This Week's News | DOJ Protects Trump From Epstein Accountability, and Trump Floats Canceling Midterms

Summary

The Daily Show: Ears Edition

Episode: This Week's News | DOJ Protects Trump From Epstein Accountability, and Trump Floats Canceling Midterms

Date: February 7, 2026
Host: Jon Stewart & The Daily Show News Team

---

Episode Overview

This episode is a satirical and piercing breakdown of the biggest political stories of the week, with Jon Stewart and the News Team dissecting the latest revelations from the Jeffrey Epstein files, the Department of Justice (DOJ)’s handling of Trump’s alleged involvement, and Trump’s alarming public musings about possibly canceling the midterm elections. The team blends comedy with sharp political commentary, skewering the powerful and highlighting the continually shifting standards of justice for America’s elite.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Epstein Files Dump and DOJ “Protection” of Trump (00:24–16:34)

• Groundhog Day Analogy & Epstein Files:
  The show opens with Jon Stewart equating Groundhog Day with continually not learning the identities of co-conspirators in the Epstein case:

  "This is the day when Donald Trump sees Epstein's shadow. And we get six more weeks of not knowing who any of the co-conspirators are..." (00:24, Jon Stewart)

• Names Dropped in Epstein Files:
  Satirical roll call of the rich and powerful allegedly mentioned:

  • Donald Trump is compared to "New York City in a Woody Allen movie... because he's also in the files" (03:09).
  • Others: Lutnick, Bannon, Musk, Summers, Gates, Clinton, Melania, Prince Andrew, Sir Richard Branson, among others.

• Jon Stewart's Satirical Involvement:
  Jokes about searching his own name in the Epstein files, keeping tone irreverent (03:53).

• Elon Musk’s Involvement:

  • Elon Musk’s emails to Epstein, especially one sent on Christmas Day asking about island parties, are lampooned:

    "Christmas morning, you emailed Epstein—Christmas. Dearest Jeffrey, I've just seen the joy in all my children's faces as they opened their gifts. Get me the [expletive] out of here." (06:03, Jon Stewart)

  • Musk’s public distancing from Epstein called out as unconvincing:

    "Um, I could do what Epstein does on my own is not the moral clarity we were expecting here" (07:39, Jon Stewart).

• Howard Lutnick’s Explanation:
  Lutnick's story about breaking off contact after finding a "massage table in the middle of your house," is mocked for its unconvincing detail and contradictory evidence appears that he contacted Epstein afterward (09:27–12:02).

• DOJ’s Document Redactions & Accountability:
  Stewart drily comments on the DOJ’s heavily redacted files—belittling the idea that only Epstein & Maxwell could run a multibillion-dollar sex ring alone (13:13–15:50).

• Sanctuary Cities & the Real Two-Tier Justice System:
  The show draws a biting contrast between the legal persecution of everyday Americans and the protection of elite criminals:

  "The real sanctuary city is where money and power protect you from the consequences of sex trafficking or influence peddling..." (17:18, Jon Stewart)

2. The Trump Midterms Crisis & The Authoritarian Joke (21:00–26:50)

• Trump Suggests Canceling Midterms:

  • The show highlights Trump’s repeated "jokes" about skipping elections:

    "The president suggesting that he might cancel the midterms appears to be the inflection point toward a dictatorship from which our nation cannot return. This is serious." (22:45, Jon Stewart)

  • The press and commentators trivialize the comments as jokes, revealing an ongoing normalization of anti-democratic rhetoric.

• Republican “Takeover” of Elections:
  Trump is quoted advocating for Republicans to “take over the voting” and “nationalize the voting” (25:28).

• Ongoing Election Interference:
  News breaks of the DOJ seizing ballots in Georgia as part of alleged fraud investigations at Trump’s behest, which the team suggests is laying groundwork for actual meddling (26:34).

3. Tangents & Satirical News Bites (19:00, 29:16, 32:01 onward)

• Super Bowl Halftime Alternative:
  Lampooning conservative halftime events as out-of-touch, with invented lists of right-wing musical acts for comic effect (20:31).

• Trump’s Construction Fetish:
  Stewart and the team satirize Trump’s obsession with grandiose building projects—an enormous arch, a Kennedy Center reboot, and a $400 million White House Ballroom (32:01–35:00).

  "Trump is building Washington DC's hottest suicide destination. First off, it’s never good when architectural experts use the word 'alarmed.'" (32:55, Conservative Commentator)

4. The Discombobulator & Spilling Government Secrets (37:23–40:27)

• The ‘Discombobulator’ Weapon:
  Trump takes credit for naming a supposed new secret military tool:

  "It was my name. I'm very proud of the name." (39:13, Donald Trump)

  A US official later clarifies this "secret weapon" likely doesn’t actually exist (40:17).

5. More Epstein Fallout: The Royal Family and Beyond (41:21–46:08)

• Prince Andrew’s Further Disgrace:
  Exiled from Windsor by the King, the team ridicules Andrew’s royal family for their entanglements and lack of real accountability (41:30).

• Sarah Ferguson’s Embarrassment:
  Fergie’s emails to Epstein post-conviction earn her “lifetime achievement for worst taste in men” (43:44).

