How Do I Protect My Kids From My Mentally Unstable Ex-Wife?

Summary

Episode Summary: Protecting Kids from a Mentally Unstable Ex-Wife & Navigating Complex Relationships

Podcast Information:

• Title: The Dr. John DeLoney Show
• Host/Author: Ramsey Network
• Description: A caller-driven show offering real talk on relationships and mental health challenges.
• Episode: How Do I Protect My Kids From My Mentally Unstable Ex-Wife?
• Release Date: July 2, 2025

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Introduction

In this poignant episode of "The Dr. John DeLoney Show," Dr. DeLoney delves into deeply personal and emotionally charged issues presented by callers. The episode primarily focuses on protecting children from a mentally unstable ex-spouse, balancing personal interests with marital commitments after a spouse's serious health crisis, and coping with feelings of inadequacy stemming from past familial trauma.

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Caller 1: Protecting Kids from a Mentally Unstable Ex-Wife

Caller Details:

• Name: Tim (also referred to as Tony/David)
• Issue: Seeking guidance on limiting children's access to his ex-wife due to her severe mental health decline.

Background:

Tim describes his ex-wife’s prolonged struggle with mental health issues, culminating in a recent acute episode where she was found wandering highways in a confused state. She now requires 24-hour care, leading Tim to restrict his children's interactions with her to ensure their safety.

Discussion Highlights:

• Emotional Impact: Tim expresses guilt over limiting his children's access to their mother (00:32).
• Children’s Response: His children, aged 13 and 16, are avoiding discussions about their mother's condition (04:06).
• Grief Complexity: Dr. DeLoney highlights the unique challenge of grieving someone who is still physically present but mentally unavailable, comparing it to an unfinished sentence ("...") (03:09).

Dr. DeLoney’s Advice:

1. Open Communication: Encourage children to express their feelings through activities like writing letters to their mother, providing a safe space for emotional release (07:35).
2. Model Vulnerability: Allowing himself to show vulnerability teaches the children that it's okay to express emotions, breaking the facade of being a "pillar of concrete" (06:07).
3. Consistent Support: Emphasize steady support and presence, helping children understand that their feelings are valid and that their father is also navigating grief (08:07).

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. DeLoney (03:09): "It's like a sentence without a period. It's an ellipsis. And it's really tough."
• Caller Tim (02:32): "Like I don't know, like I lost my father... It feels to me that like the kids have lost the mother they knew."
• Dr. DeLoney (07:35): "Maybe you can have them write a letter to their mom... it gives them a glimpse that I'm your dad and I can hold it with you."

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Caller 2: Balancing Personal Hobbies with Wife's Recovery from Brain Surgery

Caller Details:

• Name: Tony
• Issue: Struggling to maintain personal interests while dedicating time to his wife’s recovery after brain surgery.

Background:

Tony recounts how meeting his wife and supporting her through a brain tumor diagnosis accelerated their relationship, leading to marriage. Post-surgery, he finds himself neglecting hobbies like golfing, feeling torn between personal fulfillment and marital commitments.

Discussion Highlights:

• Fear of Regret: Tony fears missing out on life's "prime years" by not engaging in activities he once enjoyed (19:05).
• Identity Struggle: He feels he’s losing touch with his identity by focusing solely on his marriage (19:06).

Dr. DeLoney’s Advice:

1. Embrace Change: Recognize that relationships evolve and personal priorities shift naturally over time (21:10).
2. Allow Personal Time: Grant himself permission to engage in personal hobbies without guilt, understanding that maintaining one's identity strengthens the marriage (23:02).
3. Next Right Thing: Focus on incremental actions that balance personal and marital needs, such as scheduling specific times for hobbies and quality time with his wife (24:34).

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. DeLoney (21:10): "Things got into focus for you that most people don't get into focus until their 50s or 60s or 70s."
• Dr. DeLoney (24:31): "Just be where your feet are right now. The next right thing is I'm going to go fishing with the guys."
• Tony (16:18): "I feel like if I don't create a rhythm in our relationship, I might regret it later."

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Caller 3: Coping with Feeling Like a Second Choice in Engagement

Caller Details:

• Name: David (also referred to as Tony)
• Issue: Feeling inadequate and second choice in his engagement, compounded by childhood trauma of his father leaving at age four.

Background:

David shares his journey from reconnecting with a high school crush to proposing marriage. Despite the positive developments, he struggles with feelings of not being the first choice and underlying insecurities stemming from his father abandoning the family when he was four.

Discussion Highlights:

• Childhood Trauma: David’s father left when he was four, leading to enduring feelings of unworthiness and abandonment (36:08).
• Relationship Insecurities: These deep-seated issues surface, making him question his worthiness in his current relationship (37:24).
• Behavioral Patterns: David notices a tendency to seek external validations, such as changing jobs or flipping cars, to fill the emotional void left by his father (38:09).

Dr. DeLoney’s Advice:

1. Confronting Inner Child: Encourage David to write a letter to his four-year-old self, addressing the pain and providing reassurance that the abandonment was not his fault (40:25).
2. Building Self-Worth: Focus on internal validation rather than external achievements to build a stable sense of self-worth (43:27).
3. Healing Process: Acknowledge that healing from such deep trauma requires time, self-reflection, and possibly continued therapy (46:27).

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. DeLoney (36:30): "Your old man left because something was going on inside of him, not you."
• Dr. DeLoney (40:25): "Write that little boy a letter tonight. Dads don't leave boys."
• Dr. DeLoney (43:27): "We have to go do the next right thing and begin to say, okay, where do I find value and worth?"

