Caller: “My Parents Are Racists”

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: Caller: “My Parents Are Racists”
Date: July 17, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

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Episode Overview

In this emotionally charged and deeply empathetic episode, Dr. John Delony addresses a variety of caller questions centered around the complexity of relationships, family estrangement, and mental wellness. The central segment is a poignant conversation with Ashley from Little Rock, who opens up about being cut off by her parents due to their racial prejudice against her boyfriend. Other major calls include Walter White seeking help with marital financial strife, and Lauren from Sacramento working to rekindle marital intimacy and prioritize her marriage for her children's benefit.

With his hallmark blend of compassion and directness, Dr. Delony navigates themes of racism, estrangement, marital conflict, family systems, and self-worth, offering actionable advice, validation, and memorable moments of support.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Caller Ashley: Navigating Family Estrangement Due to Racism

[01:07–15:00]

• Ashley’s Story:
  Ashley shares that her parents stopped communicating with her after she began a relationship with her Mexican-American boyfriend, citing their disapproval of her dating outside her race. She describes her boyfriend as kind and supportive, especially during difficult times, and expresses pain over being abandoned by her parents, particularly after enduring a severe medical emergency alone.

• Dr. Delony’s Response:

  • Affirmation and Validation:
    Dr. Delony sits in the discomfort of Ashley’s pain, validating her heartbreak and anger.

    “This isn’t how it should be. I’m sorry, it’s gross. It’s disgusting. It’s all those things, you know that.” (03:00)

  • Parental Bigotry as a Choice:
    He strongly states that her parents chose bigotry and hatred over loving their daughter and a good man.

    “They chose bigotry and hatred over their daughter and over a really good man.” (04:02)

  • Recognizing Patterns of Emotional Manipulation:
    Dr. Delony suggests that Ashley’s parents have weaponized love and connectivity throughout her life, calling it “cruelty in the worst kind of way.”

    “That’s evil, Ashley… that a parent would dangle their relationship, their love over their child’s head like the sword of Damocles…” (07:07)

  • Next Steps: Building ‘Chosen Family’ & Community
    Dr. Delony urges Ashley to intentionally cultivate relationships with supportive adults and peers, emphasizing the importance of assembling a community beyond her romantic relationship:

    “It’s got to be a gang. It’s got to be a community. It should be your family. But they left.” (08:14)

    • Encourages reaching out to college professors, church mentors, her boyfriend’s family, and friends to build a support system.
    • Suggests making proactive plans for holidays and special occasions outside her biological family.
  • On Siblings and Allyship:
    They discuss Ashley’s sister, who knows what’s happening but hasn’t confronted their parents out of fear of “rocking the boat.”

    “The boat has been rocked. Your parents shot holes in the boat. They blew it up. There’s no boat anymore.” (09:23)

  • Therapy & Action Plan:
    Supports Ashley’s plan for therapy and insists on tangible action steps:

    “The fog won’t lift on its own… it’s going to take action steps for you moving forward.” (12:54)

• Memorable & Supportive Moment:

  “As the dad of a daughter, my dream is my daughter calls me one day and says ‘Dad, I’ve met this guy’ and describes him exactly as you just described your boyfriend.” (04:02)

• Note on Marriage:
  Ashley mentions she and her boyfriend are looking at rings. Dr. Delony offers to fill in for her dad should the boyfriend want blessing for their marriage.

  “Since your dad opted out, tell him he can call me and ask for my blessing and I’ll put him through the ringer on the air.” (13:51)

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2. Caller Walter White: Marital Financial Conflict & Emotional Safety

[18:32–35:13]

• Walter’s Dilemma:
  Walter describes ongoing financial stress as he and his wife plan to buy a home. His wife, shaped by a traumatic childhood and a “comfort now” mindset, has a significant spending issue and struggles to focus on future planning. Walter also admits to conflict avoidance and feeling like an unequal partner due to being the breadwinner.

• Dr. Delony’s Insights:

  • Facing Conflict with Integrity:
    Dr. Delony urges Walter to be “sturdy” and direct, rather than conflict-avoidant, insisting on joint accountability for the family’s finances—no more taking responsibility alone.

    “I want you to be her husband, not her dad. I want you to be her husband and not her personal assistant.” (24:16)

    • Advocates for honest, scheduled financial discussions rather than enabling evasive behavior.
    • Recognizes Walter’s wife’s defensive reactions as stemming from deep insecurity and trauma:

      “There’s a six-year-old little girl in there saying, ‘He’s going to go, everybody’s always left.’” (30:11)

  • Therapy & the Need for New Tools:
    Encourages couple’s therapy focused on learning new skills, suggesting Walter frame the invitation as his own need to communicate love more effectively.

    “I would love for you to come with me and help me practice some new skills so that I can love you better.” (32:05)

  • Setting Boundaries for Protection:
    Dr. Delony raises the possibility of temporarily separating finances to prevent further harm, even if it triggers significant marital strife.

    “Part of loving her well, and your family well, is to say, for a season, I’m going to keep our household finances separate.” (34:42)

  • Addressing Resentment:
    Warns that without change, Walter risks growing bitter and fundamentally unhappy in his marriage.

• Actionable Support:
  Dr. Delony gifts Walter the “Together” app, a couples tool for shared daily actions and learning modules.

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3. Caller Lauren: Rekindling Marital Connection for Family’s Sake

[38:14–53:37]

• Lauren’s Concern:
  Lauren from Sacramento wants her husband to recognize that prioritizing their marriage is essential for their children’s well-being. She feels like she’s “on the back burner,” resented, and more like a housemaid than a partner, despite her husband being a dedicated father.

• Dr. Delony's Coaching:

  • The ‘Secret World’ of Marriage:
    Emphasizes that a marriage should be a “secret world of two people”—kids and jobs don’t belong in it.

    “A marriage is a secret world of two people, and the kids don't go in that secret world.” (39:30)

  • Patterns of Disconnection:
    Guides Lauren to self-reflect: Is she being the version of herself she wants in marriage? Reveals she feels more like herself outside her relationship, and admits to walking on eggshells at home—fearing her husband might leave (though he says he won’t).
    • Explains how both partners can subtly drift apart, perpetuating defensive and critical patterns:

      “You see him loving well, just not you, which makes your edges a little sharper and your criticism a little deeper.” (46:25)

  • Rebuilding Intimacy:
    Calls for a hard reset—build a new marriage as new people, with intentionality, laughter, fun, and affection.
    • Advises: Start using each other’s love languages, not just your own.

