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Hannah
The following program contains names, places and events that have been anonymized or fictionalized for the purposes of protection and safety. The following program is provided for entertainment purposes only, and any commentary from the hosts are strictly conjecture and should not be held as making any definitive statements about the truth or identity of any particular individuals or circumstances. If you or a loved one are involved in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for support. Hello. Welcome to the Dating Detectives. We have something a little different today. I'm Hannah. I'm here every week. We have a guest host today. Molly, our producer.
Molly
Hi.
Hannah
MacKenzie's on vacation or on a work trip, and Molly and I are in the studio in Los Angeles together. Molly, you created this year's show, so if somebody doesn't know you, they will now, and they should.
Molly
Yes. Hi, my name's Molly. I'm the producer. I don't know. That's me.
Hannah
Really quick. I mean, we'll get to the story very soon, but what does that mean? What does a podcast producer do?
Molly
I created the show. I thought of it in my little brain.
Hannah
Okay. Yes, that's.
Molly
I casted Hannah and MacKenzie, and now I do all of the pre production. I read through your emails, then I call you and we talk about your stories. I do the. There's more pre production.
Andrea Merriman
There.
Hannah
There's a lot.
Molly
There's a lot. And then I do the editing and then I post it and you're making it.
Hannah
Yeah. It's a lot of work and we appreciate everything you do. And a lot of it is, like, techy.
Molly
You're like, it's my full time job now, and I have the. It's the best job in the world. I feel so lucky every day that this is my job.
Hannah
So I feel similarly that this is like something we get to make money doing, talking to each other.
Molly
Yeah, it's kind of crazy. It's kind of crazy. Speaking of which, join the Patreon.
Hannah
Hell, yeah.
Molly
If you are like, why has nobody answered my email? That's because we need more money to hire somebody else. How can we get more money to hire somebody else? You can join the Patreon.
Hannah
It really is a big help. And it's also, like, amazing. Like, I love everybody that's in the Patreon.
Molly
Yeah. It's also like, it's not just like, you're donating to us. You get two bonus episodes a month. You get book club, where we read a book and we talk about it with each other. You get the group chat where everyone's chatting all the time and talking about their life. Someone just the other day sent their like a screenshot of how long they've been sober for. And everyone was like, oh my gosh. I know.
Hannah
That was amazing.
Molly
So it really, I know we say community all the time, but we're not bullshitting you. It really is a community. But even if you don't want the community aspect of it. Two episodes a month. Two extra episodes a month for just five bucks. I mean, it's a coffee or $9.
Hannah
If you want an ad. Free listening experience.
Molly
Or you hate the ads if you comment. I hate the ads. There are too many ads. I'm going to block you. Whoa. Because you can join the Patreon for $9 a month or you can listen to the ads. But we got to make money some way if you want the show to.
Hannah
Keep happening that you're here. Because there are a lot of times where we're recording and I'm like, I'm going to be sweet. I'm not going to say anything. And Molly, who is in charge comes on is like, I'll block everyone.
Molly
I'll block all of you. I will block every last one of you. No, we love you guys. But seriously, like, this is how I this, I work more than 40 hours a week on this show. If I had to have another job, the show would not exist and I have to pay rent. And it's either ads or it's Patreon. Pick your poison.
Hannah
But thank you for supporting us and being here because the most important thing is like how these stories get a platform. I do want to also plug one more plug self defense. Guys, guys. We've had a self defense workshop in LA for two months in a row and a lot of you have come, which has been really cool. And the next one is soon. It's Saturday, June 21. It's in West Hollywood. And if you want to sign up, I'll put it on Patreon. I'll put it everywhere. But you can also just find it on don't get Killed club. That's what I called it. Don'tgetkilledclub.com because all we want to do is just like protect ourselves and not get killed. We're not learning how to be black belts. We're just learning how to like protect ourselves and the people around us. And everybody who comes gets self defense products from cool brands like Nightcap. And we gave out blingsting a little bit ago and I'm connecting with more as we go. But anyway, I just want to remind people because this one doesn't have as many people signed up, and I really want everyone to come.
Molly
Yeah.
Hannah
It's so good.
Molly
Yeah, it's amazing and it's so fun. And you'll hang out with Hannah and me and it'll be a party.
Hannah
Yeah, it'll be a party. So sign up.
Molly
The other thing I want to say before we get into the episode is that we tried something new last week. We had a guest PI on. Some of you loved it and some of you hated it.
Hannah
I hated that.
Molly
And that is okay. Thank you for sharing your opinions because it was kind of like a beta test. And I think that most of you hated not him coming on to tell the story, but the amount of time we took to do, like a Q and A with him. We have our own curiosities. But, you know, we hear you that that's not what you're here for. You're here for the story.
Hannah
You want to. You want the tea.
Molly
So next time we do that, we're gonna get straight to the tea. We're not gonna do a Q and A because, you know, unless you want that.
Hannah
Well, I feel like there's ways to do it. We do our debrief at the end, which is like, for some of you, you're like, okay, I'm out. And for some of you, you wanna get in into it. Or like, that's where Patreon. Sometimes we go deeper into these stories.
Molly
So you know what? Maybe what we'll do is when you're listening to this episode, if you're listening to this episode, on Monday, we will have a story on the Dating Detectives Instagram with a poll to tell us if you want us to keep the Q and A with PIs or get rid of the Q and A with PIs. So head to our Instagram, make your voices heard. And we will continue having other PIs on the show to share their PI stories, but we will modify it in some way for the people that hated the Q and A portion. We'll move it around. We'll move it to the Patreon. We'll do something. But, you know, DM us. Vote on the poll, let us know what you think, and we'll figure that out. But thank you guys for telling us how you feel about that little beta test, because it helps us make the content that you want to hear. So we appreciate it.
Hannah
Yeah. And also, if you're sitting here right now, like, okay, get to the Story.
Molly
Here we go. We get it.
Hannah
It's a business. We got to do it and we understand.
