This Week's News | Jon Stewart on Iran Updates & Klepper on Surging Gas Prices and Afroman's Triumph

Summary

The Daily Show: Ears Edition — “This Week’s News | Jon Stewart on Iran Updates & Klepper on Surging Gas Prices and Afroman’s Triumph”

Date: March 21, 2026
Host: Comedy Central (Jordan Klepper, Trevor Noah, and Jon Stewart)
Main Guests: Donald Trump (clips), Correspondents

Episode Overview

This episode tackles the most pressing headline of the week: the escalating war with Iran, its global economic fallout, debates within the U.S. political right, and a lighter story about rapper Afroman’s First Amendment courtroom victory. The Daily Show team, especially Jordan Klepper and Trevor Noah, use their signature satire and rapid-fire wit to break down the confusing military, political, and media landscape, dig into the intra-MAGA drama, and end on a comedically redemptive note.

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Major Segments & Key Insights

1. Iran Crisis: Strait of Hormuz & Global Fallout

Timestamps: [00:30]–[13:59]

• Jordan Klepper opens with a geography lesson about the Strait of Hormuz (“Kind of a lazy river for fossil fuels.” [00:34]), pointing out the American public’s lack of awareness until war breaks out.
• The segment mocks the U.S. attacking sites with “scrabble scores above 12,” lampooning the randomness of American foreign policy [01:14].
• Satirizes Iran's retaliation: closing the Strait of Hormuz, leading to skyrocketing oil prices and whispers of global recession.
  • “How dare Iran and their existential fight for existence inconvenience our commute?” — Klepper [02:25]
• General Dan Kaine (fictional) warned Trump Iran might close the strait; Trump expressed misplaced confidence they wouldn’t [02:59].
  • “By the way, my favorite part of that goes. He looks up at a solar eclipse three times. Uh, that hurts.” — Klepper mocking Trump’s prior behavior [03:11]
• Klepper emphasizes the absurdity of the administration’s messaging: “Show some guts, Captains. Sail the slowest moving vehicle through the most active war zone” [05:01]

Quotes

• Klepper: “America, we will bomb anywhere that has a scrabble score above 12.” [01:20]
• Trevor Noah: “The R word. This whole thing is the R word, all right. That’s not the R word I would use for the decision to attack Iran.” [02:25]

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2. Media & Messaging: Spin, Censorship & Confusion

Timestamps: [05:44]–[10:01]

• Satirizes the administration's desire to control news coverage — FCC chairman Brennan Carr threatens broadcast licenses over “fake news” [06:17].
  • “Networks have to learn. You better not lie and give misinformation about how this war is going. That’s Donald Trump’s job.” —Klepper [06:32]
• Trump administration proposes rebranding negative war headlines (“Iran increasingly desperate” instead of “Mideast war intensifies”) [07:20], lampooning governmental calls for positive coverage.
• Administration pushes conspiracy (“Did the United States bomb a girl’s elementary school? Based on what I’ve seen, that was done by Iran.” — Trump [06:48])
  • “He’s gonna lose his president license unless he moves to basic cable.” — Klepper [07:00]

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3. The “Trump Panel” & the Nature of the War: War? Excursion? Both?

Timestamps: [10:01]–[15:44]

• Klepper assembles a satirical “expert panel” of multiple Trumps (Trump, DJT, John Barron) to clarify the confusing rationale and goals of the war.
• Each Trump gives a different answer: excursion, war, both, or “an excursion that will keep us out of a war.”
• Memorable exchange:
  • Klepper: “Excursion in the streets, war in the sheets. Is that what I’m hearing?”
  • Trump: “Sounds good to me.” [11:10]
• On allies: Trump asserts “We don’t need anybody… everyone needs us,” followed by contradictory pleas for allied support [13:31].

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4. Political Debates & MAGA Infighting

Timestamps: [15:44]–[27:24]

• Trump encourages Iranian patriots to “seize the moment” but “Donny down in Palm Beach” doubts the practicality given state repression [15:05].
• Plays an old Trump clip criticizing Obama, then asks current Trump to respond — calling his past self “one of the dumbest… low IQ” [16:21].
• Polls show war unpopular even at the outset (usually wars start with higher approval). Trevor Noah quips, “They’re kind of like Apple TV shows. People are like, I don’t know what’s going on here, but for some reason, I’m on board.” [18:54]
• Speculation about which “former president” allegedly praised Trump’s Iran plan—Noah jokes maybe Trump was talking to a portrait [21:07].
• Administration infighting: National Counterterrorism Center chief resigns in protest, Trump dismisses him as “weak on security” [22:53].
• MAGA world internal feud: Pro- and anti-war factions engage in petty public battles, devolve into “micropenis” insults between Mark Levin and Megyn Kelly, escalated by Marjorie Taylor Greene [23:52]–[26:30].
  • “Feels like a bat at the Oxford Debate Club. Be it resolved, that dick be tiny now.” — Noah [24:20]
  • “Isn’t there anybody who can calm down? Marjorie Taylor Greene, you’re a respected member of MAGA. Perhaps you can bring some intellectual substance to this debate.” — Noah, deadpan sarcasm [26:21]

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5. Media Coverage: Speculative Gossip over Statesmanship

Timestamps: [27:24]–[29:22]

• Satirizes tabloid-like reporting: NY Post claims the new Ayatollah might be gay, reflecting media’s trivialization of world affairs.
  • “The new Ayatollah got his period in the driver’s ed car.” — Noah mocking next-level pettiness [27:38]
• Noah: “If we could just have the smallest amount [of dignity], it would still be bigger than Mark Levin’s penis.” [29:20]

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6. Oil Prices and the Economic Squeeze

Timestamps: [29:22]–[33:27]

• Comedy on inflation’s wide impact: “It may surprise you, but those tennis balls old people put on the bottom of their walkers come directly through the Strait of Hormuz.” — Noah [30:29]
• Trump and supporters try to claim “freedom is not free” as a justification for high gas prices:
  • “No, it’s not. I can handle the gas. People can handle the gas prices. We’re hardly ever called on to sacrifice anything anymore.” [31:15]
• Klepper interviews angry Americans, including a three-time Trump voter who now feels regret [33:22].

