This Week's News | Jon Stewart on Trump's Tariff Tirade & Desi Lydic on the Gory State of the Union

Summary

The Daily Show: Ears Edition

Episode: This Week's News | Jon Stewart on Trump’s Tariff Tirade & Desi Lydic on the Gory State of the Union
Date: February 28, 2026

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Overview

This episode, led by Jon Stewart and the Daily Show News Team (with segments also featuring Desi Lydic), tackles the week’s most explosive headlines. The focus is on Donald Trump’s dramatic State of the Union address, the political fallout from his tariffs, escalating international tensions (especially with Iran), media and government weirdness, and darkly comic takes on recent scandals involving both politicians and billionaires. The team uses trademark Daily Show satire, blending rapid-fire jokes, biting criticism, and surreal humor to capture the absurd state of American politics.

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1. Opening: National Division and Dystopia

(00:17–03:00)

Key Points:

• The episode opens with a somber look at the nation’s mood: “This country is in such emotional turmoil right now,” referencing government-sanctioned violence, corruption, and manufactured cultural outrage, e.g., outrage at a Spanish-language Super Bowl halftime show.
• Satirically laments America “sliding into the abyss of fallen and broken democracies."
• Contrast between national dysfunction and a rare unifying moment: the US men’s hockey team winning gold, with a joke about “vulcanized rubber disc” healing the divide, only for the segment to spiral absurdly into why the FBI director is getting a medal and “crazy eyes” memes.

Notable Quote:

• “It’s a feeling that we are one nation divided, under siege. That perhaps we’ve crossed a Rubicon of this great American experiment.” —Left-Leaning Political Commentator (00:25)

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2. Hockey Victory as Right-Wing Culture War

(03:00–05:16)

Key Points:

• Right-wing media compares beating Canada at hockey to defeating the Soviet Union (“1980 Olympics vibes”), implying Canada is now the new ideological enemy.
• Satirical take on “sore winning” and the absurdity of pretending Canada is a U.S. adversary (“I think we had like a little fight about beaver pelts in like 1789…”).

Quote:

• “Why are we such dicks? And by the way, don’t we in America have enough real enemies? Now we gotta pretend like Canada’s way of life is incongruous to the West?”—Left-Leaning Political Commentator (04:23)

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3. Escalating Tensions with Iran

(05:16–09:31)

Key Points:

• Whiplash coverage: While the country celebrates hockey and debates tariffs, America is “days away from war with Iran” (mocking media over “drumbeats of war”).
• Cynical takes on rapid escalation, referencing prior Iraq war propaganda (“They got weapons of mass destruction swap”).
• Mocks Trump’s contradictory claims: boasting Iran’s nuclear program is “obliterated," then supporting maneuvers to stop Iran developing a bomb “by Monday."
• Satirical summary: The Trump doctrine involves “re-obliterating” the same targets every few months or strong-arming Iran into a new nuclear deal similar to the one Trump previously withdrew from.

Memorable Exchange:

• “So the kind of obliteration that somehow rebliterates almost immediately.” —Left-Leaning Political Commentator (07:56)
• “It’s all in chapter nine of Art of the Deal: Eating your own asshole.” —Comedic Political Analyst (09:17)

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4. Trump’s Unconstitutional Tariffs and Supreme Court Clash

(11:19–13:44)

Key Points:

• Supreme Court, mostly with Trump appointees, rules Trump’s sweeping tariffs unconstitutional.
• Trump lashes out at the Court, calling them “unpatriotic and disloyal to our Constitution…an embarrassment to their families.”
• The hosts marvel that the Court debated the issue 10 months, only for Trump to promise even higher tariffs (“raise global tariffs to 15%").
• Frustration that Trump escapes accountability yet again, likened to the “roadrunner."

Quote:

• “When a guy who had sex with a porn star right after his wife had given birth tells you you’re an embarrassment to your family...” —Left-Leaning Political Commentator (12:47)
• “He always gets away. Like the roadrunner. We gotcha.” —Comedic Political Analyst (13:44)

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5. America as ‘Punch’: Lost Prestige

(14:00–19:03)

Key Points:

• Extended metaphor: America isn’t the "shining city on a hill" but rather "the weird smelly monkey nobody wants to play with."
• Discursive riff on how America’s foreign relations are deteriorating—mocking sending a hospital ship to Greenland (00:09:09), which doesn’t need it, and the ships being out of commission.
• Critiques on pushing away allies, abandoning Ukraine, and “charging everyone 15% more.”

