This Week's News | Jon Stewart on the Trump-Pope Beef & Ronny Chieng on JD Vance's TPUSA Flop

Summary

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The Daily Show: Ears Edition

Episode Summary: "This Week's News | Jon Stewart on the Trump-Pope Beef & Ronny Chieng on JD Vance's TPUSA Flop"
Release Date: April 18, 2026
Host and Correspondents: Trevor Noah, Jordan Klepper, Michael Kosta

Episode Overview

This episode delivers The Daily Show’s signature satirical analysis of the week’s most absurd and explosive news, focusing on the bizarre feud between President Donald Trump and Pope Leo XIV, the chaotic state of U.S. foreign policy, embarrassing gaffes by Vice President J.D. Vance, and the rising use of propaganda memes in the U.S.-Iran conflict. With sharp comedic banter and mock incredulity, Trevor Noah, Jordan Klepper, and Michael Kosta dissect the hyperbolic headlines and political theater, exposing the dysfunction and surrealism prevailing in American politics and abroad.

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Key Topics & Segments

1. The Trump-Pope Beef

Timestamp: 00:49–03:29, 39:52–41:51

• The episode kicks off with the panel reading a message of peace from Pope Leo XIV, which Trump immediately rebuffed with an aggressive Truth Social post, branding the Pope “weak and a loser.”
• Satirical speculation about Trump's reaction:

  “What did the Pope say he wants? What? Dialogue, Peace. He wants to choose the noblest aspirations of mankind… That loser.” — Trevor Noah (01:45)

• Commentary on the irony of both Trump and the Catholic Church being historically invested in “covering up sex scandals.”
• The already-unlikely Trump vs. Pope clash escalates when Trump posts an AI-generated image depicting himself as Jesus, causing backlash among Christians and prompting JD Vance to defend Trump.

Notable Quotes:

• “By the way, Trump's comments about the Pope upset a lot of people of Christian faith. But please don't worry, it gets worse.” — Trevor Noah (02:05)
• “The Pope's job is to preach the gospel. When the Pope says that God is never on the side of those who wield the sword…it's very, very important for the Pope to be careful when he talks about matters of theology.” — Michael Kosta (as VP JD Vance), critiquing the Pope (40:21)

2. AI Jesus, Memes, and Trump’s Self-Obsession

Timestamp: 03:29–07:33, 41:51–43:42

• Trump’s increasingly bizarre social media posts, including AI art of himself as Jesus and a series of implausible explanations, mockingly explored:

  “You put yourself out there as Jesus. You got fucking, and now you're like, God, do you even care about lying to us anymore?” — Trevor Noah (07:38)

• The correspondents skewer J.D. Vance's attempts to rationalize the situation, blurring lines between irony and serious defense.
• AI-generated memes weaponized in the U.S.-Iran information war, including videos of Jesus attacking Trump, with even Pentagon officials forced to comment.

Notable Quotes:

• “Nothing will ease religious tensions like posting an image of Jesus giving you a handjob.” — Jordan Klepper (42:03)
• “What does the Pentagon think of Iran's AI video where Jesus kills Trump and tosses into hell?... As far as a video like that, of course, that's disgusting and detached from reality.” — Michael Kosta and Jordan Klepper, parodying a press briefing (47:31)

3. U.S.-Iran War & Botched Diplomacy

Timestamp: 10:46–18:36, 42:03–49:00

• Trump’s antagonistic posture toward Iran, the failed high-stakes negotiations—delegated to an underqualified J.D. Vance as key U.S. envoy, who leaves after less than a day of talks.
• Absurdities escalate as both Trump and his Secretary of State are found attending a UFC fight instead of crisis negotiations.
• The episode parodies the “accomplishments” of U.S. foreign policy, with disastrous consequences for the global economy, including oil shortages and strange energy rationing stories from South and East Asia.

Notable Quotes:

• “You went home and didn't even get a deal? It failed. And you just came home? Well, I'm sorry. Don't be too hard on yourself. You did give it almost a day.” — Trevor Noah (16:14)
• “Are we ever gonna get this Hormuz straight? I'm telling you, man, it's all starting to fall apart in Maga world.” — Trevor Noah (18:13)

4. J.D. Vance's International Embarrassments

Timestamp: 18:36–21:05, 37:37–39:52

• Reports of J.D. Vance “shitting the bed” at international peace talks, then bombing in Europe trying (and failing) to help Viktor Orban retain power.
• Humiliating details of JD Vance’s calls to Trump during Hungarian elections, met with literal voicemail.
• Vance’s attempts to shore up youth support at a nearly-empty TPUSA event; his condescending appeal to “take the country back from yourself” lampooned by the correspondents.

Notable Quotes:

• “J.D. vance has the same relationship with President Trump that we have with Comcast customer service.” — Trevor Noah (19:33)
• “You are a competent, unlikable cytoplasmic apparition of a meatbag.” — Trevor Noah’s biting riff on Vance (16:14)

5. Other Administration Oddities: Teleportation at FEMA & Podcast Madness

Timestamp: 26:33–32:24

• HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. launches a podcast, drawing jeers about his voice and purpose ("talking about the government’s problems on the podcast. Maybe after you do that, you could… fix it. Cause you’re the government now!” — Jordan Klepper 27:31).
• FEMA's Greg Phillips claims to have teleported—often to Waffle Houses and ditches—trading normalcy for a level of government surrealism the hosts can barely satirize.
• FEMA staff regard him as their “best hope,” reflecting the administration’s inverted standards for competence.

