The Support Group

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dating Detectives – Episode: The Support Group

Introduction

In this compelling episode of The Dating Detectives, hosts Hannah and Molly welcome Claudia, a courageous guest who shares her harrowing experience with deception, manipulation, and eventual liberation from a manipulative relationship. Through Claudia's story, the hosts shed light on the red flags to watch for in the dating world, especially within the context of online dating and relationships influenced by past traumas.

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Claudia’s Background and Early Relationship

Claudia begins by providing context about her life before meeting her ex-husband, Tyler. She describes growing up in a larger body and feeling overlooked during her college years, which led her to struggle with establishing meaningful relationships.

Claudia [04:00]: "I bought a house and decided to start my own salon with friends."

In 2011, amid launching her business, Claudia turns to online dating platforms like OkCupid, where she matches with Tyler, a man six years her junior who presents himself as a military veteran recently returned from deployment.

Claudia [05:29]: "Tyler was attentive and interested in everything I shared. There were no apparent red flags at the time."

Marriage and Early Marriage Life

Claudia and Tyler's relationship progresses rapidly. They decide to move in together after a month, cohabiting while Claudia continues to build her salon business. Tyler often contributes by bringing small gestures like Starbucks, reinforcing Claudia's initial perception of him as a caring partner.

Claudia [17:07]: "We decided to move in together because I was super busy with the salon and it felt easier."

The couple decides to have a dog despite neither having prior experience with pets. They bring home a terrier puppy named Chanel, which adds to the dynamics of their household.

Claudia [22:05]: "Chanel was super sweet but incredibly ornery. She completely owned us."

Emerging Red Flags and Discovery of Lies

As time progresses, Claudia notices Tyler distancing himself, spending more time with friends, especially after securing a job in car sales through Claudia's connections. Claudia begins experiencing feelings of being gaslit, as Tyler dismisses her concerns about his behaviors and their relationship dynamics.

Claudia [43:48]: "When I saw him at the wedding without his ring and then hitting on a bridesmaid while drunk, I realized something was terribly wrong."

Claudia receives a concerning Facebook message from a woman claiming Tyler had been lying about his marital status, stirring doubt about his fidelity. Additionally, Tyler's sister, Adam, becomes a pivotal character as she uncovers Tyler's criminal history, revealing him to be a registered sex offender with prior charges for inappropriate contact with minors.

Claudia [70:56]: "I found out Tyler had been charged with inappropriate contact with minors before our marriage."

Confrontation, Divorce, and Legal Proceedings

Faced with undeniable evidence of Tyler's deceit and criminal behavior, Claudia decides to end the marriage. With support from her business partners and family, she navigates the tumultuous divorce process, ensuring she secures custody of her daughter while isolating Tyler from their shared assets.

Claudia [78:27]: "I knew I couldn't let him have any rights over our daughter. I demanded he stay away from us entirely."

Throughout the divorce, Claudia emphasizes the importance of trusting one's instincts and seeking support from trusted individuals.

Claudia [86:35]: "Listen to your gut, trust your intuition. Don't push your concerns aside because you feel obligated to make things work."

Lessons Learned and Moving Forward

Claudia's story culminates in her rebuilding her life as a single mother. She highlights the significance of self-advocacy, resilience, and the necessity of surrounding oneself with supportive friends and family. Claudia also underscores the pervasive issue of gaslighting in abusive relationships and the importance of recognizing and addressing red flags early on.

Claudia [87:39]: "You can be strong and successful, but if you're insecure in your relationships, things can spiral out of control. Don't blame yourself."

Host Reflections and Advice

Following Claudia's poignant narrative, Hannah and Molly engage in a reflective discussion about the challenges of recognizing red flags, the complexities of ending toxic relationships, and the societal pressures that often compel individuals to stay in unhealthy situations. They offer practical advice, such as conducting thorough background checks through platforms like Google and maintaining records of interactions during legal proceedings.

Hannah [96:07]: "Did you check the Google? Did you check the mutual friends? Did you check LinkedIn? Just check."

The hosts also emphasize the importance of self-care and seeking professional help when navigating difficult emotional landscapes, resonating with Claudia's recommendations to trust one's intuition and advocate for personal well-being.

Claudia [87:52]: "You’re not alone. Sharing our stories helps others realize that they’re not alone either."

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Conclusion

This episode of The Dating Detectives serves as a powerful testament to the importance of vigilance in the dating scene and the resilience required to overcome deeply personal betrayals. Claudia's journey from deception to empowerment offers invaluable lessons for listeners, encouraging them to trust their instincts, seek support, and prioritize their well-being in the face of manipulation and deceit.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Claudia [04:00]: "I bought a house and decided to start my own salon with friends."
• Claudia [05:29]: "Tyler was attentive and interested in everything I shared. There were no apparent red flags at the time."
• Claudia [17:07]: "We decided to move in together because I was super busy with the salon and it felt easier."
• Claudia [22:05]: "Chanel was super sweet but incredibly ornery. She completely owned us."
• Claudia [43:48]: "When I saw him at the wedding without his ring and then hitting on a bridesmaid while drunk, I realized something was terribly wrong."
• Claudia [70:56]: "I found out Tyler had been charged with inappropriate contact with minors before our marriage."
• Claudia [78:27]: "I knew I couldn't let him have any rights over our daughter. I demanded he stay away from us entirely."
• Claudia [86:35]: "Listen to your gut, trust your intuition. Don't push your concerns aside because you feel obligated to make things work."
• Claudia [87:39]: "You can be strong and successful, but if you're insecure in your relationships, things can spiral out of control. Don't blame yourself."
• Claudia [87:52]: "You’re not alone. Sharing our stories helps others realize that they’re not alone either."
• Hannah [96:07]: "Did you check the Google? Did you check the mutual friends? Did you check LinkedIn? Just check."

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Key Takeaways

1. Trust Your Instincts: Claudia emphasizes the importance of listening to one's gut feelings in relationships. If something feels off, it's crucial to investigate further rather than dismiss concerns.

2. Red Flags Can Be Subtle: Early signs of deception, such as excessive charm or dismissive behavior towards concerns, should not be overlooked. Recognizing these can prevent deeper entanglements with untrustworthy individuals.

3. Importance of Documentation: Keeping detailed records, especially during legal proceedings like divorce, can provide concrete evidence against manipulative partners and protect one's interests.

4. Seek Support: Surrounding oneself with trustworthy friends, family, and professionals can provide the necessary strength and resources to navigate and overcome abusive relationships.

5. Self-Advocacy and Empowerment: Taking control of one's narrative and actively advocating for personal well-being is essential in breaking free from toxic relationships.

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This episode not only narrates a deeply personal and distressing experience but also serves as an educational resource for listeners to recognize and address similar issues in their own lives. Claudia's resilience and the hosts' insightful reflections make this episode a poignant exploration of the dark side of modern dating and the journey towards personal empowerment.

Transcript

[Hannah]

The following program contains names, places, and events that have been anonymized or fictionalized for the purposes of protection and safety. The following program is provided for entertainment purposes only, and any commentary from the hosts are strictly conjecture and should not be held as making any definitive statements about the truth or identity of any particular individuals or circumstances. If you or a loved one are involved in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for support. Happy Monday.

[Molly]

Happy Monday.

[Hannah]

That was me trying to be as energetic as Mackenzie is when she says Happy Monday. Mackenzie is in the Mediterranean right now, you guys. We are so happy for her, and her whole family is there, her husband and her son. So if you haven't followed her on Instagram at Freedom Barbie, you gotta go. You gotta go look. But she'll be back next week. For this week, subbing in to co host with me is our producer, Molly. Guys, just clap, clap. We're in your cars right now. Molly's the best. Thank you for doing this with me.

[Molly]

Of course. I'm really excited to be here. I'm also. I'm nervous. I hope you guys like me.

[Hannah]

No, that's not the attitude you have. You have to get rid of that. Molly is going to remind us and we'll talk more at the end. But she is the one that, you know, deals with our reviews and all the backend. She really is the mastermind. But leave us a review if you like us, because it does help.

[Molly]

Yeah, please leave us a review, guys. It really helps us and helps support the show if you like us. Take a couple minutes out of your day. Give us a review and helps bring new people to the show. And if you don't like us, then please don't leave us a review. There's actually not even a review section, so.

[Hannah]

Yeah, no, that. They got rid of that. Yeah. Well, Molly's the best if you are a new listener. She created the podcast and is just. Just an awesome producer. And also now she's an awesome interviewer. And I know that because we already recorded the part with the guest.

[Molly]

Yes.

[Hannah]

Claudia came on and told us her story. Yeah. Yeah. Really, really crazy. And I'm excited for everybody to hear it really quick.

[Molly]

There's just one other thing I want to add. In the first five minutes or so, there's a little audio issue that we couldn't fix. Just a little interference that sounds. Sounds kind of like scratching. But we fixed it after about five minutes, so you'll only hear it for that long and really sorry. Just bear with us for that little part.

[Hannah]

Thank you for reminding me. This is why you're the producer.

[Molly]

Those are all my updates. Let's listen to this episode. Let's get into it.

[Hannah]

I love it. Let's do it. Hi, Claudia.

[Claudia]

Hi. How are you guys?

[Molly]

Good.

[Hannah]

We're good and excited you're here. So whenever you're ready to get into it.

[Claudia]

All right, well, I'm excited to be here. My name is Claudia, and I married someone I didn't know. So here we are. Here we are. And so to understand my story a little bit better, I grew up in a larger body, and I always made the joke that I was, like, the duff, like, the designated ugly fat friend. And so I went off to college. I was in a sorority. I had all these sorority sister friends that were all beautiful, and I just kind of always got overlooked. So I. I never really had a true relationship until a little bit later on, and they were never great. But then I started. Well, I started doing hair when I was 20 and moved back to my hometown and started working at a salon and then decided to open my own salon with some friends.

[Hannah]

Wow. Congrats.

[Claudia]

Yeah. Thank you. It was an exciting time because I wasn't even 30 yet and, you know, was starting my own business, and I bought a house. I decided to start this business with two of my friends, Jack and Allison. And I had been on and off dating apps for a while because this would have been 2011, and so they were just kind of starting to really become a little more mainstream.

