Caller: “My Husband Is a Selfish Lover”

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show – Episode Summary

Episode Title: Caller: “My Husband Is a Selfish Lover”
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)
Date: July 27, 2026

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Episode Overview

Dr. John Delony hosts a listener call-in episode, tackling real concerns about relationships and mental health. The key theme of this episode centers on intimacy, safety, and marital connection, beginning with Destiny’s candid struggle about her husband’s selfishness in the bedroom and expanding into deeper discussions on motivation, relationship dynamics, trauma, and healing. The episode is grounded in Dr. Delony's compassionate but direct approach, engaging several callers facing marital or personal growth challenges.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. "My Husband Is a Selfish Lover" – Destiny’s Story

Caller: Destiny [00:05]

• Summary: Destiny, married for over 17 years, expresses frustration that her husband is sexually selfish and uninvested in her needs, despite repeated conversations.
  • "My husband is a very selfish lover. I don't know how to get my sexual needs met and to get him invested in that." – Destiny [00:05]
  • Example: Husband buys sex toys ostensibly for her, but really for his own enjoyment.
• Dr. Delony’s Initial Take:
  • "You cannot motivate somebody to not be an ass. If he's an ass, he's an ass." – Dr. John Delony [02:36]
  • Delony emphasizes clarity: Frame desires as 'wants' not just 'needs,' and openly communicate them.
  • "If you say, 'I want you to do the following things...' and he says, 'No,' then the grief is, I'm married to someone who doesn't care about me." [03:58]
• Underlying Issue:
  • Selfishness is not limited to the bedroom—Destiny notes selfishness in many areas of marital life. [05:49]
  • Delony links slow sexual response for spouses to lack of emotional connection outside the bedroom.
  • "There's almost a direct correlation between emotional connectivity outside the bedroom and the length of time it takes me to orgasm inside the bedroom." – Dr. John Delony [05:50]
• Marriage Dynamics:
  • Destiny and her husband disagree on many fundamentals: parenting, finances, division of labor.
  • Current state: “Just surviving our kids and then looking at it again after they are out of the house.” – Destiny [09:51]
  • Delony warns against living in "survival mode": "I wouldn't wish survival on anybody." [10:07]
• Deeper Issues—Safety and Past Anger:
  • Destiny shares about her husband’s past anger issues (throwing objects, scaring kids), therapy, current ongoing anxiety in the household.
  • "Anytime we know that he's going to be upset... we're on eggshells." – Destiny [11:49]
  • Delony: “You can’t live like this… you’re having to choose your scary.” [14:10]

Notable Advice / Quotes:

• "I don't want a life that I have to manage... I want my home to be my safest place on the planet." – Dr. John Delony [15:39]
• "The only person you can control is you. At the end of the day, you're just in a tough situation. Every path you have is challenging…" [17:15]

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2. Trauma, Intimacy, and Worry About Divorce

Caller: Samantha [22:48]

• Summary: Samantha calls in with persistent anxiety about her marriage ending, despite being happily married; reveals a childhood marred by abuse, neglect, and being adopted.
• Delony’s Insight:
  • Links her chronic worry—especially about abandonment—to childhood trauma.
  • "Your body is just doing what it knows, and that is to protect you." – Dr. John Delony [32:43]
  • The things that kept her safe as a child (vigilance, worry) now undermine adult relationships.
• Physical Intimacy Discomfort:
  • Samantha struggles with physical affection (holding hands, hugging, sex).
  • Delony urges trauma therapy: “When touch gets weaponized with abuse, it disconnects you from yourself.” [28:52]
• Practical Tips:
  • For non-trauma-based struggles (like giving affirming words), Delony suggests concrete steps: set three daily alarms to say something nice to her husband. [30:49]
• Advice on Healing:
  • “Practice feeling anxious and taking it anyway... Over time, your body learns: I wasn't safe then, but I am safe now.” [31:52]

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3. Contempt, Judgment, and Rebuilding Trust in Marriage

Caller: Jenny [36:47]

• Summary: Jenny is troubled by her constant critical attitude toward her husband, despite knowing he’s a fundamentally good person. Two significant betrayals—infidelity and inappropriate behavior at work—still color her perceptions.
• Dr. Delony’s Perspective:
  • Judgment is a form of self-protection: "Judgment protects us. It creates psychological space." [37:48]
  • Challenges the idea of ‘should have forgiven by now’—healing and forgiveness are active processes.
  • Encourages actions over thoughts for changing contempt: “Our attitudes when it comes to judgment are almost always changed through action, not through just trying to think harder about something.” [45:33]
• Action Steps:
  • Six weeks of intentional acts of kindness towards her husband.
  • Small daily gestures (making coffee, giving a hug, leaving notes).
  • Openly acknowledge critical behavior: “Maybe start [apologizing for criticism] tonight.” [47:39]
  • Both partners contribute to a new marriage dynamic; co-write the “house rules” for love and respect. [49:51]
• Reflection:
  • Is she the spouse she wishes to be? “Are you becoming the person you want to be inside your own skin?” [46:52]
  • Challenge: Get “both feet in the boat again” and rebuild trust/action from the ground up.

