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The Daily Show: Ears Edition
This Week's News | Jon Stewart and Michael Kosta on Trump's WTF War with Iran
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Listen to Kenya Barris new laugh out loud Audible original comedy Big Age starring Jennifer Lewis, Cedric the Entertainer and Niecy Nash Betts. Big Age does funny things. Go to audible.com bigageseries to start listening today. At VRBO, we understand that even the best of plans sometimes need a little support. So we plan for the plot twists. Every booking is automatically backed by our VRBO Care guarantee, giving you confidence from the very start. Whenever you need help, it's ready before your stay through the moments in between and after your trip. Because a great trip starts with peace of mind and maybe a good playlist, but we've got the peace of mind part covered. You're listening to Comedy Central. Early Saturday morning, America and Israel launched a surprise war against Iran. I caught a surprise war because here's what one of the mediators said after negotiations on Friday. I am confident and in my assessment of the way the talks are going, the peace deal is within our reach. The peace deal is within our reach. But it turns out the bombshit button was much closer. The devastating effects of a regional war have made everyone very nervous and one person very happy. This enables us to do what I have long hoped to do for 40 years, what I've had four decades of regime change. Blue balls. But of course, the announcement that our nation is at war is the most solemn moment of any president's tenure and an opportunity to reassure an anxious nation and to reaffirm the righteousness of the cause. A short time ago, the United States military began major combat operations in Iran. Yeah, I'm sorry, can I just jump in here real quick? This is how we're doing this. 2:00am Mar a Lago basement, no lighting. You don't even have one of those influencer halo things. Just go down in the basement. And this is what we're wearing. Blazer, no tie, shirt unbuttoned, looking more like the father of the bride settling up with the caterer. Is that what we're doing? And not to nitpick, obviously, but baseball hat. We're going with a baseball hat for a war of choice. Oh, I'm gonna go down and make my war announcement. Don't forget the hat I got you at the airport souvenir store. It's bigger than your head. Put it on. It goes great in the dark. Jesus, man, you had all the options. It's a war of choice. You could have done this at the White House in a suit in the I killed Bin Laden hallway. But no, you decided to go with vacation house trucker hat guy who was about to make an announcement at his club's member member tournament. It's classy. Reminds me of FDR's day. That will live in infamy. Speec. We have nothing to fear but glare in my eyes. But at the very least, we should at least be thankful that the hat is on. Forwards. We're taking our nation to war. Waza. Sorry. I'll give you a mulligan. Come back tomorrow, dress for the war you want. And then you can give us perhaps a more sober launching of this incredibly consequential moment. The United States and its partners have launched Operation Epic Fury. I'm going to jump in right there, please. Epic Fury. Is this a war or did the Paul brothers launch another energy drink? Stop letting the millennials name shit. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I got off track. How did Operation Epic Fury start? This morning, the US and Israel launching a major wide scale daytime attack on Iran. Smoke seen rising near government offices and Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei's residence. Ooh, that's gotta rattle Khamenei. Although Khamenei's gotta be on high alert. I mean, I doubt he's anywhere near a location that obvious, given the advanced surveillance he's been under from American and Israeli intelligence. This is the moment that officials say the 86 year old Ayatollah was killed and he stayed in his house. Old people are so stubborn. It's like, ah, they really are like. You cannot tell them anything. Sir, please, you are in danger here. I'm not leaving. This is my house. I didn't ask you to stay. You can go. I'm staying. What are they gonna do, That guy anyway? By the way, There he was martyred at 86. Man, are the virgins gonna be disappointed. I'm sorry, am I going too hard on hominy murderous dictator like don't make fun of his erectile dysfunction. That's a bridge too far, Stuart. Guy mowed down his own people. But you know, Viagra's a serious drug. No. America apparently had to start an entire war to kill an 86 year old man in in ill health and not wait, I don't know, three weeks to let saturated fat do its thing. But just so you know, Israel and America made their move and now Iran will make their move. Iran is widening the scope of its response this morning. Neighbors across the region dragged into the chaos. Attacks at multiple bases, including those in Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Jordan and Qatar, Kuwait, Bahrain, the United Arab Emirates, basically the whole of the Gulf. For the first time aiming at Cyprus. What? Cyprus? I don't even know where that is. Is Cyprus even on that risk board? I don't even think it's around there. So wait a minute, wait a minute, let me get this straight. America and Israel attack Iran and Iran's answer is to just attack everybody? You know, having been in a bar fight or two in my life, I'm pretty sure the worst thing you can do during a two on one beatdown is slap everyone else. Hey, hey. Not every part of me is getting punched. What are you doing? What are you doing? The interesting thing about this war, which just started, was that it was clearly a long time in the planning and yet the American people have heard very little that is consistent about the war's justification or ultimate aims. In fact, the normally loquacious President had an opportunity with the national press on Sunday night after flying back from Mar a Lago to the White House, where I'm sure he'd want to clarify the public's uncertainty and reassure us. President Trump tonight came home from the White House. He usually stops and talks to the press. He completely ignored us, instead stopped and admired some new statues that were being put into the Rose Garden. Come on, that's fake news. He's not a doddering Mr. Magoo having full on conversations with inanimate sculpted bronze. Mr. President, who do you want to lead her on? Unbelievable statutes you're seeing. Did you know the founders were 14ft tall and so smooth. By the way, if the President isn't being forthcoming in a time of war, it's not his power to declare war anyway. Where's Congress on this? The House is set to vote on the War Powers Resolution on Thursday. This coming Thursday, Thursday, Monday. Thursday. You're gonna vote Thursday. The war already happened. This is Trump's whole presidency. He does whatever the he wants, and then a few days later, Congress is like, excuse me, roll your window down. Excuse me. Excuse me, sir, roll. Excuse me. Excuse me, sir. You're not allowed to knock down the east wing without a permit from the homeowners association. We're gonna let it slide this time, but next time you will lose access to the clubhouse. I swear to God, the United States Congress is like male nipples. Why? Why do you exist? What do you do? Nothing. You do nothing. You just sit there waiting for angels to grab you when we die. I can't think of anything more dismissive and arrogant than this president not directly addressing the American people and explaining this war more thoroughly. Well, good morning. This is not a so called regime change war, but the regime sure did change. Oh, for God's sakes. I stand corrected. Yes. Apparently the responsibility of articulating our nation's military strategy in Iran fell to Alpha Beta alum Pete Hegseth, whose humility and just the facts, ma' am approach made him the perfect vessel for this important task. We are not going to go into the exercise of what we will or will not do. We would never, in front of a press pool, lay out how long that may take. Here's exactly how far we'll go. Here's what we're willing to do and not do. It's foolishness. We're not dumb about it. Is there a concern of this spiraling into a longer war? And then one for the chairman when you're done. Did you not hear my remarks? Looks like somebody's been chugging a little too much epic fury. I know you're the Defense Secretary, but you don't need to get so defensive. President Trump put a four week timeline, please. I heard the question about four weeks. It's the typical NBC sort of gotcha type question. Typical gotcha. How long will the war last, sir? Zing. But of course, the basic gist of the briefing is that the United States will not tolerate a country that worships this kind of supreme leader. It took the 47th president, a fighter who always puts America first, to finally draw the line. It takes guts to actually enforce it. And our President has guts. There's no better communicator than our President. He has shown an ability to do that other presidents can't quite seem to have the aperture to do. You're right. Nobody's got the laser focus of. Let's go to the President at The White House today giving brief remarks about the war before a Medal of Honor ceremony. Right from the beginning, we projected four to five weeks, but we have capability to go far longer than that. We'll do it. Whatever somebody said today, they said, oh, well, the President wants to do it really quickly. After that, he'll get bored. I don't get bored. Laser focused, you sure don't get bored. You're not some three year old that gets easily distracted by something shiny on the wall. We have a lot of great service members here with us, too, in this beautiful building. Isn't it beautiful? We're adding onto the building a little bit. We're improving the building. See that? Nice drape? I picked those drapes in my first