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7. Congress and Political Grudges: The Markwayne Mullin–Rand Paul Feud

Timestamps: [33:27]–[37:35]

• Recap of confirmation hearing drama for Trump’s Homeland Security pick, Markwayne Mullin.
• Rand Paul confronts him over public comments justifying the neighbor’s previous assault on Paul.
  • “If your co worker says I don’t support cannibalism, but I understand it...you’re not trying the shepherd’s pie they’re bringing to the potluck.” — Noah [36:23]
• Discussion veers into arcane (and incorrect) references to dueling being legal among senators, further lampooning congressional dysfunction.

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8. International Relations: “We Wanted Surprise”

Timestamps: [37:35]–[39:39]

• Trump’s rationale for not informing U.S. allies before attacking Iran: “Because we wanted surprise. Who knows better about surprise than Japan? Why didn’t you tell me about Pearl Harbor?” [38:57]
• Trevor Noah: “I will give Trump credit though, he didn’t do a Japanese accent, so let’s call that progress.” [39:11]

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9. Afroman’s Legal Victory: Lemon Pound Cake & Free Speech

Timestamps: [39:39]–[48:50]

• Afroman, known for “Because I Got High,” wins defamation suit filed by seven Ohio sheriffs over his viral satirical music videos after they raided his house.
  • Memorable description: Officer searches for evidence and is caught on tape eyeing a lemon pound cake; Afroman releases songs like “Will You Help Me Repair My Door?” [41:10]
  • “Rap songs have really evolved. They used to say f*** the police, now they body shame them over carbs.” — Noah [41:25]
• Police officers had to testify about being called “Officer Poundcake,” receiving actual pound cakes at work, and further, about accusation that Afroman slept with one’s wife.
  • “So you’re claiming that…the defamation statement is that he said he had sex with your wife?” — [45:27]
  • “It would be devastating if my haters sent me hundreds of them with the Nilla wafers specifically.” — Noah on the ‘horror’ of receiving free desserts [43:13]
• Afroman’s court speech: “I got the right to kick a can in my backyard, use my freedom of speech, turn my bad times into a good time.” [47:47]
• Satirical suggestion: “Afroman should run for president—except that was a real thing that happened in 2024 and all of you idiots didn’t support him.” — Noah [48:50]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “America, we will bomb anywhere that has a scrabble score above 12.” — Jordan Klepper, [01:20]
• “Excursion in the streets, war in the sheets. Is that what I’m hearing?” — Klepper, [11:10]
• “Feels like a bat at the Oxford Debate Club. Be it resolved, that dick be tiny now.” — Trevor Noah, [24:20]
• “If we could just have the smallest amount [of dignity], it would still be bigger than Mark Levin’s penis.” — Noah, [29:20]
• “Rap songs have really evolved. They used to say f*** the police, now they body shame them over carbs.” — Noah, [41:25]
• “I got the right to kick a can in my backyard, use my freedom of speech, turn my bad times into a good time.” — Afroman, [47:47]
• “Because we wanted surprise. Who knows better about surprise than Japan? Why didn’t you tell me about Pearl Harbor?” — Trump, [38:57]

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Segment Timestamps

• Strait of Hormuz & War Fallout: [00:30]–[05:44]
• Media Spin & Satire: [05:44]–[10:01]
• Trump “Panel,” War Rationalization: [10:01]–[15:44]
• MAGA Feuds, GOP Chaos: [15:44]–[29:22]
• Oil Price Impacts: [29:22]–[33:27]
• Rand Paul vs. Markwayne Mullin: [33:27]–[37:35]
• Trump’s “Surprise,” Allies In The Dark: [37:35]–[39:39]
• Afroman’s Free Speech Court Victory: [39:39]–[48:50]

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Episode Tone & Style

Sharp, darkly funny, and densely satirical throughout. The team threads biting political commentary with pop culture references and lampooning of all parties involved. Absurdity permeates the war coverage, punctuated by moments of levity—especially the Afroman story.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

You’ll get an irreverent, densely-packed satirical take on the Iran crisis, American media spin, congressional dysfunction, and the self-implosion of right-wing infighting, capped off by a hilarious and surprisingly affirming free speech win for Afroman.

Whether you want to keep up with the news or just laugh at the circus, this episode delivers both in prime Daily Show style.

Transcript

[Trevor Noah]

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[Donald Trump]

You're listening to Comedy Central.

[Jordan Klepper]

As many of you know, war is God's way of teaching Americans geography. And class is in session. I give you the Straight of Hormuz. Of course Gen Z will tell you no hormuzes 100% straight, but it's a passageway choke point for 20% of the world's oil. Kind of a lazy river for fossil fuels. Not to be confused with the strategic Iranian island of Kharg, which we also attacked. We attacked Haarg and Hormuz because if we've learned anything from these past 20 years, it's that America, we will bomb anywhere that has a scrabble score above 12.

[Trevor Noah]

Oh.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, we'll get to you, Uzbekistan. And you guys, you're not going to believe what Iran did after we attacked them.

[Trevor Noah]

Breaking news.

