This Week's News | Jon on Trump's BS Iran Negotiations & Josh on ICE at Airports and Melania's Robot

Summary

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The Daily Show: Ears Edition

This Week's News | Jon on Trump's BS Iran Negotiations & Josh on ICE at Airports and Melania's Robot
Date: March 28, 2026
Host: Comedy Central News Team (Jordan Klepper, Trevor Noah, Michael Kosta, Roy Wood Jr.)

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Daily Show: Ears Edition delivers a sharp, satirical dive into the chaotic state of contemporary America under President Trump. The team dissects the administration's war with Iran, questionable diplomatic claims, domestic turbulence at U.S. airports, and surreal moments like Melania Trump's White House robot. Through biting commentary, the cast spotlights the absurdities and contradictions of the week’s political news, utilizing their signature blend of humor and critique.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Trump’s Iran “Negotiations” and War Escalation

Timestamps: 00:19–14:24, 20:09–34:24

• Chaos abroad and at home: Jordan Klepper sets the tone, describing the dizzying pace of headlines and Trump’s seeming detachment.
  “The dizzy and chaotic carnival ride that is Donald Trump's America continues to careen down Shitshow Hill.” (00:19, Jordan)

• Trump declares he’s negotiated with Iran to prevent escalation (03:43):

  • Trump’s claim of “in depth, detailed and constructive conversations” directly conflicts with Iran’s flat denial of any talks.
  • The team parodies Trump’s evasive details about who was involved in negotiations.
    • “Who did you talk to?” (07:15, Jordan)
    • “A top person.” (07:15, Michael [as Trump])
  • Absurdity of the “15 points of agreement” with Iran, all boiling down to redundant “no nuclear weapon” pledges.
    • “Like 15 or 15. God damn it. Why do we have to do this?” (09:53, Jordan)
  • Trump claims nuclear sites were permanently "obliterated," yet also says Iran could dig them up.
    • “To obliterate. To destroy. Completely leaving nothing behind. There's nothing in here about, well, we completely obliterated it. Unless they have shovels…” (12:25, Jordan)

• Who’s really in charge of the Strait of Hormuz?

  • Contradictory claims: Trump jokes the strait will be “jointly controlled…maybe me… me and the Ayatollah. Whoever the Ayatollah is.” (13:20–13:33) Cues a running gag about “bridge trolls” and oil riddles.

• Frustration with Trump’s dismissiveness:

  • “I hate how these questions of great importance and consequence to our country he handles with such shitty glibness. Maybe I'll run it. Aren't I a little stinker? I bombed Iran. Can't you just eat me up with a spoon?” (14:24, Jordan)

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2. Airport Turmoil: TSA Lines and ICE “Helpers”

Timestamps: 14:55–29:42

• Massive airport delays, TSA under strain

  • “Atlanta showing people lined up around midnight for flights leaving this morning.” (14:59, Trevor)
  • Absurd solutions emerge: The administration deploys ICE officers to assist TSA—despite lack of relevant training.
    • “You're telling me ICE agents are showing up to the airport and doing absolutely nothing? Well, then it's my honor to present the award for most improved agency.” (24:17, Trevor)
  • A broader satirical point about government knee-jerk reactions and the futility of “solution by adding random federal agencies.”
    • “No. Stop sending more agencies. You're not gonna make the security line shorter. You're just gonna make the star line longer. Who are you gonna send in next? Space Force? IRS? RFK Jun--I can't scan your suitcase, but you can watch me do push-ups in jeans.” (25:33, Trevor)

• Finger-pointing and GOP fan fiction:

  • Andy Barr (R) claims TSA agents blamed Democrats for the shutdown.
    • “And then she said to me, you're an American hero, Andy.... And we started to kiss, and she was very attractive, and we got to know each other. Then she had my baby.” (27:06, Trevor, parodying Barr)
  • The hosts highlight the actual blame—the shutdown lies with Trump, who rejected the bipartisan deal.
    • “We could have had TSA paid by the end of the week, but the President said, no deal.” (28:34, Michael)

• Voting and Voter ID “Priorities”

  • Trump’s demand for the Save America Act—specifically, strict voter ID—to end the shutdown.
    • “The most important thing we can have is what's called the Save America Act. Don't make any deal...unless you include voter id. And you have to be a citizen to vote. Mail in voting means mail in cheating. I call it Mail in cheating.” (29:08, Michael as Trump)

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3. War Fatigue: Mixed Messages, Military Recruitment, and Satire on Victory

Timestamps: 30:39–38:42

• Confusing status of the Iran war: Trump claims victory, Iran denies ceasefire

  • “This war has been won.” (32:44, Michael as Trump)
  • “Iran's state backed media now says Tehran will not accept a ceasefire … Iran will end the war when it decides.” (33:21, Jordan; 33:26, Trevor)
  • Even as Trump says “we’re bringing the troops home,” the Pentagon sends more troops to the region—heightening the farce.

