How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show - "How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?"

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Podcast Information:

• Title: The Dr. John Delony Show
• Host/Author: Ramsey Network
• Description: The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven program offering real talk on relationships and mental health challenges. Listeners are encouraged to engage by sending questions via voicemail or email.
• Episode: How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
• Release Date: May 23, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of The Dr. John Delony Show, host John Deloney addresses a caller grappling with negative emotions towards her in-laws, particularly concerning boundary issues and excessive gift-giving that impacts their family dynamics. The episode delves into strategies for managing in-law relationships, setting effective boundaries, and fostering a harmonious family environment.

Main Discussion: Overcoming Negative Feelings Toward In-Laws

Caller Introduction: Cindy and Will from Montreal [00:05 - 02:02]

• Cindy: Expresses resentment towards her in-laws, especially regarding the excessive gifts her daughter receives, which has led to drama and emotional strain within the family.
• John Deloney: Acknowledges the difficulty of standing up to in-laws and commends Cindy and Will for their efforts in maintaining family harmony.

Exploring the Root Cause [02:15 - 04:43]

• Cindy: Highlights that her in-laws often disregard their family's rules and wishes, particularly about gift-giving for their children. Despite attempts to reduce the number of gifts, the situation has escalated, leading to emotional confrontations and feelings of being gaslighted by the in-laws.

Will's Perspective and Shared Struggles [04:43 - 10:24]

• Will: Shares his support for Cindy and his efforts to manage his mother's behavior. He recounts a pivotal moment during Christmas when he had to confront his mother, leading to temporary improvements but ongoing challenges with minor gifts and overindulgence.
• Discussion: John emphasizes the long-term impact of overbearing in-laws, likening their behavior to manipulative tactics that undermine the family's established boundaries.

Strategies for Managing In-Law Relationships [10:24 - 14:35]

• John Deloney: Advises setting and enforcing boundaries, acknowledging that the in-laws have chosen to prioritize their way of interacting with the family. He discusses the emotional toll of not having supportive grandparents and suggests practical steps like managing gift intake and reducing in-law visits to mitigate the impact.
• Will's Father: Mentions plans for his parents to retire elsewhere, raising the question of whether to address the issue now or wait until they relocate. John responds by asserting that temporary solutions may delay but not resolve the underlying problems.

Maintaining Firm Boundaries [14:35 - 22:47]

• Cindy and Will: Continue discussing the challenges of maintaining boundaries, with Cindy expressing difficulty in avoiding nagging and resentment.
• John Deloney: Encourages open communication and consistent boundary enforcement. He suggests practical methods such as disposing of unwanted gifts discreetly and reframing their living environment to reflect their family's values and needs.

Conclusion of Main Discussion [22:47 - 14:35]

• John Deloney: Wraps up the conversation by reaffirming the importance of united fronts in enforcing boundaries. He acknowledges the emotional struggles involved but emphasizes the necessity of prioritizing the family's well-being over in-law expectations.

Secondary Discussions and Caller Interactions

Caller: Lee from Houston, Texas - Recombining Finances Post-Addiction [20:37 - 36:08]

• Lee: Seeks advice on recombining finances with her husband, who has overcome multiple addictions. While he has maintained sobriety for two years, he remains concerned about his financial responsibility.
• John Deloney: Commends Lee for her strength in separating finances during her husband's struggle and advises a gradual approach to recombining finances. He emphasizes the importance of budgeting, setting clear financial goals, and maintaining an emergency fund as safeguards. John also provides practical tools and strategies to facilitate transparent financial management between spouses.

Caller: Cindy's Mother (Neil) - Supporting Wife with Breastfeeding Challenges [39:56 - 52:43]

• Neil: Shares his struggles in supporting his wife during breastfeeding difficulties with their newborn daughter. He seeks guidance on how to effectively support her without exacerbating the situation.
• John Deloney: Offers empathetic advice, recognizing the emotional and physical toll of breastfeeding challenges. He suggests proactive communication strategies, such as pre-discussing support methods, creating a plan for difficult moments, and encouraging professional support like lactation consultants. John also recommends journaling as a means for Neil to express his feelings and maintain emotional resilience.

Caller: Anonymous Woman from Austin, Texas - Trusting Husband's Platonic Relationships [57:06 - 60:08]

• Anonymous Caller: Questions whether her discomfort with her boyfriend staying overnight at a friend's house is justified, given their past relationships.
• John Deloney: Reassures the caller, affirming her concerns as valid. He underscores the importance of maintaining trust and setting boundaries to protect the relationship's integrity. John advocates for a culture of transparency and beyond reproach conduct to prevent misunderstandings and potential trust issues.

Key Insights and Takeaways

1. Boundary Setting is Crucial:

   • Establishing and maintaining clear boundaries with in-laws can prevent overstepping and resentment within the family.
   • Consistent enforcement of these boundaries is essential for long-term harmony.

2. Unified Front Strengthens Relationship:

   • Couples should present a united front when dealing with in-laws to avoid manipulation and ensure mutual support.
   • Communication between partners is vital to navigate external pressures effectively.

3. Practical Strategies for Managing Gifts:

   • Implementing systems to handle excessive gift-giving, such as limiting the number or setting guidelines, can alleviate tension.
   • Discreetly managing unwanted gifts helps maintain peace without causing offense.

4. Financial Boundaries and Trust:

   • After overcoming addictions, recombining finances requires careful planning, budgeting, and mutual trust.
   • Maintaining an emergency fund provides security during the transition back to shared finances.

5. Emotional Support in Parenting Challenges:

   • Supporting a partner through breastfeeding difficulties involves empathy, proactive planning, and professional assistance.
   • Open communication ensures both partners feel heard and supported during stressful times.

6. Trust and Transparency in Relationships:

   • Even in platonic relationships, maintaining transparency and setting boundaries is essential to preserve trust between partners.
   • Choosing actions that prevent potential misinterpretations safeguards the relationship's integrity.

Notable Quotes

• John Deloney [00:12]: "I'm proud of you for standing up to her. Cause that was not easy."
• Cindy [02:02]: "I'm trying to find ways for me to deal with it because I'm becoming this naggy wife that I don't like."
• John Deloney [08:00]: "A manipulative, overbearing, self-declared matriarch is every bit as pompous and arrogant as a self-proclaimed patriarch."
• John Deloney [10:24]: "Minimalism isn't always right. There's a push-pull there, right? It's a teeter-totter."
• John Deloney [25:04]: "It's not we in that moment. Lee, 10 years ago, you said, for my safety and for our kids' safety, I'm taking a stand."
• John Deloney [33:56]: "Can I give you two or three pointers for how to engage in this conversation?"

