Girlfriend’s Dad Won’t Give Me His Blessing

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show – “Girlfriend’s Dad Won’t Give Me His Blessing”

Date: April 29, 2026
Podcast: The Dr. John Delony Show (Ramsey Network)
Episode Theme: Caller-driven relationship and mental health advice, focusing on issues with parental approval, family boundaries, and navigating tricky family dynamics.

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. John Delony takes calls from listeners struggling with complex family and relationship situations. Key topics include seeking parental blessing for marriage when it isn’t given, setting healthy boundaries with parents, and how siblings can intervene (or not) in each other's relationships and challenges. The episode is marked by Delony’s signature blend of real talk, practical wisdom, and empathy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Should You Wait for Parental Blessing to Propose?

Caller: John from Seattle
(Timestamps: 00:05 – 10:01)

• John, age 20, wants to propose to his longtime girlfriend but her father refuses to give his blessing.

  • Both John and his girlfriend are in college and financially dependent on others.
  • The girl's father believes they are too young and lack stability/maturity.

• Dr. Delony asks: “Do you buy his concern, or do you think he just doesn’t like you?” (02:13)

  • John admits he understands the concern, but struggles because he doesn’t have a close relationship with her father.

Dr. Delony’s Core Advice:

• “The problem is you asked for it… If you were asking him or you were telling him. Because you asked him… and he said no.” (02:46)

  • If you sincerely ask for someone's blessing, be prepared to accept their answer—even if it's "no."

• “If you were trying to do like a ceremonial thing and you really don't care what he says, go on with your life. Just know that it will come with some sort of cost.” (03:01)

  • Skipping a parent's blessing may strain future relationships and can result in social or financial consequences.

On Family Dynamics & Responsibility

• Dr. Delony probes whether the girlfriend has had a frank conversation with her father (“Has she?” 04:10).

  • Turns out: she hasn’t, and their relationship is distant.
  • She’s living with John's grandparents because her dad didn’t have space for her.

• Advice for Transitioning to Independence:

  • “Be a grown up. If you’re going to make a grown man decision, make your move and just know that every grown-up decision always comes with an upside and downside.” (05:04)
  • Plan to take on full responsibility for finances and housing; don't stay dependent on parental support post-marriage.

Respect vs. Seeking Approval

• “Respecting somebody means you take all of their opinions to heart. You don’t respect this guy, you want him to like you. Those are two different things.” (06:58)
• “Respect is not approval. Respect is relational. It’s a posture… Honoring someone even when you disagree with them.” (07:55)

Final Practical Steps

• Encourage the girlfriend to directly communicate with her father, unless he's abusive or unsafe.
• Accept that the true marker of adulthood is taking responsibility—financially, emotionally, and relationally.

Memorable Quote:
“Let go of the facade that I want to do right by this guy and respecting him is going to be, I’m going to take care of his daughter to the end of time… Respect is, I’m always going to treat him with integrity, even when he’s not treating me with integrity.” (08:16)

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2. Should I Mediate Between My Sister and Our Dad?

Caller: Lee from Dallas
(Timestamps: 11:45 – 23:26)

• Lee is concerned about his adult sister’s fractious relationship with their overbearing, “too loving” dad.
  • His sister calls their upbringing “traumatizing” and feels smothered by their father’s involvement.
  • Lee, while recognizing their dad’s over-the-top support, feels the problem lies more in lacking boundaries than “trauma.”

Dr. Delony’s Perspectives:

• “What you’re saying… is what I’m hearing all over the country, which is ‘this was trauma.’ No, it wasn’t. It was a mom or dad who loves too big and they’re annoying.” (13:14)
• Always keep space for the possibility of undisclosed abuse but, barring that, “let the guy be a big lovable goofball” (18:14).

Boundaries & Responsibility in Adulthood

• Highlights the importance of setting boundaries, especially as a 25- or 27-year-old adult.
• “She has let him do all these things. And then complains about it. She’s 27. Grow up.” (18:37)

On Parental Purpose

• Delony notes that allowing parents to help provides them purpose, which can be positive—within appropriate boundaries.

Advice for Lee:

• Express gratitude for a loving father—even if he is “too much.”
• Set boundaries with both his father and his sister:
  • With his dad: Accept help when you want it, say no when you don’t.
  • With his sister: Don’t participate in running down your dad.
• “If you’re gonna run down mom, you’re gonna run down dad… you’re not gonna do it in front of me because I don’t want to hear it.” (23:17)

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3. How Should I Address My Teenage Brother’s Risky Online Behavior?

Caller: Blake from Birmingham
(Timestamps: 26:20 – 41:21)

• Blake (24) is worried about his 15-year-old brother’s online presence, posting romantic videos, and potential exposure to pornography/addiction, given Blake’s own past struggles.

Dr. Delony’s Guidance:

• The ultimate responsibility for boundaries, especially with tech and social media, belongs to the parents.

  • “Where’s your mom and dad on this?” (29:20)
  • “Why does your 15-year-old brother still have a cellphone?” (29:33)

• Blake should have the conversation with his brother, but be clear about the concern:

  • Is it about sexual activity? Online exposure? Posting too much?
  • “If you come in all jumbled up, it’s going to be hard for a 15-year-old to follow.” (31:07)
  • Suggests opening with his own vulnerabilities and story.

