TDS Time Machine | Triumph's Election Coverage

Summary

The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Episode: TDS Time Machine | Triumph's Election Coverage
Release Date: December 20, 2024
Host: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
Produced by: iHeartPodcasts and Paramount Podcasts

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Overview

In the December 20, 2024 episode of The Daily Show: Ears Edition titled "TDS Time Machine | Triumph's Election Coverage," Triumph the Insult Comic Dog delivers a sharp, satirical take on the tumultuous 2024 U.S. election cycle. Through a blend of mock interviews, faux debates, and biting commentary, Triumph navigates the complexities and absurdities of the political landscape, providing listeners with both humor and critical insights into the electoral process.

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Undecided Voters Focus Group

Timestamp: [01:54] - [06:46]

Triumph begins his coverage by hosting a focus group of undecided voters, setting the stage for a comedic exploration of voter indecision and frustration.

• Triumph: "Thank you for coming to our marketing research offices. I want to stress that there is nobody masturbating behind this two-way mirror, no matter what you hear." ([01:54])

Participants express their disillusionment with the available candidates:

• Participant (Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford): "I don't like either candidates." ([02:39])
• Triumph: "Same as other people said, I'm not. Really crazy about either candidate." ([02:41] - [02:44])

Triumph humorously attempts to gauge voter preferences through absurd activities, such as choosing between inedible sandwiches:

• Triumph: "Here are two sandwiches... One is old and moldy, and the other has chlamydia. Raise your hand if you're eating the sandwich on its deathbed." ([05:11])

Despite his efforts, Triumph concludes that the focus group remains perplexed and undecided:

• Triumph: "It's a big one. Very important election. We need you to sit it out." ([06:46])

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Mock Vice Presidential Debate Coverage

Timestamp: [06:46] - [14:08]

Triumph shifts his attention to the vice-presidential debate, delivering a parody of the intense and often absurd nature of political debates.

• Triumph: "Tonight marks the third debate of this election that Joe Biden will sleep through." ([05:11] - [05:14])

He introduces fictional characters and scenarios to highlight the theatrical aspects of political debates:

• Triumph: "Welcome to the 2024 vice presidential debate... between one man who thinks Trump is a mentally ill fascist psychopath and Tim Waltz." ([07:00])

Through exaggerated remarks and playful jabs, Triumph underscores the lack of substantive discourse:

• Triumph: "So far, the candidates have been quite civil and respectful to each other." ([08:44])
• Triumph: "This is Triumph. I didn't spend my career beating up immigrants to let that Kamala take over." ([12:17])

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On the Ground at Madison Square Garden

Timestamp: [16:50] - [22:09]

Expanding his coverage beyond the debates, Triumph ventures outside Madison Square Garden, where a caravan of migrants has congregated, blending real-world issues with his trademark satire.

• Triumph: "I didn't think it was possible to have more white people here than a Rangers game." ([16:50])
• Triumph interacts with attendees:
  • Triumph: "So tell me, since you arrived in New York City, how many times have you been murdered?"
  • Attendee: "I'm a big Trump fan." ([17:58])

Triumph continues to mock the fervor and misconceptions surrounding political rallies:

• Triumph: "I hate when people use that term when they call Trump a Nazi. He's the candidate preferred by Nazis." ([18:30])

His interactions highlight the polarized and often absurd rhetoric present in contemporary politics:

• Triumph: "What's the biggest seller today? Right here. This one and all it has." ([21:10])
• Triumph: "The world's in the shitter but I'm spiteful and bitter we're all throwing mud and the oceans are flooding." ([22:09])

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Closing Remarks and Final Satire

Timestamp: [22:09] - [25:10]

In his closing segments, Triumph ramps up the satire, encapsulating the chaotic and emotionally charged atmosphere of the election:

• Triumph: "This election is more than about issues that, quote, unquote, affect us. This election is personal." ([22:09])
• Triumph: "Liberal tears, Liberal tears everybody. Liberal tears. I love them so. Salt deliberal tears." ([24:33])

He wraps up his coverage by reiterating the absurdity and high stakes of the electoral process:

• Triumph: "The world's in the shitter but I'm spiteful and bitter... My candidates lyin'the planet is dying but liberals are crying so I say three cheers hip hip hooray." ([24:33])

