How Do I Tell My Child the Truth About Her Father?

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show — "How Do I Tell My Child the Truth About Her Father?"

Date: August 27, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)
Main Theme:
The episode centers on tough, real-life conversations about family, truth-telling, and identity. The main caller seeks advice on how and when to tell her young daughter the truth about her biological father, a man absent from her life. Subsequent calls address changing last names after marriage and coping with working motherhood when stay-at-home mothering was the dream.

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Call 1: Telling a Child About Her Biological Father

Caller: Taylor from Albuquerque, NM
Segment: 01:50–16:00

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• Taylor's Situation:

  • Her daughter (almost 8 years old) knows only her stepfather (“dad”) and is begging to piece things together.
  • The biological father disappeared shortly after birth; her current husband stepped in around age 3.
  • Taylor is anxious about when and how much truth to share.

• Dr. Delony's Approach:

  • Emphasizes the importance of not “hiding the ball,” to avoid future trust issues.
  • Advocates for honesty, tailored to the child’s developmental understanding.
  • Champions the message that “the man who’s here chose you”—reframing the father’s absence through the lens of the present, loving stepdad.

• Concepts and Phrasing:

  • Use simple, age-appropriate language: say the biological father “was sick” (mentally/emotionally unwell), not “a bad person.”
  • Anchor the explanation in love: “This dad chose you” as a meangingful lifeline (05:08–05:32), reinforcing identity and belonging.
  • Avoid details/negative labels until older, more nuanced conversations (teens).
  • Create a memorable, intentional setting for the conversation—make it special, unique, and signal its importance (09:50–11:02).

• Advice on Logistics:

  • Initially, have the conversation one-on-one with the child, then involve stepdad (“dad”) later as she’s ready.
  • Be prepared for complex emotional reactions—anger, sadness, or apparent indifference.
  • Maintain ongoing opportunities for honest questions—let the child lead the pace.

Notable Quotes:

• “What we don’t want to do...is have her ask, ‘And what else has my mom not told me?’” (03:18, John)
• “Nobody in their right mind leaves their daughter.” (05:48, John)
• “Your amazing daddy showed up—and he chose you.” (05:08, John)
• “I have a real big grown-up talk I need to have with you.” (09:44, John)
• “Refuse to say awful, mean things about her dad...just say, ‘he wasn’t well.’” (16:04, John)

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Call 2: Should I Change My Last Name After Marriage?

Caller: DJ from Atlantic, IA
Segment: 19:10–31:30

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• DJ’s Situation:

  • Recently engaged, conflicted about taking her fiancé’s last name.
  • Strong personal and family identity wrapped up in her surname, especially having a close bond with her father and brothers with a shared military background.
  • Partner is open to hyphenation but wishes to keep his own last name.

• Dr. Delony’s Approach:

  • Validates the grief and realness of “losing” a family name as a rite of passage.
  • Encourages reframing: not “losing” a family, but creating a new family together—“You’re gaining one, not losing one.” (23:37)
  • Stresses that the most important thing is mutual understanding and agreement within the couple, not outside expectations.
  • Warns against divided loyalty—emphasizes the marital shift where the spouse becomes priority rather than the family of origin.

Notable Quotes:

• “The greatest way you can honor your father's new legacy is to continue it, by not losing your dad, but by gaining an incredible new member to this family…” (23:05, John)
• “If you’re going to marry him, he deserves all of you the same way you deserve all of him so that y’all two can create a new one.” (29:08, John)
• “You’re losing [the name], but two are becoming one—and that’s not a bad thing.” (26:06, John)

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Call 3: Working Mom Grieving Not Staying Home

Caller: Sarah from Indianapolis, IN
Segment: 32:12–44:55

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• Sarah’s Situation:

  • New mom (10-month-old baby), has always wanted to be a stay-at-home mother but currently works due to insurance/financial needs.
  • Struggles with guilt, feeling “trapped,” and fears ending up resentful or consumed by regret.

• Dr. Delony’s Approach:

  • Validates the “American woman's industrial guilt complex”—there is cultural guilt whether at home or at work (35:50).
  • Stresses the importance of intentionally generating options and not defaulting to “we can’t/never/have to”—challenge the absolutes and make a list of crazy alternatives.
  • Encourages open, honest spousal communication; don't silently suffer.
  • Preference is for intentional, temporary financial discomfort over long-term regret and resentment.
  • Highlights that husbands, too, would rather be married to fulfilled spouses, even if it means less money, and that children benefit from emotionally regulated mothers.

• Explores emotional family-of-origin baggage:

  • Asks if Sarah was “trapped” or had to care for others as a child, and how these patterns repeat into adulthood.
  • Concludes with advice to work through options as a team and allow her husband to “step up and be the husband he desperately wants to be.”

Notable Quotes:

• “You are now officially a card-carrying member of the American woman’s industrial guilt complex.” (35:49, John)
• “Choose guilt over resentment, starting today.” (41:29, John)
• “I promise you, your kid...will do better over time if she has a mother who is regulated in her own skin.” (36:32, John)
• “Let him step up and be the husband that he sounds like he wants so desperately to be for you.” (44:48, John)

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Lightning Round: Rifts Over Haircuts and Petty Family Feuds

Segment: 48:00–50:45

• Listener Email:
  • Caller’s in-laws gave her boys bad buzz cuts without permission. She wonders if cutting ties is petty.
  • Dr. Delony and Kelly agree the true issue isn’t the haircut, but a history of disregard. Mom is not the problem given family context.

