How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?

Summary

Summary of "The Dr. John DeLoney Show" Episode: How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?

Release Date: January 22, 2025

Introduction

In this episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, Dr. John DeLoney addresses callers navigating complex personal and relational challenges. The focal point of the episode centers around Rebecca's heartfelt dilemma about converting from Judaism to Catholicism and how to communicate this significant life decision to her culturally Jewish parents without damaging their relationship. Additionally, the episode features insightful discussions with other callers, Daniel and Chase, who seek guidance on financial anxieties and relationship insecurities, respectively.

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Main Segment: Rebecca's Conversion Dilemma

Caller Introduction

[00:05] Rebecca initiates the conversation with a poignant question:

“How do I approach my Jewish parents about converting to Catholicism without ruining our relationship?”

Understanding Rebecca's Situation

Rebecca shares that she has recently distanced herself from her synagogue for various reasons and now faces the decision to convert to Catholicism to align with her husband’s faith and to baptize their children ([00:16] – [02:56]). She expresses concern about the potential heartbreak her parents might experience, feeling that her conversion could symbolize a form of abandonment rather than a divergence in religious practice.

Dr. DeLoney's Guidance

Dr. DeLoney approaches Rebecca's situation with empathy and strategic advice:

[03:02] “I think one of the values they gave you growing up was one of intellectual curiosity or always asking hard questions or not being scared of hard questions. Is that fair?”

He suggests that Rebecca frame her conversation as an evolution and extension of the values her parents instilled in her, rather than an indictment of their beliefs:

[05:09] “It’s a reflection of, hey, mom and dad, this is not an indictment of how I wish you hadn't raised me this way. In fact, this is an extension and a furthering and evolution of how you raised me.”

Strategies for Communication

Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the importance of honesty and respect, advising Rebecca to:

1. Express Gratitude: Acknowledge the strong foundation her parents provided.
2. Clarify Intentions: Clearly state her reasons for converting and how it aligns with her family’s future.
3. Maintain Respect: Ensure the conversation is calm and factual to minimize conflict.

[07:45] “I think coming in and saying, I’m truly, truly grateful for how you raised me... This is happening. I hope you'll join us then.”

He also cautions against using tentative language that might suggest uncertainty or create room for misinterpretation:

[08:00] “Don't say things like, 'I think I'm gonna go to confirmation'... It takes all the wishy-washy out of it.”

Managing Parental Reactions

Recognizing that Rebecca cannot control her parents' reactions, Dr. DeLoney advises her to approach the conversation with confidence and peace, fostering an environment where her parents feel respected and valued, regardless of their initial emotional responses.

[07:25] “You cannot control how your mom and dad react... Treat them with dignity and respect.”

Additional Segments

While Rebecca's story is the centerpiece, the episode also delves into other significant issues faced by callers, providing a comprehensive exploration of personal growth and relationship dynamics.

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Caller Segment: Daniel's Financial Anxiety

Introduction to Daniel's Concern

[13:55] Daniel seeks advice on overcoming fears of financial instability and recognizing when his saving habits become excessive.

Exploring the Root Cause

Dr. DeLoney delves into Daniel's background, uncovering ingrained beliefs about money rooted in his upbringing:

[14:34] “Where does that story originate? Where does that fear come from?”

Actionable Advice

Dr. DeLoney provides a multi-faceted approach:

1. Identify Fear Anchors: Understand what triggers Daniel's anxiety about finances.
2. Set Practical Goals: Define a clear emergency fund and start spending beyond that threshold to alleviate fear.
3. Cultivate Giving: Encourage Daniel to practice generosity to shift his focus from scarcity to abundance.
4. Declutter: Simplify his environment to reduce stress related to possessions and financial pressures.

[31:37] “Find your emergency fund number... Begin giving money away.”

Encouragement and Assurance

Dr. DeLoney reassures Daniel of his progress and emphasizes the importance of acting to overcome financial fears.

[32:15] “You are on the right path.”

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Caller Segment: Chase's Relationship Insecurities

Introduction to Chase's Issue

[37:00] At 19 years old, Chase grapples with insecurities after discovering old messages and photos of his girlfriend with previous partners. This discovery has led to feelings of jealousy and self-doubt.

Understanding Insecurity Sources

Dr. DeLoney probes into the origins of Chase's insecurities, highlighting the significant impact of past relationships and personal self-worth:

[26:22] “I know in my head that it's not true, but it's just… I feel like I've internalized it for so long that I've still got to.”

Strategic Response

Dr. DeLoney advises Chase to:

1. Acknowledge and Apologize: Address the breach of privacy and express genuine remorse to his girlfriend.
2. Build Self-Esteem: Focus on personal growth and becoming a “marriable man” who can confidently engage in healthy relationships.
3. Develop Purpose: Encourage Chase to pursue his true passions and career goals to bolster his self-worth.
4. Seek Professional Help: Consider counseling to address deep-seated insecurities and develop healthier emotional responses.

[53:42] “Become somebody that you can feel confident looking at... that insecurity originates from.”

Final Encouragement

Dr. DeLoney empowers Chase to take ownership of his actions and emphasizes the importance of personal development in overcoming relationship insecurities.

[53:42] “Your job is to face your insecurities head on.”

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Conclusion

This episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show offers profound insights into handling significant life decisions and personal challenges. Dr. DeLoney's empathetic approach provides callers with practical strategies to navigate complex emotional landscapes, whether it's addressing religious conversions, managing financial anxieties, or overcoming relationship insecurities. The episode underscores the importance of self-awareness, honest communication, and proactive personal growth in fostering healthy and fulfilling relationships.

