TDS Time Machine | The Trump-Epstein Saga

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Daily Show: Ears Edition – TDS Time Machine | The Trump-Epstein Saga
Release Date: September 22, 2025
Host: Comedy Central News Team (Jordan Klepper, Roy Wood Jr., Michael Kosta, Ronny Chieng, Kristen Bell among others)

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Overview of Main Theme

This episode dives into the long-rumored and controversial connections between former President Donald Trump and the late Jeffrey Epstein. With Trump again at the center of public demand for the release of the Epstein files, The Daily Show blends incisive political commentary, investigative satire, and irreverent humor to examine why the promised transparency keeps hitting strange and suspicious roadblocks. The episode raises questions around government secrecy, shifting MAGA loyalties, and the enduring allure of conspiracy theories – all through the lens of escalating public pressure on Trump to reveal the dirty details.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Trump Promises Transparency… Except on Epstein

• [01:10] The episode launches with news that Trump, lagging in polls, is making bold promises to "drain the swamp" but gets cagey when asked whether he’ll release Epstein-related documents.
• Trump is enthusiastic about declassifying 9/11 and JFK files, but on Epstein:
  Donald Trump: “Yeah, yeah, I would. I guess I would. I think that less. So...” [01:43]

2. Suspicious Evasions & Shifting Stories

• [02:27] Trump claims not to want to affect the "innocent" with phony info, a new-found sensitivity the team finds dubious for someone often reckless with baseless accusations.
• [03:49] The team mocks Trump’s shifting standard:
  Roy Wood Jr.: "Okay, he's definitely in that file. ...Names, pictures, my DNA. You can’t believe any of it." [02:37]

3. Conspiracy Theorists Face Awkward Reality

• [04:45] After years of deep state accusations, MAGA heroes in government now assert, straight-faced, that Epstein’s death really was a suicide – leaving their base feeling betrayed and deflated.

4. MAGA Civil War: Promises, Betrayals, & Mockery

• [13:05] MAGA influencers and loyalists, after years of demanding the Epstein files to expose Democrats, find themselves stonewalled by the Trump DOJ.
• [14:57] Trump’s new line: The files were written by his political enemies, thus can’t be trusted—a pivot from “the files will expose Democrats” to “blame the Democrats for the files.”
• MOCKING THE MESSENGER:
  Michael Kosta: "Two of his wives and 10,000 unpaid contractors disagree... MAGA world, for the first time in memory, isn’t just slavishly acquiescing to Trump’s reality distortion field." [13:05]

5. Trump-Epstein Timeline: From Friendship to Denial

• [22:22] Recap of Trump’s highly public and personal ties to Epstein:
  • Friends since the late 1980s
  • Neighbors in Palm Beach, Epstein was part of Trump’s life milestones
  • Epstein’s “little black book” had 14 phone numbers for Trump
  • Epstein allegedly introduced Melania to Trump
• [23:54] Epstein claimed Trump’s first night with Melania was on his plane.

6. Trump’s Consistent Creepiness & Incriminating Quotes

• [24:30] Trump’s 2002 praise:
  "It is even said he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side."
• The team lampoons Trump’s classic lack of boundaries and points to long-standing, on-record discomforts.

7. Sympathy for Ghislaine Maxwell?

• [25:20] Trump’s “wish her well” statement about Epstein’s accomplice is scrutinized and lampooned for its bizarre inappropriateness.

8. Falling Out: Trump’s “Inappropriate” Explanation

• [66:55] Trump claims he distanced himself from Epstein for “inappropriate” behavior, only to clarify that it was due to hiring away staff—not sex trafficking.

9. Release of the Files: Red Herrings & Diversion

• [43:30, 44:05] After relentless pressure (largely from MAGA), Trump’s administration releases unrelated documents—MLK assassination records and Clinton email files—instead of Epstein files, to satirical fanfare.
• [45:32] In a classic distraction move, Trump attacks the Washington Commanders over their name change.

10. Bizarre Birthday Card & Trump’s Doodles

• [32:28] Wall Street Journal reveals Trump allegedly sent Epstein a 50th birthday card with a bawdy drawing and cryptic innuendo.
• On being accused of using the word “enigma” in the card, Trump denies ever using the word (even though clips prove otherwise), and denies ever “drawing pictures”.

11. Surge of GOP and MAGA Betrayal

• [56:18] Even Trump’s congressional allies (including Nancy Mace, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert) turn on him, pushing subpoenas for the client list and demanding special prosecutors.
• [59:07] The QAnon Shaman denounces Trump as a fraud for not delivering the files.

12. The Evidence Mounts

• [50:57] New photos emerge linking Trump and Epstein at numerous events:
  • Victoria’s Secret fashion show
  • Trump’s wedding
  • Various social events
• A 2010 deposition recirculates, showing a witness pleading the Fifth when asked if Epstein and Trump socialized with underaged girls.
  Attorney: "Have you ever socialized with Donald Trump in the presence of females under the age of 18?"
  Witness: "I’m going to have to assert my 5th, 6th, and 14th amendment rights." [54:15]

13. Public Obsession & GOP Panic

• [58:07] "500 to 1"—constituents are overwhelmingly calling on representatives about Epstein over any other matter.
• [59:07] "This is so bad…" Even fringe conspiracy theorists and QAnon figures turn on Trump.

14. Classic Trump Defenses

• [67:54] Claims he “never went to the island,” before making it weirdly sound like a missed privilege.
• Attempts to make the bizarre (“I don’t do drawings”) sound like proof of innocence, while his past donations of doodles to charity are immediately produced.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Roy Wood Jr., on Trump’s hesitance:
  “He’s obviously not worried about protecting others...This is the same guy who said Obama was born in Kenya and Ted Cruz’s dad killed JFK.” [02:37]

• Jordan Klepper, on the "release" of government files:
  “230,000 files related to the assassination of...Martin Luther King Jr. Epstein killed Martin Luther King Jr.? What the fuck?” [44:05]

• Kristen Bell, reading the infamous birthday card (in mock dramatic fashion):
  “There must be more to life than having everything. The note began. Donald. Yes, there is. But I won’t tell you what it is. Jeffrey Nor will I, since I also know what it is. Donald we have certain things in common, Jeffrey. Jeffrey yes, we do. Come to think of it.” [34:26]

• Trump, justifying not releasing the files:
  “If I was in the files, they would’ve released it. So clearly, I’m not in the files. But of course, I’m clearly in the files, which makes them phony.” [63:57]

• Congressman on constituent concerns:
  “It’s the number one phone call that we get by far. It’s probably 500 to 1.” [58:13]

• Roy Wood Jr., on Trump’s priorities:
  “‘I never had the privilege of going to his island, and I did turn it down.’ ...The privilege.” [69:20]

• Klepper, on Trump’s rhetorical fallback:
  “You expect me to believe that Bill Clinton went to the island only 28 times? No way. If anybody had VIP Diamond island status, there’s probably still parrots alive on that island going, ‘Hey, Bill. Back again?’” [68:09]

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Important Timestamps

• [01:10] – Trump pressed on releasing sensitive files; awkward Epstein answer
• [22:22] – Review of deep Trump-Epstein ties
• [32:28] & [34:26] – Trump’s bizarre birthday card to Epstein
• [43:30–45:32] – Red herring document releases to distract from Epstein files
• [54:15] – Fifth Amendment invoked when asked about Trump & underage girls
• [58:07] – GOP representatives admit constituent obsession with the Epstein scandal
• [66:55] – Trump’s explanation for dumping Epstein
• [69:20] – Trump’s “privilege” in turning down island invitations

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Tone & Delivery

The episode weaves between genuine concern, exasperation, and relentless comedy roast. The hosts use relentless sarcasm and biting asides to highlight hypocrisy — especially Trump’s turn from “I’ll expose everything” to “the files are all fake!” The segments alternate between recaps, news-bite parodies, in-character drama readings, and meta-commentary on American obsessions with conspiracy and scandal.