Conclusion

In this episode, John Deloney provides compassionate and practical advice to callers dealing with complex family dynamics and personal challenges. By emphasizing the importance of boundaries, unified support, and clear communication, he helps listeners navigate the often tumultuous waters of relationships and mental health. The episode underscores the value of proactive problem-solving and mutual support in fostering healthy and resilient family environments.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Cindy]

How can I overcome the negative feelings I have about my in laws? There was a little bit of drama. He had made her cry.

[John Deloney]

Can I just say on behalf of husbands everywhere, and this is gonna sound trite. I'm not playing. And I know people might roll their eyes listening to this. I'm being very serious. I'm proud of you for standing up to her. Cause that was not easy. Yo, what's going on? This is John with a doct John Deloney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee. As the world is burning down around us. Hope you are making it. We are recording this. What month is it even? Are we in March? Are we in April?

[Will]

We're in April.

[John Deloney]

I don't even know when we are where we are.

[Will]

That's a problem.

[John Deloney]

It's a problem. I'm all over the place though. Traveling and then running to do this and then writing in the mornings and in the night times. And when the world burns down, I'm okay with it. When we just light matches and then dump gas on it. Golly, dude. If you are sitting at home wondering what's happening, me too, me too. And that's what this show exists is for people to pull up a chair and just to look across the table from one another and say, how can I help? How can I sit with you when whatever's happening is happening, whether it's in your homes, whether it's in politics, whether it's in your neighborhoods, whether it's in your schools. My promise is I'll sit with you and we will figure out what's the next right move. Yeah, I'm going to stop talking because I'm going to get myself all fired up, man. Let's go out to Montreal, Quebec. What's up, guys? Okay, so we got Cindy and Will from Montreal. Good to see you guys. Or I'm not seeing you guys. We good to talk to you. How about that? Yeah, me. All right, so who wrote, who wrote into the show?

[Cindy]

It was me.

[John Deloney]

Okay, so you throw the first grenade and then Will and I will sit in the shrapnel and see what happens next.

[Cindy]

All right, I'll start off with my question, which is how can I overcome the negative feelings I have about my in laws for the sake of my husband and my children?

[John Deloney]

So my first response before Will responds is what? Tell me about your negative feelings. What are they?

[Cindy]

I mean, there's a little bit of resentment because I feel that sometimes they simply do not care about our rules and wishes when it comes to certain topics, especially revolving around our Kids, give.

[John Deloney]

Me an example or two.

[Cindy]

All right, so main one that's been bugging me a lot is, and this has been ongoing for years, is the amount of gifts my daughter receives. At the beginning, it was just holidays and birthdays. But I might sound a little bit ungrateful here, but this is like nothing you've ever seen before in terms of the amount of gifts. And in the beginning, my husband has asked very nicely for it to be reduced. But then after that, it got to a point where he had to ask very not nicely, to the point where a couple of Christmases ago, there was a little bit of drama. He had made her cry. But we thought at that point that we had gotten through to her. And I say we, but in reality, it was him doing most of the talking. But actually that did not change much, and it turned into mostly gaslighting, telling him this is her right as a grandma to do these things and to drop it. And there's a reason I asked my question the way I did, and it's because I kind of given up on getting her to change her behavior. And I'm trying to find ways to.

[John Deloney]

Way to go.

[Cindy]

I'm trying to find ways for me to deal with it because I'm becoming this naggy wife that I don't like, and I don't want my husband to have to deal with me complaining. You know what I mean?

[John Deloney]

Yeah, 100%. I don't know. Any husband loves a nagging wife. All right, so, Will, tell me what's going on in your world.

[Will's Father]

So, yeah, from my perspective, I'm on board with my wife, and I support her completely. And I feel the same way in a lot of ways. You know, I construed the situation to be my parents, where it's more my mother. Okay? My father is just like, you know, tells her all the time, but she doesn't listen. So I construed the situation to be more about birthdays and events. And I put my foot down hard. I made her cry on a Christmas.

[John Deloney]

Did you make her cry or is that. Did you make her cry or is that her move? And has that always been her movement?

[Will's Father]

Well, no, her move was always, you know, I'm the matriarch. Listen, shut up. This is it. And I said, no, I'm not taking that. And I went over the hill and I put my foot down and said, these are my kids, and these are our rules. And since then, Christmases and birthdays and everything, I give her reminders weeks ahead. And I tell her, you know, hey, Keep it calm. And she does communicate with me a little bit better before Christmases and birthdays and stuff like this. But it turned into every week that she would see us, there's a new something, a little gift, a little thing.

[John Deloney]

So let me hop in here. She's been doing this to you your whole life, right?

[Will's Father]

Not just in even material things, but food. If it's not in excess, then it's not good enough.

[John Deloney]

That's right. But what I'm saying is she has blown through your feelings and emotions and what you need and what you want your whole life.

[Will's Father]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Right. So can I just say on behalf of husbands everywhere and dads everywhere, and this is gonna sound trite. I'm not playing. And I know people might roll their eyes listening to this. I'm being very serious. I'm proud of you for standing up to her. Because that was not easy, was it?

[Will's Father]

No.

[John Deloney]

A manipulative. A manipulative, overbearing, self declared matriarch is every bit as pompous and arrogant as a self proclaimed patriarch. I'm the man of this house. It can be just as obnoxious when it's I' patriarch of this house. And you will all. And you've been dealing with that crap your whole life. And you stood up on behalf of your wife and your kids and you. And I'm proud of you. Okay, thank you. You did not make her cry. That was her move number two. That's when a bully gets punched in the nose and then goes running to the teacher and says he hit me. Forgetting the fact that that bully has been messing with you for months and years on end. Right? So crying just the. That's, that's. That's manipulation tactic part two. It's just another way to.

[Will's Father]

I said as much to my father after she cried, you know, like. And he, he expressed and said he felt the same way that he'd been rolled over his whole life.