[Donald Trump]

The Supreme Leader said that the Strait

[Jordan Klepper]

of Hormuz, which is a critical shipping

[Donald Trump]

lane for nearly 20% of the world's

[Jordan Klepper]

crude oil, will remain closed. What?

[Trevor Noah]

What a dick.

[Jordan Klepper]

Was it scheduled maintenance?

[Trevor Noah]

Oh.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, wait. Is this because of the incessant bombing? Ooh. We're gonna play the one card we have to stop you from collapsing all of our infrastructure. Real mature. Well, you know what? Close it. See if we care.

[Trevor Noah]

Gas prices up, Diesel prices up. Jet fuel prices up. And in some quarters, you're beginning to hear whispers of concerns over the R word recession.

[Jordan Klepper]

Come on, open it back up. Come on. How dare Iran and their existential fight for existence inconvenience our commute? And by the way, the R word. Oh, this whole thing is the R word, all right. That's not the R word I would use for the decision to attack Iran. But Iran has now closed the Strait of Hormuz, leading to surging gas prices and risking the global economy. Of course, there was no way to know that that was going to happen.

[Correspondent/Guest]

General Dan Kaine, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, warned President Trump that Iran could close the Strait of Hormuz. President Trump acknowledged the risk, but told his team that Tehran would likely capitulate before closing the strait.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, would they? Oh, don't worry about it, everybody. Gee, who would have thought that a guy who did this during a solar eclipse. Would ignore a warning? By the way, my favorite Part of that goes. He looks up at a solar eclipse three times. Uh, that hurts.

[Trevor Noah]

Yep.

[Jordan Klepper]

But not to worry. This sudden bottleneck of the world's oil supply, it's not a big deal. It's barely closed.

[Donald Trump]

The only thing prohibiting transit in the straits right now is Iran shooting at shipping. It is open for transit should Iran not do that.

[Jordan Klepper]

Other than Epstein, it's a wonderful island. It's open. Except for the shooting. Come on, man. Jeez. So right now, the ships cannot make the passage because they're being attacked, and the risk is too great. There were some mines that have been laid. It's going to take a lot of foresight and planning to thread this needle, come up with a strategic plan. Luckily, I think the President has one.

[Donald Trump]

I also asked the President about the rise in oil prices, $100 a barrel.

[Trevor Noah]

And he said, these ships got to go through the Strait of Hormuz and show some guts.

[Jordan Klepper]

Show some guts, Captains Phil, I know you may not want to sail the slowest moving vehicle on Earth, packed with the most flammable liquid on Earth,

[Donald Trump]

through

[Jordan Klepper]

the most active war zone on Earth. But on the other hand,

[Donald Trump]

What are we. What are we doing?

[Jordan Klepper]

You know, maybe there's an easier solution to the myriad difficulties that have arisen from a hasty war of choice that seems light on plans for the inevitable unforeseen consequences and contingencies.

[Correspondent/Guest]

The Trump administration is threatening to go after US TV networks for their coverage

[Trevor Noah]

of the war with Iran.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yes. Yes, that's the solution. We. What if we just didn't hear about it? We've got two choices. Do this war better or make sure that the news networks only tell you that we are doing this war better. I know which one FCC Chairman Brendan Carr prefers.

[Donald Trump]

FCC Chairman Brendan Carr posted this on X. Broadcasters that are running hoaxes and news distortions, also known as the fake news, have a chance now to correct course before their license renewals come up.

[Jordan Klepper]

Mm, mm, mm. No, he didn't. Networks have to learn. You better not lie and give misinformation about how this war is going. That's Donald Trump's job.

[Donald Trump]

Did the United States bomb a girl's elementary school? Based on what I've seen, that was done by Iran. No accuracy whatsoever was done by Iran.

[Jordan Klepper]

He's gonna lose his president license unless he moves to basic cable. Jump in, Donny. The water's warm. To be fair, the administration isn't just criticizing how the media covers the war. They're being constructive about it.

[Donald Trump]

Allow me to make a few suggestions. People look up at the TV and they see banners, they see headlines. For example, a banner or a headline Mideast war intensifies. Splashing on the screen the last couple of days. What should the banner read instead? How about Iran increasingly desperate.

[Jordan Klepper]

Slow down, I'm writing. Hold on. Does desperate have an eye so smart. You know, we should be doing that like instead of the Strait of Hormuz is closed like they put up there. Why not just say 99% of world's waterways now open. And by the way, news organizations, what's with all the depressing footage of things being blown up and people running away in terror? Surely there's a more uplifting version that honors our greatness.

[Correspondent/Guest]

Iran has claimed responsibility for that hit.

[Trevor Noah]

They said they used underwater drones to strike the oil tankers. Video showed enormous fires following the impact.

[Jordan Klepper]

Was that so hard? Well, if you can't trust the fake news media and we've got so many unanswered questions about the reasons for the war, how long it's going to go, I mean, who can we turn to for clarity? To give it to us straight, there's

[Donald Trump]

no better communicator than our president.

[Correspondent/Guest]

President Trump laid out clear objectives to the American people.

[Donald Trump]

He's the best communicator I've ever seen.

[Jordan Klepper]

Of course, why am I allowing myself to get all confused and flustered? Why don't we just go to the source? All this time we've been relying on independent sources or outside observations and analysis when the truth and the clarity have been staring us in the face all along. So to clear up all the confusion about this war conflusion. To clear up all the confusion about this war, I've assembled an expert panel to help explain what the war is actually about in a lucid and clear cut way. So please welcome to the program President Donald Trump. Donald J. Trump, DJT and John Barron. Guys, Gentlemen, gentlemen. Thank you so much for joining me today.

