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Dr. John DeLoney
Foreign. This is an ad for better help. You work hard to be the strong one for everyone else, but you're running on empty. That pressure just doesn't disappear. It takes over your life. And talking to someone can help. Go to betterhelp.com deloney for 10% off.
Kelly
Can you believe that you haven't got pulled off the air in 900 episodes?
Dr. John DeLoney
Your clever editing is much more extensive than I thought.
Kelly
What should couples make sure they agree on before getting married? What is your current morning routine and how has that changed over the years? Is emotional cheating or physical cheating worse?
Dr. John DeLoney
Oh, that's tough. What up? It's the 900th episode of the Dr. John DeLoney Show. Nine hundo. Dude, that's awesome.
Kelly
I know. Can you believe that you haven't gotten pulled off the air in 900 episodes?
Dr. John DeLoney
I've gotten pulled off. But your clever editing, which I found out recently, is much more extensive than I thought.
Kelly
Yeah, for those out there. I don't think John realized that I do my darndest because I have bills to pay.
Dr. John DeLoney
No, you do your damnedest.
Kelly
You do your dam make sure we stay on the air. And sometimes that has to be involve a little creativity. I basically, I save you from yourself.
Dr. John DeLoney
I don't need save. I do need to save you for myself.
Kelly
Do we need to play the. The.
Dr. John DeLoney
Nope. We're good. We're good. Something. Yeah. So if you happen to have a job where the person you work with is being recorded all the time, a useful potential HR move is what Ben does. He just has a folder for in case my job is on the line. And it's all the things Kelly edits out of the show that he has in a folder somewhere. It's a big folder. It's a big folder. It's a big folder. All right, so as we do every one of these stone episodes, we do
Kelly
the ask me anything.
Dr. John DeLoney
The ask me anythings. All right, So I. You sent them to me. I got my head down trying to edit this book, so I haven't even opened it. So these are gonna just come riw. We're gonna high on our own supply and we're gonna just get it done.
Kelly
All right. You ready for the first one?
Dr. John DeLoney
Let's do it.
Kelly
Okay. What should couples make sure they agree on before getting married? I.
Dr. John DeLoney
You know what? I. This is a great question. I think the thing they should agree on the most is how we will talk to each other when things don't go the way we want or think they're going to go. I. Because I Think there's so much pressure. You have to agree on this. You have to agree on this. You have to agree on this. I don't think that's true anymore. I think there's some things statistically out in the world that say most couples do better if they talk, if they agree on these things. That's all true. Right. If you agree with somebody, of course, it greases the wheels and makes interactions easier. But I. I think the thing that you need to agree on is we are going to remain friends and we're going to do things that keep our friendship not only intact, but it. That juices our friendship up and that we're going to come up with a way to talk about things when we get sideways and. And. Or when we disagree. And I think. Let me add one more thing. I think having a set of values underneath everything that y' all anchor into is important. The challenge is some people listen to the show and they're 20 and they just got married. Some people are getting married for the third time and they're 56 or whatever, like 75 or whatever. And so what you think is a value at 19 is going to change. And so I want folks to have the same values. I don't care about their beliefs.
Kelly
Give some. If you would expand on values versus beliefs. What's the difference? And when you talk about. Because it seems kind of.
Dr. John DeLoney
Values are squishy. Yeah. Values are who you are. Here's who we are. Beliefs are ways I'm gonna live out who I am. Right. And so here that again, I don't want to be more squishy, but here's a good example. My wife and I have a shared value that we believe in God. Now, our belief to how that is expressed in our lives, what we actually believe about that, what we believe, that means for how we act, how we post things on the Internet or don't wait. Those things have changed a thousand times. And they'll chat, they'll change a thousand times more. And often we don't believe even the same thing, but we're anchored in the same value that. That we're going to seek this thing. Right. Another thing is generosity. We're people who are overly generous. That's just one of our core values. And I would rather get to the end of my life with an empty wallet than get to the end of my life with. I could have helped out some folks. And whatever I like, my wife likes. Very formal. Let's help this particular group out. I like walking around and seeing the security guard Last night at the club, it was, it was a security guard was working on Easter. We're recording this a day after Easter. And I had just got some, I had some cash from another thing, like, and I was like, dude, that guy's exhausted. It's cold outside. Like. And so I like to be generous in, in private, quiet ways that nobody sees that's going to affect that guy or that woman's day today. My wife likes more formal things and so us always navigating what that looks like. We both have different beliefs on how we want to do that, but a core value is we're obnoxiously generous people. And so when she says, hey, I really want to give to this thing, that's not coming out of the blue and I'm going to do whatever I can to figure that out. And when she's like, hey, you had that 20 or that 50 or something dollar bill yesterday in the car, I need that for. I'm like, I gave that somebody. She doesn't get mad, right? Because she knows that's, that's who the guy I married is. Right. So that's the difference between values and beliefs.
Kelly
Okay, so what do you do? So beliefs. And you said those, they've changed a thousand times and they'll change a thousand more. Is that just continuous conversation about how that's changed? Do you have to have the big sit down conversations when the beliefs part change again?
Dr. John DeLoney
If your ego is tied to, you have to believe everything I do, I believe. And if your ego is tied to, you have to like everything that I like and you have to be passionate about the things I'm passionate about. I hear that a lot. Like, my wife's not passionate about my music. Who cares? My hope is she's passionate about how passionate you are about that thing. I will never be as passionate about gardening as my wife is. She went and got her master certification, like here in Tennessee to become a master gardener. Like, I'll never have that kind of interest. I love eating the produce when she's. When in, in the, in the fall,
Kelly
which by the way, my husband has his as well. So I feel you.
Dr. John DeLoney
But I am super passionate. I love how much she loves gardening. She thinks stand up comedy is kind of not that great. I love it. And she especially doesn't think I'm funny and. But she really loves how much I love this thing. Right. And so if your ego is tied into, everybody has to believe what I believe, then a, you're gonna have a miserable, lonely, moronic life, and B, you're putting a ton of pressure on somebody to be something they're not. And that means your marriage, over time, will become performative. Right? And so all that to say is, man, believe what you believe. That's why we read books. That's why we listen to shows. That's why we, like, go to, like, lectures. That's why we listen to podcasts, so we can learn new things. Like, I know what I believe. Show me something else. And that's the fun adventure of life. And Esther Perel said this, and I just love it, but I think it's understated. She says most adults will have three or four or five. I don't remember exact number of great loves in their lifetime. And if they work really hard, they can be with the same person. I love that sentiment. I just think it underestimates the amount of change people have. I'm, like, on version 14 of myself. My wife is on version. She hasn't changed much as me, but, like, six or seven of herself, which means for me, I get to always be discovering a new person as my wife is becoming whatever she's becoming. And I've just learned to let go and love that part of my life. Like, what are you into now? What do you like now? What do you not like now in the bedroom? What did you used to like that you don't like anymore? What are you, like, interested in? Like, I. Getting to know somebody new has become awesome. And when you're anchored into. We're married and there's not a chance you're going to leave, man, what a fun, adventurous life you can have. But it. It. It takes you letting go of your ego that what I believe is right, and you have to believe what I. What a stupid thing The. The belief is. Like, let's. Let's get the same values and let's navigate our beliefs. Occasionally, beliefs will crash into, yeah, we need to have a sit down. But I. I think it doesn't have to be that dramatic most of the time.
Kelly
All right, second question. I just got out of a relationship, and I was hurt pretty badly. Is it wrong for me to stay single?
Dr. John DeLoney
No, stay single is awesome. What I would suggest is not staying single. As a defense mechanism, but staying single as a recovery mechanism. The mechanism's the wrong word to use there, but yeah, dude, like, if you blow your knee out or you hurt your foot, like, you don't go play basketball the next day on another court. Like, you need to take some time out. If you get injured and then you go get surgery and you go to rehab and you get well and then you avoid playing ever again. Maybe that's the right choice for you. But I want you to be intentional about that choice. Right. I have had three different knee surgeries on. All of those were related to adult basketball leagues. I'm calling it like I'm good. Right. So I. If you got your heartbroken, you got hurt, somebody treated you bad, somebody's abusive or whatever.
