← The Daily Show: Ears Edition
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
This Week's News | Jon Stewart on the WHCD Shooting & Josh Johnson on Comey's Seashell Indictment
00:48:28
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- [00:01]
Host 1
Morning decisions. How about a creamy mocha Frappuccino drink? Or sweet vanilla smooth caramel maybe? Or white chocolate mocha? Whichever you choose, delicious coffee awaits. Find Starbucks Frappuccino drinks wherever you buy your groceries. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. You know those friends who support your preference for podcasts over music on road trips. That's the energy State Farm brings to insurance. With over 19,000 local agents, they help you find the coverage that fits your needs so you can spend less time worrying about insurance and more time enjoying the ride. Download the State Farm app or go online@statefarm.com like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.
- [00:43]
Host 2
You're listening to Comedy Central.
- [00:50]
Comedian/Commentator
The White House Correspondent's Dinner is supposed to be an evening of fun and merriment I until like most things in America, it was interrupted by gunfire. This is why we can't have nice things. And to be perfectly frank, it's not even a nice thing. Nobody wanted this dinner in the first. Nobody needed. We're so in this country right now, we can't even pull off a dinner that shouldn't have existed in the first place. Hey, let's celebrate the first Amendment with an administration that's doing everything it can do to destroy it. Sounds great. Should we hold the dinner in a secure location? Well, we could. Or you know what, why not just the Hilton? Let's just. You know what, let's not hold it in a secure location. Let's go to the Hilton. You know the Hilton slogan, more hard to defend entry points than rooms. Why do you do it? And now, fortunately, and amazingly, no fatalities. Nobody was really hurt. But make no mistake, in crisis situations like this, people tend to show you who they really are. And who the elite of Washington D.C. are is. Like this influencer whose caption says shooter at the White House Correspondent Dinner, but whose duck face says coachella, We're all gonna die. Gucc. Or these hard nosed Washington insiders who made sure in a life or death situation to grab the things most dear to them. The bottle service. What? If only. If only I had more time, I could have saved the. And then of course, there was this guy. Check this video out the left side of your screen. This man, creative artist, agent, super agent Michael Glantz, has gone viral for eating
- [03:38]
Host 2
food casually as people are crouched down
- [03:42]
Comedian/Commentator
after this shooting at the White House Correspondent's Dinner. Excuse me. Excuse me, waiter, when you're done incapacitating the assassin, I would love some more ranch dressing. It'd be a doll if you could. A Refill. Some lady took my wine. If you. There have been times when I have been very worried about artificial intelligence and whether or not it's going to replace us. And then there are other times where I think, hey, AI, can you start Monday? I mean. But I gotta tell you, nobody revealed their true colors more than the Trump administration. From J.D. vance's Dancing with the Stars to Pete Hegseth dropping a smoldering blue steel hello, to RFK Jr being whisked away by a Secret Service hive who apparently couldn't spare one worker bee for, I don't know, his wife. Do you see it? Do you see, right there, There's a group of men carrying another man out of the room. And then there's a woman. A woman who appears to be. I'm not a. Obviously desperately reaching out for someone to care, to help her. That's the woman reaching up in agony and fear. That's RFK Jr. S wife, Bobby. And by the way. By the way, if there's one guy in that entire room who seems like they would be impervious to physical damage, it's RFK Jr. Look at this guy. He literally looks like a guy who, trapped between being Bruce Banner and the Hulk. He's in the middle. He can't go either way. It's like the gamma radiation just stabilized in the middle of the transformation. Now I'm just uncomfortable. How up is that scene? How up is that scene? May I show you the tape again? I want to show you something. Pay attention to the foreground. Something's about to happen. I want to show it to you. Hold on. It's not that they're whisking RFK out his wife. Freeze. Freeze. Freeze. Freeze. Okay, the guy right there shielding the pregnant woman from danger, that's Stephen Miller and his wife. Stephen Miller carefully protecting his wife. See, RFK turned out that's an option. You can protect your wife instead of, I don't know, beating her to the escape pod. And the guy who outshined you is Stephen. That's who I was showing you. That's who was more chivalrous. Stephen Miller, a guy who probably jerks off to the new Faces of Death movie. That's. And now, for the rest of your wi. For the rest of your life, your wife is gonna ask you a question no one's ever asked before, ever. Why can't you be more like Stephen Miller? Why? Why can't you be more. But no. There goes rfk just leaving. It looks like we got a new addition to the Kennedy family. Abandoning Women to their fate. Wikipedia page. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Too soon. Or. Or too many. You know what? And here's the other thing. I don't want any more of your punch the monkey nonsen either. I have had it. Seriously, I'm not wrong. Look it up. Now. Obviously not everybody left their lady behind. Some went to look for their lady and still got bad news.
