← The Dr. John Delony Show
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- [00:00]
Dr. John DeLoney
What's up? What's up? Listen, me and Dave Ramsey are hitting the road and coming to a city near you, bringing our shows about life, money and relationships to your town. It's almost here, so don't wait. Grab your tickets for this amazing night@ramseysolutions.com tour. Never before in what, 700 plus episodes of this show have I been so incredibly lit up like a Christmas tree on the Internet's for how badly I just totally screwed up. Jesse was on the show. Kelly and I talked and I was like, dude, let's get Jesse back on the line. Jesse, you there? What's going on? What is going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. Hope you are doing well and wherever you happen to find yourself, hope there's a path for peace in all of the madness. And if there's not and you feel stuck, I'm glad you're here. The show, we sit with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show. If you want to be on give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to john deloney.com ask a s k. Love to have you on and figure out what's going to happen next in your life. And hey. All right, so we have this first caller that's up. He is. I'm gonna go ahead and let. I'm gonna go ahead and invite him on Auburn, Alabama. Jesse, you there?
- [01:31]
Jesse
I'm here, Dr. John.
- [01:33]
Dr. John DeLoney
What's up, my brother? How we doing?
- [01:34]
Jesse
I'm doing okay.
- [01:35]
Dr. John DeLoney
All right, so I'm gonna give everybody the backstory here. So Jesse was on the show probably a month ago, three weeks ago, two weeks ago. Okay, that's right. So Jesse was on the show talking about a complicated issue and never before, in what, 700 plus episodes of this show have I been so incredibly lit up like a Christmas tree on the Internet's for how badly the Internet people said I blew the call. I just totally screwed up. And so Kelly and I talked and I was like, dude, let's get Jesse back on the line. Because here's the deal. I get to hang up the phone, right? I hang up the phone, I finish the call, then I go into the next. And people who are on the show, they're just kind of there, right? Jesse, you're just like on the other end of the line when I hang up, Right?
- [02:26]
Jesse
Right.
- [02:27]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. So I wanted to give you an opportunity to a. Just let me have it If I need to just. If you just need to let me have it, I would love to know, after the. After the call, you hung up, what you felt, if you felt heard, if you felt seen, if you felt like I attacked you. And most importantly, how have the days been since? Are you still haunted by what you called me about?
- [02:57]
Jesse
Yeah. So I thought you gave some relevant advice. I took it to heart, as I do all advice, and then I make it my own, and I take it into my situation, my reality. And you had advised me to, you know, apologize to my wife for feeling that, you know, making her feel that part of her wasn't welcome in the home and at the same time, you know, to let her know that the things that she had said about her college past 20 years ago had bothered me. It made me feel a certain way. So I did that in some regard. I did take that advice and, you know, spoke to her, you know, about what I'd seen and let her know that there's. I'm sure there's a reason she feels she can't talk to me about those things and then shared it with some other people. And I told her, I don't think that justifies you going and talking to other people. I don't. I don't appreciate it, and I don't appreciate the way it makes me feel. But I thought about a couple of things from our last conversation, Dr. John, about kind of had we had this conversation that she didn't speak that way, and I was. And I responded, no. And then I got to thinking, yeah, we did. You know, when we were standing on the aisle on our wedding day and promising to forsake all others and promising to cherish the other person. I considered that to be the conversation, that we wouldn't have inappropriate conversations about our past, especially with people that, you know, either of us spouses or partners knew that we were having. I told you in the last call, I knew she had a group of friends that were there during those days, and they talk about it, and it doesn't bother me a bit. But bringing it to these people that weren't there and are new people just felt totally inappropriate to me, and I still feel that way. I also got to thinking about, you know, me feeling like she was tainted. I felt that way during the phone call, a way that I'd never felt before. And I felt that way for several days after. And then I. And then I thought and thought and I said, I don't feel that way. I don't feel like she's Tainted at all. I love the day we got married. I love the beautiful, strong, sweet woman I got married to. She had a few partners in college. Nothing outlandish like some of these text threads are saying, which is hurtful to me when your people speak like that about my beautiful wife just because she did what 99% of other people did in college and have just a handful of partners that, yeah, I'm not happy about. But nobody is. You said that yourself. Sure, but she's not a tainted woman. I don't feel that way. But I do feel like her recent conversations have tainted our marriage. And not that it's irrevocable or irreversible, or maybe it is a little irreversible. Maybe it's always going to be a thorn in my foot that I'm going to have to walk with, as I will be married to this woman for the rest of my life. I know that. And I know that she is not, not, not cheating on me and not wishing that she had done other things. And we're inseparable. We had the greatest twenties and the greatest thirties, and as you said, we raised humans together and great communication. And, you know, people get into their 40s, they get into a lull. And I do think that she found a new group of friends, and they had some work trips and had a little too much to drink. And she likes to get a rise and a joke out of people. And I get that at the same time, it hurt. It hurt like. And I know some people, you know, say, hey, get over it, man. You know, everybody does that. And I. And I am over the past. I am over it. To say that it doesn't, you know, have a little bit of a irritating feel of the past would be a foolish thing for any human being to say. Everybody's going to, as you said, you know, not love that their, you know, life partner had some experiences before them. I think any decent person is gonna not like that. There may be some body count, 100 people out there that say, get over it. They don't count. They're not in this conversation. The conversation I'm having is with my spouse, who has been the love of my life. And I know that I've been the same to her. Our twenties were the greatest. They were adventurous. I mean, I'm close with her friends, and they've just come to me with wows in the beginning, and I'm still close to them to stay. But the fact of the matter is, and what I'm calling about is, is I Found some conversations that were hurtful and made me take a step back and realize that marriage is very challenging, even when you seem to do everything right and everything feels right. And then you find out that for a year or two, your spouse is making some inappropriate jokes. Just a handful, you know, just a dozen. But, you know, I just can't. To me, it hurts. If it doesn't bother other people, you know, they can go live their life.
