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The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's $5M Immigrant "Gold Card," Elon's First Cabinet Meeting, | Rosebud Baker
00:25:54
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- [00:01]
Desi Lydic
You're listening to Comedy Central from the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central. It's America's only source for news. This is the Daily show with your host, Desi Lytt. Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Jesse Lytich. We've got so much to talk about tonight. Donald Trump is releasing a new line of hats for your weird uncle to wear. America's cover charge is about to go up and Elon Musk does hand stuff, so let's get right into it.
- [00:59]
Jesse Lytich
I'm going to Karma.
- [01:03]
Desi Lydic
Today was a big day for Donald Trump. He had a meeting with every member of his cabinet and he even invited the President. By the way, thanks for dressing up, Elon. Don't let us keep you from a Blackjack tournament in 2006. But yes, Elon did have a seat at the table. Well, not an actual seat. He was more looming over it like an Ed Hardy Sith Lord. And some reporters wondered if that created tension with the actual cabinet members, given that he keeps trying to fire all of their staff.
- [01:37]
Elon Musk
President Trump put out a truth social.
- [01:40]
Desi Lydic
Today, saying that everybody in the Cabinet.
- [01:42]
Elon Musk
Was happy with you. I just wondered if that if you.
- [01:45]
Desi Lydic
Had heard otherwise and if you had heard anything about members of the Cabinet.
- [01:48]
Elon Musk
Who weren't happy with the way things were going.
- [01:51]
Jesse Lytich
To let the Cabinet speak just for a second. If you are, well, throw them out here.
- [02:02]
Desi Lydic
Is anybody unhappy? It's nice to know that someone gets a vote on whether Elon Musk should be running the country. It would have been awkward if someone started to raise their hand before everyone else started clapping me. Oh, no, I wasn't raising my hand. I was just about to do a Nazi salute. Phew. Good save. So everyone is proud of the job that Elon is doing. And Elon agrees.
- [02:35]
Elon Musk
And I should say also, we will make mistakes. We won't be perfect, but when we make mistakes, we'll fix it very quickly. So, for example, with usaid, one of the things we accidentally cancelled, very briefly was Ebola. Ebola prevention. I think we all want Ebola prevention, so we restored the Ebola prevention immediately.
- [02:58]
Desi Lydic
I'm sorry, you accidentally, very briefly, canceled what? I hate to be giving efficiency notes to the efficiency master, but perhaps, perhaps next time we keep Ebola prevention going the whole time. Is Elon really asking for credit for only canceling Ebola prevention? A little bit. It's like he dropped a baby and went, what? Look how fast I picked it up. Five second rule. I think we should be a little more careful, especially when we're already dealing with the measles outbreak. But don't worry, Elon is not in charge of that. RFK Jr. Is 124 people who have.
- [03:43]
Jesse Lytich
Contracted measles at this point. Mainly, we're told in the Mennonite community there are two people who have died. But watching it, so it's not unusual. We have measles outbreaks every year.
- [04:04]
Desi Lydic
Quick question. When you say we have measles outbreaks every year, are you talking about Americo or like, you right now, it sounds like you might take out that whole room and that would be terrible, I wanna say. But yes, RFK is overseeing the measles outbre and he has promised, promised that he will personally, if the hospital allows it, consume all of the corpses of those infected. So he's really seeing to it. And this cabinet meeting was kind of a waste of time. Okay, But Trump has been getting some stuff done. For example, yesterday he signed an executive order that forces hospitals to be transparent with their prices. And look, that seems like a good idea, and I am perfectly capable of admitting it. When Donald Trump did something good. When Donald Trump did something good. When Donald Trump did something good. I can't say it. I can't say it. Why is this so hard? Thank God those don't come along very often. Of course, because it's Donald Trump. Most people will never hear about this price transparency thing because at the same meeting, he seemed more interested in doing stuff like this.
- [05:31]
Jesse Lytich
Do you have one of those Trump was right about everything hats? Give me this. Here. Give me all of them. Look. See that? Trump was right about everything. Just came in. Somebody sent. I said, this was sent in by a fan. I said, I think we should make some of them right. But we were pretty much, you want one?