[John Deloney]

There you go. But here's the deal. He's taken that and that's the life he's chosen to live. You can't impact that. Right? And so here's your next move. Y' all have to begin to not speak your boundaries. You have to begin to live them. And what that means is she has opted out of y' all seeing her every week. That's a choice she made. And your dad has chosen this life. And so because he's chosen to attach himself to somebody like this, he has chosen to not see your. Your, Your kids. And y' all are going to have to Grieve the fact that every young kid needs grandparents that are on their side. And y' all don't have. That does that. How does that. How does that. How does that sound?

[Cindy]

That's difficult.

[John Deloney]

How come?

[Will's Father]

Our eldest daughter absolutely loves their grandma.

[John Deloney]

Of course she does. I would expect a kid who every time they see somebody, tells them the greatest thing ever, shoves a bunch of presents in their face, feeds them a bunch of sugar and junk. Like I expect a kid. It's their parents job to keep them safe. And if you guys have identified, we're tired of this. The other thing you can do is every time you get a gift, you can throw it in the trash on the way out. You can, you can set it down on the front porch and leave it. But you have to be. You have to begin to take action, I guess is what I'm saying. And you can't. My guest Will is in your heart and mind. I hear that little baby. I love that sound. Will. I can, I can imagine. You will refute you're refusing to do to your kids what was done to you, right? I get that.

[Will's Father]

I mean, I married a minimalist at heart. She wants to have that little small car. And I'm like, I used to being the only child spoiled with everything, and I let her lead in terms of what we want in the house, and she's the one who keeps me in check from over buying things. So, yeah, totally on board with that mantra.

[John Deloney]

Okay. And minimalism isn't always right. So you guys sitting down and deciding what do we want our house to feel like? What do we want our. What kind of world do we want to create together? There's always going to be a push pull there, right? I'm a little bit of a prepper. My wife's a little bit of a. Of a rationalist. And then some weekends I want to be a minimalist and I want to throw everything away. So it's always like a push pull, right? It's a teeter totter. And that's a good marriage, right? Y' all both holding each other in check. When Cindy's like, hey, we'll just, we'll just strap the kids to the roof. Because I want to drive a two seater like in. She needs a will in her life to say, hey, we need a highlander, right? We need at least a couple of seats. And then the other side of it is you're like, hey, let's buy everything. And she's like, hey, this. That's not wise for us financially. Space wise. And all that. So that's all good. That's all good. That push, pull and that tension. You don't want a tension free marriage. Right. Y' all want to be always negotiating and navigating these things together. The bigger deal sounds like. Because Cindy, tell me if I'm wrong. This isn't just about gifts. Because a woman, a mother like this, eyeballs you every time you walk in the house, doesn't she?

[Cindy]

Absolutely.

[John Deloney]

A mother like this, make sure you know how much better a job she did raising her precious Will than you'll ever do raising your kids.

[Cindy]

Well, she's not so much of a show off, but she definitely took control of a lot of things.

[John Deloney]

That's what I mean.

[Cindy]

Our wedding.

[Cindy's Mother]

Yep.

[Cindy]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Yep. And so Will, in many ways this is about Cindy feeling like she's still competing with another woman. Yeah.

[Will's Father]

That's something to settle in here for sure.

[John Deloney]

And it sounds like you are. And Cindy, I want you to. And then I know you have, but I just want to say it out loud. I want you to understand the Herculean effort Will is putting forth in taking on his mom. That's a hard deal. And for you it's like I'm the wife. Is she. It. It. You're right. And that's still hard. Right. And Will, I have to lean on you a little bit more and say, all right, it's time to start acting. And that's going to come with tears from your kid. That's going to come with dramatic tears from your mother in law. That's going to be come with your dad having to make some hard decisions.

[Will's Father]

So here's where I'm going to interject and say that my parents have plans to retire on the other end of the country.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Will's Father]

And I want to know from your perspective is, is this something that I need to rock the boat on or do I let my mother get away with it for the next couple of months and hope that the problem kind of solves itself because she'll be on the other end of the country.

[John Deloney]

I think there's some merit to that. I'm going to. I, I would love for you to send me an email when they actually move because I don't think they will.

[Will's Father]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

If she does. Because. Because it. It again, I'm. I don't. I hate talk, man. I hate talking about people's mothers. Right. That's so dicey. Right. And I feel scummy even doing this. That's like I'm breaking every code I learned in recess in fourth grade. Right. This, a person with this limited scope of power, and what I mean by that is she has already exerted dominion over your dad. She had you under her thumb forever. And then when you brought this other woman into, into the fold, your wife, she was like, oh, I'm gonna run your marriage, I'm gonna run your wedding, I'm gonna run your kids, I'm gonna run their gifts. It's rare that a person like that just withdraws what limited scope of influence they have on the world. Right. And so by moving across the country, she's going to go back to just running the one person she's already exerted dominion over. So if she does do that. Yeah, I mean, this problem solves itself, but. Well, it does temporal. It does temporarily.

[Will's Father]

Amazon exists in dropshipping.

[John Deloney]

Do what?

[Will's Father]

Amazon exists and drop shipping. Yeah, I am that scared that we're going to get that.

[John Deloney]