[Hannah]

It was like Tinder was the only one for a minute.

[Claudia]

Well, yeah, like, so I don't even. I was Tinder. I don't even think Tinder existed.

[Hannah]

Tinder wasn't there yet, so it was like, okay, Cupid.

[Claudia]

Yeah. And plenty of fish. And the OGs. What's the. The one, like, match. No match, I think was there. But then eharmony, I had tried eharmony, and I was like, oh, this is not for me. And then one. One of my friends was like, oh, you should try OkCupid. And I was like, fine. I ended up matching with Tyler, and he was like, super. I don't know. There was something about him. He. He wasn't some drop dead gorgeous guy, but he also wasn't unattractive, obviously. I mean, I matched with him, but he just. I don't know. There was something about him. He was younger. He's six years younger.

[Hannah]

You were in your mid-20s. Ish. Or late.

[Claudia]

Was 28. About to turn 29. He was like 22, about to turn 23.

[Hannah]

That's, that's, that's like a y bigger age gap than six years. In my humble opinion, based on what I know of 22 year old men. Right.

[Claudia]

Oh, looking back now, you are 100% correct.

[Hannah]

But we had to learn that, didn't we?

[Molly]

Yeah, we had to learn.

[Claudia]

Like now 42 year old Claudia totally understands that at this point in time.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

You were like cute.

[Claudia]

Yeah. Not, not so much. Right. Like, I feel like I've always been a little bit of a fixer. And so in my brain it's like, well, if they need to be fixed, that's okay because I can. And then maybe they'll love me more, you know?

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Claudia]

So we match. And I don't remember how long we were talking. It definitely wasn't. We didn't go on our first date right away. There was a lot of back and forth. He was attentive, like he asked questions. It was totally different. And I, you know, I was like, oh my God, this guy is great. He wants to know about me. He's interested in everything. He had said that he had deployed to Afghanistan and he had only been back a short period of time and his family was from the same area. We were both locals and so we're getting to know each other. I find out he was in the military. He had come back, he was living at home because he had just gotten back and he wasn't really sure what he wanted to do. And so he was just doing minimum wage jobs and helping his parents pay their mortgage because they were financially struggling. And so he was just trying to be a help.

[Hannah]

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[Molly]

Oh no.

[Hannah]

Thank you so much for that response. It is awful. It's awful. It's like a little balloon in my belly. And I put it together. It happened the most right after I had a specific kind of beer that has a lot, a lot of gluten and I was like, oh God, I need to see if I'm like, what would happen if I stopped eating as much gluten. So I wanted to try some gluten free options and I went to Hungry Root because we've been talking about them for a while and they help with meal planning and grocery shopping and they can cater to what you want it to be. But it's more than just like prepared meals. We both have used Hungry Root, so we love it.

[Molly]

Love, love Hungry Root.

[Hannah]

I went back and I updated my preferences to gluten free and I got a box full of both groceries and ingredients to put together an easy, easy meal. Because I'm not a very good cook, but I made sweet potato and black bean tacos with guacamole and it was really good. And also the thing I love most about them is their system. It's like a point system. Me too.

[Molly]

I love the point system as well.

[Hannah]

Because anything that I liked too, because I've gotten it before, before my gluten free experimentation, there were certain recipes I wanted to get again. But then I could easily sub in ingredients with gluten free ingredients because it's like, oh, that ingredient was one point. Let me see what else fits for this recipe. That's just one point. Great. Done.

[Molly]

So essentially you get a certain amount of points depending on your subscription plan with Hungry Root and then you can shop for groceries, get meal plans, and everything's a different amount of points. So you can do all different kinds of combinations and switch it out for all different kinds of things. It's such a customizable plan.

[Hannah]

But they also recommend stuff for you based on what you like. So half like you can customize it, but half the times they have recommended something where I'M like, I would never have thought of that. But that looks so good. Yes. I want to try that like protein juice thing that you've just popped on. It's not just ingredients, you know, it's drinks, it's vitamins. It's all kinds of things that you would need at the grocery store. But you don't have to go to the grocery store.

[Molly]

Yeah, you can just.

[Hannah]

You also don't have to know anything about making gluten free food.

[Molly]

Right. Because you, you and Mackenzie talk all the time about how much you hate cooking. I actually love cooking. I hate going to the grocery store. So that's why I love hunker root. I can still cook what I want to cook or I can cook one of their recipes, but I don't have to go to the grocery store and.

[Hannah]

Save so much time.

[Molly]

Saves so much time. It's great.

[Hannah]

And saves so much money. Honestly, the prices are great.

[Molly]

True.

[Hannah]

So right now, Hungryroot is offering the Dating Detectives listeners 40% off your first delivery and free veggies for life. That's amazing. What just. I know. And just go to hungryroot.com TDD to get 40% off your first delivery and get your free veggies. That's hungryroot.com TDD. Don't forget to use our link so they know we sent you. We will put it in the show notes. And I forgot to say, but, like, the food is really good and I'm less bloated, like, since I've been cutting out gluten. So I think I cracked it. Who knows? I'll keep you posted.

[Molly]

You're a nutritionist now?

[Hannah]

Yeah, no big deal.

[Claudia]

So I don't totally remember how we decided to go out on our first date, but we decided to meet at a sports bar. And I show up and I was like, oh, he's a little shorter than I thought he was going to be. But he was good looking. He wasn't catfishing me. He looked like his picture. We went in, we sat at the bar and I distinctly remember him being like, so what's your favorite drink? You know, because when you're in your 20s and you're living in a college town and there are bars everywhere, that's important. That's an important thing. That's a. And I was like, oh, like, rum and coke. And he was like, oh, my God, me too. What's your favorite rum? And I was like, captain Morgan. And he was like, oh, my God, me too. And I was like, this is crazy. Like, and I realize now that sounds totally ridiculous, but, you know, at the time when you're maybe a little desperate and this attractive guy is seemingly having so much in common with you, it. It matters. Like, it's kind of like, yay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And. And I'm pretty sure we got the same thing to eat. Like, everything was going really well. Really great conversation. We talked about his military service and about how I come from a military family. My dad was a Navy bombardier and a Navy flyer in Vietnam, and his father, my grandfather, was career Navy. So I come. And then my other grandfather was in the army. So, like, major military understanding.

[Hannah]

Yeah, as you should. Yeah, of course.

[Claudia]

And. And I kind of held military men. I put them on a pedestal maybe, because my dad is an amazing human and he's wonderful and all this, these things. And so my experience with military men had been my dad and his friends. And so I just was like, this guy's great.

[Molly]

Before you met him, did you always imagine yourself with a military man?

[Claudia]

Oh, yeah. I'm a military bunny. Okay, uniform bunny.

[Hannah]

You're right through. Let's go.

[Claudia]

So we had this great date. We're talking about how we both seemingly want the same things, and we're just looking for that right person that just makes us feel at home. I mean, it was. It was like picture perfect first date. So we go our separate ways, and I am just. I'm texting my friends, I'm being like, I just went on an amazing first date, all these things. Super, super excited. The next morning, he texts me and I'm like, oh, okay, here we are. So I was spending the majority of my days in the salon helping with the build out. And he would do little things like pop in with Starbucks for me and sometimes even for Jack and Allison. Like, he would just.

[Hannah]

I like that.

[Claudia]

He would just do these nice little things. And I was like, oh, I've never had a guy like dote on me. This is amazing. We would go to dinner and it was just nice. Like there was nothing at that point in time that was like a huge red flag. The fact that he lived at home kind of irked me, but I understood. And I had to keep reminding myself, he's six years younger. Like, yes, you just bought a house. You're being a boss, bitch. You know, you're doing all the things. But he is six years younger and he was in the military. Like, he went straight from high school into the military. And so he had also told me he was in the reserve. So he would go on his reserve weekends once A month. So in the beginning, we would go out just ourselves. We would go out with some of my friends. Looking back now, I'm like, oh, he was trying to impress us because he would tell us all these stories about being in Afghanistan and, you know, going down alleys and having to clear towns and like, all this stuff. And of course, the uniform bunny in me is like, wow, you know, and when he met my parents, he and my dad talked about it a little, because my dad being in Vietnam, he was part of a unit that did some pretty serious stuff that's still top secret. Like, I still can't even know about it. So he and my dad definitely bonded at that point in time. And.

[Hannah]

And that was how soon into the relationship?

[Claudia]

Probably about a month or so. Nice in overall. My parents seemingly liked him. So after about a month, month and a half, we decided to move in together, which I realize is like back the U. Haul up behavior.

[Hannah]

But what made you. Yeah, what?

[Claudia]

Well, I lived 20 minutes from town and he lived in town, but it was just hard with opening the salon. This was right around the time that we actually did open the salon. And so I was super busy between being behind the chair, trying to keep the business going and running.

[Hannah]

Oh, that sounds so exhausting.

[Claudia]

Yeah, I mean, it was like non stop. And so it just felt easier. He was living at home. And looking back now, I should have been like, well, what about your parents? Like, don't they need you to help pay their mortgage? But again, this. This was truly the first time where I had felt like I was being doted upon.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Claudia]

And in the beginning, he made me feel so important. So we decided to move in. I met his parents. They just seemed like your average small town parents, you know, he was the oldest of three. I ended up meeting his brother and his sister fairly quickly. And they both were really nice and I just wanted them to like me because I was like, I really like Tyler and I want his siblings to like me. And in the beginning, we all seemingly got along just fine. So Tyler moves in. And again, in the beginning, it was great. Like, I loved being able to come home to someone and just have someone to watch TV with and eat dinner with. And it was kind of like that fairy tale that as little girls, oh, this is what we want. Like, that's what it was in the beginning.

[Hannah]

Yeah. And his work schedule was.

[Claudia]

I can't remember what job he had right when we first met, but shortly after that, he got a job at a bar, like a college bar. And he was in the kitchen. And so he would have to work late, but obviously the kitchen would close before the bar would close. And in the beginning, he would come home right after and I would usually wake up and we'd shower and have a beer or whatever and then go to bed, but we still were seeing each other enough. And then he started staying out a little bit later and going till after hours. But again, I just told myself, like, oh, it's, you know, he's gotta let off steam after. I've. I've worked in the restaurant industry. I know what it's like when you get off work. You gotta kind of let loose a little. So kind of overlooked that. But all in all, it was good. I was definitely supporting us, but that was fine. It was a tough time, though, because I wasn't taking a paycheck from the salon.