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Notable Quotes

1. Triumph on Voter Indecision:
   "You've never had worse choices in my opinion." ([01:54])

2. Triumph on Political Debates:
   "Tonight marks the third debate of this election that Joe Biden will sleep through." ([05:14])

3. Triumph on Migrant Rally:
   "I hate when people use that term when they call Trump a Nazi. He's the candidate preferred by Nazis." ([18:30])

4. Triumph's Closer on Election Absurdities:
   "The world's in the shitter but I'm spiteful and bitter... Liberal tears, Liberal tears." ([22:09] - [24:33])

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Insights and Conclusions

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog masterfully leverages humor and satire to dissect the 2024 election's multifaceted challenges. By portraying the confusion of undecided voters, mocking the superficiality of political debates, and highlighting the absurdity of rally dynamics, Triumph offers a critical yet entertaining perspective on modern American politics. The episode underscores the pervasive dissatisfaction and skepticism among voters, while also lampooning the theatrical nature of political campaigning and discourse.

Through his sharp wit and irreverent humor, Triumph not only entertains but also prompts listeners to reflect on the deeper issues plaguing the electoral process, including voter apathy, misinformation, and the relentless polarization that defines the current political climate.

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Note: This summary intentionally omits advertisement segments and non-content sections to focus solely on the episode's main content, ensuring clarity and conciseness for readers unfamiliar with the original podcast.

Transcript

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

This is Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford from Therapy for Black Girls. You know that Amazon has millions of books, so you can find one that gives you just the reading feeling you're looking for. You know, like if you're looking for a relaxed feeling like with a beach read, Amazon has got it covered. Or if you're looking for more of a terrified ah with evil twins or things lurking in the woods or something, Amazon's got you. I mean, even if you want an aw teen romance, Amazon has it covered too. Amazon Books that reading feeling awaits the.

[Michael Kosta]

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[Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]

Hey, it's me, Michael Kosta. The Daily Show's on break for the holidays, but in the meantime, we put together some special highlights for you. We'll be back in the New Year on January 7th with all new episodes. All right, welcome to our focus group of undecided voters. Thank you for coming to our marketing research offices. I want to stress that there is nobody masturbating behind this two way mirror, no matter what you hear. So as undecided, let's go around the room. Tell us your name and what your problem is. You've never had worse choices in my opinion.

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

I don't like either candidates.

[Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]

Same as other people said, I'm not.

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

Really crazy about either candidate.

[Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]

Okay, I see some of you feel you need more information about the candidates and I get it. We know so little about Trump and Biden apart from their campaign issues, their actions as president, their handling of the global pandemic, their criminal indictments, whom they've showered with, and a very detailed description of Trump's penis from a former porn star. But we still don't know. Okay, if you're leaning towards Biden, please raise your hand if you're leaning towards Biden. If you're leaning toward Trump, raise your hand. Okay, raise it at the 45 degree angle, please. Little straighter. Don't bend the elbow. That's good. It's a Hitler joke. You see, because you support a fascist. All right, we're having fun. Okay, raise your hand if you feel like voters are easily manipulated. Who doesn't think so? Okay, now lower your hands. Okay, now raise them again. Okay, now lower them again. Raise them up one more time. Raise both hands. Now. Lower one. Now, everyone say, I cannot be manipulated. Which candidate would you have a beer with? Which candidate would you go to a baseball game with? Biden. Biden. Trump. Which candidate would you let eat sugar cubes out of your hand? Biden. Biden. Why? More gummy, less likely to bite you. Yeah, Gentle.

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

Gentle.

[Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]

Gentler. Which candidate would you want to be behind in a human centipede? And keep in mind, no matter what you answer, we will all think you're disgusting. Okay, this is tough, guys. I mean, I sense you find yourselves undecided about a lot of things. My problem is I'm not sure which one's gonna die first. Thomas, I just have to ask. Why are you struggling with this decision when you had no problem deciding to leave the barbershop with those sideburns? Seriously, it's like my mom always used to say, shit or get off the lawn. It's your civic duty.

[Michael Kosta]

Yes.

[Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]

Would you agree with that?

[Michael Kosta]

Yes, I would agree with that.

[Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]

What is your gut telling you? I mean, other than seatbelts do not come in my size, I can't trust Biden or Trump, so. Okay, I bet I like RFK. RFK Jr Interesting. Also known as the evidence that the Kennedys each other. Okay, maybe this will help you guys decide between the candidates. Here are two sandwiches, all right? One is old and moldy, and the other has chlamydia. Raise your hand if you're eating the sandwich on its deathbed. Or raise your left hand if you want the sandwich that we have on tape using the N word. Okay, they're having their first debate. Do you hope the moderators will ask Trump and Biden, the really tough Questions like, do you know where you are? And can you breathe on this mirror? They're probably going to call out each other on stuff. Both sides are constantly saying this is the end of democracy. Both sides agree. So maybe instead of worrying about all this voting stuff, we should just decide on an escape plan. Does anyone have a bunker? Thomas, you look like you already live underground. Will the other mole people mind if we crash? It was time to switch tactics. Perhaps if they practiced making any kind of decision, it would prepare them for November. You've all been given Cheesecake Factory menus to share. Now take a look at them and make a choice. You can do this.

[Michael Kosta]

Fried calamari.

[Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]

A lot of options. Entrees. I know what I usually get. I say fried calamari. Americana. Cheaper. I usually get orange chickens. All right, you know what? Forget it. Forget it. I knew that wouldn't work. At this stage, there was only one option left. Look, you guys have barely given me anything, so I'm just going to tell you who you're voting for. Daryl, you're going to miss election day because there weren't any reminders on pornhub. Pauline, you want a safer, brighter future for your children, so you're going to move to Ukraine. Thomas, I think you should just stay home. This is a big one. Very important election. We need you to sit it out. And, Mark, whatever you decide, I recommend you listen to your heart. Or at least let a medical professional listen to you. Thank you all for being here. We've learned a lot. Will see you in four years when you can't decide between voting for AOC or Kyle Rittenhouse. Welcome to the 2024 vice presidential debate. The debate between one man who thinks Trump is a mentally ill fascist psychopath and Tim Waltz. It's a great battle between J.D. vance and. And what he'd look like after four years as Trump's vice president. Tonight marks the third debate of this election that Joe Biden will sleep through. And as you can see, the atmosphere in the spin room is electric. Shh. Quiet, everyone. The debate is just about to start. And here in the spin room, there's a palpable dead silence that one can only compare to the sound Melania makes when Donald Trump is inside her.

[Michael Kosta]

So there's an application called the CBP1 app where you can go on as an illegal migrant.

[Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]

So far, the candidates have been quite civil and respectful to each other.

[Michael Kosta]

Yes, boring. And nobody knows what it actually costs.

[Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]

How you doing? What do you think so far?

[Michael Kosta]

Very substantive.

[Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]

Substantive. Now, I want to turn to the show about the Menendez brothers. These guys have much more chemistry. For all of us here at Circle, CBS News, thank you and good night. A lot of people are reacting to the debate. Rachel Maddow said it was a slam dunk for the Democrats, but Mark Robinson said the video was so boring, he couldn't even finish. I'm here with Illinois Governor J.B. pritzker. Everyone loves Tim Waltz, right? He's so cute with his round face. He's like a cabbage pat patch of dough. On the one hand, a guy who's got real heart. On the other side, you got a guy who's, frankly, we're concerned might be eating a dog's heart. And so I'm worried about you. You know what? I was concerned about you. I have to be honest. For a second, he looked at me like I was a chocolate eclair. I swear to you. How do you say tampon? Tim did. I remember he did. In the boys room in the bathroom. Why did he do that? Here's what really doesn't make no sense. If he's okay with putting tampons in a bathroom, what's his big problem with installing a couple of douchebags in the White House? Problem with Trump. This is legendary senator and former astronaut Mark Kelly. As a former astronaut, do you have any plans to reveal the name of J.D. vance's home planet? You know that stuff's classified. If he just doesn't try to get caught up and how big the moment is. Yeah, it's a big moment. Something's funny over here. I smell pills and cocaine. There we go. I'm waiting to talk to great senator Katie Britt, whose post State of the Union speech last January is now considered a Halloween holiday classic. Don, how do you feel about J.D. vance? Is it hard to see your dad ignoring someone besides you? I guess none of these Republican spin bitches are going to talk to a liberal Daily show dog. But I do know who they would talk to. Gather round. The Hulkster's here. Who wants some spin from the Hulkster? What you gonna do when JD's mascara runs wild, brother? What you gonna do when I ask for a lift home, brother? How about some bus fare, brother? The Hulkster needs bus fare. Who's that behind me? Is that a Democrat? Oh, yeah, Jasmine Crockett.