- [08:57]
Host 1
The New York Times writes the FBI director, Kash Patel came tearing across the hallway with two men in tow. His girlfriend was hiding in a room with another man who was holding her hand.
- [09:16]
Comedian/Commentator
Did you have to add that? Was that a necessary detail to add to the story? Kash Patel's girlfriend. I was in a room. A man gently caressing her arm. The man's muscular chest heaving with anticipation as he bellowed, I'll protect you. Kash Patel's girlfriend. You know, the person I felt the most sorry for, honestly, the whole night, probably the featured performer of the evening, Mentalist, Oz Perlman. He was a mentalist. He was gonna. He was gonna perform. It's probably the biggest opportunity for visibility that the mentalist community has ever had. And then in the middle of it, pow, pow, pow. The whole thing goes. Caroline Levitt, the press secretary said. Challenged me, said, I'm having a baby next week. And she goes, can you guess what I'm naming my daughter? And I was guessing letter by letter. How many letters were in the name? Is there anything more compelling than a mentalist or magician just describing to you verbally a trick that he would have done that, if you had been there, would have been cool? I'm sorry I interrupted. And then right at the moment where you see it happen, I wrote down the name and I said, how did I do? And I turned around, and that's when you see the first lady go, yeah, that's right. That's when the shooting happened. That gasp wasn't. He nailed it. It was. That was gunfire. And by the way, the shooting happened just as the Mentalist was revealing the name of Carolyn Levitt's unborn child. Which, as amazing as that might have been, one would have thought that a more timely revelation would have been to write something on the card like, everybody run.
- [11:19]
Host 2
There's.
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Comedian/Commentator
Hold on, I'm gonna. Okay, I'm gonna show. It's going to blow your mind. Everybody run. But perhaps nobody's character was revealed as much as our brave president, Donald Joseph Effort Trump, who sat down with Norah o' Donnell the next day to explain that fear was definitely not the emotion he was feeling.
- [11:46]
Host 2
I Wasn't worried. I could see what was going on at the door. I also saw a lot of very strong, physically strong, really attractive law enforcement people come through those doors.
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Comedian/Commentator
Does, does that matter? Is that part of how attract. Look, I don't want my life saved by a. I don't want some pig face walking. We gotta go, Mr. President. Not with you, friend. Not happening. But how did it feel, you surrounded by really attractive law enforcement?
- [12:40]
Host 2
And frankly, it made me feel very safe.
- [12:45]
Comedian/Commentator
Yeah, I'm not sure safe was the emotion. Yeah, I saw them come in and I, and I felt myself get safe as a rock. They were so attractive. Safe as a rock. That's why I didn't stand up to run. Took a moment to think about baseball. But Trump wasn't only impressed with the officers good looks or their asses being so taut that any shooter's bullets would have just bounced right off. He was also impressed with their skill.
- [13:24]
Host 2
They drew those guns so fast. Looked like. They look like Matt Dillon.
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Comedian/Commentator
Now I, I know, I know what you're thinking. Uh, Matt Dillon is Donald Trump so old he's confusing the guy from Something about Mary with Matt Damon from the Bourne movies. But it's not true. Trump is actually so old, he's not confused at all. He's referencing Marshall Matt Dillon from the Gunsmoke TV show, a show that I'm too young to have watched. Yeah, this, look at this. Are you saying this? I'm too young to know that show. Now, by the way, you may have noticed Trump's demeanor. Very conciliatory and pleasant towards the reporter. Perhaps. This is the new Trump.
- [14:29]
Host 2
I don't know if I could ever be as rough as I was going to be tonight. I was going to really rip it last night I was talking about everybody and then they said, well, my speech is going to be much different. It'll be a speech of love. Love.
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Comedian/Commentator
His perspective has completely changed
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Host 2
until.
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Comedian/Commentator
See if you can spot the moment in the Norah o' Donnell interview where Trump decides. Nah.