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Final Takeaways

• Transparency vs. Secrecy: Despite years of insisting on answers, Trump and his administration now dodge, distract, and deflect when MAGA and the public demand the promised transparency.
• MAGA Base Fracture: The refusal to release Epstein files has triggered, for perhaps the first time, genuine revolt among MAGA supporters, with even QAnon and GOP loyalists expressing open anger.
• Satirical Catharsis: The Daily Show uses this episode to underscore the absurdity of denial, the enduring power of conspiracy, and the uniquely American spectacle of political scandal.

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Best for listeners seeking a full-throated, satirical yet thorough breakdown of Trump’s Epstein entanglement, the shifting sands of conspiracies, and what happens when political leaders try to memory-hole their own pasts.

Transcript

[Kristen Bell]

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[Jordan Klepper]

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[Kristen Bell]

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[Jordan Klepper]

Bye bye, Truckee.

[Kristen Bell]

Of course, we kept the favorite.

[Jordan Klepper]

Hello, other Truckee.

[Kristen Bell]

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[Michael Kosta]

This episode is brought to you by Lifelock.

[Jordan Klepper]

When you visit the doctor, you probably hand over your insurance, your ID and contact details. It's just one of the many places that has your personal info.

[Michael Kosta]

And if any of them accidentally expose.

[Jordan Klepper]

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[Roy Wood Jr.]

As with Joe Biden struggling in the polls, Donald Trump is already making plans to once again take on the Washington swamp. In a recent interview with Fox News, he promised to stop by exposing all the things the deep state State doesn't want you to know. Well, almost all the things.

[Kristen Bell]

Some people think that one way to build trust is to declassify things. If you were president, would you declassify. You can answer yes or no to these. Would you declassify the 911 files?

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah.

[Kristen Bell]

Would you declassify JFK files?

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah.

[Kristen Bell]

Would you declassify the Epstein files?

[Donald Trump]

Yeah, yeah, I would. I guess I would. I think that less. So.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

That was a bit suspicious, right? Like 9 11. Yes, JFK, yes, Epstein. Oh, man, let's. No, I mean, look at the panic in Trump's eyes. I've seen more relaxed people on the exit row of a Boeing flight. But. And why, though? Like, why are you so weird with the Epstein stuff? It's not like Donald Trump has any particular reason to not want the FTC files opened up. I mean, let's hear him out. Here's his full answer.

[Donald Trump]

I think that less so because, you know, you don't know. You don't want to affect people's lives if it's phony stuff in there. Cuz it's a lot of phony stuff with that whole world.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Okay, he's definitely in that file. He is in the Epstein files. He's already like, look, there's gonna be a lot of phony stuff in there. Names, pictures, my DNA. You can't believe any of it. He's obviously not worried about protecting other. I mean, this is the same guy who said Obama was born in Kenya and Ted Cruz's dad killed jfk.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay?

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Now, now all of a sudden, he's like, look, if you put some inaccurate information out there, it could really destroy someone's reputation. Okay? We need to err on the side of caution here. Besides, it doesn't even matter. You don't need to ask Trump to declassify anything. He's. He's just gonna leave it at the buffet table at Mar a Lago. Luckily for America, Christine Noem isn't the only one in charge of keeping the country safe. We also got Cash Patel and Dan Bongino, two guys who look like they should be henchmen in a Ninja Turtles movie, but are somehow running the FBI now. And before he took over, Dan Bongino wasn't afraid to tell us the truth about what the FBI was covering up.

[Jordan Klepper]

Nobody knows how much material people have on Jeffrey Epstein. It's unbelievable. The guy killed himself, and now nobody's gonna know.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Yeah, exactly. Epstein killed himself. Bongino knows the truth, and now he and Cash Patel get to see all the files. So on Sunday, they sat down for an interview to tell us what really happened, because we know Epstein didn't just kill himself.

[Jordan Klepper]

He killed himself. What?

[Roy Wood Jr.]

He. He killed himself. Without. Without air quotes. That is the craziest thing I've ever heard. All right, I was a single issue voter on this. Why did you change your mind? As a public defender, as a prosecutor, who's been in that prison system, who's.

[Ronny Chieng]

Been in the metropolitan detention center, who's.

[Jordan Klepper]

Been in segregated housing, you know a.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Suicide when you see one, and that's what that was.

[Jordan Klepper]

Again, you want me to get. I've. I've seen the whole file. He killed himself.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

I've never seen someone so sad that the deep state didn't kill someone. And, and also, hey, you can't talk so much sh. About how the deep state did this and make it your entire personality. And then now you're in it and you're like, just shrugging it off. Like, oh, yeah, I guess they were right the first time they investigated this. Hey, if you fail that hard, you gotta let Hillary Clinton kill you, right?

[Jordan Klepper]

By the way, can we just point out how crazy 2025 is? Most people can't afford to eat eggs anymore. Meanwhile, these two billionaires are attacking each other from different social media platforms that.

[Michael Kosta]

They.

[Jordan Klepper]

Maybe we should eat the rich. But Trump. But Trump.

[Michael Kosta]

Elon let's calm down, all right? Things are getting a little too heated at this point.

[Jordan Klepper]

We can still walk away from this. Let's not say something we can never take back.

[Michael Kosta]

Right?

[Jordan Klepper]

Right. Elon Musk tweeting within the past one minute. Time to drop the really big bomb. Ealdonaldtrump is in the Epsom. That's the real reason they have not been made public. Have a nice day. Djt, exclamation point. Oh, right. That's what we were talking about. Which now, to be fair to Trump, it is ridiculous. I mean, you can't just make wild accusations like that just because Trump and Epstein hung out once or twice or Trump was in the flight logs, or Epstein called Trump his closest friend, or they went to parties and whispered, you know, I can only assume biblical passages in each other ear. I'm telling you, I'm telling you, Epstein. Two Corinthians. You gotta check it out. It's awesome. It's not a crime to be in each other's hearts. And what indication has Trump ever given that there may be things within those Epstein files that may be concerning to him?

[Kristen Bell]

Would you declassify the 911 files?

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah.

[Kristen Bell]

Would you declassify JFK files?

[Donald Trump]

Yeah, I did. I did a lot of it.

[Kristen Bell]

Would you declassify the Epstein files?

[Donald Trump]

Yeah, Yeah, I would.

[Kristen Bell]

All right.

[Donald Trump]

I guess I would. I think that less so because, you know, you don't know. You don't want to affect people's lives if it's phony stuff in there.

[Jordan Klepper]

A lot of phony stuff in there. You know, he could put anything in a file, say anything about anybody. By the way, just for the record, asking a 17 year old masseuse if she's planning on staying in the United States, that's a legitimate question. And the rest of the video is AI if there's a video. My favorite moment was when the head of the FBI, Cash Patel, found out Elon accused Trump of being on the Epstein list live while podcasting. Does he know that Donald Trump is.

[Donald Trump]

In the Epstein files?

[Jordan Klepper]

Does he have access to the Epstein files? I don't know how he would, but I'm just staying out of the Trump Elon thing. That's way outside my lane. What the are they doing? I know my lane and that ain't it. Not your lane. Aren't you literally in charge of the FC files? I know my lane. I'm just the guy in charge of law enforcement, domestically. Conspiracies crimes, cover ups, Home Depot parking, overcrowding, you know.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Alaska bipartisan issue. In America. What happened to Jeffrey Epstein? We've all been waiting for years for more details to come out about his crimes and his mysterious death. And now that Trump's in office and he said he'll release that information, we can finally get some answers.