- [09:09]
Dr. John DeLoney
That's right. But so can I. Can I tell you I was outstanding, and I really. I'm really honored that you laid that out there that way. Well done. It's well done. How did your conversation go with. Let me pause real quick for everybody listening, and you're like, what is he talking about? Maybe I. They missed the episode. Jesse called me, and there was a. Jesse had chosen to only sleep with the person he was going to be married to, and his wife didn't have that same value system when they got married. And then they have been inseparable since. And. And then Jesse found out that on a work trip with some friends, she was talking about her past. She's talking about was the greatest time of her life. And it was when the good stuff happened and whatever. And Jesse. I took Jesse down a whole different path. Right. And so that. That made people uncomfortable. And, Jesse, I want to tell you, I didn't do a good enough job. I think in that call of. I guess, let me say it this way, I came into that call with a bias, and it's my personal bias. And I think it's because I get so many calls about before, about partners who had different value sets before they were together and somebody trying to hold them accountable for values that. That I let my own baggage come into this conversation. And what I didn't hear, because I was too blinded by my own bias, what I didn't hear was a guy saying, hey, dude, I really love my wife, but she hurt me. What do I do next? Yeah, and that's on me, man. And I want to hear. I want you to hear me say I'm sorry that I missed that because I had a hurting guy in front of me, and I chose to take something that I'm natural. I'm. I'm increasingly frustrated about culturally, and I made you the whipping boy for that, so I'm sorry.
- [11:13]
Jesse
Well, I appreciate the apology. I also think, you know, in your defense, me and you may have been headed to the Rocky Mountains, and we got on the train in the Great Plains, and we got to the next station and we're like, hey, there's no mountains. We're just not there yet. I think the conversation ended prematurely, and maybe we would have got there.
- [11:34]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah.
- [11:34]
Jesse
Once there was more.
- [11:35]
Dr. John DeLoney
Well, how did the conversation go with. With your wife?
- [11:40]
Jesse
It went well. My biggest complaint today, and I guess the reason I'm back on the show, is because she did break down and apologize, wrote me a letter, realized she took our marriage for granted, and didn't, you know, said some inappropriate things, kind of, you know, blamed it on, you know, a little bit alcohol, a little bit of wanting to get a rise out of. Out of some people. And we've had several conversations since. I mean, some of them have been productive, and some of them have been, you know, maybe after a little too much alcohol again, and we just run in circles. But I'm just not getting the closure that I want to get, to move on. I continue to wake up at night and. Which is unusual for me, but for the last month or so, I mean, I just wake up every night, stare out the window and. Because I can't seem to get the closure. Because one thing that I've heard you say before is, you know, you have to come to these conversations willing to be vulnerable and willing to accept the fact that there's. There is a chance that the other person will leave. I don't think we're in that conversation, but I'm not. I don't feel like I'm getting the full vulnerability or the full admittance of guilt. Not that I want to shame her once again. I mean, I just have to say that again and again. But I need her to say, just, I've done this. This is why I did it. I don't know why she said those things other than a joke. And that doesn't seem like a justifiable. Does it seem like a justifiable, vulnerable comment that I can let it hurt me for just a moment and then know that we went there?
- [13:47]
Dr. John DeLoney
Is it because, you know, in your guts it wasn't a joke or there was a little bit of truth to it, or.
- [13:52]
Jesse
I mean, there's a little.
- [13:53]
Dr. John DeLoney
There's a. Yeah, you said it. So good. 20s were wheels off. 30s, we had kids and built a life, and then 40s and got kind of. They start to get stale. They get routine. People just get into the roles. And I'm wondering if you feel that, too. And to hear her and to read it, how she articulated what she was feeling as a sense of regret, as a sense of the good old days, as a sense of this is Just, I'm kind of like, to use your train analogy, I'll just get dragged behind this train now. That's just the way my life is. But man, it used to be like. And there's some sense of, I guess there's some sense of truth to it. And maybe you're not getting that there's.
- [14:41]
Jesse
Truth in every joke. I mean, even the worst of jokes.
- [14:44]
Dr. John DeLoney
That's right. That's why, that's why comedians, I think they're modern day prophets, right? Because they make you laugh, but they're like, oh, that's kind of true. Right.
- [14:50]
Jesse
They, they tell more truth than anybody there is.
- [14:52]
Dr. John DeLoney
That's right. That's right.
- [14:53]
Jesse
And so I, I know that, yeah, you're right. There's that little bit of truth to it is what's bothered me so bad. And the fact that she won't come out and say that.
- [15:02]
Dr. John DeLoney
Did she, she, she unwilling to admit that there's distance between y'all now that, that happened before this, this kind of shined a light on it, but that we were kind of just running side by side and it's time. You hear me say this on the show all the time. It's time to clear the deck. Let's build something new, man. We're, we're in decade three. Let's build something rad.
- [15:20]
Jesse
That's. I want to knock down the building, but I feel like she won't admit that there is that little bit of truth in there because she's terrified of hurting me.
- [15:31]
Dr. John DeLoney
Gotcha.
- [15:32]
Jesse
And I won't. I told her that I want her to hurt me. The only way that I can get through this is to get that vulnerable, rock hard pain so that I can know why she said it. Because you're right, there's a little bit of truth in there. I don't think there's been a distance here lately. I think there's been a lack of excitement, possibly.
- [15:54]
Dr. John DeLoney
Sure, that happens. And it's, you have to, you have to practice novelty and playfulness. Those things are hard, right. When you've been married to the same person for 20 something years.
- [16:03]
Jesse
But I can't get her to fully admit to, to it. I mean, she's wrote me a letter a couple of times and now I've played my cards like I don't get to bring it up again.
- [16:18]
Dr. John DeLoney
Let me, let me say this, let me say this. Can I ask, can I challenge you on another thing on the other side?
- [16:22]
Jesse
Yeah.
- [16:26]
Dr. John DeLoney
Is there anything you're not bringing to the table or have you said, have you said out loud, I feel a distance. And I want us to begin to build something new with their marriage.
- [16:40]
Jesse
I, it's very possible I haven't been that clear, but I, I did, I did bring vulnerability to the conversation.
- [16:50]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. And I, I'm proud of you.
- [16:52]
Jesse
I have since, you know, changed my day to day conversations to be a little, little more open, a little less hiding. I mean, I'm no saint. I've made some mistakes in the last five or seven years, too, that were, you know, little one off things you got to go ask forgiveness for.
- [17:12]
Dr. John DeLoney
Sure.
- [17:12]
Jesse
Everybody has, you know, it was this pattern of, Of a person I didn't recognize. And I was disappointed in the immaturity and, you know, disappointed in just, you.
- [17:26]
Dr. John DeLoney
Know, I mean, so can I. I did not do this outright last time, so I want to give you permission to feel disappointed. I want you to have permission to feel unnerved. Because the person you've been married to for two decades, you saw some things that she had written and some things she had said, and that made you go, I don't think I know you.
- [17:50]
Jesse
Yeah.
- [17:51]
Dr. John DeLoney
That you have permission to be heard. That. Yeah, it's, it's not cool. Like what you say. Like, like nobody wants their spouse to be talking about, man, I'm married to this person. They're great, but, man, I used to. Nobody wants that. That's a, that is a, That's a violation of the, of, of. I'm going to say, the sanctity of marriage. That's, That's a violation of just dignity and respect for each other and what y'all are, what y'all have together. So I don't want you to feel crazy.
