This Week's News | Jon Stewart Shares Trumpy Graduation Tips & Ronny Chieng Covers J6er "Slush Fund"

Summary

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The Daily Show: Ears Edition – “This Week’s News | Jon Stewart Shares Trumpy Graduation Tips & Ronny Chieng Covers J6er ‘Slush Fund’”

Date: May 23, 2026
Hosts: Trevor Noah, Jordan Klepper, Donald Trump (audio clips), Ronny Chieng (in absentia)
Theme: Satirical Analysis of Current Headlines, Trump Era Politics & Corruption

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Episode Overview

This week’s satirical rundown on The Daily Show: Ears Edition sees the team lampooning the Trump administration's continued antics and unprecedented corruption, from Trump's bizarre takes on foreign policy and “slush fund” for his allies, to mock “graduation advice” for 2026. The hosts break down the absurdities in American politics, skewer the idea of taxpayer payouts to January 6 rioters, and poke fun at the degradation of norms under Trump, all with their signature blend of irreverent, sharp-edged humor.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Trump’s “Toughness on China” (00:33–05:25)

• Satirizing Trump’s Foreign Policy Claims
  • Trevor Noah opens mocking Trump's contradictory rhetoric on China; Trump’s claim of “toughness” vs. his fawning remarks on President Xi.

    “Nobody, and I mean nobody, is tougher on China rhymes with vagina, than Donald J. Trump.” – Trevor Noah (00:36)

  • Trump (clip): Praises Xi Jinping as a “great leader,” contradicting his own hard-line image.

    “You’re a great leader. Sometimes people don’t like me saying it, but I say it anyway because it’s true.” – Donald Trump (01:51)

• The Results Questioned
  • Noah lampoons the supposed diplomatic “accomplishments,” revealing that the only thing gained was “relationship.”

    “So nothing. You got nothing... You flew there to confront our rival superpower... and all you came back with was his Instagram.” – Trevor Noah (03:10)

2. Satirical Trump-Style Graduation/Job Interview Tips (05:25–20:34)

• Parodying Interview Technique “The Trump Way”

  • Noah offers facetiously-bad advice to “graduates,” in the style of Trump: exude weird confidence, dodge questions, act entitled.

    “Make your answer cocky and super weird. These other people might be good, but I have words and a fertile brain. Brain can get pregnant. Pregnant brain, pregnant brain, make more brain. Lots of brain.” – Trevor Noah (09:55)

• Mocking Classic Trump Responses

  • Strength is pretending not to need the job (clip):

    “I didn’t need this job. I had a very nice life. I could have been sunbathing on the beach. You have never seen a body so beautiful.” – Donald Trump (10:30)

  • On weaknesses:

    “I don’t know. Hire me and you’ll find out... I do very little planning. I’m corrupt as a mother.” – Trevor Noah (11:34)

  • Favorite book dodge (the Bible):

    “I wouldn’t want to get into it because... that’s very personal.” – Donald Trump (14:07)

• Deflecting and Attacking the Interviewer

  “What a stupid question that is... It’s not the question that I mind. It’s your attitude. Only a bad person would ask a question like that.” – Donald Trump (15:40)

• References Gone Wrong

  • Trump lists former associates as references; clips of them insulting him immediately follow.

    “He is a consummate narcissist, so he certainly falls into the general definition of fascist.” – John Kelly (19:19) “Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling Trump a quote ‘effing moron’.” – Jordan Klepper (19:27)

3. The $1.8 Billion January 6th “Slush Fund” Exposé (20:34–29:58)

• Corruption in Plain Sight

  • Jordan Klepper breaks down the Trump administration’s taxpayer-funded payout plan for Trump allies and Jan 6 defendants.

    “A $1.8 billion fund to be given away to allies who claim they were unfairly treated by the Biden DOJ.” – Correspondent (23:39)

  • The shell-game of Trump suing, negotiating, and controlling the settlement himself:

    “Trump figured out how to be both the Karen and the manager. No one has ever done that before.” – Jordan Klepper (24:22)

• Distributing Funds to January 6th Rioters

  “Our taxpayer money is going to the people who did January 6th. Effectively, the rest of us are being taxed for not doing Gen 6.” – Jordan Klepper (25:19)

  • Oversight of the fund is non-existent, with Trump’s personal lawyer installed as its head.

• More Blatant Corruption: Stock Trades & Product Promos

  • Trump is caught buying corporate stock, then publicly promoting the companies.

    “President Trump bought between $1–5 million of Dell stock... then delivered a speech: ‘Go out and buy a Dell computer.’” – Jordan Klepper (28:36) “If you’re telling people to buy a Dell computer in 2026, you’re probably doing something illegal.” – Jordan Klepper (28:41)

4. Trump’s Retaliatory Politics & Foreign Policy Follies (30:53–37:39)

• Punishing Dissenters, Rewarding Cronies

  • Analysis of Trump’s unseating Republican critics, war on opponents, and Iran policy blunders.

• Iran Regime Change Blunders

  • Plan was to reinstall Ahmadinejad; failed due to a botched operation.

    “So the plan to stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons was to install a leader who wanted to get nuclear weapons. I love it. No notes.” – Jordan Klepper (32:47)

• Greenland Takeover, Awkward Diplomacy

  • U.S. special envoy (the Louisiana governor) fails to impress Greenlanders, attempts to win them with cookies.