• Desperation in military recruitment

  • Raised enlistment age to 42, push for anti-vaxxers, and dropping some standards to allow those with marijuana convictions.
    • “The US army making some changes to try and draw more recruits. The army just increased the maximum enlistment age to 42. That's up from 35.” (35:01, Roy)
    • “So you gave a deadline to reenlist and they didn't take it. And now you're still extending the deadline…” (36:36–37:26, Trevor)
    • “The army also changing some regulations to let people enlist without a waiver if they have a single conviction for possession of marijuana or drug paraphernalia.” (37:49, Roy)
  • Ongoing skepticism about the reality of "victory."
    • “Are we sure we won? It's not even a little close.” (35:10, Trevor)

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4. Melania’s White House Robot and Political Absurdity

Timestamps: 39:47–46:42

• Melania’s tech summit features a humanoid robot

  • “Humanoid robot figure 3 made its debut at the White House on Wednesday as part of First Lady Melania Trump’s Fostering the Future Together summit.” (45:15, Roy)
  • The team jokes about Trump’s absence from the White House and the awkward robot-human dynamic.
    • “She's walking out with that robot like they just got married. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time, Mr. And Mrs. Wally.” (45:24, Trevor)
    • “Robot, where are you going? Robot, come back. Don't go in that room. All our secrets are in that room.” (46:21, Jordan and Trevor)

• Notable quotes on the robot, White House, and more:

  • “Oh, damn. That robot's a lady. I think that's pretty cool, but I'm sure Siri's pissed you gave her legs. She just got here.” (46:42, Trevor)

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5. Bizarre Cast of Administration Figures & Side Notes

Timestamps: 39:47–45:15

• Kristi Noem’s resignation and replacement

  • Trump’s awkward remarks to Mark Wayne Mullen, the new DHS head, regarding Native ancestry.
    • “Let's see how it went as the only Native American. I didn't know that. Huh? Let me look at you. I think that's all right.” (40:30, Michael as Trump)
  • “Feels like racist T ball. Like, stay right there. Be still. I'm about to knock this out of the park.” (40:42, Trevor)

• Dr. Oz, head of Medicare/Medicaid, promotes…walking

  • “Let's go, Chris. Diane, just join me. I love walking. It's a whole special joy. Makes you think a little clearer.... 20 minutes a day could save our country $100 billion.” (41:41, Jordan impersonating Dr. Oz)
  • The absurd suggestion that exercise fixes all government finance woes.
    • “No one exercises to improve the government's finances. Imagine if your peloton instructor was like, okay, five more minutes and Cash Patel can fly private to burning man.” (42:05, Trevor)

• RFK Jr.’s notorious hobbies

  • Parody of ever-bleaker revelations:
    • “Robert F. Kennedy Jr.… Wrote about cutting off the penis of a roadkilled raccoon while his kids waited patiently in the car so that he could examine it later.” (43:20, Jordan)
  • “What is wrong with this man? He cut off a raccoon's penis and saved it for later like some kind of raccoon dick push pop.” (43:37, Trevor)

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Memorable Quotes & Comedy Highlights

• On Trump’s disengagement:
  “The less fun we're all having, the better he seems to be doing. Does he run on our misery?” (01:45, Jordan)

• On 'negotiations' with Iran:
  “A top person.”—Michael (07:15) | “A top person or the top person? The article really makes a huge difference…” (07:22, Jordan)

• On ICE at airports: “Sending [ICE] to the airport can be like an after school program for them. You know, I know they're just standing around, but it's keeping them off the streets.” (24:17, Trevor)

• On the endless shutdown blame game: “Andy, I love you, Andy. And we started to kiss, and she was very attractive, and we got to know each other. Then she had my baby.” (27:06, Trevor, parodying Rep. Barr)

• On Melania’s robot: “I know this is supposed to be for some kind of technology event, but. But look at this video. She's walking out with that robot like they just got married.” (45:24, Trevor) “That robot's a lady. I think that's pretty cool, but I'm sure Siri's pissed you gave her legs. She just got here.” (46:42, Trevor)

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Noteworthy Moments & Timestamps

• Jon’s musical detour: “A little less conversation” (03:58)
• The running joke on “top guy” and “maybe me... me and the Ayatollah” (13:15–13:33)
• Parody of news metaphors with Tom Cruise movies and “haboobs” (31:24–31:58)
• Trevor’s riff on government priorities, shutdown, and voting (29:08–29:33)
• Melania’s robot event—a surreal coda for the episode (45:15–46:53)

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Summary Table of Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamp | |-----------------------------------------------|---------------| | Trump’s disengagement & Iran chaos | 00:19–14:24 | | Airport delays, ICE at airports | 14:55–29:42 | | GOP blame game, shutdown, voting priorities | 26:38–29:33 | | Iran war: Victory claims vs. reality | 30:39–38:42 | | Melania’s robot, Cabinet absurdities | 39:47–46:53 |

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Tone & Language

The episode is fast-paced, sharply satirical, and frequently veers into the absurd as the hosts lampoon the disconnect between official statements and reality. Jokes, pop-culture references, and biting parody dominate—making the content rich, sardonic, irreverent, and highly engaging.

