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The Dr. Hyman Show
Why Brutal Honesty Is The Secret To Living A Happier, More Authentic Life | Mark Manson
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A
Coming up on this episode of the Doctor's Pharmacy.
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B
And I think this is a problem with a lot of people who are very unhealthy. My idea of like a healthy meal was just anything with a vegetable in it. You know, when I drank tonight, I only had two drinks instead of five. So that's healthy. So like, so, you know, it's just like your definition, like half a pizza.
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A
Instead of a whole pizza. Exactly. Hey everyone, it's Dr. Mark. I know there are a ton of functional medicine practitioners who listen to this podcast and I want to ask you a question. Are you tired of wasting valuable time on complex lab ordering procedures? If so, I got fantastic news for you. Rupa Health has made ordering and managing labs effortless. In just a few clicks, you can access over 3,000 tests from over 35 lab companies all in one convenient portal. Plus, Rupa Health ensures that you only pay one invoice for all your tests, making everything simpler and more efficient. No more juggling multiple invoices or dealing with administrative headaches. And the best part, it's completely free. That's right. There are no hidden fees or complicated billing systems. So don't let lab ordering hold back anymore. Visit Rupah Health.com today and unlock the potential of hassle free lab testing. That's Rup.com one of today's sponsors is Butcherbox. 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And with Butcherbox, you can feel good knowing you're getting the highest quality meat and seafood that will help you thrive. Right now, Butcherbox has a special offer. New members can get free ground beef for a year. Just go to butcherbox.com pharmacy and use the code pharmacy that's B u t c h e r b o x.com pharmacy with an F F a r M a C Y this episode is brought to you by Amazon. The holidays are here and you know what that means. It's time to get your friends and family the gifts they deserve. Take the stress out of shopping with Amazon's great deals and low prices on a huge range of items from toys to tech and much whoever you're gifting for. Amazon has great prices on everything you need this holiday season. Shop Black Friday Week Deals now before we jump into today's episode, I'd like to note that while I wish I could help everyone via my personal practice, there's simply not enough time for me to do this at this scale. And that's why I've been busy building several passion projects to help you better understand. Well you if you're looking for data about your biology, check out Function Health for Real Time Lab Insights. If you're in need of deepening your knowledge around your health journey, check out my Membership Community Hymen Hive. And if you're looking for curated and trusted supplements and health products for your routine, visit my website Supplement Store for a summary of my favorite and tested products. Hey everyone, it's Dr. Mark Hyman. Ever wanted to ask me your health and wellness questions directly? Well, here's your chance. I have an exciting exclusive event coming up that you can be part of as a thank you for being a loyal listener on the doctor's pharmacy. On Wednesday, December 4th, I'm hosting a live digital experience called the Diet wars and I want you to join me. I'll be chatting with Dr. Gabrielle Lyon, a board certified Family Doc and New York Times bestselling author as we tackle one of the biggest wellness questions out there. Which diet really gives you the best shot at optimal health? Should you be a vegan? Should you be a carnivore? Or somewhere in between? From Paleo to vegan to carnivore and GLP ones, we'll break down the science, debunk the myths and share our expert perspectives. Help you make the best choices for your health. And here's the best part. You'll be able to interact with me and chat with our amazing community in real time during the event. Plus, if you're a VIP ticket holder, you'll get to join an exclusive Q and A after party where you can ask us all your questions directly. The Diet wars is a one time only experience that you don't want to miss, including Limited edition merch. It's all happening live on Moment by Patreon. So mark your calendars for Wednesday, December 4th at 9pm Eastern, 6pm Pacific and head over to Moment Co Forward Slash Markheimen to get your tickets. I can't wait to see you there. Welcome to Doctor's Pharmacy. This is Dr. Mark Hyman. A place for conversations that matter. And if you care about living a good life and maybe learning why some of the self help material out there is not so helpful in a counterintuitive approach, you're going to love this conversation with an extraordinary man, my friend and author Mark Manson, who is a three times New York Times number one bestselling author. His most well known work is called and I'm not saying this to just say profanities, but it's actually the title of the book is the Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. A Counterintuitive approach to Living a Good Life. He reached number one in 14 different countries. His books have been translated into over 65 languages, sold over 20 million copies, which is no small feat as an author. He runs one of the largest personal growth websites in the World, markmanson.net and a blog with more than 15 million yearly readers and half a million subscribers. And he's just an awesome dude. His writing is often described as self help for people who hate self help, a no BS brand of life advice and cultural commentary that struck a chord with people around the globe. His writing has appeared everywhere in the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Time Magazine, Forbes, BBC, cnn, Vox, and so many others. And he's become a good friend. We're going to talk about his life story and what happened and some of the interesting things we discussed today in terms of what are the five simple ideas to change your life. We're going to get into those. We're going to get into the work that he's done around rethinking our approach to self help and we're going to get into some great personal and intimate conversations about my life and his life. I think you're going to love this conversation. So let's dive right into this podcast with Mark Manson. Hey Mark, it's so great to have you on the Doctor's Pharmacy podcast and see you again. It's been a while and you've gone through some massive life changes. Pretty amazing. And you know, for those of you who don't know, Mark, he kind of at 32, hit this wild success point writing this book called the Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, which stirred up A lot of controversy. It was hard to get published with that title. And I actually wanted to write a book called what the Fuck Should I Eat? But they wouldn't let me. They made me call it what the Heck Should I Eat? So the whole premise of your work has really been sort of contrary to a lot of what generally has been out there around self development, self help, what we believe about ourselves, how we live our lives, how we think about creating a vision for our lives. And it's really, I just try to understand the origins of this because, you know, looking back at your history, you were a young kid, you were kind of struggling, you kind of had a blog, you were learning how to kind of deal with women and you know, part of this whole pickup artist scene that was kind of, it's kind of a strange scene.
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B
Sure.
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A
And you know, you kind of morphed into kind of an awakening that allowed you to kind of think about how to be happy without focusing on being happy or something like that. So.
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B
Well, the way I would, if I had to give an elevator pitch for my philosophy or my work, it would essentially be that I felt very strongly, say 15 years ago that the personal development self help industry over indexed for positivity. It was all about feeling good all the time. And I think it began the mistake that feeling good meant you were feeling better. Whereas you can easily delude yourself into feeling good when you're actually not better, you're actually worse. And so I strongly believe, and I've strongly felt my entire life, that getting better means getting more honest. Getting more honest about yourself, getting more honest about the world, getting more honest about your relationships. And getting honest does not always feel good.
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A
No, it's not always easy.
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B
It's not always easy. In the short term it often hurts. But in the long term, it makes both you, other people and everybody better. So that's like the crux of my philosophy.
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A
Don't lie to yourself or others.
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B
Yeah, just don't, don't just try, don't lie to yourself. And you know, I think I have a line in one of my books that it's like self improvement is just like a constant process of lying to yourself less.
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A
Yeah.
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B
And we all lie to ourselves. We all bullshit ourselves, we all buy into beliefs and stories that make ourselves feel better. Like it's just human nature, it's part of it. And so I kind of see, I'm like on this constant crusade to not lie, to fight, fight that back. Yeah.
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A
You know what you're saying is so important. It's so true. And the most pernicious lies are the ones we tell to ourselves.
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B
Yes.
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A
The fact that we can't look honestly at ourselves, look in the mirror at our behaviors, our choices, at our thinking, not question our thoughts. I mean, it's really remarkable how locked into lying our society is. It's just a continuous parade of lies to ourselves and others without realizing the consequences to our happiness and our well being. You know, I have a friend, Lauren Zander, who basically is a life coach, started the Handel group, and she really helped me kind of stop being a liar.
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B
It's hard.
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A
It's really freaking hard.
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B
I mean, it's the. I think it was the Nobel prize winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman. He said, as a species, we did not evolve to perceive truth. We evolved to perceive what helped us survive.
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A
Yeah.
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B
And so on a very fundamental basis, our brain lies to us because it helps us survive and reproduce, but it doesn't make us psychologically healthy.
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A
It's interesting. I'm kind of reading this book which is literally opposite of what you're talking about. It's called 48 Rules of Power, which is basically looking historically at, you know, societies and cultures that have, you know, had to deal with intrigue and courtesans and hierarchy and monarchies and currying favor and, you know, rising up in the ranks. And it's from Machiavelli to who knows who. And it's fascinating because, you know, there is something to be said for understanding human nature and how to work with human nature. And the book's not about power over people. It's about how to not be powerless in your life and understand how people and humans actually engage most of the time. But one of the things that struck me when I first met you was a story that your wife told when I said, so how did you guys meet? How did you fall in love? What's your story? We had dinner in New York, and Fernando, your wife, you call her Faye, I guess, said something really striking to me. She says, well, he was like the first honest man I'd ever met. And he was honest, was honest with me. It was what I didn't want to hear. It was something that I was like, you know, I wanted to hang out and be together. And he was like, I'm out of here. I'm in New York and I don't know, this is my life, and I'm not sure. And, like, we'll see how it goes.
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B
And like.
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A
And I was like, wow, you know, that's sexy.
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B
Yeah.
