TDS Time Machine | Stephen Colbert

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Daily Show: Ears Edition

Episode: TDS Time Machine | Stephen Colbert
Date: May 17, 2026

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Overview

This special "TDS Time Machine" episode is both a tribute and a retrospective to the career and comedic legacy of Stephen Colbert on The Daily Show and beyond. Featuring Jon Stewart, the Daily Show team, and a parade of classic segments, sketches, and call-backs, it highlights the evolution of Colbert’s signature satire, his journey from correspondent to late-night icon, and his impact on satirical news. The episode also addresses the recent cancellation of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, reflecting on the broader state of late-night television in 2026.

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Key Sections and Discussion Points

1. Classic Stephen Colbert Field Reports and Segments

[01:01–04:16]

• Nostalgia TV Protest: Stephen investigates cable providers pulling Nostalgia TV and interviews "biker grannies" protesting for their classic shows, filled with Colbert’s signature deadpan and absurd interview questions.
  • Quote: “‘Not good.’ That’s two words, just in one word. Not good.” – Colbert, mocking an interviewee's emotional response (02:04)
• Features satirical reference to “Matlock” never having actually aired on Nostalgia TV, and the notion of grandma motorcycle gangs “hopping on their hogs” to protest.

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2. Even Stephen: Debate Sketch with Steve Carell

[04:16–07:14]

• Satirical Debate on Natural Disasters: Colbert and “Stephen Currell” (Steve Carell) parody cable news debates, feuding over whether the government should regulate disasters.
  • Quote: “It’s time for those fat cats down in Washington to get off their keisters and pass legislation outlawing these hurricanes and tornadoes forever. Or maybe you just hate children.” – Colbert (05:39)
  • Quote: “If tornadoes are outlawed, then only outlaws will have tornadoes.” – Carell (06:00)
• Debate devolves into insult comedy and meta-commentary on the absurdity of political punditry.

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3. Environmental Satire: The Snakehead Crisis

[07:20–10:44]

• Colbert proposes escalating, ludicrous solutions (piranhas, scorpions, owls, African condors, then napalm) to eradicate invasive Chinese snakeheads, lampooning bad policy and bureaucratic inertia.
  • Quote: “It’s a circle of life, John. It’s a beautiful thing to behold.” – Colbert (10:26)
• Satire of governmental overkill and the cascading effects of ecological interference.

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4. "Colbert Interviews" – Reverend Al Sharpton

[11:19–14:51]

• Colbert, in his faux-hardball style, interviews Rev. Al Sharpton, lampooning candidate soundbites and campaign theater.
  • Comic bit where Colbert and Sharpton trade places in a parody of political interview cross-talk.
  • Quote: “Are you running to stick it to the man?” – Colbert (12:07)
  • Quote: “Let’s pretend for a moment that I’m the man. Now stick it to me.” (12:43)
• Jokes about Sharpton’s hunger strike and the absurdity of cable news post-debate analysis.

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5. Hollywood and the Emmy Afterparty

[15:03–18:36]

• Colbert delivers a mock report from the Shrine Auditorium on “Hollywood debauchery” after the Emmys, using baroque, hilariously graphic language to spoof showbiz rumor-mongering.
  • Quote: “Gowns and tuxedos tossed like jetsam as their A-list owners... descended headlong into a world of sexual madness...” (15:33)
  • Jon Stewart dryly corrects: “Stephen, I was there. That did not happen.” (16:50)
• Meta-joke about Colbert wanting more career visibility and “jumping ship” to bigger opportunities.

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6. International Scandal Satire

[18:36–21:56]

• John interviews Colbert, allegedly reporting live from London about royal scandals; Colbert delivers a parade of sly innuendo and witty double-entendres on “press discretion” and British aristocratic eccentricity.
  • Quote: “It’s a story I could really wrap my hands around... work this story long and hard... until it builds to a huge climax and explodes all over the front pages.” (19:18)
  • Concludes: “Mainly how gay it is, John.” – Colbert on British aristocracy (22:18)

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7. “This Week in God” (Religion Roundup and Satire)

[22:27–28:03]

• Meta-fatwa: Colbert covers “fatwa on fatwas,” Rapture timing errors, Rastafarian history, and lampoons televangelist Pat Robertson’s prayer offensive for Supreme Court vacancies.
  • Quote: “Wow. A fatwa on other fatwas. A fatwa squared. A meta fatwa, if you will.” – Colbert (23:50)
  • Quote: “Hey, Quetzalcoatl. Nice feathers. Did they have a men’s department where you got those?” (25:17)
• Concludes with humorous religious trivia and Colbert’s insincere well-wishes for Jewish listeners on Tisha B’Av.

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8. Birth of The Colbert Report

[29:59–31:40]

• John Stewart introduces the creation and impending debut of The Colbert Report, a mock news program with Colbert’s “truthy” persona.
  • Quote: “Tired of news programs that only give you one side of the story or the other? Well, he’ll give you neither. Tune in to The Colbert Report. It’s French, bitch.” – Colbert (30:36)
  • Satirical no-fact zone and the “arrogant” savior complex of cable news personalities.

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9. The Colbert 'Presidential Run' Announcement

[34:36–38:13]

• In an over-the-top style, Colbert teases and then “announces” a possible presidential run, but only in South Carolina as a meta-joke.
  • Quote: “Tonight I, Stephen Colbert, am officially announcing that I have decided to officially consider whether or not I will announce that I am running for President of the United States.” (36:06)
  • Quote: “Should I? This is crazy.” – Colbert, embracing and mocking campaign spectacle (37:17)
  • Self-deprecating Appalachian turd miner backstory gag.