• Everyone Faces Consequences… Except Trump:

  • Politicians and royals worldwide losing careers, except for Trump.
  • Trump weirdly expresses sympathy for Bill Clinton's troubles:

    "It bothers me that somebody’s going after Bill Clinton. See, I like Bill Clinton. I still like Bill Clinton." (46:20, Donald Trump)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On DOJ Redactions:

  "I'm sure the 2.5 million remaining documents that we haven't seen will be no different. Right?" (13:09, Jon Stewart)

• On the Two-Tiered System:

  "The real sanctuary city is where money and power protect you from the consequences of sex trafficking or influence peddling... Not the small Midwestern city where trying to help a lady get up after she gets maced gets you shot in the back of the head." (17:18, Jon Stewart)

• On the Nature of Power:

  "None of these dudes, they've been on the plane, they've been on the island, they've been to his house... And nothing has happened to any of them. Any of them except Prince Andrew." (14:47, Jon Stewart)

• Presidential Gaslighting on Accountability:

  "I think it's really time for the country to get onto something else." (31:31, Donald Trump)

---

Section Timestamps for Key Moments

• [00:24] Groundhog Day & Epstein Files Satire
• [03:06] Stewart on His “Presence” in the Files
• [05:47–08:21] Musk’s Emails with Epstein
• [09:11–12:02] Lutnick’s “Massage” Story & Contradiction
• [13:13–15:50] DOJ Redactions and Accountability
• [16:22–17:18] Two-Tier Justice System Rant
• [21:00–26:34] Trump’s Election Meddling "Jokes"
• [29:36] “America Is Back!” Trump’s New Hat
• [32:07–35:00] Trump’s Arch, Kennedy Center, & White House Projects
• [37:42–40:17] The Discombobulator Weapon Folly
• [41:21–46:40] Royal Family Fallout, Global Politician Consequences
• [46:20] Trump Takes Clinton’s Side

---

Language & Tone

The episode is biting, self-aware, and relentless in its lampooning of political hypocrisy. The tone alternates between outrage, incredulity, and sharp comedic wordplay, staying true to The Daily Show’s brand of satirical political critique.

---

For Listeners Who Missed It

This episode is a whirlwind tour through the latest scandals at the nexus of wealth, sex, and government. It skewers everyone from billionaires to presidents to royalty, painting a grim but comedic portrait of the impunity enjoyed by the global elite—and the worried state of American democracy when even the president can “joke” about canceling elections. The humor is sharp, the commentary pointed, and the warning clear: accountability for the powerful remains as elusive as ever.

Transcript

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

This episode is brought to you by ninjalux Cafe, the three in one machine that makes espresso, drip coffee, and cold brew. No barista skills required.

[Conservative Commentator]

You're listening to Comedy Central.

[Comedian/Host]

Yep. It's groundhog day. We call it that.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Thank you.

[Comedian/Host]

I appreciate that. We call it the Groundhog Day because this is the day when Donald Trump sees Epstein's shadow. And we get six more weeks of not knowing who any of the co conspirators are in this multinational sex trafficking case. And also because Punxsutawney Phil is all over the files.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

I don't know.

[Comedian/Host]

Is. Is that to scale by any chance? Is that. That may be the biggest groundhog. They literally look like. They actually look like they could be friends. Bill Clinton and Punxsutane Fell. The point I'm trying to make is the Epstein files thing. We've been through this before.

[News Reporter]

Donald Trump revelations about his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein. The MAGA fault line seems to be widening from a fracture. Breaking news, a big break. Republicans breaking with Trump on Epstein. The dam could potentially be breaking here with maga.

[Donald Trump]

The beginning of the end of the.

[News Reporter]

Trump presidency after a million more documents in the Epstein files were discovered last week. Will this fracture become a lasting, irreversible break?

[Comedian/Host]

I'm gonna go with no. God, you guys are adorable. The chances of this breaking MAGA are actually worse than Trump just lowering the age of consent to be done with the whole thing, which is. I didn't say we were doing it. Which is not to say there isn't awful shit in this new Epstein dump. It was a veritable who's who of who you imagine wanted someone to touch their hoo hoo. Lutnick, Bannon, Musk, Summers, Gates, Clinton, Tish, Melania, the guy who directed Melania, Prince Andrew, and Sir Richard Brans. I don't think any of us will ever masturbate again.

[Conservative Commentator]

That is.

[Comedian/Host]

And of course, the star of our show, Donald Josephine Trump, whose thousands of mentions render Trump as kind of a necessary backdrop that through the entirety of the Epstein files, kind of like New York City in a Woody Allen movie, which, coincidentally, is apropos because he's also in the files. And of course, to get ahead of the story, I am also in the files. We all searched our names, right? You guys didn't search your name. All right, well, I. Yeah, no, I know.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Whatever.

[Comedian/Host]

I am in the files. All right. This is actually true. I take you to the scene. It is midnight, August 29, 2015. Jeffrey Epstein lies wide awake, his mind turning with ideas he jots a quick note to a producer named Barry Josephson saying, I suggested to Woody. You all know which Woody, right? It's the Epstein files. It ain't Harrelson, all right? Or the cowboy from Toy Story. You know which Woody Return quote, I suggested to Woody that he do an exclusive new standup routine for either Apple TV or Amazon. Oh, Jeffrey Epstein always had his finger on the pulse of what America was clamoring for in 2015. But Barry Josephson, thinking like the out of the box television professional that he was, pitched this idea. This is true. Quote, make a true biographical experience with his standup being the capper. Somebody like Jon Stewart could host slash narrate the biographical part. Excuse me, I am offended. Somebody like Jon Stewart or Jon Stewart. My point is, do I have the offer or is this an audition? Perhaps the more extensive references were reserved for members of the billionaire class who traveled in Epstein circles, including the billionairiest of them all, new emails from billionaire.

