Can I Stop My Wife From Leaving Me?

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show — Episode Summary

Episode Title: Can I Stop My Wife From Leaving Me?
Date: March 25, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show is marked by real, intense conversations about marital separation, family trauma, financial betrayal, and complex family boundaries. Dr. Delony takes several calls covering the emotional and psychological challenges of relationships under severe stress. The episode’s main thread is a call from Austin, whose marriage is at the brink of separation after years of personal and familial turmoil. Additional calls address themes of financial responsibility in marriage, responding to a parent's troubling new relationship, and persistent extended family boundary violations.

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Key Segments & Takeaways

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1. Austin’s Marital Crisis: Navigating a Wife’s Request for Separation

[00:05 - 16:42]

Background:

• Austin’s wife has requested a separation after 17 years of marriage and three children.
• He admits to a long history of anger issues, emotional distance, and, most recently, misusing a corporate credit card which he self-reported, sending his family into a period of deep instability (02:53).
• Austin also struggled with pornography as a coping mechanism.
• Family suffered a significant trauma when their son abused their daughter, compounding the marital crisis (05:40 - 06:22).

Discussion & Dr. Delony’s Insights:

• Radical Honesty as Foundation: Dr. Delony stresses honesty as the only way forward. He challenges Austin on accepting the full gravity of his actions, rather than minimizing or excusing them (03:22–04:37).

  “If you made a mistake at work, then that's one thing. But if you were cheating your workplace…then let's just be honest about that and put it on the table.” — Dr. Delony [03:24]

• Impact of Trauma: The son’s abuse of his sister is discussed as a wholly transformative trauma — “It didn't throw a wrench in your family. It ended your family unit. As you knew it.” (06:22)
• Growth vs. Empathy: Austin focuses on his own progress, but Dr. Delony points out the omission of his wife’s interior world:

  "Everything you're telling me is about you. And the only way to heal your marriage is to say, what about her? You get what I'm saying?" — Dr. Delony [07:53]

• Separation as a Roadmap: Dr. Delony reframes the separation not as ‘the end’ but as the first actionable request his wife’s nervous system is screaming for after all the compounded trauma. Respecting her need for space is, in itself, the trust-building gesture he had been asking for (09:03–10:09).
• Setting Boundaries for the Separation: The importance of specific, time-bound separation with clear agreed-upon check-ins is emphasized. Dr. Delony describes how to propose this structure to balance safety, trust, and hope for reconciliation (14:56–16:42):

  “I want to propose a one week separation. … But it's got to be for a specific period of time and we have to already have on the calendar a place where we will reconvene.” — Dr. Delony [15:19]

Memorable Quotes:

• “Behaviors are language.” — Dr. Delony [08:55]
• “Ownership. Ownership. Ownership. I will be responsible for my thoughts, my emotional reactions. I will constantly stay in control of those things.” — Dr. Delony [19:40]

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2. Amy’s Call: Facing Financial Betrayal & an Unwilling Spouse

[20:44 - 35:00]

Background:

• Amy is the sole provider for her family; her husband does not work consistently, contributes little to household management, and holds financial secrets.
• She has discovered credit cards taken out in her name without her access or knowledge (25:01).

Discussion & Dr. Delony’s Insights:

• Clarity is Integrity: Dr. Delony pushes Amy to set explicit, concrete expectations for her husband—what must change, by when, and with specific consequences if he fails to comply (25:56–28:00).

  "Clarity is kindness...In this moment, clarity is integrity."

• Follow-Through & Boundaries: Amy is counseled to follow through on her boundaries, and not to threaten actions she’s unwilling to take. Her pattern of blowing up and then reverting to the status quo is pointed out as allowing her husband to ignore her requests (28:14–29:20).
• Legal and Personal Safety: Dr. Delony warns her about possible fraud, future legal issues during divorce, and ongoing risk to her and her children. He encourages her to seek safety first:

  “The more you're talking, the less safe I believe you happen to be. Is that fair?” — Dr. Delony [33:30]

• Modeling to Children: Amy’s choices are also setting a model for her children, which she acknowledges and Dr. Delony affirms.

Memorable Quotes:

• “Conflict deferred is conflict amplified.” — Dr. Delony [30:39]
• “If nothing else, Amy, get your kids out of that mess.” — Dr. Delony [33:16]

Timestamps for Key Moments:

• Discovery of financial secrecy: [25:01]
• Discussion of boundaries and follow-through: [28:14]
• Children as witnesses to dysfunction: [34:53]

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3. Alex’s Call: Confronting a Parent’s Painful New Relationship

[38:07 - 48:58]

Background:

• Alex’s father had a public affair, devastating their religious family and triggering a suicide attempt by Alex’s mother.
• Parents reconciled until the mother’s eventual passing from cancer. Now, Alex’s father is engaged to the woman from the affair.
• Alex seeks Dr. Delony’s advice on how to approach a conversation with his father about this development.

Discussion & Dr. Delony’s Insights:

• Intent of the Conversation: Dr. Delony presses Alex to clarify his objective—Is it about breaking them up, expressing pain, or setting boundaries? (42:02)

  "What do you think this conversation is going to accomplish? ... If it's to establish some boundaries ... be a person of integrity." — Dr. Delony [42:02]

• Only Control Your Integrity: Emphasis is placed on only being able to control one's own actions, not others’ (47:23).
• Communicating without Escalation: Dr. Delony suggests possibly reading a prepared letter and stresses directness without resorting to cathartic confrontation (45:54–48:58).

