How Do I Tell My Family I’m an Addict?

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: How Do I Tell My Family I’m an Addict?
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)
Date: February 11, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on the deeply personal and often painful experiences of individuals navigating addiction, trauma, family disclosure, and major life transitions. The main discussion features callers seeking advice on subjects including how to tell loved ones about substance use struggles, managing guilt as a stay-at-home parent, and handling resentment during a family move. Dr. Delony offers practical strategies, validation, and emotional encouragement, blending direct advice, empathy, and humor throughout.

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Main Caller: April’s Story ([00:05]–[17:35])

Theme

How to communicate with family—especially teenage children—about addiction, while grappling with trauma, shame, and a desire for both spiritual and scientific understanding.

Key Discussion Points

• April’s Situation

  • 49 years old, married 27 years, mother of 7 (ages 13–25).
  • Sober for 25 years; recent relapse after traumatic head injury and family upheaval.
  • Struggling with alcohol and marijuana use to cope with trauma and feelings of being a burden.
  • Seeks both faith-based and "science nerdy" understanding of addiction and overindulgence.

• Dr. Delony’s Approach

  • Challenges the urge to overcomplicate ("You love complexity because complexity allows you space to not do the next thing." – [02:24]).
  • Encourages April to focus on stopping use first, understanding root causes later.
  • Explores issues of self-worth, shame, and the internalized belief of being a burden to her family.
  • Affirms feelings: “There’s no bad feelings. There’s smart and not smart next right steps.” – [10:39]
  • Advises on how to talk with children: Share struggles honestly, but shield them from unnecessary guilt or burden.

Practical Guidance for Telling Her Children ([13:53]–[15:46])

• Language to Use:

  • Focus on being open about struggles post-Puerto Rico and brain injury.
  • Avoid overloading younger kids with labels or specifics ("I don’t know that the specific details…are important right now." – [13:48])
  • Emphasize that changes in behavior aren’t the children’s fault:

    "I want you all to know that I love you and I'm going to bed earlier and earlier because I'm struggling, not because anything y' all are doing. And I miss y’all. I'm going to get the help I need." – Dr. Delony [13:53]

• Avoiding Harm:

  • Do not simply announce "I’m an addict"—that’s more weight than a child can handle ("You're just taking one of your cinder blocks and tossing it to your 13-year-old." – [14:23])
  • Assess children’s maturity individually and share accordingly.

• Encouragement:

  • Commend the family’s resilience and express gratitude.
  • Suggest physical displays of affection and individual conversations:

    "And then ask each of them, can you give your mom a hug?" – Dr. Delony [15:27]

Notable Quotes & Insights

• "You have permission to have the feelings that you have." – Dr. Delony [10:35]
• "You agree with that intellectually, but you don’t believe that in your chest." – Dr. Delony [12:35]
• On facing reality:

  "The scary path for you is putting the crutches down…you’re gonna have to feel the pain in your knees and in your feet and learn to re-walk…" – Dr. Delony [12:02]

Support & Progress

• April has been sober for 11 days, attends trauma healing programs, and enjoys strong support from her husband and family.
  • “Life is definitely better sober.” – April [16:43]
  • “Our relationship is great…I tell him every night how thankful I am.” – April [16:54]

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Caller 2: Steve’s Story – Navigating Family Move and Resentment ([19:38]–[28:13])

Theme

Choosing family over personal preference and handling emotional fallout when moving across the country.

Key Discussion Points

• Steve is moving his family from Texas to Maine for his wife’s support network, despite personal misgiving and logistical challenges (airline pilot, more commuting, leaving family behind).
• Dr. Delony reframes the situation:

  "Be a grown man and just say, I didn’t want to do this, but I chose to do this because it was right for her." – [20:28]

• Encourages Steve to “go all in” on the new life, rather than hold onto resentment or play the victim.
• Suggests creative ways to maintain connection with his stepson left in Texas (e.g., weekly mail, sharing stories or puzzles).
• Recognizes the real sacrifices:

  “That is...a big deal. That is. That’s a big deal.” – Dr. Delony [24:20]

• Advises making the trial time-bound ("bracket this and say, we’re going to give this a go for 24 months.") – [24:39]

Notable Moment

• Playful encouragement:

  "You can keep a foot and a half back in Texas and be a, a complainer. Dude, I’m like a rapper today... Mainer or a complainer." – Dr. Delony [28:02]

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Caller 3: Elizabeth’s Story – Guilt as a Stay-at-Home Mom ([30:37]–[44:32])

Theme

Struggling with guilt and self-worth as a stay-at-home mother after a forced career change.

Key Discussion Points

• Elizabeth, a first-time mom in her early 30s, lost her job before maternity leave and now feels guilt for not wanting to be a stay-at-home mom.
• Grapples with loneliness, lack of adult interaction, and questions her value outside of paid work.
  • “I think I'm seeking some kind of value.” – Elizabeth [32:56]
• Dr. Delony gently explores whether she’s running from loneliness rather than running toward meaningful work.
• Discusses the concept of “American industrial mom guilt complex” ([37:25]), emphasizing that guilt is pervasive no matter what choice is made.
• Encourages defining purpose independent of a paycheck and suggests volunteering or creating intentional adult connections.
• Affirms the importance of clear communication with her spouse for better support.