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Notable Quotes:

• Rebecca's Concern:

  [00:05] Rebecca: “How do I approach my Jewish parents about converting to Catholicism without ruining our relationship?”

• Dr. DeLoney on Evolution of Beliefs:

  [05:09] “This is an extension and a furthering and evolution of how you raised me.”

• Emphasis on Honesty and Respect:

  [07:45] “I’m truly, truly grateful for how you raised me... This is happening. I hope you'll join us then.”

• Daniel's Financial Strategy:

  [31:37] “Find your emergency fund number... Begin giving money away.”

• Chase's Path to Confidence:

  [53:42] “Become somebody that you can feel confident looking at... that insecurity originates from.”

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This comprehensive summary encapsulates the episode's key discussions, providing valuable insights for listeners seeking guidance on personal and relational challenges.

Transcript

[Rebecca]

How do I approach my Jewish parents about converting to Catholicism without ruining our relationship?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ooh, I don't know if you have that kind of power. Tell me about it.

[Rebecca]

Recently, I've kind of separated myself from the synagogue I was a part of for many different reasons.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's going on? This is John with a Dr. John DeLoney show. So grateful that you're with us. I hope your new year is off to a great start. And whatever, whatever grand ideas you had this year, I hope you are still working through the systems you set in place. Whether it's, I'm gonna, I'm gonna meet every Sunday night with a friend or with a partner with my spouse, and we're gonna go over our budget for the week and go over our calendar for the week and we're gonna meal prep together. Or you're just taking a few minutes each morning to get out and get some early morning sunlight, like Brother Huberman tells us. Or I'm going to journal, I'm going to write, I'm going to use my red lights, I'm going to eat. Like, whatever things you're doing, I hope they're making your life more whole and more full and hope you're sticking with it. If you want to be on this show. The show's about real people going through real challenges and we talk through real hard stuff. And my promise is I'll sit with you and we'll figure out the next right move, whether it's your emotional health, your mental health, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291 and if you'll take 13 seconds and hit the subscribe button on the YouTubes or you'll go over and leave a five star review wherever you listen to podcasts, that would be amazing. All right, let's go out to Baltimore, Maryland and talk to Rebecca. Hey, Rebecca, what's up?

[Rebecca]

Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm great. How are you?

[Rebecca]

I am good. I'm glad to be talking to you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Glad to be talking to you. It's awesome.

[Rebecca]

So I was going to ask you, how do I approach my Jewish parents about converting to Catholicism without ruining our relationship?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, I don't know if you have that kind of power. Tell me about it.

[Rebecca]

So recently I've kind of separated myself from the synagogue I was a part of for many different reasons. And I've, my husband was raised Catholic. So I've decided that I would like to convert and Be a part of the church with him. And we would also like to get our kids baptized.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Rebecca]

So that's another part of the thing that's probably going to break my parents hearts as well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are your parents practicing or are they.

[Rebecca]

Just culturally more of like a cultural Jewish.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. All right. So I guess what I would tell you is you know your parents better than anybody and you already walking in the door, think you're going to break their heart. Are you pretty confident in that or is that just fear talking?

[Rebecca]

I think in front of me, at least with my mom, I think she'll be supportive and then she'll leave and be heartbroken.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, she heartbroken be heartbroken because she's.

[Rebecca]

Going to lose the way they raised me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, yeah. As an indictment on their values and character versus. No, no, no. I'm grateful for the foundation you gave me. Here's the next evolution for me. Or is she going to be upset that she's going to have to go back to her brunch and tell the women that she has brunch with. You're not gonna leave what my daughter did, and they're gonna think badly.

[Rebecca]

I don't, I don't think it's that because it's really not like just because they're not practicing. I think it's more of like an abandonment.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So could it be that one of the. One of the values they gave you growing up was one of intellectual curiosity or always asking hard questions or not being scared of hard questions? Is that fair?

[Rebecca]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How was their marriage growing up?

[Rebecca]

It was good. I mean, at least in front of me, it was good. I've only like, witnessed them yelling at each other like less than a handful of times in my entire life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Yeah, they're good east coast family, right? They. There's some yellow.

[Rebecca]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's just, you know, I used to think all yelling was bad until I. Yeah, there's some good east coast families that love, love, love each other. They just talk louder, that's all. They just communicate with more vigor.

[Rebecca]

At the same time, we're also kind of like one of those southern families that doesn't say things that need to be said sometimes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Gotcha. So if, if, if here's how I would. I would delineate here. Let's say you were Baptist and you're converting to Catholic. Okay. There would be. And your parents were deeply deep practicing Southern Baptist. They would be concerned for their social standing. They would be concerned about values, yada, yada, but deeply, they would be concerned about your soul's. Placement in hell for eternity. Right, right. And so that would be one conversation that's going to be very different. I feel like you have a different conversation happening here because this is less existential in terms of if you don't do these things, here's what happens to you in the end. And more. It's a reflection of, hey, mom and dad. This is not an indictment of how I wish you hadn't raised me this way. In fact, this is an extension and a furthering and evolution of how you raised me, because y'all had a great marriage, and y'all showed me what connection and being one looks like. Me and my husband have practiced that, and we found a connection and commonality in this faith journey. And you guys taught me to ask hard questions and to chase my nose and to sit and, and, and wrestle with hard things. This is where I've landed. And so I think it can be a way that you sit down and say, because of how you raised me, here's where I am. So it's an, it's, it's a furthering and it's a, it's a, it's a, gosh, not just, this is a terrible analogy, but it's a blooming of the seed they planted in you.