      “When we feel a gap… we really start trying to love our partner... in the ways that we like to be loved, and it actually drives us further apart.” (49:39)

    • Encourages using invitations, not accusations, when talking with her husband.

      “There’s ways to ask those questions that put you at the center, which actually make them invitations instead of what can sound like an accusation.” (50:59)

  • Memorable Reframing:

    “It takes one person to change a relationship.” (48:17)

• Support:
  Suggests using the Together app, planning a marriage retreat, and creating a “new secret world” just for the two of them.

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4. Q&A: Anxiety vs. Preparation

[55:43–60:07]

• Listener Samantha asks:
  What’s the difference between anxiety about the future and simply being prepared?
• Dr. Delony Answers:
  • Anxiety involves attempting to solve or control unpredictable future outcomes in the present, which can become rumination and a misuse of energy.

    “When you’re anxious, your body’s trying to solve this future problem you don’t have any control over. Planning... is just being intentional.” (56:56)

  • Preparation is intentional, based on facts and actionable steps within your control.
  • Practical self-check:

    “Ask yourself, is what I'm worried about what I'm planning for actually true? And the second question is, can I do anything about it?” (59:27)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “They chose bigotry and hatred over their daughter and over a really good man.”
  —Dr. John Delony [04:02]

• “That’s evil, Ashley… that a parent would dangle their relationship, their love over their child’s head like the sword of Damocles.”
  —Dr. John Delony [07:07]

• “The boat has been rocked. Your parents shot holes in the boat. They blew it up. There’s no boat anymore.”
  —Dr. John Delony [09:23]

• “I want you to be her husband, not her dad. I want you to be her husband and not her personal assistant.”
  —Dr. John Delony [24:16]

• “There’s a six-year-old little girl in there saying, ‘He’s going to go, everybody’s always left.’”
  —Dr. John Delony [30:11]

• “A marriage is a secret world of two people... The kids don't go in that secret world.”
  —Dr. John Delony [39:30]

• “It takes one person to change a relationship.”
  —Dr. John Delony [48:17]

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Timestamps by Segment

• Ashley: Family Estrangement & Racism — 01:07–15:00
• Walter: Marital Finances & Emotional Safety — 18:32–35:13
• Lauren: Marital Intimacy & Parenting — 38:14–53:37
• Anxiety vs. Preparation Q&A — 55:43–60:07

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Tone and Language

Dr. Delony consistently maintains a tone that is honest, supportive, empathetic, and direct—using everyday, accessible language and often infusing humor even in heavy moments to keep the conversation human and grounded. He does not shy away from calling out destructive family systems or encouraging tough love with real action steps.

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Summary

This episode is a powerful exploration of family fractures, relational courage, and the practical steps we can take toward building authentic, supportive connections—whether in the face of prejudice, financial conflict, or marital drift. Dr. Delony’s advice is both actionable and compassionate, making the episode a valuable resource for anyone struggling in their own significant relationships.

Transcript

[Ashley]

I started dating my boyfriend and he is just the best. He has been nothing but kind and caring. But my parents don't like him and they don't want to have anything to do with me now because I'm dating someone outside of my race.

[Kelly]

What up?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's going on? This is John, the Dr. John DeLoney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking real calls from real people, going through any number of wild things. Family stuff, your mental and emotional health, your kids, your marriages, whatever you got going on. If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you click the link in the show notes and we'll get you on the show. And don't forget, take two seconds please to subscribe to the show to share it to your friends, pass along episodes. Man, it makes such a huge difference for everybody. Everybody in the club. Let's go out to Little Rock, Arkansas and talk to Ashley. What's up, Ashley?

[Ashley]

Hi, Dr. John.

[Lauren]

How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great. How are you?

[Ashley]

I'm doing well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Excellent. What's up?

[Ashley]

So I wanted to call and ask you today about a family issue that I'm having. Probably two years ago at this point, I started dating my boyfriend and he is just the best I, anything positive I could ever say. I, I mean it towards this man. He has been nothing but kind and caring. He's helped me through some of the, the scariest and hardest times of my life so far. But.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's a, there's a but. Okay. I thought you're going to, I thought you were just going to call and say I'm dating somebody awesome. Me. My favorite call I've ever taken on the show. But. There's a but. What's the but?

[Ashley]

But my parents don't like him and they don't want to have anything to do with me now because I'm dating someone outside of my race. And what I think. Yeah, so just for context, I guess I'm white and he is Latino and that has been enough for them to call me on this past Christmas Eve and let me know that they don't want anything to do with him. And my parents haven't talked to me in six months.

[Walter White]

Wow.

[Ashley]

So at, at this point. I've gone through so much in the past six months. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on. Just, just sit there. Don't even try to run over it for a second. I, I'll just sit in this with you. I hate this for you. Hate this for him. Yeah. This isn't, this isn't how it should be. I'M sorry, it's gross. It's disgusting. It's all those things, you know that.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I hate it for you. How old are you?

[Ashley]

I'm 29.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

29, man. So they called you on Christmas Eve and said, hey, don't come. I don't want him at our house.

[Ashley]

Yes, so what.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's his. What's his nationality? I know you said Latino. What's. What's. Is he Mexican? Is he. What is he?

[Ashley]

Yes, he's. He's Mexican, but I mean, he's American citizen, born in America, everything like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I'm just trying to get heritage, so I.

[Kelly]

Wow.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I hate that that's still here in where we live, but it. But it is. I hate it, hate it, hate it. So how can I help? I mean, what a mess. What a mess.

[Ashley]

I mean, at this point, I don't think there's any salvaging the relationship with my parents. Unfortunately, no.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They chose bigotry and hatred over their daughter and over a really good man and over. A potential amazing like they have as the dad of a daughter. My dream is my daughter calls me one day and says, dad, I've met this guy and describes him exactly as you just described your boyfriend of two years.

[Walter White]

Right, exactly like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's amazing and sits with me during hard stuff, and he treats me like. Like a princess. Like all those things, like the way you just described him. That's how I want my daughter to call me and say, dad, I've met this guy. And I. As her dad, I'm gonna say, let me have him. Like, of course. But my goodness, that's my dream. That's my dream and that's the way it should be. Sorry.

[Ashley]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I got. I don't. I don't have a good answer for you other than they've made their position pretty clear

[Ashley]

and I guess.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Go ahead, go ahead.

[Ashley]

Sorry. No, I. I guess I just don't know how to move forward with my life because I had a major medical emergency at the beginning of this year and it. I could have died from what happened. And it's really just made this sit on my heart even heavier because they had no idea that even happened.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I. Yeah, but listen, they walked away from you. They chose bigotry and hatred over loving their daughter.

