I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John DeLoney Show – "I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend"

Episode Information:

• Title: I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
• Host: Ramsey Network (Dr. John DeLoney)
• Release Date: March 14, 2025

---

Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, host Dr. John DeLoney addresses a caller grappling with the devastating discovery of his wife's infidelity involving a close friend. The episode delves deep into themes of betrayal, trust rebuilding, and personal healing, offering listeners profound insights and practical advice. Additionally, the show features other callers discussing workplace inequality, supporting a spouse's health journey, and navigating familial boundaries, showcasing the diverse range of relationship and mental health challenges addressed on the program.

---

Main Segment: Nathaniel – Discovering Infidelity

Caller: Nathaniel from San Bernardino, California
Topic: Handling the aftermath of catching his wife cheating with a friend.

Discovery of the Affair

At the [02:15] mark, Nathaniel shares his ordeal:

Nathaniel: "I caught them kissing for about, I don't know, five minutes, then I knew something was up."

Dr. DeLoney empathizes with Nathaniel’s shock and the immediate recognition that something was deeply wrong in his marriage.

Initial Reactions and Confrontation

Nathaniel recounts his initial confrontation attempts post-discovery ([05:24]):

Nathaniel: "Trying to confront her and talk to her and asking her to give me time and stuff to, like, work things out because we have kids, and having her explain what happened that night... it was just like. I almost wanted to throw up."

Dr. DeLoney acknowledges the surreal and overwhelming emotions Nathaniel experienced, commending his honesty ([05:02]):

Dr. DeLoney: "Can I applaud you for just being honest about that?"

Understanding the Underlying Issues

As the conversation progresses, Nathaniel reveals a critical detail ([06:17]):

Nathaniel: "I found out it was one of my old friends from elementary school, that's what hurt me the most."

Dr. DeLoney highlights the compounded betrayal of infidelity involving a trusted friend, emphasizing the need to separate the hurtful actions from the individual’s inherent worth.

Assessing Marital Intentions

Dr. DeLoney addresses the essential question of whether Nathaniel’s wife still desires to maintain their marriage ([06:36] - [07:12]):

Dr. DeLoney: "She does not want to be married to you. She wants you to take care of the kids, she wants you to provide money, but she does not want to be married to you."

This blunt assessment is intended to help Nathaniel recognize the reality of his wife's commitment and prioritize his emotional well-being.

Strategizing the Next Steps

Dr. DeLoney provides Nathaniel with a clear action plan ([07:18]):

1. Initiate a Serious Conversation:

   • Schedule a private dinner to discuss the marriage's future without interruptions or emotional outbursts.
   • Example Quote ([10:11]):

     Dr. DeLoney: "I'm gonna give you the playbook for the next move... sit down and have some hard conversations."

2. Rebuild Trust Through Transparency:

   • Propose mutual sharing of phone activities to restore trust.
   • Example Quote ([08:53]):

     Dr. DeLoney: "Trust looks like I want to see your text messages... if she says no, then she's telling you, I don't want to be married to you anymore."

3. Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations:

   • Define specific needs and requirements for trust rebuilding.
   • Example Quote ([09:16]):

     Dr. DeLoney: "You have to be very specific about what you need."

4. Prioritize Personal Well-Being:

   • Encourage Nathaniel to deal with triggers and seek therapy if necessary.
   • Example Quote ([08:32]):

     Dr. DeLoney: "Triggers are just simply your body getting your attention... sometimes you have to get a therapist to go with you."

5. Make a Definitive Choice:

   • Decide between working to restore the marriage or moving forward independently for personal peace.
   • Example Quote ([10:22]):

     Dr. DeLoney: "Decide I'm going to stand up on my own two feet and breathe."

Conclusion of Nathaniel’s Call

Dr. DeLoney wraps up Nathaniel's call with motivational advice, urging him to reclaim his life and emotional health ([27:17]):

Dr. DeLoney: "Decide I'm going to stand up on my own two feet and breathe... your move, my man."

---

Additional Call Segments

While the primary focus of the episode centers on Nathaniel’s experience with infidelity, other callers enrich the discussion with varied relationship and personal challenges.

Nicole – Workplace Inequality in a Family Business

Caller: Nicole from Columbus, Ohio
Topic: Unequal treatment at work due to family dynamics.

Nicole shares her frustrations about being treated differently compared to her sister-in-law in the family-run company, especially concerning maternity benefits and work-from-home requests.

Nicole: "Am I wrong to feel upset about unequal treatment at work?"

Dr. DeLoney addresses the complexities of navigating family businesses, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries and advocating for oneself.

Dr. DeLoney: "Sometimes the kids get treated differently... You have to make time. It's too important."

Advice Given:

• Assess whether to confront management or consider leaving the job.
• Encourage open communication with her husband to support mutual decisions.
• Suggest prioritizing mental and emotional well-being over maintaining a potentially unhealthy work environment.

Lee – Supporting a Husband’s Health Journey

Caller: Lee from Pueblo, Colorado
Topic: Best ways to support her husband’s mental and physical health transformation.

Lee seeks guidance on how to effectively support her husband as he endeavors to improve his mental, physical, and spiritual health amidst a family history of heart disease.

Lee: "I want to treat him as a loving and supportive wife who adores him immensely and is a positive encouragement to him."

Dr. DeLoney provides compassionate strategies, emphasizing mutual support, open communication, and practical tools to aid in her husband's journey.

Dr. DeLoney: "I want you to commit to finding a better one... Doing everything you can so that you are healthy, so that he has somebody to anchor into."

Advice Given:

• Engage in joint activities like healthy breakfasts and mutual journaling.
• Utilize apps like TrainWell and Carbon for fitness and dietary tracking.
• Suggest attending counseling together to strengthen their partnership and support system.

Rachel – Familial Boundaries and Parental Comfort

Caller: Rachel from New Hampshire
Topic: Discomfort with men other than her husband changing her daughters’ diapers.

Rachel discusses her unease with other men, including her father-in-law and stepfather, participating in caregiving tasks for her young daughters, and the ensuing familial tensions.

Rachel: "Am I in the wrong for feeling this way or did my father take my feelings too personally?"

Dr. DeLoney validates Rachel’s feelings, stressing the importance of personal boundaries and the right to emotional safety.

Dr. DeLoney: "If something in your chest says, whoa, I can't have that happen, let that alarm be heard. And let that be something that you head towards, not away from."

