Caller: “My Boyfriend Won’t Propose”

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show (Ramsey Network)

Episode: Caller: “My Boyfriend Won’t Propose”

Date: July 29, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode features Dr. John Delony fielding listener calls about relationships and life challenges, with an emphasis on real talk and practical advice. The main themes revolve around commitment, self-worth, personal boundaries, finding new purpose after loss, and tackling persistent habits like smoking. Dr. Delony’s candid and compassionate style is on full display as he guides callers through deeply personal dilemmas.

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Segment 1: "My Boyfriend Won’t Propose"

[00:05 – 16:47]

Key Discussion Points

• Caller Alice’s Situation:

  • Together with her boyfriend for 10 years; cohabiting for 9.
  • Boyfriend hasn’t proposed, despite repeatedly saying he planned to; she feels anxious and rejected.
  • They have a loving relationship, dogs, and a stable home—on the surface, all seems well.
  • The “marriage conversation” is a recurring but unresolved issue.

• Meaning of Marriage and Perceived Commitment:

  • Dr. Delony probes what marriage means to Alice—it represents “100% commitment” to her, but she feels they're only at “75%” now ([02:49]).
  • Alice describes it as “almost like living in a lie” because of the ongoing disconnect ([02:54]).

• The “Marriage Advantage”:

  • Dr. Delony discusses research showing legal and spiritual marriage provides tangible benefits over cohabitation:
    “Married couples… outperform cohabitating couples in everything from finance to relationship quality to sex to health outcomes. Because of that anchor point, that other 25%...” ([03:05]).

• Deeper Problem: Not Being Heard

  • Dr. Delony reframes the situation:
    “For 10 years, you've told this person that you're building a life with, ‘this thing really matters to me.’ And he has said… ‘I don’t care what you think.’” ([04:04])
  • He urges Alice to look for similar patterns in the relationship—places where what she values is ignored (e.g., wishing to move out of his daughter's house, chronic procrastination affecting their shared business).

• Unreliability and Boundaries:

  • Chronic procrastination is described as “unreliable… at a relationship level is... not trustworthy. I can't count on you.” ([07:02])
  • The only person Alice can control is herself: “Don’t choose misery on top of any decision you make.” ([07:48])
  • If accepting 75% isn’t enough, she must take action to value herself—either set boundaries or consider leaving.

• Looking to the Future:

  • Dr. Delony challenges Alice to imagine having a stark, honest conversation with her 70-year-old self about practical needs, security, and health:
    “You’re going to need a roof over your head... If he has a heart attack in three years, where do you go? Where do you live?” ([12:10])

• Financial and Legal Vulnerability:

  • Alice admits he doesn’t have a will, heightening her future insecurity; Dr. Delony stresses the importance of legal planning.

• Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments:

  • “A boundary is: if you want to be with me, here’s the path I’m asking you to walk. Otherwise, here’s what I’m going to do next.” ([10:53])
  • “For the first time, maybe in a long time, consider protecting and honoring what’s in the middle of your chest, what’s in your guts, before you go play defense and make sure everybody else’s feelings are okay. Especially at the expense of yours.” ([16:47])

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Segment 2: Career Crisis and Identity After Leaving Healthcare

[19:21 – 36:49]

Key Discussion Points

• Caller Christine’s Dilemma:

  • Left a high-level job in healthcare marketing after 15 years due to misalignment with corporate values and burnout.
  • Now struggling with purpose, identity, and financial insecurity.

• The Weight of Freedom:

  • Dr. Delony reframes her loss:
    “It sounds like you’re free. And people underestimate the weight of freedom.” ([21:23])

• Letting Go of Old Identity:

  • Christine realizes what she gained:
    “Now you found this amazing thing… a woman who knows what she cares about, and it’s untethered to job title and money.” ([22:11])

• Moving Forward:

  • Dr. Delony coaches her to shift from paralyzed overthinking to small, actionable steps:
    “You have boxed yourself into a paralyzed... If I take one more step, it's going to end up on another 10-year trajectory... Do something.” ([27:08])
  • Encourages practical action—any job, especially one that aligns with her desire to help others.

• Urgency of Financial Stability:

  • Christine is clear she needs income soon, which Dr. Delony validates as a real source of anxiety and urgency ([30:06]).

• Value and Self-Compassion:

  • Dr. Delony underscores her self-worth:
    “You didn’t fail, you won. You’ve set yourself free from a prison that’s always been locked on the inside.” ([32:15])
  • Suggests writing a letter to her future 50-year-old self, outlining the steps she takes now for a richer life ahead ([34:12]).

• Notable Quotes and Moments:

  • “You can’t give what you don’t have. So my first question to you would be, what are you doing to build yourself back up?” ([26:31])
  • “It can feel scary. It can feel terrifying. Freedom usually is. And that's why we cash in our freedom for convenience and… illusions.” ([35:26])
  • “Nothing you do next is a forever thing. I'm six and a half years into a two-year experiment.” ([36:19])

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Segment 3: Thirty Years of Trying to Quit Smoking

[39:11 – 53:19]

Key Discussion Points

• Caller Colleen’s Journey:

  • Struggled with quitting smoking for 30 years, tried “everything from deep breathing and ice baths to guided psychedelic journeys.”
  • Experienced a brief period of “miraculous” peace, but relapsed quickly.

• The Search for Root Causes:

  • Dr. Delony questions: “What does smoking do for you?” Colleen replies, “It's a vicious circle of anxiety and I can’t live without it.” ([42:47])
  • Discusses the idea that “Addiction is not sobriety. It's connection” (Johan Hari), but Colleen believes she already has deep connections ([43:09]).

• Changing the Narrative:

  • Dr. Delony explores the power of internal storytelling—how the stories we tell ourselves shape our behaviors:
    “The stories you tell yourself are so powerful… You have such a powerful storytelling machine.” ([47:56])
  • Suggests identity-based behavior change: “Try a radical approach of your new identity being, I don’t smoke. I’m a woman who doesn’t smoke.” ([52:19])

• The Reality of Addictive Patterns:

  • Nicotine is highly addictive, but much of what Colleen struggles with is her mindset and self-narrative.
  • Dr. Delony emphasizes the need for self-grace and reframing relapses as small, not total, setbacks.

