How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show Episode Title: How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone? Release Date: March 7, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of The Dr. John Delony Show, host Dr. John Deloney delves into the pervasive issue of excessive phone usage within marriages and its impact on relationships. Through a series of heartfelt calls from listeners grappling with similar challenges, Dr. Deloney provides insightful advice on fostering healthier communication, addressing underlying emotional barriers, and rebuilding trust. This episode not only addresses the surface-level concern of phone addiction but also uncovers deeper relational dynamics that contribute to such behaviors.

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Caller 1: Martin from Denver, Colorado Topic: Communicating Concerns About Wife’s Phone Use Without Causing Defensiveness

Background:
Martin opens up about the strained dynamics in his marriage, particularly focusing on his wife's extensive phone use. He shares that the first nine years of their marriage were marred by his emotionally abusive behavior, leading to walls between them. His tendency to criticize his wife for not maintaining the household, often attributing it to her phone usage, has resurfaced causing renewed tension.

Discussion & Insights:
Dr. Deloney emphasizes that Martin's longstanding patterns of behavior are the root of the current communication barriers. He advises that unless Martin addresses his past treatment of his wife, false assumptions and defensive reactions will continue to hinder their interactions.

Notable Quotes:

• Martin (00:05): "How can I talk to my wife about her cell phone use without causing defensiveness?"
• John Deloney (02:39): "You're never gonna get through that barrier until you'll deal with the way you treated her in the past."
• John Deloney (07:24): "You can't solve that for her, is what I would say."

Conclusion & Recommendations:
Dr. Deloney suggests that Martin must first heal from his past behaviors and genuinely engage in emotional regulation to create a safe and trusting environment. He encourages Martin to initiate a dialogue focused on mutual understanding and rebuilding their relationship foundation, rather than solely addressing the phone issue.

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Caller 2: James from Los Angeles, California Topic: Addressing Hesitations About Marriage Due to Girlfriend’s Plans and Financial Concerns

Background:
James expresses his internal conflict about marrying his girlfriend, who has plans that include moving away from his family and her mother’s need for assistance. He fears the financial strain of a single-income household and worries about the lack of familial support for their future children.

Discussion & Insights:
Dr. Deloney acknowledges James's apprehensions as common among couples considering marriage. He highlights the importance of ownership over personal fears and the necessity of open communication with his partner about future uncertainties.

Notable Quotes:

• James (22:24): "She wants to be a stay-at-home mom. And I'm concerned with raising a family on a single income with the potential of also supporting my future mother-in-law."
• John Deloney (26:10): "It's a 1000% chance at some point one of you gets laid off. One of your job changes dramatically."
• John Deloney (29:00): "Am I a man worth marrying? Am I a marryable man?"

Conclusion & Recommendations:
Dr. Deloney advises James to confront his anxieties by having candid conversations with his girlfriend, focusing on shared commitments and mutual support. He encourages James to build a robust financial plan and to reassess his fears by prioritizing the present relationship over hypothetical future scenarios.

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Caller 3: Elizabeth from Fort Wayne, Indiana Topic: Enhancing Husband-Children Relationships and Building Trust

Background:
Elizabeth is concerned about her husband’s inability to connect deeply with their 9 and 11-year-old children. She fears that his lack of intentional interaction may impact their daughter's future relationships and self-worth.

Discussion & Insights:
Dr. Deloney identifies several red flags, including the husband's emotional disconnection and irritability. He underscores the necessity for Elizabeth to communicate her feelings using "I statements" to avoid triggering his defensive mechanisms.

Notable Quotes:

• Elizabeth (38:23): "My husband loves our kids in the best way that he knows how, but he lacks the tools to know how to really connect with them on a deep level."
• John Deloney (46:24): "Would you fight your way back to me?"
• Elizabeth (50:30): "He's very quick to be irritable, very quick to be not judgmental, but just very irritated."

Conclusion & Recommendations:
Dr. Deloney advises Elizabeth to engage her husband in meaningful conversations about his emotional struggles and to encourage him to seek professional help, such as trauma therapy. He emphasizes the importance of intentional bonding activities and fostering a supportive environment where the husband can address his internal challenges to better connect with the children.

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Caller 4: Kelly Topic: Husband’s Inappropriate Parking Choices and Its Impact on Relationship

Background:
Kelly recounts an incident where her husband parked in a neighboring adult store’s parking lot, leading to embarrassment in their small town. She feels invalidated when he dismisses her concerns, questioning if she is the problem.

Discussion & Insights:
Dr. Deloney sympathizes with Kelly, highlighting that while neither party is inherently the problem, the husband’s disregard for her feelings exacerbates their conflict. He underscores the importance of considering how personal actions reflect on one’s partner and relationship.

Notable Quotes:

• Kelly (57:21): "I asked him if the issue arose again, I would prefer that he park somewhere else to avoid anyone seeing his truck and thinking that he was inside the store. He said he didn't see a problem with it."
• John Deloney (60:42): "If you're going to drive that truck, you're going to get caught doing that kind of stuff anyway."
• John Deloney (60:58): "Don't die on that hill."

Conclusion & Recommendations:
Dr. Deloney advises Kelly to communicate her feelings clearly and request her husband to modify his behavior to respect their relationship and avoid unnecessary embarrassment. He encourages compromise and prioritizing the relationship over individual preferences to maintain harmony.

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Overall Conclusions

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show underscores the complexity of marital relationships, where surface-level issues like phone usage often mask deeper emotional and relational challenges. Dr. Deloney emphasizes the importance of:

1. Healing Past Wounds: Addressing and resolving historical emotional trauma to prevent it from sabotaging current relationships.
2. Effective Communication: Utilizing "I statements" and open dialogues to express concerns without triggering defensiveness.
3. Personal Accountability: Taking ownership of one’s behaviors and their impact on the relationship.
4. Professional Help: Encouraging therapy and professional support to navigate complex emotional landscapes.
5. Intentional Bonding: Engaging in purposeful activities to strengthen familial bonds and create positive interactions.

By addressing both the immediate concerns and their underlying causes, listeners are guided towards building healthier, more resilient relationships.

Transcript

[Martin]

How can I talk to my wife about her cell phone use without causing defensiveness? It's hard for me to push through that and for us to get through that barrier.

