He Cheated on Mother’s Day

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show — Episode Summary

Episode Title: He Cheated on Mother’s Day
Date: June 26, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony (with Kelly; Ramsey Network)
Theme: Real talk on relationships and mental health; caller-driven advice and unfiltered conversation.

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Episode Overview

This episode tackles challenging relationship and personal issues through candid, empathic exchanges between Dr. John Delony and his callers. Topics include coping with infidelity, reigniting love and connection in a “flat” marriage, setting boundaries with an addicted spouse, and navigating differences in values. The host combines practical advice with emotional insight, often encouraging callers toward self-awareness, healthy boundaries, and action-oriented solutions.

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Segment 1: Caller Rose — Coping With Infidelity and Rebuilding Trust

[00:00 - 19:50]

Main Issues

• Rose calls seeking guidance after discovering her husband's infidelity over Mother’s Day weekend.
• Her husband has been depressed and withdrawn for months, and only confessed after Rose found evidence.
• He’s agreed to begin therapy; Rose wants to know when/if to pursue couples counseling and how to handle friends’ judgment for considering staying.

Key Discussion Points

• Handling Betrayal & Self-Blame
  • Rose is processing guilt and questioning her self-worth (“Did I push him to the point of needing validation elsewhere?” [08:29])
  • John reframes: “Beating yourself up is never helpful. Ever.” [08:43]
• Co-Creation of Marital Environments
  • John: “He made a grown up adult choice to go do that thing…but did I help co-create a home that was not hospitable?” [09:25]
• Rebuilding as Individuals
  • Focus on mutual growth: “Operate from a place of, ‘I am in the driver’s seat of my life and I get to choose what this thing looks like.’” [09:51]
  • Both spouses need therapy and practical self-work before, or possibly alongside, couples therapy.
• Strategies for Moving Forward
  • “The new marriage…is going to be built brick by brick. It’s not just going to be a magic wand.” [13:29]
  • Rose is encouraged to journal recurring frustrations and work with her therapist on coping strategies so her husband “does not become my trash can.” [14:05]
  • Small daily actions: “When I walk in the door, I want you to smile and say, ‘I’m glad you’re home.’” [13:18]

Notable Quotes

• Rose: “Our sons don’t deserve to watch a man treat a woman that way.” [06:23]
• John: “You can’t control him. You can just control you.” [17:25]
• John: “Most people in your situation solve for [trauma] by trying to control every single variable…Nothing feels more powerful than when you’re right.” [17:30]
• John: “Let’s rebuild this new marriage from the floor up…look off into the distance and say, ‘What do we want this thing to look like in 2 years, 5 years, and 10 years?’ Let’s build that.” [19:56]

Guidance on Couples Counseling

• John recommends starting with individual therapy, “Often that makes marriage therapy not necessary because you’re both coming in, practicing these things.” [18:30]
• Pursue marriage therapy if you find “sticking points” you “can't overcome.”

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Segment 2: Caller Roger — Rekindling Romantic & Sexual Connection Amid Emotional “Numbness”

[22:36 - 38:36]

Main Issues

• Roger feels the spark and sexual connection in his marriage has faded.
• Marriage began with stressors (grad school, family expansion). Sexual routine became mechanical.
• Roger is “checking the boxes” in life, feels emotionally flat, and reveals deep regret over a lost relationship with a child from a previous marriage.

Key Discussion Points

• Emotional Shutdown & Unresolved Grief
  • John identifies emotional “numbness” stemming from unresolved pain, particularly Roger’s estrangement from his first child (“Words can’t describe it.” [29:03]).
  • “If you have an elephant sitting on your chest from your past, it’s going to take the color and the light and the joy out of your soul.” [30:19]
• Vitality & Taking Action
  • “You can’t think your way to spark. You can’t think your way to energy. You have to begin to do, to take action.” [37:43]
• Fatherhood and Redemption
  • John urges Roger to reach out to his estranged son: “That’s your job…Even adult kids, it’s your responsibility to reach out.” [29:25]
• Meaningful Marital Change
  • Suggests practical ways to infuse life and love into marriage and family—pursuing activities, vulnerability, and honest conversations.

Notable Quotes

• John: “The greatest gift you can give your two kids is to be recklessly in love with their mother.” [33:54]
• John: “There’s a prison you’ve trapped yourself in. But…the key is it’s locked on the inside.” [33:54]
• John: “Pick the path that’s going to give you life.” [36:40]

Emotional Highlights

• Roger’s regret and pain are palpable: “I have a 23-year-old out there in the world…with zero contact.” [29:13]
• John’s compassionate but firm challenge: “Storm the gates of hell for that kid.” [31:02]

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Segment 3: Caller Scarlett — Setting Boundaries With a Newlywed Husband in Recovery

[41:09 - 49:18]

Main Issues

• Scarlett, newly married, discovers her husband has a hidden, significant problem with alcohol.
• He has started outpatient rehab but is ashamed to talk about it; Scarlett seeks guidance on setting boundaries without becoming controlling or a “doormat.”

Key Discussion Points

• Defining Boundaries
  • John: “Healthy boundaries are not complicated. They’re hard, but they’re not complicated. They’re as simple as: ‘If you’re drinking, I’m going to leave this home.’” [44:27]
• Choosing Reality Over Illusions
  • John cautions Scarlett: “You’re trying to hold on to a facade of a marriage…at the same time keep yourself safe. And you can’t do both.” [45:32]
• Practical Advice
  • Establish actionable boundaries (leaving or separating space) and inform trusted friends/family as contingency plans.
  • Encourage Scarlett to focus on her own safety, anchor points (honesty about finances/fidelity), and accepting what she cannot control.
• Emotional Ownership
  • “He is responsible for his recovery; you are responsible for your boundaries.” [48:06]
  • “The only way a boundary works is if you hold it.” [49:02]

Notable Quotes

• John: “Give up what other people are going to say about you…Your responsibility right now is to keep yourself safe and anchored.” [45:32]
• “What you go looking for in the world, you’re going to find it.” [48:59]

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Segment 4: "Am I The Problem?" – Should I Push My Partner to Sell Slayer Tickets?

[54:00 - 58:18]

Summary

• A listener, Evie, writes in, asking if she should pressure her partner to sell Slayer concert tickets due to concerns over the band’s imagery and message.
• The hosts acknowledge that music can influence mood and attitudes (“Anyone who says [music] doesn’t impact me at all—you’re wrong. It 100% does.” [55:28]).
• John & Kelly agree: Evie should control what she can (opting not to attend) and clearly communicate her concerns, but ultimately, her partner’s attendance is his call.
• Humorous banter about personal music choices and the importance of self-regulation in relationships.