6. Miscellaneous Satirical Hits

Timestamp: 33:36–39:04

• Former President Biden’s public gaffes; “at least you hope he pointed to an actual black guy when calling someone Barack Obama” (Jordan Klepper 34:17).
• Trump’s questionable health myths about Diet Coke; Don Jr. laughs off bizarre diet theories.
• Jabbing at the current state of “establishment” Republicans who still portray themselves as anti-Establishment.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Trump’s Jesus Complex:

  “You're gonna have to be fat Jesus. Sorry, Chubbs, that's me entering the program now.” — Trevor Noah (06:30)

• On Peace Negotiations:

  “These negotiations couldn't be more critical. We're going to need everybody. Bunny, pack your eggs. We're going to Pakistan.” — Trevor Noah (12:07)

• On J.D. Vance’s Influence:

  “Give her another go.” — Michael Kosta cues another failed phone call (20:16)

• On Administrative Chaos:

  “The Waffle House teleportation guy might be the most competent person in FEMA right now.” — Jordan Klepper (32:24)

• On Global Consequences:

  “This shows you what life is like for other countries in a world dominated by America. We start a war, and now everyone else has to have swamp ass.” — Trevor Noah (44:53)

• On Meme Warfare:

  “Memes are weapons now.” — Jordan Klepper (48:41)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:49 – Pope’s message of peace, Trump attacks the Pope
• 03:29 – Trump’s AI Jesus post and Christian backlash
• 07:33 – Trump’s shifting explanations and JD Vance defense
• 10:46 – Iran negotiations and breakdown
• 16:13 – JD Vance leaves Islamabad & failed peace deal
• 18:36 – Viktor Orban’s defeat; JD’s role in Hungary
• 24:26 – VP Vance tries to dismiss Trump’s Jesus post
• 26:33 – Podcasts & FEMA teleportation stories
• 34:17 – Biden’s public blunders
• 35:42 – Trump’s Diet Coke theory
• 37:37 – TPUSA event, JD Vance struggles with young voters
• 39:52 – Reexamining the Trump-Pope dynamic
• 41:51 – More AI Trump-Jesus art, meme warfare expands
• 42:03 – 47:31 – Oil crisis/global energy crunch; Defense Press Conference
• 48:41 – Rise of meme warfare in US-Iran conflict

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Overall Tone and Style

The episode brims with cutting sarcasm, relentless mockery, and the surreal energy that typifies The Daily Show’s late-stage political comedy. The tone is both exhausted and defiant, reveling in the absurd—whether from the teeth-grittingly incompetent Vance, the meme-crazed President, or the world’s incongruous crises. The hosts mix gallows humor and moments of genuine hope, especially in their closing comments on the defeat of Orban and the incremental erosion of “MAGA invincibility,” urging listeners not to “give in to the sadness” and to look for sporadic signs of progress.

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For listeners seeking a breakdown, this episode is a whirlwind tour of the week’s political farce, highlighting how social media, artificial intelligence, and rank incompetence now define the American and global stage—with stone-faced jokes barely keeping up with events that veer into self-parody.

Transcript

[Trevor Noah]

You're listening to Comedy Central. Later on, I'll be talking to peace activists Aziz Abu Sara and Meoz Inan. They are a Palestinian and an Israeli who traveled their homeland and I assume walked into a bar with the Pope. Honestly, it is an. It's an incredible book about two men touched by tragedy who try to rise above this conflict to find reconciliation and healing. It's a message of compassion shared by many in the world today, including Chicago born Villanova educated Pope Leo xiv.

[Jordan Klepper]

Let those who have the power to

[Michael Kosta]

unleash wars choose peace. Not a peace imposed by force, but through dialogue.

[Trevor Noah]

Ah, look who became Pope and suddenly became too good for English. But still a beautiful, compassionate message that I cannot imagine. Anyone, really. Anyone? Anyone I can't think of. It does not come into my brain that anyone in the world hearing the Pope's message of peace will have some kind of a weird problem with it overnight.

[Jordan Klepper]

President Trump lashing out at Pope Leo on truth social, calling the first American

[Trevor Noah]

Pope weak and a loser. I am really starting to sour on this president. What is going through Trump's mind? What did the Pope say he wants? What? Dialogue, Peace. He wants to choose the noblest aspirations of mankind, to show humanity its greatest articulation. That loser. That guy's a loser. That guy who died and made him. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, that's who died. Okay. Oh, really? There was a vote. White smoke. Interesting. Fair enough. Interesting. Hold on. Yeah, I'm gonna have to call you back. Okay. And look, President Trump, I know the Vatican's been critical of your policies, but you gotta remember that at the end of the day, you and the Catholic Church both, Both historically care deeply about the same thing. Covering up sex scandals. By the way, Trump's comments about the Pope upset a lot of people of Christian faith. But please don't worry, it gets worse.

[Jordan Klepper]

In a separate social media message, the President shared an image of himself in a religious scene that appears to depict Trump as Jesus.