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Useful Takeaway:
For listeners looking for clarity on the week’s genuinely chaotic events, this episode underscores the surreal nature of current American politics—where “top guys” are undefined, wars are both won and ongoing, and solutions (like putting ICE at airports) seem designed for comedy more than real impact. The Dail Show’s team delivers not only the headlines but the sheer head-spinning contradictions and ironies behind them.

Transcript

[Trevor Noah]

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[Jordan Klepper]

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[Trevor Noah]

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[Jordan Klepper]

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[Trevor Noah]

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[Jordan Klepper]

You're listening to Comedy Central. The dizzy and chaotic carnival ride that is Donald Trump's America continues to careen down Shitshow Hill. It's madness out there. TSA lines longer than your actual trip. Escalating threats in the Middle east. Planes driving into trucks. The only thing giving me joy is looking forward to this season of the Bachelorette. I mean, they've got a strong Mormon woman. She seems lovely. I hope that she finds. Hold on. No. But luckily, in everything that is going wrong in our country, our intrepid leader is utterly unbothered. The world disintegrates around him, largely due to his actions, yet he still managed to spend the weekend golfing a couple of times and partying at Mar a Lago.

[Michael Kosta]

I didn't know I was going to be here today. I am supposed to be prosecuting the war.

[Jordan Klepper]

You know, I really think that the less fun we're all having, the better he seems to be doing. Does he run on our misery? Does that make him stronger? Now, to be fair, that was the weekend, obviously. Today is Monday, the only day of the work week. It's time to focus and get down to the sobering business of wrapping up this war.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

President Trump now arriving at Graceland for a bit of a detour. On his stop, Elvis had two 8th degree black belts in karate. One was in kento, and that's what this place.

[Michael Kosta]

Was he really good or was it just.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Actually, he was really good. He started practicing.

[Michael Kosta]

Could I have taken him in a fight?

[Jordan Klepper]

Which Elvis are we talking about? 1950s Elvis. No. 1970s Elvis. Still no. It's unbelievable how disconnected Donald Trump is from the chaos that he himself is causing the American people. But I'm glad you could have a nice time golfing and visiting Graceland while we're all freaking the out.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

President Trump issues a deadline to open the Strait of Hormuz by Monday night, or he says he'll, quote, obliterate Iranian power plants.

[Trevor Noah]

Iran isn't blinking, saying if power plants are attacked, Iran will target the power

[Jordan Klepper]

plants of regional countries. This escalates every day. With no end in sight, the countdown

[Roy Wood Jr.]

ticks towards Monday night.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, Monday. We've got plenty of time to wait. If I'm here that Must mean. But lo and behold, today Trump removed the sword of Donald Cleese that he himself had hung over our heads.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

The president just posting moments ago, he has now decided to, quote, postpone any and all military strikes on Iranian power plants. The President claiming the US has been negotiating with Iran over the weekend, calling them in depth, detailed and constructive conversations.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, well, I guess we're all going to be have a little less action and a little more conversation. That's right, boys. Two, three, four, a little less conversation. That's all we get due to budget constraints, unfortunately. But you know what, take a step back. You know, it's a good news story, It's a sigh of relief for everybody. It's progress and we've got to celebrate the wins, you know, in this world. It's like our friend Punch. You remember our friend Punch? Yeah, I agree. We brought Punch up previously. Well, good news. Does Punch the monkey have a girlfriend? Punch has been spotted canoodling with a female monkey. There they are hugging and kissing and affectionately playing with each other. Fantastic. It's really nice. Although, hey, listen, girl, straight talk, I know what you're thinking, but girl, you can't fix him. Punch, seriously, if you're watching, I am happy for you, but little advice, prenup. You're a famous guy now and you don't want to end up splitting your fortune in half. I guess that's not quite half. But back to escalating. Tell God. Do I really have to? But back to Iran escalating tensions in the Middle East. I must applaud the President for stepping back from the cliff of escalation and engaging Iran in productive talks.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Iran has responded at state media saying there are no talks.

[Jordan Klepper]

Well, now we're in the uncomfortable position of who to believe. Normally in this situation, I think we'd all be inclined to in some measure not trust the pronouncements coming from this theocratic and corrupt regime. Iran. Talking about Iran, for clarity, I just want to. It's not Iran. We'd be inclined not to trust Iran. So let's give our President the benefit of the doubt and just probe a little deeper. Sir, you say we're having talks with Iran. Who did you talk to?

[Michael Kosta]

A top person.

[Jordan Klepper]

A top person or the top person? The article really makes a huge difference here. Like the guy or some guy, you

[Michael Kosta]

know, it's a little tough. They've wiped out, we've wiped out everybody.

[Jordan Klepper]

So a lower level guy who's been elevated to a higher echelon bottom who is now a top versatile, but Not. Not. Stop it or I will rip your stuffed monkey. So you're talking to a guy, but not the top guy? Not the Supreme Leader?

[Michael Kosta]

No, not the Supreme Leader, but the people that seem to be running it Again.

[Jordan Klepper]

Running it or seem to be running it? It's a big difference. Hey, where's our car? Oh, I gave it to the guy who seems to be the valet. He had a jacket. He was standing by the curb. Seemed like a top guy. And he did take the car. What made you think he was the top guy when you had the talks with him?