- [05:55]
Desi Lydic
Okay, first of all, that is way too much text, guys. If your hat needs a bookmark, it's not a good hat. And look, I. I hate to quibble with the hat, but Trump wasn't right about everything. Okay, There were a couple of small things. I don't know. Haitian immigrants weren't eating cats and dogs. There wasn't $50 million worth of condoms sent to Gaza. Belgium is not a City. The 2020 election wasn't stolen. China doesn't operate, the Panama Canal, nor. And the best taco bowls are not made at the Trump Tower Grill. But, yes, other than that, Trump was right about everything. Now, I'm not trying to be a hater, but if you're going to own a hat with a ridiculous lie on it, at least make it a fun Ridiculous lie. Which is why I'm selling these. Garfield, did 911 hats get yours today before he finishes the job? But obviously, Trump didn't bring everybody into the Oval Office just to sell hats. He was there to sell something much more fancy.
- [07:26]
Jesse Lytich
We're going to be selling a gold card. You have a green card. This is a gold card. We're going to be putting a price on that card of about $5 million. And that's going to give you green card privileges plus.
- [07:41]
Desi Lydic
Oh, oh, green card privileges plus. See, I was still getting America with ads. Quick question, quick question. If I'm unhappy with America, can I cancel my subscription after seven days? I am curious. What does this gold card do?
- [08:07]
Jesse Lytich
It's going to be a route to citizenship. And wealthy people will be coming into our country by buying this card. They'll be wealthy and they'll be successful and they'll be spending a lot of money.
- [08:20]
Desi Lydic
Did this guy just put a cover charge on America? It's $5 million to get in, but he'll waive it if you bring in three hot girls with. I mean, I guess it beats the old way of becoming a citizen, which was to marry Donald Trump, but still, I feel like immigrant stories are going to be a lot less inspiring in the future. My grandfather came to this country with nothing but $5 million and the clothes in his custom Louis Vuitton five piece trunk set. Although I have to admit, I don't totally hate the idea of buying your way into a. Hey, Canada, how you doing, girl? I'm just gonna come out and say it. I wanna be in you. And listen, I don't have $5 million, but I do have $4 and a cough drop and this orange hat. Let's talk now. You might be thinking, wait a second. If the US Is just going to put citizenship up for sale, doesn't that mean that any monster can buy one as long as they're rich? Well, according to Trump. Mm. Would a Russian oligarch be eligible for a gold card?
- [09:50]
Jesse Lytich
Yeah, possibly. Hey, I know some Russian oligarchs that are very nice people. It's possible.
- [09:58]
Desi Lydic
Seems like Trump watched Honora and his takeaway from that movie was, we need to do more to help out that rich Russian teenager. He's so good at sex. But if you're letting Russians come into the country, you gotta be careful. Okay, I don't want to engage in stereotypes, but if you let a Russian in, then there's gonna be a smaller Russian inside of him and then an even smaller Russian inside of him, and on and on and on. There's always another be care. Bottom line, I'm not sure I like the idea of a special card that gives rich people unique access to America. But if we were going in that direction, we have an idea for how to market it.
- [10:42]
Jean Lehman
For centuries, the world's poor and hungry have flocked to America's shores. And now you can jump that line. Introducing the trump gold card. $5 million, you get citizenship, plus exclusive access to Wyoming. You get to vote twice. And best of all, the Delta Sky Lounge. Off peak hours only. And for 10 million more, you get the Trump Platinum Card. Better than gold. You get two laws a year, a free continental breakfast, cottage cheese, three months of Apple TV plus and a gun.
- [11:14]
Desi Lydic
Bang bang.
- [11:15]
Jean Lehman
Want more? The Trump Black Card. That Platinum Card, you get your face on Mount Rushmore. Suck it, Lincoln. Your own star on the flag. And even better, the Delta Sky Lounge. He got his own. Had enough? You. Because here's the Trump Diamond Card. Uncut gems, VIP swim hours in the Gulf of America, A dozen eggs, box seats at the Kennedy center next to Lambert.
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Desi Lydic
Happy ending.
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Jean Lehman
The Diamond Card lets you deport anyone with a gold card. Should have paid more. And it works at Dave and Buster's Unlimited Schema. And don't forget the Delta Skyline. Still off peak.