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A
You know, and it's A very different tack than we normally take. Like, the whole pickup artist thing is the opposite of that. It's more Machiavellian. How do you kind of contort yourself and shape yourself into somebody or something in the way you look and the way you speak and how you talk to people to get what you want out of somebody?
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B
Right. There's actually. Yeah, there's a really nice connection between all those things, because the pickup artist community industry, it optimizes for power. And optimizing for power means you're not optimizing for healthy relationships, and you're not optimizing for happiness, and you're often being dishonest in the process. Whereas my belief very fundamentally in that industry, I just felt very disgusted by the whole thing. And I was like, you know, being honest, maybe it doesn't always get you the girl you want, but the ones you get, you end up being so much happier with them, and it ends up being such a better relationship, and you actually are compatible with each other, and she actually understands you, and you actually understand her.
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A
Right.
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B
But going through that process, it isn't always pleasant. The example I often use in talks is. Is that it's. You know, when I started dating my wife, you know, like most women, she would. We'd be going out for a date night or whatever, and she'd put on an outfit and she'd walk out and she'd be like, how do I look?
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A
And you're like, you don't look good in that outfit.
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B
Exactly. Like, I would tell her that, and she would get so pissed off.
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A
But don't ask me.
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B
But it's funny because it's. You know, early in our relationship, she really hated that. And she was like, why do you have to, like, can't you just lie and say, like, I look great? And I was. I was like, no, I'm not gonna do that. But now it's. If she walks out and we're about to go out and she looks amazing and I tell her, you look amazing tonight, I believe you look gorgeous. She knows I'm being honest. She knows I'm not bullshitting her. Right. And so it's like that compliment hits ten times as hard. And so I just think that that's just a fundamental aspect of life, that you can't really fully appreciate or enjoy the good things in life without being honest and open to the bad things.
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A
Yeah, I mean, I think it's. It's. We're often afraid of the outcome. I know for me, you know, as a kid and my Stepfather was a rageaholic. I mean the story, I don't know if I've told this on the podcast, I might have, but I was like, my mother married, my stepfather moved to Canada. I was seven years old and he was like a clean freak. And back in those days, in the 60s back then, I'm really old, Sorry. We didn't have those kitchen sink, you know, you know, garbage or whatever you call them, disposals. And so I had to throw out some like soup. And the way we would do it is like, throw it down the toilet. And my mom said, go take this pot of whatever leftover soup and throw it down the toilet. And so I went in there and I threw it down the toilet, I flushed the toilet, I came out, he was standing there, he's like big barrel chested guy, booming voice, he's like, did you wash your hands? And I'm like, no, because I didn't go to the bathroom. And he went into a rage and he threw me against the wall, like literally threw me across the room, like almost like a football smashed against the wall. It was the most terrifying experience. A little seven year old kid. And I was really little, I'm like six foot three now, but I was like a little shrimpy kid. And then my mother sort of, in order to keep the peace, would always say to me, don't tell your father this, don't tell your. And my grandmother would do it, she'd say, I give you five dollars, don't tell your mother I gave you five dollars. Like so it was like this embedded thing. Growing up, in order to manage people's emotions and not have to deal with the effects on you, in other words, their reaction, which you can't control. Yes, don't tell them the truth, Manipulate them to try to keep the peace. And I became a people pleaser, which is a liar basically.
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B
Yes, right, Absolutely.
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A
It's just being a liar. Oh, I'm a nice guy, I'm helping everybody. I'm saying yes. I'm like, no, I'm just, I'm just a liar to myself because I don't want to do this friggin thing. I'm a liar to whoever I'm talking to. And it was really embedded in who I was. And unlearning that was not easy. And for you, I'm wondering how did you get that epiphany where you were like, this isn't the way to go? Because you went from basically being trained in how to lie by one culture to flipping, to going, I'm Going to be involved in radical honesty.
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B
Well, it's interesting because I think my childhood was kind of the inversion of yours. I grew up in a dysfunctional family of people pleasers.
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A
People pleasers, yes.
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B
So both of my parents are extremely non confrontational. Both my parents are people pleasers. And there would be situations in my house when I was a kid where it was like, clearly mom is pissed off at dad, and clearly dad can't stand mom, but nobody's saying anything. Everybody's just smiling and you can smell.
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A
It in the air.
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B
Everybody's smiling and pretending everything's okay and the amount of tension and discomfort that there was. And so I became, and this is. My dad has told me this much later, but I became the truthsayer in the family. So I would be the one in the family who would walk into the.
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A
Room and be like, she's that little shit disturber. Yeah.
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B
I was like, why are you mad? Why are you mad at her? And I'm not mad. I'm not mad. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm like, no, clearly you're mad. You're not talking to her. You know, so I would be the one who'd stir up all this shit. And I think, you know, as a kid, I was trying to adapt to my family, like, keep my family together and functioning. Yeah, that's existential.
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A
Because if you're a kid and you know, your survival depends on these two grownups and they're a shit show, who.
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B
Were burying their heads in the sand and ignoring everything, you know, so it was, it was a survival mechanism. But I think it has served me well. I mean, essentially my career is being that truthsayer of being like, you know, going into the pickup industry and being like, hey guys, you're a bunch of manipulative fucks. Like, you need to be honest. Like, not only is this like questionably unethical, but like, if you want to ever have a happy, healthy relationship and not be a raging misogynist, like, you need to start being honest with women. And I went to the self help industry and I'm like, guys, you can't. It's not gonna be unicorns and rainbows all the time. Like, I don't care how many medit you do or like how much you say, yeah, how much you fucking microdose, like, life's gonna suck sometimes and we should actually be honest about that.
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A
And even in the full lotus position.
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B
Yeah, it's still, it still fucking sucks. So, you know, it's, it's like, that's. That's essentially what I get paid for.
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A
But, but, but, you know, the truth is that, like, life for all of us has its moments.
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B
Yes.
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A
You know, ups and downs, joys, peaks and valleys. And you're not saying it's not about having all of that. You're just saying, like, just don't pretend that everything is perfect all the time and deny yourself the experience of reality, which actually is kind of better. I had a friend once, I was in college, and we were walking along in this beautiful country road, and she says, mark, sometimes you're happy, and the rest of the time you're growing.
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B
It's a nice way to put it.
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A
And I'm like, okay.
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B
Yeah.
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A
And, you know, the lying thing is so key. I really did that consciously and unconsciously in all my relationships until the last one and literally the first. I was so committed after my last divorce to kind of really get honest. And when I met my current wife, I literally, day one, I just said everything. I'm like, here's who I am. Here's what I got. Here's what I got. Here's what's working. Here's what's not working. Here's my crazies, here's my family, here's all the skeletons. This is just what it is.
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B
Here it all is. Take it or leave it.
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A
Letting you know. Good thing is she stuck around and she knows that I'm straight. And it's such a relief because I don't have to pretend anything.
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B
Well, the way I talked about it in my dating book is I said that what it does is it polarizes responses. So what most people do when they date is they try to be middle of the road in everything. They try to never have a controversial opinion because they want everybody they date to like them. But because they don't have anything that stands out or that is anything like, is exceptional or unique about them, they don't develop strong attraction with anybody that they go out with. Whereas when you introduce honesty, like you did with your current wife, and you lay everything out on the table and it's vulnerable. It's completely vulnerable. And what you do is you polarize the reaction. So a certain percentage of women are going to look at what you laid out on the table, and they're like, ooh, that's not.
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A
I'm out of here.
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B
That's not for me.
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A
I'm out of here.
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B
Thanks, but no thanks. But a small percentage of women are going to be like, oh, wow. No, this is exactly what I Want.
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A
And then.
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B
And so then the attraction actually becomes so much stronger, and it's a very authentic attraction. You're not trying to. There's no gamesmanship. There's no one upping. There's no, you know, people pleasing.
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A
Yeah. So you kind of recognize this in your late 20s, and you kind of. Kind of woke up to kind of the bullshit that you were living in your life, and. And you started to kind of just write this blog, and it kind of took off, and a lot of people resonated with this message, which was sort of counterintuitive. But you've been extremely successful doing it and have helped a lot of people think differently about how to look at making their lives better in a kind of a contrary way. I kind of followed your trajectory, and being young and having that much success can kind of fuck with your head a little bit.
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B
Yeah. And sure.
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A
And, you know, you went. You went through a period of burnout. You kind of had this kind of meteoric rise. Everybody on the planet was reading your book. I was actually very mad because I would walk into every airport and see it everywhere. And when I was writing my, you know, 15 New York Times bestsellers, like, just struggling to get them to stay on the list, and what's going on with this guy? And then. And. And yet there was a dark side to it for you. Sure. And you got unhealthy. You weren't taking care of yourself. You were living a life that wasn't actually what you wanted. And I wonder what it took for you to look at yourself and see where you were asleep and maybe even sort of lying to yourself about what was going on.
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B
Yeah. So there's two aspects of this. There's kind of like the professional side of it, and then there's the health side of it. I'll start with the professional. We can go into that.
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A
Yeah. I want to get to the health side.