Quote:

• “America has gone from being a shining city on a hill to being the weird smelly monkey nobody wants to play with.” —Left-Leaning Political Commentator (19:05)

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6. FCC’s Patriotism Campaign and RFK Jr.’s Gym Antics

(20:30–23:31)

Key Points:

• FCC Chairman Brendan Carr initiates the “Voluntary Pledge America” campaign—calls for more patriotic TV: daily pledges, national anthem, Sousa and Gershwin specials.
• Sarcastic appraisal that patriotic programming is not what will save TV: “You don’t need patriotic music, you need to make Traitors US as good as Traitors UK.”
• Segment on HHS Secretary RFK Jr. teaming up with Kid Rock for an awkward, cringey “Rock Out Workout” campaign to promote health, which descends into gross-out humor about exercise bikes in the sauna, hand herpes, and general bizarre visuals.

Quote:

• “I have never seen a bigger gap between what I’m seeing and what I’m hearing. The music says ‘the man’, but the visuals say ‘my doctor wants me to maintain my bone density.’” —Satirical Host (21:46)

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7. Political Scandals: J.D. Vance, Kristi Noem, and the ‘Bang Bus’ Jet

(24:05–28:47)

Key Points:

• J.D. Vance’s painfully awkward and bland home cooking recounted in a family interview (“veggies and ranch dressing baked on a crescent roll...they say white people don’t...").
• Kristi Noem’s apparent affair with Corey Lewandowski, both married. They’re using a taxpayer-funded luxury plane supposedly for “immigrant deportation flights” (but used for trysts). Satirical take on the absurdity of this set-up—“bang bus in the sky.”
• Noem fired a Coast Guard pilot over her forgotten blanket, highlighting petulance and waste.

Quote:

• “How do they justify charging the country for their bang bus in the sky?” —Satirical Host (27:10)

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8. State of the Union: Trump’s ‘Golden Age’ Turns Bloody

(30:55–36:00)

Key Points:

• Trump’s State of the Union speech is both the longest in history and, per Stewart, “endless.”
• Trump boasts of America’s “golden age,” but quickly pivots to extremely graphic anecdotes of crime and violence—“gushing blood,” “shredding his leg into numerous pieces.”
• Satirizes this jarring shift: “Was this the State of the Union or a Quentin Tarantino movie?”
• Republicans interrupt with constant applause; Democrats sit in stony silence, which visibly annoys Trump.
• Trump doles out awards like "an Oscars for heroism," before candidly stating, “I’ve always wanted the Congressional Medal of Honor, but I was informed I’m not allowed to give it to myself.”

Quotes:

• “Which part of this is the golden age? Can we just get back to the uplifting optimism, gushing blood which was flowing—” —Satirical Host (32:30)
• “He didn’t just give out one award, he gave out all the awards. Guess the state of our union was come on down.” —Satirical Host (35:37)

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9. Epstein Files Fallout: Gates, Clintons, and Trump

(38:06–42:36)

Key Points:

• Fall-out from the ‘Epstein files’ impacts Bill Gates and the Clintons.
• Stewart mocks Gates’s oversharing about extramarital affairs with Russian women at the Gates Foundation meeting.
• Hillary and Bill Clinton under scrutiny, with Congress finally seeming ready to demand accountability—at least for the Clintons, not Trump.
• The DOJ is missing potentially incriminating files regarding Trump’s connection to Epstein, with Stewart expressing deep cynicism about any real consequences.

Quote:

• “It’s staggering to think about how much money lawyers have been paid because of Bill’s penis. His dick has a higher GDP than most nations.” —Satirical Host (40:21)
• “Now, usually you would expect that a batch of missing files linking the President to international sex crimes would be the main story... But conservative media has found a story even more disturbing and explosive.” —Satirical Host (42:12)

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10. Snowball Riots and the State of Media Priorities

(42:36–44:09)

Key Points:

• Counterpoint to high-stakes scandals: Conservative outrage over an “assault” on NYPD officers—who were hit with snowballs during a city-wide snowball fight.
• Stewart mocks the melodrama and misplaced priorities—"Was it just an incident, snowball fight? Did people go too far? All I can say is... I just hope spring gets here soon so that we can get back to hitting each other with hammers.”

Quote:

• “That’s not a snowball fight. That was cops getting pummeled by snowballs.” —Conservative Commentator (42:58)

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Memorable Moments & Satirical Highlights

• “It’s all in chapter nine of Art of the Deal: Eating your own asshole.” —Comedic Political Analyst (09:31)
• “Mother—we had him. He always gets away. Like the roadrunner.” —Comedic Political Analyst (13:44)
• Trump’s comically self-centered riff: “I’ve always wanted the Congressional Medal of Honor, but I was informed I’m not allowed to give it to myself.” (36:00)
• Sarcastic lament: “America has gone from being a shining city on a hill to being the weird smelly monkey nobody wants to play with.” (19:05)
• On media priorities: “Now, usually you would expect that a batch of missing files linking the President to international sex crimes would be the main story... But conservative media has found a story even more disturbing and explosive.” (42:12)

