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- [00:01]
Trevor Noah
You're listening to Comedy Central Texas, where.
- [00:05]
Michael Costa
Half a million residents were still without power today and more than 200,000 were without clean water. Because treatment plants are failing and pipes are bursting. Texans have been lining up for clean water from public spigots, boiling their own, or even trying to melt snow. Yeah, melting snow for clean water. I mean, you know that the infrastructure is screwed when your best option for water is to mug a snowman. But the saddest part is that these people are the lucky ones. Because it turns out one poor Texan had to travel 800 miles just to get heat, water, and electricity.
- [00:44]
Trevor Noah
Senator Ted Cruz. He is now facing a whole lot of questions after he was spotted on a plane traveling to Cancun, Mexico, in the midst of this unfolding crisis in his home state of Texas.
- [00:55]
Michael Costa
If you go on social media, you will see social media use is posting multiple pictures of the senator and his family in the Houston airport waiting to board their flight. Ted Cruz. No, man. You gotta be shitting me, dude. Your people are literally eating snow right now and you're jetting off to Cancun. I'm not even mad that you were selfish. I'm mad that you were so stupid. How can you be in politics for 10 years and still have no idea how bad this would make you look? What were you thinking? I know my people are freezing and hungry right now, so what they need is a photo of my beachbod, because if they see me in a Speedo, their eyes will burst into flames, and the whole family can warm their hands over those flames. I mean, look, I get that Ted Cruz is tired, you know, the man deserves a break after trying so hard to overthrow the government. But this is not the time. Ted. When your constituents said they need clean water, they didn't mean go find a wet T shirt contest in Cancun. I mean, seeing Ted Cruz skip town for the beach has been very frustrating for the people in Texas. But on the other hand, it has been really exciting for all the people in Cancun who got to meet him on the street.
- [02:08]
Trevor Noah
Wow, bro.
- [02:09]
Michael Costa
I didn't know that Senior Frog was a real guy. That was awesome. And what's even worse is that when he got caught, instead of owning up to it and apologizing, he acted like a total Ted Cruz.
- [02:20]
Trevor Noah
Breaking right now, an update on the reports that Texas Senator Ted Cruz took a trip to Cancun as the state was dealing with massive power outages. Something that had many of you upset online. The statement from Cruz saying in part, with school canceled for the Week. Our girls asked to take a trip with friends, wanting to be a good dad. I flew down with them last night and am flying back this afternoon.
- [02:42]
Michael Costa
Oh, I see. We all got this thing wrong. Ted Cruz wasn't going on vacation, people. He was just chaperoning his girls on the flight to Cancun. So in some way this was like a. A reverse taken. I want you to know that I'm a man with absolutely no skills whatsoever, and I'm gonna safely accompany my daughters on this trip. Seriously, Ted Cruz blaming his daughters for this is just gross. Being a good father means putting them on a bus, not throwing them under one. Although, to be fair, maybe Ted Cruz just doesn't know what a good dad is. I mean, his dad killed jfk. Phew.
- [03:20]
Trevor Noah
Need to get away from it all, but only for like four hours. Then come to Cancun, the perf vacation spot for your half day getaway. Grab a taxi from the airport for the whole family. Then grab a moped for when you have to speed back to the airport in shame. Enjoy our beaches, nightclubs, and uh, oh, you chief of staff is calling. And with our new bad optics package, you'll get same day round trip tickets, enough sunscreen to protect you for four minutes, and a pre written statement saying you were always planning to be in Cancun just for breakfast. Cancun? What the were you thinking?
- [04:00]
Michael Costa
Let's talk about spring break. It's when college students go on vacation and get drunk. You know, to take a break from going to school and getting drunk. But now one of the most popular spring break destinations is feeling a little hungover.
- [04:15]
Trevor Noah
It's spring break in Miami beach, where the party goes all night long. But mayhem is putting a blemish on this year's festivities. This all out melee on famed Ocean Drive, one of several brawls across Miami beach in the days since spring break kicked off even the roads to the beach overcome by bad behavior, these cars inching close enough for one driver to pour a drink for the passenger in the other vehicle.
- [04:41]
Michael Costa
Okay, no, no, no, no, no. I love a good party, but that is just wrong. All right. Also, what kind of people fight at the beach?
- [04:50]
Trevor Noah
Like the.