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B
So. Because they are very related. So on the professional side, I think it was just too much too fast, you know? Like, I think the way our brains seem to function is, like, we tend to feel best. Like, I think most people, if they get a 10% raise each year, you know, they're like, oh, that was a good year. You know, and if it's 20% or 25%, like, wow, this is a really good year.
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A
You went from living your mom's house to being in a penthouse in New York.
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B
Right, Right. And when it's 10,000% one year, your brain just kind of explodes. Like, you don't really know it takes multiple years for your brain, your identity to catch up to the reality of like, okay, this has happened. And I think the result is a lot of things like imposter syndrome, insecurity. I definitely kind of felt like, okay, this thing just really took off like a rocket. I don't totally understand why this might be my 15 minutes. So let me just say yes to everything because I'm young, I don't have kids, like, what else am I going to do? So I did say yes to everything and I ended up burning myself out. I ended up doing a lot of things that I didn't totally love doing.
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A
So you were lying and you were saying yes and you meant no.
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B
Exactly. I was not aware of my. It's ironic because all these things are in the book itself. I lost sight of my own values and what I cared about and I didn't know what to not give a fuck about. And so I started saying yes to everything. I started people pleasing within the industry.
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A
You started giving a fuck.
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B
I started gave too many fucks and it got me into a lot of trouble. So that was kind of the professional side and I burnt myself out. And I ended up reaching a point where I'm like, you know what, I really just need to stop everything for a while and get back in touch with myself and what I want to do and what I enjoy doing and what I care about. So that was kind of a wild ride professionally on kind of like a personal side and a health side. I think what, you know, there's this question that people ask all the time is like, does money change you? And I don't think money changes you. What money does is it takes the guardrails off who you already are. So if you have self destructive tendencies, but you're kind of broke or you depend on a corporate job and you need to make your boss happy, like those are guardrails that kind of like maybe keep you a little bit in line because there's like really bad repercussions if you get out of line. As soon as a bunch of money falls on you, it's like those guardrails are gone. You can kind of do whatever you want. I had a lot of bad habits, bad lifestyle habits, some self destructive tendencies and it like the guardrails were gone. And so I got started going out all the time, ate all the things, drank almost all the time, traveled way too much, partied way too much, and like, don't get me wrong, some of that I don't.
- [25:15]
A
It's fun.
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B
There's A certain amount of that I don't regret. But I think the thing was, is that I lost control. And back to the lying thing. I was lying to myself about not being in control about it. So I became extremely unhealthy. And I actually hit a point. I was writing two books in 2018. Was it 2018? Yeah, 2018. I was writing two books simultaneously.
- [25:39]
A
Everything's Fucked and the Will Smith book.
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B
Yeah. Which I don't ever recommend doing.
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A
Doing two books at once or writing.
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B
Somebody else's book, doing two books at once. And I had speaking tours. I was just, like, overloaded. I was incredibly unhealthy. I gained a ton of weight. I was drinking all the time. And I was sitting in my office writing one day and I started getting chest pains. And my family has a long history of heart disease. And so I was like, I'm 35. I can't be having. This can't be happening now.
- [26:12]
A
Can't be having a heart pain.
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B
I'm like, this is too early. This is too soon. And so I went to some doctors, I got tests, it turned out everything was fine. But the doctor, being a good doctor, was like, you know, have you been stressed lately? Like, what are your lifestyle habits like? And he kind of just gave me a wake up call. Like, he was like, you know, this. The trajectory you're on is like, not a good one. Right. Especially given your family history.
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A
Yeah.
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B
And so I had a little bit of a wake up call around my health and realizing that, like, I need to get this shit figured out because it's like, there is a lot of stuff in my family. I ended up doing a genetic test, discovered I have hemochromatosis. I have a double E4 gene, the APOE4.
- [27:02]
A
That's an Alzheimer's risk gene.
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B
Yeah.
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A
And hemochromatosis is where you store too much iron. It can, over time, just basically cause all your organs to rust. So it's not a good thing.
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B
No, no, it's not. And then at that point, I got a bunch of blood work done as well. You know, I was like, pre diabetic. I was like, massively overweight. I think I was like 42% body fat or something like that.
- [27:27]
A
Men should be 10 to 20.
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B
Yeah.
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A
So just for those listening.
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B
Yeah. So I was. I was a train wreck. And so that, that started along a long process of kind of like getting my, my shit together health wise.
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A
And what was that like for you? Because all of a sudden you kind of, you know, had a set of beliefs, you had to change, you know.
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B
Yeah.
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A
And changing beliefs is not hard. And part of your work is really about how do we look at our beliefs.
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B
Yes.
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A
And see where they're leading us. Because our beliefs are the things that make us make the choices we make right. And believe it and do the things we do and act the way we act. And they're often interrupted, interrupting the values we have so totally. Our beliefs and values don't always kind of lie.
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B
The hardest part was not only did I have, I guess, bad beliefs or inaccurate beliefs around health, I was also unaware of how bad or inaccurate my beliefs were. And I think this is something that.
- [28:24]
A
Like, you could have called me Mark.
- [28:25]
B
I should have. Well, I didn't know you at that point, but in hindsight, I should have. I think looking back, and I think this is a problem with a lot of people who are very unhealthy and that they struggle with. To. To get. To get healthy is that, like, their baseline understanding of what is healthy is just completely skewed or off. Right. So it's like, my idea of, like, a healthy meal was just anything with a vegetable in it. You know, like, in my head, I was like, well, I ate a salad for dinner, even though that salad had probably 1500 calories. Right. You know, but in my head, I didn't understand anything about calories. I didn't understand anything about macros. All I understood was I ate a salad, so that's healthy. And, you know, when I drank tonight, I only had two drinks instead of five, so that's healthy. So, like. So, you know, it's just like your definition.
- [29:14]
A
You only had, like, half a pizza instead of a whole pizza.
- [29:16]
B
Exactly. So a lot of it is just, like, a very skewed expectation of like. Or understanding of, like, just what is healthy in the first place. Yeah. And it's hard to, you know, like, I grew up in Texas. I grew up Bubba's and Barbecue. Bubba's and barbecue fast food every other night. Like, you know, so in my head, I'm like, looking at the people I grew up with and the people in my family, I'm like, well, I'm healthier than that person.
- [29:43]
A
Like, well, that person was only £450. I'm like 350, so I must be good.
- [29:48]
B
That's exactly what it is. Right. And it was the same with the drinking, too. It's like, well, you know, my friend over there is, like, face down in a ditch, and I'm still, like, standing up. Right. So I must. I'm like, I'm not that bad. Right. So a lot of it is just like, what is your reference point? And my reference points were so bad that I again, I lied to myself. It made it easy to lie to myself and be like, well, I'm being healthy. Right. So initially I kind of like, I did like the half assed, uneducated version of getting in shape, you know, started going to the gym, started eating 1500 calorie salads, started having three drinks instead of five.
- [30:29]
A
Yeah.
- [30:30]
B
You know, and that I lost like five or ten pounds or whatever. But like, and then I plateaued and I got stuck and of course I like felt completely lost and like, I don't understand why am I, like, why am I not losing more weight? I'm being healthy. So there was, there was definitely a, there was, there was early on there, there needed to be like an education process in terms of just getting good reference points.
- [30:51]
A
How did you get there?
- [30:54]
B
I eventually. So a friend of mine, actually a friend of a friend, is a health coach and so they connected me to him and he just, I mean, he just told me the blatantly obvious, which is, you know, he'd be like, so take me through your weekend. What did you do? What did you eat? What did you drink? You know, and I went through everything and he was like, okay, well, yeah, that's not healthy. Like what was on the salad? Yeah, that's not healthy, dude. Like, that's not a healthy, that's not a healthy meal. You know, so he kind of set me straight with that. The other thing he did is, which was huge, was he got me tracking.
- [31:28]
A
Yes.
- [31:29]
B
And it's coming back to line thing.
- [31:34]
A
I ate 14 cookies from the package.
- [31:37]
B
Yeah. You're like, well, this has protein, I think it's healthy. And then you load it into your macro tracker and you're like, oh my God, what did I do? So tracking was a huge support.
- [31:48]
A
Tracking, accountability, getting basic fundamental knowledge that you might not have had that you think, you know, most of us, you're educated, you went to college, you think it should be kind of common, common sense and common knowledge. But most people have no clue about what it takes to create health.
- [32:03]
B
It is, I mean, I don't envy you in your industry because I think the message that gets to people ends up so skewed. Like, I think the message that gets to people is like, I gotta do this crazy diet. I gotta like, you know, work out six times a week. I gotta like, you know, hire all these people and do all these things. And it's actually there's just some like very fundamental basic things that if you, if you do them every single day, it's just consistency. Yeah. That it kind of like 80% of it takes care of itself and, and.
- [32:36]
A
You lost 65 pounds. So.
- [32:38]
B
Yeah, I mean it was, it was, that was over five years. So it was fits and starts and.
- [32:42]
A
You know, and no zempic. So that's.
- [32:44]
B
And rebounds and then, you know, back again. And.
