Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John DeLoney Show – “Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?”

Episode Information:

• Title: Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
• Release Date: April 30, 2025
• Host: Dr. John DeLoney, Ramsey Network
• Description: The Dr. John DeLoney Show is a caller-driven program offering real talk on relationships and mental health challenges. Listeners are encouraged to engage by sending questions via voicemail or email.

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1. Introduction

In this episode, Dr. John DeLoney tackles complex relationship dynamics involving in-laws and ex-partners. Through insightful discussions with callers, he delves into the emotional turmoil and boundary issues that can strain marriages and personal well-being.

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2. Caller Spotlight: Nicole from Tampa, Florida

Topic: Resentment Towards Mother-in-Law

Timestamp: [00:22] – [14:00]

Nicole's Concerns: Nicole reaches out seeking advice on letting go of resentment toward her mother-in-law. She describes her mother-in-law as a bully who frequently disrespects the boundaries set by Nicole and her husband, especially concerning their children. Specific issues include:

• Ignoring dietary restrictions for the kids.
• Overbuying toys, leading to clutter in their small home.
• Throwing tantrums during family events and vacations when things don't go her way.

Dr. John DeLoney's Analysis: Dr. DeLoney challenges Nicole to reframe her perspective on her mother-in-law, referring to her as a "cartoon character" to emphasize that the real issue lies elsewhere. He posits that Nicole's resentment is not directed at the mother-in-law herself but rather at her husband for enabling her behavior.

Notable Quotes:

• "Your mother in law is a cartoon character. You don't resent bananas. You resent your husband because your husband talks to this woman every day." ([06:29])
• "She’s bananas. You don’t resent bananas?" ([00:27])

Advice Given:

• Identify the Real Issue: Recognize that the frustration stems from the husband's actions rather than the mother-in-law.
• Set Firm Boundaries: Establish and maintain clear boundaries to protect the family's well-being.
• Prioritize the Marriage: Ensure that marital priorities take precedence over extended family dynamics.
• Protect the Children: Prevent the mother-in-law's behavior from negatively influencing the children.

Conclusion: Dr. DeLoney advises Nicole to focus on strengthening her marriage by addressing her husband's role in the situation and setting uncompromising boundaries with her mother-in-law to foster a healthier family environment.

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3. Caller Spotlight: Romy from Indianapolis, Indiana

Topic: Balancing Support for Ex-Husband with Personal Dating Life

Timestamp: [19:05] – [35:26]

Romy's Concerns: Romy discusses her unique situation following an amicable divorce where her ex-husband suffered a debilitating stroke. Despite the divorce proceedings, Romy continues to support him emotionally and logistically, attending his doctor appointments and integrating him into family activities. However, this ongoing caretaking role is preventing her from pursuing a personal dating life.

Dr. John DeLoney's Analysis: Dr. DeLoney highlights the emotional entanglement Romy still has with her ex-husband, suggesting that her inability to fully detach is hindering her personal growth and happiness. He emphasizes the importance of Romy prioritizing her own needs and setting definitive boundaries to move forward.

Notable Quotes:

• "What I'm choosing to do, I'm not choosing to not be jealous of her. I'm choosing to be fully alive in my own body and my own marriage in my own house." ([52:34])
• "You were almost like 50% wife and 50% mother." ([07:18])

Advice Given:

• Assess Personal Needs: Determine what Romy truly wants for her future without the obligations tied to her ex-husband.
• Set Boundaries: Decide whether to continue supporting her ex or to prioritize her own life, including the possibility of dating.
• Financial Independence: Consider practical steps such as selling property or resolving financial entanglements to gain autonomy.
• Emotional Honesty: Be truthful with herself about the impact of her caretaking role on her personal life and happiness.

Conclusion: Dr. DeLoney encourages Romy to make a conscious decision to either fully support her ex-husband or to step back and allow herself the freedom to pursue her own life and relationships. He underscores the necessity of clear boundaries to prevent emotional burnout and foster personal well-being.

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4. Caller Spotlight: Heather from Woodstock, Ontario

Topic: Jealousy Towards Husband’s Ex-Wife and Financial Stress

Timestamp: [35:26] – [57:20]

Heather's Concerns: Heather expresses intense jealousy towards her husband's ex-wife, who remains central in their extended family and social interactions. She finds herself obsessively checking the ex-wife's social media profiles, feeling that the ex leads a more enviable life with luxurious vacations and financial stability. Additionally, Heather grapples with financial burdens resulting from legal disputes over her late mother's estate, which have strained her marriage further.

Dr. John DeLoney's Analysis: Dr. DeLoney identifies Heather's jealousy as a projection of her own dissatisfaction and unfulfilled desires. He recognizes the compounded stress from financial obligations and the emotional toll of comparing her life to her husband's ex-wife. Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the importance of focusing on Heather's personal and marital goals rather than external comparisons.

Notable Quotes:

• "She's got some cool things that she gets to do because she's got resources. Maybe she remarried well or she's got family money or whatever." ([39:13])
• "You've created a fictional character out of his wife." ([41:37])

Advice Given:

• Limit Exposure: Block the ex-wife on social media to reduce intrusive thoughts and comparisons.
• Focus on Personal Goals: Redirect energy towards financial stability and personal happiness, such as downsizing the home or eliminating debts.
• Strengthen Marriage: Collaborate with her husband to define and pursue mutual goals, enhancing their relationship’s foundation.
• Emotional Regulation: Address underlying feelings of inadequacy and jealousy through self-reflection and possibly professional therapy.

Conclusion: Dr. DeLoney advises Heather to take proactive steps in redefining her personal and marital life by setting boundaries with her ex-wife and focusing on mutual goals with her husband. By eliminating triggers of jealousy and addressing financial stresses together, Heather can foster a more fulfilling and harmonious relationship.

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5. Overall Insights and Conclusions

Throughout the episode, Dr. John DeLoney underscores the significance of self-awareness and boundary-setting in maintaining healthy relationships. Key takeaways include:

• Identify Root Causes: Often, surface-level issues mask deeper relational dynamics that need addressing.
• Set Clear Boundaries: Establishing and enforcing boundaries is crucial in protecting personal well-being and strengthening marriages.
• Prioritize the Marriage: Ensuring that the marital relationship takes precedence over extended family or past relationships fosters mutual respect and support.
• Seek Personal Growth: Focusing on individual needs and happiness is essential for a fulfilling life and successful partnerships.
• Emotional Honesty: Being truthful with oneself about feelings and motivations can lead to healthier decision-making and relationships.