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10. Colbert's Departure and Sentimental Farewell

[39:15–48:23]

• Emotional and comedic send-off, parodying the tradition of TV hosts dramatically “retiring” and reflecting on legacy.
  • Quote: “It’s become clear to me that I’ve won television. At this point, I’m just running up the score.” (39:43)
  • Satirical hobo future: “Maybe ride the rails... and Annabelle, the one-eyed prostitute who has a heart of gold. And don’t you dare call her a whore, Joe.” (40:18)
• Colbert requests a highlight reel; instead, delivers a meta-montage of favorite bits and persona lore.
• Touching direct tribute to Jon Stewart, breaking through the comedy to deliver heartfelt thanks:
  • Quote: “You are infuriatingly good at your job... all of us who were lucky enough to work with you for 16 years are better

Transcript

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[Stephen Colbert]

Zootopia 2 has come home to Disney.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Let's go get ready for a new case.

[Stephen Colbert]

We're gonna crack this case and prove we're victorious.

[Stephen Currell (Fictional Debate Opponent)]

Partners of all time.

[Commercial Announcer]

New friends.

[Stephen Colbert]

You are Gary the Snake and your last name Desnake.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Dream Team.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

Hidden new habitats.

[Stephen Colbert]

Zootopia has a secret reptile population. You can watch the record breaking phenomenon at home. You're clearly working. Zootopia 2.

[Commercial Announcer]

Now available on Disney Plus.

[Stephen Colbert]

Rated PG. You're listening to Comedy Central. In tonight's investigative report, Stephen Colbert, the newest member of the Daily show, takes a walk on the mild side. The 90s have seen an explosion in the telecommunications industry. And with the promised 500 channels, you'd think there'd be room for everyone. A cable teat for every viewer. Piglet. But with the media sows battling for the financial slop, some little piggies have none. So when nostalgia TV had trouble finding a home on America's cable systems, an aggravated gang of devoted viewers banded together to keep the shows they love on the air. When you found out that nostalgia TV might be pulled up, in a word, how did that make you feel? Not good.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

I like that.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's two words, just in one word. Not good. Gavin McCloud, a reaction. What's your favorite TV show on Nostalgia TV? On Nostalgia TV it would be Matlock. For the record, Matlock has never appeared on the network, but you get the idea. It's that kind of cutting edge programming that compels citizens to unleash their fury. Are you aware there's a show on nostalgia channel called Quilt in a Day? I have my borders added and I already. So they're talking about getting up at midnight quilting non stop with a catheter or something? Yeah, I couldn't do that. Is that something we want to be nostalgic for? It might seem these little old ladies would stand no chance against the media behemoths. But these aren't any little old ladies. These are the biker grannies. Raise hands. How many people read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance? And you're satisfied that you've exhausted all peaceful means of resolving this? Absolutely. So they hopped on their hogs for the grandmother of all protests. Ground zero. I'm in the middle of a tinderbox and these women are flames. Heaven help us if there's gunpowder. Go rubber. How many more have to die before they get what they want? Are there bullets in your gun?

[Apollo Sales Announcer]

Of course there's bullets in my gun.

[Stephen Colbert]

Were you told to have them today? Have bullets in your gun?

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

That's it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do you watch nostalgia tv? No. Oh, my God. Somebody stop this.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

We're only getting better. We still got a lot of living to do.

[Stephen Colbert]

The day is done, but the biker Grammys are not. New York City is now just another notch on whatever it is old women who ride motorcycles might use to measure things. For the Daily Show, I'm Stephen Colbert.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Media punditry. The very words mean almost nothing. With that in mind, two of our senior news analysts square off on the issues we deem important. Once again, even Stephen with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell.

[Stephen Currell (Fictional Debate Opponent)]

Do you think that you're an idiot?

[Stephen Colbert]

You're a total freak. Good evening. I'm Stephen Colbert.

[Stephen Currell (Fictional Debate Opponent)]

And I'm Stephen Currell.

[Stephen Colbert]

In the last two months, natural disasters have been ravaging our country. Hurricanes on the coast, tornadoes in the Midwest, and flooding everywhere in between. Billions of dollars of damage paid for by you, the taxpayer.

[Stephen Currell (Fictional Debate Opponent)]

Tonight's weather, good or bad?

[Stephen Colbert]

Bad. Good.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

Bad.

[Stephen Colbert]

Every time a Floyd or a Gert lifts their skirt and relieves themselves on the East, Uncle Sam feels obliged to crawl underneath the plate class coffee table and throw $20 bills around. Well, I say show's over, folks. It's time to pull the plug on weather.

[Stephen Currell (Fictional Debate Opponent)]

Balderdash. The federal government should stay out of the natural disaster business. Today they're controlling the weather, and tomorrow, who knows? Federal income tax. I bet you and your friend Stalin would like that.

[Stephen Colbert]

You, sir, are an idiot. And I'll tell you why. It's time for those fat cats down in Washington to get off their keisters and pass legislation outlawing these hurricanes and tornadoes forever. Or maybe you just hate children.

[Stephen Currell (Fictional Debate Opponent)]

No, I hate you. If tornadoes are outlawed, then only outlaws will have tornadoes. I'm.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm curious, Steve. What's the weather like? Up your own ass? Clearly. Clearly, we must close our borders to undesirable foreign weather.

[Stephen Currell (Fictional Debate Opponent)]

All right, all right. You, sir, are a racist.

[Stephen Colbert]

Damn right. And as a racist, I propose a simple series of giant fans on the Mexican and Canadian borders. Maybe then Johnny would know how to read.

[Stephen Currell (Fictional Debate Opponent)]

Well, thank you very Much. Steven, you've just made me vomit in my own mouth. If people can't get tornadoes here, then they're just going to go down to Mexico where there's no regulation at all. I say keep tornadoes safe and legal.

[Stephen Colbert]

Bottom line, tornadoes kill people.

[Stephen Currell (Fictional Debate Opponent)]

No, no, no, Stephen. Tornadoes don't kill people. Flying debris kills people.

[Stephen Colbert]

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Puppy dogs and ice cream.

[Stephen Currell (Fictional Debate Opponent)]

I'm Stephen.