Molly
We get it.
Hannah
Okay, well, that makes sense.
Molly
We're going to get into today's episode. It is a crazy story.
Hannah
Andrea, your new favorite person.
Molly
Yes. Your new favorite. Yeah. She's an icon. She's a baddie. You're gonna fall in love with her like we did. This is a two part episode. Yes.
Hannah
And there's some financial abuse as a thing to be aware of.
Molly
Financial abuse.
Hannah
And I don't think we need to tell them more. I think we should get into it.
Molly
Yeah, let's get into it. I'm so excited to hear your story. We always say that that's the wrong word. We're not excited, but we are eager to hear your story. So why don't you start us off?
Hannah
Hi, Andrea.
Andrea Merriman
Hi. Hello.
Hannah
Thank you so much for being here. You look great.
Andrea Merriman
Thanks for having me.
Hannah
And thank you, Molly, for being here as well.
Molly
Thank you. I'm so excited to hear your story.
Andrea Merriman
Well, I am Andrea Merriman. I grew up in Colorado. I am the oldest of five kids, had great parents. All the kids in my family were adopted, which is an interesting story in itself. Very diverse backgrounds. And we were members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. So when it came time to go to college, of course my dad was really encouraging me to go to Brigham Young University. He originally was hoping that I might go to Juilliard and be a concert pianist. But I did not want to do that in high school. I had taken lessons and it wasn't my greatest passion. I said, dad, you're going to make me hate piano if you make me do this professionally. So he was a good dad and said, all right, what do you want to do? And so we brainstormed. He was an orthodontist. He really wanted me then to take over his practice. So to go to ortho school or maybe law school. And I hated touching people's mouths. I worked in this office, so law school was my dream. So I went to Brigham Young University majoring in English pre law. And after three years at byu, I met the man that I would eventually marry. He was also a student at byu and we lived in the same housing complex for BYU students. So while we were living in this apartment complex in Provo, Utah, I had a part time job in the office. So students would come in and pay their rent while I was working. And the first time I actually met him in person, he came in to pay his rent and I took his rent and that was my first introduction to him. I thought he was a nice person, but I wasn't interested in him romantically. He was quite different than the usual guy that I dated, but he seemed very nice.
Hannah
How so? What was your impression? This is what you like.
Andrea Merriman
I liked tall athletes. I didn't even care pretty much about anything else but that. And he was short. He was not athletic. He had glasses and had a studious look. Okay, his hair was thinning. But he was very friendly and everybody in the apartment complex liked him. He was very well known and very well liked. Everybody thought he was a great guy.
Hannah
He had charisma.
Molly
Yes.
Hannah
Riz.
Molly
Yes.
Hannah
Aura. I don't know what the kids say.
Andrea Merriman
Foreign.
Hannah
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Molly
So you didn't like him at first, but how did he. How did he kind of win you over?
Andrea Merriman
Yeah, so it was actually probably my fault. He came in every month to pay his rent, and he would make a casual offhand comment like, oh, we should go and get pie sometime, which I thought was kind of weird. No one I knew went out for pie. I don't even like pie, but. But I must have been feeling spicy one day, or I was in a grumpy mood. I don't know. But when he said it, I replied, after several months of that, you know, you probably should stop making offers that you don't follow through on.
Hannah
Oh, okay.
Andrea Merriman
After that, he asked me out, so I blame myself.
Hannah
I mean, it's a pretty good flirt.
Molly
It is. It is.
Andrea Merriman
So he started asking me out. Our first date. I can't remember where we went, but I remember driving in his car with him afterward thinking, I don't think I'm really into this guy. I don't think I want to date him again. If this is truly how he is. It was our first date. He'd done a lot of talking about himself, about his opinions on things, about how he thought the world should be. And I wasn't overly impressed. So I thought, if this is really how he is and he's not just trying to impress me, I don't think I'm interested. But he asked me out again, took me on dates to the symphony, to the nicest restaurants in Utah, took me to restaurants that had live music.
Hannah
Who was paying for these dates? Because I don't know about you. He was. When I was 18, I didn't have music.
Molly
Where was the money coming from exactly?
Andrea Merriman
He had it. So he had a reputation of being wealthy, a wealthy college student. So I just figured that's where the money was coming from. He somehow had money. He would bring me flowers when he picked me up on the date, he gave me jewelry. He celebrated every little thing in every possible way. I remember once he came to get me on a date. I was running late. I was in a black dress. I wanted to wear pearls with it. And I went to my roommate and said, hey, can I borrow your pearl necklace? And she gave it to me. I wore it, didn't think anything of it. And the next time he came to pick me up, he had a velvet jewelry box and flipped it open and said, anyone as beautiful as you should not have to Borrow pearls. So he just love bomb?
Hannah
Maybe. I don't want to assume.
Andrea Merriman
Yes. So now that I'm older and wiser, with 30 plus years of learning and experience, I look back at that and I was totally love bombed. I just didn't know love bombing was a thing.
Hannah
You don't. Can I ask, like, previously, had you dated much? Or like, I assume this is the first time someone is treating you like this and is that part of why I think you kept going on dates?
Andrea Merriman
Yes, I think so. I had dated a ton of guys, but they were just normal guys. Average college students or athletes. Yeah.
Hannah
Do you wanna, I don't know, like, pizza or something? Do you wanna watch me play video games? Yeah, that's a date.
Andrea Merriman
And in fact, at the time I was dating him, I was dating several other guys, too. So his confidence, though, he was very suave. He was very confident. And he had an image with everybody in our apartment complex, including the leaders of our student church congregation, as being an honest, devout, faithful, good guy again, successful, wealthy, nice, charming. So it wasn't just me that fell for this Persona that he had. Everybody believed it. So we started dating in January of 1989 and eventually were engaged in May of 1989 and married in August.
Hannah
I wouldn't say that eventually. Eventually I would say that, yeah.
