I Discovered My Husband’s Secret in Vegas

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show – "I Discovered My Husband’s Secret in Vegas"

Podcast Information:

• Title: The Dr. John Delony Show
• Host/Author: Ramsey Network
• Description: A caller-driven show offering real talk on relationships and mental health challenges. Listeners are encouraged to send questions via voicemail at 844-693-3291 or email at [e-mail].
• Episode: I Discovered My Husband’s Secret in Vegas
• Release Date: July 16, 2025

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Introduction

In this compelling episode titled "I Discovered My Husband’s Secret in Vegas," Dr. John Deloney addresses two significant relationship crises presented by callers. The primary focus is on Elise, who grapples with uncovering her husband's gambling addiction, and Marlon, who seeks guidance after his wife confessed to an affair that occurred during their engagement. Dr. Deloney offers insightful advice aimed at navigating these tumultuous situations, emphasizing accountability, communication, and rebuilding trust.

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Caller 1: Elise – Discovering Her Husband’s Gambling Problem

Background: Elise shares her long-term marriage since high school and her recent discovery of her husband's gambling habits. Initially unaware of his financial mismanagement due to his control over the finances, Elise began suspecting irregularities about a year or two ago. Her investigation revealed that her husband had visited the casino 17 times in the past month, spending nearly $3,000, leading to overdue major bills.

Key Points & Discussions:

• Initial Discovery:
  [00:05] Elise explains how accessing the bank account unveiled her husband's frequent casino visits and substantial spending:

  "I discovered that he had gone to the casino 17 times in the previous month. He had spent almost $3,000 at the casino."

• Confrontation and Lack of Follow-Through:
  [02:31] Despite confronting her husband and setting demands like weekly financial talks and couples therapy, none of these measures have been sustained:

  "None of that stuff has stuck."

• Dr. Deloney’s Analysis:
  Dr. Deloney highlights Elise's reluctance to enforce her demands, suggesting it stems from a long history of allowing her husband to control financial decisions without pushing back:

  "[...] I think you didn't want to take him on." (03:04)

Advice Provided:

• Take Ownership:
  Dr. Deloney urges Elise to acknowledge her role in inadvertently enabling the situation by not paying attention to the finances earlier:

  "But I just want you to take your ownership part of this." (03:20)

• Comprehensive Financial Review:
  He emphasizes the importance of pulling credit reports for everyone in the household to fully understand the financial damage:

  "By the end of the day, I want every single credit report pulled on everybody." (06:19)

• Detailed Transaction Analysis:
  Elise is advised to meticulously review the last two to three years of bank statements to uncover the extent of the financial misconduct:

  "Get the last two or three years of bank statements [...] write down [...] cash withdrawals." (08:40)

• Establish Boundaries and Consequences:
  Dr. Deloney recommends setting clear boundaries, such as stopping access to credit until the situation is resolved, and being prepared for potential escalation:

  "If you were gambling again, you are choosing to move out of this house." (14:28)

• Addressing Financial Infidelity:
  He introduces the concept of "financial infidelity," underscoring the severity of taking loans or opening credit accounts without consent:

  "I call that financial infidelity." (13:33)

Notable Quotes:

• "[...] you're equal as pissed off at yourself." – Dr. John Deloney (08:57)
• "Gambling is just destroying families." – Dr. John Deloney (10:21)

Conclusion for Elise's Case: Dr. Deloney emphasizes that Elise must confront the issue head-on to protect her family’s financial stability and emotional well-being. He underscores the necessity of transparency and accountability to prevent further financial and relational deterioration.

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Caller 2: Marlon – Wife’s Affair During Engagement

Background: Marlon, a caller from San Antonio, shares his struggles after his wife admitted to having an affair during their engagement years ago. They have been married for 12 years with two young children. The revelation has led to his wife feeling trapped and unsure about the future of their marriage, experiencing fluctuating emotions between love and despair.

Key Points & Discussions:

• Affair Disclosure:
  [19:19] Marlon recounts how his wife's affair became evident only after their engagement, leading to trust issues and emotional instability within the marriage:

  "I've been married for 12 years. Recently I came clean to him about an affair I had during our engagement."

• Emotional Turmoil:
  His wife experiences a roller coaster of emotions, balancing feelings of love with periods of intense doubt and regret:

  "I know he's trying. He still told me he loves me. And then, like, we've been intimate and he tells me nothing." (25:09)

• Dr. Deloney’s Analysis:
  Dr. Deloney explores the deep-seated betrayal Marlon feels, not just for the past affair but for the ongoing dishonesty that has undermined their relationship foundation:

  "Because you slept with somebody 12 years ago [...] it's just unmourning." (27:53)

Advice Provided:

• Allow Space for Grieving:
  Marlon is advised to give his wife the space to process her emotions without pressure:

  "Let him grieve a bit."