Notable Insight: Dr. DeLoney frequently refers to dysfunctional familial relationships as "cartoon characters," emphasizing the importance of not internalizing resentment towards individuals but rather addressing the underlying issues within the marriage dynamic.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• "[00:27] Your mother in law is a cartoon character. You don't resent bananas. You resent your husband because your husband talks to this woman every day."
• "[06:29] She’s bananas. You don’t resent bananas?"
• "[07:18] He can’t hold both sides of. He can’t hold all of this up."
• "[19:20] I do go along a lot with what he wants to do."
• "[25:17] What do you want to date again?"
• "[41:37] You’ve created a fictional character out of his wife."
• "[52:34] What I’m choosing to do, I’m not choosing to not be jealous of her. I’m choosing to be fully alive in my own body and my own marriage in my own house."

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Final Thoughts: In “Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?”, Dr. John DeLoney provides compassionate and practical advice to callers grappling with complex familial and marital issues. By encouraging self-reflection, honest communication, and firm boundary-setting, he empowers individuals to navigate their relationships towards healthier and more fulfilling outcomes.

Transcript

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up? What's up? Listen, me and Dave Ramsey are hitting the road and coming to a city near you, bringing our shows about life, money and relationships to your town. It's almost here, so don't wait. Grab your tickets for this amazing [e-mail] tour.

[Nicole]

How do I let go of resentment that I feel toward my mother in law?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, sweet. I say this with all due respect. Your mother in law is a cartoon character. So let's be honest about who you're really mad at. Your mother in law's bananas. You don't resent bananas. You resent your husband. What in the world's going on? What's up? What is up? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show taking your calls from all over planet earth about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life, your kids, your mother in law, your, your friends, your workplace, whatever you got going on in your life. I'm gonna sit with you and we're gonna figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show. Reach out to johndelony.com ask. There's a, there's an Internet form and you can fill it out. You can write as long as you want. And it'll go to Kelly and the gang and she builds the show. And if she picks you, she'll holler back girl at you. And even though she ain't no hollaback girl, she'll holler back girl at be ready to rock and roll. Love to have you on john deloney.com ask. All right, let's roll out to roll out to Tampa, Florida and talk to Nicole. Hey, Nicole, what's up?

[Nicole]

Hi. Thank you for taking my phone call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. Thanks for calling. What's up?

[Nicole]

Cool. So I want to know how do I let go of resentment that I feel toward my mother in law?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, sweet. All right, what's going on?

[Nicole]

Well, you know, it's like to sum her up in one word, I guess I would say she's kind of like a bully. She starts fights with family and her co workers. Often she's disrespected boundaries that my husband and I have set for our kids. She tends to like ruin family events and vacations if she has tantrums. Like she'll have a tantrum if she doesn't get her way, if we don't want to go along with exactly what she wants to do. So, you know, part of me feels like I should just not let it bother me and it didn't until I had kids. Now that I have kids, I just, I feel like I can't let go of like the bad behavior because I don't want it to influence my, My children.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So when you say she blows past you and your husband's boundaries, give me some examples.

[Nicole]

So a couple of years ago we asked my husband's family, everybody, my family too, but we asked everybody to not feed my kids like a specific thing because she was having some, some gut issues that we needed to figure out. And then turns out my mother in law was feeding her that particular thing and it really upset me. And then when I talked to her about it, she like screamed at me and yelled at me and said other people feed her this stuff, which is not true. She was just trying to deflect, I guess. And like we've also asked her to not buy our kids as many toys because every time we see her, she's always buying stuff for the kids. We have three kids and we live in a very small space and we don't have the room for it. So things like that, like, they. She just for some reason wants to do what she wants to do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's your husband's relationship with his mother?

[Nicole]

Question. Good question. He. They. They're close, but I think the closeness is more like guilt as opposed to. I really want to spend time with my mom. She's single, she's been married multiple times. And I think between him and his sister, they kind of feel like they have to be responsible for taking care of her emotionally maybe.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does close mean? Let me say it this way. It sounds like you're being Coyote.

[Nicole]

I, I probably am.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about the relationship between your husband and his mom.

[Nicole]

They talk a lot. A lot of the, A lot of the conversation is initiated by her. They talk almost every single day. Text message phone calls, sometimes multiple times a day. And that kind of. It shouldn't annoy me, but it annoys me only because I feel like she doesn't have any other, like relate like friendships or anything or anybody else to rely on. So she's, it seems like she's relying heavily on my husband for like, I don't know, male companionship, which sounds kind of gross, but that's what it feels like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I want to put something on the table. You tell me if I'm wrong. Yeah, your mother in law's bananas. And I say that in the most clinical, assessed kind of way. Right, sure. Um, she's bananas. You don't resent bananas? You resent your husband because your husband talks to this woman every day. He eggs it on. He continues to go to her and to accept it when she comes bargening in the house. Yeah, if, if, if. Let me put it this way. And I'll get some pushback on this. And I don't really care if my mom was completely disregarding something that was important to my child's health. I'm going to go directly and have that conversation. I'm not going to tell my wife, well, you need to go talk to my mom. Not going to do that.

[Nicole]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if they do it again or if it happens, maybe if it happens one time, I'm going to say, hey, guys, y'all are. You have mom, you've opted out of relationship with us. I'm. Hang up the phone. I'm not going to go. But for some reason, your husband keeps saying, we got to go, we got to go. We got to keep showing up. We got to keep taking the kids over there. Am I wrong?

[Nicole]

You're not wrong.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so let's be honest about who you're really mad at. Because, Because, I mean, I say this with all due respect. Your mother in law is a cartoon character.

[Nicole]

Of course.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. She like. It's, it's, it's, it's so out of bounds how she treats people. She's a cartoon character. And of course she's been through multiple marriages. And of course she struggles to keep work relationships. And of course she doesn't have any friends. She treats people really bad. She's clearly got major struggles that she's dealing with or she's choosing to not deal with. Right.

[Nicole]

And right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'd be willing to bet money that your husband and his sister have spent their entire lives propping up that madness. Right.

[Nicole]

I'm sure of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. But he looked at you and said, I do. And the moment he did that, his priority became you. And then y'all made humans and his priority became them. You get what I'm saying?