- [32:51]
A
Supplements are one of those things that I'm always being asked about, is it worth spending money on them? Do we need them? If you really eat well, can your body even absorb them? The answer to most of these questions is it depends. One important one is magnesium. Now, most soils have become depleted in magnesium. So it's a tough mineral to get enough of through diet alone. 80% of Americans actually are deficient in it. Since it's crucial for hundreds of reactions in the body and impacts everything from metabolism to sleep, neurologic health, energy, pain, muscle function more. It's really important that we strive to get enough of it. Magnesium also plays a role in our stress response and everyone I know could use a hand in better managing stress to promote better overall health. I like to call it the relaxation mineral. My favorite magnesium is from a company called Myoptimizers. Their magnesium breakthrough formula contains seven different forms which all have different functions in the body. There is truly nothing like it on the market. I really noticed a difference when I started taking it and I've tried a lot of different magnesium products out there. Right now Bioptimizers is offering their Black Friday and Cyber Monday deal to my listeners during the entire month of November. They're offering the biggest discount you can get and amazing gifts with purchase. Look out between November 20th and the 28th they're offering 25% off site wide. Just go to bioptimizers.com forward/hyman and use the code HYMAN10. That's B I O P T I M I z e r s.com hymen it's peak cold and flu season and so I'm keeping my medicine cabinet stock with Beekeeper naturals clean wellness products. My go to their propolis throat spray made with bee propolis, the same stuff that bees use to protect the hive from germs. Each spray delivers antioxidants and nutrients like vitamin C, iron and B vitamins for daily immune support. Plus it soothes a scratchy throat. Perfect for busy days. When I'm feeling run down, I double up on doses. I also rely on their Propolis plus vitamin C liposomal pouches which pack 100 milligrams of Propolis and 1000 milligrams of vitamin C in each serving. It supports my immune system, muscle recovery and skin health. Plus these pouches are travel friendly so I never leave home without them. Beekeepers Naturals products are made with clean pesticide free ingredients and backed by a medical advisory board for quality and evidence. Legacy to help you stay well this season, I'm partnering with Beekeepers Naturals to offer you early access to their Black Friday sale. Go to beekeepersnaturals.com hymen or use the code HYMEN at checkout for 30% off.
- [35:07]
B
Feel your max with Brooks Running and.
- [35:09]
A
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- [35:31]
B
Brooks.
- [35:32]
A
Let's run there.
- [35:33]
B
Head to BrooksRunning.com to learn more.
- [35:36]
A
Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. With the price of just about everything going up during inflation, we thought we'd bring our prices down.
- [35:43]
B
So to help us we brought in a reverse auctioneer which is apparently a thing Mint Mobile unlimited premium wireless 30, 30. But to get 20, 20, 20 but to get 2020 but you get 15, 15, 15, 15. Just 15 bucks a month. So give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch $45 upfront payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only taxes and fees, extra speed slower above 40 gigabytes. You detail the thing I tell people because you know, people always ask me, they're like oh, what did you do? As if I did one thing. And I will say that the struggle, the biggest struggle is the mental side. It's, it's the knowing when I was bullshitting myself, knowing when I was deluding myself, knowing, you know, knowing when I was cutting corners and being honest with myself about that and then trying to understand why I was doing those things. Like why was I lying to myself so I could eat more pizza.
- [36:36]
A
And you do a process for that because you know, most of us have extremely thick armor against being able to kind of have insight about our own behavior, our own lies and our own self deceptions. It's very hard to kind of turn the mirror on yourself.
- [36:53]
B
Yeah.
- [36:53]
A
How did you do that.
- [36:57]
B
Again? Accountability is huge. You know, having some sort of coach or trainer, electric shock collar Shock collar partner. You know, it's like, I gotta give credit to my wife. Like, she's much better about the food side of things than I am. And there are many, many times where she's like, you realize that's not healthy. Right? You know, and I'm like, ah, come on. It's got some green in it. Like, you know, it.
- [37:20]
A
It's mint chocolate chip ice cream. It's green, it's green.
- [37:23]
B
There must be a vegetable. Mint's a vegetable, right? So like, you know, and then, then I'd load it up into the tracker and, you know, it's way more about systems than it is willpower. Like, if you're relying on willpower, you're just kind of fucked. Because willpower is. It's very finite and it comes and goes and. But if you have the systems in place, you know, it's like if you're. If the only groceries that are showing up to the house are like good ingredients, right? Like, if the meals that you have planned for the week are like the macros are already counted before you plan.
- [37:56]
A
Them, you just make it hard to make a mistake because you change your environment.
- [37:59]
B
Exactly, exactly. You just put like, you know, you just put like kids gloves on everything. Like, just make it as. Make it so easy. A five year old could do it. That's.
- [38:09]
A
Yeah, I think it's actually. I wrote a book called the 10 Day Detox Diet. In there. I talked about how behavior change happens, and part of it is, you know, really focusing on changing your default environment. So house has to be a safe zone. Like, the other night I had a lot of stress happen and something was like, really a big deal. And I was like, I want that pint of ice cream right now. And I'm like, in this, There was no ice cream in the freezer.
- [38:34]
B
Yeah.
- [38:35]
A
And I'm like, oh, I don't know what to order. I went to order online and then it said you had to order a salt and straw. You had to order five pints of ice cream. And I'm like, no, I'm not gonna do it.
- [38:45]
B
No, not worth it. Not worth it.
- [38:46]
A
But like, so if the home was a safe zone, you know, and you have your workout equipment, you have your tennis shoes, whatever, like, you make it so that it's automatic. I think that's really important. But the bigger issue really is this sort of. I always say to my patients, not what are you eating? It's what's eating you. So what was driving you to that behavior and how did you tackle that Demon. Because that's the mental part. Because I went to eat, exercise. I mean, despite all the nutrition controversies and all the sort of diet books, it's pretty basic what works, I can tell you as a doctor for years, eat real food, move your body, get enough sleep, learn how to relax. All works out.
- [39:26]
B
I noticed. So. And I'm glad you asked that, because this, you know, it took probably two or three years into this process for me to even get to the point where I could, like, reasonably have an answer to that question, because it was. I think what I didn't appreciate is that how unconscious. Like, food is such a primal thing, and it's like such an unconsciously driven thing. Like, I never stopped my whole life, I never stopped and thought, like, why do I crave pizza right now? Or, like, why do I, you know, want to have a drink? And what I noticed is that the two big drivers for me were anxiety and boredom. That I tended to eat junk or drink if I was bored, or I would eat junk or drink if I was anxious about something and worried about something.
- [40:14]
A
Yeah.
- [40:15]
B
And the anxiety was actually kind of the easier thing to deal with. You know, once I was aware of it, I could, like, kind of channel it a little bit better. The boredom was actually harder for me because that started to get into social life and identity. I realized that a lot of my social life was built around food and alcohol. And to decouple, that meant I had to give up a significant part of my social life, which meant that I didn't see certain friends as often. I, you know, I very much. I took a lot of pride. I kind of had the identity of, like, the party guy. You know, if you invited me to the wedding, I'd be the first on the dance floor and the last one off. And it's because I was fucking drunk. And, like, when I stopped drinking, I was like, I had to give that up. I'm like, okay, I'm not the party guy. I'm not gonna be the guy who closes the bar with you every night. Like, I'm the guy who's going to go home at 10:30 because he's tired. And that sucked. Like, that was. There was a little bit of an ego death sort of thing that had to happen there. So the boredom was actually a much harder solve for me.
- [41:24]
A
Yeah, because you're filling empty space where you have to be with yourself.
- [41:30]
B
Well, it made me realize too, Mark, that this fucking hurt. When I realized it, I was like, if I need to eat and get drunk with this person to have fun then. I don't like this person.
- [41:44]
A
Right.
- [41:45]
B
Like they're not actually my friend.
- [41:48]
A
That's true.
- [41:49]
B
Like, that was very upsetting to realize.
- [41:52]
A
And it's really true. It's like, you know, because you're only as healthy as the five healthiest, five friends you're hanging out with the most. Right.
- [41:58]
B
So totally.
- [41:59]
A
And I think, you know, what are their behaviors? What are their habits? So I was at a wedding, for example, this weekend, and there was no alcohol. It was alcohol free. Wedding.
- [42:07]
B
Yeah.
- [42:08]
A
And the food was amazing and there was yoga classes and we danced and we played and we did all kinds of great stuff. But it didn't require us to kind of rely on all that stuff to actually have an extraordinary time. We had like cake contests and all kinds of fun things that people engaged in that were really beautiful, that were bonding, that weren't about being checked out or zoned out or drunk or fucked up are fucked up. Right. And I think, you know, so for example, you could have a dinner party at your house where you control the food, where there's no alcohol, where, you know, you have a different experience. So I think this is ways for people to kind of still kind of have the things that they care about.
- [42:47]
B
Right.
- [42:48]
A
The social connections. And I say, well, you know, I can't go out, but maybe, you know, being in a bar every night is not. Is not going to end up well for you in your life.
- [42:57]
B
It is true. But I will say that that transition, that was one of the most difficult things. It's interesting. I did a YouTube video a couple years ago about quitting drinking because I originally.
- [43:07]
A
Did you completely quit?