- [04:51]
Michael Costa
It's the most relaxing place on earth. Yeah. Even when I try to start a fight on the beach, it ends up being fun. Like one time, right, there was some guy on the beach and I bumped into him and then he was like, what the hell? So I splashed water on him, then he splashed water on me, and then I threw a beach ball at him. Then he bounced it back and we've been married for 10 years. It's meet cute. But it turns out Miami really does have a beach violence problem. And luckily their police are on top of it.
- [05:19]
Trevor Noah
Miami beach police bringing the beats to the beach. They're literally joining the party, refurbishing an old mine Miami beach lifeguard tower and turning it into DJ Central. With a Miami beach police officer as DJ police. Hoping this party friendly approach will help make the crowds more mindful and keep things under control. Things were going relatively smoothly as cop DJ Christopher Mitchell gave out warnings while also working his turntables for the beach crowd.
- [05:49]
Michael Costa
He gave out warnings while DJing. Who's having a good time? Too much good time. What are you like police DJs has to be the worst emotional roller coaster. Cause everywhere else in the world, when the cops show up, it's like, aw, party's over. Biomarker's like, dude, dude, the cops are here.
- [06:05]
Trevor Noah
Party time.
- [06:11]
Michael Costa
Every song is like this. You know, when you think about it, police actually being DJs makes the most sense. Cause cops are already the DJs of the road, right? Think about it. They just drive around with flashing lights. They wear reflective gear, giving out commands on the mic. Put your hands in the air, Put your hands in the air now. Come on, get down. I said drop the beat, drop the beat.
- [06:39]
Trevor Noah
Whoop, whoop, whoop.
- [06:42]
Michael Costa
Now we laugh at this, but the poor citizens of Miami are so upset, so upset that they held an emergency meeting on how to handle the chaos. And I know that they're being serious here, but it's kind of hard not to laugh even more.
- [06:56]
Trevor Noah
I think what we need to do.
- [06:57]
Michael Costa
Is we may need to make it a lot less fun to be here. Unfortunately, people are smoking pot. You smell it up and down the street.
- [07:04]
Trevor Noah
There's motorcycles.
- [07:06]
Michael Costa
There's half naked and fully naked women running around the streets. You know, I know they're all complaining, but it sounds like they're advertising how fun Miami is. Everywhere I look, there's motorcycles and naked women. And the cocaine here is the good shit. It's so wild. When I moved here a week ago, I was 20 years old. But look, but look this. If Miami wants to reduce spring break tourism, it's easy. They don't even have to lie. They just need to pick different things to emphasize about their city. So here at the Daily show, we decided to help them by making their new tourism ad.
- [07:58]
Trevor Noah
Hey, kids, think Miami beach is all about fun and partying. Well, there's a whole other side of Miami. You haven't seen like mosquitoes, sunburn, jellyfish, and so many douchebags in Ed Hardy, you'll wish those jellyfish stung your eyes. Miami is in the center of it all, including climate change. So bring an umbrella. You want to see skin? We've got hotties. Ever see a guy's balls dip below his bathing suit?
- [08:27]
Michael Costa
You will hear Miami Beach.
- [08:30]
Trevor Noah
You'll have more fun at home. It's Memorial Day weekend, which means summer is just about here. The time of year when my armpits begin to resemble that swamp planet where Yoda lives and people set off for fabulous vacations. But if you've got travel plans coming up, it's important to remember a few simple tips, which I'll give you in my brand new advice segment. Now that I think about that title. So let's talk about some of the mistakes people make on vacation and how you can do better. For instance, like these guys. Tonight, new video of two men damaging ancient rock formations here in the West. Two men seen damaging ancient rock formations at Nevada's Lake Mead National Recreation Area outside Las Vegas. The vandals. Not once but twice knocking massive redstone boulders off a cliff last week at the popular Redstone Dunes Trail. A young girl standing behind them screams out as the rocks come toppling down. Amazing. The first time these guys work out in their lives and they do it by pushing over million year old boulders. Hey, should we get a Bowflex? Nah, let's just up nature. You know, someone should go find these vandals and it shouldn't be too hard. Just look for the guy whose daughter has a blurry face. There can't be too many of those. So here's just the tip. Next time you're in the desert, ask yourself, would Wiley E. Coyote do this? Then do the opposite. Now maybe you're thinking this doesn't apply to me. I'm more of a lie on the beach kind of gal. Well, guess what? There are plenty of ways you can mess things up too. Like what happened to this lady. First up, don't be a fool and never mess with a raging bull. Shocking video shows a woman on a Mexican beach refusing to get away from the beast and paying a price. Oh, Jesus, lady, please get away. You're not doing us any favors. We tried to tell you. Yeah, they tried to tell you. Did you think let me speak to the manager would work on a giant bowl? They are the manager. But that's my tote bag. I have a bag of warm grapes in there. Lady, those are his warm grapes. Now just Walk away, you know, and then for dinner, you can have carne asada for revenge. So here's just the tip. Next time you go to the beach, pack a matador. Now, here's a story to remind you that smart traveling begins when you're packing your suitcase. There's a plea for leniency.