• Rebuilding Trust:
  Dr. Deloney outlines steps for rebuilding trust, including open communication, daily affirmations of love, and setting new boundaries:

  "I'm going to ask you every single morning how I can love you today." (28:01)

• Support Systems:
  Encourages Marlon to seek support from friends and possibly join support groups to navigate the emotional challenges:

  "You will need a couple of girlfriends that you can talk to."

• Honest Conversations:
  Recommends having honest and vulnerable discussions to redefine the relationship’s foundation and address lingering trust issues:

  "Ask him how do we rebuild trust from here." (29:35)

Notable Quotes:

• "It's going to be a tough road since." – Marlon (19:31)
• "You're going to have to take this thing by the horns." – Dr. John Deloney (09:14)

Conclusion for Marlon's Case: Dr. Deloney emphasizes the importance of honest communication and mutual effort in rebuilding a fractured relationship. He advises Marlon to support his wife while also setting clear boundaries to prevent future dishonesty, fostering a path toward healing and restoration.

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Additional Insights

Throughout the episode, Dr. Deloney underscores the pervasive impact of addictions and infidelity on family dynamics. He stresses the importance of confronting issues directly, the necessity of transparency in relationships, and the role of professional support in navigating complex emotional landscapes.

Key Takeaways:

• Accountability: Both callers learned the importance of taking ownership of their roles in their respective relationship challenges.
• Transparency: Open communication and complete financial honesty are crucial in rebuilding trust.
• Support Systems: Leveraging external support, whether through therapy or support groups, is essential for healing.
• Setting Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries and consequences helps in managing and mitigating ongoing issues.

Notable Quotes for Reflection:

• "Gambling is just destroying families." – Dr. John Deloney (10:21)
• "I'm going to prove to myself that I can walk through this thing and take on my husband, take on the safety of our kids, take on the safety of our financial future." – Dr. John Deloney (09:35)

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Conclusion

In "I Discovered My Husband’s Secret in Vegas," Dr. John Deloney provides invaluable guidance to individuals facing severe relationship challenges stemming from gambling addiction and infidelity. Through empathetic listening and practical advice, he empowers callers to take decisive actions toward healing and rebuilding their lives.

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Note: Advertisements and non-content segments were excluded from this summary to focus on the core discussions and advice provided during the episode.

Transcript

[Elise]

I then got into the bank account and did some digging and discovered that he had gone to the casino 17 times in the previous month. He had spent almost $3,000 at the casino.

[Dr. John Deloney]

By the end of the day, I want every single credit report pulled on everybody.

[Marlon]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

You don't fully know how bad this is. What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Del Deloney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls on your marriage, your kids, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your Life. Go to john deloney.com askask and fill out the form and we will get you loaded in. And I'd love to have you on the show. Real people are going through really tough challenges. All right, Chicago, Illinois. Let's talk to Elise. What's up, Elise?

[Elise]

Hi there. How's it going?

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm doing all right. How about you?

[Elise]

I'm doing pretty good.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's up?

[Elise]

So my question is how to kind of support and navigate a spouse that has a gambling problem.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, gosh, what a nightmare.

[Marlon]

I know.

[Elise]

Not a fun one.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How bad is it?

[Elise]

Well, just a little backstory.

[Marlon]

He.

[Elise]

We've been married a long time, since high school. We've been together since high school. But he always managed all of the finances. So I never even really paid too much attention. I never logged into the bank account, nothing. I kind of had blinders on, I guess. And so fast forward to probably about a year or two ago, I started getting that feeling of like, okay, we make decent money, but like, we never have any money. We're always scraping by. He's always, like, complaining that, you know, you know, he's having a hard time paying bills and things. And I was like, okay, things aren't adding up. It doesn't matter. Make sense, right? So I started to kind of do some digging on my own, which ended up turning into kind of a huge blow up about probably six months ago where I kind of uncovered that, you know, he had been gambling a lot more than he was admitting to and was spending way more money than I thought that he was. So I kind of confronted him. We had a nice chat about it.

[Marlon]

He.