[Donald Trump]

The DOJ says its case closed on.

[Jordan Klepper]

Jeffrey Epstein's alleged client list and his death.

[Kristen Bell]

After months of promising the public release of the Jeffrey Epstein client list, the Justice Department and the FBI are now saying the client list doesn't exist.

[Jordan Klepper]

The DOJ says it will.

[Kristen Bell]

Releasing any more material from the case files.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

What, that's it? You're just not gonna release any more information? I've never been ghosted by a conspiracy before. I mean, this is crazy. I could have sworn that someone said there was an Epstein client list.

[Jordan Klepper]

Who was that? The DOJ may be releasing the list of Jeffrey Epstein's clients. Will that really happen?

[Kristen Bell]

It's sitting on my desk right now to review.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Oh, yeah. The Attorney General of the United States said the client list was on her desk. Let me guess, your desk also hung itself. Pam Bondi was supposed to release the pedophile list. If we wanted an Attorney General to cover up sex crimes, we would have stuck with Matt Gaetz. Okay. At this point, it's like the only way we can learn about who is a certified pedophile is if Kendrick Lamar makes a song about them. Look, I don't know what to believe anymore. Okay, can you just declassify something?

[Kristen Bell]

The Justice Department also releasing more than 10 hours of purported footage which they say supports the medical examiner's finding Epstein died by suicide while in custody in 2019. The video allegedly shows the view from across Epstein's cell door in a Manhattan prison, indicating no one entered the area the night he died.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Is that background music to that? Finally, some transparency from this administration. Conclusive evidence that leaves no room for debate.

[Kristen Bell]

The release of that surveillance video has fueled some conspiracies itself. There appears to be a missing minute at midnight.

[Jordan Klepper]

It's very interesting that at the 11:58 mark and 58 second, the video jumps to 12:00 clock and is missing a full 61 seconds.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

What is going on here? Why would they edit out 61 seconds? Was Epstein listening to a Beatles song and the government couldn't get the rights to it? And if that wasn't suspicious enough, when Trump was asked about it in his Cabinet meeting today, he was over it.

[Donald Trump]

Are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein? This guy's been talked about for years. Are people still talking about this guy, this creep? That is unbelievable.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Yeah. Why are you guys obsessed with the suspicious death of my best friend in a federal prison when I was president, right before he was gonna be on trial for sex trafficking? It's so boring.

[Jordan Klepper]

Now. The impetus for Elmo's rant seems to be the Department of Justice memo that has just been released that said the Epstein sex trafficking case was officially closed and that no new information would be forthcoming. And while Elmo is demanding that the files be released, Donald Trump's response is brought to you by the letters. Fu.

[Donald Trump]

You still talking about Jeffrey Epstein? This guy's been talked about for years. Are people still talking about this guy, this creep? That is unbelievable.

[Jordan Klepper]

Unbelievable. You guys ran on it. Remember this? We need to release the Epstein list. That is an important thing. This Epstein sex ring operation. I'm not letting it go. Ever. Ever.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Put on your big boy pants and let us know who the pedophiles are.

[Jordan Klepper]

Why would you have to change your pants to let us who the pedophiles are? And why wouldn't you be wearing pants while you're researching them? And that was before the Trump administration took power. And by the way, they were still hyping the Epstein files after they took power.

[Kristen Bell]

We have flight logs, we have information, names that will come out. President Trump has given a very strong directive, and that's going to be followed.

[Jordan Klepper]

So people can expect actual movement on this. It's not just empty promises.

[Kristen Bell]

Donald Trump doesn't make empty prom.

[Donald Trump]

Yeah, right.

[Jordan Klepper]

Two of his wives and 10,000 unpaid contractors disagree. But these are all. These are all people who work for Trump that set the expectation. And I think because of that, surprisingly, MAGA world, for the first time in memory, isn't just slavishly acquiescing to Trump's reality distortion field.

[Michael Kosta]

Where did that whole case go? Where did all the files go?

[Jordan Klepper]

They just went nowhere.

[Michael Kosta]

No one even believes that.

[Donald Trump]

This stinks.

[Jordan Klepper]

This. This just reeks. Something is horribly wrong here. Pam Bondi needs to be fired. Yes, Pam Bondi, the ringleader. She makes the decisions. The backlash wouldn't die, so Trump had to go back out and kill the backlash, perhaps even making it look like a suicide. So. So this weekend. You heard him, Jim. That's outrageous. So this weekend, Trump tried to reason with his base using their shared love language. Long rambling truth social posts. In a social media post, the President asked his followers, what's going on with my boys? And in some cases, gals. Let me stop you right there. Not to be all woke, but I believe they prefer the terms bros and hoes. But sorry, go on. You were explaining why it was time to move on from the Epstein case.

[Kristen Bell]

Why are we giving publicity to files written by Obama, crooked Hillary, Comey, Brennan, and the losers and criminals of the Biden administration who conned the world with the Russia, Russia, Russia hoax. 51 intelligence agents, the laptop from hell, and more.

[Jordan Klepper]

So just to understand this, in a few months time, we went from the Epstein files will expose the Democrats to the Epstein files were written by the Democrats and therefore can't be trusted. So let's move on. And then Trump brings up Hunter Biden's laptop as a reminder for all of us not to dwell on old conspiracy theories. What? So problem solved, right? MAGA world? Well, let's test it scientifically. How many of you are satisfied you can clap?

[Michael Kosta]

Satisfied with the results of the Epstein investigation?

[Jordan Klepper]

Clap. How many of you are not satisfied.

[Michael Kosta]

With the results of the investigation?

[Jordan Klepper]

Let me hear everyone who thinks sex trafficking should still be prosecuted say, hell yeah. Hell yeah. Who wants to know more about a cabal of elite sex criminals? Just the ladies. So. So MAGA world is now in open revolt. You want to know how bad it's getting out there? They're literally burning their MAGA army uniforms. Yeah. And you know, there's just another guy standing next to him going, you know, you gotta flip them. That's your problem. But clearly telling your base to just forget about Epstein isn't working. But if you know Trump, he can always just pivot to the classic Trump distraction, throw something outlandish out there and watch the dogs chase the squirrel. I'm gonna invade Greenland. I'm gonna bomb Iran. He's gonna try something big. President Trump is reigniting his decades long feud with comedian Rosie o'. Donnell. I think we're gonna need a bigger boat.

[Michael Kosta]

We are on week two of the MAGA civil war over the Epstein files and the Trump administration can't get its stories straight. There was a client list, then there was no client list. They were going to release all the files, and then they decided not to release any files. So let's see what today's excuse is.

[Donald Trump]

I would say that, you know, these files were made up by Comey. They were made up by Obama. They were made up by.

[Michael Kosta]

Okay, cool. Cool as a cucumber. This guy's not worried about a thing. So let me get this straight. According to Trump, all the top Democrats got together and said, let's create some fake files that destroy Trump's political career. They don't ever use them. They let Trump get elected. Don't use them. Let Trump get elected again, still don't use them. And then once he's the president, hope he releases the files without ever looking at them. Frankly, you know, that plan sounds so inconceivably bad. I do believe the Democrats might have come up with it. But Trump clearly wants everyone just to move on. And after initially pushing back, some of them are getting the message.

[Jordan Klepper]

I think the DOJ should immediately move to unseal all the Epstein documents in the Southern District of New York. I think every file should be released to the public the same way as the JFK files. Honestly, I'm done talking about Epstein. For the time being. I'm gonna trust my friends in the administration. I'm gonna trust my friends in the government to do what needs to be done. Solve it. Balls in their hands.