- [14:59]
Host 1
That the so called manifesto is a stunning thing to read, Mr. President. He appears to reference a motive. In it he writes this, quote, administration officials, they are targets. And he also wrote this. I am no longer willing to permit a pedophile, rapist and traitor to coat my hands with his crimes.
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Comedian/Commentator
Did you catch. Does one of those Jim from the office camera take. God, I'm not. Yeah, that's. Yeah. Remember that? Nice thing. Yeah.
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Comedian/Commentator 2
No.
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Comedian/Commentator
Now to be fair to Trump, why would you read out loud the would be assassin's political take? I think once you go vigilante, you forfeit the platform. I'm sorry, but she got the soundbite she was looking for.
- [16:03]
Host 2
Well, I was waiting for you to read that because I knew you would because you're. You're horrible people. Horrible people. Yeah, he did write that. I'm not a rapist. I didn't rape anybody.
- [16:14]
Host 1
Oh, you think he was referring to you?
- [16:28]
Comedian/Commentator
Oh. Oh, Lord. I mean, I was just reading you the assassin manifesto. I had no idea you would think he was referring to you. Lord have mercy. But you know what? Maybe this is a moment where Trump will rise up. These events clearly point out that we have a problem in this country at the nexus of mental health and the availability of powerful weapons. And maybe, just maybe, this sobering night will spur a movement for some solutions.
- [17:01]
Host 2
We looked at all of the conditions that took place tonight, and I didn't want to say this.
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Comedian/Commentator
I know what he's going to say. We need to put a shit ton of money towards mental health and getting illegal weapons off the streets. That's what he's going to say. Or. I'm no mentalist. Did you have. Did you. Did you have something else in mind?
- [17:21]
Host 2
It's actually a larger room and it's much more secure. It's got. It's drone proof, it's bulletproof glass. We need the ballroom.
- [17:31]
Comedian/Commentator
Yeah, that's a great solution to gun violence for you. What about the unballroomed rest of us? Malls, churches, schools, synagogue, wherever. Not every town can have a ballroom. Didn't you even see Footloose? A ballroom. That's the solution. That is the dumbest idea I have ever heard. No one is gonna go along with that.
- [18:03]
Comedian/Commentator 2
The ballroom will be a solution for this.
- [18:06]
Comedian/Commentator
I think we gotta build that ballroom as soon as possible.
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Guest/Reporter
The ballroom makes total sense. A ballroom is imperative for a lot of reasons.
- [18:14]
Host 1
The President needs the ballroom.
- [18:19]
Comedian/Commentator
Let's build a ballroom and just all dance like no one's shooting. That was my Jack's hands, by the way. That was. That's as far as my hands go. Jazz. But back to the dinner itself. The incident happened in a room full of journalists. And there was one fact the media could report on with certainty. They're heroes.
- [18:45]
Guest/Reporter
You really saw the best of the entire D.C. press corps on display.
- [18:50]
Comedian/Commentator 2
Journalists who immediately sprung into action to
- [18:53]
Guest/Reporter
cover this historic moment. Credit to the journalists, by the way, who continue to do their jobs in that room.
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Host 1
Thank goodness for all of us trying to do our jobs.
- [19:00]
Guest/Reporter
The journalistic heroes of the evening.
- [19:06]
Comedian/Commentator
You know, we should have an Awards dinner just for us. You know, it's a great place to do it, the Hilton. But as always, one hero rose above them all.
- [19:21]
Comedian/Commentator 2
Can we just give Wolf Blitzer some praise and some credit?
- [19:24]
Guest/Reporter
And of course, you, Wolf, saw it closer up than anybody else. And we're so glad you're okay and you did the extraordinary journalism that you're known for.
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Comedian/Commentator
Thank you, Wolf.
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Host 1
You are an international treasure.
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Comedian/Commentator
Wolf, you were the first to tell the world what actually had happened.
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Guest/Reporter
I have to say, we are lucky that we have a reporter like you
- [19:40]
Comedian/Commentator 2
who happened to bear witness. You have some people who are legends for a reason. Wolf Blitzer is one of those people.
- [19:52]
Comedian/Commentator
Did wolf blitzer die on Saturday? Yes. Undoubtedly. The MVP of the news turbation that was this weekend, was CNN's Wolf Blitzer. All right, Wolf, walk us through the attack. We had just finished the first chorus, which was a delicious salad. The president was up there.