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4. Lighthearted Follow-Up and Hope

• Positive Story: A previous caller updates Delony and Kelly—the caller who worried about telling his kids he was dating their friend's mom. Turns out, the kids knew all along and now the families are happily blended. [54:09]
• Moment of Celebration: Dr. Delony appreciates the success story, ending the episode on a note of hope and possibility. “We needed a happy. We needed a win today, Kelly.” [55:03]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• "You cannot motivate somebody to not be an ass. If he's an ass, he's an ass."

  • Dr. John Delony [02:36]

• "There's almost a direct correlation between emotional connectivity outside of the bedroom and the length of time it takes me to orgasm inside the bedroom."

  • Dr. John Delony [05:50]

• "I wouldn't wish survival on anybody."

  • Dr. John Delony [10:07]

• "You can't live like this. I mean, you can. I can't tell you what to do. But I wouldn't recommend living like this to anybody."

  • Dr. John Delony [14:10]

• "The only person on the planet you can control right now is you."

  • Dr. John Delony [17:15]

• "The things that keep us safe as kids will destroy our adult relationships."

  • Dr. John Delony [25:31]

• "Our attitudes when it comes to judgment are almost always changed through action, not through just trying to think harder about something."

  • Dr. John Delony [45:33]

• "Curiosity brings you together. Judgment separates you and judgment keeps you safe."

  • Dr. John Delony [44:27]

• "What would you lose by celebrating him?"

  • Dr. John Delony [47:50]

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Important Timestamps

• 00:05 – Destiny introduces her question about sexual selfishness.
• 02:36 – Delony’s candid response about selfishness and motivation.
• 05:50 – Discussion of emotional connection and sexual fulfillment.
• 09:51 – Destiny’s “survival mode” marital context.
• 14:10 – Safety and living on “eggshells” in the family home.
• 22:48 – Samantha’s anxiety call and opening up about trauma.
• 30:49 – Advice for rebuilding connection: small daily affirming acts.
• 36:47 – Jenny struggles with criticism and feeling superior to her husband.
• 45:33 – The path to changing contempt: intentional daily actions.
• 54:09 – Warm follow-up on a happy blended family.

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Tone & Style

Dr. Delony maintains a direct, humane, and occasionally humorous approach. He is unsparing in his assessments but balances honesty with compassion, encouraging listeners to face hard truths and make actionable change. Callers are vulnerable and honest, and Delony validates their experiences while guiding them toward taking responsibility for their own healing and choices.

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Recap for Non-Listeners

This episode explores the intersections of intimacy, emotional safety, trauma, and everyday relationship challenges. Dr. Delony doesn’t sugarcoat the painful realities shared by callers but offers hope through clarity, actionable steps, and the reminder that anyone can begin changing the course of their life and relationships—one honest conversation, one vulnerability, one new action at a time. The episode closes with proof that hard work and transparency can lead to blended families not only surviving, but thriving.

Transcript

[Destiny]

My husband is a very selfish lover. I don't know how to get my sexual needs met and to get him invested in that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Most couples settle for the exchange of orgasms and call that a good sex life. That's not a good sex life.

[Destiny]

What up?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's going on? This is John, Dr. John DeLoney show, taking real calls from real people who, going through real challenges in their life. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes and it will send you to a form page thing somewhere on the Internet where you'll write out what's going on in your life. It'll go right to Kelly and she will get you on the show. Let's go out to Huntsville, Alabama and talk to Destiny. Hey, Destiny, what's up?

[Destiny]

Nothing much. Just have a question for you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, bring it on. What's going on?

[Destiny]

So my husband, who I've been married to for about 17 and a half years, is a very selfish lover, essentially. And my question is, I don't know how to get my sexual needs met and to get him invested in that for me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How long is, how, how long has he been selfish, to use your word?

[Destiny]

So our entire marriage. And I'm a very generous lover. And so, you know, the first 15 or so years, I, I, I mean, I like, you know, we've, we've talked about it. We've had those conversations. We've, you know, I've told him about how I feel. So it's not that he doesn't know or isn't aware. It's, I just don't know how to get him motivated to be interested. Like, any time that he tries to, I guess, do something for me, it really is with him in mind. For example, he'll buy certain sex toys. Say, you know, saying that, you know, I think that you'll really enjoy this, but it's really for him to enjoy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, so, for example, hold on, let me interrupt. So in the, I'm interrupting intentionally. After 17 years, there's a track your brain gets on, right? Like when you start telling the story, it's, think of it like a train leaving the station and it just goes from here all the way out. So I want to interrupt it along the way a little bit and try to get to some solutions here, if possible. To answer your big question, and I hate to say this, you cannot motivate somebody to not be an ass. If he's an ass, he's an ass. You get what I'm saying? And so if you can honestly look where this conversation goes sideways is it's what you want gets framed as needs. And what you. Everything becomes about how you make me feel. And what I want to do is get real tactile. Right? Real. And I use the. I use that word wrong. Real. I want to get real specific. Let's say that.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so instead of throwing this word, need. Need is like you need oxygen, you need food, you need water. A more vulnerable thing is here is what I want.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And Right. If the person you've been married to for 17 years, looking across the table at you, says, I don't care what you want, I'm not doing that. We're gonna have sex. I'm gonna get off, and I'm gonna go to bed. Then by framing it as a want, you have to sit in that grief of, I'm married to an absolute jerk who doesn't care about me. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I would be really heartbroken. And if you say, hey, I want. I want you to do the following things or the following things help me reach orgasm, will you do those things? And they say, no, and I will not do those things, then we can be. Tell me about. Let's be curious about why you say no. Is it because it's painful? Is it because. It's because this can get weaponized on either side of the row here. Right. But, like, how clear have you been about I want you to do these things?