[Lauren]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I hate that you had to go through this alone, but it's a thing. It's a choice they made. You know what I'm saying? And so, like, you're right to be heartbroken. You're right to Feel lonely. You're right to be, like, deeply sad. But don't add to that a layer of I should have done something different.

[Walter White]

Right, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because you're doing everything right. And in your moment of need, even as a, as a 29 year old, your parents said, no, we choose hatred over,

[Walter White]

Over.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And just for, Just for whatever it's worth, it should never be that way. Should never be that way. I mean, beyond. Beyond the obvious nonsense of this particular situation.

[Walter White]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They've been doing this to you your whole life, haven't they?

[Ashley]

Yeah, I would say we. I, I didn't really have the best relationship with my parents because there's somebody

[Dr. John DeLoney]

who weaponizes their relationship with their children to get what they want.

[Lauren]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's evil, Ashley. You know what I mean? That's. That's cruelty in, like, in the worst kind of way that a parent would dangle their relationship, their love over their child's head like the sword of Damocles, and say, you. You sing and dance how I want you to sing and dance, or I'm withdrawing the one thing that will keep a child alive, and that's connectivity to caring adults. It's cruel. I mean, that's just. Oh, man. Yeah. So my question for you is, like, not by your hand, but in your lab. This thing's happened. Your parents cut you off. That means the work ahead of you is not to go crawling back to them and say, okay, I'll become somebody I don't respect. I will live out of, like, not aligned with values. And by the way, this isn't even like a belief difference. Right. Like, I believe in this and y' all believe in that. We can still agree to disagree at the table. This is them saying, you're not welcome here.

[Walter White]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which, which is wild. I mean, it's. I'm laughing to keep from, from, from cursing. Right. So the question for you, the work ahead of you, is who are you going to put in your life that you can lean on that will sit with you when you're in the hospital? And it can't just be just a boyfriend. It's got to be a gang. It's got to be a community. It should be your family. But they left. Do you have siblings?

[Ashley]

I do. I do. My. Probably my best friend in this world is my younger sister.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And how she responded to all this madness.

[Ashley]

They've kept it really siloed, so they haven't told her anything in relation to me. They just kind of pretend like I don't exist now and I'm the One kind of telling her, know, hey, this is happening between me, mom and dad. And that's just how it is. She thinks it's horrible. She doesn't agree with any of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But why hasn't she called it out with them?

[Ashley]

I mean, she doesn't want to rock the boat.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The boat has been rocked. Your parents shot holes in the boat. They blew it up. There's no boat anymore. Like. And again, I. I don't put her on blast because she's not on the phone, but there comes a. There comes a moment when somebody's being abusive, when somebody's being so grotesque that there's a line. You're still my parents, of course. Right. They'll always be her biological parents. But at some point, there are two adults that are destroying my sister, and I have to choose who I'm going to stand with. You get what I'm saying?

[Ashley]

Yeah, no, I hear you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I get that she's trapped in the middle and all this, but at some point, man, I. I'll just say this. I. Family members are not. I. I just don't associate with people who live like that, who live hatred first. I've. Probably. The vast majority of my friends disagree with me on things, but we still love each other and care about each other. That's awesome. My family members and I disagree on just about everything on the planet, but none of us lead. Hate first.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Walter White]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what's your next move? What are you going to do next?

[Ashley]

I. I'm not sure, honestly. Yeah, I. I've just been taking it one day at a time. I mean, I'm starting therapy soon. I think that's really the only move

[Lauren]

I have in my.

[Ashley]

My pocket at the moment.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I'm going to give you some different. Some. Some action steps. Okay?

[Walter White]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Therapy is probably good to unpack all this, but I want you to have a clear action plan. Okay? Do you have college professors? Do you have minister, do you have local folks in your community, maybe even your boyfriend's parents that you could sit down across the table with and say, hey, my parents have walked away, and I'm going to need some adults in my life that are 10 years, 15 years, 20 years ahead of me. I'm choosing you. Like, if somebody did that to me, it's happened in my life. It's one of the most honoring things when a young person sits down and says, hey, I'm going to need you to walk alongside me. And I'll tell them, like, you can always call my phone. I'll always Answer.

[Walter White]

Yeah, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But that's. That's your work, is you identifying who is two or three or five or seven people down the road from me and you having a couple of hard conversations with your sister and other siblings. And then it gets real nitty gritty when you're like, hey, I've got to plan alternative Thanksgivings and alternative Christmases because I'm not going to sit at home on Christmas by myself and just be devastated that mom and dad cut me off because they're racist, bigot hating people. I'm going to take the clumsy, awkward steps to surround myself with people that I care about. And we're going to celebrate holidays and we're gonna have meals together.

[Lauren]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's. It's. The grief is gonna be there. But what are the things. Not that you're gonna get in a room and just talk about and talk about and talk about, but what are the things you're gonna do to begin to build the life that you want?

[Ashley]

No, I like that a lot.

[Lauren]

I'll.

[Ashley]

I'll definitely do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You promise? Do you promise you'll start being affirmative and like, reaching out? Because it's going to be hard, but you've been sitting alone by yourself for six months just in that fog. And the fog won't lift on its own, I guess, is what I'm saying. It's going to take action steps for you moving forward.

[Ashley]

Yeah, no, that definitely makes sense. I'll. I promise I'll make a. I'll make an effort to do that.

[Lauren]

Awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's so good. And your body's going to want to protect you from that because it's been hurt by the people that were supposed to love you the most. And I want you to, like, sometimes you'll have to catch yourself and put your fist in your chest and say, I got you. You're trying to take care of me. I'm good. But I need some people in my life. And so I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go be weird. I'm gonna go first and be weird. Right? Let me ask you this. When is this knucklehead gonna marry you?

[Ashley]

Soon. We've already been looking at rings, so probably by the end of the year.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Rose, tell them to hurry up.

[Ashley]

Oh, I don't know. I'll say Dr. Johnson.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good. And since your dad opted out, tell him he can call me and ask for my blessing and I'll put him through the ringer on the air. How about that?

[Ashley]

That sounds good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that good?