[Trevor Noah]

Oh, my God. Wait, the guy in the bed. Can I just. Are you. Am I okay? What the. Wait, what? How did. I mean, look, I know I don't have the vigor and spunk of my MTV days, but I didn't know we were here already. I didn't realize my look had reached leper territory. I mean, from the picture, it looks like it was touch and go with me for a while, but thank God, in my time of need, I was surrounded by family. There's my darling wife, Amy Lynn. Hands clasped in prayer. My brother, Sergeant Chisel Jaw. Oh, look in the back, there's Pappy Jo. He and I stormed the Capitol together, me and Patty Joe. Then up at the top there, there's the eagle that delivers my mail. And apparently the lead singer of GWAR is in the middle of there. If you look at just the bottom there, it looks like there's just a guy's hand. Not mine, just some other guy's hand. Seems to be taking advantage of my infirm. Touch my penis. I don't know why this is freaking me the out. Meanwhile, the whole thing happening outside the Wash Hole eye of daytime fireworks. You know, I'm just glad that Jesus Trump brought his healing orb. By the way, can I tell you my favorite thing about this picture? Like, I like how there's only so much AI can do. Like, AI is like, look, I can give you the fireworks and the healing powers and I can make you Jesus, but you weigh what you weigh. Sorry, it just is what it is. I, I listen, I plugged in all this shit. Give me the flag. Make me Jesus. Do the eagles. And then he was like, and make me 185. And I'm like, can't do it. You're gonna have to be fat Jesus. Sorry, Chubbs, that's me entering the program now. Apparently, not everyone in the Christian community took too kindly to Trump portraying himself this way. And the backlash was bad enough that Trump was forced to come up with his own incredibly plausible cover story.

[Jordan Klepper]

Mr. President, did you post that picture of yourself depicted as Jesus Christ?

[Trevor Noah]

Well, it wasn't depict, it was me. I did post it and I thought it was me as a doctor. That's you as a doctor. Oh, I'm sorry. What's this? Urgent care? Is that an urgent care? Is that what that is? Why don't you own it, you big push bag? You put yourself out there as Jesus. You got fucking, and now you're like, God, do you even care about lying to us anymore? Is it over? Is this relationship gone stale? Your lies used to have a real spark. They're eating the cats and dogs. Venezuela stole the 2020 election, and now the best you've got is, oh, no, your guy wasn't Jesus. I'm a doctor. You need to find your happy place and fast. We expect better lies, sir. And can I just remind you, Mr. President, we're in the middle of a grinding war with Iran. Can you just address that in a straightforward way with the American people without all this other weird shit going on? Can you just do that once? I don't think it gets much more hostile than Iran, they're capable fighters. They're very tough people. And there are others like that. You don't mind when the enemy is weak, but that enemy is strong. You guys see the rabbit too, right? I've been. You see it? Oh, thank God. I'm so glad they see it. You know, clearly, I've been on a lot of leprosy meds, so I don'. A lot of hallucinations and shit. By the way, the surreal image of the President running through his cavalcade of grievances next to the Easter Bunny was not exclusive to the Balcony. Poor Peter Cottontail had to listen to this bullshit all day. We've broken every record on the stock market, we've broken every record in our military. And we are the most respected country anywhere in the world with the greatest military. Mr. Jameson Greer, have you heard? He's right here. Come on over here.

[Jordan Klepper]

How are we doing on trade?

[Trevor Noah]

It's a big country. They can't fight back. They have no capability. NATO should be ashamed of themselves. This is about eggs. Eggs. I'm sorry, that's insane. I can't help it. If Jesus came back to see the White House Easter event, he'd be like, I think you may have misunderstood my message. At one point, the show the Easter Bunny got so bad you're not sure if it was an episode of the Office. Did anybody in the egg industry vote for Kamala?

[Jordan Klepper]

A low IQ person.

[Trevor Noah]

She's a low IQ person. In the middle of it, the Easter Bunny does. He landed it. And his eyes don't move, his head is immobile and he still landed the. You believe this fucking world? How up do you have to be for an adult in a bunny suit to go, all right, now I'm embarrassed. But back to Iran. If you remember correctly, about a week ago, Donald Trump had given Iran a deadline to open up the Strait of Hormuz or face the end of their civilization. And while Iran neither opened up the Strait of Hormuz or faced the end of their civilization, they did agree to a two week ceasefire and to meet in Islamabad, Pakistan to talk. Let's go there now.

[Michael Kosta]

The fate of the U. S. Iran war is hanging in the balance.

[Trevor Noah]

The collective world holding its breath.

[Michael Kosta]

Highest stakes talks between the US And Iran in many years.

[Jordan Klepper]

In the balance, the lives of millions of people across the Middle east and the fate of the global economy.