• Notable Quotes:

  • “You’ve gone to a lot of boxing lessons, but you haven’t had a fight yet.” ([53:17])
  • “To the day I die, one of the hills I’ll die on is that people have the ability to change their story. When you change that identity, then you start reverse engineering with actions that affirm that new identity.” ([53:17])

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Segment 4: Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal

[56:03 – 60:13]

Key Discussion Points

• The Together App and Relationship Repair:

  • Dr. Delony and Kelly discuss how technology (the Together app) can guide couples dealing with betrayal or broken trust.
  • Emphasis on small, consistent steps: “Seven days, then another seven days, then 14 days… a roadmap for rebuilding trust brick by brick.” ([56:54])

• Responsibility in Healing:

  • Discussion of both partners’ responsibility:
    “If I choose to stay, I have responsibilities inside of this too... They can’t carry it all.” ([59:10])

• Types of Betrayal and Boundaries:

  • It’s applicable not only to infidelity, but financial or other forms of broken trust.
  • “If your spouse says, ‘I’m not doing that,’… you got to deal with that—the app can’t help you with that.” ([59:40])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Relationship Dynamics:
  “You’ve been protecting his feelings for your ten years. Definitely at the expense of yours... I want you to at least hear me say: you’re worth not shutting up.” ([16:47])

• On Life Reassessment:
  “At 41, I want you to know: we’re finally free. And let her sob on your shoulder.” ([23:01])

• On Habit Change:
  “You are a powerful internal storyteller… If the meta story you've told yourself is 'I can't', there is not a single modality on planet earth that will overcome that.” ([48:18])

• On Boundary vs Ultimatum:
  “A boundary is: if you want to be with me, here’s the path I’m asking you to walk. Otherwise, here’s what I’m going to do next.” ([10:53])

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Important Timestamps

• [00:05] – Alice begins her story (“My Boyfriend Won’t Propose”)
• [04:04] – Dr. Delony reframes the issue from marriage to not being heard
• [07:02] – Reliability and trustworthiness in relationships
• [10:53] – Boundaries vs. ultimatums
• [12:10] – Planning for the future, vulnerability without legal ties
• [16:47] – Encouragement to honor one's own needs and self-worth
• [21:23] – “You’re free” (Christine’s career crisis)
• [34:12] – The letter to future self exercise
• [39:52] – Colleen’s struggle to quit smoking
• [43:09] – Connection and addiction, Johan Hari quote
• [47:56] – The power of personal storytelling regarding habits
• [52:19] – Reframing identity: “I’m a woman who doesn’t smoke”
• [56:54] – App-based approaches to rebuilding trust in relationships

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Conclusion

This episode is a powerful exploration of what it means to value oneself, set boundaries, move through grief and loss of identity, and wage war on entrenched habits. Dr. Delony’s counsel centers around taking action, embracing emotional vulnerability, and rewriting one’s personal narrative in both relationships and individual growth. The show’s tone is direct, empathetic, and occasionally challenging—urging listeners to confront discomfort as the pathway to authenticity and healing.

Transcript

[Caller 1]

I've been with my boyfriend for 10 years. Dang. Yep. And living together for nine. He has not proposed yet. I'm feeling really anxious and extremely rejected about it, especially since last January. He actually told me he bought the ring.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Delay baloney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, right in the middle of America, taking your calls on your mental and emotional health, your marriage, your kids, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. I'd love to have you on this show if you want to be a part of it. Click the link in the show notes and fill out the form and it will send it over to Kelly and she'll get you on the show. Let's roll out to Boston and talk to Alice. Hey, Alice, what's up?

[Caller 1]

Hey. How are you?

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm doing great. How about you?

[Caller 1]

Good, thanks. Thank you so much for taking my call.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Of course.

[Caller 1]

Privilege. So I am basically a little backstory. I've been with my boyfriend for 10 years.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Dang. 10 years. All right, so 10 years together.

[Caller 1]

Yep. And living together for nine. He has not proposed yet.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Of course not. Why would he.

[Caller 1]

I know.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Why would he? He's got the greatest situation ever.

[Caller 1]

You're right. We are very much in love. We have a great life together. We have our dogs and a great place to live. And it has come up. Marriage has come up probably yearly. But I'm feeling really anxious and extremely rejected about it, especially since last January. He actually told me he bought the ring and it was in his nightstand.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Was that true?

[Caller 1]

Yes. I didn't actually look at it, but I saw the bag. Okay. Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So what. What is.

[Caller 3]

I don't know.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What does marriage mean to you?

[Caller 1]

You just.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You said you had a great life. You're getting the life that you've wanted to co create together. You're madly in love. You said you've got your dogs. Like, what does marriage mean to you? What is it? What are you missing?

[Caller 1]

It definitely means a hundred percent commitment.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. What percentage do you think you're at

[Caller 3]

right now for commitment?

[Caller 1]

I would say it's. It feels like 75%.

[Caller 3]

Because of that.

[Caller 1]

Because. Because we've been talking about it for so long, it's almost like living in a lie. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Well, I think beneath the marriage. And let me put my biases out on the table. I've done a lot of digging into the literature about this. The way you've just described this is actually be out in the literature that long Term cohabitating relationships can be fine. They can. I'll even say they can be great. But there is something the nerds call the marriage advantage. And it comes, I think, at the end of the day from an anchor point that. That married couples out. And I hate to use this language, this just feels gross, but they outperform cohabitating couples in everything from finance to relationship quality to sex to health outcomes. Because of that anchor point, that other 25, as you describe it, that was. I've never heard it put that way, but that was beautifully said. But I want to get beneath. I want to get beneath the marriage question here.

[Caller 1]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

What I want you to metabolize or wrestle with is for 10 years, you've told this person that you're building a life with. This thing really matters to me. And he has said, either through words or more importantly, through his actions, I don't care what you think.

[Caller 1]

That's heavy.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. Because it's easy to focus on marriage, marriage, marriage. It becomes a, a place to put extra energy when the real problem is in the foundation of this thing y' all are building together, which is, I really want this. And the person you're building a life with says, I, A, I don't. I don't want that, and B, I don't care that you want that.

[Caller 1]

Oh, I didn't think of it that way, but you're right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So back out of the marriage question. And sometimes I'm right on this question, and sometimes I'm completely wrong. So I've got no stake in it. I just want to try to get to some deeper truth here. Where else do you have things in your relationship that really matter to you that he says, nah, I don't care.