[Ashley]

Perfect. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. Hey, you're not crazy. This is wrong and disgusting and gross at every level. And as the dad who loves. I just dropped my daughter off at a day camp. Like a summer, I don't know, arts and crafts camp or something. She's super creative. I don't know what they're building, robot things. I don't know what they're doing. But when she got out of the car, it still catches my breath because I love that girl so much. And I want you to hear me say my hope. And my prayer for my daughter is she calls me one day and says, dad, I met this guy who. And almost verbatim, what you said about that guy when. When you first called me. Okay, yeah, you're not crazy. Sounds like he's an awesome guy and he won the lottery with you.

[Ashley]

Thank you so much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you with him, right?

[Ashley]

For sure.

[Kelly]

Gross,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

but so awesome. Hey, for real, thank you for calling. And. That's all I'm going to say. I'm gonna get myself in trouble. I. I just. Life's too short. I'm not gonna be around people who hate first and who discriminate first. I'm just out on that. I'm tired of it. I'm sick of it. I'm grossed out by it. I'm done with it. I'm gonna be around people who want to go make this world a better place and who are going to be surrounding themselves with all kinds of people, especially people who love really well. Thanks for call Ashley. Tell that guy to call me. I can't. I can't wait to talk to him. We come back, a man asks how to handle finances when his spouse refuses to discuss money. We'll be right back. This weekend I got a big box into my house and when I opened it up, it was full of thorn supplements. When it comes to supplements, there's one company I trust. Thorne. I was first introduced to Thorne by professional athletes over a decade ago. And Thorne continues to be the main supplements I trust. For me and my family, supplements continue to be an unregulated industry. And that means it's flooded with garbage and nonsense. Most companies cut corners and they lie on their labels. But not Thorne. Thorne makes every product at their world class facility In South Carolina. 35% of Thorne's employees work in quality control. They reject 15% of their raw materials because good is not good enough for Thorne. They look for great. This is why pro athletes, Olympic teams, and more than 60,000 doctors trust Thorne. And that's why me and my family trust Thorne too. Stop guessing what's going into your body? Go to thorne.com the letter u/deloney to get 25% off your order when you create an account that's T H o r n e.com the letter u/ Deloney this show is sponsored by Better Help. Summer is a time when people escape. They escape from work. They escape from their schedules, whether it's relaxing or going on vacation. Listen, we've all been sold a lie that if we could just get away from it all, everything would magically work itself out. But here's the thing. A vacation won't fix what you won't face. If you're anxious, burned out, struggling, these problems will be waiting for you when you get home from whatever vacation you take. This is why I recommend talking to someone, and this is why I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that fits into your life. You can talk with a licensed therapist by phone, video, or messaging from anywhere. No commuting, no sitting in a waiting room, no just a safe place to process what's actually going on in your life, wherever you happen to be. All of Better Help's therapists follow a strict code of conduct, and you can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the app. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. This summer, don't just escape. And don't ignore what's coming to the surface. Sometimes the strongest thing you can do is stop running from everything and start dealing with it. Go to betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10 off. That's betterhelp H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, let's go out to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and talk to Walter White. What's up, Walter?

[Walter White]

Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good, brother. How are you, man?

[Walter White]

Good, thanks.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what's up?

[Walter White]

My question is my wife and I have set the goal of purchasing a house early next year. And of course, you know, there's a lot of financial planning that has to get around. You know, that's part of that. And, you know, my. My wife is a bit of a spender, and when we try to talk about it, things just. Just never go well. And, you know, me handling the finances, I'm, you know, looking at the writing on the wall, and I just don't see how the math is going to get us there. And it just does not go well when we try to talk about it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which part? Well, there's a couple. Couple different paths here. Path one is you are a guy who. And I'm gonna start with a negative first. Okay, sure. Or I'm gonna start with the mirror first for you. You're a guy who always has a plan. And I don't mean that in a positive way. I mean that, like, you always got a scheme, right? Like, oh, dude, I'm gonna get some crypto and I'm gonna day trade. And like, you always have a thing. Like, I'm gonna get into Tupperware and essential oils and your. Your love language, which I'm not a. I'm not a super fan of, but, like, you're with that. Of that phrase. But, like, the thing that would get you in the mood for a hot and heavy night is a spreadsheet and. Right.

[Walter White]

Is that you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you that guy? And by the way, that doesn't make you a bad guy. Um, but is that you or.

[Walter White]

No, no, I wouldn't say that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Walter White]

I would say, yeah, I. I've been

[Dr. John DeLoney]

a schemer in my past, and I recognized, you know, after doing some reflective work, like, oh, I am. I'm so annoying to talk to, and I'm. I'm unreasonable to talk to you. Okay, so the other side of this thing, which I never like to talk bad about anybody's wife, but here we are. Is she bullheaded and unreasonable? Like, I don't care what math is. All my friends, all my neighbors, whatever, have this house, have this car, and that's what I'm going to have. Kind of a spoiled brat. Is that her?

[Walter White]

I think she just very much lives in the. In the here and now and sometimes struggles with, you know, looking forward. She. She had a very unsafe and a very traumatic childhood, and I think she's just. I feel like sometimes she's just looking for, you know, comfort now, if that makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I mean, I. I get it. True healing from an unsafe childhood is getting. Is. It's not being safe right this second. Right? Like, there's a. There's a. Some. There's psychology on, like, a poverty mindset, which is, I don't have time to think about tomorrow or next year or my retirement. I need food today.

[Walter White]

Right, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so helping somebody from. Who grew up in abject poverty, who grew up with, like, wondering if a meal was going to come, is teaching them to get their eyes off of today and begin looking at tomorrow and beyond. It just takes. That's a process. But it sounds. I. It sounds like you're being overly generous, like you don't want to talk bad about your wife, which I. Super respect. Super respect. But there comes. Let me say it this way. There comes a point when I want to be safe. Right. My wife's out of town. It's just me and my daughter right now. It took everything in my bones to not have ice cream for breakfast. You know why? Because it sounded delicious. And I wanted it. Right? Like, I had to think about future John tonight and tomorrow, and I would feel terrible, and then I'd be grumpy, and then blah, blah. And so, like, it's a context, not an excuse. Like, I get that she wants to just live life right now, but that's not an excuse for making bad decisions that are gonna. They're gonna endanger the future of Yalls family unit financially.

