← The Daily Show: Ears Edition
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
This Week's News | MAGA Rages Over Bad Bunny, Trump in the Epstein Files “A Million Times”
00:55:37
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- [00:00]
Ninjalux Cafe Announcer
This episode is brought to you by Ninjalux Cafe, the three in one machine that makes espresso, drip coffee and cold brew. No barista skills required.
- [00:10]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
You're listening to Comedy Central. Super Bowl Sunday. And what a game, what a game it was, man. If you like high scoring contests where the outcome is in doubt till the final suspenseful climactic seconds, this was not the game for me.
- [00:37]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Slow.
- [00:40]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Grinding. It nearly took all the fun out of watching the Patriots lose. I was saluting the Patriots and their one year rebuild. But you know what? At least we had our snacks. That's what's the important part. I'll be honest with you. I went with the whole shebang. Six foot hoagie, wings, nachos, queso, hot and cold running Budweiser. Am I missing any of the classics?
- [01:19]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
What would you have as a Super bowl snack? I. You know, I am on a carnivore diet, so I just eat meat and ferments.
- [01:49]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Did this. Did this mother just say his diet is meat and ferments? He's so weird. Why does he always have to be so pluribus? Why? Carol, would you like some ferments? Just as a normal non alien species to another, it is a Super bowl party. I don't care if your diet is meat and ferments. What are you having at the super bowl party?
- [02:36]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
So I'm gonna probably have yogur.
- [02:47]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
You're gonna have yogurt for the Super Bowl? For the super bowl you're having yogurt. You eat meat and ferments. And for the super bowl you went ferments. You know, dude, it's one thing to bring measles and polio back, but I think I've. When I say if you ever show up at my super bowl party with a tub of yogurt, you couldn't just muster up a little trunk bear jerky. Like what? But even though the game was a grind, your weird friend brought you a six pack yogurt. At least we all have the halftime show this year.
- [03:58]
Guest or additional commentator (possibly a female or another male voice)
I love it.
- [04:03]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Yeah. Sponsored this year by Ferments. Ferments. It puts the fart in rfk. This year's super bowl halftime show start. Benito Antonio Martinez. Bad Bunny Ocasio. And he was out there and delivered a performance that was, as they say in Puerto rico, quite good. Mr. Bunny killed it. Despite being trapped in an escapable sugar cane hedge maze. He had Lady Gaga. He had Ricky Martin. He had the Mandalorian. He threw a wedding. He held a model un and he even had the time to make A Conhead service stop mid concert. It's okay. He did it all. Just reboot the box and enjoy. De nada. It was joyful and infectious and the single worst halftime show in NFL history. Oh, oh, right, right, right. I forgot, I forgot. For a significant portion of Americans, everything that happens must uniformly be filtered through a particular magacentric worldview and judged on how well it conforms to that traditional vision, which doesn't include knowing where the bibliotheca is.
- [05:39]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
To get up there and perform the whole show in Spanish is a middle finger to the rest of America.
- [05:46]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
The majority of people in the audience had no idea what was being said. Is it too much to ask to.
- [05:52]
Guest or additional commentator (possibly a female or another male voice)
Put it in English?
- [05:53]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Not one word of English.
- [05:54]
Ninjalux Cafe Announcer
Yeah.
- [05:54]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Not one word of English.
- [05:55]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
One word. Here's some English for you. Who put thanos over here in the air? Fryer. Did. They did. They did. Fox decided they needed an actual buffalo wing to comment on the game. Dude, seriously, we all like to get sun, but. I mean, I'm no dermatologist, but be there tomorrow morning as early as you can be there. It's like the guy's couch is one of those chicken rotisseries. He's watching the game. Like, tell me if I miss anything. I've got like 10 of these. Seriously, how many glizzies do you gobble before you become one? But the point is, this is America. This is the Super Bowl. Is it too much to ask for a halftime show that this great nation can enjoy in its mother tongue? It's why the good people at TPUSA went through the trouble of putting on an alternative all American halftime show that celebrated this beautiful country in the King's English. We all share. Thank you. Was that so hard? Thank you. Thank you. Merriam and Webster couldn't have put it better themselves regarding the up jumping of said boogie. Insofar as the diggy diggy diggy being da bang, a da bang. I got that right. But surely, surely, surely you didn't miss Bad Bunny just to watch an old man in acid washed jorts badly lip sync his way through a pre taped bawa da ba performance. Surely the TPUSA halftime show is a broader spectacle of Americana to rival this most malevolent of bunnies. Looks like somebody dipped into the ferments.
- [09:09]
Ninjalux Cafe Announcer
Oh.