Notable Quotes

• “Chasing the idea of not feeling guilty is a fool’s errand. You’re always going to feel guilty.” – Dr. Delony [38:18]
• “Could you uncouple your self-worth from somebody's lousy paycheck for a season?” – Dr. Delony [40:48]
• “Behavior is a language. How does he celebrate you with his actions?” – Dr. Delony [41:24]
• “My challenge if you want to go work, go work...If you want to get a job because you want to run from something, I’m going to challenge you because you’re going to end up going with you.” – Dr. Delony [43:54]

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Lighting Round Question: Fantasizing About Someone Else ([44:32]–End)

Key Points

• Anonymous written question: "What do you do if you love your spouse as a person but you think of someone else all of the time?"
• Dr. Delony posits the issue is likely boredom and dissatisfaction, warns against checking out of real life in favor of escapist fantasy.
• Solution: Invest energy and passion back into the spouse and marriage; address needs and desires directly.
  • "Love is a series of daily, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day choices that you make towards somebody." – Dr. Delony [44:43]

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Memorable Moments & Timestamps

• [02:24] “You love complexity because complexity allows you space to not do the next thing.” – Dr. DeLony
• [10:39] “There’s no bad feelings. There’s smart and not smart. Next right steps.”
• [12:35] “You agree with that intellectually, but you don’t believe that in your chest.”
• [13:53]–[15:16] Talking to kids: "Mom's sick, Mom's falling into some old habits again, and I'm going to get the help I need."
• [20:28] “Be a grown man and just say, I didn't want to do this, but I chose to do this because it was right for her.”
• [24:20] “That’s a big deal. That is. That’s a big deal.”
• [28:02] “You can keep a foot and a half back in Texas and be a, a complainer. Dude, I'm like a rapper today...Mainer or a complainer.”
• [37:25] “I've coined the phrase the American industrial mom guilt complex. That's what you're in...”
• [38:18] “Chasing the idea of not feeling guilty is a fool’s errand.”
• [40:48] “Could you uncouple your self-worth from somebody’s lousy paycheck for a season?”
• [44:43] “Love is a series of daily, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day choices that you make towards somebody.”

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Summary

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show revolves around complex topics of addiction, family transparency, displacement, and parental guilt. Dr. Delony combines firm, actionable guidance with empathy and humor, advocating self-compassion, openness, and intentional community in family and personal crises. The result is a compassionate exploration of what it means to face hard truths, ask for help, and make meaningful change.

Transcript

[April]

How do I tell my teenage children I'm an alcoholic and an addict? I want the science nerdy answer of how I can. How I can not overindulge with everything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there's a couple of things here that are out of order. And so I'm going to challenge you with a few things. Is that cool? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. We're recording this at the very beginning of the new year. More importantly, I believe we are recording this. What's my birthday? I know 21's a big one. I can drink now. Whatever. Pretty awesome. 21 times 2 plus. Plus a few. Plus a few Getting old up in there. Yes. But happy birthday to me. Kelly, I appreciate the big birthday present you got me. You're welcome. But that means nothing. But it's cool. But it was a big box of nothing. It is. It was. Yeah. It's your glorious smile that I see right through the glass right now. That's it. All right. Let's stay right here in Nashville and talk to April. Hey, April. What's going on?

[April]

Hey, Dr. John. I am locked in and I'm ready to go.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I love it. I love it. What's going on?

[April]

How do I tell my teenage children I'm an alcoholic and an addict? And I'll get more to that. And second, how can I find the root of the addiction and the concept of overindulging and not being satisfied? And so back on that. I'm a Christian. I believe the faith answer that Jesus is the only one that truly satisfies us. But I want the science nerdy answer of how I can not overindulge with everything. And I can give you more details after that. I know that's a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, it's not at all. I'm really honored that you. That you called. That means the world to me. There's a couple of things here that are out of order.

[April]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so what I would. What I would. I'm going to challenge you with a few things. Is that cool?

[April]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want to make a guess. Tell me if I'm wrong or if I'm right. Okay.

[April]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That you love complexity.

[April]

Yeah. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because complexity allows you space to not do the next thing.

[April]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[April]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I have made it my life as a. As a lifelong academic nerd. I've made it my mission to try to destroy spell with as much complexity as possible. Okay.

[April]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So this is not the season for figuring out root causes.

[April]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is the season for stop using.

[April]

Okay, can I go into the. Can I go into some of the backstory?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Totally.

[April]

Okay. All right, so. And maybe that will explain some of it. So I'm 49. I've been married for 27 years. I did drink a lot in college, but I became a Christian. I was sober for 25 years. We've got seven kids. They did not grow up around alcohol at all. Recently we had. We had a bit of a traumatic event last year. We sold everything and moved to Puerto Rico as missionaries. And everything's going great down there. I fell, I hit my head and did blunt force trauma to my head. My husband had to do cpr. We had to move back to the United States. I had a pulmonary embolism. We had 17 moves in six months. We had to start over with everything. So I had some post traumatic stress from that. And so I started. I got the brilliant idea that I would drink alcohol to escape and numb out that trauma because it has been absolutely overwhelming. Everything has been overwhelming. It was my life's dream to be a missionary, and then to have that just taken, which I feel. I mean, I talk to everybody anywhere, but, you know, just. That was my. That was my dream. And now it's. It's gone. And we came home and I was in the hospital for several days, and they thought I was a homeless person. And it has just. It has been a disaster. And so it's. I was looking for anything I possibly could to escape, to numb out, to lessen that trauma, because I found it's very difficult to get mental help when you're not suicidal. And I've never been suicidal. And I came back from Puerto Rico and I tried to get help, and it was. It was hard. So I recently turned to alcohol. It even got me through.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How long have you started drinking?