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Conclusion

Throughout this episode, Dr. John DeLoney offers compassionate and practical guidance to callers facing intricate emotional and relational challenges. By addressing issues ranging from protecting children in volatile family dynamics to navigating personal identity within a marriage, Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the importance of open communication, self-reflection, and incremental progress in healing and personal growth. His empathetic approach provides listeners with actionable steps to manage their unique situations effectively.

Disclaimer: Advertisements and promotional segments interspersed within the podcast have been excluded from this summary to maintain focus on the core content as per user instructions.

Transcript

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Big news. New dates for money and marriage Getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day Weekend 2026. Get [e-mail] events to get away with your spouse. In Nashville, Tennessee.

[Tim]

My ex wife was found wandering the highway during rush hour traffic in a state of confusion. She is currently unable to safely care for her health and requires 24 hour care. And that's where we are right now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. So glad that you're with us. Talking about your kids, your marriage, your dating relationships, what in the world you're supposed to do next. In a world that feels like it is falling apart, how do we keep singing even if it's just a couple of us huddled around a campfire. That's what we're doing here, man. Pull up a stool, pull up a seat, pull up a log and we'll figure out what's the next right move. Whatever you got going on. Go to John Deloney D E L O N Y John Deloney dot com. Ask a S K and we'll get you on the show. Go out to Boston to a Harvard bar and talk to Tim. What's up Tim?

[David]

Hello.

[Tim]

How you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing good, man. What's up with you, brother?

[Tim]

I. I've been calling a show to ask you how do I cope with the guilt of having to limit my children's access to their mother for their safety and what can I do to support them emotionally through this difficult time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What happened, ma' am?

[Tony]

My.

[Tim]

My ex wife was found wandering the highway during rush hour traffic in a state of confusion about a month ago. And she's been in hospitals and treatment facilities since then. And my current understanding of the situation is she is currently unable to safely care for herself and requires 24 hour care. And that's where we are right now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you asked how to cope with the guilt. Tell me, tell me what you're feeling, man.

[Tim]

Like I don't know, like I lost my father I guess a couple years ago and it feels to me that like the kill the kids have lost like the mother they knew.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Tim]

And like she's not, she. She is just a shell of herself right now. And how do I help the kids go through that? Or if I. Maybe I'm just feeling that way because of how I lost my father. It's like she's. She's gone, but she's not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And never want to minimize somebody who loses a loved one like to someone who dies. Right. Obviously, that's catastrophic. Sitting with people over the last two decades, I almost sense a. The loss is different, but in a strange way, it's more. I don't say painful, but there's a different kind. It's a different depth to the hurt because they're still there, but they're not.

[Tim]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And so you're trying to grieve somebody that's still walking around or still breathing, if you will. And there's not a period at the end of the sentence. It's like a dot, dot, dot. Right. It's ellipsis. And it's. It's really tough. So are your kids asking questions?

[Tim]

They're kind of sticking their head in the sand, and, you know, they haven't. I. I've tried to ask them if they want to talk about it. Most of the time is no, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are they?

[Tim]

One is 13 and 1 16.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Yeah, they're old enough that I would recommend not asking them.

[Tim]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because they're gonna also move. Like, let me back up. When did y' all get divorced?

[David]

About six years ago.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Have they been visiting her? Was this psychiatric. Was this not psychiatric, the psychotic break? Was it pretty acute, or has she been struggling with mental health challenges forever?

[Tim]

She's been struggling with mental health challenges since my son was born 13 years ago. So I would say probably she's been more or less stable for, like, the last seven years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, let's back all the way up. Y' all got divorced six years ago, which would have put one kid at seven and would have put one kid at 10.

[David]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Before that, there would have been two or three years or four years of escalating tension in your house. Fair?

[Tim]

Yes, very fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So my guess is your kids developed some sort of safety mechanisms, ways to keep themselves safe and possibly even ways to keep you safe. And that's heartbreaking, but that's what kids do. And I'm wondering if this many years later, they know there's just some things that is just not good to talk about with that. And that's not an indictment of you. That's just an is. And so when you say, hey, do you guys want to talk about something? They may say, those feelings are too big and we can't hold them. We're just. We're still. We're teenagers, but we're still kids, and we don't want to do that to you dad.

[Tony]

Or.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We saw how hard it was when. When you lost your dad. Like, we just want. Let's just keep the water calm. And so often a great gift a parent can give their kids is to let the kids see how hard this is for you. Give them permission, not verbally, but experientially, that Dad's heart is broken. To that I'm sad that I'm going through another grief just after my dad died. And that goes counter to everything we're taught as men, which is the greatest gift we could give our kids is like, just be a pillar of concrete. Just be strong. And what ends up happening is the kids feel crazy because they miss their mom or they miss marriage, or they miss the fantasy that one day, even though it's been six years, mom and dad will get back together. And so there may be a moment where you say, hey, kids, like, I need you all to come sit around the table. And maybe I'll never sit around the table in your house. That's cool. But you sit around the table and you say, I've really been struggling with your mom being so sick, and I'm sad, and I just want to say it out loud that I'm really sad and give them a picture of what it looks like to say things like that out loud. Maybe it's. Hey, I want you guys to write a letter to your mom. And she may not be able to read it right now, but I want y' all to read it out loud. That's your homework assignment. And after you do that, I'll take us out for ice cream. But I want you all to write a letter to mom, whether you miss her, whether you're mad, whether you're sad, whether you're frustrated, and give them a homework assignment that they have to do a thing in front of you, and they'll go, d so dumb. And one kid may write one sentence, and one may write, everything's so wonderful. Hope you're doing good and like it. It may be totally divorced from what you're experiencing, but what you're doing is you're just giving them a glimpse that I'm your dad and I can hold it with you.