[Michael Kosta]

Mr. Witkoff and Mr. Kushner had them.

[Jordan Klepper]

So you didn't even talk to them. Your guys, who, quite frankly, don't seem like top guys, talk to their seemingly somewhat top guy. Are Jared and Steve sure this is even a real person that they're talking to? Out of curiosity, did the top Iranian guy ever ask for their Social Security numbers or target gift cards? Is their top guy's name by any chance? Ali Baba? Booie. Because it's sounding like maybe if you walk us through the details, it'll feel more real.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

You said there's many points of agreement with Iran right now.

[Michael Kosta]

Many?

[Roy Wood Jr.]

What?

[Michael Kosta]

Can you give us a many? Like, 15 points? 15 points?

[Jordan Klepper]

Like 15 or 15. God damn it. Why do we have to do this? What are we doing? Well, well, well. Looks like the creatine is working. I only eat meats and ferments. Seriously, like 15 or 15. Just. Just keep going. What's the first point?

[Michael Kosta]

Well, they're not gonna have a nuclear weapon. That's number one. That's number one. Two and three, it's.

[Jordan Klepper]

I want to believe this is real, but there's no way that your 15 point agreement, 1, 2, and 3 are no nuclear. First of all, that makes it a 13 point agreement just right off the bat. And there's no way you went to Iran and were like, all right, fish point, no nuclear weapons. And point number two? Same point number three. C point number two. That's what we're supposed to believe.

[Michael Kosta]

They will never have a nuclear weapon. They've agreed to that.

[Trevor Noah]

Look,

[Jordan Klepper]

Donald Trump is without a doubt one of the most prodigious liars this country has ever produced. He's our supreme misleader. But the chaos this very actual war is creating is making us question even his reality distorting powers. Let's step back into the Wayback Machine. All the way back. I don't know. June, when Israel and the United States first bombed Iran's nuclear program, we wiped

[Michael Kosta]

out the nuclear capability of Iran obliterated it. It was obliterated like nobody's ever seen before. I would say it's set back permanently. If that place is under rock, that place is demolished. They're never going to have nuclear.

[Jordan Klepper]

Never permanently obliterated. I'm sorry. Kaitlan Collins, you have a question?

[Roy Wood Jr.]

You obliterated their nuclear sites last summer with your strikes. Then how can you argue it was an imminent threat? Now.

[Michael Kosta]

Oh, we hit them so hard. We obliterated them. But. Obliterated them. But that doesn't mean with the right equipment, you can't dig down and go get it.

[Jordan Klepper]

Actually, I think it's exactly what it means. That's what. God damn it. It's so annoying. It's so unbelievably annoying. Here we go. To obliterate. To destroy. Completely leaving nothing behind. There's nothing in here about. Well, we completely obliterated it. Unless they have shovels. By the way, nuclear question to sign. Are they even opening the Strait of Hormuz? Isn't that what prompted your apocalyptic ultimatum in the first place?

[Michael Kosta]

That'll be opened very soon. If this works.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

How soon?

[Jordan Klepper]

And who's in control of it?

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Will Iran still be able to control

[Jordan Klepper]

the flow of oil?

[Michael Kosta]

Be jointly controlled by who? Maybe me.

[Jordan Klepper]

Maybe me.

[Michael Kosta]

Me and the Ayatollah. Whoever the Ayatollah is

[Jordan Klepper]

coming soon from Skydance, Paramount Brothers, Amazon, Comcast. Two bitter enemies put aside their differences and learn. And learn that oil's fair in love and war will opening a straight open their hearts. Premieres on Paramount++ divided by and has already been canceled. Jesus. What the. Oh, maybe I'll run it with the Ayatollah. Like two bridge trolls. Whoever wants to take oil to sea must answer me these riddles.

[Michael Kosta]

3.

[Jordan Klepper]

I hate. Here's what I hate. I hate how these questions of great importance and consequence to our country he handles with such shitty glibness. Maybe I'll run it. Aren't I a little stinker? I bombed Iran. Can't you just eat me up with a spoon? Meanwhile, here in America, we don't even need a war to degrade our own infrastructure. Our airports are collapsing all by themselves.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

The Fox News alert. Chaos erupting at America's airports.

[Trevor Noah]

Atlanta showing people lined up around midnight for flights leaving this morning.

[Jordan Klepper]

I've been here almost two hours.

[Trevor Noah]

Three and a half hours to get that. We might not make it.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

My flight is boarding right now. Oh, no.

[Jordan Klepper]

Way ahead of you kids. Oh, no. That should be. The left's new. Don't tread on me. Flag oh, no. American travelers are so stressed out. What incredibly uncontroversial American enforcement agency could we deploy to? Oh, you're way ahead of me. I believe the audience en masse just went, oh, no. What agency could we deploy to our airports? To ease passengers messenger's journey this morning, the Trump administration is now deploying ICE agents to help TSA officers. Oh, no. We're sending in ICE agents to calm the situation. It makes perfect sense. It's kind of like the way we calm our dogs during thunderstorms with a blanket fireworks. You're okay, Rusty Bruno. Not to worry. Our incredibly competent government knows exactly how these ICE agents can help alleviate these incredibly long TSA lines. Right. Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy. We have ICE agents who are trained

[Trevor Noah]

and can provide assistance to agents.