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Host 2
But after the first chorus, which was a good song, we had just finished appetizers.
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Comedian/Commentator
Oh, this is dangerously blurring the line between reporter and old man. At event.
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Host 2
We were.
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Comedian/Commentator
The salad was delicious. I'm sorry, what were you asking? I'm sorry. Let's. We'll try and stay away from the food stuff. Let's get back to the more salient.
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Host 2
And I walked away to go out to the men's room. I was going to go to the men's room, which had to go up one level upstairs.
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Comedian/Commentator
The men's room was outside the ballroom. You had to go up one flight
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Host 2
of stairs to get there.
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Comedian/Commentator
It's a good men's room. It's a spacious men's room. The urinals are fine. Could use a grab bar, if we're being honest. I like the men's room, where each sink has its own soap dispenser. And you get the one where everybody has to go as they're leaving. It's a bottleneck. It creates a bottle. Come on, Blitzer. What happened? As I'm leaving the men's room to come back to the ballroom, all of a sudden, to my left, I hear gunshots.
- [21:35]
Host 2
Boom, boom. The next thing I knew, a police officer pushed me to the ground.
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Comedian/Commentator
There we go. That's what I'm. Now we're in the shit. That's what I'm talking about. All right, what happened next?
- [21:46]
Host 2
One of my shoes came off, and it took me a while to find that shoe. Later, one of my shoes fell off, and now I have that shoe back.
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Comedian/Commentator
I was walking around for a while without a shoe.
- [21:55]
Host 2
Oh, my Gosh, it was just a
- [21:57]
Host 1
sock, but you got it back. You were doing. Were you doing live shots with just one shoe?
- [22:00]
Comedian/Commentator
I was doing live shots with one shoe.
- [22:02]
Host 1
Wow.
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Comedian/Commentator
No focus. Fight it, old man. Fight it.
- [22:11]
Host 2
Now at McDonald's, a McDouble is 250. So you can get your gym gains on or just get lunch for only $2.50. Get more value on the under $3 menu.
- [22:21]
Comedian/Commentator 2
Limit time only.
- [22:22]
Comedian/Commentator
Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher for delivery.
- [22:30]
Comedian/Commentator 2
As we all know, there was an additional assassination at the White House correspondents dinner this weekend, which first of all, terrible week for light skinned dudes. You got this guy going for the President and chewing carpet. Klay Thompson cheating on Megan Thee Stallion. No pressure. But Drake, this album's gotta be fire. It's all on you. But that was just my takeaway. Republicans had another somehow dumber takeaway.
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Host 1
A group of Senate Republicans is pushing to fund the construction of President Trump's 90,000 square foot ballroom. Using taxpayer money, we're gonna introduce legislation
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Guest/Reporter
that would authorize $400 million to be spent to secure the to build the Presidential Ballroom.
- [23:22]
Comedian/Commentator 2
$400 million? That' we have to pay for this. We didn't try to shoot the President, make this guy pay for the ballroom. This is the administration that is obsessed with government waste. I can't believe they dissolved Doge right before Trump demanded a $400 million ballroom. It's like how the Michael Jackson movie ended right before he starts molesting
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Comedian/Commentator
you
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Comedian/Commentator 2
just went ahead and skipped all the important. Huh? We live in such a crazy time now that events don't even need to be connected to each other. Someone tried to kill the President, so now we're gonna build a ballroom. But I feel like someone completely trustworthy told us we wouldn't have to pay for anything.
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Host 2
We're putting up our own money with the government just paying for nothing. We did this. No charge to the taxpayer whatsoever. All private money. Not one penny is being used from the federal government.
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Comedian/Commentator 2
And, and to his word, it isn't one penny. It's 40 billion pennies. Honestly, as soon as I heard about the ballroom, I knew we would end up paying for it. Like, Trump is the type of dude to wine and dine you and then forget his wallet. He'll just be sitting with you like, I hope you had a great time. I just, uh. Oh, I, I hate to do this. But we're still gonna have sex, right? Don't get me wrong. With so many seniors getting scammed in America, I'm glad one of them is turning the tables. I just don't want it to be on us, you know? And 400 million is way too much. Why is this ballroom so expensive? Is the roof gonna be made of Coachella tickets? What could possibly make this thing cost so much? Like, be specific.