Advice Given:

• Encourage Rachel to seek therapy or support groups to explore the roots of her discomfort.
• Advocate for open, respectful conversations with family members about her boundaries.
• Emphasize that setting personal limits is healthy and does not equate to sexism.

---

Key Insights and Takeaways

1. Facing Infidelity:

   • Acknowledge and honor your emotions.
   • Set clear boundaries and communicate needs explicitly.
   • Decide whether to rebuild the relationship or move forward independently.

2. Navigating Family Businesses:

   • Recognize and address unequal treatment.
   • Prioritize personal well-being over workplace conflicts.
   • Seek supportive partnerships in personal relationships to navigate professional challenges.

3. Supporting a Partner’s Health Journey:

   • Provide unwavering support while respecting boundaries.
   • Utilize practical tools and mutual activities to foster a healthy environment.
   • Engage in joint counseling to strengthen relational bonds.

4. Establishing Familial Boundaries:

   • Validate personal discomforts and seek understanding from trusted individuals.
   • Communicate boundaries respectfully to family members.
   • Embrace the right to emotional safety in all caregiving arrangements.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Nathaniel on Discovery:

  Nathaniel [02:15]: "I caught them kissing for about, I don't know, five minutes, then I knew something was up."

• Dr. DeLoney on Honesty:

  Dr. John DeLoney [05:02]: "Can I applaud you for just being honest about that?"

• Dr. DeLoney on Trust:

  Dr. John DeLoney [08:53]: "Trust looks like I want to see your text messages... if she says no, then she's telling you, I don't want to be married to you anymore."

• Nicole on Workplace Treatment:

  Nicole [17:10]: "Am I wrong to feel upset about unequal treatment at work?"

• Dr. DeLoney on Boundaries:

  Dr. John DeLoney [48:50]: "If something in your chest says, whoa, I can't have that happen, let that alarm be heard."

---

Conclusion

The Dr. John DeLoney Show episode "I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend" serves as a poignant exploration of betrayal and the arduous journey toward healing and self-recovery. Through Nathaniel’s heart-wrenching story and the diverse experiences of other callers, Dr. DeLoney delivers compassionate, actionable advice aimed at fostering resilience and emotional well-being. This episode not only sheds light on the complexities of marital infidelity but also underscores the importance of setting personal boundaries, seeking support, and prioritizing one’s mental and emotional health in the face of adversity.

---

Note: The episode also features sponsored segments from Cozy Earth, Bon Charge, and BetterHelp, offering products and services related to home comfort, health, and mental well-being. These advertisements provide listeners with resources to enhance their lifestyle and support their mental health journeys.

Transcript

[Nathaniel]

How do I handle catching my wife having an affair? And what's the next step? And when I caught them kissing for about, I don't know, five minutes, then I knew something was up. That this is not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's when you knew something was up. Homie Ayo, what's up? This is Jon with Dr. John DeLoney Show. Taking your calls about your relationships, your mental and emotional health, counseling, coaching, whatever you got going on in your life. My promise is I'll sit here and we will figure out what's the next right move. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. You can leave a message and we'll call you back and talk to you about having you on the show. Or you can go to john deloney.com ask and you can type in your question in the little info box. And it goes into Kelly's cauldron of wizardry and magic. Cauldron, I guess was kind of witch adjacent, huh?

[Kelly]

I don't think so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you do have a cauldron.

[Kelly]

Maybe. Definitely a voodoo dollar, too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. I was like, oh, sweet. You have, like, you made, like, a figurine of me. And she, like, turned it around. I had, like, needles in its neck. So anyway, if you want to be on that show, give us a call or reach out. Oh, geez, we are crushing this thing. I always wonder, like, what was it like to be on the Titanic? And I feel like every time I sit in here, I. I feel like that now.

[Kelly]

This show's doing a whole lot better than the Titanic was doing for now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But Iceberg did a hit. Like, it just keeps.

[Kelly]

Our listeners are. And our viewers are keeping the show moving right along because they're amazing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Despite my best efforts to wreck it.

[Kelly]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's go out to San Bernardino, California, and talk to Nathaniel. What's up, Nathaniel?

[Nathaniel]

Hi, John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How's it going, man?

[Nathaniel]

Good. Just another day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, exactly what's up, brother?

[Nathaniel]

Well, I had a question that how do I handle catching my wife having an affair? And what's the next step?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, walk me through that one, man. When you say catch, what do you mean?

[Nathaniel]

So it happened last year in September. I was at work and had these bad feelings, and I was like, what the heck's going on? Texted my wife. No response. Looked up my location and saw that she was at a hotel, but it was during the fires, and she was taking one of her friends home from a concert. So I thought. I thought they were evacuated to a hotel, so I let it be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But would your wife have called you if she was at a concert and she was evacuated to a hotel for her safety?

[Nathaniel]

No, no, no, no.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but would she otherwise have let you know that that's happening?

[Nathaniel]

Yeah, if that would have happened, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. All right. So you see her at a hotel, and you quickly come up with kind of a stretch of a story just to protect yourself, right?

[Nathaniel]

Yeah, I did. In my head, I thought, okay, she's there. And I just kept track of the time, and I was like, wait a minute. It's already been two hours she's been at that location. And when I came home to find out my kids were alone with the uncle, I was like, wait a minute. That's not like her. So then I took it upon myself to wait for the kids to sleep, and I drove over to the hotel. I didn't know what room she was in. I just waited. I saw the car, and then, like, I don't know, five minutes later, she starts walking out, and I see a guy with her, and I'm like, okay, that's not the friend she was with. It was supposed to be a girl. And when I caught them kissing for about, I don't know, five minutes, then I knew something was up. That. This is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's when you knew something was up? Homie, denial is not just a river in Egypt, dude. It's also my man. Hey, how did you let her kiss another guy for five minutes right in front of you?

[Nathaniel]

Well, I was. When I was parked, I was on the main street, and I was, like, kind of, like, trying to, like, turn to see if it was her. And then when I saw that she got at the car, and I wanted to make sure that this was happening, my gut feeling. And when I saw it, I froze.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's fair. Hey, can I. Can I. Hey, can I applaud you for just being honest about that?

[Nathaniel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good on you. I. I can imagine. That is just so surreal.