Throw it in the trash, dude, just don't open it. I mean, if she wants to just burn, burn her net worth to the ground, go for it. Or don't throw it in the trash. That's, that's, that's, that's bad form. Take it to a local shelter. Those kids don't have any, any, any toys. Take it to your local church and drop the toys off. Your 3 year old doesn't get a vote. And, and I don't mean that to be ugly or mean, but your 3 year old doesn't get to decide the direction and influence on your home. Of course she loves grandma. Grandma buys her everything. Every day's Christmas. Every week is Christmas. Right? So of course the three year old's gonna love that. Question. I want you to ask yourself, is, is grandma walking kid around, teaching kid things, showing your, your daughter things because she's trying to open your daughter's eyes to wonder and love and fun. Or is she saying, look what I bought my daughter. Look what I bought my, I mean, my granddaughter. Look what I did, look what I did, look what I did. And my guess is you've lived that. And then you're watching it be repeated and it's hard to decouple it. All I have to say is to answer your original question, Cindy, your feelings are real and that's okay. Choosing to nag, not a good idea. It's not going to work. Choosing to complain all the time, it's not going to work. It's you and Will getting away for just half a day and saying, okay, our lives are all different now because we have two kids under two, under three. So what do we want this house to feel like and look like, and then we get to decide that. And that's going to be how many toys we have in the house. That's going to be how many times we go down the street to see grandma and grandpa. That's going to be how we interact with cousin. It's going to be how do we want this house to feel? And then we're going to reverse engineer our boundaries that way. And you guys have spoken. Your boundaries, Will. You've gone to battle for your family, and I love it. Now it's time to begin acting. And yes, if they actually move across the country in a few months, fair. But you will deal with this again at some point. And maybe that's the space you need to begin to get a little stronger, a little stronger. I just want you to be prepared for it's going to feel bad when mom calls and says, I don't feel good because of you. You cut us off. You made us leave. You won't let me love my grandkid. And it's you, you, you that's going to hurt, man. And it's hurt your whole life. That's part of the adult growing up process. That just stinks, man. I hate it for you. Thank you guys for the call. Y' all are in a good spot. Don't stop communicating. Cindy, commit to stopping the nagging and complaining because those two things never work and will Keep standing firm for your family. Now, y' all stand firm together and say, okay, we added another kid to this crazy house. We're wiping the deck. We got a new marriage yet again. What do we want this thing to look like and feel like? You're on the right path. You're on the right path. I'm so honored to talk to you guys today. All right, we come back, we talk to a woman who is wondering, can I trust my husband again? We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. More and more people are becoming aware of the need for mental health resources, physical health resources, and more. Whether it's finally taking action with their physical health, finally getting some friends to do life with, or finally getting the courage to seek professional mental health support. But when it comes to seeing a therapist, over a quarter of the people surveyed say they avoid getting therapy due to the fear of judgment. I personally understand this. I felt that same sense of judgment before I finally got the courage to ask for help. And listen, when people won't get help, it doesn't just affect them. It impacts their families, their workplaces in their entire communities. The world is better when we are all healthy and whole. And if I can be selfish for you for a moment, the world is better when you are healthy and whole. So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at Better Help. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. They have a network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. Better help has over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapy therapist. So to get started, just fill out a short online survey and they'll match you with a licensed therapist. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time and it's really easy to do it and it cost no extra money. We're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp hp.com DeLoney all right, so we are long past Easter now and just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, for growing in your faith, and for building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice and any time can be a new starting point. So if you committed to consistent practice of prayer and gratitude or reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. The small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful. Whether it's guided meditation, music, or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life has gone berserker. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for intentional spirituality. With Hallowed plus, when you sign [e-mail] DeLoney you'll get three months for free. So even if you missed out on lint, it's still a great time to start again. Go to Hallow H A L l o w hallow.com Deloney for three months for free. Let's go out to Chicago, Illinois and talk to Lee. Hey Lee, what's up?

[Lee]

Hey Dr. John. How are you?

[John Deloney]

I'm doing great. How about you?

[Lee]

I'm doing okay. Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Excellent. As good as we can. Yep. Right. I guess. Try to figure it out. What a wild world we live in. So what's up? How Can I help?

[Lee]

Well, so my question is, how do I know that it's safe to recombine my finances with my husband?

[John Deloney]

Oof. What happened?

[Lee]

So my husband, he has a very big problem with addiction.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Lee]

He has gone through drugs, he's gone through alcohol, he's gone through gambling. It got to a point where we didn't have money left in the bank account anymore. And there was just like a time that we needed to have stability in our house and with the kids. I wanted to make sure that we were able to have done. Provided for.

[John Deloney]

So can I change your language just a wee bit?

[Lee]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

And I want to empower you. Okay.

[Lee]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

There was a moment a decade ago when you had to take a stand for your safety and your kids safety. And you said, enough. And I announced, I always am telling couples, the data is clear, the reality is clear. It sounds all cool and hipster and modern to. You have your finances and I have mine. And then we get these disastrous marriages where you got two people coexisting in the same house. They're co managers of their household. So you guys did what I will preach till kingdom come, which is you combine your finances. And like you mentioned, there's a few moments when somebody has to take a stand and say, hey, you, partner, you're driving us into oncoming traffic. So it's not we in that moment. Lee, 10 years ago, you said, for my safety and for our kids safety, I'm taking a stand. I'm pulling my money out. I'm not sharing with you anymore because you're untrustworthy. And I'm going to make sure we got a home and we got electricity and we got water and we got food, right?

[Lee]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Okay. I want to call out how proud of you I am for that statement because that's hard to do when you love your partner and you watch them struggle with addiction after addiction, that's hard. And you want to be supportive, but there comes a moment when you say, okay, for me and my kids, we got to eat. So I'm proud of you for that. So paint me a picture of the last 10 years. And why are you. Why are you stumbling back into. I think it might be time to re. Rejoin finances.

[Lee]

Well, since then, I mean, we've done a lot of healing. We did therapy and he.

[John Deloney]

Is he sober?

[Lee]

He is, yes.

[John Deloney]

How long?

[Lee]

It's been about two years now.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Sober from. What was his last vice that he is working through?

[Lee]

Alcohol was the last one.

[John Deloney]

Okay, so he's been alcohol free, gambling free, drug free. For two years now, yeah. Okay. Has he re. Engaged in being present in your marriage?

[Lee]

He's still working on it, but it has definitely been a big improvement since it was in the past.

[John Deloney]

Do you feel safe physically and sexually and emotionally?

[Lee]

I do. It's more of, like. I don't know if I. I can convince myself of it, too, though.

[John Deloney]

Well, if you have to convince yourself of basic safety, then that often means you're overriding your body's innate safety signals. You took a big gulp of air when I asked if you're safe physically, sexually, and emotionally. Tell me about that pause.

[Lee]

I think it just, like I struggle with kind of my mind reminding myself of what it was in the past.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Lee]

And so it's like the last two years have been. I mean, outstandingly better, but it's like I. I still struggle to know that, you know, to.

[John Deloney]

To. Or I said to my therapist recently, I want to feel in my chest what I know to be true in my head. Does that sound right?

[Lee]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Lee]

Yeah, exactly.

[John Deloney]

Like you're seeing this changed behavior. You're seeing minute by minute, day after day, a changed man, and yet your body's still saying, hey, remember when. Remember when. Remember when. Right.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

So in your. Everybody's completely healed picture the fantasy picture, I'll call it. What is recombining finances. Get the both of you, what does that bring to your home?

[Lee]

I think unity.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Do you feel disjointed still?

[Lee]

Yeah, it's. It's kind of like ups and downs, especially with not having them combined. Like, we decided back then that, you know, his money was his money and my money was my money. And, I mean, we would kind of work together as splitting the bills and everything, but it's been a struggle with, I guess, watching him blow money, if that makes sense. But it's like, I don't want to say anything because I know it's not combined, but it's like. I think I'm a little scared to say something too, just because is he still had a lot of those in the past.