[Caller 1]

Oh, there's a few things. We live in an apartment in his daughter's house, and there are times when I feel like moving would be a good idea, and that's not really an option.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Hold on, hold on. It is very, very much an option. It's something he just says no to. I don't care what you think.

[Caller 1]

You're right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I don't care that you want to be a grown up and have our own place and our own nest and our own home. I don't care. This is what we're doing or this is what I'm doing.

[Caller 3]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Everything's an option. This is like the America, like in the 21st century. Not the America, but un America, one of several. Like you. Everything's an option.

[Caller 1]

You're right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What else?

[Caller 1]

So when. He is. He's an electrician. He has his own business. Okay. So I work on a very part time basis working on the books. And sometimes he's not. He doesn't follow through on paperwork type things, phone calls, certain things he needs to do. And it does affect me because I'm waiting to do that role. And so that, I guess I would call it chronic procrastination. So there's a lot of that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So chronic procrastination can be a fancy way of saying unreliable, which at a relationship level is a fancy way of saying not trustworthy. I can't count on you.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Or you care more about not doing the thing than me looking bad because I'm the one that has to take the phone calls with angry customers.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So here's the. Here's the spoiler alert. Okay. And this is really hard to hear. You can't make him do anything. The only person you can control is you.

[Caller 1]

Agreed.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And the only thing I would ask of any of us, you especially because you had the courage to call, is don't choose misery on top of any decision you make. And here's what I mean by that. If you look at the totality of your relationship. I got a guy that's man, I love him, he loves me. But man, he's unreliable. I love him, he loves me. He would rather live in his adult daughter's basement than build a home with me. I love this guy, he loves me. But he's fine at 75%. If that's. If you look at that world and you say, this is. This is. This is the bed I've made for myself and this is where I want to sleep, then what I would ask you to do is open your hands and let that other stuff go. Because choosing to focus on that is a choice to be miserable on top of the world you've decided to create for yourself. Similarly, if you decide. How old are you?

[Caller 1]

I'm 60.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm s. Okay, so you're 60. If you decide, you know what? I got 40 years left and I don't want there to be any tread left on the tires. I'm worth More than 75% of somebody's heart and mind and spirit. I'm worth having a voice in my own home. I'll call this last 10 years good, great fun. But I'm worth more than this. Then don't choose misery on top of it. Looking back over your shoulder, say, I'm worth more than this. And I'm. I'm going to go take as much action as I Can.

[Caller 1]

Is that a conversation I should be having with him?

[Dr. John Deloney]

I think he, again, all you can control is you. I always want folks to be honest in their relationship.

[Caller 1]

Definitely yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so if you're, if you find yourself getting to a point where you're ready to go or you're starting to think I'm worth more than this. Yeah, I think that's a fair thing to say. Here's the boundary. If we're not, if you're not all in on this deal after 10 years, it breaks my heart. But you're allowed to do that. A grown man. If you want to keep living in your daughter's house until, you know, you leave this earth, you're allowed to do that. You're a grown man. But as for me, I want more than that with my life. I'm worth more than that and I want more than that. I want somebody to give me 100% of themselves because I want to give 100% of myself to them.

[Caller 1]

That makes sense. And it doesn't sound like an ultimatum, which is not what I wanted to do.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, well, I mean an ultimatum is you do this or else.

[Caller 1]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

A boundary is if you want to be with me, here's the path I'm asking you to walk. Otherwise, here's what I'm going to do next.

[Caller 1]

That's pretty scary.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's very scary. Because he might call your bluff.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Or more importantly, he might reveal what your guts know about the state of your relationship, which is he is doing whatever he wants whenever he wants it and he's got a pretty awesome woman who's willing to put up with it in his daughter's basement.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And here's the. Can I throw a grenade in the middle of your lap?

[Caller 1]

Sure.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I want you to have an honest conversation, a real truth, eye opening, reality conversation with 70 year old you 10 years from now. Because you're going to have real health needs, you're going to have real security needs, you're going to need a roof over your head and lights on and heat on.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, those concerns have crossed my mind.

[Dr. John Deloney]

They shouldn't cross your mind. They should be blinking in the middle of your chest with an alarm going off because. Let's play this out. What if he has a heart attack in three years? Where do you go? Where do you live? Not in his daughter's basement anymore.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, that's.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's your financial situation? You're probably. If he has a will, you're not a part of it. You're not even his wife.

[Caller 1]

Oh, he doesn't even have a will.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. And my, one of my best friends on the planet, his name is John, he said the only reason to not have a will is if you hate your wife and kids. That's a, I didn't have one years ago. And he's like, oh man, that's, that's what he told me. And I got one within the week. I was like, oh my gosh, you're right. You know what I mean?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, that's really important.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What a dismissive, irresponsible, irresponsible, unloving thing to do is to not have a

[Caller 3]

will

[Dr. John Deloney]

that is a middle finger in the face of those that you're going to leave behind.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, yeah, that's definitely something that needs to happen.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But, but here's the thing. It's not going to, you know this, I know this. You know what I mean?

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I mean, so I'm not saying you have to play this out. Maybe you have to leave his business and go get a full time job because you need to get some money in retirement asap.

[Caller 1]

I definitely have a full time job.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller 1]

Yeah. I'm just doing that on the side. I work for myself actually.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Do you have money in retirement?

[Caller 1]

Yes, a little bit. Not so while I was married, we were broke the entire time. So since I have left, I've been able to save money, but I had a very late start.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. And so this is just a way to look at 70 year old you and 80 year old you and say what must I do at 60 to make sure my entire well being is not outsourced to some government entity? Because I'm gonna have to.

[Caller 1]

Very good.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm have to cross my fingers on that.

[Caller 1]

Very good advice. I appreciate that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, I know. That's on top of what should I do about feeling rejected. You know, I, I, I, I get that. But all of this, let me paint you a full picture. All of this is why I'm such a proponent, such a biased proponent of illegal and spiritually bound marriage. Because that's somebody saying you are now my responsibility till one or both of us dies. And vice versa. I'm going to do whatever I can to be well so that I can spend the rest of my days giving myself fully over to you and vice versa.

[Caller 1]

Yeah. I mean in general, the, the whole lifestyle is, is that we have is, is always, it's, it hasn't gone that, that forward and it should.

[Caller 3]

Especially the world you've painted me is,

[Dr. John Deloney]

reminds me very much of my college students.