Kelly
Yeah.
Dr. John DeLoney
Dude. Take some time to heal. Take some time to, to metabolize that. Take some time to ask yourself what do you really want? And this is a hard question and I don't mean this to but ask yourself and get some wisdom from a counselor, from a close group of friends. Did you contribute anything to some, to that situation? Is this the second or third or fourth person who's hurt you? And if so, what are you bringing to these relationships? What are you looking for in relationships? So being reflective and then asking yourself, moving forward, what's going to be different about any new relationships I get into. But I will say this. Being single is different than being alone. And if somebody breaks your heart romantically, it is not healthy to turtle up and not hang out with all humans. It's. It's good to say I'm not on the dating market right now. That's find well and good. And there's some people that just being single is awesome and they are full and whole in their life and they don't want to get married, they don't need to get married. Great, awesome. Wonderful. Live your best life. But for most of us. Yeah. What do you think?
Kelly
Oh, I agree. I. I know people that bounce from one to the other like relationship wise without. Because I think it's a fear of being alone. So they bounce from the one to the other when sometimes you need that time in between.
Dr. John DeLoney
I think almost all of them.
Kelly
Yeah. To figure out what happened. And in the case of the person that I'm thinking of, this happens over and over and over and over. What's the common denominator here?
Dr. John DeLoney
Ao.
Kelly
Yeah, you. Yeah. And so what am I bringing, what am I expect? In the case of this person, it's. The expectations are too unrealistic. And when said person, that person can't live up to them, then it's on to the next. So. But yeah, I think it's important. But again, yeah. And I know some people that never got married, never wanted to get married. They're fine and they just, they love their life. Great. But don't do it because you're scared to get hurt.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kelly
All right, now we're getting to the little less existential questions.
Dr. John DeLoney
Oh, you just smiled. What is this one?
Kelly
No, this one's not bad at all. So, your current morning routine. And I just wanna preface this by saying. So since we've been doing AMAs, people have always had a huge interest in your morning routine. And now, having said that, your morning routine from when we started doing this five years ago has been all over the map and sometimes has been flat out crazy.
Dr. John DeLoney
I was a douche 9.0.
Kelly
I mean, oh, my God, it has been. It's been insane.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yes.
Kelly
So the question is, what is your current morning routine? And how has that changed over the years?
Dr. John DeLoney
Man, I'll answer the second question first. It's dramatically different. Like, wildly different.
Kelly
Your morning routine has been exhausting to hear about.
Dr. John DeLoney
Over. It was pathological. It was. It was a. It was a. I'll go back and say I needed to do it, but right this second, the last year or so or six months, in all honesty, it's. It's been pretty chaotic as I'm. Whenever I. I know that when I start a book project, I'm giving up a year of my life. I know that. And so I get out of balance all over the place. Like, this morning I was up. I don't know, 4:45. I think I was up writing because I wanted to send a chapter before I got to work this morning. So it's. It's. It's a chaotic time. Where I'm at now is I get up early still most nights of the week. I mean, most nights, ooh, that sounded awesome. Because I'm hardcore. Most mornings I get up pretty early, so before 6, and it could be 4:45, it could be 5:45, it could be whatever. Sometimes I sleep until 7, but I try to get up early. And two or three days out of the week, I will go sit in front of red lights and do this breathing app. I use the Nordic Wave breathing app, and I go through the breathing exercises that actually has been transformative in a way that I wouldn't have imagined. I've heard it and read about it on James Nestor's work and all that. It has been really wild.
Kelly
I'm glad you're not doing them anymore while you're driving.
Dr. John DeLoney
I'm not doing them in a vehicle. I'm doing them sitting down. And this year, I. Man, I'm gonna go down a rabbit hole. I got into lymphatic transfer throughout your body, so I went Got a rebounder and all. So I'm work. It's a whole thing. I don't want to get too dorky, but too late. So, yeah, you'll see me jumping on a trampoline. A trampoline. A rebounder, as the ne you call it.
Kelly
One of those little trampolines, right?
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. Yeah. And I do that for a while, and then I'll usually go head out for a walk or a ruck in the morning, and then three or four other days of the week, I'm lifting weights in the morning in my home gym and try to get outside. The second part of that is I'm trying to be more intentional about being present with my family in the morning when I can. And so I want to see my kids. I want to sit down and be goofy and poke at each everybody and share coffee with my wife if I can, that kind of thing. So being present in the morning, which sounds funny to say, the last two or three months, I've just been at zoo, but trying to be present in the morning with them. That time's just getting so finite for me. And so, long story short, some time of exercise, some time of meditation and breath, work and prayer. Sometime of trampolining, which, gosh, what a dork. What a dork. And then sometime with relationships. And so that's. That's the crux of my morning routine.
Kelly
What are. What are some of the crazier things over the last five years that we've been doing these. That have at times been involved in your morning routine?
Dr. John DeLoney
Oh, dude. I mean, five years ago, when I started this show, I mean, I was militant. 4, 5, 9, I think is when I got up. I don't remember exactly when it was, but it was some obnoxious time without. I don't care if I had one hour of sleep. If I had seven minutes of sleep, I was getting up at that time, and I'd. I'm trying to think what I would do. I would get up and I would go meditate, and I'd go sit in a cold plunge. And then after the cold plunge, I would go. I don't know, do kung fu with, like. I. Dude, I was alone, right?
Kelly
I picture you playing the song. Everybody was kung fu fighting.
Dr. John DeLoney
Oh, dude. With you just over there, it was the.
Kelly
You're the best around.
Dr. John DeLoney
It was the Karate Kid one montage. Yeah, yeah, dude, it was so. And then I would go lift weights, because you never skip a day. And then on the way back, I would be doing breathing exercises in the car. I Mean, I was just too much. It was Alex. It was actually Alex Hormozi that somebody asked him and he was the first guy that I went, oh no, you're right. And somebody's like, what's your morning routine, bro? And he's a big jacked finance, fix your business. And that guy. But he's beefcake Jack. And he scoffed at the guy and was like, I don't have a morning routine. And the guy's like, what do you mean? And he said, if I can't go do live the life I want to live without militantly scheduling every second of my morning, then I'm a slave to the morning routine. Then I'm not free. And when he said that, I was like, oh crap, I am. I have created a life to give me freedom and I'm wholly unfree from it. And so that began. Like, dude, what if I just enjoyed getting up in the morning because I'm being productive? I feel better when I do breathing exercises. That's like reset my nervous system in a powerful way. I feel better when I exercise. I feel better when I'm laughing and hanging out and being goofy with my kids and annoying them. I like seeing my wife and having long hugs in the morning. That gives me a better life. And so getting morning sunlight is a must. And so those things have given me a freer, better life, a healthier life overall.
Kelly
Yeah. I will also say though, as someone who never had any kind of morning routine besides get up and we gotta go. Exactly. And then roll in, you know, late, which I still roll in late, but not near as late as you. So that's fine.
Dr. John DeLoney
Hope that felt good.
Kelly
It did. Hey, I have to do what I can. But there's still. I have found a benefit over the last. What am I, almost two and a half to three years? And it was because of you and Cody, John's brand manager, that I developed a morning routine that looks nothing like your old ones. But having structure have some structure in the morning has changed everything for me.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah.
Kelly
So there is a benefit to having some structure.
Dr. John DeLoney
I think structure based on values is important, right?
Kelly
Well, because mine was always. Because I didn't have structure around workout and stuff. I had this whole shame cycle about I didn't work out. Now I suck and I'm a horrible human because I didn't do and then. But having changing the mindset on that and changing how I did it did help.
Dr. John DeLoney
Here's where morning structure is important. I think you start your morning keeping your promises to yourself and there's something profound about I can count on me to do the things I said I was going to do. And I think a lot of us run through life looking out at other people and saying, well, they never. And why didn't this. And you need to make me feel a certain way. And, and you become unanchored because your body doesn't trust you. You don't keep your own promises. And that's where that, that old. I forgot the general. But he gave that speech and he's like, make your bed. Like, nobody can take away that from you. You got out of bed and you made your bed because you start the
Kelly
day with a win.