- [25:21]
Guest/Reporter
Underneath, there will be a lot of military stuff.
- [25:25]
Comedian/Commentator 2
Military stuff? What military stuff? Name ten military stuffs.
- [25:32]
Comedian/Commentator
I'll wait.
- [25:40]
Comedian/Commentator 2
Lindsey Graham. Sounds like me in fifth grade trying to convince my mom to get me an Xbox like you. You know, they make educational games, too. Here's what I don't get. The president travels with tons of security everywhere he goes. So what problem are we trying to solve exactly?
- [26:01]
Guest/Reporter
The ballroom itself will avoid the dilemma
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Comedian/Commentator 2
of having to leave the White House grounds.
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Guest/Reporter
He literally could have left his bedroom,
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Comedian/Commentator 2
walked out the back of the White
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Guest/Reporter
House, and been at the ballroom.
- [26:18]
Comedian/Commentator 2
Wait, wait, wait. The president needs to walk out of his bedroom into the ballroom? This feels like it's Lindsey's dream. I can see Lindsay. Like, I must rise from my silk sheets and directly into the cotillion. Oh, it's a mass cotillion. Where. Where I can be my truest self. This is not what a president is supposed to be focused on. Unless that president is 7 years old. You know, they're writing a list. Like, I'm gonna have a slide that goes right from my bed to the
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Host 1
pool,
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Comedian/Commentator 2
and I want a soup made out of candy so whenever I get hungry, I can just eat my shirt. But still, as good as the White House is, Trump is gonna have to leave.
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Host 1
Sometimes it really does put President Trump at risk to go around Washington D.C. like this. The president should not have to leave the White House to go to the Kennedy center. To go to the Hiltons and venture out. People should come to him.
- [27:31]
Comedian/Commentator 2
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. The president should have to leave his house? You don't want the leader of the free world to visit anything. Hold on. Is the president depressed? I know people keep trying to shoot him, but still.
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Host 2
But still,
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Comedian/Commentator 2
come to think of it, did he just get McDonald's door dashed to the house? That sounds like a man who's given up on life, you know? Wait till he finds out about snuggies. There have to be arguments for this ballroom that don't just make the president sound like an indoor cat.
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Guest/Reporter
I never understood the opposition to the ballroom.
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Comedian/Commentator 2
I mean, all women love ballrooms. All women love ballrooms. That argument is so sexist. It's one step away from being super woke. Like, all women love ballrooms. Why can't the president feel like a pretty girl? I mean, I don't even know how big of a deal this is because sure, all the Republicans are on board, but there's no way there's even one Democrat that's gonna support this.
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Host 1
So far, only one Democrat, Senator John Fetterman of Pennsylvania has come out in favor of this project.
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Comedian/Commentator 2
This dude is a ballroom guy. He's never worn a blazer that wasn't loaned to him by the mayor. Dean, the one time I've seen him wearing a jacket and tie, he was wearing them with a hoodie. He looks like he robbed somebody who was wearing a tie. It's like they told him he couldn't come in without one and then he saw a guy wearing one. He was like, get over here. What does he want a ballroom for? I bet Republicans say if he voted for it, they'd add a bell tower just for him. Look, I know Republicans had Project 2025, but I'm starting to think they never wrote Project 2026 because they're on day four of arguing that the President needs a ball ballroom to dance in while we're at war during an affordability crisis. But if we ask the government for housing or health care or daycare, this is what we get.
- [30:13]
Host 2
The United States can't take care of daycare. We can't take care of daycare. We're a big country. We have 50 states, we have all these other people. We're fighting wars. It's not possible for us to take care of daycare, Medicaid, Medicare, all these individual things. We have to take care of one thing.
- [30:30]
Comedian/Commentator 2
Military protection and and a ballroom.
- [30:36]
Host 1
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- [30:54]
Guest/Reporter
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- [31:31]
Host 1
Why wait? Ask your doctor. Visit botoxchronicmigraine.com or call 1-844botox to learn more.
- [31:37]
Host 2
Amazon presents Jeff vs. Taco Truck Salsa. Whether it's verde roja or the orange one, for Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flamethrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea and habanero. More like habanero. Yes. Save the everyday with Amazon.