[Caller 3]

Why is that just a Guy who

[Dr. John Deloney]

found a place to live and he's got a job that he's okay at, pretty good at. Sometimes when he's there and his girlfriend

[Caller 1]

moves in, I feel bad that I painted that picture.

[Dr. John Deloney]

No, don't feel bad. He might be crushing it in his job. Right? Like, he may be really an outstanding electrician, doing good, all that stuff. Yeah, but here's the thing. You've been protecting his feelings for your 10 years. Definitely at the expense of yours. You don't even like me saying the truth of what you know it.

[Caller 3]

I know, you're right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You know, like that's hard for you to hear. And so when you say I want this, and he's like, ah, you think, yeah, I should probably just shut up.

[Caller 1]

Right?

[Dr. John Deloney]

And if you get nothing off this call, I want you to like at least hear me say you're worth not shutting up. And at the most, I want you to have a conversation with 70 year old you with 80 year old you and listen to them plead with you to not shut up, to let your voice be heard, to like what you want, to be put on the table and be received with open arms because this person loves you and wants to build a life with you. You're worth that. Thank you so much for being brave and thank you so much for the call. I'm really, really grateful. For the first time, maybe in a long time. Consider protecting and honoring what's in the middle of your chest, what's in your guts before you go play defense and make sure everybody else's feelings are okay. Especially at the expense of yours. Thanks for the call. We come back. A woman asks how to find purpose and direction after leaving her decade long career. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney for Hallow. Listen, what could you accomplish in 90 days? You can get in shape, you can lose weight, you could change your marriage, you could play games with your kids and change your relationship with them. You can do so much in three months, 90 days. And I want you to try Hallow for 90 days for free. Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world. And it's one of the most important things I do almost every day of my life to start my day. It helps me anchor myself in my faith. It helps me slow down and prioritize what actually matters in my life before the whole world takes all of my attention from me. Hal's going to give you 90 days for free for you to try out the same. Help you build a habit of reflection and A habit of prayer. Hallow is simple and guided and it meets you right where you are. To help you anchor your faith, practice with daily reflections, scripture, music, special series, and most importantly, peace. Ask yourself, who do you want to be 90 days from now? If you want more peace, if you want to be more grounded in your faith, or if you want to answer some big faith questions, give Hallow a try again. You can try Hallow for free for 90 [e-mail] DeLoney that's three months for [e-mail] DeLoney all right, let's go to Dallas, Texas and talk to Christine. Hey Christine. What's up?

[Caller 1]

Hi.

[Caller 2]

How are you? Dr. John?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Doing great. How about you?

[Caller 2]

I'm good, thank you for asking.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's up?

[Caller 2]

Okay. So I sat here and tried to realize how I can break this down without being long winded. So I'll just get into it. My question is, how do I move forward with my life after realizing I've spent years in a system that no longer aligns with my values? And I also realized saying that sounds like I'm leaving a high demand religion, but I'm really talking about my career.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You're, you're, you're. Tell me more. Tell me more.

[Caller 2]

So I'm 41 years old. I'm a nurse by trade. I've been in healthcare for 15 years. You know, I started as a CNA, then was a nurse. About 12 years ago, I was given an opportunity to go to the dark side, which is healthcare marketing. And I excelled in it. I spent the last decade climbing the corporate ladder and found myself in a VP position. I never personally have been like this corporate mold person. I've always leaned into my own authenticity, which is why coaching and developing my teams was such a source of joy for me about six months ago. And this wasn't just six months ago, it was a buildup. But about six months ago, I made the decision to leave after voicing concerns of patient safety, employee burnout, and just the need for general culture to be a priority. And I was met with pushback by ownership just over and over, politics, over accountability. And I became the scapegoat and a target. And I just grew more to realize that my values no longer align with this corporate culture that I'm a part of. And now I don't know if I'm depressed, if I'm afraid to move forward, if I don't, I kind of feel lost.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh man. The way you told that story, you sounds like the last 10 years have been an extraordinary journey for you. And the way you told that story, it sounds like you're free.

[Caller 2]

Oh yeah?

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Like. And I think people underestimate the weight of freedom. You know what I mean?

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Caller 2]

I've always been such a high achieving, ambitious person and I, I feel lost now. Like it was all for nothing.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It was for everything. Because you know what you found? You found yourself finally.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And she was hidden this whole time behind the next thing you needed to get to and the next certificate you that was going to finally let you take a deep breath and the next raise and paycheck and direct deposit that was going to finally solve you.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Now you found this amazing thing that few people ever find anymore. And that is a woman who knows what she cares about. And it's untethered to job title and money.

[Caller 2]

Well, and that's the thing is I cared so much about my job title and how much I made and I just don't anymore.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. So forgive 28 year old you for. You know what I mean? Like in 28 year old you was doing exactly what she was trained to do. Have some grace for her.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Caller 3]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

The same is like if 16 year old you snuck some drinks one time and made bad choices. Right. How old are you now?

[Caller 3]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

41. Yeah. You told me that you could look back on 16 year old you at 40 and say she was a kid, she made dumb choices, put herself in wild like, like I got some compatible. You would hug 16 year old you in the same way hug 32 year old you, 33 year old you, that exhausted fried woman who put off other things she wanted in her life to chase this thing that everyone said once you get it, it will finally solve and fix and heal you. Go hug her and say, hey, at 41, I want you to know we're finally free and let her sob on your shoulder.

[Caller 2]

But then it's finding that, that piece of me that was always able to move forward and figure it out. I kind of feel lost in that now.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You're trying to solve an emotional problem with your thinking.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So let me ask you one question. When anyone asks me privately behind closed doors, jillionaires ask me this question. Really famous people ask me this question. Successful people ask me this question. And I'll give you the same.

[Caller 3]

I'll.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'll ask you the same question I ask every one of them. Okay. Not forever, but today, tomorrow, who do you want to help?

[Caller 3]

Oh gosh.

[Caller 2]

I, I still go back to people. Like I still want to, I still want to. I want to Help others become the better, the best versions of themselves, period.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Just let that sit for a second. Now, the work is, were you training people and loving people and supporting people on the illusion track you are on?