    “You come to the governor’s mansion, all the chocolate chip cookies you can eat.” – Jeff Landry/Donald Trump (36:09) “Great idea... Talk to them like the neighborhood pedophile.” – Jordan Klepper (36:20)

• Prosecuting Ancient Foes

  • DOJ charges 94-year-old Raul Castro for acts in 1996.

    “Everywhere that guy sits is death row... Where are you gonna find a jury of his peers, with a Ouija board?” – Jordan Klepper (36:51)

5. Trump’s Coast Guard Commencement Speech & More (38:02–41:23)

• Cringeworthy Remarks Toward Male Cadets

  • Trump lavishes praise on a muscular graduate, musing about his attractiveness.

    “Look at this guy, look at the muscles in this guy!... Thank you very much. Just hit him on the shoulder, hurt my hand.” – Donald Trump (38:41)

  • Hosts riff on Trump’s newfound appreciation for “good-looking guys.”

    “Okay, I’m just gonna say it. The president needs to f*** a dude. All right?” – Jordan Klepper (39:54)

• Prioritizing Political Chaos Over Family

  • When asked if attending his son’s wedding:

    “He’d like me to go. I’m gonna try... I have a thing called Iran and other things.” – Donald Trump (40:24) “I also wouldn’t want to go to Don Jr.’s wedding if I was too old to want to do cocaine.” – Jordan Klepper (40:35)

6. Further Skewering of the “Slush Fund”/January 6th Payouts (42:23–47:46)

• Who’s Lining Up for the Money

  • Names include Enrique Tarrio, Mike Lindell, George Santos, Rod Blagojevich, “Lectern Guy,” and convicted minor players.

    “That list is a real who’s who of... oh, yeah, THAT weirdo.” – Jordan Klepper (43:06)

  • ChatGPT and Grok AI used to “value” claims.

• The Voice of Reason: QAnon Shaman?

  • Declines payout, calling it “blood money,” but only because he’s suing for $40 trillion instead.

    “No, that’s the last time I trust a shirtless man in a raccoon hat.” – Jordan Klepper (46:32)

• Everyone Gets A Slice, But It’s Tiny

  • DOJ admits “tens of millions” could claim payouts; actual value is about $90 per applicant.

    “That’s barely two bags of crystal meth, okay?” – Jordan Klepper (46:32)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Trump’s Interview Style:

  “What are your weaknesses? I don’t know. Hire me and you’ll find out. I got a lot of them. I’m reckless. I make decisions on impulse. I do very little planning. I’m corrupt as a mother.” – Trevor Noah (11:34)

• On Trump’s Relationship with China:

  “So nothing. You got nothing. You flew to... personally confront our rival superpower... and all you came back with was his Instagram.” – Trevor Noah (03:10)

• On Slush Fund Payouts:

  “Our taxpayer money is going to the people who did January 6th. Effectively, the rest of us are being taxed for not doing Gen 6.” – Jordan Klepper (25:19)

• On the DOJ’s Math:

  “So tens of millions of people means at least 20 million people... that’s like 90 bucks a person. That’s not gonna help these people. That’s barely two bags of crystal meth, okay?” – Jordan Klepper (46:32)

• On the QAnon Shaman:

  “Okay, I guess even a broken brain is right twice a day. ... Jacob Chancellor, aka the QAnon Shaman, told CNN that he isn’t going to participate in the fund because he’s still suing the government for $40 trillion.” – Jordan Klepper (45:58–46:26)

• On Trump at Graduations:

  “Okay, I’m just gonna say it. The president needs to f*** a dude. All right? Like, just go for it.” – Jordan Klepper (39:54)

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Segment Timestamps (Key Moments)

• China/Trump Satire: 00:33–05:25
• Trump Job Interview Parody: 05:25–20:34
• Slush Fund Breakdown: 20:34–29:58
• Trump’s Stock Trades & Promotions: 28:36–29:18
• Primary Election Meddling/Iran: 30:53–34:09
• Greenland “Friendship” Diplomacy: 34:09–36:31
• Raul Castro Charges/DOJ: 36:41–37:52
• Trump’s Coast Guard Speech: 38:02–41:23
• More J6 Payouts Madness: 42:28–47:46

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Overall Tone & Style

The entire episode is delivered in “The Daily Show”’s trademark satirical, irreverent, and biting style. There’s heavy use of sarcastic roleplay (“Trump-style job interview advice”), relentless mocking of political corruption, and running jokes about the absurdity of current events under the Trump administration. The hosts make pointed cultural and political critiques wrapped in punchy one-liners and absurd hypothetical scenarios.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

If you didn’t catch this week’s Ears Edition, expect a thorough satirical takedown of the latest Trump headlines: imagined Trump University interview lessons, calls for “slush fund” payouts to MAGA faithful and January 6th rioters, gleeful exposure of political hypocrisy, and withering commentary on how America’s standards keep dropping ever further. The team’s blend of real news, audio clips, and scathing comedy delivers both laughs and shivers for anyone concerned about ethics, democracy, or just general sanity.

Transcript

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[Trevor Noah]

You're listening to Comedy Central. Daddy's back home. He's gone for a couple days. In China, we were scared. Oh, where's Daddy? I'm so scared. Where's Daddy? But now he's home. And I'm sure he brought us all the goodies from China, because as we all know, nobody, and I mean nobody, is tougher on China rhymes with vagina, than Donald J. Trump.

