Caller: “Is My Husband Truly Done With Porn?”

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: Caller: “Is My Husband Truly Done With Porn?”
Host: Dr. John Delony
Date: August 3, 2026
Network: Ramsey Network

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show centers around callers seeking guidance on relationships, addiction, and mental health. The main segment features Alyssa, who is struggling to trust her husband's recovery from a long-term pornography addiction. Dr. Delony offers practical advice on rebuilding trust, setting boundaries, and understanding the deeper issues involved. The episode also includes callers wrestling with homesickness and opiate recovery after relocating, and supporting a spouse dealing with financial anxiety. Throughout, Dr. Delony combines empathy, candor, and actionable steps—delivering real talk for real-life challenges.

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Main Caller: Alyssa – Rebuilding Trust After Porn Addiction

[01:20] – [17:49]

Background and Core Struggle

• Alyssa from Orlando calls seeking help trusting her husband’s recovery from a pornography addiction that began at age eight and continues to impact their marriage.
• The issue frequently leads to arguments, leaving Alyssa feeling shut out, rejected, and uncertain about the future.

Key Insights & Advice

• Pornography’s Role in Relationships

  • Dr. Delony explores whether Alyssa's distress is rooted in her views on pornography itself, or its impact on intimacy and connection.
    • “Is your core struggle...you think it’s gross, bad, wrong, or is it the catalyst for the person inside your marriage?” ([03:28] – Dr. Delony)

• Real Fears & Consequences

  • Alyssa expresses:
    • Loss of intimacy (periods of no sex)
    • Ongoing suspicion and emotional disconnect
    • Fears of escalation (e.g., potential cheating)
    • The pain of feeling “replaced” by his addiction

• Dr. Delony’s Response

  • Affirms her feelings and the reality of her pain: “Your rejection is very real, and his usage…may have nothing to do with you, which almost makes it worse, right?” ([07:03] – Dr. Delony)
  • Points out that their current solutions (VPNs, blockers, checking history) are insufficient:
    • “There’s been some white-knuckling...but not to address the issues underneath the pornography…” ([08:14] – Dr. Delony)
  • Emphasizes the need for a clinical recovery program, especially after such a long history of addiction.
    • Suggests resources like Valor Pornography Recovery ([05:31]; [06:20])

Boundaries, Communication, and Self-Value

• Alyssa struggles with feeling responsible for her husband’s triggers and with wanting to set limits.
• Dr. Delony reframes the issue of confronting or “checking in” as not a confrontation, but a necessary part of loving accountability when recovery is being actively pursued.
  • “The fact that just talking with him about it…is a confrontation, is a setback—tells me there’s been zero healing.” ([08:14] – Dr. Delony)
• Encourages Alyssa to:
  • Define what is “true in my home because I’m worth this” ([12:36])
  • Write an “or what” statement: e.g., “You become a partner of fidelity, or what…” ([17:04])
  • Focus on her own needs and well-being: “I want you for the first time in your life to care about your spirit…what you want for the first time.” ([15:12] – Dr. Delony)

Memorable Quotes

• “Shame eats secrets for breakfast.” ([09:34] – Dr. Delony quoting Brené Brown)
• “You can’t play defense on stress for the rest of his life—that’s work he has to choose.” ([12:02])
• “You’re worth more than coming second place to your addiction.” ([09:56])

Action Steps for Alyssa

• Insist on substantial, professional recovery for her husband (not just technical hurdles).
• Clearly articulate her boundaries and expectations.
• Prioritize her own emotional and mental health.

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[21:45] – [38:13]

Caller #2: Vincent – Coping with Recovery, Homesickness, and Financial Strain After Moving

Background

• Vincent moves from Washington to Arizona for his wife’s health, leaving behind family and career. He struggles with opiate addiction (on medication-assisted treatment), isolation, job stress in real estate, and deep guilt about uprooting his family.

Dr. Delony’s Key Advice

• Prioritize Sobriety:
  • “Nothing else matters right now other than sobriety…as an isolator…those demons are going to come screaming…” ([27:04])
• Rebuild Support Network Rapidly:
  • Get into a recovery group ASAP—“You have to get plugged in to a recovery group. You gotta be clean.”* ([27:10])
• Take Recovery and Life One Step at a Time:
  • Secure small financial wins (side jobs, fallback options) for tangible progress and self-worth.
• Reality vs. Romanticizing the Past:
  • Reminds Vincent that moving “back home” won’t erase underlying issues without recovery (“You’re going to go with you wherever you move.” [35:19])
• Self-Worth and Guilt:
  • Dr. Delony validates Vincent’s guilt but pushes him to act for himself and his family despite not feeling worthy or motivated right now.
    • “I believe in you, brother. Even when you don’t.” ([37:54])

Notable Moments

• Dr. Delony shares his own struggle with relocating, normalizing the difficulty ([36:25]).
• Offers Vincent three months of free therapy via BetterHelp, instructing him to make the first appointment immediately ([37:36]).

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[40:50] – [55:10]

Caller #3: Emily – How to Support a Spouse with Money Anxiety

Background

• Emily and her husband (a real estate team) are financially stable but her husband is chronically stressed about money, which affects their marriage and homelife.

Dr. Delony’s Approach

• Identifies Insufficient Peace:
  • The anxiety is less about finances and more a symptom of deeper unrest.
    • “It sounds like a man that doesn’t have peace in the middle of his chest.” ([46:14])
• Practical Reflection:
  • Encourages Emily to “reverse engineer” their home life:
    • What do they want their house to feel like?
    • How can they “solve for peace first” rather than chasing arbitrary financial goals?
• Tangible Steps:
  • Suggests his book, Building an Unanxious Life, for the couple to read and work through together.
  • Recommends a half-day retreat to “swipe the deck clean” and imagine their ideal home and marriage ([51:24]).
  • Advises regular, open connection and practical check-ins, e.g., credit reports, business status, schedules.

Memorable Quotes

• “If you got a million dollars…I promise you, within 30 days your husband will have found a new thing to worry about.” ([49:48])
• “The money is just…the blinking light on the dashboard right now. But the problem is in the engine.” ([50:05])
• “Let’s reimagine our home. What do we want this thing to feel like? And how do we solve for peace here?” ([54:51])

Notable Suggestions

• Use the Together app for intentional marital check-ins.
• Embrace change—“The marriage y’all had doesn’t exist anymore.”
• If anxiety dominates, consider therapy to address underlying restlessness and identity shifts after big life changes (kids, career, housing).