Notable Quote

• John: “You get to decide what you’re going to do [about his decision].” [57:47]

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Most Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “Beating yourself up is never helpful. Ever.” (John DeLoney, 08:43)
• “The building that is your new marriage is going to be built brick by brick.” (John DeLoney, 13:29)
• “Storm the gates of hell for that kid.” (John DeLoney, 31:02)
• “There’s a prison you’ve trapped yourself in. But…the key is it’s locked on the inside.” (John DeLoney, 33:54)
• “Give up what other people are going to say about you. Your responsibility right now is to keep yourself safe and anchored.” (John DeLoney, 45:32)

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Summary of Advice by Dr. John Delony

• On Infidelity: Healing takes honesty, boundaries, self-care, and time. Both partners should prioritize individual growth before couples work.
• On Emotional Numbness: Unresolved grief and regret sap vitality; confronting past pain brings possibility for real connection and joy.
• On Addiction in Marriage: Boundaries are an act of love—be clear, be prepared to enforce them, and don’t take responsibility for your partner’s choices.
• On Value Differences: You control your decisions and reactions; communicate your feelings and respect your own boundaries.

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The tone throughout: Warm, direct, supportive. Dr. Delony balances empathy with challenge, encouraging listeners to face reality, care for themselves, and take courageous, practical steps for healthier relationships and lives.

Transcript

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

I recently found out that my spouse cheated on me over Mother's Day weekend. You know, he's been super depressed for the past few months. He completely just has been, like, shut down. From our family, from his family, his friends.

[John DeLoney]

Once it all came out in the open, has the light come back on for him? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show, coming to you live from Nashville, Tennessee. Taking your calls on your marriage, your mental and emotional health, relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. Pull up a seat. I'll sit with you. And we will figure out what's the next right move for you and your family. Hey, Kelly. I just got back in town from this big event we did in Florida, and I gotta tell you, man, Arthur Brooks was there. Will Guerra was there. Michael Easter was there. There was so many rad folks. And one of my favorite things on the planet about this weird little glitch in the Matrix I have for a job is. Is not only reading these guys books and, you know, getting their sub stacks and all that kind of stuff, but hanging out behind closed doors and realizing what great human beings they are.

[Kelly]

So I was watching part of the event. Cause we were live streaming it through here, through the TVs, and when Arthur Brooks came on, it's like my shoulders just drop. I was like, oh, okay, it's Arthur.

[John DeLoney]

Well, when he walks in, everyone goes. It's like, oh, he's driving now.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Cool.

[Kelly]

He's in charge and everything's fine. And he's so delightful. But I'm gonna learn something as it's just like I said. I was like. I walked past the TV and I was like, oh, Arthur.

[John DeLoney]

Well, and the biggest nightmare for somebody like Will Guerrero is like, okay. He's known as the most hospitable. The owner of the most hospitable restaurant on the planet. But what if he's a jerk? He's the most wonderful human ever. And then you got Michael, who's like the single coolest guy on the planet.

[Kelly]

Which, by the way, people listening. Coming up on our off the Record, which is our once a month Saturday drop for interviews. Michael Easter is going to be coming up later this summer, and. And Will Guidera is coming up later this summer, too. So there you go.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. Just so cool, man. And Vanessa Van Edwards is. Is rad. Is all good. I mean, I love getting to meet people behind closed doors, and they're cooler than they are on Instagram.

[Kelly]

Are they saying the same thing about you?

[John DeLoney]

Not a chance. They're all Going home, being like, oh, God, I need a nap.

[Kelly]

But, hey, out of all of that whole trip y' all took that I didn't get to go on, because for those that don't know, it's one of our different business units we have here in the company puts this on. What I am by far most insanely jealous about is that the first night we rented out Disney Animal Kingdom, and that y' all got to go. Just our people, just no lines. And you and Dave rode roller coasters?

[John DeLoney]

Yes, except people don't know that Dave Ramsey is one of the. Like, the two things that people don't know about Dave are this. Behind closed doors, one of the most insanely. And when I say insanely, I mean insanely generous people. Like, oh, by far.

[Kelly]

Like, people don't even understand the depths of his generosity.

[John DeLoney]

It's wild to be at 2am in the basement of a hotel, trying to find your room and watching him tip people like, Bell house your room in the basement in New York. Like, you have to go down in the basement and go down across into another hotel, and you go, anyway, I've seen that guy. He's just so generous and one of the greatest at peer pressure of all time.

[Kelly]

And so that's why you jumped out of an airplane.

[John DeLoney]

That's why I jumped out. That's why I've done a lot of things and. But we didn't ride the roller coaster once. And, by the way, four times. It got stuck. It got hung up, and we're like, wow, they're really going for it. They're building tension. There's like, oh, we're past the.

[Kelly]

What everyone needs to know is one of John's biggest, fierce heights with.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Ah.

[John DeLoney]

So I rode this thing multiple times. And then they were like, let's go on the Avatar ride, which is, by the way, incredible. And about halfway through, I was like, oh, I'm gonna vomit everywhere. And so I had to close my eyes and just be like, listen to everybody going wee wee. I'm on this little, like, motorcycle thing. That's a jerking meal. I'm like, dude, I'm gonna vomit in here. And I know Disney has some like. Like, hazmat protocol to clean this. I'm gonna shut this thing down for the park, by the way, that we just reserved. Anyway, I barely made it out of there. Dude, I thought it was. I thought it was gonna.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

I thought.

[John DeLoney]

I thought we were gonna see that food I'd eaten earlier, but it was wild. But I. Dude, I love. Gosh, man, when you. When Everything feels so dark. I just have to tell you, there are people that you follow on Instagram that you read their books that are great, great human beings. Like, they're better in person than they are in real life. So if you can catch some of those folks speaking in your area, please go out and see them. If you.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

It's.

[John DeLoney]

They're just. They're the best. All right, let's roll out to Hartford, Connecticut, and talk to Rose. Hey, Rose. What's up?

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Hi.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Oh, my God, I'm so nervous. I just want a fan girl for, like, two seconds, so I'm going to do that.

[John DeLoney]

Let it rip.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

No, literally, honestly, thank you for taking my call today.

[John DeLoney]

Of course. Thanks for calling. What's up?

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

So, all right, so I'm just going to word vomit this out. So. I recently found out that my spouse cheated on me over Mother's Day weekend. Not the best Mother's Day you ever really want to have.

