This Week's News | Jon on Trump's "Art of the Deal" in Iran & Kosta on Kash Patel's Partying Problem

Summary

The Daily Show: Ears Edition – April 25, 2026

This Week's News | Jon on Trump's "Art of the Deal" in Iran & Kosta on Kash Patel's Partying Problem

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Daily Show: Ears Edition, hosted by Jon Stewart and the News Team, takes a sharply comedic look at the week’s major political headlines. The show’s central focus is President Donald Trump's erratic handling of the war and negotiations with Iran, dissected through a satirical breakdown of his self-proclaimed “Art of the Deal.” The episode also covers scandal-plagued FBI Director Kash Patel’s defamation lawsuit and workplace behavior, as well as the resignation of Labor Secretary Lori Chavez Darimer amid multiple personal and professional scandals. Political chaos, government ineptitude, and the absurdity of public figures' personal lives all get the signature Daily Show treatment.

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Key Segments & Timestamps

1. Trump’s Executive Order on Psychedelic Treatments for Veterans

• [01:07–02:29]
  • Trump signs an executive order fast-tracking FDA approval for psychedelic drugs (ibogaine) to treat veterans’ PTSD.
  • Show pokes fun at Trump's struggle with pronouncing "ibogaine."
    • Quote: “They gave you the easiest hallucinogenic to pronounce…they could have thrown ayahuasca in there, psilocybin. But they gave you eyeball gain. But even when they dumbed the shit down for him, it's a problem.” — Jon [01:49]
  • Brief acknowledgment of the mental health benefits, but more so a vehicle for ridiculing presidential behavior.

2. Satirical ‘Art of the Deal’ Breakdown: Iran War Negotiations

• [07:00–22:14]
  • Trump claims a “total victory over Iran,” declaring the Strait of Hormuz open — but Iran directly contradicts him.
  • Jon lampoons the constantly shifting narrative and confusing, often contradictory announcements coming from Trump and his administration.
    • Quote: “You can't be depressed if the sadness can't catch you. And to be frank, I don't think Donald Trump should treat that with hallucinogenics anyway. But if he did, would we even notice if he took hallucinogenics?” — Jon [03:31]
    • Quote: “The President is playing chess when the rest of the world is playing checkers.” — Satirical analyst [08:19]
  • Chronological review of Trump’s reported “negotiation steps”:
    1. Make maximalist demands for unconditional surrender (14:06)
    2. Threaten “Stone Age” destruction (14:44)
    3. Overreact to economic threats, e.g., Strait of Hormuz closure (15:08)
    4. Simply declare victory and say the Strait is open (17:04)
    5. Institute a blockade and provide ever-shifting “plans” (17:57–19:15)
    6. Refuse to reveal the plan, then proceed to leak it everywhere (18:42–19:23)
    7. Keep the cycle of confusion going — “Who's leading talks? Is the ceasefire extended? Is someone flying to Pakistan, or not?” (20:31–21:01)
    8. The outcome: thousands dead, global economic chaos, and the possibility of moving on to another conflict (“Cuba's next!”) (22:10)
    • Quote: “It’s a cycle of demands and threats and premature declarations of victory that allows the negotiator enough wiggle room to at almost any point, claim that they've achieved exactly what they've set out to do, ultimately achieving a nuclear deal that will probably be worse than the nuclear deal Trump pulled our country out of…” — Jon [21:01]

3. The Cash Patel Scandal: Partying FBI Director

• [22:40–28:17; 34:24–35:26]
  • Segment lampoons FBI Director Kash Patel’s lawsuit over a critical article alleging excessive drinking and absenteeism.
    • Reports detail security needing SWAT-style equipment to wake Patel, and an affinity for Las Vegas’ “Poodle Room,” described as a “coke den.”
    • Attempts to rebut allegations lead to more comedy.
    • Quote: “It is concerning that the guy who's supposed to be the country's top investigator can't crack the case of logging into his own computer.” — [27:18]
    • Quote: “If you love your job and you're shit faced at it, you'll never work a day in your life.” — Jon [35:26]
  • Patel’s evasive press comments are compared to middle-school-level comebacks, and his math doesn’t add up.

4. Labor Secretary Lori Chavez Darimer’s Resignation and Scandal

• [28:26–32:24]
  • Chavez Darimer resigns amid allegations including binge drinking with staff, strip club visits on work trips, and family-related sexual harassment of staff.
    • Quote: “What the hell was she going through her workplace anti harassment training? Like, challenge accepted.” — [29:14]
    • Husband and father both accused of inappropriate conduct toward staff; Jon ridicules the dysfunction as a new low for Washington.
    • Quote: “Her dad. They're saying her dad is trying to tag team his daughter's staff with his son in law.” — [30:51]
  • It’s revealed that staff were instructed by the Secretary to “pay attention to her husband and father.” [32:06]