- [32:10]
Comedian/Commentator 2
Let's start with King Charles, the world's oldest Nepo baby. He's visiting the United States this week because even though our country is falling apart right now, it's also our 250th birthday. So no matter how sad the party is gonna be, our friends are still coming over.
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Host 2
Okay.
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Comedian/Commentator 2
Then on the ride home, they'll be like, she is a rough 250. So yesterday, King Charles dropped by and he brought some jokes to cheer us up.
- [32:39]
Host 2
This is a city which symbolizes a period in our shared history. Or what Charles Dickens might have called a Tale of Two Georges.
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Comedian/Commentator 2
Wow. He really commands the stage. I'm sorry, he really colonizes the stage. What's annoying about this, as a comedian is that he is actually killing. I mean, look at him feeling himself in the laughs.
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Host 2
A Tale of Two Georgies.
- [33:16]
Comedian/Commentator 2
He's even got like a signature move with his hands.
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Host 2
And Charles did not stop there 250 years ago. Or as we say in the United Kingdom, just the other day, Dare I say that if it wasn't for us, you'd be speaking French.
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Comedian/Commentator 2
You know, I've always wondered what white def jab would be like. I kinda want him to keep going. Like, you ever notice that white people drive like this and black people steal your son? But yeah, Charles is crushing. Hit us with another one.
- [34:08]
Host 2
Magna Carta is cited in at least 160 Supreme Court cases since 1789, not least as the foundation of the principle that executive power is subject to checks and balances.
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Comedian/Commentator 2
Ooh, Ooh. He got us too good. It's funny. Cause you see, because we don't have checks and balances anymore because the foundations of our democracy are slowly being eroded away.
- [34:42]
Comedian/Commentator
Like, are you crazy, Chuck? You crazy?
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Comedian/Commentator 2
Oh. The best part of that joke is that right after Charles warned us about a leader with unchecked power, Trump was like, that's a good idea.
- [34:56]
Host 2
Breaking news.
- [34:56]
Guest/Reporter
Former FBI Director James Comey, one of President Trump's biggest political adversaries, has been indicted for a second time.
- [35:04]
Comedian/Commentator 2
Now, that's timing. Just to get you up to speed, a year ago, James Comey did the most retired old man thing ever. He walked on a beach and took a picture of seashells and even posted on social media like we wanted to see it, too.
- [35:20]
Host 2
This since deleted Instagram posts from Comey showing the numbers 8647 written in seashells on the beach with the caption, cool shell formation on my beach walk. Trump supporters condemning that post, claiming it was a call to 86 or kill the 47th president.
- [35:40]
Comedian/Commentator 2
This the seashells. That's the threat. Are you sure he was acting alone? Because as long as we're indicting, I heard about a woman who sells seashells by the seashore. That's suspicious as hell. Seriously, how do you get from this post, james Comey wants to murder the president?
- [36:01]
Host 2
James Comey is a very intelligent man. I would assume he knows what the term 86 means. I was a waiter for some time.
- [36:08]
Comedian/Commentator 2
When you 86 in order, you kill the order.
- [36:10]
Host 2
When you 86.
- [36:11]
Comedian/Commentator
45, that is tantamount to saying killing
- [36:15]
Host 2
the President of the United States.
- [36:16]
Comedian/Commentator
He should have known that when you
- [36:19]
Host 1
86 in order, you get rid of the order. Right, but you're not actually. I mean, you're not killing the food.
- [36:36]
Comedian/Commentator 2
Yeah, exactly. That would be weird, wouldn't it? Like, Joey, Joey, this ravioli, it's a little mushy, so take it out back and blow its brains out, capiche? Just so you're aware, this is probably not gonna work in court. Cause I know it's scary to be indicted, but this is definitely gonna get 86 by a judge. And in fact, if I could talk to the Department of Justice for just a second, I don't even think you believe you. Because if you're saying that those menacing seashells were a threat to the president, then why did it take you nearly a year to come after Comey? I thought the Secret Service on Saturday night was slow. I owe them an apology. Just so we're all clear, 86 means getting rid of something off a menu or kicking someone out of a place. It's been understood to mean those things since the 1930s. It's actually one of the last good slang terms that white people invented. Since then, it's been nothing but bazinga and amazeballs and. And a few new slurs. Mostly the slurs. So I'm not worried that James Comey is actually going to prison. But what's bumming me out is the fact that our president feels totally unencumbered to use the power of the Justice Department to go after people he doesn't like.