[Trevor Noah]

My God. These negotiations couldn't be more critical. We're going to need everybody. Bunny, pack your eggs. We're going to Pakistan. But what luck for the United States. Because what Iran might not realize is our president is the greatest negotiator in the history of his book. We are talking about this year's recipient of the FIFA Peace Prize and some gold thing from Apple. And they don't just give those to anyone. I had the inflection wrong. They don't give those to anyone. I would have loved to see those Iran negotiators faces when the formidable negotiator in chief, Donald Jehoshapheffer Trump entered those talks on Saturday in Islamabad. Unfortunately, he couldn't make it because I shit you not, he went to a UFC fight with Dana White. Now, before you criticize the President of the United States for attending a UFC fight around the same time that America and Iran are locked in high stakes negotiations in Islamabad, you do have to understand he had fantastic seats. Like, super close, like, uncomfortably weird and close. You're a beautiful guy, great fighter. Thanks. He'll give you a hug. You look so good. You're too good looking to be a fighter. You are so fighter. Thank you, man. Hey, one last thing. You wouldn't mind trying on a bunny suit, would you, with that? That's. Oh, now let's. Let's see where those eggs come out of. I don't really understand Easter, but it. It's fine. The President didn't need to be an Islamabad. I'm sure he can delegate some of the heavy lifting to his accomplished Secretary of State, Marco Rubio, who. Oh, he's also at the fight. Come on. And by the way, what in the pit bull are those? Hand signals? No disrespect to Marco repping the 305, but if Trump isn't in Islamabad and Marco Rubio isn't in Islamabad, who exactly is in Islamabad handling these extremely delicate negotiations?

[Michael Kosta]

Hey, guys, good morning. Thanks for coming.

[Trevor Noah]

No, Jane Dolores Vance, you. World peace depends on chubby face Muldoon. Well, all right, fine. I remain open minded. Let's set the scene. Obviously, the last Iran agreement took the Obama administration 20 months to negotiate. And this time there's a wide gap between the US position and the Iranian position. The US Is asking for an unconditional surrender. Iran is asking for control of the Strait of Hormuz, nuclear enrichment and money. I'm glad the Pakistanis are setting the stage for what will be extensive and grueling talks.

[Jordan Klepper]

The host country declaring a national holiday, implementing a lockdown in the capital of Islamabad. The Pakistani government welcomed both delegations with

[Trevor Noah]

flowers as they both got off the plane.

[Jordan Klepper]

The building was decked out in branding. There were Signs that read Islamabad Talks. Reporters were offered specially branded brewed for peace coffee.

[Trevor Noah]

Peace talks have a signature cocktail. Are the countries registered? You know, I apologize. I'm sorry. Respect Pakistan for taking this seriously and for locking the U.S. and Iran in for the long haul.

[Jordan Klepper]

U.S. vice President J.D.

[Trevor Noah]

vance and his delegation are headed home. What? It's over already? Oh, my God. Did JG Vance just nail this in a. Did JD Vance just. Rubik's Cube World peace? Just Zapa ba boom? You know what, J.D. vance, I owe you an apology. I thought you were some kind of incompetent, unlikable, cytoplasmic apparition of a meat bag filled with cynical ambition, a cipher whose only principle is devotion to power. But you're not that at all. You are a competent, unlikable cytoplasmic apparition of a meatbag. US officials say there's no deal following 16 hours of negotiations with Iran. Wait. And you didn't even get. Wait, you went home and didn't even get a deal? It failed. And you just came home? Well, I'm sorry. Don't be too hard on yourself. You did give it almost a day. I mean, we all knew that's what it took to build Rome. Jesus. Couldn't you have just thrown down some of that peace coffee and pulled an all nighter? No, let's resume in the morning and build on some momentum. Just. I gotta go. I don't want to miss Euphoria. At least tell us after all this, there were some concessions. You got the Strait of Hormuz open.

[Jordan Klepper]

President Trump announcing today a US Military

[Trevor Noah]

blockade of all ships passing through the Strait of Hormuz. Now we're blocking it. What kind of up, Godfather? You think you're gonna close the straight? No, no, my friend. We're closing the straight. You think you can kick me in the balls?

[Jordan Klepper]

No.

[Trevor Noah]

Watch this. Are we ever gonna get this Hormuz straight? I'm telling you, man, it's all starting to fall apart in Maga world. The whole thing spread too thin. Even Trump's overseas allies are in trouble.

[Michael Kosta]

Viktor Orban, one of President Trump's closest allies in Europe, is facing his toughest challenge as he tries to win a fifth term as prime minister.

[Trevor Noah]

Well, no, no, that should be a problem. We all know Trump is the endorser in chief. He shows up to a rally, almost inevitably, that person gets elected. Is Trump going to head to Hungary to prop up his boy Orban? I mean, who else could you send?

[Michael Kosta]

Hey, guys. Good morning.

[Trevor Noah]

No. Yes. Apparently a couple of days Before JD Vance shit the bed in his llama bot, he took a practice crap in Budapest.

[Jordan Klepper]

JD Vance treated the crowd to a phone call. Live from Donald Trump. Here's how it all played out.

[Michael Kosta]

I actually had a special guest that asked that I give him a phone call and we'll see. Let's hope he actually answers. This is gonna be very embarrassing. All right, I'm sorry.

[Trevor Noah]

The person you were trying to reach has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet. Okay. Wow. J.D. vance has the same relationship with President Trump that we have with Comcast customer service. That's incredible. Can I tell you my favor? Part of the whole thing was the sort of Vegas magician part at the beginning with the phone. Hey, I've got a special friend. But JD you flew all the way over there. Give her another go.

[Michael Kosta]

Okay, try, try one more time. I get a good signal here. It's ringing. It's progress, Mr. President. You are on with about 5,000 Hungarian patriots. And I think they love you even more than they love Viktor Orban.

[Trevor Noah]

Oh, my God, you ass kissing, cytoplasmic. Blah, blah, blah. What I said earlier. God. But you know what? I'm sure that by pulling out the big gun, having Donald Trump and J.D. vance throw all of the American power behind Viktor Orban is sure to pay dividends.