[Rebecca]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm guessing here I also know cultural values are cultural values, and in the Jewish community, a community that has, has spent its entire, its entire heritage surviving together.

[Daniel]

Right, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There is a sense of abandonment.

[Rebecca]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I get that. And so I, I, I think the, the, the meta here is you can't control how your mom and dad react.

[Rebecca]

Correct. I just want to do it with the least amount of conflict possible.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I, I think trying to, trying to PR this, trying to public relation this, or try to message this is gonna make it look like you've got something to hide or you're not telling the full truth.

[Rebecca]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think coming in and saying, I'm truly, truly grateful for how you raised me.

[Rebecca]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here are some of the great attributes, and here is where I've landed with my husband and with our kids, and here's the direction our family's taking.

[Rebecca]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I hope you will remain with us. I want you to know that we honor you guys, we love you, and we want to be a part of your lives. I'm assuming all that's true, and this is a furthering and extension of that. And it's not like y'all are going to have to split up on Sunday mornings, like, or, you know, one's going to synagogue. And when you're going to church now, y'all just might get up and go to church on Sundays instead of having breakfast, right? So I think in practice that y'all have to navigate that. But ultimately, I think the meta here is this. You cannot control. Somebody else responds. Trying to come up with some clever way or like, I'm just gonna, you know, I want to. I want to dance around it. That's never helpful. I'm going to tell you the truth. I'm going to tell you it in a way that treats you with dignity and respect. And if there's a way I can. If I can put you on the pedestal that you deserve, I'm going to do that. And if there's a way I can honor you and giving you hard news, I'm going to do that. But I always go back to the. The way I was trained with the great Dr. Andy Young. Calm is contagious. And facts are your friends. Calm is contagious. Facts are your friends. If you come into this conversation and you're all shaky and nervous and your eyes are darting around, then your mom and dad will feel something's not right here. Does she not think that we love her? Does she not really want to be doing this? And her husband's making her. They're going to create a story. But if you come in at peace with this transition, this is the right thing for me and my family. This is happening. I hope you'll join us then. That feels inviting. That's an invitation. It's calm and facts are your friends. I'm not going to beat around the bush. I'm not going to tell you this big, long story. You raised me this way, and I'm so, so grateful. And here's where I am now, and here's what's happening next. And so also, don't say things like, so, I think I'm gonna go to confirmation. I think I'm gonna start. We. We think we're gonna. When you start adding those little slivers, they sound like cracks for people to intellectually slide into or spiritually or emotionally slide into and create division. If you're here, I want you to be. I want you to be very clear about what you're saying. I will be getting baptized next month. My children will be getting baptized in February. This maybe is a strange request, but I hope you can attend. It takes all the wishy washy out of it. Calm is contagious. Facts to your friends. Here is the truth. And at the very end, the truth remains. We love you, we honor you, and we think y'all are great grandparents. Hey everybody, listen to this. My friends at Helix, the makers of the best mattresses in the universe that every single member of my family sleeps on, they are in their final hours of their new your sale right now. Now listen, I get it. 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And let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it and I love it. Hallow offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God, answer hard questions and find peace. Hallow has some amazing daily prayers that are perfect to start your day with. And one of Hallow's most popular features is the Daily Reflect with Jonathan Roumie from the show the Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, the nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's even something called the Daily minute. Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and even fostering a community for accountability. Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right now, they're offering three months for free when you join at hallow.com DeLoney that's hallow.com DeLoney for three months of Hallow to get your year started absolutely free. Go check them out. All right, we're back. Let's go out to St. Louis, Missouri and talk to Daniel. Hey, Daniel, what's up?

[Daniel]

So my question is, how do I overcome my fears of going broke and recognize when my saving habits become excessive?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hmm. Tell me more.

[Daniel]

Well, so as long as I can remember, I've always just kind of had this. Even whenever I, you know, started working at, like, a very young age, helping, like, my mom's business and stuff, I've just kind of had this mindset of as soon as I got money, I didn't do anything with it. I just stowed it away and I just let it. The mindset was just to let it grow.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where does that come from? Where does that story originate?

[Daniel]

I don't know. And I feel like it's probably one of the earliest, I guess, bits of wisdom that I ever remember hearing from my parents and from my grandparents is the idea of a penny saved is a penny earned. And since then, since I, you know, worked all throughout high school and then worked all throughout college, and then since graduating college, I've always kind of set these milestones where I just thought to myself, okay, once I achieved this much in the bank, I'm good. And it doesn't mean I'll be stupid. It doesn't mean I'll go crazy. But I don't have to worry as much anymore because I've got this much stowed away. And every single time I achieve it, I just end up up thinking, well, just a little bit more, and then I'll be good. And then I'll feel comfortable not being so panicky whenever I have to spend money that I haven't kind of worked myself up to spend.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So tell me about your close dude friendships.

[Daniel]

Ooh. So I've got, like, my best friend in the world is. Been my best friend since the third grade. We still talk all the time. He still lives in our hometown. How far away is average? 3 hours.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about 3 or 4 men in your life right now that you hang out with on a regular basis.

[Daniel]

Oh, boy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, Tell me about your job.

[Daniel]

Oh, boy. So I work at a bank, and currently I'm kind of. I'm looking around at other things to possibly, you know, become my job. I'm planning on starting school next year, and so I'm kind of in this position where I don't know if I should stay in my job because I really don't like it. But I've got a good six months before starting school, so I don't know if I should find something else.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What are you going to study?

[Daniel]

I'm actually planning to join the seminary and study pastoral ministry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Are you married?

[Daniel]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. How's your marriage?