- [11:30]
Michael Costa
This morning in the Turks and Caicos, another American tourist has been detained after security officials found live ammunition in their luggage. That's illegal in the Caribbean territory and carries a mandatory sentence of 12 years in prison.
- [11:43]
Trevor Noah
Right.
- [11:44]
Michael Costa
Now, five Americans faced those charges. None were carrying firearms, and all claim they didn't even know the bullets were there.
- [11:52]
Trevor Noah
Five people, and none of them knew they had live ammunition in their suitcases. This is how gun crazy some Americans are. You know, most people going through their luggage find old hotel keys, or these guys are like, oh, good, my spare bullets. But this one isn't entirely on the tourists. Okay, Turks and Caicos, I get that you're worried about rising gun violence on your island, but I don't think it's coming from Americans bringing in two bullets at a time. You know, bullets don't do anything without a gun, right? They're not running around your island, like throwing bullets at people. So I think Turks and Caicos is being a little unreasonable. And if this were up to me, I'd have those Americans back in a second. It just takes one simple phone call. Hey, Turks. Hey. Can you release the prisoners, please? No. All right, let me talk to Caicos. But as it turns out, someone else is already on the case. Tonight, several members of Congress pleading for.
- [12:54]
Michael Costa
Leniency for the five Americans facing 12.
- [12:57]
Trevor Noah
Years behind bars in Turks and Caicos. A bipartisan delegation of lawmakers going to.
- [13:02]
Michael Costa
The territory, meeting with government officials urging light sentences instead.
- [13:06]
Trevor Noah
Wow. Nothing motivates bipartisanship like a free trip to Turks and Caicos. So here's just the tip, okay? If you're gonna do something idiotic that gets you arrested, make sure it's on an island paradise your elected officials want to fly to. Yes, you'll still be in prison, but at least you can look through your bars at the congressman holding a surfboard, waving, hey, we're doing everything we can. Now watch me rip this double barrel flip. You know, I know you like to travel. Where would you want to travel? You have not been either for vacation or to perform. Aha.
- [13:45]
Michael Costa
That's a good question. Where would I like to travel for vacation or to perform? So I think one of the things I'm most excited about is being able to like. It was like a work vacation type thing that I always used to do. I was lucky enough to travel the world, and I would. I would almost find a little home in a place, and I would learn the culture. I would learn about the food, you know, how the people are, how they aren't. So it would be everything from riding bicycles across the Golden Gate Bridge all the way into some random neighborhood where they have amazing sushi, to, you know, taking walks in, like, random parts of London that I've never been to, you know, in Asia, discovering new parts of Japan, whether it's in Kyoto or wherever. I, like, I miss doing that for. For my standup. And the way I always enjoyed it was weird. So I would always. I would always enjoy the vacation. And then my standup was like a book report for what I experienced. So. So, like, I. I have. I have shows that only live in certain places. I have shows that are only in Japan. And the jokes won't work anywhere else because they're only for Japan. There's jokes that are only for Dubai. There's jokes that are only for South Africa. There's show. So now I'm excited to go everywhere. I think we've. So my South African tour has already been launched, and then we just launched the US Dates, and then we're gonna be announcing European dates, and then we'll be announcing Asian dates as well. And then we're gonna be announcing. It'll be like, yeah, Asia, Australia, and then more dates in Africa, which is gonna be exciting. I've never been to certain parts of Africa that I've always wanted to go to, so. Yeah, so I think actual places. I would love to go to Vietnam. Yeah, I want to go to Vietnam. Where else would I go? I want to go Vietnam. The Philippines. I've been to India, but I want to do shows there now for the first time. So just do every. Cause that's what everyone told me in India. I was there, and I was like, oh, I want to come back. And they were like, you need time. They're like, trevor, don't come for two days, three days. You need time in India. I was like, okay, I'll take time. Like, how much time? They're like, how much time do you have? I was like, are we negotiating right now? What's happening? So, yeah, I'm excited. I'm excited for. For that. It's just every. Everywhere. Do you have any suggestions?
- [15:51]
Trevor Noah
Vietnam.