[Destiny]

Well, it's basically I. For me, it takes a really long time for me to orgasm.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Destiny]

And so it takes a lot of focus. And I mean, like, a really long time. Like a really.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, but hold on, hold on.

[Destiny]

And I have to focus, and that's just really hard for him to do. He gets tired. And it's just, you know, it's not. It's not immediate gratification for him. So therefore it's hard for him to do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not hard. It's not. I mean, it's just not hard. It may be frustrating, it may be annoying. It may be it's not hard. It is. Let's back out of sex for a second. Where else is he selfish in your relationship?

[Destiny]

Oh, lots of areas.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so this isn't universal, everybody's experience with sexual gratification. With orgasm, everyone's different. Right. Bodies are just different and unique. But a common thread I've heard over the years from talking to countless people is it. There's almost a direct correlation between emotional connectivity outside of the bedroom and the length of time it takes Me to orgasm inside the bedroom. That makes sense.

[Destiny]

Yeah, yeah, no, no, totally. I've. I've just kind of, I guess maybe convinced myself that I don't need the, the other emotional connectivity if I could just get the physical focus.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but do you almost have to transport yourself which is what takes a long time, you know what I'm saying?

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because most couples settle for the exchange of orgasms and call that a good sex life. That's not a good sex life. There are seasons when that's the best. I mean when you got three kids running around and you got bit like bills, like there is seasons when like man, we're, we're in this thing together. But over the arc of 17 and a half years, settling for just trading orgasms is, is not what I would wish for anybody.

[Destiny]

Yeah, I, I just don't see anything. I don't know. I don't know what I could do better.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I, I don't know. It's a matter of you doing better as much as it's resting in. I, I'm married to somebody who doesn't care about me emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually, like who's just out. I, I personally I don't have a lot of, I don't have a lot of respect for men or women who treat their spouses like that. And on the other side, if often these worlds are co created and that's a nerd word way of saying if. For 15, if I was talking to him on the phone or 15 years or for 17 years he's like, yeah, I tried to do the laundry early on and I did it wrong. And I've tried to help with the dishes but I didn't put them in exactly the right place. And so all I got was criticism. And so he's slowly learned over 15 years just to slowly back out of the, the life because it's your world and he just kind of lives in it. Or maybe not at all. Maybe that's not you guys experience at all.

[Destiny]

No, it kind of definitely is. And it's not, not more specifically about he does it wrong or anything like that. It's just more. We don't agree on a lot of things. So the, the kind of roles that we've been that we are in is, you know, like you need to work and make the money and I'll take care of everything else because when you try and step into here, it only causes arguments and contention and disaster.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So tell me about the arguments and.

[Destiny]

Well, we just, I mean we don't agree on A lot of things. We don't agree on parenting styles. We don't agree on finances. We don't agree on, um, you know, just on a lot of things.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do y' all agree on where you want to go on what you want this thing called your marriage project to look like?

[Destiny]

So.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Because what usually happens now, for me,

[Destiny]

it's just surviving our kids and then looking at it again after they are out of the house.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are they?

[Destiny]

I have 15 and a half, 14, 11 and a half and nine and a half.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. It's busy and chaotic, but I wouldn't wish survival on anybody.

[Destiny]

Well, the other option is too bleak.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

I don't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't understand.

[Destiny]

So the other option would be have him completely out of the house, which would be divorce. That, to me, is just too, too hard. And I think. I almost feel like I have to have a justification for it, you know, besides that he's selfish.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's a third option, which is y'. All take your. Both of y' all clear the deck completely and say we get to choose what this house feels like.

[Destiny]

I. I would like that very much. But he's.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

I don't know.

[Destiny]

He's kind of at a standpoint. He's. He's done a lot of work on himself because there's been a lot of other issues. You know, he's had anger issues. He's had some other issues that he struggled with, and he's done a lot of work. And so I think he had a point where I'm done. I'm. I've grown. And he says that he. I don't respect how much he's grown. So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is there any truth to that?

[Destiny]

No, I do. I just. It's not enough.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does that mean?

[Destiny]