Dr. John DeLoney
You started the day by keeping one promise to yourself. And those build on themselves. Right? So for me, a morning routine, a structure is I'm, I said I was going to do this thing for me so that I can spend the rest of my day giving myself away. It's Will Guidera's. I'm gonna wake up and get my pitcher and I'm gonna go to the faucet and fill it all the way up so that as a, as a husband, as a dad, as a co worker, I can, I can fill everybody's water glass all day. And at the end of the day, mine should be empty. And then I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning and I'm going to fill that sucker up because I'm worth that. And then once I do that from a good place, a healthy place, then I can be of service to everybody in my life.
Kelly
I like that. Yep. All right, last question. In this segment, I would have said, what is your favorite venison recipe? But I love that the person that said this in that just says, what is your favorite deer recipe?
Dr. John DeLoney
My, my favorite. I, I, my wife. This is my big, this is my biggest Texas shame is that my wife is better on the grill than me. She's better at cooking meat than me, and she's just so good at it that I gave up, I quit. She's just awesome at it. And so my favorite.
Kelly
Are you allowed to go back to the state?
Dr. John DeLoney
No. No. No.
Kelly
Okay.
Dr. John DeLoney
I didn't think I got a letter, a cease and desist letter.
Kelly
Right.
Dr. John DeLoney
You're not allowed.
Kelly
You get to Texarkana, you have to stop.
Dr. John DeLoney
Right? That's exactly right. Yeah. Most people in the United States don't know that, but Texas also has its own checkpoints. You have to, once you cross the Mexico border, you have to go through the, the federal. And then you have to pass Texas. And usually they give You a test of some sort. You have to shoot a bow and arrow.
Kelly
Exactly. It's much harder.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, exactly.
Kelly
Yeah. You have to name, like, who is the Yellow Rose of Texas?
Dr. John DeLoney
That's right. You have to rattle off George, straight answer that one.
Kelly
Who's the Yellow Rose of Texas?
Dr. John DeLoney
What's it. What's her name? It's the woman.
Kelly
Emily Morgan.
Dr. John DeLoney
Who?
Kelly
Emily Morgan.
Dr. John DeLoney
Oh, I would have got that wrong.
Kelly
Yeah. You know why? She's the Yellow Rose of Texas.
Dr. John DeLoney
Santa Anna's.
Kelly
She was. Yeah.
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. Yeah.
Kelly
Lady of the evening. While our troops.
Dr. John DeLoney
Well, we got revenge on the Alamo.
Kelly
They tried to name an elementary school in our area after her. And because, like. And they were like, man, maybe we shouldn't.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, yeah. Whatever it takes. What was I even talking about? Oh, I. I like. My wife cooks venison, backstrap, elk back strap, whatever animal access to your backstrap. And she does it very, very minimally, mostly with just salt and pepper. And that's pretty much the way I like it. It's pretty awesome. We also have a lot of ground. We. I mean, we eat venison probably three or four nights a week. Um, and I use the bearded brother, the bearded butchers. Those guys have a seasoning line that's just out of this world, man. And I pay for it. They don't give it to me for free, so it's not like a sponsorship. I love their stuff. And that's what I put in, like just ground meat and stuff like that.
Kelly
All right, before we go to break, when we come back, I'm going to ask you about emotional cheating versus physical cheating.
Dr. John DeLoney
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Kelly
Yes. Can you believe that we have put up with each other for 900 episodes?
Dr. John DeLoney
No.
Kelly
Yeah, I mean, pretty much. Ben and I both have been in here for the almost all 900. I mean, I've been here for all of them. Been for.
Dr. John DeLoney
We have like 17 associate producers.
Kelly
Yeah.
Dr. John DeLoney
Either that says something about me or me.
Kelly
I'm not sure which one.
Dr. John DeLoney
That's right.
Kelly
Yes. All right, our next question is emotional cheating or physical cheating? Worse.
Dr. John DeLoney
Oh, that's tough. That's one of the one. That's one of those things that is often gendered in the research. The old saying goes, and I haven't read this research recently, but the, the older research was if a wife told her husband I'm having an affair, his first question would be, did you sleep with him? And if a husband told his wife I'm having an affair, her first question would be, do you love her? And so I think it depends on who you are. And whatever. I always will. My default is a physical affairs. Worse. But that can be a very gendered. Because I'm a dude and that might be why I have that same bias. I think both of them are. Can be pretty destructive. And also because I get this question all the time with 100% certainty, people, couples can come back from affairs too. Emotional and physical and otherwise. What do you think, Kelly? Do you identify with that or no?
Kelly
I do because my wife is on
Dr. John DeLoney
my side with that. She's like, I don't care if you like somebody. She does. But like if you sleep with somebody, I'm like, okay, I'll kill you both
Kelly
I and y', all. I know Sheila, man. 100 could do it and it would be efficient.
Dr. John DeLoney
It would be on our list of things to do that just check it
Kelly
off and move along.
Dr. John DeLoney
And then she'd stop by the P.O. box. I mean, the post office.
Kelly
It would be clean. Yeah. And no one would ever find y'. All.
Dr. John DeLoney
No.
Kelly
Yeah, it would be.
Dr. John DeLoney
She would never, she would, she would never tell a soul.
Kelly
I would be reading. I would be listening to a podcast about your unsolved murder. Yeah, 100%. And I would just be like, hats off. Yeah, it'd be brilliant. But I, I agree more with Sheilin. With you. I have more of an issue with, with the physical part. Yeah. Which I know not all my female friends would agree with that. And I'll put myself out there a little bit. I have years ago had a male friend that I realized actually my husband
Dr. John DeLoney
was like too close.
Kelly
Too close. And so I was like, oh, oh, this is the thing that I've heard people talk about. And so I had to put some pretty hard guardrails in. And now I've got male friends. Cause I work in a male dominated field that we just. I don't talk about my spouse. I don't talk about, about these kind of, you know, we don't ever have the conversations of, oh my God, my husband did this or that. No, we just don't go there. And it usually is, you know, football, working out, work, that kind of conversation. And so I have more of a problem with the physical part of it than I do the emotional. But I know that that's not the norm for universal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think most females have a problem with the lovey dovey. The more emotional open. But also, I am not that you don't have emotions. I don't have any. I don't care about your feelings. I don't want to talk about your feelings. I mean, that's just not me in any way.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah.
Kelly
So if. Great. If you find someone that wants to talk about your feelings with you, have at it. I mean, I don't have to worry about it then.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. Yeah.
Kelly
Because my husband has a whole lot more emotions and feelings than I do.
Dr. John DeLoney
As do most humans.
Kelly
Except maybe your wife.
Dr. John DeLoney
Most people. Fair, fair. Oh, she's got them. They're just very sharp. Yes.
Kelly
All right, next question. This kind of goes back to what we were just talking about. Can couples have friends of the opposite sex?
Dr. John DeLoney
A 100. Yes. I think you have to be boundaried and wise. And the times I've gotten. I'll say I got myself in trouble, but the times I have found myself over emotionally invested in someone in a woman who wasn't my wife is that friendship became one of the most important friendships I had. And then suddenly I'm calling that person or texting that person or I think of something and I can't Wait to tell that person and that's on me. Right. Like if I, if I leave this little executive club membership too, that's my marriage. And I start leaning on people of the opposite sex for I, I, I think that can get heavy. Now I've got, when I say great, I mean super close friends that are women but they're all bound and structured and I've always believed in like it, it's when you, I, I think I don't, I shouldn't tell my wife that I had that convers. Like that's when I think for me the signals over the last 25 years I've been with my wife, like that's when I know that's, that's not right. And so I'm always open with my wife about who I'm talking to and why and about what and whatever. And she's got the passcodes to so all that, it's like living in unstructured way. But I, I, I say this probably too boldly, but I'm pretty sure you know, you know, you know, I'm holding this information for this friend that's not my, my husband or not my wife or I'm talking about things that would, if my husband were sitting right here at this table, I wouldn't be talking to this guy about that stuff. Right. And so I think that's a good litmus test for you. But yeah, I think you absolutely can have friends, you can have close friends. What do you think?