[Michael Kosta]

Oh, oh, wait, wait a minute, wait a minute. The balls in their hands, he says. Probably not the phrase I would use when talking about the Epstein files. The ball, the shaft is in the courts. The taint is in the bread basket. What the are we doing here? A phrase you don't hear conspiracy theorists, free thinkers utter A whole lot is I'm going to trust my friends in the government on this one. Clearly, this issue has MAGA on its heels, which means now is the time for Democrats to strike. Democrats, show us what you got.

[Ronny Chieng]

Congressman Hank Johnson coming to give you.

[Jordan Klepper]

Some more ear candy. Or perhaps an earache. But where are they?

[Michael Kosta]

You know, maybe I was too harsh on the J6 choir. You know, I just feel for his poor aides who probably spent all week having to help him with this. Like Rebecca, Quick, give me a list of all the words that rhyme with suicide, please. But it's a fluid situation right now, and MAGA is trying to wrap their heads around it because they have a lot of unanswered questions.

[Kristen Bell]

There are a lot of unanswered questions, but the biggest question is just what on earth is going on? I don't know what's happening.

[Michael Kosta]

It doesn't make sense.

[Kristen Bell]

I can't reconcile this Donald Trump with the Trump that we're seeing right now. The Trump that is gaslighting the public right now.

[Jordan Klepper]

This episode is brought to you by FXX and Hulu. An all new season of Futurama is back, blending heartfelt moments with razor sharp humor while accidentally saving the day. The Planet Express crew is back, defying gravity and common sense. From the creator of The Simpsons comes 10 new episodes where the romance is hotter, the threats are bigger, and the action hits harder. Don't miss the all new season of Futurama. Watch it Mondays on FXX or streaming on Hulu.

[Michael Kosta]

Why is Donald Trump refusing to release the Epstein files and telling everyone to shut up and move on?

[Jordan Klepper]

Well, okay.

[Michael Kosta]

Let me offer one possible theory. Perhaps you've heard of Occam's Razor. It's the idea that the most simple explanation is probably the correct one. In the case of Trump and the Epstein files, let's call our theory Occam's Giant Machete. By now, you've probably heard that Donald Trump, Jeffrey Epstein, and Epstein's partner, Ghislaine Maxwell used to be friends. But it's worth understanding how close this friendship was.

[Kristen Bell]

Trump says he's known Epstein since the late 80s, and pictures from the 90s show the president with Maxwell, who became Epstein's girlfriend. They were neighbors in Palm Beach. At one point, Epstein was a member at Mar a Lago.

[Jordan Klepper]

It's party time at Donald Trump's Mar a Lago, and among the guests, Jeffrey Epstein, Epstein. Trump and Epstein can be seen ogling the cheerleaders.

[Michael Kosta]

Trump points one of them out and says, she's hot.

[Jordan Klepper]

Then he says something in Epstein's ear that has the financier doubled up in laughter.

[Michael Kosta]

No. Okay, now. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What did Trump say? It's impossible to know. And Donald Trump and Epstein didn't just put they were neighbors. Epstein said he was Trump's closest friend for 10 years. In fact, Epstein's infamous little black book included 14 different numbers for Trump and his representatives. I mean, he had 14 separate ways to contact Donald Trump. I mean, when I drop my kid off at camp, I give two emergency contact numbers, and one of them is fake because I don't need that. And these guys didn't just party together. Epstein was a part of some major milestones in Trump's life.

[Jordan Klepper]

Jeffrey Epstein introduced Melania to Donald Trump.

[Kristen Bell]

Trump was a frequent passenger on Epstein's plane, known as the Lolita Express. And Epstein told author Michael Wolff, the.

[Ronny Chieng]

First time he slept with Melania was on my plane.

[Michael Kosta]

And that is how I met your mother. Barro, I'll tell you, next time you're on a flight with a crying baby, just think about how much worse it could be. All right, so right now you might be thinking, fine, they were friends. They hung out. That doesn't mean Trump knew about what Epstein was doing. And you know what? Maybe not, but he clearly had some idea.

[Kristen Bell]

In a 2002 interview with New York Magazine, Trump showered praise on Epstein, calling him a quote, terrific guy. It is even said he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side.

[Michael Kosta]

Do you know how creepy with women you have to be for Donald Trump to pick up on it? I mean, that's a real your drunk friend taking the car keys from you moment. And you can still say, so what? They were close friends. They were Mile High club pals. That still doesn't mean that Trump is in the files. And maybe. But after Jeffrey Epstein died in prison, the only person left who knew all his secrets was Ghislaine Maxwell. And when she got charged with sex trafficking, Trump's response was surprisingly sympathetic.

[Donald Trump]

I haven't really been following it too much. I just wish her well, Frankly, I've met her numerous times over the years, especially since I lived in Palm beach, and I guess they lived in Palm beach, but I wish her well, whatever it is.

[Michael Kosta]

You wish her well. Is that the right response? I think there's a reason they don't have that section in the Hallmark store. It's not there. It's not. Let's be clear. Law and SVU doesn't start like in the criminal justice. Sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous, and we wish the perpetrators well.

[Jordan Klepper]

Dun dun.

[Michael Kosta]

Okay, you know what? You know what? You want to take another shot at it? Maybe. Maybe even more flailing and desperate?

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah.

[Donald Trump]

I wish you well.

[Jordan Klepper]

I'd wish you well.

[Donald Trump]

I'd wish a lot of people well, and I do wish you well. I'm not looking for anything bad for her. I'm not looking bad for anybody.

[Jordan Klepper]

What are you talking about?

[Michael Kosta]

You wish bad things on everybody. Suddenly you're wishing Ghislaine well. You were harder on Kristen Stewart for cheating on Robert Pattinson. Okay, all right, all right, all right. So. So to sum up to all the MAGA people who are so confused about why Trump doesn't want to release any of these files, maybe the answer has something to do with Occam's giant machete. It's not surpr that Trump would want to escape into a fantastical world of Unabomber fan fiction right now, because back in the real world, he's still got all his supporters breathing down his neck to release the Epstein files. And no matter what Trump does, he just can't get them to shut up about it.

[Jordan Klepper]

I know you've urged people to move on, but I'm curious. Why do you think your supporters in particular have been so interested in the Epstein story?

[Donald Trump]

I don't understand about how it's been handled. I don't understand it, why they would be so interested. He's dead for a long time. He was never a big factor in terms of life.

[Michael Kosta]

Not the guy you call to give a eulogy. Also, you don't have to like Epstein, but he clearly was a big factor in terms of life.

[Jordan Klepper]

He's.

[Michael Kosta]

He's America's most famous sex criminal, which is quite a competitive category. This really highlights Trump's dilemma. He's desperate to tamp down the drama, but his entire career has only taught him to heighten the drama. You can't spend your whole life as the messy bitch from a reality show and then suddenly say, can we have some decorum here, please? Cuz this does not sound like Donald Trump.

[Donald Trump]

But I don't understand why the Jeffrey Epstein case would be of interest to anybody. It's pretty boring stuff. It's sordid, but it's boring.

[Michael Kosta]

It's boring.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, yeah.

[Michael Kosta]

What's interesting about a global pedophile sex ring that involves the richest people in the world that I might be covering up in my own involvement in? Snooze alert. Anyway, who wants to hear about my copper tariffs? That's juicy. So Maga diehards, you've heard your dear leader Epstein's just a boring dead guy who no one cares about. I'm sure you'll join him and saying it's time to move on. Nothing more to see here.

[Jordan Klepper]

You should put everything out there and let the people decide it. I think that the American people need to see what's in there, and that's not hard to understand. I do think there needs to be more transparency. You don't believe what the Justice Department is saying? I don't know. I don't, I don't, I think, I don't, I don't, I don't trust.

