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The Daily Show: Ears Edition
This Week's News | Jon Stewart on the Iran War's Monthaversary & Desi on Kristi Noem's Double-D Life
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The conflict is disrupting global supply chains for other surprising and essential products.
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Grain, nuts, oil, saffron, dates, paddles, and pickleballs. Yeah, I'm not sure how that snuck into the essential products store, but I guess we all make sacrifices in wartime. My dearest Eliza, it's been over a month since I've played. Well, not tennis. Kind of like tennis. It's more like baby tennis. Like, but it's bigger than ping pong. You really have to try it, Eliza. It's so fun. Acting, acting. That was acting. What else is being blocked? It's getting harder to get food that comes with pistachios.
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You can't make to buy chocolate bars.
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Oh, no. What will our influencers stand in line to pretend to eat? Dubai chocolate. My God, that's been an American staple for tens of days. I can't believe how the news has to frame world events. To try and make Americans care. The whole region is being flattened. Innocent people are dying. Their food and fuel are in total chaos. And our news is like, if this goes on any longer, say goodbye to your stuffed crust pizza. Are Americans losing anything else? It turns out there is another key material being affected by the war in Iran. Fertilizer. There could be helium shortages. Yes, the gas that's used in party balloons. What? The Helium is a fundamental gas used in the production of advanced chip technology. You don't have to dumb it down to make us. Oh, this war could be even bad for your promposals. Like, come on. Meanwhile, back on the home front this weekend offered stark images articulating our nation's deep political divide as 8 to 9 million people took to the streets for the no Kings protest. Yeah, they did it. While a slightly smaller group of, let's call them heritage Americans took to the Reagan Meeting Room 1A on the second floor for their Yaskings rally. If you want an object lesson on what a strong commander in chief looks like, take a look at the current resident of the Oval Office, President Donald J. Trump. What he's been able to do in
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one year is truly remarkable.
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Great president. Greatest president of my lifetime. That guy is an Energizer bunny. We'll never get another president like Donald Trump. Never. And that's why it's important that we do everything that we can to try to get him reelected. I'm sorry, that's Reverend Franklin Graham saying, praise the Lord and the Constitution. Now, look, far be it for me to question the wisdom of this year's CPAC convention, but clearly the vibes this year were slightly off. How many of you would like to see impeachment hearings? No, that was the wrong answer. That's a rookie crowd. Work mistake. Slap. See, they cheered for Trump's impeachment, not realizing that you were calling for the counter, but that's on you. Crowds are like dogs. They. They react to tone. You can get them excited about anything. Who wants to go to the vet? Who wants to get their balls cut off? See, in Trumpland, Old Donald didn't let something as trivial as a war keep him from doing his rounds at the golf course and at a Saudi investment meeting in Miami, because God forbid, during a war, he let the precipice of World War III yuck his yum in any way. That was Trump's weekend. And I find it so astounding that this nuclear armed man baby doesn't seem to have any understanding of the confusion and anxiety that his Ill planned adventure in Iran is causing this country. He's just trucking along like it's any old episode of the Apprentice. Here is Trump last night on Air Force One. Watch him try and focus for more than two sentences on the war he started before veering off into what really matters. It truly is regime change, and regime change is an imperative. But I think we have it automatically. I did something today. We just got these in from the architects. A lot of people are talking about how beautiful the ballroom is. For 150 years, they've wanted to build a ballroom at the White House. Here's another view. This is coming from right opposite the treasury building. Here's a view on the south with the porch. This is a view of it from the north. And there'll be Corinthian, which is considered the best, most beautiful by far. Now, I know what you're thinking. How do you get something that size on a plane? But I guess he's allowed. It's his emotional support. Ballroom picture. Now you may say, well, what prompted this presentation about the ballroom? Well, it turns out this incredibly long winded visual aid assisted timeshare presentation was spurred by a critical New York Times article that had the gall to suggest that sometimes Trump's plans don't hold up to scrutiny. The Times had architects analyzed plans for the ballroom. They pointed out design flaws, like staircases that seemed to lead nowhere. Oh, okay. Woke New York Times. When MC Escher does that, it's art. Oh, but you put it on an actual building and suddenly it's, this doesn't make any sense and I appear to be trapped. Picture this. It's late at night and you're scrolling through your feeds when all of a sudden you see it. That one product that you've been looking for. You click on the link, add to cart, maybe even shop around a little more before finally hitting checkout. As you're filling in your address, you realize you don't have your card anywhere near you. That's when you see it. That purple pay button that has all your information saved, making checkout as simple as a simple tap on your screen. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names like Gymshark to Aviator Nation to brands just getting started. What if people haven't heard of my brand? Shopify helps you find your customers with easy to run emails and social media campaigns. Get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you. Easy to create email and social media campaigns. Wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling. Best yet, Shopify is your commerce expert. With world class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond, it's time to turn those what ifs into with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com dailyshow Go to shopify.com dailyshow shopify.com dailyshow for the ballroom, Trump will pull an all nighter for a point by point rebuttal for the war. Literally doesn't have the focus to answer one question about the dire consequences of of his actions on his favorite network.
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I think it is alarming that we have not been able to see or hear from any of the Iranian people and I think there is some general worry about them. Do you have any insight as to how they are doing? Do they have drinking water? Do they have food?
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Wow. Straightforward question. It asked the President to put himself in the shoes of those purportedly we're trying to liberate and the suffering they may be going through. The Iranian people are hurting, sir.
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Do they have food?
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Right. I do.
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It's upsetting.
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I do. But first, you remember when we had lunch years ago in the base of Trump Tower when it was a brand new building. So the point is the Iranians might not have food, but you remember you And I, about 12, 13 years ago, had a club sandwich, Remember that?
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A long time ago.
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Yes, long time ago. And you haven't changed. You have not changed. Now, I'm not allowed to say this, it's the end of my political career, but you may be even better looking. Okay, so I don't know what you're doing, but I will not say makeup
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has a lot to do with that.
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I will not say that because that will end my political career. You're not allowed to say a woman's beautiful anymore. You know, it's funny, Dana, your question about the, the suffering of the Iranian people has somehow made me horny. I don't know why. I just, you asked me, do they have food? Do they have water? And the whole time I'm thinking like, what a piece of ass, what a delightful piece of ass you are. You remember that, Dana? Remember how I made you uncomfortable at lunch? You remember? I do that. I do that a lot to women. I make them uncomfortable. What was your question? I don't remember your question. The war, other than the occasional tweet, doesn't seem to occupy any space in Trump's brain. And by the way, not just for tv on Friday he addressed a room full of Saudi investors who you would think might be very concerned about the bombings in their neighborhood, but he wants to let them know we don't have to talk about that at all. I am asked to take a few questions and unlike other politicians, they would like the question screened. I don't ask for screening of the questions. You can ask me anything you want. You can talk sex, you can whatever the hell you want. We can ask about sex. Okay, Whose name is that? Is that your name? Whose name is that? Who? Or you meant like general sex shit? Like Loveline shit? Sowy. You know, honestly, his leering behavior is less commander in chief at war and more grandpa, who's lost his filter in public. Instead of assuaging a nervous nation, he's just embarrassing the whole family at dinner, going, hey, do you see our waitress is a busty one, huh? Just like your grandma was. But like any good monarchy, Trump's loyal henchmen assure you that it's really the opposite of everything you're seeing. He has encyclopedic molecular knowledge. I was on the airplane with him and we were sitting across the table from each other. We started talking about Syria, and he got a placemat and he turned it on its back, and then he took a Sharpie and he drew a perfect map