term. I always liked gold, but I think we can save a lot of money. I just saved. I just saved curtains. But. And it will be. It'll be spectacular. It'll be the most beautiful ballroom. I believe it's because I built many a ballroom. I believe it's going to be the most beautiful ballroom anywhere in the world. I can't believe it. Our bombs are now smarter than our President, so. Well, Jesus. Little time anyway, back to the war. So will any congressional leaders be more forthcoming with the American people? Is anybody going to let the American people in on the plan here? Is there a plan? Does the President have a plan to guarantee that that happens? No. It's not his job or my job to do this. How many times do I have to tell you? Why are you trying to ruin my war? Why? I just started and I'm having such a. I bought a new suit and shiny shoes. The kind to put a nickel in for good luck in my. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some celebrity canapes and a lime Ricky with my name on it. Good day. I said good day. This is Trump's America. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but even regimes I disagreed with respected the American people enough or felt some obligation to at least lie to us in primetime. Did anybody get filled in on this? An Israeli military official I spoke to told me that there were thousands of hours of planning between us and Israeli military officials today. Oh, anything for the bombing, buddy. Bibi, you told Israel more than you told us. But like giving a hand job on your birthright trip. It was a secret that stayed in Israel. Yeah, yeah, they did it. They know. On the bus. Under the blanket. They know. But all this parsing is meaningless in the first place. We can expose their hypocrisy and contradictions and arrogance till we're blue in the Congress. The right doesn't care. They supported Trump for a very particular reason. A vote for Kamala Harris is a vote for war. A vote for Donald Trump is a vote for a man who wants to end wars. The president has a commitment to peace, frankly, unlike anything we have seen. He is the great dealmaker, the art of the deal. He can negotiate the end of wars around the world. He is America's dealmaker in chief. He leads from a position of securing peace through strength. That's why they voted for him. The doctrine peace through strength. And now they support Trump for a very different reason. The president's not afraid to take action with hard power when necessary. We have a president that has finally shown the strength and boldness that is needed. The Iranian government found out what the Trump doctrine is all about, and that is mess around and find out Donald Trump has the guts, the balls and the vision to do things that nobody else will do. I'm going to leave the balls thing alone for now. But how quickly the right has gone from peace through strength to peace through war. And we're all just along for the ride in a war with no clear purpose, no end in sight. It's all just at the whims of Donald Trump. You know. You know what I need right now? My comfort monkey. I need my comfort monkey. It actually works. I went after poor Punch pretty hard last week, said some things, but I get it now. This does help a lot. By the way. It was crazy. They were sold out and this might get me in a little bit of trouble. I had to go to Ichikawa and take this from Punch. Did you know you can save up to 70% on the best brands just by shopping? At from rebel.com we're talking about strollers, car seats, high chairs, espresso machines, cooking, cookware, everything you need for way less. Here's how it works. Every single day, Rebbl drops thousands of new products on the site for up to 70% off. It is a constant stream of endless deals from top brands like Uppababy, Nuna, Baby bjorn, Breville, Nespresso, KitchenAid, Le Creuset, and more. But you have to act fast because every deal is one of a kind. So if you see something you love, make sure you add to cart fast. So stop paying full price when you don't have to. Whether it's baby gear, kitchen upgrades, or a treasure for your home you didn't know you needed. Rebel has it for way less. Up to 70% less. Shop from rebel.com and save big. We are now four days into this war and it's going great. It's definitely not expanding into an ever widening regional conflict that puts Americans in immediate danger overnight. The State Department issuing its strongest warning yet, urging US Nationals to depart. Now the State Department advising Americans to evacuate from 14 countries covering most of the Middle East. Things are escalating fast. Americans now have to evacuate from Saudi Arabia, Qatar and several other countries where Louis CK does stand up. Of course, the problem with evacuating from a war zone is that all the Air Force airports are closed. And I'm sure our government planned for this. US Ambassador to Israel, Mike Huckabee. Help us out. Tell the stranded Americans how to get home. The Israeli Ministry of Tourism is providing