[April]

Oh, I started in May, and then I stopped right before Christmas. So I've been about 11 days sober.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[April]

And I also. I smoke marijuana to deal with the post traumatic stress, because that's. I've been to psychiatrists. I've been to all sorts of medicine. And I mean, it's just nightmares and trauma, and I mean, I'm just trying to make it day by day by day. As far as being an addict, I say that because it's like. It's just fill in the blankets, shopping, food, alcohol, whatever. Like you said. No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did you have the compulsive behaviors before you fell and hit your head?

[April]

Looking back, yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[April]

I was in pain management for five years and became addicted to painkillers. Food has been One in the past, shopping. I've bought all kinds of things I don't need.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about your home growing up.

[April]

Oh, home grown up was. I grew up in Montana. Normal parents, both married. They've been married like 54 years. My dad was kind of. We didn't have a great relationship. He was gone a lot. But we're still on speaking terms with my family. I love my family very much. I'm very thankful for the way that I was raised.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did you struggle with compulsive behavior as a kid?

[April]

Not. Well, I don't know. I never. I've never really thought about that, actually. I don't think so. Okay, like what? Like what kind of childhood? Like compulsive behaviors.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, did you struggle with eating, with sexually acting out with food, with no washing your hands? Did you anything like that?

[April]

No. I noticed some, some OCD tendencies later on as I've gotten older, but no. No sexual troubles at all. No eating disorders. Average weight, average height.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So this is a strange question to ask you. Okay.

[April]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When did you stop liking you?

[April]

Oh, when I started feeling like I was a burden to my. To my family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When did that start?

[April]

That was in 2012. I had one of my daughter. When we had our seventh child. I had a traumatic birth and I ended up having seven surgeries. I had got 157 units of blood. My husband's in the military. We were PCSing. We had to stay where we were. He ended up not getting promoted. I've always just felt like a burden because of the bad health stuff. And then now especially leaving Puerto Rico, I feel like it's my fault because if I hadn't fallen and died, then we would still be there. So it's. I bear a lot of that guilt and burden on myself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because what I hear is somebody who is. Yes, you gotta. You're gonna have to go sit with somebody. Clearly you're struggling with the aftermath of almost not being alive. Right. And most people don't have the misfortune and down the road, the fortune of leaning over the edge and realizing, oh, this is real fragile, this thing we call life.

[April]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's terrifying.

[April]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you for sure need to go talk to somebody.

[April]

Yeah, I have. I've. I've actually. I went to. To on site down there by natural. Yeah, I went to their healing trauma program and then I'm going again to their healing trauma program again next week.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wonderful, wonderful. They've got a great reputation and I know some people who've been through there and speak highly of it. So. Um, but here. Here's what I'm gonna tell you. Trauma is like the things that have happened to you are. If you think about it like, you've probably heard me use this analogy before, but like carrying a backpack around. Those are two or three or four giant cinder blocks that got dropped into your backpack. But that sucker was already filled with bricks. Already filled with. I think my husband has these dreams. I wonder if he'd be better off without me. Kid 1. Kid 2. Kid 3. I'm not good at this thing. I wonder if they would be better off with a different mom. Fair.

[April]

I. I want to prerequisite that with that. Raising my children has been the absolute highest honor of my life. And I absolutely love, love that. But times.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes, I know, but you're. You're trying to protect them. They're not even here.

[Elizabeth]

Sorry. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want to tell you, you have permission to have the feelings that you have.

[April]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or let me say it this way. There's no bad feelings. There's smart and not smart. Next right steps.

[Elizabeth]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you're allowed to be really frustrated that you have seven kids.

[April]

Well, most of them are teenagers now, so they're fantastic.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But hold on. You're allowed to be in love and in awe of the man you're married to and really frustrated with his military career.

[April]

Huh?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're allowed to have this fantasy about what's going to happen. You're going to go do these things in another country, and then this stupid thing called gravity shows up and bam. Now I find myself in the States, unemployed, in hospital. You're allowed to feel all those things. And somewhere along the way, that idea of you being a burden is not just financial, is not just time. But you think just having a. Having a feeling is somehow denigrates other people that you care about. And what that means is you're a person who doesn't believe you have the right to exist emotionally, spiritually, physically. And weed takes that pain away. Alcohol takes that pain away.

[Elizabeth]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So the scary path for you, and I'm glad you've already signed up for, to go to on site. The scary path for you is. Is putting the crutches down, which is what alcohol and weed are. And you're gonna have to feel the pain in your knees and in your feet and learn to re. Walk and let your body get strong again. But that's gonna come from a place of, I'm not a burden. My family would not be better off without me.

[April]

No, I absolutely agree that with that they wouldn't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know you. You agree with that intellectually, but you don't believe that in your chest.

[April]

You're right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you've had some gnarly things happen to you, huh?

[April]

Yes, I really have. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then what we get is tomorrow, if we're lucky, and we get to decide what tomorrow's gonna look like in terms of telling your kids. How old are your kids? Rattle off their ages if you can even remember them all.