Memorable Quotes:

• "This particular one hurts." — Dr. Delony [46:54]
• “The only person's integrity and character you can control right now are yours.” — Dr. Delony [45:15]

Timestamps for Key Moments:

• Alex’s family backstory: [38:26–40:14]
• Navigating boundaries and conversations: [42:02–48:58]

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4. Jessica’s Email: Dealing with Overbearing In-Laws at Children's Sports

[51:00 - 54:10]

Background:

• Jessica writes in about her in-laws who attend every child’s sports event, become disruptive, and do not respect requests for space.
• Her father-in-law exhibits questionable behavior at games, making things uncomfortable.

Dr. Delony’s Insights:

• Handling Annoyances vs. Crossing Lines: If in-laws are merely embarrassing but not harmful, let it go. But if behavior becomes disruptive or disregards clear boundaries, a frank, direct conversation is needed (52:04–53:32).
• Set Expectations: Dr. Delony and co-host Jessica discuss the need for directness and preparing for blowback if lines are drawn.

Memorable Quotes:

• "Let them come, for crying out loud ... But if they're being disruptive, then yeah, you all need to sit down and have a hard, hard conversation." — Dr. Delony [53:32]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “Ownership. Ownership. Ownership. I will be responsible for my thoughts, my emotional reactions. I will constantly stay in control of those things.” — Dr. Delony [19:40]
• “Behaviors are language.” — Dr. Delony [08:55]
• “Conflict deferred is conflict amplified.” — Dr. Delony [30:39]
• “Clarity is integrity.” — Dr. Delony [25:56]
• “You can't control anything she does.” — Dr. Delony [14:18]
• “I don't want to be that model.” — Amy [35:24]

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Episode Themes

• Radical Honesty: The necessity of full self-awareness and transparency as a baseline for relationship recovery.
• Behavior as Communication: Repeatedly, Dr. Delony reframes actions as the real language of marriage, parenting, and boundaries.
• Boundaries with Follow-Through: Clearly stating needs and boundaries is meaningless without willingness to act on them.
• Respecting others’ trauma and safety: Dr. Delony centers the need for physical and emotional safety, especially after significant betrayals or abuse.
• Family as Model: The impact of adult choices on family dynamics and what children learn from those choices is a recurring concern.

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Conclusion

This episode offers clear, often tough love guidance on some of the hardest relationship questions—how to navigate a spouse’s request for separation, enforce boundaries with irresponsible partners, confront painful family legacies, and hold firm with extended family. Dr. Delony blends empathy with actionable structure, helping callers return agency to themselves while respecting the needs and boundaries of those around them.

Transcript

[Austin]

My wife has asked for a separation. I've screwed up. I've made a lot of mistakes, but I've leaned in over the last couple of years and been doing the work to change and don't feel like my wife is doing the same.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. The only way this works is if you and I can be fully honest with each other.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Hey, what's going on? This is Josh with the Dr. John DeLoney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking real calls from real people, people I've never met but who want to pull up a chair and figure out what's the next right move in their marriages with their kids, dealing with their own mental and emotional health. Whatever you got going on, that's what this show's about. Let's go out to Denver, Colorado and talk to Austin. Hey, brother. Austin, what's up, man?

[Austin]

Hey, Dr. John. Thanks so much for taking my call. It's an honor to talk to you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's an honor to talk to you, brother. Thanks for hanging with us for sure.

[Austin]

Well, I wanted to call in and ask your guidance. How do I navigate my situation where my wife has asked for a separation and asked for me to leave, but I don't want separation and I'm afraid it will just be the beginning of the end. Broadening that slightly. How do I navigate a marriage where I've screwed up? I've made a lot of mistakes, I've hurt my wife and my family, but I've leaned in over the last couple of years. I've been doing the work to change and don't feel like my wife is doing the same.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So why now? Why does she want to separate now?

[Austin]

So we've been married for 17 years and we've got three kids. And a lot of, a lot of my parenting over the years has been. There's been a lot of anger. I've struggled with not showing a lot of grace or empathy to my kids and I struggled to relate to both my wife and kids emotionally. And she's asked me to change several times and I've not been able to hear her and have not responded well to that over the years. And then two years ago, the last two years have been just awful. Two years ago I realized that I was misusing my corporate credit card and I self reported it and went through that process. Obviously that put my family at huge risk.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You realize you did or you came clean about, about cheating your workplace?

[Austin]

Yeah, a little, little bit of both. It's a bit of a story. Our previous policy had allowed me to make certain types of purchases that then changed. And I didn't. It just didn't occur to me that that was. Not right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. The only way this works is if you and I can be fully honest with each other. Okay. So if you made a mistake, like if you made a mistake at work, then that's one thing. If.

[Alex]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You were cheating your workplace and they changed the policy and you didn't like that change, or you're like, whatever, they'll. They'll say something. That's another thing. Right. So this is yet another thing in a long pattern of being deceptive, being I'm gonna do whatever I want whenever I want to. Then let's just be honest about that and put on the table.

[Austin]

In the wake of that, I became pretty depressed for the first time in my life. Dealt with a lot of anxiety. And I prided myself for a while on being a person of integrity. And this obviously was a huge failure in that regard. And so I was struggling with kind of questioning. I've known myself to be this, and this is clearly a big problem I ended up falling into.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, hold on. You did knowingly violate your, your values of your workplace. You did know knowingly cheat your workplace.

[Austin]

Correct.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, let's just sit on that for a second, man. It's hard for you to even say now.

[Austin]

It is.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We've all screwed up, brother.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Austin]

And I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you. Hold on. You can't, you cannot possibly ask your wife to connect to you if you are like a. One of those little 30 cent plastic pieces that covers up the plug.

[Alex]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you have to take the, the plate off. You know what I'm saying?

[Austin]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. All right. So you violated your own core values, you put your family at risk, and then that spun you out.