[John Deloney]

Is he still being irresponsible with his spending even though his addictions are under control?

[Lee]

Yeah, for the most part, yeah.

[John Deloney]

Okay. So if that's the case, I don't think we're there yet, but I do honor the fact. Here's what I hear you saying. I hear you saying you're. You admire how hard he has worked the last two years, and you see the work he's putting in, and you feel a sense or a move inside the middle of your chest for you to make a move back to center too. And you want to feel like you're doing your fair share for y' all to come together instead of you just staying on your side of the fence. And you keep telling him, when you get over here, when you get over here, you're saying, okay, I'll take down the fence too. We'll. We'll meet in the middle. I want to applaud his sobriety for two years. That's a nightmare for anybody. That's tough. I do think you might be at a place where you can sit down and have the money conversation. Here's what must be true. You got to be on a budget for six months or the impulse spending or the boxes showing up in the front of the house or the new, whatever, guitars or guns or whatever he's into. Like, I want to see that you are invested not in, quote unquote, managing your money, but you're invested in this household working together, together moving forward. And then you be very specific about what you would need to see for you to be able to exhale and override your body's GPS alarm systems and put your money back in the same account. Because it could be that y' all dump all your money back in the same checking account and you have a big kumbaya moment and it's beautiful. And you just handed a match to somebody holding a can of gasoline. Or it could be the olive branch. And so sobriety is step one. Like when people say, like, hey, I want to meet with my. I went, I went behind closed doors with a couple a few months ago and like I got kind of an emergency call. Hey, things are blowing up. Will you come over? I went over and one of the people was completely drunk, just hammered. And so I said, hey, there's kid, there can be no healing in this house until that's gone, until that's dealt with, period. And so I think what's hard for you is you've got 10 years of kind of doing life on your own with this other person in your house who you love and care about. And now you've gone two. And you want it to just, quote, unquote, go back to the way it was. I don't think we're there yet. I think two years just said, okay, now we're at the starting line. Almost like you're redating again. Okay, now you're clear eyed. Here's what must be true for me. To feel safe with something as powerful as transportation, food, lights, a Roof over our head. And if he looks at you and says, I'm not doing any of that crap, then I think, Lee, you have a, you have a. You've got more data than you wanted, but you've got data that you got to deal with that would say, he's not invested in this marriage. He may be invested in staying sober, but he's not ever going to be invested in getting you guys back together. If like some, some folks I've been around who are, I mean, their sobriety stories are amazing, but they cross that one year mark, that two year mark, that six month mark, and they say, what's next? How else can I get back in the game? How else can I heal this relationship so that we can move forward? And so maybe you sitting down and saying, I want to just call out. The last two years I've watched you change. I watched the lights come back on in your chest and in your eyes and in your soul. And it's amazing. What. And I feel like we're back at the starting line. I want to combine our finances. I want us to start talking about our future. I want us to talk about retirement. I want us to talk about how we're raising these kids. I want to talk about us having a fun, exciting sex life again. I want to talk about these things. Starting line number one. I want to see you for six months, budget your money and manage your money. You're a grown man. I'm not going to do it for you. I want to see you have some impulse control. There's. Because I want us to bring our money back together. And yes, that might blow up, but if it, if that blows up, then you know, it's not what you think it is right now, or it's not what you're hoping and grabbing so tightly around, like you're holding this thing so tight, you may realize it never was all the way back. Tell me what you're thinking.

[Lee]

I'm thinking that sounds, that sounds reasonable.

[John Deloney]

Can I tell you one other hedge I would make if I were you?

[Lee]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Do you have an emergency fund of any sort? Do you have. You, are you. Do you have a cash position just for you, some savings?

[Lee]

I do, yeah.

[John Deloney]

How much?

[Lee]

It's. Well, it's getting close to three months now.

[John Deloney]

That's amazing. So basically you've been a single parent inside of this home. How many kids do you have?

[Lee]

Three.

[John Deloney]

Okay, so you've been paying the bills, taking care of your kids, taking care of everything, taking care of you, and you still manage to save Three months. Like if it all burns to the ground, you've got three months to keep the lights on. That's amazingly. And so you do have some margin that when he. 2 months, 3 months, 6 months, you're a grown up, you get to decide what your body's going to need to feel safe. But if he doesn't speak it. Behavior is a language. If he acts it, if he puts into action a commitment that he is, wants to be all in with you, then you've got some rope here. That in case he burns every. If he takes that money, all put in the same account again, you'll go down and have a ceremony. You open a new checking account in a new place, you close your private accounts, you put it in there, but you're keeping that savings account. And you tell them, I'm keeping an emergency fund because we are, we are tiptoeing our way into this trust. And if he loves you and he's all in and he's truly on the path to sobriety, he'll say whatever it takes for you to feel safe. Okay. My. My gut tells me that your silence, your silence is speaking volumes. And I don't know if it's just a lot to digest or if you're scared about this conversation or if you know underneath all of this, he's not going to do any of this stuff and you got to deal with that.

[Lee]

Oh, I don't know. It's like I feel like he might.

[John Deloney]

I don't.

[Lee]

It's like we've tried so hard to just not talk about money because it has been like such a big stretcher point.

[John Deloney]

Yes. But also something you can't put off forever.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

So can I give you two or three pointers for how to engage in this conversation?

[Lee]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Set a date for it. Get out of your house. And maybe write down 2, 3, 5, 7 things that you have felt in your spirit, in your chest, that you have seen with your own eyes over the last two years of ways he has just turned the lights back on. And that might be as small as I just see every time you walk by the sink and there's dishes in it. You just clean the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. Thank you. I see that there's not just little tiny hairs all over the sink when you shave. You're like, I see you. I believe you that you say you haven't had a drink in, in two years and you've got the two year chip. I'm so proud of you. I want you To. To put some immediate relational deposits in the bank. When you sit down, the good stuff starts with you, you, you, you. The challenge. Then when you shift gears to, I want to begin coming back together, and I still, still don't feel safe about our money. And so do you see what I'm doing? Like you were saying, the positives are saying you. The negatives, you're saying, I. I feel unsafe. I see the work you're doing. I want to begin to practice putting our money back together. Here's what that would look like. You being on a budget for two to six months. You whatever. And by the way, I'm going to help you out. So this show is hosted by the Ramsey Network. I also co host the Ramsey Show. I'm going to give you our flagship product. It's the best budgeting app on the planet. It's called Every Dollar. I'm gonna give you the premium version for a year. Okay.