[Tim]

That makes sense. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How does that sound? Does that scare you? Does it frustrate you? Does it. Are you. Like, that's just stupid. Like, talk to me.

[Tim]

I mean, I guess it's just. I guess it's scary.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me more about that.

[Tim]

Really good at making sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, real quick, Tim, your phone's breaking up real bad. All right, there. There we go. There it is. Now you're back.

[Tim]

I guess I'm really good at making sure my kids get the things they need.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And.

[Tim]

So like, you know, if they need something for school, they need to get somewhere. I am really good at that. I'm not so good at like talking about like how they're feeling and stuff.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so talk about how you're feeling.

[Tim]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I love, Dude, I love that your heart is. You want to give them what they need. And I guess what I would tell you now is what they need. Not more than anything, because they need food and shelter and oxygen. Right? They need that stuff. A great gift to them would be you saying, I have all of these bananas crazy mad house feelings in my chest and I don't even know how to say them out loud. And they may get really tense and look at you like with laser beam eyes. But dude, you are, you are giving them permission. A permission they don't even know they need. Because I'll just, I'll tell you on the back end, like, I worked with 18 to 25 year olds for 20 plus years. Okay? Their house blew up. Their mom is very, very sick. Their mom is alive and had a psychiatric break. So there's a human being that is their mother that is not their mother anymore. They have a dad who loves them, but is also been through hell after the divorce. And before the divorce, like they're. They have that stuff piled up inside of them. It will come out, period, end of story, I promise you. Or they'll come up with some very sophisticated ways to keep it from coming out. Like drinking like alcohol, like trying to get a gold star and a gold star and a gold star, or trying to just disappear and run from it. But it will come out. And so you, while they're still in your home, you giving them a picture of. Here's your big tough dad. Like, dude, they know you love them. They know that. But you giving them a picture. Guys, I don't even know what to say right now. I don't have the words to say that. I'm just sad again. I'm heartbroken again, man. Dude, I'm talk. I mean, you're. That's like, that's like change your family tree kind of stuff. And it's not a onshot, it's a. It's an overtime conversation. And maybe you say, I'll write a letter too. And we're all going to read them to each other. Dad, come on, man. I want to go. I know, but we're doing this, we're doing this thing.

[Tim]

Yeah, I can do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And maybe you tell them I'm gonna give this letter we're gonna keep these letters in a box. And one day, if mom gets well. When mom gets well. If mom gets well, we'll be able to give them to her, and she'll be able to get a glimpse into what life was like, well, while she was getting better.

[Tim]

Yeah, I can do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And maybe hearing them say. Hearing you say, she's not my wife anymore, but she gave me the two greatest things in the whole wide world. You two. I still want the best for her. I still want her to be okay. And I'm sad, too. And here. Here's the thing. You don't get this thing right, you won't say all the right things. You won't express all the right things. And that, in and of itself is the most important lesson. That it's not how you do this, it's that you do this. You're getting real quiet on me. What are you thinking?

[Tim]

I feel that they're hurting. And I. I'm. I feel helpless, I guess.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Tim]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Then. Then let's. Let's don't ask them to. Let's just be the dad and run straight into their hurt. Because if they were. If they were bleeding, you'd run straight into that. If there was a broken arm, you'd run straight into that. If somebody in the yard was trying to hurt your kid, you'd run straight into that. Their hurt is just inside their chest. Run straight into it. And even if you run in saying, I don't know what to do, they'll have the permission to finally drop their shoulders. And I think you're on to something. I think you're reliving this with your dad. And maybe you write a letter to your dad and read that to your boys. Dear Dad, I miss you. Dear dad, you left too early. I'm both mad at you, and I miss you, and I need you right now. And give them a picture of what that looks like. But we're just teaching them that it's okay to be a man that provides, that takes care of, and that also has feelings, too. We're gonna feel these things, and then we're gonna go do the next right thing. And maybe the next right thing is let's go get ice cream. Maybe the next right thing is we're gonna all go fishing. I don't know what y' all do together. Get some Red Sox tickets and boo Alex Breadman. Bregman. While you're there because he left the Astros. I don't know what you do, but I think you head directly into it. Thanks for the call, my brother. We come back, a man wonders how to focus on his own happiness while supporting his wife's recovery. All right, don't skip this one. I want to talk to you about my friends at Delete Me. Does anyone else feel like your digital footprint is starting to feel more like a digital trail leading right back to you and your family? Right now, scammers are using phishing attacks. That's phishing with a pH, where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you. You. You get an email, a text, or a phone call, and the person or the AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's looking out for you. And you give them all of your information, then they rip you off. With the new technological advancements, no one is really safe. So what is any of us to do? You can start controlling what you can learn about. How to be careful online and offline and sign up with Delete Me. I use and recommend Deleteme because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. That way I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having all of my data and selling it back and forth without me knowing. Delete Me has reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me, and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop phishing attacks, harassment, and other online threats before they start, and take control of your digital privacy. With Delete me, go to joindeleteme.com DeLoney today for 20% off an annual plan that comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney all right, Kansas City, Kansas. Let's talk to Big D. What's up, David?

[Tony]

How's it going, Dr. John?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Doing all right, brother? What's up in your world, man?

[Tony]

Well, so I. I kind of want to clarify my. My question for you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't even know what it is, so. So let it rip.

[Tony]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. The team has it.

[Tim]

Sure.

[Tony]

So. So protecting the space that I need for my hobbies and interests without sacrificing my intentionality and my quality time with my wife, who is my newlywed, who just underwent brain surgery.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's a lot. That's kind of.

[Tony]

That's kind of the short of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't smoke, but I kind of want to have a cigarette with you right now. That's a lot going on. What happened?

[Tony]

I don't smoke. I don't smoke either, but I've been.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Considering starting like, happened.