[Caller 2]

Absolutely not. That's the problem.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. Amazing. So now the only question, here's the thing. If you went and worked at Arby's today, if you went and decided, you know what, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go back into hospital administration and I'm gonna throw myself in the gears of this thing, I've decided this is the hill I'm gonna die on. But I will make a change for the nurses that come after. Because if I make a change for the nurses, I'm going to make a change for the exhausted, fried, scared to death families that are going to walk in our, in our hospitals. Or if you decided to start a lawn care company today, you are somebody who cares about other people. What, whatever, whatever, like outfit you have to put on to go do that, whatever costume you have to wear, whatever uniform you have to wear, whatever job title you can have, who cares?

[Caller 1]

You know,

[Caller 2]

I know this. You know what I mean? Like, I again logically know this. I just don't want to be stuck in this feeling forever. Like, like, because it's almost made, it's almost left me with a feeling of what's wrong with me that I want to, I just want to help build others up.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But there's two, two things to this. Number one, you can't give what you don't have. So my first question to you would be, what are you doing to build yourself back up?

[Caller 1]

Oh,

[Dr. John Deloney]

that's physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally. What are the action steps you're taking on a day to day basis so that you can refill your picture so you can spend the rest of your life doing what you were put on this planet to do, which is to fill everybody else's water glasses.

[Caller 2]

I think that's the real question. What, what, what should I be doing, John?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Well, I mean that goes to the second thing. Can, can I, I, I learned this from Michael Easter. It's one of the greatest one word answers ever. You know what? You should do something.

[Caller 2]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You have boxed yourself into a paralyzed. Right or wrong. If I take one more step, it's going to end up on another 10 year trajectory of fill in the blank.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Caller 3]

Wow.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And then you try to drag 10 years problems that are imaginary and not real yet back in to your body today for them to solve it, and it can't.

[Caller 3]

It's too much and it's not even exactly what's happening.

[Caller 2]

That's exactly what's happening.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. So you know we're going to do something. What does that mean? Do you still have your. Your nurse's license?

[Caller 1]

Oh, of course.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, then go get a job tomorrow. Go plug pick lines in for six months. Spend an extra 30 seconds smiling at a scared mom,

[Caller 1]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

And ask yourself if the system is worth saving or was it just that you got burned by a couple of unethical, immoral leaders. But actually, every system on the planet has problems.

[Caller 2]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

You get what I'm saying? And I just made that up. Go. Go to Starbucks and. And start working tomorrow, okay? And look at the. The line of exhausted men and women coming in and smile at them and just say, I'm glad you're here.

[Caller 2]

Okay. Yeah, you're right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's. You're not going to think your way through a feeling. The way to disprove a feeling in your body is to take action and let it experience other feelings. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller 2]

It's so simple, but it sounds so hard at the same time.

[Caller 1]

I know.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, I completely understand.

[Dr. John Deloney]

A feeling is just your body trying to get your attention. And so if you think. Try to think it away, it's going to keep trying to get your attention, but I'm going to go do something else. Do something different. I'm going to feel different things. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller 2]

Yeah, Yeah, I do. I do. Thank you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Can I ask you two reality questions?

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's the state of your finances right now?

[Caller 1]

Well, they were.

[Caller 2]

They were.

[Caller 1]

They were good.

[Caller 2]

And it's been six months, so now they're not so good anymore.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, what does that mean?

[Caller 2]

It means I need to get a job tomorrow.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. But what does it mean on paper?

[Caller 2]

I'm struggling at this point.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, what does that mean?

[Caller 2]

It means I have no money at this point.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. Are you in danger of losing your house?

[Caller 2]

Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. Are you having to pick which bill to pay and not pay each month?

[Caller 2]

Yes.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. Your body would be failing you if it wasn't sounding every alarm it has right now. Okay. Here. And here's why I said that your body's working perfectly. It's trying to love you. Well, It's not the enemy. You're not the enemy of you.

[Caller 2]

I just feel like a failure.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know. What do you think you failed?

[Caller 1]

Myself.

[Caller 2]

I don't know. I put so much of my own identity into my job, which I know

[Caller 1]

isn't healthy, but I have it Was

[Caller 2]

for so long a sense of joy and accomplishment that I didn't have in

[Caller 1]

my life because I knew I was

[Caller 2]

doing something, I was getting that I, when people are telling you that you're doing a good job, you know your team is happy with what you're doing.

[Caller 1]

It just was a sense of joy

[Caller 2]

that I wasn't getting for a long, long time.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. And do you see now in the rearview mirror how that was an outsourcing? Absolutely.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Caller 1]

And of course, in the moment, I

[Caller 3]

knew it was, but yeah, yeah, we

[Dr. John Deloney]

all, we all do. And dude, I've been there, man. I called it my wall of plaques. Like, I, you know what I would do for another plaque on my wall? Anything. Anything. You know what I do for an extra thousand dollar raise? Anything. Right. It wasn't even about the money. It was about, I, like, one more little notch that I had some sort of value.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But I, I'm not saying this, just, I'm not just throwing words at you. You didn't fail, you won. You've set yourself free from a prison that's always been locked on the inside. You said, eventually, I'm worth more than this. We are all collectively worth more than this. And they burn you to the ground for it. And in the same way, the external praise was never really real. The external criticism isn't real either.

[Caller 2]

Oh, wow. Yeah, I sat on that for a second. Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's all a shadow. It's all a shadow. The question is, can you look yourself in the mirror and put your fist in your chest and say, I love this woman?

[Caller 2]

I think I can.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. If you can't, I've been there. And I want you to go sit down and talk to somebody. I'll give you three months of better help for free for somebody to call today. Okay.

[Caller 1]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Because I know finances are tight.

[Caller 1]

Thank you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But after you get your feet underneath you, I want you to go sit down with somebody in person. Unwinding identity is hard. It's hard, hard, hard. But it's not a thing you think yourself towards.

[Caller 2]

Yeah,

[Dr. John Deloney]

I, I, I've told a few people this recently on the show. I'll tell you this too. Tonight or this morning, this afternoon, I want you to write a letter to a 50 year old you.

[Caller 2]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I want you to tell her the things that you did when you stood up and dusted yourself off at 41 so that she could have the amazing life she has.

[Caller 1]

I'll do that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I want you to think amazing life, bigger than square footage and dollar amount. There is a financial reality you've got to meet. Right. But.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I want you to give that woman peace. You've never had that.