[Lee]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

In fact, you know what? I'm gonna send you two. I'm gonna send you two of those. Let him use one by himself for three months, for six months.

[Lee]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

And he can make you. He can make you a participant in that. So you don't do anything in his account, but you get to see he's living with a budget. Y' all commit to a weekly budget conversation. How are we doing? You commit to a monthly reconciliation of how money goes, and this is you telling him, I want to feel safe. So here's what I need. Here's what I want to feel safe in this house when it comes to how we spend money. With the goal that in January to start the new year, August 1st, whatever. I want us to put all of our money back together so that we are ride or die. Same team, both of us moving in the same direction, moving forward. And for six months after that, I'm going to keep an emergency fund over here on the side because it was 10 years of pain, and it was painful before those 10 years, and it's been dicey the last two. So I'm being smart for me and the kids, but I'm working to come back to you, and I want you to work equally hard to come back to me. And I think that's a fair, honest, and I'll say rational, but a. A way that communication will work. And it'll be your best attempt to make him feel safe and seen and at the same time, put some hard things on the table by using the word I. Here's what I want. Here's what I want. So That I can feel safe in this house. I want to acknowledge you and I want to feel safe. Are you in? And by the way, as the old, the great Dr. Irwin Yalam says, as everything is data, if he looks at you and says, this is stupid. I'm not doing any of this crap. Or he says, sure, I'm all in. And then one month later he's like, I'm not meeting you. My budget is my money. Then you've got some big answers to some big questions and you're gonna have to have that conversation. Or I mean, you can choose your other hard, which is we're just gonna keep living like this. But I hear in your voice you're tired of just being a roommate and you're ready to be married again. I applaud you, sister. The next path is choose your hard. Choose the one that might get you to where you both want to be. I'm proud of you. Hang on the line. We'll get you hooked up with those, with those free tools. All right, when we come back, we talk to a new dad who is struggling with his wife's picture of raising his little baby. We'll be right back. All right, listen, I understand the struggle. You're juggling work, parenting, trying to eat right and a million other things all at the same time. You're tired and you're wired and you're exhausted and you're just trying to hold it all together. There are small daily choices that we can all make to feel a little more clear headed and a little less anxious in all this chaos so that we can show up and be steady and whole for the people we love. For me, that includes using Organifi juices and gummies. Organifi products are great because they don't just support your physical health, they contribute to mental clarity and emotional balance too. Organifi offers a range of organic superfood blends that are really easy to fit into your daily routine. Easy even when you're on the go. You just mix them with water and you're ready to rock and roll. I love Organifi's green juice. It's a great way to start in the morning. And I love Organifi's red juice. A good way to start in the morning for caffeine free energy and a good pick me up in the afternoon. And of course, I love their shilajit creatine and happy drops gummies for a delicious take on important nutrients. Good folks. Organifi makes it simple to take proactive steps towards better health. Go to Organifi.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to save 20 off. That's O R G A N I F I Organifi.com DeLoney Houston, Texas, home of the not doing so well. Astros. Talk to Neil. What's up, brother? Neil.

[Cindy's Mother]

John. John.

[John Deloney]

How's it going, dude? I'm doing great, brother. How are you?

[Cindy's Mother]

Living the dream.

[John Deloney]

That's what everybody says when one of their tires is flat and they think their back tire is flat, too. Living the dream. So what's up, Neil?

[Cindy's Mother]

Yeah. Yeah. Hey. So, new dad here. I just had, like, 12 days.

[John Deloney]

Oh, dang, Gina. So you're in it? In it?

[Cindy's Mother]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. New brand new kid. Awesome kid.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Very cool. Congratulations.

[Cindy's Mother]

Thank you. Thank you. So my wife and I are struggling with breastfeeding.

[John Deloney]

Hopefully you're not struggling with breastfeeding.

[Cindy's Mother]

Well, I know you're a new dad.

[John Deloney]

Contrary to what some of the science textbooks say. Now you can't, brother.

[Cindy's Mother]

Oh, shame. I wish I could.

[John Deloney]

That way I could help her, right, bro? I tell you what.

[Cindy's Mother]

Struggling so much. And, yeah, I. I see her struggling. And, like, we have this. I call it the Baby Keurig. Right? It's like this formula machine. You can just press a button and there's a bottle.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Cindy's Mother]

And so I just want to, like, give my baby a formula bottle. When I see my wife break down every single night. And I get that. Breastfeeding super important to her. I don't really see it as that big of a deal, but I know since it's important to her, it should be important to me. And I just need some new tools to help support her.

[John Deloney]

Sure. So I want to first blow up that idea. You're going to have things that are very important to you and your marriage that will not be important to your wife and vice versa. Okay. It doesn't have to be something, but you can honor her, the importance that it has for her. Okay. And so don't ever feel like, well, it's important to her, so I have to make it important to me that. That. That's. That can't work like that. You're gonna have an exhausting life if you all do that for each other. Okay. If you're constantly forcing yourself, like, she likes square dancing, so I've got to like it, too. Like, nope, she can go square dance with somebody else. Right. So when you say she's having problems with breastfeeding, is she having problems producing enough milk? Is she having problems? Is a kid having problems latching? Like, what are the challenges here?

[Cindy's Mother]

Yeah. I mean, both of those, right? Yes, both of those. And then just extremely painful.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Has. Has she met with a breastfeeding coach?

[Cindy's Mother]

Just, I think yesterday was her first lactation consultant.

[John Deloney]

Okay. How'd that go?

[Cindy's Mother]

We, you know, I guess she learned a few exercises or strategies or whatever to. To try out.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Cindy's Mother]

So we're gonna try those tonight.