- [09:13]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
I've never seen a cello player who looks like the porn version of a cello player. Bomb chicka bomb, bomb chicka bomb bomb. I'm sorry, let me skip forward a little bit. There's gotta be something else worth missing. Out on Bad Bunny for in this country nowadays. Wait, I'm. Wait, isn't. What exactly is so hard about being country nowadays? I just want to catch my fish, drive my truck, drink my beer. That's that. So far, it sounds relatively easy. Am I missing a heavier lift? I just want to cut my grass, feed my dog, wear my boots. Sir, I. Sir, again, I must insist. All of these seem like achievable goals. I mean, you're wearing boots right now. What exactly is it about being country that is so difficult? If I tell my own daughter that little boys ain't little girls. Here we go. I'll give the creaking hot water. This came to your world. You're so brave. People throw the word hero around, but this is a big, bold opinion to hold in your genre, sir. Really risking it all going up against country music's trans cartel. By the way, also, if you did get canceled, really more time for the fishing and the mowing and the truck beer drinking. And if I could just remind you, really just the important thing, feeding the dog. Again, I can't. I can't stress this enough in the song. Between the beer and the. And the fishing, really just feed your dog every day, sir, I know it's hard, but you know what? There was a bigger reason why TPUSA had to do their own halftime show. Because the NFL's halftime show failed its one true mandate.
- [12:20]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Doing a halftime show in all Spanish is not unifying the super bowl halftime show divided in a time that's supposed to be a unifying moment, they could.
- [12:31]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
Have found somebody more uniting.
- [12:33]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Why the. Is it the super bowl halftime entertainer's job to unify the country? In what world is that their job? Oh, isn't there another person whose job description is much more along those lines? Let me ask you a question. Let me ask. Don't make me get my yogurts. What did that person do to unify the country?
- [13:19]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
In a social media post, President Trump mocked Bad Bunny's performance, calling it, quote, absolutely terrible, one of the worst ever, then adding, quote, nobody understands a word this guy is saying.
- [13:33]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Nobody. I love that he thinks Bad Bunny is the one guy in the world that's fluent in Spanish. Nobody understands. It's a dead language. You know, the right has a lot of balls complaining that Bad Bunny didn't do enough to unify this country when you only found out a few days ago that Puerto Rico's a part of it. And before you get. And before you get your panties in una torcion, another unifying pro Tip might be to tell your guy to stop tweeting out racist slop during, I don't know, Black History Month.
- [14:36]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
The White House facing backlash over a racist depiction of the Obamas contained in a video post on the president's Truth Social account.
- [14:45]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
At the end, the video suddenly flashed to a clip of the Obamas faces, superimposed.
- [14:51]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Apes.
- [14:51]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Ladies and gentlemen, before you get upset, just know the racist video in question was not in Spanish. Rest easy. We're starting to heal. I mean, if 20 minutes of bad Bunny's halftime show destroyed the country's unity, I think even MAGA would be terribly upset that the unifier in chief would be sharing a video this racist. Or would that. I mean, this is probably crazy, but would they try and justify it?
- [15:27]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
It wasn't a video that was racist. It was a video that ended with a racist thing.
- [15:32]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Which doesn't make. That doesn't matter. If you say the N word at the end of the sentence, it still ruins the whole. There are certain things in this world where. There are certain things in this world where placement is less important than presence. Oh, I don't have gonorrhea. The tip of my penis has gonorrhea. You're gonna judge my entire penis by the gonorrheic tip? Who's the racist now? Can we at least all agree that the last part where he compared the Obamas to apes was definitely racist? At the end of the day, human beings often point to other human beings.
- [16:30]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
And notice that they kind of look like this animal or that animal.
- [16:34]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Come on. But there are, you know, certain anthropomorphic comparisons that historically have been used to justify, oh, I don't know, slavery, but go ahead. I apologize for interrupting you.
- [16:48]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
I did know a girl that looked.
- [16:49]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Like a guy that looked like a.
- [16:50]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Monkey, but he was white. He was my friend Joey and he was white.
- [17:04]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
So in terms of racist justifications, he's blown right past the I have a black friend and moved right into the I have a white friend who looks like a monkey and poor Joey, poor white friend Joey. What a way to find out. You've got. What a way to find out. You've got restaurants, primate face, Poor mother Joey probably sitting at home watching his friend on television picking nits out of his wife's hair. And then he's gotta look up and be like, what that guy say? Me? Uh, uh, Joey met Joey throw poop at tv. Joey throw poop and jerk off and throw a demon and poop and then semen and then poop. Not even the Cameramen have heard all this shit. We're going off script tonight. Mother. I gotta tell you, this video was so bad, there were actual Republicans who criticized it.
- [18:46]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
Senator Tim Scott of South Carolina, the Senate's only black Republican, calling the president's post the most racist thing I've seen out of this White House.