[Nathaniel]

Yeah, pretty much. I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your. Your. Your first instinct is different than mine, and mine probably would have ended me up in jail, so. Good on you for freezing, right? So what's the last few months been? You said this is September. We're talking in February. What. Tell me what's. What the last few months have been like.

[Nathaniel]

Well, after that night, trying to confront her and talk to her and asking her to give me time and stuff to, like, work things out because we have kids, and having her explain what happened that night for those two hours, it was just like. I almost wanted to throw up. I wanted to. I literally drove over to the hotel to confront the guy. And while I was driving, I was thinking of all these scenarios, and then one was, why? Why would I even try to hurt him if I'm going to be in jail? And it's like, yeah, no, it's very wise. So when I found out it was one of my old, old, old friends from elementary school, that's what hurt me the most.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so let's take the hurt off of him.

[Nathaniel]

Take the hurt off of him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's don't give that some dude from your elementary school access to your soul. Let's just. Let's just hold it. What it is. Your wife cheated on you, she broke your heart, she blew your family up.

[Nathaniel]

Pretty much, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does she still want to be married to you?

[Nathaniel]

She does. She's been like, little by little, trying to make it better, but then the last couple months, it's just been like, back to normal again with the whole. She's back on her phone again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, let me be super clear with you, Nathaniel. She does not want to be married to you. She wants you to take care of the kids, she wants you to provide money, but she does not want to be married to you. You have to absorb that.

[Nathaniel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that fair?

[Nathaniel]

Yeah, that's fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So what's your next move?

[Nathaniel]

Pretty much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's what it feels like. It feels like you are an expert in maneuvering. Almost like I'm imagining the slow motion scene in the Matrix when the bullets were coming. The bullets are reality. And you're Keanu Reeves. You're really adept at kind of diving away from painful realities and conversations because those painful realities and conversations force you to have to act, make a call.

[Nathaniel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you have a pretty comfortable life and things are fine. Things are good. And now your wife blew them up.

[Nathaniel]

Yeah, pretty much, yeah. I can't even. I can't even listen to some certain musics without it triggering memories of going back to that hotel.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but listen, we're not going to be run around. We're not going to live our lives afraid of triggers. Triggers are just simply your body getting your attention, saying, hey, you may not be safe now, now. And so you're going to head right into those triggers. And sometimes you have to get a therapist to go with you or a couple of close buddies to hold you accountable. But I'm not going to live my life that my body shuts down if a song comes on the radio. I'm going to deal with that.

[Nathaniel]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm not going to live my life every time my Wife flips over her phone. If I've been very clear, hey, if you want to be married, we've got to rebuild trust. And trust looks like you not flipping your phone over every time I walk in. Trust looks like I want to see your text messages. Trust looks like I want to link our phones together so your text messages go to the iPad that I can see them.

[Nathaniel]

True.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if she says no, then she's telling you, I don't want to be married to you anymore. I'm not interested in rebuilding trust in a way that makes you feel safe. And because I blew up our. I blew up our marriage, I lacked integrity.

[Nathaniel]

True.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. But you can only control you. And so you have to be very specific about what you need.

[Nathaniel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I think you are like, well, you know, you got to be specific. And I think if you're not specific, then there's not a chance that she doesn't meet those things. And then she's got to go.

[Nathaniel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I think it allows you this kind of pseudo reality where it's all kind of back to normal and it's kind of fun. She's flipping her phone over, but it's cool, like whatever and blah, blah. It's not, man, I can hear it on you.

[Nathaniel]

Yeah, it's not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not. So call it what it is.

[Nathaniel]

True.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you still want to be married to her?

[Nathaniel]

Pardon me, yes. And pardon me still has that trust issue.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You should have a huge. All of you should have a trust issue. And by the way, you can have a trust issue and still want to be married to her. The question that's instructive here is, does she want to be married to you? Have you asked her that?

[Nathaniel]

I haven't got a chance to ask for that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No. Bull crap on a stick with a pony and a frog, like, waving a flag. You do. You. You've chosen not to.

[Nathaniel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What do you mean you don't have time? You create time for something this important. You stop the presses, you leave work, you get child care. You figure it out. This is too important. Here's here. I'm gonna give you the. The playbook for the next move, okay? You don't have to do this. You're a grown man. You can do whatever you want to. If I'm in your seat, here's what I do. I let her know you and I are talking. Just for the listener, we're talking on a Tuesday. I would let her know tomorrow night, Wednesday night at 5:00 or 6:00. I've gotten childcare for the kids. We are going out to dinner to a private place, and we're gonna have some hard conversations. There's gonna be no screaming, no yelling, no fighting, no getting up and running away. We're gonna sit down and have some hard conversations.