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Elon Musk
They wouldn't budge.
- [11:49]
Jean Lehman
The Trump immigration card. Made in China.
- [11:55]
Desi Lydic
When we come back, we find out why Elon Musk moves like. Thank you.
- [12:13]
Jesse Lytich
Shop Super Start, Premium, Extreme or platinum batteries at O'Reilly Auto Parts and get up to a $15 gift card after rebate o reward. Members can also get a $5 reward with their battery purchase for power, performance, and reliability. Choose super start only at O'Reilly Auto Parts.
- [12:33]
Desi Lydic
Oh, oh, oh.
- [12:34]
Elon Musk
O'Reilly Auto Parts.
- [12:49]
Desi Lydic
Welcome back to the Daily Show. If there's one thing we've learned about Elon Musk, it's that he's a very graceful man who's comfortable in his own body. But how did he get that way? Well, good news. We found the man responsible.
- [13:03]
Elon Musk
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the.
- [13:06]
Desi Lydic
Stage, Mr. Elon Musk.
- [13:15]
Elon Musk
Double fist.
- [13:17]
Desi Lydic
Double fist.
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Elon Musk
And roar.
- [13:19]
Desi Lydic
Yes.
- [13:21]
Elon Musk
He nailed it. So proud. My name is. My name is Jean Lehman. I am Elon Musk's normal body movement choreographer. I am responsible for all the very normal movements you see Elon Musk making with his body on a daily basis. Elon is a wonderful pupil. He might not necessarily have the coordination of a great dancer or the talent or ability, general control over his limbs, but he does have the money. I would rate his dancing Somewhere between Stephen Hawking and Michael Jackson after he died. Luckily, I'm one of the great choreographers on this earth. One of my proudest routines is Elon's trademark X Leap. I worked for weeks trying to invent the right move. I was really struggling till I watched some children performing for Kim Jong Un. That's Ilon. Beautiful. Did you see it, Mother? He did look like a kangaroo with Lyme disease. Well, that was the point. You don't respect my craft. My first big gig was actually a stage production of High School Musical on Jeffrey Epstein's island. I've choreographed dances for some of the great super rich dancers of our time. Bill Gates, Steve Ballmer, Nyoyo Siwa. Three days before the inauguration, Elon told me he wanted to develop a signature move like Trump's Double Handy. He wanted to send his heart out to the crowd. He told me he wanted it to look like Adolf, referring, of course, to the 20th century Russian ballet dancer Adolf Bohm. So we worked and worked until eventually we landed on our final solution. Elon's about to send his heart out to the crowd. People are going to love it. Just watch. Here he goes. He just. Oh, no. That must have been a mistake. Surely he won't do it again. He did it again.
- [16:00]
Desi Lydic
Okay.
- [16:01]
Elon Musk
My heart goes out to you. No, of course. I didn't know he was gonna do that. He was supposed to send his heart out to the crowd. It was supposed to be like this. Obviously, that is not what we rehearsed. Please don't fire me, Shojo. Things have been hard since the incident. I lost my job, my house, and my scarf. But I did land a new job. I have been asked to be the singing coach for RFK Junior rfk. It's La la la. Not.
- [16:48]
Desi Lydic
When we come back, Rose Bud Baker will be joining me on this show, so don't go. Welcome back to the Daily Show. My guest tonight is a comedian, actor and Emmy award winning writer for snl. Her latest stand up special for Netflix is called the Mother Lode. Please welcome Rosebud Baker. Wow. Whoa.
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Rosebud Baker
Warm up guy does his job.
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Desi Lydic
Yeah, right. Vince isn't a fool. He knows exactly what he's doing.
- [17:54]
Rosebud Baker
Yeah.
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Desi Lydic
I am so happy to have you on. Congratulations on your special.
- [17:58]
Rosebud Baker
Thank you.
- [17:58]
Desi Lydic
I enjoyed it so much. I was so excited to have you on to talk about it. So you filmed half of this special when you were eight months pregnant?
- [18:05]
Rosebud Baker
Yes.
- [18:06]
Desi Lydic
And then half of the special after you had your baby A year after.
- [18:10]
Rosebud Baker
Yes.