[April]

Oh, oh, I can remember them all. 13, 16, 17, 18, 21, 23, 25.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Do they all live with you?

[April]

No, two are married and have families. Their own. Five live with us.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So.

[April]

And I've been honest with him about, like smoking marijuana before when I was in the pain pill addiction. I was honest with them. So we have good communication, but I just don't know. Like, that's not just. I mean, it's a hard thing to just say. Is this like, hey, by the way, I've been drinking in my closet for three months?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I don't know that the specific details of that are important right now.

[April]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think them knowing that, hey, mom's. I've been really struggling since coming back from Puerto Rico. I've been really struggling, trying to get my bearings back after a traumatic brain injury, trying to find my footing here. And I've fallen into some old habits again. And I don't want to go into details in all of them, but I want you all to know that I love you. And I'm going to bed earlier and earlier because I'm struggling, not because anything y' all are doing. And I miss y'. All. I'm going to get the help I need.

[April]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You just walking out and launching. I'm an addict. A, I don't know that that's true. And B, what, what's a 13 year old supposed to do with that? You're just taking one of your cinder blocks and tossing it to your 13 year old saying, hey, you carry this for a while?

[April]

Well, that's what I didn't want to do. And that's why I'm asking, because you're so much smarter than me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, trust me, I'm not. But. But like, do you. What I'm saying, it's. It's telling them, hey, Mom's sick and mom's falling into some old habits again and I'm going to get the help I need.

[April]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want them to know I haven't been closing the door at 6 o' clock and not coming out because I don't like being around y'. All.

[April]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I've been going into the bathroom because I'm sick. I'm not well.

[April]

Okay? Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And your dad, if he, if this is true, your dad's been amazing. The way y' all have stepped up and filled in the gap for dinners, for cleaning up around here and all that have been amazing. And I'm so proud of you guys. Y' all are showing me that I'm not a burden.

[Elizabeth]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thank you all for loving me when I'm not well.

[April]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then ask each of them, can you give your, your mom a hug?

[April]

At least 30 seconds.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

At least. And if they want further questions, I would tell them, not until you come back from the second on site. And I would tell. Talk to him individually because the 18 year old can hear certain things that the 13 year old can't. Can't metabolize.

[April]

Okay.

[Elizabeth]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And teenagers are going to be filled with emotions and they're going to say things like, how could you? And you always told us not to and you're a liar and you're hypocrite and they're just saying teenage stuff and that's fine.

[April]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They don't get a vote in this matter right now.

[April]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because it sounds to me like somebody who is really struggling emotionally and struggling physically.

[April]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did what she did to survive.

[April]

I did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you're here. And I would have, if you'd come to me beforehand, I would have given you some other options, but you're here and you made it. How hard is it being sober for the last 11 days?

[April]

Oh, it actually has been a lot better than I thought it would be. Okay. I've kept super busy. Like right now, we're in. I took the kids to New York City and we're seeing a Broadway show tonight. First time we've done that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Fantastic.

[April]

Life is definitely better sober.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's amazing. Does your husband celebrate you? Does he love you?

[Elizabeth]

He does.

[April]

He loves me very well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Will you make sure he knows that?

[April]

Yeah, I do. I do. Our relationship is great. I do. I tell him every night how thankful I am. And, and he also tells me that I'm not a burden and that he, I mean, that he would give me up to half his kingdom. He's probably giving me all of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, and so here's the. Here's the deal. I told this to a previous caller. One of the greatest gifts of a spouse who sees us and knows us is in those moments when we can't see or know ourselves, when we feel things that aren't necessarily accurate. Okay, we trust them. And when I don't feel like I'm doing a good job around the house and my wife grabs my face and she says, I'm so glad that I chose you. Okay, I, I exhale and go, I don't feel it. But I trust you. And sometimes that's the gas I need to go do the next right thing. When you get back from on site, I want you to send a note into the show and Kelly will get it to me. And I want you to let me know how you, how you're doing and how things are going. I'm really honored to talk to you today. Thank you so much. We'll be right back. All right, if you've got a dog or a cat or both, I want you to pause this podcast and go to Dutch.com DeLoney and check them out. Right now. Dutch is incredible. They're a telehealth veterinarian service that saves you a lot of time and, and a lot of money. I've got pets. You've got pets. And caring for pets is such a challenge. And this is why I love Dutch. Dutch gives you 247 access to licensed veterinarians anytime, anywhere. And here's the best part. A Dutch membership covers up to five pets with unlimited visits, unlimited follow ups, and prescriptions shipped free to your door. All of this is for less than 7 bucks a month with code [e-mail] DeLoney that's cheaper than walking into a veterinarian's office one time. The average Dutch member saves over 800 bucks a year. So whether it's medication, behavior issues, allergies, or something else, Dutch vets are trained to treat over 150 common pet conditions. Go to Dutch.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get 50 bucks off a year of veterinarian care. That's the best offer of the year. That's Dutch.com DeLoney code DeLoney seas site for details. Let's go out to Fort Worth, Texas, where Kelly was born and raised. Not really born there, no, but raised. I was three months old when we moved there, so I count it. Let's go talk to Steve. What's up, Steve?

[Steve]

Hey, Dr. John. How are you doing today?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good, brother. How are you, man?

