Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show – Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before

Introduction In this bonus episode of The Dr. John Delony Show, Dr. John DeLoney joins forces with his friend Ken Coleman from the Ramsey Network for a deep and candid conversation. Originally aired on March 11, 2025, this episode diverges from Dr. DeLoney’s usual format, offering listeners unprecedented insights into personal and professional challenges related to relationships, mental health, and the evolving workplace landscape.

1. Workplace Affairs and Modern Marriage Dr. DeLoney and Ken Coleman delve into the concerning trend of workplace affairs and their detrimental impact on marriages and careers.

• Statistics and Implications: Dr. DeLoney cites alarming data, stating, “85% of affairs start at the workplace” ([03:02]). He emphasizes the high risks associated with these affairs, not just to personal relationships but also to professional standing.

• Underlying Causes: They discuss how modern marriages have become increasingly complex, often requiring spouses to act as co-earnings, co-parenting, and co-managing the household. Dr. DeLoney remarks, “No human being can bear the weight that that untrained, unskilled, modern marriage is putting on a single person” ([03:34]).

• Shared Purpose and Workplace Dynamics: The conversation highlights how the lack of shared purpose at home drives individuals to seek meaningful connections at work, inadvertently fostering environments where affairs can thrive. Dr. DeLoney notes, “We’ve outsourced our worth… it’s like saying, hey, you got five seconds? Can you help me think through this?” ([25:56]).

2. Loneliness and Mental Health Addressing the Surgeon General’s report on loneliness, Dr. DeLoney and Ken explore the severe health risks associated with social isolation.

• Health Risks: They discuss how loneliness increases the risk of premature death by nearly 30% and is comparable to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day ([18:11]).

• Impact of Transitions: A significant focus is on how life transitions, such as moving or changing schools, disrupt meaningful social connections. Dr. DeLoney reflects, “We have created the loneliest generation in human history” ([19:04]).

• Strategies for Connection: Practical advice is offered on building new relationships, emphasizing the importance of being proactive and “weird” to forge genuine connections. Dr. DeLoney shares his personal strategy: “I have to have a couple of guys that I meet with all the time for breakfast, for going for walks, for lifting, for something” ([21:46]).

3. Leadership in the Workplace The duo examines the critical role of leadership in fostering a healthy work environment and its ripple effects on employees' lives.

• Respect and Dignity: Dr. DeLoney delivers a stern message to unhealthy leaders: “If you can’t treat your people with dignity and respect and you can’t tell them the truth, please, God’s sakes, quit” ([11:02]).

• Impact Beyond the Workplace: He highlights how poor leadership affects not only employees but also their families and communities, urging leaders to prioritize the well-being of their teams over personal ego.

• Essential Leadership Tools: Dr. DeLoney emphasizes two key tools for effective leadership:

  1. Listening: “Learn the skill of listening, man” ([74:50]).
  2. Delegation: “Learn the skill of letting people do their jobs that you hired them to do” ([74:50]).

Ken adds that self-awareness and an understanding of team dynamics are equally vital, referencing Gallup’s findings on the importance of purpose, recognition, and strong leader-employee relationships.

4. Personal Struggles and Relationships Dr. DeLoney opens up about his personal life, sharing profound experiences that have shaped his perspectives on relationships and mental health.

• Family Dynamics: He recounts a traumatic childhood memory where his father, a former homicide detective turned pastor, responded to his misbehavior with extreme measures ([39:03]). This experience fueled his commitment to ensuring his own children never feel unloved or unsupported.

• Therapeutic Journey: Dr. DeLoney discusses his path through therapy, highlighting the importance of healing past wounds to build stronger family connections. “[...] I've had to do a lot of heart therapy. I've had to admit to some stuff that I want to talk about” ([35:49]).

• Marriage and Parenthood: The conversation underscores the significance of mutual support in marriage. Dr. DeLoney shares a pivotal moment when his wife expressed concern over his obsession with work, prompting him to seek therapy and recommit to his family ([50:43]).

5. Impact of Artificial Intelligence A substantial portion of the discussion is dedicated to the existential threats posed by AI and its implications for human roles and relationships.

• AI’s Rapid Advancement: Dr. DeLoney expresses deep concern over the fast-paced integration of AI into various facets of life, likening it to historical technological upheavals that society wasn’t prepared for ([79:10]).

• Human Connection Versus Automation: He argues that AI cannot replicate the human capacity for empathy and meaningful interaction, stating, “AI ends up, instead of being this great thief of our humanness, becomes the thing that an amplifier amplifies it” ([83:43]).

• Future Workforce and Societal Impact: There is a discussion on how AI might reduce the need for human roles that involve critical thinking and emotional intelligence, potentially leading to increased loneliness and decreased human interaction ([84:49]).

6. Building Meaningful Relationships The episode emphasizes the foundational role of genuine relationships in personal and professional well-being.

• Adding Value and Being Genuine: Dr. DeLoney advises focusing on how one can add value to others’ lives rather than seeking personal gain, saying, “How can you add value to somebody’s life?” ([28:16]).

• Vulnerability and Honesty: Both hosts highlight the importance of being honest and vulnerable in relationships to foster deeper connections. Dr. DeLoney states, “You gotta go be weird” ([30:55]).

• Marriage as a Partnership: They discuss the idea of marriage being a collaborative effort, where both partners work together towards shared goals and support each other through challenges. Dr. DeLoney reflects, “If you and I do that together for the rest of our lives, we’re going to create something extraordinary” ([67:25]).

7. Conclusion The episode culminates with reflections on the interplay between personal growth, healthy relationships, and navigating modern challenges. Dr. DeLoney and Ken Coleman reinforce the importance of prioritizing human connections over material achievements and embracing vulnerability to build resilient and fulfilling lives.

Notable Quotes

• Dr. John DeLoney ([03:02]): “85% of affairs start at workplace baby.”
• Dr. John DeLoney ([21:46]): “You have to go first and you have to be weird and you have to treat it as serious as a pending stroke that it is.”
• Dr. John DeLoney ([74:50]): “Learn the skill of listening, man. And then the second thing is learn the skill of letting people do their jobs that you hired them to do.”
• Ken Coleman ([27:53]): “Don’t waste time on arbitrary labels. Just focus on the values you share with the people in your life.”
• Dr. John DeLoney ([79:10]): “We've created a world our bodies weren't designed to live in. And this is the exclamation point at the end of that sentence.”

Key Takeaways

• Workplace dynamics significantly impact personal relationships and mental health.
• Loneliness is a critical public health issue, exacerbated by modern societal changes and technological distractions.
• Effective leadership requires genuine listening and empowerment of employees.
• Building and maintaining meaningful relationships necessitates vulnerability, honesty, and continuous effort.
• The rapid advancement of AI poses existential threats to human roles that rely on empathy and emotional intelligence.
• Personal growth and healthy family dynamics are foundational to navigating broader societal challenges.

This episode serves as a profound exploration of the intricate balance between personal well-being, professional responsibilities, and the enduring importance of human connections in an increasingly automated world.

Transcript

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Foreign. What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. Listen, hope you're doing well wherever this happens to find you. And today we're gonna do something a little different. I do interviews on other podcasts all of the time, like all podcasts from all over the planet. Some of them you've heard, some of them you have not heard. But recently, I was a guest on a podcast that was so great, I asked if I could just drop the entire episode as a bonus episode in my podcast feed. My friend Ken Coleman just came out with a brand new show called Front Row Seat. And I don't say this lightly. I think he's the best interviewer in the world. He's been doing this for like 20 years, and he interviews people from all over the world. Presidents, rock stars, athletes. He's just the best of the best of the best. And I got to be one of the first guests on his brand new show. He asked me questions I have never been asked before. And he's. I don't mean this in the proctology kind of way, but he's a prober. He's good at asking the question behind the question, behind the question. We talked about everything from why people aren't having kids to workplace affairs to why I'm really freaking out about. About AI, why my wife isn't. And we, we. We talked about so much. As you can imagine, things got off the rails in a good way. There's audience participation. Just kind of a rad show. I've never really been a part of anything like it. And I ended up talking about things I've never talked about on any other podcast. I don't even think on this show. So anyway, I didn't want y'all to miss it, so I asked, hey, can I just drop this in there? And he and his team said, rock on, dude. So do me a favor, give it a listen and go check out Front Row Seat. It's a brand new show on YouTube. Wherever you get pod, I'm. I'm hyped for you to hear it. Thank you all so much. I love y'all. Enjoy this bonus episode of Front Row Seat with me and my friend Ken Coleman. Rock on. I left the back door open. We pulled into the driveway, My dad looks at me and he said, I knew it. He pulls a gun out.

[Ken Coleman]

85 of affairs started workplace, baby. When does risking not just your marriage, but your job.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, I got some hot takes on this.

[Narrator]

The hardest battles are fought in your own mind. Mental Health expert and bestseller telling author.

[Ken Coleman]

Dr. John DeLoney doesn't sugarcoat the truth. His published works and top performing podcasts help people break free from past trauma.

[Narrator]

And live whole resilient lives that aren't.

[Ken Coleman]

About avoiding hardship, but facing it head on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My wife came downstairs in the basement and she said, I'm watching my husband die and I'm watching him cheer the whole way. The stuff that makes us human, all that goes away. The times in history when that's happened, it ends very poorly. We've created a world our bodies weren't designed to live in. And this is the exclamation point at the end of that sentence. My biggest aha moment of studying marriage over the last year has been.