- [18:54]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Wow.
- [18:56]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
By the way, Tim Scott's face. That is the face almost all Republicans make in private when they've been told what Trump said. But seriously, though, Senator, is it the most racist thing that's come out of this White House? Well, survey says it is. Congratulations, you've won the opportunity to probably have to say this shit again next week. But Tim Scott's criticism forced the President to delete the video, which puts the President in an uncomfortable position as Sophie's Choice. He deleted the video. Does he admit that he's racist, or does he admit that he just made a simple mistake? Let's see how he threads the needle.
- [19:39]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
Mr. President, a number of Republicans are calling on you to apologize for that post. Is that something you're going to do?
- [19:45]
Guest or additional commentator (possibly a female or another male voice)
No, I didn't make a mistake.
- [19:47]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
So we're going with racist. But of course, in the example of a performer you don't particularly care for, the upset is justified. But in the example of the President of the United States sharing a racist meme. Well, get over yourselves.
- [20:05]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Press Secretary Carolyn Levitt said, and I quote, please stop the fake outrage and report on something today that actually matters to the American public.
- [20:13]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Which is crazy, because at this point in the MAGA movement, all they have is fake outrage, Olympic outrage.
- [20:24]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
American freestyle skiers are facing backlash following controversial comments made about representing the U.S. what many call anti American rhetoric. I'm disgusted by it.
- [20:35]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
It's so upsetting.
- [20:36]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
It's so inappropriate. This guy hates his country. He's clearly ashamed to be wearing the flag.
- [20:40]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Go back home to Oregon in this case and march with antifa. What? Sir, think this through. Do you want our nation's greatest athletes joining antifa? What? This is not the solution. You, sir, you have abs of steel and powerful glutes. Grab a black bandana and get in the fight. But. Oh, my God, first time here. What did this Olympian say? It must be way more upsetting and outrageous than what the President of the United States racist memes are.
- [21:17]
Sponsor or advertisement voice
It brings up mixed emotions to represent.
- [21:19]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
The US Right now. I think it's a little hard. There's obviously a lot going on that I'm not the biggest fan of.
- [21:39]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
That's the hate mongering. That's the most laid Back mongering. That was like the hacky sack of political condemnation. It's like, bruh, I feel like right now the country shouldn't be swag, it should be diggity dank. And by the way, maga, you want to hear the good, straight up anti American shit? Talk to your boss.
- [22:12]
Guest or additional commentator (possibly a female or another male voice)
Our country is now a cesspool. We are a nation in decline. We're in a failing country. We're in a country that's being laughed at. We're a dumping ground. We're like a democracy. We're like a garbage can. Our country is going to hell. We have blood, death and suffering on a scale once unthinkable. A third world hellhole ruled by censors, perverts, criminals and thugs.
- [22:35]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
I mean, after reading the Epstein files, it's hard to argue with the last part. That part. Anyway, these mother better go back to Oregon and join antifa. So wait, so why are you bothered by the. I don't know, man. Things feel pretty bad there and kind of conflicted. And not bothered by the straight up anti American vitriol from dear Leader?
- [23:06]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
How about you wearing the flag?
- [23:08]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
You were representing your country.
- [23:10]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Yes, and you can save your other comments for when you're not wearing the flag.
- [23:13]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Gary, that's. It's a flag. Son of. I didn't think it's a flag. Freedom of speech very clearly states you cannot shout fire in a crowded theater or smack talk America while sporting any national symbols. That's it's right. So if I were to show you, let's say, a video of President Donald. Jesus Trump shitting on America and Americans while sporting the very insignia that you deem so sacred. What if I showed you a video like that? I'm sure you'd just show them this.
- [23:41]
Guest or additional commentator (possibly a female or another male voice)
Country has gotten bloated and fat and disgusting.
- [23:45]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Oh, and look what he's wearing, bitches. He's wearing the flag, shitting on America. America and Americans. Oh, but that's a pin. It's gotta be cloth and sewn on. And don't say, oh, yeah, but Donald Trump wasn't overseas' cause we have video of Donald Trump insulting America while standing next to Putin in Finland. And don't say, well, the skier was dry humping our beautiful flag. No, that was your guy. So the point is this. When did the right become such a pussies? Win, win. Remember 2017. Remember what you hated about liberals? Oh, perpetually offended. Safe spaces, censoring free speech, culture of victimhood. Remind you of anyone? I can't go 15 minutes without listening to country music. I need a separate show. That's Scare tr. I can't sleep. Not the best imitation, but you know what I'm going for. This whole culture war this weekend has really demonstrated one thing. It's that for all of maga's triumphalism, it's not a movement that seems confident in its position. These people who control every branch of government are so triggered by someone singing in Spanish for 20 minutes they need to create their own safe space. Alternative halftime show where trad Bunny over here is singing songs about how he can't even enjoy sitting in a truck and drinking beer cuz he knows that somewhere out there there's a trans person. It's actually pathetic. The gap between the power you all wield. I'm the gap between the power you all wield and the victimhood you all claim is the real offense. If you didn't actually have the power to do so much damage in our country, I think we all dismiss it as a weak and pathetic pity party. That's what you're throwing. What kind of snacks would you have at a weak and pathetic pity party?