Andrea Merriman
A whirlwind. It was a whirlwind courtship that I would say it did not feel like destiny. It felt more like an ocean wave. Like I was just getting pushed and pushed and pushed. But I was young. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Which I've also learned is part of love bombing. The person makes the other person feel responsible for them or feel bad for them or feel like, how do you not like me?
Molly
I bought you pearls.
Hannah
Yes.
Molly
Yeah.
Andrea Merriman
So I was feeling some of that too. I just didn't realize that's what it was. So it was a whirlwind courtship. And he eventually, after three months or whatever, proposed beaches were my favorite place. So he proposed to me on a beach in Northern California in Mendocino. Got down on one knee, just like in the movies, said all the right things and flipped open a ring box that had the biggest ring I had seen as a college student.
Molly
Yeah.
Hannah
Like, that helps me make the decision.
Molly
Yeah.
Hannah
And this is common at byu. Like, ring by spring is the kind of thing we've heard people talk about. I don't know a ton. But I know that. I imagine you're not the only one getting engaged that quickly.
Andrea Merriman
Oh, no.
Molly
Yeah.
Andrea Merriman
Many, many People were, yeah. End of the semesters, so Christmas time or spring before school starts again.
Molly
Do you remember feeling when he proposed, like butterflies or romance or anything? Or did you just feel like, this is the path I'm on. I'm just going to keep going?
Andrea Merriman
It was a very romantic setting, romantic moment. But we had never discussed marriage. And I was very caught off guard. I felt worried and stressed. I felt like I was too young. I felt like it was too fast. There were still things that I wanted to do in life. And so I remember I didn't actually say yes.
Molly
Good for you.
Andrea Merriman
So I said, I think that I need to think about it. He said, okay, so. So you're saying yes, pending verification. And he put the ring on my hand, and that was that. We went to dinner at a fancy restaurant. He was thrilled, saying that was the best meal of his life. And I couldn't even eat. I was so sick.
Molly
Wow.
Hannah
He was like, there's no way she won't say yes.
Molly
Yeah. Yeah.
Andrea Merriman
And, you know, part. It was fast. I was love bombed, all of that. But I think one thing that really had an impact in my life and my decision was the fact that about two to three years before he proposed to me, my dad had passed away unexpectedly in a plane crash. So I was kind of alone and without a dad. And I think that impacted the choices that I made. The fact that I even dated him. I think if my dad were alive, I wouldn't have dated him. But my world kind of changed.
Molly
You're, like, looking for family.
Andrea Merriman
I was. And I was trying to not be shallow. I was trying to give everybody a chance and look for the good and not. Not be shallow and marry someone because they're tall or not marry someone because they're short. Oh, no.
Hannah
That makes so much sense. It's so easy to confuse your apprehension with, like, oh, well, I'm just being judgy.
Molly
Yes.
Hannah
Like you don't feel it.
Molly
I also feel like that moment after he proposed and you not being able to eat at dinner, it reminded me of my best friend who's the reason why we started this podcast because she got dogfished. And right after he asked her to be his girlfriend, she said yes. And then she texted me she was staying over at his house and said, I can't sleep. I'm so anxious. I don't know why. I feel like I should be happy, but I just can't. Something in her body was telling her to be anxious.
Hannah
It's like a physical. Your body knows before you do.
Molly
Yes. And I think that's. I just want to point it out because that's something that we should listen to if we feel anxious in those moments of decision. It should feel right. It shouldn't feel like anxiety.
Andrea Merriman
Yes. And it's hard when you haven't made a decision of that magnitude before to recognize it. And I was young.
Hannah
I love that this podcast is sponsored by Pearage because it's a great app for couples. Let me tell you what my boyfriend and I had to answer on Paired recently. This is a question that I think seems like not a serious big deal question, but it could be a conversation that turns into a bigger fight. The question that it gave us and this app gives you and your partner a question. You answer it without seeing their answer, and then it shows you both of your answers. The question was, when you watch TV or a movie together, do you enjoy talking about it throughout the show or do you find the interruptions annoying? Now, if you're a TV talker like I am, that doesn't bother you so much. But some people maybe would want to break up over that or maybe just get really annoyed but not know how to say it. And then it builds up and then it's a whole thing. You know, the point is, Paired brought up this little thing that we don't really talk about. And I think it does that for a lot of couples. It's just this really great app you pair together with your partner. And then every day it gives you more than just questions, quizzes, games, anything to just stay connected and deepen your conversations. And it's a safe space to be open and honest about things that you might not even think to talk about. It's also creating a daily connection time. Like, that's a hard thing to do, especially if some of you have kids. Like, I don't know how you do it. Helps you learn to communicate, bring up difficult topics, finances, maybe starting a family. And also you could just learn new fun things about each other because sometimes the questions are really, really cute. Like, post a picture of a time that you felt cute aggression and we just posted pictures of each other that we thought were cute. Whether you're just a few dates in or you have been together a long time, find the time to connect with your partner and nourish your relationship. Start strengthening your relationship in an easy, fun way. And it only takes five minutes a day or even less. Head to paired.comdatingdetives to get a seven day free trial and 25% off if you sign up for a subscript. Just head to P-A-I-R-E-D.com datingdetectives to sign up today.
Andrea Merriman
The interesting thing is when we got back and I thought about it and I tried to be smart about it, Made my list of pros and cons and all of that, I talked to a lot of people trying to be smart about this decision, because I felt I was young, and I felt it was happening fast. And so I would say, if you had to do it all over again, what three qualities would you look for in the man that you married? And he was the one that they all said, you know, the people at work, the friends, the church leaders, everybody really was encouraging this particular relationship. But when I made my decision and I went to my roommates and said, hey, guess what? I'm engaged. They all looked at me in shock, and they said, to who?
Hannah
Oh, my goodness.
Andrea Merriman
I told you. I'd been dating several people, and I was kind of keeping everything on the lowdown. So when they said that, I thought for sure it would be obvious to them. So I said, well, who do you think I'm engaged to? He was the fifth.