[Ken Coleman]

Somebody said this in a meeting and I was stunned. This is the data. 85% of affairs start at workplace baby. 1 in 5 employees confess to being unfaithful with a colleague. When does risking not just your marriage and your relationship with your kids, but your job. Yeah, we're talking about this. Feels like a massive risk. What's going on there?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So we've created the loneliest generation in human history and we've taken that to our homes and we've asked our spouses to be everything they have to be co earners, co parents, co house runners. You have to be hot until you're 95 and still sleeping together. You have to like the same things, go to the same things, eat the same things. No human being can bear the weight that that untrained, unskilled, modern marriage is putting on a single person. And so what you have is two people who are good at co managing the house. I'll get little league practice, you get this, I'll make sure we call the plumber. I'll get the trash out. And you have absolutely no shared purpose or building anything together. And life becomes so quick and so fast. And then I go to work and me and you and two amazing women are working together on a project that's going to help 10 million people. Now we have shared purpose. We're talking about how we feel about things. We have a goal, we have metrics, we're. I'm spending more time with her or him than I am with my spouse.

[Ken Coleman]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the time we're spending together is rich. We're laughing, telling jokes. Oh my gosh, of course it happens.

[Ken Coleman]

At work, right, because you're getting, because you're not getting it somewhere. And so now all of a sudden you start to project that and you might actually get it from Another unhealthy worker. That's what I'm hearing. Because my point is, is we don't. We know that that's a risk. And yet we still go, oh, he's just so good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Doesn't matter. Oxygen, right? It's oxygen.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How many of us go home and they. We pull into our street.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you just. Right, right, right. And so it's worth everything positive at work. It's worth everything.

[Ken Coleman]

And even.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But even when it's negative, y'all are negative together.

[Ken Coleman]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's y'all two versus the boss. It's y'all two vs. The customers. Y'all two vs. Salesman. Right.

[Ken Coleman]

And by the way, everybody's got their makeup on and they only get pretty good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Ken Coleman]

We're smiling, we're joking, we're flirting, whatever.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They don't see your snot rags by the bed. They don't see you not flush the toilet. They don't see any of the stuff that makes you you. Right.

[Ken Coleman]

It feels like when I saw this data. John. I guess that's what I'm asking it. I don't want to be judgmental. I'm not judging. But I'm wondering because what I want to get to is how do we guard against this? You know, I was raised in a world where it's like you never ride in a car with a woman that's not your spouse. I was raised in a world like you. You don't have a meeting in a room with a closed door. You know, like all those things. And thankfully Dave and I are exactly the same on that. But that was drilled into me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Gotcha.

[Ken Coleman]

That seems insane to a lot of people. And I will tell you there will people watch this and it will immediately create conversation, which I'm fine with. But then when we get back to the data, we have got to guard ourselves to the point that if I find a female coworker attractive, I have got to put a boundary up, in my opinion.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Ken Coleman]

Agree or disagree.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think for me it's. It's. I get those. Boundaries are great and they're good. I think everybody has to check themselves wherever they happen to be. And I think we've hit the pendulum really far in unsafe ways. Right. Or not. I don't say unsafe, but it's not smart. It's not smart. If you're attracted to somebody, don't go to lunch with them. Right. Those are some low hanging fruit things. For me. I think that's symptomatic of if me and my wife Are building something together. And my chief purpose is here. Then work becomes a thing I do. And you become an amazing, beautiful woman. And you become an amazing attractive. Like, if this guy right here walks into any room I'm in, I'm going to feel safer. He's handsome, he's humongous. He's got muscles. Great job.

[Ken Coleman]

Great job.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'll just feel safer. Right. And so I think to not believe that's real is me not telling myself the truth. It is. Right. The other side of it is it doesn't impact me in any way because what I'm building is here. So I think you can build these things, and I think they're wise and important, and everybody's got their different boundaries. This is where I wish more people focused.

[Ken Coleman]

Right. Well, you gotta have a healthy. That's right. However, I just want to point out that there's no question there's some unhealthiness going on. And so now it's medication. But I also think we could all do. Do ourselves a favor. I'm speaking on behalf of guys.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. Yeah.

[Ken Coleman]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Ken Coleman]

This will be shocking to everybody what I reveal right now, but I have no idea what it's like to be a woman, so. But I do know what it's like to be a guy. And as a guy, I don't care how healthy my relationship is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Ken Coleman]

Guys are guys.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Ken Coleman]

We're simple creatures. And a woman can be completely innocent in anything she says or does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Ken Coleman]

But as a dude, if she's attractive to you, you can misunderstand it and act like adult.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. I think nowadays that's flipped too. Right.

[Ken Coleman]

I agree. Again, I'm only speaking.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. You.

[Ken Coleman]

I'm only speaking as a dude here on that. So I think it's really important. But I think that this is scary stuff.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Ken Coleman]

And people are blowing up their life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think you recognizing that or calling that out is. I think it's the most important thing. And working back, like, it blows up everything.

[Ken Coleman]

Everything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And divorces become so common. I can't tell you how many calls I take on weekends and at night time. Somehow somebody. Somebody got my cell number and they call and we talk like I'm three months into divorce proceedings. I had no idea it would hurt this bad. I didn't know idea that my kids won't look at me. I didn't know idea that I have to make this choice now. And I could see my daughter three days a week. And so it happens so much that we think it's just routine.

[Ken Coleman]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I Think. Understanding how tragic how devastating divorce is. And. And you're gonna get a bunch of comments on this that are like, it was the best thing that happened in my house. It wasn't.

[Ken Coleman]

No. I agree with you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When people ask, like, should we stay together for the kids? Even though, like, no. Fix your marriage.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Fix your. Like, go back and have that conversation. I just don't. You can't, like, fix that.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. As though it's some foregone conclusion.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then the other side of it is you'll blow up your career.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You will be the. The man or woman who. I can't trust you if I can't trust you with that. If he can't trust you, how can I trust you? Right. And I think we don't think through those things.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so recognizing how devastating it is, then maybe the right boundary for you is, dude, I don't even go in the same room.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, because that's what happens. The whole thing blows up.

[Ken Coleman]

All right, let's talk about another massive issue in the workplace, and that is the stress levels in the American workplace. You and I have talked a lot about this. There is this weird dynamic between a stressed out leader and then how they dump that stress on the people they work with. This is not to dump on leaders because you and I both work with leaders. We speak to leaders. We love leaders. But I want you to comment on this as a guy who's smack dab in the middle of mental health stuff all the time. For the person who is leading right now, let's start with leaders for a second. I want to get your quick perspective. The person who's leading, and maybe they're not very healthy. What do they need to hear from you right now on the impact they're having on people?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I got some hot takes on this. Is that okay?

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah. I'd like quick and hot. Let's go. Let's dig into this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When it comes to the leader.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you can't treat your people with dignity and respect and you can't tell them the truth, please, God's sakes, quit. Because you're ruining their kids lives. You're ruining their. Their teachers of their kids lives because teachers have to deal with that kid. You're ruining the police officers lives who have to put on a bulletproof vest and pray to God they don't get shot when they show up at that house at night because nobody slept.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Quit your job.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Stop.

[Ken Coleman]

Because you're a massive domino.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You are. You are crushing communities with how you treat people, period. And so I think. So there's. There's that on that side. Quit your job. Stop. If you. If you ever think I have to yell at an employee, quit. Get out of the system because you're hurting people. Stop. Right? That's not. Don't have high expectations. Don't have high demands. Don't. Don't, like, require hard work. Right? That's. Of course you do all that stuff, right? But make sure you create an environment so the seeds can grow. If you plant a bunch of seeds and you stomp them out every day and then you blame them for not growing, that's just. It's. It's insane. Stop. Here's the other side, and this is the other hot take. I think that information is more telling about the state of the US Worker than it is about leader. And here's why. We have pulled the strings and we've done this in the last 50 years and so in. On a timeline. It's a. It's a blink of an eye, right? It's this fast. We pulled the thread on faith. Nobody goes to church. We pulled the thread on, like, we all mostly believed. We went to the doctor. They were trying to help us. We don't believe that anymore. We mostly believed politicians lie and they're crazy, but that they want what's best for. We don't believe that anymore. We thought when I sent my kid to school that they would come home and not get killed at school and that the teachers weren't teaching them banana. I don't believe that anymore. And so overnight, we've pulled the thread on everything that holds the tapestry, that holds societies together. And the only place we get together with a shared common mission anymore is a workplace. And now the workplace has to tell us how to treat people who don't look like us with dignity and respect. That's insane. That should be taught to you by your parents and your grandparents and your church. We don't do that. The workplace has to have meetings about how to be sexually appropriate because our parents and our families and our churches didn't have those conversations. Like, the workplace holds everything. But most important, the workplace holds we've outsourced our worth. Like, you hear me say this on my show, probably every show, you're worth being. Well, like, you have to believe that you're worth that because we outsource it to work. And then when you outsource that to work, and by the way, you're indebted up to your eyeballs on a car payment. A House payment, whatever I'm so desperate for. A, your approval and B, I've outsourced my well being for my like.

[Ken Coleman]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I've outsourced my roof and my food to you. Please, please, please.

[Ken Coleman]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I've given you permission to drag me around now. Right. Does that make sense?

[Ken Coleman]

It does. And I will say this, and we've got to understand there's two things you can do when you're in a situation where your leader, your boss is so unhealthy in their own world personally and as well if they've not been trained well professionally, because that's a big issue. I say this a lot. Bad bosses doesn't make a bad person. They're not always bad people.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My greatest friends. Yeah.

[Ken Coleman]

Here's what you got to do that. You have two responses. One, you, you say, all right, I can't do this under them and I'm going to find another place and I'm going to be patient and I'm going to find a healthy culture because it does exist. Absolutely right. The second thing is. Wait a second. And I love what you just said. I'm not going to give them the power that I've always given them. In other words, if I learn how to serenity prayer, right. Change the things that I can, the courage, accept the things I cannot. And you work on getting better at. In other words, if it's not abusive, it's not toxic. There's a difference between abuse and toxic leadership.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Correct.