[Donald Trump]

The only way you're gonna get along well with China is you have to deal from a position of strength. I stood up to China like no administration has ever done before. Nobody was tougher like on China than I was. I'm the toughest person on anywhere in the world. There's never been anybody tougher in China than me.

[Trevor Noah]

He's like a bull in a China shop, or obviously, as they call it over there, a shop. I'll let myself out. It's not. But. All right, let's see some of that famous toughness in action. Let him have it.

[Donald Trump]

I want to thank President Xi, my friend. He's a man I respect greatly. The relationship is a very strong one. You're a great leader. I say it to everybody. You're a great leader. Sometimes people don't like me saying it, but I say it anyway because it's true. I only say the truth.

[Trevor Noah]

Yeah, take that, President Xi. He's the only leader with balls to come to your house and say right to your face, who's better than you? No one. And you know what? Trump's gonna say something right now. She. You don't even have to say it back to him. You know what? That's okay. There's a lot of ways to negotiate. Sometimes you get more flies with honey. So what did you get, Mr. President? Trade barriers down, help with Iran, Some of them delicious rare earth metals. What's the most significant specific thing you walk away from here?

[Donald Trump]

For the U.S. i think the most important thing is relationship. It's all about relationship.

[Trevor Noah]

So nothing. You got nothing. You flew to shot. What is it, 400 million miles? I don't Know how far it is. It's shot, it's far. You flew there to personally confront our rival superpower on the escalating trade and geopolitical tensions between us. And all you came back with was his Instagram. The tariffs are in place, but we're on the close friends story now. Well, he's on mine. Look, was there any positive movement?

[Donald Trump]

He said the US Was declining for the last four years. And he said what President Trump has done in the last 15, 16 months has been virtually a miracle. He said we have the hottest. He said we have the hottest country anywhere in the world.

[Trevor Noah]

Yeah, that's what she said. No, I'm asking, is that what she said? Because that quote sounds really a lot like you. President Xi actually took you aside, Donald Trump and said, actually said, President Xi said, you have the hottest country like no one has ever seen before. You only need a ballroom. That's all you need. Was there at least any information about Xi that you gleaned being over there that the United States might be able to exploit in future negotiations?

[Donald Trump]

If you went to Hollywood and you looked for a leader of China, you couldn't find a guy like him. He's tall, very tall, and especially for this country because they tend to be a little bit shorter.

[Trevor Noah]

What, what the she talking about that you get back, you come back with like this guy.

[Donald Trump]

He's,

[Trevor Noah]

I mean, Chinese, you think, but this guy. So apparently when you came back with this, President Xi is apparently taller than what a 79 year old white guy's idea of what a Chinese person's height should be. Listen, it's probably as good as we can expect from Trump. And Xi's eyes are definitely wider than I thought they'd be usually. Is it, can I do the eyes to show them? Is it okay if I do the eyes? And there was no pee pee in my Coke, contrary to what I've been told. What are we doing? You might be watching this and wondering how the is this guy our president? How. How is this. He should not have this job and yet he does. Maybe I've got it wrong. Maybe it's time to stop being exasperated by this, by Trump, and maybe it's time to see if we can glean lessons from Trump's rise. Look, folks, it's May, and we were even getting questions about it today from young people. It's May, it's graduation. Thousands of graduates are going into the world to interview for their dream job. And maybe the advice that we've been giving them all along about honesty and hard work. And all that other gay shit. Is completely wrong. Maybe we should all be students at Donald Trump University, which obviously you can't be because it was a fraud and got shut down. Metaphorically. And so that's what we're gonna do Tonight, class of 2026. Everybody gather round the whatever it is you watch. TV, your phone. Brain chip. Smart fridge. However you're watching this, we're gonna walk you through what you really need to do to nail that important job interview. Donald Trump way. Let's start at the very beginning. Young grad. You walk into the room, and what have we always told you to do? Eye contact, firm handshake, settle in. But that's what losers do. What you want to do is set the terms of the battle in the interview. I will take your hand. I will. Give me your hand. Give it to me. It is now my bow. I want your hand. Give me your hand. Your prospective employer must know you are the captain now. And if you come out of that interview with a hand that looks any less grotesque than this one, you did it wrong. Don't look away. Look at it. That is a hand that won the interview. How did the interview go, son? My beautiful hand. All right, so now we're in the room. Now we're going to let the interview begin. We'll role play this out. Why do you think you're a good fit for our firm?

[Donald Trump]

You know, I went to great schools. I'm like a smart person. I guarantee my IQ is much higher than any of these people. I'm good at language. I've always been good at money. I guarantee I have a vocabulary better than all of them.

[Trevor Noah]

I know words.

[Donald Trump]

I have the best words. I have a very, very fertile, very fertile brain.

[Trevor Noah]

That's how you do it. Graduates. I cannot stress this enough, make your answer cocky and super weird. These other people might be good, but I have words and a fertile brain. Brain. Brain can get pregnant. Pregnant brain, pregnant brain, make more brain. Lots of brain. Now, the next thing the interviewer is gonna say to you is, why do you want to work here? And the right answer is, I don't.