So I believe that my husband has a lot of issues, and I don't know if he has the ability to have a different perspective. So, for example, like, with anger, you know, he was at a point where he would get angry and he would throw things and break them. The kids toys. One time, a cell phone, because the kids were using it, and he was mad that they were on it, and he took it and threw it and busted it. You know, just. It was. He never intentioned. Like, he would grab a kid's arm and accidentally hurt them. And then. So he. You know, I'm like, this is this. No, this can't change, or you've got to go. And so he. I mean, this has got to change, or you've got to go. And so he'. You know, he's gone to therapy. He's really worked on his anger, and he does not yell, he does not throw things, he does not touch the kids in any way. And so. But that anytime that we know that he's going to be upset or that he disagrees with something, we're on eggshells. Like, we worry. And, you know, when he does get upset, you can tell in his body language. You can tell in his tone. And he's trying to say that he's fin. But we're all like, we can tell that he's not fine. And it's just kind of like a trigger response where we know he hasn't had an outburst in a long time, but he could. And it's not like he'll go three months without having an outburst of yelling. And then something will happen and he'll yell, and it's scary. And so we kind of live in that. And so I've told him that, you know, it's like we. We live in that. Whether you've. Yes. You've grown. Yes, you no longer do these things. We're. We still. I mean, it's going to take, you know, a long time for us to just fully trust and feel safe that you're never going to have an outburst, because in three to six months, you do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You. Listen, Destiny, you can't live like this. I mean, you can. I can't tell you what to do. But I. I wouldn't recommend living like this to anybody. I mean, you're using words like scared, and I have to tiptoe in my own house, and all four children are waiting for the next thing he's going to smash and punch a hole through or start yelling. Like, very unsafe place for you all to be. And I. I 1 million percent recognize that. Not a lot. Like, thinking about even the alternative there is really scary. I get that. But you're living in scary. So it's some weird. I hate to say it like this, but you're having to choose. You're scary.

[Destiny]

Oh, yes.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Yeah, Cat.

[Destiny]

And it's. I think it's a lot because for the most part, you know, it's manageable.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, dude, but I want. I want you to consider. And you. And I know you probably have. And so I'm saying this more for the listener than for you, but also for you. I don't want a life that I have to manage. There's things I have to manage, but I want my home to be my safest place on the planet outside of this crazy world we have going on. And if you are counting down the days that you have nine and a half years left before your youngest is gone, so you can finally move on and try to squeeze whatever life you have left in your bones, I don't want you to live like that. And I especially don't want those four kids to live in that. I don't want him to live like that.

[Destiny]

Yeah, he's, his perspective is he doesn't see that at all. He has a difficult time, you know, And I think our life is better than the life that he had growing up. So this is fine for him, great for him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I, I promise you it's not. I promise you he doesn't like coming home and knowing his wife doesn't like him and that his kids are scared of him. I know. I promise you he doesn't like feeling out of control. I've worked with too many men closely that nobody likes that.

[Destiny]

So how do I help it get better? How do I help?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can't help him. You have to make choices for you, and some adult in their life has to help make choices for those kids. But you have to start saying, as for me, here's what's going to be true. The only person on the planet you can control right now is you. So at the end of the day, I, I, you're just in a, in a tough situation. Every path you have is challenging, every path you have is hard. And in fact, I'll say every path you have is got varying degrees of unsafety, a lack of safety to it. And so it's you truly owning. All right, I get to decide what happens next. And if the decision is, I'm going to let this slide, I'm going to let this thing go, I'm not going to worry about this, that's part of being married.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But when it comes to issues of safety, when it comes to issues of just disrespect and a lack of love, I'm worth more than that. I don't want to model that for my kids. And this vision of this life I had that I want, I'm trying so hard to hang on to, he's taking it away. And so I've got to own this reality, and then I've got to own what happens next. But instead of getting with some friends and just talking about it and talking about it, I want you to begin to formulate, here's what must be true in my house, and then here's the things that would have to happen to make this true. And it's often a lot of really small things. And some men and women just don't want to do it. I don't want to be a part of that. But this whole picture is very little to do with sex at this point and a whole lot to do with your body's not safe. If you can't have trust and you can't have safety, you don't have a connected relationship, period. That's the prerequisite for a connected relationship. So ask yourself what must be true there? I hate that I can't just solve this one for you. This is a tough one. You got a long road ahead of you. You gotta get some trusted people in your life to walk with you. Thank you for the call. Call anytime. We come back. A woman asks why she worries about divorce even though she has an amazing marriage. We'll be right back. I've seen the data. I know that so many of you avoid talking about life insurance because it forces you to imagine things you don't want to think about. So many people don't have life insurance. But here's what you need to remember. Life insurance isn't really for you. It's protection for the people you love. And I recommend term life insurance from Xander Insurance. When a family loses someone they depend on, the last thing they need is the financial chaos on top of the deep grief. People don't always realize how much they carry for their family every day. It's child care, it's meals, transportation, paying bills, holding everything together. Term life insurance helps protect your family so they can focus on grieving and healing and not scrambling to figure out how they're going to keep the lights on. I've used Xander since long before I had a show because I trust them. And Xander makes buying term life insurance so simple. Their team shops top rated companies for you. Zander works for you, not the insurance companies. And they help you understand your options in plain language. And they help you find the coverage that fits your family and your budget without pressure, gimmicks or confusion. You don't need a sales pitch. You need protection for your loved ones. Go to Zander.com today to get a quote. That's Xander with a Z dot com. All right, so it all started with cozy earth towels. These amazing giant, super absorbent comfortable towels. And then I got a cozy earth comforter and I got some cozy earth blankets and they were amazing. And then I got some cozy earth socks. And now cozy earth is in every nook and cranny of my house. It's even on my body. And recently I. I got a pair of Cozy Earth everywhere pants. I didn't need another pair of pants, but I got them. And like all other Cozy Earth gear, they're incredible. And of course those Cozy Earth sheets. Listen, these are not normal sheets. They're made from viscose from bamboo. You know what that is? I have no idea. But I do know this co Earth sheets are soft, breathable and somehow they keep you cool without feeling cold and they don't sweat you out. Cozy Earth sheets help me sleep better. They're the best. And here's the deal. Cozy Earth gives you a hundred night sleep trial on bedding and a 10 year warranty on everything else. So there's no risk. Try Cozy Earth for yourself. Go to cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney and you'll save up to 20 off your entire order. That's cozyearth.com DeLONEY use code DeLoney and if you get a post purchase survey, tell Cozy Earth you heard about their amazing gear right here on this show. All right, let's go to Fort Wayne, Indiana and talk to Samantha. Hey Samantha, what's up?