[Caller 2]

No.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I want you to give that woman laughter and warmth and friends. Someone to go on dates with and make out with. Ew. Right. I want you to like, what do you have to invest in now? Well, 50 year old, you know how to dance? Will she know jiu jitsu? Will she be a. Run a marathon by like, what. What life are you going to give her?

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Because you are officially free from the burden and the shackles of performance.

[Caller 2]

And you're also amazing.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. And just. Just because it doesn't feel amazing doesn't mean it isn't amazing.

[Caller 2]

Right?

[Caller 3]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It can feel scary. It can feel terrifying. Freedom usually is. And that's why we cash in our freedom for convenience and we. And illusions and whatever. Because it's scary.

[Caller 3]

It's.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's heavy. It's a responsibility. But I bet you could have a job within 24 hours. Is that fair?

[Caller 1]

I.

[Caller 2]

100. Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. Give it 30 days. Put 30 days on the calendar. And if you find yourself getting buried again, you find those old demons coming back, you find you can't sleep again, you're getting anxious again, put in your two week notice and walk out the door. Okay. Nothing you do next is a forever thing.

[Caller 1]

Okay. Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm six and a half years into a two year experiment.

[Caller 3]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Like it just is. I'm really, really honored that you called.

[Caller 2]

Thank you. Thank you so much, Dr. John.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You're a good woman.

[Caller 3]

Thank you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I'm glad you. The hill you died on was on behalf of people working for you and with you and those patients who are scared to death bringing hurting kids into your hospital. Thank you for that.

[Caller 2]

Thank you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Because one day, that's me bringing my daughter in. That's me bringing my son in. And I. I want someone like you that cares enough to say, we're going to treat these people differently. We're going to treat the people taking care of them differently. Thank you for that.

[Caller 2]

Thank you for saying that. Thank you for what you do.

[Dr. John Deloney]

No, thank you. And tomorrow, if a burly, mean, tattooed up Texan walks into your hospital, jab him a little bit harder and just say, that's for you, Deloney. That's what you get. Appreciate the call, sister. We come back, a woman asks how to quit smoking when she's tried everything and spent years on a healing journey. We'll be right back. All right. This drives me bonkers. But our culture has made being Exhausted. Something to be proud of. People brag about how busy they are, how little sleep they get and how exhausted they always feel. Being tired is not a flex. You know what's a flex? Getting good sleep. And good sleep starts with a great mattress. And that's why I love mattresses from Helix Sleep. Helix is not just a show sponsor for me. I love them. My kids sleep on Helix, I sleep on Helix. Even my extended family members and friends, they're all starting to sleep on Helix mattresses because I won't shut up talking about them even in my private life when the cameras and the microphones are off. Imagine if the people who made your pants made just one pair of pants for everyone, regardless of size fit. That's what companies do with mattresses. They just make one and they ship them out to everybody. Helix doesn't do that. Helix builds mattresses just for you and how you sleep. Just get online and take their sleep quiz. It takes like two minutes and they're going to match you with the right mattress from more than 20 different models designed for different sleep styles. And if you're a hot sleeper during these summer months, they've got cooling upgrades too. Go to helix sleep.com Deloney for their best of web and you'll get the biggest savings right now, 27% off site wide. That's 27% off. Exclusively for my audience right now. Go to helix sleep.com Deloney with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. All right, let's go out to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and talk to Colleen. Hey Colleen, what's up?

[Caller 3]

Hey, Dr. John, good morning. How are you?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Good morning. How are you?

[Caller 3]

I am well.

[Caller 1]

Can I just say before we go

[Caller 3]

into this, I want to thank you on behalf of all adhders in the world that you are speaking the language of our people on a regular basis.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I am your leader, colleague.

[Caller 3]

I can follow perfectly well. Thank you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I appreciate that.

[Caller 3]

So I'm 50 years old and I for the better part of 30 years have been. Well, at first it was trying to quit smoking and then somewhere in my 40s I had this epiphany that perhaps I should put a positive spin on it and I should be healing and seeking freedom and etc.

[Caller 1]

Etc.

[Caller 3]

I have done everything from deep breathing and ice baths to. I mean I went as far as guided psychedelic journey with a heroic dose. So I've done every. They also that soup of therapies. I've done everything and I did have one very brief but successful smoke free three whole days. But it wasn't just that. It was, it was nothing short of miraculous and it was euphoric. And it's the only way I can describe it. It was. I was literally touched by the hand of God and had the Lord's perfect peace over me for three solid days. What happened on day four, oddly enough, I was in church. I was silently crying in the back of the church, thanking God for this miracle that, you know, I wasn't living on cloud nine. I was still living in reality. But it was just. I knew things could happen, but I could handle them and everything was great. And I was in just such awe of this beautiful experience. And I got home from church and I explained to. Whenever I was being screened for the call, I explained that I've always described smoking for me like a toothache that never goes away. And those three days, it was like, not only did it get an antibiotic, but the dentist took care of it and it was beautiful. And then all of a sudden the toothache was back. And from like 11:30 noon that Sunday after church until about 8:00 that night, I did everything from this quit program that I had learned. And it was a CBT based quit program. And it was very profoundly helpful. It was like reverse engineering what I had learned to program into me to smoke. It was brilliant. And it was the first time I was ever really hopeful that this could be, you know, an easy experience and be happy about it. And I truly was. And by 8 o' clock that night, everything that I had done was just like, I'm just going to buy a pack of cigarettes. And that's what I did.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So what is, what is. So let me say at the outset, I am so far from an expert on this.

[Caller 3]

Okay, okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

The, the most, like, what I would call, like the word I would use is wild, which is not helpful. The most ardent smokers I know who stopped smoking swear by a few things and I'll pass those along to you. Okay, but you've gotten enough of that advice over the last 30 years that I'll just be putting it another couple of things in the wheelbarrow. Right. The real question I want to ask you is what does smoking do for you?

[Caller 3]

It's a vicious circle of anxiety and I can't live without it. I mean, that, that's Merry go Round I've been on for years.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's a, that was like a really dramatic way of saying what, what does it give you? Peace?

[Caller 3]

No. Anxiety.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Smoking doesn't give you anxiety.