[Ken Coleman]

Sometimes it's just bad.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Ken Coleman]

But can I learn how to navigate that for the season of life I'm in. And I'm saying that because I want a lot of people to realize option two is far more readily available than people realize. But we don't use it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Ken Coleman]

And I want people to understand if you can learn how to get healthy yourself or get some tools to be able to deal with a difficult person. Hello. Our friend Henry Cloud and boundaries and things of that nature, you can still succeed. But I love what you said. We've given too much to our leaders. We rely on them for too much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You and I, we co host another show and we teach people how to like get out of debt. Right? That sounds cool and it sounds funny. And Dave Ramsey's, you know, is like a. Can be a meme and it can be a whole thing. Right, we know that. But there's something beneath that, that when another grown man tells me, you will do what I. And I go, I'm not Right.

[Ken Coleman]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because I'm not outsourcing my dignity. Dignity to you. And because I drove a Corolla for 14 years, and my wife and I lived like, our mortgage person made fun of us back in Texas. She was a close friend of ours. She's like, hey, you qualify for this. Will you stop being embarrassing? And I said, no, no, no. We're gonna buy that house because of that. Now I can walk through my life, and for me, it's easier to do the serenity prayer when I know I can just walk right out the door. Right. And it's not easy, and it's not an overnight fix. It was for me, and my wife was 15 years.

[Ken Coleman]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. It sucked. It was not great. But, man.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I'm saying?

[Ken Coleman]

Oh, yeah. I mean, there's no question that financial freedom makes this. Dealing with this a lot easier.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. But on the other end, like you and I talk about all the time, I came with this idea for these little. I thought it was a unique idea. It turns out it wasn't. They're everywhere but conversation starter cards. Like, I've got an email that I saved. It's hilarious that Dave Ramsey was like, you're wasting my time and my money. And, like, I don't remember what it was. Was a funny, like, response email. Like, this is not a. Why are we doing this?

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then he has multiple times said, yeah, I was wrong. I was wrong with a lot of zeros on the end of that one. Right. It ended up being a great.

[Ken Coleman]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A thing that helps people and it's sold a lot of products. And so, like. But when he said when. Not him, but when the whole thing was. I feel like I'm fighting my company to do a thing that I believe in. It wasn't a moral, ethical thing. It was the thing I wanted to do, and they didn't want to do it.

[Ken Coleman]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, my wife loves me and my kids like me.

[Ken Coleman]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I got four same knuckleheaded buddies I've had, like. Right.

[Ken Coleman]

Who have no clue about any of that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's where my anchor is.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah. I agree with that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

God loves me. That's where my anchor is. This other stuff.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah. Well, that's a good segue. US Surgeon General under the Biden administration. This is a direct quote. Widespread loneliness in the US poses health risks as deadly as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day. Yeah. Costing the health industry billions of dollars annually. I would also say a little bit of research would yield that there's billions of dollars of productivity being lost in American companies as well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would say hundreds.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah, that's right. Loneliness increases the risk of premature death by nearly 30%. And it's revealed that poor social relationships had a greater risk of stroke and heart disease. So people that just have very, very poor relationships, meaning non existent or the ones that exist, are very unhealthy. That's unbelievable. The greatest cause of loneliness is often considered to be a lack of meaningful social connections. This was interesting. It went on to list several factors. I'm bringing this one up because one of them was transitions. You talk a lot about the digital stuff and the phones, and it was one of the main causes, which is, you know, we can just be distracted by all of our electronic and digital devices. But the one that stood out to me was transitions.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A close buddy of mine is a psychology professor back in Texas. He asked a question one time and it haunts me still. He said, what if we lived our lives every day like we couldn't move? What conversations would we have? How would we forgive? What little annoyances would we let fly by? But a conversation, you and I have a lot. We've created this world that our bodies weren't designed to live in. We can all pack up and move. There's companies that will come pack up and move for you, and your new company will pay them to do it. It's so trans. Like everything's transitory. But we have to remember, dude, we have these little tiny bodies that were designed to live in small tribes forever and to go around. And if your body woke up and realized, let me say it this way, if your body recognizes you don't have anybody, that you're all you've got, it would be failing you if it let you sleep all night because you're all you got. It would be failing you if you have. If it let you have a deep, connected sexual moment, intimate time with your. With your husband or wife. Because it's not time for sex. It's time to not die. You don't have anybody. And then we blame, oh, you got anxiety. Oh, you've, you're not eating well. Oh, you're like. All of this stuff, in my opinion, distills down to a brain that is screaming, you are all you've got. And if you have to be responsible for provision and security and rest and children and your body says, we can't sleep because we're on now and you can't do it. And one of those is you just pack up and move.

[Ken Coleman]

That's one. So I was thinking about that. So meaningful connection. It's not happening because of a transition. So maybe you've moved across country or one state over or a county over, then there's your kids change schools. I've been through that one. When you're a parent of a kid and you get locked into a school, there's community that you just become a part of, and then you transition. Now it's like, oh. And so Stacy and I went through that with. We had great community at our oldest son's school. Our middle son was there. He decides he wants to go to another school. He does. And I remember showing up the first couple of football games, and we were just kind of like, Stacy and I together felt like, I don't know anybody. We sat over here. So I'm pointing this out to say, if you're watching this or listening and you're in a state of transition, maybe divorce, whatever the transition is. I'm going from here to hear that. Jumped out to me, John, because I think we. We kind of look at the other culprits of lack of meaningful connections that jumped out to me to make sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have to go first and you have to be weird and you have to treat it as serious as a pending stroke that it is.

[Ken Coleman]

So what's that look like? Give us a real practical. Come pick a transition. Go first.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's that look like that like? So I moved from Texas. I lived in Texas 40 years. And like, so much so that when I told my family, my dad and my mom, and they lived a couple hours from us, so we were all pretty close. Hey, I'm moving out. Like, my dad had like a. Oh, you're moving out of Texas? I mean, it was that kind of like, hey, you know, Al Qaeda's waiting for you at the Oklahoma border. And like, you don't leave Texas. Right, Right. And so. But we moved here. It was priority numero uno. I have to have a couple of guys that I meet with all the time for breakfast, for going for walks, for lifting, for something. I have to have that. And here's another hot take. I don't think that's best at work. Because if you're best friends with the people you work with, that is so amazing. Until it's not. And if you. All of your. All of your human connection is at the workplace, and one of you gets let go, one of you gets downsized, one of you gets demoted, one of you is a great friend but just can't do this particular job as it's more than you need to do it, you used to go to concerts together, you used to go to church together, your kids used to play together. Now you can't go to concerts. Now you can't go to the same church. Like it blows up everything. So it's good to be friends and colleagues, but you have to do the hard work of having friends outside of this place where you don't have to be on. You can say, I know it's inappropriate. This is real funny. Look at this right where you can say, dude, my dad said he didn't want me to come home for Thanksgiving. I remember distinctly 1, 2, 3, 4, maybe 4 jobs ago having a hard conversation. I was working at a faith based university and I was going through like a gnarly season of I don't think this is real anymore. I'm wasting of my time. What I know now is a normal, late 20s, early 30s guy trying to figure out what he believes. That hard conversation was honest and vulnerable. And that guy told one guy, who told another guy, ended up in a performance review. Right. And so what I, my immature response was I just didn't tell anybody anything for another 10 years. And then I almost blew up everything in my house.

[Ken Coleman]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So that's a dumb response. So when you go to a new place, you'll call the electrician, the electric company to turn your electricity on. You'll turn your water on. You have to then take it that serious. Yeah, we got to start inviting people over.

[Ken Coleman]

I agree.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We got to go meet our neighbors. We got to go like in, in right now. There's a researcher out of Florida State, his name is Thomas Joiner and he is one of the, one of the most renowned suicide researchers. And he talks about a three legged stool. And there's been some debate about it, but when you're trying to do a suicide assessment, is this person actually going to hurt themselves? Right. And we know about means. Do they have an ability? Do they have a bottle of pills or they have a weapon? Like do they have that? And there's multiple conversations, but here's the one that stuck out at me. Perceived burdensomeness. When you get in your mind and in your body that those who love me would be better, the greatest gift I could give them is to not be here. Other people's lives would be better. If I'm not here and you want to go one step removed, look at the culture we've created overnight. If I called not you, but if I called you at 11, is like, hey, will you give me a ride at the airport real quick? Or you called me. My first thought would be, do you just Uber, Right?

[Ken Coleman]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't ask my neighbor for eggs anymore because I just instacart it. I don't ask somebody to help me move. I just hire some guys. And so now we have created a world where we think we're a burden for everything. And that begins to weigh on. I'm not gonna call them, dude. I don't want. Ah, dude, I'm not gonna bother them with. Now we know. The greatest gift I can give Ken is. Hey, you got five seconds? Can you help me think through this?

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Ken Coleman]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The greatest gift I can get is when one of my buddies calls. If somebody calls and asks me to move, I don't wanna be your friend. But other than that, that's the worst, right?

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah. There's gotta be something.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But like to feel needed is like a core human need.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so we've taken that out and we have made it all a transaction. So we're all walking around with this underlying low level hum that we're. We bother other people.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it would be better if we just did this.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then we move. Then. I'm not gonna bother my new neighbor. I'm not gonna. You have to, or your body's gonna implode on itself. It's just that simple.

[Ken Coleman]

So good. I'm glad we covered that. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags in relationships. Red flags, green flags, even beige flags. It's hard enough to keep track of what they're all supposed to mean, much less keep them in mind when you're trying to balance relationships with health, family and work. So here's a tip. Don't waste time on arbitrary labels. Just focus on the values you share with the people in your life. Stuff like faith, honesty, communication and work ethic. And if you're not even sure what your values are, therapy can help you figure them out. Find what you're looking for in your relationships and decide your non negotiables. That's why I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy with licensed therapists. That means you can talk with your therapist when it's convenient for your schedule. Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a therapist. Plus you can switch providers at any time for no additional cost. So whether you're dating, married, finding friends, or just working on yourself, do it with Help from better help. Visit betterhelp.com Ken to get 10% off your first month. That's better. H E L p.com Ken all right, let's go to a question right back here.