Kelly
Oh, I 100% believe so. I've worked in male dominated fields all my life, working in radio before this and music industry. So yes I can. And like I said, having been someone who at one point in time realized I was getting too close, I've also learned though, yeah, you have to be intentional. I think you have to be aware and just intentional. And you have to also be aware like what is the other person's intent and feelings.
Dr. John DeLoney
Well, that's the thing. You don't know.
Kelly
No, but you have to be aware when those signs start coming up that, oh yeah, okay, we're not on the same page here.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, I have a line that you don't have, right? Yes.
Kelly
And, and by the way, for most
Dr. John DeLoney
people when they figure that out, it feels good.
Kelly
Oh 100 everybody wants to be wanted.
Dr. John DeLoney
Oh, you would. Yeah. Yeah, right. It feels good. And man, that is every danger sign flash.
Kelly
Right. And that means you need to turn around and look at your marriage and go, what's, what am I not getting?
Dr. John DeLoney
We need to solve this.
Kelly
Yeah. What do I don't. Or what do I don't feel like I'm getting.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah.
Kelly
Here. And how we need to fix that instead of, oh, but I am getting it here.
Dr. John DeLoney
Right, Exactly.
Kelly
So, yeah. You just have to be intentional and careful and aware.
Dr. John DeLoney
To me, the words validation. Where am I going for validation? That is. Why do I need that validation? Why do I. Why am I making up stories that I'm not getting it here? Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm truly not. But heading back towards my wife, my spouse, my. Your husband, whoever you happen to be. Why am I seeking external validation? What's going on inside this marriage that is making me look elsewhere, not making me. Why am I choosing to look elsewhere is a better way to say that.
Kelly
You mentioned something one time, and then I heard a great quote about drift, and I think that that's where you have to be careful and these kind of scenarios is one degree. One degree, one degree. And then all of a sudden, you're in an emotional affair or holding things from your spouse and telling this person. Because it's just. It's usually not a hard. Right. Like, you don't go into those kind of relationships, going, well, gonna sleep with that guy, or whatever. It's these little bits of tiny little, you know, death by a thousand cuts. And all of a sudden, you look up and you're like, oh, I'm telling this person all this stuff and not my spouse, or vice versa. But, yeah, it's just this slow little drift. Until all of a sudden, the boat's fac. Direction was George Bernard Shaw, who said, to be in hell is to drift and to be in heaven is to steer. But that idea that you're not. You're not paying attention.
Dr. John DeLoney
The word is intentional.
Kelly
Yeah. And so it's just being intentional and not looking up and you're, you know, go in a completely different direction that you didn't intend.
Dr. John DeLoney
It takes a lot of courage to turn and face the challenges at your home or the challenges in your marriage. It takes a lot of courage. It's hard, especially if you have a volatile spouse. And I don't mean violent, but I mean volatile. Like, they're gonna get their feelings hurt and pout for four days, or they're gonna try to attack you back. Like, it's hard, man. It's all. That's hard. But you're exactly right.
Kelly
All right, next question. What belief have you changed your mind about recently?
Dr. John DeLoney
Oh, God, a thousand things.
Kelly
D and D. Video games.
Dr. John DeLoney
No, no.
Kelly
Oh, come on. You've 100 changed your mind about DND.
Dr. John DeLoney
I haven't changed. I, I, I've, here's what I've changed my willingness to participate in a campaign. Look at me.
Kelly
But you changed your mind and you talked about this because you always joked about what a, you know, dork fest it was. No offense.
Dr. John DeLoney
No, no, I've changed. I've changed my mind on. It's a net. Good. Yes.
Kelly
Right in the. Because it's a community.
Dr. John DeLoney
It's a community, yes. So a couple of things I've changed my mind on. Oh, man. I don't want to get in trouble on this. I'm trying to think of ways I can say it and I can try.
Kelly
Oh, please remember I had it.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. Thing number one is I look at our, what's currently happening politically, the mess that is that we're sitting in, and I thought that people were sitting down and digging into issues and digging into the cult of personalities and tribalism. I thought people were digging into why am I in this gang or not? And making that decision. I'm in this side. I'm on this side. I'm not on either side. And here's why. And I don't believe that anymore. I believe that most people are exhausted and cooked and scrolled out of their minds, myself included. I think we are so overwhelmed and we are going to places where we feel safe, not the places where we agree. And I think that that gives me a lot more compassion than thinking, oh, you looked at the math and you thought three plus three is 14. Then, then I can say you're dumb. Your brain doesn't work right. You're an idiot. I can, I can make all kind of statements about you, but if it's like, no, no, no, I'm fried and I'm scared and I don't, I'm exhausted and I just want fill in the blank to stop. I need somebody to give me a story as to why I have a lot more compassion. And that's changed because I spent the last 10 years just angry all the time. Here's a big one. This is the biggest belief I've changed. You ready for this one? I, I'm a guy with two PhDs, two doctorate degrees and a master's degree and a bachelor's degree I have. I thought that you would solve your body's problems, your life's issues, if you got the right information and a big belief I have changed is what's more important is less than understanding, is doing the right thing, like going and acting towards. And so if somebody's Like, I don't understand why I need. I don't care. Just start walking in the mornings. Yeah, but what's the physiology and the. Doesn't matter. For most people, that's a distraction. I want you just to start walking in the morning and getting some morning sunlight and if your spouse will go with you, it's going to change your life. Or I don't feel like being nice in the mornings. I'm tired. I don't care. Do one nice thing for your spouse in the morning when you wake up, make their coffee for them. So I think that act of acting before the act of let's think and understand it all, try to drill down. I, I've changed my belief on that whole, like 180. Start doing the next right thing. And over time, the feelings will follow and then you will find enough energy to dig into the how and the why and all the nerd stuff. If you want to go down those roads, but just start acting in the way you, you want somebody to act towards yourself, go start becoming the person you want others to see you becoming. And so much of this other stuff will follow.
Kelly
I think it's that whole idea of just do something.
Dr. John DeLoney
Do something.
Kelly
Something.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. And sometimes they're doing the something is stop doing anything. Right. Like they say in medicine, like if. If you're doing an intervention and it's hurting the person, you don't know why, stop doing that thing. Right. Stop. And then we'll like reset. But don't just keep doing it more. And. Yeah, so. But taking action.
Kelly
Well, the whole, I mean, the whole. The. What is it? The, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and again and expecting different results. Yeah, do. Just stop. Stop.
Dr. John DeLoney
Do something different or do something different. Yeah, if. If waking up every morning and going to your spouse for the last two years, if that's not bringing you together, which it won't, just try it for 60 days. Wake up and look over and whisper to yourself two things. You're really grateful about that person. And then go do one nice thing for them. Just do that for you so that you become the person you want to be in your marriage. It may not change them at all. I almost guarantee it will. But just go do that thing and you'll find, oh, I begin to see a whole bunch of nice stuff about them when all I could see was how bad they were. I like who I'm becoming, which makes me more attractive to be around emotionally and spiritually. Like, go be that change that you want to be.
Kelly
How very man in the mirror of you.
Dr. John DeLoney
How very Gandhi of me. Go ahead. Yeah.
Kelly
Never in my life have I ever thought of putting you in Gandhi in the same sentence. So that's, That's.
Dr. John DeLoney
Agree to disagree.
Kelly
All right. What is the thing that you splurge on the most that people would think was crazy?
Dr. John DeLoney
Oh.
Kelly
Or what's one thing that you splurge on that people. Most people would just be like, I'm not doing that.
Dr. John DeLoney
I've got so many things. My wife, she's like, you're. We're buying.
Kelly
What.
Dr. John DeLoney
What are we doing?
Kelly
I don't think people know you're. You can be pretty bougie.
Dr. John DeLoney
I, I, I'm real big on. Buy it one time.
Kelly
Yeah. A certain brand. Not, not, not in a brand way. Not, like, because you want the fancy.
Dr. John DeLoney
I want the highest quality.
Kelly
You want the quality. And so you could be pretty bougie about those things.
Dr. John DeLoney
Insanely bougie about it. Yeah. People don't know. I've got three pet snakes right now, and those are expensive to upkeep, and people didn't know that about me. And I've, My dad and I used. There's a whole other backstory to that, but I've collected snakes my whole life. And people. That surprises people, the amount of money I spend on it and keeping them up and taking care of them and all that.
