← The Daily Show: Ears Edition
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
This Week's News | Josh on Trump's Peace Prize Vendetta, Greenland Gambit & First-Year Accomplishments
00:27:01
Loading summary
Transcript83 lines
- [00:00]
A
This show is supported by Odoo. When you buy business software from lots of vendors, the costs add up and it gets complicated and confusing. Odoo solves this. It's a single company that sells a suite of enterprise apps that handles everything from accounting to inventory to sales. Odoo is all connected on a single platform in a simple and affordable way. You can save money without missing out on features you need. Check out Odoo at o d o o.com that's o d o o.com.
- [00:36]
B
This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home in auto policies. Try it@progressive.com Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.
- [00:56]
C
You're listening to Comedy Central.
- [01:03]
B
For the last year, Donald Trump has been fiending for a Nobel Peace Prize like a humanitarian award addict. He's tried everything from whining to pretending that he ended eight wars to offering to suck Norway's fjord in the parking lot. But the Nobel committee gave the prize to Venezuelan opposition leader Marina Karina Machado, and Trump was so butthurt, he said that she should give her prize to him. And because that's the stupidest possible thing that could happen, guess what happened? Venezuela's opposition leader and Nobel Peace Prize winner Maria Corina Machado saying she presented.
- [01:43]
C
Her prize to President Trump.
- [01:47]
B
Wow. This is one of the saddest images I've seen in months. And I follow one of those hairless cats on Instagra. You know the medal is only a symbol, right? Like, just because I steal a dollar AP Rocky's wedding ring doesn't make it so I'm married to Rihanna. Unless it would. I mean, I guess it's really what she thinks. Like, it's. It's kind of her decision to make. And I'm waiting. So look, earned or not, his or not, Trump has the Peace Prize. And who knows? Having the Peace Prize might make him a man of peace. What if he spends the rest of his life devoted to living up to it?
- [02:27]
C
President Trump turns up the heat on Greenland, the president refusing to rule out military action.
- [02:33]
B
You just got the Peace Prize. It's insane to immediately do the opposite of what you get a prize for. That's like if right after the Olympics, Michael Phelps drowned in the shallow end. But when I saw this, I thought, all right, that's insane. But it's also Trump. Maybe it's just one of his jokes, I'm sure he'll back down.
- [02:58]
A
Trump refusing to back down overnight, posting this fabricated image of himself planting the American flag with a sign that says Greenland, US Territory.
- [03:09]
B
I love how even the AI version of JD Vance and Marco Rubio are still like, yo, this is a bad idea. No, we gonna get in trouble. And I'm not surprised AI Rubio looks like this because AI is trained on real images, and every image of Marco Rubio looks like this. This man's body language is consistently screaming, man. When it comes to Trump, you might be thinking to why is Donald Trump so gung ho about going to war over Greenland? And I promise you the answer is dumber than you would have guessed. President Trump's escalating push to acquire Greenland now linking it to a perceived Nobel.
- [04:01]
C
Peace Prize snub in a text message to Norway's Prime Minister.
- [04:06]
A
Dear Jonas, considering your country decided not to give me the Nobel Peace Prize for having stopped eight wars, plus, I no longer feel an obligation to think purely of peace.
- [04:19]
B
There are a lot of reasons to think Trump is out of his mind. All right, the first one here is who starts a text message with dear. Because you know, this dude is also sending completely blank voice memos, too. You can tell Trump doesn't deserve the Peace Prize because no Nobel Peace Prize winner thinks this way. Let's say MLK didn't win it. He wouldn't have been like, oh, so that's how it's gonna be? All right, I'm coming for that ass, whitey. It's crazy to have someone admit that they were only being peaceful because they thought they were gonna get a trophy. This is some incel shit. All right? Trump is basically like, I never would have bought the Nobel committee dinner if I knew they weren't gonna give. Peace isn't even hot anyway, so it doesn't look like Norway can calm Trump down. France, you want to give it a shot?
- [05:24]
A
Trump now revealing private text messages he received from French President Emmanuel Macron saying, we are totally in line on Syria. We can do great things on Iran. I do not understand what you are doing on Greenland.