[Steve]

Ah, I'm pretty good. It's a blessing to get to talk to you today and my wife and I are excited to see you. Thursday night. We're coming to the Ramsey event.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Very cool, man. Glad you'll be here, dude. That's awesome.

[Steve]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what's up?

[Steve]

So, well, so here's what's going on. My wife and I are moving our family from Texas to Maine to be closer to her family and her support system.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But hold on. You can't leave the state of Texas.

[Steve]

I. Trust me, I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, no. Is that what this call's about?

[Steve]

That's pretty much what this about, yeah. Ultimately, I don't want to make the move to Maine for a few reasons. However, I know that's what's best for her and it's happening and there's nothing I can do to change it. So how do I keep resentment from building and getting to a place of peace about it?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think first, stop saying there's nothing you can do about it. And I would say be a grown man and just say, I didn't want to do this, but I chose to do this because it was right for her. It's right for our family. It's right. For whatever reason, I'm a willing participant in this. I chose to. I didn't want to, but I am. This is the next right thing for us, and I'm gonna go make the best of it.

[Steve]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, does that make sense? Because. Because here's the deal. Going and being mad about it and going and dragging like I didn't want to do this. Here's what you'll see. You'll see every. You'll see a gas price, you'll see the state income tax, you'll see everything. And it will all be her fault. And you made a grown up choice and you went. You get what I'm saying, right? You can climb the fence, you can try to stay in Texas. You can go there and be just a whiny brat the whole time, or you can just say, all right, I'm going to make the best of this situation, be the best freaking husband I can be. Find things about Maine that are awesome and go all in. I. I really don't know another alternative. Do you?

[Steve]

No, that's kind of. That's kind of where I'm at. And, you know, deep down, it's just, I know what's the right thing to do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why is it the right thing? Why is it the right thing?

[Steve]

So I'm an airline pilot, so I'm gone half the week, and we just don't really have a support system down where we are in Texas. And so it's hard with two young kids for her to manage that in a household. And we've had some health issues. She's had some health issues this year with a tumor. And so just being closer to family and friends and having community while I'm gone on trips is just going to be a huge advantage for her and our family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So can I just applaud you for being a great husband?

[Steve]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And as a guy who, like my. What, dude? I was, I think, 39 or 40 when I moved out of Texas, and my dad set me down. My dad, the old homicide detective, like, Texas cop, sat me down and basically told me that Al Qaeda was waiting for me at the Arkansas border. Like, if you leave Texas, son, all right, no coming. Right? And I get that, man. It's part of the culture there. Were you born and raised in Texas or are you a transplant? Okay, forever. I don't. I. I'm sure this exists. I don't know my friends from North Dakota. I've never heard him be like, dude, you can't leave North Dakota, man. Like, I've never heard that. It seems to be very Texas, or I've heard it in New York and New Jersey, too, but very centric to very, very particular communities. It is a. It is a cultural thing. But I'll tell you this. My family, my wife and I, and our kids absolutely love Tennessee. We never had. We had never lived here ever. And it's been amazing for us. It's different. And can I tell you this? Over the. The. The Christmas holiday that we just ended, my son and I flew back to Texas, and we started in far, far west Texas, like a few miles from the New Mexico border. And we had a hunting adventure all across the state with different friends, at different ranches, with different buddies of mine over the years, and it was amazing. We spent a week there, just the two of us. So you can go back, you can go visit, but it sounds like you made the next right hard move for you, dude. And now it's just about you choosing to put on a set of glasses, that this is going to be the best thing ever for us, and we're going to go figure it out.

[Steve]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does that look like, practically?

[Steve]

I mean, it's. It's a lot of sacrifices on my end, which is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, what does that mean? Because that sounds dramatic. What does that mean?

[Steve]

Well, so there's not a. There's not a base for me in Maine. So that would entail me commuting down to Baltimore, which is adding in a day to every trip that I'm gone, which is 52 days a year that I'm gone, more than not getting paid For.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so that's not dramatic. That's a big deal. That's a big deal. That is.

[Steve]

It is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Steve]

And in my. My family is in Texas. My parents are older, and I've got a stepson from another marriage that I'm, you know, I'm still raising, and it's. So I'm leaving a lot behind.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, that's super valid. Super valid. And it's not dramatic at all. Those are all real losses. That's real stuff. So is there a way that you could bracket this and say, we're going to give this a go for 24 months? For 12 months?

[Steve]

Yeah. Yeah. No, that's. And that's kind of where I'm at. It's like, you know, I was like, hey, let's. Let's give this a try. And. Because I've thrown out other compromises that weren't great options, but they were compromises. And so that's kind of the last. My last compromise is like, okay, let's give it some time and then we. Let's revisit if. If it's not working after two, three years or when our son is five, like, before he starts school. Let's revisit it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I love that. The only way that works, though, is if you try to go full. I don't know what the. Do you know what they call main people? Like, I know they're like, called Texans. Mainers, bro. Go get a hat or whatever. Go be a full Mainer. Okay. All in. Go get lobster nets, get fishing poles. Do the whole thing and get like, go all in with both feet. That way you don't leave anything left on the table. That way you. In a year, and in two years, you can look at your wife and say, I've gone all in. I. I made friends here. I. I did. I went fishing. I took a kid out. You got the healthcare. Like, we did everything. And I'm dying. I'm dying because I miss you. For 50 more days now. I am need to be with my aging parents. I need to feel like, fill in the blank. But at least give yourself the honor of going all in on this deal.