[Stephen Colbert]

And I'm Stephen.

[Stephen Currell (Fictional Debate Opponent)]

And this was even Steven.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

With more on the northern snakehead. We take you out live to Stephen Colbert, who joins us now, our animal control expert. Stephen, has there been any progress in finding a solution to the environmental devastation being caused by these Chinese snakeheads?

[Stephen Colbert]

John, officials here are really grasping at straws. They're talking about administering electrical shocks to the water. They're toying with the idea of poisoning the waterways to flush the snakehead out. But they'll probably just kick those proposals back to some subcommittee that'll issue a report. And by next Friday, snakeheads will be swimming into your toilet bowl and snapping at your produce.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

So in your mind, you're not hopeful about these government efforts?

[Stephen Colbert]

John, all I know is that the fat cats at the Maryland Department of Natural Resources are up to their swanky penthouse suites, counting their money and doing the Charleston, while real frogs and real trout down here with real families are really suffering. Sorry, John. I just get so emotional when I talk about trout.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

But these government agencies, they know what they're doing. They face this kind of environmental issue.

[Stephen Colbert]

John, listen, I may not have a detailed environmental impact report or a fancy degree or knowledge, but I do have something those bureaucrats horse sense. That's why I've taken the liberty of solving the problem myself. Free of charge, no questions asked.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Well, that's wonderful. How did you do that, Steven?

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, the snakehead doesn't have any natural predators in the ponds and streams. It's at the top of the food chain. Not anymore, thanks to the piranhas.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

I'm sorry, Piranhas?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes, John. I've just dropped a few from my personal collection in the pond to rid these waterways of the snakehead once and for all. No need to thank me.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

But you know, that may not do it because as you know, the snakehead can crawl up onto the land. That's the problem with them. They can survive outside of that pond and infest new waterways. The piranhas may not get to them all.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, John, that's where the scorpions come in. I've covered the entire area. Black back widowmakers, thousands of them. Probably too many. But I got them on the cheap. Anyway, it's a full snakehead containment zone with scorpions surrounding the pond all the way over to the playground by the elementary school.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

I don't mean to be a naysayer, Stephen. How are you going to contain the scorpions owls?

[Stephen Colbert]

A few well placed spotted and great horned owls could easily handle the scorpions. What about the African condors, John? Now I know they're not indigenous to the reason, but just a couple of African condors will hunt down and kill the fiercely breeding swarms of owls. Once they've taken care of the scorpions who've done in the snakeheads. The ones who weren't killed by the piranhas. It's a circle of life, John. It's a beautiful thing to behold.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Stephen, this is kind of the whole problem though with this kind of environmental management. Aren't you worried that introducing these new species to an area might have some dire consequences?

[Stephen Colbert]

No, not when I'm standing next to a couple of canisters of napalm. John, do we have any problems? We'll turn this area into the surface of the moon.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Thank you very much. Steven, you keep on the cake.

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[John (Interviewer/Host)]

It's my distinct honor to welcome our Senior Political Analyst, Mr. Stephen Colbert to the show.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you, John.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Nice to see you, Stephen.

[Stephen Colbert]

Tonight marks the first installment of my award winning series of interviews where I get inside the minds of news. Who will talk to me tonight? Reverend Al Sharpton on Stephen Colbert's interviews. I could get. Reverend Sharpton, first of all, thank you for agreeing to meet me here in Harlem.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

Thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

You seem to be running to give a voice to the voiceless, the disenfranchised. Isn't that a tactical campaign mistake? It seems like the voiced and the franchise have a lot more money.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

I know that money alone cannot win an election.

[Stephen Colbert]

How much money is in your war chest?

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

I don't know. The figure is not a lot.

[Stephen Colbert]

How much is the chest itself worth?

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

Is the chest? What do you mean by that?

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, sometimes the chest can be worth more than what's in it. For instance, I have Some beautiful leather luggage. But basically inside it's just T shirts. It's. It's ironic in street lingo. Are you running to stick it to the man?

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

I don't know what street you got that language.

[Stephen Colbert]

The urban street, the mean streets.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

I'm sticking up for a lot of people that have felt that no one has stuck up for them. But I'm not trying to stick it

[Stephen Colbert]

to anyone, not even the man.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

Who's the man?

[Stephen Colbert]

Let's pretend for a moment that I'm the man. Now stick it to me.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

I'm not sticking it to anyone, not even the man.

[Stephen Colbert]

He's very stickable.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

I don't get thrilled by sticking it to you. I get thrilled by stopping you sticking it. You're sticking it to me.

[Stephen Colbert]

Pretend that I'm you, the Reverend Al Sharpton. And you're me, Stephen Colbert. Tell me why me you should vote for you. Me?

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

You're Reverend Al Sharpton.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm the Reverend Al Sharpton. You're Stephen Colbert. Tell.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

Tell me, Al Sharpton.

[Stephen Colbert]

Tell me you why you me should vote for me.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

You.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

Because you me are the best candidate. And you oughta know that.

[Stephen Colbert]

Gonna have to back that up. Cause right now you aren't persuading you.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

You should stop listening to the pundits. You should just be Al Sharpton and prepare for your inauguration.

[Stephen Colbert]

That sounds like something I would say.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

I know. That's why I was you.

[Stephen Colbert]

You do have some foreign policy experience. Tell me what happened in Vieicus.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

I was arrested and sentenced to 90 days in jail for protests and navy bombings in Vieques. Okey doke and I decided that I would fast while I was in jail. The first 40 days I didn't eat or partake of anything but liquids.

[Stephen Colbert]

You were pretty svelte by the end of that hunger strike. But if you don't mind me saying so, it looks like you could use to take another principled stance.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

I appreciate the advice, Reverend.

[Stephen Colbert]

Look, this is Thursday afternoon before the debate, but I'm not gonna be able to make it to the debate tonight. So let's just do our post debate analysis now, okay? How do you think Wesley Clark did?