[Elise]

I kind of told him, these are the things that I need from you or want from you to kind of move forward. And so one of those was, let's have a weekly, like, talk about our finances. I wanted to start, like, couples therapy, a couple other things. Well, fast forward to now. None of that stuff has stuck.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Why didn't you demand it?

[Elise]

I don't know. I Don't have a good answer for that. I think I kind of wanted to, like, give him the benefit of the doubt.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I don't think that's it. I think you didn't want to take him on.

[Elise]

That's probably true.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How come?

[Elise]

Because I never have. I've always kind of let him take the reins on everything, and I've sort.

[Marlon]

Of.

[Elise]

Never really pushed for what I want or need, I guess, in our marriage.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. Before we go forward, he's clearly got a problem. He's clearly not doing well. But I just want you to take your ownership part of this.

[Marlon]

Sure.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That you found out. Like, actually, you. You didn't even want to look. You had blinders on. Like, you said, forever. How long. How long have y' all been married?

[Elise]

17 years.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, so. So for 16 years, you're just buried your head in the sand. I don't want to know. And my gut tells me that your gut told you long before you finally called it correct. Like, and he probably has some tells on when he's spinning out and trying to cover losses and whatever. And you just buried your head, and then you finally called him on it, and you said, this is my demands, and then you just put your head back in the dirt. Right.

[Marlon]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, Then what happened?

[Elise]

So I found out that we are late on some of the bills that are obviously the main bills, like our house, car, et cetera. And so then I kind of confronted him about it again. We had a talk last week, and I actually decided that we both work full time. So I told him that I already made the decision. I opened my own bank account, and I changed my direct deposit to go to my own account so that I can kind of take over and make sure that our major bills are paid. But that doesn't fix the problem, you know, like, there's something underlying that is causing him to do it, and I don't know what that is.

[Marlon]

And.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What did you. What did you find out a couple of weeks ago.

[Elise]

Like, as far as.

[Dr. John Deloney]

The finances, or was there after you had your big talk six months ago? And then I guess nothing really changed, and he just kept gambling and gambling. Was there a big. Was there a big something that happened? Did he lose a ton of money or. How'd you find out again?

[Elise]

Well, I had to go out of town with one of our kids for a sporting event. And when I got home that. That Sunday, he told me we were going to overdraw, and it didn't make sense because I had just gotten paid on Friday. And so I Was like, how did we go through my whole paycheck in a matter of, you know, two days? And so I then got into the bank account and did some digging and discovered that he had gone to the casino about 17 times in the previous month. So last month. And that he had spent almost $3,000 at the casino, but then didn't make the house payment, didn't make the car payment. So then I kind of was like, all right, this is obviously a problem, we got to talk about this. And. And here we are.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So have you pulled all your credit reports?

[Marlon]

Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So you've pulled his, you've pulled yours. Have you pulled credit reports on all your kids too?

[Elise]

Okay. So no, I have not pulled his myself and I've not pulled my kids, but I do know I have pulled mine.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. By the end of the day, I want every single credit report pulled on everybody.

[Marlon]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You don't fully know how bad this is.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And if, when you start getting to not making house payments, I'm promising you it's not because of a three thousand dollar expenditure. You don't go to a casino seventeen times and only transfer, like play with three grand over the course of seventeen times. Right. You know what I mean? Like that's. That.

[Elise]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That would be so abnormal, especially for somebody who's struggling with gambling addiction.

[Elise]

That makes sense.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And who knows what's happening on his phone. The online gambling is just, it's destroying families.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And it's disproportionately destroying men. They gamble all day, every day. They don't even have to go to a casino. The fact that he went to a casino tells me. I don't. I mean, I don't. It's just gonna be conjecture. But yeah, you're right to open a checking account to make sure you can pay your house, you don't lose your home.

[Marlon]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm almost gonna guarantee you this is going to get way, way worse before it gets better because you don't think you know the bottom of it yet.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so. But he's got to pull his credit report asap and you'll find out what you're on the hook for. It would not surprise me if there's a HELOC out on your home. It wouldn't surprise me if there's stuff in pawn shops or wouldn't surprise me if he's got a huge line of credit somewhere with credit cards or with the banks. I mean, like, I don't know, I just do this for a living. And these gambling calls are Getting more and more and more pervasive, and they're getting more and more pernicious. They're just a mess right now.

[Marlon]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Elise]

Because what I know of is I know he's taken out some personal loans, and I. You know, he admitted to those when we had our talk last week.

[Marlon]

But.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So I wouldn't.

[Elise]

You're right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I wouldn't listen.

[Marlon]

Admitted.