- [43:08]
B
I completely quit. I originally quit as part of the weight loss. I was just gonna do a couple months to lose some extra pounds. And it was such a profound shift, mentally, emotionally, physically, that I just kept going. And I haven't. I now wonder if maybe I was a highly functional alcoholic for a number of years. I don't know the answer to that question, but I did a YouTube video maybe a year ago about quitting and it went viral and got a few million views. And the most common comment was from people saying was from former alcoholics saying, I quit drinking. It's the best thing I ever did. I still have not found a social life outside of it. Like, it's the. It's the one thing I miss is like, I used to have all these friends. I used to go out with them all the time. I'd go to the bar, I knew half the people there.
- [44:02]
A
Yeah.
- [44:02]
B
And they don't know, it's very hard to recreate that outside of it. And I. Part of it for me too, that I've noticed is that, like, my. Without alcohol, my personality is different. I'm much more introverted. I. My interests are narrower, which was completely. A total curveball, completely unexpected. It actually caused marriage problems, really, because I stopped enjoying things that I used to enjoy that had nothing to do with alcohol, and I became interested in other things. So we used to go to a lot of shows, and I kind of.
- [44:38]
A
Mean, like concerts or shows.
- [44:39]
B
Concerts, plays, musicals. And I kind of realized you didn't.
- [44:44]
A
Like them unless you were drunk.
- [44:46]
B
Yeah, I was like, I think I used to just go have a couple whiskeys and think I liked it, you know, Or I'm much more into, like, physical activity now. And like, I don't really enjoy sitting around and watching a TV show. Binging a TV show, like, the way I used to, you know, so it's just like. Yeah, it just. It disrupts.
- [45:11]
A
You just have to recreate, though. I mean, you have to recreate. You do that because there's friends who you want to do fun stuff with, like go on a ski trip or go hiking or go play pickle, which is a big thing in Austin.
- [45:23]
B
Yeah, it's everywhere. But I guess what I'm doing, I'm just putting out a PSA to people of, like, this is an unexpected thing that happened. Like, this was actually a very unexpected challenge related to this to the health church.
- [45:38]
A
Because you do. If you drop the friends and the people who are actually harming you in your life by kind of encouraging, engaging behaviors that, oh, let's go eat that sheet cake for tonight and watch those six hours of Netflix. That's not exactly good for you. And it does leave a gap. And I can imagine it's painful, but on the other side of it, I think it's really about being intentional in terms of how you rethink what's possible. I want to kind of take a little bit different direction, challenge you a little bit, because your whole schtick is like, I'm not really into self help. It's all kind of bullshit, and it all gives the wrong messages. And I think rather than being against self help, you're just the typical self help advice is not that helpful. And then your work really is about self help, but in a different way, with kind of a contrarian view. And for example, you have like, these five ideas that can change your life, which sound super depressing and are kind of like, humans suck. So Try to suck less or pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. There's embedded in these five things though, there's a lot of wisdom and it is kind of tongue in cheek and it kind of gets you to take a funny look at the beliefs that we are attached to that keep us suffering. So can you unpack that a little bit and tell us really how we can help ourselves as opposed to the current positive, everything is great. And if you just meditate and say enough mantras and have enough, have your.
- [47:11]
B
Kale smoothie in the morning, then everything will be perfect. So I often joke that I write self help for people who hate self help. So it is still self help, but it is, you know, it's kind of the contrarian self help. So those five ideas, I might get them wrong. You know, first one is humans suck. Try to suck less. I think this, there's in traditional self help, there's kind of this false idea that we were born perfect and we are corrupted through the tragedy of life. And that it's about getting back to our, you know, healing our inner child and getting back to our perfect nature and all this stuff. And it's like, actually, if you look at any biology or evolutionary psychology, it's like humans are a fucking mess and we are an incomplete project. And a lot of our suffering and pain and imperfections are very much baked in by evolution, like a feature, not a bug, of our psychology. And so we just need to accept that and accept that we are fundamentally imperfect. Our minds are imperfect, our bodies are imperfect, and we're just doing the best that we can to adapt to our environment. So I think that's a much healthier starting place of like, okay, how can you adapt better to your environment or be a more adaptable and functional human being rather than rediscovering your inner perfection or whatever.
- [48:37]
A
I mean, it's kind of like the wabi sabi idea, right? Like the imperfection.
- [48:41]
B
The perfection in the imperfection is in the imperfection totally.
- [48:44]
A
The thing was, pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
- [48:46]
B
Suffering is optional. So this is just like Buddhism 101, that life is pain essentially, that any sort of attachment or desire is. There's a pain associated with it. And the minute you, you deny that that pain exists or try to avoid that pain or try to pretend that that pain shouldn't be there. You. That's when you create suffering. The. There's an allegory from the Buddha that I love, which is the. It's called the two arrows. So he said that when, whenever you are Struck by an arrow. You're actually struck twice. So there's the. The first strike is the arrow piercing your skin and the physical pain that's associated with it. But the second pain is the. When you ask yourself, why was I the one struck with the arrow? What did I do to deserve psychological.
- [49:35]
A
Yeah, it's kind of like a cold plunge. Right. You get in and it's a sensation. Right. It's a sensation. And there's an idea. We attach that sensation. That it's bad.
- [49:46]
B
Yes.
- [49:47]
A
And that it's going to hurt us. I mean, if you stay there long enough. Yes, you'll die of hypothermia. But basically, I took one yesterday night and I'm in there, I'm like, okay, this is a sensation. And my choice to suffer from the sensation is a choice.
- [50:03]
B
Exactly.
- [50:03]
A
Right, exactly. And I think that's a really empowering thing because whatever happens to your life, I mean, I think I do this. I mean, most people do this, you end up in the sense of sort of a deeper level of suffering than you need to because you are stuck in sort of a belief about the meaning you attach to what happens.
- [50:25]
B
Absolutely.
- [50:26]
A
So. Oh, you know my ex wife Mia, who you met, and we split up and you wrote a book called Love is Not Enough. We deeply loved each other, but we just weren't a fit. And I ended up having all these beliefs that were causing me to suffer. I mean, it was painful to split up, but the suffering went on for a lot longer than needed because I held onto all these beliefs about it. I wasn't good enough. I'm never gonna find anybody again. I'm too old, I'm whatever, you know, like, she was the person who had the best relationship with my life today. You know, like all these things kind of were. And I'm never gonna find this again. And all these things kind of caused this unnecessary suffering, which turned out to be completely untrue. And I would have saved myself so much misery if I just kind of.
- [51:12]
B
Realized that you just stopped telling yourself stories.
- [51:14]
A
But it's the meaning we attached to things and events that cause the suffering. And then the question is, what causes us to attach that meaning? And how do we get to the root of that and the beliefs that are underneath that meaning? We create the meaning making machines that we are.
- [51:28]
B
What is also so dangerous is that we often forget that we, like you, spun up a bunch of stories about a painful event in your life. We all do that. It's human nature. But what happens most of the time, especially when we're young and we haven't developed enough self awareness is that we spin up these stories that cause us to suffer and then we forget that they're stories. We just live with them for decades, assuming that that's just the way the world is.
- [51:56]
A
That's right. It gets written in ink, not pencil.
- [51:58]
B
Exactly, exactly. And so I think the fundamental thing that therapy does is help people realize that their stories are just that, stories.
- [52:11]
A
And breaking that pattern is what sets you free. It is getting free of those constraining beliefs, those limiting beliefs that actually are the reason you suffer. It is not the event itself. Totally Gabor Mate has been on the podcast said it is not the trauma that causes the problem, it is the meaning we make from what happens to us. So the same event can happen to two different people and have totally different effects on them throughout their whole life because of the meaning we attach to it. And that's a very powerful thing. I actually once heard this anthropologist talk about these societies where they had really incredible cultures, where there was a lot of love, where they are highly functional, where kind of it worked. And they had four criteria that she noticed they all adhere to. First was to show up like everybody showed up. Two is to be present. Those aren't that hard, but harder than ever now these days it's getting pretty hard. Our attention robbing culture. The third was, and this kind of goes along with your honesty thing, tell the truth without blame or judgment. So that's a harder one to do. But telling the truth is hard. And then doing it without blaming somebody or judging somebody is also really hard.
- [53:20]
B
Extremely. Yeah.
- [53:21]
A
And the fourth one is the hardest. And this goes to the suffering part, which is be open to the outcome. So if you told this woman who you thought was amazing that you met in Brazil, that is now your wife, that, gee, you weren't really that available in this moment. You kind of liked her, but you had to be open to the outcome. She goes, see you later, buddy, you're a jerk. Or she was like, oh my God, I fell in love with this guy. He told the truth, but you didn't know which one was going to happen. And the reality is that when you tell the truth, you always meet reality as opposed to some fantasy or imaginary thing that's happening that's not really true. And you have a much more authentic life because you're actually meeting what is as opposed to what you're trying to construct to be or how you're going to try to control that outcome. So it's really powerful. So I think getting that is important. The next of the five rules here is everything you believe will one day fail you. This is how you grow.
- [54:27]
B
This is very similar.
- [54:28]
A
That sounds very freaking depressing.
- [54:30]
B
But this is very similar to what you were just talking about, right?
- [54:33]
A
You're happy or you're growing.