[Jordan Klepper]

Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban was voted

[Michael Kosta]

out of power in a massive landslide.

[Trevor Noah]

And seen. Please, God, let the dam be breaking. Folks, This has been a truly shit year as we have all been at the mercy of the mercurial whims of a megalomaniacal man, baby. And we are tired. The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the people. But I'm telling you, there is hope. The air of Donald Trump's invincibility is being slowly eroded by world events and his own heart's ability to clear liquid from his capillaries. That's why Bunch is at the bottom. But we cannot give in to the sadness. We must embrace these moments of light and hope and oxygen. Even Maga is beginning to realize the depths of this man's depravity. No matter how much we love the person, he's healing. And I do appreciate, and to the dismay of Donald Trump and his acolytes, an illiberal autocrat who controlled the media, stacked the judiciary and manipulated the electoral process of his country has been crushed because the people of Hungary stood up and said this. We must remember these moments of hope. Going to show you something. These are Hungarians. It's not where we are right Now, But I am starting to believe it is where we could be soon. Drink in their jubilation, take solace and strength from their joy. All right, that might be a little much, but you know what? Sure it dance like that. And remember, as we grind through these next two and a half years, it ain't over till the Freddie Mercury sings. Amazon presents Jeff vs. Taco Truck Salsa.

[Michael Kosta]

Whether it's verde roja or the orange

[Trevor Noah]

one, for Jeff versus trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flamethrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea and milk. Habanero. More like habanero. Yes. Save the everyday with Amazon.

[Jordan Klepper]

Let's start with Vice President J.D. vance. He had to come out yesterday to defend President Trump from all the woke Christians who are trying to cancel him just because he might have said, I am Jesus. Okay? Hey, get over it, snowflakes. Where in the Trump Bible does it say you can't worship false idols? So poor JD Vance had to come out and explain why. You don't get it.

[Michael Kosta]

I think the President was posting a joke. And of course, he took it down because he recognized that a lot of people weren't understanding his humor. In that case.

[Jordan Klepper]

Shut up. Shut up. It was a joke. What's the matter, you guys don't have jokes at Jesus camp? Everyone knows Trump posted this picture to be funny, right?

[Trevor Noah]

I did post it, and I thought it was me as a doctor.

[Jordan Klepper]

Wait, what do you mean, a doctor? Okay, well, make up your mind. Is it a doctor or is it a joke? Or is it a doctor who is a joke? Like a chiropractor? I don't.

[Trevor Noah]

I don't know.

[Jordan Klepper]

Anyway, look, the point is, all these Christians need to get off Trump's back. Even Pope Leo is going around criticizing Trump and Catholic J.D. vance had to take him to Sunday school.

[Michael Kosta]

I certainly think that in some cases, it would be best for the Vatican to stick to matters of morality, to stick to matters of. Of, you know, what's going on in the Catholic Church and let the President of the United States stick to dictating American public policy.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah, stop getting all high and mighty. The Pope. J.D. vance just told the Pope to shut up and dribble. Look, look, it's high enough being the Pope without having this guy telling you how to do your job. I mean, think about it. The Pope has to wear white all the time and eat Italian food. I mean, it's. It's a miracle he isn't saying every Mass coven marinara. But let's move on because there's a Trump administration official starting a podcast. And if you're hoping it's one of the ones with a voice that doesn't sound like shit, think again.

[Trevor Noah]

US Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. Has announced he is launching a new podcast. I'm Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. Your HHS secretary. This podcast is about telling the truth, especially when it's uncomfortable.

[Jordan Klepper]

I'm uncomfortable already. I can't think of anyone less suited to an audio centric medium. Although, actually, maybe that's how they'll make money. I mean, DraftKings is gonna pay to not have ads on it. I can't wait for his first guest. The jackhammer outside your apartment building at 6am

[Trevor Noah]

but what.

[Jordan Klepper]

What's this podcast about exactly?

[Trevor Noah]

I'm gonna ask the questions and lift the taboos and expose the hypocrisy and the conflicts and the corruption. We're gonna follow the evidence wherever it leads, and we're gonna name the names of the forces that obstruct the past of public health.

[Jordan Klepper]

Wow, cool. You're gonna talk about the government's problems on the podcast. That's great. And maybe after you do that, you could, I don't know, maybe send an email to yourself to fix it. Cause. Cause you're the government now,

[Trevor Noah]

remember? That's.

[Jordan Klepper]

That's your job. That's your job. What's episode two about? Why are government employees starting podcasts instead of working? I invested. Investigate. And finally, let's turn to Greg Phillips, the head of FEMA's Office of Response and Recovery. Now, in a normal administration, we would go the entire presidency without ever knowing who's the head of FEMA's Office of Response and Recovery. But, you know, this is Trump. So instead we get shit like this. Greg Phillips, he was on a podcast in January of last year during which

[Trevor Noah]

he claimed more than once that he's teleported, including one time to a Waffle House.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, wait, wait, hang on, wait. Just. Time out in America. Give me a timeout here. This dude teleported to Waffle House. Okay, look, he must be joking, right? You know, like when you tell everyone that you're Jesus, it's just a joke.