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Hey.

[Caller]

How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm all right. How about you?

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Good.

[Caller]

So I just have a question wondering why I worry about the possibility of divorce even though my marriage is amazing, and how I can stop the constant worry about that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, good question. Do you struggle with anxiety? Just generally, yeah. Okay, tell me something you were anxious about before you were anxious about getting divorced.

[Caller]

Well, I guess that just started when I got married. So even since, you know, I first got married, I've been anxious about not staying married forever and not ending in divorce. So before that it was just anxiety about everything. School, life, family, the future. I can never remember a time I didn't worry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, what, what did? If you, if you were to step back from yourself. I know that's like a weird thing to do, but if you stepped out of your body and got 10ft behind you and saw you standing in front of you. Right. What would worry be doing for you? What is it protecting you from?

[Caller]

Honestly, nothing. Because I have a really good life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Extra.

[Destiny]

I worry about the. The what if.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

But tell me about growing up.

[Caller]

Well, I have a lot of trauma growing up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about it.

[Caller]

I think that's where a lot of it stems from. I have issues with my. My real. There was a lot of abuse there, some neglect. And then I actually was adopted by my stepdad when I was 12. My real dad signed over his rights, you know, and I thought that would cure everything, but, you know, it didn't. And then even growing up, I still with my mom, I was never the chosen one. It was always my sisters. And I think that's probably where a lot of it stems from now. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Probably.

[Caller]

Is he going to find something else or.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

You know.

[Caller]

But he's never.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know.

[Caller]

Never, ever.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's don't. Let's don't put this on him, and let's don't even put this on you. Okay. Let's reframe the whole thing.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The one guy in your life who, from the day you were born, is supposed to fight hell on earth for you left.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then this other magical savior came in and did a noble good thing and didn't. And between him and your bio mom, they didn't leave you, but they left you inside the house. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what if you were to be really compassionate with yourself and think, huh, my body's working perfectly because it's run this script multiple times before, and it's always. It's always. It's just trying to keep you safe from yet another devastating heartbreak. And I say this all the time on the show. The things that keep us safe as kids will destroy our adult relationships. And so the. The work for you is. Is not to beat yourself up and be like, why am I worrying about this? This is so perfect, and I should have everything, because then what? The weird thing is, you create the world. That is. It makes it hard. Right?

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's a matter of practice. And some of that is trauma work, and some of that is body work. And some of that is maybe an anxiety medication for a season. And some of that is just practicing feeling anxious and being grateful for your body instead of fighting the anxiety, being like, oh, man, you're trying to keep me safe. I appreciate that. I'm gonna go do this. I'm gonna go hug him.

[Caller]

I don't like the idea of physical.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I understand that.

[Destiny]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And again, that may be the thing that your nervous system needs.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What about physical intimacy? Set your body on fire from the inside out.

[Caller]

And just all of it, honestly, like, the holding hands, hugging sexually, like, it just all makes me very uncomfortable.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I really want you to go see a trauma therapist if you haven't.

[Destiny]

Yeah, I've.

[Caller]

I've done. I've seen a therapist for a long time. I did attempt EMDR with somebody, but I don't think she was very well trained in it, so it didn't go very well.

[Destiny]

I'm not opposed to doing it again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

EMDR is one of 50 things. It works for some people, it doesn't work for others.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I'm telling you, as someone who had a wild childhood on the other end of this, there is peace that you cannot imagine.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. That's the best I can offer you is from a guy that was crawling around outside of his house thinking his house was collapsing to a guy that can barely keep his eyes open past 9 o' clock because I'm just tired and I like my life. There was a hellacious amount of work in the.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

In the.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

In between.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Emdr, I've heard it's magic for folks. It wasn't really a thing for me, but there was a couple other things

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

that really were okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. But the human body needs touch. And when touch gets weaponized with abuse, it disconnects you from yourself. Right?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Well, it's.

[Destiny]

I mean, it's touch.

[Caller]

It's like even words too. Like, he, you know, that's his love. Language is words of affirmation.

[Destiny]

And it, like, I just.

[Caller]

I struggle with that too. Compliments and telling him how much I care about him. And, you know, I. I struggle with all of that, too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but the struggle doesn't mean it's not important.

[Caller]

Yeah, well, that's, that's what I'm worried

[Dr. John DeLoney]

about is I don't want my struggles.

[Caller]

Excuse me, My struggles to push him away because he, you know, he knows about my entire past and has never, you know, it's never scared him or anything. He's always been there and is there for me no matter what I need, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but. But it's hard, right?