[Jordan Klepper]

They run those same type of security machines at the Southern.

[Trevor Noah]

Oh, great.

[Jordan Klepper]

Well, that'll be really helpful if it's true. Is it true? Guy in charge of ice? ICE isn't trained on X rays. And look at X rays, see if there's, you know, something dangerous in that luggage. Well, no kidding. And we're not going to be doing that. Ice isn't trained on X rays. No surprise. They don't really seem to be trained on anything actually. And by the way, who the honestly, Who the even thought it was a good idea to send America's most hair trigger agency into America's most hair raising environment?

[Roy Wood Jr.]

His idea was that the heist of

[Michael Kosta]

the airport, that was mine.

[Jordan Klepper]

What in God's name possessed you to do that?

[Michael Kosta]

That was like the paperclip. You know the story of the paperclip.

[Jordan Klepper]

How many more years of this shit? Go ahead.

[Michael Kosta]

182 years ago, a man discovered the paperclip. It was so simple. And everybody that looked at it say, why didn't I think of that? Ice was my idea.

[Jordan Klepper]

Right now in Iran, they're going, are we talking to a top guy? Because I don't think, I don't think this is a top guy. Yeah, we were talking about negotiating nuclear and then he just went off on paper clips. Why did I bomb Iran? Well, do you know the story of 2000 flushes blue? Well, for centuries, people shit in regular water. And then one day a guy said, what if it was blue? And that's why I bombed Iran. It's so stupid. Meanwhile, the rest of us suffer under Donald Trump's attention deficit style of government by whim. And as America and really the world has to helplessly navigate the turbulence that Trump causes his administration, I shit you not. This weekend had a message for all those who were suffering. I think that given what has been done to President Trump and his family, it is impossible for either of us to understand what he has been through. We should all have a little empathy for what has been done to him and his family. I think we have to offer the president grace. He needs grace. In fact, maybe let him live in a land of grace, Graceland, where he can live his life out asking the important questions.

[Michael Kosta]

Does Elvis get treated better than me?

[Jordan Klepper]

He's dead, sir.

[Trevor Noah]

Let's kick things off with an update in our war with Iran. It started about a month ago, and today President Trump spoke to the nation with some good news about the war.

[Michael Kosta]

They did something yesterday that was amazing, actually. They gave us a present, and the president arrived today, and it was a very big present worth a tremendous amount of money. And I'm not going to tell you what that president is, but it was a very significant prize.

[Trevor Noah]

Wait, you got a gift from the people you are currently at war with? When I was at school and they made us read the Odyssey, I couldn't believe the Trojans failed for that Trojan horse. And now I'm watching it happen in real time. The Secret Service is gonna be like, Mr. President, please don't bring that to the Situation Room. But it's expensive and it's ticking. I bet it's a. Meanwhile, the only gift the TSA is getting is no pay. The partial government shutdown means they've gone a whole month without a check. But why do we work if not to do it for free? I'm sure it's not gonna make a difference at the airport.

[Jordan Klepper]

Frustration is growing at many of the nation's airports with hours long security lines

[Trevor Noah]

that haven't let up. Over the weekend, more than 3,400 TSA officers called out nationwide, the most since

[Jordan Klepper]

this partial government shutdown began. I've been here since nine.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

It's just mass chaos.

[Trevor Noah]

A damn mess.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

It's a mess. It's a mess.

[Jordan Klepper]

For real, though.

[Trevor Noah]

Ain't no water, not a Biscoff cookie, nothing. A Biscoff cookie. The cookie they give you on a plane that you then throw on the floor and step on. I think you've been in line, so you're delirious. I've been here for hours. If only I could have something dry and crumbly in my mouth. You know, something that really goes down the throat like sandpaper and tastes like ass. What could be worse than waiting in line for four hours?

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Our next guest flight was at 10:45pm and he did everything right. He got to the Atlanta airport at least four hours early. But he says he didn't get through security until. Until 3:20 the next morning.

[Trevor Noah]

Nine hours. Someone waited in TSA for nine hours. You may not have starred in that line as a terrorist, but after nine

[Jordan Klepper]

hours,

[Trevor Noah]

This man waited in line for the length of a shift. That means he saw the TSA agent clock in from a distance. And right as he got to the, they clocked out in his face. By the time I get that pat down, it better be the best one I've ever had in my life. I'm talking full release. All right. If this is what flying is gonna be like from now on, you may as well go to the airport now, just in case you ever have a flight someday. But seeing how long the lines have gotten, Trump decided he had to do something. Now, the good news is that Trump sent in people to help tsa. The bad news is those people are ice. And yesterday they were sent to airports to start helping. So let's see what they've been doing.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

They appear to just sort of be hanging out, milling around, visiting with each other, unclear about what their mission is at the airport. Walking around the airport. Some are standing around in groups, talking amongst themselves. Some are walking in and out of security.