[John Deloney]

You're never gonna get through that barrier until you'll deal with the way you treated her in the past. What up? What up? What up? This is Jon with a doct John Deloney show, taking your calls about your relationships, your marriages, your kids, your emotional and mental health, whatever you got going on in your life. For 20 years, 20 plus years, man, I've been sitting with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move when everything's falling apart. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to john deloney.com ask a fill out the form or leave a message and we'll holla back. Girl at you. Love to have you on the show. Let's go Colorado, Denver CEO and talk to Martin. What's up, Martin?

[Martin]

Hey, how you doing today?

[John Deloney]

I'm doing all right, brother. How about you, man?

[Martin]

I'm doing well. Thank you for having me on your show. I really appreciate it.

[John Deloney]

Absolutely, man. What's up?

[Martin]

So my question is, how can I talk to my wife about, about her cell phone use without causing defensiveness?

[John Deloney]

That's, that's, that's my favorite question of the day so far. Martin, without causing defensiveness, why is that your goal?

[Martin]

So there's a lot of background to, to the question.

[John Deloney]

Okay, let it rip.

[Martin]

So the first half of the first eight or nine years of our marriage were very emotionally abusive from my side, and it caused a lot of walls between us.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Martin]

And when I would come home from work and I would see the house is dirty or things that weren't the way I wanted them, and I would notice that maybe she was on her phone, I would automatically say, well, you've been on your phone for, you know, multiple hours. Why haven't you been cleaning the house? And that, that has led to other conversations, to other areas of our marriage. And now I feel like when I, when I talk to her about her being on her cell phone, it automatically brings up all the things from the past. And it's, it's hard for me to push through that and for us to get through that barrier.

[John Deloney]

You're never going to get through that barrier until you'll deal with the way you treated her in the past.

[Martin]

Right.

[John Deloney]

Like, you have to, you have to heal that.

[Martin]

Sure. And we spent a lot of time in counseling, and a lot of.

[John Deloney]

That'S all well and good.

[Martin]

A lot of years.

[John Deloney]

Are you different now?

[Martin]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Does she acknowledge that and accept that?

[Martin]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Martin]

But still can. So that old, that old self, I feel like she's thinking that it's still going to come up and that can still cause walls. And if I walk in the house and I see the house is dirty and I have a, the, the look on my face like I used to have on my face, she immediately goes to, she's not enough and she's not good enough. And I'm, you know, going right back to those things and I'm not sure how to get, how to get past that.

[John Deloney]

You can't. And that's the hard part. She's gonna have to make a choice. And so it's. What you're experiencing is really common. So let's take this out of this situation because it's pretty raw with you. Let's say, let's say your wife cheated on you. Okay. You walk through it all. Y'all figure it out. You get it all squared up. You decide to stay together. Y'all build something new. And then here, here you are four years later and you bebop into the house 30 minutes early. And she looks surprised and she sets her phone down, face down, really quick. Your body has a GPS pin in it. It's going to remember, oh, I know exactly what she's doing. I've seen this play out before.

[Martin]

Sure.

[John Deloney]

And as a part of having a well regulated home moving forward, two things have to be true. One, you have to call out, hey, my, my body's doing. It's. It just notice this and this and this behavior. And y'all have a plan already in action where she goes, oh, God, here's my phone. Right. You've already talked about. When I see you flip your phone over, it just sets. My body goes to set off. The second thing is, is you have to feel it, exhale and say, that was then. I wasn't safe then, but I'm safe now. That's a choice you have to make in that moment. And so your wife for eight or nine years, almost a decade, experienced living in the home with an overbearing dad?

[Martin]

Oh, yeah, big time.

[John Deloney]

Okay. And she's probably had scars from her own dad because that tends to be how those cycles work. And then she married another version of him. And so now she's in a home. You'll have worked really hard. Y'all have changed. You've changed. You've literally not just stopped getting mad about the house being a Little bit dirty to your liking, but you've let that go. Right. And by the way, I'm.

[Martin]

I'm doing my best.

[John Deloney]

Yes, well, it's. We can talk about that in a second.

[Martin]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

But I'm going to say women. But I'm saying it. People in positions of lesser power. Kids are incredible face readers. They're incredible b. Incredible body energy tuners, if you will. Because they have to. That's how they stay safe.

[Martin]

Right.

[John Deloney]

I say often women, but women are usually smaller. They're. They're a. In a more precarious position if both of you get mad. Right. So they are very good. Not always, but sometimes at identifying body language. They can feel you walk in the door, and so you can say, oh, it's good to see you. But she knows. Oh, God, he's pissed. I can feel it on him. Right. And so that means you have to do the work to regulate your nervous system. And that's not just going to counseling and learning some tips and tricks. That's you getting to the root of why in the world would something as trivial as dishes in the sink make me mad? Why would I outsource my joy to that? That's ridiculous. And then you get into other things, but that's your work to do, brother. But let's get to her. She's gonna have to choose when she sees that flash across your face to feel that less than ask herself, is it true? Yeah. I actually just sat here on the phone for five hours today and didn't do anything. Or I've been working hard all day. He just caught me. Just in this one weird moment. And she's gonna have to choose to move on, too. Does that make sense?

[Martin]

Yep.

[John Deloney]

So you can't. You can't solve that for her, is what I would say. My bigger question is, what is it about being inside her own home that she still has to hide inside of a cell phone? So think of a cell phone as Xanax. Nowadays, scrolling is a way to numb out to be present. It's like alcohol. It's like I'm here, but I'm not there. What is it about her own home that she feels like she has to hide inside of?

[Martin]

That's a good question.

[John Deloney]

Because here's the sucky thing about. Let's. Let's take the phone away. Let's pretend she drank every day. You came home and she had a tumbler full of vodka. Okay. The question we don't often ask is what is going on in her life that her body has figured out? Is this is the best way we can handle this problem? Or said in another way. Alcohol works, man.

[Martin]

Yeah. And my ultimate.

[John Deloney]

I mean, scrolling Instagram works. You can scroll for an hour and it makes part of your day go away.

[Martin]

Right? Yeah. And I feel like I've. I've. I've pushed her to that point to where she wants to do that, and it's because of my actions early in our marriage. That is just.

[John Deloney]

Ah. She's got some autonomy. She's got some autonomy.

[Martin]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

Because again, that comes back to. That puts you right back. And this is going to sound really strange. You assume a lot of power over her and probably others, too. And so here's a way to kind of deflate that. You're not powerful enough to do that for her. Does that make sense?