Kelly
Oh. I remember when I found out, and it was a couple years ago, whenever Andrew over here had to go, he
Dr. John DeLoney
was buying the special kind of mouse for me at a, At a store like, an hour ago.
Kelly
The mice were adorable. And, like, what are these for? And I mean, when I found out I was. That you collected. You had snakes, I, I was floored.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah.
Kelly
Yeah.
Dr. John DeLoney
And then I, I spend money on. I have been getting lymphatic massages, which are very unique and very weird. Yeah. They just doesn't sound good to say, but they're.
Kelly
No, they're actually. I've heard they're very helpful, but it just sounds really disgusting.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, but it's. They're actually, like, unbelievable. Like, it's strange. It's. It's a very strange experience, but it's pretty amazing. And those are, those are pretty expensive. Trying to think what else. I spend a lot of money on hunting trips and just hunting and traveling. I like that.
Kelly
What is something that Sheila like that she really values as far as that she'll spend money on? Because that's, I mean, I know you, but Sheila always seems so, like, down to earth and grounded that she. But there's got to, what's her thing?
Dr. John DeLoney
She spends money on travel. She spends, she spends money on what I would say relational investments. And so all of her, her college roommates, they still go on a trip every year or two trips, like one or two trips a year. She is, she'll, she goes and visits family a lot. She goes to weddings of friends, kids. Like, she's very invested in people and so that's a high priority item for her. And so she'll travel and when we didn't have any money, she would drive and be gone for two weeks. But she's like, this is a wedding. I'm like, why? And she's like, because that's our friend's kids. And the way she, I'd be like, yeah, yeah, right. So you know what I mean? So that, that she's very relationally invested and she spends money on her. I, I'll, I'll call it her art, but it's more her creative acts. She spends money like in her gardening and her writing and things like that. So.
Kelly
All right, when we come back, we're going to talk about your adhd.
Dr. John DeLoney
Don't have it.
Kelly
Mm.
Dr. John DeLoney
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Kelly
All right, so this person wrote in and wants to know, I was recently diagnosed with adhd. What are some of the processes that you've put in place to make it manageable for you and your family?
Dr. John DeLoney
Who? Man, I think that's sounds like an accusation. I don't think that's fair or true. Even though it's very fair and very true.
Kelly
Would you like for me to call Sheila and ask her this question instead?
Dr. John DeLoney
All right, so here's some things that I've put into place over time. Number one, I quit going to war with myself. And what I mean by that is I stopped trying to fight chemistry, biochemistry. I stopped trying to fight my natural inclination towards things. I give myself a lot of grace. So what does that look like? I used to, when I, like in grad school, when I was working on a paper, I would sit in a coffee shop from 8:00am until 8:00pm and I knew at 8:05, I'm not getting this paper done today. I. I just knew I was cooked. My. My head was all over the place, and so I knew. But I would sit there and try to grind it out, and I would end up with 14 paragraphs, half of which were garbage, and then I would leave. Freaking loser bum. You piece of crap. You like, whatever. I don't do that anymore. So what does that mean? That means I give my sp self space. So this, like, this book time, like, I've. It's due Friday of this week, but I've already turned in the whole manuscript and now I'm going back. Like, so I built in time for myself now, knowing you're going to have days where you sit down, you're like, it's not happening today. And then when I know those days are coming, I go make the best of them. Like, okay, cool. I'm gonna go all in on my kids. I'm gonna go all. Me and my wife are, we're gonna do something awesome. My son and I are gonna go play video games. My daughter and I are gonna do something. And so, but that is give myself a lot of grace. We don't put. When I say video games, we go to the arcade. We're not sitting there going, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Yeah, I'll get there.
Kelly
I thought Dr. K changed your mind.
Dr. John DeLoney
He did. I got a video game for Christmas. I got a Switch game for Christmas.
Kelly
Oh, nice.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yes, we haven't played it yet, but
Kelly
once a book is playing the Hogwarts game, it's actually amazing.
Dr. John DeLoney
Another thing about ADHD is it's not something I implemented, something my wife implemented. Similarly, she stopped thinking I wasn't a good person. She stopped thinking that I had some sort of character and moral flaw when the light bulb went off, like, oh, he didn't see that pile. Or it's not that he was just sitting in there going, I'm going to make us all late. Because, like, he literally thought, you know what is a good time right now? To also shine my shoes and also, you know what I need to research tires I need on my wife's car. We should do that now while I have one sock on, a T shirt on, my jeans are on, but my belt is somewhere. And we're all late to church already. Like, that's not a good time. But she, she stopped the, the, the anger part of it. And then it just became pragmatic. And so if we get to a certain time, she'll just get in the car and take the kids and she'll head somewhere and I can walk outside and the car's left me. She'll, I mean, she'll say, I'm leaving, but I don't get my feelings hurt anymore. And so it's, we've just taken the, the humanity pressure off of it and then it just becomes tactics. A few other things is I try really hard to keep myself well. Sleep has been magic exercises. Magic. Having friendships and things. And here's another thing. It's an unspoken under. It's, it's. People don't think this about people with adhd. They can laser in obsessively on something that they really, really care about and the whole world goes away. And so it's not a matter of you can't focus at all. It's. Generally speaking, you don't focus on things you don't give a crap about or that aren't that important to you. And so a, a, I don't call it a hack, but a thing that's become important for me is always having a thing that I'm super, super, super interested in, even if I'm busy. And it, for me, it brings all of my attention and focus up. And so I always have a thing I'm thinking about or working on or want to be involved in, even in the middle of a big project. And I'm on the road a lot when I'm in a busy season, I have another thing, right? And it allows Me to. I like when I'm writing right now, I have a notebook right next to my. Where I'm writing manuscript, and it's got jokes in it, and it's got ideas for a science experiment. I mean, a science paper I want to do with one of my colleagues over at Belmont. Like, I. I keep a list over here going, so that little. That little guy going, ha. I don't just try to shut him down, because the energy it takes to shut him down affects my other work that I need to get done. And by the way, I'll say this one last thing. I don't know if there's any physiological connection whatsoever. There probably is not. I've never heard this in the literature. I didn't do this for some big statement. I just pretty much quit drinking. Like, even. Like, I've never had a problem with alcohol, but I would have a drink pretty regularly. Right. I just have kind of stopped. And it wasn't like some big, I'm gonna quit drinking. I just didn't feel good the next day. And it would always affect my REM sleep, but when I look back on the last couple years, man, it has dramatically reduced. And it might be the. The better sleep, but it has dramatically reduced my. My feeling of chaos that I had in my head all the time.
Kelly
It was amazing. How so? I quit drinking, too. Again, not as a big statement or because I had a problem with alcohol. It was just. Women who are of my age. Nothing will learn.
Dr. John DeLoney
When you're in menopause, your new nickname is Perry.
Kelly
Seriously? Yeah. It's better than some of the other nicknames you've given me. But the idea that. Because your body just metabolizes it differently and. Yeah, it was. I mean, even the very little amount I drank, which was like maybe one or two a month, it's just crazy how I felt better.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah.
Kelly
Yeah. And then you realize, oh, because it's poison. It really is. And you just. So how much better I felt not even having a glass of wine a week in my system just changed, kind of. It was a big difference for something like that. All right. This is a pretty big one. In your career, you've seen some terrible things. Thinking about, like when you were working at the schools and the accident scenes and those kind of things. Not horrible things here. Hasn't been that horrible. How do you maintain faith in humanity?