[Audience Member]

Okay, John, so you mentioned twice other men in your life. Once was when your dad transition from being a cop to a pastor. He kind of pushed you to go find those other men. And then also just even in after your transition to Nashville, how did you find the men that you would call your close friends? Like, what did you look for in those people?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I tried to find people that I could add value to and I tried to always keep in check this sense that I'm not worthy to be in this conversation. So I know there's a common like Instagram y thing like find the 10 guys that you want to be one day and you go see what you can learn from that. I, I think that turns every human interaction into an ROI to a 401k. I'm gonna put this in and hope that I get this out of it. And I think that's the death of true relationships. So the joke around here that's not a joke was I had an 18 month ramp up plan for this new job. I'd never been on the radio, I'd never been on podcast. I didn't know anything about this. I just joined here late January 2020. The world melts down in March. And then just a few months later, Dave Ramsey's like, I hired you to help hurting people. Everybody's hurting. We're gonna figure this out on the air. So my first time on the radio was on the second largest radio show in America. Okay. The very first episode, maybe the second one, he said something and I don't remember what it was about, but I remember saying, that's not right. And you could feel the. And I didn't know enough to know you don't tell Dave Ramsey on the Dave Ramsey Show. That's not right. It started a great conversation. He loved it. The audience was like, who's this guy? But here's the most important thing I didn't. I wanted to add value to what I was doing. That's what I thought I got hired to do. And I didn't put my self worth into whether this other guy likes me, my wife likes me, and my friends like me and my kids like me. And so I think when you are trying to find other men in your life, other women in your life, those that we want to hang out with, feel the globbiness of you Know what I mean? They feel it instead of, nice shoes, man. And you might get some. But there will be a guy that's like, dude, that guy, like, that's my guy. Does that make. Does that make sense? And so I think, where can I add value to something? Okay, let me help you with your yard. Or I've got a neighbor who's doing a thing like, hey, let me watch your house while you're gone. He doesn't know me, right? But now he knows, oh, you're the kind of guy that offers to watch my house when I'm gone. Right. Hey, you're kind of creepy, but also, you're probably my guy. Right? And so I think it's. How can you add value to somebody's life? And maybe the other way to say it's just be a good person. Right? But then the other thing is you gotta just gotta go be weird.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah, you gotta. You gotta be friendly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You gotta go be weird.

[Ken Coleman]

And then figure out who do I actually want to be friends with. All right, I've put you on the spot. Okay, just describe. Don't have to be fancy. What do you want from another guy friend? What do you want the experience to be when you're hanging out with them?

[Audience Member]

Yeah, so I've. I've thought about this a good bit. I would say, I would describe. Good friends are friends that are going to risk the relationship for the good of the relationship. And the way that would play out is someone who's willing to make me feel uncomfortable for my good. Because at any point, if.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If they.

[Audience Member]

They make me uncomfortable, I can just up and leave and don't have to address it. But a lot of times it's those friends that are willing to do that that I know are true, like very good friends. And it's like friends that I that do that are rare because not many people want to have those conversations that are going to make you good as a person or make you better. But the times that I have had friends do that for me, that in the moment, not appreciative of it later on.

[Ken Coleman]

Well, I would just say real quick to that. The reason I asked that question is because now you know what you need, so now you know what you're looking for. And those friends are going to be very rare because you need a truth teller, someone who's very blunt. They're very comfortable with confrontation because confrontation doesn't require anger. Confrontation is just simply, I'm going to confront what I see and what I hear, and I'm going to throw My point of view at it. So not everybody's comfortable with that. So as you begin to navigate relationships with other men out there, you ask enough questions, you're so inquisitive, that you figure out pretty quickly, oh, this guy, he's not that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Ken Coleman]

So if you're needing somebody like that in your life, you got to search them out. But the way you do it is not walking around going, hey, what's your level of confrontation? How do you feel about that? No, it's just you're.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're.

[Ken Coleman]

You're finding out, okay, where would some of those men be, by the way?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I also think you have to be the guy. You got to be. Have the reputation of the guy that'll tell the truth. Like, I just tell the truth.

[Ken Coleman]

That's right, because you'll attract.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I get what you like. Not like, I'm gonna call out. I'm a guy who calls out.

[Ken Coleman]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, I'm just a guy that tells the truth. Like, if I say something dumb, Ken will be like, that's absurd.

[Ken Coleman]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And not because, like, Ken's a guy that calls out friends, but it's like, Ken just tells the truth. Which is why I love Kent. Right. Like, I know he's gonna tell me the truth, even if it's different than what I think. Right. And I think that. But that's who you are out in the world.

[Ken Coleman]

That's fair. So I think that. That idea there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

And I just add one thing, like, sounds like you've done this before, but vulnerability and honesty is an attractive quality, and it's kind of getting to what you were saying, where you have to search out those people and have real relationships to find people that are honest. Like, vulnerability is honesty.

[Ken Coleman]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I think you have to flip that. And I got to go first. Yeah.

[Ken Coleman]

100%. I wrote that down. I can't say that enough. You get. And you got to do it enough.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Ken Coleman]

Not just go first, but keep showing up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I think. So let's take someone, like, as well known and famous and powerful, if you will, as Dave is like, my dad loves me. My wife loves. So I don't need that from him. What I need is a trustworthy boss, a trustworthy, like, leader who's gonna lead the company. And I need, like, someone to teach me the ropes.

[Ken Coleman]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't know how to play guitar. And now I'm all of a sudden on stage, and he handed me guitar. I don't know how to do this. And also, I happen to be by one of the most well known financial minds of the world. So he's my like, right? And he needs me to tell him the truth. If he calls something on the radio, I'm like, I don't think that's right. And so there's this, this. I'm not afraid to be like, dude, I don't even know what you just said. And I didn't know enough. He would go through this long explanation of a mutual fund on air, and I'd be like, hey, could you say that this is on air? Could you say that like I was a fourth grader Because I don't really understand what you just said. Then they're like, dude, the audience loves that because sometimes it. And so it's. I'm not scared to look dumb in front of him because I haven't outsourced. Please tell me that I've got value. That's not his job in my life, right? Which allows us to get closer and closer and closer. And now I consider him a great friend and he's wise and he's helped me with some really gnarly stuff in my personal life. But it's because I'm not scared to look dumb, right? But it's that going back to going first, but all of it like works on a dominoes. Like, that's because this stuff at home is okay. And that allows me to go out and be like, yeah, yeah.

[Ken Coleman]

So I want to dig. And this is fun because while I know you and I know a good amount about you, I do not know about specific pain from your past. And I really believe that our pain of course shapes us, but I know it drives a lot of people like us. And I'm sitting here today going in the middle of therapy, going, my drive is completely from some past pain. So I want to know what drives you, what is it?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The thing that drives me probably, if I were to take a 30,000 foot view, is kind of an obsession with making sure my son, who's 14, and my daughter, who's 9, never enter into a space in this world where they don't know they can't come home. And that starts with saying the right things and doing the right things. But that also starts with me not being radioactive, right? And so what that means is I've had to do a lot of heart therapy. I've had to admit to some stuff that I want to talk about, right? I've had to be honest about stuff that happened to me as a kid. I've had to. I've had to do the work, to heal. And that had to learn, like, go down a rabbit hole to learn the stuff. So that's, that's. That's probably the biggest one. The second one is just sitting behind closed doors with people who've had every. Who've got everything right. And it kind of happened accidentally 20 something years ago. And I think most people are pretty good. I think most people are doing the best they can. And when situations rise up, they open their toolkit and they don't have a. They don't have. They have a hammer and a chisel. It's all they got. And so they try to solve problems with what they have. And so I think we have a culture that tells you why you're wrong and tells you what you're doing wrong. And you said the wrong thing and you. Now you get in trouble for thought crimes. Now you can't think something. You can't ask a question anymore. And I just think it's important to provide a picture for. Here's what it looks like to not have all the answers, but to. To provide a picture of what it looks like to sit with hurting people. And I don't think we have that picture anymore. Right? Like, I don't want to yell at my kids anymore. I don't even know what that would mean, to not do that. I don't have an altern. I keep going in the, in, in my bag. That's all I got. So I think, to answer your question, like, to help other dads, to help other moms, to help other folks have a picture for what it looks like, right? There's, there's. There's the Andes, there's the Hubermans of the world who are brilliant neuroscientists. They know how to do all that stuff. That's awesome. I want to apply that so a single mom with two kids can know how I can do this one thing better with my kid. So those are the things, I think that drive me.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah. That's the motivation, the pull.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So the pull. The thing I. The boat I get dragged behind is my sister was a savant, and my little brother was real smart. And I was a stupid kid. I was the jock. My dad was a homicide detective and a SWAT hostage negotiator. And so I lost every argument I was ever in my entire life. And I learned. I will learn how to dance with words. My mom was told at the family she grew up in, she was not allowed to go to college. You will not go. You are a. You in their particular Faith, like, you have a role and it is to not be educated. You will find somebody to marry and you will stay at home. And then at 42, she went to college and she's in her 70s, and she's still a grad school professor right now. And so I'm getting dragged behind. No, wait. I'm smart, too. Maybe if I get the right degree, the right certificate, then somebody will finally turn around and be like, was that.

[Ken Coleman]

A result of comparison? Meaning you saw that with your brother and sister, or was it. And I'm not trying to pick on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Parents, but I pick. You pick.