- [15:52]
Michael Costa
I said Vietnam. You can't suggest the place that I'm going to. You said it enthusiastically, like, I didn't say it. You're like, Vietnam. I didn't say Vietnam. We're on the same page, but it seems like we're not.
- [16:04]
Trevor Noah
Eastern Island.
- [16:05]
Michael Costa
Eastern Rapa Nui.
- [16:07]
Trevor Noah
Easter island, off the coast.
- [16:08]
Michael Costa
Easter Island. I thought you said eastern Ireland. I was like, no one's ever said it like that. It's like eastern Ireland. Ah, yes, Trevor. A positive Ireland nobody's ever been to before. A special part that nobody's ever been to. Okay, East Island. All right, all right. I'm gonna check it out. I will. And Ireland. I'm gonna go back to Ireland. This is. It's too much fun. The world is like, you know, if you can travel, travel. That's the way I see it. And I've. You know, I was locked up like many of you were we all. And then, you know, now see. See what's out there in the world. You know, get out and about and, you know, taste the food and, you know that experience, tasting a new thing, being like, ah, this is disgusting. But I love the experience. I love the experience. That's my favorite thing about eating new food, is realizing how much your tastes are conditioned. In life, everything you think you know as good or bad is or isn't just based on what you were taught, but you don't actually know. Do you get what I'm saying? So, like. Like, I remember that was one of the craziest things that happened in Japan, was breakfast is not what you think of if you've grown up in any country that's been colonized or is Western. So, like, the eggs and the. You know, the bacon, and you go like, this is normal. Of course. You eat the skin of a pig in the morning. And then in Japan, they're like, why would you do that? Here's. Here's some fish. And you're like, in the morning. Who could eat fish in the morning? You people are crazy. Please crack open the child of a chicken for me so I can begin my morning. Would you be so kind? You people are weird. So, yeah, I'm excited to do all of it.
- [17:41]
Trevor Noah
Hi, I'm Michael Costa. Before the coronavirus, I had convinced Trevor to allow me to host a travel show through the Italian wine region. It was the perfect scheme to allow me to go balls deep into a sea of Merlot. But then we all went to shit. So now I'm stuck taking you on a journey through my apartment. Welcome to Two Street Apartment Alarm Code 7978. Come on. My apartment is a beautiful land of two bedrooms and one bathroom, world renowned for its natural light, its high ceilings, and its access to nearby parks, which I can no longer visit. It was colonized in 2017 after I was evicted from my previous homeland, for according to my parents, being 36. But despite their ageism, I have moved on and now enjoy this apartment immensely, especially its culinary delights. Here, in the centrally located kitchen, there are over three cereals to choose from, including oat bran, for when locals here are feeling a little irregular. When you're in the kitchen, sample the national drink of my apartment, home brewed kombucha, which locals praise as not as disgusting as it looks. In the middle of this bustling market place is an ancient heating device. A word of caution to visitors, though. Keep away unless you really know what you're doing. God damn it, who left this thing off? While you're here, be sure to visit the Michael Kosta Museum of Art and Minor Accomplishments. Located on a neoclassical IKEA dresser, it holds my many prized treasures, like this autographed Regis Philbin Christmas cd. And behold, the crown jewel of the collection, a rare golden Emmy. Although relentless critics like my wife point out that it's a regional Emmy. But that's fine. She can tear down others so she feels better, even though it looks and weighs exactly the same as a real Emmy. Six pounds, 12 ounces. But who's counting? Anyway, this apartment is also home to a world world class wildlife preserve. Arrange your guided tour to take in these amazing animals, like this exotic North American Havanese mini schnauzer rescue mix. Here we have the pipe room. If you're a fan of pipes, you gotta check it out. Anytime you need to get to the pipe, you go here. I don't know what any of this stuff does. Let's move on. Here we have a window. Where? Why are those kids playing outside? Hey, kids, it's a global pandemic. Jesus Christ. Anybody enforce the rules anymore? When can I go outside? What day is it? Is there such thing as time? Have I ever truly been alive? Who am I? Should I give myself to see? Did I leave? Stovan? Is it Merlot is my dog. My master. My master.
- [21:26]
Michael Costa
My master.
- [21:27]
Trevor Noah
Well, I hope you enjoy the strange and wonderful land that is Michael Kosta. Join me next week as we'll be exploring the bizarre sights, sounds and odors of my building, buildings, hallway. Until then, I'm Michael Costa. Bon avioge. Let's get up this explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount plus Paramount Podcasts.