[Steve]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that fair?

[Steve]

Very fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what does it look like to stay connected with your stepson?

[Steve]

It would just be making the effort to go to Texas to see him and flying him up to Maine. He's 11.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

11. Can I challenge you to start a weekly letter writing with him so he gets something in the mail?

[Steve]

Yeah, that's a great idea.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like whether it's something funny, whether it's pictures, whether it is silly thing you picked up on one of your travels, even if you make it a priority, like I'm gonna get him a small little knickknacky, trinkety garbage, trashy thing, I don't know, something on your trips. And I'm, I'm gonna stay connected to him not just in these big what I would call firework moments, like get on a plane and come to Maine and that kind of stuff, but in these little bitty. Every week he's gonna run to the mailbox and have a letter in the mail. That'd be awesome.

[Steve]

Yeah, no, that would be. That'd mean a lot to him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you put a self addressed stamped envelope in there, and I sound like I'm from the 1400s now, but if you put an envelope with a stamp on it that he could write you back, draw you a picture, show you something cool, man, what a blessing that would be. That'd be rad, dude.

[Steve]

That'd be a lot of fun, actually.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but, but, and, and yeah, to be honest, you would love going to the mill too.

[Steve]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I mean? And so I'm thinking of like writing a story and he gets to write the next paragraph and send it back to you and you write the next chapter and send it back to him. I'm thinking of you doing half of a crossword puzzle or a word search puzzle and sending him the other half and he has to send it back completed. I'm thinking of all kind of just random fun things y' all could do to stay connected that way. But have those little daily magic moments of, oh, dude, there's something in the mailbox for me.

[Steve]

Yeah, could be cool.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And this transition's gonna be tough. It will be. And you're leaving a lot behind. You're gonna be sitting in airports and then you're gonna get to choose what kind of attitude am I going to walk in my front door with? And so you can try to knock this thing out. You can try to go all in and be a Mainer, or you can keep a foot and a half back in Texas and be a, a complainer. Dude, I'm like a rapper today. Dude, I'm feeling like some Mainer or a complainer dude, that we're booking that bin. That's going to be like a, a new song of ours for our band. But dude, I'm proud of you, man, for doing the right hard thing for your wife. And it's going to cost you time. It's going to Cost you being stuck in hotels and airports, it's going to cost you some interactions with a stepson. It's going to, it's going to come at a cost. But no, hard transition doesn't have cost. And so then it just is a matter of am I going to go try to knock this thing out or am I going to run from it? And so I'm proud of you, brother. Go make it happen. Thanks for the call, dude. When we come back, a woman asks how to deal with the guilt of not wanting to be a stay at home mom. We'll be right back. I'm always joking, but also telling the truth about how much I hate being online. But the truth is I'm everywhere online. I'm on podcasts, social media, YouTube. And because of that, my personal information is all over the Internet. That's why I joined Delete me. But just because you're not a podcaster doesn't mean your information isn't also all over the Internet. It is. Everyone's information is everywhere. Your phone number, your home address, even old email accounts. It's all out there on data broker websites that buy and sell your personal information to to the highest bidder. To do what? We don't even know. I don't want to worry about scammers having personal details about me and my family. And I know you don't either. Delete me scans hundreds of data broker sites, finds your personal information and removes it for you. And then they keep checking for you month after month to make sure it's gone. Clean up the digital clutter and take back the parts of your life that you never gave permission to be shared. Go to join deleteme.com deloney for 20% off an annual plan that's join J O I n join deletem.com DeLoney all right, Colorado Springs, Colorado. Let's talk to Elizabeth. What's up, Elizabeth? How we doing?

[Elizabeth]

I'm good. How are you Doing Doing great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Doing good. Good, good, good. What's up?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. So I am a stay at home mom. I have a 17 month old son and I don't want to be a stay at home mom. And I feel very guilty for that and I don't know how to deal with that guilt.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh man. Is this your first kid?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are you?

[Elizabeth]

I'm in my early 30s.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Early 30s. All right. So did you always think that you wanted to be a stay at home mom? No, no, no.

[Elizabeth]

I thought I would always have a career.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So tell me about this. Why decide to be A stay at home mom for almost two years now.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. So I didn't really decide. I, I was working up until my maternity leave and then right before my maternity leave I was told that my job was going to be cut.

[April]

So.

[Elizabeth]

I didn't have a job. And then I started looking for a job, but I had trouble getting interviews.

[April]

And.

[Elizabeth]

Getting any offers.

[Steve]

So.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, I'm just. Right now I'm a stay at home mom and I'm looking for work.

[April]

But.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, I, I feel guilt. I feel guilty for it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is it that work provides for you when it comes to purpose? Because I'm guessing financially you all are making it right. Are you married?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, I am. Yeah, we're doing okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Elizabeth]

Financially.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, so what is, what does work give you in terms of purpose that you don't have right now?