Practical, Direct Conversation

• “Sit down and say, are you sleeping with this girl? Like, be direct. There’s no reason to beat around the bush.” (33:36)
• If addressing pornography, be real: “That was a demon in my life, dude. It buried me. Are you looking at pornography?” (34:13)

On Social Media Dangers:

• “None of us have ever paid for Google, Facebook… they’re all trillion-dollar companies. We are being bought and sold… 15-year-olds don’t have that kind of autonomy. We don’t even let them buy cigarettes… because their brains aren’t developed yet.” (36:08)

After the Conversation: Staying Engaged

• Prepare for anger or distance; always follow up with attempts at reconnection.
• “We’re having a hard, direct conversation… this in no way impacts how much I love you, how connected I want to stay with you.” (38:05)
• “Kids crave boundaries even when they don’t like them… I want a 21 year old brother who's glad his older brother protected him, not just a 16-year-old who likes me.” (41:21)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Respect vs Approval:
  “Respect is not approval. Respect is relational… especially when you disagree.” — Dr. Jon DeLoney (07:55)

• On Taking Grown-up Steps:
  “Be a grown up. If you’re going to make a grown man decision, make your move and just know… every grown-up decision always comes with an upside and downside.” — Dr. Jon DeLoney (05:04)

• On Sibling Boundaries:
  “If you want to talk bad about him, I don’t want to be part of that.” — Dr. Jon DeLoney, on setting boundaries with siblings (23:14)

• On Social Media Dangers:
  “You have to ask yourself: what is the product? …We are being bought and sold. And 15-year-olds don’t have that kind of autonomy.” — Dr. Jon DeLoney (36:08)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:05 – 10:01: John from Seattle: Parental blessing for marriage
• 11:45 – 23:26: Lee from Dallas: Should I get involved in my sister’s problems with dad?
• 26:20 – 41:21: Blake from Birmingham: Brother’s risky online behavior and intervention

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Episode Takeaways

• Parental blessing can be meaningful, but true adulthood means taking responsibility and sometimes respectfully accepting a parent's disapproval.
• Setting boundaries with family is an essential adult skill—resentment often reflects missed opportunities for healthy boundaries.
• When intervening with younger siblings, lead with vulnerability, clarity, and love, but understand real authority (and responsibility) lies with parents.
• Social media companies profit from user data—parents need to be vigilant about teens’ online presence.
• Hard conversations with family members should be followed by clear signals of ongoing love and support.

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This episode’s candid, real-life scenarios provide both philosophical and practical wisdom for navigating the trickiest of family relationships. Dr. Delony reminds us: adulthood is defined by responsibility, boundaries, integrity, and the courage to show up in tough moments.

Transcript

[John from Seattle]

I really want to propose. I love her a lot, and I've asked her dad for his blessing twice now, and he's rejecting me.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Twice.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Oh, no.

[John from Seattle]

I. I want to respect him, but I also really want to get married, and I want to propose to my girlfriend.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Do you buy his concern, or do you think he just doesn't like you? What up, what up, what up? This is jon with a Dr. Jon DeLoney show, taking real calls from real people from all over the world, talking about your mental health, your emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you. No matter what you're going through, I'd love to have you. Pull up a seat and we can figure out what's the next right move. Click the link in the show notes and it will direct you to the place where you can fill out the form. And it will go to Kelly, the overlord of this whole operation. Let's go to Seattle, Washington, and talk to John. Hey, John. What's up, man?

[John from Seattle]

Hey. How are you doing?

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

I'm good, brother. How are you?

[Blake from Birmingham]

I'm good.

[John from Seattle]

I'm good. A little nervous.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

It's all good, man. What's up?

[John from Seattle]

So, yeah, my question is, I've been dating my girlfriend for about three years. We started dating in high school. We're 20 now, and I really want to propose. I love her a lot, and I've asked her dad for his blessing twice now, and he's rejecting me twice.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Oh, no.

[John from Seattle]

I. I want to respect him, but I also really want to get married, and I want to propose my girlfriend. So I'm just wondering how to move forward with that situation.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

What is. What. What does she say about it?

[John from Seattle]

She also really wants to get married. She is kind of bugging me to propose, and so she's in the same boat as me.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Gotcha. What. What did her dad say?

[John from Seattle]

He pretty much says that we're too young, which obviously I get. And that, you know, we're both in college, so we don't have stable incomes, and we need more life experience, more maturity, stuff like that.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Okay. Did he give you a date?

[John from Seattle]

No.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Okay. So do you. Do you buy his concern, or do you think he just doesn't like you?

[John from Seattle]

I. I do understand the. The concern, obviously, because we are young, but. We are young. Right. But it's just hard, too, because, like, I don't really have a relationship with him, so it's. It's kind of hard to still try to. I Guess respect his opinion.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Well, the problem is you asked for it.

[John from Seattle]

Right.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

And so the question is, were you asking him or were you telling him? Because you asked him. It's, I mean, at the first two times you asked him and he said no.

[John from Seattle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

So if you were asking for his permission, he denied it.

[John from Seattle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

If you were trying to do like a ceremonial thing and you really don't care what he says, then go on with your life.

[John from Seattle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

And just, just know that it will come with some sort of cost.

[John from Seattle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

And the, the, the bigger concern I have is, and maybe this has already happened, is that he doesn't have a kind of relationship with his daughter, that she could go out with him and say, hey, dad, this train's leaving the station. I want you to like, I get that you think we're too young. I get that you're you. You see all the potential pitfalls. Totally get that and understand it. I'm gonna do this. I want you in my corner. And then her dad gets to make a grown up decision, which is, no, I refuse to be a part of this thing. And that would be heartbreaking. Or he can choose to stand up next to his daughter and knowing I, I don't. I wish they weren't doing this, but now that they are, there will be nobody more on their team than me. But that sounds like a conversation she needs to have with him.