of the Mideast. And then he put the troop strength of every country on every border on that map. Has anyone thought about filming that? Let us see that, because that's not what we see. What we see is a president four weeks into a war he has yet to fully explain, with objectives he has yet to fully define. Only displaying molecular knowledge in a cabinet meeting of his own pen preferences. So I came here, they have thousand dollar pens. And, you know, you hand pens out, you're signing and you hand them out, you're handing them all these people. Beautiful pen. Ballpoint. Thousand. It was gold, silver, handing out to kids that don't even know what the hell. What is this, Mommy. So I take it out and I saw it and there's no ink. And I got all you people looking and you say, there must be something wrong with this pen right here. This pen is an interesting example. It's the same thing, this one. I called the guy, I said, I'd like to use your pen, but I can't have a gray thing with a big S on it saying Sharpie. He said, why can't you make a dice? So what can you do? He said, I'll paint it black, sir, if you like, in gold, almost Real gold. That's a cabinet meeting during a war. Don't tell us what to use to draw the map, just draw the map. You know, all we keep hearing from this administration is why the American people have to sacrifice for Trump's vision of America's greatness, that these temporary disruptions are just part of the process. And why can't we be patriots? We have to be patient. We have to suck it up. Whether it's high gas prices or whimsical tariff inflation or draconian ice rates or temporary Bill of Rights suspensions, it's on us to understand. But Trump gets to be just the same old ain't I a stinker? Utterly self absorbed. Remember when I used to want to f hot girls twat self? Can you imagine any other president, let alone a wartime president, being this indulgent? And they were $1,000 apiece. Beautiful pen. Ballpoint thousand. It was. Gold, silver, gorgeous. But I'm handing it out to kids that don't even know what they are. What is this, Mommy? These kids, they're getting a pen for $1,000. They have no idea what it is. Now, to be fair to Trump, pen technology was at FDR's time quite primitive. But Trump is the guy you want to be your king. That's who you want. It's important that we do everything that we can to try to get him reelected. Really? This is the guy you'll break the constitution for. The American monarchy begins with this guy. And then it. This is the line we face in this country. No kings versus kings. But a word of caution. Generally with monarchies, the first guy is the best guy. It's the guy that's so good it makes the people want a king. A Charlemagne, an Alexander, a Ralph. But pretty soon, corruption and inbreeding take their toll on the monarchy and turn your king into this guy. Old Charles ii. Yeah, that's his real head. He liked cheese. It was his favorite food. So go ahead. But just understand we're starting a lot closer to Charles than Charlemagne.
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This episode sponsored by We Feed Raw. Have you ever actually looked at the label on your dog's food? Most dog food labels are a long list of things that don't look like food. Powders, starches, additives used to hold ultra processed kibble together at We Feed Raw. The label looks very different. High quality meat, nutrient rich organs, complete and balanced nutrition formulated by PhD nutrition experts. No fillers, no artificial preservatives, just real ingredients that support your dog's whole body health. That's why many pet Parents see real changes after switching to WeFeedraw's fresh meals. If you want to feed your dog one of the healthiest diets possible, Wefeedraw makes it simple. Right now, new customers can get 40% off their starter box plus free shipping. Visit We Feed Raw at wefeedraw.com to get started. Today, Let's kick things off with Kristi Noem, former Secretary of Homeland Security and the inciting incident in All Dogs Go to Heaven. She's had a bad time recently. She lost her job. We found out about her affair and how it happened on a taxpayer funded plane. She really needs to just lay low and stay out of the headlines. Sorry, what's that? Former Homeland Security chief Kristi Noem is said to be stunned by reports that her husband may be leading a cross dressing double life. According to the Daily Mail, Noem's 56
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year old husband Brian is a secret cross dresser who wears gigantic fake boobs and wears pink hot pants while he chats online with fetish models who have gigantic breasts.
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I can't believe the lady banging her employee on a plane is the less messy one in their marriage. You know what, you live your truth, Brian. Oh, she can dress up and you can't that. You know what. If she had an affair, you have a free pass. You can do whatever you want. I support you and your beautiful lazy eyed balloon nipples. Truly, I have never felt more seen. You know what they say, sometimes they're sisters, not twins. Let's move on to a different type of inflation, the one at the gas pump.