[Heather]

That's.

[Nicole]

You're completely right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He cannot hold both sides of. He can't hold all of this up. And so tell me about conversations you've had with him about, hey, I need you to, to deal with your mom.

[Nicole]

They. In the past.

[Romy]

Past.

[Nicole]

Like a long time ago when we first started having these conversations, it didn't really go so well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why not tell me about it?

[Nicole]

I think it's because I'm probably the first person that's really pushed back against her. Everyone else kind of accepts the behavior as well that's just who she is, and that's just what she does. And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, I'm talking about you and your husband. When you said, hey, this isn't okay how she treats me. This isn't okay how she treats our kids. I don't like watching another person. I don't care if it's your mom or not, treat my husband this way. What does he say?

[Nicole]

He has supported that, and he agrees. He sees it more now. It has taken him some time, but he does. He sees it more now. So he has gotten better at, you know, sort of, I guess, maintaining the boundaries. But there's still some times where, you know, he'll say, mom wants us to come over for dinner. And I'll say. And I'll roll my eyes. And then he'll get kind of upset about that. And I'll say, you know, I just don't really want to hang out with your mom or. And, you know, sometimes there's, like, a little bit of an argument there. But I think for the most part, he has done a better job of. Of protecting me and the kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'll say he hasn't, because he still brings to you, hey, this rattlesnake bites us all the time. Hey, just get bit once this week, please. And you're like, no. And then you act immaturely. You roll your eyes, right? And then y'all start the dance that y'all have. And I promise you, it's not just about her. Y'all do this about other stuff, too fair.

[Nicole]

Sometimes, yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's like, well, can we just. And you're like, ugh, Yeah.

[Nicole]

I do go along a lot with what he wants to do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. You know why? Because part of him is his mom, too. And it may be more subtle and it may be less dramatic, but y'all have recreated his childhood in your own house.

[Heather]

Ooh.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then in a weird. It is. But also, you've become his mom, too. So here's the thing. You can't. And I say this with all loving respect, and. And I do believe you got to honor and respect your parents, but I can't. I can't participate. Does that mean what. What does that mean? I'm not gonna talk bad about my mom. And also, I will never entertain dinner over there. I'm not going to be disrespectful to her. I'm not gonna engage in joking and blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm not gonna. I'm just not gonna be that person. And my kids will never go over there and I'm not going to subject my wife to any. Any person who screams and yells, any person who disrespects my kids and their health, any sort of crude jokes or talk, like, whatever y'all want. And then let's be honest about how this plays out in your sex life. Let's be honest how this plays out when y'all are planning vacations. Let's be honest about how this plays out when y'all two are deciding who's. Where y'all going to go to dinner. Because I almost guarantee you there's traces of it there, too.

[Nicole]

Yeah, you're right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I think mom has become a. A proxy. She's an easy target.

[Nicole]

You're right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can he. If y'all sit down and do the proverbial swipe the table clean, and you look at him and say, I'm tired of rolling my eyes at you. I want to be your wife, not your mom. I'm also tired of you not being my husband and defending me against this woman that continually comes after me. What is. What was his response be?

[Nicole]

I. I think he would agree with me, but I also think that that might not hold over time. You know, they tend to. His family, I've noticed, tends to, like, they'll forget about things over time. And I'm afraid that this would be one of those things, potentially.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so here's what it looks like. I will never go over there for dinner again. Please don't ask, because when you ask, you're putting me in a position to. To have to hold a boundary against somebody that's supposed to be on my team. Our kids will never go over there again. She is psychologically unstable. She makes our kids not safe. Emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, physically. Look at me, honey. They will never go over there again, period. So please stop asking. You know she's going to start screaming and yell, yes, I absolutely do. And by the way, she does that when I'm there anyway.

[Nicole]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She's. She's literally unsafe, and I'm afraid that.

[Nicole]

She'S going to start doing that to my children a hundred.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She already is.

[Nicole]

I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She already is. And like all little kids, they think it's their fault, and they start trying to solve it, and that's not their job. And can we be honest, dude? Grandmothers are supposed to be the greatest. The greatest source of endless joy and safety and laughter and love. And in your case, you don't have that. Your grandkids won't. I mean, your kids don't have that.

[Nicole]

Yeah, it's disappointing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I hate. It's heartbreaking. I hate it for them. But I. I think here. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to back up for a second, and let's just put mother in law aside. She's a cartoon. I know she's a real person that hurts real people. I get that. But let's just move her to the side. Let's be really honest. I want you to write this stuff down about your own marriage. Here's our dynamic, honey. When it comes to eating out. Here's our. When it comes to how we save money or spend money to it with our sex life with. I don't like this dynamic. We're recreating this. And maybe we're not recreating it with screaming and yelling and histrionic, like, madness. Maybe we're not doing that, but we're recreating it in this way, and I don't want to do that. And then here's the most important part, Nicole. Here's what I do want this to look like, and here's what I want this to feel like. I want my home to be a place of whom I want my husband to be. Someone I highly respect and who will get between danger and me and the kids, even if that's his mom. I want a husband who will spend as much time on me and our kids and lifting us up as he does trying to run around and prop his mother up. And here's what I'm contributing, because I know you're not. I mean, you got skin in this too, right? I'm gonna. I'm gonna stop rolling my eyes at my husband. I'm gonna stop being mad at you all the time and blaming your mom for it. We got some real challenges in our marriage. I want to get to the bottom of it. Let's start there. Let's start there. And then we'll make some very real, true, hard boundaries with another adult in your life that is psychologically unstable and that's making people unsafe. Very clear boundaries. I will not ever, period. Please do not ask again. And then we'll go from there. Thanks for the call, sister. Man, having a great mother in law is the best. And having a challenging, awful mother in law is a nightmare. So I know you're navigating this. I know millions of other people are navigating this. Thank you so, so much for. For the call. All right, sit tight. When we come back, a woman finally gets the courage to leave her husband, and then something happens. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've heard me say it a thousand times and I'm going to keep saying it. You're worth being well. And yes, therapy can help. Look, I see a therapist and let's be honest, a lot of you should too. And taking that first step to see a therapist can feel overwhelming. Maybe it's the time. Maybe you have some preconceived notions about therapy. Maybe it's the cost. And listen, we spend time and money on so many things. Going to the gym, gym memberships, organic groceries. Some of you are essential oil people. We wear tracker watches. But listen, when it comes to our mental and emotional well being, we hesitate. We hold back on the expense or on the time. 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And they all say the same thing. They're amazing. They take away our excuses and it makes working out easy. If you're ready to start taking control of your health, take the quiz to find your Perfect [e-mail] Deloney today. And right now, they have a special offer just for my audience. 89amonth when you lock in your plan, plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net DeLoney right now. That's train T R A I N trainwell.net DeLoney all right, we are back. Don't forget to subscribe to the show. We get 30 million views a month coming in and out of the show. If just a fraction of you guys would just hit the subscribe button, it would be red. So please hit the subscribe button. Hit the like and the, the five star review thing or whatever. You let the overlords know, the tech guys, the tech bros, that you dig this show. Thank you so, so much. Let's go out to Indianapolis, Indiana and talk to Heather. What's up, Heather?