[Caller 3]

Something gives. Well, let me say this. I actually put this in my My email to you all. I heard a quote somewhere in my 40s. I don't know who said it, but it's the positive. Addiction is not sobriety. It's connection. And that's when I was like, wow, that's. That's really swimming in my head. Like, that just resonated. But I didn't know what the connection was to. So that's what started me on this very different, you know. You know, CBT and IFS and EMDR and the Alphabet soup of that quote

[Dr. John Deloney]

is from Johan Hari. And he wrote a phenomenal book called Lost Connections, which is. It's an extraordinary book. There's been some clinical pushback to that, like that statement. I. I like it. And also, it doesn't solve every problem. Right. So it's one of those. It's a great new lens to look at addiction, but I think underneath it is reframing addiction as. Not the problem. Addiction. Solving a problem.

[Caller 3]

Right. And for the life of me, I'm not sure what that is.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, so let's back all the way out.

[Caller 3]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. Even if what Johann Hari said is 100 accurate, that addiction is a lack of connection, you haven't sought connection. You've sought a whole bunch of different modalities. Like you went on yet another adventure to not make close personal friends who love you and let you see and let you feel seen and known and celebrated.

[Caller 3]

I have that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. If you got that. Great.

[Caller 3]

Thousands. Yeah, I'm very, very blessed with family, with. I don't know, I've got six wells better than none.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, thousands is a lot. You can hide in a crowd of a thousand. You can't hide in a crowd of three.

[Caller 3]

No. And it's not thousands, of course, being facetious, but I. I don't have just a handful of great friends. I have multiple. Multiple handles of great friends, good family, etc.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, so let's assume then for you, smoking is not about not being connected.

[Caller 3]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What if. And I'm over my skis here.

[Caller 3]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'll phrase it this way. When somebody calls and says, I can't, like, I yell at my kids all the time and I want to stop. And so I'm going to see a therapist to figure out where the yelling started in my life. And yada, I always tell them to stop. Like, stop that adventure for a second. Don't ever yell at your kids again. Do whatever you have to do. Figuring out where the yelling comes from, that's important. We'll get there. But the yelling at your kids has to stop now. Today, walk out the front door, smash yourself with a hammer, Go set your hair on fire. I don't care what you have to do, don't yell at your kids. And what I find almost always is people will go, okay, because you know what? They don't yell at their boss, and they don't yell at their grandmother. They have the ability to do that thing, that really hard thing. They just have to shift the context.

[Caller 3]

Okay, well, I've done that very thing, too, with the yelling. That was me for a long time, and I did manage to tackle that. And I never set my hair on fire. I hit myself with a hammer.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Of course. Don't do either of those things. Don't do either of those things.

[Caller 3]

Way easier than I expected it to be.

[Dr. John Deloney]

The most common thing I hear from successful people like yourself who want to quit smoking is Alan Carr's book.

[Caller 3]

I've read that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. That's been the most successful thing I've heard. And I've had some. A few friends who've done the hero's dose, and they don't touch alcohol or cigarettes or anything anymore.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Caller 3]

Do I have, like, some kind of chemical block in my brain or something that's. I'm just at a loss? Like, how does this work for so many people? And I had this amazing experience and then lost it. And I even went and repeated the program. But, of course, at that point, I was. I fully admit I was very hesitant and unsure of myself at that point. Like, I failed this.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Caller 3]

In the meantime, I did do it, and I, for a long time, didn't focus on that part of it. I was more focused on. I went back, I went back, I went back, I did it again. Well, if you kind of pulled myself out of that loop, but.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, but you keep putting yourself back. The stories you tell yourself are so powerful.

[Caller 3]

Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Like, so powerful about just how the world is. I can tell by how you talk. Like, you have such a powerful storytelling machine. Every human being is a storytelling. That's who we are. I tell stories for living. That's my job. Right, but you are a powerful internal storyteller.

[Caller 1]

Yes.

[Caller 3]

A plus.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so if. If ultimately the. The meta story you've told yourself is. I can't. And there is not a single modality on planet Earth that will overcome that period.

[Caller 3]

Okay. I feel like I'm doing okay. And then I do revert back to that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know, but you. You live in such binary. Either or I'm the greatest ever or I'm the worst ever, and that's My story, and I'm sticking to it. You have no capacity for grace for yourself.

[Caller 3]

Well, it's very small, whatever it is, because it comes in very small doses. And then I'm again right back on the spiral.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, but you, after three blissful days in a really hard Sunday, could have had a cigarette, two cigarettes, four cigarettes at 8 o' clock, and got up at 5:30 the next morning and said, you know what? For the last five days, last four days, I've only had four cigarettes. What a freaking win.

[Caller 3]

Yeah, totally didn't do that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

No, you smoked half a pack. And you said again, like confirmation, I can't do this. I'm a loser. I'm always going to have a problem with this. And you went to bed and got up and woke up next morning and started smoking again. So it, it's so much of it depends on the framing, the stories that you're telling yourself.

[Caller 3]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But at the end of the day, if, yes, it's a. Nicotine is a world class addictive substance. Hello, pot. This is pot talking to kettle here. It's good, right? Um, and so if, if you've made the move to Zens and Alps and whatever, pouches and sprays and whatever and patches and none of that's worked, then I don't think it's a chemical thing.

[Caller 3]

No. Oh no, it's. And when I did quit, like the program explained, three to five days, you know, all nicotine should be out of your system. And explained about the withdrawals. I had absolutely no withdrawals. You did on Sunday and I did. I had a mental one on Sunday. The physicality part of it was fine.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know you spending energy telling yourself the, oh, this is a mental one, this is a body one, this is a gut one. You're just, it just goes back to like, don't yell at your kids.

[Caller 3]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Does that make sense?

[Caller 3]

Okay, yes, yes, that does. Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And. But no, you've tried everything on the planet I would have told you to try. And at some point I'd sit down with a physician and say, what's next? I wouldn't give up the surge.

[Caller 3]

No, I definitely, I definitely am not. It's just a matter of, you know, like, I questioned some of the modalities that I've used. Even like, EMDR was helpful in the moment, but I didn't really feel like it. You know, it helped me with the instance we worked on the EMDR with, but never really got to the root cause of, you know, why I still have these thoughts or why I can't get over them.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Sure.

[Caller 3]

I move, you know, move forward in a progressive fashion with this particular vice. And I just firmly believe that this one vice, when I conquer this, I will conquer the world. And I know I can conquer the world. Conquer the world. Now it's just a matter of convincing my. But my subconscious or my unconscious brain of that Whatever, whatever the story is that I'm repeatedly telling myself. I need to tell myself a new story.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. And I would spend. This goes counter to what I normally tell people. I would actually recommend spending less time in your subconscious right now. Like, try a radical approach of your new identity being, I don't smoke.