[John from Seattle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Has she?

[John from Seattle]

Yeah. No.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Okay.

[John from Seattle]

No. And yeah, she has been kind of distant from him recently. She is actually living with my, with my grandparents right now because he didn't have room in his house for her to, to, to live there.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Her dad?

[John from Seattle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

She's 20. Why doesn't she have her own apartment?

[John from Seattle]

We're both in school, so we don't have a ton of money, obviously, but the plan would be to get married and move in together.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Okay. I have questions, but those aren't the questions you're asking, so I won't answer them. So, I mean, the big deal is be a grown. Be a grown up. If you're going to take a grown up, the grown man decision, make a grown up, like you're going to do a very grown up thing, which is till death do us part.

[John from Seattle]

Right.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Then make your move and just know that any grown up decision always comes with an upside and a downside to it.

[John from Seattle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Why doesn't she have a good relationship with her dad?

[John from Seattle]

I think she feels that he doesn't. Put an effort, I think.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Okay, so is he just, Is he just armchair quarterback in this thing? He has no relationship with his daughter, doesn't help her with college, doesn't help her with anything. But then he's going to sure throw his opinions down.

[John from Seattle]

That's kind of how it feels. Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Okay. Honestly, what does he fund in her life? Car insurance, cell phone, tuition, anything?

[John from Seattle]

Maybe, maybe her cell phone. I think that would be about it though.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Okay. Prepare for all of that to get cut off.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Right.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Make a plan for that. And in fact, not only make a plan for it, step up and disconnect from that. You know what I mean?

[John from Seattle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

I'm of the. I, I have, I have friends that are still on a family plan that have been married for God knows how many years. And that's insane to me. Get your own plan. Right. So, yeah. Like when you, when you, when you get married and you say, I'll take care of this woman for the rest of her life, I'm going to be in service to her forever. That's just gonna, I, so make a budget together, make a plan together. How are we gonna fund this thing? How are we gonna live? How are we gonna eat that kind of stuff.

[John from Seattle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Right.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

And it might be that y' all get married and live at your grandparents house for a year or six months. If that's the case, sit down with your grandfather and come up and draft a, an actual lease of some of sorts. I want to pay you 200 bucks a month. That's all I have. And you're supporting like whatever it looks like is cool, it's all good. But it's just, I'm going to take full ownership of this.

[John from Seattle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

And, and can I challenge you on something?

[John from Seattle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

I want you to take full, honest responsibility here. And what I mean by that is you don't. Respecting somebody means you take all of their opinions to heart. You don't respect this guy, you want him to like you. And those are two different things. Right?

[John from Seattle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Now I respect people immensely and I disagree with some of their positions on things and that's all good. Right. That's life. But I don't hear that happening here. I hear what you really want is him to like you. And he's saying, no, I don't, I don't like your decisions, I don't like your choices.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

And so owning. I'm going to respect him. I'm going to always treat him with dignity. That doesn't mean I have to do everything he says. And he gets to choose whether he respects you back.

[John from Seattle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

But respect, let me say it this way, respect is not approval. Respect is relational. Right. It's a, it's a posture, it's a way of treating somebody.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Honoring somebody even when, especially when you disagree with them. Is that fair?

[John from Seattle]

Yeah, yeah, I would, I think that pretty much sums it up.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

So, so let go of the facade that I want to do right by this guy and respecting him is going to be, I'm going to take care of his daughter till the end of time. Respecting this man is, I'm never, ever, ever going to get sucked into a, an emotional fight with him. I'm never going to get sucked into any of this draw. I'm not going to get sucked into drama. Respect is, I'm always going to treat him with integrity, even when he's not treating me with integrity. Like that's what respect looks like. Not just two people like wanting to like each other.

[John from Seattle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

You know what I'm saying?

[John from Seattle]

Yeah. 100.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

So you gonna do this thing or what?

[John from Seattle]

Yeah, I, I, I, I think I am.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Okay. So I, I can't recommend strongly enough if, if he is unsafe, then disregard what I'm about to say. But I think it's worth the conversation for his daughter and him to talk. And this is part of her being, making a very grown up decision and her stepping into her role as a new grownup, as a co, a co head of this new world y' all are creating.

[John from Seattle]

Yeah, right.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

And if she says, no, he's not safe, he's abusive, he'll yell at me, scream at me, call me stupid, whatever, that's fine. Then he's opting out. But I'm just, I'm just telling you, 30% of the calls, 35% of the calls that come into the show are about people cutting off their relationships with folks because they disagree with each other. And I just think that's a travesty.

[John from Seattle]

Yeah, right. Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

But best of luck to you, man. I wish you guys the best.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Thanks a lot.

[John from Seattle]

I really appreciate everything.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Cool, man. Good. Go get them. And I've got a, I got a book on marriage coming out later this year and it's heading to the printer in a couple of weeks and so pick one of those up when you can. I think it'll help as you guys launch into this new adventure. It's awesome. We come back, a man asks if he should step in to fix the relationship between his sister and his father before it's too late. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Financial stress does not just destroy your bank account. It also destroys your mental and emotional health. It can also put a great strain on Your relationships. Money worries cause anxiety, and they're one of the leading sources of conflict for couples. I know this personally. My wife and I struggled for years to communicate centrally over money issues. And look, therapy isn't about financial advice, right? But it can help you build healthier ways of coping and give you strategies to communicate about what's going on inside your chest, about your money, your fears about money, and what to do next. I want you to reach out to my friends at Better Help. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct, and they are fully licensed in the United States. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform. If the first therapist isn't a good fit, you can switch at any time for no additional cost. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. HP.com DeLoney all right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Lee. What's up, Lee?