[Nathaniel]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You pick the restaurant where you can go into the back and talk quietly or get a rest, a table on the side or whatever. And then when y'all sit down, you say, hey, we're getting back into the old behaviors. I was not clear last time, and I'm sorry. Number one, do you still want to be married to me? Neither of us wanted to get divorced. I'm sure you didn't want to cheat on me when we got married, but here we are. Do you still want to be married? If you do, here's what must be true. And then you have to have the courage to write down what must be true and communicate that very clearly. Clear as kind. Very clearly. And give her a chance to. To scratch and claw her way back to your heart. Otherwise, you're being cruel. She doesn't know up from down, and you're kind of just wishy washy in the whole thing from, like, ah, I don't know. It's time to be clear. And here's the bigger thing. Your kids are absorbing this brother. In your house. They're absorbing their dad being like, well, I just don't have time. We haven't had time to sit down. And you have to make time. It's too important. It's. The most important thing in your world right now is your marriage. They're watching your wife flip over the phone every time they're learning like that little sneaky. Oh, eyes on a swivel. Everybody's looking around always, and, oh, make sure this. And deleting this. And they're seeing that. They're absorbing that. Stop. Stop the madness. Decide. I'm not letting this go. Generational. That also means that she might look at you and say, yeah, I'm done. I'm out. And then, brother, call me back, because I'll. I'll sit with you, man. Or you might look at her and say, I'm not gonna be able to get the trust back, man. You cheated on me with a friend. You lied to me. You. You pawned our kids off with an uncle. You didn't even let me know. I thought you were. I thought you were hiding from fires. Thought your life was in jeopardy, and you're off sleeping with an old friend of mine. I. I just can't. I can't come back. And you get to choose that. Or you can choose just to keep going on about your day, pretend everything's fine until it's not. Again, I just want to tell you this will catch up eventually. Man, choose your hard kind of live halfway underwater, slowly gasping for air. Or decide I'm going to stand up on my own two feet and breathe. And here's what must be true. Moving forward. It's your move, my man. She did you wrong and broke your heart. She blew up your house. And now you've got a broom and you got to start the cleanup process. Hopefully she joins you. We'll be right back. I want to tell you about Cozy Earth, the makers of incredible sheets, bedding and bath linens. It's almost time. The sun will come out tomorrow. So soon. Spring is almost here. And Cozy Earth has a Spring into Comfort sale going on right now. It's a great time to buy their bamboo sheet sets and their bath sheets. I love, love their sheets. And their towels are giant and soft and they don't get all thin and crusty after going through the laundry. They are the best. Their sheet sets are soft and breathable and they keep me and my family cool and comfortable all night long. And like I said, you'll feel the quality of their bath sheets right away. They're so huge. Don't even call them towels. They call them bath sheets. And they're actually more like bath comforters. It doesn't matter what they're called. They're just amazing. I also got a huge Cozy Earth weighted blanket that my whole family piles under. It is bye bye for my anxiety. Cozy Earth is my go to and your go to for building a sanctuary in your home so you can feel safe, relaxed, and ready to take on whatever comes next. And remember, Cozy Earth Spring into Comfort sales happening right now with exclusive savings. For you watching or listening to this show, 40% off everything that's 40% off. Visit cozyearth.com deloney and use code Deloney right now. That's cozy. C o z y cozyearth.com DeLoney for 40% off. Go. All right, here's the deal. The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean the lame cat videos and endless streams of AI influencers. I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs. These things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bon Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all of the time, literally every single day. And I love them. And here's why you'll love them, too. Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. It can help you recover from aches and pains. I used it on my foot this morning. Transform your skin and even help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. Like I said, I use them every day. And check out Bon Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks. Go to boncharge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to say 15 site wide. That's B O N C-H-A-R-G-E.com DeLoney and use coupon Code DeLoney to save 15%. All right, let's go out to Columbus, Ohio, and talk to Nicole. Hey, Nicole. What's up?

[Nicole]

Hi, Dr. John. I can't believe I'm talking to you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I can't believe I'm talking to you. This is amazing. What's up?

[Nicole]

Well, I'll go ahead and get started with my question, and then I'll give you a little bit of background information.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Let it rip.

[Nicole]

All right. Am I wrong to feel upset about unequal treatment at work? And should I confront my management, Quit or let it go?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, this is a good one.

[Nicole]

And a little side note on this one is I work for my husband's family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. How's your marriage?

[Nicole]

It's great, actually.

[Lee]

We.

[Nicole]

We've been like. It's honestly probably strengthened it, if anything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what is. Before you even ask, what is he telling you to do?

[Nicole]

He is kind of in the same boat. I am not really sure. I think that. I'm kind of thinking. We're kind of both thinking maybe we should talk to them about it. But also, we're not really sure if it's our place. So I'll kind of give you some background information and you can see what you think.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. Let it rip.

[Nicole]

So I have worked for this company since 2020, right after I had my first B. And then since then, I'm still working for the company. And since then, I have had two more babies. One in 2022 and one in 2023.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good Lord, your house is a boring place, isn't it?

[Nicole]

Yes. Oh, it's crazy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Three kids.

[Nicole]

Better? Yes, sir, I do. And they're all boys.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wow.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's why we drink. Congratulations. Thank you.

[Nicole]

So recently, my sister in law, who also works at the company, she had a baby. And I found out as she came back to work, she was paid her full wages during her time off, and she has also been allowed to work from home. Now, I was not paid anything during my maternity leave either time. The second time in particular is the one I guess I'm a little more focused on because I went. I left that into that maternity leave. I was working full time at the time, and when I went to go back to work, I had also asked to work from home and I was told that I couldn't. So finding this out, my feelings have been a little hurt. And I just felt like maybe I'm not as appreciated in the office as I once thought I was. I've always worked really, really hard for them, and they've said that I'm, you know, they've always told me I'm a great worker. And so I've just been a confused about how to go forward with this information.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why didn't your husband go storming into his mom and dad's house and say, what. What's going on here?

[Nicole]

I mean, we both are kind of not like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I guess I don't care about that. Like, you get to say, like, I'm kind of not like that until somebody. And it makes it worse because it's my sister. Right?

[Nicole]

Yeah, his. Yes, it's his sister.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Right. So these are both your grandkids. And I'll get into the family business dynamics here in a second. But, like, I'm interested in the. Like, I'm just putting myself in this position. If my wife. If I had a kid and my dad was her. Her boss and my sister's boss and one of his. A woman's pregnant with one of his grandkids, and he's like, yeah, your butt's gonna be back here on work on Monday.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then another woman's pregnant with another one of his grandkids, and he's like, nah, you take your time. Work from home. I'm just gonna pay you. The money's just gonna show up.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What are you talking about? I'll be in there for that. That next morning. Where's your husband on this? I don't care. You don't get to say, like, I'm just not like that. I don't give a crap. You're doing that.

[Nicole]

Yeah. It's. It's pretty upsetting for both of us.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, it should be upsetting for you.

[Nicole]

It is upsetting for me. I was very upset to find out about it. I was pretty furious that day. And I thought about just storming out and then I was like, I'm gonna take some time, go home and talk.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would have. I'm an impulsive baby sometimes, though.

[Nathaniel]

But I would have quit.

[Nicole]

Well, I'm trying not to be an impulsive baby.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know you're immature. I struggle with that.

[Nicole]

But I've tried to take my time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And just, I guess is your husband.

[Nicole]

Worked there too, so he actually recently, about six months ago, became a police officer. So he doesn't work there anymore, but he was up until that point.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, here's the truth about family business.

[Nicole]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sometimes the kids get treated differently.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

In the story.

[Nicole]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would have assumed that you're one of the kids.

[Nicole]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your in laws have confirmed you are not.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I am going to. I want you to imagine you may have heard me talk about this. I want you to imagine you have like a small wooden box on your kitchen table.

[Nicole]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And in that box I want you to imagine. And it should be. The number should be 5, 4, 5 or 6 people who get to speak into your life in that box who have permission to hurt your feelings, have permission to challenge your values, have permission to really come at you like, hey, are you sure this is right for your kid? That kind of stuff.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to consciously take them out of that box.