- [18:30]
Jesse
No, I believe it was a betrayal.
- [18:32]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah.
- [18:33]
Jesse
I mean, I don't think it was. These emotional affairs that people talk about. There's no one isolated person. There's been comments in the thread that this person so and so.
- [18:43]
Dr. John DeLoney
No, no, don't read the. Bro, don't, don't, don't, don't read those threads. Don't read those threads. They'll make you nuts. But let me, let me pause it. One more thing. Okay. I've never met somebody in the criminal justice system. I've never met somebody on the other side. I've never met somebody on the other end of divorce. I've never met somebody when somebody hasn't does an accident or whatever, or commits a crime or has accident and they're. And they lose a kid or what. I've never met that person who finally has that big conversation and it feels like they thought it was going to feel on the other side of that big conversation. And I'm wondering if that might be what you're wrestling with, which is, let's, let's take her at her word. She wrote you the letter. She drank too much. She was being stupid. They were one up in each other, and she was like, oh, yeah. And they called her Goody Two Shoes. And she was like, you don't know college me. And she told some stories about the good old days.
- [19:47]
Jesse
Yeah.
- [19:47]
Dr. John DeLoney
And that really hurt you. And she wrote you a letter and said, you're my ride or die. I love you. That was stupid. I made some bad jokes and I'm sorry. No, Right. I don't know that what you anticipated the other end of that was going to feel like, but I've never met somebody who. Who nails it.
- [20:13]
Jesse
I mean, I don't know either. I've never been hurt like this before. Well.
- [20:18]
Dr. John DeLoney
And I guess what I want to challenge you, not challenge you, but just speak out into existence. Is most of the time people still hurt after the apology.
- [20:29]
Jesse
Oh, yeah.
- [20:30]
Dr. John DeLoney
It doesn't make what happened go away.
- [20:33]
Jesse
And I guess that's frustrating for me because. And I hate. I don't mean anything as far as I want her to feel bad. But what I'm trying to say is, like, you know, the crime punishment doesn't fit the crime type thing. Like, okay, I got a letter and I'm just supposed to move on.
- [20:53]
Dr. John DeLoney
No, I think we circle back. I think it's. I, I. So I want you to stop thinking in terms of, like you said, like, we're, we're keeping score. Like, my pain's got to be the same as your pain. And if I hurt this bad, you have to hurt that bad. That kind of scorekeeping, man, is always going to end in contempt. And that's one of the Gottman's Four horsemen of the end of a relationship. Because it gets to be this hierarchy. You did this, so I get to do this. Forgiveness is. I'm not carrying that anymore. Still hurts. Still hurts. I lost a little bit of trust in you. If that's the case, I'm going to ask you to not drink on these trips, because that was a betrayal for me and hurt real bad. And I guess I also want you to be careful of putting yourself in her head and assuming, you know, how bad she's hurting or not hurting just by how she's responding. But also, dude, it is super okay to say okay, it's been two weeks. It's been three weeks. You wrote me this amazing letter. I want to read it out loud to you, and I want to let you know how I feel when I read it. Like, I want to read it out loud to you. I don't want to do that. It would, it would really, it would really mean the world to me if I could read this out loud to you. But also, yeah, be careful of wanting to hurt her back or wanting her to hurt back. And I guess be weary of your own expectation of what you think it's supposed to feel like. On the other end of an apology, sometimes it just still stings and you forgive her and you say, okay, I get it, and it still stings. And the next time she's going to a trip out of town, your heart rate's going to go up and you're going to text a little bit more and she's going to commit, hey, I'm not drinking on this trip. Not going to do that. I'm not going to do that because I know I hurt you last time. And I guess part of that is just trusting in if you keep showing up and saying, how can I love you today? And she keeps showing up and saying, hey, Jesse, how can I love you today? That over time that pain stings a lot less and your default setting slowly resets itself. But you're not crazy for being hurt. I don't think you're crazy at all. I just want you to be careful about pushing and pushing and pushing to make sure she feels in some way as bad as you do. Or like you said, she can't just get off scot free with an apology. I want you to think that all the way through because that makes you the judge, the jury, and the executioner and be real clear about what you want her to experience on the other end. And you may never get that. And I think that's part of being married. It's part of being in a relationship with somebody. So thank you so, so much for the call. I'll put you on hold. Like the, the background noise is really loud. I want to say this to everybody. I brought my own bias to that last call. I brought my own frustration with outside issues. And I, man, I, I dumped them all those hinder blocks into Jesse's backpack and said, brother, you're carrying this. I did hear in that last call that there was this feeling, this sense of I made better choices than she did. And so somehow there was an inequity. So I'm glad you said, like, man, I hadn't thought about that. I'm glad we got to have that conversation. But also, I want everyone to hear I brought my issues to a hurting person. And, Jesse, that's not right. And so on. On behalf of everybody, I want to tell you I'm sorry I missed it. And, man, you're allowed to have your heart broken. And I'd be heartbroken, too, if my wife was telling everybody, man, before I met my husband. It was really awesome. I'd be heartbroken, man. As a betrayal. I think the big question is, what does forgiveness look like? And in your home, what does forgiveness feel like? And most importantly, beyond looks and feelings, what are we going to commit to doing day in and day out, minute by minute, hour by hour, so that our marriage gets stronger and back on track over time? You're an awesome guy, brother. Thanks for calling me back and having the courage to let me know where I got it right and where I didn't get it right and took a lot of courage for you to come back on. So I'm really, really grateful for you, brother. But I think y'all step back and set up another meeting. And you read that letter back gently. Not. Not in an accusational way, but gently. And let's get back on the same page, and we're gonna still keep moving forward. All right? So when we come back, I'm gonna talk to a wife who does not respect her husband anymore because his parents are still way too involved. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Cozy Earth. But first, let's talk about your mom. I know. I know it's not cool to talk about other people's moms, but hang with me. 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And let's be honest, every mom I know needs a little more peace. Cozy Earth's bamboo pajamas are the perfect way to wrap moms, or any other special person in your life, or even you, for crying out loud, in comfort and care. And right now, you can get 40% off last minute gifts for your mom@cozy earth.com with code DeLoney. Go to cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney for 40% off. Do it. The moms in your life deserve the best. All right, good folks, let me tell you about Delete Me. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. We can all pretend that scrolling and emailing and buying things online and everything that we watch online. We can. We can just pretend and go on about our lives as though every single thing we're doing online isn't being monitored. And we can pretend that our personal information isn't being taken and sold to scumbags on the Internet. But pretending it's not real doesn't make it true. The truth is, the digital world is the wild west and it's a place where your information is bought and sold and stolen most of the time without you ever even knowing. Think about it. Have you ever gotten a sketchy email that somehow knew way too much about you? Or have you ever had your phone just blown up with robocalls? That's not bad luck. That's your personal information being sold on the Internet. And right now, spammers and scammers are hungry to cash in on it unless you do something. That's why I use and recommend Delete Me. Deleteme scours the Internet to find your data and remove it from creepy data broker websites. They've reviewed over 35,000 sites for me and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours. When you sign up with Delete Me, it's decluttering your digital life and removing a source of anxiety at the same time. Stop scammers and spammers before the problems start and take back control with Delete Me. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all of the Delete Me plans. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney right now. That's join J-O I N JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney all right, we are back. Hey, don't forget to hit the subscribe button and the I don't know The IT overlords. Tell them that you love the show. Send the episodes to your friends. I'm super grateful for you guys for the five star reviews, all that stuff, all the Internet stuff. Thank you so, so much. All right, let's go out to Riverside, California and talk to Ray. Ray. Hey, Rachel, what's up?