[Martin]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Just as same as you are not powerful enough to scare her into cleaning your house for you. You are not powerful enough to scare her into treating your kids the way you demanded they be treated or have sex with you just as much and as often as I. Whatever. You realize you don't have that kind of power. You can scare somebody and you can corral them, and for a period of time, you can force when you have a power differential. But you just set the whole relationship on fire. And you found out you didn't love that. Right. You don't even like that.

[Martin]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Much less the hell she was living in.

[Martin]

Right.

[John Deloney]

The bigger question. Go ahead. Go ahead.

[Martin]

I just. I love her so much. And I just. I want to get past this to where this isn't a thing anymore. And I. I'm just not sure what to do.

[John Deloney]

How long since you guys have really been working hard on. On practicing doing the right things?

[Martin]

Several years. Okay. Since we started doing it.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Martin]

Yeah. And we had. We had a major life shift about six years ago. We had dealt with infertility for years. About 10 years. And then we're looking at our future and what God had for us. And then she became pregnant, and now we have two boys, and it's totally changed the trajectory of our marriage. And so we've had to start to build something new. And that's caused a lot of frictions along the way.

[John Deloney]

Sure.

[Martin]

And so.

[John Deloney]

So. And you say it changed the trajectory of your marriage. We all headed towards divorce, and then she got pregnant. You'll decide to stay together?

[Martin]

No. We were like, okay, well, you know, we've been trying for 10 years, and I just. We don't think we're gonna have kids again. So now let's Start looking past when our daughter graduates high school and what that's going to look like. And we're looking in the future and now we're not going to have a house with kids. And then now we have two young kids and. Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Okay. So let's go all the way back to the beginning. Do you like Martin?

[Martin]

Sometimes.

[John Deloney]

How come?

[Martin]

A lot of self doubt.

[John Deloney]

What is that stuff?

[Martin]

I feel like I'm not. I'm not good enough.

[John Deloney]

Who told you that way?

[Martin]

I was raised.

[John Deloney]

Tell me more.

[Martin]

I was never affirmed by my father.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Martin]

And when there was issues in the house, it was always put on me.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Martin]

And my parents would fight and then my dad would leave and, and it would always, it always felt like it was my fault. And then my mom would try to protect me and coddle me through that.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Martin]

And yeah, so I have a lot of. Yeah, I fight with that a lot.

[John Deloney]

And so you, you recreated the exact same pattern where you'd walk into your own house and not feel comfortable in your own skin and you blamed her for it.

[Martin]

100.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Martin]

Even. Even more so in our house than when I was a kid.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Martin]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

And usually that, that's how, that's how family trauma rolls down generationally is. It amplifies itself.

[Martin]

Yep.

[John Deloney]

Okay. And yet here we are. So the question I want to ask you is what are you going to do now? And I want to back up and maybe this is inappropriate, but will you go with a reframe on a reframe with me for a second?

[Martin]

Sure.

[John Deloney]

Okay. For the first eight or nine years, you had a picture of your. In your head of what your life was going to look like. You're going to have kids, you're going to have chaos. It was going to be fun. It was going to be this. And you were not going to be the dad. Your dad was. And then you got a decade of infertility. And I've been there not for a decade, but for a lot of years. And what I didn't understand is how much anger got built into that because it was. And how many 16 year olds are having kids and it's what about us? And I had a picture of my house is going to be in. Every time I came home, it was a reminder of that picture's not happening. And then you did what you defaulted to how you were raised, which is everybody else needs to fix their crap. And that's why I don't feel good.

[Martin]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And then you did something that your old man never did. Here's the reframe you said, enough is enough. I'm gonna change. And you ask for forgiveness from your wife. Is that right? And you did something crazy in your line of men, and that's go to a therapist. Is that right?

[Martin]

Oh, yeah.

[John Deloney]

Yeah. And you've been trying and working hard, and you've been doing the. Doing the actiony things for the last couple of years. So I'm going to tell you something I don't think you would expect me to say to you. I'm proud of you for the work you're doing. You're changing the whole thing.

[Martin]

Thank you.

[John Deloney]

I know it's cool in academic circles and in Hollywood movies to flip a switch. That's not how it works in real life. And you've put in a ton of work. And so I want you to think of the work you've done over the last two years. You and your wife is the whole house fell down. And y'all have been doing the worst part of building a house, which is leveling a foundation, re. Digging it out, breaking up the concrete, repouring it, leveling it, having to do the porch again. And this thing's off. And that back corner sagging. You finally got the foundation poured. And now in the phone is just a. It's a proxy, dude. It's. It's a. It's the light on your dashboard.

[Martin]

That.

[John Deloney]

Your wife is uncomfortable in her own home, in her own skin.

[Martin]

Yep.

[John Deloney]

Okay. And my guess is your energy coming in the door tells her the exact same thing about you. So this is a beautiful moment after a couple years of hard work that you and her get away and you set it up. You deal with the childcare, you deal with all of it. You get away for half a day, or you get away for a day and you sit down and say, I'm going to go one layer deeper, and I'm going to. I want this house to feel safe, and I want you to feel alive inside this house. What must be true for us to build the house we want to build. Now.

[Martin]

I can do that.

[John Deloney]

And here's what some of the questions look like. Not why won't you get off your phone, but how could I love you in a way that made being on your phone like a total useless waste of your time? What is a way that I could contribute to making this house feel so safe, that this is the place that you think of more than any other place in the world where you want to be?

[Martin]

I want that for sure.

[John Deloney]

Yeah, I know you do. You've been putting in the work, man. I'm proud of you.

[Martin]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

If you'd call me six years ago, this would be a very difficult Right. But I, I see you putting it in, man.

[Martin]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

How old are your kids?

[Martin]

25. 16. 5 and 3.

[John Deloney]

Oh my gosh. Geez. Dude. You have a 3 year old?

[Martin]

Yes, sir. And he is an absolute joy.

[John Deloney]

Of course.

[Martin]

Oh, I just love him to death.

[John Deloney]

He's finally got mature parents.