[Romy]

Hey, Dr. John.

[Nicole]

How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great, sister. How are you?

[Romy]

I'm great. Thank you so much for taking my call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You got it. So what's up?

[Romy]

All right, I'm just going to jump right in and then we'll go backward as needed.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Cannonball. Let's do it.

[Romy]

Here we go. How do I balance staying close to my ex husband who still needs support, while not sacrificing my own chance at dating? Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, tell me more.

[Romy]

Okay, so in 2020, my now ex husband and I were heading toward a very amicable divorce. The only thing we were waiting for was our tenant's lease to expire and then he would move into a home that we own. And then he had a stroke.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your husband did or your ex?

[Romy]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Heather]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What was the nature of the stroke? Is it debilitating?

[Romy]

For the most part, yeah. It's still to this day, the doctors still look at that MRI and have no idea how he survived it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Romy]

So I stayed and because obviously I would never leave somebody like that. And rehabbed him, you know, did all the rehabs therapies, you name it, we did it. And he made a great turnaround. And so we did. After two and a half years of the rehab and everything, we did end up getting the divorce. He did end up moving into our home that we own, which is seven doors down from me. But I still go to every doctor appointment. I ask him to still come to the lake with our family, because I can't imagine not doing that for somebody. His three best friends live in three different states. His family lives in another state. I'm basically all that he has. And the thought of him sitting home alone while I'm still doing my family stuff breaks my heart. However, my friends are telling me, you know, you're never gonna date if you remain this close to him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, you never really got divorced.

[Romy]

True.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You signed the papers.

[Romy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you still love and care about this guy. You're almost like 50% wife and 50% mother. So let me ask you this. What do you. What. What. What does this relationship bring you? What are you. What are you getting from this relationship? Because it's easy to say, I have to do this because. Because of him. Him, him, him, him. And the way you painted the picture. He is making some astonishing choices. He's choosing to not move and be around his family. He's choosing to not be around some of his closest buddies on the planet. He's choosing to live in a house that's. I'm assuming your name is still on the deed of that house.

[Romy]

After the divorce things. Everything got squared around to that, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but whose house is it?

[Romy]

It's his now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you gave it to him free.

[Romy]

And clear, and I kept the one I'm in. Free and clear. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so you gave him a home seven doors down. And so all these things are choices, and so that he's making. So let me ask you, what are you getting from this? And there's not a wrong answer. I just want you to consider and be honest about. Okay, here's what I'm getting from this relationship.

[Romy]

That's a great question. I think for me, it might almost be some projection. Like, I remember being, you know, the little kid that nobody invited when they had plans, or even in college when there was a party and I didn't get invited and. How bad that hurt.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Romy]

And I would never want somebody to feel that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I get that. But it sounds like you still love this guy. Why'd y'all get divorced?

[Romy]

So 100% lack of intimacy. I mean, I cried, begged, pleaded. Couples therapy, individual therapy. You name it, I tried it, and it just. It wasn't there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so y'all weren't sleeping together?

[Romy]

No, it had been two years at that point. Okay, yeah. Yeah. Very lonely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Yet you've kept Up a sexless marriage.

[Romy]

Right. Yeah, He's. He's a great person. He's just not my person. But I. I have a lot of love for him. He was a great. He's the only guy that I've ever been married to. And because he was an excellent stepdad to my son, like, there's nobody more important than my son. So he's a great stepdad. Still super close to my son. He's a great guy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old your son?

[Romy]

32.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Romy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you're. When you say a great stepdad to your son, Your son was 27 at the time.

[Romy]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So he was a buddy to your son.

[Romy]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like just an adult male friend.

[Romy]

Yes. But also very, like, cared about him. Wanted to go down and see him at college, you know, really genuinely cared about him, which was huge for me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I would. I would suggest that the greatest thing a step parent can do for step kids, and I don't know if he would qualify as a step kid at 28, but I'll just. Just go with it. Would be to really treat his mother well.

[Romy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I hear that a lot. They're like, man, he's really a great dad to my kids. We just don't like each other anymore. And it's like. No, no, no. Being a really great dad is figuring out that part. Right. But here we are. I. I guess here's the thing. I think your friends are right. You are still loving and caring and inviting and hanging out with and neighboring with your husband. Your ex husband.

[Romy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it will be very strange for somebody else to enter into that, to be a third wheel into that relationship.

[Romy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I guess the question I ask you, do you want to date again?

[Romy]

Honestly, right now I'm really enjoying being. Being single.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what does that mean? Are you going to the club? Like, what does that mean at 50?

[Romy]

No, I enjoy hanging out with my girlfriend, you know, doing a lunch. And just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why can't you do that while you're dating or married?

[Romy]

I can. I, you know, working. I. Putting me first for a change, because there. For a couple years, I definitely did not. You know, obviously his health had to come first, which is fine. But I'm definitely enjoying putting myself first for a change. So the thought right now, honestly, the thought of dating is just not me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So I guess this is something to not think about. But I would consider you being honest with yourself about. From. From the outside. You're still. You'll. You're still married. You just live seven houses down.

[Heather]

All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or let Me, Let me put it this way. You are playing all sides of the fence. It's like there's a four houses that back up to each other and there's four different backyards. And all their fences make like a, like an X. Right. Like make a cross at some point. And you have one arm in one backyard, one arm in the other backyard, one leg and one leg, and you're just straddling this fence. You're kind of his wife. You are kind of on the market, you're kind of married and you're kind of not. And so you've got a whole bunch of different boats in the water, but you don't have both feet in any of them.