[Lee from Dallas]

Dr. John, how you doing today?

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

I'm good, my man. How are you?

[John from Seattle]

I'm good.

[Lee from Dallas]

Thanks for taking my call. It's an honor to talk with you.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

It's an honor to talk to you, my man. What's up?

[Lee from Dallas]

Yeah, so, hey, I've been chewing on this. Chewing on this question in my head for quite a while. I'm worried about my sister's relationship with our dad. And I'm stuck between trying to give my honest yet unwarranted advice to her on how I think she should move forward and then just minding my own business and letting things unfold as they. As they will. So I wanted to call and I'll get your opinion on that.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

I appreciate that, man. So tell me about the dynamics of their relationship.

[Lee from Dallas]

Yeah. So, you know, my sister and I moved. Moved out here to Texas from the west coast about four years ago. We live together. We have been super close our entire life. Our dad's been in our life our entire life as well. And I guess just over the years, from her, from her perspective, she feels overwhelmed by his presence. She feels that he's overbearing and controlling and actually use the word traumatized by her childhood with just how much he kind of took control of everything

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

real.

[Lee from Dallas]

Some of it, I can see where she's coming from, but I think it's. I think it's misguided. I don't think it's exactly the case. In my honest opinion, he's he's just a loving dad that goes over the top sometimes with trying to solve his kids problems. And honestly it's kind of on us for never having set boundaries with him. And from my perspective.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Okay, Yeah, I would love to hear her side of it. What you're saying is what I'm hearing all over the country, which is this was trauma. This was trauma. It's like, no, it wasn't. It was a, it was a mom or a dad who loves too big and they're annoying.

[John from Seattle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Or they try to solve all your problems for you and actually you let them solve a whole bunch of them. That's not trauma, that is them taking up space. And so some of it's you being a grown up and setting boundaries.

[Lee from Dallas]

I 100, I 100% agree with you.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

But I also, I also want to hold space for, especially in father daughter relationships. I also, I mean I, I don't want to put this on your father in any way, shape, form or fashion. Okay. But I've just, my 20 plus years of working with people, there are things that go on inside of a house that nobody knows. Right.

[Lee from Dallas]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

And so I always want to hold space. And my, my first instinct is to say, I believe you. When a sister, a mother, a daughter comes out and says, hey, this has been happening. But there is a, like a, a reckoning if you will, or a, can I, can we find truth together? Can I hear your story and offer another side to it? If you hear that way. So what's your dad say about all this?

[Lee from Dallas]

So that's, this is kind of what I'm stuck on. My dad has no idea, he's got no clue that he's doing anything wrong, you know, thinks everything's all, you know, sweet and jolly over here and that's just simply not the case. When it comes, when it comes to my sister's perspective. He's been, he's been out here visiting in Texas quite often the start of this year because I'm going through some health problems and I'm on bed rest and need a hand with a bunch of things. So he's been out here more than usual and she just feels completely just overwhelmed by his presence. Feels that he sucks the life out of her and kind of in terms of what he's doing, she feels he's over the top love bombing, you know, trying to manufacture emotional moments to get some sort of validation or satisfaction out of her, out of her that he's doing the right thing. And when it comes to that, I do Agree with her. He's always been, and I feel crazy saying this, he's always been so over the top with. Give me an example how much, how much he loves us. Like, it'll be, It'll be every 10 minutes. Hey, I love you. I'm so proud of you. You know, thanks for being my son. Thanks for being my daughter.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

With all due respect, your sister needs to get over that.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Like, let, let a father say I love you until his he goes horse. Let a father look at his son and his daughter and say the words, I'm proud of you a thousand times. A thousand times a million. Right? If now if he's saying, I love you and I'm proud of you, and then it's followed by 30 minute diatribe about how you're not doing this and you're overweight, you need to fix this and why are you working here then? That, that can be manipulative.

[Lee from Dallas]

But my God, dude, I understand, I understand. I, I, I, you know, just, just at least from my perspective, that's, that's not my personality at all. I 100 hear what you're, hear what you're saying, but to be honest, be uncomfortable because I don't know what to do with all that energy, you know, when it's, when it's so constant.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

But why do you feel like. So think about it like this. Think about it like I overuse this. I know, but think about it like a cinder block. He has this big emotional thing. I love you. I'm proud of you. I'm so proud of you. And he reaches over to hand you that cinder block. Why do you have to pick it up?

[Blake from Birmingham]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Why can't you say anything other than thank you, I love you too. And then get on about your day. What, what is it about this energy that you think you have to absorb, deal with, manage, pick up?

[Lee from Dallas]

You know, I, I don't know. I don't know the answer to that. Me, I've always been a bit of a people pleaser. You know, maybe it's just wanted to, wanted to avoid a difficult conversation. And like I said earlier in the call, you know, the, the feelings of, you know, just being overwhelmed by his presence. You know, him always trying to fix things. You know, in my opinion, it's on us because we've never tried to set boundaries with him before.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

You know, I, at this point. How old are you now?

[Lee from Dallas]

I'm 25.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Okay.

[Lee from Dallas]

He's 27.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Yeah, I 1 million percent agree with that.

[Lee from Dallas]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

If, if he is a way too Much lovable, always going to be there for his kids father who's got a humongous son and daughter sized hole in his heart. When you moved across the country. God almighty, dude, let him have that.