[Donald Trump]

It's great to be here and great to be back. It's a great honor to be here. I just want to say it's a pleasure to be with you. I have no idea who you are, but that's okay.

[Jordan Klepper]

Good one.

[Trevor Noah]

But.

[Jordan Klepper]

All right, let's get right into it. Look, let's just start with the basics. There's been some confusion over whether or not we are even at war. Can you clarify for us if America is at war? I'll start with you, Donald Trump.

[Donald Trump]

This was just an excursion into something that had to be done.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay. All right, thank you. It's not a war, it's an Excursion. President Trump, do you agree this is an excursion?

[Donald Trump]

A little excursion, And I think it's only that.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, so it's actually like a minor. Just like a walkabout, like a bit of an exploding amble, if you will. John Barron, how is this excursion going? This little Susan of the.

[Donald Trump]

We're winning the war by a lot.

[Jordan Klepper]

So it's a war. Because earlier we heard President Trump and Donald Trump say it's an excursion.

[Donald Trump]

It's both. It's an excursion that will keep us out of a war.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay. All right, djt. It's both a war and an excursion that will stop the war. That it isn't. Excursion in the streets. War in the sheets. Is that what I'm hearing?

[Donald Trump]

Sounds good to me.

[Jordan Klepper]

I bet it does, sir. But thank you so much for not clearing that up. Do you have any sense of how long this is going to go?

[Donald Trump]

Combat operations continue at this time in full force, and they will continue until all of our objectives are achieved.

[Jordan Klepper]

Understood? So, obviously, we have to bear down and achieve all these objectives before we could ever just stand up and say, it's over. We won.

[Donald Trump]

We won. We won the bet in the first hour. It was over.

[Jordan Klepper]

That was two weeks ago. So the objectives. If we won and our objectives are met, and that was two weeks ago. Why are we still at war?

[Donald Trump]

We've already won in many ways, but we haven't won enough, Mother.

[Jordan Klepper]

So we're there till we win. We've won. We haven't won enough. I'm con. I'm sorry. We've got Don from Palm beach on the line. Sir, you said. You said the war will end when we achieve our objectives, and they're very clear. And that we've won, but not won enough, sir, if you can. How will we know then when we've won enough?

[Donald Trump]

When I feel it. When I feel it in my bones.

[Jordan Klepper]

All due respect to your bones, but should we really be giving them more responsibilities? Seems like they've got enough on their plate with the getting you up and down the stairs thing. Gentlemen, I don't mean to be pessimistic, but I can kind of see why we're having trouble keeping the Strait of Hormuz open. In fact, there are some naysayers out there. I want to read you a tweet, guys. I want to hear your response to this. This is a tweet from Donald J. Trump at Real Donald Trump. Here's what he says. Hopefully China, France, Japan, South Korea, the UK and others will send ships to the area so that the Hormuz Strait will no longer be a threat. How do you guys respond to that, that tweet by Donald Trump? Would the military support of other nations be helpful and welcome in this endeavor?

[Donald Trump]

We don't need anybody. We're the strongest nation in the world. We have the strongest military by far in the world. We don't need them. Everybody needs us. We have the weapons. We have the strength. We're very strong. They need us much more than we need them. I will tell you that right now.

[Jordan Klepper]

See, this is the clarity. This is the clarity that we've been looking for. We're going to go it alone with our bomb buddy, Bibi. We're the strongest country in the world. All right, let's move on to another topic. I'm sorry, Donald. You had something you wanted to say?

[Donald Trump]

They should be not only thanking us, they should be helping us. What does surprise me is that they're

[Jordan Klepper]

not eager to help.

[Donald Trump]

We need anything, any piece of apparatus that they may have because of a situation that they have. They should be jumping to help us. We requested two aircraft carriers, which they had, and he didn't really want to do it. I said, why don't you send some ships over? And he really didn't want to do it.

[Jordan Klepper]

So to sum up, if I can, we don't need your help. We don't want your help. I know it's hard to imagine, but, you know, we're not the only people affected by this bombing campaign. The Iranian people, along with suffering under this terrible regime, are now living through an intense aerial bombardment. Gentlemen, what's your message to the Iranian people?

[Donald Trump]

Now is the time to stand up for the Iranian people and help take back your country. Now is the time to seize control of your destiny. I call upon all Iranian patriots who yearn for freedom to seize this moment.

[Jordan Klepper]

That's. That's big. You're calling on the Iranian people to try to overthrow their own government. Donnie down in Palm beach, do you agree with that statement?

[Donald Trump]

So I really think that's a big hurdle to climb for people that don't have weapons. Who's going to do that? They literally have people in the. In these streets with machine guns machine gunning people down if they want to protest.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, sir, it's an excellent point. Donny makes an excellent point. Guys. There seems to be some disagreement amongst the Trumps on the merits of, let's call it an Iranuary 6th type movement. And I've got to be honest with you guys. I mean this. There are others even more critical of your decision to Launch this war. I'm going to play you this for you, and then I'd like your reactions.

[Donald Trump]

Our president will start a war with Iran because he has absolutely no ability to negotiate.

[Jordan Klepper]

Guys, I mean, you can dismiss the comment, but that's from the author of the Art of the Deal. How do you respond?

[Donald Trump]

I would say that it's one of the dumbest things I've ever really are. A loser. What an idiot. What a jerk. Low iq. He's a low IQ individual.

