← The Daily Show: Ears Edition
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
This Week's News | Jon Stewart on the U.S.-Iran Situationship & Desi Lydic on Trump's Cognitive Tests
00:43:55
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Commercial Announcer
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Host 1
We gather here tonight to bring women back to their rightful place. The Testaments, a new Hulu original series from the executive producers of the Handmaid's Tale. It's easier to accept a story than
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Host 2
believe that the people around you are monsters.
- [01:15]
Host 1
The battle isn't over. There comes a time when you have to take action, when you have to choose your own destiny. Never quite as it seems. Watch the new Hulu original series, the Testaments, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.
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Host 2
You're listening to Comedy Central, Ladies and gentlemen. Obviously the big news continues to be our situationship with Iran. Is it a war? Is it a ceasefire? Are we friends with bomber fits? I don't know. Because as you know, Friday marked the expiration of the 60 day free trial period. Presidents get to do wars. After 60 days, the President must ask Congress who then decides. Are we subscribing or are we just going to use Israel's password? So as you get. So as you can imagine, it's going to be big news when Trump asks for official permission.
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Commercial Announcer
Trump signaling he will not seek official
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Host 2
permission from Congress to extend the war with Iran. What? He's not going to seek official permission. I was kind of under the impression that that's not his choice, that it would be. I don't know, illegal. Then I remember Donald Trump doesn't give a about legality or any accountability that may occur from said illegality. So much so that he felt confident confessing to said illegality in a speech in Florida on the day he was supposed to attain congressional approval.
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Guest/Contributor
What they call a military operation, you know, they don't like the word war, and they call it a military operation because that way you don't have a war. You don't have legal problems.
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Host 2
You almost. You almost have to admire the brazenness of a president just casually explaining just a thing how to get around our pesky laws, just not a care in the world. It's like going up to a McDonald's cashier, yeah, I'm gonna get a cup of water. Well, I say water, it's. Cause I don't like to use the word soda. If I say water, I get it for free. But to be clear, I will be drinking soda. But my plan is to use the word water to avoid any, what you call, payment problems. Of course, Trump's plan only works if he has the discipline to maintain his assertion that we are, in fact, not in a war.
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Guest/Contributor
You know, we're in a war.
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Host 2
Same day. Same day. Here's how I get around being a war. We're in a war. He's just sitting there. He's like. He's just looking the cashier in the eye, filling up his cup with soda. I'm just gonna get a little Mountain Dew, little Pepsi, little. I don't know what the root beer one is. Little Mountain Dew, little Pepsi, little Barks, little high C. I'm going around the world. And by the way, it's all purposeful. These are not mistakes. These are the machinations of genius. He'll tell you himself, as he did this weekend.
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Guest/Contributor
I'm the only president to take a cognitive test. You know, the first question is very easy. It's a lion, a giraffe, a bear, and a shark. They say, which one is the bear?
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Host 2
You're the only president to take the cognitive test. Let me ask you a question. Why do you think that is? I don't know. Why do you think that you're the only president that that happens to. That for some reason every time you go to the doctor, which is a lot, the doctor's always like, hey, while you're here, if you could come over here and just explain very quickly which one of these is the bear. But I interrupted. I interrupted. Let's hear more about this totally believable test you keep acing.
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Guest/Contributor
They say Take a number, any number. Okay, I'll take 99. Multiply times nine. Okay. Divide it by three. Good. Add 4,293. That's good. Divide by two, subtract 93. Divide by nine. There aren't a lot of people that. Get it right. I got it right.
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Host 2
The answer was bear. But no, no, let me not be dismissive. No, Trump is a regular Stephen Hawking. That's what it is. Although I thought the only thing they had in common was being in the Epstein files. But the important. I apologize. No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I apologize. Too soon? Or should I say too soon? Listen, if Punch, the monkey can handle it. And by the way, the wild thing is, Trump seems to be almost getting smarter with age because this is how he handled math questions 20 years ago on the Howard Stern Show.
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Guest/Contributor
All right, I'm gonna ask you a tough question.
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Host 2
Wharton School of business. Yes.
