Caller: “Can I Win My Wife Back?”

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show
Episode: Caller: “Can I Win My Wife Back?”
Date: July 13, 2026 | Host: Dr. John Delony | Network: Ramsey Network

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Episode Overview

This episode tackles high-stakes moments in real relationships with Dr. John Delony coaching callers through major life transitions—separation, marital strain from work travel, and becoming a stay-at-home parent for the first time. The central theme running through the episode is intentionality and vulnerability in relationships: showing up authentically and fighting for the connection you want with your spouse and family, even when it’s difficult or daunting.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. Can I Win My Wife Back? (Caller 1: Ira from Portland, OR)

[00:05–14:39]

Background

• Ira and his wife are separated; they're leaning toward divorce.
• He wants to maintain a positive relationship for their two young daughters and wonders if he should give space or directly pursue reconciliation.

Dr. John Delony’s Core Advice

• Fight for the Marriage, Don’t Drift Out:
  If there’s any chance left, be bold—don’t just wait for the other person to decide.
• Get Vulnerable and Specific:
  Own your shortcomings. Ask your spouse direct questions about what needs to change and how you can love better.
• Don't Use Children as a Proxy:
  If fighting for the marriage, do it for the relationship itself—not just for the kids.
• The Power of Remorse and Redemption:
  Taking radical responsibility can transform a marriage, providing a powerful example for your children.

Practical Steps Suggested

• Have a direct conversation, acknowledge mistakes, and express commitment.
• Ask two key questions:
  1. “How do you want this home to feel?”
  2. “Will you love me enough to give me a roadmap on how to love you best?”
• Both partners will need to give and receive guidance over time.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• Take Action Now:

  “Is now the time for space and silence? Is now the time for you to go knock on that door...and say, 'I’ve let you and the girls down, and from this point forward I will fight for you till the end of time.'”
  —Dr. John Delony [06:15]

• Own Your Part:

  “You go scorched earth on the man in the mirror.”
  —Dr. John Delony [06:28]

• A Reality Check:

  “Nothing is inevitable until somebody signs the paper.”
  —Dr. John Delony [13:06]

• Failing Forward:

  “If she still chooses to leave, at least you did not stand on the sidelines.”
  —Dr. John Delony [07:37]

Emotional High

• Dr. Delony invites Ira and his wife to his marriage event as VIP guests if they decide to rebuild, showing both hope and practical support [14:05–14:22].

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2. Staying Connected with Your Spouse During Long Work Absences (Caller 2: Isaac from Colorado Springs, CO)

[18:26–36:50]

Background

• Isaac travels for work 5 days a week, struggles with intimacy and feeling disconnected, but wants to honor his commitment as a Christian (no sexual outlet outside the marriage).

Dr. John Delony’s Core Advice

• Address the Whole System, Not Just Symptoms:
  The deeper issue may not be just sexual frustration—but a lack of energy, emotional depletion, and absence from family.
• Nourish Yourself First:

  “You can’t be taking care of her needs if you don’t have anything to give… otherwise it’s just performative.” [23:50]

• Be Honest and Creative:
  Find new ways to connect throughout the week—flirt, FaceTime, get creative about maintaining intimacy from a distance.

Key Topics

• Difference between tactical (structure/goals for marriage) and existential (the life you actually want)
• The myth that financial prosperity can compensate for emotional/familial absence.
• Guilt and identity: recognizing when sacrifices for money are out of alignment with core family values.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On the Cost of Absence:

  “Kids are going to be better off with two working parents that have dinner on the table as often as they can than a stay-at-home parent and a completely absentee [parent].”
  —Dr. John Delony [28:54]

• On the Warning Signs:

  “I wonder if your sexual challenges are not the actual issue… they’re the light on the dashboard telling you that something under the hood isn’t good.”
  —Dr. John Delony [31:45]

• Legacy:

  “Do you want to have worked really hard to buy a house you never get to live in?”
  —Dr. John Delony [27:51]

Practical Suggestions

• Plan a specific timeline for the demanding season; don’t let it become indefinite.
• Communicate honestly with your spouse about what you need for connection.
• Reimagine your family’s vision together.

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3. Facing Motherhood & Identity Shifts as a New Stay-at-Home Mom (Caller 3: Anne from Louisville, KY)

[37:40–55:37]

Background

• Anne, pregnant and soon to transition from a professional career to staying home with her first child, expresses anxiety about identity, social connection, and changing marriage dynamics.

Dr. John Delony’s Core Advice

• Acknowledge: Your Old Marriage is Over, Build the New One Together:
  Have proactively planned conversations about the kind of marriage and life you want post-baby.
• Plan for the Unknown:
  Add “blank space” on your to-do lists for chaos, surprises, and exhaustion—hold expectations “open handed.”
• Social Connection is Essential:
  Fight isolation aggressively; create community with other moms—even if the house (or you!) aren’t perfect.
• Identity is Fluid:
  You may not love being at home—you’re allowed to adapt and change plans later. Guilt is normal, but shame is unnecessary.

Practical Rituals

• Schedule regular “how are we doing” check-ins with your spouse—daily, weekly, monthly.
• Create a text group with moms a few years ahead in the journey for quick, judgment-free advice instead of late-night Google searches.
• Invite others, break perfectionist habits, allow messes—prioritize connection over presentation.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Embracing Change Together:

  “The marriage we had is over. What do we want to build next?”
  —Dr. John Delony [41:13]

• On Letting Go:

  “If your identity is tied up in crossing things off the list... an unwieldy infant throws your schedule and your identity to the wind.”
  —Dr. John Delony [43:27]

• On Female Isolation:

  “Fight back on this insane notion that stay at home moms are supposed to stay locked in a box with an infant human alone forever. That’s madness. It’s never happened in human history until 1950.”
  —Dr. John Delony [49:14]

• Permission to Change:

  “You may stay at home for three months and realize this is not for you. And A, that’s okay… You’ve never done this before. So everything you’re heading into is a theory.”
  —Dr. John Delony [51:02]

• Guiding Words:

  “Take two words with you from this call: Open handed. You get two months into a thing that’s not working—cool, we learned something. We’re going to do something different now.”
  —Dr. John Delony [53:26]

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Memorable Episode Moments

[14:39] — End of Caller 1
Dr. Delony is genuinely moved by Ira’s determined, vulnerable stance:

“Fight for your marriages until you’re looking at the paper with your spouse’s signature on it saying, ‘I’m done.’ You get to pick what tomorrow looks like.”

[23:50] — Caller 2 (Isaac), on not being able to “flip the switch” after work trips:
Dr. Delony compassionately reframes the guilt and exhaustion, emphasizing that caring for oneself is not laziness or failure, but a necessity to show up for others.

[49:14] — Advice to New Moms:
“Have a house full of women all the time. Sign up for stuff. Go to stuff… The more people you can have over, [the better].”
This challenges the modern myth of isolated, exhausted motherhood.