[Michael Kosta]

She's going down and protect them and they don't have.

[Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]

Brother, you're lucky I don't throw a punch at you right now. That misses your. The Hulkster's here to spin the debate for you. Tapper I. I've met Hulk Hogan. You're not Hulk Hogan. Listen to me, Jake Tapper. I didn't spend my career beating up immigrants to let that Kamala take over. Dude, people gotta understand. I know Kamala. Back when she was Kamala, the Ugandan giant. Triumph. Triumph. What's going on? I'm not trying for Van Jones here. Oh, Van Jones.

[Michael Kosta]

Hi, Van.

[Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]

Yeah, I'm here to spin. Oh, Jake. What we saw tonight. You're weeping. What we saw tonight was two men coming together, putting aside their differences and focusing on the issues. I can't hold it together. It was so beautiful. Jake, that's not. That is not how he cries. He's got a question for Meemaw. JD's little Meemaw. That's me for the memo of DJ D. Vance. Oh, hi, Jake. It's Mama Mimo. Meemaw. Meemaw. But it's very. Sorry. Did you make these? You Jewish people don't know how it's spelled. It's okay. What makes you think I'm Jewish? Things aren't that bad, Jake. You don't have to deny it, my boy. My little JD is the American dream. He started out in rural Ohio, and now all the people he grew up with can turn on the TV and say, there's the hometown boy who's going to cut off my Medicaid moments there.

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

That, I think waltz sort of let slide and allowed Vance to triumph.

[Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]

You can come over here, Triumph. You want to come? We're live on CNN. Oh, boy. This is Triumph. You know, it's almost 1:00am this is.

[Michael Kosta]

Triumph the insult comic.

[Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]

So I don't know that you're miked. I miked. You're stuck with me. We're not going to make fun of.

[Michael Kosta]

Davy Vance's grandmother, but thank you.

[Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]

The Hulkster. How about the Hulkster and the whole. This is Triumph. Signing off from the greatest vice presidential debate in history.

[Michael Kosta]

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[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

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[Michael Kosta]

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[Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]

We are here outside Madison Square Garden witnessing a caravan of migrants invading Manhattan. I didn't think it was possible to have more white people here than a Rangers game. The last time Donald Trump had this many New Yorkers in the palm of his hand, he was doing it to impress Jeffrey Epstein. Truck rally to the right. To the right, folks. Come on. Okay. Whoops. Sorry. Wait, wait, wait. Let me just stand right here. Okay, you're good, you're good. Okay. Look at you. My good. Look at this. Get up. Holy crap. I almost wore that. You know, thankfully my Meds kicked in because it's something. Where are you two from?

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

Annapolis, Maryland.

[Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]

Oh, out of towners. So tell me, since you arrived in New York City, how many times have you been murdered? So you're a big Trump fan? I tell you what. At least Trump's the legitimate nominee. Kamala, you know it was like a coup, right? They handed her the nomination. You're right. She still has to get past Trump.

[Michael Kosta]

Yes.

[Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]