[Conservative Commentator]

Elon Musk at Epstein coordinating a possible visit to the financier's infamous island.

[News Reporter]

Elon says, do you have any parties planned? I really want to hit the party scene in St. Barts or elsewhere and let loose.

[Comedian/Host]

I'm sorry, I hate to do this. Can we zoom in on the email on that, please? Christmas Day. You're asking if Jeff Epstein's got any parties planned on the island on Christmas Day? I mean, look, Christmas is tense time. We've all had that feeling trapped in the house with the in laws and 14 to 16 of our children over the holidays. But generally, Elon the Wonderlust doesn't really hit till the 28th or the 29th. But Christmas morning, you emailed Epstein Christmas. Dearest Jeffrey, I've just seen the joy in all my children's faces as they opened their gifts. Get me the out of here. And ever since those revelations, Elon has been. How do the kids say it? Crashing out. He's posted about the Epstein files more than 85 times over the last two days. Oddly enough, mostly on Blue Sky. No, I'm just kidding. And if I may. Elon, slow down, brother. You gotta make some time for tweeting about the white genocide, too. Life's a balance. But this is obviously important to Elon, so. All right, give us the best argument for your innocence.

[Conservative Commentator]

Musk denies any wrongdoing. Writing over the weekend. If I actually wanted to spend my time partying with young women, it would be trivial for me to do so.

[Comedian/Host]

Without the help of a creepy loser like Epstein. Um, I could do what Epstein does on my own is not the moral clarity we were expecting here, but my favorite part of the musk. Epstein emails. You ever have a friend where you don't really share the same sense of humor, but you share the same interests? And they share the same interests?

[News Reporter]

Epstein writes him and says, any plans for New York? The opening of the General assembly of the UN has many interesting people coming to the house.

[Comedian/Host]

Mm. Many interesting people. Elon. Wink, wink. Get it?

[News Reporter]

Elon replies, I run and lead product design engineering for two complicated companies. Flying to New York to see UN diplomats do nothing would be an unwise use of time.

[Comedian/Host]

I'm sorry, Jeffrey, could you make it a little more obvious for your friend?

[News Reporter]

To which Jeffrey Epstein replies, do you think I am retarded? Just kidding. There is no 1 over 25, and all very cute.

[Comedian/Host]

What the. We've all had that friend. Why would I go to the bathroom with you? To go skiing. Ski. Skiing is an outdoor sport requiring a mountain and equipment and.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Oh.

[Comedian/Host]

I see. Now, another big name in the files is Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, which in itself is not big news, because since Lwick Lutnick admitted that he met Epstein in 2005 and then said he immediately cut off all contact. You know what? I won't let.

[Conservative Commentator]

Let.

[Comedian/Host]

Let me let him tell the story. I say to him, massage table in the middle of your house. How often you have a massage? And he says, every day. And then he, like, gets, like, weirdly close to me.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Oh.

[Comedian/Host]

And he says, and the right kind of massage, Shiatsu, or like a. Like a deep tissue or a loamy. His dick. I'm sorry. It's about. I apologize. It's okay. Yeah, yeah. He's talking about a dick massage. Go to the bathroom to go skiing. Okay. Dig massage. Understood. Carry on with the story. And in the six or eight steps it takes to get from his house to my house. Wait a second. Hold on. You live six steps from Jeffrey Epstein? Six steps? Jeffrey Epstein's house was six steps. That's how up housing is in New York City. Even billionaires don't get to live more than six steps away from each other. Imagine how the rest of us live in this habit trail hellhole. I'm sorry. Anyway, carry on. And in the six or eight steps it takes to get from his house to my house, my wife and I decided that I will never be in the room with that disgusting person ever again. Oh, yeah, I'm sure that's how you and your wife decided. Yes.

[Donald Trump]

Yes.

[Comedian/Host]

No, no, no. Your wife and you were both Outraged, you walked out of there like, honey, that guy. What a creepo. I mean, to think there's a guy with massage tables and a stage in a dildo room just six steps from our house. I mean, believe me, honey, you'll never catch me commuting to Palace Avenue ever again. Right, honey? You trust me, right, honey? And so he never returned until Files.

[News Reporter]

Released today show that Howard Lutnick tried to meet or call with Epstein several times after 2005.

[Comedian/Host]

Yes, Jeffrey, it's me, Howard Lutnick. I'm on your stoop right now. I just want to remind you, sir, I am disgusted and appalled and have a tremendous amount of tension in my trapezius muscle. You wouldn't happen to know the right kind of massage? My balls hurt. My one man show called Lutnick on the Stoop. By the way, it wasn't just Republicans in this email dump. You had Bill Clinton pictures having his cake and ogling it too. Economist Larry Summers seeing if someone was available to rub his Phillips curve. Look it up. And Bill Gates apparently getting gonorrhea from a Russian hooker. Allegedly. Yeah, true. God damn it. Clippy. Not now, Clippy. You're not helping. Him. Clippy. All these names, all these emails, images and videos, what do they amount to? Lots of additional pictures and documents, but there is nothing in the Epstein files released today that shows anyone new can be prosecuted. Well, of course. No, of course, of course they can't be. It's completely believable that Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell are solely responsible for supposedly KGB and Mossad. Billion dollar multinational sex trafficking ring. It's really a mom and pop operation. I think that's pretty clear. I mean, you've already seen the millions of documents that the FBI has worked on for months to flag mentions of Donald Trump. I'm sure the 2.5 million remaining documents that we haven't seen will be no different. Right? Trump lawyer and also guy in charge of files that might implicate Donald Trump.