[John DeLoney]

Not good.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Yeah, not good. You know, he's been super depressed for the past few months. I've tried. I'm, like, shaking talking about it. I've tried, you know, asking him to go to therapy. I've told him to listen to your show. I've told him to maybe talk to some of the guys from the gym. He completely just has been, like, shut down from our family, from his family, his friends. Like, and then, yeah, I went snooping and I found something that I didn't want to find in my home. And he confessed to the cheating. He pretty much said that he will do whatever he can to make our family work. He is starting therapy this week. You know, it's really hard. He has a son that's six. I just had my son with him a year ago. So, you know, I just don't want to see our family just fall apart, you know?

[John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

I did tell him, like, if we decide to give this another shot and really put in the work, he needs to be in therapy. That was like, my non negotiable because I told him I was like, our sons don't deserve to watch a man treat a woman that way. Like, I want our kids to treat people with respect, you know?

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

And if he wants to change, he has to put in the effort because for months, I'm just so tapped out mentally, emotionally, physically.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

You know, I work at home. I do photography on the side. I take care of the kids, I take care of the dogs, I take care of the house. It's just like. And then that's what I get.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. And that there's a. There's a hundred percent truth in what you just said. And carrying that around like that is gonna not weigh him down. It's gonna weigh you down.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Right, Right.

[John DeLoney]

And so, I mean, I. I'm fascinated by the story. I would love to talk forever. Tell me how I can help. What question are you asking me ultimately?

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

So ultimately, I think it comes down to, you know, when should we look into starting couples counseling? You know, because he is starting his own therapy for the first time in a while, so he's starting that this week. So kind of just gauging like when is a good time to start couples therapy, you know, and also outside judgment on my end for wanting to stay and make my family work because I already lost a few friends over this. I got told I didn't have any self respect or self worth, you know. Yeah, but that was hard.

[John DeLoney]

But listen, if people aren't going to sit by you with your decisions, then they've opted out of your life. You have to stop being so mean to Rose.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Yeah. That's what my therapist and I just talked about last night. It's also, that's why I wanted to call to rebuild my self confidence too, after, you know, getting hurt. Because she's like, you know, your light shines when you talk about your photography. She's like, I'd love to work on that more with you. She goes, but you're beating yourself up for everything.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

And it's true. You know, it's just like, what if I did this different? Or what if I did that different? And you know, my postpartum was really difficult, so it's just like, did I push him to the point of needing validation elsewhere? And it's like, I can't beat myself up over that.

[John DeLoney]

Well, and you know. Yeah, but beating yourself up is never helpful. Ever.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

No.

[John DeLoney]

And, but hold on. And recognizing that a lot of situations in marriages are co created.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Right.

[John DeLoney]

Everybody has a choice. Right. He made a choice to go sleep with somebody else.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah, right.

[John DeLoney]

He made that choice. He has to live with that choice. You have to live with that choice. And part of healing and deciding what our marriage is going to look like moving forward is you owning. Did I contribute? Not to what you did? Because he made a grown up adult choice to go do that thing. But did I, did I help co create a home that was not hospitable?

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Right.

[John DeLoney]

And as we move forward and build the marriage that we want to have, that we want to live in, what do. What am I going to contribute to this Thing. Not from a place of I suck, so I have to do this stuff. But from a place of I'm worth more than this. He's worth more than this. We're worth more than this.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Yeah. Right?

[John DeLoney]

If you operate from a place of deficiency, it's always going to run out of gas. If you operate from a place of I in the driver's seat of my life, and I get to choose what this thing looks like. And I hope to God he does too. He's in the driver's seat of his life and he gets to decide. And y' all both decide to build this awesome thing together. Dude, that's amazing.

[Kelly]

Right?

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

I do have hope for that. You know, I always want to believe that people can change for the good.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Right.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

It's not great that it came to this where it's like, crap, I have things that I gotta fix or I need to do X, Y and Z. You know, I just. I want to see us also show our kids that it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to talk about emotions and feelings, and it's okay to be stressed out, you know, Because I feel like a lot of the situations that he was explaining to me, I was like, this all could have been avoided if you just talked to me.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Right.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

And shouldn't have gotten to this point a hundred percent.

[John DeLoney]

And there's. There's zero blame in what I'm saying here. All I'm giving you is context. Okay. Are we on the same team with that?

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Right.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Often I hear folks say, why didn't you tell me? And the answer is, because you couldn't hear it.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Or for five years, what I wanted or what I thought you said was dumb, or I wasn't doing it right. Or. You get what I'm saying. These things are often co created.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Yeah. And that's what I would hear a lot. No matter what I do, it's not enough.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

And so if there's some honest. If he's being a baby, then let's call that out. If he's being. If. If you reflect on it, you're like, yeah, dude, he would go in there and do the laundry. And the first words out of my mouth were, complaining, he didn't fold it right.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Right.

[John DeLoney]

Or if he worked all day to support our family and then he put his dish in the sink. The first words out of my mouth weren't, I'm so grateful to have you. It was, oh, my God, you don't put in the dishwasher. Right. Like, and maybe that didn't happen. But if it did, here's what's beautiful about it now, you know?

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Right.

[John DeLoney]

And now I'm going to work really hard to see this other guy in my life, and I'm going to pray to God he sees me. And we're going to work really hard to get to know each other, and we're going to celebrate the bloody hell out of each other. And then when challenges come up, we're going to have laid the foundation that we can challenge each other to become the best versions of who we said we were both wanted to be. And that's a great marriage.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah, right.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

And that's like, what I ultimately want. You know, he. He does seem remorseful. You know, I know a lot of cheaters, of course, seem remorseful when it happens, but sure. He's definitely been trying to put in the work, you know, behaviors, communication behaviors. He's been letting me vent whenever I'm struggling. You know, I'm just like, hey, I had a really bad day about X, Y and Z. He's been letting me vent. You know, he'll come up to me and just hug me.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

That.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

That's something I've been asking for, for months. It's like, I'm asking you for affection and love, and it's just like, it took this long for you to try to, like, love me when I've been begging for, okay, let's love and affection, okay.

[John DeLoney]

But let's don't go back. There's a period.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

That's my issue is going back.

[John DeLoney]

Let's go forward. And yeah, here's your path in front of you. You laying down a 14 day. How. How can he re. Establish trust with you over 14 days?

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Right. It's going to be a long process.

[John DeLoney]

It will. It's gonna be a while. But here, in 14 days, when you walk in the door, I don't want to see your phone. I want you to walk straight in the door and hug me.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

And he gets to make his plan. When I walk in the door, I want you to smile and say, I'm glad you're home.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

And that's it. That's as. That's as tight.