- [29:02]
Rachel
Hi, Dr. John, how are you?
- [29:03]
Dr. John DeLoney
I'm good, lady. What's up?
- [29:06]
Rachel
So I'll just kind of dive right in. I'll give you a little bit of context first. So my husband, I have been married for going on six years. We have two kids, two and four year old. And my question is, how do I handle and move forward after losing respect for my husband? Or am I being too prideful in wanting us to be self sufficient as a couple?
- [29:28]
Dr. John DeLoney
Oh, man, that's a good one. How old are y'all?
- [29:32]
Rachel
We're 36.
- [29:34]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay, 36. Man. Y'all have had a busy six years, huh?
- [29:39]
Rachel
Yeah, I mean we only dated three months before we got engaged, so things kind of move quickly. You know, within a year after we got married to, we had our first kids.
- [29:49]
Dr. John DeLoney
So.
- [29:50]
Rachel
And then it was right in the middle of 2020. So you add all that as well. So yeah, we're, you know, just right in the midst of it all.
- [29:59]
Dr. John DeLoney
Dude, you guys are in a relationship now. That's like, yeah, we can figure this out. We figured out a global shutdown and a worldwide pandemic and a pregnancy in a three month, like, we'll figure something out. That's fantastic. All right. So how is his parents still over involved?
- [30:17]
Rachel
So they have kind of pulled back a lot, I think, because just full transparency, I have been a lot more closed off towards them just because of the past six years, things that have happened. But basically just the reason for my call is the financial aspects. They've bailed us out of like several financial situations dating back to like I said, five, six years ago. And I just felt like he and I should have at least talked about these situations and then work through them together.
- [30:49]
Dr. John DeLoney
Absolutely. So he called, he called his mommy and said, mommy, I need some money for me and my new wife.
- [30:54]
Rachel
Well, mostly it was, I think it was more his dad just kind of jumping in and saying, hey, we got this, don't worry about it. And he has a really hard time like backing his parents off, to say the least.
- [31:07]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay, got what, what did they like, did they reach in in 2020, they found out their son's married. Oh gosh. Suddenly they're pregnant, they're having a baby. It's 2020. Hey, guys, I'm gonna cover your rent for six months. Is that what happened?
- [31:18]
Rachel
Not necessarily rent, but I do think, like, that's kind of the context. They. And when I. When it's been brought up, they're like, well, we just wanted to help you, and we just love giving. You know, we want to give you a gift, and we don't want you to worry about it. So, like, the big. The first big thing I'll kind of. Kind of dive into is when our daughter was about six months old. It was like April 2021. So kind of getting through everything. We were going to move out of our apartment, found a rental home, and his parents just, like, jumped in. And it was. No, it was never a conversation that was had with me. It was just like, his dad and him, and they paid for, like, the entire move, the rental truck, the movers and everything. And I've moved a lot in my life, and I was excited for the move, and I was like, hey, great. Like, now he and I can come together and figure the logistics of everything. So I was like. I felt a little, like, let down that I wasn't even involved in that conversation.
- [32:09]
Dr. John DeLoney
So how did that. How did that. How did that. How did that conversation go when you found out? Hey, no, no, no. I just hired movers, and my dad said he wants to cover the movers for us to move. Got a new baby, it's 2021. Dad's got everything covered. What was the next conversation?
- [32:25]
Rachel
It was pretty much just an argument of how I should accept the gift. I should be grateful for it. And. Yeah, that was kind of it. It was just. And then it. That was it.
- [32:39]
Dr. John DeLoney
There was no other strings to this money.
- [32:43]
Rachel
Well, that's kind of how I feel sometimes. I do feel like.
- [32:48]
Dr. John DeLoney
Let's. Let's. Like, this is obnoxious for me to say it this way, so I'm being ridiculous. Okay, let's move. Move your feelings to the side.
- [32:55]
Rachel
Okay.
- [32:56]
Dr. John DeLoney
What's the data say? What's the. What's the reality here? Do they give you money and then they say, no, no, no, we have Thanksgiving on this day. You'll be here.
- [33:05]
Rachel
Oh, they don't do that.
- [33:07]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay, so, like, yeah, besides the feeling part, how are they. How do they lord over you? Do they still pay your cell phone bill and they go through your phone calls?
- [33:18]
Rachel
Well, they. So his parents do. Do pay his cell phone bill and his car insurance still. Oh, good Lord. And I mean, there's. I have more examples, so I don't really feel like they hold it over us necessarily forthcomingly, like they're not saying, like, hey, we paid for this, we want you to do this. There have been a couple times where, I don't know, his parents bought a high chair and like a walker for our baby. And they were like, well, you never even said thank you and so why.
- [33:47]
Dr. John DeLoney
Didn'T you say thank you?
- [33:48]
Rachel
Well, that's a whole other story. But I did say thank you, but I was in the midst of like postpartum depression and anxiety and I was anxious about everything. And they bought our child like one of those walkers. And I had told his mom, like, oh, I don't want to use those, they scare me. And then they went out and bought one anyway. And then they were mad at me for not being grateful for it. So it just. Yeah, like, so tell me, tell me.
- [34:12]
Dr. John DeLoney
About, tell me about for you. Growing up, you said you moved a whole bunch. Did you move because you had to a lot?