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Guest/Contributor
What's 17 times 6? Come on.
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Host 1
See, that's not a practical.
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Host 2
96.
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Guest/Contributor
Wrong. 94. Wrong.
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Host 1
That's not a practical application, though.
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Guest/Contributor
Ivanka. 17 times 6. It's 11. It's 1112.
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Host 2
1112 isn't a real number. That's two numbers just placed side by side. Yes, it's the 2000s equivalent of 6. That's how it. So, I apologize. I know you're a genius. Try again.
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Guest/Contributor
1 12.
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Host 2
1 12.
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Guest/Contributor
It is.
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Host 2
112. 112. Yeah. So that is a number, but it's still wrong. It's 102. But somehow we're supposed to believe that 20 years later, you've turned into a genius? You've turned into a working class janitor at mit, solving quadratics between mopping up. You know, I can't believe they ever gave Trump the FIFA math prize. So. See, Trump is a special genius that sees himself above all traditional presidential limitations. He's not bound by our petty checks and balances and separations of powers. He has ignored 31 lower court decisions, not including 250 more rulings in immigration cases. He's festooned the People's House with trappings of a Versailles themed bar mitzvah. He has built a Kim Jong Un esque giant gold statue of himself at his Doral golf course. He's gonna be on our passports, our passport. Whenever you go abroad, whenever you travel overseas, you're gonna have to tell a customs officer. I don'. How out of control are Trump's royal ambitions? So bad that last week, an actual king, born of the lineage of kings we fought to establish Our constitutional republic had to come back here to remind us to wake the up. I come here today with the highest respect for.
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Guest/Contributor
For the United States Congress.
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Host 2
This citadel of democracy created to represent
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Guest/Contributor
the voice of all American people to advance sacred rights and freedoms.
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Host 2
Oh, shit. No, you didn't. Oh, shit. King Charles coming in hot, Firing on all. What's the British word for cylinders? I don't. But you heard them. And then Charles did us dirty with a list of all the hard fought constitutional principles we are squandering.
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Guest/Contributor
The principle that executive power is subject to checks and balances, the rule of
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Host 2
law, the certainty of stable and accessible rules.
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Guest/Contributor
An independent judiciary delivering impartial justice that our two countries rededicate ourselves.
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Host 2
All right, all right. It was all very powerful until you hit the rededicate. The separation of powers. We must rededicate. I'm gonna stop you before you go full Tootsie Pop owl re. How many licks must you give a country before we get to the. But you heard him. You heard the King. He's just a boy standing in front of a Congress asking it to rededicate itself to the principles of constitutional checks and balances. But Congress won't. Congress won't do that because they suck. Congress has completely abandoned any serious oversight of our military operation. They've still not passed a full budget. They've passed fewer laws than any Congress in the first year of a presidency. In our history, they haven't done anything. Well, that's not totally fair.
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Host 1
We have another bird alert.
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Guest/Contributor
And this time it involves something that
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Host 2
happened on Capitol Hill.
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Host 1
These birds were in the hot seat
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Host 2
during a House hearing led by Idaho
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Host 1
Republican Congressman Mike Simpson. The hearing was meant to highlight efforts to preserve these birds of prey.
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Host 2
That's what it is intended for. But instead, it ended in tragedy. Jump, Lindsey. Jump. Jump, boy. Here's the crazy part. The congresspeople still showing up for bird shows are the best of them. Some of these people don't show up for anything. GOP New Jersey Representative Tom Kaine, Jr. Hasn't voted since March 5th. Kaine has missed more than 50 votes. Top GOP leaders are in the dark. It's a mystery. In the Capitol building, FOX contacted multiple members of the House GOP leadership. None had any idea about Cain's whereabouts. One member of the Republican brass told FOX that Kaine's absence didn't worry them. Quote, until you called. He's been gone for two months. Hey, you know the saying around here? That's just more birds for us, huh? Here's how little government even means to any of them. This is who was Designated Survivor, who would be tasked with rebuilding our nation if the worst had actually happened at that White House Correspondents dinner? The person who would have theoretically taken over control of the United States government as President of the United States, if something would have happened to everybody in that room would have been Senator Chuck Grassley, who is in his 90s. That was the Designated Survivor who will lead our country into the future. The guy who will lead our country into the future statistically doesn't have much of one like actuarial tables wise, he would not be expected to survive an uneventful evening. I'm sorry. Too soon. And by the way, if you're hoping that our judiciary will step up and be the guardrail against Trump's kingly ambitions, watch a bunch of nominees for confirmation to our federal court system refuse to do so.