- [37:52]
Host 1
You know,
- [38:01]
Comedian/Commentator 2
This whole thing is so depressing. I could use a pick me up.
- [38:05]
Host 2
As Oscar Wilde said, we have really everything in common with America nowadays. Except of course, language.
- [38:16]
Comedian/Commentator 2
Oh, damn. Get him, Chuck. Get him. I honestly don't even know what that means.
- [38:22]
Host 2
But where is Daredevil? I'm right here.
- [38:28]
Comedian/Commentator
Don't miss the return of Marvel Television's Daredevil Born Again.
- [38:32]
Host 1
So what's next?
- [38:32]
Comedian/Commentator
I feel liberated. We're going to take this city back over medicated in an all new season. Now streaming only on Disney plus.
- [38:41]
Host 1
They're hunting us. It's time we started hunting them.
- [38:44]
Comedian/Commentator
I can work with them.
- [38:47]
Host 1
This should be tons of fun.
- [38:49]
Host 2
Marvel Television's Daredevil Born again.
- [38:51]
Comedian/Commentator
Now streaming only on Disney plus.
- [38:55]
Comedian/Commentator 2
Lowe's has the brand's pros trust to get the job done. You can now shop new Catalyst fencing solutions and save big when you do, 10% off when you buy in bulk. Plus save 180 on a DeWalt 12
- [39:09]
Host 2
inch dual bevel sliding compound miter saw. Now just $449. Our best lineup is here at Lowe's.
- [39:17]
Comedian/Commentator 2
Valid through 5, 6.
- [39:18]
Host 2
Wall supplies last selection varies by location.
- [39:27]
Comedian/Commentator 2
Let's start with the latest update on the war in Iran, which is that there is no update. It's still happening. You know, I'm starting to get worried about my river cruise this summer up the straight of Hermuz. Man, I booked a balcony room too. But don't worry, because Donald Trump is doing everything he can to wrap it up.
- [39:48]
Host 2
We're having talks with him now. And we're not flying anymore. With 18 hour flights every time we want to see a piece of paper, we're doing it telephonically and it's very nice.
- [40:03]
Comedian/Commentator 2
Telephonically. Damn, that's an impressive. You know, makes anyone with a phone sound like a wizard. I order large meat lovers telephonically. Now, to be clear, that is a word, but he didn't know that. He talks the way I play Scrabble. You know, just like, oh, wow, I was just throwing letters together. How many points is that? That was from yesterday during an event Trump did with the Artemis astronauts and the chief of NASA. And we all know Trump loves space, so he has the utmost respect for these professionals.
- [40:43]
Host 1
Sorry. Are you considering relocating NASA's headquarters out of D.C. once the lease is up states like Texas, Ohio, and Florida.
- [40:51]
Host 2
Well, the best man to tell you that is the man standing right over here. You heard that question with those beautiful ears of yours. He's that great, you know, super. He's got super hearing.
- [41:01]
Guest/Reporter
Trick of the trade, sir.
- [41:09]
Comedian/Commentator
Wow.
- [41:11]
Comedian/Commentator 2
He's just standing there like, good one, sir. Haven't heard that since grade school. And I didn't think I'd hear it again, but I did. In my 40s from the president. Trump just can't resist being a bully. He's sitting there like, hey, they say in space no one can hear you scream. Except for this guy, right?
- [41:35]
Comedian/Commentator
He could definitely hear it. Am I right? Am I right?
- [41:40]
Comedian/Commentator 2
And by the way, these astronauts do not look happy to be there. They're like, this is the most uncomfortable I've ever felt. And two weeks ago, I was pooping in zero gravity. But let's move, because while Trump was ear shaming astronauts, the Supreme Court was busy at work this morning.
- [41:56]
Host 1
The Supreme Court delivering a major blow to the landmark Voting Rights Act.
- [42:00]
Comedian/Commentator 2
The court's conservative majority ruling 6 to 3 that Louisiana's current congressional map with 2 majority African American districts is unconstitutional.
- [42:10]
Guest/Reporter
Saying lawmakers allowed race to play a part in government decision making.