[Hannah]

Oh, man, he was so. He wasn't contributing at all.

[Claudia]

I mean, some, but the bills were all still in my name, you know, I mean, everything was in my name. The house was in my name. But, you know, all in all, it was good. And it was kind of that. I don't know, that it felt like one of those, like, sitcoms. Everybody was having fun. We would go out with our friends, we would go out with the staff of the salon. Everybody was really close. We all had parties and everybody really liked him. Everybody was really happy that I had seemingly finally found someone. And because of his military service, he said that the military required him to do PTSD support group every Monday at 2:00. And so he couldn't work Monday afternoons. You know, that was always off limits because he had to go to this PTSD support group, which I was super thankful that they were making him do this because, you know, he had talked about these stories about having to clear out villages and be shot at and, like, all these crazy things. So I was super thankful for that because my dad, actually, my dad and I were just having a conversation about how his PTSD has flared up a little again. And so mental health is super important to me. So he's in this support group. He goes every Monday at 2:00. And I. I don't ask questions because it's not my place to ask questions. I'm just thankful that he's getting help.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Claudia]

And so let's see, he probably moved in in October. By November, we decided to get a dog. Even though I had two cats. We decide he really wanted a dog. And I was like, okay, we'll have a menagerie. That's fine. It's fine. So we went, and just our luck, one of the local shelters had just gotten some very cute puppies. Terrier puppies. Super, super cute Terrier mix, obviously. But the person at the shelter totally lied to us. Neither one of us had ever had a dog. And they were like, oh, this is the perfect breed to start with.

[Molly]

Oh, not a terrier. Absolutely.

[Claudia]

No. They're like.

[Hannah]

Aren't they, like, very busy and then, like, strong, like.

[Claudia]

Yeah. And they also don't give a. Oh, you know what? They don't care. They're like, I'm gonna do my own thing. You want. You want me to go out in the rain? Uh, no, no, no. So we're like, oh, perfect. Like, neither one of us has had a dog. We're gonna start with this cute little terrier puppy. And so we bring the puppy home. We name her Chanel. She is super cute, but she is super ornery. And she is always like, mom, Dad, I don't give a f. You want me to go outside? You want me to do this? You want me to do that? No, fuck you. I'm gonna do what I want.

[Hannah]

She owns you.

[Claudia]

Yeah, she totally owned us, but she was a very sweet, loving dog.

[Hannah]

Were you both kind of like, this is our baby? Like, did it bond?

[Claudia]

You know, it was.

[Hannah]

It was totally early to get a dog.

[Claudia]

Yeah. Oh, well, again, you know, I.

[Hannah]

Hey, you are.

[Molly]

You're on a lesbian timeline for sure.

[Claudia]

I am. It was like I. I basically just owned the damn U haul. So again, moving at light speed, we get this.

[Hannah]

Yeah, you guys have a child now. Basically.

[Claudia]

Yeah. And then we just kind of went back to the normal, everyday life, dealing with the dog being seemingly happy. I don't know. Like, it was just. It was fine. There were moments where I kind of would get upset, like, you know, he wouldn't come home right away or whatever. But I kept telling myself, stop being crazy because he's allowed to have a life. And there were definitely a few arguments about that. And he would say basically those things like, you're being crazy. Crazy. We live together. We have a dog together. We've discussed marriage. I love you, but I need to have time with my friends too. And I was like, okay, I'm being psycho. Let's slow it down a little and let him do his thing. So then we start talking about marriage and how many months in? It was about nine months in. Okay. My parents met, were engaged by six weeks, married by six months. And then my mom passed away almost exactly one month prior to their 53rd wedding anniversary.

[Molly]

Wow.

[Hannah]

Oh, my goodness.

[Claudia]

Yeah.

[Molly]

So you've got that hopeless romantic.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Claudia]

So I also was like, well, my parents worked out moving at like lightning speed, so I might work out moving at lightning speed too. And I remember him, I think it was about the six month mark where he was like, so you know how soon is too soon to propose? Well, I don't know. And we talked about rings and stuff. But then it was about the like 8, 9 month mark when I was like, okay, it's coming. I feel it, it's coming. And he asked me to marry him and I say yes. And then I just get really excited because I'm like, oh, my God, I get to plan a wedding. And same thing with my mom. Like, she's so excited, her only daughter is getting married. We start planning the wedding. I mean, we are talking. This wedding could have happened in 1950. We were planning to get married in my church, which had the stained glass windows and the long aisle. I found this. Yeah, I mean, everything was super classic at the wedding. I distinctly remember, of course, my father's giving the father of the bride speech and he's talking about how proud he is that time. Tyler is military and a veteran just like him. And I remember when he spoke about the similarities between my father and Tyler, I looked at his brother and his brother just had this very puzzled look on his face. And I was like, oh, that's kind of weird. Oh, yeah. But again, I was like, okay. Like, it's my wedding day. We're just gonna do all the things. We're gonna have fun, we're gonna drink, we're gonna dance, and it's fine.

[Hannah]

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp, which I love, because there are many times when we feel like we can't be our full self. Like you're hiding behind a mask when you're in a relationship. Maybe that's not right for you or that's. I don't know. It could be really. It could be romantic. It could be anything. There's just a lot of experiences, no matter what stage you are in your life, that make you look inward and wonder if you're bringing your best self forward. And I think therapy makes a huge difference in that therapy can help you learn to accept all parts of yourself and then you can be yourself for everybody and bring. Bring that to your relationships, bring that to others. I feel like therapy is not just for us. It's for the people in our lives too. If you're a dog fish and you're listening, take Note of that. Please go to therapy. Anyway, I have used better help. It's been so helpful because it's. I shouldn't have used the word help so many times, but it has. Okay. It's just very convenient. I actually, I love telling the story. It's a little silly, but I have a boyfriend. And when I first started dating him, I was trying to find a new therapist. So I was using better help. And because I work, I couldn't go, except for on Saturdays. And I happened to, you know, maybe spend the night at his place. And it was maybe like the third time I'd ever spent the night there. And I slept in. Okay. And I had a better help appointment at like 11:30, and I was like, hey, can you leave so I can do this therapy intake appointment? So I kicked him out of his apartment so I could do better help from his place, which was a funny way to introduce myself to a new therapist. But their therapists were great. And so was the guy who is now my boyfriend because he was so supportive, understanding, and he went out and got coffee. So what more could you want do I recommend taking your better help appointment from a hookup? Maybe not, but you could because it's flexible, baby. But for real, it's nice that you can find a therapist that works for you, that you can change therapists within the app and you can really align them with what your. Your needs are if you want, like to see a woman specifically or whatever, you know, like, they help you find the perfect fit for you. And I've really benefited from therapy, man. I don't think I'd be able to show up on this podcast as myself without the support of, like, professional help. If you are thinking of starting therapy, I recommend giving better help a try. Because it's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible, suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So take off the mask with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com TDD today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.com TDD and this will be in the show notes.

[Molly]

Hi, Hannah. Hi, Molly.

[Hannah]

You're here to help me today with the ads.

[Molly]

Here I am. I have to tell you about this new company that I tried. I really love it, guys.

[Hannah]

Molly actually does really love this company, and I'm excited that she gets to talk about it with you too. Okay, tell me okay.

[Molly]

So the company is called Wild, and they do a bunch of products, but none of them have any plastics in them. And that is what I'm really excited about. I have been really trying to get some of the plastic out of my life ever since I learned that little pieces of plastic are like clothes clogging our arteries and causing strokes and heart attacks.

[Hannah]

We're all eating lots of plastic, guys.

[Molly]

We're all eating lots of plastic. So I've been trying to find ways to get the plastic out of my life, and I think Wild is a really great way to do this. So I've tried a couple of their products. I think my favorite is the chapstick, so.

[Hannah]

Oh, I need good chapstick. Cause I feel like a lot of chapstick dries me out more than it actually helps.

[Claudia]

Okay. Okay.

[Molly]

This is a great one. It's very. It's made with all natural ingredients. It's very moisturizing. They use shea butter and a bunch of other stuff, and it's amazing. And the really cool thing about it is you get this really nice case for the chapstick that you can use forever, and they just send you the little actual chapstick part to reload it. And so it's no plastic. It's refillable. And you get this, like, very nice, slick case that you can use forever and ever that's made out of metal, and it just, like, looks expensive. It's nice. You never have to throw it away. And you can just order a new little chapstick thing to put inside of it. And it smells. Smells so good. I have the Ocean mist one, and I love it. And then.

[Hannah]

Wait, I'm going on the website.

[Molly]

I love it. And they also do the same concept for body wash and deodorant. And all of their products are great. They make you smell good all day. They smell amazing. And they all come with these amazing holders that are. Look really nice in your bathroom or in your bag and are metal.

[Hannah]

And they're a very cute brand. Like, the packaging is really cute, and the fact that it's reusable and sustainable, all the better. I'm gonna get. I want the coconut and vanilla.

[Molly]

Oh, the co. I have that one, too. I have that in the deodorant. It smells so good.

[Hannah]

Okay, I'm gonna get it.

[Molly]

The deodorant is the cutest case. Like, I've never thought about what my deodorant looks like, but this comes with such a nice little. I'm, like, holding it up so Hannah.

[Hannah]

Can see Deodorant, it's very shiny. And it's shiny and nice and it's refillable, so that's that too. And the body wash. Okay, this is a good brand to know about.

[Molly]

The great thing about it is that they're not compromising on effectiveness. They're using natural ingredients without compromising. And you can have less plastic in your life. It ships worldwide, so you can get wild wherever you are. Every time you refill your case, you will save 30 grams of plastic from going into the landfill. They have seven great selling scents and subscription options for convenience, so you can get them right to your door and receive regular refills on your body wash, chapstick, deodorant, anything you want.

[Hannah]

And we have a code.

[Molly]

And we have a code. And we have a code. Hannah's helping me. Okay, go wild today with 20% off your first order. When you use code TD20 at checkout, go to We Are Wild.com/forward/us and use code TD20 at checkout for 20% off or simply click the link in the episode description. Enjoy.