[John Deloney]

Okay. So what I would tell you is, on day 12, nothing is the way it is in the movies. And nobody tells you these things. Like when you see just like in a movie or a buddy and their wife is just breastfeeding, and it all looks just so natural, and they're just having a conversation in a coffee shop with one of those little showery thing, you know what I mean? It looks like a. Like a shower curtain, you know? Or like the other day at the Hibachi Grill, that lady just decided to go for it right there at the Hibachi Grill. And there's, like, fire flaming up, and the guy's, like, making onion stuff, and she just let it rip. What? Knock your lights out, Right? But, like, it looks so simple and so painfree and so dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. And I had some friends who were way down the road, and they would tell me, they're like, no, no, no. Like, that baby doesn't have any teeth, but those gums feel like death. Or they're like, getting a kid to latch sometimes is really tough. And then you begin to think, I'm. I'm a failure as a mother, or my body's broken somehow, and it's just a challenge. Right? Just getting there can be a challenge. And so you're day 12 in. I would exhale a little bit, just knowing, man, there's different sights and smells and challenges and pain, and all those kind of things are just new. And nobody tells anybody about any of that stuff. Okay. And I applaud you, brother, for wanting to help. And you are experiencing this in day 12. I experienced it for about two years before I called it out. So I'm going to give you some language here, but kudos to you for already trying to figure it out.

[Cindy's Mother]

Well, thanks.

[John Deloney]

Few moments in my life have I felt more powerless than in the season you are in right now, because there's going to be seasons over the next one to two years where your kid will be screaming and you can't stop it, and you will feel like a huge failure. You will see your wife in tears because she thinks and wants so desperately this basic. This basic biological process between a mother and an infant. Feeding is so difficult. And you're going to want to rescue her from the pain, from the tears, from the kid biting, the kid screaming, the kid kicking, all those. You're going to rescue her and you can't.

[Cindy's Mother]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

And you'll feel.

[Cindy's Mother]

That's where I'm at.

[John Deloney]

I know. And you'll feel freaking powerless. And you put on top of that, you haven't slept and you put on top of that, you're getting emails from work that you're trying to respond to and you're not doing a good job of that either. And then you just start to feel like, I suck at all of this stuff.

[Cindy's Mother]

God.

[John Deloney]

And that's a total lie. And it's not true. You're a good husband. You're a good dad, Neil.

[Cindy's Mother]

Thanks.

[John Deloney]

And this is just one of those things that I wish I had another phrase for it, but this just sucks. If. If your baby was starving and you were watching your wife force. Force her ideology and it was coming at the cost of your kids health, then we're going to intervene. Okay? If you see your wife trying to make something happen and the lactation consultant says, hey, you aren't producing enough milk, we have to supplement. And she said, absolutely not. I will never supplement with formula ever, ever, ever. We have a different kind of problem. It doesn't sound like y' all are there yet. Is that fair?

[Cindy's Mother]

Yeah, I would say not yet.

[John Deloney]

Okay. All right. My hope is now that you have done the right thing, which is to bring in a professional. That professional will serve as a what I would call a neutral third party. And it will give you a touch point that when you start getting concerned, hey, that baby hasn't eaten all day. The doctor said we need a supplement. I know that's not what we want to do. That wasn't our plan, that we wanted everything to be natural. We wanted that way. And thank God we live in a teeny tiny sliver of history when they have supplementary nutrition for. For infants. Thank God. And then we can go be lunatics about what's in this. In the. You know, this is what I would do. I would like what's in that formula and who made it and who owns. Like, go down that rabbit hole. Let that be a thing y' all can focus on like a demon. Y' all can fight together. And that will shift the blame from fighting her, fighting her body, her fighting herself, you fighting your ineptitude as a dad, which isn't true, but it's what it feels like. My hope is that just a few tips from a Lactation consultant from a breastfeeding coach. Man, that makes all the difference in the world. And it may not be easy, but it may be way better.

[Cindy's Mother]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

And maybe sit down and ask your wife this question after the baby's asleep. Okay, Ask her this question. How do you want me to bring up concerns about the baby and when do you want me to bring them up? Because I don't want. I want to do it in a way that is honoring you and us and that kid. And, and it's just a good conversation to have. I've learned after one of my kids has just thrown a temper tantrum or being 9 or 15 or whatever's happening, I've learned that is not the moment to tell my wife, we need to start doing. That's just not a good time. Right. I've learned that the next morning after everybody's had coffee to be like, hey, tonight let's go for a long walk. I want to talk about happened yesterday. And my wife goes, all right, cool. And you'll just learn. So having this conversation now, how do you want me to have this conversation with you as we move forward? And then the second thing is, how do you want me to ask you things that I don't fully understand? Okay. You mentioned one of them. You could care less if it's breast milk or if it is formula. I don't care. I just want my kid to not scream. I want my kid to have a full belly.

[Cindy's Mother]

Right.

[John Deloney]

So how do you ask that question to an exhausted. Hormones have just exploded. Body still hurts. Either she's got episiotomy or she's got a huge wound healing across her, her lower abdomen. Right. Like how, how do I bring this stuff up? It's very delicate.

[Cindy's Mother]

Right, right, right.

[John Deloney]

It's tough. What you don't want to do is get in the position that some men find themselves where they start telling women what they need to be doing with their baby and their body.

[Cindy's Mother]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Because whether you're right or wrong, it doesn't matter. It feels like it's, oh, it's now you versus me and my baby. And that's husbands never want to find themselves there. And sometimes husbands have to intervene. Things aren't. Things aren't healthy, things aren't safe, things aren't okay. Postpartum is real. It's scary. All yada, yada, yada, yada. How do we want to have these hard conversations?

[Cindy's Mother]

So I guess it's in the moment. You know, at 10 o' clock, 11 o' clock at night when we're trying to feed and she's crying and frustrated.

[John Deloney]

Yep.

[Cindy's Mother]

Why? So how do I support her?

[John Deloney]

Here's how you do this. At noon the day before that, 10 o' clock, you let her know I feel powerless at 11 o' clock when you're crying. What are some things I can do to bring you peace when that's happening? So that at, at 12 o' clock or 11 o' clock when she is heartbroken that her, she's struggling with breastfeeding. This because she's had this picture in her mind, she knows this kid a advance of you, which took me a long time to recognize she's already got a relationship with this kid. And so when she's feeling shame like her body's a failure, like she's a failure as a mother, she can't even feed her own kid. All these stories she's telling herself, you don't want her also to feel like she's got to take care of you at ten o' clock too.

[Cindy's Mother]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

So y' all have already had that discussion at noon. Hey, how can I best love you when things aren't going well? And she might say it would really be awesome for you just to sit by me and not ask me any questions. Let her cry. It may be really awesome. Bring me a cup of tea. It may be really awesome. Just take this baby and make that baby a bottle and let me just sob by myself and then have that plan so that when things get tough at 10 or 11. And by the way, it won't just be about this. There's going to be some weird rash that just pops up that happens. There's going to be a, a preschool that y' all have signed up for four years in advance that just, just closes and now you don't have any child care. There's going to be things like that that pop up all the time. So having a plan ahead of time so that when this thing happens, how can I best love you?