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

Well, I think he did all right. I think that.

[Stephen Colbert]

Weren't you shocked when Dennis Kucinich called you that terrible word? Well, it's alright when black people call each other that, but I was shocked.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

I don't think that Dennis meant what he said.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's a hard slip of the tongue to believe.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

I don't hold it against Dennis.

[Stephen Colbert]

What was your best moment?

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

Walking on stage so it was a

[Stephen Colbert]

home run for you.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

On to the next debate.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you. Thank you so much for your time.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

Thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Good luck tonight.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

Come back to Harlem anytime.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

Stephen Colbert. Glad he would talk to you. Thank you.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Obviously, it was an extremely nice night here for everyone at the Daily show, but unfortunately for us, we're at the Emmys not just as participants, but also as journalists. Have you folks seen the program before or. We were, as journalists, covering the event. And we're going to go live now to Stephen Colbert, who's actually still in Los Angeles, outside the Shrine Auditorium. Stephen, nice to see you, my friend. Tell us about the night.

[Stephen Colbert]

It was magical, John. Forget the Hubble telescope. If you wanted to see stars on Sunday night, the Shrine Auditorium was the place to be. All your favorite celebrities were on hand for a celebration of television excellence. But the fun really began after the Emmys at the Governor's Ball, when the industry gathered to raise a glass to the winners. And that's when the started. I'm sorry, the banging, John. The banging. The bumping uglies. The meat pile. Gowns and tuxedos tossed like jetsam as their A list owners, in the full bloom of arousal, donned goat head masks and descended headlong into a world of sexual madness. A mindless hive of frenzied coitus. Writhing bodies, flesh on fluid, a deep stank of human musk rising to the rafters like some forbidden incense offered to Eros, dark God of gratified desire. All in all, a magical night.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Stephen, I was there. That did not happen.

[Stephen Colbert]

You left too early, John. It all started right after the lobster salad course. You know, it's funny. I used to criticize Los Angeles that it was superficial, that it was a town where you were only as good as your last project. But that's when I was on the outside. Now. Now I see how wrong I was. Do you know this thing is redeemable for one supermodel or two regular sized models? Which reminds me, I'm gonna be out here a couple more weeks. I got some meetings to take.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Stephen, you can't stay out there. We've got the Democratic debate on Thursday. The California recall election's a week from Tuesday. We have a lot of work to do.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. Look, don't get me wrong. I love the people at the Daily Show. They're great, some of them, but the show has clearly peaked. So I'm gonna jump off now and pull the ripcord while I'm still high enough for my parachute to fully deploy. I won't be out here long? Just long enough to take the first show that pays me more money and or features me more prominently.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

I think they like the story better.

[Stephen Colbert]

I don't blame em, John. I don't blame them. Everybody loves the monkey butter. It's a Hollywood term.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

I understand. It's gonna take me a while to wash that one out of the brain, but thank you. Listen, back here. We wish you all the luck out there.

[Stephen Colbert]

Who needs luck, John? This is Hollywood. What could possibly go wrong? I gotta go. I'm having my chin done. All right, John.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Thank you very much, Stephen. Stephen Colbert in Los Angeles. With more on this very unusual situation, we turn to Daily show senior correspondent Stephen Colbert. He joins us now live from London. Stephen, thank you very much for joining us.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

Thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Aloha, John.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Steven. This has become a huge story overnight, but no one seems to know what these allegations are about. Have you been able to learn any of the specifics?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes, I have, John.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

What? What are they afraid?

[Stephen Colbert]

I can't tell you that. You see, I'm in jolly old England. As you can tell by Big Ben behind me. Sorry. The Houses of Parliament and slander laws here prevent me from saying anything. Believe me, I wish I could. This is a story I could really wrap my hands around. I mean, I'd love to grab this story by the hilt and work this story long and hard. Maybe teasing you with a few details, make you beg for the story until it builds to a huge climax and explodes all over the front pages. That would be great, but the press must be discreet, John.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Stephen, the press is just playing a coy game. The very language of your metaphor implies a much more salacious story than the truth could ever be. Why don't you just come out and say there's an allegation the prince had a gay experience.

[Stephen Colbert]

Your words, not mine, John. But I tell you this much, if it was substantiated, Just imagine, John, just imagine what that would do to the monarchy.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

What would that do to the monarchy?

[Stephen Colbert]

Probably nothing. The royal family is pretty much just a tourist trap at this point. Nevertheless, it is a great story. It's the type of story the reporter waits his entire career not to be able to report on. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've been invited to a grouse hunting party in Shropshire. It's just a few dozen men, some stable boys, all of us in kilts, naturally, Drinking a few yards of ale. And here's the fun part, John. Whoever shoots the fuse. Whoever shoots. Whoever shoots the fewest grouse has to go through the spanking machine.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Stephen, I have to tell you that story, or what I heard of it all sounds pretty gay.

[Stephen Colbert]

Not gay, John. Aristocratic. It's a. It's a different culture than ours.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

And what's different about it?

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

You know, mainly.

[Stephen Colbert]

Mainly how gay it is. John,

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

We turn now to religion. It's something all of our lives are. For an update on who touched you and where, we turn to our own Stephen Colbert and this Week in God.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hi, I'm Stephen Colbert and welcome to this Week in God. First off, a correction. Last week I reported the Rapture was coming sometime Thursday afternoon. Well, it turns out I was wrong. And we got some pretty angry emails on Friday. My apologies to anyone who quit their jobs and or stopped watering their plants. The Rapture will in fact occur next Thursday. That should take care of that. So let's bring up the God machine. Smack it. Islam. Moderate Islam. For years, Islamic extremists have issued fatwas to demonize their targets. But last week, modern American Islamic leaders issued a fatwa of their own. Islam strictly condemns religious extremism and the use of violence against innocent lives.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

There is no justification in Islam for extremism or terrorism.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow. A fatwa on other fatwas. A fatwa squared. A meta fatwa, if you will. You know, that's really one for the fatwa fans. The anti violence fatwa will be brought to the American public by way of public service announcements like this one. As Muslims, we want to state clearly

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

that those who commit acts of terror in the name of Islam are betraying the teachings of the Quran and the Prophet Muhammad.