- [26:15]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
So I'm gonna probably have yogurt.
- [26:17]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
That's right.
- [26:19]
Ninjalux Cafe Announcer
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- [27:19]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
We are now well into season five of the Epstein files and it's not ending anytime soon. Over in England, they've already devoted Prince Andrew down to street urchin Andrew. But the people still want more. Overseas. Someone heckled King Charles today because of his brother Andrew's ties to the convicted sex offender and financier Charles, how long.
- [27:45]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Have you known about Andrew and Edstein? Have you been protecting Andrew for prosecution?
- [27:58]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Wow. Wow. The new season of Billy on the street is dark and buddy look, buddy, I gotta say, be careful. This is the king you're talking to here. He's got actual knights to protect him. Sir Anthony Hopkins and Sir Elton John are gonna. You up, man. Meanwhile, over here in America, members of Congress now have special access to the unredacted Epstein files. Although seeing how the redacted files already mentioned Donald Trump thousands of times, I doubt there's gonna be anything new about him in the UN Unredacted.
- [28:33]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
Once Axios reports that after Congressman Jamie Raskin reviewed the unredacted Epstein files, he said Donald Trump's name appears, quote, more than a million times.
- [28:44]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Holy shit. A million times. There's not even that many references to Hamlet in the play Hamlet. Now, maybe Raskin is just being hyperbolic, but if this is true, wouldn't it just be easier to call this the Trump Files featuring Jeffrey Epstein?
- [29:07]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
It's easier.
- [29:09]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Rolls off the tongue. I mean, just. Just, Just think about the effort it took Trump's Justice Department to redact his name that many times. It's like trying to remove the pee from the water park at this point. You just need to accept that it's in there and try not to think about it. But Donald Trump isn't the only member of the administration in the hot seat. So is Howard Lutnick, Commerce Secretary and dad of a family staying at the White Lotus. Now, a while back, he went on a podcast, and he explained how he lived next door to Jeffrey Epstein, went to his house once in 2005, got the ick, and never saw him again.
- [29:52]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
My wife and I decided that I will never be in the room with that disgusting person ever again. A one and absolutely done.
- [30:03]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
One and absolutely done. I commend you, Howard, for your moral clarity. I mean, just to be. Just to be. Just to be crystal clear, there was no part of you that was even just a little bit curious about Jeffrey Epstein.
- [30:19]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
It's gross. That guy's gross. With my wife, the guy's gross.
- [30:25]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
It's gross.
- [30:26]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
He's gross. You're right.
- [30:29]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
And if a man who works every day next to Stephen Miller thinks you're gross, wow, that is truly saying something. And so, with his conscience clear, Secretary Lutnick carried his innocent heart to the Senate this morning to testify on broadband deployment. Senator Van Hollen, I see you have a question perhaps, about fiber optic cable. Why did the Epstein file show you coordinating a meeting and planning a visit with Jeffrey Epstein on his private island in December 2012? Excuse me, Senator, this is Howard One and Don Lutnick you're talking about here. There's no way that seven years after saying he would never see Epstein again that he visited him on his private island. Okay, Howie, Howie, set this guy straight.
- [31:24]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
I did have lunch with him as I was on a boat going across on a family vacation.
- [31:29]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Oh, Howie, you're breaking my heart. What was it all the one and the done and the gross and the gross? Was eating with a sex criminal your only option for lunch hour? You couldn't have tried making a PB and J just once? And the fact that you went there on a boat makes it so much worse. I mean, if you ran into him at a potbelly's and he said, sit down, I would understand. But you actively navigated a ship towards the band. You're on there shouting, captain, raise the sails and set a course for pedophile island. Howard, look, man, I don't think I could be more disappointed in you.
- [32:14]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
My wife was with me, as were my four children and nannies.
- [32:20]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Howard, I went to Epstein Island. But don't worry, I brought my kids. Isn't the excuse you think it is? Good God damn. I hate to ask it. I hate it. Howard. I mean, come on. What happened on that island?
- [32:42]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
We had lunch on the island. That is true. For an hour. And we left with all of my.