- [18:11]
Desi Lydic
Right. So I guess my first question is, why not film for part of your set being actively in labor, I felt like it was missing something, you know.
- [18:22]
Rosebud Baker
I guess I left something on the table there. Yeah.
- [18:24]
Desi Lydic
So to speak.
- [18:26]
Rosebud Baker
So what I did. Yeah. No, I should have thought of that. I really should have.
- [18:30]
Desi Lydic
Well, you know, hindsight.
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Jesse Lytich
No.
- [18:32]
Rosebud Baker
Yeah. A lot of blood. So.
- [18:33]
Desi Lydic
Yeah, we saved the people.
- [18:35]
Rosebud Baker
Kind of pulls focus.
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Desi Lydic
Totally. Plus, you don't want the baby to upstage you.
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Rosebud Baker
Right. Yeah. What's important is that the spotlight stays on me.
- [18:43]
Desi Lydic
That's exactly right. I couldn't agree more. Yeah, it's so good. What was behind that decision? To want to show that part of your journey, like those playing with the dichotomy of those two.
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Rosebud Baker
Yeah. I just. I wasn't sure I was someone who wasn't sure if I wanted kids or not. And I kind of tortured myself with the decision. And I also wasn't sure that I had an hour that I could confidently put out. So it was, you know, necessity is the mother of invention type of a situation. But also I just. When I watch it now, I think of like my child free self and how I wish that I had something like that to watch so that I didn't have to torture myself. Something that was like, really, really honest about what it took to. To get pregnant, even. Cause, you know, they tell you just like, if you're not double condom, you know, everything, your life is over and it's. You can get pregnant, like one day a month, you know.
- [19:43]
Desi Lydic
Right. Yeah.
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Rosebud Baker
Like upside down.
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Desi Lydic
Which is how you did it.
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Rosebud Baker
Yeah. Which is how I prefer to do it.
- [19:53]
Desi Lydic
That's the only way you talk about your struggle. You labored over the decision of whether to have a child or not. Do you now you have a. Like my pun. And now you have a one and a half year old daughter.
- [20:09]
Rosebud Baker
Mm.
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Desi Lydic
Do you deeply regret it?
- [20:15]
Rosebud Baker
How long do things stay on the Internet?
- [20:18]
Desi Lydic
Oh, no one will catch it.
- [20:19]
Rosebud Baker
No. Then, no. No, I don't regret it. I mean, listen, every day it's like, I've definitely changed. You know, I was a huge bitch before and now it's worse.
- [20:30]
Desi Lydic
Yeah. I was gonn.
- [20:31]
Rosebud Baker
So I can say that.
- [20:32]
Desi Lydic
Yeah.
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Rosebud Baker
You know, but no, I don't regret it. I don't.
- [20:36]
Desi Lydic
I really wish that I had your special to watch when I was pregnant because I think so many women think like, oh my God, am I even gonna be myself anymore? Am I gonna change? Am I gonna. And it was really cool to see you on the other side of it, you know, just brilliantly doing your thing. The thing that stood out the most for me, because I was looking to see your perspective change between pre baby and post baby. And you could see that you definitely see things with a different lens.
- [21:06]
Rosebud Baker
Yeah.
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Desi Lydic
But what was so awesome was that before you had the baby, you're this brilliant comedian who's a great storyteller with impeccable timing. And after the baby, you're a brilliant comedian who's a great storyteller with impeccable timing. And to see that visual representation, it dispels the bullshit myth of, like, women lose their edge when they become mothers. Well, watch this special.
- [21:35]
Rosebud Baker
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [21:37]
Desi Lydic
That's really cool.
- [21:41]
Rosebud Baker
I honestly, I think that the whole notion that women, like, are soft or that they're not, that they're not on their game. I don't think motherhood does that to women. I think bad husbands do that to women. Yeah, I think.
- [21:56]
Desi Lydic
I agree.
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Rosebud Baker
I think bad husbands are the.
- [22:01]
Desi Lydic
Your husband is a good husband. Yes. And is also a stand up comedian.
- [22:06]
Rosebud Baker
And still an idiot. And he's the best.
- [22:10]
Desi Lydic
Yeah, yeah, but he's a good idiot.