- [05:44]
B
These are the same texts Kanye got, like, just like, hey, man, great album. Uh, one question, though. So Trump is posting the French president's text. He is reading Marco Rubio's notes out loud. The only secret he can hold onto is how he keeps those ankles so juicy. But fine, Trump, you want to take this argument to the streets, that's cool. Macron will take it to the streets. By which I mean the World Economic Forum in Davos, the nicest street in the world. So, President Macron, time to deliver a speech that is focused and clear eyed. We need more stability in this world.
- [06:25]
C
But we do prefer respect to bullies.
- [06:30]
B
I'm sorry, those glasses are very distracting. I can't tell if you're the President of France or the lead of CSI Par. Now, to be fair, he said he wore sunglasses because there's something wrong with his eye, which is disappointing to learn. Like, why can't you just be cool for a cool reason? That's like if you saw a bulge in someone's pants and just as you were getting impressed, they were like, I see you've noticed my diaper, But this shit is getting out of control. Trump is threatening an invasion. Le Top Gun is saying we won't be bullied. Does Donald Trump have any way of getting Greenland without a war?
- [07:18]
A
The Trump administration is reportedly considering paying the people of Greenland to get them to separate from Denmark. White House officials are discussing the possible lump sum payments of up to $100,000 per person in Greenland.
- [07:33]
B
$100,000 to join America. I joined America. I've been joined America. Where's my signing bonus? Like, I thought the reason we couldn't have health care and stuff is cause we were broke. Like, if you think Greenland needs this money, let me introduce you to a place called Detroit. Cause I know America would for that much change, but let's see how the people of Greenland feel about it.
- [08:13]
A
So I think Trump doesn't know about Greenlandic people. We don't really value cash and Kardashian lips and fake boops and stuff like that very highly.
- [08:25]
B
Damn, that was uncalled for. First thing, we're not all about fake lips and boobs. I'll have you know we're mostly into butts now. It's one thing to dog Trump, but you're talking about America. Americans could slam you too if we, you know, knew anything about Greenland or, or where you are. Soon as we find you on a map, consider yourself roasted. All right. But if the bribes don't work and the invasion doesn't pan out, Trump always has his fallback plan.
- [09:01]
A
Trump has threatened eight NATO countries with punishing tariffs. 10% in February, jumping to 25% in June, until a, quote, deal is reached for the complete and total purchase of Greenland.
- [09:13]
B
Of course it's tariffs. This man has no other moves and no imagination. This is getting sad. And I mean sadder than Marco Rubio holding one of those hairless Instagram cats. Good morning, Crust. It's a great day to be a bread brother. Ugh. Mornings are not my jam or jelly. Oh, come on. Stop loafing around. I just woke up feeling hollow inside. Just grab one of the new morning uncrustable sandwiches like Bright eyed berry or up an apple filled with 12 grams of protein and tons of deliciousness crust. What are you eating? It's just granola.
- [09:51]
C
Not even yogurt.
- [09:52]
B
No crust, no fuss. Uncrust your mornings.
- [09:56]
A
This episode is brought to you by Greenlight. Get this, adults with financial literacy skills have 82% more wealth than those who don't. From swimming lessons to piano classes, us parents invest in so many things to enrich our kids lives. But are we investing in their future financial success? With Greenlight, you can teach your kids financial literacy skills like earning, saving and investing. And this investment costs less than that. After school treatment, start prioritizing their financial education and future Today with a risk free trial@greenlight.com Spotify greenlight.com Spotify.
- [10:27]
B
Yesterday marked one year since Trump's inauguration. That's like one and a half popes ago. Rip to a real one. I will find your killer. So Trump decided to crash the White House press briefing to tout his accomplishments, but also to do some prop comedy.
- [10:44]
C
Here's the book on accomplishments, and this is something. Oh, I'm glad my finger wasn't in that sucker. That could have done some damage. But you know what? I wouldn't have shown the pain and I would have acted like nothing happened as my finger fell off. That was a nasty. I think somebody did that.
- [11:04]
B
Wait, wait, wait. First of all, is finger falling off something you think could happen to you? Is that on the menu? Like, I thought you had the best health report of all time. You're telling me fingers are falling off like it's autumn? Now, you might think this is just a stack of blank papers or maybe, if you're feeling generous, pictures of boobs. But this file was actually filled with Trump's accomplishments, which is why Trump treated it with the respect, care, and pride it deserved.
- [11:35]
C
But look at this. These are all. Each line is something that we did. Nobody did that before. And it's big stuff. Look, we have the hottest country in the world.