[Nicole]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That doesn't mean you don't love them, doesn't mean you don't highly respect them. That doesn't mean you don't do everything you can to get to Christmas or whatever that means. As your. You had a picture of what this loving, connected relationship was going to look like with these in laws. You had a picture of what kind of grandparents they were going to be with. Your grandkids, with your kids and their grandkids and. And your relationship with him or whatever. And there's also this work relationship. I don't want to jeopardize the family side of this because I have a. A integrity question when it comes to business management. So I'm gonna take them out. And if you're financially able to. Yeah. I'd put in my two weeks. If you're not. I would keep working until you find an opportunity that's gonna be great for you.

[Nicole]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And with three kids under five, I am going to. It's gonna Be a tough, tough road to. Oh, right, right. It's gonna be tough. Do they pay you in a way that's cost prohibitive for you to move?

[Nicole]

No, honestly I don't, I don't make a ton. I work pretty part time hours since having my third especially just because I don't have a ton of child care options and it's kind of, it's not a like super high paying job. So it wouldn't really cover the cost of child care anymore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So let me tell you, you're right to have your feelings hurt. I have my feeling tur for you.

[Nicole]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't like it. Yeah, it just feels yucky. I'm pissed off at your husband.

[Nicole]

Oh yeah, I am. And I am a level sometimes I want.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's what I was digging for. You owe it to him and your marriage to not keep secrets.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because we often think about protect and provide. Right? We're going to protect and provide. He's a cop, for God's sake. That's my gang. Right? Yes. And he knows how to handle a gun. He knows how to handle himself. He's got a taser on his like he knows how to do that, but he doesn't know how to call his mom and say mom, what the crap?

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And sometimes protect is about muscles and bullets. Fine. Most of the time in the modern world, protect is about you will treat my wife with dignity and respect and honor and this is dishonor.

[Nicole]

Yeah, I agree.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that fair?

[Nicole]

Yes, that's totally fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, I don't, here's the thing because let me say it like this. Every wife in a similar situation, ish. If you're really honest with yourself, you feel like the chips are on the table and he chose mom, not you. Or he chose this. The keeping the peace with mom and dad over. Hey, there's something doesn't feel right here. And by the way, they're the boss. They can do whatever they want.

[Nicole]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But come on.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's your green kit, right? You get what I'm saying?

[Nicole]

Yeah, for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I, I, I don't want this to be a small potted plant. Like I'm just thinking of like a clay pot with soil in it that you hold in your chest. That's a secret where a seed just got planted of. Yes, I trust him that he'll fight for me. Yes, I trust he'll take a bullet for me. But man, he didn't even call his mom.

[Nicole]

Yeah, right. Yep, you're right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it's now going to Be on you. And this is. Sounds unfair and people are going to be mean to me in the YouTube comments. I don't care. It's now on you to not like he. In my estimation, again, I'm only getting one side of the story. He might come and be like, bro, you don't understand. Actually, my wife's a terrible worker. My parents have been telling me that, and I don't know what, like. So there's a whole other side, I'm sure. But from where I'm sitting, he messed up by not going and saying, hey, mom and Dad, I need, I need some clarity on this. This doesn't look right to me. And I, I, I would say that was a, that was a glitch in your relationship. That was, that was something that, that, that put you second place. And he said, right before God and family. No, you come first. Right?

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

On the others, on the other side, I don't want you to hide this, this plant the seed and have this grow into some sort of resentment frustration, because it will, and it'll come out in weird ways. I don't want you to put a glitch in the relationship, too. I want you to come across the bow and say, hey, we need to talk like this. I'm gonna, I'm gonna resign this position. I'm gonna let them go to the thing. I want to have a grandma and grandpa more than I want to have always be looking over my shoulder to see who's getting, like, whatever. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna opt out. But, man, I gotta be honest with you. I wish you'd called your mom. What? She called your dad.

[Nicole]

Yeah. Yeah. I can definitely talk to him about this and, and tell him the truth. For sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I just know secrets, like, secrets blow up relationships.

[Nicole]

Yeah, 100%.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sorry this happened. This is a bummer, dude.

[Nicole]

I know. It is. It's. It stinks too. The job has honestly been one that I've enjoyed, but at the same time, I'm. I'm home with my kids a lot, and it makes me happy to be home with. So I'm kind of looking forward to that just being my full, My, you know, have my full attention for a while.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I tell you one last thing? I don't know if this will give you any peace, but hopefully it does. I'm going to talk. I'm gonna sound like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth and my butt at the same time. I don't take this personally. No, I don't. Think this was a, was a slight against you. I think it was a do whatever you want daughter. And I, I bet with the pace of the job, the pace of all the babies, the pace of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Son quit, he went, got another job. Like with the, just everything going on, I, I'm hoping that there wasn't a, like a plotted effort to. No, let's make her life miserable.

[Nicole]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It was more like, oh, daughter, you do whatever you want. You're our sweet, precious daughter and you can't do anything wrong. Right. And I bet your husband would be like, that's always been that way since she was 5 years old.

[Nicole]

Yes, I think he would say that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it's one of those, like, I'm not gonna take it personal. I'm not gonna give you all that. I'm taking you out of the box. I'm, I'd rather y'all be just fun, silly grandparents and whatever. I want to preserve that. And a part time job isn't worth it. And me wondering why I'm getting trapped, treated differently. I'm not, I, I'm just gonna step out. I'm gonna step out and husband, next time you pick me over mom, you pick me. Thanks for the call, Nicole. You're awesome. Appreciate you. And even if you're mad, give your husband a hug. My buddies who are police officers need more hugs. We'll be right back. Let's talk about Delete me, my go to provider for online safety, security and peace of mind. Don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the Internet these days. I wish this wasn't the case, but it doesn't matter if I wish this wasn't the case. Everything in my life and in your life takes place over the Internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications. We buy most of our things on the Internet now. It's where so much of our lives exist. And because so much of our lives exist on the Internet now, it's become normal to just give away our email address to random companies who then turn around and sell those email addresses to other companies. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete me. I looked at the reports my friends at Deleteme have sent me. They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers with my personal information and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. Deleteme has saved me countless hours, days even. And they send me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where I want you to have this kind of piece too. So we can't really avoid living on the Internets, but we can make our personal data personal again with Delete Me. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20 off all of the Delete Me plans that comes out to less than $9 a month. Go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney right now. That's join J-O-I-N-DeleteMe.com DeLoney all right, we're back. Let's go to Pueblo, Colorado, man. I got some crazy adventures in Pueblo and talk to Lee.