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[56:21] – [61:15]

Listener Mail: When Humor Hurts in Marriage

Situation

• Lauren feels hurt when her husband repeatedly jokes (publicly and privately) about their marriage being like a biblical plague—then acts like it's just humor.

Dr. Delony & Kelly’s Take

• Differentiate between playful, mutual humor and crossing a line into disrespect or emotional harm.
  • “It’s less about the joke…he just stabs. When he’s slap fighting, he stabs real fast.” ([60:06])
• Encourage honest, direct conversation: Explain how those jokes feel, ask for respect, and gauge willingness to change.
• Kelly notes that repetition might indicate a deeper, unspoken issue: “If you keep making a joke over and over…at some point you’re like, is there something legit here?”
• Overall: You are not the problem for feeling hurt. Emotional safety and mutual respect matter more than “being able to take a joke.”

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Highlighted Resources and Quotes

• Valor Pornography Recovery (Steve Wolt & Theo Von Interview)

  • “Two guys talking at length…about the madness that is pornography…It’s a really powerful listen.” ([05:31])

• Brené Brown on Shame:

  • “Shame eats secrets for breakfast.” ([09:34])

• Self-Respect & Boundaries:

  • “Until you can say what you want out loud, it’s going to continue to be this weird figure-8 cat and mouse game…” ([10:36])

• Rebuilding Self-Love:

  • “You become bitter. You become resentful…You become someone you don’t want to become.” ([15:39])

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Summary Table of Key Segments:

| Timestamp | Segment | Key Theme/Question | | -------------- | ----------------------------| ----------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:20–17:49 | Alyssa and Dr. Delony | Trust after porn addiction, boundaries, recovery programs | | 21:45–38:13 | Vincent and Dr. Delony | Relocation, homesickness, opiate recovery, self-worth and guilt | | 40:50–55:10 | Emily and Dr. Delony | Spousal money anxiety, root causes, building peace at home | | 56:21–61:15 | Listener Mail (Lauren) | When marital humor crosses the line into emotional harm |

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Overall Tone

Dr. Delony’s tone remains compassionate, direct, and solution-oriented throughout. He highlights the importance of honesty, facing hard truths, seeking real—not cosmetic—recovery, and choosing self-respect and actionable boundaries in relationships.

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Episode Takeaways

• Lasting change (in marriage, recovery, or life transitions) requires deep work, honesty, and structural support—not just quick fixes or temporary avoidance.
• Boundaries and expectations are essential; you are worth emotional safety and connection.
• “Solving for peace” begins with honest communication and self-awareness, not with controlling outcomes or others’ feelings.
• You are not alone, and step-by-step progress (with professional help as needed) is possible and worth it.

Transcript

[Caller]

How do I begin trusting my husband's recovery from addiction? He is struggling with pornography.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

But it turns out that he's actually been addicted since he was about 8 years old. And it's been something that's always in the back of my head. Always.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's going on? What's going on? This is Joe John with the Dr. John DeLoney show comedy from Nashville, Tennessee. Hope you're doing well. Hope the chaos in your life is the fun kind of chaos, not the ah, man kind of chaos. Whether it be your marriage, your mental and emotional health, your kids, your life, your money, whatever you got going on in your life, I'm glad you're here. Pull up a seat. And we're going to figure out what's the next right move for you and those you love and care about. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes, and Kelly will reach out. She'll holler back, girl at you. And yes, she.

[Kelly]

I know. Holla.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Bat girl. Yeah, I can confirm. Can confirm. By the way, I was gonna do a whole rant on Letterkenny, the greatest show ever, but I won't. All right, so let's go out to Orlando, Florida, and talk to Alyssa. What's up, Alyssa?

[Caller]

Hi, Dr. John. How are you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. How are you?

[Caller]

I'm doing all right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's going on?

[Caller]

Well, I'm. I am having a couple issues that I was hoping you could help me work through.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, let's dump the box out on the counter. Let's figure.

[Caller]

All right, I wanted to ask you, how do I begin trusting my husband's recovery from addiction, and how do I know when my instinct that he's relapsed is worth a confrontation?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ooh, two good questions. What is the. Let me write this down because I don't want to forget it. All right, so what's the addiction he's struggling with?

[Caller]

He is struggling with pornography.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, tell me about it.

[Caller]

So I know that we had talked about this before we began dating. We've been together for five years now. And when we were kind of opening up to each other about, you know, our struggles and our issues, his issue with pornography came up. And I thought it was something that had been passed, but it turns out that he's actually been addicted since he was about 8 years old.

Okay.

And it's really affecting our marriage. It's affected our entire relationship. Just.

It.

I feel like this is something we. We have to discuss and here recently even argue over at least once a year minimum. And it's been something that's always in the back of my head.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Tell me. Take a breath with me for a second. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're good. I know that's. That's tough. Have you ever said that out loud to somebody else, not your husband, before?

[Caller]

I have not.

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I can feel it on you. Hear me say this. I'm glad you're here. Okay. And you're not crazy.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so I'm gonna ask you some weird questions or it might not make.

[Caller]

Just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just go with me on it, okay?

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is your core struggle. You hate pornography. You think it's gross, bad, wrong, evil, whatever words you want to attach to it, or is it the catalyst for the. The person inside your marriage? You said it's really affecting your marriage. It could be both.

[Caller]

Okay, maybe a little bit of both. I know that it's not healthy and not good, but I feel like it's been taken to the extreme, and it's like he has this secret little life that I'm not a part of, and I don't know where the ball stops rolling. Will he stop at pornography? Will he cheat? How do I know?

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the reason I asked that question is I got a sense from you, the way you pose that question. Beneath pornography. Give me your. The. The real fears you have. Is it the type of pornography? Is it the. The financial cost? Is it the lack of intimacy? Is it. You can. You can just tell because his eyes are glazed over and he's disconnected from you. Like, give me a rundown of, like, what your deepest fears and experiences are.