Notable Quotes:

• “The fact that your husband is like, bye and good riddance? That tells me most of what I need to know.” (49:32, John)
• “You don’t fix buzz cuts in a salon, come on now.” (50:14, John)

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Memorable Moments

• Intentionality in Tough Talks:
  • The host shares a personal story (“we’re going to have a grown up talk in the back of my truck”) to illustrate how setting matters for big conversations with kids.
    (09:50–11:02)
• Avoiding Intergenerational Shame:
  • Repeatedly emphasizes the need to avoid casting judgment on absent parents to protect the child’s sense of identity.
• Directness Coupled with Empathy:
  • “Refuse to say mean things about her dad...just say ‘he wasn’t well.’” (16:04, John)

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Episode Atmosphere & Tone

The episode is marked by warmth, validation, and gentle but firm directness. Dr. Delony uses story, humor, and candidness to create an environment where vulnerability is met with practical wisdom. Callers leave with both emotional support and concrete recommendations.

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Useful Timestamps

| Time | Segment/Highlight | |--------|----------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:50 | Taylor’s loaded question: “When should I tell my daughter about her biological father?” | | 05:08 | The power of “chosen family”—stepdad’s ongoing role and message | | 09:50 | Making tough talks special and memorable for kids | | 13:09 | Language to use (“he was sick”) and planning for future, deeper conversations| | 19:10 | DJ’s story: Name-change dread and honoring her family legacy | | 23:37 | “You’re gaining one, not losing one”—marriage family reframing | | 35:49 | The “American woman’s industrial guilt complex”—Sarah’s working mom dilemma | | 41:29 | “Choose guilt over resentment, starting today.” | | 48:00 | Am I the problem? (grandparents-induced family rift) |

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For anyone navigating family revelations, marriage transitions, or parenting with guilt and regret, this episode gives honest strategies for having hard conversations while keeping love, dignity, and identity at the center.

Transcript

[A]

Big news. New dates for money and marriage Getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day Weekend 2026. Get [e-mail] events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee.

[B]

When should I tell my daughter about her biological father? She is starting to ask questions and piece things together and I don't know where to go from here.

[A]

So how old is she now?

[B]

She almost eight.

[A]

Yeah, probably a couple of years ago. We don't also want her asking. And what else has my mom not told me what's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. Taking your calls from all over the planet about your marriages, your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. If you want to be on this show, go to johndelony.com Ask A S K and honestly that's the only way to get through to the show. I don't answer direct messages when it comes. I do answer dms but not, not show related stuff and that's the way to get on. John deloney.com/a S K. Love to have you on the show. Hey, quick shout out Andrew Block, the bearded wonder back here. A lot of us showed up to surprise your new fiance the other night. You pulled off an incredible surprise engagement. So congratulations, dude. And she said yes. We were all stunned, but she did and we weren't surprised at all. It's awesome. Congratulations man. That's very cool. All right, let's roll out to Albuquerque, New Mexico, one of my favorite places in the world. What's up, Taylor?

[B]

Hi, how are you?

[A]

I'm doing great. How are you?

[B]

I'm doing well, thank you.

[A]

Awesome. What's up?

[B]

So my question today, I was wondering when should I tell my daughter about her biological father?

[A]

Tell me the story.

[B]

So about eight, eight, nine years ago, I met my daughter's biological dad. Everything was fine in the beginning, as it always is. Fast forward. We had a child and then he completely disappeared. So then fast forward three more years and my now husband comes into our lives and she has known him as dad ever since. But she is starting to ask questions and piece things together and I don't, I don't know where to go from here.

[A]

So how old is she now?

[B]

She is almost eight.

[A]

Yeah. Probably a couple of years ago.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. So, so the, the, let's, let's, let's reverse engineer this in a way that, that an 8 year old could, could absorb it. Right. Or metabolize it. Number one, her understanding will be different than yours because she's eight. Right. And you also have the hurt associated with that relationship and the abandonment and the fear being a single mom, all that stuff. She doesn't have any of that. This is just her life. This is her lived experience. All she knows. Right, right. What we don't want to do, because there's gonna be some heartache as she gets older and she begins to ask herself, what was so bad about me that my dad left? We don't also want her asking. And what else has my mom not told me?

[B]

Right. And that is my worry. Yes.

[A]

And that's a very real worry that I would, if I were you, I would let that guide the importance of just being honest. Moving. Have y' all talked about sex yet or how body parts work or why she has her body parts and that kind of stuff?

[B]

Yeah, we've talked. Not sex, but we've talked about body parts, the appropriate names, what. You know, all of that. Yes.

[A]

Okay. Would she. If you sat down and said, how does. How does a baby get inside mommy's tummy? Would she know mechanically how that works?

[B]

No, no, she wouldn't know that.

[A]

Okay. If she did, that's often a good place to start. But she's gonna know dad. Dad. Right. And so, yeah, she's gonna know her lived experience with the man who has shown up in her life, but she is gonna need to know sooner rather than later that, yes, her part of her was from another guy. So Mommy was. Mommy made a baby with another man, and he was sick. What? Yeah, he was not doing good, and he left. Why did he leave? He was really struggling and going through some hard stuff. And honestly, I'll never know. And you can tell her that made me really sad. And I know that. That someday that's going to make you really sad. And then your amazing daddy showed up, and he chose you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's going to be the lifeline for the next 18 years of her life. That in those dark moments of, why did my bio dad leave? This guy chose you. And so if he doesn't already, that needs to be part of his regular cadence. You are beautiful. You are smart. I love you. And I'm so glad that I chose to be. I. I get to be your dad.