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Episode Summary Table

| Caller | Topic | Core Insight/Advice | Notable Quote & Timestamp | |-----------------|-----------------------------------------------|-------------------------------------|-----------------------------------| | Ira (Portland) | Reconciling with wife, post-separation | Be bold & vulnerable; fight for love| “Go freaking get her.” [11:04] | | Isaac (Colorado Springs) | Work travel, marital disconnection | Reimagine family priorities, invest in self-care | “You can’t pour from an empty pitcher.” [23:50] | | Anne (Louisville) | Motherhood, stay-at-home transition | Hold expectations open-handed, fight isolation | “The marriage we had is over. What do we want to build next?” [41:13] |

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Takeaway

This episode is a masterclass in intentional relationship work: Whether you're facing a marriage on the brink, burnout from trying to provide, or a seismic life change like motherhood, the show offers practical, heartfelt guidance to fight for what matters—with courage, humility, and connection.

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Resource Offers (Non-Advertisement)

• Ira is offered free tickets to Dr. Delony’s Money & Marriage event if he reconciles with his wife [14:05].
• Anne is gifted a year of the “Together” app to strengthen her marriage during the new-baby phase [55:37].

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Listen for These Segments

• [06:15] – Dr. Delony’s “movie moment” call to action for Ira.
• [23:50] – The “empty pitcher” metaphor and turning point for Isaac.
• [41:13] – Dr. Delony’s roadmap for post-baby marriage transformation.
• [49:14] – The history lesson and rallying cry against new-mom isolation.
• [53:26] – The call to “open handed” living and adaptation.

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Tone & Style

Dr. Delony’s advice is direct, affirming, and sprinkled with warmth and humor. He speaks conversationally, meeting callers where they are while gently nudging them toward growth—never losing sight of the possibility of redemption, connection, and joy.

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For anyone at a turning point in relationships or family life, this episode is packed with insight, empathy, and tactical next steps.

Transcript

[Caller 1]

How do I maintain a positive relationship with my spouse after a divorce? We're separated right now and it's leaning that direction.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So is now the time for space and silence? Is now the time for you to go knock on that door?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, I don't want my wife to leave and I don't want to leave her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Then go freaking get her. What's going on? This is John with a Dr. John DeLoney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee. I'm live right now, but you're not hearing us live. But we can pretend. We can pretend this is live. Taking real calls from real people about your mental and emotional health, your families, your marriages, whatever you got going on, your kids. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes and it will send you out to a form and it will go to Kelly, our overlord, and she will see if you can get, she can get you on the show. So got to Portland, Oregon. Talk to Ira. What's up, Ira?

[Caller 1]

Well, good morning.

[Caller 2]

Thanks for taking my call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thanks for calling. Dude, what's going on, man?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, not much.

[Caller 2]

Let's see.

[Caller 1]

So I have a question. How do I maintain a positive relationship with my spouse after a divorce?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I guess it depends on the nature of your ability to be emotionally regulated.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's a really nerdy way of saying, can you all be adults?

[Caller 2]

That's fair. That's fair.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, we, we have two kids, so we want to make sure that, you know, we're doing the right thing. We're separated right now and it's leaning that direction. So I'm just most concerned about making sure that through the process of, of the divorce, if it occurs and afterwards that we're just being adults around our kids, making sure that they have the. In life and make sure that those, those kids are, you know, happy, healthy and keep moving on in life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So that the hard truth is the data tells me that for the best way to have those things be successful is that you. And are you married to, Is it, what is it a wife?

[Caller 1]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That you and your wife get together and scorched earth your old marriage and build an amazing new one. Tell me more for the, for all those things you rattled off. That's, that's, that's what the data says would be the greatest gift to your kids. Second would be co parenting as good as you can. Yeah, but it's a distance, right? So tell me, tell me like you guys got separated. What's going on?

[Caller 2]

Well, it's been.

[Caller 1]

Situation where it's Been a rough couple years, and I'm sure we're in a messy middle of having kids that are, you know, between, you know, both under 10 years old.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, we've kind of.

[Caller 2]

Ye.

[Caller 1]

Exactly. And we both work full time. We've been a little bit more emotionally distant than I'd like to admit over the last. Probably year, year and a half, it looks like we went to a therapist recently. We had this great conversation, but it also kind of unveiled that she's been having this building issue for over a year. And I completely understand it. Like, I'm not a perfect person. I get it. And I'm still open to keep the relationship going. I also have enough context clues to feel like I know where she's going. So right now, I'm giving her the time and space to kind of really feel this out, make sure it's the right decision, and make sure that whatever way it goes, I feel like I've done my best from this point forward. I'm started. You know, we've just kind of. My tone is not the best with our girls. And I'll be the first to admit that I'm starting parenting classes. I see a therapist. I'm working on it. Some of our parenting manners are a little bit different. She's a lot more outgoing. She's a lot more successful than me, and I'm a huge fan of hers. I'm, like, totally. Like, I'm her number one fan. But I've also realized that her not making me a priority over a period of time has really drained me. And I've realized that recently due to the fact that I'm putting a lot of energy into her, and it's not coming back and showing up in negative ways. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so the way you describe. I've got a couple of thoughts here. I'll start with this one. The way you describe that is a very common. The word I use is a dance. She feels like she enters into a man's space who she feels borderline apologetic for how successful she is. And he gets grumpy. He gets sharp. He talks to my daughters in a way. Right. And when you start thinking that way, and then it slowly becomes us versus each other. And then you are trying to connect in the ways that you like to connect, which may be physical connection, which may be. Don't you think my jokes are funny? We're not having sex anymore, whatever those things are. And that becomes almost repellent because emotionally, you're not a safe person to be around. And it just Goes in a figure eight, right?

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so the things that you want are in direct oppositions to the things that she want at the time that you both want them. And it becomes like putting two north ends of a magnet together. It shoots itself apart. What I'm concerned about with you is it seems like she's given you a really clear picture. I'm wondering. And again, I'm throwing some up against the wall here, so if y' all talked about it and created a really firm plan with a therapist. Throw off what I'm about to say. But I'm wondering if you. Your instinct to provide space and give her time to think is the exact wrong path. And instead, I. I mean, I'm. Gosh, I hate to do this because I'm. I. I'm so repulsed by them. Usually I'm not repulsed by them. I think they're so fun, but in terms of. They're not good models for how a normal life works. But I'm thinking of, like, a John Hughes, like, you out, like. Like you're John C. I'm thinking of, is now the time for space and silence? Is now the time for you to go knock on that door and you drop down to one knee and say, I've let you and the girls down, and from this point forward, I will fight for you till the end of time.

[Caller 1]

I love that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you go scorched earth on the man in the mirror. Because I'm. I'm telling you, brother, like, the thing that changed my house was when my wife. I mean, it was a long conversation, and I've mentioned on the show a few times, but, dude, I was doing everything I possibly could. And when she said, oh, no, no, no, you're a good. You're as good a dad as I've ever seen, but you have a nuclear reactor in the middle of your chest, and we can all feel it. I literally went into a therapist. She was a colleague of mine. And I said, evidently, there's something else wrong with me. And, dude, we talked. And months later, I started talking about stuff that happened to me as a kid that I had never told anybody, but it unwound it. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, but that took my wife saying, like, no, I love you, but here's a path, man. And it feels like she's giving you a path. Over the last year, this has happened, and this has happened, and this has happened. And you're like, well, I guess I'll give you some space to see if this is what you want to Do I? I like the idea of you going out on your. On your shield.