[Conservative Commentator]

This review is over.

[Comedian/Host]

Okay, well, I'm satisfied. That's fine. No further questions. Look, man, we always knew that the people at DOJ releasing these documents weren't on a fact finding mission. They were running interference. And the guy they're running interference for seems very satisfied with these results.

[Donald Trump]

I didn't see it myself, but I was told by some very important people that not only does it absolve me, it's the opposite of what people were hoping.

[Comedian/Host]

You know, the radical F. I'm totally innocent. I mean, look at me. Do I look like the kind of a guy who would fly around on a billionaire sex plane. None of these dudes, they've been on the plane, they've been on the island, they've been to his house, they've given him creepy cards with pubic hair. They've been accused by a multitude of women of a multitude of wrongdoings. And nothing has happened to any of them. Any of them except Prince Andrew. Oh, Prince Andrew stripped of the title Prince. Ooh, such a penalty. Now it's just Andrew Mountbatten Windsor. Ooh, one more time, buddy, and you'll be busted down to Andy Mountbatten Windsor. You know, I gotta be honest, I'm just not sure anybody is gonna be held accountable for any of this.

[Donald Trump]

I have nothing to do with Jeffrey Epstein. And in fact, if you look at the DOJ, they announced, you know, they released 3 million pages. It's like this is all they're supposed to be doing. And frankly, the doj, I think, should just say we have other things to do.

[Comedian/Host]

And boy, and boy does the DOJ have other things to do. You know, looking into this decades long sex trafficking network for the rich and powerful is stopping the DOJ from getting the people who really deserve to be punished.

[Conservative Commentator]

If you are here illegally, you gotta go. Why? Because you're breaking the law.

[News Reporter]

No one is above the law.

[Conservative Commentator]

This creates a two tiered system. There's no accountability, there's no enforcement.

[Donald Trump]

It breeds fraud and crime and all of the other problems that come.

[Comedian/Host]

I want sanctuary city policy to end. But yeah, no, you're right. We gotta end the two tiered system of accountability. And to quote Lindsey Grammer, sanctuary city policies have to end. Well, after watching the politically well connected skirt any form of legal accountability for horrible crimes, it seems pretty clear to me that there is a sanctuary city in this country. But guess what? This kid don't live in it. The real sanctuary city is where money and power protect you from the consequences of sex trafficking or influence peddling or taking half a billion dollars and giving away America's AI infrastructure. Not the small Midwestern city where trying to help a lady get up after she gets maced gets you shot in the back of the head. That's the real sanctuary city. And these are the mother who live there. Give me the right picture. Yeah.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Cafe quality brews without a barista. That's the Ninjalux Cafe. Yep, no skills needed. Rich espresso, balanced drip coffee, rapid cold brew. All made by you. Because Barista Assist technology handles the details. Grinding, weighing, brewing. So you don't have to finish with silky microfoam made with dairy or plant based milk. Hot or cold, hands free. Still no skills needed. From first timer to full blown coffee fan, you can brew it all. Brew it all with the Ninjalux Cafe. No skills needed. Cafe quality coffee without the guesswork. Make espresso, drip coffee, cold brew and more with the Ninjalux Cafe. Listeners of this show get $60 off the Ninjalux Cafe premiere series with the Code Stewart exclusive on SharkNinja.com while supplies last. That's $60 off the Ninja Lux Cafe premiere series with Code Stewart exclusively on SharkNinja.com while supplies last.

[Conservative Commentator]

Super bowl licks is right around the corner and everyone's excited for the Bad Bunny halftime show.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

And by.

[Conservative Commentator]

And by everyone, I mean the radical woke communists who hate America. The NFL just chose the bad bunny rabbit or whatever his name. This guy who hates ice and he doesn't sing in English.

[Comedian/Host]

Someone who hates America.

[Conservative Commentator]

Who wants to watch a man wearing a dress anyway?

[News Reporter]

It is wild woke puke.

[Conservative Commentator]

Bad Bunny's lyrics contain every sexual term possible in the most explicit and severe sexual terminology possible. The lyric is, where are the horny ladies? One more dance and we're gonna call the Vatican. I was in hell when I found a devil. I mean, is this who you want as your halftime entertainment? I mean, oh my God, is anyone else as mad and horny as I am right now? So, yeah, there's no way Americans are gonna want to watch a performance by the most popular musician in America. But good news, there is a halftime alternative. And it's not just turning that seven layer dip into a seven layer poop. If you want to tune out the woke nonsense that the NFL is promoting during the halftime show, then tune in to Turning Point USA's All American halftime show. Their lineup just dropped, friends, and it's fire. Now this Sunday, patriots like Kid Rock, Brantley, Gilbert Lee Brice and Gabby Barrett are performing right when halftime starts for the NFL. Woo.

[Comedian/Host]

Huh?

[Conservative Commentator]

Man, that is a real who's who of who. We've got Gabby Barrett, Brantley Gilbert, Garby Billet, Billy Garbutt, Breely Grabbers, Bobby Glaibert, Gaggy Bobbles, Barnacle Gasperty, Babette Gingletree, Hologram, Hulk Hogan, Gregory Banklebob, Kid Rock, and Kid Rock's father, Adult Rock.

[Comedian/Host]

So yeah, it's great.

[Conservative Commentator]

This is great. You know, all those musicians. Unbelievable. It's great that there's a conservative halftime show, but what we really need is an alternative to the ultra woke Puppy bowl. Okay, who's a Good boy. Who's a good girl? Why are they so obsessed with gender? Let's move on. The midterm elections are coming up, and things are not looking good for. His approval rating is in the toilet, and Democrats have been overperforming in every special election since he took office. Last week, they won an election in deep red Texas by 14 points.