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Guest/Contributor
Mr. Mark, if I might just tell
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Host 2
me about the 22nd Amendment. What does it provide? I haven't had an opportunity to. To use that one specifically, it states, no person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice.
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Guest/Contributor
Mr. Mark, is President Trump eligible to run for president again in 2028?
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Host 2
Senator, without considering all the facts and looking at everything, depending on what the situation is, this to me strikes as more of a hypothetical. Is he eligible to run for a third term under our Constitution? I would have to review. Review what? You're allowed two. He said two. That means you can't have three. Do you really have to do the math on that person? Trying to be confirmed to the United States judicial system? Is the answer 11 12? Is that what you're looking at? It's what do you have to. Do? It's not a trick. Anybody else brave enough to say that the Constitution of the United States prevents President Trump from seeking a third term? Anybody willing to apply the Constitution by its plain language in the 22nd Amendment? Nobody? All right, let's move on. Are you happy you broke his heart. The Congress isn't coming to save us. The judiciary isn't coming to save us. The voters are being gerrymandered out of being able to save us. We've only got one last card to play. Our beautiful fourth estate democracy dies in darkness. So we look to the free press, the newsies, the ink stained wretches, the masters of muckrake, the clickety clack brigade, tappers, rappers, Wolf Blitzers, titty twisters. We the people depend on the news media to bring the tough questions that hold the politicians accountable. There was a report this week that because of all the firepower required for Epic Fury, that there are people in the White House who are starting to worry about our inventory of bomb missiles. Are you worried? It's a solid question. The New York Times just discovered that since the war began, the United States has burned through half its long range missiles, plus 1,000 Tomahawk missiles, which is nearly 10 times more than we buy each year, plus thousands more of pretty much every other type of missile that we have. Experts are getting worried we're depleting our stockpiles. So, Mr. President, are we running out of weapons? No, no.
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Guest/Contributor
We have more than we've ever had.
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Host 2
Okay.
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Guest/Contributor
Because all over the world we have inventory, and we can take that if we need it. Right now we have more than double what we had when this started.
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Host 2
That sounds like bullshit. Or. Or, no, that I'm wrong. Or is it perhaps
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Host 1
magic?
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Host 2
What you're saying is, in the beginning of the war, we had only this. And then we spent a month using that ball. We used it to bomb every place in Iran we could think of. And now at the end of that time, we find ourselves. Hold on here. Where is that? Wait, wait, Hold on. We had one ball. Remember the premise? One ball. And we used the ball to bomb Iran. And now apparently, we have two balls. Now, very clearly, this makes no sense. It's nonsensical on its face. And the reporters have all the specific reporting to back that up. The follow ups to this nonsense are gonna be brutal. The G7 is in France in June.
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Guest/Contributor
Will you go to it?
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Host 2
Probably.
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Guest/Contributor
No,
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Host 2
the question should just be this. What the did you just say? That didn't make any sense. The G7 is a month from now. It'll be on his schedule. Follow up on the missile thing. You still support a pardon for Pete Rose, sir?
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Guest/Contributor
Oh, I think Pete Rose would doing great.
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Host 2
Oh, I get it. You're prepping him with nonsense to lower his defenses before you come into hard facts about a war he's clearly bullshitting about. Go.
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Host 1
You're gonna be hosting the first ever
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Host 2
UFC fight at the White House in 45 days. Sir, can you.
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Host 1
Can you preview the event?
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Host 2
Can you talk about the card? And what does it mean? We're so. And. And by the way, what is the point of having to shout your questions if you're not gonna listen to the answers? We need you to help us litigate the boundaries of our reality, not move on to Pete Rose. Can someone from the foreign press jump in?