[Ken Coleman]

Well, I'm not. I don't know. I guess my question is, is that a result of the comparison or is it more a result of something your mom or dad said or did that you felt like, oh, I'm on the totem pole and I see where I'm at. They put me there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm cur.

[Ken Coleman]

This was it a wounding moment.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The. The guy who's a dad now, the compassionate guy, knows that. My dad was a homicide detective. He sat with. With people who were going to go to jail forever. All, all day, every day. And then, then he had me, who shows up as a ninth grader going. Playing in punk rock clubs, right? And he knew enough to know, oh, that's the trajectory for my son. I see where this ends.

[Ken Coleman]

He thought punk rock and he was scared.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, so the story always tells you.

[Ken Coleman]

To be a criminal.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, so when you do jobs like that, when you're in the. When you are a physician, when you're a preacher, when you're a cop, when you're in the military, if you and I were walking in a dark alley and there was somebody walking the other side of us, and we took that track a thousand times, 998 times. There'd be no eye contact. We would just keep walking. One time out of a thousand, that person would pull their hood off and be like, hey, I got two tickets to Michael Bublet. You guys want to go? And I would be like, yes. And Kim would be like, please don't, John. Like, right. That's what happened. One time out of that thousand. One time out of a hundred thousand, that guy would pull out a hatchet and chop me and you to pieces. Right? My dad's entire life was dealing with things that never happen, which was somebody got murdered. And I think this is a lesson for all of us, and I've really wrestled with it. When you go to work and that's your job, it's easy to become your whole life. There's a hilarious family story that's not funny at the time, but it's funny now as like an 8 or 9 year old. We went to baseball practice and I was late, like always. I ran out the back door. We get home from baseball, I'm in a. In a north Houston suburb. Like, the worst crime that went on was like, kid said bad words. Right?

[Ken Coleman]

Right. Little toilet paper. After the football game on Friday night. There you go.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I left the back door open. We pull into the driveway and my dad just got back from baseball practice. This is before, like concealed carry. This is way back in the day. My dad looks at me and he said, I knew it. And I didn't know this. He pulls a gun out that he's carrying and goes in and clears the house. And I remember being nine being like, that's probably a bit much. Right? Like, but that's his whole world. And so I think when he saw a loud kid or a wild kid.

[Ken Coleman]

It'S easy to go, worst case scenario.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. Because all I do all day, every day is worst case scenario. And so, yeah, you felt that. It was absolutely.

[Ken Coleman]

Did he say it?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I remember maybe the hardest conversation we had was, I know you like music and I know you do this, but I can't support it. So I'm not gonna tell you no, but I'm not going anymore. And I remember that kind of locked in and.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah, let's stay there for a second.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Ken Coleman]

So what now? Doing what you do. Plus, you've been in therapy. What is the voice that came from that or the wound that came from that? Cause you said you locked in on that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It goes back to that thing. It's funny, I'd never connected that. Ken, well done. It goes back to that thing I said with Hank and Joe, my kids. There will not ever be a. A line you cross that you won't turn and I'm not gonna be right there. And so I Knew, oh, at 14, there's a line.

[Ken Coleman]

He's not going to support me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can continue, but you're going on this one by yourself, and I'm gonna stay here. Whether it's because I can't support you, it's because I don't like the image and reputation. I don't like whatever it is.

[Ken Coleman]

So what do you think, looking back, that you felt in that moment? What is that voice that developed out of that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I was an arrogant high school kid, listened to a lot of Pantera. So I was like, oh, yeah, okay. Right. So it was kind of, I can do this.

[Ken Coleman]

Was it an I'll show you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No. Because I knew early on that I'll do it in spite of you. I'll prove it to you. Is jet fuel. It burns real fast. It burns hot, but it's not long. But what I did do is I started finding alternatives real quick. And so the guys who were in that little punk band of mine, I talked to their parents more than I talked to mine.

[Ken Coleman]

So that was the alternative, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, I'll find other adults. And in a weird way, my dad, halfway through my childhood, and I don't remember when he stopped being a cop over a weekend and became a minister at a large church in. In north Houston. And I remember him saying, which is so wise. I'm now your minister. You won't be able to hear me. You need to find some men that you can trust and go to and talk to. And I did not know how. What a gift that was back then, but I took it like, cool, that's fine. Now with. With new tools and new ideas and more. You don't go to therapy back then. You didn't go to a counselor back then unless you were quote, unquote, nuts, Right? And so my dream for me and Hank is, when he comes to that moment is, I'm gonna go sit in the front row, and you're gonna have to do this looking at me, right? Like, watching. And I'll tell you, I don't think that was a wise thing, or I don't think that's smart, or I don't think that's good. But I'm gonna be right here. Everybody wants to. We talk about, like, you want to be better, like, you wanna make more money than your kid or then you're pay. I mean, everybody wants their kids to do better than them. And so hopefully have that same sort of. My dad has that same hope that, like, all right, I'm gonna take that and I'm gonna remember that, and I'll keep going.

[Ken Coleman]

I want to follow up to where we are, because I know in this room, even though I'm looking at these men and women, and they're some confident people, but I just know from the data that one of the biggest search terms in the world of work is imposter syndrome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You'll find no more insecure person than me.

[Ken Coleman]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So.

[Ken Coleman]

And I was going to say I've got my insecurity. So I want to ask you, what is that? Insecurity? What's that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, you say that I've had body dysmorphia issues since I was a little kid. So, like my.

[Ken Coleman]

Where does that come from?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My parents were on. Again, this is the blame. My parents are. No, this, this is. I think the matter is your kid, your kids, whether you say it or not, they absorb your home. They absorb messages implicitly, explicitly. And kids are. They have to. Because they're, They're. They're a weaker vessel, right? They have to know, am I safe here? And they, they feel it. They absorb it. My parents were in the newspaper for being Weight Watchers, for how much weight they lost, right? And so there was a. There was always a. We're always on a diet. We're always. It was a thing, right? And that's. Back at low fat was coming out and Weight Watchers was coming out and Jenny Craig was.

[Ken Coleman]

All these things were coming out the first Oprah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They were right, right. They were everywhere. And so I think you take. Take the message of aesthetics is really, really important. And you combine that with me being a Texas high school football player. And so I was playing in front of five, six, seven thousand people every weekend. And you take that into having acne and you take that into. I was a good kid, I went to church, but I also liked punk rock music. And so I never really belonged. I never had. I never felt like. I always felt out of sync, right? I'd been out even this morning. It's just me being as honest I can. I'm working with a guy out of California now on a 20, 25, like the new year, New me. And I weighed in. This had a weigh in this morning. It was a bad weigh in. And my wife came in and she didn't see anything. I didn't say anything. She. We've been together 25 years now. She felt it and she just walked in and gave me a big hug. She felt whatever was on me, right? And it was those old demons, like, yeah, really.

[Ken Coleman]

Let me ask you this, putting you on the spot. But, you know, you and I sit in these, in this stupid role that we get to play and get paid for it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's the last great loophole of mankind.

[Ken Coleman]

This YouTuber dude, I know, right? Where people, for whatever reason, care about what we say or they look at us and go, okay. But I just have found that every biography I've ever read of a great woman or a great man, every biography, every one of them, there's enormous strength that you end up learning about. And that's why they got a book about it. But the Strength came from massive struggle. Massive struggle. I don't care if it's Abraham Lincoln, you know, I don't care who it is. What are you struggling with right now that you're willing to share a struggling.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

With the global anxiety? That AI is going to take everything from me.

[Ken Coleman]

We're going to get there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I've told this story, and I don't know if you and I have talked about it, but it's. It's the. It's the blast radius from this conversation. And I'm in the middle of writing a book on anxiety, and I'm laying out for America how to not be anxious. And my family all came for Christmas, and they'd stayed. I'd invited them too long. They were trying to oblige me. And it's one of those things that we all have, like, everyone's just had enough of everybody. And then I think I got Covid right after that, and then I got some. And I'm downstairs completely fried, exhausted, writing a book. And, you know, book writing season is just on top of everything else. And so it's early mornings, late nights, my head's somewhere else all the time, and I'm working out in the gym because you don't ever skip a day, right? Like. Right. And my manager calls, and we were close to paying off our house, and he called and said, hey, there's these two speaking gigs that we're going to be shapeshifter for our family. You got. I'm a cops kid, and my wife's parents were two school teachers. The idea of having a no house payment was. Was like dragons, right? And unicorns. It wasn't ever going to happen. He calls and goes, hey, man, you got a second? And I was like, yeah. He goes, hey, you know, two speaking gigs, man. I chased him down. Here's the deal. And I was like. And he goes. He starts yelling. He goes, we got him. And I was like, what? And he goes, I for sure. I inked this one. I'm 99 sure on the other one, right? I start cheering like I'm getting goosebumps again. I started cheering in basement. I'm sweaty, gaunt, exhausted, sick, yelling, yeah. So much so that my wife came downstairs in the basement and I'd set up this huge gym. It's really fancy pants down there, and it's kind of rad. And she's smiling like, what are you yelling about? And I just got off the phone, and I was like, we got him. She's like, got what? And it's like, I got this thing in wherever in Phoenix. And I got this other thing and wherever. And she's. And I was like, yeah. And my wife is. So when things get wild, things get wild out in the world, I get real calm. There's like a shooting or I gotta go do something, heavy crisis. I get real calm, real still. And my wife will kinda get tense. But in relationship stuff, I get real amped up and she gets real calm. And so normally she would back up, head upstairs, knowing we need to talk. She didn't do that this time. This time she came in and got real close, like this close. And she said, I'm watching my husband die and I'm watching him cheer the whole way. And dude, I got mad. I was like, what are you talking about? I just gave us the best news possible.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And she said, the pie chart for how much I love you. The pie piece, that is how much I love you or is how much money you make is full. It's full. And she said, you can go do these speaking gigs. I told you when I married you I would never tell you no go. But don't you dare say it's for me and for the kids, because it's not true. It's for your ego. And bro, I got. I was beside myself, right? And I was like, it was a.