[Donald Trump]

I didn't need this job. I had a very nice life. I think I would have been a good general. My mother, she said, son, you could be a professional baseball player. I could have been a flutist. I could have been sunbathing on the beach. You have never seen a body so beautiful.

[Trevor Noah]

Yes, any firm would be lucky to grab such a talented athlete, flutist, nudist. But see, now the interviewer's on the back foot. They got all their stupid preplanned bullshit questions that everybody's supposed to have a pro forma response to, and you just get to knock them down one after the other. Oh, tell us about one of your weaknesses.

[Donald Trump]

Yeah, I have weaknesses. I really believe I have weaknesses. But it's something I don't like discussing because I don't want to give it up.

[Trevor Noah]

That's the stuff in the interview. What are your weaknesses? I don't know. Hire me and you'll find out. I got a lot of them. I'm reckless. I make decisions on impulse. I do very little planning. I'm corrupt as a mother. But that's gonna be my little secret until I get this job. Oh, for. Here's. Here's one. Here's one of my weaknesses. I make all the women in the office incredibly uncomfortable.

[Donald Trump]

It's that face. It's that brain. It's those lips, the way they move. They move like she's a machine gun. There she is. You don't mind being called beautiful, right? Because you are. You are beautiful. I'm not allowed to say that to myself. Anyway,

[Trevor Noah]

That's not going to be a problem in the office, is it? Oh, and by the way, it's not enough for the job interviewer to ask about weaknesses. Oh, they also want to know. Tell us about a time you struggled. Now, you've been taught graduates that they're expecting humility to prostrate yourself on a life lesson you learned. But that's for losers. The trump strategy is to remind the interviewer that they would kill to have the kind of obstacles you had.

[Donald Trump]

It has not been easy for me. And you know, I started off in Brooklyn. My father gave me a small loan of a million dollars.

[Trevor Noah]

You poor bastard. He had to start off in Brooklyn, an outer borough with only a small loan. I mean, if you look at the check honestly, it's mostly zero. Now. Great. Now you've made it through the interviewer's psychological probing meant to reveal your introspective and self critical side. And you've given them nothing. Well done. But these bastards aren't done. They think a little playful hobby question might be the way to unlock a new grad's real self, who they really are. Something stupid like, oh, what's your favorite book? But you got this.

[Donald Trump]

The Bible is the best. One of the great books.

[Trevor Noah]

Boom. Perfect. Now, those interview coaching firms or your school's career offices or your parents or responsible friends are going to probably advise you to have read whatever book you mention as your Favorite winners don't have that kind of time. And what are the odds that they'll ask a follow up? Anyway, I'm wondering what one or two of your most favored Bible verses are.

[Donald Trump]

I wouldn't want to get into it because to me, that's very personal. You know, when I talk about the Bible, it's very personal. So I don't want to get into verses. I don't want to get into verse.

[Jordan Klepper]

Means a lot to you that you think about or cite the Bible means

[Donald Trump]

a lot to me, but I don't want to get into specifics.

[Trevor Noah]

Even to cite a verse that you like?

[Donald Trump]

No, I don't want to do that.

[Trevor Noah]

Yes. People who love the Bible famously hate sharing their favorite parts. It's all in the. Like to keep it on the. Mmm. I think we've all seen this guy at the baseball games, So by now it's pretty clear you're lying. Keep it going. An Old Testament guy or a New Testament guy?

[Donald Trump]

Probably equal.

[Trevor Noah]

New Testament, Old Testament. I'm a Jew for Jesus. I don't care. I'm equal. Now, you as the interviewee have been very patient in this interview with your prospective employer's questions. Conventional wisdom would say, if you want to get that job, you got to keep it that way. Calm, cool, answering questions to the best of your ability. But that just encourages them to continue this nonsense. Now it's time to let them know that just because it is literally their job to ask you questions doesn't mean they can ask you questions.

[Donald Trump]

What a stupid question that is. And such a stupid question you ask. And you're just asking questions because you're a stupid person. Don't ever say what you said. That's a nasty question. Why do you give me a horrible question? It's not the question that I mind. It's your attitude. Only a bad person would ask a question like that. I don't know who you are, but only a very evil person would ask a question like that.

[Trevor Noah]

So for you graduates, I know that this advice and behaving in the way you just witnessed seems counterintuitive. Why would I alienate the very people that I'm appealing to who are just doing their job and asking reasonable questions? And my answer to that is, I don't know. I don't know why this works. I don't get it. But here we are, and here he is, and he's the president and I'm on basic cable. I don't understand. This doesn't make. I don't how what is happening so the point is, it doesn't make sense. Just do it. Well, chances are, at this point, once you hit him with the that's a stupid question and you're evil, the interview is over because you've aced it. But you might not have quite sealed the deal. Remember, we're in modern times. They're going to check your social media profile and chances are you probably have some questionable ones in there, like best wishes to the haters and losers on 911 or hey, I might be Jesus. It still freaks me out to see. Can I. The thing that bothers me the most about this picture, I know it's AI generated, I know he's not Jesus and I know I'm not really the guy in the bed. But here's what so apparently if you plug into AI Trump heals Sick elderly man. My picture is what artificial intelligence thinks is dying old man. That can't be good. Sorry. Back to the task at hand. Most of the literati will tell you, oh, try and have a good, cogent, believable reason for questionable posts that you made on social media. Wrong.