[Austin]

It did. I, I then fell into some pornography use. And you didn't fall into.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You chose to use that as a numbing agent. Yep. Okay.

[Austin]

And my wife found that. And at that point, she

[Alex]

basically gave

[Austin]

me an ultimatum and that this, this needs to change. There's a lot of things in our marriage that need to change. And I'm going to leave this if you don't change. And that was massive wake up call for me. I started going to counseling immediately and individual counseling. We started looking for a marriage counselor. And then a month after that, we found out that my oldest son was molesting our youngest daughter. And so that just threw a wrench into my entire family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It didn't throw a wrench in your family. It ended your family unit. As you knew It.

[Austin]

Exactly. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Alex]

So we.

[Austin]

That was about a year and a half ago. So we've been taking care of kids. My wife and I have been working hard to try to work through all of that, and things are getting better with my daughter. And my wife said the other day that she feels like now she can focus back up on our relationship, on our marriage. And what that has looked like is

[Alex]

her

[Austin]

starting to have a lot of panic attacks and anxiety and all about. Around me. And so she's asked for separation to calm her nervous system down. And when I asked her what her picture of that is, she said that me leaving and not being in the house. And over the past year, I've leaned in really, really, really hard into counseling. I have seen a huge amount of growth in myself. My relationship with my kids is infinitely better than it used to be. Like, over Christmas break, we had so much fun together. They were looking for ways to spend time with me and all. I'm far more patient than I ever have been in my entire life. And that's positively affecting my interactions with them, how I view myself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But everything you're telling me is about you.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the only way to heal your marriage is to say, what about her? You get what I'm saying?

[Austin]

Yeah. I've asked several times what. What rebuilding trust looks like for her. Like what I've heard you say many times, like, asking for that roadmap. And I've asked that in several different ways over the past year in. In counseling. And she's said not. She hasn't said much. She's. She's not really given me that road map. And hold on, hold on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Remember, if you. If you've heard me say that, you've also heard me say behaviors of language over and over again. Right?

[Alex]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Yeah. So if she comes to you saying, our house as we knew it exploded.

[Austin]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A part of me, my child, was abusing another part of me, another child. And through the smoke and ash of that mess, things have settled. And in that time period, you were working really hard on you. And then she says, I'm gonna. I'm gonna use her. I'm. I'm gonna add some language to her. Her words of I want to have a separation for a bit of her telling you, here's road map. Step number one. My body is screaming at me that this house is still. And the very first thing she's asked you to do is a huge thing. But you've said no. Give me something else.

[Austin]

I haven't said no. This is only A week or so ago, I hadn't thought of it as. That was part of the roadmap. That's a good point.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My hope would be that you've done enough work not to. And when I say work, that you have learned the depths of your anger and you've learned some ways to turn off that nuclear reactor in the middle of your chest. And you've learned ways to reconnect with integrity and be the dad and the husband and the man that you have always told yourself you are not that you have done a bunch of work so that you can end up getting what you want. You get what I'm saying?

[Austin]

That's fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so if you've done that work over the last year, then my hope would be that you could lean into her, saying, every time I'm around you, my body sets off every alarm it has. And you could say, got it.

[Austin]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's come up with a. A very clear. And I'll give you a detailed plan on how to do this the right way. I get your sense of fear. That's super valid and super fair. Totally get that. What makes you think that this is going to. Is this is just basically step one of her getting you out of her life.

[Austin]

I think a lot of it's back to kind of what you've been saying. That behavior is a language where. I've just seen more and more anger and blame from her over in counseling last year. She blames me for what my son did. Our son did. She blames me for. For things that I can't. I can't hold some of her health things. And, And I've been.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What do you mean you can't hold some of her health things?

[Austin]

She's. She's had some chronic illness things over the years. And she just recently said that she thinks that that was because of me, that she didn't. She was stressed about me then, and I guess my struggle with that is. Even if that were the case,

[Alex]

I

[Austin]

don't know how to hold that now when we're trying to rebuild things.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Austin]

And I've honored that, that response from her. Like, I. I can understand how that could be a question.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There is a correlation between relational health and.

[Austin]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A body that keeps going to war with itself. That is. That's fair. It's. It's not. It's not causal. Right. You don't. We're never going to know this led to that. Right. But all that to say is this. Have you sat down and said, do you want to end this marriage I have. What did she say?

[Austin]

She said she doesn't think so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Austin]

But she doesn't know what, what to do. Like our counselor, our marriage counselor is, is. Has said recently that the biggest roadblock to us moving forward is my wife figuring out this trauma response that she's having because she feels it doesn't line up with what her lived experience is in our marriage. And in a sense, I think we both, my wife and I both agree with that. But she's not taking steps towards that healing and hasn't been. And that's. So that, that wraps up in the fear of the separation being beginning to the end. Because I don't want to leave without a plan in place. And she doesn't seem to be able to even have that conversation about what that plan would be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So I, I guess there's two things you can do. You can say, no, I'm not going to leave. I want to continue to work on this. If you want to leave, I can't. You can't control anything she does. So she wants to leave. And y' all want to figure out getting her an apartment that if you're the only breadwinner, you'll, you'll, y' all will help figure out financially how you're going to do all that. Or she'll go stay with the. Whatever. Or you can sit down and say, I don't want to leave, but I do want you to feel safe in your own skin.

[Amy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I want to propose a one week separation. And here, here's the rules of separation. Not for, not if, not if we're trying to get divorced. If it's just like a, like a way to kind of get that ball rolling. But we want, we, we, we need a timeout, which there's really good value for that.