[Jordan Klepper]

Well, sir, I can't disagree. You know, there have been many who've been saying for some time, you know, I'm wondering, we may have disagreements about how long this is going to last or what the ultimate objectives are, but I think we all agree that sending American men and women into harm's way is the gravest decision any American president can make. I think the American people wish Godspeed to our soldiers, wisdom to our leaders, and a just peace that accommodates and recognizes the humanity of all those. I'm sorry, am I boring you? Oh, President Donald Trump. Am I bor. Donald Trump. Can you believe this guy? Oh, for sake. Does anyone on the panel want to jump in and. Oh, my God, you're all. Wake up, all of you. Son of a bitch. You know what? I didn't want to have to do

[Donald Trump]

this, but

[Jordan Klepper]

how's the ballroom renovation going?

[Donald Trump]

I think I'll save money on the doors because it can't get more beautiful than that.

[Jordan Klepper]

Thank you for clarifying all of our questions.

[Correspondent/Guest]

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[Trevor Noah]

According to public polling, the war in Iran has less support at its outset than any previous American war. And wars are almost always popular in the beginning, they're kind of like Apple TV shows. People are like, I don't know what's going on here, but for some reason, I'm on board. But President Trump doesn't need popular support or congressional consent to declare war because he's got a high profile fan on his side.

[Donald Trump]

President Trump made news when he suggested

[Trevor Noah]

a former president he's been speaking with wishes he had done to Iran what Trump has done.

[Donald Trump]

I spoke to one of the former presidents who I actually like, and he said, I wish I did what you did.

[Trevor Noah]

Okay, first of all, why is the president holding onto the desk like it's a safety bar and a Six Flags roller coaster? No, come into the Oval Office. I'll be right with you. Just let my French tips dry. You know, no bigging, but the big question is, which former president gave Trump props for the war in Iran? Come on, Trump, spill the beans.

[Donald Trump]

I just want to ask you about

[Jordan Klepper]

something very interesting that you said twice

[Donald Trump]

today that you talked to another former

[Trevor Noah]

president about the Iran strikes.

[Donald Trump]

They did.

[Trevor Noah]

Was it George W. Bush?

[Donald Trump]

No.

[Trevor Noah]

Was it Bill Clinton?

[Donald Trump]

I don't want to say.

[Trevor Noah]

Oh, oh, I think you've said plenty, Mr. Trump. I don't want to give away who it is. All I can say is that I was recently helping him prep for his Epstein island deposition. That's all. By the way, I love how Peter Doocy is trying to play Guess who with our toddler president. Is he wearing glasses? Is he bald? If he was doing karaoke, would he be allowed to sing all in Gold Digger? Now, there's also another possibility, and this may come as a shock, which is that maybe, just possibly, Trump pulled the whole thing out of his ass. Aides to each of the four living

[Donald Trump]

former presidents all deny they have had any such conversations with President Trump.

[Trevor Noah]

Yes, the living former presidents denied talking to Trump. Trump never said living. What's more likely? That Bill Clinton thinks starting a half baked war in the Middle east was a good idea or that Trump spent 20 minutes talking to a portrait of Grover Cleveland? Regardless of who he's been talking to about it, I'm just glad the President has his mind 100% completely focused on this daunting situation with Iran.

[Donald Trump]

I do believe I'll be the honor of having the honor of taking Cuba.

[Trevor Noah]

No, no. No new wars until you finish the war we just got you. This is not the time to be taking Cuba. By the way, what do you mean by taking Cuba?

[Jordan Klepper]

Taking Cuba.

[Donald Trump]

Taking Cuba in some form. Yeah, taking Cuba. I mean, whether I free it. Take it. I think I Could do anything I want with it. You want another truth?

[Trevor Noah]

You can do anything you want with it. I don't know what's worse, that he's talking like a supervillain or that he sounds so bored about it. You should be cackling with lightning in the background when you say shit like that. Why are you sounding like Lexapro Luther over here? World is mine, Superman? I guess. Whatever. While Trump seems unengaged, some people in his administration are getting worked up.

[Correspondent/Guest]

Breaking news. The head of the National Counterterrorism Center, Joe Kent, announced just hours ago that he is resigning immediately over the war in Iran.

[Trevor Noah]

Whoa. I mean, that would be even more damning if this guy wasn't an unqualified crackpot. But it still has to shake up a president when one of your appointees resigns over your war.

[Donald Trump]

I read his statement. I always thought he was a nice guy, but I always thought he was weak on security. Very weak on security.

[Trevor Noah]

You appointed him. You know what? I guess that tracks. Everyone knows the qualifications for running the National Counterterrorism Center. Go. Nice guy brings muffins to the morning meeting, and then all the way down the list. Good on security. But this split is dividing the entire MAGA movement right now. There's the anti war side with people like Joe Rogan, Tucker Carlson, and Megyn Kelly. And there's the pro war side with Sean Hannity, Lindsey Graham and Mark Levin. And as you can imagine, the quality of an internal MAGA debate is highly intellectual.

[Donald Trump]

On the X platform, Mark Levin posted, poor Megyn Kelly, an emotionally unhinged, lewd, and petulant wreck. She's completely revealed and destroyed herself. In response, Megyn Kelly posted micropenis marked. Thinks he has the monopoly on lube. He doesn't like it when women like me fight back because of his micropenis.

[Trevor Noah]

Oh, Feels like a bat at the Oxford Debate Club. Be it resolved, that dick be tiny now. It's not a good look for President Trump to have his followers fighting so publicly over their micro penises. Donny, why don't you step in and heal the divide?

[Donald Trump]

President Trump defended Mark Levin, posting that he is somewhat under siege by other people with far less intellect, capability and love for our country. Mark is tough, strong, and brilliant. In response, Megyn Kelly posted that Mark Levin went running to daddy about his micropenis.