- [32:47]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Children, Father of the year over here. Just to be clear, Howard Lutnick went from I never saw that gross man again to okay, I did visit his island. Hey, back off. I left with all my kids, okay? I counted them. I'm the good guy here. You know what? Maybe I shouldn't be too harsh on Howard. Let he, who has never sworn he cut ties with a convicted sex offender, only to later dock his private yacht onto a private sex island for a quick lunch before continuing his family vacation with not one but multiple dannies. Cast the first one. And done. I just hope this is the only hero I have. Who has been besmirched by the Epstein files.
- [33:37]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
New questions tonight about former Montana state professor and paleontologist Jack Horner, the scientist who helped inspire Jurassic Park.
- [33:46]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Oh, Jack, not you. Little Jack Horner. Tell me you just sat in that corner. In emails released from 2012, Horner thanks Epstein and the girls for hosting him at the Financiers New Mexico ranch. He describes the property's geology, even mentioning its potential for fossils. All right, all right, okay. You know what?
- [34:10]
Guest or additional commentator (possibly a female or another male voice)
You know what?
- [34:11]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Let's not jump to conclusions here. Maybe Jack was just there for fossils. Epstein asked me to go to the Bone Zone. I thought he meant something else. Maybe. Maybe Maybe. Maybe. You know, and I hope it was just fossil because it would be so sad if we can't even trust paleontologists not to be pedophiles now. I mean, you're supposed to be into really, really old stuff. That's like literally your whole thing. So we don't know if this guy was getting his own fossil dusted while he was there. But, but, but don't make it. You're making. You're making it dirty. But, but let me remind you that this is not the only connection Epstein had to dinosaurs, nor is it the weirdest.
- [35:01]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Joined Epstein and his co conspirator Ghislaine Maxwell on a trip to North Dakota with a paleontologist on the search for dinosaur fossils.
- [35:15]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
That is probably the most RFK way you could be in the Epstein files. RFK is such a weird guy. I actually do believe he would have called Epstein and said, I don't want to come to the sex party, but call me if you want to dig up dino bones. Also, don't wear condoms. They give your penis autism.
- [35:36]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Just.
- [35:39]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Okay, so, okay, so now, now the question is, how will the fossil hunting community respond to these revelations?
- [35:51]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
The paleontology convention dinocon has announced they are banning anyone with ties to Jeffrey Epstein from attending their events.
- [36:01]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Whoa.
- [36:03]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Yeah.
- [36:04]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
All right. That's right, everybody. Finally, some accountability at dinocon. Just like we've always demanded. Our pedophilic ruling elite may stalk the halls of power, but they will never stalk the hallways of the Birmingham Hilton with a full weekend pass. Brontosaurus breakfast included.
- [36:27]
Sponsor or advertisement voice
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- [37:34]
Ninjalux Cafe Announcer
Cafe quality brews without a barista. That's the Ninjalux Cafe. Yup, no skills needed. Rich espresso balanced drip coffee, rapid cold brew. All made by you. Because barista assist technology handles the details. Grinding, weighing, brewing. So you don't have to finish with silky microfoam made with dairy or plant based milk. Hot or cold, hands free. Still no skills needed. From first timer to full blown coffee fan, you can brew it all. Brew it all with the Ninjalux Cafe. No skills needed. Cafe quality coffee without the guesswork. Make espresso, drip coffee, cold brew and more with the Ninjalux Cafe. Listeners of this show get $60 off the Ninjalux Cafe premiere series with the Code Stewart exclusive on SharkNinja.com while supplies last. That's $60 off the Ninja Lux Cafe premiere series with Code Stewart exclusively on SharkNinja.com while supplies last.
- [38:34]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Let's kick things off with something uplifting. The Winter Olympics are underway and if there's one thing I love, it's those post victory interviews where medal winners from around the world just radiate pure, pure joy. I can't get enough of it.
- [38:48]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
Congratulations so much on Olympic bronze. How are you?
- [38:53]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
It's been the worst week of my life.
- [39:01]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Okay, little less joy than I expected. That was Norway's Sturla Holm La Garde who won bronze in the biathlon. But he got a bronze. I mean, I know it's not gold, but it's still bronze. So why is he so upset? Half a year ago I met the love of my life, the world's most beautiful, finest person.
- [39:26]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
And three months ago, I made my biggest mistake, which was cheating on her.
- [39:36]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Okay, not how I would have celebrated in a post game interview. I would have gone with a thank you mom and dad or a thank you God. But you know, instead you went with guess what, world? I can't keep it in my pants. Buddy, buddy, there are other ways of dealing with your guilt. How about, I don't know, flowers, an edible arrangement? Or burying the shame deep inside you and letting it fester until it explodes in a public meltdown in the freezer section of Trader Joe's. You know, I need a pizza for one because I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. And by the way, if I was listening closely, did I hear that right that you met her six months ago? I mean, you guys weren't even dating long enough to fart in front of each other. You were still in that honeymoon phase where you pretend you need something in the other room and go fart there. You know what? If repairing your six month situationship is that important, I guess it's fine to hijack the news cycle to talk about it. I'm sure your teammate who won the gold had nothing more important to draw attention to.