[Romy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's what I'm promising you is going to happen. You're going to wake up and be 60 and be frightfully alone. She never went all in on anything, right? Or no, let's let me take that back. You did go all in and you got hurt.

[Romy]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you sound like a pretty amazing person.

[Romy]

Thank you. Thank you. I try to be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And an incredibly codependent person too. So I guess my challenge to you would be really being honest with yourself. I guess I reject the notion that you can't date or be married or the alternative is I get to focus all on me.

[Romy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I'm saying?

[Romy]

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't think those are in opposition to each other. If you're in a marriage like, like where you are constantly being berated, you're underneath everything, every, everyone else's needs come before you and you're just a doormat. Yes, I get that sense.

[Romy]

Right. I think honestly, right now it's just there was so much caretaking for those two and a half years that it just, it just feels good to just. Okay, okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you're still caretaking.

[Romy]

True, true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does it look like to have a hard conversation where you all sit down and say, okay, I'm going to begin dating or I'm going to begin running my own life and you're going to have to make some decisions about long term care, your long term health, friends and community, family.

[Romy]

Yeah. That. The first thing that comes to my, my mind is just, it's gonna break his heart to not have his best friend there to help him be me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you still want to be helping him in that way?

[Romy]

Yes and no.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on. You've been people pleasing your whole life. Tell me the truth. Oh, are you done 100% or do you love it?

[Romy]

I don't love it. But you're right. I have definitely been people pleasing the whole life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because if he's a chore, if he is a. Or if he's a courtesy invite because you felt bad when you were a kid and you don't want somebody else to feel bad.

[Heather]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let me just be honest with you. He feels that. He knows he's. He's an add on.

[Romy]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's cruel to be honest with you because in some way you're using him so that your young childhood, so you're like inner child doesn't feel bad.

[Romy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's not fair to.

[Romy]

No, that. That's very valid. I never thought about it like that. That's. That's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you got divorced, if you went through a painful divorce, because being 47, 46 and wondering what is so undesirable about me that my husband won't sleep with me, that's painful. Right.

[Romy]

Ah, it was miserable.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And you really put yourself out there and got atomic extra super vulnerable and you felt rejected and rebuked and. And he might have had all sorts of other challenges. Who. I'm not, I'm not trying to berate him. I'm just like. Your experience is really tough.

[Romy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so if there, even after all that, you're like, dude, I still love this guy. I still like, he's still my best friend. I'm not going to leave my best friend high and dry. And if somebody wants to date me, then they just have to know I'm a caretaker too. That person will be out there somewhere, and you just got to make peace with it. What I don't love is you've set yourself up in a position where you will never get hurt again, but you can all. You will also never feel really great again.

[Romy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does that make sense?

[Romy]

Oh, 100. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because you just don't have both feet in any one boat.

[Romy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if it's in both feed in. I'm a freaking caretaker. That's my best friend. He's my ex husband. Trust me, new date person I'm dating, there is no sexual tension at all. Trust me. Right, Then great. Be a great best friend and be a great caretaker and forget the romance part. If my buddy Todd had a stroke and moved and I had a house seven doors down, I'd gladly let him move in there. And I still get to make jokes, but he would. I'd be happy to help him out. My oldest friend on planet Earth's a paraplegic. When we go out, dude, it's It's. It's not a chore, right, to wait longer or to sit at special places. Like, that's not a chore. That's just part of being like you do. Friend who loves somebody, right?

[Romy]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if people don't want to be my friend because I have a friend in a wheelchair, that good riddance, Right? So, I mean, it's. It's just not gonna be a thing. But I want you to. I got both feet in that. I want you to have both feet in that, or I want you to have both feet out.

[Heather]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's a hard call for you. I know that.

[Romy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And probably you probably. You've probably never had that call ever. I mean, you've probably never asked yourself that ever. And that's a tough, scary thing to do, to ask yourself, what do I really want at the age of 50? What do I want? And it's not going to make you a bad person to take, to begin to give a fellow adult autonomy after two or three years of caretaking, of taking care of somebody, of walking alongside them, taking them all the doctor's appointments, bringing them to all your family, get, like, getting somebody back on your feet. You've done an amazing, noble thing. I just want to make sure you didn't do this noble thing at his expense for you. But we did the noble thing because it was the right thing to do. And now we're gonna let this adult go be an adult again. And that means he's gonna have some hard choices to make, or we're just gonna keep both feet in the boat. So I'm all Team Heather, man. But let's do these things for the right reason. And let's ask ourselves the scary, scary question. What do I actually want with the back half of my life? This is halftime for you. You're halfway home. What do you want the back half to look like? You get to decide it. But whatever you decide, put both feet in one boat and then head out to sea. You were not meant to sit in the harbor. Thank you so, so much for the call. All right, anybody, stay with me. We come back, we're going to talk to a woman who just can't get over her husband's past. We'll be right back. All right, so Easter has come and gone again. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, or about building a relationship with God. And this is good News Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice and any time can be a new starting point. So if you committed to consistent prayer, gratitude, or a practice of reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. These small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful. Whether it's guided meditation, music or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life's gone bonkers. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for your faith with Hallow. When you sign up right [e-mail] Deloney you'll get three months for free. So even if you missed out on lint, it's still a great time to start again. Go to hallow.com that's h a l l o w halow.com deloney for three months for free. All right, we are back. Hey. We have been through three dates of tour, me and my buddy Dave Ramsey on the money and relationships tour, and it has been lights out, wheels off, man, having the time of our life. We're going to be in Phoenix on May 5th. We're going to be in Fort Worth on May 7th. Get your boots and your hats and come out and see us. That one may be sold out, but maybe not. Go check it out. And Kansas City on May 9th. Go to ramseysolutions.com tour and come see us live. Come hang out. All right, let's go out to Woodstock, Ontario and talk to Romy wherever I may. Romy, what's up? Romy?

[Heather]

Hi, Dr. John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How's it going?

[Heather]

Oh, it's going. I'm a first. 11 listeners of your show.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes, thanks for sticking with us for so long. That means the world to for sure.

[Heather]

I love your show.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're a saint. Thank you.

[Heather]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, maybe you're not a saint, but I'm grateful.