[Lee]

What's up Lee Hi, good morning.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great. What's going on?

[Lee]

Awesome. So if it is all right with you, I will go ahead and just read my question that I submitted since I don't think I could put it any more clearly than that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Go for it. I haven't read it so I haven't seen it, so let it rip.

[Lee]

Awesome. Okay, so here's what I wrote. I need advice as to how I can best support my husband while he works on becoming a healthier version of himself, mentally, physically, spiritually and physically. He has been in therapy for over a year to work through his past trauma and is trying to figure out who he is after 40 years. Also, he is finally taking care of his physical health by going to the doctors. I am so very proud of him and all of the positive ways he has grown as a man, husband and father. My primary concern is for his physical health. It weighs heavily on me as the days go by. His father passed away at 57, his grandfather at 63 and an uncle at 39, all from a sudden heart attack. My husband is almost 42 and is currently dealing with maladies that if left unattended to, will cause stress and illness to his heart. My husband is my best friend and I love him more with each passing day. I want to see him become his best self in every way possible. I do not want to treat him as my child who needs minding, or as an anxious worrier causing him undue stress when he's already working so hard, as well as dealing with his own health concerns. I want to treat him as a loving and supportive wife who adores him immensely and is a positive encouragement to him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're awesome Lee.

[Lee]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thanks for loving him.

[Lee]

Oh man, he loves me. He deserves it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, even if he doesn't deserve it, just thank you. Being somebody like when I decided to make a lot of changes in my life having a Wife that I knew was ride or die with me. It made all the difference.

[Lee]

Well, he's in that for me, so I just want to give him everything that he's given to me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, so I'm going to give you some hard things and some tools. Is that cool?

[Lee]

Please and thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hard, hard thing number one. You can't want this more than he does.

[Lee]

True.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All you can commit to is I'll tell you the truth and I'll love you.

[Lee]

Do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think I've talked about this on the show. This is a horrific, terrible, awful analogy. But it's the only one in my head, Right? The second one. Okay.

[Lee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I wish I had a better one. I'm gonna commit to finding a better one. But this is the one that just pops into my head.

[Lee]

It's all good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My dad was a hostage negotiator for the SWAT team, okay. @ a major metropolitan city. And so what that meant was if somebody had a bomb or if somebody had hostages or if somebody was going to jump off of something, they called my dad. My dad had a big old mustache. And he would come in. He was usually the plain clothes guy.

[Lee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like the hey, how's it going? Right. So there'd be a policeman in a uniform, like, kind of talking the Syria and my. But my dad was the. The hey. Like, basically pulling up a seat kind of guy. How we doing? And he told me something really important one time. And it's still something that I keep in mind when I do my job every day, whether I'm helping people in flesh and blood in real life, or I am take doing what I'm doing right now, talking to you on the phone, and it's recorded and it's put on the Internet. He said he would always. When he would get off the elevator, he'd go all the way up and somebody's about to jump, or they're saying, I'm going to jump, or he's on a overpass and somebody's going to jump. He would always find a place where he could quietly pray. Give me the words to say the right thing. And then he would go through a quick exercise, watch or listen. And the watcher listen was. And this is harrowing to think through, but this is the reality of hostage negotiators and people that work with hurting people. This may not end well. I may do everything right, and this person jumps. I may do everything right, and this person falls.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Am I going to watch or am I going to listen? And it basically. That was a quick I'm going to do everything that I can, but I can't hold the outcome this other person does. And so I want you to be in that same position. Otherwise you're going to find yourself micromanaging and becoming that angry mother that you don't want to be.

[Lee]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I'm going to get up every day and say, I love you. Dear God, give me the words to say we're going to agree on some accountability together and so that you know your boundaries and your role.

[Lee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then you are going to do everything you can so that you are healthy, so that he has somebody to anchor into.

[Lee]

That is good advice.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying?

[Lee]

I do, I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. Have you told him I'm scared of losing you at a young age?

[Lee]

Yes, several times.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does he hear that?

[Lee]

Yes and no. I. He does hear it and he, he comforts me and he. But he also says I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. So I think there's also a disconnect.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

With him where that's what all men say. Men are invincible until they're. Yeah.

[Lee]

Yes. Because he has expressed to me on his own at other times that he is worried that he doesn't have long just because of the genetics in his family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. He's. Well. And here's the thing. They're not deterministic, but they are sure, like, they're sure, like correlative, right?

[Lee]

Oh, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so, yeah, he should be concerned. He's got a road map of what happens next.

[Lee]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so he just has a daily choice to wake up and ask himself, don't want to go down that road because I know how this ends. And by the way, I know how this ends pain wise for wife, kids, family, extended, whoever. Or I'm gonna have to do something radically different, which means I'm gonna have to choose minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, to be uncomfortable because I've got absolutely no roadmap for what comes next. My mom didn't do it. My dad didn't do it, My brothers didn't do it. I'm gonna be on my own with this amazing woman by my side with a machete, hacking my way through the jungle, creating a new path.

[Lee]

I like it. I think that sounds fantastic.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I mean, you get what I'm saying, like, so in. And the reason I tell you that is I want you to be compassionate for him because for you it's just like, dude, diet and exercise, it's not that hard. And for him it's like every Every comfort, every comforting strategy, every numbing strategy. Plus you're sitting on this time bomb that is your genetics. Like all of this stuff. I'm going to swim upstream. And so it's not. And, and again, it's not just getting out of bed like it is for me or like it is for you.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is a wholesale sea change of living for him.

[Lee]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So cool. I'm going to be compassionate and he has to decide I'm worth being around.

[Lee]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And for a 45 year old unhealthy guy to go to the doctor, that tells me he at least is thinking about it.

[Lee]

He is. He's finally at a point in his life where he realizes it's time to take action and he wants to. And that's a really. That's a huge first step. Honestly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Amazing. All right, so I want you to do a couple of things.

[Lee]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I want you to take him out to a healthy breakfast. Okay. But I want you to take a piece of paper and. And I think this is instructive to have no screens so he feels you plugged in. Like you and a yellow pad. Swing by Walgreens or Walmart and buy yellow pad in the pen.