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Notable Timestamps

• 00:17–01:07 — Opening theme, national mood, "crossed the Rubicon"
• 03:00–05:06 — Hockey “culture war,” anti-Canada satire
• 05:16–09:31 — Iran war escalation lampooned; Trump on nukes
• 11:53–13:44 — Supreme Court tariffs ruling & Trump’s reaction
• 19:00–19:29 — “Weird smelly monkey” metaphor for America
• 20:30–23:31 — FCC patriotism, RFK Jr. & Kid Rock
• 24:05–28:47 — Vance’s casserole, Noem & Lewandowski plane shenanigans
• 30:55–36:12 — Trump’s gore-drenched State of the Union, awards marathon
• 38:06–41:50 — Epstein fallout: Gates, Clintons, Trump
• 42:36–44:09 — “Snowball fight riot” and media absurdity

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Summary

This episode encapsulates America’s surreal political moment with a relentless barrage of gags, jabs, and satirical exasperation. Stewart and the team juggle the war scare with Iran, Trump’s tariff regime, a cartoonishly violent State of the Union, and revelation after revelation about past and present elite misbehavior—all while lampooning media distractions (snowball fight as “insurrection”) and failed political accountability. The episode is a comedic master class in making the bizarre state of the nation intelligible—and entertaining—for listeners.

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For fans and newcomers alike, this summary distills both the chaotic news cycle and The Daily Show’s pitch-perfect comedic diagnosis of America’s modern malaise.

Transcript

[Ninjalux Cafe Announcer]

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[Conservative Commentator]

You're listening to Comedy Central.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

Let's get to the big news of the week. As you know, tomorrow night is President Donald Jar Jar Trump's big State of the Union speech. But no matter what Trump says, folks, it's not going to change how we in this country are feeling. This country is in such emotional turmoil right now. The government sanctioned and executed violence in Minnesota, the rank corruption and profiteering of elected officials and their families, the manufactured outrage over, God forbid, an American performing at halftime in the super bowl in Spanish. It's a feeling that we are one nation divided, under siege. That perhaps we've crossed a Rubicon of this great American experiment. And that we slowly and inexorably are sliding into the abyss of fallen and broken democracies.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

But then, black across it comes Jeff Hughes wins it. The golden goal for the United States. What? We're back, mother. I know the powerful elites remain unaccountable, but he put the thing behind that other guy. This country sinking into us. That's bull we can't recover from. But the vulcanized rubber disk went past the lord of the Net. It was so unifying. There is nothing that can take away from the joyous moment as all Americans celebrate this incredi. Wait, what the. Is that FBI Direct Director Cash Patel? Why is our FBI and why are

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

they putting a medal around the neck of FBI director? Is Cash Patel a make a wish

[Comedic Political Analyst]

man? Is that what this is? How did. Why is that. I mean, listen, and I'm not trying to diminish his condition.

[Trump Supporter/Defender]

Listen, listen.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

There is currently no cure for crazy eyes. Crazy eyes. For when you want to turn every picture into some sort of meth fueled mugshot. Are you telling me? I was going 90 and a 35? But I gotta tell you, Maga especially is going crazy for the victory.

[Satirical Host]

American pride, power and patriotism on full display.

[Conservative Commentator]

This is time for America, not you whining little clowns. Masculinity and celebration, these are things that like, have been completely and totally sanitized from our arch feminist culture, our estrogenetic culture.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

First of all, what a super weird year hockey is having.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

Like in four months to go from nobody gives a shit about hockey to, well, I like to watch them. 2.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

Only hockey can save us from a dystopian extrogenetic future. Perhaps the strangest part is how this victory in a hockey match is being perceived on the right Geopolitically gotta go

[Conservative Commentator]

all the way back to 1980 when we defeated the Soviets. This felt just as sweet because I guess since we don't have Russia to kick around anymore, Canada, they're practically communist

[Satirical Host]

and they're cozying up to the chain.

[Conservative Commentator]

Hockey is all that they have. And we took that away.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

That's all they got. What's with the sore winning? Why are we such dicks? And by the way, don't we in America have enough real enemies? Now we gotta pretend like Canada's way of life is incongruous to the west. Yeah, those completely best neighbors our nation has ever had. I think we had like a little fight about beaver pelts in like 1789. Since then it's both sailing. We have defeated our new enemy Canada on the ice and vanquished them to

[Comedic Political Analyst]

the penalty box of history.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

Now America can live in a golden era of peace, prosperity.

[Satirical Host]

The United States could be on the

[News Reporter]

brink of war with Iran.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

What the. They don't even skate.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

What possible conflict could we have with people in street shoes?

[Comedic Political Analyst]

Is this real?

[Conservative Commentator]

The drumbeat of a possible war with Iran growing louder. The largest assembly of U.S. forces in the Middle east that we've seen in years.