[Jordan Klepper]

They are not helping get people through the line themselves. They've been sitting next to TSA agents as people get checked in, but they're not doing the work of actually physically checking people in.

[Trevor Noah]

You're telling me ICE agents are showing up to the airport and doing absolutely nothing? Well, then it's my honor to present the award for most improved agency. You're not doing anything. And honestly, thank God, keep doing what you're not doing. Now, maybe this is the best possible scenario for ice. Sending them to the airport can be like an after school program for them. You know, I know they're just standing around, but it's keeping them off the streets. Look, it was always obvious that sending ICE into the airports wasn't gonna help. The problem is that TSA workers aren't getting paid, so they're quitting and calling out sick. Having other random federal agencies still not being TSA isn't going to fix that.

[Michael Kosta]

We would also bring out. If we don't have enough, we will bring out the National Guard, you know, where we need it to help out at the airport.

[Trevor Noah]

No. Stop sending more agencies. You're not gonna make the security line shorter. You're just gonna make the star line longer. Who are you gonna send in next? Space force? Irs? Rfk jun, I can't scan your suitcase, but you can watch me do push ups in jeans. Can I smell your neck? Clearly. Clearly, Trump isn't helping. But the question is, who is to blame for the shutdown in the first place? Well, according to a story from Republican Congressman Andy Barr, that definitely happened. It's the Democrats.

[Jordan Klepper]

I was going through TSA the other day, Maria, and a patriotic, wonderful TSA supervisory officer stopped me, and she told me that she had missed her second paycheck. And I said, I'm so sorry. That's so wrong that you missed your second paycheck. And she said, why are you apologizing? You voted for my paycheck. You voted repeatedly. Republicans have voted repeatedly for a paycheck. It's the Democrats who need to apologize to me.

[Trevor Noah]

And then she said to me, you're an American hero, Andy. Come use the special line we reserve for the most handsome of men. And I did. And as I was collecting my luggage, she said, andy, I love you, Andy. And we started to kiss, and she was very attractive, and we got to know each other. Then she had my baby. And then she said, you don't have to take care of this baby, Andy. You're too important. Plus, you have a flight to catch. Go save the country from the Democrats, who, again, are bad and evil and not as hot as you, Andy. Thank you.

[Jordan Klepper]

Thank you.

[Trevor Noah]

But while Andy Barr's fan fiction about this TSA adventure is obviously bullshit, it's more important to note that the underlying point he was making is also bullshit. Because even Senate Republicans admit this whole thing could have been over by now if not for one man.

[Jordan Klepper]

Senator Cruz and I came up with a plan.

[Trevor Noah]

Senator Thune submitted that to President Trump. As is his right, he said, no. No deals with the Democrats.

[Jordan Klepper]

We could have had TSA paid by

[Michael Kosta]

the end of the week, but the President said, no deal.

[Trevor Noah]

Donald Trump. Donald Trump said no deal. The dealmaker himself said, no deal. So, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You'll take gifts from a country we're at war with, but you won't make a deal with the Democrats to keep the government running? What if they offered you something really expensive, Donald? What is it that you want? What's so important that you'll keep us all waiting in security lines for a fortnight?

[Michael Kosta]

The most important thing we can have is what's called the Save America Act. Don't make any deal on anything unless you include voter id. And you have to be a citizen to vote. Mail in voting means mail in cheating. I call it Mail in cheating.

[Trevor Noah]

No, no, that's right. Trump does not believe in mail in cheating. All right? If you want to cheat, you do it in person.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Okay?

[Jordan Klepper]

But hey.

[Trevor Noah]

But, hey, hey. Trump is standing on principle. The man thinks voting by mail is an existential threat to democracy, full stop, period. President Donald Trump cast a mail in ballot in an upcoming Florida special election. Semicolon, asterisk, dollar sign number four, exclamation point. That's me cursing because Trump lies all the time. So, yes, you're gonna have to wait in line at TSA like it's a sneaker drop. Because voting, it's the kind of logical connection that makes perfect sense if your brains are made of Biscoff. The war in Iran is everywhere. It comes up in financial news because of its effect on oil. It comes up in celebrity news, like when chaperone's bodyguard made the ayatollah cry because he looked at her. And now the war is even creeping its way into the weather.

[Jordan Klepper]

Our eyes right now, weather wise, are in the Middle east because they have an unusual system that's developing. Going to be bringing heavy rain, possible tornadoes. They could be looking at some haboobs developing there.

[Trevor Noah]

Excuse me, Al, what did you just say? Haboo. Her boobs are developing. Al, be a professional, all right? Call them by their scientific name, habrestices. Am I the only one who doesn't know what he's talking about?

[Jordan Klepper]

And that's your latest weather, too, guys. Claire, I just learned something new. What exactly is happening? Haboob.

[Trevor Noah]

Thank you, Craig Melvin. Very brave to admit on live TV that you've never seen a haboob, let alone felt one. I'm right there with you, brother. All right, so what is it?

[Jordan Klepper]

It is a massive dust storm, if you remember Mission Impossible. Tom Cruise running, running after that storm. That's a haboo.