Molly
Wow.
Hannah
Okay, first of all, did it go.
Molly
I know I don't love you. I love you for that. The bench is full.
Hannah
I feel like it's different. I don't know. People obviously date multiple people, but there's a lot more emphasis on defining the relationship conversation and being exclusive. And it feels like for a while, you didn't have.
Molly
It feels like BYU had its own culture, and I'm sure it's even different now than it was then. I'd be curious to hear from current BYU students of, like, how normal this relationship is to them.
Hannah
Has told me. She was like, yeah. I mean, I was dating until I was engaged. She's like, yeah, I wasn't.
Molly
There's so interesting.
Hannah
That's just not how it is.
Andrea Merriman
I was raised. Yeah, I was raised. You date as many people as you want until you're engaged, and then you're exclusive. And I don't believe BYU is that way now. Back in the 80s, when I was there, that's how it was. But now I think they're much more into defining the relationship and being exclusive and all of that.
Molly
But now there's like, 17 steps.
Andrea Merriman
It's like, yes, we're in the talking stage.
Molly
We're exclusive, and then we're in a relationship. So now you're engaged, and your friends.
Hannah
Are like, oh, that. That's the one.
Molly
Once you made the decision, did you feel confident in that?
Andrea Merriman
No, I would say my engagement was kind of a roller coaster. Very up and down. In fact, he joked to me that until we were actually in the ceremony getting married, he's like, I didn't know if you were gonna say yes or not. Like, he knew this was a struggle for me. There were still things that I wanted to do when I felt young and I felt it had happened fast. So all of a sudden, I'm engaged. And when we called to tell his parents, his mom basically said she already had her summer planned, but if we got married on August 5, she would attend, but any other day she wouldn't be able to make. So. So my future mother in law actually chose my wedding date. Oh, my gosh. And I was hoping to maybe get married in December.
Molly
Yeah. Give us some shore time.
Hannah
She's like, I'm booked.
Andrea Merriman
Yeah. So I had two months to plan a wedding, and it was simple. I did not meet his family until the day before the wedding, which should have been another red flag for me.
Molly
But I do just feel like you were so young, and once you get on that path. Path. It's so hard to stop. You have to be so confident in yourself to say, oh, I'm calling off a wedding. And to be so young. I don't know anyone at. How old were you? 19? 20?
Andrea Merriman
No, no, I was just turning 22.
Molly
22.
Andrea Merriman
Still way young.
Molly
I don't know anyone that's 22 that would have the confidence to call off a wedding. No.
Hannah
Especially if you're putting money into it.
Molly
Yeah, exactly.
Andrea Merriman
Yes. So the day before the wedding happened and I met his family, I was a little uncomfortable. They were different from any parents that I'd never I'd ever met. And I don't know if it was maybe the difference in family culture or faith or educational background. I don't know what the difference was, but they were different. I was young, I was a little uncomfortable. And he said, don't worry, my family will never impact us. And I.
Molly
Were they wealthy?
Andrea Merriman
No, I don't think they were. So.
Hannah
Really?
Molly
So then did you start to be like, where is this man?
Hannah
Didn't you say you drove a BMW? Like, where did all of that come from?
Andrea Merriman
He had a wealthy grandma, so I guess I just assumed that she might have been helping him. I mean, they weren't at this stage in their career. I think they were okay, you know, comfortable.
Hannah
But also at 22, I wouldn't ask that. Like, I wouldn't think to. I would be like, oh, my God, I can't ask him, like, how he's paying for things. Like, it's embarrassed. Like, I don't want to be rude.
Andrea Merriman
I didn't. The only thing I did ask, though, was I still needed to finish school. And I knew that once I became married, I would be responsible for my expenses and education. I had been paying the bulk of it anyway after my dad passed away, but I was worried about that.
Hannah
What about law school?
Andrea Merriman
I know. So I was gonna have to pay for it. So the one question I did ask when he proposed was, I have to finish school, and I don't have a way to do this on my own. And he said, no worries. I've got $17,500 in the bank. I can cover your tuition and. And I can cover our expenses while you finish school. He had already finished school. So we get married, and things are different than they were portrayed to me to be before I got married. For example, we got married in August. Later that month, my tuition's due. And I went to him and said, hey, I've got tuition due. Can I have the tuition? And he said he didn't have it. And I was like, what do you mean? Where's the $17,500? In the bank? He said, it's not in the bank. See all the stereo equipment? That's my savings. I said, what? He said, there's no difference in that and money in the bank. I said, oh, well, there is, because.
Molly
We can't pay my tuition with stereo equipment.
Andrea Merriman
You said, yeah. He said, no, I can always sell that.
Hannah
Okay, well, sell it then.
Molly
Yeah, let's go.
Andrea Merriman
So. So I said, you lied to me. He said, I didn't lie to you. There's no difference. I said, yes, you did. That is not money in the bank. You lied to me. And he said, no, I'm just putting it in terms you can understand. I'm interpreting it for you. Which I thought was bizarre and weird. I told him that, but Again, he was 26. I was 22. I had been love bombed, I think, and by then.
Molly
And now you're married, so you're kind of stuck, Right?
Hannah
I don't want that. Yeah. I want to believe him.
Andrea Merriman
Yeah. So, I mean, I was just raised that you marry and you choose your love and love your choice.
Molly
Yeah.
Andrea Merriman
So once I was married, I kind of felt like I was there, and I better figure out how to make it work.
Molly
What was that like for you to. You just got married and then you find out that he lied to you about this, and you're in. You're in this marriage. How do you deal with that in.