[Jordan Klepper]

Mr. President, did you post that picture of yourself depicted as Jesus Christ?

[Donald Trump]

Well, it wasn't depicted, it was me. I did post it and I thought it was me as the doctor

[Trevor Noah]

because apparently even though the Bible is Trump's favorite book, he doesn't know the difference between Robbie Rabinovich and Jesus. W. Unbelievable. So you have done everything wrong so far as a recent graduate and it's looking great. The only thing really left to do for the interviewer is to get you to list some references.

[Donald Trump]

John Kelly is one of the best people I've ever worked with. When you ask me about Rex, I mean, he's a world class player. Bill Barr, a terrific person, a brilliant man.

[Trevor Noah]

Great, thanks for that. Now all we have to do is check those references.

[Donald Trump]

He is a consummate narcissist, so he certainly falls into the general definition of fascist.

[Jordan Klepper]

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling Trump a quote effing moron.

[Trevor Noah]

Nailed it. Nailed it. Well done. Good call. So, great job in the interview so far. You've been arrogant, self stunned, narcissistic, ignorant, quick to claim credit, quicker to deflect blame, petulant, short tempered, vulgar, corrupt. Name any sin from Trump's favorite book you've been in and apparently in the Upside down, that is now our country. That's the way to do it. So congratulations, you're hired. The only thing left to do now is blatantly steal from whoever it was that hired you The Trump administration has just announced it is creating a $1.7 billion fund to compensate Trump's allies and January 6th defendants. The fund, which will be financed by American taxpayers, comes as Trump is dropping his $10 billion lawsuit against the federal government. Congratulations, graduates.

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[Jordan Klepper]

This morning, Donald Trump gave reporters a tour of his upcoming ballroom that big companies are paying for. And no, they're not just paying for it to get political favors. It's to support his passion for dancing. But since everyone is so skeptical about it, Donald Trump made sure to defend it loud and clear.

[Trevor Noah]

Everything.

[Donald Trump]

I spelled it across all over Washington, so that's important.

[Jordan Klepper]

Thank you for clearing that up. Honestly, just as informative as any of your other press conferences. But once the noise calmed down a bit, Trump did have a chance to explain some of the unique architectural innovations that justify the cost of this ballroom.

[Donald Trump]

I think you can see the complexity. All of these columns go directly up to the roof.

[Jordan Klepper]

That's right up to the roof. We're not doing any of those columns that stop halfway. Okay. Very innovative. Any other incredible breakthroughs we should know about?

[Donald Trump]

The glass is approximately 4 inches thick, and yet it's amazing. You can see through it as though it didn't exist. It's amazing.

[Jordan Klepper]

Wow. Glass you can see through. Very cool. It sounds like you're just describing every building. Can you do something interesting with it?

[Donald Trump]

It's all knit together. The roof goes with the ground floor, the ground floor goes with the roof. The roof also goes down into the basement.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, wait, now, now it's too weird. Okay, what do you mean the roof goes into the basement? What MC extra shit is this? People inside will be like, am I dancing on the floor or the ceiling? Both. But whatever laws of physics this roof violates. Having a giant ballroom built as a favor by your corporate friends, it's hard to think of how things could get more corrupt than that.

[Correspondent/Reporter]

Tonight, the Justice Department announcing a new so called anti Weaponization Fund. $1.8 billion in taxpayer money to be given away to allies of President Trump who claim they were unfairly treated by the Biden doj.

[Jordan Klepper]

I stand corrected. I think my brain's roof just fell into his basement. I mean, if you're confused by what's going on here, I went to law school. Okay, so let me explain it to you visually. So Donald Trump, the man is suing the irs, which happens to be headed by Donald Trump the president, which then reached a settlement with the Justice Department, headed by a man named Donald Trump, to create a slush fund controlled by, you guessed it, Donald Trump. It's so blatant and corrupt that it's actually fine. I mean, I wanna be mad, but I'm also kind of impressed. Trump figured out how to be both the Karen and the manager. Like no one has ever done that before. This guy's playing 5D chess with corruption here. I mean, I bet he's building the ballroom just so he can do a slip and fall. He'll be dancing in there, he'll hit his head, he's gonna leave the office with a fake neck brace and $3 trillion. Now the settlement says the money is gonna go to the victims of the Biden administration, which is pretty broad. I mean, hell, I'm a victim of the Biden administration. I mean, I stir PTSD from watching that guy die slowly on television. But who does Trump have in mind for this money?

[Correspondent/Reporter]

Among those who could see payouts, the 1,600 people charged in connection with the riot at the Capitol on January 6th.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, okay, hold on. So our taxpayer money is going to the people who did January 6th. So effectively the rest of us are being taxed for not doing Gen 6. Well, if I knew that, I would have gone there. Wait, I mean, I was there. I just remembered. Didn't you see me? I was the guy in the video doing this. The election. Anyway, Venmo me. But look, I don't want to be too cynical here. I'm sure Donald Trump doesn't get to hand the money out to whomever he wants. I'm sure there's someone else who's actually controlling the fund.

[Trevor Noah]

The fund itself will be controlled by Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche, who, of

[Donald Trump]

course, was the president's personal lawyer.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, it's his personal lawyer, but that's still a professional relationship. I'm sure he's still objective.