[Kelly]

The.

[John DeLoney]

The new marriage, the. The building that is your new marriage is going to be built brick by brick. It's not just going to be a magic wand. And now you've got this new marriage.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah, Right.

[John DeLoney]

And when you find yourself saying, like, I need to vent, I need to take all of my day and dump it on your head, Is that is. Does venting help you.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

It feels good in the moment, but not lately. No.

[John DeLoney]

So here's what I want you to do. I want you to write down after we get off this call, a few things that keep coming up that you vent often.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Okay?

[John DeLoney]

And I want you to take that list to your therapist, and I want you to say, I want you to help me come up with creative, helpful strategies for managing these type of frustrations that seem to be recurring in my life so that my spouse does not become my trash can. Your path forward to rebuilding this marriage, this relationship, is you being very clear about not even what you need. I think needs get so overdramatized. What do you want right now?

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Right?

[John DeLoney]

And him being able to say, here's what I want right now. I want 10 minutes of I just need to go in our bedroom and change my clothes. I'm gonna do it slow. I'm gonna turn some music on my phone, and I want 10 minutes. And you go, awesome. Even if you've had a hard day. And when he comes out, you say, I want you to put that dumb phone away and I want you to hug me for a minute without stopping and don't let go. And that sounds very unhollywood. It sounds very unsexy. But both of you are getting what you want.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah, right.

[John DeLoney]

And what's going to happen in your nervous system is you're going to slowly re establish I trust this guy, and that guy's going to say, I trust her emotionally, physically, all that.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Right.

[John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying?

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Yeah, no, for sure. I definitely do. And, like, that's the thing. I don't want to be that partner when, you know, he comes in or the littlest thing happens and I'm just losing my mind, you know, I just start an argument. My twin sister actually checked me the other day when we went out. You know, he was late to bring our son to me. And I just kept laying into him. I was like, I told you, like, I needed to leave at this time.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

And he kept saying, you know, I'm sorry. Like, this thing, Randy. Like, I apologize. Like, how can I help? Like, what can I do? I can meet you somewhere. And I was just kind of laying into him, and that's something that I do need to work on, you know? And my twin was just like, hey, yeah. Like, he was apologizing. Not cool that you kept belittling him the entire time. And I was just like, oh, yeah, okay. That's something that I need to work on. Maybe because, like, our household growing up was very difficult with, like, you know, you have to do things the way your parents want and X, Y, and Z, or they're not happy or, you

[John DeLoney]

know, and it worse than that, if you didn't do it how they wanted it, you felt like love was at stake.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Oh, yeah.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Right.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

You do this and you're in my good graces. And for a child, that is terror. Because that means.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Yeah, I never felt like it was good enough.

[John DeLoney]

That's right. And so more so than you working on not laying into him is. I want you to work on a thing I want you to practice is saying the words I'm sorry.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

I was just mean just then. Can I say that again?

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Right.

[John DeLoney]

Let me. Let me start over. Right. And he's going to practice giving you grace because he's going to see you working. And by the way, zero. None of this excuses him sleeping with somebody else. None of it.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Right. Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

He made a grownup choice. Right. But you can't control him. You can just control you.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And if you come from that kind of perfectionist household where love is on the block and you've been hurt and abused and cheated on in the past, most people in your situation solve for that by trying to control every single variable. They try to feel powerful whenever they can.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Right.

[John DeLoney]

And nothing feels more powerful than when you're. Right.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

When he should have been there 10 minutes earlier and he wasn't. And it's.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

It's because it's just like, oh, you're proving my point, you know, And I shouldn't be that hard.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Or the real thing is I wanted my son, and he's here. I'm good. I would have liked him 10 minutes ago that I can't do anything about that. But I can love my son. Well, when he just showed up.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Right.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Right.

[John DeLoney]

And if I want to talk about my husband's being late all the time, I'm going to do that. When neither of us are worked up and I'm like, hey, when you're late, it makes me feel like you don't think I'm very important. And that makes me feel small.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And that is emotional regulation. That's emotional maturity. Having a big feeling.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

And one of my questions for you.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. It's. It's feeling that feeling and it getting big and feeling overwhelming. And you work with your therapist to come up with a few in the moment strategies. Some people can breathe through them. Some people go for walks, people journal. Some people I scratch off the corner of my thumb. I don't know why I do it. It just does. But it helps. And then I can get pretty clear pretty fast, what's the next right thing to do. As for your question about marriage therapy, if you're both seeing individual counselors, what I want y' all to both do is practice or get some real life skills that y' all can practice outside of the therapy office to become the best versions of yourself. Often that makes marriage therapy not necessary because you're both coming in, practicing these things. If you'll find some sticking points. We just can't overcome this communications conflict or we cannot communicate to come together. We keep communicating to try to win, then a marriage therapist can help. But y' all are going to be practicing in the therapy office. We're not just going to go there and talk about over and over. We're not just going to stir the pot over and over again. We're going to go into a marriage therapist looking for real skills. But if he's invested in going to see somebody and deal with his old demons, and you're dealing with your demons, and not only dealing with the demons, but getting some skills to walk out of there and practice in the real

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

world,

[John DeLoney]

often marriage therapy is not necessary. I'm proud of you. Proud of you for doing the work on yourself. I'm proud of you for holding your ground and telling him, here's what I'm going to ask of you, and let's get more granular with it. What are some very specific ways he can love you today? What are some very specific ways you can love him today? And let's rebuild this new marriage from the floor up, y', all, to get away for a half day and plant and look off into the distance and say, what do we want this thing to look like in 2 years and 5 years and 10 years? Let's build that man that's a magic time together. Thanks for the call. We come back, a man asks how to get the spark and sexual attraction back in his marriage. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by better help. Summer is here, and everything changes this time of year. The kids are out of school. Routines go out the window. You're traveling more, and you're probably sleeping less. And if you're not careful, you can end up running on fumes. And if you don't slow down and take care of yourself, all that stress does not just disappear. It shows up in your body, in your work, in your attitude, in your relationships and your patients. It shows up everywhere. And if you've recently been in therapy and seeking help, it's important to keep finding ways to get the help you need, especially when your routines are all blown up. And this is why I'm a big fan of Better Help. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. All of Better Help's therapists follow a strict code of conduct, and you can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the app. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Keep getting the help you need. Go to betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, hit all of the like or subscribe buttons. Is that right, Kelly? Still no.

[Kelly]

If you would, please comment. Like, subscribe.

[John DeLoney]

All right, let's go to Reno, Nevada. Share.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Share.