5. War Update: Ceasefire Confusion and the Ongoing Crisis

• [35:26–42:53]
  • Trump’s constant reversals on strategy and announcements — e.g., stating the Vice President is on a peace mission when he isn’t, switching positions on the ceasefire multiple times within hours.
    • Quote: “Nothing you say means anything. In fact, you know what? Hold on. I know how to deal with this.” — [39:05]
  • Iran attacks ships during a supposed “indefinite ceasefire” — satirized as the “shortest indefinite ceasefire” ever [38:39].
    • Show highlights the disconnect between rhetoric and reality, the economic fallout of the conflict, and how everyday items like condoms are affected by the crisis.
    • Quote: “Do you understand how Bad it is when the price of shit is rising.” — [39:59]
    • “Now, maybe you don't fly or drive or eat, but sooner or later, the effects of this war are going to get you, possibly in ways you never saw coming.” — [40:29]
  • Jon ironically thanks Trump for accelerating global investment in renewables by making the risks of fossil fuel dependence clear.
    • Quote: “At this point, you're basically Captain Planet, except if there are any records of you spending time with younger women, they've probably been redacted by the DOJ.” — [42:12]

6. Navy Secretary Turmoil

• [43:51–49:29]
  • US Navy Secretary John Phelan is fired during a naval blockade; criticized for lack of military experience and links to Jeffrey Epstein’s private flights.
  • Successor Hung Kao, a Navy veteran, is satirized for his name and controversial views on Christianity and “alpha” military culture.
    • Quote: “But what exactly will the alpha males and females do that others can't? What we need is alpha males and alpha females who are gonna rip out their own guts, eat them and ask for seconds. Those are young men and women that are gonna win wars.” — [48:42]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You can't be depressed if the sadness can't catch you.” — Jon [03:31]
• “It doesn't look like...Donald Trump. It looks like it says 'Leonard Skynyrd.'” — Jon, on Trump's signature [05:20]
• “Trump is playing chess, checkers, dominoes…and he’s hungry for Hungry Hungry Hippos.” — [09:17]
• “You want to attack my character? Come at me. Bring it on.” — Kash Patel [27:39]
• “Her dad is trying to tag team his daughter's staff with his son-in-law. Well, no wonder she's drinking at Work.” — [30:51]
• “Do you understand how bad it is when the price of shit is rising?” — Jon [39:59]
• “Now, maybe you don't fly or drive or eat, but sooner or later, the effects of this war are going to get you, possibly in ways you never saw coming.” — [40:29]
• “At this point, you're basically Captain Planet…except if there are any records of you spending time with younger women, they've probably been redacted by the DOJ.” — Jon [42:12]

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Overall Tone

• Signature Jon Stewart blend of scathing satire, sharp political commentary, and absurdist humor.
• Frequent use of sarcasm, mockery, and pop culture reference (“playing 5D chess”, “Captain Planet”, “Leonard Skynyrd signature”, “Domino’s”).
• Undercurrent of frustration at political dysfunction, with punchlines highlighting the very real consequences of chaotic leadership.

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Usefulness for Non-Listeners

This summary encapsulates the major themes—Trump’s chaotic Iran policy mocked as a senseless loop of ever-higher stakes; a dysfunctional, scandal-riven cabinet; the absurdities of government and war laced with economic fallout; and veterans’ issues given brief but darkly comic acknowledgment. Notable moments underline both the humor and the underlying gravity. If you missed the episode, this guide delivers the biting humor, the critique, and the key news in the voice of The Daily Show team.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Where is Daredevil? I'm right here. Don't miss the return of Marvel Television's Daredevil born again.

[C]

So what's next?

[B]

I feel liberated.

[A]

We're gonna take this city back over

[B]

medicated in an all new season now streaming only on Disney.

[A]

They're hunting us.

[C]

It's time we started hunting them.

[B]

I can work with them.

[C]

This should be tons of fun.

[B]

Marvel Television's Daredevil born now streaming only on Disney.

[A]

You're listening to Comedy Central.

[B]

The president did a solid over the weekend. President Trump signed an executive order in front of his fraternity brothers fast tracking the FDA process for novel psychedelic drug treatments for veterans suffering from all forms of PTSD and other psychiatric conditions, including addiction. You know, I'm sorry. I'll let the president explain off the

[D]

cuff as he does in 2024 study from Stanford University, 30 special operation veterans with traumatic brain injuries underwent. It's called ibogaine treatment. Ibogaine. Remember the name. Is that pronounced relatively properly, would you say?

[A]

Yes.

[D]

I don't want to get it wrong.

[B]

Ibogaine. Body. Body. Body. Eyebo gain. Eyebo gain. Rogaine with an eyebow. It's easy, by the way. They gave you the easiest hallucinogenic to pronounce. They could have thrown ayahuasca in there, psilocybin. But they gave you eyeball gain. But even when they dumbed the shit down for him, it's a problem. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm falling into old habits. It's good. You did a good thing. I'm nitpicking. I apologize. A lot of the people are gonna get the help they need.

[D]

All right, Bogan. Cause it's so important. And experienced an 80 to 90% reduction in symptoms of depression and anxiety within one month. Can I have some, please?

[B]

I'll take.

[A]

I'll take whatever it take.