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Guest/Contributor
I love you, Mr. Trinidad.
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Host 2
Mr. President.
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Guest/Contributor
Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Trituden.
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Host 2
Where they give Chef Boyardee credentials. The Mr. President has a question for you. By the way, that reporter is not actually Italian. He's. He's Kurdish. But this was the only accent we felt we could safely do. I genuinely don't understand what this country is becoming when every one of our institutions are failing us. Is there any hope for the liberal democracy that has inspired the world for these past 250 years? Is there anyone who can recall the lessons of our American revolution and inspire this nation to return to its founding principles? In this, our 250th year, let our
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Guest/Contributor
two countries rededicate ourselves.
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Host 2
If the strongest defender of American democracy is the King of England, we are really.
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Host 1
Tomorrow morning is knocking. Stock your fridge now. How about a creamy mocha Frappuccino drink? Or a sweet vanilla smooth caramel maybe? Or a white chocolate mocha? Whichever you choose, delicious coffee awaits. Find Starbucks Frappuccino drinks wherever you buy your groceries. Last night was the Met Gala. It's the biggest night of the year for fashion and for your mom. Saying now is that one heated rivalry. But the biggest trend on the red carpet this year was controversy. This year's Met Gala finds itself steeped in turmoil. Why? Because the honorary chairs are billionaire Jeff Bezos and his wife, Lauren Sanchez. Look at the message projected last night on a building in New York City. Boycott the Bezos Met Gala. Yeah, get his ass. Yes, I fully support this message. Although I don't know if the people living in that building do. Sorry, can you just take it down a notch? Your activism is getting in my eyes. Where did they even find a projector that big? Well, probably Amazon. They have the best prime day deals. No, no, no, no. Desi. Remember? Boycott. Boycott. But while the wealthy are living their best lives, the rest of the country is tightening their belts. The war in Iran has sent fuel prices rising to the point where over the weekend, Spirit Airlines was forced to shut down. Spirit Airlines. At least it's no longer suffering. See you in heaven. After a three day layover in Phoenix. But now things are getting so bad that even the real airlines are struggling.
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Host 2
If you fly Delta, and you look forward to hearing the words, would you like a Biscoff cookie and a complimentary beverage? When you travel, you may be out of luck. Delta is eliminating snack and drink service on all flights under 350 miles.
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Host 1
Come on. Are you kidding me? First I can't play with the smoke detectors, now this? You know what? This is bullshit. So if I want a free cookie now, I have to What? Give blood at the Red Cross. You can forget about that. This is my blood, okay? I made it so I get to keep it off. You bloodthirsty maniacs. What is wrong with you? Sorry, I just really like cookies. Now, without pointing fingers, this entire situation is President Trump's fault. So he needs to reassure people that he has a plan to fix the economy. And fortunately, he had the chance yesterday when he hosted a small business summit. These are the men and women on the economic front lines, Donald Trump. Give them the reassurance they need.
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Guest/Contributor
Anybody running for president or vice president should take a cognitive test. So I've taken three. No president think of this has ever taken one.
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Host 1
Kind of a weird flex. It's like bragging about being the only kid in school who gets a special helper. This is not a test to see how smart you are. It's to check if your brain is functioning, which Trump should understand based on the question.
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Guest/Contributor
The first question is very easy and they always show. The first question is, you have a lion, a bear, an alligator and a. What's another good? A squirrel. Okay, which is the squirrel?
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Host 1
I am so glad that we have a president who can differentiate between an alligator and a squirrel. Unlike President Coolidge, God rest his soul. But Trump's struggling to remember all the animals isn't a surprise. In fact, maybe that should be the cognitive test.
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Guest/Contributor
You have a lion, a bear, an alligator, and a. What's another good? A squirrel. Okay, which is the squirrel? You have a lion, a giraffe, a whale and a shark. And they'll say, which one's the lion? It's a lion, a giraffe, a bear and a shark. They say, which one is the bear? A tiger, an elephant, a giraffe, a giraffe, a tiger, a this, a that, a whale, a giraffe, a fish, and a hippopotamus.