[Caller 1]

I like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because at least if she chooses to leave you and says, nope, I, I want to file for divorce. We'll be adults about how we're gonna. I want you not to have said, man, I stood on the sidelines and let her kind of do her thing. I want you to know I went to the moon to try to get her and that brother. Like, that's you not hedging your bets. Because if you do that and she still leaves, that's going to hurt bad. Yeah, but that's you putting both feet in the boat, saying, no, no, I'm gonna keep rowing. If you want to jump out of this boat, that's okay. Now that may. If y'.

[Caller 1]

All.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Again, if y' all have agreed on this and she doesn't feel safe and she said, I need space, then disregard what I'm saying. But if you're just trying to stay neutral in this deal. This is not the time for neutrality. This is a time for you to go get your wife.

[Caller 1]

I love that. Yeah, she doesn't feel unsafe. So that's a good thing. Yeah, there's nothing like that. There's no nothing in that world, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But listen, it can't. There's a weird man. We could talk forever about anthropology and evolution and blah, blah, blah. Here's the thing for most men. And again, I'm over gendering this, and I know that, so relax, Internets. But most men just. If you went to lunch with a bunch of dudes today and you were like, hey, guys, can I, like, can I tell you what's going on in my heart? You would never get back asked back to that lunch again. If y' all are doing. If these are a group of guys that y', all, you work hard with on a regular basis and y' all do stuff together, and then one day when y' all are digging a hole or y' all working on project, you're like, man, my marriage is falling apart because y' all did something together. Y' all were doing something together towards a common goal that bought you permission to be emotionally vulnerable with these guys. And the complete opposite things happens often with women. For all of human history, if a woman got pregnant, it meant she might die. And at best case scenario, she lives and she has to keep this, a new human alive for 20 years. And so she had to know socially, emotionally, is this person going to be here before I let them into my body and potentially alter my life's trajectory? Safety wise, death and keeping a kid alive. And what I mean by that is for most. I don't see most. For many men and many women, men need physicality to buy permission to be emotionally close. And women need emotional closeness to buy permission for physical intimacy. And they blow by each other. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We're trying to solve connection. And I need this so that I can feel. I want this so I can feel safe enough to be, like, intimate emotionally. And I want this so that I can be emotionally, I mean, physically intimate here. And everybody misses each other, so one person has to go first. And I'm. You called me, so I'm saying go take a knee at the Airbnb where she's staying and say, I've let you down and I'm in. And I will fight to the end for this marriage. I'll fight to the end for you. And if you couch it in because of the girls and all this, then she becomes a proxy so that your girls are okay. She needs to be the sole reason.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, I don't want my wife to leave and I don't want to leave her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Then go freaking get her, man.

[Caller 1]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying?

[Caller 1]

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And let her. One question I want you to ask her when you're talking with her are two questions. Number one, honey, how do you want this home to feel every day when I get home? I want you to be happy that I'm here. What must be true. And it might be as simple as I want you to be in a good mood. I want you to be happy that you're here. I want, like, we have two young kids. The house is going to be chaotic. I don't want the chaos. I don't want stuff on the floor. I don't want piles. I don't want backpacks. I don't want that to throw you off, man. You're the dad. And if those things do throw you off, then, like, dude, I'm going to go see the counselor and be like, why do little things make me feel out of control? And you're probably going to have to deal with control issues, which is probably why you got anger issues. You see what I'm saying?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm making something up here just off top of my head, but. And then the second question I want you to ask her is, will you love me enough to give me a roadmap on how I can best love you? And I will follow that map

[Caller 2]

and

[Dr. John DeLoney]

in a few weeks, I'M going to give you a roadmap back to me because your wife has a role to play here, too.

[Caller 2]

Okay. All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you in?

[Caller 2]

I'll do that.

[Caller 1]

I'm a dude. I'm in. I'm 100% in.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is like your hell yeah moment, dude.

[Caller 1]

All right, I'm gonna go kick a door and. Well, not, you know, proverbially in Portland.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're gonna go to jail, brother. So don't do that. Go ask the mailman for a consent form to knock on the door. Yeah, I will.

[Caller 1]

I'll go do that. I'll have to fill out a couple forms. I'll do that. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then they're gonna take 19 months to get it through the government councils or whatever. No, dude. Stand outside the front yard with a radio and say, I'm. I'm not going down that fight. I love you and I love us. And here's the thing, brother. Y' all get to choose what tomorrow looks like. Nothing is inevitable until somebody signs the paper.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, that makes sense, right?

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If she comes back in a few weeks or a few months or tonight and says, I've already made up my mind, I promise you I'll get you back on the show and I'll walk you through how two people can co parent well together.

[Caller 1]

Well, thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Something in my guts tells me that's not your story.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Something in my guts tells me your daughters are going to have a ringside seat to what happens when two people recommit themselves to each other. They say the words, I'm sorry. Your kids will have a picture of what redemption looks like, which will end up being the greatest gift you could ever give them.

[Caller 1]

I'll do my best.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no, no. There is. What is it Yoda say? There is no try. We're gonna go get it.

[Caller 1]

You do not. Yeah, okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Go get her.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And please God, man. Like, I say this all the time, but let me know how it goes and if your wife wants to call me, I'm all in.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here's this. I'll even one up because I believe you. I actually believe you're gonna go knock on that door and say, I said till death do us part. I'm all in. And I've let you down. If you're in and you all decide to rebuild, I'll give you two free tickets to my money and marriage event in October.

[Caller 2]

Oh, well, thank you so much.

[Caller 1]

I appreciate that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, you'll be. You and your wife will be my VIP guest. John, come. I'LL give you a whole roadmap. I'm in. I'm in if you are. Okay.

[Caller 2]

Yeah. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, brother, it's been a high honor to talk to you as well.

[Caller 1]

Thank you so much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Go get her, man. Appreciate you, brother.

[Caller 1]

All right, well, all right, bye.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We come back a man. I gotta stop. That guy's awesome. That guy's awesome.

[Kelly]

Yeah, we're all like. It's rare that we're all in here. Like, oh, yay. Great. We like this guy that we don't get a lot of uplifting. That was great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Go get him. Go get her. Fight for your marriages, y'.