[Caller]

I mean, it's been a little bit of all of the above. I mean, there's been times where we've gone two months without sex at all, and it didn't seem to really bother him. It didn't seem like he noticed. And that was really hard for me. It makes me feel rejected constantly, especially when, you know, I'm. I try to initiate and he's not interested, and because I. I don't know. I don't know what he's looking at. And it's been really hard for him to talk about, so I can't be that or try to fill that gap. And I feel shut out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And this is. Man.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When you get off this, call it. It'll be a challenging. Listen, Theo Vaughn, the comedian podcaster, lives here in Nashville, and he just put out an extraordinary interview on his show with a guy named Steve Wolt. W O L T, I believe, and he's the founder of Valor Pornography Recovery. But it is an extraordinary interview, and two guys talking at length, in depth, about the. All of the madness that is pornography that's just got its chains around you. But I think it's an enlightening interview, and, man, he probably won't. But your husband needs to hear it more than anything.

[Caller]

I think I'd be able to get him to listen.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And obviously, if you know Theo as a person, I love him. I mean, it's a comic. I love him. But it's always not. It's not a clean show, but it's definitely, if you know anybody struggling, pornography. It's a really powerful, powerful listen. Okay, so. And here's why I tell you that one of the key components that's hard for spouses to hear is your rejection is very real, and his usage of pornography may have nothing to do with you, which almost makes it worse, right?

[Caller]

Yeah, I can't decide.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, right. And, dude, I've heard that a thousand times. Like, I. I don't know which one is worse, which is if there's some sort of deficiency in me or in our sex, then maybe that gives me a path to something I can fix and repair, which are both. I don't like those words in this. In this moment, but that's where our thinking goes. Or, oh, you just don't need me. You don't want me. Like you want that or you have to have. Right. And so here's the thing. For him. Let me back out. What have y' all tried?

[Caller]

We've tried, you know, VPNs and blockers and things like that. We tried keeping an open discussion about it, and he'll do really great for a while. And I know that he feels ashamed of himself, and I do feel like he. He wants to try, but I've gotten to the point where I don't really believe what he tells me, because I can check in and I can ask, you know, how are you doing? And it's a really difficult topic to bring up because I feel like every time I bring it up, I'm setting him backwards.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The fact that just talking with him about your husband about it, quote, unquote, is a confrontation, is a setback, tells me there's been zero healing. There's been some. There's been some white knuckling and scratching and clawing to not do a thing, but not to address the issues underneath the pornography, you know what I'm saying?

[Caller]

Yeah, I can see that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so he's at a point now where the VPN stuff and all like checking your history and the. The conversations that turn flashpoint, turn into World War III and will you never and why don't you? And all of that is unhelpful at this point. He's got to go to a recovery program especially. He's been dealing with this since he was 8 years old. Yeah, he has to go to a recovery program. And I. I would steer clear of a. Of a weekend church retreat. He needs to go to a recovery program, whether it's valor, whether it's sa, Whether it's some where he gets in a room with other men and is able to exhale and tell his story and hear other men tell their stories. Because the shame is going to kill him.

[Caller]

Yeah, I. I see that in him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Shame. This is a Brene Brown quote. But shame eats secrets for breakfast. That's what it. That's the gasoline. Shame runs on a secrecy. And by the way, you feel it too,

[Caller]

Right?

Maybe a little bit. Not in him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No. Well, just you. You can. You. You're going to have to be able to say, I don't respect you. You're going to have to be able to say out loud, I'm. I'm worth more than coming second place to your addiction. You're going to have to say, I want sex and intimacy in my marriage. I don't want that outsourced. And I don't want to feel weird or wrong or whatever for wanting to be with my husband.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Until you can say what you want out loud, it's going to continue to be this weird figure 8 cat and mouse game of who's trying to avoid who. And then once a year, that figure eight meets in the middle and there's a big explosion. And then you all go. You go to your. Each individual corners for the next 11 and a half months.

[Caller]

I feel like these are some of the things that I've. I've brought up to him before. And like I said, we'll have a really good discussion. He'll know exactly where my head's at. And I thought that maybe I knew where he was at.

So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So here.

[Caller]

And then we'll be doing good. And then something happens. And he knows that stress is what brings him back. So I try eliminate stressors for him where I can.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Alyssa, Alyssa. Alyssa. Let's take pornography off the table because it's tied into relation, relationality, and it's tied into intimacy, is tied into identity and self worth and all that sexuality. It's got so much baggage. So let me use another addiction. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can't make him not drink.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The only person you can control is you.

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what does that mean? That means you say you cannot be in this home with me and your baby if you've been drinking, period. You, you can't play defense on stress for the rest of his life. That's work that he has to choose to do for himself and for you. And for God's sakes, that little baby.

[Caller]

Yeah, right,

right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because you're exhausted. And so the conversations have to turn at some point to I think I know where he is and he kind of knows where I am. And it has to be here is what is going to be true in my home because I'm worth this

[Caller]

and

[Dr. John DeLoney]

here's what I'm going to do next. Because right now he gets to have one uncomfortable month, a couple of uncomfortable check ins, a year, and then he can not have the pain of having to change his life. And your fear is about, is he going to stop here? Is he going to click on the wrong thing and send him down the wrong rabbit trail? He's going to end up in a real, real big mess. Is he going to meet up with some. All those fears are very, very valid and real. And so the original two questions you asked me, number one is how do I learn to trust you? Put a very clear path in front

[Caller]

of them

[Dr. John DeLoney]

and he gets to choose to walk that path or not. And that's not you running around like a mom trying to clear the deck for him. And how do you know if you're. If in your intuition is worth a confrontation? Man checking in on somebody you care about and love, when you all have a shared goal and they're working to get well, it's never a confrontation. You know what I'm saying? The fact that the way you label it as a confrontation is, tells me he's not putting the work in.

[Caller]

Sometimes I wish that I could just roll with it and ignore some of the signs that I see that I don't want that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not being honest to yourself. That's not being honest to him. It's not being honest to that baby.

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did you take care of somebody growing up? Was it your job to take care of the adults in your life growing up?

[Caller]

Not so much the adults. I had brothers.

Okay.

Little brothers.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. But I mean, was it your job to make sure they were behaved so mom and dad didn't get mad?