[Claudia]

I think it was a few days later that I finally kind of got the courage to say something to him about his brother's reaction. And he was like, oh, I thought I had told you. And he may have, I don't know, but he was like, when I deployed, I didn't want my mom to worry because you know how she is. And I did. So he didn't tell his mom or anyone in his family that he deployed because he didn't want to worry them. I believed it hook, line, and sinker. So we just went on with our time. I think I even told my parents, like, hey, don't mention military service. Like, his time abroad. Yeah, the deployment, because we. We know how his mom is and. And they went along with it as well. And so in the beginning, everything was good outside of little normal spats. And then he definitely started to back away about, I don't know, maybe two months into marriage. He was doing a lot more of the spend time with his friends. He had to have a life himself. And it was right around this time, too, that some friends of mine owned a bunch of car dealerships. And so I helped him get a job in the sales department. And so now he was more gainfully employed. And he was great at it because, again, everybody loved Tyler. Like, he's just fun charmer, funny and charming and like, life of the party. So he is making new friends at the car dealership. We start hanging out with a bunch of them. One of my really good friends ends up getting a job there. So we all would have these fun game nights and this and that. And that's when we meet Adam, who was the head of the department. Adam and his, at that point in time, just girlfriend. We would spend a lot of time with them. Super, super fun. Loved her. We would just do things like game nights and potlucks and just normal things that groups of couples would do.

[Hannah]

I mean, you're still in the sitcom era. Like you said earlier, it's like the friends. Exactly true. Everybody wants that classic sitcom, adult friendships.

[Claudia]

And it felt so fun. So I overlooked some of the times. And, you know, everybody always says there are going to be good times and bad times in a marriage. No marriage is perfect. There are sometimes going to be bad years. But if you love the person, you keep at it. So I just overlooked our arguments and just chalked it up to, well, we're married, we love each other. We're. We're gonna have spats. But then, like I said, he started not being around quite as much. And he ended up. He had been going to drill, like, for the reserves in one town, and now he was going to another one. It went from being 45 minutes away to like an hour and 15 minutes away.

[Molly]

Could you explain that really fast? The reserves just for people who might not know.

[Claudia]

Oh, yeah. So for those that aren't familiar with the military and how drill works, when you're in the reserves, you technically are in the army, but you're not doing it day in and day out. So you go once a month for a weekend. It's typically Saturday and Sunday, and you do different things. You work on whatever job is your job in the army you will do practice for if you were to get deployed. You're basically. You're brushing up training. Yeah. To make sure that you are ready to go if you end up getting called to active duty. And so he would always, in the beginning, he would go Saturday morning first thing, super early. He would come back Saturday evening and then go do it again on Sunday. Well, when he switched to the other location, that was further away. In the beginning, he was going and coming back and going and coming back. But then he started to be like, you know, it's just putting a lot of miles on the car and it's just easier. I'm so tired. I'm just going to start staying there with the other guys. And while I wasn't happy about that, and that definitely caused some fights sometimes, again, military family, I'm like Well, this is just what we do. So then we decide that we're going to have kids. I never really wanted children, but seeing some of my friends have them, you know, we're in our 30s at this point. I was like, okay, maybe I can. So he brought it to you? Yeah. Like, he was very much like, it's important for me to. I want children. This, that, and the other. And I think by that point, I was already kind of starting to be like, maybe I do want kids. Like I said, a bunch of my friends had them. I was like, start trying. So we end up getting pregnant in July. I make it five, six weeks, and I miss Gary.

[Hannah]

Oh.

[Claudia]

And I am heartbroken because I just. I think at that point, I thought, this is going to fix all the things. I mean, as cliched as it sounds and as crazy as it may sound to other people, you really do think, oh, we'll have something else to focus on, and that love will fix things. And so I had really talked myself into being like, this is what I want. And so when I miscarried, I mean, it was. It was really awful.

[Hannah]

I'm so sorry.

[Claudia]

We waited another two months before we decided to start trying again. My doctor gave me the A okay, and we did the thing. And I'll never forget, it was the night before we were supposed to go tailgate with a bunch of our friends and go to this college football game. And I was like, I don't feel good, and I haven't felt good. I better take a test. And so I went in and I took the test, and, oh, boy, that was. It was positive.

[Hannah]

You're like, I'm not playing pong tomorrow. I'm not taking.

[Claudia]

I was like, well, I guess tailgating is going to be totally different tomorrow. And so I wake Tyler up because he was asleep, wake him up, and I tell him, and he is super excited. So we're pregnant. We are doing better again, because, again, this is something new. So he is being a little more attentive, and we go to our first doctor's appointment. We have a really bad experience because the nurse practitioner is basically telling me that because I'm overweight, I'm going to have a really difficult pregnancy. I am probably going to get gestational diabetes. I need to eat only organic, like, all these things. And I am just panicking. And he actually did stand up for me at that moment. And so that was another glimmer of, okay, we're doing good things here. This is going to get better.

[Molly]

That's horrible. And It's. I'm working on another show right now about the medical field and women being gaslit in the medical field. And it's really horrible how doctors treat plus size, specifically women.

[Hannah]

Yeah, yeah.

[Molly]

That. It's like something is wrong with you.

[Hannah]

Or that's always the diagnosis. It's like, well, you're overweight, so.

[Molly]

So that's your.

[Claudia]

It's like, I love that.

[Molly]

And it's so dehumanizing. It feels so dehumanizing.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Claudia]

Yeah. And you know, I mean, it put the fear of God in me at that point, because I had already miscarried once and there was straight fear. I mean, fortunately, it was a really easy pregnancy. So I am at this point just being like, just head down. We're. We're gonna get through this. And then it was right around that same time that I open up my Facebook. And you know how when you get a message from someone that you're not from friends with, it would go into that other folder and I noticed that it's got messages and so I decided to look at it. And it had been a couple days since the message had been sent, but it is this random girl and she is asking if Tyler is my husband and if we are getting a divorce because her friend has been hanging out with Tyler and they just so happen to live in the same town that his drill weekends are.

[Hannah]

Oh, boy.

[Claudia]

And Tyler had told her friend that he was in the process of a divorce and his soon to be ex wife was terrible and blah, blah, blah, all this.

[Hannah]

Oh, and this friend is a sleuthy.

[Claudia]

Who is this friend is.

[Hannah]

Let me check on this.

[Claudia]

Yeah, this friend clearly went to DB University and like, is like, uh, no.

[Hannah]

No, no, no, no.

[Claudia]

Okay, I'm checking this guy out.

[Hannah]

How did you feel when you read that?

[Claudia]

I. I think I stopped breathing. In all honesty, I think I stopped breathing because there had definitely been moment, you know, like with the staying out late and this and that, that I was like, is he cheating on me? But I kept telling myself, you're being crazy. And anytime I would kind of even dance around it, I would get gaslit till next Tuesday. You know, you're being crazy. This is all because you don't feel good about yourself. Like all this stuff.

[Hannah]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Claudia]

Because I'm an open book. And so I had basically given him a roadmap on how to gaslight the ever living hell out of me. But this time was different, obviously, because I. I had this knowledge. So I read it. I'm pretty sure I. It took Me at least a minute to start breathing again. And I'm shaking and my heart is pounding out of my chest. And I reply, we are absolutely not getting a divorce. But, yes, Tyler is my husband and I'm pregnant with his child. So I don't totally remember whether I ever heard back from her or not, but I mentioned it to him and again, got gaslit. Oh. You know, no, it's not me. It's so and so. Just the normal BS of. Oh, like, they're just crazy. She's. The girls hang out all over us because, you know, we're military uniform.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Claudia]

I didn't totally believe him because the girl was pretty. I mean, I could tell. Yeah, she. She was a friend to this other girl. But at the same time, keep in mind, I was raised by Martha. My mom was. I always used to call her Martha Stewart, minus the jail time. Great way to describe it.

[Hannah]

And she, like, you make it work.

[Claudia]

Yeah. I mean, I never told anyone about it until much, much later.

[Hannah]

Sure. Because once you tell people, you know, they're going to hold you and him accountable.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

And. And you're not ready for that. I get it.

[Claudia]

And I was embarrassed. Like, I'm supposed to be this boss ass bitch, you know, Like, I own my own business, I bought my own house. You know, all these things. Like I'm. You're pregnant with his kid, and I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant with his child. Also, my parents are older. My dad is 85 now, so obviously I come from parents where you make things work, you stay quiet. It's very Mad Men. Right? You.

[Hannah]

Yes.

[Claudia]

You just.

[Hannah]

We don't talk about that.

[Claudia]

That's for your exact.

[Hannah]

Yeah, right.

[Claudia]

That is not. That is not for the public. You just make it work. You do better. And I. I remember starting to be like, well, this is because I nag him. Or this is, you know, because I stopped making dinner every night. All these things. Yeah. Totally my fault. So we just kind of brush that out of the way. And then during the time I'm pregnant, we are super, super busy trying to get, you know, the room ready. And I'm just ignoring that Facebook message. I am just pretending like it didn't happen.

[Molly]

Is the message in the back of your mind all the time or were you really able to let it go?

[Claudia]

I mean, I think it was probably in the back of my mind for most of it, but I'm also great at shoving things down and pretending like they don't exist.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Claudia]

So it was probably there, but I wasn't going to allow it to take over. I was too busy. There was one other thing that was maybe a red flag, but at the time, didn't feel super weird. While I was pregnant. We were just out. We were downtown. I don't remember what we were doing. Maybe we were going to get something to eat. We were walking down the street, we run into this guy, and Tyler's like, oh, hey, dude, what's going on? And dude's like, oh, hey. And it's a little awkward. He's not introducing me. And I'm like, this is kind of weird, but okay. And so I was like, oh, hi, I'm Claudia. And he's just like, oh, hi. Doesn't say his name. They, like, are like, oh, well, see you later. Okay. It was all very, very odd. And so as we're walking away, I'm like, who was that guy? He's like, oh, he's just a dude from my PTSD support group. But we kind of go with anonymity because of, you know, you don't know, any situation.