- [34:17]
Rachel
Yeah. So my dad's job, he worked for a company that like worked on resorts and theme parks and it's like, did outlandish like waterfalls and rock work and everything. So we moved, you know, like I said, up from gosh, 0 to about 8, 10. And then we were pretty consistent from 10, right. When I was 10 on. But yeah, we moved a lot just because my dad was the sole income provider for the home. My mom was a stay at home mom. I had three brothers, so there were times where money was very tight, but I saw my parents like work together to overcome so many obstacles.
- [34:59]
Dr. John DeLoney
Sure. So forget the money part of it, but you have a spirit inside of you that is awesome and strong, but it's also, I will freaking do this myself. Where does that come from? I'm kind of, I'm asking a double edged question. One, that's exactly how my daughter is. And so I just kind of want to know where that's coming from.
- [35:23]
Rachel
Yeah, yeah.
- [35:25]
Dr. John DeLoney
But also like, like, where does that come from? Was that survival because you had three older brothers? Was that because you had to do a new school every year from 0 to 10 years old? Like, was it college? Did you have somebody hurt you when you were like, like, where does that, like, no, no, no, no, I'm doing this. Or maybe you just shot out of the cannon that way.
- [35:47]
Rachel
Like my daughter was so a little bit of both, I think, like with my family, I was very much like, you know, with my brothers too. I was kind of the one that was always bossing them around, so to speak. I had one older and two Younger, so I was kind of in that middle. So I had no problem within my family to be like, that strong. Like, this is what I'm going to do. I want to do it my way. And my daughter is very much that way as well. So I'm getting a little bit of taste, my own medicine. But I think, like, when I was away from my home. Sorry, I'm getting emotional because there's something that affects me, but I just feel like I had so many critics. I played sports growing up, and I just had softball coaches that would, I feel like, try to tear me down. I wasn't very vocal. I was pretty quiet and shy. And I just feel like I had so many people telling me, like, I guess I wasn't good enough, and then I didn't feel good enough. And it's funny because even his mom has told me, like, I'm a very strong person, but it's taken years to. To get to this point. And now I feel like since we have kids, I feel like I often have to be their voice and be that strength that I know they're going to need someday.
- [37:16]
Dr. John DeLoney
And can I tell you something crazy? I'm telling you this because I love. Because I love you. Okay.
- [37:21]
D
Yeah.
- [37:21]
Dr. John DeLoney
I'm so grateful for you.
- [37:22]
Rachel
Thank you.
- [37:23]
Dr. John DeLoney
How old are your kids?
- [37:26]
Rachel
2 and 4.
- [37:30]
Dr. John DeLoney
When we over voice for our kid. Now, our kids need us. They need us to be sturdy. As Dr. Kennedy says, we need to be plugged in, anchored in.
- [37:38]
Rachel
Yeah.
- [37:39]
Dr. John DeLoney
And I will burn your village to the ground if you hurt my daughter.
- [37:43]
Rachel
Yeah, right.
- [37:44]
Dr. John DeLoney
Make no mistake. But our kids pick up really fast every time a parent becomes their voice. And that meta message. And this is a crazy thing that happens, okay? You are not alone in this. This is the pot talking to the kettle here. But in a wild way, you recreate your softball coaches with, hey, you're not enough. I'll do this for you. You're not enough. I'll speak for you. You just sit there and be quiet. I'm going to do it for you because you're not enough. And you may have got that message explicitly and in an effort to shift and change it, it gets passed along implicitly. So here's what I want to. I want to just put this out there, okay? Because I want to. I'm thinking, let's say I knew. I knew all of that about you, and I was a brand new husband trying to navigate what in the world is happening with a pandemic and a new baby and whatever. I can imagine saying, dude, I am Taking all the postpartum all. I'm going to take all that stress away. And my dad pulled me aside and said, hey, we've been blessed. We've got stuff figured up. Anything you need, you let me know. And he's like, dad, can you help with the move? And he's like, gotcha. And I can imagine your husband coming home with a smile nine feet wide, being like, got it. And then all of a sudden, your inside says, once again, Rachel can't do it on her own. Once again, someone's telling Rachel, I don't want your voice. I don't care. You're not enough. And here we go again. And it just becomes a matter. I say this so often, and it sounds trite, but I'm serious. It's a matter of pictures and words. When you both said the words, hey, we're moving on Saturday, he had a picture in his head. I'm gonna be the best husband ever. I know a guy that wants to help out with anything.
- [39:36]
Rachel
Yeah.
- [39:37]
Dr. John DeLoney
And you said, this is a way we're gonna build a forever marriage by working hard together and sweating. And I'm still a little bit postpartum. I need to get out and move and do something. And all of a sudden, y'all flew past each other, both trying to love each other the best you could. You know what I'm saying?
- [39:56]
Rachel
I do. Yeah.
- [39:57]
Dr. John DeLoney
And I know that's not. I know that's not line for line. And there comes a moment when, bro, you got to pay your own cell phone bill. Stop. I feel silly. Your mommy's still paying your bills.
- [40:06]
Rachel
Yeah.
- [40:07]
Dr. John DeLoney
Right. So. But. But you see how it's not. It's both. And yeah, there are. It has been one of my life's journeys to learn to say, I accept this or thank you. It's very hard for me.
- [40:26]
Rachel
Yeah.
- [40:27]
Dr. John DeLoney
And also, like, there's a grown up part. Like, I'm also want to be an adult too. Yeah, you're not gonna pay for my cell phone and my car insurance. Good God almighty. Right? Unless it's like, dude, I get it for free. This would be dumb for you not to take it. And the modern world with all the digital is just silly, Right? But I think it comes back to y'all sitting down and saying, hey, here's my picture of what this looks like, what's yours? And also, be very honest with. I think your parents are trying to buy our influence, their influence in our lives. I don't like it. Or actually, when your mom brings toys for my baby, it makes me Feel less than.
- [41:20]
Rachel
Yeah.
- [41:20]
Dr. John DeLoney
And I don't know. I don't know what's true. Yeah, go ahead. I don't know. I don't know if any of that is true. I don't know. I just. I just imagine how hard I tried being a new dad and how many times I got it so wrong. Trying the hardest I could to love my wife.