[Walter White]

Yeah. So I. I guess if I had a. You know, like you said, it's. It's hard to have this instinct to protect my wife, but I guess if I had to put, you know, opinion exactly what it is. I think my wife has a. And she's acknowledged it in passing, but a pretty serious spending problem. And I'm. You know, we're. It just seems like I'm never gonna. We're never gonna get out of it. And no matter how much. And, you know, the house. You know, getting a house, financing it, you know, I'm all just. I'm expected to get it done, and I feel like I can.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, I'm going to call you out on that. You have to say no. And you have to be willing to weather the storm for the sake of your. You and your family safety and for the sake of your marriage. And what that looks like is I'm. I can't just get this done unless we have an honest conversation about math. And so when you're ready to do that, I will drop what I'm doing and we'll take a hard, real honest look at where we are. But you're talking as though she's your boss and she's gonna fire you.

[Walter White]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if she is, if she's willing to walk out the door because her husband wants to keep people safe and wants to be rational when it comes to money, unlike anybody else on the planet. Because, by the way, this isn't the only place this happens in your marriage, is it?

[Walter White]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. She also wants what she wants when she wants it in other areas, too.

[Walter White]

Right? Yes.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I want you to be her husband, not her dad. I want you to be her husband and not her personal assistant.

[Walter White]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And at some point, you have to Start with, what does self respect look like? Am I becoming the, the man, the partner, the husband, the friend that I want to be? The answer is no, or you wouldn't be calling me. And what would it look like for me to get there? And you're gonna have to weather that storm in between. So if you sat down, like, like role play that with me. If you sat down and said, hey, where are we on this? Are we getting this house? I found the house that I want. And you said, honey, I'm not looking at a house, I'm not filling out an application until you and I sit down and have an honest conversation about money. When you're ready to do that. In fact, I've, I've moved some things around. So Wednesday night at 7 o', clock, I'm ready to do that. If you want to come, great. If you don't, okay, you tell me when. What would she do? What would her response actually be in real life?

[Walter White]

Should probably get angry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. What does anger look like for her?

[Walter White]

Very defensive, you know, and try to point out, you know, I, you know, I've given up so much for, for this marriage, in this family, and I've already given so much and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is she given?

[Walter White]

I mean, she, you know, she's, she stopped, you know, we. She has a 10 year. She had a 10 year old from prior marriage that I've since adopted. And she stopped going out. You know, she, she put off school because we had another baby and we actually have a third one on the way. And, you know, her family does not, what little family she has does not live near here. She's a, she grew up in the foster care system, so her closest family is some foster parents that moved away a couple years ago. And she just. There's this recurring thing about how she said, like, if we, you know, if we weren't married, your life wouldn't change and mine would change dramatically.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does that even mean?

[Walter White]

I think she means that. I think she feels that we're not equal partners. I think she's mentioned that since I'm the one who has an income and she stays home with our kids, that I act like I think I'm superior to her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is she right or is that, is she just projecting that onto you?

[Walter White]

I, I feel like I try really, really hard to involve her in everything, in our conversations and everything. And it just, you know, it just really stresses her out. And her instinct, her reaction is always to, you know, come back at me to try to, you know, counter. I don't know. Make me upset too. I'm not sure. I mean, I have a problem with conflict avoidance and it's one of the reasons I'm in therapy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Walter White]

And so conflict is really, really hard to me. And I feel like there's a part of me that she knows that and might try to use it to sort of shut down hard conversations.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But in that moment, you have a choice, which is to be sturdy.

[Kelly]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, knowing you have a problem with conflict is a big part of the solution there. Like, oh, my body shuts, starts to shut down. When I do this, I need to stand firm. Not to fight and combat you, but to be, to be a port in the storm. And there's a, there's a weird dance that y' all are going to get into, which is a kid who grew up in the foster system who's then left her foster parents, who also was in a previous relationship where she had another child. Like, she's always going to be testing to see whether you're going to leave too.

[Walter White]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And she knows how to make you leave. You don't walk out the door, but she knows how to your. To get your spirit to leave your body.

[Walter White]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so part of breaking that dance is you letting her know, I'm going to stop withdrawing. However uncomfortable it feels for you, I'm going to be a man of integrity. I'm going to stand here in the storm and I'm not going to yell, I'm not going to scream, but I'm not going to run away either. I love you too much. I'm in this with you. But do you get how you prove her point every time?

[Walter White]

Yeah, I, Yeah, I think what, what scares me the most is, you know, a few times every. We have to have these hard discussions. The ultimate, like, what it boils down to a lot of times is just, well, if you don't like being married to me, you can leave me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's your response to that?

[Walter White]

I've said very clearly, you know, I'm never going to leave you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Walter White]

I'm never going to leave you. Yeah. And it just, it just keeps. But it just makes me, it's. It just makes me afraid that, you know, if everything I do, you know, results in this, what I feel like is an over reactive anger that the next thing I do is going to be the thing that, you know, she finally does it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I want to give you something. I'm going to tell you something that hopefully will free you and hopefully will make you sad too. Is that cool?

[Walter White]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Her responses are not about you. There's a six year old little girl in there saying he's going to go to. Everybody's always left.

[Walter White]

Yeah. Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so her responses to you are not about you. They're about her body trying to keep her safe. Now what it's doing is it's ending her relationship. Right. So if you listen to my show, you always hear me say the things that kept us safe as a kid will destroy our adult relationships. That's happening in real time in your home.

[Walter White]

Right, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it will take some, some weathering of the storm. I'm never going to leave you. I love being married to you. I don't love the situation that you and I have both found ourselves in. And together you and I can walk through this, but I love being married to you. I want to get you a house too. We're just not there yet. I want to have tons of nice things, but that means we're going have to sacrifice for a short season.

[Walter White]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you put the, you take the problem off her chest and you put it out across the table.

[Walter White]

That makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I also know if she's not well, is she willing to go talk to somebody?

[Walter White]

She's been seeing the same therapist since she was 16 years old.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. She needs somebody new because they're not helping.

[Walter White]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because she doesn't have action steps and strategies for being a wife and a mother and a regulated person in the real world moving forward. You know what I'm saying?

[Walter White]

Yeah. I mean, I, you know, having that's a relationship that she's had longer than and she's known me and I don't know how I would approach mentioning that to her. You know, hey, maybe it's, maybe it's time you saw someone else. I'm not sure how to do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would invite her. I would tell her that, hey, I want to learn some skills. I love you more than life itself. And I feel like sometimes the story I tell myself is I don't communicate that well enough to you. And so I would love for you to come with me and help me practice some new skills so that I can love you better. And that when you do that, you're taking all of the weight and putting it on you and you're actually giving her a role to play in you being well, you know what I'm saying?

[Walter White]

Okay. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And my hope would be that she can. Y' all walk into a marriage therapist office and you say, we are only interested in learning new skills for how we can build an amazing marriage. Moving Forward. Because the. The proxy war here is the math problem, is the getting the house. The real problem is you're married to a woman who's got a pretty traumatic background, who's now a very immature adult.