Andrea Merriman
Your mind that it was tough? I had a very hard time adjusting to marriage. For example, I found out after we were married that he actually hated beaches, despite taking me to a beach and proposing to me on a beach and knowing that I loved the beach. I found out that he hated dancing despite knowing I love dancing and he'd taken me dancing. Beaches ended for me when I married him. Dancing ended for me when I married him. A big part of why I had agreed to marry him was I thought he was a good man and a man that shared my same faith, which was important to me. And suddenly his church attendance was dropping off and quit paying tithing as soon as we got married, which is a big deal in our church. Church members pay 10% of their income to the church, and it goes to building church buildings and humanitarian efforts around the world and funding all kinds of projects. He just stopped. And I wrote in my journal that I had gone and opened up my own savings account and started putting my little meager paychecks in there and paying our tithing out of that because he wouldn't pay his tithing anymore. So everywhere I turned, I was seeing that I hadn't gotten what I thought I was getting. I'm like, wait, this isn't what I based my decision on. Now, the older me, the experience me now would have gotten the heck out of there. But where I was at and the way I understood the expectation from how I was raised was that you stayed.
Hannah
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Andrea Merriman
But I just was like, do you get divorced because someone won't go to church? Like is that I would have felt like a bad judgmental person or something.
Molly
Yeah, we see this all the time. People need a reason. And even like, I mean this is a more extreme example, but people will even be like, he pushed me, but he didn't hit me. And it wasn't until he hit me that I felt like I had a reason. And I don't know, like, you don't need a reason to leave.
Andrea Merriman
No, no, I. That's what I have learned now. But the young inexperienced me had a whole different view on that. And really as I looked at it all, it was one seemingly very small little thing. But as I look back, there were a ton of small little things that add up to big things. I just couldn't see it. I just kept trying to look for the good, make things work. I remember we got married and I was trying to rush and finish school in my last two semesters. So I was taking 20 credit hours, which is a lot. 16 is full time. I was doing an internship for 20 hours a week. I was a teaching assistant for 10 hours a week, working my tail off. He was done with school and not even working. And I remember coming home, you know, within the first month of getting married and he was mad at me because the laundry wasn't done or the dinner wasn't cooked and I was doing, cleaning the apartment, cooking the dinner, doing all of the other stuff while he wasn't doing anything. And I did it cause I was young, I was the peacemaker. I was trying to look. Yes. And I think that's partly the result of love bombing. I also think now, knowing what I know, a big red flag is that if it's early in your marriage and everything is different than what you thought when you were dating, you know, big red flag. The fact that I lived the first four or five years of my marriage telling myself, I can always walk away from this until I have kids also should be a red flag who goes into marriage with that idea. But I will say that over time in the marriage, things got a little better. It kind of became a dream. There was prosperity, there was fun.
Hannah
Did he start working?
Andrea Merriman
Yes, he got a job. We graduated. We moved to Denver initially, when we got married, wanted to go to grad school at Dartmouth and told me that he'd gotten in and I was going to work while he did an mba. And I said, well, all my contacts are in Denver. So we agreed instead of Dartmouth, to move to Denver, I would work and he would go to DU or another good business school to get his mba. So he actually got the to Denver and got a job as a stockbroker. And he was doing really well. It was 1990. The first four months he worked as a stockbroker, he made 50 grand.
Molly
Wow.
Hannah
So he was like, I don't know if I want to go to grad school anymore.
Andrea Merriman
That's exactly what he decided. He said, you know, I wanted to get an MBA to get out and become an investment banker, but I'm doing that now.
Molly
Yeah.
Andrea Merriman
So why give up this great career? And it was. He was having a lot of success, making really good money right away. We were young, didn't have kids. I went from making like $4.90 an hour as a college student to being married to a guy that makes 200,000 a year. And I'm 2022, turning 23. So it was a prosperous life. And after three threeish years of being a stockbroker, he made a pivot in his career. And he came to me and said that he had been asked by some of his wealthier clients to start his own investment company and just manage a pool of money privately for them. And I supported him in that. And over the next 14 to 15 years, as he ran his investment company and we added to our family, eventually four kids, I watched our net worth go to $10 million.
Molly
Wow.
Andrea Merriman
So over 14 to 15 years, he was doing really well. But prior to having kids, he was making all this money, and. And I had other things that I'd wanted to try, but I hadn't. So I quit work Working full time.
Hannah
Were you practicing law?
Andrea Merriman
No, I ended up not doing law school. I just ended up graduating with my bachelor's degree. And when I married him, I gave up law school.
Hannah
Was that because of him, you think?
Andrea Merriman
Yes.
Hannah
Okay.
Andrea Merriman
So I opened up my own piano studio. I quit working full time. So I was working part time. I had 32 students a week and taught piano, but I wasn't working full time.
Molly
It's more just your passion.
Andrea Merriman
Yes, yes. And by the time I had my second child, then I stopped teaching piano because piano takes place before school and after school. The times that little kids have fussiness or need dinner or bed. So it just got too hard. But I did work part time for a while. But he was making enough money that I didn't need to pay for anything. He was covering all the expenses.
Molly
So what was it like becoming a full time mom?
Andrea Merriman
I thought it was fun. I loved it. I was surprised because I had wanted to go to law school and I had wanted a career and I was really surprised when I had kids to be that like intrigued and just feel so much love that I did not want to leave them. I was totally fulfilled being a full time mom and I kept busy. I mean, I served in every one of their classrooms and I chaired PTO committees and I served in our church and I.
Molly
And there's four of them. So that's a lot of work.
Andrea Merriman
Yes. So over time and my kids were spread out a little bit, which in some ways I think is easy, but in some ways it's harder because I had a three year old, an elementary schooler, a middle schooler and a high schooler. So it was busy and it was fun and my focus was just on being a good person, trying to put good people out into the world and making happy family memories. I was all about the memories. So I think I was pretty successful in that.
Hannah
Can you tell us about the really good times in your early. When you first started having kids or just before? I want to make sure we see it going.
Molly
Yeah, just pivoting from. You were pretty unhappy in the marriage. But then things kind of picked up. And what was that era like of.
Hannah
And what was your friendship like? You know, what was your. Not. You don't have to go too deep, but like the intimacy of your relationship.