Dr. John DeLoney
This is a strange response to that, but the people who respond in those situations. And so I don't. I have a strange sense of peace that the world has bad actors in It. And I think that I. I just know that. I know people aren't. Well, like, on the extreme end of psychological distress. I know, like, true people with narcissistic personality disorder, there are true violent people in the world. I know that. My real question is, where are the people that are going to show up and be with hurting people, Put people and systems in place to stop those folks? And that takes a lot of courage. It takes stepping out of line when people get out of control. Where are the people that are going to rally up? And I never went into those scenes alone. There was always people with me, and there was always a team of people there. At any given scene, there might be a child who'd passed away, who was dead in one room, and a mom and a daughter who are screaming, and a husband who's out in the front yard on his hands and knees trying not to throw up. But there would be police officers and EMS folks and a social worker and me and my partner and the medical examiner. I mean, there's so many people there for one reason, to help this family. And so my faith in humanity comes from every. Like the NAT in Nashville, the power was out for five days. I'm on a text thread of people on my street. The number of texts that were going around like, hey, we're not at our house, but we've got power. You come. Here's the. Here's the front door code to a group of strangers. Anybody need anything? I'm going to the stores. Like, people show up. And as a person of faith, I'll never forget it was Bibo Norman who once said, when he. I think he was in Haiti, I think that's where it was when he saw there was just a big massacre. And he asked the pastor there, how do you still believe? And he said, oh, I. I stopped asking God, where are you? A long time ago. I'll never. I'll never get that answer. I have to start asking where God's people and they show up and that to me or they or they don't, Right? But that's the question. Where are the people? And in. In my world, people show up.
Kelly
That goes back to that Amazing Fred Rogers, Mr. Rogers quote. Look for the helpers.
Dr. John DeLoney
That's it.
Kelly
The whole idea in that, for those that have never heard it, is if you have children and you're coming upon in these huge, big situations, 9, 11, those kind of things, where it's, how do we talk to our children about these, Teach them to look for the helpers.
Dr. John DeLoney
And I. I would Say right now, we have a society of people standing around looking. And so I would amend that quote right now to go be the helper, like, for the adults. Go out and be the helper. And, like. So, for instance, this isn't to toot my own horn. I'm trained for this. I was at my daughter's soccer game, and, like, probably a thousand yards away, there was a big. We all heard it. And everybody's got quiet on the soccer game, and everybody stopped, and then the games resumed. Well, I looked at my wife. She's like. Like, all right, I know. Like, she knows. I'm gonna go over there. I jogged over there, and everybody got out of the. There was a pretty big wreck, but everybody's okay. Two. Two teenage girls got out of one car, and one teenage boy got out of the other. The two teenage girls are sobbing, and it's like, are you okay? Yeah, we're okay. Well, it was the teenage boy that actually was his fault, and he was curled up against the fence and just with his hand in his head. And I wouldn't stop by that kid for a while, and it was like, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go sit with this kid. He. He just got in a wreck. He just. Clearly just got his license. He's scared to death. He doesn't know what to do. And then after a little while, I said, hey, because his parents weren't there yet. And I said, stand up. We're gonna go over there and make sure they're okay. And he looked at me and said, I'll go with you, but we're gonna go over there and make sure those girls are okay. And, like, I'm gonna model it with you, and I'm gonna walk with you, and he's gonna see me with them. Their mom and dad showed up. They were right behind him, watch their kids get in this wreck. It was a whole thing. But I'm gonna go be the helper for that kid. And we got through it. I hugged him, and he was still freaked out. And then his parents came. But it's like, go be the helper. Don't just look for him, because there was nobody coming, right? Like, go be it. Go get in the middle of it. And I think we need people to put their stupid phones down and go look around their neighborhoods and see, like, where can I go be a helper right now?
Kelly
What's the last song you want to hear before you die?
Dr. John DeLoney
Who let the door. I'm just kidding. Yeah, I got so many. Mike Jones. I Want to hear some old swish a house? The last song. Piano man by Billy Joel. No kidding.
Kelly
We all said the last song. If. If all of us are around and something happens to you right here, one of us is definitely going to be pulling up. Little Drummer Boy on our road.
Dr. John DeLoney
I will haunt y'. All. I will. I will. I will claw my way back to the Upside down and I will find y'.
Kelly
All.
Dr. John DeLoney
No, I. Piano man by Billy Joel. That's. That's the song. I have that in my will. I want that to be the last song played at my wedding. I want. I want everybody at my funeral. I want everybody. Same thing. I want everybody. Kidding.
Kelly
Sheila know.
Dr. John DeLoney
Oh, she. She. I gave her the list of the songs. She's like, I'm not doing any of those songs. Her exact words for me, I'm not doing errands for you after you're dead. And I was like, oh, nice. She goes, I'll plan your funeral. I'll keep you in mind. But you'll be gone, and the funeral will be for me and everyone who comes to celebrate your life. I. I like the idea of, like, let's head out into the world and go do some good now. And that's what. That's what I hope my legacy is. But I hope that's my last song. What is yours?
Kelly
You know, I've been thinking about it ever since we.
Dr. John DeLoney
The Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Same theme song, High kick, two, three.
Kelly
No, No. I would probably say in a similar idea, just because I think this is a song that makes everybody, like, dance and get together. Would be like Benny and the jets. Just because. I mean, it's just a time that everyone's gonna start singing. Everyone's gonna have fun. I've probably danced on a bar or two to that song at some point in time in my life.
Dr. John DeLoney
Best weekend.
Kelly
Weekend before last. But fine, it was Easter weekend this past weekend, you know, celebrating our risen Lord and savior, Jesus Christ. Thank you very much.
Dr. John DeLoney
Shout out. Shout out.
Kelly
But the idea of playing something that is gonna bring everyone together to put their arms around each other and sing and have fun and be joyful and not some big. Honestly, for some reason, the initial song that came into my brain was I will remember you. Skid Row.
Dr. John DeLoney
I had that, too.
Kelly
I don't know why it immediately came into my head.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, I don't want people singing, like, a ballad.
Kelly
No, that's. And that was my thought. I was like, no, I want something fun. But that was the first thing that popped into, like, immediately into my brain. So that tells. But we. I both. I know how we both feel about that song and about Skid. You know what else I want?
Dr. John DeLoney
Damn, it feels good to be a gangster. Like, that would be awesome. They'll get a voice track that would be so. Oh, awesome. If it just, like, give it a little tlc.
Kelly
Don't go chasing water.
Dr. John DeLoney
No, not tlc. Don't hate on the ghetto boys like that. But, like, it would be so rad just to have, like, that. Man, that song is sublime. It's perfect.
Kelly
All right, one more.
Dr. John DeLoney
And it's not good to listen with your kids. If you're driving. You're like, I want to hear that song. Don't put that song on your kids.
Kelly
I have a whole playlist that. That now my son. I can now. But one of my favorite things ever was realizing that I could. If I had my. My phone connected to a speaker in the house. I make sure I had my watch on my Apple watch, because I can control it. And I start hearing, like, Jay Z, Hard knock Life. And I'm like, nope, nope. You know, just being able to move past certain songs.
Dr. John DeLoney
I wasn't paying attention the other day, and my son, I heard him, he was. Someone was on. He just goes, geez, dad. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah. I wasn't paying attention. And we were just. I was just sitting there driving, and so, yeah, good call.
Kelly
I understand. All right, so I'm gonna do. So I'm gonna ask this question, and then I want kind of the practical answer and then more existential. Okay. What's your greatest fear? So we're talking like, the big existential fear. And then, like, I know one of your practical fears and probably the one you're gonna say that yours is, but then you're more like everyday type fears.
Dr. John DeLoney
O. What do you know my practical fear?
Kelly
Heights.
Dr. John DeLoney
I hate heights.
Kelly
And I'd love to hear the rooms vers like, what everybody's fears are.
Dr. John DeLoney
I'll paint you a picture of my existential fear. It is me on. It's funny because it's counter to this. It's me like, on a hill, on a mountain, on top of a building, like, or on a second story looking out. And I can see far. And it's the. Like, whatever it is. The water, the fire, the like, oh, this is it. And more importantly, not for me. This is it. And I'm with my kids. And so my big existential fear is my kids are in a situation. My wife is in a situation that I can't shield them from. I can't protect him from. And that keeps me, like. I remember when my son was young and he's like, I'm still hungry. I literally pulled the car over into a gas station to get some food. My wife's like, what are you doing? I was like, those words set off something to me. I'm sure it's childhood related, but it's like those words, like, have they register with me, the thought of my kids being hungry. The thought of my kids being tariff, like, in terror. The thought, like, man. And that's why the global stuff going on right now keeps me up, because I'm just thinking if my kids are walking in those streets and like. And I don't know how everyone doesn't put their own kids there because we won some lottery that we were born here. Like, that stuff. That stuff haunts, haunts, haunts, haunts me. So, yeah, okay, the regular fears is heights it.