[Caller]

Yeah. I just don't want to push him away. Is my fear.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, then reel them in.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, so. And here's what I mean by that. When it comes to body safety, there's just some trauma work that people need to do.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you're coming from an abusive situation, if you were sexually abused or physically abused, like, there. There's some work that needs to be done there. Okay. And sometimes it's 12 sessions. If you get a good trauma therapist, sometimes it takes a year or two. Sometimes there will be little glimmers of it throughout your whole life. And that's just, That's. That's the hand you. Of cards you were dealt. Okay.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When it comes to I struggle with words of affirmation, I'll push back on you pretty hard on that one. Okay.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Put three reminders on your phone. Three different alarms Three times during the day.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And when the alarm goes off, send him a text about how great he is. That's not hard. That's a thing you can do. You can write him a note and leave it on his pillow or put it in his car on a sticky note on his. On his steering wheel before he leaves for work in the morning.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Those type of quote unquote struggles, the path is not to continue to work around them. It's to go right freaking through the middle of them.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the healing that your body will achieve is this. I feel uncomfortable saying nice things because I used to have to say nice things so I wouldn't get hit. I'm going to practice saying nice things. And I'm going to watch his shoulders drop three inches. I'm going to leave a note in the car and I'm going to look out the window where he can't see me. I'm going to watch him get it and watch him smile ear to ear.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And my body's going to know I. Over time, it will learn I wasn't safe then, but I am safe now. Right. The same thing will happen with physical touch, with sexual intimacy, with. That's what healing is. I used to not be safe then, but I am safe now. And the only path through that is right through it.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The challenge with doing that sexually is without any kind of trauma healing that can be real dicey. So I would not recommend just forcing yourself through something like that that's worth the healing. But when it comes to saying nice things, receiving nice things, being told, compliments back, practice feeling anxious and taking it anyway. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Caller]

I feel like my mind knows, like, it's okay and I'm safe, but then my body just does a whole nother thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. And that's trauma, is the disconnection from yourself. That's anxiety. Right. Like, I know this thing and I'm separate from it. I'm going to give you two things. Okay. I'm going to give you my book, Building a Non Anxious Life. I want you to read it cover to cover, and I want you and your husband to use that as a roadmap. The second thing I'm going to send you is a Year of the Together app for free. And I want you all to use that together. And it's tiny little activities to do. And when you feel anxious, put your fist in your chest and literally say to yourself quietly or inside your own mind, ah. You're trying to keep Me safe again. Thank you for that. But. But this one's good. This guy's good. I'm safe now and it's just practicing working through that. And over time, your body learns. Ah, man. I got thrown in the trunk of my own car growing up, but now I'm driving. In fact, I love saying kind, wonderful things. Feels good for me and for my. My partner. But make a call today and let your words be this. I experienced abuse as a child and I want to go through trauma healing and I've tried EMDR in the past and I'd like to try some different modalities. Great, good. Grand, wonderful. Can you help me be very specific? Not I want to go talk about it and recycle it all, but I want to experience healing so that my home, my marriage, my relationships, if I have kids in the future, those will be my safe, warm haven from the craziness that's the world outside. But yeah, it. When you say, like, I'm worried about the possibility of divorce, man, your body is just doing what it knows and that is to protect you. Good on it. Good on your body for trying to keep you safe. Now we have to teach it through action, not through more thoughts and not through more words through action. I used to not be safe, but I am safe now. Hang on the line here, we'll get you hooked up with those resources. We come back, a woman asks how to stop thinking she's better than her husband. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney for Joy and Blokes, a brand new partner for our show, and I'm super excited to have them on our team. The modern healthcare environment tells us to focus on symptoms, what feels wrong. But staying at the surface and focusing on how you feel never gets to the root of the challenges you're facing. This is why I'm a huge fan of getting your blood tested on a regular basis to find out what's going on inside your body. And I'm a big fan of Joy and Blokes. I've had blood work done by all the major platforms and Joy and Blokes is one of the best. They start with a comprehensive blood test that gives you real data about what's going on in your body. But it doesn't end there. A comprehensive blood panel doesn't mean much unless you're an expert or you can talk with someone who's a professional and they know what they're talking about and they'll walk you through from start to finish what's going on. In your body and what you can do next. Joy and Blokes is that partner Join Blokes pairs you with a clinician who will review your results, create a personalized plan with you, and help you take action. Whether the answer is a few lifestyle changes or a more comprehensive treatment plan, everything can be prescribed and managed through Joy and Blokes. Joy and Blokes is for men and women who want to be proactive about their health and want to get to know what's actually going on in their body. Go to joyandbloaks.com Deloney and get this. Get 50% off labs and 20% off all products. That's J O I and B L O k e s. Joyandblokes.com DeLoney all right, Boise, Idaho. Let's talk to Jenny. Hey, Jenny, what's up?

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Hi. Not much. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good. What's going on?

[Caller]

Good.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

So my question is, how can I stop thinking I'm better than my husband? Logically, I know that's not true, but I just find myself constantly, like, criticizing everything he does and, like, judging him, whether it's, like, interactions with our kids or, like, him being lazy or thinking he's lazy. And I. It just, like, dawned on me the other day when one of your. Lots of your callers, when you ask them, is your husband a good guy? They answer, oh, he's the best. And I was like, I don't think I would ever say that. And it just made me so sad. And so I want to stop, but I can't. Like, I will, like, tell myself, don't do it. Focus on the good, and only last, like, a couple of days. And then I just find myself back to, like, judging everything he does. So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So judgment protects us. It creates psychological space. And so my question is always, like, I always want to start from a place of what if my body's right? So if my body's trying to create space from this person, from your husband, is it right to be doing so? And if you. If you can't, say, yeah, he's a pretty great guy. Tell me about that.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Well, I mean, he's done a couple of things that, like, hurt me pretty bad, but those have been long enough ago that I feel like at this point, I should be like. Like, I've forgiven him or I thought I had, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, should have and have are two different things. How long have you all been together? How long have you all been married?