Andrea Merriman
The early part of our marriage was an adjustment and there were all these things that were different and I stuck in there and I kept trying and I think over time I thought they were small issues that we were resolving. And I talked to my mom sometimes and she'd say, oh, just tell them how that behavior impacts you and he'll change. Or do you think your dad was the way he was when you knew him compared to when I married him, you know?
Hannah
Yeah, everybody says that. Marriage.
Molly
We got a train job. Yeah, that's.
Andrea Merriman
So I just figured with time, he was improving and getting better, and we were growing together, and we were having this great family. We had a great life. We upgraded our house a couple times, so we were living in a phenomenal home. We'd upgrade our cars periodically.
Molly
It seems like, from what you're saying, it wasn't like you had this great love, but you did have a partnership and he had respect for you and you had respect for him.
Andrea Merriman
Yes, yes. And I did love him, but I wouldn't say it was like the live or die passion love that's. Some people have. But, you know, there's lots of different types of love.
Hannah
Absolutely right. You also never really had that with this person.
Andrea Merriman
Yeah, right. So we had a great friendship, a good partnership. There was love. We didn't argue and fight like some couples. So I thought we were on track forever. Over time, you know, I was happy. I. I knew there were bumps, I knew there were imperfections, but I was really happy thinking that we were living a great life. And I would look back and go, oh, that's so funny that it was so hard for me in the beginning to marry him, because I think I made the right choice now. I thought he really became this good guy now.
Molly
And then you have four kids, so it's like. And $10 million and $10 million. Those two things change things a lot.
Hannah
I'm saying you're not like a shallow person by any means. I.
Molly
But it makes things easier. It really.
Hannah
It makes a lot easier.
Molly
Yeah.
Andrea Merriman
So it was, you know, it was a nice life. It was an easy life. He traveled a lot for his job, so he was absent a lot. But when he was in town, we went on weekly dates. He's continued to surprise me with gifts. He sent me flowers usually every month. I remember one time he said, hey, come sit out on the back porch with me. He'd been traveling a lot that year. So I go out on the back porch, and we're sitting on this little swing, and he goes, I just wanted you to know I love and appreciate you. You're a great wife. Any wife that doesn't throw a fit when her husband's gone on Valentine's Day and their anniversary deserves this.
Hannah
Boom.
Andrea Merriman
Pops up a huge diamond ring.
Molly
Wow.
Andrea Merriman
Another Time, you know, hey, do you want to go to lunch? And I go to lunch and he gives me this big diamond necklace. He. I mean, he was a gift giver. So he was gone a lot, as I say, but in some ways, the love bombing continued through the whole marriage. And he had a lot of success. So eventually we had a fun home. We had a cabin up at Yellowstone. And when I say cabin, it was a beautiful, million dollar, astounding cabin back in the day, so probably worth even more now. We had annual family vacations somewhere amazing. We'd go on fall break every year to Hawaii. We'd do spring break and other visits to California. Lots of little trips in between. We had a fun home that we lived in with our kids that had a swimming pool and ponds.
Hannah
And I want to live. I want to be in your fam.
Andrea Merriman
Yeah, it was a good life.
Hannah
Sounds good.
Andrea Merriman
So I just thought we had worked hard and taken some risks and they had panned out and he was enjoying success. Now that I know the truth, I think there were some red flags that, again, I was missing. And I wasn't looking for red flags because I loved and trusted the person I was married to. Yeah, There were some weird things, though. Looking back, even at the time, I probably thought they were weird, but they had seemingly plausible explanations. For example, I was not allowed to touch the mail. I went and got the mail once just because I was bored and thought, oh, I wonder if the mails come. And he freaked out on me. You know, he was normally patient, didn't yell too much, but he lost it when I got the mail.
Molly
What?
Andrea Merriman
My gosh, what is your problem? All I did was get the mail. And then he calmed down and said, well, but my business mail comes to this address and there's people's private documents and checks and blah, blah, blah.
Hannah
I don't open it.
Andrea Merriman
I don't. I don't want any to get lost. I don't want you to be forgetful. So he kind of put it off as, you know, I might be forgetful, or he needed to protect his client's privacy or that he just had this high pressure job. So I thought that was weird.
Hannah
But you're like, all right, whatever, I'll choose my battles.
Molly
Yeah. Kind of like, oh, he's just kind of a control freak. Is that makes sense? Yeah.
Andrea Merriman
But at the same time, I thought, well, yeah, it is people's private info and I don't want to know it, so. So I guess you could rationalize that it makes sense.
Molly
Yeah.
Hannah
So what would you do. I'm. This is like, such a logistic question, but I'm like, he traveled a lot. What would you do if he was gone and you needed to get the mail? He.
Andrea Merriman
He would have an employee get the mail, or occasionally I would get the mail. But. But mostly it was don't touch the mail.
Hannah
That's.
Andrea Merriman
Yeah. Which. And it was just kind of how it was.
Molly
Yeah.
Andrea Merriman
And my dad hadn't operated a business from home, so I'm like, oh, I guess this is how it is when you work from home.
Molly
Yeah.
Andrea Merriman
Another weird thing was he had his computer and phone, and I didn't think there was anything secret about it until about 10 years into his company, running his company. I was upstairs in our bedroom. I needed to check my email for something, and I didn't want to go down to my office. I was feeling lazy. And his computer was laying on the bed, so I grabbed it and logged into my email, and I was checking my email, and he walked in the room, saw me on his computer, and completely lost it on me, yelled, and don't touch my computer. Blah, blah, blah. So, so strongly upset about that that I was shocked. And I even remember saying, my gosh, what is wrong with you, man? If you didn't know any better, you'd think you were living a double life or something. Like, so weird. Well, as weird as I thought.
Hannah
And his justification is privacy business. Okay, okay.
Andrea Merriman
But after that conversation, when I said that, I said, that is so weird. You would think he all of a sudden would allow me to use his computer. He'd be like, hey, my computer's on the bed if you ever want to use it.
Hannah
Wait, after this? He would.