- [40:46]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
And it was an emotional win for Norway's Johan Ologbotten in the men's 20 kilometer individual biathlon. The Norwegian dedicated it to his late teammates who died unexpectedly in December.
- [40:59]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Oh, right, our dead teammates. I was between honoring him or talking about how much pussy I was getting. Dude, come on. You hijacked that to try to win back your fling. This is basically like if instead of interrupting Taylor Swift, Kanye had interrupted the In Memoriam segment. You know what? You know what? Love is a rocky road. And if this big display helped our boy get his girl back, it was all worth it.
- [41:33]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
Well, speaking to a Norwegian tabloid, the former girlfriend says it's hard to forgive what he did and that she did not appreciate him making their private issue so public.
- [41:44]
Guest or additional commentator (possibly a female or another male voice)
Ah.
- [41:47]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Shit. Well, you know what? Look at the bright side. You didn't get your girlfriend back. But. But every woman you date from now on knows you can't go three months without cheating. You know things aren't going well for you when even Lindsey Vonn is like, this guy's having a bad week. I mean, what a mess. This is why I'm always saying we need to keep men out of men's sports. You don't see the women's teams having this much drama.
- [42:18]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
In the women's 15K individual biathlon, the gold goes to Julia Simone of France.
- [42:24]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Last fall, she was found guilty by.
- [42:26]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
A French court of theft and credit.
- [42:28]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Card fraud and given a three month suspended prison sentence after stealing the credit.
- [42:32]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Card numbers of a teammate.
- [42:34]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
What? What, what? What is it about this sport where you voluntarily freeze your genitals off in spandex and shoot guns that attract so many lunatics and, you know, and to be fair to her, it's not right to steal. But what do you think skiing with a gun even pays these days? Nobody's hiring. She probably gets one or two contracts a year to kill James Bond, but that barely covers rent. You know, moving on to something else, going downhill, America. Today Congress heard testimony from Pam Bondi, Attorney General and woman who stresses everyone out at BO but it's not worth uninviting her because that'll become a whole thing. Congress had a lot of serious questions for her about Everything from ICE to Epstein. And I'm sure she handled them with the grace and maturity we have come to expect from the Trump administration.
- [43:34]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
Are you kidding? I'm going to answer the question the way I want to answer the question. I'm not going to get in the gutter for her theatrics. Can I finish, please? I'm not being rude.
- [43:42]
Ninjalux Cafe Announcer
Please.
- [43:43]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
She doesn't say how much money she took from reading Hoffman, did you? You don't tell me.
- [43:47]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Oh, I did tell you, because we.
- [43:48]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Saw what you did in the Senate. Not even a lawyer.
- [43:51]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
You're a failed politician. Hypocrite. Shame on you. You don't get to reclaim your time. Your time is up. This is so ridiculous.
- [44:00]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Wow. I mean, you could do something like that in Congress, but when I do it in a Chili's, I get banned. To be fair, though, you'd be in a bad mood, too, if you'd spent the last month redacting images of old man genitals from the Epstein files. Allegedly. Now, keep in mind, this is not how these hearings traditionally go. The Attorney General used to carry some level of seriousness and gravitas. It's only recently that they'd spend a congressional hearing acting like a bratty Sr. Who got called into the principal's office. Suck my principal, Gilbert. I already got to asu. You can eat it now. Look, look, her performance upset a lot of people because they were hoping for justice for Jeffrey Epstein's victims. But for Pam Bondi, there's only one victim in all of this.
- [44:53]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
Have you apologized to President Trump? Have you apologized to President Trump?
- [44:58]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
All of you.
- [44:59]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
I find it interesting that she keeps going after President Trump, the greatest president in American history. You sit here and you attack the president, and I am not going to have it. He is the most transparent president in the nation's history. Donald Trump. The Dow. The Dow right now is over. The dow is over $50,000. I don't know why you're laughing.
- [45:24]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Hold on. Oh, okay. Hold on, cub. You know, if you're gonna embarrass yourself on national television like that, at least win a bronze medal first.
- [45:38]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Have you?
- [45:38]
Ninjalux Cafe Announcer
No dig.
- [45:42]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
There is some good news for Donald Trump, and it comes right out of my own home state of Michigan, where the state motto is, welcome to Michigan. We're sorry about Kid Rock. For decades now, the only bridge between Canada and Detroit has been the Ambassador Bridge. But in Trump's first term, Canada started construction on the Gordie Howe Bridge. And Trump was so excited about it that he even got a little Poetic.