[Stephen Currell (Fictional Debate Opponent)]

Powerful.

[Stephen Colbert]

Let's just hope the terrorists are up at 3am watching the PAX Network. Bless this mess. Rastafarianism. Last week, 60 Rastafari from around the world gathered in Guyana to press for global tolerance of their religious views. Among their demands, a call for widespread legalization of marijuana, which they consider a sacrament. Wait a second. Marijuana is a sacrament and you could only get 60 people to show up? Where are you getting your stuff? Listen, I know a guy. Talk to me later when God's not watching. Now many people are unaware Rastafarianism is a religious movement. A few facts. It emerged in Jamaica in the 1930s. Its followers worship the late Ethiopian emperor Haile Selassie as their God. Its symbol is the lion of Judah. And that white guy in your dorm with the dreadlocks isn't one. He's just in it for the sacraments. Now it's time for this week's blasphemy. When I Stephen Colbert, mock a deity to find out whether he, she or it is really this week I'm saying a big screw you to the ancient Aztec God Quetzalcoatl. Alright. Hey, Quetzalcoatl. Nice feathers. Did they have a men's department where you got those? And what's with the mouth? Did you descend into the netherworld and outwit Mictlantecuhtli, lord of the dead, to collect bones and sprinkle them with your own blood to create humankind with that mouth? Show me what you got. You have five seconds to strike me down. Quetzalcoatl, plumed serpent, God of the Aztecs. You are a pussy. What is the sound of one hand smacking? The power of prayer Update. Back in 2003, televangelist Pat Robertson launched his Supreme Court prayer offensive, asking viewers to pray for vacancies in the court. So how's it going? Two years ago, I felt an urgent

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

need for America to pray for a dramatic change in the US Supreme Court.

[Stephen Colbert]

Now we are witnessing God's answer to our prayers. It took two years for God to answer Pat Robertson's prayer. What's God been doing? Oh, yeah, alright. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, I get it and I get it. Movement of the planets and everything. Anyway, now Justice o' Connor is out of the Supreme Court picture, so is Pat Robertson satisfied?

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Take control, Lord. We ask for additional vacancies on the court.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hmm. Being a Supreme Court justice is a lifetime appointment. So what could all this mean for elderly liberal justice John Paul Stevens? Ooh, rough prayer breakfast. Well, that about does it for this week and this week in God. But you know, before we go, I'd like to wish all of our Jewish friends a happy Tisha B'Av.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Actually, Stephen. Stephen. Yes, I don't mean to interrupt. Tisha Bob is actually a day of mourning.

[Stephen Colbert]

Really? Okay, well, in that case, have a very mournful Tisha bar.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

Milk?

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Botox Advertisement Speaker]

I get so many headaches every month.

[Stephen Colbert]

It could be chronic migraine. Fifteen or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more.

[Botox Advertisement Speaker]

Botox. Onobotulinum toxin A prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine. It's not for Those who have 14 or fewer headache days a month. Prescription Botox is injected by your doctor. Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection causing serious symptoms. Alert your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems or muscle weakness can be signs of a life threatening condition. Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk. Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck and injection site pain, fatigue and headache. Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms and dizziness. Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection. Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions including including als, Lou Gehrig's disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert Eaton syndrome and medications including botulinum toxins as these may increase the risk of serious side effects.

[Stephen Colbert]

Why wait? Ask your doctor. Visit botoxchronicmigraine.com or call 1-844botox to learn more.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

A while back we created a fictional program known as the Colbert Rapport. It was a vehicle where Stephen Colbert would basically, in a megalomaniacal way, bring his opinions to the fore of the issues of the day. It was very funny, quite a joke. Anyway, Comedy Central ended up buying the show, So now we are going to have to actually produce it. To give you just a tiny taste of what it is that you're in for, please check out this lovely preview.

[Stephen Colbert]

Tired of news programs that only give you one side of the story or the other? Well, he'll give you neither. Tune in to the Colbert Report. It's French bitch. The Colbert Report, where I say whatever's on my mind and a few things that aren't. Look, no one I know has ever been killed by a landmine. How bad could it be? Chicago, tired of statements backed up by research? Then take a spin in the no fact zone. You know, they ought to pay attention to the 8 million Democrats who deserted

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Gore and voted for Bush.

[Stephen Colbert]

Try to get them back.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

They ought to start actively registering 9

[Stephen Colbert]

million African American voters. Come on home to Colbert County. So what makes you think these voiceless Africans need you to speak? Speak for them ass. A bit arrogant, ain't it? Gouverna the Colbert Report. Because right or wrong, I'm right and you're wrong.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

Welcome back to the program.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Now, before we go, we're going to check in on what's coming up on the new show, the Colbert Report with our own Stephen Colbert. What can we expect tonight?

[Stephen Colbert]

Stephen John, first of all, I've been watching the feed and I got to tell you, you look tired. Everything all right at home?

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Yeah, everything's fine. At home. Steven, thanks for asking. You ready for tonight's show?

[Stephen Colbert]

Very ready. Feel like I've been doing the show for years. Six years, in fact. I feel like the first two years were pretty good. Started out strong, then I hit a bit of a lull, had some substance abuse issues, came back and for the last four years, strong as an ox.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Stephen, we're really excited about the show tonight.

[Stephen Colbert]

Me, too, John. I really feel like I'm going to make a lot of money doing this.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

All right, we'll see you in a little bit.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Staying with the campaign theme, Al Gore's Nobel Prize win has once again ignited speculation about a possible presidential run. But another well coiffed Southerner appears to be stealing his buzz.