[Trevor Noah]

Damn it, Megan. Damn it. Oh. Now, it's obviously not fair to accuse Mark Levin of running to daddy about his micropenis. Although I imagine having a micro penis makes the running a lot easier. Totally unrelated but in high school, I was the slowest guy in gym class. Putting that out there. Putting it out there. By the way, did you notice that at no point did Trump deny the micropenis allegations? Not exactly the full throated defense. You watch. He has a micropenis. Hey, he's a nice man. Also, I'm sorry, aren't we at war? You're tweeting about your buddy's micro penis. Was FDR taking time out of his Fireside chats to be like, anyway, that's how D Day went. Now, if I may say a few words about whether my friend Zachary has a chode. Please, please. Isn't there anybody who can calm down? Marjorie Taylor Greene, you're a. You're a respected member of maga. Perhaps you can bring some intellectual substance to this debate.

[Correspondent/Guest]

Former Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene posted. I wholeheartedly support Megyn Kelly telling the world that Mark Levin has a micropenis.

[Trevor Noah]

Marjorie, come on. Come on. With all this talk about micropenises, we're losing sight of the real reason we attacked Iran, which is shit. You know what? Now that I think about it, we never got an answer to that, actually. And believe me, I've been searching for one harder than Mark Levin's urologist. You know, Boom. Sorry. Okay. Sorry, Mark. I had to get in one last small one just like you.

[Jordan Klepper]

Boom.

[Trevor Noah]

Sorry. Okay, look, can conservatives please join us focused on the actual war? There's a new ayatollah in power who is dead set on revenge. You should be talking about him, not gossiping about men's penises.

[Jordan Klepper]

The New York Post is reporting that

[Donald Trump]

the President was just briefed about the new ayatollah. Sources are saying Ayatollah Junior might be gay.

[Trevor Noah]

You gotta love that banner. New Ayatollah is probably gay. Give it up for the Fourth Estate, everyone. Wow. Bravo. Yes. Love the media, who apparently are now reporting gossip like they're high school mean girls. This just in from the CIA. The new Ayatollah got his period in the driver's ed car. Fine, fine. I guess we're doing this. Media establishment. Let's hear that, hot. Hot Goss.

[Donald Trump]

Ayatollah Junior Might be gay and has been making aggressive sexual advances on his male caretakers while hopped up on meds. His father reportedly thought he was too gay to be Iran's supreme leader.

[Trevor Noah]

Too gay. I like the implication that the Supreme Leader of Iran should be a little. He should be like Death to America, except Lady Gaga. So that's basically where we're at right now. This country has launched itself into a devastating regional war in the Middle East. The President is focused on taking Cuba. His movement is split amongst themselves. And the media is turning into tmz. The quality of our discourse has absolutely vanished. And in these fraught times, is it too much to ask for just a little bit of thoughtfulness and dignity? If we could just have the smallest amount, it would still be bigger than Mark levin's penis. Boom. Zootopia 2 has come home to Disney.

[Jordan Klepper]

Let's go get ready for a new case.

[Trevor Noah]

We're victorious. Partners of all time. New friends, Gary the snake and your last name.

[Jordan Klepper]

The snake Dream team.

[Trevor Noah]

The new habitats Zootopia has a secret reptile population. You can watch the record breaking phenomenon at home. Zootopia 2, now available on Disney Plus. Rated PG. And right now you can get Disney plus and Hulu for just $4.99 a month for three months with a special limited time offer. Ends March 24. After three months, Plan Auto renews at $12.99 a month. Terms apply. As the war continues into its third week, oil prices are skyrocketing, which is devastating for everyday Americans like commuters and truck drivers. And that guy from Dune who lives in a pool of oil. He can only afford to bathe in a kiddie pool now. It's really demoralizing. And if you're thinking that's fine. I rarely bathe in a pool of oil. This won't affect me. Think again.

[Correspondent/Guest]

Now, if oil prices keep rising, this flows through to a lot of areas. Heating oil goes up, airline ticket prices go up. Delivery service. Public transit can go up. And groceries, childcare, elder care.

[Trevor Noah]

Gas is affecting elder care. I swear to God, if this means my grandmother can't send me $10 for my birthday, she's dead to me. Yes, for those of you who drop your nana off on a Delta flight in the morning and just let her circle around in the sky all day, it's gonna get a lot more. And it may surprise you, but those tennis balls old people put on the bottom of their walkers come directly through the Strait of Hormuz. Just. Yeah. So high gas prices have MAGA World in a tricky position now, because there's no way to spin it as a good thing to the American people. Unless, you know what. Unless. What if we're the problem?

[Donald Trump]

$3.50 gasoline. People are talking like this is the end of the world. No, it's not. I can handle the gas. People can handle the gas prices. We're hardly ever called on to sacrifice anything anymore. Freedom is not free. Americans are going to have to make some sacrifices for gas prices to go up a little bit. Is suddenly raising so much concern. Think of how much worse it was in World War II than what we're facing now.

[Trevor Noah]

Is that the bar now? It's not as bad as the worst war in human history. So stop bitching. I mean, you can dismiss any concerns that way. Oh, you're upset because home ownership is out of reach? You know who else doesn't have a home Saving Private Ryan. Maybe instead of shaming the American public for complaining about prices, a more thoughtful appeal might help.

[Donald Trump]

This is short term and I'm asking

[Trevor Noah]

you to just trust the man, okay? Trust the system. Let him cook.

[Donald Trump]

Hold on. For like two to three tanks of gas.

[Trevor Noah]

It'll be an extra 10 to 12 bucks. Two or three tanks. You don't know how many tanks of gas I go through, man. My wife just joined a Tokyo Drift club. She's got a Tokyo Drift right through our kids college fund. But you heard him. This is just temporary pain. That'll all be worth it in the long term. I'm sure everyday Americans will understand and will take this in stride. If you could say something to President Trump, who's going to hear you right

[Jordan Klepper]

now, what would it be?