[Hannah]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Claudia]

So he was like, that's why I didn't introduce you. I was like, okay. Didn't think anything of it. So it wasn't a huge thing at the time, but it will come back into play. So just, you know, keep that in your back pocket for later.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Claudia]

So they schedule me for an induction at 39 weeks, and I have my baby girl, and she is so perfect. It was the most amazing moment. And after my daughter was out, I just remember Tyler's holding our baby girl, and she's so perfect. And. And I just. I mean, I was like, this is gonna fix it.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Claudia]

Like, I really thought, looking at him holding her, I was like, this is it. Like, we're gonna be okay.

[Hannah]

Because how can anyone hold their newborn child with their wife?

[Claudia]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

And betray you?

[Claudia]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

I don't get it.

[Claudia]

I don't get it either. So we walk out with the baby, and the first couple days are great. Then about a week in, he's not really doing very much. He's back at work. I'm doing all the things. And I know a lot of people are like, well, that's like a traditional. You know, the man really doesn't. And I was like, no. But, like, no, that was not the agreement we had.

[Hannah]

Right.

[Claudia]

So another week or two passes. It's getting even worse. He basically would come home, say hi, give her a kiss, open the fridge, grab a beer, go outside on the front porch and sit and smoke cigarettes and drink beers and Be on his phone. Love that. And I was like, this.

[Hannah]

Love that for you.

[Claudia]

Yeah. This is not what I signed up for, but okay, push it out of the way. Keep moving. A couple months after the birth, our friend from the car dealership, Adam, is getting married, and Tyler is a groomsman in the wedding. The wedding is like an hour and a half away. We're like, okay, we're gonna spend the night there. My parents and my cousin are gonna watch my daughter. We've got it all figured out. He has to go the night before because he's in the wedding. So he goes the night before. I stay at home, I pack baby girl up, take her over to my parents, drop her off with my parents, and then I get ready and drive to where the wedding is at. And it was in this, like, really cool, rustic barn because, again, this was at the time when, like, everybody was getting married in a barn.

[Hannah]

And I bet you're so excited to have a night with your husband.

[Claudia]

I was so excited to have a night with my husband. I was so excited to have a night with our friend group. I was like, okay, this is going to be great. I miss my baby girl already, but we're going to. We're going to have fun. So bunch of our friends are all kind of standing there before the wedding. Tyler comes up. He's looking so good in his suit. And I'm like, oh, that's my man. And I'm feeling myself, because, again, two and a half months after a baby is born, I'm really starting to feel myself a little bit. And I give him a hug and a kiss. And I think that's about the time that I realize he's not wearing his wedding ring. And I was like, where's your ring? And he goes, oh, I must have forgotten to put it on. After I washed my hands when I was getting ready, I was like, well, that's not cool. But okay. So the ceremony starting. Adam and his now wife get married. Beautiful service. They super, super fun wedding just in general. I pull him aside, and I'm like, dude, seriously, we're at a wedding. We're at a wedding where we're watching our friends commit themselves to each other. And you don't remember to wear your wedding ring? And he was just like, well, I just forgot. Like, there was a lot going on. Okay, fine. So a little bit later, I noticed that he's getting pretty drunk, and then he's very drunk, and then he's hitting on a bridesmaid right in front of me.

[Molly]

Oh, my God. Shut up.

[Hannah]

This guy.

[Claudia]

Yeah. To the point where my friends. Like, my one very good friend's boyfriend was like, I'm gonna fucking kill him. Like, what the fuck?

[Hannah]

And what were you doing?

[Claudia]

And I'm just staring.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Claudia]

And so I have to calm my friend's boyfriend down. I go over, and I'm like, hi. Can we talk? And we go outside, and I unleash. And I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? Did you forget I was here? Did you get so drunk that you forgot your wife was here and you decided to hit on a bridesmaid? And he's like, that's not what I was doing. Like, I was just being friendly. And I was like, no, we all saw it. I was like, I'm fucking going home. You stay at the hotel. I will talk to you tomorrow. And I apologized to Adam and his wife, like, just was like, I can't be here.

[Hannah]

Oh, my gosh.

[Claudia]

So as I'm driving home, I'm crying when I was. I mean, to be honest with you, it was kind of like blind rage.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Claudia]

Like, I was rage driving, and I was angry, and I was like, I'm fucking done. I don't want to do this anymore. Like, I need to stop lying to myself. I just don't want to do it anymore. And everything was going through my head. Like, the Facebook messages, all the times when I thought he was cheating and being gaslit.

[Hannah]

And it's like a movie montage.

[Claudia]

Yeah, it was kind of the last draw.

[Hannah]

MacKenzie often with her PI stuff. Some people know that their partner is cheating, and they hire her just because they need to see it. And that's such a real thing. And I hate that you had to sit there and kind of watch his.

[Claudia]

Behavior, but I wish I had had MacKenzie prior to that wedding. I call my mom. I tell her I'm on my way, and she's like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, I'll tell you when I get home. So I pull in, they had already obviously put baby girl to bed. I start talking to my mom and my cousin, and I'm like, tell them what I just saw at the wedding, that he was super drunk and hitting on a bridesmaid right in front of me. And I'm like, I can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I want a divorce. And my dad was like, well, we'll deal with this in the morning. And my mom is like, well, yeah, you just go be with your baby. You know, trying to be Calming and everything. So wake up the next morning and my dad starts making phone calls. He has a bunch of attorney friends that are all law professors, so they don't practice. So he's like, who do we call?

[Hannah]

Ugh. Dad's handling it.

[Claudia]

Dad is handling it. And we get the name of supposedly the best high conflict divorce attorney. And it was a Sunday, and somehow I had a meeting with her Monday morning. And so then Tyler calls me, and I'm just like, I. I don't want to do this anymore. I want a fucking divorce. You're scum. You're a piece of shit. I know. I know you've been cheating on me. And I know you gaslit the shit out of me. Like, I am angry. I'm yelling into the phone. And I'm not acting very ladylike.

[Hannah]

I'm not demure at not mindful, nor do I think you should have been sounded.

[Molly]

No, this is not a moment for demure.

[Claudia]

I am a feral hood rat at this moment.

[Hannah]

Like, hold me back.

[Claudia]

Yeah. I'm just like, you're gonna get the fuck out of my house. Because the house was in my name. I was like, you are. We're fucking done. And I was like, do you have anything to say for yourself? He was like, I just feel like I've changed and I just don't want the same thing anymore. And I was like, okay, you're a piece of shit. And I was like.

[Hannah]

And he didn't deny it. Yeah.

[Molly]

Wow.

[Claudia]

You couldn't this time.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Claudia]

And so I'm like, I will meet you at the house at such and such time. I'll see you there. So I called Jack and I'm like, I need help. This is what happened. And he's like, we will meet you there. You're gonna meet him there because I don't want you there alone. He was like, I'm gonna spend the next couple hours. I'm gonna go get you a new lock for your front door. I'm going to go get all the things we need to do to make your house safe. Drive out there. And my friends are there, my business partners are there. Tyler shows up with his tail basically between his legs, grabs some stuff and leaves so that I'm like, okay, I have a shitty. I have a shitty husband. It happens all the time, right? Women get cheated on all the time.

[Hannah]

So doesn't make it easier. But you have a good attitude. You're like, we're gonna get through this.

[Claudia]

I'm like, I have to get through this. I have a newborn I have a menagerie of pets. I have a business. Like, I have. I have to get through this, and I just have to stay strong, and I just have to get up every morning and do the things. So that Monday morning, we go meet with the attorney. She's like, you're gonna do X, Y, Z. She was like, the first thing you're gonna do is you're gonna get a notebook and you're gonna write down any interaction you have with him. She was like, I don't want you doing it electronically. It needs to be handwritten. Cool.

[Hannah]

Wow. We've talked about this before. Just at any points in relationships, just keeping the log. I don't know if it is a definite foolproof thing, but it doesn't hurt to have timestamp.

[Molly]

Yeah, write it down. Write it down.

[Claudia]

And apparently, it does matter that it's handwritten and not typed. So I get a notebook. I get that ready. The next thing she told me I needed to do was to open my own bank account and move the money. So I'm like, okay. So later that afternoon, I go to my bank branch. I talk to my banker and kind of give him a little bit of a rundown as to what's going on. And he's like, all right, let's get you a new bank account. I get that set up, we move the money over, and he assures me Tyler can't get to this bank account. All these things, like, okay. So now I'm feeling pretty good. I'm feeling. Oh, I mean, as good as you can, you know? Like, I'm like, okay, I've checked off all the stuff she told me to do. We're good. He can't take all my money. So he then calls me and is like, I need to get more stuff. So this is like, the next day or two days later, I'm like, okay, I will meet you there at such and such time. I drive out there, and again, business partners meet me out there again. Because no one's letting me be alone with this guy.

[Hannah]

I'm so glad to hear that. I was.

[Claudia]

Yeah, yeah. Because keep in mind, like, we just didn't know. Like, there were those red flags that we started seeing. So we were like, what is he capable of? We don't know. And so I was not allowed to be alone with him at all. They come out. He takes Chanel because I'm like, I can't handle a job. My. The cats, a baby, all the things. I can't handle all of it. I'm one person and so he decides he's gonna take Chanel. And then when he comes to see the baby, and I. You know, I can see Chanel. He can see the baby. Cool. So I am sobbing when he took her. You know, I packed up all her stuff. We had had a moment before he came, and I love you, baby girl. You know, I'm gonna see you soon. You know, I'm telling her all the things. And so he comes, he gets more of his stuff. He takes her and drives off. And two days later, I have to go into the bank because banker needs me to do something. So I go in, and he's like, what's your dog's name again? And I was like, chanel. And he's like, and she's a terrier. I'm like, yeah. And he's like, I saw her on a rescue site. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. And he pulls up the site, and there's.

[Molly]

She is psychotic.

[Hannah]

Oh, my God.

[Claudia]

Yeah. And the date of intake is the date he picked her up.

[Hannah]

So he drove straight to.

[Claudia]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

Okay.