[Ken Coleman]

Bucket of cold water. Right or wrong, it was cold water on you. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And she looked at me and she said, john, we have enough. She turned and walked up and I remember yelling after her, what the hell is enough? And it wasn't yelling at. She was upstairs. I have like a rule about not yelling in the house. But I was like, what the hell's enough? And so here I am two years later. That was the single most important conversation we've ever had. Because from that I went to therapy. From there, I sat with an oracle here in Nashville who we had some. Talked about some deep, dark stuff that my wife didn't even know about that had happened to me as a kid. Just hard stuff. But from there has been a. Always asking, do I have enough or do I believe I've got enough? What am I putting my trust in?

[Ken Coleman]

So that's that constant struggle.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's the constant struggle, do I need to do this because it's right. Do I need to do this because I'm helping other people? Do I need this for my ego or do I need to say no and make sure I'm at this weird third grade play. I'm not super certain. My daughter's dressed up like A blade of grass. And I don't know what we're doing here, but I can see her, see me. Right? And again, going back to my original. I want her to always know that the old man's got me, right? And so I get all the way back as I'm chasing that bomb blast of. I need to make sure I'm doing this next, next thing for the right reasons and making sure that my wife and I are locked, step on whatever the next thing is. Because what I found. It doesn't matter how much money you make, dude. It doesn't. Doesn't. The demon's still at the table, bro. It doesn't matter how many followers you have. They're still at the table. Doesn't matter how many books you sell. The demons still have to see the table. And it doesn't shut them up.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so now that I know that you know, you read about that, you hear about that. Now that I know that now I can make different kind of choices.

[Ken Coleman]

Thanks for sharing that. All right. Right here.

[Audience Member]

So, John, you have spoken a number of times. I like to think about it like, what is the one thing to solve that solves all the other things? And I think you've mentioned a number of times, which is this stake in the ground at home.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

So if you and a partner are trying to co create a future together, it sounds like not being on the same page or not working together are some of the reasons why the workplace has become the outlet for those things. So how would you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If.

[Audience Member]

If a relationship is not oriented in that way, what are either the detriments, the things that are missing that most people are, like, just not seeing, or what are the impediments that you see that are there that need to be removed?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Man. So that's an amazing question. That's actually the. That right there. That question is what's consuming. I have my clinical diagnosis, ocd. I get obsessed with a question. I can't stop. And so that's the question that's haunting me right now. About a year ago, I went to our admin that we share, and I was like, go to Amazon. Buy every book on marriage that exists. I want to know, like, figure this thing out. Best I can find so far is secrets will destroy marriages. Big ones, little ones, teeny tiny ones. The things like, hey, those little hairs in the sink drive me crazy. If you just sit on it and sit on it and sit on it, right? Then it turns into something over here. So secrets will destroy a relationship. The second one is you have to have like the. Got my stuff. I love you. Just still all we done. You have to be friends. You gotta be friends. And I think friendship, it's an art, but it's also a science. It's a series of things. So here's a good example. I have a buddy that we. Every time I go back to Texas, we all hang out and we've watched the fights before the ufc, was the ufc, even Pride fighting over in Japan. Like I was obsessed. We've been super fans forever. We still get together. He always, always, Tim leaves all the cans out when we're hanging out. Always, always. My house, his house, other people's, always. We've yelled at him, made fun of him, just whatever, like just picked him up. Now I've been friends for 30 years. I just pick. We just pick whoever just picks up the cans. Not one time have I ever driven home from watching the fights with him with anger in my heart and tears in my eyes, being like, what is he trying to tell me about our friendship? What is he trying. Right? And then I go home and it's one in the morning because the fights went late and there's two wet towels on the counter. And I think, what is my wife trying to tell me? What is she trying to say? I put so much insane existential weight on every sneeze, every move, every snicker, because the third thing is going to that root. She's the only one who really sees me. And if I don't give her a map to tell me how she can show me, tell me, let me know that I'm loved despite it all, then I'm always going to be wondering if every little thing, every little. I wanted to make out tonight and she wanted to watch tv, I wanted to do this and she wanted to go here. I wanted to eat at this restaurant, she wanted to go here. It's setting off that little GPS pin. And maybe she sees you, this part of you, she doesn't like it. She doesn't like it. She don't like. Does she? Does she? Does she? And so that's where all the great researchers everybody talks about you have. They call them love maps. I call it a road map. You got to give somebody a path. And Hollywood lied to us. There's no such thing as. I see you across the other side of this ill fated boat and I'm just gonna know your path to your heart. No, that's just dumb. It's insane, I have to say. You know what I need in this season? Like just Us going for walks. My wife said something awesome the other day. She walked in and I was doing something, and she goes, sit down on the couch. I need to borrow your nervous system for about 20 minutes. So we turned on an old Brooklyn9.9 episode, the old office episode, and she just curled up against me. And then when it literally was over, she goes, cool, that's what I needed. And that was it. But she. That was her telling me, I need your warmth and your strength, and I need your. Like, you're healthy right now. I just need to breathe up against my husband. What most couples would do in that moment. And by the way, that's lots of us almost breaking up. That's not. We don't have a perfect marriage by any means. Most couples would wish he would come over there and do that, and they would see him on the couch and get really pissed off and then go in the bedroom and then start scrolling. Or then go to find what that other guy that they were dating before is doing. And then. And then. Or text. Just do work emails. And then there's a funny emoji inside joke from a guy that she works with. And now you're off to the races, right? And so you got to give somebody a map. And by the way, that map changes over time. Like the five love language. Maybe. Maybe gifts are important in this season. Maybe next season. Just tell me you're proud of me. Maybe the season after that is going to be passionate and peeling the walls off every hotel you go to, right? Maybe. And then, like, so it goes in season, which means I got to show back up and check in. How can I love you today? Well, it's like, give me, give me one. One thing I can do that will say I love you today. And so it's simple. It's be friends. It's the little stuff. It's just, dude, just pick up the towels. Just pick them up. Like, good God, stop and pick them up. And then if there are the big things, let's have that conversation. And then you begin to create a path where y'all can go. It's you and J versus the world, man. Some. That makes sense.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

I'm a super driven entrepreneur. She's a small town girl, stays at home.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's like a John Cougar Mellencamp song.

[Ken Coleman]

There you go.

[Audience Member]

So I think our challenge has always been kind of, how do we sync those? Where I'm like, in a million places and she's like, I just want your attention. My attention's all the way over here. In talking with other guys, they have very similar, like, I'm trying to protect, I'm trying to provide. I'm trying to do all these things while also fulfilling.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so I think that. Can I push on you?

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I knew a lot of dudes who protect and provide. And sometimes your family or your family always needs a direct deposit. They do. They need that provision. They need money. They do. And I think everybody needs to be able to take care of their family, at least to get them out of a situation. Right. They're not all gonna be Krav Maga instructors, but I need to know how to handle myself to get my family to a safe place. Right. But a lot of times, more than anything, especially in the modern world, our wives need us to provide our full attention. The greatest thing we can protect is not them from bullets. The greatest thing we could protect is their sense of feeling untethered because they feel like our job's more important than they are. And so using those same protect and provide words, and I get, I guess what I would like, I, you know, when the research came out of Stanford a few years ago, that there's no such thing as multitasking. It's not real. I was convincing all these brand new employees. Most of my, like when I was working at universities, out of a jillion employees, but most of them were is their first or second job. And it took energy for me to say, hey, if you'll not do everything, if for one hour, you'll close that door and just work on this, you'll do it better, faster, and it will be way richer. And so one of the conversations I have with entrepreneurs a lot is if you'll stop for a minute and get this really right, you will be stunned at how it. It tunes your engine and how fast y'all can go. So a follow up to that conversation in my basement. I am busier right this moment than I ever was when I took that phone call in my basement, in my marriage. Right now, it might not be when this thing airs, but right now, I could not have. I would have bet you everything that it would not be as good as it is right now. It's as synced as it's ever been because it's not about the busy and the scattered. It's about, do you see me and still love me? Do you see me and still love me? And here's what that means right now. And my wife has to know that this is more important than a blog post. She does. Right? And vice versa. So I appreciate that. Ian Simpkins, he's a pastor here down the street, has a great quote that he told me once when we were having lunch, and I almost. I wanted to slap him. You can't slap ministers, right? But he said, hey, if busyness is your drug, rest will always feel like stress, man. And when he said that, I was like, oh, you can get high off being busy, too, right?

[Ken Coleman]

So, anyway, it was a really great wise answer. And I was just thinking of an Amy Grant lyric.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Ken Coleman]

Stop for a minute Baby, I'm so glad you're mine. I know. I feel really good about that. All right, John, I want to show you something. My friend Alex Hormozi, very popular. Got a hot take on our next topic, so I'm gonna let you watch it first, and then I'll throw an opinion at you.

[Narrator]

I was having a conversation with a famous YouTuber who is known for sacrificing all of his time and doing everything like Monk mode, no girlfriend. And he called me up and he was like, you can maintain your muscle mass without working out that much. Why do you work out so much? Shouldn't you be taking all that extra time and working more on getting to a billion dollars? The answer is no. Under that same assumption. Okay, well, then having kids is something that's going to make you poor. But with most people, if you have kids, you make more money. Part of that is because you have more mouths.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Defeat.