[Martin]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

Whose self worth isn't hinging on how he acts in any given moment. Right. So what if you with a smile on your face said, hey, honey, we survived. I love you more than life itself. I'm all in. And you stayed with me. And I see the work you've done and I'm so grateful that you hung in there with us. Now we've. We've. We've chosen a marriage where we're working on the activities, but we're choosing a marriage that is adventure free, that is novelty free. That is life free. We. We get in a routine, and some part of having a three year old is about routine. You just got to do the same thing over and over every day and you got to grind that one out. But we get to decide how this home feels every day we walk in. We get to decide our adventure levels. So I'm going to turn off the tv. It makes me. I feel less than when you're sitting there on your phone. What are some things I could do? What are some ways I could love you to make the phone so boring and lame? What is the phone allowing you to hide from? And you've got some things you hide from too, so you can put those behaviors on the table too. Let's go there. Let's go to the deeper stuff. And at the end of the day, here's this. We've chosen this life. And that means we can choose something else. Something awesome. Start there. And man, if you both want to call me, we could keep going. I would love it. But I want Martin to start liking Martin. I want Martin to stop paying penance for who Martin used to be. I want Martin to start owning who he gets to be moving forward. And I have a feeling that will change the entire energy in your home. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. Let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent, and lent is the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter. And Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things, and they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering, prayer and even meditation. And right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called the Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus. And that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy and healing. And throughout Hallow's the Way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Roumie of the Chosen, Chris Pratt and Mark Wahlberg. You'll get to participate in experiencing life, change yourself. And this is just a tiny bit of what Hallow offers. Hallow has a huge catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more. And when you sign [e-mail] Deloney right now, you'll get three free months. So you're covered all through Lent and beyond. Go check them [e-mail] DeLoney for three free months. That's Hallow. H a l l o w.com DeLoney all right, let's talk about Delete Me, my go to provider for online safety, security and peace of mind. Listen, we all know that we live on the Internets these days. I wish this was not the case, but it doesn't matter if I don't like it. Everything in my life and in your life takes place over the Internets now. Our work, our personal messages and communications, we of our things, everything's on the Internet now. So much of our lives exist there. And because so much of our lives take place on the Internet, it's become normal to give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. And this is why I'm happy to use and recommend Deleteme. I looked at my reports that my friends at Delete Me sent me. They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers with my personal information and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. Delete Me has saved me countless hours, days even, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too. So listen, we can't really avoid the Internet, but we can make our personal data personal again with Delete Me. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all of the Delete Me plans and that comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to join DeleteMe.com DeLoney right now to sign up. That's J-O I N joinedeleteme.com DeLoney all right, let's go to Los Angeles, California and talk to James. Hey, James, what's up?

[James]

Hey, John.

[John Deloney]

What's up, dude?

[James]

Thank you for nothing much. Thanks for taking my call. I'm stoked to talk to you.

[John Deloney]

Awesome. I love talking to a Southern California guy who says the word stoked right out of the gate. I'm so happy. What's up?

[James]

You know, it's. Hey. My question today is how do I address hesitations about marriage due to my girlfriend's plans and some financial concerns?

[John Deloney]

I think the first thing is you take ownership of your hesitations and don't put them on her.

[James]

Absolutely. And I want to preface this by saying, like, we have a great relationship and I absolutely want to marry her.

[Martin]

But.

[James]

But I've also noticed that I've been internally wrestling with two hurdles that I can tell are keeping me from saying, all right, let's do this thing. So the hurdle one is she wants to move states away from my family. And I also would rather live in a different state. But I haven't fully accepted the reality of raising my kids away from my parents. And I just want my parents to be involved in my childhood's or my kids childhood. And then hurdle two is her mother is going to need assistance and my girlfriend wants to be a stay at home mom. And I'm concerned with raising a family on a single income with the potential of also supporting my future mother in law. And I currently make a good salary, but I just feel like it's not enough. And like you said on ownership, I'm just wondering if I'm holding on to not stepping up and owning these things and just saying, babe, I love you. I'm going to go through life with you and we're going to figure everything out along the way.

[John Deloney]

You just nailed it right there. Every single person I know, myself included, has had to grieve the fact that they had a picture in their head of how their parents were going to be involved. And it didn't look like that in reality.

[James]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

That was never on my wife. That was on me.

[James]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And quite honestly, it wasn't on me. My parents are grown ups. They get to do what they want to do. And because I don't come from a home of billionaires, they didn't buy me a house and a plot of land and give me a job next door to them.

[James]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And so I had to do what I thought was best for my family. Actually, me and my wife did.

[James]

Yep.

[John Deloney]

Right. And so I moved away. And I grieve. That bums me out. And they have jobs, they have lives, they I mean, they've got a whole world too.

[Martin]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Right. How, how old is your wife? Is your, I mean your soon to be wife's mom?

[James]

She's around 60.

[John Deloney]

Okay, so you're, you're projecting a potential challenge 20 years from now.

[James]

Yes, she, she does have, she's had a lot of hardships and still is having health issues and currently has someone help her out throughout the week. But I guess I'm concerned, like I'm a little stressed about being a single income home.

[John Deloney]

Okay. What's, what's, what's the number?

[James]

110,000.

[John Deloney]

No, no, not that, not your income. Not your income. I'm talking about if you sit down with your wife and you said I want to have this much money in the bank for the day, your mom says I need to move in with you, would you, would you knuckle down for two years with us and we're just going to funnel that money into an account?

[James]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And this is my commitment, this is, this is my, not my commitment to you fund. But I don't want to be an anxious mess walking around all.

[James]

Absolutely.

[John Deloney]

And do you know if mom has, if her mom has support, if there's federal programs, if there's money?

[James]

I don't believe so.

[John Deloney]

Do you know that to be true though?

[James]

I know that she gets assistance through the government right now.

[John Deloney]

Okay. So I don't know that I would count on that. Just going away maybe. Who knows what's gonna happen in 20 years.

[James]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

But let me, let me pan back 30,000ft and look at this. With you up in the clouds looking down. Okay.

[James]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

There's a 1000% chance you'll have struggles your first year of marriage.

[James]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

There's a thousand percent chance at some point one of you gets laid off. One of your job changes dramatically, You've got a wild swing up or down in finances. One or both of your. If y'all stay married long enough, all of your parents will pass away.

[James]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

All of your parents will do something at some point that you wish they hadn't done. Revolving on your grandkids or your marriage or something.