[Kelly]

All.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Fight for your marriages until the you're looking at the paper with your spouse's signature on it saying, I'm done. Fight for your marriage, man. You get to pick what tomorrow looks like. Both of y' all do. And you get to pick who you are going to be rebuilding this thing. God, it's awesome. We come back, a man asks how to handle sexual desire and stay connected to his wife when work keeps them apart. All right, this makes me nuts. But our culture has made being exhausted something to be proud of. People brag about how busy they are, how little sleep they get, and how exhausted they always feel. Being tired is not a flex. You know what's a flex? Getting good sleep and good sleep starts with a great mattress. And that's why I love mattresses from Helix Sleep. Helix is not just a show sponsor for me. My kids sleep on Helix. Even my extended family members and friends sleep on Helix. They all sleep on Helix mattresses. I sleep on one. I won't shut up about them. Imagine if the people who made your pants just made one pair of pants for everyone. Same with mattresses. So many mattress companies just make one mattress and they're like, this is for everybody. Helix doesn't do that. They build mattresses just for you and for just how you sleep. Here's what I want you to do. Get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz. It takes less than two minutes, and Helix will match you with the right mattress from more than 20 different models designed for different sleep styles. If you're a hot sleeper during these summer months, they've got you with cooling upgrades. Go to helixsleep.com DeLoney for their best of web offer and you'll get the biggest savings available right now. 27% off site wide. That's 27% off. Exclusively for my [e-mail] Deloney with the Helix better sleep starts right now. Hey, it's Deloney for Hallow. What could you accomplish in 90 days? You could get in shape. You could lose some weight. You could change your marriage, you could play games with your kids and change your relationship with them. Listen, you can do a lot in 90 days. You could also change the peace in your chest and the peace in your home. This is why I want you to try Hallow. Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world. And it's one of the most important things I do to start almost every single day of my life. Anchoring myself in my faith helps me slow down and prioritize what actually matters. And Hallow will give you 90 days for free to do the same. You can build a habit of reflection and prayer in 90 days. Hallow is simple and guided and it meets you where you are. It helps you anchor your faith. Practice with daily reflections, scripture, music, special series and more. And listen, all of this will give you peace. Ask yourself, who do you want to be 90 days from now? If you want more peace or you want to be more grounded in your faith or you want to even learn about what this faith thing is, give Hallow a try. You can try hallow for free for 90 [e-mail] DeLoney that's three months for [e-mail] DeLoney all right, let's go out to Colorado Springs, Colorado and talk to Isaac. What's up, Isaac?

[Caller 2]

Hey, how's it going, Dr. John?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Doing great, man.

[Kelly]

How are you?

[Caller 2]

I'm doing pretty good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Excellent. What's up?

[Caller 2]

So I just wanted to see if you had some advice for me because, you know, I'm the problem here. I'm trying to figure out how to work my life. You know, how it goes. My wife's great. Just clarify. She's fantastic.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why do you.

[Caller 2]

Why do you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't even know what's going on. Why do you think you're the problem?

[Caller 2]

Just because. So I'm away from with work. And what does that mean?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like you work during the day, you travel a lot. What does that mean?

[Caller 2]

Yeah, so I fly to like California weekly. So I'm gone, you know, Monday, 4am I'm gone. I get home Friday after midnight, basically.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dang, Gina. How long has this been going on?

[Caller 2]

About two years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is this indefinite?

[Caller 2]

I'm working towards a work from home position with the same company. But you know, I got to do the grunt work to begin with for a few years, if you know what I mean.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, for sure. I'm still doing grunt work for Kelly. Totally get that. Okay, so, okay, walk me through what's, what's going on.

[Caller 2]

So the issue I'm having is I'm a Christian, so I believe that I'm not supposed to do anything sexually except for with my wife. You know, nothing online, you know, explicit. Like, it's totally shut down. Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So you should stay away from pornography.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, okay. Away from pornography in any way of, you know, movies, tv, all that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Cool.

[Caller 2]

So when I'm away from my wife, I have like, strong feelings to, like, wanting to be with her. And kind of my coping mechanism so far has been I shut down during the week, I don't think about it, I don't go there. But then when I come back home, you know, my wife's ready, she wants to do stuff. You know, I've been gone all week and I'm having a hard time, like, flipping that switch back on quickly. And because I only have two days, you know, it kind of affects things. So that's kind of the issue I'm struggling with, is how do I stay pure but also, like, when I come home, like, be ready to, like, you know, do stuff with my wife and take care of her needs that she's been lacking throughout the week.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know, you've, you've got needs too, man. I, I, I guess everybody has to make decisions for themselves. Okay, my question is, is flipping the off switch the most effective thing? Meaning are there, are there ways y' all can flirt? Are there ways you can talk? Are there ways y' all can FaceTime? Are there ways you can keep connected to each other? Keep the fire cooking so that when you get home, it's game on? Right? You get what I'm saying? Like how, how, how creative? And by the way, this can be. Some of the most fun a couple can have is we have three kids under the age of six. We have in laws who have moved in with us. We, how creative can we get? And often the creativity leads to play, which leads to fun, which leads to a injection of life into a couple sex life. You hear what I'm saying?

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so, like, what does creativity look like? You sit down with her and have this conversation. I would also wonder in this, how old are you, brother?

[Caller 2]

I'm 28.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Often physiological things get blamed on emotional things. And here's what I mean by that. If you're been doing this for two years, getting up at 4am on Monday, flying to another town, working all day every day, getting up, grinding it out and then flying back, your body is exhausted, you Got time zone changes, you've got work changes. You are context switching pretty significantly from a work environment a go, go, go, go, go, to now I have to put on a different hat. Be a husband, be connected, be emotionally intimate to somebody that I'm only spending two days a week with. That's a lot on your body. And for men, there's often not a psychology. We've all been trained since we were zero. That all guys want is sex all the time. And then you have a willing participant. You have a wife who's like, I can't wait till you get home. I'm gonna. We're gonna. I'm gonna rock your world, boy. And you're like, dude, I need to sleep. Tired. And then you begin to think something's wrong with me. Is there any possibility that's the case?

[Caller 2]

Yeah. Yeah, I think that's exactly what's happening. It's just, you know, I just. I don't know how to. To deal with that, to make sure that she's well taken care of. And that's kind of what I'm struggling with.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So. This is gonna sound crazy, but the greatest gift you could give to her is that you show up whole. So what must be true about your physical health while you're out of town? Can you get sleep? Can you go to the gym? Can you make a commitment to eat right? Can you take care of yourself so that you're fully whole? Like, you can't be taking care of her needs.

[Kelly]

If.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you don't have anything to give, then it becomes two days of performative interaction, and then y' all have a transactional relationship. You don't have a marriage.

[Caller 2]

That's the last thing I want.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Exactly. You get home, and you have yet another job to do before you get back on a plane to go do your other job.

[Caller 2]

Damn.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the bigger question I would ask you is, you said you're trying to work towards a particular position that may or may not be there. Is this the life? Forget the job for a second, man. A job is a thing that helps us get the life we want. We don't build our life around a job. And so ask yourself, is this the life I want? And in my 20s, when I was in graduate school and I was working full time, and I was getting a PhD and I was running around with cops in the middle of the night, like, doing crazy stuff, I was working towards a thing, right? So there was a sacrifice, but I knew where I was headed with it. I had no idea I was going to end up in this crazy life. But I. I knew what I wanted to go do, and I knew I needed to cram as much experience and academic knowledge and professional experience all at once. I knew that. But it was towards a thing. It doesn't sound like you have an anchor. It doesn't sound like you have a reason. Hey, we're gonna do for two years. I'm gonna. We're gonna be a part five freaking days a week. That's a long time. So that in year three, we get X, Y or Z. Because my fear for you is you're gonna look up and you're going to spend seven years like this

[Caller 2]

and you're

[Dr. John DeLoney]

going to be 34 and you're going to be like, dude, what happened to our life? You get what I'm saying?