[Caller 1]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm a woman who doesn't smoke. And the new. I'm almost thinking of like James Clear's like, I'll buy a pack of cigarettes and I'll smoke one. I'm throw it away. The same as when he's telling people to who want to lose weight and start getting in shape. Just for the first two weeks, three weeks, four weeks, drive to the gym and sit in the parking lot for five minutes and go home. Because your new identity is. I'm a guy who drives to the gym. We're going to change this thing a little bit at a time.

[Caller 3]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm a woman who just smokes one cigarette per pack. That's who I am. And you're going to get really pissed off really quick because that's a lot of money you're gonna be throwing away.

[Caller 3]

Oh. I mean, I've spent thousands to quit while still smoking and spending thousands. So it's. I mean, you know, I was. I shudder to think if I totaled that up over, you know, 30.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, don't do that.

[Caller 3]

Really, really, really angry.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You'd be a multi millionaire. That's right. I. I mean, at the end of the day, you've done. You've gone to a lot of boxing lessons, but you haven't had a fight yet. You've done a ton of modalities. You've learned about a lot of stuff. You've circled the wagon on so many things. And all of this has still managed to avoid the story you tell yourself when you look in the mirror. I'm a woman who. I'm a woman who is. And to the day I die. One of the hills I'll die on is that people have the ability to change their story. When you change that identity, then you start reverse engineering with actions that affirm that new identity. And you. Sometimes you got to get radical. I have no access to my money. The first six months, I have no access to my car keys. I can't drive to the store. I don't have my. I have a flip phone now, so I can't even order, like, cigarettes on delivery. I'll go to the ends of the earth and it's going to be a miserable one week, two week, four weeks, six weeks. But I want to quit this thing because I'm not a woman who does x, y or z. But you're putting in the work. I applaud you for keeping going. Don't give up. Don't give up. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Health. Summer's a time when people escape. Whether it's relaxing, going on vacation. We've all been sold this lie that if we could just get away from it all, everything will magically work itself out when we return. Here's the thing. A vacation won't fix what you won't face. If you're anxious, burned out, or struggling, these problems will be waiting for you when you get home. And this is why I recommend Better Help. Better Help is an online therapy platform that fits into your life. You can talk with a licensed therapist by phone, video, or messaging from anywhere. No commuting, no sitting in a waiting room. Just a safe place to process what's actually going on in your life. And all of Better Helps Therapist. Follow a strict code of conduct. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the app. If it's not the right fit, you can switch anytime for no extra cost this summer. Don't ignore what's coming to the surface. Sometimes the strongest thing you can do is stop running from it and start dealing with it. Go to betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, we're back. Kelly, let's talk more about the app. Yeah, you know me.

[Kelly]

Yes. For those that don't know what he's talking about when he says that we're talking about the Together app.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I think everybody knows.

[Kelly]

Everyone should.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yes, but I'm naughty by nature.

[Kelly]

Yes, we're moving right on past that. This one's a little deeper. This question I have, you know, usually we talk about kind of the make your spouse a cup of coffee, write a note, people that are just disconnected or they're feeling a little more like roommates or that kind of thing. So we, you know, our bread and butter on the show is people been cheated on or something's happened that's blowed up their marriage. So this is a step farther than just the we don't talk like we used to. When you have somebody that there's been a breach in trust, how can something like this help them?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Actually, we're working on some very specific tracks inside of this thing. I think all of us were caught off guard by the number of people who buy this app and report they're dealing with some sort of. Betrayal is the word that we use inside the app. But it first, in some way, their spouses betrayed their trust. And so moving forward, I think there's a couple of things and it feels so big, right? You find out your spouse cheated on you, you found out your spouse has a secret whatever, or a pass or they didn't tell you about whatever. It feels so big. And so it's hard to see what's a path through this. The first path is always asking yourself, do you want to stay? And if you do, what most people don't realize is if I choose to stay, I have responsibilities inside of this too. And it's easy when somebody betrays you that they need to carry it all, they can't. That you're going to get out of the boat, y' all share that they just blew up and you're gonna cross your arms and watch as they row and see how fast they row. They're going to get better at rowing. But you're not. Your relationship isn't going to rebuild. And so the first thing you have to ask yourself is, do you want to stay in this thing? And if you do, then in the app we have bite sized chunks of seven days and then seven days and then 14 days of what must be true for me to reestablish trust or you to reestablish trust with me. And it's a roadmap for rebuilding trust. And we're going to walk through that thing together and on a daily basis we're going to have that conversation. How can I trust you today? How can I love you today? And it's going to be a practice and at the end of that and it's not always going to feel a certain way. That's why the app is so important. It's not always going to feel like you're, I can trust you yet. But you did all the things I asked yesterday. We're going to get up and go again today, we're going to get up and go again tomorrow. And what's going to happen is you're going to lay a new foundation brick by Brick. And you're going to look up in six months and there's going to be an entire foundation and half of a wall built to this new marriage you're rebuilding. So it's hard, but it's a step by step process. The, the biggest challenges I see people run into is a, they lay down a, here's what must be true. You cheated on me. Here's what must be true for you to re establish trust. And your spouse says, I'm not doing that. I'm not giving you my cell phone. I'm not going to quit that job where that woman still works there. Like, and you got to deal with that app can't help you with that.

[Caller 1]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Or like I said, you want your spouse to have to participate in everything. And you don't wanna, you wanna put that affair in your back pocket, that pornography addiction in your back pocket and hold it like an ace of spades. And the app walks you through exercises to tear that ace of spades up. If you say you're back in, you got work to do also. Is that helpful?

[Kelly]

Yeah, it is. And I think that applies also. I can see it applying to not just like breaks it in fidelity, like infidelity type things.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, financial infidelity.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Job loss, whatever.

[Kelly]

It.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Big lack of respect.

[Kelly]

Yeah, I can see that being helpful. And the hard part of that is the work that you have to do. Like yourself. That's the, I mean, it's a hard part on the other person's too. But yeah, it's really easy to just stand there and go, you do the work. And I may be speaking from personal experience on this one. Maybe like, you do the work and let me know when you're done, when you're better, when you've fixed it, and then I'll participate.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Exactly. We both got to work on it together. And that's never fun.

[Caller 3]

Bye.