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Almost 25 years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And how has he hurt you in the past?

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

He like, had a one night, one time of I guess you would say. And then he, like, told me about it. A couple days later, we went to therapy. I thought we had worked through it. And then I don't know how much. That was like, 17 years ago. So that's been a long time. And then another time, he was traveling for work and he. A co worker who's a woman, went to, like, hug and hug him goodnight, and he, like, squeezed her butt. And so that was, like, an issue at work for a little bit with that. So, yeah, those are the two things he's done that have hurt me, that I thought I'd forgiven, but maybe I'm still protecting myself. I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I throw some other options out there? And you say no way, or maybe.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If those are the two things you know about, is there a possibility that there's other things that you don't know about?

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

I would say that's pretty small, but I couldn't say, like, 100%.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Where are so those two things over. Over a quarter century together? He's done those two things. Let's say that 17 years ago, he made a huge mistake. He slept with somebody, came to you right afterwards and said, I've blown up everything. Do you want to rebuild? And you said, yes. And then years later, he hugged a coworker and grabbed her butt. Caused HR issues. Caused. And it's a weird thing to say it like this, but caused safety issues. He could have lost his job. Could have been a big deal. Right?

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Yeah, for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And plus, who's. Who wants to be with that guy, right? Like, it's one of those things that, like, I don't respect the guy who does that.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Great. All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where else are y'.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

All.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are y' all not aligned? Where else do you think I'm doing this right and he's doing this wrong?

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

I guess I don't. I think probably the only thing I could really think of is, like, parenting, but I think that's more like a male, female thing. Like, I think, like, sometimes he's just too hard on our kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hard.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Like, like, mean to them or, like, expecting too much of them, or, like, he takes his joking too far. But I think that's undisputed. Being more sensitive.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, besides, maybe you're being too sensitive or maybe you're being protective. That's not a gendered thing. That's not a male or female thing.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

As much as doesn't sound like y' all are on the same page, and my wife And I, my wife and I have a pretty great marriage and we disagree on any number of things, but we disagree together, if that makes sense.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or she disagrees with me, but she understands the spirit with which I'm doing those things. Does that make sense?

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She might think, oh, that joke was too far. But she also knows he's trying to connect with the kids. He's trying to be silly. Not I, I. Let me say it this way. Not always, but most of the time my wife gives me the most generous interpretation. And my question to you is, is there not a generous interpretation to be had here or do you need to do some pretty serious soul searching and say, I agreed 17 years ago to stay with this guy and build a new marriage? The work that needs to be done here is he's actually a pretty decent guy. I have to, I've got to write that woman 17 years ago me a letter and let, let her off the hook. I've got to start taking small actions. So let me ask you this. When's the last time you made him a cup of coffee?

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

I don't, I couldn't tell you. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Often these feelings of contentment are. I mean, contempt and criticizing are often met with. Or they're changed. Not through trying to think your way out of them, but through. I'm going to do different things. For the next six weeks. I'm going to wake up a few minutes before him and I'm going to make coffee just like he likes it. When we get up in the morning, I'm going to give him a long 30 second hug before anybody does anything. I'm going to leave him a note in his car. These, these, these little, the, the Gotmans call them bids. They're small little actions towards him. Not every morning. You wake up, you stretch and you climb up in your lifeguard stand and you look down upon him from a, a seat of superiority.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Yeah, but definitely what I feel like I'm doing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But it's protective. Curiosity is, brings you together. Judgment separates you and judgment keeps you safe. Right? If I can. If I can. That's what politicians do. They demonize another side to give you permission to think and act and feel however you want on your side. Judgment's just protective. That's stupid. That's dumb. I can't believe you're doing that. Or you see an action in the story you choose to make up about, that action is always going to be a negative story instead of a positive one.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So like you walk in and his shoes are right by the door. And y' all have had that conversation a million times. You get to make up the story that comes after you see those shoes. He's lazy. What a bum. He expects me just to pick him up or. Man, he knows I hate this. His day must have sucked. I'm gonna do something extra nice for him. I'm gonna grab those shoes and do one nice thing.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Our.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Our attitudes when it comes to judgment are almost always changed through action, not through just trying to think harder about something.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Okay. That makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I can't tell. You're. You're pretty good at.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

At.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. I'm usually pretty good at trying to capture the spirit behind a question. I can't tell if you're upset with him or if you're upset with yourself.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

I would say it's me. Like, I know he's a good guy. I know he's done dumb things in the past, but I do think he has changed.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

And like, we've talked about those things and he's. Yeah. Like, somewhat regularly. So, yeah, I think I might just be holding on to thinking, I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I'm gonna send you the Together app too. And this isn't a sales pitch. It's literally a thing you can do every day towards him.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And my challenge, even beyond using the app, is come up with six weeks worth of I'm gonna do one thing a day for that guy.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And in so doing, here's the question you have to ask yourself. Are you becoming the person you want to be inside your own skin?