Kelly
Or is there do you have, like, a different fear?
Dr. John DeLoney
My son got his past, his driver's test this morning. So he is.
Kelly
That is.
Dr. John DeLoney
He is a licensed driver.
Kelly
That is a fear. As a parent, I get it. That is a huge fear.
Dr. John DeLoney
I told him last night, I said, I need you. Because he's like, this afternoon, he's gonna pick up my daughter from soccer practice. And I said, FYI, your life's about
Kelly
to get really great. You got to go for this part right here.
Dr. John DeLoney
Oh, I know.
Kelly
And then it's going to be amazing.
Dr. John DeLoney
My wife was smiling ear to ear last night. I'm sure panic mode, but I looked at him and said, I need you to understand this. And you can't because you're 16. But I need to say it to you. When you and my daughter, when you're driving around your sister, my heart is not in my chest. It is in the. This car. And the thought of y' all not coming home, I cannot process that. You gotta come home. You gotta make it home, which means you gotta drive safe. And he's like. And he actually, to his credit, he's like, I got it. Yes, sir. Like, he. He understood it, but it's that. That scares me right now. That sense of like, you know, and just see it.
Kelly
I've had a driver now. My son's been driving for four years, and there are still times I get that.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah.
Kelly
So. But it's a whole lot less than it used to be. Used to be. I mean, if he drove to school, which was like 0.3 miles, I was terribly terrified watching Life360, you know, making sure he showed up. But now, I mean, he drives to. He to Florida last year by himself or him and a friend, so. But man, when you get a driver in the house that can start doing things, oh, it's amazing. Especially when you're like, oh, we're out of, you know, milk.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. Yeah. I. In. Yeah. Heights. I. I just have a thing. I just don't like being up in the air too high.
Kelly
But Alex, big existential fear and then like practical, immediate fear.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. I think existentially I have a fear of like, loneliness and also just not being useful. Important to the people that I love. So, yeah, I guess that's the existential one. But more practically, I have two that
Kelly
are kind of tied together.
Dr. John DeLoney
I hate needles with a passion. I'm so terrified of needles. And the feeling that I get, you know, whenever a needle is put in me is the feeling of being pinched. So I hate being pinched. That's a soup.
Kelly
I get.
Dr. John DeLoney
I get really weird about it. Like if I get. Don't even. I see the little pinches over there. That freaks me out. Like, it. It sends me into a place that's like. So whenever I like, give blood, I. Oh, dude. Or whenever I'm getting.
Kelly
I have to. If I'm getting a shot or getting blood taken, I have to watch. Yeah, but it's a control issue. I found out. I have to know what's happening.
Dr. John DeLoney
I just. I don't. I don't even think I have that. I just kind of into it. I haven't given blood since I was.
Kelly
That says more about you, doctor.
Dr. John DeLoney
Since I was like 18, which I shouldn't admit, but I'm terrified of going in. Them telling me you need needles. And I'm like, I don't want them. I don't want them. The longer you don't go, the more and bigger those needles will kill them all at once. Rather. No. I don't know. Yeah. I guess my existential one is like not leaving a legacy or not contributing anything to society that will remember. I don't have kids currently, so you know that that's just a floaty existential fear. Practical one, public speaking, I can't do it, man. Like, I'll. I have anxiety. Like. Like nervous poops. Like, all kind like cold sweat, like, diarrhea rocket stuff. It's crazy, dude. I just. And I can get up on stage and rap 2000 people. Which is weird.
Kelly
Yeah.
Dr. John DeLoney
Because that's scripted, right? Like there's. So you were at my comedy show the other night. Is like, does the thought of going up and doing stand up. Here's the thing. I would love to do stand up. I would love to try it. I think I, like, I would love to do it. The idea of it of, like, the anticipation of, like, oh, you're next, you're next. Like that thinking about it already is like, I'm freaking out. Like, really, I don't know why. I just can't do it. Hey, and can I just say this before you give your skelly. I took your advice. I opened for Fiona Collie last night. I took your advice, and I'm on a whole nother level. Oh, did it. Did it work? Yeah.
Kelly
Okay, well, now you got to tell us what the advice is.
Dr. John DeLoney
Well, I gave him feedback on his, like, his last stand up. Yeah. So I asked Ben for some notes and the set he saw, I did 25, which is a pretty long set, and 25 minutes and.
Kelly
And
Dr. John DeLoney
a lot of my stuff, I say, I guess the jokes, like, I think the show's. I. I'm proud of the stuff, but it's more. Well, here's what happened in my house. And it was some silly stuff that happened. Like, some funny. Yeah, you've been to, like, like some silly stuff. But Ben was the one who called out, like, I know you think about bigger stuff and deeper stuff and, like, kind of avoiding topical issues and avoiding things. You know what I mean? Like, they make me frustrated or mad or whatever. And so last night I went up kind of unhinged, and it was, it was, it was, it was the. Here's what's funny. It was the single most comfortable I've been on a comedy stage. And that was. It was a new. I felt it in. In the middle of set, like, yeah, like, if y' all don't laugh, that's fine, because I'm saying something that I believe is true, not trying to, like, desperately do a silly thing to make y' all laugh. And it made the whole thing way more powerful. So well done, brother. Nice. I love that.
Kelly
All right. My existential big fear is of somehow being alienated from my son. And I think that goes from. Because I'm the one that reads all the emails on this show and the vast. I mean, hundreds a week of emails of people that don't have relationships with their children and now with my daughter, that that would not happen. I have a special needs daughter, and so that wouldn't happen just because of her mental capacity. But we have a fantastic relationship with my son. But I just reading all those emails, I cannot fathom not having a relationship with him because I just. Not only do I love him so dearly, I like him. I've got this great coming into an adulthood person. And. And that would. That just devastates. If I sat down and think about it, it devastates me. Somebody nothing to believe that it'll happen.
Dr. John DeLoney
Well, I saw this recently. One day your kids will be amongst strangers, people you don't know, telling them about the home they grew up in. What story will they tell? And I was like.
Kelly
And we all roll our eyes about our moms and all that. And I'm like, oh, my gosh. There's gonna be a day when he's like, my mom's calling. And he probably already does it, but it's just devastating.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah.
Kelly
Yeah. I always said that after I had a son, I felt like I should go to my mother in law and apologize because the fact that one of these days my son, like, he got. He's in trade school right now for automotive and he got this big certification this morning.
Dr. John DeLoney
Oh, congrats.
Kelly
Thanks. He's very excited. And I was the first text. But one day I won't be.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yep.
Kelly
I can't tell you what that does. It just. It rips me apart. And I don't want to be that mother in law, so I'd be okay with it.
Dr. John DeLoney
But.
Kelly
Yeah, it's awful. My everyday practical fear is probably not practical. Terrified of clowns.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, you are.
Kelly
I don't like clowns one day. So, I mean, I'm okay if, like I go to the zoo. If I went to the circus and there's clowns there, that's fine. But I'm not gonna watch it because if I watch something like that or I don't go to haunted houses anymore, strictly because there's always clowns.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah.
Kelly
And I will have nightmares.
Dr. John DeLoney
Did you have an issue with a clown growing up?
Kelly
I know exactly where it started. Couple. Couple ways. Poltergeist. Because I was probably elementary when Poltergeist came out.
Dr. John DeLoney
The original one. Yes. Yeah. I'm like the original one in Massachusetts. Stop the witch burning.
Kelly
Yes. Enough of that, thank you very much.
Dr. John DeLoney
They're in Salem.
Kelly
In Salem. The. No. And then my mom used to read true crime books as well, which is where I get my fascination with that. But she would read the books and there was always pictures in the middle of the books, you know, Gacy and Gacy. But she was reading a book and I didn't know what the book was. All I knew was I went in and I would look at the pictures in the middle of the book, I wasn't supposed to. And there was of him as a clown and I knew that he was someone that killed people. And I was like, well, there you go.
Dr. John DeLoney
And we're out.
Kelly
And we're out. So I don't like clowns. I have a T shirt at home that I hardly ever wear because it's probably not appropriate, but it says the only good clown is a dead clown. I don't like them.