[Michael Kosta]

That guy is flat out broken. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't trust. I don't, I don't trust nothing no more. I'm gonna go just fill my pocket with rocks and walk into the sea. Tell Manu Raju I love him. I mean, things are so bad. Even Lauren Boebert is demanding answers. Although. Although being Lauren Boebert, she has a particular way of putting it.

[Kristen Bell]

Of course we want answers. No one is satisfied with. With what has been received or lack thereof. No one is satisfied with the rollout of this.

[Michael Kosta]

Yes, Mr. Preston. If Lauren Boebert was in charge. You better believe she would leave people satisfied. She. She would not be jerking everyone around and then leaving them frustrated like you. No, sir. With her, there would be a complete finish. This is a shocking turn of events for Donald Trump. His own sycophants are breaking ranks with him and even wor they are demanding accountability.

[Kristen Bell]

I think moving forward, we need a special counsel. That has got to happen. I want answers, and maybe that takes that special counsel to do so. Maybe Matt Gaetz can lead the special counsel.

[Michael Kosta]

You want Matt Gaetz to investigate underage sex traffic? I guess it makes sense in a sort of game recognized game way. I can see Matt Gaetz pulling up to R. Kelly's house saying, I'm putting together a team. Also, legally, I have to introduce myself. And this special counsel thing might have been the last straw because by this morning, Trump had absolutely lost it on his support.

[Kristen Bell]

He posted this morning, he said, my past supporters have bought into this, quote, bullshit, hook, line and sinker. Don't even think about talking of our incredible and unprecedented success, because I don't want their support anymore.

[Jordan Klepper]

Goddamn.

[Michael Kosta]

He went. He went full messy.

[Jordan Klepper]

Bitch.

[Michael Kosta]

If you can't handle me at my sex crimes cover up. You don't deserve me at my alligator concentration camps, you sluts.

[Jordan Klepper]

If Donald Trump was hoping that this would be the weekend that the Jeffrey Epstein story would finally go away, this would not be that weekend.

[Kristen Bell]

A stunning story raising new questions about Trump's past relationship with the late sex offender Jeffrey Epstein.

[Jordan Klepper]

But I still have all the old questions that haven't got, and those questions might go bad, but go on.

[Kristen Bell]

President Trump is lashing out at the Wall Street Journal for claiming that he once sent a 50th birthday card to financier Jeffrey Epstein that contained a bawdy doodle.

[Jordan Klepper]

My God, a bawdy doodle. At long last, sir, have you no decency? What are we doing? The news in Victorian England. This scallywag sent me a ribald daguerreotype. My God. Alert the constable. That's all you got. Bawdy doodle. How bad can it be?

[Kristen Bell]

And it's a cryptically written letter.

[Jordan Klepper]

A crude drawing. It contains several lines of typewritten text framed by the outline of a naked woman. A pair of small arcs denotes the woman's breasts. And the future present president's signature is a squiggly Donald below her waist, mimicking pubic hair. Pubic hair. Oh, my God, you broke Blitzer. Pubic hair, by the way, not to be, you know, the grammar police, but pubic hair. Pubic hair. That's the way that inflection. Pubic hair. Pubic hair. What's the deal with all the curls? Now, a billionaire sending another billionaire a birthday card with a playful nudie cartoon isn't incriminating in and of itself. It's really the creepiness of the sentiments expressed. Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately, our lead, Meryl Streep was unavailable tonight. So performing tonight's creepy birthday card, please welcome, ladies and gentlemen, Nicole Wallace, voiceover.

[Kristen Bell]

There must be more to life than having everything. The note began. Donald. Yes, there is. But I won't tell you what it is. Jeffrey Nor will I, since I also know what it is. Donald we have certain things in common, Jeffrey. Jeffrey yes, we do. Come to think of it.

[Jordan Klepper]

Things in common could be anything. You could write all kinds of things you have in common inside the outline of a naked woman. We're both gluten intolerant. You both prefer window seats on airplanes to private islands. Oh, God, I hope Act 2 of this play doesn't make it worse.

[Kristen Bell]

Donald. Enigmas never age. Have you noticed that, Jeffrey? As a matter of fact, it was clear to me the last time I saw you. Donald the pal is a wonderful thing. Happy birthday. And may every day be another wonderful secret.

[Jordan Klepper]

What did I tell you? Every day is another wonderful secret. I fucking threw up in my own mouth on that one. I don't even know what any of this means, but I do know that every line in that card sounds like the password you have to use to get into the orgy. And eyes wide shut. Donald. We have certain things in common. Jeffrey. Enigmas never age. All right, gentlemen, come on in and grab a mask. I gotta say, for that birthday card, how much must it have sucked to be the next guy in the office that had to sign that Epstein birthday card? You want me to just. You want me to sign it right? By the pubic hair, or by the. By the. Just the little titties? What do you want? I'm just gonna write, here's to 50 more. Now, Maga World, as you know, is demanding the Epstein files, and yet somehow still has lined up behind Trump to defuse this apparently specific file. Starting with the fact that Trump couldn't have written that birthday card. He doesn't know all the words that were in it. Somebody did an AI search, and out of decades and decades and decades of being a public figure and now a political figure, Donald Trump has never used the word enigma. I imagine he's used words that are close. Well, well, if AI cannot find reference to the horde Enigma it. All of Donald Trump's communiques over the roll 212.

[Donald Trump]

I'm first, Carson's second. Now Carson's an enigma. To me, Carson's an enigma.

[Jordan Klepper]

He knows the word and Trump has accurately used it in a sentence. Extra credit. Is there any other exculpatory evidence?

[Kristen Bell]

The Wall Street Journal, they got the following on the record quote from Trump that said in part, I never wrote a picture in my life. He then doubled down on his social media platform, posting, I don't draw pictures.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yes, Donald Trump neither writes pictures nor draws pictures, which, as the experts will tell you, are the two leading causes of pictures. Obviously, that's not something you can probably search in AI. The only way you could disprove is with literal evidence of Donald's doodles.

[Donald Trump]

Trump, in 2008 in his book, recalled donating an autographed doodle every year to charity.

[Kristen Bell]

Here is a drawing of the New York City skyline signed by Donald Trump in golden ink.

[Jordan Klepper]

What building in New York City has pubic hair? I'm sorry? Pubic hair. Pubic hair. Too big.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Hey.

[Jordan Klepper]

I guess this makes Donald Trump just another world leader. We wish had just stuck with art. I have. Well, no, no, no. Tell, tell your friends. Look, I do have to say it is a little troubling to me that Team Trump's talking points are he doesn't even know that word or he can't draw and not. Why would anyone think he would write a creepy letter to a pedophile? I guess that's because Trump bragged about busting into the dressing rooms at Miss Universe contests and was accused of busting into the dressing room at Miss Teen USA pageants and told a couple of 14 year olds he'd be dating them in two years. Yeah. And then there's this. Do you think you could now be banging 24 year olds? Oh, absolutely. Would you do it? I have no problem. Yeah.

[Kristen Bell]

Do you have an age limit or would you?

[Donald Trump]

No, no, I have no age. I mean, I have an age.

[Jordan Klepper]

I don't want to be like Foley with, you know, 12 year olds. I'm not a cream. I just want to make it clear that is what he's admitting to when he knows he's being recorded. Literally, you're sitting in a studio with a giant sign that says on air and you're like. I mean, 12 would be just too much. I mean, come on. I mean, maybe it's a lot easier to argue over doodles and vocabulary than to have to confront whether a letter like this lines up with Donald Trump's character. They don't want people asking if the person who'd send a doodle to Jeffrey Epstein was also the type of person that would have said this in a deposition. When you're a star, they let you do it.