[Alex]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. I just need the smoke to clear. I'm gonna step away. But it's got to be for a specific period of time and we have to already have on the calendar a, A place where we will reconvene. Reconvene to discuss how that separation went and a plan for what happens next. So, for instance, I don't want to leave. I want to continue to work on this. But I value you feeling safe in your own skin. And so I'm going to propose a week long separation. I'm going to go stay with. Fill in the blank. And that Sunday of next week at noon, we meet at this restaurant to talk about how this week went and what you want next week to look like.

[Austin]

I can do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you feel confident in this meeting, it might be the next one. It might be after you have your. Your lunch or your breakfast. But if you will commit to saying some sort of boundary, I won't go beyond 30 days without a plan for what we're going to do together next.

[Austin]

A boundary for me?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. I'll stay gone for 30 days total, right?

[Austin]

Yeah, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or I'll stay gone for three months total if I see this thing. If. If we're both putting in the work.

[Austin]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But right now, it sounds like she's telling you or not. Sounds like she is. She's telling you I need a timeout. And I want you to look back at the work you've done, not to get in her good graces, so you can just keep plugging along your life, but I want you to look at the work you've done that prepares you for this moment, to now enter into her electricity, into her shutdown, into her withdrawal, into her panic, into her anxiety, and say, I see you. And my chief priority right now is helping you feel safe. So I will honor your wishes and I'll step out. And here's the bounds of me stepping out. I want us to text at least every day. Or if you're not comfortable with that, great, we'll text every other day. I want to FaceTime the kids at night. They won't know that I'm not at work or whatever. They don't need to know. I don't want the kids to know that we're separating. You fill in the blank with communication stuff, but let's set the rules up for this thing. You might want to even write it down and hand it to her. And you keep a piece of it and you can hand a third one to the therapist. Everybody's got the same. The same. Everyone's on the same page. But most importantly, we're going to have a date and a time and a location of where we're going to meet next so that we can follow up on the work we each have done, how we're both feeling, and then go from there. Or you can just say, no, I'm not leaving. And my. My guess here in this situation is it will confirm what she has thought all along, which is even his health, even him getting well, even him going to counseling is yet another manipulation tactic. And so asking, I've done this work so I can love you super well right now, loving her super well is, all right, I'll back out. But I'm not giving up on you. And I need you to be honest with me. If you're ever going to call the marriage, if you're ever going to file for divorce, I'm going to ask you don't drag this out for six months or a year or whatever, that you have the courage to put your next step on the table so that you have a way to respond with integrity. Sorry you're going through this, brother. Keep this word in your mind. Ownership. Ownership, Ownership. I will be responsible for my thoughts, my emotional reactions. I will constantly stay in control of those things. And I will do the best I can to honor her in this season. But I'm not going to go quietly into that good night because I love you too much. Thanks for the call, brother. We come back, a woman asks how to help her husband take financial responsibility. If you've listened to my show for any period of time, you know that I care deeply about sleeping well, about getting good sleep. And based on your email responses and your direct messages, I know you care about sleeping well too. And that's why I want to talk to you about Beam. I trust Beam and I use Beam products in my home. When I need a great night's sleep, I drink Beam's Dream Powder. It takes like 30 seconds to mix and it helps me fall asleep faster, sleep deeper, and wake up super clear. No grogginess, no weird chemicals, just science backed ingredients that work with your body, not against it, like magnesium, L theanine, melatonin, reishi and more. It comes in great flavors like sea salt, caramel and cinnamon, cocoa. It's amazing. And I also know that you and me, we want to have healthy kids. And so in my house, we also use Beam's Kids super powder. It's packed with vitamins and my kids actually like it, which if you're a parent, you know that matters. And right now, BEAM is giving my listeners a great deal. Go to shop beam.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get 20 bucks off all all Beam products. That's shop S H O P. Shop beam.com DeLoney and use Code DeLoney to get $20 off all Beam products. All right, let's go out to Houston and talk to Amy. What's up, Amy?

[Amy]

Hi.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How are we doing?

[Amy]

I'm, I'm okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good deal. You good?

[Amy]

Yeah, no, I'm, I'm fine. Sorry, I'm just a little bit nervous.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, you're, you're all right. I wouldn't say you're in great hands, but you're, you're in good hands. How about that. So what's going on?

[Amy]

My husband, he. I'm. I'm the financial provider for our family. He does not work really. He works occasionally at a bar or doing odd jobs here and there, but. I don't know how much he makes. He's very. I don't want to say stingy, but very close to the vest with his money. The burden of the bills falls on me and my income. And I have a good job. I have a career. I work in an industry where I'm able to do a lot of extra work and I do. I work my main job and then I work three extra jobs.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why doesn't your husband work?

[Amy]

That's a good question. It started a few years ago during. I mean, the whole time that we've been married, he has not had a consistent job. He'll work a little bit and then either quit or we make the decision that, you know, our needs for him to be able to care for our children at that moment in time is more important than what he's able to financially bring into the table.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are your kids?

[Amy]

16, 11 and 7.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So would he classify himself as a stay at home dad?

[Amy]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Amy]

So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And is he. Is he. According to. In the way you see it, is he fulfilling that? His part. His part of the. That deal?

[Amy]

No. Okay. No.

[Alex]

Okay.

[Amy]

No. I feel like even with him staying at home, a large burden of just our managing our household in general falls on me. And I don't, I've expressed that I don't know if he's hearing me or ignoring it or what, that I'm.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, he's not changing. So whether he's hearing you or ignoring you at this point doesn't matter. The actions are staying the same. So let me.

[Amy]

And I know you say behavior is a win.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's being very clear with you.

[Amy]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm not helping around here. I don't want to. And you're going to do it anyway, so I don't need to.