[Lee from Dallas]

Yeah, I understand.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

I mean, and what is, what is even a boundary look like here? Dad, you could only say I love you four times a day. That's silly.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Or dad, no more saying you're proud of us. Like, come on. You know what I mean? Like let the guy be a big lovable goofball and then when he reaches out to say I'm going to call the insurance company, say no, dad, I'm a grown man. I need to do that on my own. Period.

[Lee from Dallas]

Yes.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Yeah.

[Lee from Dallas]

And I think that that's, that's more of, that's more of my sister's thing is she just, she doesn't feel like she knows how to do anything because he's always taking care of everything.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

No, no. She's 20 freaking 7 years old. If she was 17. Fair. She's 27. She has let him do all these things.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

And then complains about it.

[Lee from Dallas]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

So the analogy I always use is young adults, teenagers and then young adults. And I would even go back to middle school, but that's too dramatic for a lot of our listeners. So let's say high school into college into new adulthood. Every morning you walk into a weight room of life and there's millions and millions and millions of parents become helicopter parents. We call them bulldozer parents who run into the weight room behind you, see you about to get under a bench press bar and they run over and either take all the weight off that bar or they try to spot you and they lift way more than they should. And what they're doing is they're robbing you of getting stronger. Right. And so it, that, that's an analogy. But here's what it looks like in the real world. Hey, I forgot my homework. Well, let me run up there and I'm going to talk to the teacher. And they barge into class and they're like, I need to talk to you in the hallway. And the teacher's like, what? And there's a parent there trying to talk to him. That's happened to me when I was a high school teacher. Okay. There is verses. I hate that you forgot that. I'm going to let you turn in tomorrow and I'll sit here with you when you're bummed out that you got a 50 because it's late or a 0 because it's late. And I'll create some space for you. I'll sit at the kitchen table with you while you try to scramble and solve your grade problem. Or. Right, like I'm, I'm gonna, I have to let you lift weights. I'll be right here while you're lifting. But when you're 27, you're laying down on that squat bar and he runs in or in that bench press bar and he runs in there to do it, you're letting him do it. You're 27 years old. Grow up, Grow up. Right?

[Lee from Dallas]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

And by the way, this sounds crazy. It sounds crazy, but one of the greatest gifts you can give another person is purpose, is meaning as a thing. It's one of the things that I, I hate that has happened in our culture is uber instacart. Those are just two easy ones come to mind. Yeah, those are amazing technologies and they've robbed us, they've robbed our neighbors of being able to help out their neighbor. Hey, can I borrow some sugar? Can I borrow some eggs? We've it, it sounds like it's a pain in the butt to loan some to give somebody a couple eggs. It's actually makes me feel important that day. Or hey, can I get a ride to the airport? I roll my eyes, but I got to do something for somebody.

[Lee from Dallas]

Exactly.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

And so where that applies to you guys giving your dad, hey, dad, can you help me with this? Dad, I'm thinking about buying a new truck. Can you find out the top three kind of trucks and give him an awesome thing to do? So he's like, ah, I help my son. I still have value in my son's life. That's a gift, man. That's a gift.

[Lee from Dallas]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Not a traumatic overbearance. Ah, geez, geez. The whole love bombing thing, man, that's like just Instagram therapy gone amok. Like. Yeah. I mean, I hate to say this, but assuming there's no secret abuse somewhere, there's no historical. He was a raging alcoholic for your childhood. He's trying to over make it up right now. Whatever. Assuming that's none of that's true, you just got a big lovable too much dad. A, thank God you have that 100% and B percent y' all, as a 25 y old, 27 year old, need to just be start being grown ups and saying, dad, I need to do this on my own or I want to do this on my own.

[Lee from Dallas]

Yes, I, I 100% agree. So, Dr. John, how, how does, how do you have that conversation, you know, with My sister about going about it in a loving way rather than telling her to, in your words, grow up. Well, or is that. Or is that the way to do it?

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

My sister has told me to grow up several times in my life and vice versa. And I'm grateful for it. Yeah, we have it. We have a very honest relationship. You and your sister may not have that. Where it might be a little bit different is you saying. Or different tact or different track is you saying. I'm so grateful that we have a dad that loves us this much that he'll travel across the country to help out his son with health issues because most parents would not.

[John from Seattle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

And I'm going to start working hard to set some boundaries. And I'm grateful that we have him. And if you want to talk bad about him, I don't want to be

[Lee from Dallas]

a part of that 100%.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

And so it's you. It's gonna feel actually the boundaries need to be set with your sister. Hey, if you're gonna run down mom, you're gonna run down dad. Just you're not gonna do it in front of me because I don't want to hear it.

[Lee from Dallas]