- [41:40]
Rachel
And I do think that's a huge piece of it. I mean, we are both just those new parents again. Middle of pandemic, not sure what to do. We have had multiple conversations, he and I, about the pictures we have, I guess, or more so the picture I had for our marriage, our family, our life. I've talked about how I feel like his parents have overstepped boundaries sometimes, but it's always, for lack of a better term, like, my fault. There isn't a whole lot of like, well, let's talk about that. Why do you feel that way? It's usually an immediate, no, you're wrong. They just want to help. They love us. And, you know, it's gotten a lot better. Like I said, I still have. I know there's been other things, but his parents will give gifts and things, and I just have learned to accept it, to be grateful for it, to thank them for it. But it's more of the bigger piece, is some of the bigger. Not bigger, but like, financial situations. He's like, allowing them to continue to cover and pay for. And it just makes me lose respect for him as, you know, quote unquote, the man of the house. I look at him, you know, he's a husband, he's a father, and he's willing to pass off these, these financial duties to his parents whenever they are, you know, they offer.
- [43:15]
Dr. John DeLoney
Well, and I think maybe the bigger pictures and words conversation is, hey, we've been married for six years. We've got two amazing kids. I've brought my struggles here. You've brought your struggles here. I want you to tell me, what's your picture of a wife?
- [43:33]
Rachel
Yeah.
- [43:34]
Dr. John DeLoney
What is it? What's a picture of a wife? What's a picture of a mother that's in your mind? And then you get a shot like, here's my picture of what a husband does. Here's my picture of what a husband. Because my guess is this money is the big. Is like a big glaring thing. And it's an easy thing to point at.
- [43:53]
Rachel
Yeah.
- [43:54]
Dr. John DeLoney
But my guess is you lose respect for him in other places.
- [43:58]
Rachel
Yeah.
- [44:01]
Dr. John DeLoney
And what I, what I often see happen is mother in laws become, yes, they can be intrusive. And yes, they can become overly whatever. Our father in law's like, I'm gonna pay for everything. And you know, they can do this at our house. We need to struggle through some things so that stop coming into the weight room and taking the weight off the bar. Our marriage has to go through some hard times so that it can have the strength down the road. But often they become like an easy thing to point fingers at when actually, I lose respect for you because of the way you treat the waitress. I'll lose respect for you because you don't open the door for me. I'll lose respect for you because you sit on the couch and play video games and have four beers every night while I'm trying to bathe the kids and get them in bed. And this general loss of respect is a much bigger cloud hanging over our home than just, hey, you keep letting your mom pay your cell phone bill and you keep letting your mom pay for our vacations. I want us to save up and struggle and pay for stuff ourselves. And so I think the pictures and words is a bigger conversation about, hey, I'm losing respect with you as a man, as my husband. Here's my picture of what a husband is inside and outside of the financial transaction stuff. And I think that's the place to have the conversation. And that's a scarier conversation to have because it un. It peels back a ton more layers. But here's my promise. If you keep just pecking and pecking and pecking and pecking at him, mom and dad will back all the way off, and you're still gonna have that respect issue with your husband that you gotta deal with. So let's just go straight there and deal with that. Let's just lay that one bare on the table. And if you need a professional to walk with, you do that. But let's start there with that conversation. And then some of this might be humbling for you. Some of it might be, dude, I gotta learn to just smile and say thank you for the gift. If it's something that completely violates your values like food or safety for your kids, whatever, Absolutely. I'm not just going to cave on that. But sometimes it's, you sent another set of clothes, Great. You sent another whatever, great. You bought us a car. Okay. Sometimes you just say, okay, I wouldn't have done it that way, but I'm just gonna be grateful. And other times you exhale and have the bigger, harder conversation, which is, husband, I'm struggling with my Respect for you on all these different fronts. It's a scarier, bigger conversation, but I think it's well worth having. And like I said at the beginning of the call, y'all been through a lot. My guess is if y'all both choose to, y'all can get through anything. Y'all are very, very strong. All right, coming up next, we talk to a 24 year old young woman who wants to know how soon is too soon to talk about your past with new people you're dating. Stay tuned. This show is sponsored by Better Help. More and more people are becoming aware of the need for mental and emotional health resources. But over a quarter of those people are still saying they avoid getting therapy due to fear of judgment. I know because I have been there. I've sat with students, their parents, their families hurting people for years. And people are scared to just take that next step. Step. Listen, when people don't get help, it doesn't just affect them, it impacts their families, workplaces, and entire communities. The world is better. Your life is better when people are healthy and happy. So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at Better Help. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. They have a network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist just for them. So to get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time, easily and for no extra cost. Good folks. We're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better help h lp.com/jaloney all right, let's go out to Charlotte, North Carolina and talk to dear Marie. Hey Marie, what's up?
- [48:01]
D
Hey you.
- [48:03]
Dr. John DeLoney
What's up?
- [48:05]
D
Pretty good. Excited? A little nervous.
- [48:07]
Dr. John DeLoney
I'm excited and super nervous. So let it rip. What's up?
- [48:11]
D
Yeah, so I'll just start with my question I submitted. My question is when is the best time to disclose my divorce to people? I'm. I date. I'm 24 and have just started dating again. Dating again after getting divorced from my ex husband who I was with for five years. I feel like being this young and divorced carries a lot of stigma and I'm afraid of scaring people away with my past. It feels exhausting to go through the entire story with Every potential partner, but also deceptive if I'm not upfront about it, as I know it will be a deal breaker for some people. I want to navigate post divorce dating in the right way so I don't repeat mistakes. And determining at what stage I should share about my divorce feels paramount to this. And I can also give you the backstory of the divorce.
- [48:53]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, what happened? Yeah, what happened?
- [48:55]
D
So we met shortly before I turned 19. He had just got back from a deployment. We dated for about a year, and then we got married right after I turned 20. During that year of dating and that first year of marriage, he struggled significantly with alcohol and mental health to the point where there were many, many nights where he was going to tell me he was going to end his life and then just wouldn't answer my calls or my texts. So I wouldn't know if he did it until the next morning. He would text me and told me he was just drunk. So about a year into the marriage, I considered getting a divorce, mainly due to the alcoholism and his refusal to get help. But there were tons of other reasons as well. However, he committed to stop drinking, so I was willing to rebuild with the very clear boundary that if he ever drank again, I would be done. He was sober for two and a half years, but we. We were having significant marital issues. We couldn't communicate without arguing. I felt like a maid and a mother. He would get very angry sometimes and break things in our house and yell, but it was never directed at me. And in response to me telling him I was unhappy and I didn't know if I wanted to stay married, he went out that night to a bar and broke his sobriety and called me the next morning and let me know. And I just knew I couldn't live through that again. So that's when I initiated the separation and the divorce.
- [50:19]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay, so the smoke is cleared. How long have you been officially divorced?
- [50:23]
D
Since December, but we've been separated since last May, so it's coming up on a year.
- [50:29]
Dr. John DeLoney
So. But officially you've been divorced for like, just a few months?
- [50:33]
D
Yeah.