[Dr. John Deloney]

His admission means nothing to me now.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Could care less what he's told me about. I want to see it with my own eyes.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And for you, here's your homework assignment is to go get the last two or three years of bank statements.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

When go with a ruler and go down line by line by line, print them out and write down in a ledger. Cash withdrawals. Write down in a ledger. Like, I want you to get to the bottom. Because here's the thing. You're equally as pissed off at yourself.

[Marlon]

Oh, for sure.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And you're gonna just spin and spin and spin and spin. And your tendency over the last almost 20 years is just to put your head in the sand. And for the sake of your kids, you can't do that.

[Marlon]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Like, you're gonna have to take this thing by the horns.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And you would be a very, very fortunate, fortunate woman to have this not be a huge, way bigger mess than you think. But I don't care what he's told me. I don't care what he has convinced me of. I don't care what he's admitted to. None of that matters anymore. I want to see print off everything. We're going to get to the bottom of how bad this is.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And on his credit report, it will show any open accounts because he may have his own separate checking account, too.

[Marlon]

Right.

[Elise]

I don't know.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. Exactly. And here's the deal. He's earned that. You'll have both earned this. And so. But he's earned. Like, he's earned the right for. You've earned the right to go look in everything.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And when he says, you don't trust me. Absolutely not. Zero. Zero. Do I trust you? None.

[Marlon]

Correct.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And by the way, again, I don't keep piling on here. And I'm saying this much for the audience, as for you, gambling has also become the easiest way to pass off getting caught in an affair. What do you mean there's $3,000 gone? Oh, no. I've been gambling. I got a problem.

[Marlon]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so I want to know what all of this money is going. And if you find hotels, if you find airbnbs, whatever. That wouldn't surprise me. Nothing in this case surprises me.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Elise]

And that's kind of where my head goes, too, is like, if I. If you've been lying to me about this and kind of covering this up, like, what else could you be lying about?

[Dr. John Deloney]

But I want you to sit down and have the conversation with him. I let this go on in my life.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so I am refusing to let this go on one step further. And it sounds like if you're unsafe physically and that's why you haven't taken him on for all these years, then you're gonna have to deal with that. You're gonna have to get out of the house. If it's emotional and he's just loud or he's a baby or he cry, whatever, you're gonna have to. You're gonna have to navigate your safety here. There's usually a reason why somebody doesn't take somebody on for 20 years.

[Elise]

It's the latter.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. All right, so it's part. Here's how the conversation goes. Here's your prompt. I'm going to give you. Sit down tonight and say, hey, I've had some time to spin this up and think this through. I need you to not. No crying, no whining, no throwing a fit. I need you to be a grown man here at this table, and I'm going to be a grown woman. I failed our marriage by letting this thing go on for 20 years and left you out in the wind. And you failed this marriage by continually keeping secrets in line to all of us and then just pissing our money away.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So from this point forward, you're going to have a new wife, and it's going to be day one, and I am going to be involved in every single thing. Here's all the credit reports. Here's our kids credit reports. I'm going through everything, and if he goes, are you kidding me? You pulled the kids? Yes, I did. Every single thing I want to know. Because you. You, Elise, are not going to be able to walk through your own house because you don't trust yourself either.

[Marlon]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So part of this, like standing up tall, throwing your head back, throwing your shoulders back, is I'm going to prove to myself that I can walk through this thing and take on my husband, take on the safety of our kids, take on the safety of our financial future, and you don't know at least what you're connected to. I'm glad that you pulled your credit report. You had nothing pulled on you or anything like that.

[Marlon]

The.

[Elise]

There was a few, like, personal loans that he had taken out that were. That have my name on them as well.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, hell no. Oh, my gosh. Yes. You're on the hook for him.

[Marlon]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

If he moves out tomorrow, you're on the hook for that.

[Marlon]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How much did he tell. How much have you all figured up via him that you're in the hole?

[Elise]

Probably around 20 grand.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I bet it's triple that.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And. And I cannot tell you how. How hopeful I am that I'm wrong. I hope I'm so wrong on that.

[Marlon]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And if you're off. I mean, if you're off 20 grand, man, you would. You're a. You're a lucky, lucky person.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Because y' all can solve that problem pretty quick with some discipline. And then the next thing is he's got to start seeing. Going to Gamblers Anonymous tomorrow.

[Elise]

And what if he doesn't?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Then you have a choice to make.

[Marlon]

Yeah. Or he has a choice already.

[Elise]

Yeah. Because I already recommended that. I thought he needed to get.