[Elizabeth]

That's a good question. I, I think it's, I think I'm seeking some kind of value.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, that's, that's what I was hearing.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So my, my 30,000 foot question is, why do you think being a stay at home mom doesn't bring value? Or what is it about going to work every day and making somebody else very wealthy for pennies on their dollar that makes you feel super valuable?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, I don't know. I, I'm not sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So. I think that you can do whatever you want to do and I think that anybody that throws value judgments at you one way or the other is trying to fill a gap in their own spirit.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there's millions and millions of people, women who have to work, they have to financially. There's millions who want to work. My concern, and again, I can be wrong, be way out to lunch. What I'm hearing, what I think I'm hearing, let me put it that way, is you're, you want to go to work to find something. And my fear on anybody who puts any extrinsic solution to an intrinsic challenge out there. When I get that car, when I get that house, when I get that job, when I get that paycheck, then I'm gonna feel, ah, is they come up with a terrifying truth or terrifying reality which is wherever you go, you go with you. And what I hear from a lot of stay at home moms who wish they were somewhere else is I thought motherhood would feel different or I don't like my kid all the time, or this is so boring, or I'm super, super lonely.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[April]

And so ring true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Work becomes a place where I have, I don't have friends, but I have Insta instant adult communication, right. I have a series of things that I have to do that somebody else pats me on the head and says good job or needs improvement or whatever, you know, whatever it is, or I get a direct deposit every two weeks that says, you know what, you've got this much value this month. And if you, if you have a career, if you have a job, if you have a passion for a thing, if you want to be like, have a mission and you want to go work, amazing. If you have to go work, amazing. But if you have that, that centered discontent, my challenge to you would be find out what purpose means to you and ask yourself, would I be better served being forced a bunch of adult colleagues in cubicles or could I get involved locally, do the hard, terrifying, awful job of getting friends in your 30s, which is the worst?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, it is, right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I find space two or three or four hours a day where I can go exercise, where I can take care of myself, where I can study for a new, a new thing I'm interested in, I can learn a new trade, learn a new skill? Because it sounds like, here's the deal, it sounds like you're running from, not running towards.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, I think that's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, I've coined the phrase the American industrial mom guilt complex. That's what you're in by having a child in the United States, you're going to feel guilty. So I would, I would feel that. Let it course through your veins and then go do the next right thing for you as opposed to letting it paralyze you, hoping you'll do a thing, that the guilt will go away. Because as soon as you go to work and you get that first call from a daycare center, you're gonna feel guilty all over again. Or you're gonna go to work and some mom is gonna be like, well, you know, the data says, and the data does say that it's true. Right. And then you're gonna feel guilty. So chasing that is gonna always like chasing. The idea of not feeling guilty is a fool's errand. You're always gonna feel guilty.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So it's just like, all right, that is. So now let's just, let's go on and do what's the next thing. So what did you do career wise before you became a stay at home mom?

[Elizabeth]

I actually worked for a non profit organization.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about it.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, so I worked with like volunteers and I helped them find purpose in volunteering with us. So the volunteers I worked with would Go into hospices and would be friends with hospice patients.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's amazing.

[Elizabeth]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did you. Did you like the hospice visits or did you like working with and prepping the volunteers?

[Elizabeth]

I preferred the hospice visits over prepping the. Over prepping the volunteers.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So how would you coach you? If you came and sat down with you in your previous job and you said, I'm looking for a purpose, I want to get involved, I want to do something, what would you tell you?

[Elizabeth]

I mean, there are a lot of ways to find purpose.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The two words I keep hearing are you feel trapped and you feel lonely. Is that right?

[April]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. I definitely feel like this will never end. Like I'll have to be a stay home mom forever.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You're about, I don't know, six to nine months of. For of that going away.

[Elizabeth]

Mm.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're like, oh, yeah, right. I don't think anything's forever, but, yeah. My challenge to you would be, could you go to this exact same organization and volunteer two days a week to go sit with hospice patients?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, I could do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Could you uncouple your self worth from somebody's lousy paycheck for a season?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, I think I could do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How does your husband celebrate you?

[Elizabeth]

I mean, he tells me I'm doing a great job being a mom, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Behavior is a language. How does he celebrate you with his actions?

[Elizabeth]

He'll help around the house. He'll do chores.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So he goes and works all day and provides enough for the family that y' all aren't starving, y' all are making it. And then he comes home and he's engaged. And maybe clumsily, but he's engaged at home, too.

[Elizabeth]

I mean, he is. He has a lot on his plate, but he. He does help, like, with our son. And then he will, you know, do some cleaning, like as free time on the weekends and the evenings.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. If there are ways that he could know you and let you feel known, if there are specific ways he could celebrate you and he. I'm thinking of an example. Hey. The first 10 minutes when you walk through the door, if you would have your phone away, and right when you walk in the door, I want to catch you, and I just want us to hug for 60 seconds. Yeah, I don't know what that means. I want us to put the kid in the stroller, and let's just go for a walk around the neighborhood. We don't even have to say anything. I just want to be with you for a minute.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

As clear and as direct as you could offer him a roadmap to, I'm your wife, and I'm not doing great right now. I'm lonely. I feel trapped. I feel like this season's never going to end. And also, I feel bad every time I just want our kid to quit screaming. Or every time I have to change the 14th diaper, I just want to throw it up against the wall. And then when I feel like that, then I feel bad for feeling like that. And then I feel empowered. I shouldn't feel bad about that. And it's just a loop de loop, de loop de loop all day. Does he know you're struggling?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, he does. He's very aware.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But my challenge. If you want to go work, go work. Go, go, go. Keep applying and keep doing that. And if you feel guilty, I know that's. That's just. I. I hate to say it's part of it, but. It's part of it. But if you are trying to escape that emptiness inside your own chest, I want you to go talk to somebody. I want you to go volunteer for a couple of days a week. Want you to call a couple of moms and have them over to your messy house and just say, hey, every Tuesday and Thursday, my house. Coffee.