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All right, the breaking news this morning. Gas prices in the United states now higher than 4 a gallon for the first time since 2022. Part of the reason basically the full closure of the Strait of Hormuz. Almost no oil has passed out over the last month. Yeah, this sucks. We're supposed to be drill baby drill. We're supposed to be self sufficient. So how is the gas prices going up? It's too expensive, puppy. You know, I might buy me a horse or something.
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Yes, that's too. Horses drink much less gasoline, by the way. This is how much Americans hate Teslas now. They're just like, how do I stop using so much gas? Maybe a horse. It doesn't matter how many horses we buy. Oil prices won't come down until the Strait of Hormuz is as open as Kristi Noem's marriage. President Trump. President Trump. It was your stupid war that closed it in the first place. Do you have any suggestions for how to Open it back up.
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All of those countries that can't get jet fuel because of the Strait of Hormuz. I have a suggestion for you. Build up some delayed courage, go to the Strait, and just take it. You'll have to start learning how to fight for yourselves. Go get your own oil.
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So, just to get this straight, you started a war that caused the Strait of Hormuz to be closed, and. And now you want someone else to figure out how to open it? It's the Middle East. It's not a toilet in the second floor office bathroom. If you clogged it, it's your job to unclog it. Unless. Unless no one saw you go in, and then you blame it on Michael Kosta. You know what? Forget him. Maybe someone else can help us figure out exactly what's going on with this war. Pete Hegseth, you're smarter than Donald Trump. Well, you're more qualified than Donald. Well, you're. You're not Donald Trump. So what's your take?
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This new regime, because regime change has occurred, should be wiser than the last.
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Wait. New regime? You killed the ayatollah, and they replaced him with an even more hardline son.
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They?
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That is the opposite of regime change. That is regime maxing. Please, Please, give us a plan. You were in the region this weekend. What did you see?
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I had a chance to bear witness, and I witnessed the best of America.
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Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, Pete, don't try to be poetic. Don't do that.
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In my mind's eye, I'm actually looking out at the groups I met this weekend. Those maintainers who we walked up at sunset with the chill in the air. On the flight line, I met a junior airman as the sun was going down and a chill was setting on the tarmac. I did the same with his boss. A colonel with a heart the size of Texas and a beautiful deployment mustache to match.
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Kind of got weirdly horny at the end. A heart the size of Texas, an ass as tight as Idaho, and a penis the shape of Rhode Island. Okay, you know what? Forget Pete Hegseth. I know who can help us figure out this. Lindsey Graham, senator from South Carolina and living Confederate monument. Because when I tell you that he has been wanting to go to war for a long time, I mean, a
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long time, I would urge President Trump to go all in to make sure that when this operation is over, there's nothing left standing in Iran regarding their nuclear program. We're going to blow up all your oil refineries, hit Iran Blow it off the map. Don't underrate killing them all. That gets everybody's attention.
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I don't know.
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It is now time for them to pay a price. We'll use military force, destroy the Air Force, sink their navy. We need to look at military options. We should destroy their ability to make conventional war. I think it's better to use military force than it is to allow them to have a nuclear weapon. The most dangerous thing in the world, in my opinion, would be the regime in Iran possessing a nuclear weapon. And if military forces necessary, then so be it.
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Wow. Okay. He's been going after Iran since before I was even born. Don't Google it. Don't Google it. Seriously, Graham is more excited about blowing things up than Kristi Noem's husband. Point is, surely this guy knows what's going on with this war. In fact, he's probably sitting in the Situation Room as we speak. Republican Senator Lindsey Graham spotted by TMZ at Disney World. You can see him carrying a bubble wand at the Magic Kingdom, dining at Chef Mickey's, and even in line to ride Space Mountain. Are you kidding me? Lindsey Graham went to Disney World? I know going to war with Iran was important to him, but I didn't know it was his story. Super Bowl. By the way, for any jets fans out there, the winning team at the super bowl traditionally goes to Disney World. Oh, also, the super bowl is the last game of an NFL season. You know what? We don't have time for all this. I'm sure he was there to do all the normal things adults do at Disney World, like eating your body weight in dippin dots or showing your boobs on Splash. Or maybe you went to see that new Olaf robot that everyone's talking about.