[Tony]

Well, so I met my wife in December of 2023, and about eight months into our relationship, we found out that she had a brain tumor, which was kind of like, a crazy situation for us to be in because I was like, whoa, you know, like, you're my girlfriend, but that's kind of a lot, and, you know, I'm gonna need to, like, walk through this with you. And just that situation ended up being the catalyst of our relationship really taking off. So we ended up getting married about 14 months into our relationship.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Before. Before surgery or after?

[Tony]

Before. Two months before. And so she just had her surgery at the beginning of April, and everything went really, really well. And so now we're kind of in this situation now where it's like, okay, well, we have the whole rest of our lives to, you know, like, focus on marital wise, because it was kind of like, everything built up to this surgery that we had been expecting to happen for so long. And then it happened, and she got. She got better and was, like, nearly fully recovered really, really, really quickly, which was just, like, amazing and a miracle. But, like, I guess in the process of that, our quality time together became everything and every hobby and every interest that I had during the early months of our relationship. And in the months leading up to her surgery and now for about the last month, post surgery, I've just realized, like, I don't really do the things that I used to enjoy doing anymore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I mean, like, look, dude, you came up for air.

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You've been. You've been trying to keep somebody alive. Yeah. Like, are you. Are you. Is she mad at you or are you feeling weird? Like, I.

[Tony]

No, it. It's more that I'm feeling weird. In fact, she, like, is kind of. She kind of urges me to make sure that, like, I kind of stop neglecting my desire to do the things that, you know, like, made me. Me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Tony]

Before our relationship. And when we have those conversations, I'm like, yeah, you're.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're right.

[Tony]

I do still want to do those things. But it's almost like when she urges me to do that, it makes me want to do it less because it's like, oh, well, you care about me so much, and I love you. And, like, I just want to, like, you know, keep spending as much time with you as possible. And she enjoys that. It's not like I'm smothering her with, you know, our quality time, but it's just like, I feel like if I don't create a rhythm in our relationship where it's like, okay, well, you know, it's Saturday morning, which means I go play nine holes of golf. You know, if I. If I don't start creating, like, a culture where that's normal for me, that it could lead to, like, me looking back on these prime years of my life with regret, like, oh, I didn't do enough of this that I really enjoyed doing, or I haven't, you know, gone hiking or golfing or gotten together with my buddies and jammed for, you know, 20 years. And now look, I'm in my 50s and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are you? Right?

[Tony]

29.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I did not start having what I would consider, like, atomic fun until I was in my 40s.

[Tony]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I know that sounds bananas, but I spent most of my 20s. Like, I'd watch the fights with my buddies, and we all got together every Monday night, but most of the time I was at work and in grad school. Sure, all the time, all the time, all the time. And that laid a foundation that I didn't even know I was laying for the life I live right now. And with AI coming with what I think is going to be some workforce shocks coming, I am now consciously trying to think through and build a new foundation for what living in my 50s and 60s and 70s will look like.

[Tony]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so what I would tell you is you are putting way, way too much pressure on this, on this moment right now.

[Tony]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't know if this. If this story will ring true with you, but my buddy John, one of my best buddies in the world, he had his first daughter, Elise, and we got together every night, I mean, every Monday night for years. And then Elise came along, and then literally overnight, he quit hanging out with us.

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And his wife, Jennifer is one of my. I would consider one of my closest friends in the world. She, like, me and a couple other buddies were like, man, she's kind of the worst. Like, she had a kid and he can't even hang out one night, Right? And that went on one year, went on two years. And then a couple years later, I had my first kid, and the last thing I wanted to do was go hang out with a bunch of idiots on Monday night. I want to sit on my couch and hold that kid. And I remember John and I were having a drink one night, and I was like, hey, why didn't you tell me that you weren't not hanging out with us? Your wife was awesome the whole time. And why didn't you tell us that, like, you didn't want to hang out with us? You Want to sit on the couch and just hold this lump of a human? And he smiled. I'll never forget this. He smiled real big and said, you wouldn't have understood until you held your own yourself. And so what I think you're experiencing is you love somebody and y' all got to dangle over the edge. Like, things got into focus for you that most people don't get into focus until their 50s or 60s or 70s, or until they lose a parent or until, you know, a kid gets real sick or something. You all got to do that while you're dating, while you're engaged, and at the very beginning of your marriage. And so really quickly, you got like a filter for crap that matters and crap that doesn't.

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you got a un. A unexpected reordering of what you actually quote, unquote like to do. It's like telling somebody in your 20s, hey, the. If you get married right now as a 25 year old, the best sex you will have is in your 40s, in your 50s. And they're like, gross. No. And you just, you just like, all right, just when you get there, just holler back at me. And similarly, like telling you, like telling your 25 year old self you're going to want to sit on the couch and just watch Old Brooklyn nine nine reruns with this girl that you just married more than you want to play golf. And you're gonna be like, okay, whatever, dude. And then here it is. Does that make sense?

[Tony]

Yeah, no, it makes. It makes perfect sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So give yourself permission just to smile. You know what I'm, you know I'm doing tomorrow.

[Tony]

What's that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I have no idea. Okay, I may go fishing. I may go mow real quick because I'm gonna be on the road again next week. I may hang out with my wife. I may just. My daughter's into this thing she calls Yard Fight, which sounds like a YouTube channel, but she's like, dad, Yard Fight now. And we turn the sprinklers on and we get on the front yard and we wrestle. And I'm sure people are recording that on their phones, like, whatever. Like, I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow because I'm gonna see what's the best way I can love my wife tomorrow and what's the funnest opportunities we got and what's something I may want to do. And we'll figure that out this evening.