[Walter White]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Who every moment she opens her eyes, she feels less than in her own home. And I trust you that you're not. Like, I don't. I make the money around here. And that you drive a, you know, way nicer car than her and that you always decide where y' all go to eat. Like, I'm trusting that that's not you. And that the majority of the challenge here lies in her own chest. Like, she's just got to believe and slowly practice just because he's the one. Like I. I. My wife, largely, she has a small business that she runs. But the vast, vast, vast majority of the income in our house comes with a paycheck with my name on it.

[Walter White]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But make no mistake. It's our money. It's our home.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Walter White]

And that's part of what I. That's part of what I struggle with, too, is that, you know, I'm of the firm belief that, you know, she. I don't get another vote because, like you said, the paycheck has my name on it. I want us to make all the decisions together, which is what makes it hard for me to, you know, she makes her decisions. You know, we have one bank account, you know, one debit card, everything. And it. It just seems like I just can't. We can't get out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if she's spending y' all into oblivion, Part of loving her. Well. And your family. Well. Is to say, for a season, I'm going to keep our household finances separate.

[Walter White]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that might cause World War III in your home. Here's the thing. The war is upon you. It's just. Who wants to call it out? And are we going to weather this thing together? Cuz, what's the alternative, man? You're just going to keep resent. You're going to like the. You're tilling the soil of resentment. You're going to get more and more frustrated. You're going to become somebody you don't want to become.

[Walter White]

Yeah, I've noticed that about myself, too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So the only thing we can do, like, we can't control anybody. That's the hardest part of being married, is we can only control ourselves. The question we have to ask ourselves is, can I become. Will I continue to remain the best version of myself regardless of the circumstances? So I'm always going to be a person looking out for the safety of my home. I'm always going to be the person who love and honors my wife and sometimes love and honoring my wife is putting really hard stuff on the table and if she storms away or throws her attacks, I'm going to weather those that storm because I in this situation, it probably isn't about me. Thanks for the call, brother. Hang on the line here. I'm going to send you all the Together app. It's not going to be a fix all for y', all, but it will be a small thing y' all can each do every day. And the app continues to grow and grow and expand and what it's capable of doing and it will walk you through. Now there's some learning modules in it that that will teach you and her. I'm going to send it to both of you and y' all can use that together. You can just say, hey, this guy on the radio gave this to me. I would love for us to try it out together. Just give her one thing she can do every day and it will give you a thing you can do every day. Sometimes in your situation it's less the big talk, it's I'm going to wake up every day and give her a cup of coffee. I'm going to wake up every day and leave her a note that just tells her how much I love her little things. Thanks for call brother. It's a tough, tough situation. We come back, a woman asks how to help her husband understand prioritizing their marriage benefits. The kids too. Be right back. All right, so it all started with cozy Earth towels. These giant super absorbent comfortable towels. And then I got a Cozy Earth comforter and I got cozy Earth blankets. And my house got more awesome. And then I got cozy Earth socks and my feet got awesome. And now Cozy Earth is in every nook and cranny of my house. I recently got a pair of everywhere pants from Cozy Earth. I didn't need another pair of pants, but I got them. And like all other Cozy Earth gear, the they are incredible. And of course I love my Cozy Earth sheets. These are not normal sheets. They're made from viscose from bamboo. I have no idea what that means, but I know this. They are soft, breathable and somehow they keep me cool without freezing me out. Cozier sheets help me sleep better because they're so comfortable. And here's the deal. Cozy Earth gives you a 100 night sleep trial on bedding and and a 10 year warranty on everything else. There's no risk. To try Cozy Earth for you and your family, go to cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney and you'll save up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozyearth.com DeLONEY and if you get a post purchase survey, say you heard about Cozy Earth right here on this show. All right, let's go to Sacramento, California and talk to Lauren. Hey, Lauren. What's up?

[Lauren]

Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm great. How are you?

[Lauren]

I'm a little nervous, but doing good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm nervous, too. I don't want to mess this up. People on the Internet sometimes get super mad at me when I mess up. So I'm gonna try to do this one, do this one, do this one. Good. So what's up?

[Lauren]

So my question for you today is how can I help my husband understand that prioritying our marriage is beneficial for our children?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, tell me more.

[Lauren]

So we have two daughters. They're still little right now, so two and four. And he's a great dad, very involved, very hands on. And so he feels like he needs to pour all of his time and effort into them or else he's being a bad dad, like he's not showing up for them in every way. That also then leads to I'm put on the back burner and our marriage is put on the back burner. And that's been leaving me with a little bit of resentment and just feeling kind of like the housemaid and the person that handles everything, and I'm not really in the unit.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. A marriage is a secret world of two people, and the kids don't go in that secret world. Jobs don't go in that secret world. Exes don't go in that secret.

[Walter White]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know, I'm saying.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How has this conversation gone when you've talked to him?

[Lauren]

Not well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me.

[Lauren]

Usually he usually just kind of says, like, his job as a father is to take care of his kids and make sure there's a roof over their head and food on the table, which I agree. But also, I want our girls to have a good example of what a healthy relationship is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Lauren]

Put it this way, that puts him too. That stresses him out too much. That adds too much to his plate to add that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can't, you can't claim this alpha masculinity on one side and then say that's just too much on the other side. Right. You get what I'm saying?

[Lauren]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you're going to be John Wick on one side, you got to be John Wick on the other. If, if you want to say like, it's my job to take care of my daughters, you know what, that's 100% right. And if you're a stay at home mom, it's my job to put a roof over this. You're right, it is. And I heard this from Dax once and I just, I just love it. Your daughters are going to marry him. Some version.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so the, the date is clear on this, but forget the data for a second. The greatest gift he can give those girls is to show them a. A man recklessly loving their mother. Obsessively loving their mother. Like we like not weird but like in know what? You know what I mean? Like if, if your 4 year old isn't going ew, dad. Or trying to always weasel in between y' all two cuz he's hugging you so much, then there's a problem.

[Lauren]

Yeah. Yeah. That doesn't happen very often.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, so he's not on the phone. So can I ask you hard questions? Is that okay? And they're going to. I don't want. I, I. You can choose to hear them as accusations. They're not, they are just open handed, just being honest. Okay.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

Let's go for it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you who you want to be in your marriage?

[Lauren]

I've been trying better.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does that mean?