[James]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And so trying to pre solve all of those problems, or as Brene Brown says, trying to dress rehearse tragedy. What it does is it does two things. Number one, it's, it's fake, it's false. It gives you a false sense of security that you have any idea what it's going to actually feel like when your mom passes?

[James]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Any idea what it feels like when your mother in law decides I'm moving in. And of course that's the month your wife's going to find out she's having twins, right? Yeah. Or that you thought it was going to feel like when there's a big economic correction and everybody's job goes like dress version. There's something about having a math problem. Right. I'm with you. I'm with. Want a number? I want a number in savings account. It's my emergency fund. I'm. I'm with you on that. But anything else is me using future pain as a way to numb a. A current present day decision I need to make. It's a Xanax. Okay, the. The second part of it is, here's the only question you need to ask yourself. Will I wake up every single day and come what? Make good stuff, bad stuff. I will make it my mission to love you in the best way that I know how. And part two to that is vulnerably, will you make that same commitment that you'll wake up every day and decide to love me the best way you know how? Because together we can get through anything.

[James]

Yeah, that's. That's beautiful. And she's the type of girl that will do that. She'll do that with me and I'll do that with her.

[John Deloney]

So are you in?

[James]

I'm in. I'm all in.

[John Deloney]

Game on.

[James]

Game on.

[John Deloney]

Okay. If you get married and mom needs a place to go and wife says the only right move is mom to move in with us, then y'all figure that problem out together.

[James]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And if you say, I see what's coming and I don't want to have a mother in law living with me, then break up with your girlfriend and set her free. But holding on to one of those things and holding your girlfriend, future wife's head underwater is not fair.

[Martin]

Yeah.

[James]

And I can feel that that's a pain point for me right now. But when I go back to that 30,000 foot view like you said, like, she's the one that I want to go through life with.

[John Deloney]

Okay. So it might be you saying, okay, what is it about having an elderly person in my house? Is it that I can't walk around in my underwear? Is it that I'm worried about money and if it keeps coming back to your fear of money? I grew up in a home that it was sketchy on groceries sometimes. Yeah, we never went hungry, but man, it was pretty dang close. And my dad borrowed a lot from groceries sometimes.

[James]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

So the challenge was me working through my money anxiety had Nothing to do with wanting to take care of an elderly woman in the most honorable way possible. Had to do with I felt less than an insecure.

[Martin]

Yep.

[John Deloney]

And that's a me problem. That's a you problem. Right.

[James]

Exactly. Exactly.

[John Deloney]

And by the way, brother, if you're like 99.9% of us, you're still gonna feel nervous. It's okay. How long have you been together?

[James]

Almost two years.

[John Deloney]

Okay. How old are you? I'm 32, man, you know?

[James]

I know.

[John Deloney]

So what's the hang up? Give me a ten second hang up.

[James]

I think right now I see my sister with her kids and my parents and I see that picture that I had in my mind. It's just tough for me, you know, like when I grew up, we were at my grandparents all the time and running around in the cul de sac and it's tough to, I guess, remove that, you know, from my future kids.

[John Deloney]

When you think of it that way, you've made it an item of scarcity.

[James]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

It was an awesome blessing that you had grown up like that. It was amazing.

[James]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And the world is different now.

[Martin]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And it's very, very expensive to start a young family in California.

[James]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

It's prohibitive. And so what does it look like to like me and my family just did the other day? Have some adoptive grandparents on your street. My son still goes when we go to West Texas. There was a Ms. Tarver who lived next door. She was in her late, late 80s, maybe early 90s. She would share fig Newtons and he would pull up little weeds in her garden. They hung out. My son was 2, he was 3, he was 4. They were best buddies. I would have done anything for that. To be my mom. But it wasn't. My mom was a professor in another state, in another town. And so I grieve. Like, oh man, that would be. And it made my grandparents house that. I mean my, my parents, my kids grandparents house that much more special when we went and visited, it made it a magical place. To the point now that my son says he has to live a minimum of one hour away from me just because he wants it to be magic when he comes home. All I have to say is you get to inject what happens next. The joy, the laughter, the fun, the excitement. And none of it trying to recreate your childhood a won't be what you remember it to be in reality, but also, man, it robs you of any future adventure you can stumble into and think of you the way your sister's doing it right now. That's like her having a car that you want. That's cool. I can't afford that car. Sweet. That would be awesome. We get to come once every four months and visit mom and dad, and it's magic for the kids, by the way, you don't have any kids yet. It's like four or five years down the road. Right. And have, hey, this is important. Have the values conversation. Your wife has said, hey, if we have children, I want to be a stay at home mom. Cool. What must be true financially for us then. And let's start planning for that right now. Let's don't get surprised and go bananas like young couples in their early 30s do financially when they find themselves dual income. Let's go out every night. Let's just. Let's us live hyper, intentional. So after 24 months, we don't owe anybody anything in the world except for a mortgage. Let's don't go out to eat a whole bunch when we're newlyweds. Let's just grind it and grind it and get a humongous emergency fund so we're safe. And then we get have our first kid. We can all exhale. It's going to be awesome. Just how we planned it. And my last thing to you, James, before I let you go. Almost always when I talk to a young man who's like, I don't know. I don't know. I should. I know everything's right. That guy, when he looks in the mirror, doesn't believe he's worth hitching his wagon to. So you've talked to me about her, your future wife. You've talked to me about her potential mother's health challenges. You've talked to me about your parents and potential moving and finances. I want you to look in the mirror and ask yourself, am I a man worth marrying? Am I a marryable man? And the answer to that question is yes. But underneath that is, what are the things you need to lean into? Your tendencies, your addictions, your challenges. Places where you want to grow. Lean in there. And that's a problem for you to fix, not for the external world to come solve for you. Thanks for the call, my brother. Send me a picture. When y'all decide when y'all gonna get married. If you get married in Nashville, I'll come. Party on, dude. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks, let's talk about Helix. All right, do me a favor. Close your eyes and think about your mattress. Be honest. Is it lumpy and gross and full of weird stains and do you think about how comfortable your home mattress is every time you're staying out of town or staying in some hotel? You know it and I know it. Your entire life would be better if you had an amazing comfortable mattress that let you fall into deep, refreshing sleep every time you lay down. It's time for you to check out the mattress that I sleep on and that my entire family sleeps on. Helix mattresses. And I'll tell you this, my Helix mattress has helped me get to sleep faster and sleep deeper, so I wake up more refreshed. And Helix has mattresses for everybody. So no matter how you sleep, if you run hot, if your spine needs a little extra love, if you lie on your back, you sleep on your side, you sleep on your stomach, whatever Helix has got you. Plus Helix offers a hundred night trial. And every Helix mattress comes with a 10 or 15 year warranty. Right now, I want you to stop what you're doing for two minutes, get online and take the Helix sleep quiz. I did it. You should do it. You're going to find out the perfect mattress just for you and you can buy it right now and they'll ship it right to your door. Right this second. Helix has a special March sale that's tied into the big basketball tournament that's going on. And to celebrate all the brackets and buzzer beaters and Cinderellas, you can get 20% off site wide. Go to helixsleep.com deloney today for 20 off your mattress. That's Helix. H E L I x helix sleep.com Deloney with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. All right, let's go to Fort Wayne, Indiana and talk to Elizabeth. Hey, Elizabeth, what's up?