[Lee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I want you to look at him and say, I want you to give me a roadmap on how I can love you moving forward.

[Lee]

All right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to let him, like, do you want me to tell you? So here's an example. In my life, I've given my wife permission to say, hey, are you really hungry? When she sees me grabbing a thing of cookies and ice cream out of the thing.

[Lee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm not offended. My heart's. In fact, I feel loved.

[Lee]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right now, she came in and was like, oh my gosh, let me see your calorie counter. I'm gonna eat more out of spikes because I'm an immature child. Sometimes when she just gently puts her hand and she'll do it just in passing now, and I'll just become part of. She's like, are you gonna sleep good? And they're not passive aggressive. They're things we've talked about, right?

[Lee]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They like, are you really hungry? And I'll go, no, I'll start laughing and I'll just put it all back. Or occasionally I'll say, no, I'm deciding to make a bad choice. And she'll laugh and be like, cool. But here's the thing. I do that so rarely now that it's. It is funny. It's silly.

[Lee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, oh, you're going to choose to be miserable for next two days. Grown man. All right? And she knows it's not a personal attack. It's not a. And I'm not gonna. It's not gonna become a lifestyle for me. And what. So that's just the way our house works. Or the other morning, she goes, hey, would you do me a quick favor? And I was like, yeah. And she said, will you call? And she named my counselor, my therapist. And I started laughing because it's not a quick thing. It's a big thing. And. But that's her saying, I'm watching a series of behaviors. I'm watching some old patterns emerge. And we've talked about it, and I love you. And so. But. But that came from us sitting down and talking about it and me getting to say, hey, here's how you can best love me. And you can say, I'm not content to sit here and watch you die.

[Lee]

Okay, I can do that. Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I want you to speak into how can I love you? Does it help if I ask you about how your day went when it comes to eating right? Does it help. Does it help you and I ask you to go for a walk with me in the morning? Does it help you to, like, ask those. Those serious questions? Because we're going to leave with a road map.

[Lee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Now, here's a couple other things I'm going to give you.

[Lee]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Number one, I'm going to give you. Give him a subscription to the train. Well, it's the app that I use. My wife uses, my manager's wife use it like it's a personal trainer and a. And an app in one. It's amazing.

[Lee]

So much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. It's amazing. But it has the workouts you can do at home. Whenever I'm traveling, and I'm like, hey, dude, I'm gonna have four kettlebells in a band. It's like, gotcha. I'm just gonna have body weight exercises. Gotcha. And it's amazing. The check, the accountability. It's frustrating because they're always there, but they check in. It's great. Okay, so I'm gonna hook you all up for free with that and I'm gonna hook you up with free with the app that I use for eating, for calories. And it's my friend Dr. Lane Norton's. It's the carbon app. It's. I think it's the best one out on the market.

[Lee]

But you can.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can scan your food, and we'll connect you with. With his team, and they'll get you taken care of there. It's the app I use. It's one on my phone. It's amazing. I just talked to one of my colleagues here the other day that I call him the square root of himself now because he's lost so much weight, and he just said, I just follow the carbon out. I do what it said. So those are a couple of the. What I think are the best tools on the market that I'm just going to give you all for free. Okay. Actually, Blaine, Dr. Norton's gonna give you his thing for free. But I'll hook you up the tradewell app. And here's the bigger thing. At some point, I want you to ask him, would you mind if I went to counseling with you so that I can learn some tools on how I can best love you.

[Lee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to think of food as a way to numb pain. I want you. Or, and I'm assuming he's unhealthy because of dietary choices. Is that fair?

[Nicole]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Is he way overweight?

[Lee]

About 50 pounds? Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. All right. Think of being sedentary. Think of just kind of feeling frozen in his own feet, right in his own shoes. When it comes to diet choices, when it comes to just dealing with stress, he's got a road map ahead of him that his family has given him for generations. And that road map will get you killed. There's a short cliff to it, and he wants to do something differently. But when you say, hey, I'm invested in learning how I can love you. And remember, this is you saying, I. I want to love you. Can I come with you so that I can learn some things? It's not you going, you need to let me come to counseling so that you can. It's not that.

[Lee]

Yeah, that doesn't work.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're asking to be invited in.

[Lee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he might say no. And you don't take it personally because he's healing, but he might say, yeah would be awesome.

[Lee]

I think he would say, yes, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's showing him investment. What you're showing him is, I'm safe. I'm not your mom. I'm your wife. I love you.

[Lee]

Awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that fair?

[Lee]

That is very fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's lucky to have you.

[Lee]

I'm lucky to have him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Will you do one more weird thing for me?

[Lee]

I would love to do one more weird thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Get a journal and put on your bed. And y'all write each other notes every day.

[Lee]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he moves. He moves it to his pillow. You move it to your pillow.

[Lee]

Okay, I love that idea.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if it's not, if he doesn't feel like it's belittling to him or makes him feel, you know, less than sometimes, just saying, like, hey, I saw you reach in and grab the cookies and I saw you stop, catch yourself. I want you to know I'm so proud of you. I saw that. I saw you sneak in one extra lap around the track. I saw you sneak in one extra set of, you know, dumbbell curls in the garage. I saw you. And I'm so proud of you. It's awesome. Or you're inspiring me to go. Go work out a little harder myself. Right? But it's those little notes of encouragement or I saw you struggle today. I want you to know I love you and nothing can ever change that. I saw you working hard, and I'm imagining you giving our daughter away at her wedding. And I just want you to know I'm so grateful for it. And I know she's going to be grateful for it, too. It's those little. Those little things where people feel seen and they feel known and they still feel loved. And sometimes it's hard to say that. It's hard to hear that, but, man, you can read it over and over and over again. So I think it'd be awesome to try that out. Thank you for loving. Well, Lee, you're pretty amazing. He's lucky to have you. You can tell him call me anytime. I'm happy to walk alongside him in any way. And hang on the line here. We'll get you hooked up with TrainWell and with carbon App. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help listen. Right now, BetterHelp is offering the biggest discount I've ever seen. 90% off your first week now through March 31st. Listen, you've heard me say this a thousand times. You're worth being well. And I believe that therapy can help. So if you've been on the fence, this is your chance to try therapy for a fraction of the cost. 90% off your first week. Let's be honest. We all spend money on things that we hope will make us feel better, like streaming subscriptions, new clothes, gym memberships, organic groceries. Some of y'all are even essential oil people. But when it comes to actually digging in and getting real about our mental and emotional well being, we hesitate. Please hear me. Your mental and emotional health is just as important as your physical health. And I know actually going to therapy can seem like a huge first step, but it's more accessible than you think betterhelp makes therapy more convenient because it's online and you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Your well being is worth it and this offer makes it easier than ever to start. Right now. BetterHelp is offering 90% off your first week of therapy now through March 31, 2025. This is the biggest discount we've ever offered on this show. 90 off your first week. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get started. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, we're back. Kelly, am I the problem? It's me.