- [54:34]
B
I mean, every belief is a story, and every story is incomplete and slightly inaccurate. And really, what knowledge is and growth is, is just replacing inaccurate stories with slightly less inaccurate stories. You know, it's the stories that you and I believe today that have helped us so much get through our past struggles will one day fail and create our future struggles, and then we'll have to update our stories again. And so that's just kind of.
- [55:02]
A
You mean we're going to need constant software updates?
- [55:04]
B
Yeah, exactly, exactly. We just need to be patched all the time. But I truly believe that that is like you never figure out the capital T truth in life. You just become slightly less wrong.
- [55:19]
A
And so having this kind of perspective, you think, does it help you avoid the pain of the disappointment of failure?
- [55:30]
B
I think so, because failure just illuminates the areas of your life that you were wrong, that your stories were inaccurate so you can update them. But also, I think it's just a much better starting point to assume that everything you believe in your life is already wrong and that they just need to be updated with better, more accurate versions of the story. But also, when you believe that you're not gonna hold onto a story as, like, being irrefutable, capital T true. Because that's when the real suffering starts, is when you refuse to update one of your stories or one of your beliefs because you're like, no, this has to be true. This is like, there's nothing else can be more right than this. And now that forces you to lie.
- [56:21]
A
How do you update the software? Because it's really hard to do that. And are there practical ways that you found to actually help people do this? Because it sounds great. We're talking about it. Okay, great. Everything is going to fail. You got to update your beliefs. You're going to grow as a result. You know, we've all experienced that, but it's usually with a lot of misery. So you're talking about somehow recognizing this is going to take the misery out of it and help you just kind of, you know, seize an opportunity, I think, you know, I found that, you know, even those things are rough sometimes. When shitty things happen. I go, okay, this is a moment for me to pay attention, and I can either keep repeating the Same stupid shit. Or update my. Update my software program.
- [57:00]
B
Yeah, yeah. I think dialogue with smart and open people who care about you and who don't judge you, I think is absolutely crucial because it's like the thing about stories is that they're verbal in nature. At the very least, I think journaling or writing out your thoughts and feelings on a subject and playing with what could be true or what might not be true, I think that's kind of a minimum starting place because you need to play with the language around your beliefs and. And discover the language around your beliefs. But I think having really good, open, compassionate people in your life is absolutely fundamental. Ideally it's a partner, a friend, a family member, but at a minimum it's a therapist or a coach, somebody who can kind of look at your story and be like, well, what if this was true and not that? Right?
- [57:55]
A
Yeah, it's really, it's so true. I think this is critical because if you don't have a process, it's hard to get there. And the first process you mentioned was something actually I did because after I left my last marriage, I was like, I'm never going to do this again. And I don't care what I have to do, even if never been with anybody again. And I work with a coach and what I had, she made me do was every day I had to write down all the stupid shit my head was saying. My lower self, just all the drivel that goes on between my ears that I just had to be fully honest about, that I embarrassed to even say out loud, nonetheless write it down and send it to somebody to read. I had to do that and religiously kind of investigate my own beliefs and thinking and lower self. And then at the same time I had to try, which wasn't always easy, to call on my higher self to tell a different story about the truth, to try to get to the truth. And sometimes it was my higher, lower self, which is the trickster that thinks it's the higher self. Your lower self that thinks it's the higher self.
- [58:59]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [58:59]
A
I do like breathwork and yoga and I'm enlightened or whatever, you know, And I mean, listen, I was a yoga teacher before I was a doctor. So I'm not just a paradigm yoga teacher. So just to be clear, but I love yoga.
- [59:09]
B
It happens a lot. It happens a lot.
- [59:11]
A
But the second thing was really, in addition doing that was I recently started working with another coach and I, I asked for a 360, which is for those who don't Know what it is? It's basically I picked 10 people in my life from work, personal life, and it was all anonymous. And they got to talk to my coach and they got to completely unload all their perceptions of me, their views of me, their beliefs about me, their experiences, interactions with me. What it meant, how it occurred to them. And it was amazing. Was a little bit painful for me, actually, because I didn't realize how I occurred to other people.
- [59:47]
B
Yeah.
- [59:48]
A
And one of the feedback I got was that people didn't feel like I was interested in them.
- [59:54]
B
Interesting.
- [59:55]
A
And I started and they felt like I was more kind of obsessed with myself. And I would talk about myself and they were right. And I kind of looked at what that was and I kind of went all the way back into when I was about 18. And I had. I really had no friends growing up. I mean, I was one kid that I think was autistic. That was my friend. He had like Asperger's or something.
- [60:22]
B
Yeah.
- [60:23]
A
And another guy who was, you know, we play cards and stuff. But basically I was pretty lonely and isolated and disconnected. And I thought nobody liked me because I wasn't interesting. And then I decided that in order to be liked and be accepted, I had to become interesting. And what I realized it did was it made me talk more about myself in a way that made me look good. I went on this great trip, I had this great experience. Look who I met. Look this fun shit. I'm doing whatever.
- [60:57]
B
Right.
- [60:58]
A
And it really occurred to me that I really was very. I'm very interested in people and I really do care. And I have relationships where that shows up. But, you know, I realized that I needed to focus on being interested.
- [61:12]
B
Yes.
- [61:13]
A
More than interesting.
- [61:14]
B
Yeah.
- [61:15]
A
But that's what was driving. And I wouldn't have really. I wouldn't have really known that unless I'd gotten all this feedback from all these people that I care about and love. And it was really helpful in changing that belief.
- [61:25]
B
That's a great example of. Yeah. Updating a story. It's funny, I did a seminar years and years ago where they had us do this exercise which is stuck with me ever since. Like whenever you have kind of like that negative drivel, you know, or just self loathing going on in your head.
- [61:40]
A
I call my inner asshole the inner asshole.
- [61:43]
B
So it was a really cool exercise. I honestly, I forget who taught it to me or where it came from. But it's basically, you take three sheets of paper. First sheet of paper, you just write out all of those horrible things that you're feeling about yourself. Or it could work with somebody else as well if you're really pissed off at somebody else. So you just. The first sheet of paper is just like all the negative, awful shit. Second sheet of paper is you write all of the counterarguments and the positive things and the sunny side and hey, he didn't mean it or you didn't mean it. You have good intentions, you're misunderstood, you're actually very compassionate. All this stuff.
- [62:23]
A
Take the opposite position.
- [62:24]
B
Take the complete.
- [62:25]
A
Kind of like Byron Katie talks about, right?
- [62:26]
B
Take the complete opposite position. And then the third sheet of paper is the truth.
- [62:34]
A
That's good, that's good, that's good.
- [62:37]
B
You try to, try to find where the truth is between the first two sheets.
- [62:40]
A
That's good. I mean, in a way what you're saying to people is like, inquire about yourself in a disciplined, regimented way. And two, find people who love you, who know you, who you can ask to be fully honest with you. And you can say to them, like, I really want your feedback. And no matter how difficult it might be, I'm here to listen to it. I'm not gonna react.
- [63:06]
B
Yeah.
- [63:06]
A
And I'm gonna just try to receive it. And that's a scary thing to do. It is, but it's so friggin liberating. Because then you go, wow, I didn't know that I was acting like that or doing that or seeming like this, or people thought I was this or that. I'm like, you know. And of course people are gonna project whatever they project and meeting whatever they make on you based on their own sets of beliefs and attitudes. And I think I've learned that a long time ago. You've got to be cautious about when people give you feedback because it's coming from their own stuff. Right. And that's another thing that happened when I was at 18, I was backpacking in Canada and I was by myself and I was sleeping on the river, camping out in the Spray river in Banff and working at a gas station, walking six miles each way back and forth to work every day to pump gas and get some groceries. And I found this other camp with this guy, this older British guy who was just kind of mean and he would just make fun of me and kind of insult me and ridicule me. It was just devastating. And I realized in that moment it was like an epiphany. I said, okay, either when people are doing that, it's because it's their shit that they're projecting onto Me. Or there may be something I should look at and I should be grateful for that feedback, even though it comes in a nasty package. And then it's an opportunity for me to look at myself and grow. And that really helped me kind of shift and not be so much at the whim of what everybody was thinking. But this process is really. I really love it. Okay, next one is something called you deserve happiness. Sorry, you don't deserve happiness. Let's redo that. The next one of your five, five simple ideas to change your life is you do not deserve happiness. In fact, you do not deserve anything. That doesn't seem right.
- [64:59]
B
Well, the most. I would say the most. You know, you and I were having this whole conversation around stories. The way we spin up stories, the way we suffer because of our stories, the way we need to update our stories. I would say the most common story that our brain naturally spins up is you deserve this or you don't deserve that. Right. And it goes both ways. It goes, you know, and I think this. It tends. The strength of the deserving story tends to be proportional to the intensity of the emotion. So it's like the more we're hurt, the more intense the story we tell ourselves of either I didn't deserve this, or I did deserve this or this person deserves that. And the truth is that in most cases, like, the deserving thing is, it's a very, like. I think in a legal construct, it makes a lot of sense. Right. It's like you rob a gas station, then you deserve some sort of punishment, but on an emotional basis, if you.