[B]

Oh, my God. He's depressed, too. Hey, don't be depressed, sir. Trump won't be president forever. But I have to say there are little moments in these Oval Office gatherings that are somewhat revelatory of the president's psyche and really a good starting place for any accredited mental health professional.

[D]

I don't have time to be depressed. You know, if you stay busy enough, maybe that works, too. That's what I do.

[B]

You can't get depressed if you stay busy. It's a little thing called outrunning the darkness. You can't be depressed if the sadness can't catch you. And to be frank, I don't think Donald Trump should treat that with hallucinogenics anyway. But if he did, would we even notice if he took hallucinogenics, he'd be like, they're eating the cats and dogs right. Right near my beautiful ballroom. By the way, did you know I'm jes. The poor fella in the bed is still sick. Really freaks me out every time I look at that picture. All right, you know what, though? Maybe Trump's already taken them, given how intensely he focused on the signing of this bill. I mean, he signed the shit out of this bill.

[D]

That's a good one. Oh, I wanted this one.

[A]

Hear that, Joe? You think Biden can do that? He can.

[B]

Hey, man, you ever really looked at your signature on weed? Look, I do. I think it's a good thing what he did. I swear to God, it's a good thing what he did. And this is not political. I don't mean this as political, but it was weird as shit, the way he signed that. It was like. It was weird as shit. Like, I'm looking at that signature right now. Does that even say Donald Trump? The last name is longer than his first name. It doesn't look like. It looks like it says Leonard Skynyrd. It doesn't even. It doesn't make any sense. None of this makes sense. Go, Go. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to derail the program. Can we go back to the. Just play him writing the last name? I swear to God, he doesn't write Trump. That's not trained. That's too many letters. I counted, like, 10 letters. Unless he's just adding characters, like, this is his wi fi password. It doesn't say Donald Trump. I would make sure this executive order is even because it appears to have been signed off by David Hasselhoff. That says David Hasselhoff. But the signing capped off a bit of a winning streak for the president. The biggest news being the Friday announcement of his total victory over Iran.

[A]

President Trump marches to victory.

[C]

Trump told the media Iran has agreed to everything.

[A]

The announcement really sparked a huge surge on Wall Street. New record highs on the S&P 500 and the NASDAQ. Crude oil prices falling off a cliff.

[D]

Most of the Points are already negotiated and agreed to. You'll be very happy. A great and brilliant day for the world.

[B]

Wow. I'm. Sir, if I may offer you a humble apology. I was one of the naysayers who said, this president got us into a war on an impulse. I said this president didn't have a plan for a coherent exit strategy. I said this president was cavalier about the damage that this war of choice would cause. I said, this president seems to slosh when he moves because of the Venus insufficiency, like a milk carton when you push across the kitchen. I said all of those things, and I would like to take back three of those statements. E does slosh, but the President's allies knew all along what time it was.

[A]

The President is playing is playing chess when the rest of the world is playing checkers.

[B]

That's how he does it. I can't believe at the beginning, when the whole thing started, that the rest of the world didn't say, oh, wait, why are you playing? Why do you have a horse in a castle? And we have the little discs. What kind of chess were they playing?

[A]

He's playing three dimensional chess, four dimensional chess, playing 5D chess.

[B]

That's the chess where the seats move and they spray water at you. I'm sorry, analyst Dean Cain. Could you expand on that?

[A]

President Trump is playing 5D chess. The dominoes are slowly just falling and toppling.

[B]

What game is he playing? Is it chess? He's playing chess. And then the dominoes. He's at checkers, ordering dominoes. The point is, I'm hungry. And while the world played Jenga, Donald Trump is playing Hungry hungry hippos. Whatever the analogy is, because of Trump's brilliant interdimensional Jedi mind, he basically got everything he wanted from Iran.

[D]

Iran has removed or is removing all of the sea mines. No money will exchange hands in any way, shape or form. They will never have a nuclear weapon. The USA will get all nuclear dust.

[B]

The nuclear dust. Does that mean we also get the nuclear dust bunnies? It's so adorable how they beg for death. But look, the enriched uranium was a huge part of this war. And the fact that Iran has agreed to transfer all of its enriched uranium to the United States. It's a win. The Iranian Foreign Ministry says Iran's enriched uranium is not going to be transferred

[A]

anywhere under any circumstances.

[B]

Guess checkers is a tougher game than I thought. All right, so there's still a couple of fine details to work out on the nuclear aspect, but the truth is, we only fought this war to get Iran to open the Strait of Hormuz that they closed when we started this war. But let's keep the main thing. The main thing.

[D]

Iran has just announced that the Strait of Hormuz is fully open and ready for business and full passage.

[B]

Yeah, that news is ibogaine to my ears. Could Biden have done that? No, because as I said earlier, the strait was already open. But you heard it straight from the president. He declared the Strait of Hormuz is open.

[A]

Iran declared the Strait of Hormuz closed.

[B]

Oh, boy. All right. Iran is directly contradicting President Trump, and he's not going to like that.