[Satirical Host]

One report is saying we are days away from strikes, days away from war.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

Usually when we get into war in the Middle east, there's a Marty supreme level press rollout. Months and months of endless promotion, interviews, manufactured intelligence.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

They got weapons of mass destruction swap.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

Until finally we acquiesce to the war just in the hopes that the selling of it will stop. Because it seems vaguely charming. But this war, one day it's nothing and the next day we filled their waterway with giant ships. Why? What's the urgency?

[Conservative Commentator]

Special envoy Steve Witkoff has this warning about Iran's nuclear power.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

They're probably a week away from having industrial grade bomb making material. Oh my God, an atomic bomb by Monday. Oh, shit. When was this interview taped? Do they already have the bomb?

[Comedic Political Analyst]

Is it five business days to the bomb? Do Muslims get weekends? Do they work through,

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

I gotta say, a week away from having the material for a nuclear bomb. I'm a little surprised to hear that. You know, I thought I remembered someone saying something about that nation's nuclear program being. What was the word I was looking for?

[Trump Supporter/Defender]

Iran's key nuclear enrichment facilities have been completely and totally obliterated.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

That's right. I remember Trump saying we totally obliterated their nuclear program and yelling at people who questioned it, which makes me wonder how obliterated was it?

[Trump Supporter/Defender]

It was obliterated. Like nobody's ever seen before.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

So the kind of obliteration that somehow rebliterates

[Comedic Political Analyst]

almost immediately.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

Yes. No one has ever seen that before.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

We obliterated that building.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

The building we are currently standing on. Yes, that is correct. So is our plan now to re obliterate their nuclear program every few months or is there a longer term strategy?

[Conservative Commentator]

Taking the armada to offshore Iran is to put pressure on Iran first and foremost to come to the table to negotiate around nuclear weapons.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

Oh, I see the old carrot. And stick our peace through strength will force Iran to make, let's call it an Iran nuclear deal. I think I remember that phrase from when we made a nuclear deal with Iran. Whatever happened to that?

[Trump Supporter/Defender]

I am announcing today that the United States will withdraw from the Iran nuclear deal.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

Oh right.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

Trump obliterated it. So just to be clear, Donald Trump is on the brink of war with Iran. To either obliterate the program Trump had previously obliterated or to force them into signing a deal like the one Trump had pulled out. It's all in chapter nine of Art of the deal. Eating your own asshole,

[Comedic Political Analyst]

your own. Usa.

[Trump Supporter/Defender]

Usa.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

Usa. Is that how Hitler started? It was usa and suddenly people are

[Comedic Political Analyst]

just like usa, usa.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

But obviously there is no more solemn response. I segue into more serious. But obviously there is no. There is no more solemn responsibility for the President of the United States than the decision he makes to put Americans in harm's way through armed conflict. So as the President recently took to the podium, this burden of history clearly heavily weighing on his soul.

[Trump Supporter/Defender]

I made a speech at a factory. They made steel products. And I said, how are you? Nice to meet you. How's business? President, I'd love to kiss you. This is a very powerful man. I don't want to be kissed by that man.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

You can always tell when a story is true when it contains a character who refers to Trump as quote, President, just President, not President Trump, not Mr. President, just President. But I'm sorry I interrupted your story, President. What else did this very real person say to you?

[Trump Supporter/Defender]

He said, sir, I want to kiss you so badly. And I said, no, thank you.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

Yes, yes. All the steelworkers want to kiss you and your unbelievably tariffs. We'll read all about it in the official history of your presidency. Team of heated rivals. As America stands on the precipice of armed conflict with Iran, Donald Trump is single mindedly focused on preserving his wildly unpopular tariffs that somebody finally had the balls to say were illegal.

[Conservative Commentator]

After months of anticipation, the Supreme Court

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

today Ruling that President Trump's sweeping tariffs imposed under the International Emergency Economic Powers act are unconstitutional. Wow. A court composed mostly of his own party's appointees has struck down the constitutionality of Trump's go it alone tariff regime. That's bound to cause him some introspection.

[Trump Supporter/Defender]

They're just being fools and lap dogs for the rhinos. They also are a, frankly, disgrace to our nation. Those justices. They're very unpatriotic and disloyal to our Constitution. I think it's an embarrassment to their families. You want to know the truth?

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

When a guy who had sex with a porn star right after his wife had given birth tells you you're an embarrassment to your family,

[Comedic Political Analyst]

I think you

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

have to take that seriously. But the Supreme Court didn't come to this decision rashly.

[Conservative Commentator]

The Supreme Court took months to make this decision. They had oral arguments back in November.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

They took 10 months working through all

[Conservative Commentator]

the thorny legal issues associated with this case, trying to thread some type of needle.

[News Reporter]

Lots of nuanced legal issues that the court has to thoroughly consider.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

The court put in the work.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

And that's why this decision will stand the test of President Trump doubling down

[Conservative Commentator]

on his trade policy, saying that he will raise global tariffs to 15%.