[Stephen Colbert]

A lot of people see this book as me testing the waters for a presidential run.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Are you saying here tonight?

[Stephen Colbert]

I am not saying anything, Larry. What are you asking me? It's just not a question I'm ready to answer right now.

[Commercial Announcer]

Are you thinking about running for the big one?

[Stephen Colbert]

For God? Go down one more notch.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

One notch. President. Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen Colbert.

[Stephen Colbert]

Come on. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

Thank you so much.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you. Thank you. I don't know where your audience has been. John.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Stephen.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, sorry, John. Hold on one second.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Yeah, I'm sorry. What's that? I see that appear. Do you need some helmets? Now that. That's a hay bale. That's.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's great to be back, John. It's great to be back. Back with the people.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Very nice.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do you want one? That's what people do, John. I'm an average Joe.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

No, listen, I know that you never lost touch with your roots. I, I, it's great to see you, but I believe, I believe if I heard correctly, you may have an announcement.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do I?

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Isn't that I thought. Isn't that why you called me to come on today?

[Stephen Colbert]

Save the passive aggression for your next Lynn Chaney interview.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

John.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Just, But I thought that you had a. Just.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's on the card. It's on the card.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

You can't just say it.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's not how it's done.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Stephen, forgive me for prying. I know how you hate the spotlight. But, but the people, Steven, read it. The people cry out for a hero.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

Art.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

I see. In the stage direction, too, curiously. Are you planning a run for President of the United States?

[Stephen Colbert]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm glad you asked, John, because tonight I, Stephen Colbert, am officially announcing that I have decided to officially consider whether or not I will announce that I Am running for President of the United States. And I will be. Yes, yes.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Very exciting news.

[Stephen Colbert]

And I will be meeting announcement of that decision very soon, preferably on a more prestigious show.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Wait, Stephen, that's. He's right. I give props when you're right. Basically, though, the announcement tonight is you have decided whether or not to announce

[Stephen Colbert]

that I, Stephen Colbert, am running for President in South Carolina.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Say the last part again.

[Stephen Colbert]

In South Carolina, John. The greatest state in America. Go Gamecocks and. Or Clemson Tigers.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

You're just gonna run in South Carolina? What about the rest of the country?

[Stephen Colbert]

Hold on. Mount Rush. Me? I didn't even say I'm running yet. I mean, should I. This is. This is crazy.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

This is crazy. This is.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Let me just say, not to be devil's advocate, what qualifies you?

[Stephen Colbert]

I know, John.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

I know.

[Stephen Colbert]

Who would have thought that the son of a poor Appalachian turd miner, the grandson of a goatball licker, born in the town of. Could be President one day. Could be President of the United States. Only in America, John.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

What's the next, Stephen?

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, obviously it's a big decision, John. Something I have to think through over

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

the kitchen table with your wife and kids.

[Stephen Colbert]

Sure, they could come too, but, you know.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

Shh.

[Stephen Colbert]

Daddy's thinking.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Well, good luck with that decision.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you, Jonah. One more thing. Do you have any cash? Because I am wearing my show suit and I don't carry a wallet and I have to pay Sam.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

We still have the petty cash drawer. It's up in my office, so you can just grab it.

[Reverend Al Sharpton]

Okay, thanks.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

It's great to see you. Thank you very much. Stephen Colbert, everybody.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

We'll be right back.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

We had a little fun, the first act. But the second act is where it really gets going. It's not often that we get the chance to delve into the minutia of a fiscal year budget resolution, but tonight, that is exactly what we're doing for the next 10 minutes.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

What. What are you. Oh. What are you. What are you.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

What are you doing here?

[Stephen Colbert]

John, I have some terrible news. You'd better sit down.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Stephen. I'm. I'm sitting down. There's hardly ever a time where I'm really not sitting down on the show, so.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, John, is there any way you could sit more? John, this is gonna come as something. As a shock to you.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

You're ending your show.

[Stephen Colbert]

John, please. I'm. I'm ending my show. I have to. John, don't beg me to stay.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

All right?

[Stephen Colbert]

You see, there is no mountain left for me to climb. It's become clear to me that I've won television. At this point, John. John, at this point, I'm. I'm just running up the score.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Well, it's, it's. It's obviously it's not. It's not really a contest.

[Stephen Colbert]

Not anymore, John.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Cause you see, John, almost nine years ago, I promised to change the world. And together I did it.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

So.

[Stephen Colbert]

So I don't know, John. I'm a free man now. I'm not sure what. I'll go wherever the wind takes me, John. Maybe ride the rails, live boxcar to boxcar. Learn how to whip up a hearty stew from peanut shells and a stolen chicken. Sure, I know it doesn't sound like much, John, but it's a king's feast to me and my companions. Biscuit, the wily mouse who lives in my wee pocket, and Annabelle, the one eyed prostitute who has a heart of gold. And don't you dare call her a whore, Joe.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

I would not. I wasn't saying anything.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Stephen. Why don't you have a gift? Why don't you stay in television? I heard this David Letterman is retiring.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, I heard that too, John. But they already gave the part to some fat guy. John. Timing. She's a cruel mistress.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

She is. But don't say fat. Pear. Pear shaped. That's all. It's not. He's got.

[Stephen Colbert]

Don't be kind to him, John. I've seen the photos.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

No.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

They're called birthing hips. They're fine, Stephen. Well, thanks for coming by. I wish you and. Biscuit, is it?

[Stephen Colbert]

It was Biscuit, John. Right in me wee pocket.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

In your wee pocket. I w. I wish you both and the one eyed woman. I wish you all the best of luck.

[Stephen Colbert]

I really do hold back the tears, John.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Okay?

[Stephen Colbert]

You'll be fine.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Well, thanks. Thanks for coming.

[Stephen Colbert]

And you know, John, now that you mention it, there is something I would appreciate as a parting gift.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Sure.

[Stephen Colbert]

You know how when somebody leaves the Daily show, you guys put together a little highlight reel?