[Kelly]

No, we do. If you have a segment or if you watch something that you think would be great for our. For someone, you know, share it with them.

[John DeLoney]

What was that song Cher saying?

[Kelly]

She's had more than one. She's had a few.

[John DeLoney]

She only had one hit.

[Kelly]

No, she didn't.

[John DeLoney]

I know. You know who would know how many hits Cher has? An ancient person. Let's go out to Reno, Nevada, and talk to Roger. What's up, Roger?

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Good. How are you?

[John DeLoney]

I'm good, man. What's going on?

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

All right, thanks for taking the call.

[John DeLoney]

You bet, ma'.

[Kelly]

Am.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Okay, let's get to it. My question is, how do I bring back the romantic and sexual spark back to my marriage after a decade?

[John DeLoney]

Tell me about it.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

I'll give you the timeline. We met in 2007. I was two years fresh off of a divorce. Nothing contentious. It just should never have happened in the first place. We married in 2009. We moved here and started. We both started grad school. So, yeah, not a lot of time together. She had a miscarriage in 2012, and our first child came to this world in 2014. And while it was magical and it's blown my expectations of how it would be, so six months to a year afterwards, I thought, well, okay, it's. We can get. We can ease back into this.

[John DeLoney]

Into sex.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yes.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

And I got a very lukewarm, indifferent response. It wasn't, oh, my God, how dare you? It was a. Oh. I'm like, okay. I would have thought after a year, you'd be kind of enthusiastic about it. So I was like, okay, I guess let's wait a little bit longer. And I found that I wasn't missing it. I was like year and a half, I was like, oh, big whoop dee doo. That just doesn't seem natural. It seems unmanly, unmasculine. To just be like, oh, it's been a year and a half. Wow, Big whoop dee doo.

[John DeLoney]

And that was 10 years ago. Bring me up to now.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

So we had another child in 2016. And yes, we do it in the meantime every month, month and a half. It's like changing the oil on a car. He checked the box for her or for you?

[John DeLoney]

Or for both.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

You know, it's for me, I don't know what she thinks about. For me, I'm just like, okay, I've checked this box. I can, I can ease up, I can relax for the next month.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

I don't know. I find when I. When I get home, I don't really think about it.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

I don't look at her. Wow, look at her. Now this is what I'm going to do tonight. I'm like, we got dishes to do, logistics to do. 9:30 comes

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

I.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

We watch something, we go to bed and we'll lather, rinse and repeat. So this and I don't go on.

[John DeLoney]

This feels like it's way bigger than sex.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

You tell more.

[John DeLoney]

It feels like you. It feels like you're in a life that on the surface has all the boxes checked. You have a stable marriage, you have healthy kids, et cetera. But you have a life. And I'm going to say this in a way that's going to sound accusatory. That's not what I mean at all. But a life that you've created or co created where you feel dead in your own skin. Possibly at work too, maybe very much so.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

What makes you feel alive anymore, brother? Or is the light just kind of gone out?

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

When I'm with my kids, okay, I'm not trying to brag, but when it comes to my kids, I'm pretty much as constant as the sun rising. Yeah, I'm there every day.

[John DeLoney]

Stop bragging at all. That's a good thing.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

I'm there every day. I'm enthusiastic. They know every day I'm just over the moon about them. Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Is that you performing or is that a feeling you have in your guts?

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

It's in my gut.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

Because the way you're explaining it to me sounds like that's the one responsibility that you take very seriously.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

It is.

[John DeLoney]

Versus I can't wait to wake up and be with them. And by the way, I don't always wake up every day wanting to play with my kids or be with my kids. Like, part of life is doing things when I don't, quote, unquote, feel like it. But that's what I'm trying to get with with you is do you love be. Is that your one spark in your life when you feel alive is when you're out playing with your kids, or is that where it takes all of your energy to. To do life, to be alive with them and then once they're out, you're out of gas emotionally?

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

It's more of the former. It's another topic for another day, another call. But I do have a child from the past and it did not work out well. So I view these two kids as my second chance.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

I really, really wanted it and it's worked out beautifully.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

At least on that front. Okay.

[John DeLoney]

What is your relationship like with your first child?

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Last saw him July 1st of 2003.

[John DeLoney]

How come?

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

The mother and I had a very contentious court departure. And the thing was, if, if I basically stopped all contact, I didn't have to pay child support and that would be the end of it. So I agreed. Hmm.

[John DeLoney]

How much does that decision haunt you?

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Words can't describe. God, I'm getting emotional. Words can't describe it.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, so you have a 23 year old kid out there in the world.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yes, I do.

[John DeLoney]

With zero contact?

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yep.

[John DeLoney]

Have you tried to re. Establish Contract contact?

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Maybe it's not the best way to go about this, but my thought process has been if he really wants to know me, he'll reach out to me.

[John DeLoney]

Nope. That's your job, brother. That's the dad's job. To sit down with a 23 year old son and say, I cannot tell you I blew a quarter century of your life. And I understand if you hate me, if you don't want to talk to me, but you need to know I'm here. I messed up, but I'm ready to. I'm ready to start writing a new thing. That's never the kid's responsibility, even the adult kids. If you were 50 and this kid was 30, it's going to be your responsibility to reach out. Okay, here's what I'm. Here's why I'm bringing it up. Here's what I'm getting, getting to it. If you have an elephant sitting on your chest from your past, it's going to make doing anything hard. It's going to take the color and the light and the joy and the life and the adventure out of your soul.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying?

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yes.

[John DeLoney]

And, man, you are making. You are making amends to yourself more than anything with these other. With your two new kids, and I applaud you for that. But if this thing is eaten away your soul for a quarter century,

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

man,

[John DeLoney]

storm the gates of hell for that kid. And here's what you'll get from that. You may get completely and totally rejected. And that might be a pain unlike any other pain, but at least you'll feel, because I'm afraid your body has shut off its ability to feel because of the extent of that pain.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

It's trying to. It's trying to protect you. And joy and pain are on the same switch.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got. I've got. I've got a few skeletons in the closet before him.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And so it manifests itself in our way, in our lives and we. Ways. But the. The p. Picture you're painting for me, not clinically. I don't do any clinical diagnostics on this show. But a guy who is struggling to keep his head above his own water. It's depression. It's. It's a low feeling all the time. It's a DIC Way of doing life. And for whatever it's worth, I don't want you to get to be 80 years old, 85 years old in your last few years on this planet and say, I avoided myself. For the entirety of my life. You're worth more than that, man. Your wife is worth more than that. All three of your kids are worth more than that. You know what I'm saying?