[B]

Yeah. He is that 100, thankfully.

[A]

Awesome. Amazing, awesome, awesome, amazing. And what we're going to try to do is give her some sort of tether, some sort of anchors. So when the reality of. Of all this begins to wash over her, it's always going to be dad, your bio dad, your father if you will, was sick, he was struggling because nobody in the right mind leaves their daughter.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

And so give me an example of some of the questions she's asking.

[B]

So I also. She has a brother who has a different dad who is, she is aware of his other dad. You know what I mean?

[A]

But so you have two kids by two different dads.

[B]

I do.

[A]

Okay. That's actually, I don't say awesome, but that makes this conversation much easier. Right?

[B]

Yeah. So you can say maybe, I don't know.

[A]

You know how little brother has, has his bio dad. You have that too. Where is he? Yeah, he was really not doing good. So he was sick. And sick is a word that an 8 year old can wrap her head around.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And in her mind it's going to be a sick tummy, it's going to be whatever. And you can say he was sick in his, in his mind. He had owies in his head. And owie's is probably too young for an eight year old, right?

[B]

Going on 18.

[A]

Yeah. Eight year olds are really savvy.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And very, very smart. And so that's where I would start in the fact that you, she has a, a mental picture, a model in her mind of stepdad is taking care of little brother and loves him and hopefully he's saying the same things. You are a handsome little boy and I love you and I'm so glad that I got to choose you. I chose you out of all the kids in the world, I chose you. That he's doing that too. Then she's got a model of, we need to have this conversation about your other dad, about your father, if you will, not your other dad, but your father. And.

[B]

Yeah, and I guess it was good.

[A]

Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

[B]

I was just going to say, I guess it, I, I guess I didn't plant the seed well enough when she was younger because I don't know, I guess that would have been a really good outlet for me at that time. Like, yes, your brother has a different dad and so do you. And then now your dad, now, you know, my husband now is your stepdad. But like at that age, when she was 3, going on a 4, like, she always just called him dad and like that's what she always knew. So I never like planted that seed when she was younger. And I think that's where I'm at now. I'm like, oh, shoot, you know, I maybe should have.

[A]

Well, and honestly, my daughter's nine and I'm, I am daily, literally daily. My wife's out of town. She's in Texas taking care of some family who lost their home in, in all this flooding mess. It's, it's just been me and my daughter for a while now. And my son's out. He's been at, at another camp in New Mexico. It's just been me and my daughter. And I am daily astounded by how insightful she is. And I know this, I know child development. I've worked with young kid, like, and I. And I'm like, oh, she picks up everything. And not only does she pick it up, she wraps what she picks up in a story that is homespun, that is often nowhere near the truth, but it makes sense when she says it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I'm saying? B.L. my mind, she, she asked my wife a few weeks ago because she's, she reads all the time and she's burning through all the Judy Bloom books and the Harry Potter book, everything, but she has put together that when parents get divorced, dads get apartments. And she jokingly said last, last night we were having pizza together, I took her out for pizza. And she, she jokingly said, dad, have you thought mom might just be getting tired of you? And she started laughing. But even she, like, the wheels are already turning, like, oh, what if, what would happen if this was our life? Right? And so I called my wife and I'm like, are you getting tired of me? And my wife's laughing. She's like, but all I have to say is I would start with my 8 year old. I have a real big grown up talk I need to have with you. So can I give you a totally unrelated example about how I did this once in my life?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

One day when my son and I don't remember how young he was, he was much younger than eight. But. And I made this cheesy. And this is not generalizable to every situation, but I want you to like the intentionality. He said something along the lines of. And maybe he was 4 or 5. I don't remember how old he was, but he said, I'm asking for this stuff from Santa, and if I don't get it from Santa, I'm gonna ask God because he'll give it to me. And I was like, oh, you're starting to conflate the two. And so literally what I did was I said, hey, I need to have a grown up conversation with you. And it's gonna be hard. And so we're gonna go do it in a place where dudes have hard conversations. And he looked at me and he goes, where? And I said, we're gonna go sit in the back of my truck in the driveway. And so we climbed up in the back of the truck and sat down and, and I was being ridiculous obviously, but I created a special location and a special space and it was somewhere that we don't normally go. So he knew this is going to be a different kind of conversation and he was so honored by the intentionality around the specialness of it all. So I don't know if that's a park bench for y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

I don't know if it is a. Probably wouldn't do a diner and I always tell people to go to breakfast, but I probably wouldn't do that with an 8 year old because there's so much going on. But we're gonna go on a special place because I need to have a grown up conversation. And I think you tell her, when you were really young, I didn't have this conversation and I should have had this conversation with you earlier. And it's really big. And even if you say mommy's sorry that I should have had this earlier, should have said this earlier. And you know like, how little brother has a different daddy, so do you. And she might have a million questions and what you have to commit to is telling the truth.

[B]

That was one of my questions. Yeah, I, I feel like yes, I know the truth is very important. But also like when she gets older, is it important for her if, if she ever wanted to, to like build her own impression of him? Because like I don't want to tell her the truth and then she builds her own impression off of that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How much of the truth do I tell?