Exactly.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Yes, he's got problems. All parents have problems. Yes, he's annoying. All parents are annoying, myself included. And that guy loves me to the moon and back. Your sister's got. Is wearing a pair of glasses. And that pair of glasses is. Dad sucks. And that's too much. He is traumatic because his presence is too big with his love. And so short of her taking those glasses off and choosing to see him. Yes, he's annoying. Yes, he's too much. But my God, he's. He loves us like crazy. Short of her doing that, anything you say is just going to. It's going to bounce off those glasses. And so her hearing you talk about how grateful you are for him. Dad's going to teach me how to work all of this stuff so I can begin doing it on my own. I'm going to begin affirming dad instead of like being a moving target for his love where he's just chasing and chasing and chasing. I mean, you have to do it by example. That's the best thing I could tell you. But no, that like you sitting down your dad and saying, man, you tell, you tell your daughter that you love her too much and that you're proud of her. Too often she can choose to not pick up that energy and carry it. She just needs to be a grown up at this point. My goodness. Thanks for call, brother. Thanks for Loving your dad. Thanks for loving your sister, and thanks for loving yourself. When we come back, a man asks, should he intervene in his younger brother's risky online behavior? We'll be right back. All right. It's the summertime, and my son and I are out in the woods a lot. We're out on the water fishing a lot. And my wife and my daughter come with me in the summer. And listen, we are all using Montana Knife Company knives all the time. Why? Because Montana Knife Company knives rule. They're designed, tested, and built right here in the United States by real hunters, real fishermen, and real chefs. And that's awesome because when we get back home, my family uses Montana Knife Company kitchen knives to cook and prepare all the rad food and the vegetables and all the meat. Everything. We use them for everything. Why? They're the best. They're razor sharp right out of the box. They're tough enough to be used every day. They are amazing. They're. But here's what really sells me. Montana Knife Company stands behind their work for life. When your knives need sharpening or if they ever need to be repaired, you just send them back and Montana Knife Company will take care of everything and ship them back to you. These are the kind of knives your grandkids are going to fight over someday. If you're looking for knives that are built to work in the kitchen out on your adventures, out on your ranch and that are built to last, go to montanaknifecompany.com and see what's available. Right now, that's Montana knifecompany.com. all right. Birmingham, Alabama. Right down the road from where I am right now in Nashville. Let's talk to Blake. Hey, Blake. What's up, dude?

[Blake from Birmingham]

Done pretty well. How are you doing in Nashville?

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

I'm doing great, man. It's beautiful today. It's awesome. What's up?

[Blake from Birmingham]

I needed your outside advice on how I could address the situation with my youngest brother and whether is something that I need to address or am I just over expressing myself and my past mistakes onto his current stage of life?

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Oh, man, that's a wise question. Good on you, brother. How old are you?

[Blake from Birmingham]

I'm 24.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Okay, so tell me how old your brother is.

[Blake from Birmingham]

He's 15. There's one in the middle, so we're a little bit separated in life.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Yeah. That's nine years. Was he a. Oh, look. Was he or was he planned?

[Blake from Birmingham]

Honestly, I'm not too sure.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Okay. All right.

[Blake from Birmingham]

He probably was intended.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Okay. All right. So tell me about what you're seeing in him and what you're worried about.

[Blake from Birmingham]

So I personally struggled with pornography addiction through my teenage life. My parents divorced when I was 12 and I kind of picked it up and carried it with me for about a dozen years. And my brother, who was three at the time, he also had a lot of different struggles he dealt with that are tied with broken parent relationships. He currently has pediatric diabetes that he struggles with. He has poor motivation in school and has even had some suspensions. And I believe that now with the stage of life that he's in, some of those negative symptoms may be coming out in his relationship that he has with girls.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Okay.

[Blake from Birmingham]

And I've known that he's been dating for a little bit and I've seen pictures of him online that he's posted kissing his girlfriends in the past. And my wife sent me a tick tock video that he posted recently where he is kissing his girlfriend on video and posting it to social media for his friends to look at and interact with.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Gotcha. Does this girl know that's happening?

[Blake from Birmingham]

I believe so, yes. They're both expressive in the video, interacting with it. Okay.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

So she knows she's being recorded.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Yes.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Okay. Yeah. I would, I would get involved with any a 15 year old. I didn't know but I'd also know he's not gonna listen to me.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Right. So yes, it, there's, this is

[Blake from Birmingham]

a

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

15 year old kissing his girlfriend. I happen to think that's awesome, but not understanding. I'm posting these pictures, the comments on these things, the escalation of this. Let's post the next thing. Let's post the next thing. Yeah, I mean he's wandering into some uncharted waters and he's 15. He doesn't know any better. That's why he needs adults in his life that love him and that put some pretty significant boundaries and restrictions on him. That's what the adults in his life are supposed to be. Where's your mom and dad on this one?

[Blake from Birmingham]

They are aware of the situation. My mom has said that when she's around the girlfriend who she's met, she's great. And she claims that she doesn't leave them alone in person, which I, I,

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about why does your 50, why does she let your 15 year brother still have a cell phone?

[Blake from Birmingham]

I'm not entirely sure. I think a lot of it is the communication restrictions that may come with divor where if he has a phone with him then she knows that he's able to Communicate with him. I know that she said that she's been on his social media pages before, but this current Tick Tock account, it's one of those private ones where you don't want your parent on there to see what you post.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

The responsibility here is with your mom, you, you as older brother. Yes. You can come bombing in there. He's not going to change his behavior because of what you tell him. You know what? That's not fair. Maybe he will. Maybe he will. Maybe y' all could have a connected conversation. That's true. I'm wrong on that. I'm just being Debbie Downer right now. Yes, you having an honest, real conversation with him is, is important and you should do that. But I think I would lead. He's 15, so I would lead with your struggles first, like letting him know, I've been here, I've been there, and this is the wild west out here. On these accounts, I would be really clear what you're talking to him about. What I mean by that is if you're worried about him being sexually active at 15, y' all need to get involved in that. I think 15 is too young to be sexually active. If you're worried about him being online a lot and also getting into like over his head with pornography, I'd get involved with that. If you're worried about him posting pictures of him making out his girlfriend on the Internet, that's his conversation. Right. But if you come in all jumbled up and it's going to be hard for a 15 year old to follow what, what your big concerns are, and maybe it's all three of those things and you put them down on a list.

[John from Seattle]

Right?

[Blake from Birmingham]

Yeah, I agree with that. Would you recommend when that conversation does happen, is that something that I should have one on one with him or should I include my parents with those discussions?