[Trevor Noah]

I love working for President Trump. It's the greatest honor of a lifetime. If he chooses to nominate somebody else and asks me to go do something else, I will say, thank you very much. I love you, sir.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, fine. He's his personal lawyer, and he's also in love with him. Whatever. At this point, it's pretty clear that Donald Trump's former personal lawyer is just there to deep throat his corruption boner. But just don't say that to his face.

[Trevor Noah]

I'm the acting Attorney General, okay? The fact that I used to be President Trump's lawyer is just a fact. So don't say the president's former personal

[Jordan Klepper]

lawyer will do something.

[Trevor Noah]

The acting Attorney General will do something, mister.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, okay. Geez. I'm sorry. What I meant to say is if the honorable acting Attorney General could please stop throwing Trump's corruption boner so hard that his corrupt balls tickle your acting Attorney General chin, that would be great, my good sir. The one, The one good thing about the settlement is that it doesn't let Trump get the money personally. So at the very least, it's nice to know that Trump isn't just going to go around trying to make himself rich. New reporting this morning on President Trump's financial disclosure showing he publicly praised companies after buying their stock. Prolific stock trades making 3700 of them. Accumulative value between 220 million and around $750 million. Holy shit, this guy is grinding. How does he even find the time to do all of this? I mean, I thought he was falling asleep during meetings, but I think he's just looking down at his E Trade account. I mean, it must have been more subtle than that, right? It's not like he was buying a stock and then going out and telling people to go buy the company's products. President Trump bought between 1 million and $5 million of Dell stock on February 10th. Nine days later, he delivered an economic speech in Rome, Georgia, where he said, dell.

[Donald Trump]

Go out and buy a Dell computer.

[Jordan Klepper]

Wow.

[Donald Trump]

Okay.

[Jordan Klepper]

This guy does not give a anymore. They're gonna have to start replacing the presidential seal with a hashtag ad. In hindsight, we should have suspected something. I mean, if you're telling people to buy a dell computer in 2026, you're probably doing something illegal, okay? Cause even the people who make Dell computers are like, do they still make, make Dell computers? When we look back on it, though, the clues were pretty obvious.

[Trevor Noah]

Weeks after buying shares of Palantir, Trump touting the stock posting. Palantir Technologies has proven to have great war fighting capabilities and equipment. Just ask our enemies.

[Jordan Klepper]

I mean, he's even putting the stock ticker symbol in his tweet. You know, the way we all drop stock symbols into our everyday conversations, like, hey, officer, officer, that man stole my iPhone. AAPL. Here's the bottom line. It's undeniable at this point that Trump has achieved a level of corruption no one has ever imagined before. And if I may be serious for a second, this is. This is unacceptable. Mr. President, you owe it to the public to explain yourself loud and clear.

[Donald Trump]

Please fill the applause.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, I can't. I can't hear you. I can't hear what you're saying. Ah, Josh, fine. I'm sure he's apologizing here.

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[Jordan Klepper]

There were six important congressional primaries yesterday. So you know what? That if you live in Alabama, Georgia, Idaho, Kentucky, Oregon or Pennsylvania, you forgot to vote. And once again, the big story is Donald Trump absolutely stomping on disloyal Republicans like Godzilla with slightly thicker ankles.

[Political Analyst/Reporter]

Another round of retaliation for President Trump. He has helped unseat one of his most prominent Republican critics on the Hill, Congressman Thomas Massie, who spearheaded the law forcing the release of the Epstein files.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah, that'll teach you to try to expose pedophiles. What is going on here. Releasing the Epstein files didn't put anyone in prison. The guy who got the Epstein files released got voted out. And meanwhile, the Michael Jackson movie made $300 million. Is America Probably. Jeffrey, you killed yourself too early. The tides were turning. But let's move on from Trump meddling in primaries to him meddling all over the world, starting with his war in Iran. And I know people that think that Donald Trump didn't have a plan for the war, but guess what, libtads and military generals. Turns out he did have a plan. It was just very stupid.

[Political Analyst/Reporter]

New reporting reveals an early objective of the war with Iran involved a regime change strategy that would reinstate former Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as the country's leader.

[Correspondent/Reporter]

Yes, that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran from 2005 to 2013, the man who strongly supported Iran's nuclear program and more.

[Jordan Klepper]

So the plan to stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons was to install a leader who wanted to get nuclear weapons. I love it. No notes. And if you hate this plan, don't worry. That wasn't the part that didn't work.

[Political Analyst/Reporter]

Ahmadinejad was injured on the war's first day by an Israeli strike at his home in Tehran that had been designed to free him from house arrest.

[Jordan Klepper]

So you're telling me that two entire countries thought the smartest way to free someone from house arrest was to blow up his house? Nobody suggested, I don't know, calling a locksmith, maybe sneaking him out in a laundry bin. What was the thinking here? You can't be under house arrest if you don't have a house. So that obviously that plan didn't work. In fact, everything in the war of Iran has been a lot harder than we thought. But this is America. And what do we do when things get hard? Say it with me. We lose interest and move on to other things. For example, Greenland.

[Trevor Noah]

Yeah,

[Jordan Klepper]

yeah, remember this shit? It was Trump's original takeover target. And now he's got a new strategy for doing it. Seduce them with kindness. Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry was in Greenland this week, his first trip as President Trump's new special envoy to the Danish territory. Do you have a message from President Trump with you?