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Olaf the animatronic here at Disney had currently had its first public malfunction. Just dropping back.
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I can't believe Mitch McConnell was also at Disney. What are the odds? But if you're angry that Lindsey Graham is at the Magic Kingdom while the country is in a war he pushed for, don't worry. He has an almost plausible explanation.
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He says, look, you know, I was in Florida because I had a meeting with Steve Witkoff, one of President Trump's people, where they were talking about normaling relations between Saudi and Israel. He was in Florida on meetings and just decided to swing by Disney World.
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Just decided to swing by Disney World? No, it is impossible to swing by Disney World. Oh, babe, I'm just gonna swing by Disney World. Want me to pick you up a $30 turkey leg? I'll be back in three days. No, going to Disney without a serious plan would be like, I don't know, attacking Iran without a serious. And even Lindsey Graham knew that excuse didn't work. So he's moved on to overcompensating.
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On Twitter, he's posting photos of a different flavor. One of him in South Carolina carrying a gun.
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Oh, honey, no one's buying that. Who can tell? He's not happy out there in the woods. He wants to be where the people are. He wants to see, want to see them dancing. But clearly he felt the backlash. By the way, can we see what he was hunting out there? Unfortunately, Olaf will be replaced by his son, who is also named Olaf and who may be even more hardline than his father. Or as we call it now, regime change. Change. Let's begin with the Supreme Court. The people have ruined more women's lives than eyebrow plucking. Today, they took on a historic case to decide whether every child born in the United States is automatically an American citizen. Even kids with annoying names like Grayson or Portabella. And it's a very tricky question because on the one hand, it's been enshrined in the Constitution for 125 years, but on the other hand, Donald Trump doesn't like it. So scales of justice, and Trump is taking this case very personally.
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I'm outside of the Supreme Court in
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Washington, where President Trump has become the first sitting president to attend oral arguments
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at the Supreme Court.
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Well, that makes sense. Trump heard they'd be doing oral and was like, I'm in. Or, or maybe he was just hoping to influence the justices. He's doing this thing with John Roberts or this thing to Clarence Thomas. Unfortunately for Trump, he's not a great legal scholar, so he probably thought a Supreme Court argument was going to be like this.
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I want the truth. You can't handle the truth.
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When actually it was more like this.
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Is the application of that general rule limited only to the situations that they had in mind when they adopted the general rule? Or do we say they adopted a general rule? They meant for that to apply to later applications that might come up.
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Okay, there is no way Donald Trump was still awake at that point. Isn't this no way? I mean, isn't this the guy who fell asleep at his own criminal trial? Now, if you're wondering why birthright citizenship is such a big problem for Trump, yesterday he explained that it's all about devious people exploiting it as a loophole.
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Chinese billionaires, who are billionaires from other Countries who all of a sudden have 75 children, or 59 children in one case, or 10 children and becoming American citizens.
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Okay, big difference between 75 and 10. 10 is Mormon. 75 is a spider. Also counterpoint. Have you seen America's test scores? We need as many Chinese kids as we can get. Please bring them on. Gotta cheat off someone. But that's actually a fair point. Okay, Foreign billionaires shouldn't be able to just buy their way into citizenship. Finally, we agree on something.
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For $5 million, this could be yours. A gold card. For $5 million, you buy a path to citizenship in this country.