- [50:34]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. Have you exhaled yet?
- [50:39]
D
A little bit.
- [50:41]
Dr. John DeLoney
Because what I hear, wrapped up in your call or in your question, is almost used to wondering if you did the right thing.
- [50:52]
D
Yeah, I think there's days where especially I've listened to your show a lot since all that happened and talking about rebuilding and things. And it just makes me think, like, what if I had given a chance of saying, like, okay, but this is very clear what I want. And if, like, giving him the option to opt in or out. I didn't do that. I just.
- [51:12]
Dr. John DeLoney
He did. You did. He opted out. You're very clear. If you drink again, you're smashing things. And it's not safe here in this house. And when you said, I don't feel safe in this house, he went out and got wasted. He gave you, he gave you his answer, right?
- [51:30]
D
Yeah.
- [51:32]
Dr. John DeLoney
But what I'm hearing is the person you're not okay with is you. And here's, here's why I, here's where I'm coming from with that question is a person you meet on a first date or a second date or even a third date, they don't get a vote into your life. They weren't in that room when that trained veteran was smashing things. They weren't up all night wondering if your, your ride or die was dead night after night after night. They weren't in that house. When a drunk, intoxicated person says, we're doing this actually tonight, no matter what you say, they don't get a vote. And so I guess my answer for you is I don't think you're being deceptive by saying, hi, my name's Marie. How are you? And I don't think you have anything to hide to say. I got married when I was 19, 20 years old, and it was a. Ended up being a pretty unsafe situation. And so I'm a 24 year old who's already been through a divorce. How about you? And if that scares somebody away, then that's a, that's a better sorting mechanism than any swipe right. Could ever be.
- [52:55]
D
Yeah, you're right about that. And to be fair, the people I have gone on dates with and told, I mean, their reaction is obviously a little shocked, but there's not really any judgment. If anything, they're like, okay, that's cool. I mean, when I tell them, like, you know, it's giving me a different perspective on things I want. And, you know, they, they're accepting of it. I think it really is a, an inside battle.
- [53:18]
Dr. John DeLoney
I mean, it feels like an inside battle. And if I can just like, I, I've heard this over and over and over again for forever. I mean, for as long as I've been having these conversations, it doesn't matter if somebody's been separated for five years. The day that divorce is finalized starts a new grieving process. Now, I've seen it on Instagram, like the hooray or the divorce party. I'm finally free. And I'm sure that happens. I'm sure there's super scary, toxic, nonsense messes that people are so free to be, like, legally detached from. But most people, when they're honest on that day or most people when it's not a situation like that, it's like, outside the bell curve. But a divorce, Somebody scared me. Somebody I loved but was struggling with addiction. Somebody that became somebody they weren't only when they were drinking, but, man, when things are good, they were so good. Like, that kind of divorce, even if you're separated for a year, man, you're just. You're. My guess is there's still smoke and fog. Like, it still feels weird being 24 years old saying, I'm divorced.
- [54:26]
D
Yes, it does. And I mean, we were officially divorced in December, but, like, things kept being drug out because he wouldn't stick to the agreement, so he wouldn't sign paperwork he needed to sign. So it felt like even though it's been a finalized, like, it's still not, like, done done. And so that was maybe like, two weeks ago that it finally got done.
- [54:45]
Dr. John DeLoney
There you go.
- [54:45]
D
And so now it feels like I can finally, like, okay.
- [54:49]
Dr. John DeLoney
And also, let's be honest, this isn't. This is no judgment, okay? This is just me laying facts out on the table. You are also dating and not officially divorced.
- [54:59]
D
Yeah.
- [55:00]
Dr. John DeLoney
Right. And so there's still that nagging, like, all right. But I mean, technically I'm married, but, you know, like, I'm cut. And you also roll your eyes enough to know that that's what every guy says when they're out who's cheating on their wife. Right. They're like, no, no, we're, like, separated. It's all good. Right. And then they find out they got a wife and three kids in the house. Right. So all I have to say is you haven't been settled in your own spirit for a long time.
- [55:20]
D
Yeah, I mean, I still feel that way. I think a lot of what I'm worried about is the reason I telling people that, like, oh, I left to see broke his sobriety. That to me, just sounds so cold, like you couldn't stick through the. With the person you love.
- [55:33]
Dr. John DeLoney
But what was beneath the sobriety? He made you not sick.
- [55:37]
D
Yeah.
- [55:38]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. And by the way, you don't have to get in that kind of detail.
- [55:43]
D
Yeah.
- [55:43]
Dr. John DeLoney
I went to a really. I got married super, super young, and it was really tough. It was tough. And then maybe after dating someone for a couple of months, a couple of years, you can get into some of the. Yeah, yeah. This is what I went through. This is why I don't drink. This is why I don't meet people at bars, right? But that's not, that's not a conversation you come into right on day one. It's like, yeah, I'm 24, I'm divorced. And by the way, there's a disorienting feeling, right? If, if there was like a. Yesterday I was driving home, okay, yesterday I was driving home and all of a sudden I saw all these guys. There's a house that's being built in my neighborhood. They knocked down an old house and they're building a new one. And all of a sudden all these guys just start running across the street. Traffic is wild. They're running across the street. It's a residential street, but it's backed up for what looks like a mile. They start sprinting across the street holding sticks and shovels. And I'm like, what are they doing? And I look up and there's a car that has just been nailed and it is upside down. And these guys who are building this house were running across the street to try to help this person who's trapped in the car. I immediately zoom up, pull off, and there's already three or four guys in that car. I'm trying me around the car and I don't still to this day, I don't know how this happened, but this woman got out without a scratch on her. It was why I could not believe what I saw. Every airbag was deployed, the cars, the windshield shattered. And that woman, I reached in and grabbed her hand and pulled her out of this car. It was wild. And here's the thing, I was thinking as I was walking over there, if that had been me, the police report would have said, you know, whatever. Mid 40 year old male, adult male. And I don't feel like that. Does that make, does that make sense? Or if I went and punched somebody in, in, in, or if, let's say Kelly hit somebody, it would say 65 year old woman commits assault and she's not 65. I'm just playing, all right. Like, it's weird to read that stuff in writing, especially as we're an adult, because we don't feel that old.
- [57:51]
D
Right.
- [57:51]
Dr. John DeLoney
And when you're a kid, the word divorced means like 50, right?
- [57:56]
D
Yeah.
- [57:56]
Dr. John DeLoney
You know what I mean? And you're 24.
- [57:59]
D
Yeah.