- [22:11]
Rosebud Baker
He's a good idiot.
- [22:13]
Desi Lydic
So he's a comedian. You're a comedian. Are you concerned that your daughter's at high risk for becoming a comedian?
- [22:20]
Rosebud Baker
Yeah. So my husband and I are both recovering alcoholics. I'm add. He's depressed. I think comedy's, like, the least of her worries.
- [22:29]
Desi Lydic
She's good.
- [22:30]
Rosebud Baker
Yeah. It pains me to say this, but it might be the best case scenario.
- [22:36]
Desi Lydic
Well, if that's the case, then she's got a great role model to look up to. That's true.
- [22:39]
Jean Lehman
Thank you.
- [22:43]
Desi Lydic
One of the things that stands out so much about your comedy is that you just get right to the bone. Like, you are not afraid to talk about things that some might find hard to mine comedy from. You're very honest. You're very raw. You talk openly, like in the clip about experiencing miscarriage.
- [23:00]
Rosebud Baker
You.
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Desi Lydic
You talk about loss. You talk about grief, postpartum. Is that something that. Is it helpful to process all of that stuff through comedy?
- [23:11]
Rosebud Baker
No. Therapy's helpful. It's like, you know, what's better than laughter is medicine.
- [23:22]
Desi Lydic
Yes. Yeah.
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Rosebud Baker
You know, I mean, I feel like Pat Jackson was goofy, but he still gave those kids chemo.
- [23:31]
Desi Lydic
Yeah. If only we could make. We could replace RFK Jr. With Patch Adams.
- [23:39]
Rosebud Baker
Yes.
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Desi Lydic
We could just do a little.
- [23:42]
Rosebud Baker
Little switcheroo.
- [23:43]
Desi Lydic
Switcheroo. Yeah. We'd be set. Right.
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Rosebud Baker
Wouldn't that be amazing?
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Desi Lydic
Oh, my God. You're incredibly busy as is. You're also an Emmy winning writer on snl. You. You write on Weekend Update. So you're in the trenches.
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Rosebud Baker
Yeah.
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Desi Lydic
Do you find it incredibly challenging to stay on top of just the pace of the news all the time? Like, how do you cope? I'm asking for a friend.
- [24:19]
Rosebud Baker
Yeah. Well, it's helpful that they pay me.
- [24:23]
Desi Lydic
That does come in here.
- [24:24]
Rosebud Baker
But I will say that this is a good tip. Just, like, focusing on yourself, you know, like, breathing. Like, when I go into work, I'll just take, like, a deep breath, I'll center myself, and then I'll, like. I'll just kick one pigeon as far as I can.
- [24:40]
Desi Lydic
Yes, I like that.
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Rosebud Baker
Kick.
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Desi Lydic
Kick a pigeon. Pigeon.
- [24:44]
Rosebud Baker
Yeah.
- [24:45]
Desi Lydic
Well. And with bird flu going around, I'm just. They kind of have it coming.
- [24:48]
Rosebud Baker
You're saving lives.
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Desi Lydic
They have it coming.
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Elon Musk
Yeah.
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Desi Lydic
Yeah. My God, thank you for that. Well, you can see Rosebud kicking pigeons around New York City, but you can also see her special, the Motherlode. It's streaming now on Netflix. Rosebud Baker, everybody. We're gonna take a picture, and we'll be right back after this. You are so funny. That's our show for tonight, but before we go, please consider donating to. I support the girls. They're an organization dedicated to providing essential items like bras and menstrual hygiene products for girls and women experiencing homelessness. If you can, please donate at the link below. Now, here it is. Your moment of Zen.
- [25:43]
Jesse Lytich
You want one?
- [25:44]
Elon Musk
I'll pass it.
- [25:45]
Jesse Lytich
Are you allowed to take one? Because he'll consider it. I know him well. He's sort of a stick. Brian, you're not a stiff. He's sort of a stiff guy. He'll take other things, but not a free hand. Always say yes to the president. Always say yes to the president. Would anybody like one?
- [26:01]
Desi Lydic
Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the.
- [26:08]
Jesse Lytich
Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime.
- [26:14]
Desi Lydic
On Paramount plus Paramount podcasts.