[Kelly]

All right. This is from Rachel in New Hampshire and she writes, I want to start out by saying that your show has changed my husband's and my relationship and the way that we're raising our children. We cannot thank you enough for everything that you have taught us. Onto my question.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I agree. Continue.

[Kelly]

I am the mother of two young girls who are two weeks and two years old.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh Lord, yes.

[Kelly]

Since my first was born, I have been uncomfortable with the thought of men changing her diapers. Aside from my husband, of course. Recently my father asked why he had never been asked to babysit. When I told him the reason, he told me that I was wrong for feeling this way and sexist and that I needed to get over it. I told him that it's not just him that I've never asked my father in law or stepfather to babysit for the very same reason, though neither of them have been as offended by not being asked as my dad was. Am I in the wrong for feeling this way or did my father take my feelings too personally?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh geez. I Man, there's this one's so layered. I'll start with the Ask me that last question again. Like her last question, that last sentence. I want to make sure I address that one first.

[Kelly]

Am I in the wrong for feeling this way, or did my father take my feelings too personally?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So anytime I tell this to all women and all men, anytime your alarm systems go off when it comes to some sort of sexual impropriety, I always want you to listen to that alarm and I also want you to not listen to that alarm alone. So if something sets your like your little GPS pin in your chest sets it off, like the thought of your father in law changing your infant daughter's diaper, which in no shape, form or fashion is out of bounds is weird or in any way sexualized. Anything other than loving and caretaking. If something in your chest says, whoa, I can't have that happen, let that alarm be heard. And let that be something that you head towards, not away from. And what I say towards, go sit down and talk to somebody close to you. Go talk to a counselor. Go talk to a close friend and say, I feel this super mama bear protection. When I think of another man changing my daughter's diaper, is that bananas? And let your friends say, I didn't feel that, or I get it. And also. Right. So when I say avoiding it, just setting up a perimeter, saying, no man ever in any shape, form, or fashion. No. I don't know. Sunday school helpers. No. No, any of this. Never, never, never. I do think there's just been too many stories. I have a young daughter, like, I'm overly vigilant. I just am. And so I'm overprotective when it comes to this idea of a granddad changing his granddaughter's diaper. No, there's nothing wrong with that. I think it's totally 100 appropriate ants and uncle. I mean, I. I think it's appropriate. I think it's. There's nothing familial. What's the right word? There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think it's a good thing. On the other side of it, something is setting her off. Whether it's something happened to her when she was a kid, whether something had just gotten her head and she heard a story, she knows somebody or her radar on that particular guy or those two particular men are. Is just going off, and it's not good. Here's one other line. So there's all of that. I don't know that any of that matters. I'm gonna be real careful here. I say this. I don't think it matters. When you tell a family member, here's what I'm comfortable with, that family member gets to have their feelings hurt, gets to be frustrated. You're their parent, you're the parent. And so I don't ever want you to feel small or little for your boundaries that you have. And if a family member says, I don't give a crap about your boundaries, I think you're wrong. I think this is ridiculous. Things are stupid. Then you have a right to pull that back. It's going to come with consequences and it come with a cost. That's what I want you to check those boundaries with friends, with counselors or whoever. But I guess I would tell her, yeah, it's not weird at all for father in law to change diaper. In fact, most father in laws won't. So I think it's pretty amazing and it's not wrong that you have something in your chest saying this isn't right. And it's also not right for him to belittle you for feeling that. Does that make sense? It's all of it, all in one big pot. Okay, so that's a lot there. What do you think? Tell me if I'm wrong on any of that.

[Kelly]

No, I think I agree with all that. I can. And I can also understand from his perspective. That would be hard to hear. That'd be devastating that your daughter. Cause in this case it was her father thinks that you would do something so I can how he handled it. No, I don't think was correct telling her she's wrong.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I would be devastated.

[Kelly]

But that would be a horrible thing to hear that you think that I could ever. Someone who probably changed her diapers, you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Know, or maybe never did and was like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna do it right this time. I didn't participate.

[Kelly]

He wants to babysit his grandchildren. Yes. I can see where that would be heartbreaking.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes, I get devastating, and I would say not anxiety in the clinical sense, but this angst that she feels. I want her to go talk to somebody because this will trickle out into other areas of this kid's life, this kid's lived experience, where grandparents feel at arm's length and dad may be okay now, but there's, you know, it's gonna be weirder and weirder and weirder and weirder. So, yeah, I wanted to go talk to somebody about that, and I think that's worth digging into. But I guess I tell everybody, man, your feelings are your feelings. And when the dashboard light comes on on your car, you don't just immediately spray paint over it as though it doesn't count when it comes up. You at least got to check in and see is this right? My check oil lights on now. I buy my oil from my friend Michael, who's a. An executive. Shaffer oil, the best oil on the planet. Free plug there, and they don't pay, but it's amazing. And I don't have to get it changed every 3, 000 miles because it's amazing stuff. My car, the light comes on and I go, oh, do I need to check? I check the mileage just to make sure. And then I go, oh, no, no, I'm good. Right. And so I go on, I check it, but I move on. Same with your feelings, man. If you get a bad sense, I'm gonna listen to it. But, dude. Yeah, it's not appro. Inappropriate for dads and grandparents to be involved. In fact, I think it's pretty amazing. So there you go. Cool. Great. Grand. This is usually when the music comes up and I'm trying to figure out how to end the show.

[Kelly]

I think we just say, good job.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I quit. Just kidding. I don't know.

[Kelly]

You don't. You can't. Sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What else am I gonna go do? Chad? GPT Took my professor job. I mean, I'm kind of stuck here, so let's do this. Youtubes. Love you guys. Bye.