- [58:00]
Dr. John DeLoney
And so let that feel weird for a minute and give yourself some time and some grace and some, some peace to settle into. This is my life. And I kept myself safe. I don't have anything to apologize for. I'm heartbroken that it didn't work out. And I'm not ever going to forget that when things were good, they're real good. And I'm not going to forget when things were bad, they were real scary. Real scary. And so I kept myself safe. And I get to tell that story on my terms. And if somebody wants to not date me because I'm not, then that's fine. But I want you to give yourself peace, Marie, that over time that, like, give yourself grace because that peace will return. Man, what an amazing thing. I kept myself safe. I did the next hard, scary thing. So when do you tell them? Whenever you want to. When do you disclose it? Whenever it feels right in. In whatever bite sized chunks, it feels right to you. I'm proud of you, sister. I'm proud of you. Let's go do the next right thing. And whenever you meet the next right person, call in. I'll talk to him. We'll give him the Kelly Deloney screening. I was going to say the Kelly enema, but that sounded all kind of weird, so. Hey, we'll be right back. What's up, family? Listen, there's a lot of talk these days about all the shenanigans in our food and in our drinks. Everybody's talking about food, dyes, colors, the nasty chemicals, the pesticides. I am not a food and nutrition scientist, but I know none of this stuff sounds good. And this is one of the big reasons why I love Organifi. I trust their ingredients. I trust them for me and I trust them for my kids. With organifi, I don't have to worry about anything. Organifi products are certified organic, non gmo, gluten free, pesticide free and herbicide free. And they make it super easy to get your daily dose of superfoods, especially with their green juice and their red juice. Organifi green juice is a detoxifying mix of 11 superfoods like Ashwagandha, and they help boost your immune system, reduce stress, and overall just help you feel good. Their red juice is filled with antioxidants and it recharges your mind and your body with natural energy. It's focused without the caffeine jitters. And finally, right now, don't forget about Organifi's greatest hits album. The Organifi starter kit that includes red and green juice travel packs and magnesium capsules for easy access to good stuff even when you're on the go. Right now, you can save 20% off the starter kit@organifi.com Deloney with promo code Deloney. Just stop for a second and go to O R G a n I f I organifi.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney for 20% off the kit and everything else on their site. Go check them out. You're worth it. All right, we're back. Kelly, what's something awesome that happened?
- [60:58]
E
All right, this is from Lucy in McKen, Texas, and she says in the sky. Good. And by the way, when you said a male mid-40s, you're not really in your mid-40s anymore.
- [61:11]
Dr. John DeLoney
That is true. I'm on the downhill slope.
- [61:13]
D
Yep.
- [61:14]
E
So what.
- [61:14]
Dr. John DeLoney
What qualifies as mid?
- [61:16]
E
I think you're mid to late.
- [61:18]
Dr. John DeLoney
Oh, you have to add that to.
- [61:19]
E
Late, like, because once you hit about 45 to, like, 47, that's mid to late. And you're.
- [61:25]
Dr. John DeLoney
I saw Ensure in your automatic, like, re thing from. From Amazon. I saw it. You have a subscription to ensure. That's all I'm saying. Lands on your desk.
- [61:38]
E
I have not said that. I'm older than you. I'm almost 51.
- [61:42]
Dr. John DeLoney
I'm 47.
- [61:43]
E
See? Mid to late. Venturing into late.
- [61:46]
Dr. John DeLoney
I think that's definitely late.
- [61:49]
E
Yeah.
- [61:50]
Dr. John DeLoney
47, 40.
- [61:51]
E
Once you hit 48, you're definitely fully into late 8.
- [61:53]
Dr. John DeLoney
9. Late 40s.
- [61:54]
E
Yeah. You're mid to late.
- [61:56]
Dr. John DeLoney
At this point, I think four to seven is mid.
- [62:00]
Rachel
Okay.
- [62:01]
Dr. John DeLoney
Take what you want. Oh, my gosh, 51. You're such a liar. Okay, what's the. What's the good thing that happened?
- [62:07]
E
Not this.
- [62:08]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah.
- [62:09]
E
All right.
- [62:10]
Dr. John DeLoney
This section is brought to you by Geritol. It's how Kelly keeps her teeth in. This section is brought to you by Pampers Adult.
- [62:24]
E
See, you always take it one step too far. You do. Always one step too far.
- [62:29]
Dr. John DeLoney
Go ahead.
- [62:29]
E
Anyway, she says, john, I love the show. I'm an OG17 listener, by the way. I love that there's hundreds of OG17.
- [62:36]
Dr. John DeLoney
Oh, yeah.
- [62:36]
E
That makes my heart happy. I've listened to every show. My husband and I have six kids ranging from 8 to 21. We just celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary. It's not been easy, and we've had many. Turn off the lights. Turn off the music. Turn on the lights. Do we still want to be married? Conversations over the years. We just completed our third annual anniversary marriage retreat weekend that we started doing because of your show. It has proved invaluable and something we wish we'd done from the beginning. The first year, we just winged it. Last year, we took our printable and worked through that together this year was our favorite so far. We took our questions from humans. Intimacy deck.
- [63:14]
Dr. John DeLoney
Oh, yeah.
- [63:14]
E
And worked through several cards, which led to deeper conversations. We learned a lot about each other and how we can love each other better and chose four core family identities and value statements that will inform our next year. Thank you for all you do.
- [63:28]
Dr. John DeLoney
Dude, that sounds like a Deloney commercial, man. That's fantastic. Lucy from McKinney. Way to go. I don't even know what to say to that. That's just amazing. If you will put the time in. Hey, can I. Can I do one call out for Lucy? That first retreat that you take is going to be hard. It's going to be weird. And the second retreat is just like, follow the roadmap. Let's do what this says. And we get done, and it's like, it kind of gives us a plan. That third one that you begin to make your own. And like. Like, you use a guide, but you do it on your own terms, dude. That's when you get into the magic. Like, and I love that she said, we have six kids. We've been married for a long time, and I still don't know that dude. Right? So you ask those questions. You're like, wait, what? I just love. In the making of the intimacy deck, I learned things about my wife, and she learned things about me. It was fascinating. Continue to do that, which. I love it. Lucy, you're in the sky with diamonds. Way to go. Does that sound good? I'm not a Beatles fan, but I'm gonna let that one rip.
- [64:24]
E
Not much more to say there.
- [64:26]
Dr. John DeLoney
All right. And hey, everybody, if you. If you have extra baby food left over, that's pretty much what Kelly's eating these days. So if you could ship it, just send it any way you want it to get here. And she loves it. Sweet potatoes and apples liquid are her favorite. Love you guys. Bye.