[April]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Y' all bring the mugs. I'll bring. I'll make the coffee. And it's not cool. Like, it was in your 20s, and it's not like, I. I don't. In college, we just did stuff. Right. In our 20s, we just did stuff when we were working full time. We just, like, are like, hey, I want to go grab drinks. Yeah, we can. Like, that season is over because we have a kid now, but it can be a different kind of awesome. We just have to be intentional about it. Intentional about arrest. Intentional about making that extra phone call, Intentional about feeling when. When all the moms in the neighborhood say, we can't come over, and you've gotten two rejection slips that day. Not feeling like. Or feeling like, man, I'm a failure, but knowing I trust that guy, and he says, I'm doing a good job, I'm going to keep leaning into that. And if that weight gets too heavy, I got to go talk to counselor. But if you want to work and you feel power empowered and you feel passionate about doing a thing, and, man, go do it. Go knock your lights out. But if you want to get a. Go get a job because you want to run from something, I'm going to challenge you because you're going to end up going with you and so ask yourself, what are the challenges that getting a job would solve for me? Loneliness. I can, I can, I can do that. Purpose, man, I had great purpose talking to volunteers about having purpose. Right. I can find those things and double back on even faking it till you make it. Practicing owning value in being a stay at home mom for this season. And I promise you, the season ends. I'm proud of you for making the call and man, my heart's with you. Take some time this evening to write these things down and make yourself a list and then try to go attack that list. And if it includes sending out resumes, keep sending out resumes. That's great. I'm really grateful for your call. Two things that I care about and that I know you care about are sleeping well and having healthy kids. And that's why I'm proud to endorse Beam and their science backed wellness products. When I need a good night's sleep, I reach for Beam's Dream Powder. It's a powder that I mix with my favorite drink and it helps me fall asleep faster than stay asleep longer and wake up feeling clear and not groggy. I love that. Bean Dream Powder supports all four stages of sleep using ingredients that your body actually recognizes like magnesium, L theanine, apogenin, Rishi, melatonin, and listen, there's no weird chemicals, no added sugar and it tastes amazing. And when it comes to my kids health, I give them Beams Kids super powder. It's packed with greens, vitamins and probiotics. It's super healthy and they love it. So if you're ready to raise your sleep standards and for your kids to be healthier, check out Beam. And when it comes to Beam's Dream Powder for a limited time, Beam is giving my listeners their best offer yet, up to 50% off their dream powder with my discount. Code Deloney go to shop beam.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney at checkout that shop beam b a m.com DeLoney and use code Deloney for up to 50% off their dream powder. All right, money in marriage question. Here we go. These are anonymous questions that people leave at the marriage retreat that I put on a couple of times a year. What do you do if you love your spouse as a person but you think of someone else all of the time? I don't. Kelly, help me with this. I don't. I'm assuming that if they ask the question that it's they're talking about thinking of them sexually or thinking of being with them or thinking of that's what I would think. I mean that's what I took by reading it was that there's someone else that they're fantasizing about. Either fantasizing about sexual, like you said, sexually, or just them and the person in general. Yeah, that's how I took it as well. So I, I guess I need way more information. Here's a question again. What, what do you do if you love your spouse as a person but you think of someone else all of the time? I would need way more information to answer this, but I'm just going to make up some additional information and try to give an answer here. This sounds like a question of somebody who is bored to death in the life that they have co created and if you quote unquote, love your spouse but you're not acting your way into that. Love is a series of daily, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day choices that you make towards somebody. It's not this just feeling that you have. It is. This question sounds like somebody's allowing themselves to sit on the couch and watch Netflix take their life and watch the mundaness and the regularity and the humdrumness of life roll on while they in their mind fantasize about somebody else. They imagine what life could be like with them in another situation, in another bedroom. And so my challenge would be if you love your spouse as a person, if you think they're a good person, they're a safe person, take those things in your head that you are dreaming about would give you life, would inject life into your spirit, into your home, into your sex life, into your marriage, whatever, and direct that towards the person that you love sitting right next to you. And that might be with some really specific, hey, put your phone down. I don't want to work. I'm about to rock your world. If you'll get off your stupid phone and come into the bedroom. It does like it's being specific. I need some help around here. I want some help around here. I want to rebuild our marriage from the floor up. But it's taking those things that you think are going to be different somewhere else and putting them into action in your own home. And here's what will happen. It will be met with gratitude and love and this desire to build a whole new marriage. Or it'll be met with abject rejection and you'll have the answers that you need. But so many of us just sit and let life pass us by and we live our lives up in our heads instead of just going to do the next right things. Love passionately. Make crazy love with each other. Go pick up the stupid towels. Clean your stuff off the bathroom. Get rid of those tiny little hairs in the sink. Those little things that clear the way for us to inject life into our own homes. So that's me making up some stuff about this one. That's what I would do. That's what I would do. Thanks for the call. Love you guys. See you soon. Bye.