[Correspondent/Guest]

You are a worthless pile of.

[Trevor Noah]

Well, someone's not getting an invite to the new ballroom. You know what? I'm sure that lady was probably just another Trump derangement syndrome liberal who makes her morning macho with a Ruth Bader Ginsburg whist. Let's hear what else this is had to say. And you voted for him how many times?

[Correspondent/Guest]

Three times. That was my bad. Apparently I'm an idiot.

[Trevor Noah]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. She's a three time Trump voter. Just imagine how angry she'll be when she votes for him a fourth time. Let's move on, because unfortunately for Trump, it's not going well for him on Capitol Hill. Two weeks ago he sent Kristi Noem to the great costume bin in the sky. And when Trump thought about who should replace Noem as head of Homeland Security, only one name came to mind. That happened to be two names smushed into one. Mark Wayne Mullen. He had his confirmation hearing today and some people were expecting fireworks because Mark Wayne has bad blood with committee Chairman Random. In fact, you might remember that 10 years ago Rand Paul got beat up by his neighbor when he was mowing the lawn. And since then, Mark Wayne Mullen has taken the side of the neighbor.

[Jordan Klepper]

I believe we have a quote from Mullen about Paul Rand Paul's a freaking snake.

[Trevor Noah]

And I understand completely why his neighbor did what he did. Oh, low blow, Mark Wayne. Pick it on someone with half of your names. I mean. Although to be fair, while Rand Paul does only have one first name, it is his last name for some reason. All very confusing, of course. That fight was a decade ago. This is an important confirmation hearing. I don't think Rand Paul is going to use it to try to settle old scores.

[Donald Trump]

You told the media that I was a freaking snake and that you completely understood why I had been assaulted. Never had the courage to look me in the eye and tell me that the assault was justified. Tell me to my face why you think I deserve a lack of contrition. No apology and no regrets. So you say you completely understood that I was assaulted from behind, had six ribs broken and part of my lung removed.

[Trevor Noah]

Whoa, whoa. You had a lot built up there, man. You said your piece, now it's out of your system. We can move on with more pressing issues.

[Donald Trump]

When I talked to you on the private, on privately on the phone, there was no apology. Somehow you think I'm just going to set that aside? I don't heard the word apologize. Haven't heard the words recorded. The felonious violent attack on me from behind the thing started that characters aspect. I'm repeating. Your support for the assault. No regrets about being happy, Being completely understanding why I was attacked from behind. Are those still your opinions?

[Trevor Noah]

Mark Wade. Mark Wade. Mark Wade. Think he's a little upset. Maybe out of respect, just to help smooth things over. Tell Rand Paul you do not support his neighbor beating the shit out of him. I did not say I supported it.

[Donald Trump]

I said I understood it. There's a difference.

[Trevor Noah]

Not helping, Mark Wayne, if your co worker says I don't support cannibalism, but I understand it. You're not trying the shepherd's pie they're bringing to the potluck. Okay, but look, Rand Paul was actually trying to get at a question about Mark Wane's temperament. Because Mark Wain didn't just not apologize. He also had a unique argument in defense of political violence.

[Donald Trump]

You did many interviews in which you justified the violence as historically justified by precedents such as caning and dueling.

[Trevor Noah]

What I would simply point out is

[Donald Trump]

some of the rules that still apply to this body. For instance, dueling with two consenting adults is still there.

[Trevor Noah]

I was pointing out what is legal.

[Donald Trump]

It's been illegal for 170 years.

[Trevor Noah]

I'm sorry, does the next Homeland Security chief think that dueling is still legal, my man. It's definitely not legal to duel, even if your first name is currently involved in one. But Senator Mark Wayne, rather than dueling, may suggest that it's actually just much easier to just apologize. I've. I've even got the perfect phrase for you.

[Jordan Klepper]

My bad.

[Correspondent/Guest]

Apparently, I'm an idiot.

[Trevor Noah]

Yeah. Not sure how to tackle your taxes. Are you sweating the small print? You may be experiencing FOMO, the fear of messing up the answer. Using TurboTax on Intuit credit Karma. They help you get your biggest refund, and then we help you do more with it with a personalized plan designed to help you hit your money goal. It's time to take your taxes to the max. Start filing today in the Credit Karma app. We are now almost three weeks into the war in Iran, and it's not going great. Oil prices are surging, our planes are getting shot out of the sky, and now Pete Hegseth is asking for an extra $200 billion to fight this war. And they Women be shopping, huh? And on top of all of this, our allies are angry that Trump started this war without consulting them. But of course, President Trump is smoothing things over with his trademark charm. Why didn't you tell US Allies in

[Donald Trump]

Europe and Asia, like Japan, about the

[Trevor Noah]

war before attacking Iran?

[Donald Trump]

Because we wanted surprise. Who knows better about surprise than Japan? Why didn't you tell me about Pearl Harbor? Okay.

[Trevor Noah]

Wow. The Japanese Prime Minister did not like that joke. I haven't seen an American bomb in front of Japan that badly since you get the idea. Although I will give Trump credit, though, he didn't do a Japanese accent, so let's call that progress. But taking all of this into account, it feels like America could really use a win right now.

[Correspondent/Guest]

Rapper Afroman wins a defamation lawsuit filed by seven Ohio sheriff's deputies. He's calling it a victory for freedom of speech.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah. We did it, America. Yeah. We did it.

[Trevor Noah]

Freedom of speech. Rado.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah.