[Kristen Bell]

You can do anything, grab them by the pussy. You can do anything. That's what you said, correct?

[Donald Trump]

Well, historically that's true with stars.

[Jordan Klepper]

It's true with stars that they can grab women by the pussy.

[Donald Trump]

Well, that's what. If you look over the last million years, I guess that's been largely true. Not always, but largely true. Unfortunately or fortunately.

[Jordan Klepper]

Guy's such an enigma. Again, I just wanna, I just wanna point out here, I just wanna point out here, under oath, he fortunately or unfortunately, under oath, he doesn't take a position on whether the coerced pussy grabbing is fortunate or unfortunate. None of this looks good. This podcast is supported by FX's English teacher. Last year's critically acclaimed series returns to follow Evan, Gwen and Markie as they vie for their students divided attention. See why Cosmopolitan called its premiere season a masterclass of comedy? While glamor raved it's the year's funniest and most heartwarming new comedy series. FX's English Teacher returns September 25th on FX. All episodes streaming on Hulu.

[Michael Kosta]

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[Jordan Klepper]

Two, seriously, it's $15 a month. Three, no big contracts.

[Michael Kosta]

Four, I use it. Five, my mom uses it. Are you playing me off?

[Jordan Klepper]

That's what's happening, right? Okay, give it a try.

[Kristen Bell]

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[Jordan Klepper]

And as the temperature rises on the unanswered questions about Donald Trump's relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, the Trump administration was forced to respond. Breaking news moments ago, the Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard releasing the 230,000 files. Oh my God. That's from this afternoon. It worked. The incessant public pressure, mainly from. I'll give credit. The MAGA base has finally forced Trump's hand. Let's hear what's in those files. 230,000 files related to the assassination of.

[Ronny Chieng]

Martin Luther King Jr.

[Jordan Klepper]

Epstein killed Martin Luther King Jr. What the fuck? Why are you releasing that? What? All right, obviously those are different Files. Anything else?

[Kristen Bell]

This happened today. AG Bondi released files.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yes, this is all happening today. What's in those files?

[Kristen Bell]

Related to the FBI's handling of the investigation into Hillary Clinton's use of a private email server.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, good. Finally we'll get to know the truth about Hillary's private email island. As the Epstein missile heads towards the fuselage, look at Trump firing off countermeasures from Air Force One. Like Rooster and Maverick in Top Gun. Maverick. Sir, we got a bogey at five o'. Clock. Hillary Clinton's emails. Ga. Goosh. They're still closing, sir. Ga goosh. Martin Luther King's files. Gagoosh. Gagoosh. Oh. Oh. Sir, we're out of files. Surely it's curtains. Wait, I've still got one more trick up me sleeve. Boys, it's been an honor serving with you. Here we go.

[Michael Kosta]

Trump threatens to restrict the stadium deal.

[Jordan Klepper]

With the Washington commanders if they don't.

[Michael Kosta]

Change their name back to the Redskins.

[Jordan Klepper]

Are you fucking kidding me? You know, they always say liberals are condescending to maga. I cannot think of anything more condescending than the way Trump treats maga. Oh, you want to know more about how the super rich are trafficking underage girls with impunity? Hmm? Would you still want to know if I let you use an outdated slur for Native Americans? I guess in Trump's mind, he doesn't have to keep his promises to MAGA as long as he continues to attack the people that MAGA hates. That's his get out of jail free card. Trump believes he has immunity as long as he remains a petty tyrant, demanding only liberal institutions surrender to his whims.

[Ronny Chieng]

Right now, Donald Trump is desperate to move on from the Epstein files, but the story is only building a major development just in.

[Michael Kosta]

The Department of Justice says it is.

[Ronny Chieng]

Trying to set up a meeting with.

[Michael Kosta]

Longtime Jeffrey Epstein associate Ghislaine Maxwell, who's in prison.

[Kristen Bell]

The Justice Department now putting out a new statement and saying, if Ghislaine Maxwell has information about anyone who has committed crimes against victims, the FBI and the DOJ will hear what she has to say.

[Ronny Chieng]

Wait, you haven't talked to Ghislaine Maxwell, Epstein's accomplice, the woman he's in the most pictures with, wouldn't she be your first witness?

[Jordan Klepper]

Also.

[Ronny Chieng]

Also, stick with me here. How funny would it be if the FBI gets there and she's like, I'm finally ready to talk. I'm finally ready to tell you everything, but then at the last second, she grabs one of the agent's Guns and takes herself out, The FBI would have to come out like, okay, okay, I know how this looks, but I swear, I swear, here's how much I want you to believe me. We did do the first one.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay?

[Michael Kosta]

We.

[Ronny Chieng]

We did run up on Epstein and, like, held him down, shook him a little bit.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

We.

[Ronny Chieng]

We didn't do this one. But while we wait to see if Ghislaine survives this interview, Trump. Trump has been doing everything that he can to keep those files under wraps. He's even got his friends in Congress trying to help Mike Johnson shut down the House just to avoid a vote on the release of the files. Yeah. Do you understand that they clear Congress out for the summer like they found a dookie in the pool. Over the last week, Trump has been throwing every distraction he can at us, and I want to go through some of them to show you how desperate he's getting. Let's start with his go to distraction Obama.

[Donald Trump]

The witch hunt that you should be talking about is they caught President Obama absolutely cold. They tried to steal the election. They tried to obfuscate the election. Irrefutable proof that Obama was sedacious.

[Ronny Chieng]

No, booze aside, sedacious, it feels like he's mispronouncing a new black friend's name. I want you to meet me, my friend, Sedacious. Thanks. It's Sean. The problem with this distraction is that it's so old. Jeffrey Epstein wouldn't date it.

[Jordan Klepper]

All right.

[Ronny Chieng]

Donald Trump is promising to lower drug prices for America. That's the news for the day, and I'm sure no one is gonna talk about anything else.

[Kristen Bell]

Brand new bombshell reporting from the Wall Street Journal.

[Jordan Klepper]

The Wall Street Journal report. The US Attorney General Pam Bondi told.

[Ronny Chieng]

President Trump back in May that his name appears multiple times in the Epstein files. You're best friends. You're best friends with a pedophile for 10 years one time, and the world never forgets it. But, yeah, this whole time, Trump already knew he was in the Epstein files, which is a good reminder that if someone's acting guilty, they're probably guilty. No one's ever gonna be like, don't look at my browser history. You'll see all the charities I volunteer for. But the good news for Trump is this is America we don't read. As long as there's no video coming out, he should be a.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Okay.

[Kristen Bell]

CNN exclusive. Newly uncovered photos and video offers a new look at President Trump's past ties to Jeffrey Epstein. Here you see the two. The opening of the Harley Davidson Cafe. Months later, Some new photos reveal Epstein walking into the Plaza Hotel to attend Donald Trump's wedding to Marla Maples. There's also what was found in this review of archival footage from a 1999 Victoria's Secret fashion show, which reveals, as you see the two men chatting, laughing with one another on the sidelines of that event.

[Ronny Chieng]

It'S getting to the point where it's harder, harder and harder to find a photo of Donald Trump without Jeffrey Epstein in as Donald Trump. Your only hope is to be like, hey, I take pictures with lots of people, all right? I'm in pictures with O.J.

[Jordan Klepper]

Denny. I'm in.

[Ronny Chieng]

I'm in pictures with Harvey Walmart Weinstein. That's not helping. I'm gonna stop. And they're not just in the video. Look at the chemistry they have. And this is genuinely unfortunate and unfair to Trump, but the way the camera highlighted the two of them makes it look like a giant heart on a kiss cam. What makes me feel terrible is I don't have a friend that I'm as close with as Trump was to Epstein. You know, they're making drawings for each other, laughing, showing up to weddings, going to shows together. The only way my friends hang out with me that much is if we're both holding Xbox controllers. The point is, CNN found all this new footage, and Trump didn't really appreciate it.