[Cindy's Mother]

What? You just like sit there and, and the uncomfortableness and just let her cry.

[John Deloney]

Sometimes. Sometimes it's I'll rub your feet. It is man. Sometimes I'll rub your feet. And by the way, in 10 years, is it a boy or girl?

[Cindy's Mother]

It's a girl.

[John Deloney]

In 10 years, some little jerk of a fourth grader is going to break her heart and you're not going to be able to fix that, but you're going to be able to sit by her and you're going to be able to hold her teeny tiny little 10 year old body While she sobs. You can't fix it. You're going to want to go fight a fourth grader, but you're not going to fix it, but you're going to be able to exhale. And so, yes, there is a thing about feeling the powerlessness. It doesn't mean you're broken, doesn't mean something's wrong, it just is. But let me tell you this, this is the way this is. And the feelings are scary and the feelings hurt. And you're a good dad, man.

[Cindy's Mother]

Thank you.

[John Deloney]

And you're a good husband.

[Cindy's Mother]

So heavy.

[John Deloney]

It is. And can I challenge you to do something that I wish I had done?

[Cindy's Mother]

I'll certainly try.

[John Deloney]

Get on Amazon today and buy a really, really nice, thick, lined, leather bound journal. And at the top right, day 13. And in those moments of powerlessness, those moments of just, you're overcome with love, you're overcome with the responsibility, the weight of a little girl. Write her a note, an entry into this thing so that when she's 16, you can just hand her the whole thing. And here's 16 years of how much your dad loves you. When it was hard, when it was easy, when I didn't know what to do, when I didn't feel like I was loving you and your mom, well. But I just stood in it, I stayed in it, when I had to say hard things like, hey, we've tried for three weeks and the baby's losing weight. We got to do something about formula, let's go meet with a doctor. We got to do something. And that was a hard conversation. Hand her that journal. And by the way, that will give you something to do with that excess feelings of powerlessness. And I don't know what to do next that you're feeling at 10 o' clock at night, at 2 in the morning, at 5 in the morning, all that kind of stuff, all the joys and excitement and pain and challenge of having a newborn at the house. Man, when you feel like I don't know what to do next, you're right where you need to be, brother. I'm proud of you. Hang in the game. This is when most men begin to bail. Hang in there and show the call, brother. We'll be right back. All right, it's time for a quick word about Delete me. Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel like digital trails leading right back to us? Now scammers are using phishing attacks. That's phishing with a ph, where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you and to care about you. You ever got an email or a text or a phone call and the person or the AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's actually looking out for you. With all the new technological advancements, no one is really safe anymore. So what are we supposed to do? Start controlling what you can control. The first thing is to learn about how to be careful online and offline with your digital footprint. And the second thing you need to do is sign up with Delete Me. I use and recommend Delete Me because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. That way I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having my data and selling it to a bajillion other people. Delete Me has reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop the phishing attacks and the harassment and the other online threats before they start and take control of your digital privacy. With Delete me, go to joindeleteme.com Deloney today for 20% off their annual plan. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's join Jo I n joinedelete me.com Deloney hey, please take two seconds and hit the subscribe button. We get millions and millions and millions and millions of views every month on our short videos, on the long form videos. Tens and tens of millions of videos. I mean, it's, it's amazing. And we have 1.1 million subscribers. What does that mean? That means that many of you are watching this. You're watching every day, you're consuming it. If you'll just take a second to hit the subscribe button, it moves the show up in the algorithm and it gets the life changing bravery of these callers to more and more people. And what we need right now is real life examples of bravery in our homes. We're not seeing it anywhere else. It would. It'll get this show out to more people. And that's what we need right now, is more people listening to these stories and these struggles and listening to people make hard choices about what to do next. So if you'll just take a second, hit the subscribe button or the like button or the leave a quick review, whatever it means the world. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? Let it rip.

[Will]

All right, so this is from a woman in Austin, Texas. She did not give her name. 512 and she writes, I've been with my boyfriend for three years. And our relationship is amazing. Fun, supportive, and engaging. All the things. Recently, he was invited to travel to another city to be a guest for a youth group. He would have to stay overnight and the group does not have funding to provide hotel. The leader of the group offered to let him stay at her house.

[John Deloney]

Nope. Nope.

[Will]

They have known each other for about 10 years.

[John Deloney]

Oh, yeah.

[Will]

And she recently got married. However, her husband works out of town and won't be home.

[John Deloney]

Oh, yeah.

[Will]

I am uncomfortable with him staying there because we have both had affairs in previous relationships. I trust him completely. But I also think that it is better to have a practice that we don't stay alone with people of the opposite sex. He sees it as platonic and that it is not an issue. Am I out of line?

[John Deloney]

No. No. And from one guy who is comically clueless, like, embarrassingly clueless about the intentions of other people. Just trust your wife on this one, dude. And yes, I think what she is saying is even more right. Which is, let's build a culture of beyond reproach. Nobody can ever question us because we don't put ourselves in situations to be questioned. Right. Which is good. God almighty, dude. In my past, I've put myself in the dumbest situations, and it just. It's just stupid. It's just dumb. So 100%. This is not a. This question came from somebody like going to a youth group. This is far beyond anything out of a faith context. This is just being smart and protecting your wife's reputation. Protecting your reputation. And plutonic. Dude. Some of my best friends on the planet are women. They're awesome. They're like. They're awesome. Women are awesome. I sounded so stupid. I just said that.

[Will]

Our entire gender thanks you for that.

[John Deloney]

Well, just so we all know, I almost made an awesome joke just in. But I'm trying to be more mature, as you're always asking me to do. But I don't spend the night at their house when it's just them. I just don't. And it's just not wise. So, anyway, there you go. No, you are not the problem. You are very wise. I'm gonna take the high road here and assume your husband is like me. And that's just comically clueless. He's had affairs in the past, though, so I don't think he is. But you know what? I've been kind of a grump today, so I'm gonna take the high road on this one. Gonna be happy. Yep. Nope. You're not the problem. He is. And probably that other woman is too. Kelly, fix the world. Stop tattooing yourself and fix the world.

[Will]

I'm only paid to deal with you.

[John Deloney]

That's a lot. I gave you that one. Love you guys. Bye.