[Dr. John Deloney]

We're done with recommendations. Yeah, because he's taking out loans in your name, Elise.

[Marlon]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Like he's making you. In my world, I call that financial infidelity.

[Marlon]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

He's bringing other people in this place, bankers into your marriage, into your relationships, into your safety, into your ability to provide for yourself and for your kids. And so there's got to be a line in the sand. But you get to decide what that is. You might say, you know what? I married a gambler. This is what this is, and we're going to figure this out. And it's only 20 grand. And I'm going to go on and pretend nothing's going on. You can do that or you can say, if you gamble again, you are choosing to move out of this house.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

If you were. If you are gambling again, and by the way, I would put a stop on your credit. And I put a stop on your kid's credit.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So that he can't pull any more. Open any more lines of credit. They have to. They'll contact you if somebody tries to pull open up a line of credit on it.

[Marlon]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. Here's my fear. I'm going to paint you a worst case scenario. My fear is this is real bad. And he's going to start panicking in the next few days because he thinks he's got you soothed over now. And because of how you've acted in the past, he's probably right to think that. And he's going to go pull Something else out to cover how big this mess actually is.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And then he's going to move out. You're going to find out, you're going to kick him out or whatever, and then it's going to be a disaster because you're going to have to cover that loan because the bank doesn't care your name's on it.

[Marlon]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Or you're going to spend two years fighting him in court for it, and he's just not going to have it. And then the whole time, the. The bank keeps wanting that house note and the bank keeps wanting that car note.

[Marlon]

Right, Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Hopefully that's not the case.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But if this is day one, Elise, this is when you stand up and you draw your sword and say, as for me at my house.

[Marlon]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You're not making me and my kids unsafe anymore. But I would frame it with, we're going to have a real hard conversation, probably one you've never had with me. Yeah, but I'm scared in my own house and I can't rely on you for that safety right now. And so I'm gonna have to take action. I want everything. And we're going to pull the stuff right this second in front of me. Get on the computer and download them right now. And we'll link in the show notes to the. To the site where you can pull all three of your credit reports really quickly and they'll just email them to you, but we'll go from there. Everybody listening. Gambling is just. It's just destroying families. It's just something. I don't know, man. It's not a thing I've ever struggled with. And so I can. I can go and have my silly little fun and I don't have an app on my phone. I wouldn't know how to gamble online. I mean, I don't know how to do it. I'm sure I can figure it out, but it's never been a struggle of mine and I'm super grateful for that. I've got other struggles, but that's just not one of them. But I tell you what it is destroying families. And gentlemen, if you're listening to this and you are over your head gambling, especially online with your phone or whatever, Today's the day. Call it. Call it. I'm just taking too many calls on this show and on the other show, we get too many emails from all over the world by especially men blowing up their families because they've gambled away so much. Today's the day. Stop. Pull a plug on it. Delete the apps, go get help and be honest with your partner about how bad it is. Everybody listening? With gambling challenges, today's day one. It's going to be up to us because nobody else is looking out for us. All right, coming up, we talked to a woman who's been married for over a decade and just admitted to an affair while she was engaged. Whoa. All right. It's Cozy Earth time. Just hearing the terms nine to five is a drag. It makes you think of your boss with coffee breath or co workers with no boundaries or trying to work from home with kids running around acting bonkers. Ugh. That's why Cozy Earth wants to make your five to nine, the time that matters most, the most comfortable part of your day. Cozy Earth is a big part of how my wife and I make our home warm and and cozy. My wife gets into her cozy Earth PJs as early as possible without being weird. And I love Cozy Earth T shirts and pants because they're soft and breathable and also tough. They survived my front yard wrestling matches with my daughter and my long jogs with my son. Plus, my family all loves Cozy Earth's temperature regulating sheets. They naturally wick away heat and moisture from your body to help you sleep several degrees cooler. Cozy Earth is so confident they offer a hundred night sleep trial. Try them during the hottest nights of the year and if you don't absolutely love them, return them hassle free. And of course, Cozy earth offers a 10 year warranty on all bedding products for a decade of great sleep. Go to cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney for 40% off. The best selling temperature regulating sheets, apparel, towels and more. Trust me, you'll feel the difference. That's cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to save 40% off sleep cooler, lounge lighter and stay cozy. Go to San Antonio, Texas, home of some of the greatest cooking on the planet and talk to Marlon. What's up, Marlon?

[Marlon]

Hi, Dr. John.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How are we doing?