- [11:52]
B
Wow. Okay. Turns out Trump hates reading more than he loves bragging. But look, whether you love what Trump's done the past year or hate it, he has been busy. Let's hear about some of these incredible.
- [12:04]
C
Accomplishments with bullet points like number 243 stripped notorious crackhead and grifter Hunter Biden.
- [12:11]
A
Of his Taxpayer funded Secret Service detail.
- [12:15]
B
Notorious crackhead. That may seem harsh, but name another famous crackhead from the last five years. I'll wait. To be fair, the bar on crackhead notoriety is pretty low. Most people don't know the names of too many crackheads. Hell, most crackheads I know don't even know their own names. But look, Donald Trump is not about the past. This man is about America's future. Bringing one crackhead to justice may have been Trump's biggest first year accomplishment. He's been very clear about what his second year biggest accomplishment is gonna be.
- [12:51]
C
We need Greenland. All we're asking for is to get Greenland, including right title and ownership. We're talking about acquiring, not leasing, not having it short term. We're talking about acquiring. You need ownership, you really need title, as they say in the real estate business.
- [13:09]
B
You heard the man. We need Greenland. We need it like. Well, like Hunter Biden needs crack. All right, we're notorious Greenland heads, and that's the type of dude he is. If Trump wants something, he gets it. It's like if you went out to a bar with your friend and you saw a gorgeous woman across the bar and then he turned to you and said, I'm going home with her tonight. You may need to pay the tab because your boy's about to smash. That's just the kind of confidence Donald Trump has. And that's why today he flew to Davos to explain to Europe why America should own Greenland.
- [13:44]
C
No nation or group of nations is in any position to be able to secure Greenland other than the United States. It's the United States alone that can protect this giant mass of land, this giant piece of ice, develop it and improve it, and make it so that it's good for Europe and safe for Europe and good for us.
- [14:06]
B
That's right. It's huge, undeveloped, in a strategic location. It's like if your grandma had a Manhattan apartment she bought in 1950. Once she dies in it, you're gonna push her down the trash chute and live like a king. It all sounds great, but I do have one problem. We already have a treaty with Denmark that lets us build as many military bases in Greenland as necessary. I don't know why we need to own Greenland. To defend it.
- [14:33]
C
You need the ownership to defend it. You can't defend it on a lease. Number one, legally, it's not defensible that way. Totally. And number two, psychologically, who the hell wants to defend a license agreement or a lease?
- [14:53]
B
I guess I get what he means, because you do care Less about things when they're not yours. Like, a parent will do anything to protect their kids, but if I'm babysitting, You know what I mean? Like, I'll give it a good college try, but at the end of the day, he don't look like me. All right, but look, it really doesn't matter why Trump wants something. The point is he wants Greenland. And you can tell because his focus is 100% on Greenland.
- [15:23]
A
The president referred to Greenland as Iceland.
- [15:27]
C
I'm helping NATO. And until the last few days, when I told them about Iceland, they loved me.
- [15:34]
B
Okay, anyone can slip up. All right, obviously he doesn't mean Iceland. He's not gonna make that mistake three times in as many sentences.
- [15:42]
C
They're not there for us on Iceland, that I can tell you. I mean, our stock market took the first dip yesterday because of Iceland, so Iceland's already cost us a lot of money.
- [15:54]
B
I'm just glad we got rid of the last guy whose brain didn't work. But you know what? It doesn't matter what he said, because when the man wants something, he gets it.
- [16:05]
A
We are following even more breaking news.
- [16:08]
B
President Trump now says he has reached.
- [16:10]
A
A, quote, framework deal on Greenland.
- [16:14]
B
What did I just say? All right, that crazy, finger losing son of a bitch did it again. He got himself a deal. And you know that deal includes owning Greenland.
- [16:24]
A
Does it still include the United States having ownership of Greenland like you've said you wanted?
- [16:29]
B
Uh, Wait a minute. That doesn't sound good. That. That's not the, uh, of ownership. You at least got a deal, right, Trump? Tell me you got a deal.
- [16:53]
C
Well, we have a concept of a deal.