[A]

You know, like there's a hundred percent chance, especially in the world we live in now with technology and social media and well, 23andMe just went under. But, but all that, like all the genetic stuff, there's a hundred percent chance she will have a, an interaction with him at some point or she will seek one.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And so you don't want to have this conversation. Your dad sucked or he was a bum and he, or words like he left us because she will know half of me is him and if he's bad, half of me is bad. That's why we're gonna say he was sick. Everybody gets sick. And you can say, I don't know if you've had a, if you ever like had knee surgery or had a broken foot or you had a tummy ache or whatever, you could say Remember that time I got sick or I hur knee. His hurt was in his mind and it was so big that he just had to go.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm going to use intentional words when she's eight. Like he had to. He wasn't. Okay. He was sick. Because I'm not going to use words like he chose to. When she's 12, 13, then we're going to have that harder conversation and you've got to buckle up because that's a, That's a nightmare for a kid.

[B]

Yeah. I could only imagine. Yes.

[A]

But. But what she will also have is by that point, seven, eight, nine years of every single day, the man who has chosen to become her dad. And I would steer clear of words like stepdad right now.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah. We don't use them. I only use them to, like adults, not around her. You know, just so they get the idea.

[A]

Well, and I don't even know if you need to do that. You don't need to be disclosing your whole. Because there's something. There's a part of you. My guess is that you have some shame about. I got two different kids by two different dads and I'm married to a third guy. And you.

[B]

I should, but I don't.

[A]

Okay. I'm not saying shame. I'm not saying like.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I know. I get the stigma, I guess, but I, I don't.

[A]

Good. Good. And I don't want you leading into social situations like having. Trying to explain it all. This is their dad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And if they want to dig in and they're close enough relationally with you that you feel like they're safe enough that you can tell like the full story. Awesome. But I would, I would refer to him as dad everywhere.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And because he's. He's awesome. He's chosen to be that. But he plays a very important role in her health and well being going forward.

[B]

Yeah. And do you think I should have the conversation with her, just her and I, or with him as well?

[A]

I would have it just y' all two first.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then possibly plan something special with him. And Understand that your 8 year old may say, I don't want to. I don't want to talk to him. Or she may. And any feelings she has are going to come out heavy all over the place. And it might come out in, you're not my dad. I don't like you, all that stuff. And that's where you and your husband have to be really tethered, that your 8 year old's feelings are not going to dictate anger responses. Emotional responses like she's her, her feelings are going to be really big.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Right. Or she might go, okay, all right, yeah, cool. But that doesn't mean. And just even if she plays it totally cool, that doesn't mean that it didn't impact her in a major way.

[B]

Right? Yeah.

[A]

Yes. Soon as possible have that and tell her we're going to have a grownup conversation. And this is a really hard one cuz mommy didn't do this one. Right. And so mommy's going to. Mommy's going to have to tell you the truth about some stuff and we're going to have a special conversation and she will anchor into that. She'll remember that conversation as long ago as it was. My son remembers the back of the truck conversation. And obviously telling my son Santa is not real is different than, you know, hey, your, who you think your is, your father is not your father. But making it very special and very direct and refusing to say awful, mean things about dad and just saying he was, he wasn't well, he was not well is the right way to go. But thank you so much for the call. It's game on, dude. Let's make this happen ASAP and then buckle up. It's going to be a tough ride as she tries to figure out who am I? And we never want her to question while she's seeking identity. Identity, by the way, every kid seeks identity. But this is going to be a unique chasing of who am I? She's never going to wonder if she's loved because we're going to make sure we are hyper intentional about making sure she is loved and seen and known in that house every single night of her life. Thank you so much for the call. We come back, a woman wrestles with changing her last name after marriage. All right, let's talk about Helix, the greatest mattress on the planet. Summer is here and everyone is all over the place. We're doing some last minute traveling. I'm already getting school supplies, emails, questions about fall work schedules and more. And right this minute, my family and I are trying to soak up those last long nights of summer before the fall chaos begins. And I'm staying up later and I'm still getting up super early and my sleep is kind of a mess. And I'm getting your emails and your calls and letters and I know that your sleep is a mess too. And when I'm not sleeping well, I'm not the best husband I should be. I get grumpy with my kids. I get grumpy with my team at work here, and everything feels harder than it should. Good sleep is the foundation of me being the father, the husband, the friend and community member that I need to be. And let's face it, all of that applies to you. That's why I sleep on a Helix mattress. Before Helix, I tried all kinds of mattresses. Some were too soft, some were too stiff. Some had this ridiculous memory foam kind of thing that felt like quicksand. Listen, Helix matched me with the perfect mattress based on how I sleep and who I sleep next to. My wife. They've even got mattress options for couples who need different feels on the same bed. It's amazing. I want you to take the Helix Sleep quiz. It takes like two minutes and they will match you with the right mattress just for you. And if you want, for you and your partner right now, my audience can save big during their Labor Day sale. And you're going to find the best offer anywhere. 27 off site wide exclusive for the listeners of the Dr. John DeLoney Show. Go to helixsleep.com DeLoney and get 27% off the entire site. That's your whole helix order. That's helixsleep.com DeLoney go there right now for amazing sleep. Helix sleep.com DeLoney with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. All right, let's go out to Atlantic, Iowa and talk to D.J. what's up, D.J?

[B]

Hi, John. How are you?

[A]

I'm great. How are you?

[B]

I am living the dream. Aren't we all just a little bit?

[A]

I've never met somebody who says I'm living the dream and that meant things are going awesome. I've never met that person.

[B]

Oh, what's up? Yeah. So me and my fiance, we got engaged a couple months ago and we're just kind of looking at it now. And I've mentioned it before where I'm very, very against changing last name.