[Tony]

Yeah, that sounds. That sounds beautiful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And my buddy Ben right here, he's running the board. We're we're in a band together, and we're going to start jamming in a few weeks.

[Tony]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And I still love playing music. I still have way too many guitars for a guy that doesn't play as many shows as I would like to. And a couple times a year, we get together and we rock out, and it's so fun.

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I'm interested in the pressure you're putting on yourself. What do you. Like, you've almost taken yourself to 55 and looked back.

[Tony]

Yeah. Yeah, I have.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, who's telling me that they missed a big part of their life or the quote, unquote, best years of my life?

[Tony]

It's. Well, nobody is telling me that. I think that, like, what. Okay, so everything you just said resonates a lot with me. And, like, the. The story that you told about your friend is very relevant to my life. I got married, and there are friends that I had the day before I got married that, like, I, you know, got married one day and, like, have hardly kind of almost spoken to anybody. And, you know, I can definitely, probably tell that on their end, they think, like, oh, you know, like, he used to be, you know, like, in regular communication with us and would hang out all the time and do this and do that, and we don't know if we're ever gonna see him again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, you will. You will.

[Tony]

I. I know I will. But, like, at the same time, I, like, almost, like, in a weird way, like, don't care.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. Yes. And y' all will get. Somebody will say, hey, I miss everybody. Let's all get together. The other night, I did an event in Fort Worth, and a lot of my buddies drove up from that one. One of my buddies, Christian, I haven't seen him in 20 years. And, dude, we all got it. We were in my hotel room, and we all sat around, and we all took food and stuff up from the bar downstairs, and we laughed until one in the morning. Everybody brought their wives up. It's different. We told old stories. I mean, it was like. We just fell right into place.

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it was awesome. But it's. But it is different. And if we hung out every week, they would be sick of me. In about a month. I would be like, all right, guys, I gotta go home. It just. It's just. It's. You're experiencing the natural change of life.

[Tony]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here's the deal. Some of my closest. Like, I hung out with them every day, all the time. And then I got married, and then we hung out Last. Then we hung out last. And I still love them. I still text him every once in a while. We call each other. We see each other once every few years. It's awesome. I love having him in my life, but my. My relationships have changed, and it's cool to just be kind of bummed out about that. Yeah, Seasons, man, for sure. I'm just proud of you, like, as just a. Like, just guy to guy. Like, that's a. That's a herculean task to walk with your fiance, girlfriend, fiance, and then wife through brain surgery, man, and say, however this comes out, I'm going to be right here. We don't have that picture of love much. We have a picture of. It doesn't feel good. And you're like, no, no, I'm going to be right here. That's amazing, man.

[Tony]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. I am interested, and this is just a question for you guys to explore later on. Okay. I am interested in. And I say this all loving with a smile on my face. Maybe your wife would like some alone time. And she doesn't. She don't want to hurt your feelings. And so she's like, hey, why don't you go play with your friends? Why don't you go play golf? And so maybe asking the question and this is like, okay, now we have. We already. Y' all already have marriage 2.0. Because you got married and then you went to brain surgery, and then she came out, and then she's. Well, and now you are looking at like, oh, dude, we made it. Like, we're in this ride or die. You all are already in marriage 2.0. Maybe taking her out and saying, all right, we're in marriage 2.0. We get to do whatever we want to do with this marriage. Question number one. How can I best love you when it comes to free time? I've been. I've been all over everything and give her permission to say, like, man, Saturday mornings, I just like waking up with coffee, and I like it quiet, listening to my old tunes. I would love just to have three or four hours. I love you. I love you. I love you. And maybe she doesn't have permission in her own heart and mind to say, I love you, and I want some. Some private time. And you may go, oh, boo, I'd rather hang out with you. And you might have to call the guys back and be like, you guys want to go fishing because it's your second alternative, but it's just rebuilding this. How do we tell each other what we want in this particular season that we're in, I think it's amazing. But, dude, I think you're in the right place at the right time. Don't already get to 55 and look back and try to reverse engineer how you're going to feel when you're 50. That's tough. Just do the next right thing. And for you, that right now the next right thing is I just like hanging out with you. So I'm going to do that. The next right thing might be I'm going to go fishing with the guys. And you know what? You're probably going to have fun with him too. It's awesome. Just be where your feet are right now. Good call, my brother. We come back, a man wonders if he should end his engagement over being her second choice. Hey, it's Deloney for organifi. I talk to people every day who feel overwhelmed, and I don't just mean emotionally. They're physically and mentally worn out. They're anxious, not sleeping well. They feel foggy and disconnected, and most of them are trying to push through with a combination of coffee and willpower. Can we all just agree what you're doing probably isn't working? Redlining your body every minute of every day is burning you and everyone you love to the ground. That's where organifi comes in. Organifi makes organic superfood blends and gummies that are designed to support your body, your mind, and even your emotions and not just set everything else on fire. Just mix organifi superfood blends with water and you're good to go. For me, that's green juice in the morning for focus and red juice in the morning and the afternoon for clean energy without the crash. And I love my happy drops to boost my mood and the shilajit gummies that help me feel like a laser beam. Most people don't have to overhaul their entire life to just start feeling better. You have to listen to your body and make some small daily choices. And you can start with my friends at Organifi. Go to Organifi.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to save 20% off. That's 20% off everything with code DeLoney at O R G-A N I F I Organifi.com DeLoney all right, Los Angeles, California. Let's talk to Tony. Tony.

[Tony]

Tony.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up, Tony?

[David]

Hey, dog. How's it going?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good, man. How about you?

[David]

Ah, living the dream.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Anytime somebody says that, it's like everything's falling apart. What's up, man?