[Michael Kosta]

You actually called President Trump directly to.

[Jordan Klepper]

Ask him about this story? Yeah, we weren't on the phone very long. It only lasted about 30 seconds. But when I got on the phone.

[Ronny Chieng]

I asked him about.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

About the wedding photos.

[Ronny Chieng]

He kind of paused and then said.

[Jordan Klepper]

You'Ve gotta be kidding me.

[Ronny Chieng]

He then called CNN and me fake.

[Jordan Klepper]

News a few times, and then he.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Hung up the phone.

[Ronny Chieng]

Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. You can just call Donald Trump.

[Jordan Klepper]

And.

[Ronny Chieng]

He'Ll just pick up the phone himself. A president shouldn't be that available. You know, this is like pushing the call button for the flight attendant, and then the pilot comes out.

[Jordan Klepper]

Like, it's like, aren't.

[Ronny Chieng]

Aren't you supposed to be busy? Like, if you're here, then who's.

[Jordan Klepper]

Who's in the cockpit?

[Ronny Chieng]

I think this just shows how lonely Trump is. He's answering the phone because he just wants someone to talk to. It's kind of sad because, remember, his best friend died in prison back in 2019. Jeffrey Epstein died back in 2019. But not since Tupac Shakur has a dead man dropped so many bangers. All right, yesterday, video of the government questioning him back in 2010 started making the rounds and you'll never guess whose name came up.

[Jordan Klepper]

Go ahead, guess. Have you ever socialized with Donald Trump in the presence of females under the age of 18?

[Donald Trump]

Though I'd like to answer that question, at least today I'm going to have to assert my 5th, 6th, and 14th amendment rights.

[Ronny Chieng]

I'm gonna put that down. I'm gonna put that down as a yes. I'll be honest. I've never heard anybody plead anything other than the Fifth before. But this guy. This guy's so guilty, he's calling out every amendment he can think of.

[Jordan Klepper]

Like, no, no, no. What's the one with the women voting? 19. Throw that in, too.

[Ronny Chieng]

Now. This video is dropping less than a day since we found out Pam Bondi reportedly warned Trump back in May that his name was in the files multiple times. And it just so happens her next appearance was scheduled last night at a summit against human trafficking. Pam, show us what you got.

[Jordan Klepper]

I do have a note from the Attorney General, from Attorney General Pam Bondi that I wanted to share.

[Ronny Chieng]

I'm sorry to miss all of my CPAC friends today.

[Jordan Klepper]

Unfortunately, I am recovering from a recently torn cornea, which is preventing me from being with you.

[Ronny Chieng]

Damn. Even Pam Bondi's cornea is like, release the Epstein files or I quit. I don't even understand this. Like, why does her cornea mean she can't talk? Like, I don't know a lot about women's bodies, and this is embarrassing to ask, but is the cornea in the throat? Like, the only member of the Trump administration that I would believe has an eye injury is FBI Director Cash Patel.

[Jordan Klepper]

I can't.

[Ronny Chieng]

If that man is blind or can see the future, he always looks like he just saw the Epstein files. Trump has lost total control of the situation. Even his allies in Congress are turning on him.

[Kristen Bell]

In an effort to gain clarity, three.

[Ronny Chieng]

Republicans joined Democrats on the House Oversight Committee to subpoena the Justice Department to.

[Jordan Klepper]

Give Congress all of the Epstein files.

[Kristen Bell]

This fight's coming. No matter. I mean, this. This is here, and I'm ready to take this vote. I think we should take this vote and move forward. Move this country forward, and people deserve transparency.

[Ronny Chieng]

Nancy Mace. Damn. Trump is even losing the white women, which is great because it means we're getting the white women and we're getting those files. All right. This feels like when you're at the airport and Southwest has delayed you for 23 hours, you're standing in line, a couple customer service, and there's a white woman in line in front of you, bubbling harder than Prosecco. She's even doing the like. And then she turns to you and says, I'm gonna say something. And you're like, yes, yes, yes, white lady.

[Jordan Klepper]

Go up there and get that manager for all of us.

[Ronny Chieng]

And it's not just Nancy Mace. This is an issue across the entire Karen American community. All right, Marjorie Taylor Greene wants the files. Lauren Boebert wants a special counsel. She's like, I came to Washington to expose pedophiles and jack people off. And I'm fresh out of people to jack off now. Now, it may be surprising that some of the most die hard congressmen are going against Trump on this, but you have to remember that they ultimately just want to be reelected. And right now, their voters are absolutely losing it over this Epstein thing.

[Jordan Klepper]

How much are your constituents clamoring for more information about Epstein right now? It's the number one phone call that.

[Donald Trump]

We get by far.

[Jordan Klepper]

It's probably 500 to 1. 500 to 1.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Yeah. It's number one phone calls that we get.

[Ronny Chieng]

I'm sorry, 500 to 1. I wanna know about the Epstein files. But that is wild. That means people are calling in 500 times about Jeffrey Epstein for every one caller who's just like, hey, my tap water poison. And I could understand it if everything else in your state is going fine, but this congressman's from Missouri. Okay? They, they have real problems, but they're using all their boost mobile minutes on this thing. I'll talk to my kids next month. This Epstein thing is too important. And worst of all, for Trump, it's not just his allies in Congress or conservative Americans. He's pissed off his most important base of support, crazy ass lunatics.

[Kristen Bell]

Jacob Chansley, the QAnon Shaman who became famous for his horned outfit during the January 6 Capitol riot, is lashing out at the man who gave him a pardon. Chansley called the president a fraud.

[Ronny Chieng]

Like, wow, do you know how down bad you are when the guys who went to prison for you were turning on you? Like, I need to stress this real quick. He went to jail for Trump. This would be like if Nelson Mandela came out of prison. Like, you know what? I'm done with black people. These guys. Guys believe in everything but you.

[Jordan Klepper]

Take a look.

[Kristen Bell]

He also suggested that the President had defiled a corpse. Billionaire Elon Musk wasn't spared either. With Chansley describing the world's richest man as a baby eater.

[Ronny Chieng]

This is so, so bad. That's the thing about QAnon. Like, if Kendrick Lamar wanted to ruin your life, at least he'd do a bunch of research on you and your family. Qanon just comes out and says you're eating spines. And there's no way for you to prove you don't eat spines. In fact, every time you've got something between your teeth, they're like, see? See he flossing babies.

[Jordan Klepper]

Disney wants to know, are you ready? Yeah. For Marvel Studios, the New Avengers. Now streaming on Disney. Let's do this. One of the best Marvel movies of all time is now streaming on Disney. Hey, you weren't listening to me. I said Thunderbolts. The New Avengers is now streaming on Disney.

[Kristen Bell]

Meet the New Avengers.

[Jordan Klepper]

That's cool then. Marvel Studios Thunderbolts, the New Avengers, rated PG 13, now streaming on. You guessed it, Disney.

[Kristen Bell]

This episode is brought to you by Greenlight. Get this, adults with financial literacy skills have 82% more wealth than those who don't. From swimming lessons to piano classes, Us parents invest in so many things to enrich our kids lives. But are we investing in their future financial success? With Greenlight, you can teach your kids financial literacy skills like earning, saving and investing. And this investment costs less than that. After school treat start prioritizing their financial education and future today with a risk free [e-mail] Spotify greenlight.com Spotify.