[Trevor Noah]

Whoa, whoa. Now that. That looks like American victory to me. I mean, just look at what he's wearing. If aliens landed here in America, they'd be like, take me to your le. Oh, it must be this guy right here, right? His glasses. Love the glasses. Now, you might remember Afroman from his hit song Because I Got High. Or you might not remember it because you got high. But Basically, back in 2022, local police in Ohio busted down Afroman's door, rummaged through his clothes, took money from his house, scared his kids, all to look for evidence of crimes that they never ended up Charging him with. Now, after a raid like this, a lot of people might try to lay low for a while, not piss off the cops. But Afro man happened to notice this particular moment where one of the deputies was searching his kitchen and looked longingly at a lemon pound cake. And Afroman did what Afroman does. He released multiple satirical music videos using his own security camera footage of the incident that included images.

[Donald Trump]

You're seeing some of that here of these offices, officers. It made the sheriff wanna put down

[Trevor Noah]

his gun and cut him a slice. Oh man, I'll tell ya. I'll tell ya. Rap songs have really evolved. They used to say the police, now they body shame them over carbs. And that was just the beginning. Afroman put out a whole series of videos about the cops addressing specific grievances in songs like will you help me repair my door? And why you disconnecting my video camera? As well as songs with more general observations.

[Donald Trump]

Randy Walters is the son of a bitch,

[Trevor Noah]

I'll tell you. And that is why AI will never replace real musicians. Now, a lot of people found these cuck the police music videos funny, but the police officers who starred in them did not. So last year, they sued Afroman for defamation. And right away the officers had a problem, which is that when you sue someone for making fun of you, you have to get up on the witness stand and talk about how badly you suffered from it. Which led to moments like this.

[Donald Trump]

Sean, you were called officer pound cake by Mr. Clemens multiple times. You received hundreds of pound cakes at work.

[Trevor Noah]

One. One. Oh, my God. My God, the horror. The horror. I can't imagine the pain of being sent free desserts. I just hope Afroman doesn't find out that I love banana pudding from Magnolia bakery. It would be devastating if my haters sent me hundreds of them with the Nilla wafers specifically. I mean, oh God, I would never recover. Remember, Officer pound cake wasn't Afroman's only target. Officer Randy Walters sued Afroman for saying what was it again? Which again meant Randy Walters had to get up on the witness stand and answer the question. Are you a son of a bitch

[Donald Trump]

when they call you a son of a bitch? That would be an opinion. I'd assume that would be an opinion. Okay. Because there's no way we can prove whether you're a son of a bitch or not. She's been dead for years. I'm sorry about your love Whoa whoa

[Trevor Noah]

whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa no one mentioned you. Your dad could be the bitch. Okay, I gotta say, I. I didn't realize that determining whether or not someone was a bitch was part of the legal profession. It does give me hope for my new pilot bitch court with judge Jordan. And this.

[Jordan Klepper]

This.

[Trevor Noah]

It could still work. You know, anybody who's buying this is generally the big challenge with the defamation lawsuit. Because to win, you have to argue that a reasonable person would believe that Afroman's claims were facts and not just jokes. And that's especially awkward because Afroman also said he slept with Randy's wife. Or. Oh, wait, no, I'm. I'm sorry. How did he put it? Yes. Thank you. So now poor Randy Walters had to argue that a reasonable person might believe that, which led to perhaps my favorite moment of the tribe.

[Donald Trump]

So you're claiming that is. The defamation statement is that he said

[Jordan Klepper]

he had sex with your wife? Yes.

[Trevor Noah]

Okay.

[Donald Trump]

And that's painted you in a false light. It's caused tremendous pain in my life that my wife is cheating on me with Mr. Foreman. But we all know that's not true, correct? I don't know.

[Trevor Noah]

I don't know. Just look at me and my whole deal here. I think a reasonable person could assume I'm unable to satisfy my wife. Look, okay, okay. Obviously, obviously, no one thinks that Afroman is sleeping with this guy's wife. I wouldn't dare slander them or their beautiful child. Now, can I just say. Can I just say this. This puts officer pound cake in an even an even worse light. The other guy is like, Afroman called me a son of a bitch and said he my wife. And then you're like, yeah. And he said, I had a sweet tune again. Okay, the central question of this case wasn't whether Afromance songs were factual. It was whether people would think. And this is how his lawyer made the case.

[Jordan Klepper]

Look at that suit.

[Donald Trump]

Does this look like a man who thinks that everybody's gonna assume that everything he's saying is fact?

[Trevor Noah]

Listen, I'm beginning to see how brilliant wearing that suit is. Ladies and gentlemen, does my client look like someone you. He dresses like the DJ at the club where Betsy Ross strips. And by the way, I love this lawyer too. Look at. Look at Hagrid Esquire over here. Let's wrap this up. I got the big ZZ Top case at 3, and then I gotta go back to forging my own swords. Thank you, your honor. But there were actual free speech issues on trial here. And Afromance was unapologetic about his rights. After they run around my house with guns and kick down my door.

[Donald Trump]

I got the right to kick a

[Trevor Noah]

can in my backyard, use my freedom of speech, turn my bad times into a good time. Yes, I do. And I think I'm a sport for doing so because I don't go to their house, kick down their doors, flip them off on their surveillance cameras, then try to play the victim and sue them. Wow. Wow. I don't know if I want to stay because of the speech he gave or because he's wearing all the American flags. Regardless, I'd say Afroman should run for president, except that was a real thing that happened in 2024 and all of you idiots didn't support him. We could have had President Afroman right now. And look, I'm not saying that would be ideal, but you can't tell me it wouldn't be an improvement. Explore more shows from the Daily Show

[Donald Trump]

Podcast universe by searching the Daily Show

[Trevor Noah]

Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.