[Trevor Noah]

I was with my boys one time and. And I was telling I was going to go to Waffle House and get waffles. And. And I ended up at a Waffle House, this is in Georgia. And I end up at a Waffle House, like 50 miles away from where I was. They said, where are you? I said, a Waffle House. They Said waffle House? Where? And I said, waffle House in Rome, Georgia. I said, that's not possible. You just left here? Like, one. Way to go.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay. Wow. I never thought I'd hear a boring teleportation story, but. This is. This guy's. Like, I told my boys I was going to a Waffle House, but instead I ended up at a different Waffle House. Universe works in mysterious ways. You have the power of teleportation, but you use it to go to Waffle House. I mean,

[Trevor Noah]

That's.

[Jordan Klepper]

That's like if you invented time travel, and instead of going back in time to kill Hitler, you went back in time to kill the cashier at Waffle House. Surely there was another place you teleport besides Waffle House.

[Trevor Noah]

I was on the phone, oh, my God, what's happening? And I was. And I was landed and landed about 40 miles away in a ditch outside of a Baptist church.

[Jordan Klepper]

It's amazing. Teleport. A Waffle House, a ditch. This guy teleports to all the exact places you end up when you're blackout drunk.

[Trevor Noah]

How?

[Jordan Klepper]

That's just incredible. I mean, Tiger woods is like, yeah, that happened to me, too. Yeah, Yeah, I just teleported into an upside down car. And here's how crazy this story is. Even Donald Trump heard it and was like, this is crazy. So CNN's Andrew Kaczynski called the President to ask about all this. The president's first response was, quote, was he kidding? When Andrew said no, the president said this, Quote, I don't know anything about teleporting.

[Michael Kosta]

It just sounds a little strange.

[Jordan Klepper]

But I know nothing about teleporting or him. But I'll find out about it right now. The President is on it. He. Trump's gonna find out about it right now because. Because if there's a way to bend the laws of the universe to get waffles quickly, Trump will find it. Now, you're probably probably thinking it would be incredibly irresponsible to allow this guy to keep working at fema. Well, call M. Night Charlemagne, because here comes a twist that doesn't make any sense at all. Despite all of this, multiple FEMA officials

[Michael Kosta]

told us that his performance had eased some of their concerns about his lack of experience. One official even described him as FEMA's best hope, saying they couldn't believe that they were actually saying that.

[Jordan Klepper]

Look, of course they like him at work, all right? He can go on a waffle run in seconds, but that tells you all you need to know about the Trump administration, okay? The Waffle House teleportation guy might be the most competent person in FEMA right now.

[Trevor Noah]

Hey, sweetie. Your mother showed me this Carvana thing for selling the car. I'm gonna give it a try. Wish me luck. Me again. I put in the license plate. It gave me an offer. Unbelievable. Okay, I accepted the offer. They're picking it up Tuesday from the driveway. I haven't even left my chair. It's done. The car is gone. I'm holding a check anyway. Carvana, give it a whirl. Love ya.

[Jordan Klepper]

So good, you'll want to leave a voicemail about it.

[Trevor Noah]

Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up.

[Jordan Klepper]

Fees may apply.

[Trevor Noah]

Stitch Fix Shopping is hard.

[Jordan Klepper]

Let's talk about it.

[Michael Kosta]

I don't have time to shop, so I buy all my clothes where I buy my seafood.

[Jordan Klepper]

I just want someone to tell me

[Trevor Noah]

what shirt goes with what pants.

[Jordan Klepper]

I just want jeans that fit.

[Trevor Noah]

Stitch Fix makes shopping easy.

[Jordan Klepper]

Just show your size, style, and budget,

[Trevor Noah]

and your stylist sends personalized looks right to your door.

[Jordan Klepper]

No subscription required, plus free shipping and returns.

[Michael Kosta]

Man, that was easy.

[Jordan Klepper]

That look good.

[Trevor Noah]

Stitch Fix online personal stylist.

[Jordan Klepper]

Take your style quiz [e-mail]. do you guys remember how before we had a president who was an old man who said crazy things? We had a president who was an old man who said crazy things. Well, Joe Biden's not the president anymore, but he is still very old.

[Trevor Noah]

At an event at Syracuse University yesterday, former president Joe Biden called out a man who. Who he thought looked like Barack Obama. And by the way, I always want to turn around one guy and say, barack, what are you doing? Come here, come here, come here, come here, come here.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, no. How bad is this gonna be? Like, I hope he's not just pointing to some black guy, but. But I also hope it's at least a black guy. You know what I mean? Like, oh, my God, please let him look like Obama. Please let him look like Obama.

[Trevor Noah]

I feel like he should be standing

[Jordan Klepper]

on the right and I should be

[Trevor Noah]

standing on the left.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, thank God. Close enough. I mean, I'm not. I'm not saying he looks a lot like Obama, but it's in the ballpark. I thought for sure it was gonna be like Lil Wayne or something. In fact, I don't know how to explain this, but somehow that guy looks more like Obama than Joe Biden. Looks like Joe Biden. But still, what a high risk, low reward move that was. I mean, at best, the audience is like, oh, yeah, I guess I can. And at worst is they send you off to a nursing home for racists. Speaking of a nursing home for racists, let's check in with the White House to see how our. To see how our current president is doing. Good thing America's preeminent TV doctor, Dr. Oz, is keeping an eye on Trump's health.