[Trevor Noah]

See, now I get what you're talking about. I would understand the news a lot more if they told me what Tom Cruise movie it pertains to. I need them on the news. Like, what America is doing here is like an impossible mission. Like Tom Cruise in the movie Magnolia. So now we all understand haboob means sandstorm. So you can keep your mind's eye of the gutter. And just so you know, after the haboob, there will be a bukkake of rain coming. These are all weather terms, but okay, aside from this dust storm developing into a voluptuous woman, how's the war going?

[Jordan Klepper]

President Trump in the Oval Office yesterday

[Trevor Noah]

said he's already won the War.

[Jordan Klepper]

Well, I think we're going to end it.

[Michael Kosta]

I can't tell you for sure. You know, I don't like to say this. We've won this. This war has been won.

[Trevor Noah]

You don't. You don't like to say you want a war. Isn't that why you fight a war? Be proud of yourself, Mr. President. You ended another war and this is the one that you started. Like, That's like double points, you know? But you heard the man. We won this war. I bet a rock. Iran's begging for a ceasefire right now.

[Jordan Klepper]

Breaking news. Iran's state backed media now says Tehran will not accept a ceasefire.

[Trevor Noah]

Iranian official's quote is that Iran will end the war when it decides to do so and when its own conditions are met.

[Jordan Klepper]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Trevor Noah]

You can't end the war. We ended the war. All right. You trying to start another war? Cause I'll fight you and then I'll stop fighting you when I feel like it. Cause the war is over. You heard the President. We want. We're bringing the troops home.

[Jordan Klepper]

More than 1,000 additional troops from the 82nd Airborne Division are heading to the Middle East.

[Trevor Noah]

They'll be joining thousands more Marines, sailors,

[Jordan Klepper]

and other American troops already on their way.

[Trevor Noah]

Oh, shit. We're sending more troops? That doesn't sound like the war is over. This is very confusing. Should I or shouldn't I go to Times Square in my sailor outfit to kiss random women? Mr. President, I thought we won.

[Michael Kosta]

We've won. Let me say we've won.

[Trevor Noah]

Of course we won. Those troops are obviously going there to help set up for the victory party. You know, you ever try to set up a bouncy castle with just 1,000 troops? Now that's an impossible mission, like Tom Cruise and Jerry Maguire. And besides, 1000 troops isn't even that many. It's actually the lowest thousands of troops you can have. If this war was really ramping up, the army would need a lot more people than that. You know, they'd probably be trying to get new recruits.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

The US army making some changes to try and draw more recruits. The army just increased the maximum enlistment age to 42. That's up from 35.

[Trevor Noah]

Oh, shit. We're letting 42 year old sign up for the military now? They're gonna have to change the name from Operation Epic Fury to Operation why Does My Back Hurt? I must have slept on it. Funny, because the likelihood of a 42 year old being great at war is like any person being great with nunchucks. Some people will be good but most are gonna hurt themselves immediately. Bruce Lee. Incredible. My uncle Concussion. Are we sure we won? It's not even a little close.

[Michael Kosta]

It's not a close battle. They're totally defeated.

[Trevor Noah]

I don't know what it is about you saying it a third time, but I believe you.

[Jordan Klepper]

All right?

[Trevor Noah]

We gotta be winning this war. You wouldn't lie now. Nonstop. You're the president.

[Jordan Klepper]

Hey, bro, look.

[Trevor Noah]

According to People magazine, and apparently the US military, 42 is the new 35.

[Jordan Klepper]

Right?

[Trevor Noah]

And that's probably all the soldiers were gonna need anyway.

[Jordan Klepper]

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced an extension to bring back service members who refused the COVID 19 vaccine.

[Trevor Noah]

We're extending this to make sure anybody that wants to take advantage of it has additional time to take advantage of it. Maybe you were waiting to see whether we meant it or not. We do. Oh, shit. That doesn't sound good when the Secretary of Defense is telling you I know you didn't want to take the COVID shot, but what about getting gunshot? So you gay a deadline to reenlist and they didn't take it. And now you're still extending the deadline to get them back. You were not the one with power. I've been through this entire thing before. My ex left me and I told her she'd be back in a week. And sure enough, a year later,

[Michael Kosta]

I

[Trevor Noah]

got a wedding invitation. So just to. The military is now trying to recruit middle aged people and anti vaxxers who don't even want to come back. As long as they're not trying to bring in anybody else. Maybe we're winning this war.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

The army also changing some regulations to let people enlist without a waiver if they have a single conviction for possession of marijuana or drug paraphernalia.

[Trevor Noah]

Okay, this is bad. This is bad. We've been at work and you're already down to stoners. This is like that Harold and Kumar movie Mission Impossible 4 Ghost Protocol. We must be desperate because I've never seen a pothead take a puff and then be like, I want to somebody up. I wouldn't even trust a stoner with any mission. Unless that mission is. You need to locate the Ayatollah and tell him the greatest movie ever is Interstellar.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

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[Jordan Klepper]

Why pay when you can/with TikTok, slash and free, you can cut prices down all the way to zero. Just download TikTok, search, slash free, pick items in TikTok, show, share the link and boom. Free items unlocked even with free shipping. So seriously, why pay, download TikTok and start slashing.