Andrea Merriman
He changed after that. Yeah. And I said, no way. I only used it once. And all those years we were married because I was feeling lazy, but no way do I want to touch that computer.
Hannah
But now he's like, if I let her use the computer now that I've wiped it of all evidence, then she'll trust me more.
Molly
Right, Right.
Andrea Merriman
Yeah. So those. Those were a couple of red flags. Now, looking back, I'm like, the fact that he traveled so much and his business was never impacted, that's kind of weird, too. But I wasn't worried about that. Then I thought I was married.
Molly
These are all really easy things to write off.
Hannah
Totally.
Andrea Merriman
I was sort of, in a way, living two realities. What I saw and experienced and lived and believed, but I didn't know there was this other alternate reality going on at the very same time. That was not good. It Was not what I thought would ever be a part of my life.
Molly
So take us to the day where you make this discovery.
Andrea Merriman
So at this point, by the time I have investment statements totaling $10 million and our home is paid off, and we're driving nice cars and have a bunch of fun cars and an extra garage that we had. I had four kids that were ages 3, 3, 8 and a half, just turning 14 and just turning 16.
Molly
Wow.
Andrea Merriman
So it was March 18, 2009, a couple of weeks before my oldest son turned 16 and my daughter turned 14. And I had gotten the kids off to school, dropped my 3 year old off at a babysitter, and I was off to run some errands. And as I was heading out on my errands, my husband called me and said, hey, what are you doing? And I said, oh, just running some errands. He's like, oh. I said, what's wrong? Do you need something? Well, yeah, I was hoping to spend some time with you. I said, oh, well, I'll turn around and come and get you, and you can run my errands with me. He said, no, I just need you to come home. So I said, well, how much time do you need? He's like, oh, about two hours.
Hannah
And were you like, this is weird behavior from him or was this.
Andrea Merriman
I thought it was odd. I thought it was odd, but I wasn't alarmed. In fact, I remember turning the car around and heading home and kind of patting myself on the back like, you're such a nice, kind, supportive wife. You had this plan. You made all these arrangements. You were excited to do it, but you know your husband needs you, so you'll turn around and go help him. Like, I was not thinking anything unusual was about to happen. And he had me meet him at the kitchen table of our motorhome. Now, that should have been a red flag, but he. He told me later that he knew I hated the motorhome, and he had this conversation that he was about to have with me, and he didn't want me to hate the home that we lived in. So he asked me to meet him in the motorhome that was just parked outside. Weird. Yeah, it was parked out behind our house.
Molly
Okay.
Hannah
All right.
Andrea Merriman
So I arrive home, and I walk into the kitchen of the motorhome. I sit down. He was on the phone and finishing up a conversation. He'd done a lot of conversations, mostly away from the house, but I had just learned to, like, tune stuff out and not listen if he happened to be on the phone. I had Way too many things to focus on and think about. As a mom of four kids, I could have cared less about his investment company, who was investing or anything. I didn't have any interest. So he ends his call. He sits down at the table. And I said, okay, so what's going on? What do you need? And he said, well, I needed to talk to you. And on the table was a yellow legal pad with the name of his company written down on it. And I was like, what's this? Why do you have your company name written on this legal pad? Why is it sitting here? And he said, well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I needed to tell you that my company, Market Street Advisors, is a sham. And it has been from the very beginning. I. I've actually been running a Ponzi scheme.
Molly
So sorry to leave you guys on that cliffhanger.
Hannah
Yeah, that's Molly's fault.
Molly
That's my fault.
Hannah
I'm glad you're here to take accountability.
Molly
I'm really sorry.
Hannah
But I do love her, and I, like, I'm excited to hear from other people. Cause we've obviously talked. We had a guest, Jubilee, who I love following on Instagram. Cause she posts a lot about coming out of the church that indoctrinated her.
Molly
Yes.
Hannah
And we're very much not people who are like, if people like it, I love it. And if you're not hurting anybody, great. But we do see a lot of stories. Military, church.
Molly
Yeah. There are power dynamics.
Hannah
Power dynamics.
Molly
And we just need to be aware of that. I mean, her belief system, you'll hear in the next part, is also what got her through a very difficult time. So it's not all bad, but I think you need to.
Hannah
Just the way it impacted her relationship to marriage.
Molly
Yeah. But it does impact us. And I think we need to think critically about the way that religion can impact our decisions. And if those decisions are really good.
Hannah
Yeah.
Molly
Or. I don't know. It's complicated. It's very complicated.
Hannah
Well, that's why I'm excited to hear what people.
Molly
Yeah, let us know what you think. Like current Mormons, people that are no longer Mormons. We'd love to hear what you think about other religions, what you think about that part of the story, and also.
Hannah
How you navigate it. Like, if you've found a way to have a good relationship with your family or your. Your community, your religion, whatever, while still separating from some of the values. Like, how do you do that?
Molly
Absolutely. Yeah. We have more to discuss after part two.
Hannah
Oh, yeah.
Molly
Lots to discuss. But until then, sorry.
Hannah
Yeah, that's. This is what we got. Come to Patreon $5 a month or $9 if you want. No ads. And dish with us and talk about your reactions. If you have any questions for her, we'll, we'll, we'll. You'll hear at the end of the next episode.
Molly
There's lots of.
Hannah
There's more to discuss and we can get, get you to that. I would just say if you do anything this week, just, I don't know, check on your finances.
Molly
Yeah.
Hannah
Make sure you got some money away.
Molly
Yeah.
Hannah
That's your homework, everybody. If you don't touch the finances in your home, sit down, be like, let's have a little budget date.
Molly
Also, I think maybe listen to her first hundred K. I love her. Or what's the other one that you like?
Hannah
I like money for couples as well.
Molly
Money for couples. I think those are two.
Hannah
Which is like couples therapy, but with money.
Molly
Yes. I think those are two really good podcasts to listen to for people trying to figure out how to be in a partnership but still have enough money tucked away so you could have independence as well. Because none of us think that we're gonna end up in a position like this. She didn't think she would either.