[Caller]

It was okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you for the first time in your life to care about your spirit, to care about your insides, to care about what you need and what you. More importantly, what you want for the first time. You've been caring for every other adult in your life for your whole life, and it's exhausting. You're going to crash under the weight. Or. Here's what's. You're going to become somebody that you don't want to become.

[Caller]

Right?

Yeah, I. I see that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You become bitter. You become resentful.

[Caller]

You.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Somebody at work is gonna tell you that they think you're great and wonderful, and you're gonna be like, dude, I haven't heard that in four freaking years. You're gonna become somebody you don't want to become. And so when anyone comes to me with a challenge like this in their marriage, the question I always ask him is, who do you want to be in your marriage and what must be true for that to take place?

[Caller]

I think. I think I just want us to be secure and steady. I don't want our son to see or have any kind of fear that mom and dad aren't doing good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but you're not doing good.

[Caller]

No.

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so we also don't want our son growing up feeling that cognitive dissonance says, I know my house doesn't feel connected. My house doesn't feel safe, but all the adults are smiling. I must be crazy. And here's what that will do. He'll find some vice to quiet that gap, and this and this family trauma will roll downhill on the next generation.

[Caller]

Let that happen.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go. At some point, you're gonna have to write down on paper and look at it and weep over it. But you're gonna have to write down an or what statement. You become a. You become a partner of fidelity, of integrity. You put me in this marriage first before all other things, including your pride, including your ego, including your addictions, or what.

[Caller]

I've tried to write that statement a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. I know. It's a scary thing to put on paper because it makes it really, really real.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But we're. We're way past VPN blockers and weekly history deletes. Thank you so, so much for the call. Thanks for wading through the shame and the embarrassment and just the discomfort of all of it and saying, help. It was an honor to sit with you. But hear me say, you're worth more than that. You're worth more than this. And so is he. For any men out there struggling with pornography, especially as an addiction. On that, listen to the interviews with. I wrote it down here. It's. Yeah, Steve wolt W o L t and Theo Vaughn. It's a powerful discussion. And if it's time to go seek treatment, go seek treatment. It's embarrassing and shameful on this side. It is freeing on the other side. And you and everybody in your life is worth it. We come back. A man asks how to cope with homesickness, financial struggles, and addiction. After moving states, we'll be right back. This drives me bonkers. But our culture has made being exhausted something to be proud of, right? People brag about how busy they are, how little sleep they get, and how exhausted they always feel. Listen, being exhausted is not a flex. You know what's a flex? Getting good sleep. And good sleep starts with a great mattress. And that's why I love my mattress from Helix Sleep. Helix is not just a show sponsor for me. Helix is where I sleep. My kids sleep on Helix, even my extended family members and friends. They're all getting Helix mattresses now because I won't shut up about them in my private life when the microphones and the lights are off. I'm still talking about Helix mattresses because I love them. I want you to get online and take the Helix Sleep quiz. It takes, like two minutes, and they're going to match you with just the right mattress from more than 20 different models designed for how you sleep. Side sleeper, back sleeper, hot sleeper, cold sleeper. They design mattresses for you. And if you're a hot sleeper during these brutal hot summer months, they've got cooling upgrades for their mattresses, too. Go to helixsleep.com deloney for early access to their Labor Day sale, and you'll get 20% off site or wide. Start your labor day early@helix sleep.com Deloney and save 20% off site wide with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. Hey, it's Deloney for Hallow. What could you accomplish in 90 days? You know, you could get in shape. You could lose weight, you could change your marriage, you could play games with your kids and change your relationship with them. You could do so much in 90 days. And that's why I want you to try Hallow for 90 days. Days Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world. And it's one of the most important things I do to start almost every single day. Anchoring myself in my faith helps me slow down and prioritize what actually matters to me before the world goes bonkers. And Hallow will give you 90 days for free for you to do the same. You can build a habit of reflection, a habit of Slowing down and a habit of prayer. Hallow is simple and guided, and it meets you where you are. It helps you anchor your faith, practice with daily reflections, scripture, music, special series, and most importantly, peace. Ask yourself, who do you want to be 90 days from now, and what do you want to do to get it? If you want more peace or if you want to be more grounded in your faith, give Hallow a try. Try hallow free for 90 [e-mail] DeLoney that's three months for [e-mail] DeLoney all right, let's go to Phoenix, Arizona. It's probably 8 million degrees there today. And talk to Vincent. Hey, Vincent, what's up?

[Caller]

Yeah, it's pretty brutal. So my. My question. I'll just. I'll just ask the question up front. So how can I cope with homesickness, financial struggles and being an addiction and recovery when I move states? And I can give you a little backstory on that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, that's all. That's a lot. All in a row.

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me what's going on, man.

[Caller]

Yeah, so my. I'm married. My wife and I, we. We were together for five years before we got married, and we've been married for. It'll be two years in July. While we were dating, I noticed, you know, how much she would be affected by the darker winter months. We were living in Washington state at the time, so it was clear to me that she had, you know, like, severe seasonal affective disorder. You know, we tried a bunch of those, you know, having all those lights that imitate the sun. Sure. We tried, like, glasses that shine that light directly into your eyeball, you know, which I don't know if that was. If that's a good thing to try or not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Try anything. Try anything that works, but. So y' all ended up moving?

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah. So we moved to. She. We moved to Arizona. We ended up moving to Arizona. She, you know, she just laid it out for me. She said, I love you. I want to be with you, but I just. I can't live in Washington anymore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you said, I love you, too. Let's go.

[Caller]

Yeah. Okay. That was. It was a huge moment for me. I mean, I've lived, you know, I've lived in. In Washington my whole life, where most of my family is. You know, I had a job that I loved. She's from. She's from another country. And, you know, my family loves her and, like, did their best to make her feel loved. But, yeah, I mean, ultimately, I said, okay, I'm in, you know, like, the career move was the biggest challenge. Like, I worked, you know, I worked at like a very high luxury resort and I was making good money, but I felt stagnant there. So like, I kind of thought of this as, okay, well, this will be an opportunity for me to change careers, you know, and, you know, when we make this move to Arizona. So I enrolled in real estate school, got, you know, got the 90 hours of education, flew down there, passed the exams and got licensed. And then during this time we also had a baby and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But what addiction are you struggling with?