[Amy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let me ask you a deeper question. Okay. Kind of cut to the chase. Are you going to leave him?

[Amy]

I don't want to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's not what. That's not what I asked, though. Are you going to. This is a horrific example for your kids.

[Amy]

Yes, it is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's exhausting for you. I can hear it in your voice.

[Amy]

It. It is exhausting. And I have, I've had in my mind that the ultimatum and to say, am I going to. I can't definitively answer that. Do I want to? Yes. I've Been through divorce before with a child. And so I know all of the. I know the ins and outs of that and the dominoes that fall along with it. And so I don't want to go through that. But also, I'm struggling to stay afloat myself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Amy]

With the way things are.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Amy]

And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, and. And by the way, in court, his financial records will be made available. Right. So his cloaked secrecy will be laid bare for everybody, whatever else he's got going on. This makes me think he's got other stuff going on that's shady, that he's not telling you. Do you think that, too?

[Amy]

Well, I know he has credit cards and things that I. That I don't know about or that I don't have access to. I did run my credit report, and there are numerous credit cards on my credit report that I don't have possession of or access. Access to. When I asked them about. Asked him about them, he made the claim that he didn't have them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I want you to freeze those accounts.

[Amy]

I did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And so here's how the conversation has to go. A, you have to decide what your next move is. Are. Are you willing to draw a line in the sand? Or. And I. I always call it this. Like, are you willing to put an or what statement? And then I always. Clarity is kindness. You've heard me say that. But I want to go deeper. I think in this moment, clarity is integrity.

[Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to spend some time being very detailed in what needs to be different.

[Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Not. I need some help around here. You're not doing this. You never do this. Not that, because he'll slip and slide and worm his way out of those conversations. But a. I hate to put this burden on you because you're doing everything else anyway. Right?

[Amy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I'm going to be very clear about what needs to change and how.

[Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And we're going to share finances, and we're. We're going to get to the bottom of these credits. Like, you can go and request the expenditures from those accounts.

[Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you can get detailed lists of what's been spent on them.

[Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you can look him in the eye and say, you open credit cards in my name. That's fraud. You can look him in the eye and say, if we go through a divorce, if you choose to not do this, all of your financial spending records, everything will be laid open. Your work history, all of it will be made available in court for all of us to see.

[Amy]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So the. The deal is he's going to be open now or he's going to be open later. But the choice to not be open is off the table now.

[Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And then it will be. Here's what needs to be different. You have to get a full time job. I can't keep working a full time job and three jobs on the side and making dinner and cleaning the house and making sure the kids get where they need to be. So I need. You're going to start driving the kids to school every morning and they have to be on time. And two days a week I work this schedule. So you have to pick them up from school. Or like we, like, you see what I'm saying? Like we're going to be that clear.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then I think looking at him and saying, I do not want to end this marriage. I want to be married with you, but I can't continue in this m. I not. I can't. I won't continue in this marriage moving forward with things the way they are with you being as disrespectful as you are.

[Amy]

Okay. Yeah. I feel like I've had this conversation on some level with him over the past few years. And. And I don't know, it just. I guess it just doesn't. Because I don't know if I'm not being clear enough.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, you're being very clear, but you're not following through.

[Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. Like he's. He's looking at your behavior as a language too. And that means she needs to have this big blowup and this big cathartic moment, get it all out, and then we're going to go back to the way things were.

[Amy]

Okay, so let me ask you this. Is that. How do I handle. I mean, how do I handle the follow through? If I say you've got 30 days to find something, find a job with, you know, benefits or something, you know, then. And he doesn't. And he doesn't do it within that time frame. At that point, what.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Whatever you've put on the table, you have to leave my house or I'm taking the kids and I'm moving in with my mom. If the house is in your name and it's your credit that's bought it, then he needs to go, okay? Or I will file for divorce or I will file for legal separation. Or like you, you, you put on the table, whatever. I can't give you that.

[Amy]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, but you put on the table and whatever is happens, you have to be willing to uphold your end of the bargain. So don't put Anything on the table that you're not going to follow through with.

[Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you said your kids are 16 and how old?

[Amy]

16, 11 and 7.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. The 16 year old especially is old enough not to be a part of this main conversation, but to be brought in as things are going to change dramatically around here and your dad's agreed. So I want you to know what's about to happen. Your dad's going to be at a full time job. I'm going to start working, stop working so much. And 16 year old, you're going to be responsible for these three chores or these four chores or whatever and things are going to be different. And then if your husband's got one shred of integrity left, he's going to look at your 16 year old and say, I've let you down in every way under the sun. And that ends today. My gut tells me is you put this on the table and he walks.

[Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What do you think?

[Amy]

I feel that way. I, I feel that way too. I mean, I just, I don't at this point where I am, I don't see him changing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Remember this, remember this statement? Conflict deferred is conflict amplified.

[Amy]

Conflict deferred is compl.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To. To be really gross and crass. The fact that you have a full time job and you work three part time jobs, that's going to be factored into what he claims is alimony when he files for divorce. Right.

[Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

These credit cards under your name are going to be part of your debts that he, he's going to try to make, make a claim in like, you see how this goes. Right? So waiting so longer and longer and longer to do this has created a bigger and bigger net for him to try to take grab and more and more of your life.

[Amy]

Okay. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you, I mean, I, I cannot be the one responsible for holding your choices. You have to be an adult and own those. I'll just tell you, the longer you don't take full grasp of those things, the bigger this thing gets when it finally sets off.

[Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I would do some forensic work if po. I, I know you have no time to even sleep, but I would dig in and find out what credit cards are in my name. I want full expense accounts on them. I want the, I want the information from the credit card company that shows how they were opened, who signed for them.