[Comedian/Host]

Yeah.

[Conservative Commentator]

So let's give it up for Lee Wamgans. Let's hear it. Lee Wamgans. Okay, just so you know, Liam Wang, Republican, you idiots. Good job following the news, but still, if Trump wants to avoid a blowout in the midterms, he's going to have to do something. Well, he could change his policies. He could slow down the rampant corruption. He could find less adorable kids to deport. So it's like, who cares? So, Mr. President, what's it going to be? Donald Trump once again floated the idea of canceling the midterms. He boasted that he had accomplished so much that when you think of it, we shouldn't even have an election. Yikes. Yikes. Look, I do get the joy of canceling plans. No one loves bailing on drinks or a work dinner or my kid's piano recital more than me, but you can't cancel elections. Voting is the most American thing you can do besides, well, not voting. And forgive me for being serious for a moment, but the president suggesting that he might cancel the midterms appears to be the inflection point toward a dictatorship from which our nation cannot return. This is serious.

[News Reporter]

The president was simply joking.

[Comedian/Host]

That was a joke. Forget it.

[Conservative Commentator]

It was a joke.

[Comedian/Host]

Phew.

[Conservative Commentator]

That is a relief. Oh, my God. I guess I was worried that it wasn't a joke because it's a little unusual for a president to joke about canceling an election. And also, this particular president actually did try to overturn an election, so I guess I don't get the joke. Can someone in the press corps please ask the White House what was funny about this?

[Donald Trump]

Are you saying that the president finds the idea of canceling elections funny?

[News Reporter]

Andrew, were you in the room?

[Comedian/Host]

No.

[News Reporter]

You weren't? I was in the room. I heard the conversation.

[Conservative Commentator]

Uh, okay. It was a you had to be.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

There thing.

[Conservative Commentator]

But none of us be there. If I was in the room, then I would have gotten it from his tone. It's like when Chris Rock tells a joke about black people. It works in the room, but it doesn't work later when Stephen Miller retells it at a Klan meeting. But. But this. This is why we have a press to hold these People accountable. You can't blame the reporter for asking. That guy's from the Independent, a British paper, and he is actually a weenie. And hope that gets back to him. That guy is such a nerd. People like that. I mean, that's why we hate the media. They're just nerds. Lighten up.

[Comedian/Host]

Yeah.

[Conservative Commentator]

What a. So, okay, I've learned my lesson. The president was just joking about this election stuff, and I'm a cool guy. I get jokes. So I'm gonna take all this much less seriously.

[News Reporter]

This morning, President Trump trying to exert.

[Conservative Commentator]

More control over the nation's elections, saying Republicans should, quote, take over the voting. Okay, okay, okay, okay. This sounds scary, but I know now it's probably just another hilarious joke. Take over the elections. I'm going to cancel the midterms. I'm going to be president forever. I bet once you hear him actually say it, we'll get how funny it is.

[Donald Trump]

The Republicans should say, we want to take over. We should take over the voting in at least many 15 places. The Republicans ought to nationalize the voting.

[Conservative Commentator]

This all looks and sounds pretty bad. If Trump does even half the things he's saying, our democracy will be less recognizable than the TPUSA halftime show. Don't make me use it again. The only thing that's giving me solace so far is that this is just talk, okay? If Trump was really going to meddle with the midterms, he'd be laying the groundwork by manufacturing evidence that there's widespread election fraud, and he's not doing that. Right, right.

[Comedian/Host]

Right.

[News Reporter]

Happening now. The FBI has seized all of the 2020 election ballots from Fulton County, Georgia. It's part of the Justice Department's effort to look for alleged voter fraud. President Trump keeps pushing this baseless claim that the 2020 election was stolen.

[Conservative Commentator]

Holy shit. Two things. First of all, Trump, you gotta get over 2020, man. I mean, 2020 is over. You don't see the rest of us being grateful for essential workers anymore. Move on. And secondly, I think it's pretty clear that Trump is not joking about meddling in the election this year. And the only way we can prevent it is if everyone stands up to stop him, especially Republicans. I'm talking Mike Johnson, Lindsey Graham, Gabby Barrett, Brantley, Gilbert Bork, Gutman, Gunk Butters, Griff Bortman, and of course, Brickley Gobblebottom. God, I cannot wait for this halftime show.

[Comedian/Host]

Oh, my God.

[News Reporter]

This show is supported by Odoo. When you buy business software from lots of vendors, the costs add up and it gets complicated and confusing. Odoo solves this. It's a single company that sells a suite of enterprise apps that handles everything from accounting to inventory to sales. Odoo is all connected on a single platform in a simple and affordable way. You can save money without missing out on features you need. Check out Odoo at o d o o.com that's o d o o.com from.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice 2]

Visionary creator Kenya Barris, creator of Black Ish, comes Big Age, the hilarious and heartwarming Audible original comedy about love, aging and finding your way in life' Next Chapter Big Age stars comedy legends Jennifer Lewis, Cedric the Entertainer and Niecy Nash Betts. Big Age follows recently retired couple Dot and Butch Watts reluctant relocation to their new Floridian home, Sunset Gardens, a senior community that is anything but relaxing. In Barris Retirement Community, Dot and Butch encounter a parade of unforgettable personalities who push their 50 year marriage to the limit. There's Butch's flirtatious ex flame Ethel, played by Nash Betts, spiritually possessed neighbors, pesky pill pushing couples and the ferociously competitive Steven. Through its blend of outrageous comedy, Key Party anyone and touching revelations, Big Age explores what it means to grow older without growing old at heart. Listen to Kenya Barris new laugh Out Loud Audible original comedy Big Age starring Jennifer Lewis, Cedric the Entertainer and Niecy Nash Betts. Big Age Age does funny things. Go to audible.com bigageseries to start listening today.