bus service from several locations. I'm sorry, you want us to take a bus out of a war zone? In the movies, there's a chopper outside and a Navy SEAL comes down on a rope. And he pulls you on board and he says, you're gonna make it in time for your daughter's birthday. But you're sitting there telling me it's fine. Take the Greyhound. There's no wi fi and the bathroom works as long as you don't poop in it. By the way, is this the official ambassador outfit these days? He looks like the guy who sits outside of a gas station and gives you directions to someplace in the woods where he can kill you. But you know what? I'm sure that mass evacuations aside, the rest of the war is going great. Breaking news. U.S. central Command says three fighter jets were shot down by friendly fire from Kuwaiti forces. Sengkhan says all six crew members aboard the jets ejected were safely recovered and are in stable condition. Okay, now, I know it's not great that our allies shot our planes down. But the good news is that they were probably using the missiles we. So at least we know they work. By the way, can we come up with a new name for friendly fire? Shooting your friend's plane down seems like the least friendly thing you could do. Imagine you find your best friend banging your spouse, and he's like, relax. Just a little friendly penetration. But you know what? The pilots are, okay, we'll just buy some new planes. What do they cost? We should note that the estimates of costs on these F15 Strike Eagle jets range from anywhere from $30 million per unit all the way up to $100 million. Up to $100 million each. You may have lost $300 million in one friendly penetration incident. I mean, look, I live in New York. So I am used to seeing obscene amounts of money wasted on jets, but still, 300 million. 300 million is crazy. But on the other hand, if we watch the video in reverse, I just saved us $300 million. So not bad for the old Costa. And the most upsetting thing about this is that it's all happening under a president who promised that this wasn't going to happen. I'm not going to start a war. I'm going to stop wars. No new wars. We don't need the wars. My personality is going to keep. I am the candidate of peace. I am peace. I will stop the chaos in the Middle East. Well, well, well. Looks like we caught Donald Trump in a lie. That ought to do it for his presidency, huh? Not bad for the old Costa. You're welcome, America. All right, so to Trump supporters, I'm sorry, but you have to admit he's gone back on his promise by starting a new war. This isn't a war. We haven't declared war on Iran. I don't know if this is technically a war. Strategic strikes are not war. Nobody should classify this as war. It is combat operations. Sure, sure. It's a strategic combat operations, guys. You can call it whatever you want. We all know it's a war. This reminds me of how my Aunt Trudy, she used to bring her so called roommate to Thanksgiving every year. We all knew they weren't roommates. They were soul and they were scissoring. The war with Iran is just like my two gay aunts shown here. Exactly how they look. By the way, this all seems a little familiar. Where else have I recently heard such a pathetic attempt to not call a war a war? Russian forces began hitting targets in Ukraine overnight. Russian President Vladimir Putin announced what he called a special military operation. He refused to call it a war. Ah, great. Always good for the country to have the same messaging strategy as Vladimir Putin. We don't need Trump copying more shit. Putin does. It's a slippery slope that could lead to the worst possible scenario. Trump going shirtless. And. I know they don't. They don't want to admit it's a war because that would require Congress's approval and directly contradict President Trump's promises. But they're also so desperate not to call it a war that one conservative newscaster is arguing with his own graphics package. All right, war with Iran. Maybe it's war in Iran. War. War from Iran. War. War via Iran. What if we combine them? War ran. Is that anything? Look, call whatever you want. A war. A combat operation. International Fight Club. How long is this thing going to take? This is not an endless war. This is not endless. The President doesn't believe in endless wars. This is no forever war. As Trump critics keep complaining. Yeah, okay, but that's not as comforting as you think it is. Don't worry, everyone. This war will last a number below infinity years, but okay, fine. At least we know this war won't be fought forever. Breaking overnight, President Trump touting that the US Has a virtually unlimited supply of weapons. The President posting on Truth Social. In part, wars can be fought forever. Great news, everyone. Now the war never has to end. I guess I'm happy for Trump that we have unlimited weapons, but it's worth considering what all these weapons cost and whether we could be better spending that money on something else here at home. I mean, we lost hundreds of millions of dollars in a single friendly fire incident, and some estimates say that the entire war could cost over $200 billion. Yet here in America, people don't have health care. Our infrastructure is crumbling. My local library is only open two days a week, which means for five days a week, I have to masturbate at home. It's shameful. If there was only some image that could symbolize the confidence I have in our country's elected leaders right now. Yep. Yep, that's it. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Last year, I went through many different life changes. I needed to take a pause and examine how I was feeling in the inside to better show up for the ones who need me to be my best version of myself. When you're navigating life's changes, Talkspace can help. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatry providers that you can access anytime, anywhere. Living a busy life, navigating a long distance relationship, becoming a first stepfather, Talkspace made all of those journeys possible. I could speak with my therapist in the office. I could speak to my therapist in the comfort of my home. I was never alone. Talkspace works with most major insurers and most insured members have a $0 copay. No insurance, no problem. Now get $80 off your first month with promo code space80 when you go to talkspace.com match with a licensed therapist today at talkspace.com save $80 with code space80@talkspace.com we're now five days into our war with Iran and things are looking just a little bit dicey. No one's plan for the war or even a clear reason why we started it. And apparently America's military is even at risk of running out of weapons, which is one problem I never thought America would have. I thought we had an unlimited stockpile of those, like, spinoffs of Yellowstone. Oh, by the way, tune in to Paramount for the world premiere of Yellowstone in Space. But despite all those problems, the good news is Donald Trump is in charge. And I'm sure he's diligently thought through all of the wartime scenarios. What's the worst case scenario that you have planned for in Iran? Well, I don't know if there's a worst case. I guess the worst case would be we do this and then somebody takes over who's as bad as the previous person. Right. That could happen. Yeah. Yeah, no shit. You're just thinking about this now? I do six months of research before I buy a new shampoo. Trump's like, I just realized starting a war in the Middle east could have some downsides. Huh. Also, it's a little disturbing that he says it as casually as when you realize you've never seen a bird's penis before. Do they even have them? But Trump's right. You don't want a new leader who is just as bad as the old one. So I'm sure the administration has a deep bench of candidates ready to step up. Right? Right. President Trump said some Iranian officials his administration was hoping could take over have been killed in the war. Well, most of the people we had in mind are dead. So, you know, we had some in mind from that group that is dead. And now we have another group. They may be dead also. Okay, well, the good thing is there's a third group. Oh, what's that? They're dead also. And the fourth group's dead. And the fifth group's dead. They're all dead. I cannot believe this. You killed all the candidates? Even the ones who were willing to accept a lower salary because they appreciated the people potential for long term career growth. Now, if I was Iran, I'd do what my middle school did when my English teacher had a baby and just let a gym teacher be the Ayatollah for a little while. But apparently they have another plan. So who is running Iran? The late Ayatollah's son has reportedly emerged as a leading candidate. Boring. Come on, dude. You're not supposed to follow in your dad's footsteps. Where's your rebellious spirit? I don't want to be the supreme leader of Dad. I just want to dance. But, you know, the job has a lot of long term career growth, so I don't see A good reason why he wouldn't take it. Israel's Defense minister this morning said, anyone Iran appoints will be an unequivocal target for elimination. Damn. An unequivocal target for elimination. What a fancy way to say, we're gonna kill you. The Ayatollah sun is probably like, you know what? Now that I think about it, I'm not really a management type. I'm kind of more of a creative guy now. My asshole stepbrother, though, he's Ayatollah material for sure. You know what? The plan for succession is not going well. How about the war itself? And I don't need to hear from Donald Trump this time. Surely there must be a more sober voice in this administration. America is winning decisively, devastatingly, and without mercy. Iran cannot outlast us. We control their fate. They are toast, and they know it. This was never meant to be a fair fight, and it is not a fair fight. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, dude. Not a fair fight. That's not usually something you hear the good guys say. Which, remember, that's us, Right? Let's try again. And this time, avoid sounding so much like a bully. We are punching them while they're down. Which is exactly how it should be. Dude. What the. Dude, why does the Secretary of Defense sound like a cheesy movie villain? America is winning decisively, devastatingly, and without mercy. Mercy is for the weak. An enemy deserves no mercy. We control their fate. We will decide your fate. We are punching them while they're down. Always kick them when they're down. And President Trump got the last laugh. Looks like it's I who will have the last laugh. Fun fact that Evil Muffet also got his start as a weekend Fox and Friends host. But I guess Secretary Pete's bravado clears one thing up. This is very much a war. Which puts him at odds with what senators like Mark Wayne Mullen have been saying. This isn't a war. We haven't declared war. We are not at war with Iran. This isn't a war. This isn't a war with Iran. Yeah, not a war. I thought it was obviously a war since, you know, you've been speaking next to a map of all the places we're bombing in the war. Also all the. You know. And the. And the. And the. I don't know how it all works, okay? And I'm not the only one who's confused by this, because it seems like Mark Wayne is also getting confused. This is war. And we're taking out the Threat. And if you're part of the threat, then you have. You're a target. We'll concede. This is war. We haven't declared war. They declared war on us, Secretary. We haven't. Now, you said this is war. They called it war. What I was saying. Okay, well, that was a misspoke. Yeah. Did he say that was a misspoke? Hard to believe. The guy who said he did a misspoke did a misspoke. Now, I know it seems like Mark Wayne's contradicting himself, but what you gotta understand is that Mark thinks this is a war, but Wayne thinks it's not. It's just a constant battle. Yeah, how good is that, Mark Twain? So, yes, mark this down as a war, but weighing this down as not a war. Anyway, thank you. Anyway, with Republicans tripping all over their words, trying to sell this unpopular war adjacent conflict, it's the perfect opportunity for Democrats to come out with a clear anti war message. Ho, ho, ho. And here comes the truth. Hammer. Look, no one wants a nuclear war. No one wants a nuclear Israel. But we certainly don't want an endless war, plain and simple. What did I say? Nuclear Israel. Oh, no. Got it. Let me say that again. All right. Wow. If you're confused, just know that his full name is Chuck Wayne Schumer. Unlike in his first term, Donald Trump's Cabinet in his second term has been a model of stability. It's been an entire year and he hasn't fired a single cabinet member. Wow. I mean, with that level of consistency, you gotta imagine that the first one to finally get canned would have to be a real embarrassment, an absolute disappointment. Just a totally incompetent, unprofessional dipshitty. Breaking news into cnn. Kristi Noem is out as the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. Yes, yes. And now that she's gone, the Trump administration is going to be great. Wait, I tricked you. But that's right, you heard Trump. Christy, time to turn in your badge and your cowboy hat and your bigger cowboy hat and your flak jacket and your night vision goggles and your firefighter costume. Oh, and also your camel. What was your job again? Now, this firing comes right after she was called into Congress for a hearing about her many controversies. There was the handling of ice in Minnesota, accusations of corruption. There's also rumors she's been having an affair with her. Also, married Special Advisor Corey Lewandowski on a private jet with a bedroom in the back. But I mean, I'm sure members of Congress, they're not going to go there. Could you explain this, Sir? I'm looking at a picture of an interior. Looks like a bedroom of an airplane. Mm. Yes, sir. God damn. Can you imagine being confronted about your affair with a picture of the actual bed that's so big the cameraman had to zoom out? But. But don't play coy with us. U.S. congress. If you've got a question to ask Kristi Noem, just ask it. So, Secretary Noem, have you had sexual relations with Corey Lewandowski? Holy shit. Finally, one of these hearings is gonna get interesting. You know, normally it's just, blah, blah, blah, human rights violations, blah, blah, blah, concentration camps, blah, blah, blah. This is probably the first time Kristi Noem wanted to be like, lo siento, no habloing today. But, hey, here's your chance to put this whole Corey Lewandowski rumor to bed. Bad choice of words. Either way, Christy, set these people straight. I am shocked that we're going down and peddling tabloid garbage in this committee today in the federal government, as an advisor and has okay for you to be no authority. It is okay for you to be no authority, but it is also a real question. So what I would say is, and you should be able to answer what we do at the