[Caller 2]

Maybe I need to have more structure and figure out exactly the plan. And obviously life happens and the plan changes, but at least then I have a plan to alter.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I. I don't think it starts with. Structure is very important, but structure towards a thing. So most people put structure around a goal and they end up losing their life, the life they wanted to live, because they had to meet this goal. Like, I had an. I had an obsession with making x dollar amount by the time I turned 30. It was a pathological obsession.

[Caller 2]

And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I. I hit that number. I think one year later, maybe two years later, I was working full time and getting a PhD and I think I was teaching classes at two or three different universities. Like, I was doing all this crazy stuff. I lost the life that I wanted, that I thought that dollar amount would give me in pursuit of that number. I hear this a lot from folks like, I'm going to run a marathon this year. That's awesome. Great. Run four of them. That's awesome. But they end up with their marriages further apart. Their health is actually worse, and their kids don't know them. Because I'm going to hit this goal. And I want goals to be in service to a life that you actually want. So I want you to. Before you start going through structure, I want you to ask yourself, dude, what kind of marriage do I want? What kind of life do we want? What kind of guy do I want to be inside of this marriage I've got? And then we're going to start talking about what kind of job do I need to get? And if y' all are broke, if you have debts to pay off, if you're in a season, then you. Those kind of questions are luxury questions. I don't have the Luxury to ask that. I'm working three jobs, minimum wage. I'm trying to scratch and claw to keep the lights on at my house. That's awesome. And noble. Doesn't sound like that's where you're at.

[Caller 2]

Thankfully we're in baby steps four, five and six.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, so for people who don't know that, like you don't, you don't know any, you don't owe anybody any money, right? And you're working on, you have you bought a house? You'll have a house.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, we have a house and we're working on paying that off, but we're also investing in.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's great. That's awesome. So ask yourself, is this the career you want? Is this the life you want? Do you want to have worked really hard to not owe anybody any money and to buy a house that you don't ever get to live in? Because that life is pretty awful if you ask me.

[Caller 2]

It is. But it was a commitment that I made to try to build a better life for my family so that we could have, you know, a debt free life because I was working in the trades and I just wasn't getting paid enough to have a stay at home wife. It just wasn't reality. So I had to find a job that could pay me more. And the travel job pays great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but it's costing you sacrifices, it's costing your soul. I, I, I, I, I have no data to back up what I'm about to say, but I can almost guarantee you I'm right.

[Caller 2]

A

[Dr. John DeLoney]

kids are going to be better off with two working parents that have dinner on the table as often as they can than a stay at home parent and a completely absentee. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And dude, I'm, I'm. You've worked so hard the last few years to change the trajectory of your family's financial future. That is noble and that's good. I just don't think this, this doesn't sound like a long term solution for your family. Because what your family really needs is dad around. Is that fair? Tell me I'm crazy. I might be crazy.

[Caller 2]

No, you're not. My daughter begs me to stay home every time I leave and I, I

[Dr. John DeLoney]

want to be careful about giving a seven year old that kind of power. Right. But there's something about that. And dude, I will tell you, I went through years when the one thing I knew that I was not good at was I was a terrible, I, not terrible. I was good. But like I didn't know how to be a dad, and I didn't know how to be a husband to someone who is a mom. Now I just felt like I was doing everything wrong. But I knew the greatest gift. I. I thought the greatest gift, the story I made up for myself, was the greatest gift I could give my family is to not be here and make sure money's depositing in that account so they could have the life they want. It never occurred to me that what they really wanted was me. And I honestly did not have a psychology for that. I had to go learn what that meant and how to do it.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I just hate the idea of you. If you have to, you have to, man. And men for all of human history have been making major sacrifices so that their wives and kids are okay. And if y' all have to do it, brother, you have to do it. And it's going to come at an extreme cost. But sometimes nobility, doing the right thing comes at a huge cost. I get that. But if you're in a position now where we've cleared the deck financially, I'm going to start being really intentional about finding a place here in Colorado. Even if I have to drive down 25 to Denver and then come back, like, I'm going to see what's out there, because I'm. I. I don't know, man. I just. I. I wonder if. If the. Your sexual challenges in your marriage are just. Are not the actual issue. They're the, they're the light on the dashboard telling you that something under the hood isn't. Isn't good.

[Caller 2]

I've. I've heard that before, that, you know, sexual intimacy is the warning light of something else going wrong. But I've had so many conversations with my wife about things we can change and things we can do. And, like, you know, it's. It's great when we, you know, have phone calls throughout the week so that she feels emotionally connected, but that's just. I don't know. It doesn't do it for me as much, you know?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, then what would do it for you? Have you been honest about what would do it for you?

[Caller 2]

That's the hard part is, I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. That's where creativity and fun comes in.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, if you're like, dude, I want to learn how to play. I want to play basketball. I've never even dribbled. Okay, well, you can just sit on the sideline and watch people play and be like, man, I want to do that. Or I'm pick up a basketball and try to figure out how to dribble first. And I'm gonna figure out how to shoot, and it's gonna be hilarious because it's gonna be awful. And then I'm start playing. Like, I. It's. There's so much pressure gets put on this and so much existential weight that it loses the joy and the fun and the play and joy and fun and play are so connecting.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if you're in this for the next six months, in this for the next year, then, yeah, some structure is going to be important for you so that you show up. Like, I'm going to FaceTime my kids every night. I need that. I'm going to FaceTime my wife, and we're going to get weird. I'm going to exercise, I'm going to sleep, I'm going to eat, take care of my body while I'm gone. I'm going to come back 30 pounds lighter in seven months. Like, you get, like, all those things. You get to decide what those are. But you cannot go around filling up people's water in their water glass if your pitcher's empty. And if you do get home from a exhausting job Friday night and you just need to sleep till noon on Saturday, let's just put that on the calendar and don't beat yourself up about it. I'm wiped out. And then come noon on Saturdays, I'm up and I'm ready to go, both with the kids, both in the bedroom, whatever that looks like. But. We often get going in our life, and I think one of the most damaging sentences a person can utter, a couple can utter, is, this is just the way things are most of the time in the United States. That's not true. It's the way we've allowed them to. To be, not the way things are. And if you don't like the way things are, even if it comes at a big shift or a big change or a drastic shakeup or whatever, you get to choose what happens next. And so if you don't know what would light your fire back up. Just start trying stuff, have fun with it. And I don't know, it's my recommendation that just indefinitely being away from your wife and kids five days a week so that they have a house that they live in without you, man, that's a tough life. It's a tough life like you and your wife getting away for half day and just saying, hey, what kind of world do we want to build? I promise you, you could stay home, but, man, I'm Never home. I'd love it to reimagine that. We come back, A woman asks how to prepare for her first child and transition from a career to a stay at home mom. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Summer is a time when people escape. They escape from work. They escape from their schedules. Whether it's relaxing or going on vacation. Listen, we've all been sold a lie that if we could just get away from it all, everything would magically work itself out. But here's the thing. A vacation won't fix what you won't face. If you're anxious, burned out, struggling, these problems will be waiting for you when you get home from whatever vacation you take. This is why I recommend talking to someone. And this is why I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that fits into your life. You can talk with a licensed therapist by phone, video, or messaging from anywhere. No commuting, no sitting in a waiting room. Just a safe place to process what's actually going on in your life, wherever you happen to be. All of Better Helps therapists follow a strict code of conduct and you can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the app. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. This summer, don't just escape. And don't ignore what's coming to the surface. Sometimes the strongest thing you can do is stop running from everything and start dealing with it. Go to betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10 off. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right. Hey, take one second. It's longer than one second, but I like to minimize time because time isn't real for me. That's what Kelly says all the time. Time's not real for you, John. Take two seconds and hit the subscribe button if you're watching on the YouTubes or if you're listening to this on podcast. And if one of these episodes, if it strikes a cord with you, with your spouse, with a friend, with a sister, with a family member brother, shoot them an episode. Share it. That just helps us with all of our metrics. And man, it's a. It didn't cost any money, but it's a way to really help out the show and help out your neighbor. Let's go to Louisville Loville, Kentucky. God help me. Not Louisville, Lo, Kentucky. And talk to Anne. What's up, Anne?