[Donald Trump]

Actually, I do. I talked to him late last night. He said, go over there and make a bunch of friends. As many friends as we can.

[Jordan Klepper]

Damn, this male loneliness epidemic is really getting out of control.

[Donald Trump]

I mean,

[Jordan Klepper]

American middle aged men are such losers that we have to take over Greenland just to make friends. Yes, Greenland has just been visited by America's special envoy which for some reason is the governor of Louisiana. And it shouldn't be hard to make friends because any country who has the little circles over the letters is always friends, right? Denmark, Sweden. The country in frozen. So I'm sure it went fine.

[Correspondent/Reporter]

He wanted to know if you were famous.

[Donald Trump]

I said, well, I don't know if

[Jordan Klepper]

he's famous, but he's the governor of the Louisiana.

[Donald Trump]

You want to take a picture?

[Jordan Klepper]

No. This Greenland kid is like, oh, oh, sorry. You said you're the governor of which state? Nah, I'm good. I'm good. Is Kathy Hochul around? Or someone else? Like, come on, kid. You're not impressed by Jeff Landry? This man is the governor of America's second most illiterate state. Does that mean anything to you? But sure, I get it. I mean, phones nowadays can only hold like, what, 60,000 photos? You gotta make them count. I mean, Jeff, you're embarrassing us in front of our future colony. Step up your game, okay? Turn on that Southern charm. Greenland news outlets reported that Landry was

[Donald Trump]

seen handing out chocolate cookies. You come to the governor's mansion, all the chocolate chip cookies you can eat,

[Trevor Noah]

stranger. Stranger danger.

[Jordan Klepper]

Stranger. Great idea for winning over the people of Greenland. Talk to them like the neighborhood pedophile. I'm telling you, Epstein, you went too soon.

[Donald Trump]

All right? Everything.

[Jordan Klepper]

It would have been okay. So Greenland isn't working out either. But don't worry, there are lots of countries we can still pick a fight with.

[Trevor Noah]

Breaking news. The Department of Justice filing criminal charges against former Cuban president Raul Castro.

[Jordan Klepper]

The 94 year old Castro is the brother of Fidel Castro. Holy shit.

[Trevor Noah]

Holy shit.

[Jordan Klepper]

We're gonna send a 94 year old man to jail? Like, what's the point? Everywhere that guy sits is death row. I mean, I mean, look at this guy. He's so old, he needs help walking from another old guy. Where are you gonna find a jury of his peers with a. With a Ouija board? I mean, on the plus side, I guess you don't need to handcuff him. You can just tie his hands together with his long droopy balls. At least this shows that no one is above the law. Even if your pants are above your nipples.

[Donald Trump]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's.

[Jordan Klepper]

I know, I know. It's funny, right? Yeah. It's a good thing none of us are ever getting old. Anyway. Let's hear the charges.

[Correspondent/Reporter]

The 94 year old faces criminal charges in his alleged role in ordering two aircrafts to be shot down back when he was the defense minister in 1996.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, man, the charges are from 1996. That was 30 years ago. He was only, what, 60, 64 at the time? I mean, we all do crazy shit when we're young. First off, it's graduation season, and I'd just like to take a moment to shout out all the graduates watching. Welcome to the real world. It sucks, but yesterday, Trump gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy, and he had a different message for graduates, and that message was Daddy like it.

[Donald Trump]

We also have the only cadet who earned a perfect score on every single fitness session. Wow, this guy must be something. I think we'll have to invite him up. I want to check it out. Thomas, get up here, please. Want to see? I want to check him out. Whoa, look at this guy. Look at the muscles in this guy. Thank you very much. Just hit him on the shoulder. Hurt my hand. It's like hitting a rock.

[Jordan Klepper]

Well, we wanted Trump to stop harassing women, and I guess he found a loophole. I mean, seriously, is Trump a college sophomore? Because if you've been paying any attention recently, it looks like he's been discovering something about himself.

[Donald Trump]

You are a handsome devil. He's a good looking guy. Now, if you rip off the jacket, you'll see the motherfucker muscles are serious. Boy, oh, boy, these are good looking guys. Look at the arms on him. I'll give you a hottie. You look so good, but too good looking to be a fighter. See, I consider all those guys back there with the big muscles, and it's not my thing, but I consider them really beautiful to me.

[Trevor Noah]

He's so strong.

[Donald Trump]

He's those muscles.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, I'm just gonna say it. The president needs to a dude. All right? Like, just go for it. Mr. President, I'm not even saying you're gay. It just seems something you need to get out of your system, you know, like. Like as a novelty thing. And don't worry about what your supporters will think. You'll be fine. Your base will love it. And your shaft. But Trump isn't just doing commencements. He's got a very busy weekend ahead of him. Maybe too busy.

[Trevor Noah]

Are you attending your son's wedding this weekend, by the way?

[Donald Trump]

He'd like me to go. I'm gonna try and make it. I'm in the midst. I said, you know, this is not good timing for me. I have a thing called Iran and other things.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, and now I get why he started the war of Iran to get out of Don Jr. S wedding. You should have just told us that. We'd understand even Ayatollah's like, I get it. But to be fair, I also wouldn't want to go to Don Jr. S wedding if I was too old to want to do cocaine.

[Donald Trump]

Right?