[Trevor Noah]

Your dad argues that diet soda is good for him because it kills grass. It's poured on grass, so therefore it must kill cancer cells inside the body so he'll try to please. I think.

[Jordan Klepper]

Diet Coke kills grass, so Diet Coke must be good for me. Is a crazy theory like this kills plants, so safe to assume it'll kill cancer cells and not everything else in my body is flawless logic. Also, why does he think that diet soda kills grass? That's not a thing. Like, are we sure he hasn't accidentally been drinking Roundup? Like, that would explain a lot, actually. By the way, I love how Don Jr just laughs at this. Like, if someone told me this about my dad, I'd be concerned. But Don Junior's just like, oh, yeah, yeah, my dad's brain sure is bad. But let's move on, because having a body that's 80% Diet Coke isn't Trump's only problem right now. Recent polls show that young Republicans are starting to turn on Trump, especially over the war with Iran. But Donald Trump is not worried because he's got the one guy who has the riz to Trump. Max Gen Z. Again, we're talking about Vice President J.D. vance. Yesterday he went to a TP USA event and just look at the packed crowd that came out to see him. Oh, my God. Have you ever seen such a handful of people? Very nice. Of Turning point to institute Covid rules six years too late. But JD. But J.D. vance managed to inspire the crowd with his stirring message of Please don't leave me.

[Michael Kosta]

I recognize that a lot of young voters don't love the policy that we have in the Middle East. Okay, I understand that. What I'm saying is don't get disengaged because you disagree with the administration on one topic. Get more involved. Make your voice heard even more. That's how we ultimately take the country back.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah, that's right. J.D. it's time to take the country back from yourself. Like what? What are you talking about? Take. Taking back from what? But Republicans have everything. Republicans control the Congress, the White House, the Supreme Court, old media, social media. You even took a Kennedy. I mean, I mean, you can keep him, but you still took him at this point, right? You're Fighting the establishment. You are the establishment, buddy. I think at this point, liberals are like, all we have left is blue sky. And we hate that. But young conservatives aren't just mad at Trump because of the war. They're also mad about the thing he started the war to distract us from the Epstein files. Yeah. Remember that? Yeah. Well, you know what? The streets still have questions, but J.D. vance tried to bail Trump out of that one too.

[Michael Kosta]

When Donald Trump says, When the President says this is a hoax, he's not saying it's a hoax that Epstein was the scumbag. He's saying this democratic idea that somehow he was Epstein's best friend. Jeffrey Epstein hated Donald Trump and Donald Trump hated Jeffrey Epstein.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trump and Epstein always hated each other. We all remember that famous video of them.

[Trevor Noah]

Everyone here is my friend except you.

[Jordan Klepper]

I hate you. I hate you too.

[Trevor Noah]

You're a sick pervert.

[Jordan Klepper]

I hate you so much.

[Trevor Noah]

Go. Leave.

[Jordan Klepper]

Kill yourself. Case closed.

[Trevor Noah]

But the.

[Jordan Klepper]

But the big issue JD Vance had to address was Donald Trump's week long beef with the Pope, which is a completely normal sentence in 2026. You see, the Pope's position is that peace is good and Donald Trump's position is that he is Jesus Christ. So JD Vance had to go out there in front of literally dozens of people and try to argue that the Pope was wrong and AI Jesus was right.

[Michael Kosta]

The Pope's job is to preach the gospel. When the Pope says that God is never on the side of those who wield the sword. There is a thousand year, more than a thousand year tradition of just war theory. Was God on the side of the Americans who liberated France from the Nazis? I think it's very, very important for the Pope to be careful when he talks about matters of theology.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah, shut up, shut up, shut up. He's right. You gotta be careful when you talk about theology. Pope. Let, let me remind you guys that what the Pope basically said was, war is bad. That's not controversial, all right? It's literally the Pope's job to say things like that. That's like if Miss America wished for world peace and J.D. vance burst on stage and was like, oh yeah, even with Hitler. Stay in your lane, bitch. This is why I don't get about guys like J.D. okay. How come you have no problem when the Pope weighs in on abortion policy, but when he weighs in on your foreign policy, you freak out? I mean, wasn't assassinating the Ayatollah just a very, very, very late term abortion? I mean, the man was in his 258th trimester, right? But fine, the Pope said his thing, JD Vance said his thing, and let's just put this thing to bed, okay? No more Jesus.

[Michael Kosta]

President Trump just posted or reposted on

[Jordan Klepper]

his social media site a new image. The one today is him with Jesus.

[Michael Kosta]

I think we have this here.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah, great. That will calm things down. Nothing will ease religious tensions like posting an image of Jesus giving you a handjob. Let's start with the Strait of Hormuz. Much like clavicular, we all found out it exists two months ago, and now people won't shut the up about it. Well, we have an update. It's still closed. No one can get oil. Cause turns out this thing we never heard of was the choke point for the entire planet. Whoops. There are long lineups for fuel from Pakistan to Cambodia to Vietnam.

[Trevor Noah]

Sri Lanka shortened work weeks to save electricity.

