade. Well, it is a gay parade. Yeah, after you people got hold of it. When it comes to the parade controversy, Reverend Sheldon has science on his side. When homosexuals say that leprechauns could be gay, there is no scientific basis for that. So your research has shown that leprechauns are heterosexual? Of course. A leprechaun is defined as a tiny prancing cobbler with a penchant for gold. Where's the gay in that? I don't see any. The prancing part. Is that a little bit gay? Oh, no, no. A lot of people like to prance, but what does mean something is protecting his heritage. As an Irish Catholic, you feel offended. I'm a Presbyterian, so as an Irish Presbyterian, you feel offended. My father was English. My mother was an Orthodox Jew. So as an English Presbyterian, Orthodox Jew, you feel very protective of the St. Patrick's Day parade. That's right. The point is, a fey conspiracy is afoot. Today the Irish parade, tomorrow the Irish. Anybody they can land in their court, they're going to use. They might go after Liam Neeson. They certainly might go after Liam Neeson. U2. They may go after U2. They could even go after Rosie O'. Donnell. They already have Rosie O'. Donnell. She's already gay. They got her. Rosie O' Donnell has a huge crush on Tom Cruise. Those gays are unstoppable. If they got Rosie, no one is safe. They might even get the Lord of the Dance. Morocco. Ladies and gen, stellar report. Well done. Thank you. Done. Now, do you think. Do you think that the St. Patrick's Day parade will change if gay people march in it? Not really. John, let's face It. A parade is inherently gay. I mean, think about it. A crowd of singers and a gaggle of dancers perched atop floats, brightly painted papier mache. Yeah, but Mo, not all parades. I mean, what about military parades? Oh, John, come on. Uniforms, boots, chaps. It's even gayer. Chaps? What branch of the military wears chaps? Well, the cavalry, John. Mounted privates. I mean. I mean, how gay do you want it? Thank you, Mo. Morocco. We'll be right back. Dude, my knee is absolutely cooked. I feel like I'm 70. You tapping out already? Yeah, man. My knee's telling me to retire. Bro, you're never gonna feel young again if you're still rocking those crusty knee sleeves from 2005. What? Incrediwear. Dude, the Incrediwear knee sleeve. What the hell is that? This is what the pros use. Four of the last five NBA MVPs wore incrediwear. It's not squeeze your knee until it's numb compression. It actually increases blood flow and speeds recovery. Less pain, better healing feeling. And the best part? Wear it all day and walk like you're not 80. Wait, so it's not just cutting off my circulation and hoping for the best? Nope. It actually works. So you're coming back in or you're going to sit there and feel old? All right, let's go. Stop letting your knees bench you. Go to free socks.com grab the Incrediwear knee sleeve and get a free pair of Incrediwear socks. F R-E-E-S O X.com and get a free pair of socks with your knee sleeve purchase. Get back in the game. Keeping up with the news can feel like a full time job. And sometimes caring for a senior loved one feels the same way. If you're the one who schedules every appointment, preps every meal and handles every emergency, that's a lot to take on. Care.com is here to help. With Care.com you don't have to do it alone. You can find background checked caregivers for anything from companionship to dementia care. Or even browse senior living communities and read real reviews. Not sure what's best? Senior care advisors, who are all master's level social workers, can help you build a plan that fits your family. 29 million families have turned to care.com to find support for a limited time. Use the code pod20 for 20% off your initial care.com subscription. That's pod20. All one word. Good for 20% off. Start your senior care search today. When it's not you, its care dot com. As we know, our streets are boiling over in anger at these AIG bonus payments. John Oliver joins us now with more. John, we had you out there. We had you out there talking to the people. What was the atmosphere like? How are people feeling? Well, John, I might be a journalist first, but I'm a person second. And what I saw this afternoon was a nation in pain. Roll it, Chuck. The AIG bonus payments have sparked a populist uprising. People have been here since 8 in the morning stewing in their own anger. AIG bonus payout is bull. They were here to send a very clear message to Washington. The economy sucks. The economy. 165 million in bonuses just seems morally reprehensible. They're the bank of America, clearly. The government. The government doesn't run the bank. The government doesn't run the bank. What do you think of the argument that AIG is simply too big to fail? Too big to fail. They're angry at the bonus skins. They're angry at the bailout. They want to be heard. This woman is pressing her breasts up against my arm in an uncomfortable manner. Some were simply too angry for words and Best day of the year, while others were inappropriately articulate. It's because it's a decoupling of performance from pay which creates a series of perverse incentives that have been very much undermining the credibility and the AIG the controversy was just one of the scandals which brought people into the streets. Bernie Madoff is stealing J E T s Jets, Jets, Jets, Jets. In the hour and a half that I've been here, John, I've seen people passing out in anger, throwing up in anger, pissing up against the side of buildings in anger. All these people, John, working at investment banks just eight weeks ago now out here to protest. That's right. They're angry. They are angry. They want their jobs back. They want their jobs. Are you positive that that was a populous protest? Because it appeared that you might have been at the St. Patrick's Day parade, John. None of us can be 100% sure where I was. But there is one important thing I learned today. What would that be, John? J E G S Jakes Jenks. Yeah. Thank you, John. John Oliver, everybody. John Oliver, we'll be right back after this. Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody. Yeah, yeah, I. I have. I have to be honest. I don't really know much about St. Patrick. Uh, but judging by the way people honor him, his most famous miracle must have been turning nine pints of beer into Ten pints of vomit. Uh, apparently. Apparently this is supposed to be a religious holiday. Now, I'm no biblical scholar, but I don't remember Jesus telling his followers to commit literally every sin possible until their bodies shut off. That's not something I remember. Uh, ob. Look, obviously the truth is, St. Patrick's Day isn't very big in Africa. Like, you know, you're not gonna get a Nigerian guy who's like, ah, today everyone is Irish. Uh, in America, though. In America, though, a lot of people don't know this. Black people are the whole reason St. Patrick's Day happens, you see, because by not participating, you can have 6 million drunk white people screaming on the street. Yeah, but if one black guy showed up, one black, the cops would be like, okay, shut it down, shut it down. Shut it down. It's a riot. It's a riot. So you're welcome. You're welcome. White people enjoy it. Happy St Patrick's Day for tomorrow, everybody. It's gonna be exciting. I believe the parade is back on exciting times. You know what's gonna be fun this year is seeing some of the people who still wanna wear a mask but wanna be a part of a parade, which is completely fine. Some people still wanna wear masks for certain things, but they're gonna do it. It's gonna be interesting to see how masks handle it when you throw up inside of them. Cause we've done everything with our masks. But this is gonna be a great new thing to see how it works. You know, just like inside the mask, it might actually help. Cause a lot of the time, the throwing up, the thing that makes it terrible is that it goes out. A lot of the time I've thought, ah, I didn't want this to go out. I just could have kept it in. Close your eyes. Exhale. Feel your body relax, and let go of whatever you're carrying today. Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-contacts. Oh, my gosh, they're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. I was. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800-contacts.com today to save on your first order. 1-800-contacts. New year, new me. Cute. But how about new year, new money? With Experian, you can actually take control of your finances. Check your FICO score, find ways to save and get matched with credit card offers, giving you time to power through those New Year's goals, you know you're gonna crush start the year off right. Download the Experian app based on FICO scoring model offers an approval not guaranteed. Eligibility requirements and terms apply subject to credit check which may impact your credit scores. Offers not available in all states. See experian.com for details. Experian. Welcome back. Before we go, we're checking with our good friend Stephen Colbert at the Gobert report. Stephen, happy St. Patrick's Day to you, boy. Shore and begora, my friend. How are you? John? Wow, I didn't even know that was in there. Well done, Seamus Colbert. Thank you very much. I'm excited for. I know there's St Patrick's Day and then obviously the Passover parade for my people. Absolutely. Yes, yes, yes. Now they, they hurl. They hurl frogs and locusts at you while you're. Exactly. Here's what happens. We all drink Manischevic. Get in a line in March. Actually, it's not really a parade, more of an exodus. Yeah, usually we're leaving. That was the original. Now here it is, your moment of Zen. Simply the morning to you. Top of the morning to ya. We've got more weather and then after that, some news. Top of the morning to you. Top of the morning to you. Just a wee bit there, Lottie. Blizzard conditions balance through. Why won't he shut up? Top of the morning to you. Oh, I didn't know you spoke Irish. I speak leprechaun, thank you very much, Ashley O'. Sutton. And we'll be seeing you at 11. Join in to the Irish dance we got going with you this afternoon. Some clouds are on now. What about the commute this morning? Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcast, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. Plus, Paramount podcasts Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone paying big Wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying. No judgments. But that's weird. Okay, one judgment anyway. Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month required intro rate first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full terms@mintmobile.com with its two juicy beef patties and three slices of melted cheese topped with tangy Big Arch sauce. The Big Arch is what happens happens when you start making a McDonald's burger and never stop. The Big Arch the most McDonald's McDonald's burger yet for a limited time with its two juicy beef patties and three slices of melted cheese topped with tangy Big Arch sauce. The Big Arch is what happens when you start making a McDonald's burger and never stop. The Big Arch the most McDonald's McDonald's burger yet for a limited time.