[C]

On Truth Social, he wrote the the United States is going to knock out every single power plant, every single bridge in iran. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

[B]

Civilian infrastructure gone. No more Mr. Nice guy. Say hello to Senor War Crime. Pew, Pew, pew, pew. Sorry, Zara. The audience seems to be split between old people and younger people.

[A]

I think that's very clear what's happening here.

[B]

Now, you might be thinking to yourself, how did this happen? How did the certainty of total resolution that Trump announced morph into the uncertainty of total annihilation that Trump announced in less time than it took Carol G. To own Coachella.

[A]

Cool, dad.

[B]

Hey, who wants an edible. Multivitamin, Inedible multivitamin. See, what the naysayers don't understand about Trump is that what appears to the outside observer as chaos is actually the 5D focused stratagems of a master negotiator. This is the art of the deal. You know, we never got to see Henry Ford assemble a car or Thomas Edison put the first filament into a light bulb, or Malcolm Onlyfans reveal his bare foot in the town square. But thanks to God, the Iran war has given us all an opportunity. This is history. To witness in real time Donald Trump apply the sacred principles of the art of the deal. Let's begin. Just a few weeks back, when Donald Trump and his bombing buddy Bibi launched fierce military strikes on Iran in the middle of a negotiation, setting the stage for Art of the deal. Step one, state your demands.

[C]

The President declaring in a Truth Social post there will be no deal with Iran except unconditional surrender.

[D]

It's where they cry uncle. Or when they can't fight any longer, there's nobody around to cry uncle.

[B]

Uncle. They cry uncle. I believe the president may be confusing war with tickle fighting, but the point is sacred. I remember when Lee cried uncle at Appomattox. But you always start every negotiation by demanding everything, which sets you up for step two, Art of the deal. The consequences of not acceding to step

[D]

one, we're going to hit them extremely hard over the next two to three weeks. We're going to bring them back to. To the Stone Ages where they belong.

[B]

Yabba dabba. Ooh. Total surrender or total destruction. Game set. And I'm sorry.

[A]

Iran has shut down the Strait of Hormuz.

[B]

Counter move. Shutting down the Strait of Hormuz. Well, cry me a hor river. What's that gonna do?

[A]

The closure of the Strait of Hormuz, causing chaos to the global economy, disrupting the global supply.

[C]

Ch.

[A]

Causing gas and food prices to surge,

[C]

skyrocketing jet fuel costs, sending fertilizer prices soaring.

[A]

A global economic downturn that could ignite mass famine.

[B]

All right, mother. I didn't want to have to do this. All right, you want to go errone?

[A]

You want to do this?

[B]

Move like that might unbalance your run of the mill dealmaker. But the master has already prepared a step three.

[A]

The president wrote, open the f Straight, you crazy bastards, or you'll be living in hell.

[B]

That's right. The art of the deal. Step three is basically steps one and two, but with cursing. Your move, Iran.

[A]

Iran says the Strait of Hormuz is still closed.

[B]

I see what you did there. Your move is no move. Which brings us to step four.

[C]

Iran has agreed to open the straight of her moose.

[B]

Boom.

[A]

Mother.

[B]

Step four, Art of the deal. Just say it's open. Who's gonna check? Honestly, who's gonna. Who's gonna check if it's actually open? Even if you have a boat, what are you gonna do? You gonna drive all the way there? What are you gonna. You'd go to the Straight of Hormuz Yacht and Regatta Club? Get the out of here. You didn't even know what the straight of Hormuz was a month ago. Now you're a f. Cking expert on the straight hormones. As far as you know, it's open. It's open. Now, the next part's tricky, because at some point, even though you stated very clearly that the Strait of Hormuz is open, people are gonna realize it's not open. They're still not getting food or fuel. Which is fine, because this is where the art of the deal, where the fourth dimensional chess comes into play.

[C]

Breaking tonight, President Donald Trump saying the US Navy will start blockading, quote, any and all ships trying to enter or leave the Strait of Hormuz.

[B]

Hit him with the old razzle dazzle. You can't break up with me. I'm breaking up with. Now, at this point, haters might assume you've been winging it the whole time. And they might be getting hungry or much poorer or cold. And they might have questions like, hey, Trump, do you even have a plan? Well, the Art of the Deal says, don't fall for that.

[D]

I have the best plan of all. But I'm not gonna tell you what my plan is. I don't talk to people like you about that. I mean, who would answer a question like that? Why would I tell you a thing like that?

[B]

Step six, Art of the Deal. Don't tell anyone your plan. That would be the dumbest thing you could do. Which brings us to step seven. Call up a newsperson and tell them you're playing.

[C]

I just spoke with the President this morning. The President said if they do not sign the deal, the US Will blow up every power plant and more in Iran.

[B]

But telling one person your plan, that's still just 4D chess. Step 8 is 5D chess. Tell everyone you're playing.

[C]

I spoke to him on the phone this morning and told me several things.

[A]

President Trump today told me.

[C]

If Iran does not sign this deal,

[A]

the whole country is going to get blown up.

[C]

In our short phone call, the President told me the strikes have caused very great losses on their leadership. He also told me he doesn't think boots on the ground will be necessary.

[A]

He told me that they had agreed to talk. I just got off the phone with the President. And? And he called.