[Jordan Klepper]

In Bangladesh, the energy crisis has forced universities to close. In South Korea, people are being asked to take shorter showers. Okay, not cool, South Korea. Times of global unrest are when people need to jerk off in the shower the most. And the war is not just making it harder to get clean, It's. It's making it harder to be dead. In Thailand, the strict measures have prevented this temple from refilling its tanks, meaning they would have to suspend cremations. Are you telling me Thailand is filling up with dead bodies? Well, nobody tell RFK Jr. Did anyone call dibs on this? And while Thailand can't set fire to its dead people, it also can't cool down its living ones.

[Trevor Noah]

The Thai government has ordered government employees

[Jordan Klepper]

to lower office air conditioning to save energy. During a morning show segment, Thai TV news anchors ditched their suit jackets on air. Let's just take it off so we can set an example of how to save energy, too. By wearing less clothing. It can help with our moods and the coping with the weather. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of hot in here. Let's take off our jackets, Betty.

[Trevor Noah]

Oh.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, what's that? Breaking news. Looks like we have to shower together, too, just to save water. Curse this war, actually. Oh, my God. I just realized this whole oil crisis is gonna end with me seeing Wolf Blitzer's dick. This shows you what life is like for other countries in a world dominated by America. We start a war, and now everyone else has to have swamp ass. But, hey, if it's any solace to the rest of the world, I'm sure the American economy is suffering just as much.

[Trevor Noah]

The American stock market just hit a record high. Isn't that Something.

[Jordan Klepper]

That's right. The American stock market is as high as ever, thanks to the investment strategy of La la la la la. Everything's fine. Money, money, money, money. The stock market is like America's Instagram. No matter what's really going on in your life, always looks good on the stock market. Hey, happy anniversary, baby. Our marriage is perfect, and we definitely are sleeping in the same room. For most of the world, this war cannot end soon enough. And today we got an update from Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense and worst part of every Hooters waitress day, he. Yeah, Hooters. He came out at a press conference this morning, and you can tell he's laser focused on defeating Iran.

[Michael Kosta]

A note to the press, to the press corps, to the American media, as I just can't help but notice the endless stream of garbage, the relentlessly negative coverage.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, right. Well, no, obviously he has to defeat the American media first, but then Iran. In the press, you only seek the

[Michael Kosta]

negative earning each and every day, the fake news label.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, okay, I get it. We suck. We suck. Fine. Okay. But what about the Hormuz?

[Michael Kosta]

Sometimes it's hard to figure out what side some of you are actually on. It's incredibly unpatriotic. Where's the coverage of the new spirit in the country?

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah, yeah, you stupid fake news media. Show some headlines about spirit in America. Like, how about Spirit airlines may have to liquidate due to rising fuel prices. Okay, well, I. You guys are so happy that spirit is. You know what I mean?

[Trevor Noah]

Okay, stop.

[Jordan Klepper]

Stop with all the crybaby anti Trump questions, like why haven't we achieved any of the goals in the war? Just babies. Only good Christian patriotic questions from now on. Go. Iranian embassy accounts are sharing an AI video of Jesus Christ kind of bloodily killing President Donald Trump. Does the Pentagon have a response to this?

[Michael Kosta]

Including the fact that this AI Jesus

[Jordan Klepper]

is casting Trump into hell? Now there's a question. What does I quote? What does the Pentagon think of Iran's AI video where Jesus kills Trump and tosses into hell? Which, by the way, is too graphic to even show on tv. And as we all know, there's no other place besides TV to watch videos, so I guess you'll never see it. But what say you, Secretary Hegseth? Are you pro or con? This video of Trump being sent to the fires of hell by AI Jesus? As far as a video like that, of course, that's disgusting and detached from reality. Yeah, okay, thank you for clarifying that Jesus punching Trump straight into hell was not reality. I don't think there were a ton of people going, so are they gonna arrest Jesus for this or what?

[Trevor Noah]

Right?

[Jordan Klepper]

I mean, I was all set to go to my nearest church, find a priest, and be like, what the, man? Get control of your boy. But this leads. This leads to an important point about the Iran war. Memes are weapons now.

[Trevor Noah]

War with Iran isn't just playing out on the ground.

[Michael Kosta]

It's exploding online.

[Trevor Noah]

Iranian embassies and pro Iran groups are

[Michael Kosta]

flooding social media with AI generated memes,

[Jordan Klepper]

many mocking President Trump and US Policy. Oh, mocking President Trump. No one's ever thought of that. Big deal. Look, no offense, Iran, but you're not exactly known as a cultural powerhouse, okay? So good luck impressing Americans with your little videos. The secrets are leaking, the pressure is rising. We locked on the target, and now you are hiding. Holy shit. Did I. What was going on there? Is there a sequel to a Lego movie I don't know about? Did I just see Iran fire a loser rocket at Lego Trump? I mean, look, do I support Iran propaganda? No. Could it end up on my Spotify wrapped? Absolutely. I mean, I kind of can't wait for Iran to headline Coachella next year, but if Ayatollah can do that, you know what? I bet Donald Trump and his virgin maxing meme lords can go even harder. All right, show him what you got, Trump. You want to see me do it again? You want to see me do it again? Do it again. What the was that? That was the shittiest meme ever. How is Trump bad at this? What was the point of electing a cyberbully if he sucks at cyberbullying? I was worried we might be the bad guys in this war, but after seeing this diss track, I'm realizing it's much worse. What? Drake? Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the

[Trevor Noah]

Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount.

[Jordan Klepper]

This has been a Comedy Central podcast.