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Host 2
Right.
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Host 1
At this point, I'm not even sure there was even a test. I feel like there's. I feel like there's a good chance the President was just watching Zootopia. You know what? Maybe small business business owners aren't the best audience for Donald Trump's animal facts. Is there an audience that's closer to his intellectual level?
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Host 2
President Trump hosted a group of children at the White House today for an event promoting physical fitness.
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Host 1
Ah, there we go. That's more your speed. Now you can talk about animals until your heart's content.
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Guest/Contributor
The power of a nuclear weapon is something I don't even want to talk about. We can't let Iran have a nuclear Weapon. You might be too young for this.
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Host 1
No, they're not too young. I'm sure they've already seen the Paw Patrol episode where they drop a ballistic missile on Humdinger. How are you talking about nuclear war in front of children? You kids have seen Oppenheimer, writes Lawrence Pugh. Her titties were out for 10 minutes and he became death, destroyer of all worlds. So, so true. So true. Honestly, if there was ever an event where it was important to stick to the topic at hand, it's the one where you're surrounded by small children. You understand that, right?
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Guest/Contributor
It was a rigged election. Barack Hussein Obama. Have you heard of him? Open borders, letting anybody come in from the Congo, from countries all over the world. They came in from prisons and mental institutions. He can put on weight, like up and down like a yo yo, and he doesn't take the shot. Okay, we just hit records on the dow. I reached 50 in the first year and then I reached 7,000. When you have transgender mutualization. Don't listen to this, kids. And then all of a sudden, a woman dropped dead with a bullet. Right?
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Host 1
Hi, mom, can you pick me up from the White House? The President is trauma dumping on me again.
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Guest/Contributor
Now at McDonald's, a McDouble is $2.50. So you can get your gym gains on or just get lunch for only $2.50. Get more value on the under $3 menu. Limited time only.
- [29:14]
Host 2
Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher for delivery.
- [29:19]
Guest/Contributor
Amazon presents Jeff vs. Taco Truck Salsa. Whether it's verde roja or the orange one.
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Host 2
For Jeff, trying any salsa is like
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Guest/Contributor
playing Russian roulette with a flamethrower.
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Host 2
Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea and milk.
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Guest/Contributor
Habanero.
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Host 1
More like habanero.
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Guest/Contributor
Yes. Save the everyday with Amazon.
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Host 1
We are now in week nine of our four week war with Iran and it hasn't been going great. But this morning there was some unquestionably good news for anyone. Insider trading, the oil markets.
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Guest/Contributor
And we do have breaking news this morning.
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Commercial Announcer
White House officials believe, quote, the U.S. and Iran are closing in on a one page memo to end the war.
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Host 1
I'm sorry, a one page memo? How can Trump end a war with less paperwork than it took me to end my Planet Fitness membership? Whoever wrote that memo, can you please organize all bachelorette trips? Can we actually. Can we see a copy of this memoir? I don't know. I don't know. I mean, is that really him? Yes. Okay, that's him. That's definitely him. Now Obviously, this is far from a done deal, since Iran does not seem to trust Donald Trump. Some say that's because Trump famously never honors the his agreements, while others say, yep, that's it. What the first guy said. But Secretary of State Marco Rubio has a more sophisticated explanation.
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Host 2
The times come for Iran to make a sensible choice, and it's not easy for them to do that, obviously, because the top people in that government are, to say the least. You know, they're insane in the brain.
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Host 1
Really, Marco, a little inappropriate to be quoting old rap lyrics while you're talking about war. I mean, imagine your doctor telling you, if you're looking for the tumor on this scan, whoop, there it is. I'm afraid it's actually spread from the windows to the walls. The sweat dropped down my. But if you've been watching Marco Rubio for a long time, first, first of all, what is wrong with you? And second, you know that this is kind of his thing.
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Host 2
Every day, the Department of War lets the drummer get wicked over every portion of Iran. They should check themselves before they wreck themselves. If you don't know, now you know. We are dealing with people over there that have spent most of their lives living in a gangster paradise.