[Daniel]

I think it's good. We actually just got married in October, so still pretty. Still pretty new.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That was an excellent diversion from the. From answering the question. How's your marriage?

[Daniel]

It's good. It's good. We're.

[Chase]

We're.

[Daniel]

It's kind of. Since I've decided to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're so great. If you. If you had to give it a grade.

[Daniel]

Like on a scale from A to F or 1 to 10 or.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. 8F.

[Daniel]

Okay. I'd probably say B.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

An 88 or an 79.5.

[Daniel]

Say 83.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think you're being very generous, but I'll. I'll go with you on that.

[Daniel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about your relationship with your mom and dad.

[Daniel]

It's good. So it was definite.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Also not great.

[Daniel]

It's. It's gotten better, especially with my dad. There was some. There was some tension growing up where I thought he, you know, was trying to make me be one person, and I wanted to be a different kind of person. And I didn't feel like I could really go to him and talk to him about how I felt. That all has since been resolved. And so with both my parents, it's probably the best it's ever been. Typical. Kind of. It just feels like typical growing pains and stuff throughout high school and college.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How's your physical health?

[Chase]

Good.

[Daniel]

It's actually. I've actually been going to the gym for about 10 months now after never going consistently awesome. So I've. I know it's marginally speaking. I'm probably in the best shape I've ever been in, even though I don't. I wouldn't say I'm in necessarily great shape.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's fantastic. How's your, how's your faith?

[Daniel]

That's also been really great. I got baptized actually almost a year ago. Exactly. And so my, my wife grew up Catholic and fell away from the Catholic Church just due to negative experiences that she had. And so whenever we moved into the house that we're in right now, we decided to try and cultivate that area of our lives again. So we started going to a church that's just down the street from us and we were immediately welcomed with huge open arms and got super involved in it. And so that's partly the reason why I've wanted to study pastoral ministry is to be able to kind of be that person who welcomes people in and can be able to make that kind of difference in their lives.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about your financial life.

[Daniel]

Just in terms of how much I make, how much I have saved. How much do you owe? Really? Nothing. She has, she has a car loan that so some.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So. Something.

[Chase]

Yes.

[Daniel]

So. And I am debt free, aside from a credit card that has a relatively small balance.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How are you going to pay for school?

[Daniel]

We have a 529 plan set up with the state of Missouri.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So your, your tuition is going to be covered.

[Daniel]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And your living expenses to drop out of the workforce.

[Daniel]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which, by the way, I would strongly recommend. Don't do that. But that's a whole other call. So here, here's.

[Daniel]

I don't plan to. I don't plan to stop working completely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So here's what I'm poking around the edges. I don't think, let me say this way, when somebody has a true fear and they run through the middle of that fear, there's often a resolution in nerd speak. Therapeutically, they would call it exposure therapy. I'm scared of snakes. So I'm going to sit down with somebody, we're going to talk about snakes, and they're going to come back to my office, we're going to talk about snakes again. They're going to come back to my office and we're going to get crayons and we're going to draw silly pictures of snakes. Then we're going to draw silly pictures again. And then in three or four weeks I'm going to show you like Internet photos of snakes. And then a few weeks later, we're going to write a story about you holding a snake. And then I'm going to show you Pictures of snakes eating rats and mice were leading to you holding a live python in my office. And you're laughing. You've run into that fear taught your body over time through managing stress. And when your body starts to go to fight or flight or freeze and then actually exposing yourself to this alleged threat and teaching your body that it's, it's okay, it's not, it's not a danger. And then your body literally goes, okay, and we're moving on. If in your case, you have a fear of lack of not enough, I'm going to run out, you can usually identify that fear by meeting whatever standard you've set. And then you instantly, your body instantly moves the finish line. That's a good barometer that what you are afraid of is a proxy war for something else going on in your life that's out of control and your body's trying to solve it in another way. And so the questions I asked you often are, people will be broke. They owe six figures in student loans, they got a mortgage they can't afford. They got two house the car payments on depreciating assets, which is still the stupidest thing we do as Americans is buy cars on payment plans. But like we. Your body knows you are one bad email from getting fired and your boss pulling your job, firing you, and you lose your house, your car, your food. And so your body would be failing you if it let you sleep all night. But instead of dealing with that particular issue because that's scary and hard and takes radical lifestyle change, it's easy to look at something like savings or look at something like body fat percentage, look at something like how straight and clean your clothes are. Like just, It's a total diversion. And so going through the things we just went through, how's your friendship? If. If you're, if your body recognizes you're alone, if you have slowly, over time, collapsed, multiple friendships, work, camaraderie, faith camaraderie, doing hard things together. And you have dumped it all on this brand new marriage and your wife is rattling under the weight as though she was sitting under a squat rack. And you just kept adding plate after plate after plate. And by the way, men do this a lot. We cut our friendships off, we cut our going out out after work off. We stopped going to concerts, we stop going hunting with other people. We just go ourselves and we dump everything. Sex, co parenting, co imagining, co dreaming, friendship. Our wives have to carry all of it. And they can't carry that weight. It's too heavy. So maybe that's it. Or maybe it's finances, or maybe it's. You're a brand new person of faith in this new faith tradition, and you're about to quit your career and go to graduate school to become a. Like, that's a pretty abrupt switch. Or it's a. It's a pretty abrupt. It's a recipe for burnout real quick. Because one of the core tenants of. Of graduate school and theology is they unwind your faith for you, right? And then they help you put it back together. Sometimes. Sometimes they just unwind it, leave you with a. With a handful of yarn, and say, all right, go make a sweater. See ya. And everybody just freezes to death out in the cold, right? All that to say is this. My big question for you is what is your body trying to protect you from either now or in the past or potentially in the future? And it's using scarcity, it's using this imagined lack of. What is it trying to protect you from? Is it that this idea that you were always told you weren't enough and now you have this woman that you committed your life to saying, okay, I want to start a family too, and you're like, oh, gosh, what happens if, like, I don't know if I can. If you can carry that weight, what do you think your body's trying to protect you from?