[Amy]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And maybe you do that before you have this big conversation. But if he's forged your name on these things. Right. There's all kind of issues we're going to run into here.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there is innocent spouse provisions. There's all kind of stuff. That's usually for taxes, but there's all kinds of paths forward. But you've got to know what information you're dealing with. I think the thing that scares you the most. Tell me if I'm wrong here, I'm happy to be wrong. Is A, you lifted the lid a little bit and you did not realize how bad this was, so you slammed the lid shut. And B, you think he's up to more no good than you're willing to internalize right now. Like if you known he was a bomb, but now you're like, oh, oh, oh, oh. He may be seeing other people. He may be bringing home God knows what into our bed. He may be working with guys off on the side. They're doing shady stuff. Like that's. I'm getting that sense from you, am I right?

[Amy]

Yeah. No, I'm both on. On both accounts.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. All right. If nothing else, Amy, get your kids out of that mess.

[Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I don't ever want you to make a decision based on. If nothing else, I want you to make a decision based on your worth. More than this. He is too, quite frankly. But he's not on the phone with me.

[Amy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The more you're talking, the less safe I believe you happen to be. Is that fair?

[Amy]

Probably.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Seek safety first. Okay.

[Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that fair?

[Amy]

That is fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now, before I hang up on you, exhale with me. Where are you at? You knew. Everything I've told you, you knew. Tell me how it's hitting you now, though, all at once.

[Amy]

Yeah, I guess it. Just to hear it from an objective party, It's a. It just. It just makes it more realistic, I guess. More real.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm heartbroken for you. Husbands are supposed to ride or die and cherish their wives until the moon, to the moon and back. I'm sorry. Husbands are supposed to wake up every morning and do the best they damn well can to set a good example for their kids, give their wives an anchor point. And I'm sorry.

[Amy]

Yeah. And I'm. I feel like my kids see the discrepancy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They do. They do.

[Amy]

I mean, I know that they do because especially my 11 year old has mentioned it before, you know, they do a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But they also look at you and say, oh, this is what we are supposed to do. We're supposed to tolerate this.

[Amy]

And I don't want to be that model.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know.

[Amy]

I want to be the model of the strong, independent.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I don't. I don't want to be strong and independent. I want my kids to see strong, ironclad dependence on one another. Right. But you can't do that because that takes two, right? And you can't have that dependence right now. Oh, you call me anytime. And if he wants to call me, I'd be happy to talk to him. But I want you to be very clear about what scares you, what you feel in your guts is true, whether it's about illegal activity, whether it's about affairs, whatever it is, whether it's about a mad dash deep hole of debt that he's piled up on you guys. I want you to be honest about those fears and do what you can to figure out what's true and what's not and then be very clear about what you're going to do next and communicate that as directly as possible. But all of this, none of this can happen if you're not safe. If you're not safe, we're going to seek safety first. Thank you so much for the call, man. I'm heartbroken. We come back, a man asks how to approach his dad about his new fiance after his mom's passing. Hey. Most of us don't think about our mattresses until we're tossing and turning and waking up exhausted. But sleep is the foundation for everything. Your mood, your relationships, even your mental health. And you can't fake being rested or endlessly cover up this feeling of fatigue with caffeine and other stimulants. That's why I sleep on a Helix mattress. It's why my whole family sleeps on Helix mattresses. We started with one, and now every bed in my home has a Helix mattress. Here's why Helix makes sleep awesome. Helix makes mattresses for real people, not average sleepers. So whether you run hot, sleep on your side, crash on your back, whatever, Helix builds mattresses for you. I took their sleep quiz and they matched me with exactly the right fit, and it took like two minutes. It was online and it was easy. It and it has made an incredible difference in how I sleep and how I function during the day. And right now, Helix is giving my audience an exclusive 20% off site wide. Go to helixsleep.com deloney to get 20% off your mattress purchase. That's Helix. H E l I x helixsleep.com DeLoney Be sure to tell them you heard about their amazing mattresses right here on the Dr. John DeLoney show with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. All right, let's Go to Austin, Texas, and talk to Alex. What's up, Alex?

[Alex]

Hey, Dr. John. How are you, sir?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good, my man. What's up with you?

[Alex]

Oh, not much, man. Just wanted to get your advice, get your thoughts on a tricky conversation I have to have with my dad. I'm not exactly thrilled about his fiance, and, you know, that's gonna be a delicate conversation, so looking for any pointers you might have.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, tell me about it.

[Alex]

Yeah. So longer backstory than the actual question. So I'm one of three kids. Older brother, younger sister. You know, parents stayed together our whole lives. No real drama there.

[Austin]

Good marriage.

[Alex]

They raised us right. We're all grown now with our own kids, our own families doing fine. Parents were both pretty religious. Dad's got a couple different degrees in some sort of biblical studies. He's done mission work, he's done preaching. So pretty religious background. About seven years ago, we were at my sister's wedding. My dad was actually the officiant at that wedding. You know, he gave a good little sermon on, you know, the biblical context of marriage and, you know, the covenant we make with. With each other and in front of God and with God. Just a good sermon.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This feels like it's building. It is.

[Alex]

It is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man.

[Alex]

Because then two days later, it. It all came crashing down. Sitting on the porch with my mom, and, you know, she's crying because she's found out about my dad's affair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, I'm sorry. I'm sorry he blew up your family. I'm sorry he lied to your face and all those people. I'm sorry. Sorry that he wrapped his jolly Jesus biblical language around his cruelty and his selfishness. I'm sorry, man.

[Alex]

I appreciate that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I hate that, dude. Jeez.