Hannah
No.
Molly
So it doesn't.
Hannah
And there's a way to do that without having to be like, I don't trust my partner. I have to lie to my partner. I have to keep things from.
Molly
It's not about that. Because anything could happen. I mean, something could happen that has. Your partner didn't mean, like your partner could die and something could happen with life insurance and you just never know. So just, you know, listen to those podcasts.
Hannah
I was just thinking about that with somebody in my life where I was like, we gotta think through. Literally, somebody was like, you know, had a little rose colored glasses on. And I was like, we gotta think through some of the logistics of this. And they were like, that's why I like the dating detectives. I didn't even think about that. I was like, happy to be here.
Molly
Yeah, we're always here to bring a little negativity.
Andrea Merriman
Sorry.
Molly
But it's not, you know, it's not. It's being smart. We love romance. We also love being smart.
Hannah
We also love not being dogfished.
Molly
We love not being dogfished. And it's not even just dogfish situations. A million things can happen. And it's just nice to know that you and your kids and your family will be taken care of even if the worst happens. So just, you know, that's your homework.
Hannah
For this week, guys. And come to self defense. Come to self defense this upcoming Saturday. If you're in Los Angeles and if you're in another city that you would love us to visit someday, just let us know because maybe that'll happen and we can do self defense all around the world.
Molly
We're also thinking about maybe doing virtual, but.
Hannah
Oh, my God, I forgot about that. Yeah, a virtual self defense.
Molly
Let us know if you'd be interested in joining virtually and we'll see.
Hannah
I'm talking to my girl. The girl who teaches it is great. She's like a triple black belt. Her name is self defense with Brie Vishal. Follow her. But she's like you.
Andrea Merriman
She.
Hannah
She's great. You'll learn. You'll learn a lot. So let's do it. Let us know if you want to.
Molly
All right.
Hannah
I love you. Thanks for joining me.
Molly
And I'll be back next week. See you guys all here. I hope that I did okay and you don't hate me.
Hannah
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. They. They don't. I know they don't. And if they do, they. What did you say? Lock them. Locked.
Molly
Just kidding. Love you guys.
Hannah
Well, how. Sign us off? You know what we say?
Molly
All right.
Hannah
End us. As always.
Molly
Just your fun tuition.
Podcast Summary: The Dating Detectives – "A Life Built on a Lie: Part 1"
Release Date: June 16, 2025
In this special episode of The Dating Detectives, hosts Hannah Anderson and producer Molly take center stage as Mackenzie Fultz is unavailable due to a vacation or work trip. The episode begins with a warm welcome and a brief introduction of Molly, emphasizing her pivotal role in creating and producing the show.
Notable Quotes:
Molly provides an insightful glimpse into her responsibilities, highlighting the extensive work involved in producing the podcast—from story selection and editing to community engagement through Patreon. The hosts discuss the importance of listener support and the benefits of joining their Patreon community, which offers bonus content and fosters a supportive environment.
Notable Quotes:
Hannah enthusiastically promotes their ongoing self-defense workshops in Los Angeles, encouraging listeners to participate in upcoming sessions aimed at personal safety. She underscores the practical skills attendees will gain, complemented by giveaways from reputable brands.
Notable Quotes:
Reflecting on a recent format change where a Private Investigator (PI) joined the episode, Molly and Hannah address listener feedback. They acknowledge mixed reactions and announce adjustments to better align future episodes with audience preferences, ensuring that the focus remains on uncovering compelling stories.
Notable Quotes:
The episode shifts focus to the main story of Andrea Merriman, setting the stage for a deep dive into her tumultuous relationship marked by deception and financial abuse. Andrea begins by sharing her background, detailing her upbringing in a large, adopted family within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and her academic aspirations.
Notable Quotes:
Andrea recounts her first encounter with her future husband at a university housing complex, describing his initial charm and the gradual shift from casual interactions to a rapid courtship. She reflects on how his affection and generosity masked underlying red flags.
Notable Quotes:
As the relationship progresses, Andrea identifies several red flags that she initially overlooked, such as excessive generosity and controlling behaviors. She realizes in hindsight that she was being "love bombed"—a manipulative tactic involving excessive affection to gain control.
Notable Quotes:
Andrea describes the swift progression to engagement and marriage, highlighting the external pressures and internal conflicts she faced. Despite her reservations about the speed of their relationship, societal and familial expectations influenced her decision to marry.
Notable Quotes:
In a climactic twist, Andrea narrates the day she discovers her husband's Ponzi scheme, marking the end of Part 1. This revelation underscores the depth of deception and sets the stage for further exploration in the subsequent episode.
Notable Quotes:
The episode concludes with a teaser for Part 2, where Molly and Hannah hint at delving deeper into Andrea’s experiences, the impact of her faith on her decision-making, and the broader implications of power dynamics in relationships.
Notable Quotes:
Love Bombing as a Manipulative Tool: Andrea's story exemplifies how overwhelming affection can obscure manipulative intentions in relationships.
Financial Abuse and Deception: The episode sheds light on the subtleties of financial control and deception within intimate partnerships.
Impact of External Pressures: Societal and familial expectations can significantly influence personal relationship decisions, often to one's detriment.
Importance of Recognizing Red Flags: Early signs of controlling behavior and inconsistencies in a partner's actions warrant attention to prevent deeper future issues.
"A Life Built on a Lie: Part 1" offers a compelling narrative that intertwines personal experiences with broader themes of trust, deception, and resilience in the dating world. The hosts adeptly balance storytelling with insightful commentary, providing listeners with both an engaging story and valuable lessons on navigating complex relationships.
Stay tuned for Part 2, where Andrea Merriman continues her harrowing journey of uncovering the layers of deceit in her marriage and takes steps toward reclaiming her life.
For more detailed discussions and bonus content, consider joining The Dating Detectives' Patreon.