[Conservative Commentator]

It's no secret that things have not been great in the old US of A. Lately. Government shock troops are rampag, billionaires are stripping our last remaining news outlets for parts, and I just bought a pint of raspberries that costs $43. But don't worry, President Trump has an announcement that's going to turn everything around.

[Comedian/Host]

America is back.

[Donald Trump]

This is a new hat. We just came out. America is back.

[Conservative Commentator]

America is back. Thanks for that inspiring halftime speech, coach team. I know we're down 55 to zero, but on the other hand, I made a hat. Hope that helps. Good luck in the second half. It's bad enough they release hats as often as iPhone updates, but it doesn't even look like Trump's heart is in this one. Can someone ask him a fun question to cheer him up a bit? And please make sure it's not about a subject that he's desperately trying to avoid.

[News Reporter]

A lot of women who are survivors of Epstein's are unhappy with those redactions that came out. Some of them entire witness interviews are totally blacked out.

[Conservative Commentator]

Kaitlan Collins Ixnay on the dead Edophile pay. This is supposed to be a fun merch drop. Trying to hold the president to account is really killing the vibe here. Mr. President, why don't you answer the question in the dignified and respectable manner that we've come to expect?

[Donald Trump]

You know, she's a young woman. I don't think I've ever seen you smile. I've known you for 10 years. I don't think I've ever seen a smile on the face.

[News Reporter]

Well, I'm asking you about survivors.

[Donald Trump]

You know why you're not smiling? Because you know you're not telling the truth.

[Conservative Commentator]

Damn, that is messed up. Um, can I talk to the President alone for just a second? Hey, dj. Few thoughts, all right? I don't know if there's ever a time to tell a reporter to smile, but I'm almost positive it's not when she's asking you about sex trafficking victims. I mean, even. Even if she did smile, would that make it better?

[Comedian/Host]

Hey, I'd like to ask you about.

[Conservative Commentator]

That pedophile ring, but to be fair to the President, he's really tired of being asked all these questions that he refuses to answer.

[Donald Trump]

I think it's really time for the country to get onto something else.

[Conservative Commentator]

Yeah, yeah, of course. You want to move on to something else. I would, too, if I was in the Epstein files thousands of times. I feel the same way when the IRS tries to audit me. Hey, guys, I appreciate your interest, but me and my business jacuzzi are ready to move on. But you know what? Donald Trump is right about one thing. There are a lot of other important issues to focus on. Like what, exactly?

[News Reporter]

The President has announced his intention to build a giant arch across from the Lincoln Memorial.

[Conservative Commentator]

Wee. I'm the President. My arch is gonna fly. And now it's fighting Godzilla. And now it's telling Barbie to smile. And now it's marrying the Washington Monument. Oh, yeah? Is that what you guys laugh at? Stuff like that. Okay, so the President has decided to spend his time building a giant arch. How giant are we talking?

[News Reporter]

The Washington Post reports it could stand.

[Conservative Commentator]

As high as 250ft. Just 40ft shorter than the US Capitol.

[News Reporter]

Two people say he's grown attached to the idea, despite some architectural experts being alarmed by the scale.

[Donald Trump]

I'd like it to be the biggest one of all.

[Comedian/Host]

Wow.

[Conservative Commentator]

Get excited, people. Trump is building Washington DC's hottest suicide destination. First off, it's never good when the Arkansas architectural experts use the word alarmed. And secondly, do we need the world's biggest arch? This is how you can tell Trump doesn't live with Melania full time? Because this is one of those ideas men have when they're home alone for too long. Whenever my wife goes away two days into her trip, I'm like, actually, you know, we do need a skate park in this living room. I don't. And as for the arch design, it's basically, basically just copying the Arc de Triomphe. And honestly, if we're going to be derivative of France, let's not just settle for their arches. How about socialize healthcare? Or even better, the right to.

[Donald Trump]

Yeah.

[Conservative Commentator]

Or even better, the right to start a riot when your boss emails you after 5pm but fine, I guess go build your arch. Then we can get back to those important issues that you are so eager for America to return to. So what do you got?

[News Reporter]

President Trump announcing he will shut down the Kennedy center for two years for a top to bottom renovation.

[Conservative Commentator]

No, Trump is shutting down the Kennedy center for two years. But I promised my wife we'd go see the Bulgarian National Modern Jazz Dance Company. Damn you, Trump. Strange he's doing this now. Since they already renovated the Kennedy center the last time he was president. There can't be another reason he wants to shut it down for two years. Right, right, right.

[News Reporter]

That planned closure is coming after a slew of artists canceled performances once the President purged the Kennedy Center's board, naming himself Chairman and putting his own name on the building.