[Heather]

Well, I'm a great listener, but I don't know if I'm such a great participant.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I guarantee you will be. What's going on?

[Heather]

Oh, yeah. So I'm going to start by saying that jealousy is a thief of joy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Heather]

And, well, this woman that is my husband's ex wife, she is very in the center of everything and like even still in the family that I married into. And I get it. They have two children together which are grown now and we're very close. Actually the kids and I are like her. His Adult children are still very close. Like, we're very close to each other. And so that's not a problem at all. My husband's completely like, I'm not interested in this woman. Like, you must know this, so. And I believe it. Like, it's me. It's me and this woman. I don't know what on earth it is. Like, I'm obsessively always looking at her Facebook and see if she posts anything new, whether it's Instagram or whatever. And it's just. It feels ridiculous on my part, and I just wanted to see if there's anything I can do to stop these intrusive thoughts of her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, there sure are.

[Heather]

Yeah. And she's, like, always the epicenter of everything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, what does that mean? Because she's not the epicenter of. Of your. Your step kids, and she's not the episode. I mean, she's their mom, but she's not the epicenter of your husband. She's not coming over to your house. She's not sending you messages. Right. I mean, so is she just the epicenter in your mind?

[Heather]

Maybe? Because, you know, like, if anything happens in the family, she has to, you know, message my husband, even though he doesn't like that or, you know, and he doesn't really answer her or just get, like, a really short yes or no.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why does that. Why does that bother you? They have. They have kids together.

[Heather]

I know. I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I say it bothers you. Like, why not? That even bothers you, like, but I don't know. And I get that, right? I get that.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But, like, it doesn't. It doesn't. It's just not like a. It is a. It takes over your body.

[Heather]

Yeah, It's. It's. I don't know, John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, can we go down the rabbit hole?

[Heather]

Insane.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Will you come with me?

[Heather]

Yeah. Yeah. Please.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What are the most. And this is going to be hard, so feel free to say stop at any time. Okay.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to know you're driving. Okay. What is. What are the intrusive thoughts that haunt you the most?

[Heather]

Her life. Her good life. No, you have.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have a good life, right?

[Heather]

Yeah, but we work hard every day and, you know, and we just. Not that we just make ends meet, but, you know, like. Like we're grinding the grind, you know, every day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what makes you think she's not?

[Heather]

She goes to the Bahamas for four months in the winter, and then they have this marina up north in this coveted place in Canada, and she just seems like, she's, you know, riding the gravy train. But I mean, you're right. I don't know for sure if everything is so gravy or if it just looks that way. Right.

[Romy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I heard a rumor that, that everything you see on Instagram is not true.

[Heather]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And everything you see on Facebook's not true.

[Heather]

Right. Right. Yeah, it's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. Do you ever have intrusive thoughts of your husband and her together?

[Heather]

Never.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Heather]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have intrusive thoughts of them meeting the first time or. I heard one woman say this and I thought it was very, it was very savvy or. Let me just put this way. My daughter, when she was like five or six, was crying one night. My wife was like, why are you crying? And she said, Hank, our older son will always have had more time with you. And I was, it was, it was an age appropriate thing to be jealous about. Right. A five year old's very. Or four or five or six year old's very self centered. Right. The world revolves around them at that age. But it was a very clever way to say that. And I've heard a grown woman say that too. That my husband's longtime college girlfriend. I'll never. She knows him at a time that I didn't get to know him or she'll always have 10 years on me. Right. Does that drive you crazy?

[Heather]

Maybe that could be John, that's a good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh God. I don't want to put more things in your head thought to worry about that one. I'm trying to get to the bottom because. Because here's the deal. If none of that happens, because I hear, I'm just going through common things that I hear. I love my new husband and I just have flashes of him on his honeymoon. What I imagined his honeymoon with his exes like.

[Heather]

Right, right, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because I know he's told somebody else that he loves them too. Or he is rolled over after a wide of wild sex with somebody else too. Like I hear that.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then I also hear the. I am jealous that there was these long conversations at a diner about what our future lake house was going to look like one day. I don't like the fact that my husband, even though he loves me, he would never cheat on me. He's like perfectly, we're together, we're building our own thing. We've been together for a decade. I just hate the fact that he had that conversation with somebody else too, one time. Like I hear those things.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I'm not hearing you say that.

[Heather]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I tell you what? Okay, so let's get to the layer beneath the layer. You've created a fictional character out of his wife.

[Heather]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That person is not real. So let me ask you, what is this fictional character? Right? So like, think of Superman. Think of comic book characters. The reason we love those characters, because they can do things we can't. Superman can fly across the world and so fast, he can back up time to save his girlfriend. He can pick up a car. Right. Flash can run real fast. Right. They can do these things that we can't do. And so it's intriguing to be like, man, if I could do that, I would fill in the blank.

[Heather]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you've created this fictional character. She just happens to have a real name and a real face.

[Heather]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is she doing that is reflecting the life that you live, that you feel dead in your own skin, inside your own life.

[Heather]

That perfect, you know, going away for four months because I'm like, I love the south and I love the beach, and. And it's like, you know, she's going there for four months. I can't even go there for a week.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why? Why, why? Why do you have a life that you've co created with your husband? Y'all can't go to the beach for one week?

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why?

[Heather]

I know we've had a few knocks also in our life, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no, don't circle the question. Just go right through it. How come? Why do y'all have a life that you'll have co created where you can't even get away for a week at the beach?

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is it finances? Is it just too expensive?

[Heather]

Yeah. Now, I would say that's mostly it. Financial obligations.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about some of these obligations.

[Heather]

We've got a house and mortgage, and we have this line of credit we got to pay down, which is, you know, which takes precedent, Right. Over anything else.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is the line of credit for?

[Heather]

I inherited some money from my mom when she passed a couple years ago. But she got married again. And unbeknownst to us and my mom, her husband had claim to this money, which we have already used up on our house renovations and things like that, so. And then they went to court and we were on the hook for everything to take to pay this man back.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is your mother still married to him?

[Heather]

Yeah, but she left him. She left him to be with me and take care of her until she dies. She wasn't happy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Horrible human being. Yeah, but did your mom sit by him in court while they sued you?

[Heather]

No. She was already passed at that point.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your mom had already passed away.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So let me get this right. Your mother, her husband passes away. Oh, no. She passed away?