- [42:14]
Comedian/Commentator 2
Democrats blasting the ruling, arguing that other
- [42:17]
Guest/Reporter
majority black districts are now vulnerable to being erased.
- [42:22]
Comedian/Commentator 2
That's right. The Supreme Court saw that Louisiana had two whole black congressmen, and they were like, whoa, what is this, Showtime at the Apollo? Let's dial this back. But now, thanks to the Supreme Court, black districts are gonna get erased all across the south, which is horrible for civil rights, but pretty great for all the new civil rights movies we're gonna be making. You know, so this is fantastic from like a Denzel perspective. And obviously the Supreme Court didn't come right out and say that states can be racist. Justice Palpatine isn't that dumb.
- [42:57]
Host 2
All right.
- [42:58]
Comedian/Commentator 2
He played it much smoother.
- [43:00]
Host 1
Just as Samuel Alito writing, race can only be taken into account when there's evidence that a state intentionally drew its districts to afford minority voters less opportunity because of their race.
- [43:11]
Comedian/Commentator 2
That's crazy. All right, so just to be clear, for Alito, the map is not racist unless the guy drawing it finishes it and goes, man, I'm racist. Now, if you're watching this whole thing unfold and you're thinking to yourself, this seems pretty racist, Republicans have great news for you.
- [43:34]
Guest/Reporter
I think after 160 years of after
- [43:37]
Host 2
the Civil War, it's time that we
- [43:39]
Guest/Reporter
didn't have a race based reason for
- [43:41]
Host 2
doing things in 2020.
- [43:42]
Host 1
6. In the United States, the reasons to use race for line drawing deliberately that occurred to remedy discrimination in the South 50 years ago no longer exist in America.
- [43:53]
Guest/Reporter
The court said you have to have modern examples of how voters have been racially discriminated against. And fortunately, America has come a long way since the 1960s. It has. Fortunately. It's the end of pretending that this is a racist country.
- [44:10]
Comedian/Commentator 2
Racism's over. Oh boy. I can finally use my real voice. What's up, dawg? I just thought when racism would be over, we'd hear about it from like a civil rights leader or something. Not a guy who looks like a racist version of the dad from Modern Families. It almost feels like we're going in reverse because the people from the 60s in black and white TV were like, wow, this country is being pretty racist. We should pass some legislation. And the people crippling that legislation are from now in 4K. Just so we're all aware, newscasters who would do reports like that Jackie Robinson is the best colored player in the Negro League, believed in voting rights more than our representatives. Now. Now what these people don't get is that to the extent that there's less discrimination now, it's partly because we had the vra. So this is like my uncle who threw away his medication cause he said his heart wasn't bothering him anymore. And to be fair, he did stop having heart problems because he's dead. And one of the most brain breaking things about this ruling is it's literally taking power from black people in the south. And it was voted for by a black guy from the South. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is black. He might not know it, but he is black. How could you of all people vote for this? Clarence? You were like an uncle to all of us. Uncle Clarence Thomas. Uncle Thomas for short. Uncle Tom for shorter. But look, we don't have to pretend here. At the end of the day, we all know that this decision was not about moving on from race. This is the Supreme Court majority handing a win to Republicans. I know that, you know that and the Republicans definitely know that because their leader said it out loud.
- [46:26]
Host 1
Mr. President, I want to go back to the Supreme Court ruling on the Voting Rights Act. I know you said you haven't seen it yet.
- [46:30]
Host 2
When did it come out, just now?
- [46:31]
Host 1
No, it came out this morning. But basically very much narrows the Voting Rights Act.
- [46:35]
Host 2
Was he considered a win for who?
- [46:37]
Host 1
Win for Republicans.
- [46:37]
Host 2
I love it.
- [46:41]
Comedian/Commentator 2
You could always count on Trump to get right to the point. Like it's a win for Republicans. Did you guys hear that? I know this guy did
- [46:50]
Host 2
Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. Plus, this has been a Comedy Central podcast.
- [47:11]
Comedian/Commentator 2
Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone Paying Big Wireless Way Too Much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just
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Comedian/Commentator
$15 a month, of course, if you enjoy overpaying.
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Comedian/Commentator 2
No judgments.
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Comedian/Commentator
But that's weird.
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Comedian/Commentator 2
Okay, one judgment anyway, give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for
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Host 1
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Guest/Reporter
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