[Caller 3]

Hi. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. How are you?

[Caller 3]

Oh, pretty good. As Long as good as I can be on a rainy day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. For real. Very, very cool. It's been raining like crazy here in Nashville, but it's also. Man, my wife has these wild gardens and they are amazing right now, so I'll take it. So what's up?

[Caller 3]

Yeah, so I'll kind of jump into it. It's kind of funny. I'm making this call without my husband because we both love to listen to you separately and then compare notes on the episode. So we'll have a good. That's pretty fun evening.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's pretty cool.

[Caller 1]

That's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I like that.

[Caller 3]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Who thinks. Who thinks I'm right more, you or him?

[Caller 3]

I think it probably depends on the topic. Awesome. It's almost 50. 50, I'd say we're usually pretty close in agreeance, but every now and then you throw us a curveball.

[Kelly]

Awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Every once in a while I try to hit a batter, so that's good. All right. So what's up?

[Caller 3]

You know, it keeps it fun. Yeah. So later this month, like later this summer, next month, just a few weeks, we are going to be welcoming our first baby. First for both of us. So very exciting, very crazy time in our lives. So on top of having our first child, I will be transitioning to a stay at home mom after my maternity leave. And so I just kind of wanted to call in and see if you have any advice for us as we enter these new phases of not only our marriage, but our family dynamic.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Kelly]

Dude.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude. Thank you for the call.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, the fact that you're pre planning this is so wise. That's awesome. Are you a. Are you a list person?

[Caller 3]

What do you mean by that? A lift person.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like my wife, her love language is lists. And I can tell how stressed she's getting by how long her lists are. Or are you kind of just like a. Like a rip it and go kind of person?

[Caller 3]

Oh, man, I am so type A. I have a shared note app right now with him and it has a breakdown of our to do list by gestational.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Nice. All right.

[Caller 3]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I will speak to you in that language. All right, cool. I was trying to find out whether I should speak Spanish or French or English. And I will speak list language for you. Okay.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So here's what I want you and your husband to do in the next, like maybe this weekend if you'll have time. If you don't have 17 other things on that list already, which I know you do, but maybe you could move them to the next weekend here's what I want you to do. And I want this to be the funnest, exciting, not a drudgery thing at all. Okay?

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you all to get together, and I want you to go to a long breakfast together. And you've heard me say this a million times, but now I'm talking, not abstractly. I'm talking to you.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How long have y' all been married?

[Caller 3]

We are hitting our second marriage anniversary in September.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, dude. Okay. Y' all are running a gun. And how old are you?

[Caller 3]

Yeah, we are both 29.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, perfect. Awesome. Okay.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I want y'.

[Kelly]

All.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

One of you. And it'd be. Either one's fine. You called, so you get to say it. One of you say, you know what? And after this is over, we'll do some. I don't know. Kelly uses her. Does her Internet magic. Can we clip this and send it to him? Because I want him to get it before the baby's born so that way you and your husband can both listen to it. Okay.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I want one of you to say, the marriage we had is over. What do we want to build next? And here's the things I want you to think about. What are the things from your old marriage that you loved? Spontaneity planning, like the silly sex times you had or the serious love making? Like, what are the things that you want to bring forward into this new marriage? And yeah, what are some things that you're looking forward to letting go of? Okay, so that's number one. But somebody having the courage to say, okay, we're about to have a brand new marriage. We have never been married and had a newborn in the house. It's all new. So we're going to. And. And the beauty of this is we're building a thing we've never built before. And so we're going to give each other grace and we're going to always be practicing, which means we can be curious about it. We don't got to be judgmental about it. Okay.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The second thing is I want. When you make a list every day and every week and every month, I want you to begin adding a space for I have no idea what's going to be coming.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And leave four or five blanks and then put the. The next thing you want to get done because list.

[Caller 3]

I think that's kind of been a struggle for me is that jumping into the unknown. I've worked in the same career, you know, since I graduated college, and, you know, I've, you know, Obviously, we know our relationship. And it's like, wow, there's a lot of unknowns.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. And here's. Here's. Here's where you have a chance to bury yourself or a chance to get on top of the sand. Okay. If you're a person whose identity has been for the last 20 years, I will accomplish the things on this list with excellence. I get things done. Bringing an unwieldy infant human into the world throws not only your schedule and your lists out into the wind, but it throws your identity out into the wind.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because you don't know what kind of sleeper you're gonna have. You don't know what kind of colic you're gonna have. You don't know what kind of, like, diarrhea schedule. You have no idea if your kid will be able to feed as you. And so often, like, it's the. It's the judgment of the things that we thought were gonna happen. For instance.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's say you have spent your life rolling your eyes and I'm making this up completely. Okay. Rolling your eyes at the thought that a mother would buy formula for their baby.

[Caller 2]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then suddenly your baby won't latch

[Caller 1]

or

[Dr. John DeLoney]

you get impacted, and you have to have formula for a season because you can't breastfeed. The challenge is it also unwinds your identity. It also, you become one of those women you have judged over time, and it becomes unmooring. Who am I?

[Caller 2]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I want you to begin to be curious about those things and hold them really open handed because we have a way we want this all to go. And the only thing we know is it probably won't go like that. And if it does on this one, it for sure won't on the next one.