[Alex]

And obviously, it was, you know, devastating for her. She's been. You know, they've been together since they were teenagers. You know, he's done. He's done well financially, so he's been able to support her. So she hasn't worked, and she hadn't worked in a decade at that point, so she's just panicked. How's she gonna. How's she gonna survive? What's she gonna do?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. All right, so bring me now. Did. Did. Is he getting remarried or. Tell me. Tell me what's going on.

[Alex]

Well, yeah, so one more little piece to the backstory is two days after that conversation with my mom, we found her on the floor of her bathroom with empty pill bottles everywhere.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good gosh.

[Alex]

So, you know, we. Everything ended up being fine. We got the ambulance there, we got her to the er. She spent a couple days in the hospital. But you know, that, that took the emotions of the situation to be a lot more, a lot worse. You know, I went from being able to talk to my dad about it to. I didn't want to have anything to do with him. Yeah, we, we, we patched things back up. My mom ended up passing from cancer a couple years ago. That whole process, I feel like healed the family pretty well. You know, we all got together, got our, our kids around her. Just really came together up until the end.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did they stay married this whole time or did they separate?

[Alex]

They stayed married. And that, I give my dad his credit, he worked his butt off for a couple of years, dealt with mistrust and, and he worked, worked to build back that trust both with my mom and with family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Alex]

So they, they, they patch things back up. Mom passed away a couple of years ago from, from cancer. Dad is, you know, he's, he's not old, so he's, he goes on the dating trail. He, he's gotten one that was more serious. Found out he's recently engaged and it's the woman he had the affair with.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Alex]

So I guess I, I'm feel a particular way about it. This was someone who was involved. The only involvement she's had with the family is a very troubling time. So I don't really. Any advice you might have on approaching that conversation with, with my dad.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean there, there's, there's. I guess the. I'm, I'm trying to think of the right way to say this. I guess I want you to ask yourself what you're trying to accomplish by this conversation. Are you trying to break them up? That's, that's path one. You just want to let him know that I think he sucks and this woman's never going to be welcome in my home or whatever. That's part two. Like number three is. Dad, I needed to, I'm. I committed back when mom passed away. To always be honest with you is a bad look. That woman has a negative connotation in my, in our home and all of your kids homes. And it's going to take a lot of work for her to return in our good graces because the last time we met her, she was a part of blowing up our childhood home. Right. Like, but it's asking you what do you think this conversation is going to accomplish? And if it's just I want to say these things to him, I'll tell you right now, a. It won't feel as good as you think it's going to feel, and it won't go like you think it's going to go. If it's to establish some boundaries, I, as your son, am never going to be present with this. I'm not going to bless this wedding. I'm not going to attend the wedding. Then, man of all, of course, be honest and be a person of integrity, as you say. Here's what my, My boundaries are going to be. But I just want you to not use this as an opportunity to, like, pop a big zit. Right. But to, like, be clear about what your intentions are with this conversation.

[Alex]

No, I totally understand.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what, what, what. What are your intentions? Because I know you've run this. You're like me. You've run this conversation a million times already.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have imaginary conversations with him about this all the time.

[Alex]

Yeah. I mean, if. If anything, it's. It's, you know, to set boundaries. Because, I mean, he. I don't expect him to. To act on my behalf. It's his life. I want him to be with who he wants to be. But at the same time, you know, my kids are. Are very young, so they're not even going to remember my mom. Whoever he finds next is going to be more of a grandmother to them than. Than my own mom ever was. And I just. I have a hard time with that being, you know, the woman who almost ended their marriage.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, so I think letting her know, assuming she knew that he was married and all that kind of stuff. Our only dealing with this woman is that she is a person who lacks significance, amount of integrity and character, and those aren't people I want around my kids.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm not going to attend the wedding or I'm going to attend, but my family won't be attending. Like, I think it's you getting really clear about what you're going to do next. And even if it's, I don't have Dad, I don't have next steps. I just want you to know this breaks my freaking heart.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he's probably going to tell you she's. She's repented. He'll use his biblical language like he does, and she's changed and it's not like it used to be. And he'll tell you all that stuff, probably make you feel bad for feeling the way you do, But you get to decide what you do next. I think integrity says, I'm going to be a grown man with my Own kids and my own spouse and my own house. Going to tell you what I'm going to do next in this next season. And just don't write a. Don't write a check that you can't cash. Right?

[Alex]

Yeah. No, I'm definitely not looking for that. Not looking to end relationships with him. You know, he's done right by me for decades. I don't want to end it all over bad. A couple bad choices, but same time, I need to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but I mean, this does. I would have expected him. Did he. Did he sit down and say, hey, this is going to be a tough one?

[Alex]

He did initially when they started dating, but since then and since it's gotten serious and since they've gotten engaged, he. Honestly, he hasn't. He hasn't even brought it up. I found out through a sibling, so

[Dr. John DeLoney]

maybe I've jumped the gun here. Maybe just sitting down saying, I found out through a sibling. Dad, is this true? Are you really marrying this woman who. Y' all two together blew up our lives, and you can look him in the eye and just say, man, I just gotta tell you, that hurts. I want you to be happy. I want you to move on. This particular one hurts.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And maybe you let them know, I'm gonna have to figure out what I'm gonna. What I have to. What I'm gonna do with this. In the same way, you've proven to me over time that you've changed, that you're a person of integrity and character now, man, she's gonna have to. She's gonna have to go all in on that, too.

[Alex]

Yeah. Tough pill to swallow.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I think, to me, the toughest pill here for you to swallow is the only person on the planet you can control is you. And that, in this moment, is pretty heartbreaking. Or let me. Let me put another way. You know that, like, when it's all said and done, probably your mom wants him to not just spend the rest of his life miserable and alone, and he wants him to have fun and date somebody and all that, but not her, right?