[Claudia]

So I'm like, well, I have to go get her. And he's like, it says pending adoption. And I'm like, oh, my God. I. I guess I just let that happen because I can't take care of her. It's taking everything in me to get out of bed every day to take care of my child and my business, and I just don't have it in me. And I'm like, she will have a better life with that other family, because that rescue, you basically have to sign away your life to adopt. So I'm like, I know they did their duty. You know, I'm like, she's going to have a good life. And. And Chanel, if you're out there, like, I hope you had a great life.

[Hannah]

Oh, Claudia.

[Claudia]

But so, I mean, I'm sobbing, and I'm just like, I don't understand. And I think that's about the time that I texted Adam, because Adam and I were. You know, he was being sweet, and he was, like, checking in on me and making sure that I was okay. Cause he knew all hell was breaking loose. And I was like, tyler took Chanel to the rescue. And he was like, say what now? And I was like, I just saw her, like, go check the website. And he's like, oh, my God. So I'm like, okay, so we're dealing with a complete sociopath like you. You give up your dog. You hit on a woman. A woman right in front of Your wife, Like, this is straight crazy. I wish that was as crazy as it got because that following weekend, one of my girlfriends was getting married. I was gonna do her hair, and I was planning on going to the wedding at this point, but I was like, I'm. I'm not super happy about it because the last wedding I went to didn't go so well. But we're gonna just try. Cause I love. I love this girl. And we're going to do it. But as I was driving the 20 minutes from the house to the salon, I get a call from Adam. And he's like, we need to talk. Can you talk? And I'm like, yeah. I'm like, I'm driving. You've got 20 minutes. So he tells me that his wife's friend, who was the bridesmaid, had reached out to them to tell them that she couldn't believe what a psycho Tyler's ex, or soon to be ex wife was. Because Tyler had told her that he was super heartbroken because his soon to be ex, AKA me, had dropped his dog off at the shelter without him getting to say goodbye.

[Hannah]

Oh, my God. I almost. I'm laughing because he's so crazy.

[Claudia]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

He's like flirting this with this.

[Claudia]

Yeah. Oh, totally not. Like, I was like, who the fuck? Like, what? And of course Adam, because I had already. When he had checked in on me, I had already told him that Tyler was taking Chanel. Adam was like, let me stop you right there. That's not. That's not how that happened at all. And that's when Adam said he realized that Tyler was psychotic and there was no end to the lies. And so Adam was like, I need you to know what I know.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Claudia]

And I was like, there's more. And he was like, oh, yeah. And he was like, no. He was like, tyler told me that you knew about a lot of this, but I'm now getting the feeling you don't, so let's talk. And I was like, okay. How I did not wreck the car, I do not know. But it started with that he had a spank bank, like a secret folder on his laptop full of pictures of scantily clad or possibly other types of, you know, birthday suit wearing girls. Because he had been on all the. All the sites. Yeah. So there were a lot of girls.

[Hannah]

And I guess you don't know. You don't know if he was with them or if he just got sent.

[Claudia]

No idea at this point. No idea.

[Hannah]

And he showed Adam this. He was like, look how cool this is, bro.

[Claudia]

Yeah.

[Molly]

So.

[Claudia]

Yeah. And so I'm like, well, that sucks. But, I mean, obviously he's a cheater, so.

[Molly]

Yeah, right.

[Claudia]

That's, you know. Okay, that. That sucks.

[Molly]

But expected.

[Claudia]

I can deal with that. Yeah. And then he tells me that while I was pregnant before I had our daughter, but I was pretty far along, a girl had come into the car dealership with twins. Babies. Infants. Newborns. Yeah. And was saying that Tyler was the dad and she wanted him to take a private paternity test. She has, like, one that you would buy at, like, cvs, Walgreens, wherever, fraternity test. Because she needs to know if her twins are his. So she's like, yeah. He's like, I don't want to take it on. On the sales floor. Can I go in the bathroom to swab? And she says, yes. And then he goes in the bathroom and texts his buddy to come down and take the test for. For Tyler. So dude trots down from the sales office into the men's bathroom, and he swabs. And now this is what Adam told me they told him.

[Hannah]

So he does this and then brags about it. Is the second layer of my.

[Molly]

Well, Tyler told Adam about this.

[Claudia]

Yeah. Well, and Adam saw some of it. But then Tyler filled Adam in. So.

[Hannah]

So Adam. And Adam thinks you know all this.

[Claudia]

Adam thinks I know all this because Tyler told Adam. Oh, Claudia knows. She's really embarrassed about it. We're working through things, so please just don't mention it to her because I don't want her to think everybody knows. And so Adam said he thought he was being a good friend by pretending like none of it was happening.

[Molly]

Oh, my God.

[Claudia]

Yeah. But Adam was like, after the Chanel thing, he was like, I just knew. You knew nothing, and you deserve to know. And so this is about the time I'm, like, pulling into the garage at the salon, and I'm like, I have to go. I have to do my friend's hair for her wedding. I'm, like, crying. I'm. I feel a panic attack coming on. I go in the back door of the salon, and I just fall apart. And my friends are like, what? And I'm just, like, through tears and hyperventilation just telling them. And that's when one of my friends was like, we're going to give you a chill pill because I'm a little nervous, because, I mean, I was like, on the ground, head between the knees, hyperventilating, could not function. And I was like, I have to do my friend's hair, so get her hair done. But look at her. And I'm like, girl, I ain't going to your wedding.

[Molly]

No, it's not happening today.

[Hannah]

Bad juju for a wedding. You're like, you don't want this energy.

[Molly]

Yeah, true.

[Claudia]

No, no. So I'm like, well, it can't get any worse, right? It can't get any worse than my daughter potentially has siblings that we will never know about because we don't know this girl's name or really anything about her.

[Hannah]

Yeah. And I'm sure he's not going to tell you. Deny, deny, deny.

[Claudia]

Yeah, it can't get worse. But, oh, it actually truly can because that's when all of the bombs started dropping, one right after another. Jack sat me down two weeks after the call with Adam and told me that he had some information that I needed to know about Tyler. So he pulls me aside one day and he's like, you need to sit down. We need. We need to talk. I then come to find out that Jack has spoken to a friend of his who can find out things about, you know, legal troubles. And we come to find out that he has been charged with inappropriate contact with minors prior to me meeting.

[Hannah]

I need to, like, take a lap right now.

[Claudia]

Yeah, yeah. So, yeah. So imagine being Jack being like, how do I tell the girl that's like my little sister that her soon to be ex husband, but the person that she's been sleeping next to for the past four and a half years is literally a criminal. He had spoken to someone he knows on very good authority, and he looked it up. I then go and look it up because I figured out how to do that. Google is a great thing. And so I go on to the judicial criminal site and type in all of his information and there it pops up. Inappropriate contact with minors.

[Hannah]

Was he, like, convicted? Like, what happened?

[Claudia]

Yeah. So what turns out, what we know is that he was texting with a teenage girl and the texts got inappropriate and the parents found them and called the police, and the police did an investigation and charged him. And I think he pled guilty and made a deal and pled guilty to inappropriate contact with minors. And then we found out that he had been looked into for a similar situation a second time, but there hadn't been enough to charge him with it.

[Hannah]

Were either of these during your marriage?

[Claudia]

So I don't know about that second one. Yeah, I do know for a fact the first one was prior. And now I'm realizing, oh, that's why. That's why he had to tell his parents. No, look, it was A big mistake. Look, I'm dating a woman that's six years older. I don't like teenage girls. It's a big mistake. I was just being friendly. I was just being nice. I'm moving in with this woman that's six. Six years older than me.

[Hannah]

Oh, my God. I didn't even put that together.

[Claudia]

Yeah, I did.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Claudia]

And I was like, so is any of it ru. And to this day, I truly don't know, because that is not the only thing. Then I come to find out that his PTSD support group. He had not been going to PTSD support group every Monday. And I know what you're probably. You're probably thinking, like, oh, he was hooking up with someone every. Every Monday at 2:00pm no, no, no. I. I wish. That would have been great. No, no. He was going to a sexual offender program that was court ordered, and he was going every. Every Monday at 2:00pm yeah.

[Hannah]

Oh, my God.

[Claudia]

So I'm like, huh? Because when I found out about the charges, I started going through all the paperwork that he had left at the house because I thought, if he was lying about this, what else was he lying about? I start going through paperwork that he had left. I was sitting on the floor, and I found a big folder with a bunch of paperwork. I'm sitting on the floor. I just. I just remember having it all, like, spread out in front of me. And that's when I found his DD 214, which is like your exit paperwork from the military. And I was like, what am I reading? He hadn't deployed. He had never been active duty. There's no. No overseas days. There is nothing that shows active duty. It is all showing reserves. I didn't know what to think at that point. There was nothing. No overseas. No. No nothing.

[Hannah]

It's so disgusting. And I can't imagine how you felt finding that out, given the respect you have for your grandparents and dad.

[Claudia]

And while I know now that it is not exactly stolen valor, it is damn close and it's wild. But that's one of the things that, like, pisses me off the most because there are so many men and women out there that have fought for our country and risked their lives for our country. And to know that he was getting that praise and all that when he didn't do any of it, it's just disgusting.

[Hannah]

He used it to manipulate everyone.

[Claudia]

He used it to manipulate all of us into thinking that he was this shining guy. And I mean, my dad, like, my dad, they would have so many conversations over a Bourbon. Like, so many conversations. And, you know, he would tell my dad stories, and my dad would tell him stories and. Yeah, he made stories up.

[Molly]

Like, he made up stories about Afghanistan.

[Claudia]

Oh, yeah. Probably stories that he heard in movies or, you know. Cause he was obsessed with watching all of the movies about wartime and stuff.

[Hannah]

Like that, which now I know why.

[Claudia]

Yeah, he probably would just, like, keep them together. And again, like I. Like I've said before, every time I would think, like, this is as bad as it gets, then, you know, you find all these, like, worksheets and stuff that are from his sexual offender program where he's saying things like, oh, you know, when I feel triggered by a situation, I. I turn to my wife, I go home, and I talk to her about it, and we talk about everything. And then she makes it all better and all these lies. And that's when I realized, like, oh, those people at his program think I know. Yeah, they think I know. And I don't. I just remember sitting there thinking, like, this is really fucking happening. I married a criminal without knowing it. I thought I was marrying a veteran. Turns out I married a stolen valor criminal.