[B]

You see how bummed out Bret Baer was that he called him? Yeah, I talked to the President. He called me. I had the number blocked, but he got there. So now everybody's on the same page. It seems like you're moving towards a resolution in a crisp and linear fashion. Everybody knows the plan. All that's left to do is send over a high level negotiating team to work out the fine print and arrive at an enduring peace. You've got them right where you want them, where you hit them with. Step nine. Who's talking to what now?

[C]

The President saying he intends to send Vice President JD Vance to Pakistan for a second shot at peace talks today.

[A]

And an important clarification.

[B]

I just got off the phone with

[A]

President Trump yet again. He told me that Vice President Vance will not be leading the US Delegation.

[C]

But then, less than two hours later, I was told that Vice President Vance would again lead this delegation.

[B]

Vance on. So that's where we've arrived at with the Art of the Deal. Basically, it's a cycle. It's a cycle of demands and threats and premature declarations of victory that allows the negotiator enough wiggle room to at almost any point, claim that they've achieved exactly what they've set out to do, ultimately achieving a nuclear deal that will probably be worse than the nuclear deal Trump pulled our country out of with Iran to start a devastating war that has killed thousands of innocent Iranians, 13American soldiers, eroded our credibility as the leader of the free world, sabotaged the world economy, and will cost the American taxpayers, who knows, maybe trillions. And as that realization sinks into a population weary of your malignant narcissism and impulsivity, Trump hits him with step 10.

[D]

Cuban's gonna be next.

[B]

That's right, Mother. Step 10. Keep moving to outrun the darkness.

[C]

Tomorrow morning is knocking. Stock your fridge now. How about a creamy mocha frappuccino drink? Or a sweet vanilla smooth caramel maybe? Or white chocolate mocha? Whichever you choose, delicious coffee awaits. Find Starbucks Frappuccino drinks wherever you buy your groceries.

[A]

Let's begin with Cash Patel, FBI director and man who starts every day by looking in the mirror and saying, freeze.

[B]

Freeze. FBI. Freeze.

[A]

In his tenor as FBI director, he's almost solved dozens of cases. But this time, the case is about him. FBI Director Kash Patel is now suing for defamation over a bombshell new article. Sources told the magazine the Atlantic that Patel, quote, has alarmed colleagues with episodes of excessive drinking and unexplained absences.

[B]

He wants a quarter of a billion dollars in damages.

[A]

A quarter of a billion dollars? Hour Cash Patel excessive drinking? I can't imagine such a thing. I mean, yeah, he does always have the look of a drunk guy trying to convince you he's sober. But I've never seen him actually drink. Although, now that I think about it, there was that one time. Ah, yes, I remember my first 10,000th beer. I guess in retrospect, if a room full of 21 year old concussed hockey players thinks you're a good Hank, you probably shouldn't be in charge of the FBI. You probably shouldn't even be in charge of the rental skates at the rink, by the way. Fun fact, Cash was already in there drinking. He didn't even know the Olympics were happening. That's why he was so happy when the hockey team showed up. But so what? The guy parties when Team USA wins a gold medal that's not worth a quarter of a billion dollars. How bad are these accusations?

[C]

On multiple occasions in the past year, members of Patel's security detail had difficulty waking him because he was seemingly intoxicated at one point, the article claims, even prompting a request for SWAT style breaching equipment because the Director had been unreachable behind locked doors.

[A]

Okay, I mean, that sounds pretty bad. Look, I've been hungover, but I've never been so hungover they had to wake me up the same way they killed Bin Laden. What else you got? During Patel's tenure as FBI Director, the FBI has had to reschedule early meetings as a quote, result of his alcohol fueled nights, adding that Director Patel is often away or unreachable. The story also goes on to report Patel is a frequent guest of the Poodle Room at the Fontainebleau Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. Okay, it is a little weird that a man whose job is in Washington, D.C. also frequently goes to something called the Poodle Room in Las Vegas. But I'm sure the Poodle Room is a distinguished, respectable, hypoallergenic social club wherein people, important men, network and exchange ideas. Ah, so it's a Coke den. Ladies, ladies. If you want to get an STD on a circular waterbed, might I recommend meeting a gentleman at the Poodle Room? Imagine you're this guy at the Poodle Room just having a good time with your shirt unbuttoned all the way. And all of a sudden you're like, is that the FBI director throwing up on himself? And there's more in this article than just stories about Cash drinking. There's also stories about him being stupid and a little high strung. Back on April 10, Patel had trouble logging onto an internal computer system.

[C]

It was just a technical glitch, but Patel quickly became convinced he had been locked out and he panicked, frantically calling aides and allies to announce he had been fired by the White House.

[B]

Whoa, whoa.

[A]

Calm down, Cash. How paranoid are you if the moment you have trouble logging into your computer, you think you got fired?

[B]

Oh, no, they fired me.

[A]

Get me on a plane to China. I'm going to tell them all my secrets. I hate this country and everybody in it. Oh, wait, I just had the caps lock on.

[D]

Everything's cool.