[Ninjalux Cafe Announcer]

Mother.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

We had him. We had him. We had him. He always gets away. Like the roadrunner. We gotcha.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

Me. Me. It's so dispiriting. You know what we need? We need one of them stuffed comfort monkeys that poor Punch has. Poor Punch. Although. And no disrespect, but clearly there is probably something wrong with that monster. I don't.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

Please, I say this.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

Hear me out. I understand, and it's adorable. And he's breaking my heart. But that being said, who are we to question the wisdom of the tribe?

[Comedic Political Analyst]

No, I'm just saying they're the ones that know him best. They've decided he's problematic. What the. Oh, you know better. You know monkeys better than the monkeys? Is that it? All the little monkey experts all decided in the minute of a blizzard to come here tonight. And these monkey. Let me tell you something. Who. No, all y', all, let me. Who are we to question their lived experience for our parasocial attack? I mean, look, they decided.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

The mom, the elders, the juniors, even that stuffed monkey looks like, hey, I don't want to be here.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

I could be living the life of Riley in a nice bedroom in Westchester. Instead, I'm being dragged through the gravel in the middle of Ichikawa. I'm sorry. I'm standing by this. Sometimes it's gonna go from funny.

[Ninjalux Cafe Announcer]

To me.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

That's just what happens. That's just what happens. And by the way, oh, it's all cute now, but when puberty comes, that is not gonna be a happy stuffed monkey. Trust me. Tr.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

It's comfort now,

[Comedic Political Analyst]

but he's wifing it later. Trust me.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

How dare you people substitute your wisdom for those other moms. I was doing this all weekend. My wife's gonna be so mad at me all weekend. I just kept going, but there's gotta be something wrong with the monkey, right?

[Comedic Political Analyst]

Not funny.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

Anyways, the point is, folks, We're on the brink of war with the Wrong. I gotta work on the segue.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

I'm sorry.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

Okay. We're on the brink of war with Iran.

[Conservative Commentator]

Mm.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

The point is, folks, we're on the brink of war with Iran. Russia still bombs Ukraine with impunity, and yet Trump is out there kissing dudes over tariffs and saving his most vicious rhetoric for our own Supreme Court.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

Can the State of the Union get any more surreal?

[Conservative Commentator]

President Trump mystified a lot of people over the weekend when he announced a US Hospital ship was on its way to Greenland.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

What?

[Comedic Political Analyst]

Greenland doesn't need a hospital ship. They've got universal health care. We need a hospital ship. Where's our hospital ship? But like, like most things, Trump, it's even stupider than that.

[Conservative Commentator]

Both of the American hospital ships, Mercy and Comfort, are out of commission, under repair. Comfort isn't even in the water.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

Look, I'm no expert boat guy, but they are supposed to be in the water.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

Yes.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

What are we doing? We're trolling Denmark. We're going to war with Iran. We're abandoning Ukraine.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

We're charging everybody 15% more.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

We're pushing away our closest neighbors, ostracizing ourselves from the entire. Oh my God, we're punch. America has gone from being a shining city on a hill to being the weird smelly monkey nobody wants to play with.

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[Satirical Host]

Let's begin with Brendan Carr, FCC chairman and hairless Wolf Blitzer. He's in charge of magifying all the ways Americans communicate, whether it be radio, television or whatever you're watching me on right now. Probably an Instagram reel someone stole from TikTok. And he's got some exciting new ideas.

[Conservative Commentator]

The Federal Communications Commission is urging broadcasters to air more patriotic pro America content. FCC Chair Brendan Carr launched the Voluntary Pledge America campaign Friday, which calls on stations to promote civil education, national pride and shared history. This could be through the forms of history specials, daily Pledge of Allegiance recitals, the national anthem, or music from American composers like Sousa and Gershwin.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

Wow.

[Satirical Host]

They say TV's a dying medium, but wait till you tune in for our daily Pledge of Allegiance. Honey, did you watch the Pledge of Allegiance without me? No spoilers. Listen, if you want to make TV more patriotic, you don't need patriotic music. You need to figure out how to make traders us as Good as traitors uk let's move on to RFK junior Secretary of Health and World's Most Patient Zero. After just one incredible year in charge of our nation's health, he's lowered our vaccination rates, boosted our measles outbreaks, and somehow infected the President with hand herpes. But he is just getting started. Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Teaming up with Kid Rock for what they're calling the Rock out workout. I have never seen a bigger gap between what I'm seeing and what I'm hearing. The music says the man, but the visuals say my doctor wants me to maintain my bone density. You might be wondering, why are these two old men working out together in a swinger ski chalet? But honestly, would you rather they were working out in your gym with you? Don't worry about wiping down the machine. I welcome your probiotics. That even grossed me out. Point is, it's a very gross video. But could it get grosser?

[Comedic Political Analyst]

Questions that don't have any answers?