- [16:57]
B
Concepts of a deal? You flew all the way to Davos for concepts of a deal? This is so sad. Remember that friend at the bar who went to approach the beautiful woman? This is like if he just walked back up and you're like, okay, well, what did she say? And he's like, oh, her? Nah, nah, she a ghost. Well, did you at least get her digits? I got concepts of digits. I know there's a seven in there somewhere. You know what? This is all my bad for thinking Trump's word is worth his weight in gold, because it's definitely not gold. It's more like whatever material they made that Titan submersible out of. What was that, graham crackers or something? But maybe what Europe did here is a lesson for the rest of us. Because Trump barged into Davos like, I want to own Greenland. And Europe just said no. And in just six hours, they worked him down from owning Greenland to concepts of a deal. So maybe saying no is something more of us in America might want to try instead of complying in advance. College presidents, law firms, media outlets. Whoever keeps giving Trump that tacky gold shit to put on his walls, just tell that man no. In the meantime, good on Denmark for standing its ground. You did it. Although if he changed his mind, you might want to bulk up your defenses with some of those binder clips just to be safe. This is pro linebacker TJ Watt, and I'm back with YPB by Abercrombie for another activewear drop. My second co Design Collect collection has new shorts and tanks that keep up with all my in season workouts. And their new Restore collection is a game changer off the field too, because even pro athletes like me need rest days. Shop YPB by Abercrombie in the app, online and in stores because your personal best is greater than anything.
- [19:01]
C
New year, same extra value meals at McDonald's. So now get two snack wraps plus fries and a medium soft drink for.
- [19:09]
B
Just $8 for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California. And for delivery. This week was a major milestone because Donald Trump made it a whole year. And I gotta give him a hand. Literally. I think he needs a new hand. Cause that hand's got one unopened pickle jar before it slides right off. So tonight I thought we'd do a progress report. You know, what Donald Trump promised during the campaign versus what we got so far. We'll see how he grades out. I'm guessing maybe like an A minus. Does that sound good to y'? All? Okay, damn. Fine A. I didn't realize y' all were such fans. Let's start with maybe the biggest promise Trump made during the campaign.
- [19:53]
C
I'm telling you, you're gonna become very rich. You're gonna become rich as hell. You're not gonna know what to do with the money.
- [19:59]
B
Yes, we will. It'll be 10,000 years before I run out of ideas for what to do with the money. You give me UNL unlimited money and I run out of ideas for how to spend it. I'll just start eating it. Americans will always figure out what to do with extra money. Have you ever seen how many cybertrucks we've sold? That shit can't even drive over loose gravel, and I still see one every day. Now the question is, one year later, did Trump make us all rich? Considering your nana asked the whole family to subscribe to her onlyfans so she could pay the light bill. I would say no. If I'm being honest, I don't know anybody who's feeling richer.
- [20:39]
A
According to the New York Times, Trump.
- [20:41]
B
Has used the office of the presidency.
- [20:42]
A
To pocket more than $1.4 billion for himself.
- [20:47]
B
Wait, $1.4 billion off of being the president? That's so rich, it makes every other president look stupid. Like, what was up with George Washington's wooden teeth? You broke, bitch. You should have had them molars iced out. So I'm going to say that promise was not kept. But you can't win them all. Let's look at another one.
- [21:19]
C
So we're going to have more jobs than we've ever had? You will have more jobs. We're going to create a lot of jobs. We will take in so many jobs. Millions and millions of new. You're gonna do it like nobody else.
- [21:32]
B
Now, did we get millions of jobs? Well, if by jobs, you mean the foot jobs your nana is giving to pay the electricity bill, then yes. Look, job growth across the country has actually been down. But there's one specific block of Washington, D.C. where job growth is through the roof. President Trump, of course, serves as the chairman of the Board of Peace. Donald Trump naming himself chair of the Louisiana Olympics Task Force.
- [21:55]
C
Trump is also the chairman of the Kennedy Center.
- [21:57]
B
For the first time ever, the president served as the onstage host of the annual honors event.
- [22:03]
A
Touted himself as the acting president of Venezuela.
- [22:08]
B
Whoa. Trump. Trump. Leave some work for Steve Harvey. All right, Trump has taken everybody's jobs. He's basically AI with even more up hands. Hey, hey, don't look away. This man needs hands. But this is crazy. Trump promised us riches, then he got rich. He promised us jobs, but then he got all the jobs. Wait, what if? What if? When we heard all of Trump's promises, we thought he was talking to us, but maybe he was just talking to himself, because if you look at it that way, he might be keeping his promises. Like, look at health care. He's been promising to improve health care for, like, a decade now, and things are so bad, the only healthcare most people can afford is is watching the pit and hoping Noah Wiley tells a patient how to treat eczema. But Donald Trump has more health care than he knows what to do with.