[David]

Not not much. We'll just give you a call. You know, I've been. I've been tuned into your show for quite a bit now, and I really like the advice you give.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Appreciate it, man.

[David]

I've listened to a lot of your videos, looking for, you know, just a lot of things that have helped me in my life that I've implemented and have been great from. From your advice. And, you know, recently, about a year ago, almost a year now, I decided to propose to my fiance. Yeah. And I've known her since high school. We went to high school together about 10 years back or so. And I've. I've. Man, she's been my crush since then, since the day that I met her. I constantly tell her, you know, I try to hit on her since all four years, basically. And even after, it never really quite panned out. And then out of nowhere last year, we just. I just, out of the blue, decided to text on Instagram, and we just connected, we clicked, and things just went great. I was living in Kentucky at the time, and I decided to move back to California, both for family reasons and to be closer to her. And that's when I, you know, popped the question in February of this year. Oh, sorry, September of last year. And then finally got her family's permission this February. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is this whole time that we've known each other, I've always wanted something with her, but I've never, you know, it felt like I was just never the right guy for her up until now. And I'm having a really tough time feeling like she's, you know, like I'm her second or third choice, really. We've had the conversation of our past relationships, of what we want out of this relationship and all of that stuff. And a lot of that's prompted by conversations that you've had with other callers. But I've also heard you say that if you can't get over, you know, those pictures of her being with somebody else in your mind, you have to let her go. When can I make the choice of I can't get over this, or if I. Or how can I figure out if I can't even go with that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, you can. The choice is, do you want to. Anybody. Anybody can, right? It's. You just have to decide, do I want this? And I think there's an important reframe here. You say, like, I wasn't the guy for her. You're looking at all of this from, like, a one down Position. I instantly. When you're telling me the story, the note I just wrote down was. No, no, no, no. She wasn't the right girl for you yet. She had to go explore and figure out who she was, what she thought that she wanted, maybe what her mom was always telling her what she needed. And then she had to go like, all right, mom and. Or her friends or her community or her abuela, who knows? But she went through these adventures. She went through these dark nights of the soul, and she came out to the other side. She. She picked you. And so she wasn't ready.

[David]

Oh, geez. I've never thought of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, you weren't ready either.

[David]

100. Yeah, I know.

[Tony]

She.

[David]

She even told me the reason why she never actually gave me a chance. I was. I was not only talking to her at the time. And, you know, of course it's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And so here's the deal. You probably heard me say this a lot, bro. You. You're not confident in you. Where does that come from, man? Oh, dude, this is crazy. This has. I think this has nothing to do with her. I think it has everything to do with you.

[David]

No. 100%. I was in therapy for a bit.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[David]

I had to get out. Financial situations. The whole move back took a lot of, you know, financial strain on me. So I'm working to get back. To get back on therapy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, you're already circling around. You're already circling it around. Comes straight through it with me.

[David]

We, so far we've been. We've been landing on that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, not we. Why don't you like Tony?

[David]

Sounds a little bit silly when I say it out loud, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Say it, man. I'm not judging.

[David]

Well, you know, my dad left when I was a kid.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[David]

And ever since then I've been looking for someone. Well, I've never felt like I was good enough for anybody to like Tony.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. You know why? Why? Why?

[David]

Because the man that made me didn't love me enough.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Damn right. And can I say something else? That's on him, not you. Your old man left because something was going on with him, not you.

[David]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no, no, no. You didn't hear it. Your dad left because something was going on inside of him, not because of you. And here's what I'm telling you right now. I don't like going to work some days because I want to hang out with my 15 year old son. And I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about that. I like the young man he's becoming I like him. I don't like to go to work some days because I like wrestling with my 9 year old little girl and listening to whatever crazy story she's coming up with. And I'm not special. I'm just a dad who loves his kids. But your old man bounced because of him, not you.

[David]

Yeah, I. I guess I just never thought this could have anything to do with my relationship. You know? I mean.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes, because here's why. Here's the problem, Tony. You got it. You got the thing you have been fantasizing over for a decade. And what you're realizing is it didn't fill that hole in the center of your chest because you're still a little nine year old little boy asking, dad, what is so bad about me that you left?

[David]

Oh, Jesus. That applied to everything else is that I'm not happy with my job.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, I didn't hear what you said.

[David]

What I said, does that apply to everything else?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's why you move jobs, that's why you move across the country. And the moment you move back to California, you already had your eyes on something else, right?

[David]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[David]

I'm always looking for the next thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The next you're trying to get something from out there to fill up what's in here. And at some point you're gonna have to sit down and sit down and like, like crisscross applesauce and face that nine year old little you, the four year old little you. And you could do this in your mind. I've had grown men sit on the floor so they can get the eyeline that they had when they were six when their dad left. I've had grown men sit on the floor and write a letter to talk out loud. But you're going to have to address that six year old little boy and let that homie go play. Because he's still sitting in the driveway saying, daddy, come back, I'll do better next time. Exhale real quick. When did your dad leave?

[David]

When I was four.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, close your eyes right now where you're sitting. Picture you at four. Were you a chubby little kid? Were you a skinny little kid? What were you for?

[David]

I was a scrawny little kid.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right? Scrawny little kid. Picture him at the very edge of the driveway of your childhood house. What kind of car did old man drive?

[David]

Old white Lexus Es.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, Picture the brake lights coming on that car at the end of the street as he's turning right off that block. And picture yourself yelling while you're holding a little Teddy bear or a baseball mitt. Dad, where are you going? And then from the front porch, I want you to see that little boy and I want you to see his shoulders drop and I want you to see his head drop.

[David]

Man, that hurts.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but that's where the pain is, brother.