[Daniel]

I don't know. And I've thought about it a lot, and it's like, I don't remember anyone ever telling me that I wasn't enough or that I wasn't good enough.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you believe that?

[Daniel]

I know in my head that it's not true, but it's just. I feel like I've internalized it for so long that I've still got to. I guess I don't know what the term is de. Internalize the idea that I'm not good enough.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

In what areas do you think you're not good enough? Just be blunt and honest. Because I promise you, of the people listening to this show, you're not the only one.

[Daniel]

Look, money smarts, pretty, pretty much everything. Because I can't. It's. I'm. I'm like the worst person in the world at taking a compliment for anything. And I don't. I don't really know where that stems from. It's just. For as long as I can remember, I've just had this tendency to just think that I'm less than.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That often comes from a childhood based on performance metrics. You'll get this report card or dad will look at you with disgusting. Yeah, that mom will say something like, hey, if you do that, your dad's gonna get really, really pissed. Or your dad will say, hey, your mom doesn't like that. You need to stop because your mom's gonna. And you realize at a really young age, oh, it's your job to make sure the adults are okay.

[Daniel]

Yeah, there was a, there was a good amount of that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you end up carrying this really heavy weight, which essentially tells a young child, you must do X, Y or Z or we will withhold our love and affection for you. And intellectually, you know that's not true. You know their parents love you. But in your nervous system, your tiny little body, your 14 year old body, when it was starting to get armpit hair and a little bit taller, it saw your dad's face, it felt that reactor in your mom's chest. It saw her go when you needed new shoes, or when you said, hey, mom, I'm out of deodorant. And she was down to her last dollar and she went, and you realized, oh, my body odor causes my mom stress. It's a little bitty pebbles in a backpack. And you suddenly wake up and you're older and that backpack's heavy. And the only way I've seen people work through this is to be very specific about the things they believe they lack in and to do two things. Number one, find usually a group of people, a counselor, a spouse, and a couple of buddies to outsource it in the short term. I still do this to this day. I will walk out of my closet and I'll look at my wife before I'm headed out to a speaking event where they're paying me an ungodly amount of money to come speak to somebody's company. And I'll say, do I look okay? Or ask? Or I'll say, is this shirt look, look okay? And what that means to my wife is I don't, I don't feel very attractive today. I feel like I've put on £10. I feel all bloated. I don't, I don't feel like I look good in this. And she just goes, shirt looks great. And I have learned to trust her that she's not going to send me out into the world. My social media person, her name is Lauren, I was pushing back on a video she wanted to post. Like, I look like this. And she stopped me and she said, my job is to make you look good. Let me do my job. And I went, okay. So when I don't believe It, I trust, I trust them. I outsource it. Kelly, all the time I'm like, I didn't think I handled that call. Kelly will say, no, you did that call. That call is great. All right. I didn't feel it, but I trust her. Okay, that's number one. Number two, you have to do the work in those areas where you know you have lack. Do you need to lose 30 pounds? Do you need to go to graduate school? Do you need to slow down and not quit your job yet, even though it quote unquote, doesn't feel fulfilling? Do you need to put in six months or 10 months or a year of hard work at a job just doing everything they ask, plus more, and then deciding a year from now, is grad school in Christian ministry the thing to go do right this second or hey, honey, let's read a book. I've never been married. You've never been married. We just took on this big responsibility. We don't even know how to do it, and now we're just staring at each other 10 months in. You see, you get, you get what I'm saying?

[Daniel]

Yeah, no, I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's some outsourcing and then there's some metrics. And then for you, brother, you've got a number. What's your number? What's your, oh, then I'll be okay. Number in savings.

[Daniel]

I, I, I don't. It changes constantly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What was the last one?

[Daniel]

Oh boy. Well, the thing is, it's gotten to the point where I've just kind of resigned myself to, well, I'll know when I find it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, that's a.

[Daniel]

Do anything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, yeah, that's. You don't want to go down that road. Here's the math problem I want you to solve. Six months of you get fired and your wife gets fired. Can y'all maintain your house, your vehicles, food and your utilities? You wouldn't go out to eat anymore. You'd probably have to cut your subscriptions. But could y'all make it for six months?