[Elizabeth]

Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

[John Deloney]

So good. How are you?

[Elizabeth]

Doing okay. Doing okay.

[John Deloney]

What's up?

[Elizabeth]

So some quick context. I have a daughter who is 9 and then I have a son who's 11. And my husband loves our kids in the best way that he knows how, but he lacks the tools to know how to, like, really connect with them kind of on a deep level. And since fathers are, you know, the examples for their daughters of how, you know, a woman should be treated, I want to address an issue now so that she won't settle for the in the future for less than she deserves. So my question is, how can I help my husband and my daughter build a better, like, more trusting, stronger relationship?

[John Deloney]

Do you realize the gravity of the question you're asking?

[Elizabeth]

I'm. I'm beginning to.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

So a couple of things. Go ahead.

[Elizabeth]

I was just gonna Say there's. There's definitely, like, an urgency in my heart to address this now because I. You know, she's half. She's halfway to adulthood. So I'm sensing that urgency now.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Two big flags shot up for me just now. Flag number one is when you say he's a great dad, but he's not. Doesn't know how to connect with him at a deep level. What does that mean?

[Elizabeth]

So I guess there is just not a lot of, like, connection or. Or intentional interaction with them. And I say them. This question is about my daughter, but, you know, it kind of applies to both of them.

[John Deloney]

So does he come home and plop on the couch and just turn a game on or go to a study. Yeah. And scroll his phone?

[Elizabeth]

That. Yep, that. Or he goes to the garage and, you know, does his thing in the garage for a while. It's just. Yeah, it's like. There's no. There's not really any intentional interaction. And then, like, you know, he. If he comes home from work and they're not in the room that he's in, you know, he doesn't, like, go seek them out. He doesn't go find them. I mean, it may be two or three hours that they're home or that he's home. I'm sorry. Before he has any interaction with them. Like, there's just not a ton of intentionality there when they do interact, you know, it's. For the most part, it's good. It's. It's normal, but you can just. Pleasant. Most of the time, it's pleasant. Yeah. They're not always, but sometimes.

[John Deloney]

So let me ask you this. This is a deeper, harder question. Okay. And he's not on the phone, so I can't talk to him. So I can only ask you questions. Okay.

[Elizabeth]

Right.

[John Deloney]

Has he learned over the last nine, 10, 11 years that he doesn't do this thing? Right. And that this is Elizabeth's home and this is how you need to do things? And he's learned that his kids don't really like him. And so he's come to the conclusion, however false it may be, that the greatest gift he can give his family is to go to work, make sure the direct deposit still functioning, and stay out of everybody's way.

[Elizabeth]

I don't. I mean, I don't. I don't think so. Maybe I don't. Maybe. I know. I mean. Okay, so this is my perspective, and I realize that there's two sides to this story, but sure, he has a lot I can tell. And I Know for a fact he has a lot of internal struggles with his own, like, self worth and, you know, depression. He. He hasn't been diagnosed with anything, but it's pretty obvious.

[Martin]

Okay.

[Elizabeth]

He's very, like, moody and irritable most of the time, or at least, you know, at least half the time. And so I guess I've. I've assumed that the disappearing is like, his way of coping. You know what I mean? Like, he doesn't have to interact. If he doesn't have to interact, then he can't be asked questions or can't be burdened with anything. That's sort of how I have interpreted what's happening.

[John Deloney]

Okay. And if you've probably. If you ever listen to the show, you hear me talk about a dance the couples get into, all couples get into. Me and my wife into. Every couple gets in the dance. And they're very hard to. To peel back.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

But one thing I want you to just ask yourself and examine is sometimes when we know that someone we love has depression or they're struggling with an anxious season. Right. And by the way, all these diagnostic things are just a symptom, a cluster of symptoms. Right, right, right. But if he knows I'm walking into the door, my wife's already cast this judgment about me and my feelings aren't even working. Right. According to her, I don't put my clothes up the right way. I don't. When I got home, I just needed to exhale for a second, but I needed to actually go into the. My kid's bedroom and knock on their door where I don't really know what to say. I don't know how to say it. And you get what I'm. Here's what I'm hearing. Across the country, men are. Are increasingly not like being at home because their homes feel like a failure factory.

[Elizabeth]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

And that's not on you, but it's something to be cognizant about that the world tells men, you need to be doing this and you have to do this. And you. If you haven't done this, oh, my gosh. And then you're not doing enough housework here, which is there's some truth to all of this.

[Elizabeth]

Right? Right.

[John Deloney]

But it has to be content, like, contextualized in. This is what works for us. Okay.

[Elizabeth]

Sure.

[John Deloney]

So answering your original question. How do. Does a. Does a dad build a. Oh, let me ask you one more thing. Here's the second thing. The second flag that went up all the way back. Jesus, we're talking too much.

[Elizabeth]

That's okay.

[John Deloney]

And again, tell me if I'm wrong.

[Elizabeth]

Okay, I will. I will.

[John Deloney]

What? Is your husband not bringing you? What, is he not providing for you?

[Elizabeth]

I don't know how to properly answer that. I would just vomit.

[John Deloney]

Just vomit it.

[Elizabeth]

Oh, boy. I would say there's definitely a lack of, like, emotional security. I just. Yeah, I kind of. He's. He seems like a ticking time bomb. Not that an explosion would be anything like, you know, he's not abusive or anything like that, but he. His moods are very unsettling to me.