[David]

How do I even begin to address that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You write that little boy a letter tonight. Not on a. On an app and not on a text message, but you write, get out a piece of paper and write him a letter. Dads don't leave boys. And dad was sick. Dad was troubled, dead, had his own demons because that's the only reason dads leave their boys. And then you tell that little Tony I love you. And how old are you now, brother?

[David]

26.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You tell him 22 years from now. You're not going to believe this, but we're going to be stronger. We're going to have found an amazing woman that's going to spend the rest of her life with us. We moved back to California because we just didn't like keeping all of our paycheck and we wanted to give some more to the government, so we moved back to California. Yeah, we didn't. We didn't like paying half for our home in Kentucky, so we decided to double our house payment. Whatever.

[David]

Oh, geez.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's the thing. You're gonna let that four year old little boy whose heart is just exploded in his chest. You're gonna let him know you don't see it yet. Four year old Tony, but I grow up bigger and stronger and I'm okay. We made it. We did. Okay.

[David]

Yeah, we did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We did. And we got a long way to go, right?

[David]

Yeah.

[Tony]

Okay.

[David]

Got a long way to go.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This woman that you're going to marry is not going to heal you. She didn't sign up for that. But she did sign up to walk with you.

[David]

Yeah. Yeah. She's a saint.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your job, Your job's not going to heal you, but your job will provide money for you to build the life you want to build. And hopefully it's a life that has peace in it and has joy in it and has few, as few demons as possible in it. So that when you have a little boy, you know, I'm never going to leave that boy.

[David]

Yeah, right. Yeah, 100%.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But when you get itchy and what I mean by that. You know what I mean by that. People who don't, don't. Aren't always looking over the. Over the line. Don't understand that line, but you know what I mean when you get itchy.

[David]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When you start wanting to apply for a job, when you start wanting to, like, look at another house and you start, like, scrolling Instagram to be like, I think I want to get a zero down rental property because I want to be a. Just right. Right. Yeah, yeah, Yep.

[David]

I flip cars.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course you do. Yeah, of course.

[David]

I'm looking for the next car now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course you are. You're probably scrolling on it right now while you're talking to me.

[David]

Facebook market.

[Tim]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All of that is a drug trying to make that little boy feel better. Maybe if I make this much money, maybe if I get this girl, maybe if I get a house that looks like this, then at some point my dad will.

[David]

Maybe if I get this title.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. Then. Then my dad will. He's never gonna call, brother.

[David]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He won't call. That call. I'm proud of you. That call, dude, I failed you. That call's never going to come. And that, that should break your heart. It should break the heart of every young man, every old man, every boy. Every man I know is desperate for his old man to call him, not text him, call him and say, hey, I don't tell you this enough. I'm so proud of you. Call's not going to come. And so masculinity in the 21st century is a bunch of men desperate for their old man's, like, approval that aren't going to. It's not going to come. And then what do we have to do? We have to go do the next right thing and begin to say, okay, where do I find value and worth? And it comes from the inside out. I'm a good man because I do the next right thing. When a picture of your future wife, your. Your fiance pops in your head of her with some other guy you went to high school with, you have a choice in that moment. Am I going to meditate on this? Am I just going to focus it? Am I going to be that little boy at the front of the driveway just thinking about it? Nope. Nope. I'm going to have a picture in my mind all ready to go. And when that picture zaps in my mind of her holding hands with somebody, I'm going to go, nope. And I'm going to think of that picture. I might even carry one in my back pocket just to pull it out of you and her laughing, smiling. She made you sit through one of those stupid photo like things you'll have to do. Yeah, put one of those in your back pocket. Put that One on your phone. So you pull. Yeah. I'm going to focus on this. And here's what my promise to you is, brother. If you will do that, if you will set a dedicated time from the. From 4:30 to 5:30pm every day. That's when I look at cars. And I'm going to feel itchy and awkward the other 23 hours because I'm going to choose to get off this drug. And the drug is something out there will make me feel better in here. Here's my promise to you. Over time, your default setting will begin to shift. That itch will go away, and then you'll have to stand in the awkwardness of I don't know how to be a husband, because the guy that was supposed to model that for me bailed. So, new wife, I'm gonna screw this up. And I need you to continue to come back to the table to me and remind me that you love me. And then I'm gonna say I'm sorry. I'm gonna go do the next right thing.

[David]

That's powerful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying? And I know no therapist told you this, and I'm sorry. They just want to sit here and listen and tell you all the old stories. There is a path out of this, brother. And it. I'm happy there is not fun, because you're gonna feel itchy a lot. Especially for the first six months, right when you're about to apply for a new job. Just don't. Just don't ask yourself what would make me the best damn employee at this place where I work right now? Go do that for six months. It will change you from the inside out.

[David]

Roger that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Fair.

[David]

That's fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's not like I don't have any experience with this.

[David]

No? No. I mean, yeah, my therapist was great, but, you know, it was just a lot of listening. I did want. You know, I did want a good talking to. And I do appreciate it, Doctor.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I haven't been as proud of a young man as I am of you right now.

[David]

Thank you, Doc.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thank you for the call, my brother. I'm grateful for you. Hey, hang on the line. I'm gonna hook you up with some. Some wedding gifts, okay? I'm gonna hook you up with both of my books. I'm gonna hook you up with Financial Peace University so you. You and your wife could start and get your money right as you get out of the gate, because that's. Most couples just fall apart because of money issues. I want you to get on the same page with your money, and I'm going to send you every dollar, the premium version, for free for a year. Okay? That way you'll have the same app, and y' all could do your money together. When y' all get that squared away, it's going to force y' all to have conversations about who we want to be together. Let's go help you out.

[Tony]

Cool, cool, cool, man.