- [66:00]
A
Rob a drugstore in California, you don't deserve punishment. Is that how the law is now?
- [66:08]
B
I don't know what the fuck the law is these days.
- [66:10]
A
Shoplift. Yeah, it's fine.
- [66:13]
B
So the point I'm making. Making is that there's a legal level that you can make. There's the deserving story or the deserving argument. But I think on a personal level, it's just over the years, the conclusion I've come to is to just eliminate as many of these deserving stories as possible.
- [66:30]
A
Entitlement.
- [66:31]
B
Yeah. Because if you spin up stories saying that you deserve great things, sure, that can motivate you, can make you feel good, but it can also make you entitled. It can make you narcissistic. It. It can make you, you know, it can justify a lot of bad behavior towards other people. If you spin up stories saying that you don't deserve things. Well, now you're minimizing yourself. You're limiting Yourself, you're making yourself more insecure. You know, it's like, how about just don't have the story in the first place? Like, do I deserve to be happy? I don't know, right? Like, some days I'm happy, some days I'm not. Do I deserve that? I don't. Who the fuck knows, right?
- [67:05]
A
Yeah.
- [67:05]
B
Does it matter? No. Just do the good thing.
- [67:09]
A
Yeah. I mean, I think. I think, you know, it reminds me of when I was in college. I don't know. At least all these stories are coming through when you're talking, so I don't know.
- [67:17]
B
We're revisiting your forlorn youth.
- [67:21]
A
And I was sitting. I was sitting on the floor of my best friend's apartment, like, get a little room in college. And we were both kind of hippies and backpacking. He says, mark, you know, if you haven't placed sleep, if you have some clothes to wear and you have some food to eat, everything else is gravy. And I'm like, you're kind of right. And so anything else that comes is just a gift or a blessing and not an entitlement.
- [67:47]
B
Totally. And I think that's.
- [67:49]
A
It's very liberating.
- [67:50]
B
It's very important too, because this kind of gets back to the Kahneman thing, is that. And this gets back to the reference point thing is that human psychology is such that our reference point for what is good or bad is always changing. It's always shifting upward. Like, the more our life improves, the more our baseline of what we expect of ourselves increases. Right. And so that's a perfect example of, like, you know, you've got food, you got shelter, you know, you're healthy, you're young. Like, why do you need anything?
- [68:23]
A
Why are you whining?
- [68:24]
B
Yeah, why are you whining? Like, why do you feel like you deserve anything else? Right? And it's. Again, the deserving story is a dangerous story because often our set points of what is a good life and what is a bad life are just completely irrational and based on status games, power struggles, silly frivolous shit that doesn't really matter.
- [68:44]
A
Yeah, it's so true. Okay. Your last simple idea to change your life is everything you love will one day be lost. This is what makes life meaningful. And I wrote a book called Young Forever about longevity. And in the research for the book, there's a lot of scientists talking about this idea of longevity escape velocity, which means that the science will continue to evolve so fast that we'll keep extending our life faster than our rate of Aging, which means we will never die. And I'm actually having dinner tonight with Brian Johnson.
- [69:20]
B
How funny.
- [69:21]
A
Whose whole mission in life is don't die. Literally. He's got a whole brand called Don't Die. And when I think about that, I mean, yes, I would love to have another 60, I don't know, 100 years of incredibly vigorous, healthy life and do whatever I want to do. As long as I can be HELI Skiing at 100, I'm good. But it's that sense that it's all going to go away that makes it so precious. Like every morning I wake up with my wife and I'm like so excited to see her. And every day I'm like, oh my God, this is a gift. Because I know how precious and fleeting this is. And one day it's not going to be there. And so it makes me value and savor every moment in a way that actually makes life way more enjoyable. So I don't like the idea of not dying.
- [70:12]
B
I'm glad to hear you say that. I'm actually curious because I want to.
- [70:16]
A
Be long lived and healthy, but I think I want to die.
- [70:20]
B
I'm on the same, I'm 100% on the same page. Like, I'd love to live to 200. That sounds great. But like, you know, at some point I want to get off the boat. And it's. And it's because of this. It's because meaning and value is driven by scarcity. And if as soon as something stops being scarce, we stop appreciating and it stops feeling meaningful. And so I just, I don't think our psychological mechanisms are like built to live in a post scarce existence. Like, I feel like. So this is when like the writer in me starts getting really excited. I start imagining like a sci fi novel of like a person who like realistically can't die. Like to me that it's. It seems to me that that would be an incredibly bleak existence. Yeah, like nothing would seem worthwhile, nothing would seem important. No relationships would seem worth. Like that person would not feel inclined to speak to anybody because everybody you speak to is gonna die at some point. So why create a relationship if you're just gonna lose it and there's just gonna be an infinite amount of future relationships. There's nothing special or unique about that. So I think, like, it calls in, the question is like, what becomes scarce if death is solved? And can anything be meaningful in like a post death existence? And I'm not sure that it can.
- [71:51]
A
Yeah, we don't know, who knows? Maybe.
- [71:54]
B
Do you think, I'm curious, do you think that a longevity escape velocity is possible?
- [72:01]
A
You know, listen, if you talk to my grandmother who was born in 1900, and you told her there were going to be men walking on the moon and we were going to have these supercomputers in her pockets that had all the features that our iPhone has, that we could interact with an intelligent source like ChatGPT that would tell us anything about anything in three seconds. She would probably go, there is no freaking way that's possible. I mean, there weren't even cars or telephones or electricity or flush toilets when she was born, Right? Yeah. And so I don't know is the answer. There are certain things scientifically that I've talked about and that are in my book, certain, you know, things that allow us to do epigenetic reprogramming, essentially taking your cells that are old and reprogramming back to a younger you through something called Yamanaka factors. And there's a lot of research going on around this aging. Research is in its infancy around longevity because it wasn't even considered something worthy of research or study. The only reason it's getting any attention now is because a lot of billionaires are just really wanting to live a long time. So they're like, yeah, they don't want to die or they just want to figure it out. And so there's literally billions of dollars from Google and Altoslab and Jeff Bezos and Sam Altman and all these guys are just pouring billions of dollars, which I think is great because we're learning so much. But I think it may happen. But listen, if I could, if I could take a pill or get a gene inserted into me that would take me back to my mid-30s, when I was the peak of my mental and physical performance, sure, that would be great. If I could. My biological age is 39 now, but my back age is 139. So if I could get my back to 39, I'd be great. I'm with you there. I'm all for all that stuff, but I think it's more about the meaning and I think the values we have. So just to kind of close up a little bit, I think I'm going to put you on this stuff out a little bit because your work is about poking fun at all the positive psychology, self help stuff and how it's not really that helpful. But you're not against people actually thinking about how to create a philosophy and a set of values that creates meaning. In their life. That's different from the typical self help advice. So how do we as human beings start to create kind of a value system for ourself that we can live through and with and in that allows us to be fully expressed? Because for me, I don't know what your philosophy is on this, but my belief is that our souls came here to get free. That we, we came here to be fully expressed human beings. In the Pierce expression, you know, like Dalai Lama. I don't know if he's enlightened or not enlightened, but like I was at a conference with him on longevity and he was on stage and he was all these muckety mucks and Nobel prize winners and this and that. And he just was like looked around, he's like, I gotta pee. And he like gets up, he like runs off the stage and goes and pees. You know, like not trying to be anybody, pretend to be anything and just fully expressed present human being.
- [75:18]
B
Yeah, I mean that question about like, what do we value? What is worth improving? I feel like that's the question of our time. And I think, as you accurately put it, you know, my goal isn't to overthrow the self help industry or debunk the self help industry. It's really just to like realign it around healthier questions, you know, and analogous to what we were talking about with like the diet stuff, it's like, you know, most of what gets sold in my industry is the equivalent of a fad diet. And I'm trying to be the guy who's like, no, no, no. It's actually just really basic questions that philosophers and religions have been asking for 2,000 years that we all need to ask ourselves. And even if you're not religious, even if you don't want to meditate like tons of hours, these are really simple questions that I think in this day and age we should all be asking ourselves and thinking really hard about.
- [76:11]
A
Yeah, and you didn't pull us out of your ass. I mean, you were deeply steeped in the research around a lot of this. And you talk about a lot of the studies that were reflect the underlying reasoning behind your thinking, like the marshmallow test or the Stanford Prison experiment or studies by Marty Sigman about learned helplessness or the happiness research by Daniel Kahneman, the paradox of choice by Barry Schwartz. So flow theory and all these, attachment theory and the list goes on. But you're not just kind of just randomly like kind of being a dick and saying all you self help people are idiots sometimes. But there's a lot of great science, and often the science contradicts common sense.
- [76:50]
B
It does, it does. It does. We are, again, this comes back to humans suck, try to suck less. We're not optimized for truth. We're optimized for self preservation. And part of that self preservation is ego preservation. So being aware of those mechanisms is extremely important to maintain our mental health and our happiness. So, yeah, and I just try to find fun and creative ways to express those ideas to people.