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Yeah, I would say probably not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Do you judge other people too?

[Destiny]

No.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

That's what's so weird. Like, I feel like I'm actually not a judgmental person and I give everyone the benefit of the doubt except him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you ever told him you're sorry

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

or anything?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No. No. Just for being so critical.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Oh, no.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Maybe start that tonight.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What would you lose by celebrating him?

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

That's a good question. I don't know why it sounds so scary to do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

I don't know. I don't know if I could put into words, but it just does sound terrifying because I feel like I would be admitting that I'm not, like, as good as I profess to be. Maybe

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't know that it's a matter of good or wrong, good or

[Kelly]

bad,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But it might be rooting out some parts of yourself that I want to. I want to let go of. I want to be open handed about. And for 5 million reasons, past and present. This guy has become my whipping boy for every insecurity I have, every frustration I have, every. Everything I have. And I'm gonna at least do my best to become the best version of myself, which means I am going to treat my ride or die spouse better than anyone else in the world. It might mean y' all swipe the deck and rebuild a new marriage starting today. You asking him, what are five or ten ways I can love you on a regular basis? And then I'm just going to make a commitment to do those things. And by the way, here's five or 10 ways you could love me on a regular basis and see if he'll make that same commitment.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Yeah, I think he would.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So if. If I ask you honestly, is he a good man? Is he or no?

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Yes, he is. He really is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so now you're one of those women that's calling into my show saying they're married to actually a pretty good guy.

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why don't you want. Why, why, why do you. You judge those women, too?

[Caller]

Why?

[Caller (Samantha/Jenny)]

Yeah, I really don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would call out with him that I sit in a judgment seat over you, and I'm going to make a commitment to climb down off that seat. And there's going to be days that I. Without even. It's so automated. At this point, I'm going to climb up and I'm going to ask you to let me. Hey, can I say that over again? Or the moment a thought pops in your head, he's so lazy. I can't believe he. That you catch yourself and you literally say out loud, nope, not true. He's a good guy. He's exhausted and. Has he hurt you? Yeah, Real, real bad. He slept with somebody else. Of course that hurt. It was painful. He almost got himself fired by being a disrespectful goon at the office. And also, it sounds like he's made some pretty amazing changes. It's going to be you through action, climbing down off the lifeguard stand of judgment and just saying, I'm going get in the. I'm going to get in the pool, too. We get to create what we want this house to feel like. And I don't, like, be feeling like I'm a judgmental person, but judgment protects us. And so always ask yourself, what am I trying to protect myself from? Is it getting hurt again? If so, and it was 17 years ago and we're on the same team. Challenge yourself to get both feet in the boat again. The only way to do that is through action. I believe in you. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney. Listen, no matter what you do, your personal information is everywhere. In this digital world we live in, you have to supply your info anytime you buy something online. Your home address, your phone number, your email address. You might as well upload your passport and your Social Security card. Even if you just go down to a local store. They want all of your personal information, too. And all you want is some pencils, right? That's why I use and recommend Delete Me. Because almost nobody thinks about what's being done with your information after you give it to everyone who's asking for it. There are hundreds of data broker websites collecting, posting, and selling your personal information without your permission. And most of us don't even know what's going on. Deleteme finds your personal information on these data broker websites and their privacy experts get it removed for you, making you less vulnerable to personalized scams and spam. Deleteme keeps monitoring and removing your information throughout the year, and they send you reports showing you exactly what they found and removed. They've saved me hundreds and hundreds of hours so far. I wouldn't even have known where to start looking for all this information. Delete Me's got you giving your information away sometimes is unavoidable, but Delete Me helps you take back your privacy and control. Go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney and get 20 off an annual plan. That's JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney. All right, we're back. Hey, take two seconds. Subscribe, like, share all the internety stuff. All right, Kelly, what you got?

[Kelly]

All right, so we got an email from a guy that was on the show a couple of years ago, and his call was about. He was divorced and he was dating his kid's best friend's mother. I don't know if that rings any bells.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It doesn't, but that sounds like this show.

[Kelly]

Yeah. And so his question is. Oh, it does. It does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How do I tell my kids?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kelly]

So that was his question, was, how do we tell the kids that we're dating each other without making it, like, super, super weird? So two years later, and I got a follow up that I think is worth reading. He writes, he says, hi, Dr. John and team. Two years ago, I called into the show to work through my anxiety, telling my children that I was dating their best friend's mom. Turns out they already pretty much knew they were too smart for their own good. Fast forward to now, and we are getting married.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right.

[Kelly]

The kids have integrated with each other better than we could have ever imagined. And none of us could imagine not having everyone together as a family. My love for my fiance and my future stepdaughter has only increased these past years, and I'm so excited for what the. The future holds for us as a family. And for those that are watching, I'm posting a picture of their engagement.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Nice, dude. Congratulations, guys. Good for them. That's awesome. I'm glad. That worked out really well. And they must have handled that really well because if the kids are all integrated and that's. That's perfect. Awesome. That makes me happy, Kelly. We needed a happy. We needed a win today, Kelly, so thanks for sharing that one with me. Why. Why are you looking down?

[Kelly]

No reason. Just in the show.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If y' all ever knew what Kelly edits out of the show. Love you guys. Bye.