[Daniel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to write down that number and then I want you. Anything beyond that, I want you to put, begin to spend it. I want you to begin to save it. I want you all to start working towards a house, working towards kids. You have a 529 plan. I want you to begin thinking about your kids future. 529 plans. I want you to say, we've got this number beyond that. Is my body trying to protect me from something else. I'm gonna go solve that something Else, because it's not about math. And here's what you have to do. You have to practice, be uncomfortable. Some people, it sounds crazy, have to put I will buy myself a thing in their budget because they struggle with scarcity. Others like me have to say I won't buy all these things because I try to soothe myself with purchases. Some people have to put in there. I will be reckless with the way I tip today. That would be probably the place I would recommend you start is finding one person a day that you can bless financially once you've reached that six month mark. And what you're doing is you're practicing a muscle of giving away. And you're gonna do it 10 bucks at a time, 30 bucks at a time. You and your wife are gonna go eat somewhere cheap. You're gonna spend 30 bucks on your meal and you're gonna tip $50. So the whole meal is 80 bucks out the door. And you're gonna feel it, but you're gonna wake up the next day and you're not gonna be dead. It's going to be like that snake analogy. You're going to expose yourself to lack intentionally. I'm going to give it away and bless somebody else. And what you're going to find is, oh, we're okay, we made it to the next month. We made it to the next month. Okay, we're, we're okay, we're doing it, we're doing this. All right, so you're practicing giving, you're practicing spending. And then I also want you to look at your clutter in your house. How much crap do y'all have? Clothes collections, toys, this is that 809 screwdrivers. Begin paring down some of your things. Give your body a chance to breathe. Hang on the line. I'm gonna send you a copy of Building a Non Anxious Life. I'll hook you up with that book and I want you and your wife to read it together and it can be your roadmap for your new marriage. Come up with that number. Six months of an emergency fund. And then beyond that, begin practicing long term investing. Practicing saving for a thing, a house. A down payment of 2010, 5%. I don't care. Begin giving money away. You're not going to be able to, to think your way out of this. You're gonna have to act your way out of this and outsource your way out of this. Call me anytime. My brother. You're in for a long ride because I think you got some unwinding to do from when you were younger. But man, I. I need you to hear me say this. You are on the right path. Thanks for call. We'll be right back. Okay. I want to tell you about my friends at Cozy Earth. Over the last few weeks, my sleep has been off. I've been spending more time on screens than I like and I'm traveling all over the place. I'm just feeling disconnected. Here's the deal. Starting this year off, right starts with good sleep period, full stop. And that means creating a space that helps you rest. For me and my family. That's where Cozy Earth comes in. Their bedding is soft, breathable, and it keeps us cool and comfortable all night. It helps us create that perfect sleep sanctuary that we all need to be restored. My wife sleeps in the Cozy Earth's long sleeved bamboo pajama set every night. She loves them. And my whole family is in love with the Cozy Earth sheets and bedding and the bath linens that have the best towels in. And just this morning, my son came downstairs wearing my Cozy Earth cityscape hoodie that he stole from my closet. Listen, let's do a restart this year. Let's put down the phone, let's set a regular bedtime and get comfortable when possible. Let's everybody keep their own clothes and let's invest in our sleep all with Cozy Earth. When we sleep and rest well, we show up better for ourselves and our families. And right now, Cozy Earth is offering a 40% off discount code exclusively for my listeners. Visit cozyearth.com and use code DeLoney for 40% off. That's cozy. C O Z Y cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code Deloney at checkout. All right, let's go out to Atlanta and talk to Chase. Hey, Chase, what's going on, man?

[Chase]

Hey, how's it going, Dr. John?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, brother, what's up?

[Chase]

So kind of, I guess the short version of my question is just how do I continue to heal and move on after finding some things in my girlfriend's phone that I didn't know about?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are you?

[Chase]

19.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How long you all been together?

[Chase]

Two and a half years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so this is like a first young love?

[Chase]

You could say that, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, I'm not knocking it. It's like the best thing in the world.

[Chase]

Yeah, it's been great. She's awesome. I love her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What'd you find?

[Chase]

Work. So, and hidden folder of her photos. There were pictures of her and her ex boyfriend together and also just some screenshots of like text with other Guys that I didn't know about.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old were those text messages?

[Chase]

They were? So they were from kind of the middle of when we first started talking. We. We had met about three years ago now, I guess, in September and met at a mutual friend's birthday party. Kind of started talking a little bit. The first texts that I saw were her confessing feelings for a guy just a few weeks after we had met.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, then I don't. I don't have a problem with that.

[Chase]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I guess my bigger concern is why'd she save them?

[Chase]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or did she save them in a secret phone and just fold and just forget about it?

[Chase]

Yeah, that. That's kind of the part that I've struggled with a little bit, because part of it too is. I mean, so those texts were a few weeks after we had met. Then we texted a little bit. Not a whole lot came of it. The other screenshots were from after we had texted the first time. And then about a month after she texted that other guy, we started texting again and have been together since.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But yeah, bro, y'all were 16, dude. I would let that ride.

[Chase]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, you're 16 years old. Sophomores, right? Juniors.

[Chase]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And texting doesn't mean I've got exclusivity. If you found messages from a couple months ago, from a year ago, if you found messages from her and her boyfriend, or if the pictures she had or her and him with no shirts on, like, and it's all oogly woogly, then yeah, I would sit down and have that conversation. But I. I guess I'm struggling with. With you. Like, what do you need to heal and move on from? Like, what are you trying to heal from?

[Chase]

I guess just like the way that she had kind of always told me, or I guess the story that I always knew about the beginning of our relationship was like, once I met you, there was no looking back.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why were you digging around on her phone?

[Chase]

I'm not sure. I guess just. I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know, just say it.

[Chase]

I guess just insecurity on my part.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What are you insecure about? You've been together for two and a half years.

[Chase]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

One of two things. Either you've sent some messages to people over the last two and a half years, or you're worried that she has. Either you've been kind of flirty and wondered about the long term viability of this relationship and you've wondered what it'd be like to be with somebody else and you assume that she's wondering that too. Or she turns her phone over every time you walk in the room. Or she has a code on her phone and won't let you look in there. Where's this insecurity coming from?

[Chase]

It's not on the side of me being flirty or texting. I guess there's like, I just have a habit of jealousy and comparison. And I guess just there's really any time of like, a mention of anybody else, it just like, not even in like a weird, hey, this guy, like, is awesome, or like talking about this other guy or whatever, but just any mention of like, hey, this guy in my class said I look pretty today, or, you know, anything like that. It's just. I guess I just kind of get consumed with the jealousy and insecurity and comparison of me and him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And where does that stem from? Man, that's super, super unhealthy. You're gonna blow through every relationship you have.