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Host 1
I'm sorry. We're getting breaking news that rap is no longer cool. Marco, you've got to drop this. You're the Secretary of State, for Christ's sakes, not some lame wedding dj. Marco Rubio clocking in for a shift as a wedding DJ over the weekend. How is no one in this administration busy? Marco Rubio's DJing. Kash Patel is partying in locker rooms. RFK is working out with Kid Rock. Donald Trump has scheduled nap times in the middle of meetings. Guys, you have to focus. We need to end this war. It is costing us billions of dollars a week. Surely there are more important things we could be spending money on. Senate Republicans are working to secure $1 billion in taxpayer money for President Trump's White House ballroom, saying the money is for security enhancements. Ugh, not the ballroom again. People didn't even want the ballroom when he was building it for free. Now Trump's like, okay, I hear you, but what if it cost a billion dollars? And if this ballroom story is making you sick, don't worry. It can also make you literally sick. Health concerns growing from President Trump's ballroom project. A new report showing soil taken from the White House construction project has tested positive for toxic chemicals.
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Guest/Contributor
So that soil is dumped near one
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Host 2
of the three golf courses at East Potomac.
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Host 1
Oh, my God. These poor golfers. First, they can't even clap normally, and now. I can't believe I'm saying these words, but the toxic waste the President has dumped onto the public grounds from his demolition of the White House could be very dangerous for golfers. I hope everyone in the D.C. area keeps a safe distance.
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Host 2
D.C. news Now. Daniel Hamburg joining us live at the golf course there in Southwest.
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Host 1
And, Daniel, are there health and safety
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Guest/Contributor
concerns at this point?
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Commercial Announcer
There are.
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Host 2
Susan and Chris.
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Host 1
Sure are. Susan and Chris, the toxic site you sent me to is indeed toxic. Really? Seems like the kind of thing we could have talked about in the studio. Anyone else taste blood? But let's move on from the golf course to something equally toxic. Chuck Edwards, North Carolina congressman and guy who's not bald, so stop asking. Turns out he's in big trouble. Yet another member of Congress facing a House Ethics Committee investigation into allegations of sexual misconduct. What sources described to me was inappropriate conduct that crossed the line. Representative Chuck Edwards had an inappropriate relationship with two young female staffers who were both in their 20s. Both of these relationships included love letters, personal gifts, personal travel. We saw Edwards write to the staffer that she was, quote, the most amazing woman, that she, quote, had written a complex chapter in his heart. A complex chapter in his heart. What a sophisticated way of saying me horny. But, yeah, yeah, I believe this guy is a great. I mean, he's the kind of guy who's not wearing a fedora, but when you think of him later, he's wearing a fedora. Anyway, we know what his love letters were like, but gifts. Gifts were his real love language. He gave these two staffers jewelry, designer bags. One of the gifts was even a custom puzzle that, when you assembled it, revealed a photo of Adam Sandler with a handwritten note asking the staffer to come to a comedy show, one of Adam Sandler's comedy shows with her. You sexually harassed your staffer with a custom Adam Sandler puzzle. Not only are you violating the rules of the workplace, but you're giving her homework.
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Host 2
This is.
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Host 1
I don't even know how to describe this. This is.
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Host 2
This is insane in the brain.
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Host 1
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Host 2
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- [37:22]
Commercial Announcer
Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk.
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Host 2
Side effects may include include allergic reactions, neck and injection site pain, fatigue and headache.
- [37:29]
Commercial Announcer
Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms and dizziness.
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Host 2
Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection. Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions including als, Lou Gehrig's
- [37:39]
Commercial Announcer
disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert Eaton syndrome
- [37:41]
Host 2
and medications including botulinum toxins as these may increase the risk of serious side effects. Why wait?
- [37:47]
Host 1
Ask your doctor. Visit botoxchronicmigraine.com or call 1-844botox to learn more. Let's kick things off with someone who was definitely in the Epstein files, Jeffrey Epstein. We've seen millions of his texts and emails already, but there was one very important document we hadn't seen until now.