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Sure. We just did that for young John Oliver.

[Stephen Colbert]

Just. Yeah, I saw that. But John, you never did one for me.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

You. You never left. You went to 11:30. You're right around.

[Stephen Colbert]

You're right, John. You're right, John. It probably wasn't that important to me.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

We'll put something together, Stephen. We'll put something together. We'll do some of your best moments.

[Stephen Colbert]

Don't trouble yourself, John. I already did. Chuck, it's steamy in here right now. You could put some flour and some yeast down my pants. And pull out a Parmesan baguette. My father was a poor Virginia turd miner. These are the goatees. Facts become irrelevant. Truth becomes fiction. Knowledge becomes ignorance. Night becomes day. Chaos reigns. Taxay for lo.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

I win. I win. I win.

[Stephen Colbert]

My father's father was a goatball licker. To run my fingers through your raven hair to touch your milk white skin. I'm. Wow, John. I'm. I'm really going to miss me.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

And we are too, my friend. Godspeed, Stephen Colbert. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. This is amazing. That's it. That's all I have. My thanks to everybody over all these years. When you look at the talent that's passed through these doors it had been hard to screw this show up. I just want to thank everybody who lent their talents to this program. It meant the world.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

And it's the same thing. You know. I understand. Calm down. I get it. I get it. Thank you. Just a moment. It's John. It's John.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

I don't.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

It's you. It's really you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Just a moment. Aren't you. Aren't you forgetting someone? John, you can't possibly leave without saying goodbye to your Sam.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Wait, who's sam?

[Stephen Colbert]

I am, john.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

You're. What am I? Diane. What is this? Cheers.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

Well, I don't understand.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, john, don't you see? You're frodo.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Wait. You're sam. I'm frodo. How am I frodo? Why aren't you frodo?

[Stephen Colbert]

John. One of us is adult size and does not have hairy toes. And. John.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Oh, point taken.

[Stephen Colbert]

John, Like Frodo, you were leaving us on a voyage to the Undying Lands.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

I'm just going to New Jersey. Steven.

[Stephen Colbert]

For 16 years you and your basic cable Fellowship of Funny clutched that Ring of power and trudged up the steep slopes of Mount Doom.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

We didn't trudge so much. It's just. What's the ring in this metaphor?

[Stephen Colbert]

The ring of power in this metaphor is a metaphor for power. A power. A power to be a player in the world of media and Washington politics.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Yeah, but I don't really want that, so. It's not that.

[Stephen Colbert]

John. You know who else didn't want that?

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Frodo.

[Stephen Colbert]

Your words. John. Frodo thought surely Saruman would know they meant to destroy the Ring. But I don't have to tell you what Gandalf said about that.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

You're.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

You're just gonna tell me though, aren't you?

[Stephen Colbert]

He said, and I'm paraphrasing here, even though I could do it verbatim, if I wanted. He said. He said, my fellow Americans, it has not entered into Sauron's darkest dreams that we would seek to destroy rather than wield, this hideous power. And in Gandalf's metaphor here, power also stood for power.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

I just want to say that I am so touched that everybody could be here tonight.

[Stephen Colbert]

And me, too, John. Is there a party or anything? Because I brought a lot of people from CBS and I told them that I know you.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Yes, there is a party, and you can go to it. Stephen Colbert, everybody. We'll be right back.

[Stephen Colbert]

Actually, John. John, actually, no, please sit down. Actually, John, um, we're not quite done. Just a moment. John. No. You can't stop anyone because they don't work for you anymore. Huge mistake. John. It'll be quick if you just hold still. John, I have been asked and have the privilege to say something to you that is not in the prompter right now.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Please don't do this.

[Stephen Colbert]

Here's the thing, John. You said to me and to many other people here years ago never to thank you because we owe you nothing.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

I thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

It is one of the few times I've known you to be dead wrong. We owe you. And not just what you did for our career by employing us to come on this tremendous show that you made. We owe you because we learned from you. We learned from you by example, how to do a show with intention, how to work with clarity, how to treat people with respect. You are infuriatingly good at your job. Okay? And all of us, all of us who were lucky enough to work with you. And you can edit this out later, all of us who were lucky enough to work with you for 16 years. 16 years are better at our jobs because we got to watch you do yours. And we are better people for having known you. You are a great artist and a good man. And personally, I do not know how this son of a poor Appalachian turd miner. I do not know. I do not know what I would do if you hadn't brought me on this show. I'd be back in those hills mining turds with Pappy. John, you. I'd have dung lung. Okay? So, John. And it's almost over.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

All right?

[Stephen Colbert]

I know you are not asking for this, but on behalf of so many people whose lives you changed over the past 16 years, thank you. And now I believe your line, and correct me if I'm wrong, is we'll be right back.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

We'll be right back.

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[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Last week, as you may have heard, cbs, which happens to have the same parent company as the network this program currently airs on, unceremoniously canceled the Late show with Stephen Colbert.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

And yes, in this case, in this

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

case, I'll allow it. Now, obviously I am certainly not the most objective to comment on this matter. Many of you may or may not know Stephen and I worked together on this very program together from 1999 through 2005.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

Look how young. Look at that. Haven't changed a bit.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

And then Stephen began our sister program,

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

the Colbert Report, also on Comedy Central. A show which in my mind, if I may, a show which in my

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

mind remains to this day, one of the most astounding accomplishments in satirical television. Rendering a fictional character in real time four nights a week for 10 years, so seamlessly many viewers believed him to be the boorish, high status idiot he was portraying. They were heady times, my friends. We were two pretty good sized fish in a reasonably small basic cable pond. Both of our shows reached an inflection point in 2015. Stephen chose to challenge himself by seeing if he could succeed the legendary David Letterman in, quite frankly, a much bigger pond than the one he and I had been swimming in. And I quit.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

I quit. I quit. Stephen.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Check. I passed away.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