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Just.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Just listening and processing and so

[John DeLoney]

being honest with yourself, choosing reality, as I like to say it, getting out a piece of paper and a pen and writing down what are the. What are the burning fires in my life over the course of my life that I've avoided that I need to head right through the middle of. And by the way, walking through fire gets scars. You get burned. But you can also return to some sort of vitality in your life. And vitality is the foundation for a sexual relationship with your wife. It is a. It's a foundation for feeling like I've got importance in my work every day.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah, it worked. I'm hopelessly bored.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, then get a new job, man. You know what I'm saying? Like, there's a prison you've trapped yourself in. But the key is it's locked on the inside.

[Kelly]

The.

[John DeLoney]

The data tells me the greatest gift you can give your two kids is to be recklessly in love with their mother. We're gonna have to constantly be figuring out how can I love you well? And loving you well means I gotta love myself. I gotta go fill my pitcher up so I have something to pour into your glass. And that means I gotta ask myself what do I even love anymore? And if I say nothing, then I'm gonna start picking some random stuff. I'm gonna join a bowling league, I'm gonna go to a gym. I'm gonna start doing stuff and slowly reinflate my life with air, with joy, with light. And it will not feel like it at the time. And if you haven't, I want you to go sit down and talk to somebody. Because it may be that for a season medication will help you get over that hump. It may be that I just need to put some things on the calendar and I'm going to go start doing them. I'm going to reach out. I'm going to. There's. There's no excuses in the modern world. I can find my son. You can find him. I'm going to make first contact.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Yeah.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

I've looked. I've looked him up on a few occasions.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. Because I can damn well guarantee you that 23 year old boy is trying to make his way through the world completely unanchored. Always asking what was so bad about me that my dad wouldn't even call.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

That my dad gave me up for a dollar amount.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And that's not. That's not to kick you while you're down. That's to say stand back up.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah. I was in his life from years zero to three and a half.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. But here we are.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

But here we are.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

And it was enormously unpleasant.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. And here we.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Right.

[John DeLoney]

You're here today. And you can't change one thing about what happened from right before this call all the way back. All you can do is life has handed you a pen and you get to write the story that comes next. What's that going to be? Is it going to be a life where you come home and you put sex on the calendar, you'll have sex 12 times a year and you play with your kids for a few hours every day and then you rinse and repeat as you said.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Or

[John DeLoney]

I want to slide in on my last day with zero tread left on the tires of my one wild and precious life. And let me say it this way, no path you take is going to be. Is going to be easy. Both paths are hard Pick the path that's going to give you life.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Right, Sorry, Just listening and processing.

[John DeLoney]

No, don't. Don't apologize, man. You're.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

You're.

[John DeLoney]

What, your whole life is an apology? I want you to get in the. I want you to picture yourself getting out of the trunk of your car and into the driver's seat of your life and asking yourself, where do I want to go? And if that means sitting down with your wife and apologizing and saying, I have let the last 10 years be one of apathy and frictionless fake peace, you and I get to decide what kind of marriage we want to build. What do you want life to look like? And it might be you putting sex on the calendar twice a week, three times a week. It might mean we're going to start cooking dinners together. It might mean all kinds of stuff. We're going to go dancing. I don't know what it's. We're going to put ourselves in a position. Even if we don't, quote, unquote, feel like it, we're going to put ourselves in a position to start doing things that are going to bring life and energy and spark back into this thing. You can't think your way to spark. You can't think your way to energy. You have to begin to do, to take action. And if you believe this, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but if you believe it, look your wife in the eye and say, I've got a 23 year old kid out there that I have. I've let down and that ends today. And so here's how you can love me through this. Because it's probably gonna go pretty rough. Or maybe not. Maybe that kid comes running at you and hugs you so tight you can't breathe. And you sob and you'll be filled with grief over the last two decades you've missed, but you'll be overcome with joy for the next 50 decades. You get to embrace. You get to decide all those things. Unpleasantness is not an excuse. Boredom not an excuse. I get to live my life

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

and

[John DeLoney]

I gotta do my job. I'm bored. Fine. I'm gonna go find a new job. It's hard to find jobs out there. Yep. I'm gonna grind away. Who do I want to help in this crazy world? And if the thought or the you put it on a list. And it's hard to even get out of bed. I want you to go talk to somebody. Go see somebody. There's too many amazing ways that people can get the help they need with therapists, with a psychotherapist, with a psychiatrist, especially for a season, to launch them into the direction of life they want to have. I've been there. I believe in you, man, even when you don't. But for moving forward, life's gonna be about action for you. Start taking steps, not even little steps. I want you to start running. And dude, call me anytime. Call me in 30 days. I'd like to hear how you're doing, how we're headed. I'd like to know how the conversation went with your son. And I'll walk with you every step of the way. Hang on the line. I'm gonna send you a copy of Building a Non Anxious Life. I want you to read that book cover to cover and use it as a blueprint for what comes next. We come back, a woman asks how to set healthy boundaries with her alcoholic husband while grieving the marriage she thought they had. When it comes to supplements, there's one main company I trust, Thorne. I was first introduced to Thorne by professional athletes over a decade ago, and Thorne continues to be the main supplements I trust. For me and my family and even my friends, supplements continue to be an unregulated industry. And that means it's flooded with garbage and nonsense. Most companies cut corners or they simply lie on their labels, but not Thorne. Thorne makes every product at their world class facility In South Carolina. 35% of Thorne's employees work in quality control and they reject 15% of raw materials because good enough is not good enough for Thorne. This is why pro athletes, Olympic teams, and more than 60,000 doctors across the country trust Thorne. And that's why I trust him too. Stop guessing what's going into your body. Go to thorne.com, the letter U Deloney to get 25 off your order. When you create an account that's T, H, O, r, n e, thorne.com, the letter u slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Salt Lake City, Utah and talk to Scarlett. Hey, Scarlett, what's up?

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Hi, John. How are you doing?

[John DeLoney]

All right, how are you?

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

I'm doing all right.

[John DeLoney]

What's going on?

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Well, yeah, let's go straight to the point, I guess. So. I got married two months ago.

[John DeLoney]

Oh, wow.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

And yeah, so we haven't been married very long. And my husband has problems with alcohol, which I knew he had some issues with. But about a month in he told me that he's been lying to me about it, basically our whole relationship. So I am now trying to figure out, like, how do I set Boundaries that are healthy for me without being controlling, because I can't control him, and without, like, letting myself be a doormat, essentially. But it's not like, you know, it's. It's like a once a week thing. And he's not violent or anything, but he knows that he can't stop, you know.