[Chase]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because if you're dating somebody that you find beautiful and attractive and radiant, you want to be around them. Other people are going to want to also. And that's not an indictment of your relationship. I want other people to think my wife's pretty.

[Chase]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I mean? I want other people to think my wife is brilliant and smart and fun to be around. I want that. Where does that insecurity come from?

[Chase]

I'm not exactly sure. I've. I've thought a lot about it. I think some of it is from, I guess, like, the girl that I was kind of with before. Me and my current girlfriend, we never actually dated because I knew that she wasn't the girl that. The kind of girl that I wanted or needed to date. And she was just super manipulative when it, I guess, came to, like using other guys.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. But here's what I want you to do. That's when you were 16 and 15 years old. I don't want you to blame her.

[Chase]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

For how you're acting as a 19 and a half year old. I want you to take ownership. If you get consumed with jealousy, with rage, just because somebody in your wife's. I mean, your girlfriend's class says she's pretty. A, your. Your girlfriend's telling you that because she wants to get a rise out of you. B, it works every time. It gets you all stirred up.

[Chase]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I want you to dig into that because that's going to be a cancer in your life, and it's going to lead you to do things that otherwise you wouldn't do. It's Going to lead you to become a person you don't want to become a guy who thinks he's got territory, Right. That treats his significant other as. As a possession, not in the romantic way, but in the ownership way. It's gonna. You're gonna be the guy that doesn't tell one of your co workers about an opportunity because you don't want them to have it.

[Chase]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so the. The challenge for you is when you feel this. It's to put your fist in your chest and take a huge deep breath and recognize it. Oh, man. My body's trying to protect me from feeling less than. I'm gonna go for a walk real quick. And when you're going for a walk instead of going through every scenario, I knew she's banging other dudes, dude. I knew it. I knew she's calling. Instead of doing that, you can get yourself all worked up and fired up and your body won't know the difference. Or you can exhale and say, I love that girl and she loves this guy and we're on the same team. If another guy thinks she's beautiful, good on him. He knows what's up. And I want you to practice that. But jealousy doesn't just show up here. It shows up in your finances. It shows up when your buddies get new jobs. It shows up in college. It shows up in other places. It's going to be a cancer in your life. And what's going to do. It's going to lead you to go through your girlfriend's phone, man, and dig into old secret folders that she might even remember.

[Chase]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I'm saying? What did she say when she found out you went through her phone?

[Chase]

She didn't necessarily ask why. I guess she was just more.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You.

[Chase]

Know, sorry that all that was there and that, like, I guess that I saw it because she knows it was probably not like an easy thing for. To me. For me to look at. And I mean, I guess her explanation was just like she. I mean, she knew it was there, but also forgot that it was there at the same time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So unless I'm missing something, it feels really benign to me. And here's the thing. My opinion doesn't matter if you found yourself to where, like, I'm not going to be able to get past this. You told me when we started, when I first time I texted you, which, by the way, that's a whole other conversation that you are not texting anybody else. And I was the only texter for you. And two and a half years ago, when you were 16, you fudged the truth. And you were still texting other guys at the very beginning. If you can't move past that, that's your. That's your life. It's your world. You get to do that. But you can't drag her two and a half years later through your relationship issues. You gotta let her go. Yeah, if you can. There's a reason we don't let 16 year olds buy beer or guns. They're 16. They're dumb. They make do dumb stuff. I guarantee you did dumb stuff when you were 16. I for sure did. Right?

[Chase]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So if what you found of your early teenage girlfriend's phone, a pictures of her with an old boyfriend on some secret folder, if you found old text messages that she'd screenshot, if you. If that invalidates the last couple of years of y'all dating and getting to know each other as y'all got older, so be it. Cool. Let her go. If you say, I don't know why I'm getting so mad, dude. I think I. I think I actually care about this woman and I love her. And then I see a future together. Oh, my gosh, man, this is scaring me. I. Did I even have this kind of love and attraction and feeling inside my own chest. That's wild. Then deal with that.

[Chase]

Yeah, I guess that's kind of. That's more where I'm leaning to is like, I don't know why, like, this is the girl that, like, I want. Like, to be honest, I want to marry and like, build a future with.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I want you to become marryable. If you have found the person that you want to marry, your. The work that lies ahead of you is not to go through and screen her past. Dig through her private things as a way to duct tape over your insecurities. Your job is to face your insecurities head on. Do I have a career plan for myself? Am I working towards a purpose that's bigger than me? What kind of dad was my. What kind of dad did. Did my dad model for me? And is that the kind of dad I want to model for my kids? What kind of marriage did my parents have? And did they model that. Is that what I want to model my marriage after? And if not, get to work. Go see a counselor, go get a gym membership, go to college, go get an apprenticeship, start making a budget, work three jobs because you're 19 years old. Are you in school right now?

[Chase]

Yeah, I am.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What are you studying?

[Chase]

Sports management.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You don't sound very Convinced about it?

[Chase]

Well, my, my major is sports management, but I'm also getting prerequisites to go to PT school, so I kind of have to give a disclaimer whenever I answer that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But do you not want to do sports management? You want to do physical therapy?