[Lauren]

So I've been taking a little bit from your, your podcast. I started getting up in the morning and making him coffee.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Lauren]

I pack his lunch for work.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Lauren]

I try to plan more dates for us to go out and do so that we have one on one time. Which has been a struggle because he'll usually kind of turn it down or say, oh, we don't have, you know, I need to do these things instead of that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So I want to go, I want to go a layer deeper. Okay.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I applaud you for that. Like opening your eyes and saying, I'm going to go first. Amazing. That's awesome. And if behavior is a language he's telling you or actually he's using. He's using language as a language. Right. Saying I don't want to. Yeah, deeper than that. When I say, are you becoming the person? Are you being the person you want to be? Do you feel good in your own skin?

[Lauren]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about that. Do you find yourself angry a lot? Do you find. Would you want to hang out with you is a harder, harsher way to ask that question?

[Lauren]

I would want to hang out with Me when I'm not around him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, tell me about that.

[Lauren]

I feel like I can be more myself when I'm around, like my family and friends. I feel like I walk on like tiptoes around him sometimes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what is it about him? I. I spent years walking on eggshells in my own house. And some of those things were because of the things. Some things my wife would say. There was a truth to that. But a lot of the time I walked on eggshells because of stories I told myself that became my reality.

[Lauren]

Yeah, I feel like sometimes if I say the wrong thing or do the

[Ashley]

wrong thing, I guess I'm just always

[Lauren]

worried that he's gonna leave and I don't really know why.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's it. Where does that story come from? Has he told you, if you keep doing this, I'm gonna leave?

[Lauren]

No, he actually says the opposite. Like, he's not going anywhere. But I don't feel like it's because of me. I feel like it's because of the kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that a story you're telling yourself that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy?

[Lauren]

Maybe he's kind of. Whenever I've asked him that, like, do you enjoy being around me? Like, am I a friend to you? He just says, well, I'm not going anywhere. We have kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, yeah, that's a bad answer. If he was on phone, I would say, that's a terrible way to answer that question.

[Lauren]

And I don't know that if you meant it that way, but that's the way I took it was like, it's just because the kids, we're here, we need to make it work kind of thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So here, it happens by degrees, okay? And I'm. I'm going to paint a picture that may or may not be true. Okay? But here, here's one version of how the story can play out. Y' all have this daughter. He's freaked out. He doesn't know anything about having daughters, but all he knows is that everybody says dads are useless and bums and their daughters need their dads. And so he opens up his toolkit and he's got four tools in there. He's got a hammer, a saw and a chisel and a screwdriver. And he takes those four tools and he does the best he can to build a world for that little girl. And he also gets in real time. You're not doing this, right? I don't know how to do this. Why aren't you doing this? You never anymore. Whatever. And slow. Tiny, little, tiny little things. He Recognizes, oh, I can win a little bit more over here, or I'm in control of what happens next in this relationship. Or to put another way, I'm a big guy, and these are little bitty human beings. I can pick them up and move them.

[Lauren]

Yeah, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you see him loving well, just not you, which makes your edges a little sharper and your criticism a little deeper. And your questions are, am I even your friend? And he's like, I'm not going anywhere. Right?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you see how just by degrees, suddenly that gulf gets wider and wider and wow. And. And then you suddenly need him to do X, Y, or Z so that you can be the best version of yourself. And he's like, dude, I'm just gonna stay away into this relationship because at least these two little girls like me.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I'm saying? And so, in a weird way, everybody's trying to do their best, and edges start getting sharper and sharper and sharper. And then you find yourselves on op in opposite oceans. I call it the drift, But y' all just. It just slowly over time. And the only way I've seen people be successful coming back is to literally swipe the deck and say, we've never been married with two little kids. I want you to be the person I can be the most myself. I want my. I want my heart to go, ah. When you drive up, not.

[Ashley]

Oh,

[Lauren]

yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so we get to decide what our home feels like, and you get to say the adjectives that describe you. I want to become the fun, dancing, laughing, singing, sexy, Whatever words you want to use to describe yourself. I want. I'm going to bring her back. And I want. I want to see that guy who used to skip his final exams to come have coffee with me. I want that guy back.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If. If I guess. I want you to do the work to find out how much of these stories are stories you've begun telling yourself that have become reality over time. Or if you. If you just started playing music when he walked in the door and greeted him at the door, dancing and smiling like the old days. And again, you may not be a dancer, a smiler. I'm just making stuff up. But that he would shove you away and say, gross, get off me. Well, now you got some real data to work with. Or would he laugh and go, what got into you? Right? And then you make. You make a crash joke back. Right. Like, it takes one person to change a. A relationship.

[Lauren]

Okay, I can definitely do that. I've been trying to be more aware of the energy that I'm putting out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

So I definitely feel like I can put more effort in on that side. I've been trying to do, like, small, little things to make his days easier because I am more so, like, my love language is acts of service.

[Walter White]

So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And that's. I think that's a challenge here.

[Walter White]

What are his physical touch?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what often happens is when we feel a gap in our relationship, we really start trying to love our partner.

[Kelly]

Well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But we do it in the ways that we like to be loved, and it actually drives us further apart. And so what does it look like when he walks in the door to say, I need a big hug? And when he starts to pull away, you say, I'm not done yet.

[Ashley]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, it.

[Ashley]

I can do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It goes back to the road map thing. But, like, how can I love you today? But I think I. I think y' all are at the place where little, tiny. Little tiny adjustments and tweaks aren't what y' all need. You need to say, hey, the marriage we had doesn't exist anymore. We have two young girls. We're different people now. Here's. And this is a scary thing to say. Here's what I want. I want our home to be filled with laughter and fun, because right now, I think he hears every question you ask as an accusation.

[Lauren]

Yeah. He definitely goes on defense more than I would like. It's not even my intention to be accusatory. It's just questions. And then he kind of just kind of gets ready to. For an argument to happen when that's not even the case. It's just a question on an answer.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And. And so instead of saying, hey, there's ways to ask those questions that put you at the center, which actually make them invitations instead of what can sound like an accusation. Here's an example. Do you even like me anymore?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Versus the story I'm telling myself is, I've gotten unlikable. Have you noticed that? Or I find myself sharp and criticizing and kind of lonely, stuck in this house. Those two girls. Am I hard to be around sometimes? You hear how one of those is an accusation. It's an invitation. I mean, one of those is invitation. And one of those sounds like, hey, you're not. You're not being my friend enough.

[Lauren]

Yeah, that's. That's definitely the wording I use is, do you even like me?