[A]

God, I need a drink. But it is concerning that the guy who's supposed to be the country's top investigator can't crack the case of logging into his own computer. No wonder he's pissed off. What else does he have to say about this?

[C]

We are not going to take this laying down.

[A]

You want to attack my character?

[C]

Come at me. Bring it on.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. He's not going to take this laying down. Because then they'd have to get the SWAT team in to wake him up. Now, as a part of his lawsuit, Cash argues that under his leadership, the FBI has achieved historic law enforcement results, which, even if that were true, people can accomplish incredible things when they're drunk. If Tiger woods can successfully park in a ditch, then Cash Patel can be like, hey, go arrest some bad guys. Hell, I'm a little drunk right now. And I think we all agree I'm nailing it.

[B]

You see?

[A]

Moving on.

[B]

I'm really glad.

[A]

Really glad you responded that way. It would have been awkward otherwise. Moving on. Let's say hello to Labor Secretary Lori Chavez Darimer. She's one of the more obscure cabinet secretaries, but it's never too late to get to know her.

[C]

Lori Chavez Daremer has resigned.

[B]

Damn it.

[A]

Not you too, Laurie. It's always the ones you never heard of.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Secretary Lori has resigned over a scandal. And if you're wondering which scandal, the answer is yes.

[C]

Her departure comes amid multiple scandals and investigations, including drinking on the job, allegedly taking staff to a strip club, and using department resources for personal trips. Chavez Durimer is also accused of having an affair with a member of her security team.

[A]

What the hell was she going through her workplace anti harassment training? Like, challenge accepted. But taking your staff to strip clubs? Really? I can't think of a more inappropriate place for a government official to be spending their time. Well, maybe a strip club isn't so bad after all. But before you jackals in the media go tearing Lori down just because she knows how to party, don't forget this woman has a family. Have a little respect for what her husband is going through.

[C]

Her husband also in hot water. He was banned from the department's headquarters earlier this year after two women accused him of sexual misconduct.

[B]

What?

[A]

My boy was banned from his wife's office for sexual harassment. I've heard of men cheating while their wives were at work. I've never heard of a man cheating at his wife's work. This guy is unreal. And to do it all with resting. I'm gonna sniff your neck face. That's so impressive. Well, this cannot get worse for Lori. I can't imagine anything more embarrassing than your staff being sexually harassed at work by your husband. The New York Times reports that the secretary's husband, quote, exchanged text messages with young female staff members. As did her father.

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

Her dad. They're saying her dad is trying to tag team his daughter's staff with his son in law. Well, no wonder she's drinking at Work. You better not know. This must be a misunderstanding. In an April 2025 exchange, Richard Chavez wrote to a young female staff member, quote, hearing, you are in town, wishing you would let me know. I could have made some excuses to get out and show you around. Please keep this private. Don't worry, buddy. No one's ever gonna see this. Lori's probably like, God damn it, dad, now you know how to use your phone. This is creepy and disgusting and also such a classic parent text. Even when they're being perverts, they're like, well, it would have been nice for you to give me a heads up you're coming to town, but this is crazy. There's no way Lori knew about her husband and her dad, Right?

[B]

Right.

[C]

Some of the young women were instructed by the labor Secretary herself to, quote,

[B]

pay attention to her husband and father. Wow.

[A]

Wow. The labor secretary heard Cash Patel had a scandal and she's like, hold my beer and my wine and my stack of dollar bills and my dad's penis.

[C]

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[C]

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[A]

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[C]

Can you say disintegratively that you have not been intoxicated or absent during your tenure as FBI director?

[A]

I can say unequivocally that I never listen to the fake news mafia. Yeah, yeah. Damn, that's a real master class on talking shit like a middle schooler who's terrible at talking shit. Oh, oh.

[B]

You?

[A]

My mom. Well, I sucked. Your dad's dumbass. Yeah, clap for that. Clap for that. Also the fake news mafia. I appreciate that you tried to make us sound cool, but if the news were the mafia, it would be a lot more vague. Tonight at six, Let me tell you why. About the guy who's going down the place to do the thing. Okay, Capiche? Come on, Cash money. You gotta give me a better defense than that. Try again. This FBI director has been on the

[C]

job twice as many days as every director before me. What that means is I've taken half

[A]

as many days off as those before me. What that means is I've taken a third less vacation than those before me. Let me just check the math real quick. So we got twice as many days plus half as many. Over a third less. Yeah, I think he's wasted. But it's like. It just says boobs. I don't. But it's like. It's like my grandpa used to say, if you love your job and you're shit faced at it, you'll never work a day in your life. But let's move on to the big update on the war with Iran. Specifically, the update is that I have no idea what the is going on with the war in Iran. Nobody has had any idea since day one. Trump just started this war on us like a dog bringing us a dead bird. We don't even want this. Now we have to clean this up. And it doesn't help that everything he says about this war is immediately canceled out by the next thing he says about this war. It was only going to be four weeks, then six weeks, then eight to 10 weeks. He wanted unconditional surrender, then he wanted a nuclear deal, then he Wanted to open the Strait. Please, Mr. President, can you stop bullshitting us and just find an end to this war? President Trump just told the New York Post that Vice President J.D. vance and his delegation are in the air on the way to Pakistan for talks with the Iranians. Thank you. Yes, we must be nearing peace. I mean, Trump makes up a lot of bullshit, but if he says the Vice President is in the air, that definitely happened.