[Chase]

As of right now? Yeah. That's the goal. Physical therapy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I had a physical therapist with a PhD in my house this weekend working on my shoulder and my arm. I screwed my arm up. Yeah, she's magic. Magic changed my life. Makes me a better dad because I'm not in pain all the time. Quit being sports management and go full into PT if that's what you want to do and work really hard so you don't get out. Like some of my friends in PT and they owe $190,000 and they're going to make 65 grand right out of school and start working part time in a physical therapist office helping people like me with their rehab. You see what I'm saying? Like go in, do the thing that you want to do instead of having to like kind of duck your head and kind of laugh. Like, I'm managing, I'm majoring in this, but I kind of want to. Do you see what I'm saying? And here's all this. I'm pointing to you. Stand up on your two feet tall. Don't get jealous about petty things. Put your flag in the ground on the things that matter. Start reaching towards a future purpose. By the way, if you want to become a physical therapist because it thinks you can, you're going to get rich. You're going to have a miserable life. If you want to be a physical therapist because you want to help people become better dads and wives and mothers and sisters and brothers and daughters, help people move. And by the way, if you get into geriatric PT right now for the next 15 to 25 years, you're going to have a billion dollars because of our aging population. So if you want to get in there and help people, I'm telling you right now, your, your head's going to start to lift up.

[Chase]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you're going to let your 16 year old girlfriend off the hook for some. She did three years ago, two and a half years ago. But do you get what I'm saying when I say become a marriable man, not a, not a man worthy of being loved, you're already that. But become somebody that you can feel confident looking at somebody else and saying you can anchor into me, because that's where that insecurity Originates from you don't believe that. Is that fair?

[Chase]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think, dude, I think you're. I think you're on the path. I think if I'm you, here's what I. Here's your next steps. Number one, I would apologize to your girlfriend tonight for going through her phone. I would say, hey, I should not have picked up your phone and dug into your old folders. That was my insecurity, and I'm sorry. I am scared at how much I love you, and I'm scared at. Oh, my gosh, the road that is my future is starting to open up before me, and I am picturing you with me, and it scares me because I don't know what that looks like. And I got into sports management because it sounded cool, and I. My dad told me about Jerry Maguire, but I want to be a physical therapist. I want to go all in on that, and I got to get my grades up here, and I got to start studying here, and I'm gonna have to work nights over here, but I'm gonna go all in on this, and I'm gonna want to. I want to become the man that provides a life for whatever world you want to have. And now you're starting to throw your shoulders back, stand up taller, and you're not looking for. I want to feel good by whatever's in your phone. And you do what I say, and you text who. Now I'm going to begin to find confidence and strength and esteem through repeatedly doing the next right thing. Becoming a marryable man, becoming a hireable man, Becoming a man that when somebody like me comes in after a knee surgery and says, hey, can you help me? You look at me in the eye and go, I got you. We're gonna have you dunking a basketball soon, by the way. I can't dunk a basketball. That's how we deal with the insecurity inside out. So I'd start with an apology, brother, and go from there. This is the one for you. You're gonna have tons and tons of stumbles and roadblocks and hurdles and falling down. That's gonna be the. The path. Be a confident, strong, courageous man that you can be anchored into so that when those storms hit, you're not whipping around going through people's phones, for God's sakes. Thanks for the call, brother. I can't wait to see what happens next for you. We'll be right back. Okay, before we get back to the show, let's talk about organify. Good folks. Health and wellness is an adventure and a journey. It's not a destination. You can never eat so great or work out so hard on one particular day that you're good for the entire next month. Being well and being healthy is something you work on every single day. And I'm not perfect by a long shot. And you're probably not either. Our health and wellness journeys have stops and starts and highs and lows, victories and setback. And one way to make your journey easier is to make consistently healthy choices about what you eat and drink. This is why I love organifi because their whole food blends contain only the best. They're plant based, certified organic, vegan, dairy free and soy free ingredients. And organifi makes it super easy to get the benefits. Just mix it with water or your favorite healthy beverage. That's it. Their green juice is great in the morning. It's packed with superfoods that help boost your energy, calm your mind and support you throughout the day. An organifi red juice is loaded with antioxidants to help with focus, stamina and recovery. Make Organifi part of your health and wellness journey. Go to Organifi.com DeLoney right now to save 20% off at checkout with code DeLoney that's Organifi O R G-A-N-I F I.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney for 20% off. All right, we're back. Kelly, can you imagine this? Can you imagine being 16 or 17 and having all of your like flirty romantic back and forth written down on some server somewhere? No.

[E]

And thank God that I was raised in an era where that's not the case.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know there are letters I've written haunt me that are going to come back one day.

[E]

And I'm so glad that I had my stupid. Especially like that where that guy, you know, 19 to like 25 year old faze without cell phones, without digital pictures.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No record. No record.

[E]

There's a shoebox in the closet that I probably should burn that has pictures of my wild days and that's where it needs to stay. It doesn't ever need to. I don't have to worry about it popping up somewhere.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. I don't know much, but I know that I'm glad that that part of my life is not recorded.

[E]

Amen.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I.

[E]

Because the stupid things that were said that these days would get you fired or canceled or whatever. You know that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean I wasn't that kind of person.

[Chase]

No.

[E]

But you know, just the stupid things we all say.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I spent so much of my time serving the poor and in like, church Bible studies.

[E]

Really.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, you can get this show one week early on the Ramsey. You can download it in the show notes. Nah, I'm just glad. Listen to you younger folks. Just don't. Just don't write it all down. Just don't write it all down. There's going to come a moment when AI pushes a button and it makes every text ever sent public sortable by name. That day's gonna come. Whoa. In the meantime, go to the Ramsey Network app. You can download this show and click subscribe on YouTube and leave me a five star review that says this is wonderful. Love you guys. Bye. Hey, what's up, folks? Big news. The Dr. John DeLoney show is now available officially full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right. You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.