[Satirical Host]

Wait, have I been using the sauna wrong? I've just been sitting there giving hand jobs to straight

[Comedic Political Analyst]

I just.

[Satirical Host]

I have so many questions. One, why is there an exercise bike in the sauna? Two, who are you flipping off? And three, how fast can I sew up my vagina? And RFK Jr. Is doing all of this in jeans. I really hope you wash those afterwards.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

The topless dancers, the gander freaks, cars back to speakers. The GS with the 40s and the chicks with beeps.

[Satirical Host]

Oh, that is not what I meant. Oh, my God. That water's like the Wuhan lab right now. It's a good thing he's not vaccinated. Cause he could have turned out weird, but okay. Anyway, let's stop. This is too gross. We're done. No more clips. One more clip and I'm highly worth

[Comedic Political Analyst]

and for my hood. So the world misunderstood. I said it's all good and it's all in foreign. They're getting the patent.

[Satirical Host]

Okay, now this just looks like porn with the sex scenes cut out. Hello, pool boy. Can I offer you a glass of lukewarm milk? And now to the sauna end of film. Let's move on to J.D. vance, Vice President and Pillsbury Proud Boy. J.D. and his wife, Usha Vance, sat down with Lara Trump in a fun interview. That was normal and relaxed. So let's see them be normal and relaxed. Well, J.D. i have to ask you. What the are you laughing at? All she said was, I have to ask you.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

Ha ha, ha ha.

[Satirical Host]

I love human interactions with normal humans. Sorry, I interrupted. What was the question? What is the best and worst dish that you ever cooked for your wife?

[Conservative Commentator]

So if she's a vegetarian. I am not. I'm like, thinking to myself, what does a vegetarian eat?

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Okay.

[Conservative Commentator]

Vegetables, dairy, and bread. So I went to the grocery store. I got those crescent rolls that you can get. They're very good. I rolled them out, like, into a pizza shape and put vegetables and ranch dressing on top and stuck it in the oven for 30 minutes.

[Satirical Host]

Veggies and ranch dressing baked on a crescent roll. And they say white people don't. Personally, I do think that there's a hopeful message here for men. No matter who you are, there is a woman out there that will look at you and say, I guess this is the best I can do. Finally, let's move on to Kristi Noem, Secretary of Homeland Security and Spirit, Halloween's number one customer. As head of dhs, Noem has a busy job starting wars in American cities. But somehow, she seems to have found time for love. A Wall Street Journal investigation is raising new questions about Noem's close relationship with her unofficial number two, Corey Lewandowski.

[Conservative Commentator]

The pair, who are both married to other people, have publicly denied the reports of an affair. But people said they do little to hide their relationship inside the department.

[Satirical Host]

Guys, finally this administration has a sex scandal involving consensus.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

We did it. Usa. Usa. Usa. Usa.

[Satirical Host]

But look, I know, I know it's a bit unseemly, but I try to stay out of people's personal business. I mean, it's not like Christy and Corey are flying around on a taxpayer funded plane.

[Conservative Commentator]

Lewandowski and Gnome have lately been using a luxury 737 Max jet with a private cabin in back for their travel around the country.

[News Reporter]

Kristi Noem and Corey Lewandowski have had

[Satirical Host]

the taxpayers lease this jet for their use. Okay, so they're flying around on a taxpayer funded plane. How do they justify charging the country for their bang bus in the sky?

[News Reporter]

On paper, they say they need this particular plane for, quote, immigrant deportation flights.

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[Satirical Host]

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. So sure this is the plane they're using to deport illegal immigrants. Hey, sit your ass down and put on these shackles. And here's your hot towel. And we have a selection of wines for your enjoyment. Can you imagine actually being deported on that plane? And the whole time you're hearing Corey and Kristi Noem grunting in the back, I'd be like, can this plane please hurry up and land in South Sudan already? By the way, it's not just the fancy plane that Noem is fussy about.

[News Reporter]

During one official trip, people familiar with the incident say, quote, noem had to switch planes after a maintenance issue was discovered, but her blanket wasn't moved to the second plane. Corey Lewandowski then fired a U.S. coast Guard pilot after Noem's blanket was left behind.

[Conservative Commentator]

Wow.

[Satirical Host]

For a woman getting dicked down on the regular, she sure is tense. I mean, you fired the pilot because you forgot your blanket. That's not the pilot's job. His job is to circle the airport until everyone in the back has had time to climax. But I guess that's the end of that pilot's career. They eventually reinstated the pilot, according to the Journal, because no one else was available to fly them home. Oh, my God. Could this get any dumber?

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[Satirical Host]

Last night, Donald Trump gave the longest State of the Union address in history, just beating out Harry Truman's performance of the Vagina Monologues. But honestly, it didn't feel long. It felt endless. That's because I wasn't sleeping through it, unlike some people is how it gives

[Trump Supporter/Defender]

Americans the chance to see clearly what their representatives really believe. Pillar of the American dream that has been under attack is homeownership. With us tonight is Rachel Wiggins, a mom of two from Houston.