[Walter White]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which. Which. Which. What's he supposed to say to that? No, you've. You're not likable anymore.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or. Or he's gonna go, I'm not going anywhere. Relax. Which again, then you're hearing everything he says. As you know, you get. I'm saying, y' all just getting this dance.

[Lauren]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so clearing the deck and saying, hey, I've made up some stories about myself, about us. I'm sure you have, too. I want us to get away for half a day. I've even gotten a babysitter for the two young kids. I want to. We get to decide what our marriage feels like moving forward. We have a brand new marriage with two little girls. We get to pick. And maybe neither of y' all have even seen this new marriage in real life. Cool. We get to decide how this house feels. Here's how I want it to feel. I want it to feel sexy. I want it to feel fun. I want it to feel laughter. I want you to be so happy you're home. And here's a path towards that. What do you want this house to feel like? Y' all just have to decide. Hey. We want to build a new marriage. And we. That marriage is a secret world. It's ours. It's our. Like, the two of us, we go in it and there's nobody else's are in there. And we get to decide what's inside. But it takes two whole people shown up inside that secret world.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

For whatever it's worth. You're worth it. And for whatever. Whatever it's worth, I've been exactly where you are. Except closer to the edge. My wife, too.

[Ashley]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. If both of y' all can pull up a seat to the table and say, yeah, we can rebuild this thing however we want. Cool.

[Ashley]

Cool.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hang on the line here. I'm going to hook you up with a together app. Also, we'll send it out and ask your husband if he'll do it with you. And use these words, I want to begin loving you super well. And so here we go. And this will give you a path to love me. Well, cool. And I've set aside this time I want us to go on a marriage retreat and just ask ourselves, what do we want in our marriage? What do we want this thing to look like? Because we can decide whatever it looks like. It's a pretty amazing, empowering realization that y' all get to choose. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back. I went into this local store around the corner from my house the other day. I just Wanted to buy a few things at checkout. They wanted my address, my email address, my phone number. They wanted my passport. They didn't really want that. Listen, I just wanted some paper plates and cups and they wanted my soul. Every time you give out your cell number, your email address, or you buy something online, data brokers are grabbing your information and they're selling it to the highest bidder, leaving you vulnerable to spam and scams. If you buy something at a local store and they want all this information, chances are they're selling it behind your back. This is a big part of why I use and recommend Delete me. Your phone number, your home address, your family's personal information. All of this is just floating around online, sitting on data broker sites that you've never even heard of. Delete me finds your personal information online and they remove it for you. Not just once. They keep monitoring for it and cleaning it up month after month. This allows you to close the gap between what you think is private and what actually is private. You can't build a peaceful life if parts of your life are being bought and sold online behind your back without your permission. Go to joindeleteme.com Deloney and get 20 off an annual plan. That's joindeleteme.com DeLoney all right. What up, Kelly? What do you got?

[Kelly]

So I have a woman that sent in an email and I thought was an interesting question. So here you go. So Samantha from Wilmington, Delaware writes. She said, this really isn't a question I would call in about, but more of a general, general question.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just pause real quick. Have you ever been to Delaware? Nope, I've never been either, but I feel like I want to go one day.

[Kelly]

You should do that. It sounds like it is lovely up there, but I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It seems like it would be beautiful. And I don't have anything to base that on other than it's New England. And New England's beautiful.

[Kelly]

Right. The only place I've been up in that area is New York.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, yeah, my wife and I, for our 10th anniversary, went to Boston, Rhode island and stuff. And it was. Oh, beautiful. Especially in the summer.

[Kelly]

Want to go to Maine? Very, very badly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, that's where we spent most of our time, in Maine.

[Kelly]

Yeah, I've heard that's just amazing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It was unbelievable. And the food was astonishing. There's just lobster everywhere, and I am good with that. Oh, my. It was unbelievable. Okay, so back to Delaware.

[Kelly]

So Samantha in Delaware, she said, I heard John define anxiety on an episode as, quote, bringing a worry about a potential future outcome into the present and trying to solve it for now. I get that, but what's the difference between that and just trying to be prepared?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, that's a good question.

[Walter White]

So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's I, I would say the difference is a level of intentionality, meaning when you're anxious, it's your body trying to solve this future problem that in, in many ways you don't have any. A, you don't have any, any, you can't predict the future, you know if that's going to happen or not. And B, you may not have anything you can do about it yet. I'm going to run around and try to solve this by dispelling energy, by yelling, by screaming, by getting solar panels on a 70 year note because we, the grid's going to go down. Whatever your thing is, right? Digging a thing in the backyard to hide potatoes in like whatever at your body saying, oh, you don't get what's coming. I gotta solve this right now. Planning into the future for hey, college is going to be here. We need to start saving money or I want to retire one day or I want to pay off this debt or hey, dad has Alzheimer's. We need to start planning for like we need to make some major changes or whatever that's just being intentional. So the difference is when your body takes off on you and says I'm going to solve this in the present right now. And I don't even know if that's real or not the difference. And so the. You'll hear me say a lot. Soul for peace. I don't know what's coming in my life, negative or positive, but I know things are coming. And so that's a big reason I'm just, I'm not great with numbers, I'm not super quick with math, anything like that. But that's why it was a big deal for me and my wife not owe anybody any money because if something happens we'll have some margin to deal with it whenever that thing is. That's why I don't over flood my calendar because I don't know what, when you're going to call and say hey can we do this? And I'm like yep, let's do it or whatever. And so those I don't know. Does that answer your question?

[Kelly]

Well, and I think there's also a, there's a rumination element to it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's what when there's no solution and you don't have control over that outcome, you'll loop it and loop it and loop it and loop it because you're just think of your body like making a missing an exit and it's just going in circles trying to find that exit to take to get to whatever, Whole Foods, wherever you shop. And you're more of an Aldi girl, but. But, like, actually, yes, I wasn't a diss. I'm just saying, like, you're a conscious shopper, but there's no exit. You're never going to get off because there's no exit there. So stop driving.

[Kelly]

Right.

[Ashley]

Hope.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't know if that helps or not. I feel like I just made it worse. Ask yourself, is what I'm worried about what I'm planning for actually true? And the second question is, can I do anything about it? Can any of us do anything about macroeconomic trends? Not really. But as for you and your house, y' all cannot owe anybody any money. If the grid goes down, I'm gonna deal with that then, because my stash of crypto and gold is not. We're going to have bigger problems. So it's just asking ourselves, can I control anything about what I'm worrying about? And if not, I'm going to set that nonsense down.

[Kelly]

Bye.