Dr. John DeLoney
Nice. Yeah, my, my two fears. The real one is losing my kids. I got, I got three little ones.
Kelly
And
Dr. John DeLoney
specifically car crashes. There's some. I was talking to my wife about this the other day. I've seen or been a part of probably about a dozen car crashes. Like when I was.
Kelly
Don't ride with hummus.
Dr. John DeLoney
No, hashtag. None of them were my. Two of them were my fault because I too was 16 once. They were very minor. But that's something that just when my wife is driving the kids around or whatever, I'm watching the iPhone tracker and I have to make myself stop because it's not healthy. I know that. So that's my, my real big fear is there, Gina. I don't have, I don't have anybody tracked. I have nobody on my phone for that reason. I just, I, I, yeah, I just can't. Otherwise I'd be glued to it. What I feel is, my practical fear is the ocean. We shouldn't be in the ocean. Humans aren't meant to be there. God is very clearly telling us, don't go here. There's a very large, dangerous creature. It's always trying to spit us back out.
Kelly
We have a pretty diverse group of fears here and some pretty screwed up people.
Dr. John DeLoney
We have some very screwed up people, that is for sure.
Kelly
Well, that was our last question on this 900th episode.
Dr. John DeLoney
That was anti climatic. Give us another one.
Kelly
Well, we have to go. We have other shows to do.
Dr. John DeLoney
Here we go.
Kelly
But you know what's coming up this year, later this year?
Dr. John DeLoney
Huh?
Kelly
1,000.
Dr. John DeLoney
That's wild.
Kelly
We'll hit that later this year. Isn't that crazy? I mean, that is.
Dr. John DeLoney
We'll get canceled before then.
Kelly
No, we've made it. 900. Come on. Genuinely, a thousand episodes is crazy, but we got to go to one more break. So we'll come back. We'll come back with something else. So stick around.
Dr. John DeLoney
All right. It's summertime. You're going to be running and gunning all the time. You're going to be traveling, you're going to be out having Fun. You're going to be outside working, and when you come inside, here's what I want you to do. I want you to get good, awesome sleep. And how are you going to do that? Helix mattresses. Because Helix mattresses rule. I sleep on a Helix. My wife sleeps on a Helix. Well, duh, because we sleep in the same bed, but my kids sleep on Helix mat. And when people come stay at my house in the guest room. That's right. Helix Mattress. Why they are the best. Helix does not build just one mattress for every person and expect them to be comfortable on it. They build mattresses for you for how you, as an individual person sleep, whether you're a side sleeper, a back sleeper, a hot sleeper. They make mattresses for everybody. I want you to get online and take their sleep quiz. It takes like two minutes. And Helix will match you with the perfect mattress just for you. Sleep. No guesswork. This is one of those small decisions that will change how you show up every single day. It will change how your summer goes, and it will launch you into the fall. Go to helixsleep.com DeLoney and get 27% off site wide during their Memorial Day sale. That's 27% off at helixsleep.com DeLoney. And this is only for my audience with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. All right, we're back.
Kelly
All right, I've got one more question.
Dr. John DeLoney
All right.
Kelly
You love to give nicknames.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yes.
Kelly
And a lot of people don't know this. We don't have to go through everybody's nicknames in the room because some of them we don't need to. But you give a nickname to pretty much everyone that works on the show.
Dr. John DeLoney
To everybody.
Kelly
Everybody.
Dr. John DeLoney
I have a friend named Beth. She came over yesterday for Easter. Never occurred to me. New nickname. Bethamphetamine. That's the greatest one ever. Is that awesome? Right? When I saw her, I was like, bethamphetamine. I was like, where was that? I've been friends with her for eight years. Never even popped into my head.
Kelly
Well, my favorite one is the. The lady that used to be our coordinator. There's our PC on this show, Mia. And you named her Onomana.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. Anamana.
Kelly
Onomana Mia. So that's probably my favorite. I don't care for mine.
Dr. John DeLoney
What's yours?
Kelly
What do you always call me? Grandma Kelly. Oh, that's the three and a half years older than you. I would just like to point that out. 103 and a half years.
Dr. John DeLoney
300 and a half years.
Kelly
We're both Gen Xers. We're both born in the 70s.
Dr. John DeLoney
So many jokes I'm not going to make on that one anyway.
Kelly
What are some nicknames that people have given to you? Not that you've given to yourself because anytime you have to give yourself a nickname it's a total douchey thing to do. What are some nicknames that you have had in your life?
Dr. John DeLoney
I can't repeat any of them. These are names that my friend's parents have called me also because that was just my name. I have a buddy whose mom puts Caleb's mom home. She's in her mid-70s. If I call right this second, she would go, that's what she still calls me. Have I not told you the story?
Kelly
Why?
Dr. John DeLoney
When I was 17 years old, I was in a playing football on Friday nights in Texas on Friday Night Live.
Kelly
I mean that's, that's church.
Dr. John DeLoney
It was church. And the quarterback threw four interceptions. And as a receiver, whenever the ball gets picked off, it's just open season. I was getting killed. Hold guys will take. Just come running. And the fifth ball he under threw by like 15 yards. And I didn't try, I just stopped. I just stopped and the ball got picked off. And right when it happened I was like, oh, it's gonna suck tomorrow. Because the morning after every football game at 6:30 had to be at the school to watch film of the game before. And that next morning we, I mean we got beat. We got blown out. 30 or 40 point loss. Next morning we're watching film and I'm like no, no, no, no, no. And coach who was, I think I've told you, his dad was his son. I, I saw him when he was this big Beasley Cowboys.
Kelly
Oh cool.
Dr. John DeLoney
His dad was my football coach.
Kelly
I didn't know that.
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. And so when I say he unloaded, he ruined it. And, and you could see me just stop. And this defender just waits for the like a punt and catches it and runs it and he plays it, rewinds it, plays it, rewinds it, plays it, rewinds it. And we're all just waiting, waiting because I mean it looks so bad. And he just goes damn it, Deloney out there playing like a though Deloney. And I knew at 17 I was like, oh, that's my name forever. And it was. I was. I still am. Still am. It got modified to dills in college so that people could say it all the time like in church and stuff. But that's still my name.
Kelly
And it might just continue to be.
Dr. John DeLoney
I. You know what? It's time it just is. That's how a chunk of people in my life know me. Any other questions?
Kelly
No. No. I think that I'm so happy right now that we'll just end there.
Dr. John DeLoney
I prefer of all of those. I just think that's funny. My friend Ryan called me that once and that stuck for a long time.
Kelly
Nope. Deals it is.
Date: May 13, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony
Producer & Co-Host: Kelly
Network: Ramsey Network
Celebrating its 900th episode, The Dr. John Delony Show marks the milestone with another “Ask Me Anything” installment. Dr. John, joined as always by his producer and co-host Kelly, takes on a range of listener questions—spanning relationships, personal growth, daily habits, fears, and the lighter side of life. The vibe is candid, irreverent, and insightful, marked by the camaraderie and quick wit between Dr. John and Kelly, and punctuated with laughter, honesty, and a spirit of curiosity.
Timestamp: [02:18–08:58]
Timestamp: [08:58–12:17]
Timestamp: [12:23–19:40]
Timestamp: [20:20–22:33]
Timestamp: [24:34–27:55]
Timestamp: [28:08–32:27]
Timestamp: [33:04–36:52]
Timestamp: [38:52–41:21]
Timestamp: [43:20–48:48]
Timestamp: [49:52–54:15]
Timestamp: [54:15–57:26]
Timestamp: [58:08–70:13]
Dr. John:
Kelly:
Alex (team member):
Ben (team member):
Shared parent anxieties around children’s safety, and the importance of intentional relationships.
Timestamp: [72:18–76:24]
Summary:
Episode 900 is a quintessential Dr. John Delony Show—raw, wise, hilarious, and packed with practical insight. Dr. John and Kelly mark the major milestone with reflection, realness, and reminders that life is best lived with intentionality, curiosity, and a willingness to laugh at yourself (and your co-hosts). If you want clarity on relationships, inspiration for daily habits, or simply the honest company of people figuring it out as they go, this episode delivers.