[Caller]

So I've always struggled with opiate use disorder.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know, Is that a clinical diagnosis or is that you reading about it on the Internet?

[Caller]

Yeah, that's the clinical diagnosis.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You struggle with opiates for a long, long time.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so bring me to right now because right now you have a whole bunch of change all at once. And I'm guessing it's not all going well.

[Caller]

Yeah, I mean, a lot's happened in the last six months. I mean, I. So we moved to Arizona. I was, I joined up with the real estate team and like, I just, I just felt so lost and depressed there in Arizona and like, I had no family, no friends, and you know, like, no like recovery system and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But just like moving to a new town and get a new place and having to call and turn the, the lights on and the water on and get the Internet set up, part of packing up and moving across the country. And I know this because I've done it. You move across the country, part of moving into a brand new system where, you know, nobody is. I gotta go meet a gang. I gotta go meet friends. I gotta go to a local church. I gotta get into my recovery group. I gotta invite some people out to lunch for a season.

[Caller]

Yeah. And I know I need to do that. It's. I don't know, I'm just, I'm just an isolator. Like, it's, it's. I'm. I'm an introverted and I know, but

[Dr. John DeLoney]

it's killing you, brother.

[Caller]

I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The first thing you have to do before you try to tackle any of these other big issues is you have to get plugged into a recovery group asap. You gotta, you gotta be clean.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Nothing else matters right now other than sobriety. And as a self admitted isolator, super introvert in a brand new place with no community, those demons are going to come screaming at you and clawing your skin off your body, right?

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah, they did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so you the none of this other stuff can happen if you're not sober. You can't be the dad you want. You can't be the husband you want. You can't think clearly about a brand new job in a really difficult time to start being a litter. And by the way, there's a million amazing resorts in Phoenix. Like, there's. What I'm trying to tell you is there's other options. You can't see or feel or experience any of those other things if you're not clean.

[Caller]

Yeah, it's, you know, like, it's just. I. I don't want you to. I don't want. I don't, I'm. I don't want you to think that I am. You know, like, I was so happy when I was in Washington. Like I was doing really good. And I've been on, I've been on like, you know, I've been on like medication, assisted their treatment for the past like five years. Okay. And I. And it's not a solution. I know that. But I mean, it is a solution, but it's not the solution that I want, you know, like. Because it's just another way for me to cope.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Caller]

And

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want that for you too. But here's what. Here's what has happened. You made. And I'll say you alone, because I want you. I want you to hold it. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You made a humongous decision.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you made it with and for somebody that you looked in the her eyes and said, I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with you. Ride or die. Till death do us part. And then you got there and you took one foot out of that boat and you put it back in the. In the other place.

[Caller]

Yeah. Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you haven't given your full place a chance. I promise you. You're romanticizing parts of the. Your past.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It. You did have friends, you did have family, you did have community. Your life would be bonkers right now as a newlywed with a new baby in a job either you hate and felt was dead in or starting a brand new job if you'd gotten your real estate license in Washington.

[Caller]

Yeah. Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So the compounding factors here are. I've managed sobriety chemically, pharmacologically over the last five years.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I lost that support system. And either it haven't gone to. To renew it or to re. Establish it in my new place. There's just a lot going on, man. And I just. When it feels like a lot, it's good to take Things one at a time. You got to get into some recovery care. An opiate addiction is by all accounts the gnarliest, hardest, scariest one.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So you gotta. You got a hellacious journey ahead of you. You're worth that fight. So is your wife. So is this little baby I'll have.

[Caller]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the second thing is you got to get some little wins financially. So completely emptying out your old basket and putting all of your eggs in this brand new basket, in this brand new market, in this brand new job that is almost entirely relationship based, as an isolator and an introvert was a pretty. Pretty raw move, right?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So give yourself some grace. I tried a thing. It didn't work. Or it's going to take a long, long time to set up and I gotta go make some money. I need some little wins, both for my spirit, for myself, and for, like, food and bills.

[Caller]

Yeah. Right. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I gotta get up and go for a walk in the morning before it turns into a thousand degrees. I gotta get some sunshine on my body.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I hate to tell you this, brother. Not one person can do these things for you.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's many people that will do them with you. But you have to decide you're worth more than this that you got right now. Fair?

[Caller]

Mm. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You just dismissed me on that one. Do you not believe you're worth a fight?

[Caller]

Not. I don't feel that right now. No, I don't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's fair. I'll sit. I'll sit here with you.

[Caller]

I have. I. I feel a lot of guilt.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller]

About moving. It's like. I mean, there's. There's so much I feel guilt, guilty about and, you know, like, I just feel like I took. I feel like I took my grandson away or my, you know, my dad. I took my. Sorry. I'm. I'm just nervous.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, you're good, man.

[Caller]

But, you know, like, I just. I feel like I broke up my family by moving to Arizona. You.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can choose to see it that way, that you broke up your family. You can choose to see it as you expanded your family. You can choose to see it as me and my new wife went on an adventure for two years, five years, seven years. You can look at it in any number of ways. But right now, everything you look at and see and feel is so clouded with either use or your body just screaming and clawing at you. You know what I'm saying?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Give me six months of recovery, of sobriety, of you going to meetings and going to see a Doctor. And give me six months of you working a job or two. Were you actually getting a paycheck?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then if you look at your wife and say, hey, I made a promise to you that we would move here. And in the same way that the Northwest was killing you, this is killing me. And so I want us to make a plan together that maybe going all the way to the other side of the country was too far.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And let's see if we can come. Like. Right. So it's. We're going to do those things, but we're going to do them in the right order, man. Because here's what's going to happen.

[Caller]

You.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You go back on what you said without going fully all in on it, and you romanticize the past and you run back to it, and you're going to have guilt there, because you're going to go with you, and your guilt will move to another story and to another person you think you're hurting, another person you don't think you kept your word with, and another person you break. You see what I'm saying? You're going to go with you wherever you move. That's why I want you with your feet on the ground in Phoenix, Arizona, to say, I'm going to work on getting well now for me, for my wife and for my kid. And I don't feel it. I honor that feeling, brother. I'm sitting here right here with you. I'm not going to try to change your feelings, but I do want you to take the next right action, even though you don't feel it. Okay?