- [46:07]
Guest or additional commentator (possibly a female or another male voice)
America is deeply fortunate to have a neighbor like Canada. We have before us the opportunity to build even more bridges and bridges of cooperation and bridges of commerce.
- [46:21]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Wow. Wow. Remember when he used to pretend to try? At the time we were like, look at him phoning in diplomacy. Now we're, dear God, please phone in some diplomacy. Anyway, the point is the bridge is almost complete, which will soon open up a public crossing that will enrich both our nations. Trump must be so excited for this new era of U.S. canadian friendship. This morning, President Trump threatening to block the opening of a brand new bridge between Canada and the U.S. i will not allow this bridge to open until the United States is fully compensated for everything we have or friendship. After all, what has friendship ever done for Trump other than associate him with the world's largest sex trafficking ring? Still, still, Mr. President, this bridge is a win, win. Canada is paying for all of it and they're going to share ownership with Michigan. We get a, a public bridge instead of having to pay tolls to the billionaire owner of the Ambassador Bridge. Why would the President oppose that? The owner of the older Ambassador Bridge, Matthew Maroon, lobbied the Trump administration on the same day the President unleashed his tirade about the Gordie Howe span. Oh, I see you were for it. Then one of your donors called you and you immediately turned. I mean, say what you want about Trump, he is always transparent with his corruption. You never have to follow the money with him. You know, the money is like, I'm going to Donald Trump, I'll drop you a pin.
- [48:04]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
New Year, new me. Cute. But how about New Year, new money? With Experian, you can actually take control of your finances. Check your FICO score, find ways to save and get matched with credit card offers, giving you time to power through those New Year's goals. You know you're going to crush start the year off right. Download the Experian app Based on FICO Score 8 model offers an approval not guaranteed. Eligibility requirements and terms apply subject to credit check which may impact your credit scores. Offers not available in all states. See experian.com for details.
- [48:32]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Experian LifeLock. How can I help?
- [48:37]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
The IRS said I filed my return, but I haven't.
- [48:39]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
One in four tax paying Americans has paid the price of identity fraud.
- [48:43]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
What do I do?
- [48:44]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
My refund though.
- [48:45]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
I'm freaking out.
- [48:45]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Don't worry, I can fix this.
- [48:47]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
LifeLock fixes identity theft guaranteed and gets your money back with up to $3 million in coverage.
- [48:52]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
I'm so relieved.
- [48:53]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
No problem. I'll be with you every Step of the way.
- [48:56]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
One in four was a fraud paying American. Not anymore. Save up to 40% your first year. Visit lifelock.com podcast terms apply.
- [49:05]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
We are in the thick of awards season, which means only a few more weeks of pretending. I saw Hamnet, which I loved, obviously. All the ham and the nets. And when the ham went into the nets, you know, Masterfully done. Anyway, yesterday, another major award was presented. The Washington Coal Club presented the president.
- [49:27]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
With the inaugural undisputed Champion of Beautiful Clean Coal award. The trophy says, the undisputed champion of beautiful clean coal. Thank you so much.
- [49:41]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Oh. Incredible. Bravo. Oh, oh, don't, don't, don't. Don't be jealous. Don't dispute the undisputable. You all. Oh, no. Congratulations to Donald Trump on winning the inaugural award for undisputed Champion of beautiful clean coals. And so soon after winning the inaugural FIFA Peace prize. And if you're thinking this guy sure wins a lot of awards that were created just this year for him in particular, you're right. That's why tonight, we're proud to present President Trump with the inaugural award for winning the most inaugural awards. Congratulations to our one and only nominee. But back to the Cole Award. Mr. Trump, would you like to say a few garbled words?
- [50:41]
Guest or additional commentator (possibly a female or another male voice)
You've never had a better friend in the Oval Office than me, and I'm proud to officially name the undisputed. When did this come out? Mr. Speaker?
- [50:55]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Is it really undisputed? Seems like your brain is just disputing it as you speak. If this was a toddler saying their first words, I'd be actually very impressed. But for a President of the United States who's actively having an aneurysm, I'm also pretty impressed, which is why I'm presenting you with our inaugural Best Undisputed Award. Congratulations to President Trump. According, of course, like any award recipient, Trump made sure to thank the little people who did all the actual work.
- [51:36]
Guest or additional commentator (possibly a female or another male voice)
Our amazing coal miners. Thank you very much, fellas. That's great.