[A]

Oh, nice. This ought to be a good one. Okay, go for it. Tell me about it.

[B]

So, yeah, I was, I've always been a tomboy and stuff like that. And growing up, I was in sports. I was referred to by my last name more than I was my first name. So one thing I told him early on was I'm more open to changing my first name than my last name. And now I'm, I'm in the military, so it is just common courtesy. Everybody calls me by my last name. It's never a first name basis. And so now I'm just imagining a world without my Last name. And it's like a grieving point. Yeah, kind of.

[A]

Yeah. Very, very real grieving point. Tell me about the man. I'm assuming it's a man. Tell me about the man who gave you that last name.

[B]

He's like everything to me, I guess would be the best way to say.

[A]

There we go. Tell me about hero. Tell me about him.

[B]

He had, like, a really, really hard childhood that when I did hear about it, I think I was maybe like 12 when I officially heard the full story. It was very out of the ordinary and just seeing how he came from. He has every right to be the worst person possible in my mind. But he chose to be like a Christian father and completely turned his life around. So while his brothers became addicts, he became somebody very well known in the military and an amazing father to me and all of my siblings. So.

[A]

So how much of this is you're losing your name, which is very real. And how much of this feels like you're somehow burying or dishonoring the man that literally changed his family tree by loving you? Well.

[B]

It'S definitely got a lot to do with that. I definitely can feel that. I just feel like I'm losing a piece of my family, I suppose.

[A]

Could I challenge the loss? The name is the name. We'll talk about that in a second. But instead of thinking I'm losing my dad, tell me about this guy you're going to marry. He's got a lot to live up to. And I love that the standard for you is high. I love that. I think it's. I wish every dad set the bar so high that whoever their daughter was going to marry, like, that sucker's gotta. Gotta step up real tall because the bar is high. I love that. That's your lived experience. I loved it. Tell me about this guy you're marrying.

[B]

He's just perfect.

[A]

I promise you. He's not perfect. Promise he's not perfect.

[B]

In my eyes, of course. He's just. We're complete opposites from each other, so we really just balance each other out the way we can communicate. I think it's the healthiest I've ever communicated with pretty much anybody. And it's been honesty. Like, we've had our ups and downs. We've been together five years. You just. He's checked all the boxes throughout the years. He was there when I was going through really hard times. I was there when he was going through really hard times. And he did the right things at the right times. And God has always been the center in Our relationship. And that's definitely been a priority since day one.

[A]

So you've told me a lot. You've used very military descriptors. And so let me replay what I just heard. He's very loyal. He shows up. He does the next right thing. When things get chaotic, he goes in. Do you love this man and want to spend the rest of your life with him?

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Do you want to build a new world with him?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. Awesome. That's what I. That. That's perfect. And I know that can be a little bit mushy for a military kid to say, but you're getting married to him, so it's okay to be a little bit gross. So here's the thing. I would love for you to imagine or reframe, if you will. The greatest way you can honor your father's new legacy is to continue it by not losing your dad, but by gaining an incredible new member to this family unit that operates different than anybody in that family line has ever operated before. Like, you're gaining one, you're not losing one. And you're right to grieve the fact that when you get married, your dad is no longer your priority. And your dad, he gets maybe a second vote, depending on what family you're in or third vote. But you are opting to give husband vote number one. And if that's scary or that's uncomfortable, that just means your dad was awesome and. And it's up to you to go begin to reprioritize the men in your life in that way. Otherwise, I would tell you, don't marry this guy because it's unfair to him. You bring him in and you're like, okay, we're going to do what my dad says.

[B]

Definitely not.

[A]

You're like, no, we're all good on that.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm too stubborn for that.

[A]

Good, good, good. So tell me. About what? When you talk about your name. Because you're not losing just your last name. You're losing. You're losing like an. I'm trying to think of the right word. Homage. Is that the right word? It's not the right word. It's. You're losing this. This honorable name that you have a picture of, and that's your dad. But you're also losing your first name, too, right?

[B]

Not changing my first name. That was.

[A]

No, no, I know, but. But, like, everybody calls you by your last name. Everyone has called me Deloney. Yes, I know that when somebody calls me John, they either know me or I'm in trouble. Nobody calls Me that. My bosses don't call me that. My. Nobody calls me that. Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so you're losing your first name, too, in a way. Right.

[B]

Feels like I'm turning into a completely different person.

[A]

And when you get married, you are. And that's not a bad thing. It should be a scary thing, but it's not a bad thing. Two are becoming one.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Right. So when you tell this guy you're going to marry that you're apprehensive about changing your last name, what does he say?

[B]

At first, it kind of took him off by surprise. And then we talked about it again, and he said, well, we can hyphenate our last names. That way you can still have it and you can keep it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

He's very open to talking about it, which I really appreciate. And then he lays down the boundary that he's not giving up his last name, which I also. I completely agree with him on that, too, which is weird.

[A]

Sure. So here's. Here's. There's. We live in a. Just a sliver of history when there's a million different thing ways, and there's gonna be a million different opinions. Right. I have a. A couple who lives on my street. They're great friends. They're both really famous, and they got famous before they got married. And so, like, her public name is what it has always been, but on their marriage certificate, she took his last name. I have other friends. It's mostly been my academic friends who got their PhD in with their unmarried name. And it would create professional confusion to go back and change all the citations and all the papers and all. And so they have hyphenated it. And then there's some of the most gangster, tough, strong, feminist women I know who have gone in and said, I don't like this, but this is what I kind of want to do. And they changed their last name. So I guess the most important thing I want you to hear me say is y' all two agreeing on it. I think right now is the most important thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I've asked a bunch of questions around it. Simply, I don't want you to get caught up in the naming of all of this. I want you to make sure that you are entering into a marriage knowing my dad's vote is I am intentionally moving my father's vote in my life, my brother's votes down in my life, because it's going to be me and this guy. Ride or die. You just gave me a big pause. Tell me about that.