[Hannah]

The fact when you were like, I wish it was just cheating.

[Claudia]

Yeah.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

It's like.

[Claudia]

Well, it's like this is the least of my worries now. When I was looking at all the papers and I was seeing all this sex offender stuff, and I was just really creeped out, it made me remember about when we ran into this guy on the street and Tyler was being really cagey. Didn't think anything of it until finding all that paperwork. And now you're like, oh, cool. Yeah, sex offender. Yay.

[Hannah]

Cool, cool, cool.

[Claudia]

Yeah. And so I'm realizing all of this at this moment, like, he doesn't care and all he wants to do is protect his lies. And so that's when I started to feel like I had a little bit of a leg up. And I was just like, nah, bitch, you're not getting my money. You're not getting my kid. You're not getting. Getting anything. Because I'm like, you will lie about anything and everything. So I tell my attorney, you know, he never deployed. He has a criminal history that re. Because not only that, when I looked it all up, he had possession of stolen goods. He. His rap sheet was pretty long.

[Hannah]

Yeah. Chapters.

[Claudia]

And none of it was major except for the inappropriate contact with minors. But, oh, yeah, I was like, I.

[Hannah]

Mean, yeah, the divorce. I imagine that is the only silver lining is that this custody battle is not going to be too.

[Claudia]

Yeah. Well, and so that's the fun part. My attorney's like, if he's not trying to see her, we're not discussing custody because a judge in this area will make him see her. So. Oh, yeah. And then I'm like, well, I have a conversation with him and I'm like, well, will you give up rights to her? Because I know X, Y. I'm like, this is what I know. I'm like, tyler, I know that you were charged, so would you want someone like you around your daughter? And. And he. This is where I was like, are you fuck. He goes, no, no, I wouldn't. And I was like, so if you don't want someone like you around your daughter, why should I want someone like you around my daughter? I was like, you're staying the fuck away from us.

[Hannah]

Oh, my God.

[Claudia]

And I mean, there was so much rage at that time. And that's why I kind of like jump around because everything was happening at once. Like, it's not like there was this easy timeline because all the bombs were just dropping right and left and. And this all happened within a month.

[Hannah]

Do you feel like he light switched, became a different person? Because it sounds like this all up until now, he was so charming and you kept saying everybody liked him, and now he's just like a stone wall. Like, what was that like, to see a new man, basically?

[Claudia]

I mean, it was confusing for me because he. I just didn't. I don't know. I did not know. I would look at him and it was a stranger. I was like, who have I been sleeping next to? You are not even remotely the man I knew. And there were so many times where I was just like, I. I don't know you. And I. I feel like I'm in an out of body experience. So the divorce is finalized in February of 2016. He gets nothing except for what he came in with and his clothes and I get everything else. So I'm like, cool, we are done. The way we'll kind of end with Tyler is he's remarried and they have a daughter.

[Hannah]

Ugh.

[Claudia]

And there have been so many times where I'm like, I need to tell her. She deserves to know, but I'm always gonna be the crazy lying ex, right? He is such a good gaslighter. He is so smooth. And.

[Hannah]

And now he's older and wiser. He knows not to get drunk without his wedding ring. His wedding wing.

[Claudia]

Exactly. He. He learned. He learned from learned. And, you know, part of me is like, well, maybe like, does she even know? And I'M like, well, maybe like his family. But no, you know how, like, in that one where the family was lying. This family.

[Hannah]

I wrote that down because I don't understand how people can do that, how that brother could sit there and be like, why?

[Claudia]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

Talking about. No, like, nobody tells you.

[Claudia]

Well, when I finally did go to his sister, because she and I had a pretty good relationship, I finally did go to her about the inappropriate contact, the fact that he's in a Feeba file, and she was like, it's just a mistake. It was just a mistake. He told us it was just a mistake.

[Hannah]

Oh, of course he did. And it got. He gathered them to.

[Molly]

He's using court mandated classes for sex offenders. Like it wasn't a mistake.

[Claudia]

No. But that's when I also kind of realized the family that, like, I mean, I always knew they were, but I was like, no, they're not. Mm. Mm. Nope.

[Hannah]

They're victims of his child.

[Claudia]

Yeah, but they're also.

[Hannah]

But they're.

[Claudia]

They're. They're not. I don't like calling them a victim of it because they. They're complicit in it. Like, they allow him to do this. And by saying things like, oh, no, it was just a mistake. And I'm like, no, I'm telling you, I have seen and spoken. It was not a mistake. And she's just like, well, he's my brother and I love him and I'm gonna support him. And I was like, well, oh, that's.

[Molly]

And he did it again. And he did it again.

[Claudia]

Yeah. I battle with, do I tell his current wife? And I just basically was like, I have a mug that says, not my circus, not my monkeys.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

Yep. We say that. We say that.

[Claudia]

But I have protected my daughter, and hopefully she figures it out.

[Molly]

I think that's really fair, especially because he's like, he could be dangerous, and you have to protect yourself and your kid, and you don't want to bring his crap back into your circle by talking to her. I mean, everyone can make their own decision about if they want to tell the next person or not. That's your own decision. And I think either way you choose, it's up to you. Nobody can judge you for that.

[Claudia]

I just feel like it oftentimes goes very poorly, at least in the beginning. But I have. I mean, I took pictures and printed them out of all that paperwork. I found his DD214. All of the paperwork from his sex offender classes, Literally anything and everything.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Claudia]

And I have that locked away in a safety deposit box.

[Hannah]

No one reaches out to you. His new wife, his.

[Claudia]

If. If she were to reach out to me, I would tell her everything I know. Yeah, but again, I don't think she knows I exist. I don't think she knows our daughters.

[Hannah]

I wonder. That's so crazy.

[Claudia]

I highly doubt his family. I mean, sweep it under the rug, pretend like it didn't happen. Start again. Yeah, you know, go ahead. A little bit of a happy ending.

[Molly]

Yes, give us the happy ending.

[Claudia]

So now it's just me and my daughter. And honestly, we are doing amazing. I sold the old townhouse. I built a new one that is perfect for us. My daughter got a pink room. It is. It is the perfect house.

[Hannah]

I bet y'all are like the tightest, cutest mother daughter duo.

[Claudia]

I joke that we're kind of like Gilmore Girls.

[Hannah]

I was just gonna say, yeah, and.

[Claudia]

We'Ve just started watching Gilmore Girls. Cause she's nine now. Yes. She's like, this is great. I was like, this is us. This is our future. But Tyler had agreed to let my daughter change her last name to mine. And I wanted to wait until she got a little bit older. But when? In 2023, February of 2023, my mom fell. And she had been battling a number of things, including dementia, and she fell and my dad had to call an ambulance. And that was kind of the beginning of the end for her. And during this time, my attorney and I were doing crossing all the I's, dotting all the T's. We got a date for my daughter's court hearing to get her last name changed, set for May of 2023. Unfortunately, my mom passed away. And so my daughter's only grandmother, and she was very, very close to her, but my mom never got to see her change her name. But it did happen. And we share the same last name now, and she shares the same last name as her grandmother. And, you know, we're good. We're just Rory and Laura lie.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Claudia]

Doing our thing, having our fun.

[Molly]

That's amazing.

[Hannah]

You. You guys are making her life beautiful. And she has you to look up to and your resilience to look up to and your the support of your families too.

[Molly]

What did you learn from this experience? How did it change you?

[Claudia]

Listen to your gut trust, your femtuition. Yeah. When something doesn't feel right, listen, don't push it down just because maybe someone says, like, oh, you just make it work. No, you don't need to make it work because you may think that you are just married to a shitty person or you're dating a shitty person or whatever, but you. There could be so many other things behind that, and so I learned to ask more questions. I think one of the things, too, too is, like, you can be this strong woman. You can own your own business. You could be doing all the things. But if you are maybe a little insecure when it comes to relationships, these things can happen. And. And they're going to happen to strong women, they're going to happen to weak women, they're going to happen to strong men. They're going to happen to anyone. Like, it doesn't matter. And so you can't blame yourself for it.

[Molly]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Claudia]

And that's why, like, I talk about it, that's why I tell my story, and that's why I'm so thankful for y'all, because you're making so many of us realize that we're not alone.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

Thank you. It's all we can hope to do. I just want people to, like, stop being shitty, not stop themselves with that. I don't know. I've given up hope for some of them, but in terms of, like, getting out there, it's like, love is real, but you deserve to protect yourself and to keep your head on a swivel and not settle for shit. And if we can help people do that, that's all I can. All I can hope for.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

And you. You certainly are.

[Claudia]

Yeah. I mean, I'm trying.

[Molly]

We appreciate you. Thank you.

[Claudia]

I appreciate it.

[Hannah]

Oh, my God. I was ready to jump out of my seat when she said he was a. Like, a. A pedophile, literally.

[Molly]

I know. It's like. Well, what she said is that, like, it can't get any worse than this. And then, like, that is literally.

[Hannah]

Oh, it can.

[Molly]

It can. It can. And it did.

[Hannah]

She was great. An amazing storyteller. She's amazing and an amazing person.

[Molly]

She's so amazing and an amazing mom.

[Hannah]

The Gilmore Girls.

[Claudia]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

After we finished recording, we. We got to say hello to her daughter, who was the sweetest.

[Molly]

The sweetest, cutest little girl. She's so amazing, and I'm so sad that this happens to such. I mean, it just happens to such amazing people.

[Hannah]

And they have good taste. I've said it before, and I've said it again. It's not that you're weak. It's not that you're stupid, because Molly was saying right before. So, dogfish, debrief. We'll get into it. It's hard right now to pick out some things because she did a lot right.

[Molly]

She did A lot. Right? She did a lot. Right. I mean, he didn't have a lot of red flags. And there were times where in the story where she was like, I should have known it was a red flag when he was living at home. He had just gotten back from the military. Like, he had told her he had just gotten back from Afghanistan. So, yeah, it's really not a red flag to be living with your parents. I think that once she had a baby and then found out that he was cheating, some people might say that that's when she should have left. But at this point, she has. She's carrying his kid. Like.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Molly]

I think it is so normal to feel like, I can't get out of this at this point. And so I just got to put my head down and we can fix it.