Which for a woman is very hard to do without pepper spray. Everyone outside is like, oh, it's a Nazi rally. Right? That is true. No, this is nothing like a Nazi rally. The Nazis were in shape. First of all, they took care of themselves. Unlike this guy over here. Right. Seriously, when I look at you, makes me think that groceries aren't expensive enough. I kid. I kid. It's not the Nazis rally. I hate when people use that term when they call Trump a Nazi. He's the candidate preferred by Nazis. Here's another issue that drives me crazy. Inflation. Am I right? It's crazy right now. Can you believe it's costing Elon Musk $1 million per voter to steal the election? It's a disgrace. The Democrats are running on a board. Abortion a lot, right? That's a big issue in this election. What would you say to people worried about losing that right? Aside from what is it like to have sex? I do not believe that they should be pouring across our borders. Foreigners are destroying American jobs. That is true. Did you know that just one illegal immigrant caused 6,000 people to lose their jobs at Twitter, this guy, Elon something. Well, that's a good point. That's a good point. What's the biggest seller today? Right here. This one. This one and all it has. You know what, though? I got some merch. What you got? If he loses, the election was stolen. What if he wins, you say, look, the election was not stolen. Okay, how about this one? To commemorate the Trump rally at Madison Square garden, I'm with 20,000 stupids arrows all around. Wow. I think it's going to be a big seller. This is a human dog collar. A lot of Trump fans can wear this. If found, Return to Staten island. Guys. We got to fix you up with some merch. I'm selling merch, you know. Yeah, especially you. Here. Here's what I got for you. I appreciate that, man. Trump condoms. There you go. Here. Here's what they look like. You know, they have more value if you keep them in the wrapper, which I'm sure you won't have any problem doing. And then here you can also have these. These are the Arnold Palmer size. I got a question for you. Are you going in? No, I'm not going in. I wanted to speak, but they said we don't need dogs and we have way too many puppets already. Do you love RFK junior? Yeah, rfk. Okay. If you like RFK junior, raise your hand. As far as the polio will allow. RFK is a real hero, isn't he? He is a good hero. I mean, because being a hero is all about sacrifice. And that man has sacrificed every principle he ever had to endorse Donald Trump. Between him and me, that's two of us who've had their balls cut off. How much better is K? Donald Trump doesn't need notes. Donald Trump does not need notes. To stand and wander around the stage while Ave Maria plays six times. You're absolutely right. You can't put a soundtrack of laughter on these. Oh, I don't need one. Listen to those people. Let me hear his Daily Show. Trust me, the liberals are going nuts. Yes. I'm sorry, I don't mean to insinuate that Trump is out of his mind. I'm stating it bluntly. Trump is out of his mind. Usa. Usa. Joe Biden. I gotta say, it's a nice crowd, but a lot of angry white guys here. Gotta admit, what do you think is less likely? That Haitians are eating cats or that any of the guys here have ever eaten New York? Seriously, though, stop trying to get it. Why do you think Trump had this guy in the bathroom? Let me get the punchline then. Shit on me this much with a colorful New Yorker. All right, These people are out of their minds. I'm gonna have to change into something that will command more respect around here. Okay, let's do this. How's everyone doing, huh? Trump. Trump. Trump. Here we go. Look at my old friend. We both took a poop on Nancy Pelosi's death, right?

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

I don't know about that.

[Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]

I don't remember. Come on. What a dump. What a dump we took in there. Oh, here we go. We're storming the Capitol. I want to storm a schnauzer's vagina. Who's with me? Folks, we're on the verge of something very special. Can you feel it? You know, the other side. They'll talk about record low unemployment, record high stock market infrastructure, blah, blah, blah. But this election is more than about issues that, quote, unquote, affect us. This election is personal. Am I right? It's about sticking it to those elitist liberals. Those elitists who hate billionaires. But you know what? On November 5th, those elitists, they're going to be the ones crying and we're going to be the ones drinking liberal tears. Liberal tears. Liberal tears everybody. Liberal tears. I love them so. Salt deliberal tears. I won't have Medicare in two years but at least I'll know that there's liberal tears. Liberal tears, Liberal tears L I B R U L Liberal tears. The world's in the shitter but I'm spiteful and bitter we're all throwing mud and the oceans are flooding and just as a bonus five billionaires own us My candidates lyin'the planet is dying but liberals are crying so I say three cheers hip hip hooray. Cause my dream is to drown in them Liberal kiss oh yes, Animal Cares.

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

This is Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford from Therapy for Black Girls. Reading books gives you feelings. I mean, that's what they do. And with millions of books on Amazon, there's a reading feeling for everyone. Like there's an awestruck whoa feeling you get when you read about a dragon flying across the sky. But that's different from the surprised whoa you get when you read that the best friend did it. And that's totally different than the hubba hubba whoa when the stable boy becomes a stable man and Amazon's got all the woes. Amazon Books that reading feeling awaits the.

[Michael Kosta]

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