- [51:44]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You made them keep the hard hats on in the White House? You don't make NFL players wear their helmets when they visit. I mean, what. Why do these poor guys have to. Is this like a Disney World thing where they can't take off the costume in front of Trump because it'll ruin the magic for him? You know what? Sorry. Sorry, I interrupted you, Mr. President. Go ahead and show your appreciation for those coal miners in the most condescending way possible.
- [52:14]
Guest or additional commentator (possibly a female or another male voice)
And you wouldn't want to do anything else? You Wouldn't switch with a guy who had a beautiful penthouse apartment on Fifth Avenue. You wouldn't switch with that?
- [52:22]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Me? What the hell, man? Coal mining is their job. They're not gophers who have to keep digging to file down their nails so they don't grow inward. It's not like some biological necessity here. Although, that being said, a coal miner switching with a New York billionaire is my favorite Olsen twins movie.
- [52:43]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
So.
- [52:46]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
You know what? If this were just a silly little award to make the President special, boy, no one would give a shit. But unfortunately, unlike the FIFA Peace Prize, the President seems intent on actually earning this award. The President just signed a new executive.
- [53:02]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
Order for the Pentagon to buy electricity.
- [53:05]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
From US Coal powered plants. Oh, okay. You know what? I don't know what's worse. The fact that Trump is directing our military to prop up the dying coal industry or that Seal Team 6 will now have to travel on coal powered helicopters. You know, like Osama bin Lado. Just put up your hat. Just give me a Marco Polo.
- [53:29]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Marco.
- [53:31]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
You know what? You know what, Donald Trump, you may want to promote coal, but don't forget this country has something called an Environmental Protection Agency. And I think the EPA will have something to say about that.
- [53:44]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
So the President this afternoon just stripped the EPA of its most powerful tool to regulate air pollution and greenhouse gases.
- [53:51]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Goddammit. Where's Captain Planet when you need him? Okay. Yep. I'm being told Captain Planet was deported to South Sudan. Shit. Okay, right. All right, fine. So Trump is killing the EPA's ability to regulate all the worst sources of greenhouse gas emissions. Power plants, cars and trucks, Sean Penn, all of them. It's going to have a devastating impact on human health and the environment. Personally, I'm concerned about this.
- [54:23]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
What do you tell Americans who are concerned that the $1.3 trillion in savings does come at a cost to public health and the environment? Based on science.
- [54:32]
Guest or additional commentator (possibly a female or another male voice)
I tell them don't worry about it.
- [54:34]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Oh.
- [54:37]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Oh, thank God. Because this seems devastating. But if you can't trust the undisputed champion of beautiful clean coal, who can you trust? You know what, now that I think about it, are you saying don't worry about it, like it's going to be fine, or don't worry about it, like what a mobster says while he drives you to an empty field? I mean, Trump clearly doesn't understand the science behind this. Interior Secretary Doug Burgum. Can you ease my mind about all the carbon dioxide we're gonna be pumping into our already overheated atmosphere? But CO2 was never a pollutant. When we breathe, we emit CO2. Plants need CO2 to survive and grow. They thrive with more CO2. Oh, now I understand you're a idiot. Okay, okay, look, Nobody is saying CO2 shouldn't exist. The amount is the issue. We need water to live too. But the crew of the Titan Submersible is not living extra hard right now. Explore more shows from the Daily Show.
- [55:40]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Podcast universe by searching the Daily Show.
- [55:42]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the.
- [55:45]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount.
- [55:51]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
Plus.
- [55:55]
Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
This has been a Comedy Central podcast Monster Energy Everybody knows White Monster Zero Ultra. That's the og. It kicked off this whole zero sugar energy drink thing, but Ultra is a whole lineup now. You've got Strawberry Dreams, Blue Hawaiian Sunrise, and Vice Guava. And they all bring the Monster Energy punch. So if you've been living in the White can branch out. Ultra's got a flavor for every vibe, and every single one is Zero Sugar. Tap the banner to learn more.
- [56:29]
Guest or correspondent (possibly a female or male voice providing news or commentary)
This episode sponsored by Ridwell how many plastic bags are sitting under your sink because you don't know what to do with them? Ridwell makes it simple to recycle more from anywhere. With Ridwell, you can recycle plastic bags, snack wrappers, pill bottles, bottle caps, and more all items your curbside bin doesn't take. And unlike most recycling programs, Ridwell carefully tracks where your items go and reports back on what actually gets recycled. Getting started is easy. You order a starter kit, fill the bags with hard to recycle items, send them back for free, and Ridwell takes care of the rest. Start today@ridwell.com deciding where to grow or.
- [57:08]
Sponsor or advertisement voice
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Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
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Host 1 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
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Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
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Sponsor or advertisement voice
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- [57:29]
Host 2 (likely a male comedian or commentator)
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- [57:33]
Sponsor or advertisement voice
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