[B]

All of my. Well, not all of them. I have two other brothers. They're also military. And my father and my brothers, we've all kind of like military trauma bonded, I guess.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

And so just reframing that feels like a huge step. That's going to take a lot of work.

[A]

It is, it is. But I'm going to tell you, don't marry somebody if you're not willing to put both feet in your in that boat. Because if you marry him and you just put one arm in this new marriage and you have one foot in one brother's boat, one hand in another brother's boat, and another foot in your dad's boat, your new marriage will sink because your husband will have married you and three other dudes. Right? And so if you're going to marry him, he deserves all of you the same way you deserve all of him so that y' all two can create a new one. Man. It's been a high, high honor getting to talk to you, dj. Thank you for the call. You call me anytime, and I will. As a gift. I don't know when y' all getting married, if y' all are married in time. I'm going to give you and your fiance, if he becomes your new husband, tickets to one of the money and marriage events either in November or Valentine's Day weekend as my gift. But you got to go through with it. And quite honestly, I won't care what yalls last names are when you all show up for the conference. So hang on the line here and we'll get you hooked up. I don't know when your wedding is. If it's in five years, then we'll just put a. We'll put a. A rain check out there. But if y' all get married soon, I'd love to have y' all as my guest at the money and marriage event. You're awesome, dj. All right, we come back. A woman is struggling with always wanting to be a stay at home mom. This show is sponsored by Better Help. These days, it feels like there is advice for everything health related. Cold plunges, gratitude journals, screen detoxes. But how do you know if this stuff actually works for you? When I first started this show, I had a morning routine that was clinically insane. Every second of every minute was scripted and prescribed. And I realized I was doing all the health things right. But my life was increasingly out of control with the Internet leading to information overload about mental health and wellness. I personally know that it can be a struggle to know what's legitimate and what you should actually do during the day. Here's the truth. Using trusted resources and talking to a live stream therapist, a real person can get you personalized recommendations and help you break through the noise. If you're thinking about trying therapy, I want you to contact my friends at Better Help. Better help is 100% online therapy, which means it's convenient and affordable and it's easy to get started. Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And as the largest online therapy provider in the world, Better Help can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Better Help has an app store rating of 4.9 out of 5 stars based on a over 1.7 million client reviews. Stop the wellness paralysis and call my friends at better help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. H lp.com DeLoney all right, Indianapolis, Indiana. Let's talk to Sarah. What's up, Sarah?

[B]

Hey, how are you?

[A]

What's up? I'm doing great. You?

[B]

Hi. I'm nervous, but. Good.

[A]

I'm nervous too. I'm nervous too. What's up?

[B]

Okay, so my question is, how do I cope with being a working mom when I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom?

[A]

Tell me, tell me about your dream to be a stay at home mom.

[B]

So, I mean, it's just, it's what I've always wanted, like growing up whenever other kids are, oh, I want to be a doctor, I want to be a lawyer. Just being a wife and mother has always been what I've wanted to do. I always just kind of expected that to happen for me. And so now that it hasn't, I'm struggling with it.

[A]

So. Do you have kids?

[B]

Yes, I have a 10 month old.

[A]

A 10 month old? Oh no. Have you already gone back to work?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Oh man. It's horrible that, yeah, the, the number of like absolute amazing executives and professional women I've worked with over the years who come back to work after having their first kid or their second kid and they're six, six months to a year in and they're just dying inside. I can't tell you how many I've talked to. And I'm be honest, some of it has surprised me. Right? Like I've been shocked because before they had their kid, they're like, I'm never, I can't wait to get back here. And then it's like, yeah, I quit. This is stupid. You know what I mean?

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

So tell Me why you're not staying at home.

[B]

So my job is the one that provides our health insurance. My husband has like a very good job, but it just doesn't have that benefit. But he kind of fell into it and makes a lot more money than he probably should doing it. And so moving to a different job for, like, insurance benefits isn't much of an option. And then just paying them for him outright is crazy expensive.

[A]

Yeah. Huh. So if you've listened to this show for a while, you know, one of the things I always challenge married couples on anybody, but especially married couples, is this. When you feel like there is only an either or option, I want you to put five crazy options on the table and seriously, take pen to paper or keyboard to excel and explore the realities of those other options. Because I feel like you and your husband have possibly trapped yourselves in absolutes. I have to. We can't. This would never work. Can't, never have to. Those are all absolute words that bury people and they're words rooted in fear. Sometimes they're rooted in math. Right. If you told me, hey, we. I have a nurse practitioner degree and I owe $95,000 in student loans and my husband owes 50. Like, y' all have a math problem that y' all backed yourself into before you had a kid. So that's just a reality to that. If you're saying, no, we have enough money, we would have to go do something different or my husband would have to get trained in something else and we'd have to take a pay cut for a while until, like, those are all options that you can explore. What I will tell you is, and I'm going to say this, and it's going to sound like I'm. I hate to even say this. Can I just call out, you are now officially a card carrying member of the American woman's industrial guilt complex.

[B]

That sounds accurate.