- [23:04]
A
President Trump says he has no idea which part of him doctors were looking at when he had an MRI in October. What part of your body was the MRI looking at?
- [23:13]
C
I have no idea.
- [23:16]
B
You have no idea? Are you getting so many MRIs they just blend together. Like, do you just get in tubes that people tell you to? I'm starting to think that if you got close enough to Trump, you could probably just give him a colonoscopy. This guy's presidency is going great for himself. Just look at free speech.
- [23:35]
C
We will restore free speech, and we need free speech in this country.
- [23:41]
B
Yes. Trump promised a golden era of free speech. Not for you. They'll put you in jail just for posting memes. But Donald Trump, his speech. Whew. It's so free, it seems like it's Lost in the woods.
- [23:53]
C
She's a documentary. Yes. Only if you buy a Tesla. Aber baijan go nal f. So it's gona left. Is that a proper pronunciation? I would say Abraham, but it's so much nicer when you say Abraham. Well, let's see how we say that. Acetaminophen pergovurius pergovurus. As a linguist, translator, and cryptologic technician.
- [24:29]
B
Whoa. Listening to Trump makes me feel like I'm having a medical event, which is especially bad because he didn't fix health care. But you know what? Maybe my favorite Trump promise isn't even about a specific policy. It was deeper and more meaningful.
- [24:45]
C
We're going to dream big again. We haven't been dreaming big at all.
- [24:49]
B
No, we haven't. But now Donald Trump is dreaming enough for all of us.
- [24:54]
A
We're showing a picture now of Donald Trump with his eyes closed, battling to keep his eyes open, struggling to stay.
- [25:00]
B
Awake, slumped in a chair in the.
- [25:01]
A
Oval Office today, appearing to nod off. He may have dozed off a few times.
- [25:07]
B
Hey, hey, don't laugh at him, all right? Leave that poor man alone. He got, like, nine or 10 jobs. So, bottom line, when it comes to Donald Trump, there's no you in us. And once you understand that, things will go a lot better for us. And by us, I mean Donald Trump. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, unfortunately, we're all in his hands. Look at it.
- [25:35]
C
Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. Plus.
- [25:52]
B
This has been a Comedy Central podcast.
- [25:56]
A
If you're a podcast host, listen up. This one's for you. My name is Ali Jackson. I'm the host of Finding Mr. Height, a dating and relationship podcast that I've been doing for four years now, sharing my positive and practical approach to dating that's built on my own life experience. And I wanted to share another experience that I've had. My secret behind monetizing my show, it's called Red Circle. And I was just telling my colleague about how much I love their platform. With Red Circle, not only am I getting a seamless hosting experience, but I also love the support I receive in ad sales. It's not just typical ad sales either. It's targeted opportunities based on my show and my life. And the platform is super simple. You just set your preferences and Red Circle matches you with sponsors that align with your show. You can vet every opportunity and their platform gives you great analytics. More recently too, my Red Circle team has brought me opportunities outside of my podcast on social media to really augment the podcast partnerships. Bring them full circle. I just can't recommend them enough. If you want to give it a try, go to redcircle.com to get your free trial. That's redcircle.com for a free trial. If you are a podcast host, listen up. This one's for you. My name is Allie Jackson. I'm the host of Finding Mr. Height, a dating and relationship podcast that I've been doing for four years now, sharing my positive and practical approach to dating that's built on my own life experience. And I wanted to share another experience that I've had, my secret behind monetizing my show. It's called Red Circle. And I was just telling my colleague about how much I love their platform. With Red Circle, not only am I getting a seamless hosting experience, but I also love the support I receive in ad sales. It's not just typical ad sales either. It's targeted opportunities based on my show and my life. And the platform is super simple. You just set your preferences and Red Circle matches you with sponsors that align with your show. You can vet every opportunity and their platform gives you great analytics. More recently too, my Redcircle team has brought me opportunities outside of my podcast on social media to really augment the podcast partnerships. Bring them full circle. I just can't recommend them enough. If you want to give it a try, go to redcircle.com to get your free trial. That's redcircle.com for a free trial.