[Alex]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so maybe just being honest and saying that out loud, like, of all the people, man. Really?

[Alex]

Yeah. I should have brought it up on the initial conversation when he said they were dating. I let him know I wasn't thrilled with the decision, but I kind of. Kind of honestly hoped that they would fizzle out and it wouldn't go anywhere serious.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. Not. The only. The only person's integrity and character you can control right now are yours. And that would mean I'm not going to have imaginary conversations with you. I'm going to call you direct. That would mean I'm not going to say a bunch of stuff just to make myself feel tough and big or feel better, because that's not going to help anything. And actually I'm going to feel smaller and worse when it's over. But I do. Whatever. For whatever it's worth, brother. I. I like this one. Hurts. I hate this for you. Again, like there's. I. This sounds so counterintuitive, but you. You could see him marrying somebody who's polar opposite of your mom. Fun, crazy, outgoing. And your mom was quiet and reserved. And you could see her being like, yeah, that was. That's a good one. But not her. Right? So I think it's just about deciding what you're okay with in this season and being very clear and honest about it, but not using this as an opportunity to put on some boxing gloves and show your old man up. Because I promise you, it's not going to feel like you think it does, especially if he's worked really hard to repair the relationship with you over the years. So thanks for call, man. There's not an easy way to have this one. This is probably one. If I was having this in my life, I would write down what I'm gonna say and I'd probably read a letter just to make sure I was super clear and I didn't get distracted. You may be more emotionally in control of yourself than I can get sometimes. And so you may not need to, but that'd be the path I'd take. Thanks for the call, my man. We'll be right back. I've been talking about poncho shirts for years because poncho shirts are awesome. And if you've seen me on stages or around town, anywhere, working in my yard, you've probably seen me wearing poncho shirts because they're the best men's performance shirts anywhere. Head to ponchooutdoors.com DeLoney right now to get yours. And listen, I want to talk about a couple of shirts that I love. Poncho denim has that soft, broken in feel with a little bit of stretch. It's like you've worn it a million times, but it still looks amazing. And poncho flannels, like the one I'm wearing right now, come in original or western style, slim, irregular fit. And they are guaranteed to be the softest shirts you own. And even though they're soft, they're somehow tough and comfortable. All. All that. All at the same time. They're amazing. Head to poncho outdoors.com DeLoney and get 10 bucks off your first order when you sign up with your email. Again, that's poncho outdoors.com DeLoney for 10 bucks off your entire order. All right, Kelly, am I the problem?

[Jessica]

All right, so this is from Jessica in Orange, California and she writes, my in laws want to come to every single sports game of our children and my husband and I do not want them to. Are we the problem? They are constantly asking for the schedules and will even talk to other parents at the games to find out about more games.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let them come. Why wouldn't they want them to come?

[Jessica]

Let me finish.

[Austin]

All right, all right.

[Jessica]

We have told them we enjoy just watching the game, not chatting with them. So please don't be offended if we don't sit by you. They don't care. They come and find us wherever we're sitting and they chat our ears off. They are so loud. And they ask our kids, did you see me screaming for you? Which will embarrass our children. My father in law seems to really enjoy talking with the other moms on the team.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh yeah.

[Jessica]

Which infuriates my husband because it gives off creepy vibes. He's asked him now twice to stop it. They recently said that we don't talk to them enough at the games and it seems like that we don't appreciate them there because we don't. Are we the problem for not loving them at every game? How do we handle this? With love.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, this is, this is a great example of a proxy war because this crap happens in every other facet of their lives with holidays. I know it does. And this has just become the focal point. So yeah, if your parents want to come to every game and support their grandkids and they're annoying. Who cares if. Let them come, for crying out loud. If they interrupt the game, they make other people feel uncomfortable. They don't respect your wishes, like, hey, we're trying to watch the game. We don't want to talk about aunt Susie and the dog and whatever. Then yes, then you're. They're beginning to say, we don't really care what you want or want what you think. This isn't about the kids. This is about us doing whatever we want whenever we want. That, that is the problem, not the game attendance. So I don't know what to say when you're like, hey, please don't come. And then they come. They're like, doesn't feel like you want us Here. And you're like, I mean, that's gaslighting 101. But it's like, no, I don't. But I don't. I don't. Honestly, I don't know what else, what the next step is other than to say you're not welcome here. I'm gonna ask the league to give you a Persona non grata. And you can't come here. Right. That seems like an awfully atomic nuclear option. What do you think, Kelly?

[Jessica]

Yeah, this is sticky. I mean, unless you're having a sit down, very frank sit down with them and saying, listen, if you're going to come to the games, we're there to watch the games, not to talk to y'.

[Amy]

All.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Jessica]

So if you want to come, great. Pay attention to the game. Stop talking to everybody because they're there to watch their kids. Or don't come.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. And maybe ask yourself when you've, quote, unquote, we've told them this is it. Passing and kind of laughing and. Or have you had that kind of sit down. Hey, listen, this is distracting. We're hearing from other parents, we're uncomfortable. Here's what we're asking you to do. And by the way, if you do that, it will blow up everything else y' all got going on. So just. That's why I think this is not just that, but it's kind of a weird both. And if your parents are just annoying and they want to come to every game, get over it. Let them come. Let them cheer. And it's going to embarrass the kids. So what? So what?

[Jessica]

Like, builds character.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did you hear us cheering? Yes. I mean, come on. But if they're being disruptive, making people feel uncomfortable, if they're being creepy, then, yeah, you all need to sit down and have a hard, hard conversation. Just don't expect it to go well. Thanks for the call by.