[John DeLoney]

Is he unwilling to go to rehab?

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

He started an outpatient rehab, actually, already.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. Which is. Which is a good sign, right?

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Yeah, absolutely. But he's unwilling to talk about it with anybody in his life.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Because he's embarrassed about it.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

If. If he goes through the treatment program all the way, that will wear down.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Well, I worry about that because he's had problems with other drugs, which he's quit completely, but it seems to me like just another substitute.

[John DeLoney]

Sure, of course it is from one

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

drug to the next.

[John DeLoney]

But what I'm saying is if he's in a good rehab program and that what he's going to find is the drugs and the alcohol, they were solving a problem for him. And once they detox, once he detoxes and has to deal with the raw nerve of the actual core issues, a good rehab program will sit with him and walk with him through those challenges until those raw nerves don't feel like hell on earth anymore.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah. Right.

[John DeLoney]

And it takes away the shame part of it, and it takes away the guilt part of it, and it takes away the. I can't tell anybody about this stuff. If you're around folks who've been through AA and who are in true recovery, they're pretty open books because they don't have anything to hide because they're. They become, over time, okay with themselves.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Not okay with themselves. They realize they're worth being loved and that love starts from the inside out. So here's what I don't want you to do in. In. In an effort to deal with your own. Like, I got the wool pulled over my eyes, or I was lied to for a long time, or I knew it was worse than it seemed, but I didn't. I thought I could maybe help or I thought once we got married it would kind of like I would be enough. Or whatever you are feeling right now, don't go into the future and try to drag future issues and bring them back and try to solve them in the present. Okay.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Yeah. Okay.

[John DeLoney]

Deal with tomorrow's problems tomorrow, man, you got enough today. When it comes to healthy boundaries, the ones I've seen successful are.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Are.

[John DeLoney]

Are not complicated. They're hard, but they're not Complicated. They're as simple as if you. If you're drinking, I'm going to sleep at somebody else's house. I'm leaving this home.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

So if you choose, kind of a hard one for me, because I feel like if we're not, you know, coming home, then you're like, not in the marriage and it's not going to make it any better.

[John DeLoney]

That's. That's not a. That's not good math. I'll say it that way.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. It's you looking at him when he's sober and saying, if you choose to drink, you're choosing to ask me to leave.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Because I won't be in this house when you're drunk. I can't control you. I can control me.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Right.

[John DeLoney]

What you're trying to do is hold on to a facade of a marriage, what you think a marriage is supposed to look like from the outside in, and at the same time, keep yourself safe. And you can't do both. Give up what other people are going to say about you. And he might not want to tell anybody, but that's not your responsibility. Your responsibility right now is to keep yourself safe and anchored.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

Is that fair?

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

None of that's easy. Do you have some people you could go stay with if you needed to?

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Yeah, I do.

[John DeLoney]

And it would probably be wise to let them know confidentially,

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

my husband's interview going on. So.

[John DeLoney]

So let him know if I call you at 11:00 and say I need to come spend the night, I won't want to talk about it that night. But can I come stay here? It's one of the boundaries I'm setting for him, is when he comes home, my hope is he comes out of outpatient rehab and he stops touching that stuff and he continues with his own therapy and his own counseling and his own work, and he begins to rebuild himself from the inside out.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Where else has he not been honest with you? It's rare that something this big happens in a vacuum.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Well, I don't think it's necessarily me. I think he's been dishonest and around this specific topic with anybody and everybody. He's gotten in trouble with the law and then skirted around some of that.

[John DeLoney]

And let me ask you another way. Are you confident that he's honest with you about his finances? Are you confident that he's honest with you about his fidelity?

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Yes.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, cool. Then you have some anchor points there.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

You got a guy who's struggling, who's sick, and he sounds like he's doing the work.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Yeah. I think he's trying to.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

I don't know if he's doing it for himself or for me, though, which again, help if it's just for me.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

You're right.

[John DeLoney]

But you're trying to get inside his head and trying to solve a problem you can't solve. What you can do on your end is be grateful that he's going to get the help he needs and you can draw the behavioral boundaries that you going to accept in your life.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And you're going to. You're going to love him enough to be very, very, very clear about what those are. If you're drinking, I will leave because you will be telling me through your actions that you want me to not be here.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

Right.

[John DeLoney]

Or maybe it's not leave the house. It's. I'm going to go upstairs. I'm going to sleep in the other room.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

You.

[John DeLoney]

You get to decide what those things are.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

That's.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

It's just hard for me to decide what those things are.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Like.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

I don't want you to do this, but I don't know what to do.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

When you do do that. So. Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Do you have somebody you can sit with and, and walk through those things with you who knows both of you? Well?

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Yeah. Okay.

[John DeLoney]

Then sitting down with them and coming up with a game plan. And then the only way a boundary works is if you hold it. If you give him a path to re. Establish trust with you and he doesn't follow that path and you don't do what you said you're going to do, then your boundary is meaningless. It's worthless.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

It.

[John DeLoney]

It. It's not worth the air you used to. To speak it into existence. And so you have to commit to yourself. If I put these boundaries down and he chooses to violate those boundaries, you have to commit to doing what's the next right thing. And it might be that your commitment to those boundaries is yet another wakeup call for him. Or he might look at you and say, thank God she's gone. And you have to deal with the reality of the marriage and the person you thought you married are not what you thought they were. And that's heartbreaking, and you have to grieve that. But you can look at this whole situation. You get to decide what pair of glasses you wear. You can look at the decision like you got the rug pulled out from under you. He lied to you. He's now in rehab. Now you're married to a guy in rehab. That's always going to be Part of your story, you can choose to wear glasses that say, I'm just going to keep looking for the negative and all the potential negative, or you can put on a pair of glasses that say, this is not what I signed up for. But the path forward for both of us is, a, we're going to start with rehab. He's doing that. B, I'm going to give him a very clear path to follow to re. Establish trust with me. He's doing that. Those are good things. And you get to pick which glasses you're wearing. As Brene Brown says, what you go looking for in the world, you're going to find it. If you want to find all the places he's still letting you down, you're going to keep finding and finding and finding places, even if you have to manufacture them. And if you're looking for places where he's starting to turn the ship and do well, even though this is not how you would have drawn it up, you'll find those, too. But find somebody this weekend and sit down with them and come up with a really clear game plan about, what are my boundaries going to be if he comes home drinking again? What are my boundaries going to be if he's cursing at me? If he. Fill in the blank, whatever it is, and then commit. Put the numbers in your phone, make sure you got a place to go. Then commit to following through and have these conversations with him openly and directly. My hope is he's in a good rehab program that will walk. Walk him through not just the detox part, but also the Getting well Part 2. I believe in you guys. I hate this for you. This is not a. This is not the way you drew up the first two months of your marriage. But this might be a way that y' all can clear the deck and completely rebuild this thing just two months in and get a foundation that both of you can anchor into for the rest of your lives. We'll be thinking about you, Scarlett. Keep plugging away at it. We'll be right back. Dude, check this out. Me and my family just got back from the beach, and I spent a lot of time fishing. While I was out on the beach, I was always wearing my poncho shirts. And it was raining and it was not too heavy. When it got wet, it was just perfect. And when it was hot outside, ah protected me. Poncho shirts rule. And when I went to dinner, what was I wearing? Poncho shirts. When I got home and we had to run to church, what was I wearing? Poncho Shirts. These things are amazing. And people are always asking me, are poncho shirts actually worth it?