[C]

But that didn't happen. Vice President J.D. vance, who was preparing to fly to Islamabad, never left.

[A]

What? What? So he just made up? Look, I know everyone who knows J.D. vance is always wishing that he was on his way to another continent, but this is not the time to manifest it into being. The ceasefire expires today. Unless you're gonna extend it.

[C]

The President said it was highly unlikely he would extend the ceasefire.

[D]

I expect to be bombing.

[A]

Shit. Okay, so J.D. vance is not on a flight, and Trump is not extending the ceasefire. Okay, okay, I got it.

[C]

Late this afternoon, President Trump announced he was extending the ceasefire indefinitely.

[A]

Indefinitely.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

So hold on. No ceasefire to ceasefire. J.D. vance to. No, J.D. vance just has boobs again.

[B]

Jesus Christ. You know what?

[A]

Nice boobs. But you know what? At least the ceasefire is better than no ceasefire. It means that nobody's getting attacked or shot at, so, phew. Actually, this is a good thing. Hours after President Trump's ceasefire extension, Iran attacking vessels in the Strait of Hormuz. More ships fired upon and seized by Iranian forces. Iran unmistakably sending a message to President Trump.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

That's the shortest indefinite ceasefire I've ever seen. President Trump. Iran's navy is shooting at ships.

[D]

Iran's navy is gone.

[A]

Shut the up.

[B]

Just shut up. God, just shut up.

[A]

Jesus. Nothing you say means anything. In fact, you know what? Hold on. I know how to deal with this.

[D]

Never in the history of warfare has an enemy suffered.

[A]

Oh, my God, That is so much better. Everyone just enjoy this for a second. This blissful bullshit. Free silence. Oh, my God, I wish we could just tune him out in real life, but we can't. Because even though nothing he says matters, unfortunately, his actions do matter. So we have to pay attention. And right now, his actions, they're everything up.

[C]

AAA reports the price of a gallon of regular spiked 40% since the day before the war began. Last week, the International Energy Agency warned that Europe has only about six weeks of jet fuel supply left. That supply shock tied to the Strait of Hormuz is hitting fertilizer markets as well.

[A]

Fertilizer's going up. Do you understand how Bad it is when the price of shit is rising. I wish I knew about when I flushed a whole retirement account down the toilet. Now, maybe you don't fly or drive or eat, but sooner or later, the effects of this war are going to get you, possibly in ways you never saw coming.

[C]

The war with Iran is having a huge impact on the global condom supply. Condoms are made from petrochemicals. And the supply chain bottleneck is in. The Strait of Hormuz is forcing the world's top condom producer to raise prices by 20 to 30%.

[A]

Well, well, well. Looks like that Trojan I've had in my wallet since 2002 is finally going to get some action when I sell it on ebay. But a 30% spike in cotton price? This is a big deal. I mean, Jerome Powell of the Federal Reserve bank is already suggesting that people, quote, do more hand stuff. And remember, every day that the Strait of Hormuz remains closed, the global energy crisis only gets worse. Which is why today, Earth Day, I just want to give a big shout out to President Trump. Truly, because thanks to your war, the benefits of switching to renewable energy have never been clearer. Now we can all see the risks of anchoring the entire global economy to one narrow waterway in the Middle east that stays open or closed based on the impulses of a deranged ruler. No, not that one. There you go. Yeah, You want to know what the world would be like right now if we weren't held hostage by fossil fuels? Here's a little taste. Hey, did you hear that the Strait of Hormuz was closed? The Strait of Hormuz? Isn't that the waterway that has no effect on my life? Yep, that's the one. See you later. So, President Trump, thank you. Your thoughtless war is already spurring countries around the world to invest more in wind, solar, and all the other forms of energy that you would probably refer to as gay. Now, I don't think that was your plan when you started this war, because I'm pretty sure you didn't have a plan at all. But still, you have, by pure chance, helped the Earth. At this point, you're basically Captain Planet, except if there are any records of you spending time with younger women, they've probably been redacted by the doj. And look, look, we know by now that praise means nothing to you unless it's accompanied by a trophy. So allow me to present to you Donald Trump with the first ever Earth Day Award for being a reckless idiot who accidentally did something good. Congratulations, sir.

[C]

K Pop Demon Hunters. Haja. Boy's Breakfast Meal and Hunt Tricks Meal have just dropped at McDonald's. They're calling this a battle for the fans. What do you say to that, Rumi? It's not a battle. So glad the Saja Boys could take breakfast and give our meal the rest of the day.

[A]

It is an honor to share.

[C]

No, it's our honor.

[B]

It is our larger honor.

[C]

No, really, stop. You can really feel the respect in this battle. Pick a meal to pick a side.

[B]

Ba da ba ba ba. Participate in McDonald's while supplies last.