[Narrator]

So you force yourself to make more money. The other reason is that if you think all the way at the top of the wealth pyramid, look at Bezos, look at Musk, look at Bill Gates, look at Warren Buffett. Every single one of them not only have one kid, but multiple children. If it were true that having kids or working out were something that were going to cost you wealth in the long term, then the people who are at the top of the pyramid wouldn't have those things, which means the premise is false. You do have to work to a certain point. And then after you have a certain amount of work that you are able to put in, the leverage or how much you get out of the work that you put in becomes the big multiplier.

[Ken Coleman]

Fascinating.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Amen, Alex. Amen.

[Ken Coleman]

So the birth rate is the lowest it's ever been.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's plummeting.

[Ken Coleman]

It's plummeting. And so here's Alex taking a hot take. I did some research. There's not a clear study that would support what he says.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

However, that study exists for marriage, though.

[Ken Coleman]

I. I know it's absolutely right. In marriage. But I think. And so that's the correlation. Can we make the statement that, hey, a lot of young people right now that are trying to get rich and get wealthy, and they're putting off marriage, they're putting off having children.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Maybe they should rethink that 1000%. Here's my most eye opening. Oh, my gosh, they're right, is exactly what he said. My biggest aha moment of studying marriage over the last year has been. Let me back up. So working at universities, everybody's real smart, and they get PhDs in these things, and they study one sliver of a thing forever. That's what they know. And they know everything about that thing. And I found. I remember I was at a place, at a party one time, whatever, and I was asking somebody, like, hey, what do you think about this? What do you think about this? And I think the thing I asked was about DEET bug spray. Like, because it's a neurotoxin, it'll kill you. Like, hey, physician, ex researcher. Do you. What do you think about. What do you think about DEET bug spray? Oh, it's this and this. It's a neurotoxin. It melts this. And here's how it works in your brain and all this stuff. Then like, a couple of months later, we're at a party and I saw her spraying her kids, and I was like, ah, that's what you believe about bug spray. And so I've just stopped asking people what they think. I've started asking them, hey, what do you do with your kids? Because that tells me what you really think about it, what you really believe about it, or, hey, what are you doing with your life? So if you go look at most wealthy people, Stratawise, they are married. And if you dig into the data, the single most decision, the most important decision you can make is who you marry. Correct. And if you marry well and you work really hard at it, there will be. It is a compound interest multiplier that you can't fathom.

[Ken Coleman]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And let me tell you, the least important compound interest multiplier is your net worth. Who freaking cares if you have a ride or die and y'all get through life and it's awesome. Here's the thing. We try to. Dude, now I get all passionate about this one.

[Ken Coleman]

No, I love it. And I gotta jump in real quick. Okay, you and I have looked at this. We were talking about this the other day in that room. We had a whiteboard and you were whiteboarding stuff. It's Undeniable that you're healthier.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Everything in your life is better.

[Ken Coleman]

And so that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And especially men.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah. So forget net worth. I want to know how healthy I am. Oh my gosh, that's my wealth.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Everything about you is better. But here's the problem. My grandparents got married right before World War II. And then World War II set off. My granddad went off, I think he was in the Pacific, but fighting Nazis, fighting bad guys, right? Then they had four kids and they had to survive. And then he came back and went to college, got engineering, like did all this stuff. And then when he died at 73 years of marriage, I think my grandmother died shortly thereafter and we had some good fun conversations. She was a riot. But she lost a lung, she lost an arm and a leg. They were one. After 74, 73 years together, they became soulmates. And now we try to reverse engineer it and pick the soulmate on the front end. And then after four years, I don't feel in love anymore or I'm not feeling attracted to you. It's so foolish and stupid when you're in a trench, I don't care how you feel, bro, we got to dig out of this hole we're in. We're married now. We have a mouth to feed. We got two mouths to feed, right? And so you can't reverse engineer it. You have to look at somebody. And I don't want to over simplify it, but it's this easy. You and me, will we decide for the rest of our lives that I'll wake up and decide, how can I make your day? How can I make your life as good as possible? Will you commit to doing that with me? And if we do that together for the rest of our lives, we're going to create something extraordinary.

[Ken Coleman]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, it's not going to be pain free. No life is. But when the storms hit, we've got each other. When your mom gets cancer, when my dad passes away, when we both lose our jobs, when 2008 happens again, which it will, and our houses get taken from us, we will be all the way in on the boat. So he is 100% right. The wealthiest of the wealthies still get married and they still hang in there and they still figure it out.

[Ken Coleman]

Well, I think, I think he's right. Because you know, this parenting reveals a level of strength that you previously have not experienced.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you got to come home. You got to come home from the disco.

[Ken Coleman]

Right? But you know what I'm saying, like marriage is One thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Ken Coleman]

Marriage is. It's a different animal in the sense of. I always felt responsibility to provide for Stacy and give her a great life. And I want to make her happy. Right. But there's this baton that you start thinking about. I'm not passing a baton to Stacy. I'm passing a baton to my kids. It's a different thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man.

[Ken Coleman]

And I just think that it gives you a level of strength and fortitude, tenacity, when you got mouths that are relying on you. And then a future.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Ken Coleman]

Do you know what I mean?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, this is.

[Ken Coleman]

I had Josie for two hours in my arms. True story. Two hours. She's two hours old. I'm holding her in the hospital, and I literally. No one else was around me. And I literally had a thought. I wonder what weddings are going to cost when she's. Yeah. Now again, neurotic. Yeah, sure. Unhealthy. I'm sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No.

[Ken Coleman]

Unnecessary. Sure. No, but reality, absolutely. That. That's what I mean. There is a heightened alert.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Ken Coleman]

That comes on you when you're a parent. So I think Alex is absolutely right. I mean, it's just flat out there's some responsibility that you get that you go, I gotta step up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. And it's. Dude, it's like the current world we have when you. When I love how you said step up, it's like getting a squat rack. And when you get under a squat bar and you're married, you look at somebody and you go, ride or die. Me and you. I do. I'm telling my family, I'm telling you. I'm telling God, you're my person. That weight goes. It's heavy. And then you put kids in there, it gets real heavy. But that also means you get real strong. And sometimes you fall and you get hurt, but you get real strong. Right now we have this insanity that the most important thing is net worth, job title, and then everything else that comes after it. Work should be in service to this thing that matters. And so you have a bunch of folks that have a bunch of commas and zeros in their checking account. They have no strength. They've never been under the squat rack of responsibility. And that's where life is. You know what I'm saying?

[Ken Coleman]

Oh, yeah. I mean, dude, that's absolutely right. I mean, this idea that, you know, every human, I think, needs to feel. I don't want to be insensitive here, because I know there are people that are watching this that are single and may never have kids, but I do think there Is something special about feeling the primal protection, by the way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can feel it with adoption. You can feel.

[Ken Coleman]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have seen. You can feel with your own kid like you can. But it's about being in service to.

[Ken Coleman]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Instead of about being a net drain on.

[Ken Coleman]

Isn't that. It's so true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right? So really, I remember, dude, I remember there's another hot take. And you may disagree with me on this. I remember watching that amazing ESPN documentary on the Bulls with Jordan, right? But I remember there was a scene with him. It's haunted me. He's in that hotel room, smoking a cigar, laying on the couch, and there's a cameraman. And down below in the lobby, it's packed with people and he looks at them and he goes, you don't want to be me. And I remember thinking, oh, that guy can't go to the bathroom. That guy has no human interaction unless the person is on his payroll. He has no friends, nobody he meets who says, I want to marry you. He'll never be able to sleep at night thinking, is this pure or not? And then I kept seeing those like five or six, like pieces of cloth hanging in the rafters of a gym. And I kept asking myself two words. A two word question. For what? You gave up your whole life for what? Shiny stuff. Cool. Like for glory. We all end up in the same box, man. We just end up in the same hole in the ground. Like, for what? And so when I, when I hear these and it's for the chance to be great. Fine, good. That's a whole other conversation. But when I talk to 25 year olds, 27 year olds, and it's like, no, no, no, dude, I gotta, I gotta make this and I gotta go get this. And. And I always ask, for what? For what?

[Ken Coleman]

Well, that brings up an interesting point. It's not that I disagree with you, I think that's the right question. But I also say in Michael Jordan's case, let's say that he didn't have friends and he was divorced and all that stuff. But that's like saying that you can't be super successful in your profession, in your calling and not be super successful in your home.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I think that's the question. What's the balance?

[Ken Coleman]

So I would say a healthy Michael Jordan, my hot take is a healthy Michael Jordan or a Michael Jordan who says, marriage is forever, till death do us part above all else. So I'm the richest guy, richest athlete in the world. The most famous athlete in the world. And I can get the best counselors. And I can also say to the Bulls, I'm not gonna play in the Olympics this year because. Or I say to the Olymp committee, I'm gonna go be with my wife.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm not gonna play golf. That's right. That's right.

[Ken Coleman]

So I, I agree that it's for what. But I also would say Michael Jordan represents one of the all time greats who had a burning desire because he was overlooked.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Ken Coleman]

So if we started off a conversation with Michael Jordan like we did with you, what drives you? Well, what drove Michael Jordan? Well, he's not talked a lot about his relationship with his father other than it was good. But then we don't know 100% what's going on. Here's a guy that's got a great gift, but he also has tremendous drive. Okay. Somewhere, though it didn't exist, Roy Williams, who is an assistant coach at North Carolina under Dean Smith, has said publicly he used to get on Jordan for not working hard enough in practice. Somewhere something changed. Because everybody who talks about the Bulls team said he outworked us all.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Ken Coleman]

All I'm saying is, is that we have to be able to bear the responsibility, the burden of this calling.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Ken Coleman]

Whatever that is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Ken Coleman]

If you want to be a stay at home mom, awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But ask the question, for what?

[Ken Coleman]

For what? If it's about the contribution.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go. If it's for glory, I'm gonna tell.

[Ken Coleman]

You, it must be about.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's gonna be a vapor.