[Conservative Commentator]

Ah, yeah, he decided to close the Kennedy center the same way your friend who collects dolls decided to become celibate. Come on, Trump, you can replace those performers. There's plenty of great conservative artists like Nicki Minaj and Kanye West. And I'm sure someone else will also have a mental breakdown soon. Also, hasn't the Kennedy family been through enough? The assassinations, the scandals, spending Thanksgiving with RFK Jr instead of turkey, I spatchcocked a raccoon. But fine, I'll give you the arch and I'll give you the Kennedy Center. Just please, for the love of Gob, stop building stuff and focus on your actual job. The President has shared what he calls the first public rendering of the future White House Ballroom. The estimated cost of the project has skyrocketed from 200 million to now. 400 million? Oh, that's right, the ballroom. I mean, I guess it doesn't suck, but for $400 million, it's definitely not blowing me away. I mean, who designed this thing? Frank Lloyd? Just. Alright, architecture slam. Let's sum up how we got here. The President of the United States is in the Oval Office insulting professional reporters for asking about his administration's mishandling of the highest profile sex trafficking case in American history. And instead of answering these questions, he'd rather spend his time on his construction fetish of building his arch, a new Kennedy center, and a giant ballroom he and his friends can dance in while the rest of the country collapses around them. Or in other words, America is back. God, that enthusiasm is infectious.

[News Reporter]

Every day there's something new in the news, and sometimes it feels like the world is changing fast. At the Goddard School, curiosity is encouraged, and every question is a chance to learn. Instead of a one size fits all routine, teachers help each child explore at their own pace. The focus is on the whole child, supporting social, emotional growth. Along with early academics, families can count on a safe, caring environment where kids feel known and celebrated. Teachers act as guides, helping children build confidence and independence so they're ready for whatever comes next. Parents get a true partner in their parenting journey. If you want your child to grow into the strongest version of who they already are. The Goddard School is here. Visit goddardschool.com to explore programs near you.

[Conservative Commentator]

It's been a month since U.S. forces captured Nicolas Maduro right out of his Venezuelan compound and sent him to Brooklyn to serve out his life as a barista in Bushwick. And if you're wondering how a military run by these two geniuses were able to pull off that operation, turns out they had a little help.

[News Reporter]

President Trump just told the New York Post that a secret new US Weapon was used in that operation that captured Maduro to shut down Venezuelan equipment. He said the discombobulator.

[Conservative Commentator]

The discombobulator. That sounds like the worst ride. Don't go over there, dude. Somebody puked on the discombobulator. Personally, I don't think our most advanced new weapons should have whimsical names. If I'm shot by a laser that liquefies my organs until they leak out of my eyes, I don't want to tell my family that I was dinky zoinked to death. Can anyone follow up with the president about this weapon? You talked about the weapon, the discombobulator.

[Comedian/Host]

Discombobulator.

[Donald Trump]

Well, I'm not allowed to talk about it. What does that do? Let me just tell you. You know what it does? None of their equipment works. That's what it does.

[Conservative Commentator]

Okay, so you said you're not allowed to talk about it, but it kind of feels like you talked about it. This dude cannot keep a secret. This is how you know there's no aliens. Because day one, Trump would have been like, I'm not supposed to say anything, but they have three boo. But thanks.

[Comedian/Host]

Yeah. Three boobs. Hell yeah. Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah.

[Conservative Commentator]

I love this audience, but thanks for the lowdown on the discombobulator. By the way, who the came up with this name?

[Donald Trump]

It was my name. I'm very proud of the name.

[Conservative Commentator]

Yeah. And it. It is a great name, Mr. President. It does not sound like a weapon in Paw Patrol at all, but. So can you be a bit more specific about how the discombobulator discombobulates? Like, is it a laser beam or electrical pulse?

[Donald Trump]

Everything was discombobulated. It was, you know, practically a shot. Was in fact, you know, they were ready.

[Conservative Commentator]

Right.

[Donald Trump]

And when we came, they couldn't do it.

[Conservative Commentator]

You saw this in the video.

[Comedian/Host]

You could tell Tom it discombobulated everything.

[Conservative Commentator]

Tom, you idiot, what part of discombobulator don't you understand? Do you think I'm just talking nonsense here? This is almost unbelievable. Trump is announcing a secret weapon that disarms the enemy and ruins their equipment and disables their soldiers. This sounds too good to be true.

[News Reporter]

A senior US Official tells US Senator that Trump may be conflating several capabilities into a single weapon that doesn't actually exist.

[Conservative Commentator]

So I'm starting to think the President might have walked in front of the Discombobulator. Let's move on to the story that's been discombobulating the entire world. Everybody is still binging the latest season of the Epstein Fox. So let's get into all the fallout in another installment of the very normal and not shady handling of the Epstein files. It's pretty boring stuff. For the past week, people have been poring over the Epstein files and learning all the connections he had to the rich and powerful. Few people have been as disgraced as former Prince Andrew, but somehow this next batch has made him even disgrace.

[Comedian/Host]

Ier.

[News Reporter]

Former Prince Andrew has moved out of his longtime Windsor home. His brother the King, evicting him from the royal estate over his links to Jeffrey Epstein.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Oof.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice 2]

Wow.

[Conservative Commentator]

Kicked out by his own brother, who is also his second cousin and his fifth uncle, 12th removed. The point is, there's a lot of incest in the royal family. I'm glad he's getting evicted.

[Comedian/Host]

And I think.