[A]

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[B]

Apply.

[A]

Learn more at Go Amex Graphite. All eyes are still on the Strait of Hormuz, which we can now all agree is the most important narrow waterway in the world. Look, no offense to the Panama Canal, but if I were you, I'd kill myself anyway. As part of Trump's efforts to pressure Iran to open the strait, the US Navy is blockading all Iranian ports along the coastline, which is a very complex, difficult task. But luckily, we've got the steady, stable leadership of US Navy Secretary John Phelan to get the job done.

[C]

US Navy Secretary John Phelan ousted from his position effective immediately what?

[A]

You're in the middle of a major naval operation and you're firing the guy whose job is to be in charge of major naval operations just because, what, he looks like a high school principal who's always asking the girls for hugs? How else are you going to say congrats on sophomore year? There must be a reason tensions between Phelan and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had been mounting. According to multiple sources familiar with the relationship, the approach Phelan was taking when it came to shooting appears to have been the main reason for the firing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, that makes sense. I can't tell you how many friends I've lost arguing about shipbuilding. It's actually kind of sad. Tim, Gary Todd, I know we haven't spoken since our big fight about whether a displacement hall is superior to a semi displacement hall, but I still think that a semi displacement offers better balance. But I wish it hadn't torn our friendship apart, especially since none of us were actually building a ship. Also, sorry for banging your wives. In retrospect, that was childish and uncalled for. I think that'll do it. But this firing isn't. Especially because we're losing all of the military expertise that I'm sure John Phelan had been bringing for the job for, I assume, years. Before taking the job just 13 months ago, Phelan was a Florida businessman and a major donor to President Trump's campaigns. He had never served in the military. Holy shit. That's it. They put a guy in charge of the US Navy because he's good at being rich? Secretary, six incoming torpedoes, Quick. Throw some money at him, I mean. But still, Trump hangs out with lots of rich people. There must have been something more about John Phelan that he liked. John Phelan is named on a flight manifest indicating that he flew on Jeffrey Epstein's private plane in March 2006. God damn, that plane was like a LinkedIn for creeps. Someone on there must have been like, yeah, I diddle kids, but only for the networking. So maybe it's not so bad that Hegseth isn't feeling feeling anymore. But who's taking the helm from him? Replacing him as acting head of the Navy will be Under Secretary Hung Kao, a combat veteran who ran unsuccessful campaigns for the House and Senate in Virginia.

[D]

This is a great gentleman. I love his name. Hung Cow. I love that name.

[A]

Okay, sure, I'm sure he loves that name now, but how long until Trump forgets Hungkow's name and starts trying to get close? Hey, the carrier's under attack. Where's Fat Dong? Huh? Anyone seen Chubby Wang? By the way, Hung Cow was my nickname in high school. That's right, ladies. I. I was well endowed and my farts caused climate change. Now, to be clear,

[B]

Kao does have

[A]

some things that you want in a Navy Secretary, like 20 years experience in the Navy. But in case you're worried that Trump accidentally hired someone normal, not so fast. For example, he seems very concerned about Christians being persecuted, even when it's a bit of a stretch. There's a place in Monterey, California called Lovers Point. The original name was Lovers of Christ Point, but now it's become they took out the Christ. It's Lovers Point. Oh, okay, that's very interesting. So that's actually just like Orlando originally was called Orland. Don't you love Jesus is changing it from Lovers of Christ Point to Lovers Point. That big of a deal. I mean, if they change it to Rim Job Lovers Point. Yeah, fine, that might send a signal. But they didn't. And that's why I have no interest in going. But. Sorry, I interrupted. You were talking about how all the Christians were driven out of Monterey, California. So what happened next? And it's really. Monterey is a very dark place now. Yeah, a lot of witchcraft and the Wiccan community has really taken over there and we can't let that happen in Virginia. Yeah, no, yeah, we can't let Virginia be taken over by witches also. So I have a follow up question. What the are you talking about? Why?

[B]

I mean,

[A]

why is everybody they appoint so crazy? Can they just find a normal person with a normal head on his shoulders who believes normal things? What kind of sailors does this guy even want to recruit when you're using a drag queen to recruit for the Navy? That's not the people we want. What we need is alpha males and alpha females. Alpha females. Right. So drag queens. Maybe he's right. Maybe he's right. Maybe we need alpha males who will beat the shit out of our enemies and alpha females who will mock their insecurities so precisely they'll never leave the house again. But what exactly will the alpha males and females do that others can't? What we need is alpha males and alpha females who are gonna rip out their own guts, eat them and ask for seconds. Those are young men and women that are gonna win wars. You want alpha males and females who eat their own ripped out guts? Maybe. I don't know what war is. I mean, I guess it might freak out the enemy if they see the alpha soldiers pulling out their own stomachs and eating them. But that's only gonna work once. Also, not to be nitpicky, but if you eat your own guts, where do they go? Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 11, 11:10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. Plus, this has been a Comedy Central podcast. Mom, can you tell me a story?

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[A]

Did she have to fight a dragon?

[C]

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[A]

Was it scary?

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