[Heather]

Yeah. My mom passed away.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She left you some money in the will.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But her husband, who's not your father, claimed it, right?

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you get a check from her estate. You'll spend that money, this ex sues you and said she didn't have the right to will you that money.

[Heather]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You'll have to pay it back.

[Heather]

Yeah. And Canada law was like, yep, he has a claim to it, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To all of it.

[Heather]

And yeah, it was 80%, but I had to pay all these lawyer fees too, so we were, like, really not in good shape.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's wild.

[Heather]

Yeah. Yeah. So that really set us back.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Heather]

Kind of threw my husband in a whirlwind of how much money was. It was all together 120,000.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wow. I'm sorry that happened.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What a mess.

[Heather]

I know. It's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, and I, and I say this guy is a horrible guy, to be honest with you. It sounds like your mom set you guys up to fail.

[Heather]

Yeah. I mean, we should have been more proactive and revisited the will after she married this person. Right. But we thought that because she made it out solely me, it's like, okay, it's ironclad. Stamp on it, everything's good. So, you know, it was ignorance on our part, really.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. So I won't cast judgment on him or anybody. We'll just say this is just one of those situations that just stinks. It is what it is what it is.

[Heather]

Right? Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what do y'all do for a living?

[Heather]

Well, I may. Or the road driver, and so it's my husband, so we don't see each other all week.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Heather]

So we drive. Drive.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is this a life you like living?

[Heather]

You know, I used to love it. I'm starting to kind of feel maybe not as happy about it. And maybe that is part of the part that's doing this whole thing with this woman, the ex. I, I, she has that great life. And I'm sitting here, let me just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Say, you know what I mean? She doesn't.

[Heather]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She's got some cool things that she gets to do because she's got resources. Maybe she remarried well or she's got family money or whatever.

[Heather]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I promise you, she's got problems, too. She gets hemorrhoids, too. She gets real bad gas, too.

[Heather]

Right, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, like, so, like, she, she's got her life also.

[Heather]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to consider. How old are you?

[Heather]

I'm 58.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

58?

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You're getting to the end of the third quarter, right? Of your life, Right. Maybe you're midway through the third quarter. We'll be generous. I want you and your husband to sit down and ask yourselves for the last quarter and a half of our life, right. What do we want this thing to look like? And let's be really honest about it. And by the way, I live in Nashville, Tennessee, where tons of people come here to be songwriters and drummers and guitarists and bass players, and they're amazing. And then life changes, and there's always a challenge because they say, like, I used to really love this life. I just don't love it anymore. And they almost feel great. Ungrateful, because it finally happens, right? They finally make it, quote, unquote, and then they have the third kid and they're like, I really just want to be with my kids. I don't want to go on the road. Right. And it feels like this is tension. Can I just tell you, you got permission to do whatever it is you want to do.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you're allowed to exhale and say, hey, I've only got so many more summers to go to the beach. That's going to be part of our life now. Yeah, but that means that's not. You can't yolo, right? You can't just be a goofball about it. That means. Yeah, you got math. And so maybe we're going to sell our house and move to a smaller house, because I'd rather go to the. I'd rather go to the beach and live a fun, exciting, like, have a little bit more life in my skin than work as a slave to a mortgage company.

[Heather]

Right, Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. Maybe this one. This one terrible debt. Let's just work like crazy. Hey, husband. We're going to go nuts for one calendar year and get this thing paid off. We're going to work every single day, every weekend. We'll take extra jobs. We're going to work on the side. We're going to, like, take extra load. Like, we're going to just work bananas. B A N A N A S. Right? And then for my 59th birthday, I want to not owe this debt anymore.

[Heather]

Right? Yeah, I know. And that's a great plan. And I said to my husband, let's just downsize. You know, we don't need this big house. Like, we. I know we have four kids between.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The two of us, but they're grown, right?

[Heather]

Adults yeah, they come over for, you know, a weekend. Yeah, but we don't. We don't need all that room. Like, we can make do with something smaller.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How much equity do you have in your house?

[Heather]

You mean like if. If we sold it?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you sold it, how much? What kind of. How big of a check would they write you?

[Heather]

Probably about 500,000.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My gosh.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can we just exhale for a second? If you sold that and bought a condo for 350 grand.

[Heather]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

For 400 grand. 300. Let's say 350 grand after fees.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's not going to be a super nice condo in Ontario. I know that. But it will be. It will be yours. No one can take it. And then you write a check to this guy and he's off your back forever.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then you'll look at each other and say, what do we want to do now? Because we can do anything.

[Heather]

Right? Exactly. And I would, you know, jump on that, John. I would.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, here's where most people go sideways. They go to their significant other, they go to their romantic partner, and they start piecemealing it together, issue by issue. I want to sell the house. I want to downsize. I want a different car. I want to stop driving this car. I want to sell this car. I want to get this loan paid off. And here it sounds like somebody's nagging them to death.

[Heather]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's different than, hey, we have a quarter and a half of our life left. I want to go wheels off. And here's what's going to have to happen for that to take. To take place. And if you look at your husband and say, I want to have peace in this home so I can love you recklessly and insane until I die.

[Heather]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I got to get out of this truck. I don't need to be driving on these icy roads at 59 years old.

[Heather]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't need to be changing a tire in the middle of winter at 59 years old.

[Heather]

Mm.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right? So, yeah, husband, let's sell his house. Let's buy a condo. Not even a super nice one, just one. That's going to be great. The kids will be fine.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's pay this guy off. Let's owe nobody anything, and then we can decide what kind of job we want to have. All right, now you're solving for freedom. And then you know what? Who cares about this fictional character, right?

[Heather]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. I want to build in a couple of other boundaries for you. Okay.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right after you get off this call. Okay. You've been with me for a long time. You've been with me since the very beginning, right?

[Heather]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right.

[Heather]

100.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Say, I promise I'm gonna do what you. What you ask.

[Heather]

I promise I'm gonna do a job.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just for 30 days.

[Heather]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

As soon as we get off this, you, I want you to block her on Facebook. I want you to block her on social media.

[Heather]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you can't. You can't see her, you can't go.

[Heather]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to tell your husband, hey, I've blocked her from everything I don't want. I'm not gonna go look at what she's doing. I'm not gonna see what she's doing. I'm not gonna Google her anything. If she reaches out to you for a family issue, unless something's happening to our kids. And I need to know. I don't want to know about it. I don't need to know.