- [38:09]
Host 2
Breaking news tonight, a judge has released
- [38:12]
Host 1
what is said to be a suicide
- [38:13]
Host 2
note written by the late convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. It is a treat to be able
- [38:18]
Guest/Contributor
to choose one's time to say goodbye. What you want me to do? Bust out cryin'.
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Host 2
No fun, not worth it.
- [38:31]
Host 1
No fun, not worth it. His last words were the same words I said when I bailed on the new season of Landman. Just kidding. All 437 Taylor Sheridan shows are equally excellent and available now on Paramount. But let's move on because this weekend is Mother's Day, the day we celebrate all the incredible women who pee a little when they sneeze too hard. Trump marks the occasion with an event honoring military moms, or as he calls them, military milfs. And I assume he showed them the love and respect they deserve.
- [39:08]
Guest/Contributor
We're also honored to be joined by a military mother who sacrificed far more than most. That's Melody Wolf. And you know, I love the name Melody because for a long time, you know, they have spell correct and word correct on these crazy machines that we use to put out truths. Or they used to be called tweets.
- [39:31]
Host 1
Uh oh, look out. He's leaving.
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Guest/Contributor
Every time I wrote Melania, it would correct to melody. So I do thing and I work very fast. Very fast.
- [39:49]
Host 1
Well, now I know what I'm not getting for Mother's Day. Horny ever again. I think we just experienced the last thing a Big Mac sees right before the lights go out. But don't worry, Trump turned off his autocorrect. Just kidding. He did this.
- [40:05]
Guest/Contributor
I didn't know about that little feature, but I got that corrected eventually. You know who corrected? The military.
- [40:13]
Host 1
I'm sorry, the military had to fix your autocorrect problem. Trump heard he had to go to his phone's general settings and he was like, okay, then get me general settings. And give me Captain Airplane mode too, just in case. Mr. President, can you please stop with your weird speaker?
- [40:38]
Guest/Contributor
You see drug traffic coming into our countries way down and by sea. By sea. By ocean. By the water. You know, a lot of people say, what do you mean by sea? Is it sea, like vision? No, it's the sea.
- [40:53]
Host 1
What? No one has ever been confused by that phrase. If you, if you say by sea, it's obvious that sea means ocean and bi means bisexual. I mean, at least until I graduate. Look, anyone who watches this speech must be questioning if this man should be president. Inflation is rising, corruption is through the roof. We are losing a war he shouldn't have started. And he's spending his days rambling about autocorrect and building a ballroom for himself and Melody. Sure, surely at this point, he's got to be losing support among Republicans.
- [41:30]
Host 2
There's this myth that's going on right now that, oh, Trump is really losing support among Republicans. But compared to other midterm cycles, he's just as popular with Republicans as he has ever been.
- [41:43]
Host 1
Face is still sticking with him after everything. Look, I know it's hard to admit you're wrong. Take it from me, the creator of the Facebook group Jared Fogle would make the most awesome babysitter. But at this point, you gotta cut your losses. I mean, what is it? Do you have a humiliation kink or something?
- [42:02]
Host 2
This polling to me jumped out at me. They asked Republicans who would win when a physical fight with Trump. Would you be able to beat up Donald Trump or would he beat you up? 39% of Republicans said Trump would beat me up.
- [42:17]
Host 1
So you have a humiliation cake, but you really think you'd lose a fight to an 80 year old man? I mean, come on, Republicans, believe in yourself. Where's that storming the Capitol confidence? To be fair, this is an incredibly weird phone call to receive. Yeah, Dave, it's the polling company you think you could take President Trump, you pussy.
- [42:41]
Host 2
Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast universe by searching the Daily Show.
- [42:46]
Guest/Contributor
Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the
- [42:48]
Host 2
Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. Plus, this has been a Comedy Central podcast. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone Paying Big Wireless Way Too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you of joy over paying, no judgments. But that's weird. Okay, one judgment anyway. Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment
- [43:25]
Host 1
of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required Intro rate first three months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra.
- [43:31]
Commercial Announcer
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