[Kelly]

Yes.

[John DeLoney]

Yes, they're worth it. I've been wearing poncho shirts for years. Listen, if I'm on the stage, if I'm traveling, if I'm at the beach, if I'm running around town, I'm probably wearing poncho. This time of summer, I'm wearing their originals in ultralights a lot because it's hot outside. These shirts are light, they breathe, and they move with you. But they're also tough enough that I'm not worried about them ever. And here's the thing. I don't have to think about it. I just grab a poncho shirt, throw it on, and I go, poncho shirts are the best. Go to ponchooutdoors.com DeLoney and check out all of their styles. Sign up with your email and you'll get 10 bucks off your first purchase. That's Poncho outdoors.com Deloney all right, we're back. Kelly wearing the same pair of overalls again.

[Kelly]

That's because we recorded two shows today, so it was literally. Last time you said something was an hour ago.

[John DeLoney]

I think you're kind of going through a farmer phase. And I like it. I like it. I wish you'd put your straw hat back on. She took it off just for the recording of this show. Which, btw, it was pretty.

[Kelly]

Pretty sassy.

[John DeLoney]

It is. It's awesome.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

All right, so what do we got coming up?

[Kelly]

We have an Am I the problem?

[John DeLoney]

Let it rip.

[Kelly]

And this is from Evie in La Puente, California.

[John DeLoney]

Excellente.

[Kelly]

Gracias. We shouldn't do that.

[John DeLoney]

We shouldn't do that. You had to talk with me about that.

[Kelly]

I did. I even bought you a shirt. Do you remember what it says?

[John DeLoney]

I do. I saw it this weekend.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

All right, I've learned.

[Kelly]

So Evie writes, should I continue to push my partner to sell his Slayer tickets? He wants me to go with him, but I sees the concert as praising Satan, and he disagrees and says I'm thinking too much about it. We have been working on him being more positive in general, and I really don't want him to go. Should I just drop it or should I continue to push him?

[John DeLoney]

Kelly, why do you keep bringing these questions?

[Kelly]

I saw this one today, and I was like, yes.

[John DeLoney]

Hell, yes. All right, read the question one more time.

[Kelly]

Should I continue to push my partner to sell his Slayer tickets? He wants me to go with him, but I see the concert as praising Satan. And he disagrees and says I'm thinking too much about it. We have been working on him being more positive in general. I love.

[John DeLoney]

We are.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

Love that. We've been working on him being more positive in general. And I really don't want him to go, should I drop it or continue to push?

[John DeLoney]

I think you should control what you can control. And you can say, I don't want to go to this concert. I think this concert's a bad influence on you. When you listen to this music all day, every day, I get a different version of you that I don't care for. And so here's what I'm going to do next. But anytime somebody says we're working on him being more positive, that's not good.

[Kelly]

Yeah, he is 100% not working on it.

[John DeLoney]

No, no, no. And I am of the opinion that I, I talk out of both sides of my mouth on this. I used to follow Pantera around the state of Texas. I've seen them more than any other band in my life. And I remember, I remember I was probably my 20s, I think, sometime, and I remember thinking, huh, I got two parents that love me and I have a good job. I wonder if the fact that I'm so ragefully angry all the time is because I only listen to insane thrasher metal music. Maybe that. And lo and behold, I took a. I took a hiatus from all my insane music. And this is going to shock you all. I kind of cheered up a little bit. So anyone who says it doesn't, it doesn't impact me at all, you know, you're wrong. It a hundred percent does. And I also listen to crazy, crazy music. And I don't praise Satan. And so there's also that too. I don't, I don't know. What, what do you think, Kelly? You're laughing at me.

[Kelly]

I, I agree. Because like, I can remember when Alanis Morett's first. When Jack Little Pill came out and

[John DeLoney]

you were praising Satan.

[Kelly]

No, but just being like. Cuz, I mean, it's such a huge album at the time, and I mean, and diving and listening to it all the time and being like, I'm this female, like, angsty female now that like, hates me. And I was in a good relationship. I mean, I had no reason to be angry, but I was so angry. And I mean, I, you know, all men sucked and all this. And I was like, wait a minute, why am I feeling like this? Because you just get so into it.

[John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Kelly]

And so I totally believe that.

[John DeLoney]

But also, also Slayer's drum kit has two pentagrams on it.

[Kelly]

Right. So she's not 100%.

[John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Kelly]

That she can't control that she can't unless it's a value that she doesn't want cross. And she has to figure that out.

[John DeLoney]

Right. They have upside down crosses in their logo. She has a point.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

Right.

[Kelly]

But I agree that she controls what. She has to control what she wants to control. And then she has to decide if he chooses to go how she feels about that.

[John DeLoney]

And she can say, I'm disappointed in you if you go to this because you have expressed different life values and then you've said your piece and then she gets to decide what she's going to do next.

[Kelly]

Yeah. I love the line. We've been working on him being so great. He's 100. Not working on it.

[Caller 2 (Roger)]

No.

[John DeLoney]

We have been working on how nice he is. Yeah. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. You can work on how you respond to his fill in the blank. That's it. That's what you can work on.

[Kelly]

Be like me saying, we've been working on John being on time. Have we? Have we?

[Caller 3 (Scarlett)]

You have.

[Caller 1 (Rose)]

I have.

[John DeLoney]

I haven't exactly. I have, actually.

[Kelly]

No, you have. You've done a lot better with that. That was just an example, but you have done a lot better.

[John DeLoney]

See, that is true.

[Kelly]

Credit where it's due.

[John DeLoney]

Well, that's because you're in your farmer phase and farmers are great at giving credit. I love you guys. Hey, make good choices and be kind to one another. Love you guys.

[Kelly]

Bye.