[Jordan Klepper]

And Besides, this is Don Jr. S third fiance. Trump's probably like, if I miss this wedding, I'll just catch the next one. So fake news media, stop trying to get him with these gotcha questions, like, are you going to attend your son's wedding? The man's got important news about what's going on in Iran, and I want to pay attention.

[Donald Trump]

We have total control of the Strait of Hormuz. As you know, with our blockade, the blockade's been 100% effective. Nobody's been able to get.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I cannot pay attention. I don't want to tell the White House how to do their job, but is it possible that when the President is speaking in the Oval Office, we don't have a giant protruding belly button five inches from his face? I can't believe I'm saying this, but this is beneath the dignity of the office. And. And it's a low bar. Like, can you at least blur it or something? Like, I know it's technically not indecent, but it's making me very uncomfortable. I mean, a tie would solve this. Or. Or maybe a sweater. Or, like, 19 sweaters. Wait, wait, hang on a second. Let me. Let me try something here.

[Trevor Noah]

Oh, shit.

[Jordan Klepper]

It's coming right at me.

[Donald Trump]

Right?

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, but let's move on to something even more gross and harder to ignore. The Trump administration's corruption. This week, we learned about the new $1.8 billion slush fund for Trump allies who have supposedly been targeted by the government. And now we're finding out who's lining up at that MAGA slot machine.

[Correspondent/Reporter]

Proud Boys leader Enrique Tarrio said he plans on applying for a payout. MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell says he also is planning to file a claim.

[Trevor Noah]

Former Congressman George Santos and ex Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.

[Omaha Steaks Announcer]

Maybe Peter Navarro, maybe Steve Bannon.

[Correspondent/Reporter]

Adam Johnson, known better as the Lectern Guy, says he will submit his claim as soon as this week.

[Jordan Klepper]

Wow, that list is a real who's who of. Oh, yeah, that weirdo. All our favorite characters are back. It's like the final episode of Seinfeld, except this time, the Soup Nazi is just an actual Nazi. But the money is not going to just big name losers. Some of it is going to losers you've never even heard of. Brandon Fellowes was sentenced on felony and misdemeanor charges for entering the capital on January 6, seen here in a red beard costume. So the number I've put in is $30 million. Yeah, $30 million for wearing a mop on your face to Gen 6. How did you arrive at that? Very reasonable number. According to ChatGPT and Grok, I'm in at least the 3 to 5% upper tier for how terrible and also how strong of a case I have. Oh, okay, Grok told you that? I see. It's the AI that's banned from coming within 500ft of a school and is giving you legal advice. All right, well, open and shut case for me. Anybody else have a claim from January 6th? Rachel Powell, a mom of Ace and a grandmother to Ace, spent three years under house arrest. Okay, three years of house arrest with eight kids and eight grandkids. I don't care what you did. That is cruel and unusual punishment. I mean, look at her. Look at this sweet lady. Look at. She's like rolling some dough. What was her crime? Did she bring unauthorized muffins into the Capitol? I want to hear her side.

[Correspondent/Reporter]

A lot of people don't agree with what happened on January 6th, but when you step back and you look at somebody like me, for example, my major felony had to be struck down by the Supreme Court. It's my crime that day of breaking a window. Technically, that's a misdemeanor charge.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yes. When I see this woman trying to break into the Capitol with a battering ram like an orc in the Lord of the Rings, I think that's someone who deserves a payout. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong battering ram, breaking the wrong window. It could happen to any of us. And I like how she's trying to pretend the window she broke was just some random window. Like you're removing some pretty important contacts, ma'. Am. It's like John Wilkes Booth saying, oh, so what? I'm getting a firing squad just because I interrupted a play? America's cooked, man. Is there any voice of reason who will call out how wrong this is? Like any normal, not crazy person.

[Correspondent/Reporter]

One person, though, who says he won't file a claim is Jacob Chansley, the so called Qanon shaman. Quote, blood money.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, I guess even a broken brain is right twice a day. I mean, seriously, imagine if on January 6, I asked you to guess who will be the voice of reason on this. Would you have said the guy dressed like a stripper who's also a buffalo. But I guess this is a lesson to the rest of us that we shouldn't judge a book by its cover. Maybe the QAnon Shaman isn't as delusional as we thought. Jacob Chancellor, aka the QAnon Shaman, told CNN that he isn't going to participate in the fund because he's still suing

[Correspondent/Reporter]

the government for $40 trillion.

[Jordan Klepper]

No, that's the last time I trust a shirtless man in a raccoon hat. But if you're that angry that your taxpayer money is going to go to people who did Gen 6, let me reassure you, a ton more people are gonna get your money, too. In a memo released today, the DOJ said $1.8 billion was an appropriate amount for the fund, quote, given that literally tens of millions of Americans could be eligible for payments. Okay, hang on a second. So tens of millions of people means at least 20 million people, right? Because it's tens of millions. It's not 10 million. So at minimum it's 20 million people. So divide $1.8 billion by 20 million and that's like 90 bucks a person. That's not gonna help these people. That's barely two bags of crystal meth, okay? I'm telling you, when these people find out how little they're getting, they're gonna be so pissed at the government. And you know what happens when they get pissed at the government. The cycle continues. Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcast, watch the

[Trevor Noah]

Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount.

[Jordan Klepper]

Plus,

[Trevor Noah]

this has been a Comedy Central podcast.

[Donald Trump]

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