[Ken Coleman]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If it. And that's what goes back to. I'm busier now, but I'm not in service to this nine year old boy who's still saying my loved am. I loved him. I loved.

[Ken Coleman]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

For the first time, after some good therapy and whatever. Like when my wife says, hey, yeah, I want you.

[Ken Coleman]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I believe her. Right. I believe God loves me. I believe my dad's proud of me. Even if he didn't say it in this magical kumbaya way that I wish he'd said it.

[Ken Coleman]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I believe he does. And so now I can work even more hard. I can go even, I can go further, I can go faster. Because it's in service to something bigger than me.

[Ken Coleman]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. Which is awesome.

[Ken Coleman]

That's right. All right, let's go back here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thank you. Early on, when you started your introduction, you used the word tools a couple times. Hammer, chisel. And then, you know, we got statistic 41% of the challenges people face in the workplace as leaders tell us what are the two most important tools that we can have in our bag with the understanding that we have the biggest impact on people who report to us as a leader. If you ever forget that everything you're doing is in service to a downstream customer and then, and you make it about you, your position, your title, you're standing with your supervisors, your shareholders, whatever. If you ever forget, we make pizzas so that because we want to make the best pizza, we make pizzas at a price that even a single mom who's just trying to figure out how to feed her kids can. We can put food on her table. If you ever forget that whatever it is you do, then the whole toolkit, it doesn't matter what you have in there because you're just, you're just swirling to the toilet bowl of your own ego. Everything's in service to you. So if you never forget, that's the thing that I think makes Dave Ramsey magic. I don't know any CEO of a multi hundred million dollar company that still sits with the front end consumer three hours every single day. If the CEO of Domino's Pizza did the lunch rush five days a week, that company would look different. So Dave talks to these people every day on the radio. And then we'll be in a meeting and I'll say something dumb like, well, I think that they will. And he's like, no, no, no, I talked to her yesterday. I heard it in her voice. And he's right a lot, right Ne maniacal about the truck driver who just has had enough with his life and he wants to change it, right? And so you can't forget that the two tools, I think when you're sitting down with your employees is a just learn the skill of listening. And don't immediately think that your team is dumb or wrong or somehow stupider than you. And they may not have the full picture. They may not have, you know, the full understanding of what's going on, but gosh, learn how to listen, man. And then the second thing is learn the skill of letting people do their jobs that you hired them to do. Like you hired me to, I don't know, be your jobs expert. When I come to you with stuff, don't fight me on it, right? I'm telling you, like, let me help you do the thing you hired me to do. And I think, yeah, I think that micromanagement is, burns people out. And I think the people feeling like nobody's listening to what I'M saying my expertise or my lived experience here at this job doesn't matter because they already made their decision though. I don't know, you might have more to that, Ken, than I do.

[Ken Coleman]

No, that's really great. It's a really hard question. I don't know how you just pick two tools, but I would say self awareness. I think that the epidemic of just kind of cluelessness of leaders, they're just unaware, not bad people. They're just unaware of what's going on with them and how they're affecting downstream. It's, you know, it's trickle down leadership. And it starts with self awareness would be a massive tool. And I think I agree with everything you said. I, you know, and other than that, this is based on Gallup. I mean, Gallup says that the three human needs that must be met, purpose and meaning at work, recognition for your unique contribution, and third, a relationship with their leader. So I'd lump those three things into do I have the right people in the right seat? That tool, the tool of self awareness and then awareness of your team. That would be. If I had to simplify to those two, that's what I would say. I loved your answer. One final question you mentioned earlier, and I'm glad you did because I wanted to get to it, because I see it in you when we talk at our desks, the anxiety guy, not labeling you, but this is, this is the world you're in. You're really concerned. I see it on you. When we talk about artificial intelligence.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, yeah.

[Ken Coleman]

And it's everywhere. There's in the headlines that is AI going to, you know, remove tons and tons of jobs, Is AI going to make us less human? Yada, yada, yada. Why are you so concerned about it? Or shall I say how.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Mine is much, much more existential than it is. Okay, I think we all got a. Everybody got a Real life case study on a Universal basic income. Okay, y'all stay at home. We're just gonna send you a check. They did that. And we all went mad because that's not how we're designed. That's like saying, hey, y'all quit going to the gym. We're just gonna give you muscles. And then you realize going to the gym was the whole point.

[Ken Coleman]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so, yes, the occasion that you need to lift something heavy, fine. There may come a day in your life when a car falls on a woman in a grocery store parking lot and you lift it up because you've been working out every day that probably will Never happen. Getting up and going to the gym every day makes you up. I mean, there's, there's neuroscience to that. It makes you able to do hard stuff throughout your life. So I think we got a ringside seat. So for me, yes, every couple of centuries, there's technology that comes along that uproots everything. Right. 150 years ago, we were all farmers, and then all of a sudden we're not right. The pace of how fast this is happening, I don't think we're. I don't think people understand the, how big the wave is coming. So it's fast, it's going fast. But bigger than that is we've seen what happens. And if every one of our things that makes us us, which is cleaning up, saying thank you, getting underneath the car and trying to fix it, like the stuff that makes us human, all that goes away and we are left to just be. The times in history when that's happened, it ends very poorly. And this is like something we've never seen. And so for me, it's more about we've created a world our bodies weren't designed to live in. And this is the exclamation point at the end of that sentence.

[Ken Coleman]

I think it's valid. And I don't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My wife vastly disagrees with me, so it's cool.

[Ken Coleman]

Well, I don't know if I disagree, but I wonder. Sure, I think it's a valid take. I could see that happening, but I wonder if it will only increase.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It could, yes.

[Ken Coleman]

It could increase our need for humanness. And so AI ends up, instead of being this great thief of our humanness, becomes the thing that an amplifier amplifies it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So can I.

[Ken Coleman]

Now that's in your everyday life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Ken Coleman]

You can't say that and not say this, but I am really scared about world war because now all of a sudden, anybody from there, it becomes a lot easier to create a war because there's no human capital when you start getting robots shooting each other.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right, right.

[Ken Coleman]

We could be collateral damage. That part. And I'm not trying to be dark. That concerns me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I think, I think. So let's go back to 100%.

[Ken Coleman]

I tend to side with Sheila. I think it's going to actually make us. In fact, I think the human centric jobs will get paid more than ever.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I think it's. How many of those will be left? So we go back to 150 years ago. We all farmed, and I'm making that number up. I don't know how 100 years ago, 200 years ago, we were all farming. And then tractors showed up. And because of that tech, they didn't need us to do that. So right now, what is it? 3% of the US farms some minuscule number now, after 150 years, we all work with our minds. That's what we do. We get paid for our opinions, our thoughts, coming up with the business plan, coaching people, diagnosing people. That's what we get paid to do. And if we've just come up with a new tractor, that can answer any question you have. Faster than any of us, more accurately. Already, the AI in my field can diagnose a mental health disorder, psychiatric disorder, can do mental, I mean, can do physical diagnostics better. They can scan you, there's retinal. I mean, it's coming so fast.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah, but they cannot sit with you knee to knee.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's it, that's it, that's it.

[Ken Coleman]

Pull the string.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's it.

[Ken Coleman]

That unpacks a wound that's 30 years old.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can you put a hand on somebody and say, I see you? Yeah, that's it. So will there be a moment when 3 or 5% of us are paid to think of their minds? And what's the next iteration? And my wife thinks, I think she's right, is human care right? Who's going to sit with the aging population that we're about to get hit with? Right. As this generation ages up, who's going to be with that group? And so there's that sense of, but can I. Here's, let's put a bow in this whole thing. As a young, insecure kid, the way I dealt with my insecurity, all like growing up, is homeostasis. I'm going to control every variable in my life. I'm going to keep everything the same. And so what I've learned about myself is change makes me like my wife craves change. She loves it. It's a gift. It's a season. It's the springtime. Then the flowers start blooming. For me it's, we gotta get all the summer clothes out, man. We gotta put all these jackets away. I love these jackets. What are we gonna. Right? How hot's it gonna be this year?

[Ken Coleman]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I know the angst, the existential angst is inside of me. And so that's the only thing I can control here. And so it's, for me now it's fun to pontificate. I don't know if it's true or not, but when the deep seek thing Dropped. The other day I heard Meta was caught totally off guard. And that actually freed me, like, oh, if the guys in the space didn't know this was coming, what am I gonna do sitting here on my little acreage outside of town? Like me, I don't know. And so any worry or existential angst I put on it right now is a choice to be miserable in the present. That's a stupid thing to do. Oh, so that makes sense.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah, absolutely. I, I think of scripture and, you know, very clear, the admonition is today has enough worry of its own.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's a problem for future John.

[Ken Coleman]

Do not worry about tomorrow. You got to be present and learning to be where you are. And I think that's absolutely great. Well, folks, I started off the conversation as we do every time, reminding you that one conversation, one question has the ability to open up our minds, open up opportunities to allow us to learn, to grow, to do. And I took so much from this today, but I wrote it down earlier. When you see me scribbling, that's the big thing, the thing I'm going to work on the next week, the next two weeks, and I'm challenging you to consider how you could use. This was when John said, be the first. So I wrote down on my notes, be the first to be friendly. It's so important that we, as humans, we were just talking about AI and our humanness. But my life is going to be better because of the quality of the relationships in my life. And so no matter where I am, no matter what role I'm playing, if I can always have the mindset to be the first, just to be human, I think that's going to make me better and hopefully the people that I get to do life with better. So you do what you want with that. But that's what I'm working on this week. Hey, if you enjoy this episode and you would like to join us in studio for a live recording, check out the link in the show notes for up to date info on guests, dates and opportunities. Well, friends, I know I'm better for hanging out with my pal. I'm glad you got to hang out with my pal. But let's all thank Dr. John Deloney. Thank you, man.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Appreciate.