[A]

If you stay at home, you're feeling guilty about your family, and if you are working, you're feeling guilty about being a bad mom. And if you talk to your husband about maybe getting another job, you feel like a bad. Like there you're. You are in a situation where emotionally, right this second, you can't win. Okay? So knowing that we are not going to feel good right this second about any of our next move, we can then start being honest about what would the next right move be. You get what I'm saying?

[B]

I do.

[A]

Okay. So I'm telling you all that as a preface to, I'm going to tell you something and you have to promise me I won't get off the phone and spiral out.

[B]

Okay, Okay, I promise.

[A]

By the way, you can spiral out if you want to. I do it on a weekly basis. Right. I promise you, two years from now, five years from now, your husband would rather be married to somebody who loves the life she is co creating with him, even if that means less money. I promise you, your kid, your 10 month old will do better over time. If she has a mother who is regulated in her own skin, meaning every minute she wakes up in the morning, she's not already having to reapply makeup because she's tearing up thinking about dropping her kid off at a daycare center. And so knowing that I'd rather you have a season of we don't have very much money, we are broke, we are struggling, we are grinding it out, husband's taking a second job, whatever. You're working part time. Whatever we have to do to make this next season. Because it's just winter, right? Spring will come, but right now it's winter. We got to bundle up. It's annoying, it's hard. I would rather y' all explore the realities of those things than you wake up in three or four years and just hate your life. And for all the moms who always wanted to be stay at home moms and they just have a 10 month old and they're going stone mad, then I would tell you, consider the other alternative. Right. So this isn't just for moms who are working, who want to stay home. It works the other way too. But it's so easy to get trapped in those can'ts nevers have to's that I want you to be honest about exploring other alternatives even if they're really uncomfortable for the next six months or next year. So how does that all hit you?

[B]

Just the idea of it like the idea of in a few years like absolutely hating my life is terrifying. But then also like having to change so much and take that pay cut and have to. Because right now we don't really worry about money too much. But then kind of having that worry also stresses me out. So it's. It's just a lot.

[A]

Yeah, it's a lot. It is. Can we dig into the word worry? Is it worry or is it be intentional?

[B]

I'd say it's more worry because I mean, growing up my parents were always stressed out about money and I don't want that for my son.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And yeah, I don't want him to have to see us with that stress either.

[A]

Okay. When I say worry versus intentional. Is it worry like we will not have enough money to pay our bills, or is it intentional like, this is going to be super annoying because we're gonna have to watch the budget very, very closely for 24 months.

[B]

With that, I'd say it's more intentional.

[A]

Okay. And I would tell you often intentionality is the right next move for almost all of us in almost every situation. It is very annoying that I have to get up to exercise for me to feel good like a whole person. I hate it. Like, I would much rather just wake up really late and run out the door and go to work. But that intentionality saves my marriage, it saves my relationship with my kids, it saves my employment, it saves my life. So that intentionality, that frustration gives me the life that I want to live. So what does your husband do?

[B]

He is a video editor.

[A]

Okay. And you say he just stumbled into that. What does that mean?

[B]

So he, without too much detail, he had a pretty popular YouTube channel actually, for a little while.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And his employer found him through that and just offered him a job straight through that. Whereas normally he'd need to have the degree and apply and all that, but they just found him.

[A]

Okay, so what you're telling me is he won the lottery one time playing the YouTube game. And I say won the lottery, tongue in cheek. He must have been very good at what he was doing because that's a very hard place to be successful. And I know because I live in it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And then he was so good at what he did, somebody came after him and found him and made him such an offer that he shut that one down and went to do something else. Right?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

What that tells me is you, you are married to a very talented, very hard working, very savvy man. Is that fair?

[B]

Yes, I am.

[A]

Okay, so to say this is our only shot is not honest.

[B]

Yeah. It's also just guilt because, I mean, he's also told me because he wants this for me as well, and he's told me he'll do anything to make it happen. But then it's the guilt of I don't want to make him get a second job or leave his job.

[A]

And I want to tell you, choose guilt over resentment, starting today. Because as I told you earlier, you're going to feel guilty about every move that you make or every move that you don't make. If you have a man who's saying, I want to be the guy who gives my wife and my young son the life they want, then that is the life he wants. Do you get what I'm saying?

[B]

Yeah, I do.

[A]

And by the way, like, if my wife came home tomorrow and said, we have to be done with this, Kelly just looked up and she's like, please don't quit. But like, if she, my wife came home and said we have to be done with this, it's too much, it's too big. It's just, I can't handle it anymore. There's not a question in my mind that I wouldn't opt out of this thing. It might be us being real and saying it's going to take us six months, it's going to take us a year, it's going to take us. I got to figure out what comes in next. I got to start reapplying, like all that. There would be some logistics to it and I'd be frustrated, I'd be annoyed because I love what I do and that doesn't mean that it wouldn't be the right thing to do. But what I would tell you as a husband, if my wife is silently suffering and not telling me and trying to, I mean, slowly burning like an old cigarette with ash of resentment, I would, I would be really frustrated because that would lack integrity. Because we both said we're both all in. That meant we're going to be honest with each other, we're going to do the next right thing for each other and we are going to build a life together that we both want. And so just know if you keep going to work and it's breaking your heart every morning and it just feels in your guts this is wrong, you're going to feel guilty about that. And if your husband says, I'm, I'll quit this job today for you and the kids and we're going to have 24 months and we're not going to make very much money and you're gonna have to be really savvy about where we get groceries from for a while and we're gonna have to get non cage free eggs or we have to eat eggs from chickens in cages for a year. Like, I don't know what y' all do, but like, then you're gonna feel guilty about that and if you don't change anything, you're gonna feel guilty about that. Like there's not a path that you can take right now where you're not gonna have some sense of frustration. And so let's then go do the next right thing. And I'll tell you on behalf of husbands, man, you sounds like you married a great One, sit down and have an honest conversation about, okay, what would a transition actually look like? And just be honest about, okay, we've said we can't do this and we can't do that. Let's put five options on the table and really imagine. What would that look like? It might mean we have to move. It might mean he has to go back to school. It might mean any number of things. It might mean that he sits down with his employer and says, hey, if you really want me, I gotta get some health insurance, I'll split it with you. I don't, I don't know. I'm just making stuff up. But through your silence, I'm hearing a woman who feels trapped.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Were you trapped growing up?