[David]

Thank you. Thank you so much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, man. Thanks, Tony. Appreciate you, brother. Appreciate you. This show is sponsored by Better Health. Hey. While the world seems like it's falling apart, we're all under pressure to perform and look like we're keeping it all together. We all know that support is good, but many of us don't think we're allowed to ask for it. Women are often told that they have to be everything to everyone all of the time, and somehow they intuitively have to know how to do it all. While men are often told that they are the reason for every bad thing in the world and that asking for help means they are weak or less than. Listen to this. 76% of people across the globe believe that mental health care can help resolve personal problems. Yet 6 out of 10 still believe that society discourages people from asking for help. Real strength comes from opening up about what you're carrying and doing something about it so you can be your best self for you and for everyone else in your life. If you're feeling the weight of the world, talk to someone. Anyone. A friend, a loved one, or, yes, a therapist. I talk with a therapist often, and you might consider doing it, too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at Better Help. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time easily and for no extra cost. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, we're back. We have a money and marriage question about sex. All right, here's a money marriage question, by the way. Money marriage question. Me and my friend Rachel Cruz do a weekend marriage retreat in Nashville twice a year, and it's always packed. There's always a couple thousand people in there. Ah, that's probably too much. Just it's six or seven hundred Couples that come together, plus all the people who are working the event, but they come and spend a weekend together. And it's intense. But there's a anonymous question box that just gets loaded up. And so what I decided to do is start answering some of those questions on this show. So. Because I don't get to every single one of them in the weekend. So here's the question. We read Emily's book about female sexuality. Talking about Emily Nosky's book come as you are, which I, I, at this point I think is, it's the best book on female sexuality, but also the best educational book out there. This, this woman writes he still sees her husband, still sees our lack of sex as a you problem. How do I discuss that? I still need his help. So. Sheesh. I. What you're asking me is not a sex question. You're asking me a question of how can I tell my husband what I want and have him actually listen to me. And the only thing I can, the only advice I can give you is the old business adage, clear is kind, or to be unclear is to be unkind. And so it might be very unsexy, very, very unhollywood. But it's you getting with yourself and saying to yourself and writing this stuff down. I am unable to feel sexy when there's clothes piled up, up everywhere. I do not have space in my mind to think about sex, to think about intimacy, to think about getting busy with my partner, with my husband, when I'm carrying 50 dental, dentist appointments and doctor appointments and this yard guy's coming and I got to pay this and I got to figure out this. Oh, yeah, I'm still working full time, too. Go through a list and be very clear for yourself. And here's what you're going to find. Either you're going to find you have a ton of stuff in your mental load that you need to be very clear with him. Yes, it would be Hollywood for him to just know, you know what? She always is doing all the dentists. I don't even know where, what time our kids get out of school. I don't even know where their dentist is. I'm going to sit down and ask her about all. That'd be great. He's not going to do that because he's thinking about the end of time and the apocalypse and do you all have enough meat in the freezer? Everybody's carrying around these mental load things. Sit down and be very clear. Be very, very clear. I don't want to get too into My house. I've made a commitment not to get too deep down the rabbit hole in my house. But it was a. A revelation to me that my wife had a picture in her mind about what a good wife is. And that is a clean kitchen. I didn't know that. And so anytime I was like, oh, yeah, there was still this running loop, this running script. Yeah. But a good wife has a. And so I took it personally. Dude, we have an hour. We have two hours. Let's go on a date. Let's go out. And it's like, well, I gotta clean the kitchen. I didn't realize. I. I took that personally. It wasn't. It had nothing to do with me. And so sitting down and saying some of those stories you tell yourself, here's what I want so that I can create the space. And also, you might find you don't shower. I want you to trim up. You don't have a job, and I'm not attracted to you. You play video games all day. I don't respect you. You just come in, four beers in, and you're like, hey, let's. And I'm not attracted to that. But sitting down and writing this stuff down for you is important. Clear as kind. Not hinting like, well, you know, if I had some help around here. Not going to get that map. We need a clearer map. Is that annoying? Yes. Is that. Oh, my. He should know. Fine. But that's the path. The second thing is you have to have the courage to sit down and read it to him. And then the third thing is, is you have to live in the reality that he may say, I'm not doing that. And then the true challenges in your marriage will be revealed. It could be that you don't feel safe enough to say what you really want and really need to have taken off your plate for this other thing to have room in there. Because he won't hear you. He'll weaponize it. He'll make fun of you. And if that's the case, you'll have to go to a marriage therapist immediately and deal with that. Or it could be you're him hawing around and you haven't been super clear. Like, we read Emily's book about stop signs and. And green lights and gas pedals and brakes. We did all that. But, you know, I was kind of like, you know, I'm gonna be super clear, because clear is kind. And then I'm going to be very clear about, here's what I need to have space. Here's what I want to have in the house, help wise emotionally. And then this gives me space to exhale and then begin to think about feeling beautiful. Think about hook it up with you. Think about being intimate, all those things. So that's, that's my, that's my challenge. And if he weaponizes what you want, if he weaponizes your vulnerabilities, what you put on the table, then y' all have much, much bigger issues. Hopefully. He's like most of the men I know that when they get a road map, they're like, oh, thank God. And again, I want to reiterate this. Is that Hollywood? Nope. Is that the way it should be? No. Whatever this way it is, let's start trafficking in reality. Put that on the table. So, great, great, great question. Hopefully that answer helps. If you have some more money marriage type questions, send them on in. JohnDelaney.com ask we've got about a thousand backlog questions, but if you got a good one, drop it in there along with some cool things that are going on in your life. Because I do want to inject some positivity in the world on a regular basis and some am I the problem? Questions. Love you guys. Stay out of trouble. Don't do drugs. See you soon.