- [77:21]
A
You know what's really kind of cool in this moment in history is the psychedelic revolution. There was this psychedelic revolution in the 60s, and actually the CIA was responsible for it. They were literally doing. I don't know the story, but there's a great book called, I mean, a movie called the Magic Bus. And it was basically about Ken Kesey, who was A. Wrote 1 Flip the Cuckoo's Nest. And he got a grant to go write this book at Stanford in Palo Alto. And he didn't have any money. And there was ongoing experiments there by the CIA on lsd. And so they would pay him to go take acid and other people take acid, and then they'd put him in a lab and they'd watch what happens. He's like, man, this stuff is great. And so he basically, basically thought it was the next greatest thing. So he took a bus around the country and basically gave everybody LSD and went, you know, out and met Timothy Leary and Richard Alpert, who became Ram Dass, and then met Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsberg and then came back and, you know, kind of created the Liquid Koolaid Acid test in. In Menlo park, where the Grateful Dead basically was the house band and they had.
- [78:29]
B
I didn't realize it started that way.
- [78:31]
A
Yeah, it was basically a CIA, started the psychedelic revolution. That's pretty funny. And now we're undergoing the Second Renaissance where there's real research going on. And a lot of the things you're talking about are based on. And the suffering that we have is based on the beliefs that we have about our ego and our small self and the survivalist sort of software that's programmed into us that has us as separate entities, as separate beings that have to protect and defend ourself and have to lie and steal, do whatever the hell we have to do to get ahead and to make sure we don't die. But psychedelics are really an interesting compound because a set of compounds, because they basically shut off the ego is what they do. When they look at brains of meditators who've been meditating for 40 years on MRI and they look at brains of people who are on psychedelics. The same part of the brain gets shut off, which is this ego part that is called the Default Mode Network. And I'm actually having Michael Pollan on tomorrow.
- [79:33]
B
Oh, cool.
- [79:34]
A
On the podcast. Well, not tomorrow. You guys listening? It's not really tomorrow, it's just tomorrow I'm recording it. Yeah, Mark gets how it goes. Anyway, to me it's really exciting because it's a way to shortcut a lot of the suffering that people have. And we're seeing it as a far more effective treatment for depression, for anxiety, for ptsd, for all kinds of addiction. Many, many things that people are suffering with on a mental level that prevent them from actually even being able to get to do the things you're talking about. So I think I love your kind of actually optimistic, nihilistic philosophy.
- [80:09]
B
Yes, that's a good way to put it.
- [80:11]
A
And I like that combined with some of the new tools and treatments that are going to be available that really help people get free. And that's, that's really, I think, to me what your work has been about was about, geez, all these things that people are trying to get free and be happy they don't frickin work. And yeah, people are selling a lot of books, but the reason your book caught on is because it hit a chord in people that they kind of realized it was all BS and they need to think about it differently. So it's so great that you're out there doing this. You didn't mean to be you.
- [80:45]
B
Do any of us.
- [80:46]
A
No. And you kind of, you got sideways a little bit caught up in it. And I'm glad to see you back healthy and fit and looking amazing. I would love to help people learn how they can kind of connect more to your work.
- [80:58]
B
Sure.
- [80:59]
A
I mean, there's your book, obviously, the Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. There's your other book, which is Everything is Fucked, but it actually has a hopeful title in it as well, which.
- [81:07]
B
Is a book about hope.
- [81:08]
A
Yeah, it's a book about hope. You know, it's like, okay, everything's fucked, but let's be hopeful. But you also have a lot of online content, Mark Manson.net, but you've got courses and podcasts. So tell us where people can learn more, how to kind of get into what you're doing.
- [81:25]
B
Sure. So obviously the books. I have a podcast called the Subtle Art Not Giving a Fuck podcast comes out every Wednesday and free Newsletter every Monday morning I just share, it's called you'd Next Breakthrough. And I just share a couple ideas, a question and a challenge for all the readers each Monday. And then I share, I invite readers to send their experiences from the challenge in and then we post them in the next Monday's newsletter. And so we're up over a million people now.
- [81:57]
A
That's amazing.
- [81:58]
B
We've had over 11,000 breakthroughs. So check it out. It's a free newsletter. Just go to markmanson.net it's right here.
- [82:05]
A
Like a Midwife for transformation. I love that. Okay, so last question is, what are you most excited about now in your life?
- [82:12]
B
So I'm doing, I'm actually doing a series of kind of documentary style YouTube videos around the intersection of culture and mental health. So we've shot four of them. We're going to start releasing them. I don't know when this is coming out, but we're going to start releasing them in October of this year. So it's just out in Hungary. Hungary has the most alcoholics per capita in the world.
- [82:34]
A
Really.
- [82:35]
B
So we did a whole investigation of like, what, what are the historical and cultural reasons behind that? Portugal has the highest diagram.
- [82:41]
A
Paprika causes alcoholism.
- [82:44]
B
Paprika. It's all the goulash.
- [82:46]
A
Goulash. Who knew?
- [82:50]
B
Portugal has the highest rate of anxiety disorders in the world. So we, we went to Lisbon and spent a week there and talked to a bunch of psychiatrists, Portuguese psychiatrists.
- [82:59]
A
They have those fried doughnuts that everybody eats, make them.
- [83:02]
B
I love how your mind just immediately goes to food. Your brain is just immediately like, what do they eat in that country? And then we've already posted one of South Korea. South Korea has the highest suicide rate in the developed world. So we did one on that as well.
- [83:17]
A
So this is like the opposite of the blue zones. These are like the gray zones.
- [83:21]
B
Yeah, well, it's, you know, every, every culture, I mean, everywhere has its mental health issues, right? Every country has its mental health crisis. But what's interesting is that it manifests in different ways in different cultures. So what's so exciting about this project is just going and trying to understand why it manifests in this way in this country. What is it about the history, the politics, the economics?
- [83:50]
A
And are you figuring it out and then are you hoping to provide insights about how they can get some relief?
- [83:55]
B
I mean, I develop theories and ultimately it's like there are practical takeaways for everybody. Right. So in the case of South Korea, the wars that happened throughout the 20th century generated like a pressure cooker of a culture that resulted in this mental health crisis. And so it's like people can draw parallels to their own life. Right. Because it's like we all have pressures on us for certain things and there's all. We all have traumas or catastrophes in our own lives. So, you know, ultimately the goal is to give people takeaways. But for me, just as like a psych nerd and somebody who loves to travel has just been like, so much fun. So much fun.
- [84:38]
A
I love that. Let me go on a trip around the world and look at people's mental health and do cool shit about it.
- [84:45]
B
Exactly.
- [84:46]
A
I actually wanted to create a show like that race called, you know, food is medicine show where I go around the world and like kind of Anthony Bourdain meets Dr. Hyman.
- [84:54]
B
Yeah, that'd be great.
- [84:56]
A
But I'm excited about thinking about how we kind of show what's going on in the world and people learn because food wise.
- [85:04]
B
Yeah.
- [85:04]
A
I mean, just America's so ethnocentric in every particular way, so I think more than half the population doesn't even have a passport.
- [85:11]
B
Yeah.
- [85:11]
A
So, Mark, it's really great to have you on the podcast. I could talk to you forever. I can think we'll continue talking for a long time. Forever.
- [85:19]
B
Maybe if we solve, if we get.
- [85:23]
A
Longevity, if everybody's thin and happy, then we don't have any work to do. We can just sit on the beach in Malibu and watch the sunset.
- [85:31]
B
Works for me, man.
- [85:32]
A
All right, well, thanks for being here and everybody check out Mark's work. And thanks for listening to the podcast. Thanks for listening today. If you love this podcast, please share it with your friends and family. Leave a comment on your own best practices on how you upgrade your health and subscribe for wherever you get your podcasts and follow me on all social media channels at Dr. Mark Hyman. And we'll see you next time on the Doctor's Pharmacy. I'm always getting questions about my favorite books, podcasts, gadgets, supplements, recipes, and lots more. And now you can have access to all of this information by signing up for my free Marks picks newsletter@Dr.hyman.com markspicks I promise I'll only email you once a week on Fridays and I'll never share your email address or send you any anything else besides my recommendations. These are the things that have helped me on my health journey and I hope they'll help you too. Again, that's Dr. Hyman.commandspicks Thank you again and we'll see you next time on the Doctor's Pharmacy. This podcast is separate from my clinical practice at the Ultra Wellness center and my work at Cleveland Clinic and Function Health, where I'm the Chief Medical Officer. This podcast represents my opinions and my guest opinions, and neither myself nor the podcast endorses the views or statements of my guests. This podcast is for educational purposes only. This podcast is not a substitute for professional care by a doctor or other qualified medical professional. This podcast is provided on the understanding that it does not constitute medical or other professional advice or services. Now, if you're looking for your help in your journey, seek out a qualified medical practitioner. You can come see us at the Ultra Wellness center in Lenox, Massachusetts. Just go to ultrawellnesscenter.com if you're looking for a functional medicine practitioner near you, you can visit ifm.org and search find a practitioner database. It's important that you have someone in your corner who is trained, who is a licensed healthcare practitioner and can help you make changes, especially when it comes to your health. Keeping this podcast free is part of my mission to bring practical ways of improving health to the general public. In keeping with that theme, I'd like to express gratitude to the sponsors that made today's podcast possible.