[John Deloney]

My wife once told me it felt like I had a nuclear reactor in my chest.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And I never yelled. I didn't swear in our house. And of course, I would never hit anybody, anything like that. But she said, oh, I knew.

[Elizabeth]

Right.

[John Deloney]

I could feel it. Is that what you're talking about?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, his. Yeah, kind of. Yeah. His is not. He doesn't scream, but he is very, like, very harsh, very critical in his tone. And it's. He. He treats. I gotta back that up a little bit. The way that he speaks to me and the way that I see him speak to our kids makes me feel very much like a burden or an inconvenience. He's just very quick to be irritable, very quick to be not judgmental, but just. I don't know, just very, like, irritated. All very.

[John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth]

But dismissive in a way that's like, oh, okay. Like, I. He was. Yeah. So.

[John Deloney]

So here's what's important.

[Elizabeth]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

I don't want you casting that on your daughter.

[Elizabeth]

I know, and I have worried that that's been part of my thing. No, no, no, no.

[John Deloney]

You're trying to solve his relationship with her, which needs to be addressed. Okay. And I'll give you some tips on that.

[Elizabeth]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

But you have to sit down with him and have this conversation.

[Elizabeth]

I know.

[John Deloney]

Because you're hoping that if he fixes it over here, it will somehow. The greatest gift a father can give his daughters, twofold. Number one, she needs to know every single day how grateful you are that of all the daughters in the world, you got picked to get that one that she's beautiful and loved no matter what, come what may. That's number one. Number two, the greatest gift the dad can give his daughter is to, on a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day basis, love her mother recklessly.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And so you're trying to solve a problem over here. The problem is between the two of you.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. Yeah, I. I think I would agree.

[John Deloney]

So the hardest thing for most couples is that. Now here's some low level tips. Every kid is different. My son loves together time. Long drives. We drove to Texas for the holidays this year instead of flying because he loves road trips. We just. Just me and him in a car. It was awesome. He likes going hunting with me, likes going fishing with me. He likes time with. That also means when I'm out in the garage, I invite him out there all the time. He didn't always come, especially as he's getting older. Dude, when he was younger, it made every job take five hours longer.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

But he came and was awesome. So, presents with my daughter last night. We have an Olympic wrestling mat up in our living room. We wrestle. She's maniacal. And last night I gave her boxing gloves and it was like I'd unleashed a, like, round. Like, like the second boss on a video game. Like, oh, but here's the thing. It's intentional. And we.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Or I had to. I gambled a half yesterday for her. We had a Candyland tournament the other night, just talking trash. And we made. We made a bet. I lost. I had to give her a half yesterday on. On this weekend. Here's the deal. Whether it's Candyland, whether it's wrestling, whether it's kicking a soccer ball, where it's making a drive, the word there is intentional. And you just got to know what that is. The master underneath that ticking time bomb that you're talking about is, your husband's got some demons that I can almost guarantee you originated when he was a kid.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, they did.

[John Deloney]

And he has to choose. I'm gonna deal with those.

[Elizabeth]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

And if he doesn't, he is. It's. It's the old backpack analogy. He has a backpack. And when he was a kid, some. Some adults in his life shoved a whole bunch of bricks in him. And he can deal with them. He can go to a therapist. He can go to a trauma therapist. Almost every man that I know who's struggling with what your husband struggles with has some sort of abuse in their childhood.

[Elizabeth]

He did. Yeah. Yeah, Pretty bad.

[John Deloney]

Almost everyone. And every day he's at war to not scream, yell, or punch. And he's fighting so hard, and he's. He's doing good work, and it's hard to get a man on the other side of it to say, whoa, whoa, that's not. That's not the solution. The solution is just be free not to fight harder.

[Elizabeth]

Right.

[John Deloney]

Right. But you can't do that. I can't do that. He's got to decide to do that. And go sit with a trauma therapist and work through that. If he doesn't, he's choosing to take that backpack full of bricks and hand it to his kids and say, y'all carry this. I didn't want to. I didn't want to do the work to set it down, period.

[Elizabeth]

Okay, okay, okay.

[John Deloney]

But y'all need to work on Yalls marriage.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Because your kids don't want to be around him right now because they feel that nuclear reactor more than you do.

[Elizabeth]

Right, right. And I can. That's what I'm sensing.

[John Deloney]

They want to hug him, but it's like hugging an electric fence. They can't. It hurts.

[Elizabeth]

Right? Yeah. Yeah, I totally agree with that.

[John Deloney]

And then they back up, and then you get frustrated, he realizes he failed, and he just goes in the garage and the whole thing starts over again.

[Elizabeth]

Yep. That sounds right.

[John Deloney]

And I'm not saying that you just go cheer him on. Like, you're so great. Right. I get that. But you're the only person in that house that can lean into that electric fence.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. Okay, So I guess then my question would be. So I. I have in the past, and it's been a long time because he was so, like, dismissive of it, but I have in the past, said, you know, based off of your childhood, you have a lot of things you need to tackle, you know, you need to address. And he does not think that he has a problem. He does not see the issue. So do you have any thoughts or suggestions, then, on how I can bring it up to him again in a way that maybe he'll understand?

[John Deloney]

Yes. You have to use I statements. Here's why.

[Elizabeth]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

He's been fighting his whole life. And when you say, you need to do some stuff, those gloves come on instantaneous. He's like Wolverine. Those blades shoot out without even thinking about it. Because somebody's been saying, you need to satisfy my sexual desires. You need to take the blame for my failures as an adult. He's been doing that since he was a little kid.

[Elizabeth]

Right.

[John Deloney]

You're gonna turn the. Flip the script as you look at him dead in the eye, holding his hands, and say, I don't feel safe around you. I don't feel safe in my own living room. Not because you're gonna hit me, but because I keep trying to plug into you, and I don't feel loved in this house. I make money. I let you do whatever you want. I know. But I want you. Or I miss you. And I keep trying to hug you, and I keep getting electrocuted.

[Elizabeth]

That's good.

[John Deloney]

Will you fight your way back to me? Most men who had childhoods where they were hurt in some shape, form, or fashion are so vigilant about making sure the people around them are not hurt, that when they come to realize the very things that kept you safe as a kid are hurting the people that you love the most. That sometimes is the crack in the armor that they'll say, okay, I'll go talk to somebody. And by the way, when I went, met with the person that ended up walking me through the most healing adventure I've ever been on, I went in full protest after I had a PhD in counseling, by the way.