[Satirical Host]

Well, who says Democrats are woke? They were just honoring Black History Month by also having a dream. But let's not focus on length. Let's focus on girth, by which I mean the content of the speech. Mr. President, what is your message on the state of our Union?

[Trump Supporter/Defender]

Our nation is back. Bigger, better, richer and stronger than ever before. This is the golden age of America.

[Satirical Host]

Oh, okay. That's great news. I actually think an optimistic, uplifting State of the Union might be just what the country needs right now. Let's hear more about this golden age.

[Trump Supporter/Defender]

Drug lords, murderers all over our country killed and maimed, thousands ambushed and shot in the head Shot violently in the head. One bullet after another, violently and viciously. We're talking about the edge of death.

[Satirical Host]

Which part of this is the golden age? Can we just get back to the uplifting optimism, Gushing blood which was flowing

[Comedic Political Analyst]

back down the aisle.

[Trump Supporter/Defender]

Viciously slashed, bleeding profusely, blood all over, shredding his leg into numerous pieces. Unbelievable. What's happened to his legs?

[Satirical Host]

Oh, my God. The violence. Was this the State of the Union or a Quentin Tarantino movie? All it's missing is Uma Thurman's bare feet. Close enough. Look, there's nothing wrong with honoring Americans who have been through tragedies, but we used to have presidents who could do that without sounding like a six year old dismembering his GI Joes. Now, the speech wasn't just two hours of Donald Trump traumatizing America. One reason that the speech went so long was because Republicans kept interrupting with applause breaks, which Trump would just bask in, rotating back and forth like he was stuck on oscillating fan mode. Guys, he's stuck. How do I get him back to regular push or pull? Do I push or do I pull? But the Democrats stayed seated almost the entire night, and you could tell it started to get under Trump.

[Trump Supporter/Defender]

How do you not stand? How do you not stand? You should be ashamed of yourself not standing up. You should be ashamed of yourself. Look, nobody stands up. These people are crazy.

[Satirical Host]

Mr. President, I will have you know that the Democrats are not standing because they are outraged by your tyranny and lawless behavior. And also, they are asleep right now. You know, Mr. President, let's forget about the golden age and yelling at Democrats for not applauding you. Why don't you just focus on telling us the State of the Union Now?

[Trump Supporter/Defender]

Here with us tonight is a group of winners who just made the entire nation proud. The men's Gold Olympic hockey team.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

Come on in.

[Satirical Host]

Oh, okay, great. Nice to give the hockey team a shout out. All right. Give a wave and smile. They got strip clubs to get to. But now that we've gone through that. Back to the State of the Union.

[Trump Supporter/Defender]

I will soon be presenting Connor with our highest civilian honor, the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

[Satirical Host]

Okay, great. Didn't need to do that here, but sure, one quick award. Let's not turn this whole thing into a big award show.

[Trump Supporter/Defender]

I will ask the first lady of the United States to present Captain Royce Williams with his Congressional Medal of Honor. Present Chief Warrant Officer Slover with the Congressional Medal of Honor. I am now awarding you the Legion of Merit, the Purple heart.

[Conservative Commentator]

Wow.

[Satirical Host]

He didn't just give out one award, he gave out all the awards. Guess the state of our union was come on down. Now you could be cynical and say that it seems like Trump has so few accomplishments of his own that he was trying to draft off the actual heroism of other people instead. But hey, at least he's giving awards to other people for a change instead of demanding that they give one to to him.

[Trump Supporter/Defender]

I've always wanted the Congressional Medal of Honor, but I was informed I'm not allowed to give it to myself. And I wouldn't know why I'd be taking it. But they ever open up that law, I will be there with you someday.

[Satirical Host]

Yeah, there he is. Just can't help himself. Trump would have asked for the Purple Heart, but his doctors told him that he had one already.

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[Conservative Commentator]

winning comedy Scrubs is all new. This is a whole new chapter for me. No more sad sack. That's what I'm talking about. I want both of our sacks to be fun.

[Left-Leaning Political Commentator]

You two idiots are perfect for each other.

[Conservative Commentator]

From executive producers of Ted Lasso and Shrinking. We were all a part of this victory. Now get those nachos out of the preemie warmer Nachos.

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Feels like they're.

[Conservative Commentator]

There's more applause for the nachos than my speech.

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[Conservative Commentator]

7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu.

[Satirical Host]

Since the Epstein files dropped last month, creepy old men from every sector of society have fallen from grace, including one of the world's richest men, Bill Gates. Before the Epstein files came out, we all just thought of him as Steve Jobs with no riz. Now we think of him as Steve Jobs with no riz from the Epstein files. And now he's doing damage control. Bill Gates apologized to staff of the Gates Foundation Tuesday, admitting he made mistakes that cast a cloud on the philanthropy.