[Caller 3]

Yeah, I've heard.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So here's the thing. It's. It's. But you've never held your hands open before. You've always been so good and so accomplished and so smart at getting things done on your timeline or meeting somebody else's deadline that your hand has grabbed, like, really tight hold on the handle of that identity. And so I want you to practice letting it go. What does that mean? Maybe for the next month, until your baby's born, I want you to practice just once every two or three days. Not doing the dishes before you go to bed. You're like, I can't do that.

[Kelly]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to practice taking all the couch pillows and dumping them onto the floor before you go to bed.

[Caller 3]

Oh, man. Yeah. My husband's gonna get a good laugh

[Dr. John DeLoney]

out of this, but here's why. Because this is about to be your. The next four years of your life.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it will not be because you're not a great mom, not a great wife, not a great friend. It'll just. Because this is life now, and it's the. It's the gap between reality and what I thought my identity was. It ends up unwinding people. Okay, so here's another thing. If you don't have it already. A1, without a doubt. I want you to get a text thread with three other women who are a year or two or three ahead of you.

[Caller 2]

You.

[Caller 3]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to contact them personally and say, y' all are going to be my three or four ride or dies during. During this birth process over the next month and for the next year or two following. Because I don't want you Googling a rash at 2:00am when you haven't slept in five days.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you texting a friend,

[Caller 3]

Holly Bald, right now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Holly Baldrige. That's the name of a friend of me and my wife's. She was right down the street from Sarah Simpson. I'm. I'm naming the women that literally saved my wife because they already had young kids. And when I. My Hank got his first rash when he was an infant, I thought it was over. And I remember Holly coming over to the house, and she laughed, and she's like, oh, it's just this fine. And having them in, like, if for me, they were great, but having them for my wife, for people to text at 2am at 11pm that was so important for her to just have a small tribe. And your husband has to have men in his life that he can go at least once a week and hang out with. And you're going to be like, no, he needs to be here doing stuff. He does. But he also needs to not get disconnected from a gang, a group of men who are like, yep, yep, I can't kill style. Just like, yep. Past the nachos, right?

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then y' all get to decide as this thing unfolds once, once a day, how can I love you today? And you're going to commit to being honest with him. Here's what. Here's what I want today. Here's what I need today. And you're going to commit to how can I love you? And for the first six months, probably nothing, Right? And we're gonna do something every day. We're gonna check in with each other Every week we're gonna sit down and say, hey, how's our money? How's our marriage? How are you? How am I? How's our baby? And once a month we're just going to say, all right, we've never been married with a three month old. How are we doing? We're just gonna check in every day, every week and every month.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then we're gonna. And we're talking about money. We're going to talk about our sex life. We're going to talk about in laws who want to come be nosy and how long do they want to stay and who has to make the phone call to say yes or no. We're going to just be. Put all that on the table. And when you get into these rhythms, it gets easier. Big conversations don't become events because we already have these things on the calendar when we get together and talk about.

[Caller 3]

Mm.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, what. What am I missing? What are you else are you worried about?

[Caller 3]

I think you got a big portion of it. I am a little nervous about just the stay at home mom aspect and, like, how that changes life. And I am like miss Social Butterfly. Like, I. I love being out and talking. And so, like, part of this is, like, I feel a bit nervous about being socially.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's a nightmare.

[Caller 3]

Like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And fight it with everything you got. Fight it with everything you got.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Take your baby with you. Invite women over. Like, fight back on this insane notion that stay at home moms are supposed to stay locked in a box with an infant human alone forever. That's madness. It's never happened in all of human history until, like, 1950. It's insanity. For all of human history, women raised kids with cousins and nieces and weird aunts and neighbors. This whole idea that you're supposed to be exhausted and never sleep, whatever, that's never happened in all of human history.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Until 1950. So fight it with everything you got. Have a house full of women all the time. Sign up for stuff, go to stuff. And I know you've got nap time and all like, like routines. I get all that. Especially in the beginning. But the more people you can have over and again. Part of why I told you to mess the house up a little bit before you go to bed.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because I don't want friends coming over to become yet another performance for you.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where I gotta clean up, I gotta do this. If twice a week, three times a week, you had a group of moms over to have coffee. And the rule was no makeup, no clothes, and I'm not cleaning up anything. Now you're talking. Then your shoulders drop when they come over.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But fight it with everything.

[Caller 3]

That would definitely, like, challenge me for that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It will. It will. But you're gonna lose your spirit. If you circle the wagons and you emerge from your home in two years, you'll be a shell of your former self because you got to have other people in your life. And I know that sounds scary, doesn't it?

[Caller 3]

Yeah. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The loss of identity is a really big and powerful thing. And can I give you one more?

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You may stay at home for three months and realize this is not for you. And A, that's okay. And B, you're going to feel super guilty and see, your husband may feel like, well, I thought we had an agreement and I. We had always committed. You're going to be a stay at home mom. There might be grieving during that season, but you're not a bad person, you're not a bad wife, and you're not a bad mom. You've never done this before. So everything you're heading into is a theory.

[Caller 3]

And that's why I. I know. I'm okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, you go ahead. Go ahead.

[Caller 3]

Yeah. I'm kind of just using this as a break. I. I love my job for the most point, but it's hit me, like, at a burnout phase.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller 2]

Great.

[Caller 3]

And so I know that, like, regardless of post maternity leave, I don't want to come back to where I'm at because I don't like the person I am when I home on a bad day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Nice.

[Caller 3]

And those bad days are sometimes more often than I would like. I don't want to do that with a new baby.

[Caller 2]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller 3]

No. I work in corporately. I work in marketing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller 1]

Okay.

[Caller 3]

Which is a whole.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Gotcha. You don't have to say anything else. So here's a fun part of the exercise with what kind of marriage do we want? Ask yourself, who do we want to be? And then we're going to create a structure around that identity. Question. I want to be a. A mom and a wife. That is still fun.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That is still out and about. That has people over all the time. Okay. What must be true. Oh, man. I gotta get a full night's sleep. I've got to exercise. I've got to have people around me all the time. Which means I'm gonna have to get over that this house is not gonna be spotless all the time. I'm gonna have to get over that I can't control sometimes I've got big plans and baby's super sick and we can't go.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm gonna have to hire a babysitter, even though I feel guilty because I think mom should always be around and should just sacrifice themselves and never have babysitters. Like, you know what I'm saying? How that.

[Kelly]

How.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But that order stems from who am I going to be and who do we want to be. And then we're going to create structures and systems to back up an identity.

[Caller 3]

Yeah, that makes sense. It all flows together.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to take two words with you from this call. Okay?

[Caller 3]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Open handed.

[Caller 3]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Open handed. You get two months into a thing that's not working. Cool. We learned something. We're gonna do something different now. We're not gonna bathe in shame. We're not gonna bathe in guilt. We're not going to bathe in judgment. It didn't work out this way. Cool. We're gonna try a new thing and give your husband that same grace too, because you know what? He's never been married to somebody who has an infant. It just be new for him, too.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Everybody's doing something new. But the fact that you even thought to call is so great. So great.