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm telling you, I love you and you're worth it. And so when you don't feel it, remember me saying that.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And I haven't told anybody this publicly. After being here, moving away from my friends and my family of four decades to Tennessee, within 18 months, I was looking at jobs again back at my home state.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm glad I did. And I have a whole new world, a whole new system, a whole new group of friends, a whole new everything, man. And that's not everybody's story. That's fine. It may be that y' all end up maybe not going back to Washington, but maybe going halfway, maybe going to Utah where it's sunny all the time.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's just a long drive. Who knows, man? But that's not for today. Today is I'm going to go stare this dragon down once and for all, and I'm going to get a group and we're Going to walk right through it together. I'm going to go to meetings. I'm not going to miss. I'm going to go see a physician I'm not going to miss. This isn't going to help you with that level of recovery, but I'm going to give you three months of BetterHelp for free so you have somebody to talk to today that's not going to cost you any money. Okay?

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just a licensed therapist. As soon as we're done here, I want you to take the code that you're going to get and I want you to make an appointment and they'll see you within the next 24 hours. Okay. Because I'm worried about you. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I believe in you, brother. Okay. Even when you don't. I do.

[Caller]

I appreciate it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you got a wife and a baby, and so you don't have a lot of other choices, right? We got to make this work. We got to make this work.

[Caller]

I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

I know, I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But making this thing work is not about homesickness or financial struggles. Financials. I mean, there's a reality to. We need money for bills and food. But it's not about guilt or it's about, I gotta get clean. Step one, I gotta get sober. And then we're gonna start plowing through these issues one at a time. But I want you to give me six months of sobriety and six months of working two jobs. Stand up a little bit taller. Six months of going to meetings every day. And then we'll have some clearer eyes on whether Arizona is a place that you guys can build a new family, build a new world, maybe get your parents out of that northwest dreariness. Or we're going to consider moving in the next year or two. Thanks for the call, brother. It's been an honor to talk to you. I believe in you, man. Remember that when you don't feel like it. Remember, I believe in you. We come back. A woman asks how to help her husband manage his stress about money when it affects everything in their marriage. I've been there. Be right back. All right. Here's something I've learned over the years of sitting across from young men who are struggling with trauma, addiction, mental health challenges, or other destructive behaviors. When I would send them out to therapy, I often found that one 15 minute session a week might not be enough to turn things around. This is where my friends at Capstone can help to make real progress and practice actually living differently. Sometimes young men need a totally new environment to get the support and help they need. Capstone Treatment center is a long term residential program for struggling men ages 14 to 28. It's a structured environment with trained licensed clinicians who follow a strict code of ethics and healing. At Capstone is not something that just gets crammed into a single room. It's woven into every part of every day. Young men need to practice responsibility, they need to practice care, and they also need to practice being loved. That's why the support is so amazing here. And every young man who's enrolled is paired with a Labrador retriever puppy. They can take care of this dog. The dog will help take care of them, and together they grow. And when the young man graduates, that dog goes home with him and his family. Learn [e-mail] DeLoney that's CapstoneWellness.com DeLoney all right. Bozeman, Montana. Gotta go visit there one day, man. Let's talk to Emily. Hey, Emily, what's up?

[Caller]

Hey, Dr. John. How's it going?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Great. How are you?

[Caller]

Pretty good. Well, my question is, I was just hoping to get a little insight into how I can kind of help my husband when he gets pretty stressed out about finances.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ooh, what's his. Well, before I jump into that, Tell me about it.

[Caller]

Yeah, so we actually are a real estate team. He and I work together and it just seems like, you know, there's ebbs and flows to real estate and when we're maybe down a little bit, he just gets a little bit stressed out. He starts freaking out a little bit more about finances and starts getting worried about, you know, our future more. And, you know, obviously as a man, I completely understand that, that he's, you know, the provider for our family and whatnot. But sometimes I just feel like it can affect the rest of our family and like, our relationships to each other and with our kids. So when he does kind of get stressed out, I just sometimes don't know what to do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So give me a couple of examples

[Caller]

of

[Dr. John DeLoney]

quote, unquote, when he gets stressed out, what is that? What, what do you experience?

[Caller]

I mean, it's not anything crazy. It's more so just he gets a little bit more in his head. He can't sleep. And I just don't, you know, I don't have that experience when I get stressed. I guess I just don't worry as much as he does. So when he gets stressed, he's just a little bit more short, not as fun to be around. Of course.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Caller]

Yeah, that's, that's the main or problem

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are the money stresses real meaning? Are y' all pretty leveraged? Do you owe a bunch? And if, if you all don't make X number of sales every month, the whole house of cards comes down.

[Caller]

I don't know, he might feel that way. I personally don't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know that's not a feeling, that's a math problem.

[Caller]

Yeah. So we do have a pretty hefty mortgage. That's really the only debt that we have.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. What is true about that hefty mortgage? Well, and I'll say it this way, when the last house I owned in Texas I bought, and this is like gonna be humorous now, I bought it for $175,000 and I could not breathe. I could not believe that any human would spend that kind of crazy money on a house. And I paced, I didn't sleep. And so that was me not being well at all. Right. I would probably trade one of my kids right now for $170,000 house. Right. Like, not really, but. And then I talk to other people who, they make $600,000 a year combined and they have a $4 million house and the math isn't mathing. Or they make 60 grand and they have a $350,000 house and the math isn't math. So looking at this purely objectively, what's the math problem here?

[Caller]

I mean, that's a good question. It's, it's not like we're struggling to make our payments each month. We also have an Airbnb in our property that kind of, it makes quite a bit. On average, it covers at least half, if not more of our mortgage each month. And you know, of course we have other expense, just day to day living and we have three young kids at home, so we're just busy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's your, what's your husband's money story?