[News Reporter]

He also acknowledged two affairs, but said

[Satirical Host]

they did not involve Epstein victims.

[News Reporter]

I did have affairs.

[Satirical Host]

One with a Russian bridge player who met me at bridge events and one with a Russian nuclear physicist who I

[News Reporter]

met through business activities.

[Satirical Host]

Wow. Okay, is it. Isn't going into this much detail with your staff a giant HR violation? Thank you everyone for hopping on this zoom call. Let's touch base on who I've been. Okay, first, Svetlana. And Hoo. Boy, did we get freaky. Let's just say nothing was micro or soft. Thank you.

[News Reporter]

Thank you.

[Satirical Host]

By the way, I love how he's going out of his way to make sure people know. Hello. The women were. I met her at bridge and then we went out to dinner at 4:30. We spent all night giving our Social Security numbers to a scammer on the phone. And then she leaned over to me and whispered, I'm not wearing any. Depends. So we rode the stairlift all the way up to our bathroom and shared a romantic soak in her walk in tub. He's not the only person trying to explain their ties to Epstein this week. You all remember Hillary Clinton, the former senator, secretary of state and presidential nominee, and her husband Bill, who pretends to write political thrillers with James Patterson. They've been facing tough questions about their connections to Epstein, and now we might get some answers.

[Conservative Commentator]

Secretary Clinton sat for a closed door deposition in Chappaqua, New York tomorrow. Now it's former President Bill Clinton. Oof.

[Satirical Host]

Another Clinton deposition. It's staggering to think about how much money lawyers have been paid because of Bill's penis. His dick has a higher GDP than most nations. But maybe, maybe this is a signal that Congress is finally ready to hold everybody accountable.

[Conservative Commentator]

A former president's never been compelled to appear before Congress. Is this where this is all heading as of today? Well, we've never had a former president either this close to a convicted felon either. I mean, it's problematic.

[Satirical Host]

Yes, yes. We must hold these former presidents accountable. I mean, who knows what kind of former damage these former presidents could do with their former fingers on the former nuclear button. But obviously they're not going to hold Donald Trump in for a Democratic. Because as you'll remember, I've been totally exonerated on Epstein. That's right. That's right. All of the relevant files have come out. There's nothing incriminating about Trump. And that's what all the files, which we've all seen, all of have all said. So I guess case closed. Nothing else to see here.

[News Reporter]

The DOJ's release of the Epstein files is missing some very important and potentially explosive materials. As EMIS now reports, quote, the Justice Department has withheld notes and memos reflecting FBI interviews from its release of the Epstein files.

[Conservative Commentator]

Materials about an unproven sexual assault accusation against President Trump.

[Satirical Host]

Huh, that's strange. Trump's DOJ did that. The same DOJ that promised to release the Epstein files and then gave influencers binders filled with old documents and they wouldn't release more. So Congress had to pass a law saying that they had to, but they still missed the deadline to release the files. And then when they finally did, the files were riddled with sketchy redactions. That doj? Nah, I can't see it. I don't think so. Now, usually you would expect that a batch of missing files linking the President to international sex crimes would be the main story on any network. But conservative media has found a story even more disturbing and explosive.

[Conservative Commentator]

Socialist mayor of New York City still refusing to call for consequences for suspects that pelted New York police officers with chunks of ice and snow.

[Trump Supporter/Defender]

They chalked this up to being a snowball fight.

[Conservative Commentator]

Not really. Looks like a bombardment. This is not fun. This is not kid like. This is an assault. This is a crime. That was not a snowball fight. That was cops getting pummeled by snowballs.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

That's not snow.

[Conservative Commentator]

This weapon. At this point, we know what a riot looks like, and that's what we have in New York City.

[Satirical Host]

Yeah, that's right. It was a riot, an ambush, an insurrection.

[Conservative Commentator]

Yeah,

[Satirical Host]

And that's what happened on Monday when NY NYPD officers got hit with snowballs when they walked into the middle of a giant snowball fight. And while the police left without breaking up the snowball fight, they did later go back through the evidence and make an arrest. Can you just imagine the guy in jail waiting to get booked? What are you in here? For first degree snowball. God damn, that's cold. Look, this incident has become a big controversy here in New York. Was it just an incident? Snowball fight? Did people go too far? All I can say is, as a New Yorker, I just hope spring gets here soon so that we can get back to hitting each other with hammers.

[Conservative Commentator]

Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the

[Comedic Political Analyst]

Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on

[Conservative Commentator]

Comedy Central and stream stream full episodes anytime on Paramount.

[Comedic Political Analyst]

Plus,

[Conservative Commentator]

this has been a Comedy Central podcast.

[Satirical Host]

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[Satirical Host]

Experian.