[Heather]

Right. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What I'm choosing to do, I'm not choosing to not be jealous of her. I'm choosing to be fully alive in my own body and my own marriage in my own house.

[Heather]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm going to start stop outsourcing that to Marvel character that I've created.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It just happens to look a lot like your ex wife.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right?

[Heather]

Yeah. I love that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And keep your promise to yourself for 30 days. I could care less what she's doing. I'm going to spend that energy building the life that I want to live.

[Heather]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So maybe you're going through and looking at condos. You're going through and interviewing real estate agents. You and your husband are trying to figure out how. I know Canada takes 95% of your paycheck for taxes, but what kind of job could we do that's not driving that I could get into right now? Right. Like, what does that world look like? Let's begin spending our energy on living. We're not going to outsource it to some fictional fantasy character that we've created. We're going to start living our life, and there's some reality to us. We got to pay these debts off. We're going to sell the house. It's been fun. It's been great. Where we raised our kids. And now we're going to go to something that we can manage for the last 25 or 30 or 40 years of our life. We can manage because we want to spend more time on the road seeing our grandkids. We want to take all that driving experience and drive all the way to Gulf Shores in Alabama and go to the beach. Just a good old fashioned American beach. We're going to go all the way down. Or you can go to Lake Michigan, right, or whatever. But we're going to start living the life that we want to live. Thank you so much for the call, Romy. Really grateful for you. We'll be right back. Okay, let me tell you about Cozy Earth and their amazing buy one, get one free offer that they created just for you. But first, let's talk about your mom. I know, I know we're not supposed to talk about each other's moms, but when you think of mom, what comes to mind? Patience, resilience, love, showing up every day. I know for some of you, thinking about your mom can bring up tough memories and really tough challenges. But for most of us, thinking of the moms in our lives is reason for deep gratitude. For me, I think about my mom who taught me so much and she gave me life, for crying out loud. I think about my wife and how she's an incredible mom to our kids, how she sacrifices for our family. She loves us and she works tirelessly day in and day out. She's the best mom I know. So whether you're celebrating a mom, remembering one, honoring one, wanting to be one, or just navigating motherhood in an unexpected way, let's all agree moms out there deserve the best. They deserve Cozy Earth. From Cozy Earth's temperature regulating bedding to their ultra soft pajamas, Cozy Earth creates comfort that feels like peace. And God knows most of our moms need a little more peace. Cozy Earth's bamboo pajamas are the perfect way to wrap her or any other special person in your life and even yourself in comfort and care. And to celebrate moms everywhere, this weekend only, May 2nd through May 4th, Cozy Earth is offering you a special promo. 40% off with code Deloney and buy one, get one free bamboo pajamas. Come on, y'all. Use code Deloney Bogo D E L O N Y B O G O to take advantage of [e-mail] that's cozy. C O Z Y cozyearth.com in code Deloney Bogo. All right, we are back. Kelly, cool shirt with the lipstick. Kisses all over. Yes, thank you. A little provocative.

[Romy]

Unlike me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I mean, that's what all your tattoos are. Except they're like sequins. Purple sequins, but whatever. It's cool anyway.

[Romy]

Hey, there's something over your shoulder, though.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That keeps catching my eye. What is that new shiny thing? Yeah, dude, the tubes, man. They sent us their. Our Gold Million subscriber plaque. Now I can stare down. My 14 year old will be like, yeah, that's right. I am a YouTuber. Your old man's a YouTuber. All my dreams have come true, Kelly. This. And somebody stopped me in the airport and said they saw me on Tick Tock and I was like, all my dreams are coming true at the same time.

[Romy]

But you know who we really need to do?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What we need to do is we need to thank all million of those.

[Romy]

People because they're amazing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All of them, all of you. Because without you guys, I am that weird guy outside the airport just yelling, hey, you should fix your marriage. Hey, that's not really what ADHD is. And then I would. They would pick me up and they'd put me in a van and make me talk to somebody and instead we're on the Internet. We might ought to do that anyway. Yeah, but now I'm on the Internet and we get paid for it. But dude, like that last caller, one of the original OG17s, man. Some of you guys have been with us for several years now, just continuing to ride it out. I cannot tell you how grateful I am. Those of you who share the show, those of you who still write me, I get a stack of mail every two weeks that comes through this, the building here. Just handwritten letters, man. Those that come to the live events, come to the everybody who took a second to just hit the subscribe button. It means the absolute world to me. And there is a small but growing group of people who are just deciding we're going to live differently. I'm just going to parent differently. I'm going to be married differently. I am going to reject the nonsense out there in the culture that says, this is how you have to do it. Hey, Kelly, I went to pick up something the other day and from a guy's house and his wife came in with their little one and she was like, I don't want to be weird, but I love your show. And I was like, man, it means the world to me. Thank you so much. And she goes, yeah, you told me I was emotionally immature for yelling at my toddler. And the toddler was there and I was like, I was like, oh, this is how I die, right? Just like this. But she was actually really awesome. But it was like I had never considered, like when I'm mad, like, oh, yeah, this kid's too. Like, it was awesome. And the fact that she took a second just to say thank you just means the world to me, but it's those little tiny things that people are slowly doing and that I'm. I'm getting to remind myself by saying it all the time. Like, dude, I need to be a better dad and a better husband too. But it's everybody working together on this deal, and it's so, so amazing. So, yes. Thank you, everybody. And everybody in the booth, Everybody in the club getting tipsy. Thanks, everybody. And I think we celebrate this. We all go out. The great Kate over at my favorite tattoo shop on the planet. I think she gives us all a million tattoo. I'm in just one mil. That would be dope. Old English right across your back, Kelly. You'd have to go over the eagle thing that you have and the Raiders logo, which I don't know about that story, but we'll have to hear that story one day. That is sacrilege. That's what I said when I saw it. Well, number one, you wearing a bathing suit to work was sacrilege. But then the Raiders tattoo in Old English was like, man, I did not see that coming. It's weird. Like, the. The cowboy star right there. Like, right there below your neck that you cover up with makeup every morning. It was just. It's just weird. It's weird, but it's cool. That's far more likely than any Raiders tattoo. I don't know, dude. I don't know. Boys in the hood are always hard, Kelly. Always. You come talking that. Hey, love you guys. Bye.