[Jordan Klepper]

As you know, this young man has been embroiled in the Jeffrey Epstein sex trafficking scandal and did what anybody who is innocent when facing an accusation of this type did what anybody who was innocent would do. He fled the country. He fled the country. Taking a jaunt to bonny old Scotland. That's probably not the right accent. To leave his troubles in the United States behind and finally gain an ocean's distance between himself and the Epstein scandal and focus on his new trade deal with the eu. I'm sorry, yes, you there from the Inverness Castle Times. Mr. President, was part of the rush to get this deal done to knock the Jeffrey Epstein story out?

[Donald Trump]

Oh, you got to be kidding with that.

[Jordan Klepper]

Donald Trump. He's all like, how did you even hear about. I thought you guys just got baywatched like three months ago. Doesn't anybody here have a question about this trade deal sinking both of our economies with tariffs? How high do I have to make the tariffs before you guys shut the up about Epstein? But of course, how do you expect the media to move on when even Trump has trouble doing so? And so it was on the day of striking a trade deal with the eu Donald Trump presented once more, this time for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, his classic Epstein defense. 13 reasons why I'm not involved with a pedophile.

[Donald Trump]

Those files were run by the worst scum on earth. If they had such a something, they would have released. Now, they can easily put something in the files that's a phony, which is.

[Jordan Klepper]

Why I can't release it. It's simple. If I, donald trump, was in the files, they would have released it. So clearly, I'm not in the files. But of course, I'm clearly in the files, which makes them phony. I mean, what do they even have on trump? A creepy drawing Trump gave to epstein?

[Donald Trump]

Please, I don't do drawings. I'm not a drawing person.

[Jordan Klepper]

Your honor, I submit to the court, if there is one thing I would never do, it is draw. As you know, I suffer from tiny hands. I cannot physically even perform the task of drawing. I do not possess the motor skills and muscle strength required. Oh, I cannot draw. Not now, not ever.

[Donald Trump]

Although sometimes people say, would you draw a building? And I'll draw four lines and a little roof, you know, for charity stuff. But I'm not a drawing person. I don't do drawings of women that I can tell you.

[Jordan Klepper]

I mean, sometimes people would say, would you draw a woman? And I draw a parenthesis for breasts and a triangle for bush. For charity. For charity. I wouldn't call them drawings. More of a cubist pastiche of punctuation and geometric shapes to trick the eye. Some would see a naked woman, of course. Others would see an old woman holding a falcon riding a hoverboard with a triangle for a vagina. Look, the coin is this. I don't draw in trump's. He did end his relationship with epstein in the aughts. Perhaps a look into why he ended it will exonerate trump.

[Donald Trump]

That's such old history. Very easy to explain, but I don't want to waste your time by explaining it. He did something that was inappropriate.

[Jordan Klepper]

What he said was epstein had done something inappropriate, and that's why they're no longer friends. You see, Donald Trump recognized that Epstein had finally crossed a line. Now, if it were me obviously giving this explanation in front of reporters, I probably would have stopped there. But since I am not. And trump went on to describe Epstein's inappropriate behavior. And wait till youl hear what was the rubicon that Epstein crossed.

[Donald Trump]

He hired help, and I said, don't ever do that again. He stole people that work for me. I said, don't ever do that again. He did it again, and I threw him out of the place. Persona non grata.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yes. You all know him as Jeffrey Epps Epstein, the sex trafficker. But I knew his dark side. He was. I mean, the sex trafficking, I was like, okay. But he was also a low level employee. Poker. And that I cannot add. Anyway, Mr. President, do you want to slice this baloney any thinner?

[Donald Trump]

By the way, I never went to the island, and Bill Clinton went there supposedly 28 times.

[Jordan Klepper]

You expect me to believe that Bill Clinton went to the island only 28 times? No way. I mean, if anybody had VIP Diamond island status, there's probably still parrots alive on that island going, hey, Bill. Back again. Hey, Bill. Hey, Bill. How you doing, Bill? What's up, Bill? Here comes. Yeah, all right. That's okay. It's okay. I'm okay. That is truly the best parrot impression you'll hear. Here comes my favorite part of the defense. Trump's ego and narcissism are so central to his being that even his denial of going to the island comes with a caveat.

[Donald Trump]

I never had the privilege of going to his island, and I did turn it down.

[Jordan Klepper]

The privilege. The. Hey, Donald, want to go to the island this weekend? Well, first of all, Jeffrey, thank you for thinking of me. Unfortunately, that's the weekend that the teen pageant that I bought is installing the indoor security locker room cabinets. Obviously, for the Epstein case, Trump has no shortage of caddies willing to shame themselves. Here's Congressman Tim Burshak. Pre Trump being named in the files. Congressman, why do you think so many Democrats are committed to protecting the list of a dead pedophile? Too many of my colleagues, I'm afraid, are compromised in this area for whatever reason. The trash can is very deep. It's not a swamp. It's an open sewer. It's a sewer. Democrats are all over the plain logs. It's an open sewer. Sue, I'm sorry. Trump was also on Epstein's plane. Need a ball drop over here. You know, President Trump admitted that he flew on his dadgum plane. Just because somebody flew on a plane doesn't mean they're a dadgum pedophile. Wow. You know what? I always find that the worse it is, the folksier they get. Well, well, Mr. Trump, he not a daggone gosh darn dagnabbit pedophile. I mean, kiss my grits. I don't. I'll guarantee you he's not using that terminology in other sex offender cases. Well, gosh darn, if Dee Dee ain't two biscuits short of a country biscuit, he's two biscuits short of a country biscuit. But that don't make everyone at the freak off Crackle Barrellers. I honestly think my favorite thing about this is watching conspiracy theorists have to unravel the red string that they themselves originally strung out. Here's the OG conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck at his excitement for Trump's beginning of the second term. The only thing I care about is.

[Michael Kosta]

The scandal of the pedophiles. And in the next 10 days, you're going to see the Epstein file released. Day number one, Kash Patel walks in.

[Jordan Klepper]

By the end of the day, it will be released. Day one, deep state exposed. Oh, I'm sorry. Trump's in the rough. I'll get right on that ball drop. What the left is saying. And some people now on his team are saying he's in the report with 15 year olds. Really? Do you actually believe that? I have some clips that would be consistent with did buy a teenage beauty pageant. But listen, Beck, you're the master at making connections, so let's see you unconnect it.

[Michael Kosta]

I mean, let's be honest, 20 years ago, if you know, this was like.

[Jordan Klepper]

Hey, he was on an island with 25 year old models, I would be.

[Michael Kosta]

Going, probably, okay, 15, 16 year olds. That's not Donald Trump.

[Jordan Klepper]

Trump. It's not Donald Trump. I don't believe that. Do you? I say that's no way that's true. What? No, you're not. There's no magic X. You can't just magic X. Conspiracy theories, white people being replaced by voting, illegal immigrants. No, the X has spoken. But of course, Trump's caddies can't do everything. And it's given Democrats hope that they finally have Donald Trump. For so long, the Democrats have been Wile E. Coyote to Donald Trump's roadrunner. The Democrats thought they had Trump with the felons. They thought they had Trump with the Access Hollywood tape, but every time he got away. But now with the reporting on the Epstein files, the only way that this guy wiggles out of this one is if for some reason convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell swears under oath that Trump had nothing to do with it. But why would she do that? Coyote you find finally got the roadrunner.

[Michael Kosta]

Mr. President, how can you immediately rule out a pardon for Ghislaine Maxwell who landed?

[Jordan Klepper]

Is that something you would ever consider and why?

[Donald Trump]

Pardon for who?

[Jordan Klepper]

For Ghislaine Maxwell?

[Donald Trump]

Well, I'm allowed to give her a pardon.

[Jordan Klepper]

Me meep. Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcast, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Plus.

[Jordan Klepper]

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[Kristen Bell]

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