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See, that's weird. So Trump says he opposes birthright citizenship because he doesn't want rich people to buy their way into America, but at the same time, he wants rich people to buy their way into America. It's almost as if he's bringing up billionaires for a completely disingenuous reason. And there's some other group of people that he wants to stop from becoming citizens. Gosh, what group am I thinking of? Sorry, that was just my reminder to turn my ringer off. Anyway, I guess we'll never know. But let's move on from birthright citizenship because the President has another court case to worry about tonight.
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A federal judge putting the brakes on construction of President Trump's $400 million ballroom, declaring, the President of the United States is the steward of the White House for future generations of first families. He is not, however, the owner. It was a 35 page ruling and it was quite extraordinary in its writing.
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It had 19 exclamation points. 19 exclamation points. Who is the judge? Me. Writing a work email. The court demands an immediate halt in construction. But no worries. If not, exclamation point, sideways smiley face. I'm sorry, Donald Trump, it looks like your precious ballroom is over. There is no way around this. No loopholes here. The judge does allow that they can finish up projects so that they don't leave the site unsafe. Oh, well, sure, yeah. Of course you have to patch up the site to make it safe. I mean, what if Kristi Noem's husband tripped and fell and popped his enormous kitty? Very dangerous. But aside from that tiny safety loophole, the judge was clear. You are not allowed to build the ballroom. It's over. Even you can't talk your way into saying that this is somehow a positive for you.
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This is positive for us. I'm allowed that. Meaning we are allowed to continue building as necessary to. Let's see, what is that? To cover the safety and Security of the White House and its grounds. So it says here, very carefully, the safety and security have to be protected. Protected of the White House grounds. Well, that's what we're doing, because everything's bulletproof, glass, et cetera, et cetera. Including the ballroom.
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Son of a bitch. The judge said no ballroom. And President Amelia Bedelia took that to mean. The judge is begging us to build that ballroom, by the way. Bulletproof, et cetera, et cetera. What was the et cetera?
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It's bulletproof and it's ballistic proof. The roof is drone proof. We have secure air handling systems. We have a hospital and very major medical facilities. We have bio defense, we have bomb shelters.
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B
Okay, this is intense for a ballroom. Might I suggest if the ballroom starts expanding, experiencing ballistic assault, maybe we just cancel the ball. No worries. If not, exclamation point, hug emoji. The worst part of all this is that this ballroom isn't even his only DIY project. He's also starting a new one in Florida.
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We're getting our first look at what President Trump's presidential library could look like. The President posted the video on social media showing renderings of a skyscraper in Miami with no surprise Trump's name on it.
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B
Huh. Interesting library. Has Donald Trump ever seen a library before? Because this just looks like one of his hotels. But it's his library, right? Not a hotel.
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It's going to be most likely a hotel. It could be office, but it's most likely going to be a hotel.
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What a fitting monument to President Trump, a hotel parading as a presidential library where you can honor his legacy by cheating on your wife in the Ashley Madison suite. Guess what? All the suites are Ashley Madison. I know Trump doesn't do anything. And the traditional, whether it's governing or standing, but Trump, don't you want that classic presidential library or museum?
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I don't believe in building libraries or museums.
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Reminder. This is him announcing that he is building a library and museums. And he's like, I don't trust museums. All the little guys come to life at night and make you learn history. Honestly. Honestly, this sounds like one of the worst ideas Trump has ever had, which is not very easy. I mean, I can't think of a single good thing about this building.
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I wouldn't start until I'm out of office.
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B
Wait, you wouldn't start until you're out of office? Mr. President, we need this library that is mostly a hotel as soon as possible. You should leave office and start building it right now. We can't wait a second longer. In fact, you might. You might even need help. Bring JD with you. He can supervise. And yes, yes, we are losing your administration, but we are gaining so much more in Hotel Brary. No worries. If not, fingers crossed. Emoji.
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Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. Plus, this has been a Comedy Central podcast morning run. Level it up. TikTok has pacing tips, breathing drills, recovery hacks from 5K to marathon. Real runners, real progress. Train smarter, not longer. Download TikTok now.