[Caller]

Growing up, they, I felt like his family had quite a bit of money. They had enough family, they lived frugally. But I don't think he ever was really worried necessarily about money.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Sometimes the worry can be two sided. It's either you grew up in scarcity and you know, the pain of not having enough.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You, you know, you feel your, the tension in your home when your parents are worried if they're going to be able to buy groceries that month. And there's also another side to it where your parents talked down about people who didn't have resources or they kind of made fun of, or there was just this expectation that if you're a real man or a real person or a real success. You got to have this and you got to have that and you got to have that. You gotta have a house looks like that. You gotta have cars look like that. You gotta have an income that's this many numbers on it and this many commas in it and.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So the pressure can be all over the place. Not just. We often think of scarcity, but it's sometimes that pressure is shame based and ego based on the other side of it, too. All this to say is this. It sounds like your husband. Not. I'm not saying this as a clinical diagnosis, but it sounds like he is struggling with anxiety at a pretty deep level. And money becomes the flashpoint that sets off the machine. He can't hold it anymore.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it's him saying, let me back all the way out of this and. Heal from the inside out. Because it sounds like a man that doesn't have peace in the middle of his chest. Is that fair?

[Caller]

Yeah, I mean, that's what he told me.

He.

His chest gets really tight and it feels like there's an elephant sitting on it when he gets stressed.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, I'm gonna send you. I wrote a whole book on this called Building an Unanxious Life. I'm gonna send, send. I'll send you two copies. One for you and one for him. I want y' all to read it together, okay? Because here's the question. I want y' all to reverse engineer two questions. Number one, how do you want your home to feel?

[Kelly]

And.

[Caller]

Are you asking me now?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I'm asking. And here's. Here's what I'm asking. Here's why that question is important. Because most of us have gotten caught up in all these crazy traps for what we're supposed to be doing with our money. Square footage, what our kids are supposed to be doing, what they're supposed to be wearing. We got a vrbo. We also have to have some crypto on the side. We also have to have this many credit card points and we have to have our own business. And. And we've forgotten why we're doing all this stuff. What's it for? What is the arbitrage and the gap and moving it from this fund to that fund so we can make the spread and invest it in. Did you get. Did you get the. The SpaceX cap? That. And what I want people to ask is, hey, don't ask those questions first. Ask this question. What do you want your house to feel like? And most people want their house to feel full of laughter and Warmth, peace, silliness, maybe a place to like. It's a. It's a. It's a cave where you can go, ah, from the crap show that is the world. And the second question is, how do we solve for peace first? And what that usually means for most people in your situation is what are the things we're just going to stop doing. Because we want laughter in our life.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if part of that might be, like me, your husband might have a clinical anxiety disorder that he's gonna have to go sit with somebody and work through as a part of. Let's have a house full of laughter and warmth and silliness that we can't wait to get home to. And by the way, y' all got three young kids, so it's going to be chaotic. But I will tell you this. As a guy who took sleep medications, hypnotics for years, I cannot keep my eyes open when I put my head on my pillow anymore. And that was because of doing the anxiety work and then having to go make actual changes in my life.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does that make sense?

[Caller]

Yeah.

Yeah, it definitely does. I mean, I agree with you, and that's totally. I mean, I want my house to feel stress free and we can go have fun and it's gonna have stress in it, right? Yeah. I mean, I feel like there should be a balance. Of course, you know, we're not out spending tons of money all the time and going out to eat and doing activities all the time. We're pretty frugal with our money, but it just feels like there's. The balance is still a little bit off.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So if you got a million dollars, if y'.

[Caller]

All.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If y' all sold a hundred million dollar ranch in Bozeman and y' all got your 6% from that, I promise you, within 30 days, your husband will have found a new thing to worry about.

[Caller]

Mm. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because it's not about the money.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The money is just simply the. The blinking light on the dashboard right now. But the problem is in the engine, right? Or the.

[Caller]

Yeah, the.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The analogy I use in the book is the money problems that he feels in his chest right now. Either he's got a bunch of hidden debt that you don't know about and a bunch of hidden leverages that you don't know about, which may be true. I hear that all the time. Or it is just the smoke detector in the kitchen going off. But that's not where the fire is. The fire is in the middle of a spirit. I don't know how to be a dad of three kids.

[Caller]

I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My life has changed. My marriage has changed. My wife is a different person now. I'm a different person now. We don't have a map back to each other. Who knows what the thing is, right? Does any of this ring a bell? Or is it. Do I sound. Do I sound like I'm just talking gibberish?

[Caller]

No, I mean, it definitely makes sense. I. You know, I can see that. I guess my question is, then, how would I. How can I be supportive while he kind of walks through that if it's not, you know, maybe the money's not the problem and he needs support in other areas.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

One, I'm gonna send you those two books, and I want you to say, hey, this goofball podcaster sent these to me. I want us to read this together.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And if he won't read a read the books, email us, email Kelly or Alex back, and we'll send the audio version.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. That's number one. That'll give you a road map. But number two, I want you all to take a half day retreat. I've said this a million times on the show. I want you to take a half day. The marriage y' all had doesn't exist anymore. The life y' all had together doesn't exist anymore. Two young, married goofballs running around Bozeman just doing whatever you want, whenever you want. That's over. You got three kids, you got business, you got life. You say real estate's been ebbs and flows. It's been a lot of ebbs lately. Right? It's so. It's just. Just. There's a lot going on, and there's something really transformative about a couple looking at each other and literally swiping the deck clean and saying, we get to pick whatever life we want starting today. How do we want this world to feel

[Caller]

okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what must be true for that to happen? From that conversation, you might have to say, I would love you to go see a counselor about your anxiousness. I'm not anxious. We're just got money. I'm asking you to go talk to somebody. I'll go with you if you would like. But I see a man that I love, that, and I see him dying in his own skin. And I don't want the old guy back. I want you to feel good so that we can build this new awesome thing together. And if you've got stuff, your marriage is different too, Emily. So your world is different, your identity is different. Everything's different. And so you asking Yourself what I need to do.

[Caller]

Yeah.

All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the path is like asking each other on a regular basis, how can I love you. I'm going to send you the together app, too. And it doesn't sound like you'll have a marriage issues as much as we just need to have points of connection back. Sometimes these things can be as simple as once a week, we're going to meet up, and we have three young kids, and we don't have a trillion dollars because evidently, babysitters cost 450 bucks an hour now. So we're gonna go on the back porch. No kids allowed. We're gonna drop in front of a screen, and y' all know I hate screens. Put. Turn it on. We're gonna sit on the back porch, and we're just gonna look at each other and say we're doing it. What does this week look like, schedule wise? What does this week look like financially? Let's pull your credit reports and look at everything y' all owe. Where actually, are we financially? What's the state of our business? Let's just start putting some of those things out on the table and that the book will give you a roadmap for all of that building an unanxious life. We'll link to it in the show notes for anybody who's interested in it, but I'll send you a couple of copies for y' all two to read together. Talk about each chapter once a week. But let's reimagine our home. What do we want this thing to feel like? And how do we solve not for. Not for the next. How do we solve for peace here? And sometimes solving for peace means, I'm gonna go bust my butt in the gym. I'm gonna go bust my butt in the therapist office. I'm gonna go learn Jiu jitsu. It doesn't mean that you just take your foot off the gas, but it means the things you're slamming the gas pedal down on the floor for are leading to a thing that makes you go, allows you to go.