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Both and

[John from Seattle]

both.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

And it depends on the nature. Like what you're telling me is he's doing things in his house that his mom allows him to do, which is to have social media, have a smartphone, have a girlfriend over and they make out and post pictures, they post videos of it. So all that's a permitted behavior that your mom is allowing to happen.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Yeah, that makes sense. I think that one thing that I was wanting to make sure that I had a clear understanding of before I had any discussions with him is understanding where the conversation boundary stops with me as a brother and starts with me as a parent. Because I have my own feelings of how social media is used nowadays. And I also have a One year old of my own. And I don't want to project what my own boundaries will be for my son when he's 16 onto him, because then I'll be filling the role of my parents.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

And no, no, what you're sharing with him is, this is such a big deal in my house. My son will not have access to social media until he leaves my. That's how big of a deal I think this is. And if you can look at him and say, I've deleted social media off my phone, that will make an impact on him. The thing bringing your parents along is saying, I'm going to tell mom that I think she should take your cell phone away or let you have a smartphone, but delete the Internet off of it completely and set up through the router where if you try to download any apps, she'll know, because I think it's that dangerous. I. I need you to hear me say, I'm going to tell mom that.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Yeah, I think that's a great idea.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

I think that if you find out he's sexually active and by the way, you're his brother, sit down and say, are you sleeping with this girl? Like, be direct. There's no reason to beat around the bush on this deal. You're his brother.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Yeah. All right, that makes sense.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

You can look at him and say, 15 is too young. And I also know it's awesome. Trust me, I'm married. I'm rocking it on to the break of dawn. Fifteen's too young. And you remember being 15, that's going to go over about as well as you banging a gong in front of him. Right, but the.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Yeah, I. I understand.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

But you loving him enough to look him in the eye and kind of put him on the spot and say, ask him really direct questions. Are you looking at pornography online? Oh, come on, man. No, I'm asking you right now. That was a demon in my life, dude. It buried me. Are you looking at pornography? Like, be real direct with them. And not in a. Not in a mean way, but in a. I love you enough to say, hey, I think a truck is coming down the highway and you're in. Standing in the lane. I love you enough to be really direct with you right now because you're 15.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Yeah.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

And then having a conversation with your mom about, I don't think you all get the full grasp of this. You're in an in between era. Right. There are some parents that think, oh, I did stuff that my parents didn't know about when I was a kid. I snuck CDs and I snuck cigarettes and I rode my bike and told them I was going one place and then I went somewhere else. That's different than putting your stuff out on Tik Tok. It just is, it's different. And I think parents want to be like ah, when I was a kid I. It's a different thing now, right? It's global, it's, it's kid. Let me put it this way. He's not paying for Tick Tock, right?

[Blake from Birmingham]

No.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

So that means him and his girlfriend's video is the product Tick Tock is selling because they're a trillion dollar company and they're making out and posting videos and showing his friends they are a product that is being marketed, sold and letting your thing.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Will you bring up a great point? I think that's actually something that may even be beneficial for my brother to hear. Also every everyone on the planet media,

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

that to me is the biggest eye opener is none of us have ever paid for Google, for Facebook, for Instagram, for TikTok. It's all free. Yet they're all trillion dollar companies, multi hundreds of billions of dollars companies. So you have to ask yourself what is what? What is the product? Why are they valuated like that? Because we're not giving them any money. Oh crap. We're the product. We the people who use these things. We are being bought and sold. Right. And I'm an old man now. I'm a grown up, you're a grown up. We get to decide what we put out of ourselves to be bought and sold. 15 year olds don't have that kind of autonomy. We don't even let them buy cigarettes because their brains aren't developed yet. We don't let them buy guns and alcohol. Right. Like because they're 15 and so they need adults in their lives that say I love you enough to say sorry, I love you enough for you to hate me, to be pissed off at me, to throw temper tantrums. But I love you enough to pull you away from the truck because you're too young to see how bad this is going to be.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Yeah, I guess the next question I would have is preparing myself for the relationship with him after the conversation is had because I mean every 15 year old loves to hear the words, they're wrong and I think he should do something different. So how did I approach him afterwards? Did I check in after a little bit to see how everything's going? Did I let him come to me with the topic again?

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

No. And I, I would, I would have Something prepared. So here's something that happened with my daughter this weekend, okay? My daughter and I went to the zoo this weekend, just us two. It was awesome. But every five minutes, can I buy this? Can we buy this? Why can't we buy this? And then she would drop her shoulders and put her head down. And then we'd go to the next thing. We walk by another little kiosk. Can I buy this? Can I have this? And finally, I stopped and said, hey, here's how much money it costs to walk into the zoo today. And it's a jillion dollars, and to buy tickets to these weird, crazy rides that. I'm scared of heights. But I'm gonna go anyway with you because I love you and you like to ride these crazy rides, and you want to go see the dinosaur exit, all the stuff, right? And so I had a hard conversation with her in the middle of the zoo. Very quiet, respectful one. But like, hey, I need you to be grateful for what we have here. And immediately she was like, sorry, sorry. And I go, no, no, no, we're not doing that. I'm telling you how I feel. And I'm telling you, like, we're here together, and this is what we're doing. Don't ask me for any more stuff. And immediately I looked up to try to find something that I could reconnect with her on. So we walked about five steps, and I was like, hey, do you. Which monkey do you think is more cool, this one or this one? Because I like this one. And immediately she was like, well, I actually like this one. And I said, tell me about that. And she told me all about it. Here's what I was doing. We're having a hard, direct conversation right now. This in no way impacts how much I love you, how connected I want to stay with you. And so the next, like, after you have this hard conversation and it gets awkward. Probably. Maybe not. Maybe he's desperate for. Kids crave boundaries even if they don't like them. Like, their nervous system craves them. Then maybe after that, you say, hey, I want to hear from you, like, mom and Dad's divorce screwed me up. How are you doing? And let him talk. Right? And so what you're giving him is. And I'm not lecturing you. I'm just telling you the truth. I'm your older brother. I'm a decade ahead of where you are right now, and I see the mess you're walking into, and I love you more than life itself. Tell me about how you're doing. It on the inside. What's a win you've had at school recently? What's the thing I could do to help you out these days? Because I know it's tough being 15, right? And so what you're doing is you're giving him your, your in the, in the marriage literature, the Gottmans, call it bids. I'm, I'm giving you attempts at reconnection.