Steven challenged his abilities in the biggest field you could.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

And I literally went to a farm upstate.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

It's true. He did it. I did it.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

And if I may, watching Stephen exceed all expectations in the role and become the number one late night show on network television has been an undeniable great pleasure for me as a viewer and as his friend.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

And now, and now Stephen has been

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

canceled for purely financial reasons. And by the way, not just Steven's show. CBS has canceled the entirety of the Late show franchise gone. Now I acknowledge losing money. Late night TV is a struggling financial model. We are all basically operating a blockbuster kiosk inside of a tower records. But when your industry is faced with

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

changes, you don't just call it a day.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

My God, when CDs stopped selling, they didn't just go oh well music, it's been a good run. The fact that CBS didn't try to save their number one rated network late night franchise that's been on the air for over three decades is part of what's making everybody wonder. Was this purely financial? Or maybe the path of least resistance for your $8 billion merger was killing a show that you know, rankled a fragile and vengeful president so insecure, suffering terribly from a case of chronic penis insufficiency.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

Terrible dise.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Truly, it's a vicious disease. I believe CBS lost the benefit of the doubt two weeks prior when they sold out their flagship news program to pay an extortion fee to said president. At that time, poor Andy Rooney must have been rolling over in his bed. That's right, he's alive. Andy Rooney is alive. I probably buried the lead on this entire bit. Andy Rooney is alive and he's just turning over in bed. You know what he's probably doing? Biting his tongue for when the network calls him and says, is anything else bothering you, Andy?

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

Yeah, the thing is,

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

ask your parents. He was on 60 Minutes. Look, I understand the corporate fear. I understand the fear that you and your advertisers have with $8 billion at stake. But understand this truly. The shows that you now seek to cancel, censor and control. A not insignificant portion of that $8 billion value came from those fucking shows.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

That's what made you that money. Shows that say something. Shows that take a stand.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Shows that are unafraid and not to Believe me, this is not a we speak truth to power. We don't. We speak opinions to television cameras.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

But we try.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

We fucking try every night. And if you believe as corporations or as networks you can make yourselves so innocuous that you can serve a gruel so flavorless that you will never again be on the boy king's radar. A why will anyone watch you? And you are fucking wrong.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

You want to know how impossible is it true? Do you want to know? Do you want to know how impossible

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

it is to stay on Lord Farquaad's good side?

[Stephen Colbert]

President Trump says he will sue the Wall Street Journal and its owner Rupert Murdoch, who also owns Fox News.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Donald Trump is suing Rupert Murdoch, the owner of Fox News, the man other than Biden maybe most responsible for getting Trump elected.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

Fox. Yeah, yeah, I fucking snuck that in there. Yeah.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Fox spends 24 hours a day blowing Trump and it's not enough. Imagine suing someone mid blow.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

How could you? Finish up. Finish up down there and I'll see you in court.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

So here's the point. If you're trying to figure out why Steven's show is ending, I don't think the answer can be found in some smoking gun email or phone call from Trump to CBS executives or in CBS's Quickbook spreadsheets on the financial health of late night. I think the answer is in the fear and pre compliance that is gripping all of America's institutions at this very moment. Institutions that have chosen not to fight actions of our pubic hair doodling commander in chief.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

This is not the moment to give in. I'm not giving in. I'm not going anywhere.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

I think

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

so.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

To those institutions, to those corporations and advertisers and universities and law firms, all of them. If you still think that bending the knee to Trump will save you, I have one, one thing to say. I know you're scared. I know you're weary.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

I know your plans don't include me. But these are troubled times. So sack the fuck up.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Because.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

This 8. This ain't. This ain't the time to shrink. Not the time. This is the time to fight. Time to fight. This is the time to rise up. Not too fast. Your own. I am.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

That is a true point. Obviously the blood pressure, etc.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

But compliance and complacency is not the answer. We reject the mindless machine generated slop that offends nobody. And we affirm our shared humanity. We must continue to have humans make things that inspire and provoke other humans.

[Stephen Colbert]

ChatGPT wrote that.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

But if you're afraid and you protect your bottom line. I've got but one thing to say. Just one little phrase. Go yourself. Go fuck out now. Wait, wait, wait. Bring it down, bring it down. Let's bring it down. Little bit quiet. Fuck. Fuck, fuck yourself. Just go fuck yourself. Everybody fuck. Go fuck yourself. Just go fuck yourself. Fuck. Go fuck yourself. Fuck yourself. Just go fuck yourself. Fuck. Fuck, fuck down. Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. Plus,

[Stephen Colbert]

this has been a Comedy Central podcast.

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[John (Interviewer/Host)]

That is all for our show tonight. Join us again tomorrow at our regularly scheduled I might even shave and shower. Right now, we're going to go to Stephen Colbert over at the Colbert Report. Stephen, what is your take on what's

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

happened in the election?

[Stephen Colbert]

Don't tell me anything, John. No spoilers, please. No.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Haven't you been watching the news? Didn't you?

[Stephen Colbert]

No, no, not at all. I can't go into my show knowing anything about what my show is about. I enter every show like a newborn baby. Clean slate, no preconceptions, semi blind and covered in placenta and goo, crying uncontrollably, waiting to be spanked by life.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

What are you wearing when this is happening? A diaper.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

I don't understand.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, I don't understand you either.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Well, thank you for that visual, Stephen. How have yourself a wonderful election night.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's election night. Why did you tell me? I said no spoilers. This is the Colbert Report.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

Is that a spoiler alert?

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

Can I tell you who wins the vampire. Oh, Vampire v. Werewolf. Vampire.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, I am on Team Edward.

[Stephen Currell (Fictional Debate Opponent)]

Excellent.

[Stephen Colbert]

Once again, it's the Colbert Report.

[John (Interviewer/Host)]

We'll see you next time.

[Stephen Colbert]

I love you.

[Supporting Cast/Producer/Other Voices]

Love you, baby.