[Caller]

Ah,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

it's building the life you want, building the marriage you want, building the life that doesn't have anxiousness and in it all the time. And it kind of levels out those ebbs and flows. So you can cheer on the. On the good days, and you can go, ah, man, on the bad days, but they're. They're not a matter of life or

[Caller]

death,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

but I want you to have peace in your home. And, man, I want your husband to have peace in his heart. Hang on the line here. We'll hook you up. Emily, thanks for the call. We'll be right back. I love, love, love my poncho shirts. And whether I'm at church, I'm out and about, people are stopping me and they're like, dude, you're wearing poncho shirts. Are they really that awesome? Yes, they're really that awesome. I've been wearing poncho shirts for years. If I'm on stage, if I'm traveling, if I'm out running around town, I'm probably wearing poncho shirts right now because it's a billion degrees outside. I'm wearing their originals and ultralights a lot. They're light, they breathe, and they move with you. They're tough enough that I'm never worried about them and they look nice, so I can wear them anywhere. And here's the thing. I don't have to think about it. I just grab one, throw it on, and then I'm gone. So, yes, when people ask me, do you love your poncho shirts? Are they worth it? Yes. I wear them because they're the best. Go to poncho outdoors.com DeLoney and check out all of their styles. Sign up with your email and you'll get 10 bucks off your first purchase. That's poncho outdoors.com deloney all right, Kelly, am I the problem?

[Kelly]

All right, so this is from Lauren in Lakewood, Illinois, and she writes, am I the problem for feeling hurt when my husband publicly equates our marriage to big biblical plagues?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Then no. Why is she complaining?

[Kelly]

Then later tries to play it off as a joke. For example, during a recent family get together, a group of us were playfully debating cell phone usage. My husband is the king of roasting others, so we were lightly roasting him over his screen time. It quickly devolved into him turning on me, implying that being married to me was hell by saying, quote, some people get boils, some get plague of locusts. I get married. This kind of comment is a regular occurrence. And then he later acts like nothing happened and doesn't understand why I'm upset. Am I the problem for being hurt?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, so couple thoughts here. Thought number one. I recently added a whole section in my hour long standup routine about the women's health challenges that may or may not be in my home.

[Kelly]

Menopause?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no. Menopause. I was ready for.

[Kelly]

It's Perry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's the. The pre version. Perry was not aware of that.

[Kelly]

It's awful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We don't talk. Okay? So I think Personally, it's some of the best stuff I've ever done. My wife thinks it's not so funny. And so we've talked about. And by the way, she's never even heard it, but the idea of it. And so we have taught. There's some things I've taken out that she has said, like, hey, that's too far, or that's really personal, or that's just objectively. Don't say that out loud because you're a man and you're gonna get yourself stabbed in a parking lot. And so.

[Kelly]

Or possibly in your studio.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go. So all that to say is, I regularly think things are funny, and my wife says, hey, that hurt my feelings. And I've gotten better over a quarter century together, like, navigating that, knowing, like. And even she'll say, hey, guys, to me and my son, that those jokes are for not in the kitchen. And I'm like, yes, you're right. Right. So there's. There's that. That's not what she's talking about here. She's talking about a guy who can dish it up but can't take it. And I have a problem with that. If you're going to get in the ring and play and you're going to throw punches, you got to expect to get hit back. And that's part of the fun of an engagement. But if you. It hurts your feelings when someone's like, ooh, you're using your phone too much. If you can't handle the heat, then you stay outside the kitchen. You don't, Don't. Don't go in there and play those games. And so it's less about the joke he's making, and it hurts my feelings. No. Have that conversation. And he needs to be a grown man and be like, dude, I didn't mean to hurt. I would never mean to hurt your feelings. I won't make that joke anymore. Even if that joke is so, so funny. So funny. I will not make that joke. It's so funny, Kelly. So funny. But I'm not gonna make the joke because I never want to hurt you. And let me explain myself, because at the end of the day, anytime I'm talking about jokes on a stage, I'm the butt of the joke at the end of the day. That's. That's the goal of it, right? And she's conceded, like, all right. Hurts my feelings. But I know my husband's not a jerk. This guy sounds like a jerk to me. And so. No, on its face, making a joke about my marriage is like a biblical plague that can be funny with a group of people that are all in on it. And whatever. It's. It's that he just stabs, all right? Whenever. When he's slap fighting, he stabs real fast. And then it's like, what?

[Caller]

What?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We're just all playing. And so that's where I think the real conversation is. That was a long winded answer, too. I would sit down and have a conversation with him about, hey, this particular joke hurts my feelings. I would appreciate if you didn't make it anymore and tell them exactly what you want in a kind, loving way. And hopefully he's mature and respectful and sees it. I mean, is willing to keep it up.

[Caller]

Right.

[Kelly]

What do you think overall? Yeah, the only thing that. That struck me a little different is if you keep making a joke over and over and over and over and over.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Super fair. Good call.

[Kelly]

At some point you're like, there's something legit here. Is this how. I mean, you're either just an ass

[Dr. John DeLoney]

or a one joke pony, right? You're just like a joke.

[Kelly]

Come up with some better material.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Get new jokes, dude.

[Kelly]

Right. Or, hey, is there something we need to talk about?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

Yeah. Because when you. Yeah. When somebody says something over and over, but layers it with humor, there's something legit beneath you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, you, like, oh, you're late again.

[Kelly]

Yeah, we're not even laughing about that one anymore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's a lot of truth in that, and it hurts.

[Kelly]

Who. Who is hurt by that

[Caller]

dog?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good job, Kelly. Love you guys. This is about to get sideways. Bye.