Department of Homeland Security clearly every single day and without any hesitation, every single day is, hey, hey, hey, hey. Let Kristi Noem finish. At least that's my advice to Corey Lewandowski. And by the way, I should point out that of all the words Noem said in there, none of them were in actual denial. Reminds me of the move I pulled in high school. Michael, did you poop in the urinal to even engage in such a question in a place of education, no less. Now, apparently, it wasn't even the affair that got her canned. If anything, the sex plane probably bought her a few weeks. You know, Trump was like, she's a huge embarrassment in every way except for that flying palace game. Recognized game. And don't worry too much about Christy. She's already got a new job that's every bit as important. The current secretary, Kristi Noem, will be moving to be special envoy for the Shield of the Americas, our new security initiative. And, ah, yes, yes, the special envoy for the Shield of the America's Western Hemisphere division. You know, it's a promotion when the job was just invented 6 minutes ago using refrigerator magnets. I can't wait to see what outfit she'll wear for that. But now that Noem's out at Homeland Security, who's replacing Her. You know what? I don't care who it is, just as long as it's someone with one first name. The President has named Oklahoma Senator Markwain Mullen to be the next DHS secretary. God damn it. Now, obviously, Mark Wayne Mullen can't be senator and a cabinet secretary at the same time. So the way it works is Mark will serve as Oklahoma Senator while Wayne and we'll run dhs. I turn and I turn. Good luck to Mark Wayne. And congrats to Corey Lewandowski. He now gets to bang Mark Wayne Mullen on that plane. Hey, man. Hey, man. I come with the plane, and so do you. This is a hot second, I'll tell you that much. Yeah, sex. Let's move on to Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. Health Secretary and piece of hard jerky you found under the seat of your car. He's in charge of the whole country's health, so let's hear the important things he's checking off his to do list. Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. Wants to restrict sugary beverages from both Dunkin' Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, and Starbucks. Show us the safety data that show that it's okay for a teenage girl. Drink an iced coffee with 115 grams of sugar in it. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Now you're calling for data. When it's the mocha Dunkachino, you want to see the research, but when it comes to vaccines, you're like, I'm not really feeling these things. But in an effort to appease, RFK Duncan has already introduced a. A protein forward health beverage that follows all of his maha guidelines, introducing the Beeficino. Mmm. Now that's grisly. Holy shit. Let's move on. Ah, let's move on to someone we hope is only starting their day with iced coffee. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth fighting an illegal war against Iran is his job, but he's still a Fox News host at heart. And that's why he's announcing a new wartime initiative. Changes are coming to Scouting America, formerly known as the Boy Scouts. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has criticized the Boy Scouts, calling recent changes, quote, woke culture. DEI crept in. The focus on God as the ruler of the universe was watered down to include openness to humanism and earth centered pagan religions. They even welcomed the destructive myth of gender fluidity and transgenderism to infiltrate their membership. Well, look, I can see why conservative scout leaders were upset about that. Hey, we signed up to molest biological boys, not these trans weirdos. Also, why is it that every time I think I have a handle on what conservatives are mad about, they slip in something new. Earth Centered Paganism. I don't even know what part I'm supposed to be angry about is that the paganism is centered on Earth instead of a different planet. But yeah, apparently the Secretary of Defense was upset enough that he threatened to end the military's hundred year history of providing support to the Scouts if they didn't get in line with his MAGA warrior ethos. And apparently mission accomplished. Scouting America has agreed to comply immediately with the provisions of Executive Order 14173. No more DEI 0, the citizen in Society merit badge that encouraged Scouts to explore diversity, equity, inclusion and identity. That badge has been I'm sorry, the Secretary of Defense. The Secretary of Defense is micromanaging which Boy Scout badges are too dei Is this why we don't have a plan for the war? I'll focus on the Middle east tomorrow. Right now I'm busy figuring out how to make neckerchiefs look manly. Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching the Daily Show Wherever you get your podcast, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. 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