[Michael Kosta]

Now.

[Trevor Noah]

Let's kick things off with Homeland Security, which used to be led by Kristi Noem until she was asked to hand in her gun, her badge, and her keys to her plane. Even though Noem is gone, we're still finding out more about her time at DHS, including the $20,000 she spent on a horse rental for a TV ad, which is crazy. Horses don't even use money. What do they need 20 grand for? But now she's gone. And this week, President Trump officially swore in Noem's replacement, Oklahoma senator and most Oklahoma sounding man Mark Wayne Mullen.

[Michael Kosta]

Let's see how it went as the only Native American. I didn't know that. Huh? Let me look at you. I think that's all right.

[Trevor Noah]

Let me look at you. Let me look at you. Feels like racist T ball. Like, stay right there. Be still. I'm about to knock this out of the park. I mean, maybe Trump was just excited because he thinks Mark Wayne might be one of the Village People. But here's something I noticed. He spent all that time talking about Mark Wayne being the only Native American senator, and not once did he make an Elizabeth Warren Pocahontas joke. That never would have happened five years ago. Which means he's either getting less racist or he has dementia. He definitely has dementia. But let's move on to Dr. Oz, Trump's head of Medicare and Medicaid, and guy at the urinal next to you saying your pee should be clearer. He just came out with an important message about your head health.

[Jordan Klepper]

He's on the move. Let's go, Chris. Diane, just join me. I love walking. It's a whole special joy. Makes you think a little clearer. Get outside a little bit. Get your heart pumping. Turns out if you can walk just 20 minutes a day could save our country $100 billion in reduced health expenditures. That's why it's so important to create a little flash mob. Let's go, team.

[Trevor Noah]

This is what happens when you try of those Jennifer Hudson spirit tunnels, but you only have white people? Also, no one exercises to improve the government's finances. Imagine if your peloton instructor was like, okay, five more minutes and Cash Patel can fly private to burning man. But our. Are we really advertising walking? Isn't that like a basic biological activity? What's the next video in this series? Hi, I'm Dr. Oz. Have you tried shitting in a toilet? It could save us billions. But at least Dr. Oz is an actual doctor. You can't say the same for RFK Jr. He's our health. And also the man that looks like last year's Halloween pumpkin you forgot to throw out if you questioned his judgment after those stories came out about him taking home dead whales and dead bears. I have great news. There's a new animal you can add to the list.

[Jordan Klepper]

The New York Post reports that in a 2001 diary entry, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Wrote about cutting off the penis of a roadkilled raccoon while his kids waited patiently in the car so that he could examine it later.

[Trevor Noah]

What is wrong with this man? He cut off a raccoon's penis and saved it for later like some kind of raccoon dick push pop. And I know he put it right in his jeans pocket, too. Didn't even wrap it in a tissue or anything. Every time I hear about one of these RFK stories, they always mention that his kids were waiting patiently, which means RFK just doesn't know the difference between patience and whore. I'm sure all the hostages in a bank robbery are waiting patiently to go home. It must have been so traumatic for his kids. Any car trip with him could turn into a roadkill excursion at any moment. When he asks his kids if they want to go run errands with him, they must be like, can't you just beat us? I mean, use an extension cord like a regular dad? Regardless, you will never, and I mean never, beat RFK Jr. In a game of Never have I ever, you'd be sitting with them like, never have I ever eaten a raccoon's. I did it. I didn't even say what part yet. Doesn't matter. But let's move on to Donald Trump's third and definitely, probably final wife, Melania. She doesn't spend a lot of time with her husband these days, but. But don't worry. I'm sure she's doing normal, traditional first lady things.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Humanoid robot figure 3 made its debut at the White House on Wednesday as part of First Lady Melania Trump's Fostering the Future Together summit.

[Trevor Noah]

Wow. I don't know if he's been eating better, but Donald Trump looks great. Look, I know this is supposed to be for some kind of technology event, but. But look at this video. She's walking out with that robot like they just got married. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time, Mr. And Mrs. Wally. And by the way, I like how Melania is flexing on that robot with her walk, like she's got a whole Runway walk going while that robot is just doing the Biden shuffle. But anyway, after that weird entrance, it was time to get down to business. So Melania let the robot approach the table and take a seat so they could Wait. Robot, where are you going?

[Jordan Klepper]

Robot, come back.

[Trevor Noah]

Don't go in that room. All our secrets are in that room. But the robot. The robot eventually found its way back to the front of the room, and it was time to see what this Terminator had to say.

[Roy Wood Jr.]

Thank you, First Lady Melania Trump for

[Jordan Klepper]

inviting me to the White House.

[Trevor Noah]

Oh, damn.

[Michael Kosta]

That.

[Trevor Noah]

That robot's a lady. I think that's pretty cool, but I'm. I'm sure Siri's pissed you gave her legs. She just got here.

[Jordan Klepper]

Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast you universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. Plus, this has been a Comedy Central podcast.