[Hannah]

Yes, I completely. I mean, I think it's, you know, she said it was cliche. Babies aren't going to fix it. But that doesn't. In the moment, it's hard to imagine that your partner is going to leave or cheat when they see their child because you look at your new child and you're like, I would do anything for this person. I relate to the feeling of, okay, life is really busy. I imagine if you're pregnant, life is crazy. Add a breakup on top of that, add a divorce on top of that. And I'm not saying this is a conscious decision, but I do. I. My last breakup, I remember thinking, like, ugh, I don't feel like going through a breakup.

[Claudia]

It's so much work.

[Molly]

It's so.

[Hannah]

And like, I realized in the moment, I was like, obviously that's not a good reason to stay with someone, but it's so much work.

[Molly]

It's really hard. And also, when you're in a relationship with someone, they become the most important person in your life. And to lose the most important person in your life is also like, even if you know that they're bad or.

[Hannah]

Bad for you or cheating, at least you know them.

[Molly]

At least you're not. Yeah.

[Hannah]

Free falling.

[Molly]

Yeah. It's like, to face that loneliness is really hard. And I remember in a lot of my breakups just feeling like I wish I could call them to talk about this breakup.

[Hannah]

Yes. That's such a real feeling.

[Molly]

And that's the loneliest feeling. To be, like, the person that I want to call to talk about this. I can't call. And just not wanting to face that, I think is reason enough to not want to break up with someone. I think that. I mean, our position from the dating Detectives. Is that you should always question and ask, and it is better to be alone than to be in something bad. But.

[Hannah]

But we don't shame you if it takes you time to find that out, because we understand how hard it is to get there.

[Claudia]

Yeah.

[Molly]

There's no judgment there because. I don't know, like, she had a business and was having a baby and was married to this man that she found out was cheating on her. It's just a lot to take in. And I. This dog's history brief is hard for me because I really don't know what I would do in that situation. And I don't.

[Hannah]

I mean, it obvious. I hate her. I mean, I guess he could gaslight them, too, but the family, like, kind of knowing that something was up.

[Molly]

I mean, they know about the arrest for sure.

[Hannah]

What do you think about interfering in someone else's relationship in that way? Like, we've talked about that. When you're a friend, if you're the brother to somebody getting married to a woman who talks about his military service, I. I mean, I kind of think you would want to say something, but it's in the middle of the wedding. Like, I guess afterwards you can be like, hey, what? But I guess not my circus, not my monkeys. I don't know.

[Molly]

I don't know. Like, I'm such a meddler that I get involved all the time in things I maybe shouldn't get involved in. So I don't know if I'm the right person to ask about this, but.

[Hannah]

No, but I feel like that's okay to get involved.

[Molly]

Is it, like, I don't like. But it's also okay, maybe, I don't know, that specific situation with the brother. I feel like he could be like, oh, maybe it's a misunderstanding, understanding. He could look past it. I do feel like if I had a kid that was a registered sex offender, I might tell their future significant.

[Hannah]

Or have a conversation about it and.

[Molly]

Be like, just want to make sure.

[Hannah]

You guys worked through this.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

I wouldn't even say, like, do you know about this? I'd be like, how. How is that working? I mean, I guess if I had a child that was a registered sex offender, I'd have other issues to get to. Through before I could get to that point, too.

[Claudia]

Right.

[Hannah]

So that's an experience I don't wish on anyone. What about her friend Adam? The one who knew about his spank bank?

[Molly]

Well, good on him for calling her and telling her once he realized that Tyler might be lying. I wish he told her Sooner. I mean, he just believed him that she knew. But why would she know about those things?

[Hannah]

I mean, the fact that he's bragging about having that is so gross to me. Whether or not your parents knows, I cannot imagine not telling my friend that or telling another. Like, if I was a. If you're a guy and you're in this position, maybe tell one of your mutual girlfriends. Because not to gender this, but the girls are gonna know what to do.

[Molly]

Yeah. Like, see what she would want her boyfriend to do or her boyfriend's friend to do in that situation.

[Hannah]

I think we gotta help each other. And men.

[Molly]

Men are not gossiping enough.

[Hannah]

Gossip.

[Molly]

Men are not gossiping enough. We need you guys to gossip because we're out here in the trenches alone. The spreading of information.

[Hannah]

You are spy. You're in the locker room. Yes.

[Molly]

You need to gossip with us. Please tell us what's going on.

[Hannah]

And they say being an ally is far more important when the person is not there with you. You can support someone in person all you want, but what do you do when you're. When you're by yourself? It's tough.

[Molly]

I do feel like Adam did the best that he could do with the information that he was given. And I'm happy that he told her what he did.

[Hannah]

I agree. You don't go around assuming that people are dogfish and. Yeah, we shouldn't, but. And we shouldn't Google people. Let's Google the hell out of people. Oh, my God, I hate that. We're gonna have to Google that.

[Molly]

Google everybody. Google everybody, please. I mean, that's something that she could have done, is Google. It was 2011, so I feel like it was a different time. It wasn't as common to do that.

[Hannah]

But very early dating app stages.

[Molly]

Yes. In our lord's year of 2024. If you are a TDD listener and you are not Googling your dates, I'm disappointed in you. I'm really disappointed.

[Hannah]

That's coming from founder, producer mom, Molly.

[Molly]

I'm disappointed.

[Hannah]

Think of her little. Little Molly on your shoulder. Guys, whenever you go on a date, just go through the checklist.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

Did you check the Google? Did you check the mutual friends? Did you check the LinkedIn? Did it line up with what they said? Just check.

[Molly]

Just check.

[Hannah]

Just check. And did you tell a friend? Did you send your location? Did you pick a location that you feel comfortable with?

[Molly]

We're gonna start doing some dating tips on the socials so we can get these a little bit more organized for you guys. But you know what? To do.

[Hannah]

You guys are.

[Molly]

You're smart sleuthies.

[Hannah]

They are. I mean, that's why they're here. The one other thing she said that we've talked about before, but I like that her lawyer recommended it. Keeping a handwritten log notebook of the divorce process.

[Molly]

Thank you for bringing that up. That interested me because. And I'd love to hear from lawyers listening to the show. What is it about the handwritten that makes it better? Because we've gotten advice from people before, even lawyers, to do emails to yourself. Emails to yourself. Yeah, emails. I think that's something that. Yeah, like a bunch of different advice. But, you know, a big advice is always to keep track and write things down, either digital or in handwritten. I'd love to hear from a lawyer on why handwritten is better than digital and get some clarity on that so we can share it with you guys.

[Hannah]

I'm about to, like, write a handwritten note, put the date on it, take a picture of it, email it to myself with the date, put the newspaper next to it. Like, I'm ready to, like, submit it to the writer's guild. All of it. Yeah. Copyright. I mean, it's kind of.

[Molly]

It is a lot.

[Hannah]

And so realistically, it's like, you obviously are not going to keep a notebook forever. Every single person you go on a date with, every single conversation you have, it's more just when you feel something is wrong. So inclined not to quote one of.

[Molly]

Our favorite other podcasts, but you should start writing in your notebook when something. When you realize something is wrong.

[Hannah]

Hey, we like. We like the Something is wrong podcast.

[Molly]

We love them.

[Hannah]

But that was a good one. And I still. Not to add to our long list, but maybe someday we could do dating detectives journals that have little. I know, I know.

[Molly]

Yes.

[Hannah]

I love that people can save them from their dogfish.

[Molly]

Let us know if that's merch that you guys would want a little locked journal.

[Claudia]

If that's.

[Hannah]

Yeah, let us know so much else. I mean, I want to hear what everybody said. We don't. I feel like we recently have talked a lot about the miscarriage and medical stuff, and I was just grateful for her sharing her experience of her pregnancy and her treatment from doctors, which sounded awful at times. And just hear for you if that brought anything up.

[Molly]

Yes, absolutely. On that note, we are going to be launching a medical podcast about stories just like that very soon.

[Hannah]

Yay.

[Molly]

And so if you have a medical story, send that to the same email. So send us your stories. You can send them to this email. If they're medical or dating related.

[Hannah]

Will you give an example of the type of medical stories you're looking for?

[Molly]

Yeah. So we're looking for stories about medical gaslighting, misdiagnosis, mystery diagnosis cases, medical miracles. But, you know, similar to dating detectives, we're looking for everyday people who have incredible stories, went through incredible things, and can help us all feel more sane in our own experiences, either in dating or now in the medical field.

[Hannah]

I'm so excited for this because I need it. I feel like I'm fortunate my grandpa was a doctor, so I feel like I have some. Like, it's different when you have a doctor in your family, and I think there's a privilege in that. But I still go to doctors and feel really stupid a lot of the times and really anxious. And I don't know, I would love something that, like, makes me feel just better about what questions to ask, better about what my rights are.

[Molly]

And it can be really. The medical fields can be really hard to navigate, especially as a woman. And then even more so if you are a woman of color, even more so if you are in a larger body. The medical gaslighting can go really far and can make you feel crazy and like, maybe you're not sick. Maybe it is all in your head. And those are the experiences we want to share and bring light to so that hopefully we can make some change there and help people to know how to advocate for themselves in those settings.

[Hannah]

Email us. The email is Investigate at Dating.

[Molly]

It's Investigate at the Dating Detectives podcast dot com. Yeah, that's right.

[Claudia]

Right?

[Hannah]

Yeah. I'm also looking at like, wait, no, it's perfect. It's perfect. And you can.

[Molly]

We did a Patreon live event trivia thing and I put the. One of the questions was what the email is as a little joke and I put the wrong. Every single answer was the wrong email. So now I'm see myself all the time. Email lore continues.

[Hannah]

That's. It was actually perfect. Oh, I want to do another one of those trivia. That was really fun. Instagram, TikTok. Dating Detectives podcast. Every ad we talked about is in the show notes if you're interested. Interested in anything. And mackenzie will be back next week. Molly, thank you for keeping. Keeping everything together. Oh, what do you mean? Are you kidding?

[Molly]

This has been so fun. Okay. And leave us a nice review.

[Hannah]

We love you and we love all of the listeners and we'll see you next week.

[Molly]

And as always, trust your femme.

[Hannah]

Trust your femme tuition period.