[Conservative Commentator]

I think we can all agree it is much funnier when a British pedophile has to go door to door in their new neighborhood. Like, oh, hey, Governor, I'm a pedo, isn't it? Cheerio. Anyway, let's check out the shithole that former Prince Andrew is being sent to. Andrew has moved to a cottage on the King's private estate in Sandringham. Far from the public eye. Sandringham is a sprawling estate. It sets on 80 square kilometers of ground. There are multiple houses and cottages that are on this site. Oh no, not a cottage on the private estate. Only two butlers. And are we sure we want Prince Andrew far from the public eye? That's kind of how we got into this mess. If you ask me, he should have a 24 hour webcam on him like a pregnant giraffe at the. How is it that it's impossible for any regular person to find affordable real estate? And they're giving away fancy cottages to alleged pedophiles. Next time I go to an open house, I'm gonna be like, honey, tell em you're 12. Look, nobody's gonna shed a tear for a prince who has to downsize to the bad palace. But the ones that I truly feel bad for are the spouses. Imagine being Andrew's ex wife, Sarah Ferguson, right now. How devastated she must be to learn that her husband had so many links with Jeffrey Epstein. The former prince's ex wife, Sarah Ferguson is back in the headlines for her links to Epstein. The latest files revealing emails she sent.

[Comedian/Host]

To Epstein after he was found guilty.

[Conservative Commentator]

Of soliciting a minor for prostitution in 2008.

[Comedian/Host]

She wrote, you are a legend. I really don't have the words to describe my love.

[Conservative Commentator]

Gratitude for your generosity and kindness. Kiss, kiss. I'm at your service. Just marry me.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice 2]

Wow.

[Conservative Commentator]

Wow. That is the worst thing Fergie has ever written. And yes, I'm including the let's Get Retarded song. You wanted Jeffrey Epstein to be your husband really dodged a bullet, Fergie. He could have said yes and then you would have ended up married to a huge pedophile. Oh, wait. Either way, I am very happy to present Sarah Ferguson with this lifetime achievement award for having the worst taste in men. Congratulations, Fergie. Better luck next time. Cheryl Hines.

[Comedian/Host]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

[Conservative Commentator]

It's an honor just to be nominated. So. Yeah, this isn't a good look. And based on what happened to Andrew, I assume Fergie will be facing some sort of consequences on her own. On Monday evening, Ferguson's charitable foundation, Sarah's Trust, announced it will shortly close for the foreseeable future. Ah, the charity is shutting down. That doesn't seem fair. Sorry, kids. The Duchess emailed a pedophile, so no mosquito nets for you.

[News Reporter]

Now.

[Conservative Commentator]

Look, nobody enjoys watching The British royal family squirm more than me. I'm still mad about that whole stamp tax thing, but if we're talking about fallout from associating with Jeffrey Epstein, I think there might be someone else who should be facing some consequences.

[Comedian/Host]

Hmm.

[Conservative Commentator]

Like not a royal. More like a politician. In Slovakia, a top advisor to the prime minister has resigned after showed he met with Epstein in 2018. No, no, not some minister in Slovakia. It's not even a real place. When I said certain politicians should be held accountable, I meant, you know, like someone running a country.

[News Reporter]

There's a world leader facing a political crisis over the Epstein files. That's British Prime Minister Keir Starmer.

[Conservative Commentator]

No, no, no, no, no. Not Great Britain. That's not even a real place. Look, I'm going to be very clear about the President of the United States. Someone needs to demand answers from the US President. Former President Bill Clinton agreed to testify in the House Oversight Committee's Epstein probe. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not a former. You know what?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

It.

[Conservative Commentator]

Okay. I guess everybody in the damn files is gonna face consequences except for Donald Trump. And on top of that, he must be so happy that his nemesis Bill Clinton is getting in trouble for this.

[Donald Trump]

It bothers me that somebody's going after Bill Clinton. See, I like Bill Clinton. I still like Bill Clinton.

[Comedian/Host]

What do you like about him? I liked.

[Donald Trump]

Well, I liked his behavior toward me.

[Comedian/Host]

I thought he got me.

[Donald Trump]

He understood me.

[Conservative Commentator]

What, he likes Bill Clinton now?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice 2]

Hmm.

[Conservative Commentator]

Either Trump just wants to get on Clinton's good side before he testifies about Epstein, or this is just a game recognize game moment. I'd like to acknowledge that we are standing on sacred land where Bill Clinton got a hummer from an intern. Props to the OG. I can barely wrap my head around all the twists and turns in this story. Trump is in the Epstein files maybe more than anyone, but Bill Clinton is the only one who has to testify about it. But instead of being happy about that, Trump is upset. I feel like I'm losing my mind. This whole thing, it just. It has me. I don't know.

[Donald Trump]

Discombobulated?

[Comedian/Host]

Exactly. That's what I was looking for.

[Conservative Commentator]

Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Close your eyes.

[News Reporter]

Exhale.

[Conservative Commentator]

Feel your body relax, and let go.

[News Reporter]

Of whatever you're carrying today. Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-contacts. Oh my gosh, they're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800-contacts.com today to save on your first order.

[Conservative Commentator]

1-800-Contacts.

[News Reporter]

Spring break isn't what it used to be. It's better this spring. Stay three nights and get a $50 Best Western gift card. Life's a trip. Make the most of it at best Western. Visit bestwestern.com for complete terms and conditions.

[Conservative Commentator]

Well, the holidays have come and gone once again. But if you've forgotten to get that special someone in your life a gift, well, Mint Mobile is extending their holiday offer of half off unlimited wireless.

[Comedian/Host]

So here's the idea.

[Conservative Commentator]

You get it now, you call it an early present for next year. What do you have to lose? Give it a [e-mail] Switch limited time.

[News Reporter]

50% off regular price for new customers. Upfront payment required $45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for 12 month plan taxes and fees. Extra speeds may slow after 50 gigabytes per month when network is busy. See terms.