[B]

I mean? Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, kinda.

[A]

Was it your job to make sure everybody was okay growing up?

[B]

Yeah. I had a sibling that was a lot younger than me, and he was kind of my responsibility.

[A]

Okay. What I would ask for you on behalf of your husband who's not on the phone here. I would ask that you not take that into this new marriage, that you have this new role as a mother. You have this new world y' all are co creating in real time. Tonight, I want y' all to sit down and say, okay, let's imagine he puts three on the table and you put three ideas on the table and they're all nuts. Let's go through each one of them. All right, what if we moved? What if I just took this other job or I've actually secretly been applying for? Or what would it look like in six months, come Christmas, that we're in a different place? Maybe we have to sell our house in rent. Maybe we have to, like, fill in the blank. But let today be the day that you sit down and say, honestly, I, I, I don't want this to be my future. And I want us to begin building an off ramp here so we can get into and go a new direction in our, in our marriage. Let him step up and be the husband that he sounds like he wants so desperately to be for you. Pretty awesome. Thank you for the call, Sarah, and congratulations on having an amazing new son. We'll be right back. All right. Everybody talks about how important supplements are, but most of what you see on the supplement shelves in your local grocery store is garbage. Fancy labels and cool names with zero substance. I'm not playing that game. And neither are my friends at Thorne. I've been taking Thorn supplements for more than a decade. They're pure, they're clean. And I trust Thorn supplements Enough to give them to my family, including my kids. Whether you're a serious athlete or a mom on the go or a dad trying to show up at work and for his family after a long day at work, you deserve the absolute best. And that is Thorne. 35% of Thorne's employees work in quality control and they reject up to 15% of their raw materials. Because good enough isn't good enough for Thorne. It has to be world class. And it's why professional athletes, olympic teams and 60,000 doctors plus trust Thorne. And that's why I have been trusting them to stop guessing what's going into your body. Take what it needs and nothing. It doesn't go to thorne.com/you/deloney to get 25 off your order. When you create an account that's T, H o r n e.com/the letter U slash Deloney. All right, Kelly, am I the problem?

[C]

All right, so this is from Calissa in Iowa.

[A]

Was it Calista explains it all. Clarity.

[C]

That was Clarissa.

[A]

Clarissa, yeah. All right.

[B]

All right.

[A]

So this is Calissa.

[C]

Calissa.

[A]

Calissa. All right.

[C]

And she writes, my in laws were watching our three boys over the holidays. She decided that they all needed haircuts. So she, not a trained hairstylist by any means, gave them all horrible buzz cuts without my knowledge or permission. I had to take them to the salon the next day to get them all fixed.

[A]

Well, that wasn't the right solution, but keep going.

[C]

We didn't speak for the rest of the holidays and we skipped Easter with them. We haven't reached out whatsoever. Sorry. They haven't reached out whatsoever, which is highly unusual. The silence is very loud. My kids are asking when we will see them again. I'm totally content with them out of our lives, as is my husband. But is that a petty reason to cut off contact? There's only a thousand character limit here, so I don't have space to go into all the details about all the other things they have done.

[A]

That's what I knew.

[C]

Yes, this is just the straw that broke the camel's back. Am I the problem?

[A]

Problem? No, you're not. Because A, that doesn't happen in a vacuum. B, if your in laws were amazing and one day grandma got a wild hair to shave all the boys heads, y' all would have had that conversation and that would have been an oh my gosh, I blew it. I screwed up. I'm so sorry. Like y' all would have had that conversation. So clearly there's other things at play here. And you said it at the very end. So, no, you're not the problem. I don't. I don't know what's right for you and your family moving forward. The fact that your husband is like, goodbye on good riddance, that tells me mostly what I need to know, which is those are his parents, and he's done with it. And bye, Felicia. So that's what I got. What do you think, Kelly?

[C]

Oh, I agree. I mean, the thought of my mom.

[A]

Just shaving all my kids, hey, I think that'd be hilarious. And me and my wife would love that. But you can't do that, right?

[C]

And if it was just like you said, a one time thing and everybody would laugh about it. The hair grows back, that's fine. But this is clear.

[B]

Even.

[A]

Even being mad, like, hey, don't ever do that again. Like, I know, dude.

[C]

This is clearly not a one time thing.

[A]

No, no. And you don't fix buzz cuts in a salon. Come on now. Come on now. Right?

[C]

I think at that point, you just.

[A]

Have to cut it all off. Go to a barber shop, shout out, Tennessee Barber Company. What up? Just saying, shaking her head. Kelly is more of a Great Clips kind of gal.

[C]

And no chance in Haiti when I take all of this curly hair to Great clips.

[A]

Love you guys. Bye.