[Blake from Birmingham]

Okay, yeah, yeah, that's, that's great.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

And prepare for him to be mad at you. That's just part of loving 15 year olds is there's going to be times they're mad at you, but you're sturdy enough to hand to weather that I don't like you this. And the next time you see him, don't bring it up. The time after that, bring up a little bit. Okay, but, but here's, here's the overarching thing that I'm hearing from you and I want to just call it out, okay? Just because you struggle with pornography for a decade doesn't make you disqualified to have this conversation. It gives you insight into how important this conversation is. But I want you to walk into this conversation with love and compassion and your shoulders thrown back, not with your head down, like all shucks with some with confidence. Right?

[Blake from Birmingham]

Yeah, yeah, I can do that.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

And so walk in like I love him enough to do the thing that my own mom won't do for him, my own dad won't do for him. And you're playing a. What you really are looking for here a is for this. The actions to stop, the behaviors to stop. And that's going to come from your mom, not from you. But what you're looking for is I want a 21 year old brother who didn't escalate these actions off a cliff. I have a, I want a 21 year old brother that's like, man, I'm so glad. I was about to go off the deep end with some stuff and my older brother stood there and protected me. Like I, I want to have a great relationship with 21 year old little brother, not be liked by 16 year old little brother. And that just means you're an adult and that means you love. Well, so thanks for the call, my brother. Great, great question, great question. Yes. If any teenagers in trouble, any teenagers doing things that aren't wise or aren't, aren't smart, everybody needs to be a part of those conversations, especially parents. But sometimes they just won't. And so brothers, siblings, friends, community leaders, whoever, somebody's got to step in that Gap. We'll be right back. Okay. True story. I was going to lunch with my producer, Kelly, and she got into my truck and she was expecting to hear some kind of wild punk rock music or heavy metal music. And she was super shocked to hear a gentle voice reading Jesus's famous sermon on the mount. I looked at her and said, yeah, I don't just advertise Hallow. I use it every day. She just stared out the window in disbelief. Listen. Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world for a reason. And it's become one of the most important things I do to start every day of my life. Anchoring myself in prayer helps me slow down and prioritize what matters most to me before the world takes everything else I got. Hallow gives you space to breathe, reflect, and pray. And it's guided, it's simple, and it meets you where you are. To help you anchor your faith, practice with daily reflections, scripture, music, special series, and most importantly, peace. There's no pressure here. It's just a daily practice. And you can try Hallow for free for three months only through my link. Go to hallow.com DeLoney and sign up for free today. That's hallow.com DeLoney for three months for free. All right, Kelly, what's up?

[Kelly]

All right, so I have another question for you about the Together app.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Let's do it. Have you been using it? Ooh, yes. You're sure smiling a lot. Oh, yeah.

[Kelly]

We get a lot of questions and emails from users on the app and emails for the show about my spouse won't do it.

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

Yes.

[Kelly]

You know, my husband won't do this or my wife won't do this. So we hear like, okay, one. One person could do it. Explain that. How does it work? What's the benefit of it?

[Dr. Jon DeLoney]

The way we do. We talk about it behind the scenes. The nerds. And I, like, I'm one of the nerds too. Probably the chief nerd is one player and two player mode. Because I know that jillions of people will buy this app and be like, hey, I got us this thing that's gonna help us bring us together. And their spouses be like, that's stupid. I'm not doing that, or yet another, or whatever. So we've built it specifically so that one person can do it and it will give you daily actions. Here. Here's the worst part about being married. I think you can only control you your thoughts and your actions. It is infinitely easier. My wife and I use this app every day it's infinitely easier knowing that both of us are doing it. It's awesome. It's hard to do it by yourself. And that doesn't mean I'm not going to go first. And you hear me say this all the time. You got to turn off the music and turn the lights on. That's what this app is. It is stopping the dance and saying, I'm going to do one thing a day towards you. And so, yes, one player mode is. We built it that way on purpose, knowing that a whole bunch of spouses aren't going to use this. Like, are. Are going to roll their eyes. But what we've heard over and over again is the spouses that use this alone in one player mode, and they do it for two weeks, for three weeks, for four weeks. Their spouses trickle in. They're like, hey, what is. Like, what are you doing? Like, where does this note come from? Why do you want to hug me? Why do you want to go for a walk after dinner? Why did you write me this long note telling me whatever. Why did I walk in and you just flashed me? And it was, by the way, awesome. But why? Like, where's this change coming from? And that's when couples are like, I get a daily microhabit every day, and I'd love it if you want to do it. And by the way, to bring your spouse in, no extra money. It's cost the same, right? So you could bring your spouse in for free if you've already paid for it. So anyway, that's one player mode. That's what that is. So if you are in a marriage and your spouse is going to roll their eyes, great. All you can control is you. So the Together app will definitely help you start taking the next tiny right step towards a better marriage. Love you, Gu back.