[Caller 3]

Perfect. We actually submitted the question together, following up, like a date night, because we're trying to squeeze in, like, as much as possible before the baby gets here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome.

[Caller 3]

So hopefully, like, we've kind of started this, but the, like, the pointers that you're giving will help us probably build a stronger foundation.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just. Just know the feelings are going to come and that you're not broken. Your feelings are good. Feelings of guilt. Your feelings of I miss the workplace. Your feelings of I'm so. I hate the workplace. The feelings of my baby's driving me crazy. The feelings of if my husband touches me again, I'm going to set him on fire. But also, I wish he would hold me like all of the. It's just going to be a conflicting mess. And it's like I'm going to keep. I'm going to hold him open handed. And every day, every week, every month, my husband and I are going to have a rhythm where we get together and touch base so that these big unspoken things don't become monumental unspoken things which become like the soil for the trees of resentment.

[Caller 3]

Yeah. Definitely don't want that to get that far.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So just go ahead and put on the calendar.

[Caller 2]

Now. You.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You like to plan out in the future. You can't plan anything that's coming. You can at least plan your weekly and monthly meetings with your husband. You can plan those things.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Caller 2]

And you can.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can plan your nightly mess up.

[Caller 3]

Yeah, he'll get a good laugh out of that one. I usually try to put everything away at night.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know you do. And he's just like, let's make out. You're like, I've got to vacuum the roof or whatever you're doing. I don't know what. You're all right. So, yeah, like, it's. It's. Y' all work it together. And he's gonna have his own things he's got to let go of too. Right? But, man, I. Y' all are gonna be awesome. It's been an honor to talk to you. Such a blessing. I wish you guys the absolute best. Hang on the line. I'm gonna send you together app for a year as my gift. Hope to God you're not married to an Android guy, but into Android people. Relax, relax. It's coming. But it will help give y' all a thing y' all can do every day to bring the two of you closer together, especially during a big sea change of a life like adding a new baby. I hope it goes awesome. We'll be right back. The wait is over. Montana Knife Company has launched their first folding knife, the Montana. I'm holding it right now. I didn't think it would be this cool. It is that cool. I've been telling you about Montana knife companies. Fixed blades for hunting, cooking, fishing, for being out on the ranch, for anything. And now they took that same 30 years of craftsmanship and precision, and they brought it to a folding knife and they nailed it. This is the ultimate everyday carry blade. And here's what I really love about Montana Knife Company. These are working knives made by people who actually use them right here in America. I recently spent time with founder Josh Smith, and he personally walked me through the details and components of this knife and many of their other knives. He's just one of over a hundred master bladesmiths in the world, and the quality of this knife proves it. This is the pocket knife perfected. And like all Montana Knife Company knives, this is something your grandkids will fight over years from now. If you haven't shopped at Montana Knife Co. Before, you need to know that their knives sell out fast, they're handmade, and supplies are extremely limited. So go to montanaknifecompany.com today to check out what's available right now. Now that's montanaknifecompanya.com all right, what's up, Kelly?

[Kelly]

All right, I have a together question.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Can I ask you one question, though, before we talk about the together app? I just noticed this just this second, and this is on me because it's been there for years. Like, now that I've made, like, eye contact with it, I'm like, oh, that's been there forever. My daughter and my wife, and now you are all water bottle people at all times. What's. I would love to become a water bottle person because it looks awesome. My wife takes. I mean, brings hers to the kitchen table. Does it help you count? Like, how much you're drinking? Is it just easier? Do you have, like, a phobia about somebody else drinking out of your glass? Like, what is it?

[Kelly]

No, I don't use it to be like, this is 24 ounces. So I've had three of these today at all. I just always like to have water with me. And so, yeah, I've got this one here, and then I've got one at home, and I'm the same. That's what I bring to the dinner table. I have one on the bedside table. It lasts longer than the. Like, I like iced water. Like, my husband loves room temperature water. I don't get that. But I love ice water. So this. The ice stays colder in a bottle versus if I just have a glass of ice water.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, here's my real question. How much vodka is in there?

[Kelly]

I don't drink, John, and you know that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but it's kind of like when you ask somebody, like, how much money do you owe? And they're like, I don't owe anybody money except for $100,000 in student loans and my car payment. Yeah, it's like that. It's like, I know you don't drink, but vodka doesn't count sometimes. All right, what's your question about together apps?

[Kelly]

You're a dork. All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're a dork.

[Kelly]

So you use a lot of science y words when you talk about the. I like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I like how sciencey.

[Kelly]

Yeah, but you talk about neuroscience, relationship

[Dr. John DeLoney]

science, blah, blah, blah.

[Kelly]

What's the science behind all that? What is the real. Like, where does that come from? How do we know that? Is that something you just made up? It's okay if it is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I don't understand the question.

[Kelly]

So when you. What is the science behind? Would we say, you know, these are like, the neuroscience behind doing these little habits every day. What is the real science behind that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That it's. I mean, it's It's a broad, huge category. So if you look at all the activities that we've loaded in there, some things are about the 30 second hug has to do with touch and has to do with bioregulation and has to do with pausing and has to do with ultimately I know you're gonna end up with, with eye contact, with that which has oxytocin for women. Like it's, it's a whole bunch of stuff. So it's not like, like the app is from a particular stream of science. It's woven throughout the whole thing. It's the foundation of it. And you get a layer. I was gonna say deeper but not above it. Social science is sometimes sketchy at best and sometimes it's good. But man, a lot of times it is sketchy on a stick. But like there's, there's a lot of studies about couples who talk together and couples who make eye contact and couples who touch more and couples who are in connection and have regular rhyth. Etc do better over time. And the whole thing built on the Gottman's work about bids is what the way they call it, which is I'm going to do a thing towards you. Will you receive that and do a thing back towards me? And so it's woven throughout the whole thing. But it's not just like here's a piece of science and we built it on that thing. It's woven throughout the entire app. But at the end of the day it, it works. Is the most important thing. Is that helpful?

[Kelly]

It is. I think the idea is that this isn't just a bunch of crap we made up and threw in a nap. There's legit science behind this stuff that

[Dr. John DeLoney]

proves I would, I would love things to just.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And sometimes I'm gonna be honest, sometimes I'm like, I think we should do this. Sure. But I mean I've spent 20 years getting two PhDs. It's in there, right? I need to probably put a. Like if I have an activity with just an asterisk by it and just be like, like Deloney just made this one up because it sounded hilarious. That'd be fun too. I think we've over indexed not on data, but I think we've become an overly optimized obsessive culture and I don't think it served us well in a lot of different places. What do I mean by that? It's a conversation I had with Steve Ranella when we were talking about I was struggling to find the data on marriage initially and he just looked at me and said, I don't care. Marriage has been the best thing for me, and I'm watching it happen. And I was like, yes, that. It's just. What? My grandmother didn't do things because she had the neuroscience. She didn't because it made sense. And I think that's where we're all kind of swinging back to, and I think that's a good place to be. The app will change your marriage. Go get.