[Elizabeth]

Wow. Okay.

[John Deloney]

I was not happy to go. I went as a sort of middle finger to my wife. Oh, like, fine, watch this. I'll even go do that. And I happened to go to a trauma therapist and she's just. I felt it. She, like she, she could. She stared a hole right through me. She knew right when I walked in, she knew. And that was the first time ever I felt like, oh, man, I met my match. Okay, so it's not like a. The clouds will part, right? Here's the answer. Oh, so what do you want me to do? Go see one of those stupid counselors? Just one time when you go sit with somebody and tell them what actually h. What really happened to you? Okay, let's get back to the original question. What do you want this house to feel like when you come home? How can I love you through that? How can I love you to that? And then you have to look in the mirror. Probably get with a counselor, a couple of good friends, or a minister at your, like, whatever. Whoever you make decisions with, say, okay, here's you or what? I got a nine year old daughter. I want to be in a relationship where my daughter has a vivid feeling and a picture of what love looks like, what a marriage looks like, how a husband loves his wife. I don't have that. And how a wife loves her husband. I haven't done that well myself. I'm going to work on that. Or what? I'm going to leave. I'm just going to make peace with it. You get to decide that. Yes, everybody can have an or what statement, but every or what statement comes with choices. Thanks for the call, Elizabeth. You'll have some hard, hard conversations coming. Okay, the one piece of advice I'll give you on those conversations is write everything down beforehand. And if there's some old default behaviors that you both go to, just know they're coming. Plan for them, breathe through them and keep on moving. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. All right, good folks, listen. The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean the endless streams of lame videos or the rise of AI influencers. I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs. These things can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bon Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bon Charge products all the time, literally every single day. And I love them. And here's why. I think you're going to love them too. Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. Red light therapy can help your recovery from aches and pains, transform your skin, and even help with cellulite in stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, my infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. Like I said, I use them every day. And you can check out Bon Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks. Go to boncharge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to save 15%. That's a B O N C H A r g e bond charge.com DeLoney. Use coupon code DeLoney to save 15% off your entire order. All right, we're back. Kelly, am I the problem? Let it rip.

[Kelly]

All right, so Jill writes, my husband and I drove separately to meet family for dinner. The restaurant parking lot was full. I found a spot in a nearby lot and walked a bit. But my husband decided to save time and park in the next door adult XXX superstore parking lot.

[John Deloney]

Oh, man. Hey, I gotta props that guy. That's a great story he made up real fast on the fly.

[Kelly]

We live in a small town and he drives a very recognizable truck.

[John Deloney]

This is awesome.

[Kelly]

I asked him if the issue arose again, I would prefer that he park somewhere else to avoid anyone seeing his truck and thinking that he was inside the store. He said he didn't see a problem with it and that it wasn't his problem. If anyone came to that conclusion and that I shouldn't make a big deal of it. Am I the problem?

[John Deloney]

Man, I don't think anyone's the problem here. He's pretty obtuse, but.

[Kelly]

Because in a small town 100% people are going to.

[John Deloney]

Things like, I don't care. People think sometimes you should. And I know it's cool to, like, go through. I'm reading Anthony Demello book right now. Like, I get it. I want to not have any attachments and not have any external people judging me and not care. Fine. But sometimes my lack of, like, I don't care if my shirt's tucked in it embarrasses my wife. Right. Or I don't. Here's a good example. Can I give example? Sure. It was working here when I first submitted the first round of questions for the intimacy deck.

[Kelly]

I remember those. Yes.

[John Deloney]

I had several conversations with people that were like, what is the matter with you? Who would ever talk to their spouses about this stuff? Are you insane? And et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So it got to the point that I went home and I talked to my wife and I was like, who, by the way, had authored most of the questions. I said, hey, here's the problem. I think I work with a bunch of weirdos because I've been asking these same questions, like, at dinner parties for years. To which my wife said, yeah, you've been making dinner real weird for a long time. It's been awkward for ages. I. And then I thought back and we talked about it and we laughed. But she had asked early on our marriage, like, hey, don't. Don't ask that question at dinner with strangers. I'm like, okay, cool. So anyway, all I have to say is my obtuseness has. We probably had fewer and fewer dinner date invitations over the years, but all I'd say is, it's really him parking there reflects on her. And so, yes, it is a valid request to say, hey, would you please not park at the sex shop? And with your big pink Cadillac or whatever, he's driving his big jacked up red truck with the cow balls hanging from the back underneath. Like, like, if you're, like, if you're going to drive that car, don't park it at the, at the sex shop, please. Just. That's not ridiculous. And it's cool for him to be like, I don't care what people say. I get it. Fine. But your actions reflect in other people. So there you go. That's why I've quit asking weird things at the dinner table. Alas. What do you think?

[Kelly]

I agree. I think, I mean, it's funny, but if, you know, small town 100, someone's going to see his truck there and go, did you know where I saw dwayne's truck, you know, or whatever.

[John Deloney]

I saw them cow balls right in front of the dirty store.

[Kelly]

Exactly. And so that's 100% gonna happen. And he may not see a big deal with it at all, but she does. And it's one of those, are you really gonna die on that hill? Just park somewhere else.

[John Deloney]

That's the other thing is, bro, don't die on that hill.

[Kelly]

It's not worth dying on that hill. Just park another block, you know, further and be done with it. And he may just laugh to yourself if you think it's ridiculous. Great.

[John Deloney]

Go on about your day. Yeah. Yes.

[Kelly]

And. But realize for some reason, it makes her uncomfortable. And it's not a huge ask. I mean, it's not like she's asking him to, like, sell your truck and buy something that everyone else, you know, more inconspicuous or whatever. Just.

[John Deloney]

Here's the real problem.

[Kelly]

Park somewhere else.

[John Deloney]

He 100% went to the sex shop and she caught him. That dude, you're the problem. Busted. Busted. If you're gonna drive that truck, you're gonna get caught doing that kind of stuff anyway. No, listen, every relationship has a little low hanging annoyance. Hey, would you not. Would you fix your pants? Just fix your pants, for God's sake. Fix your pants. Hey, whenever you wear those shoes, it just. Don't wear the shoes. Geez Louise. Can we just. Could you just not park at the sex shop? God help us. I love you guys. Bye.