[Marlon]

Very much for taking my call, of course. I'm doing good. Good, I guess. But it's been a tough two weeks.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Let me know what's going on.

[Marlon]

Okay, so I guess a little bit of background about myself. I've been married for 12 years. I've been with my husband since we were 15. So high school sweethearts, two kids, five and three. And recently I came clean to him about an affair I had during our engagement. And it's been a tough road since.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Marlon]

Now a little bit of backstory on that Affair. So my husband and I got engaged when we were 20. 22. 21, I believe. Going into 22, he joined the military. And we decided that, you know, sharing life together was something that we wanted to do. He told me that he didn't see himself leaving and being by himself. He wanted to be with me and just, you know, start everything with me. So it was something that we discussed, something that we talked, pretty much planned and, you know, had our parents blessings and getting married. He left for training basic and then ait. So pretty much for about a year. When he came back home, he. I found out that he had had an affair in training. And mind you, like, this is all through, like, our engagement process. He swears that it only happened once, although he didn't come clean at the time. But it, you know, the signs were there. I just knew that it happened. It was. It was clear to me that take.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Take me to yours. Take meteors. I feel like you're kind of circling a little bit because you don't want to talk about it. Take meteors. So was yours a revenge affair?

[Marlon]

I. I was heartbroken. I was. I guess I'm not. I don't know if it was a revenge affair. I remember. I honestly don't even remember clearly. You know, everything that happened, it was more like I was hanging out with a friend. We went to a bar, had a chat, conversation, just drinks, and one thing led to the other and it just happened.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I mean, that's not how that works, but we'll go with it just for now. So how long have y' all been married? Y' all been married? 12 years.

[Marlon]

12 years.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And how old are you now?

[Marlon]

35.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Marlon]

We do have a thing. When we first started, he's the one that told me, you know, we're in our safe space. This is our safe space. We can talk about anything. You can tell me anything, and I feel comfortable telling you anything. And that has always been, you know, our thing, since we usually kind of hint that out to each other, like, hey, we're in our safe space. Like, let's be open about anything and everything.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But you have to understand that safe space for him is built on a foundation that he found out a couple weeks ago didn't exist.

[Marlon]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You know, you know what I'm saying? Does that make sense? Like, even you choosing to be in a safe space with him 12 years, a decade plus later, after you found out that he cheated on you once while he was away training, even then, you chosen, I'm still going to marry you. I'm still going to enter into this. This marriage with you. We've made two kids. We've built a life together. And so, like, the safety that you feel, you knew everything. Right. And it was anchored in his. He was anchored into something that he found out was sand. So how can I help you? This sounds like a big one.

[Marlon]

So exactly. That I feel like. I mean, he. I just want to know how I can.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's he saying? What's he telling you?

[Marlon]

Gates? Things along the lines that you just said. Things like, had he known before, he wouldn't have married me.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Marlon]

Things like, things would have been different. He feels stuck now. I robbed him from a decision to make. He has two kids and a mortgage now. He doesn't trust me. He doesn't believe me. He sees me differently. I'm a hypocrite liar. Nothing matters. And I guess it's like, also disappointment that he mentions. And I guess just those things that he keeps or that he said in this past week keep circling in my head. I know he's trying. He still told me he loves me. And then, like, we've been intimate and he tells me nothing. Like, my feelings towards you haven't changed. But then he has days where he's like, everything has changed.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Marlon]

So it's like a big roller coaster.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So listen, you're. You're going to have to let him grieve a bit, and he's going to say things that probably, in retrospect, he doesn't mean. And I'm not saying it's okay. He probably would have still married you. I think if I'm him, I would be remembering back to how scary it was when I had to sit down, whether I got caught or whether I told you, whatever, sit down and have the conversation with you that he'd been unfaithful during your engagement. And then he'd screw. Like, the shame he felt and how embarrassed he felt, and then for you to just go do the same thing and then keep it quiet for a decade. I think he's finding out that you're not who he thought he was. Not because you slept with somebody 12 years ago or 13 or 14 years ago, but because he did something that's very scary for men to do, which is to go all in and create a safe space with somebody else emotionally, and not just someone to have sex with, but somebody like y'. All. Y' all talk about everything.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And the worst thing that could have happened to a guy who has the courage to do that is he found out he was anchored into something that the person he was being totally 100, totally 100 open with wasn't being open with him. My guess is the Betrayal is after 10 years or 12 years, he's like, who are you? Not because of what happened 12 years ago, but. But because of, oh, my gosh, dude. We created the safest, most comfortable, most intimate relationship possible because we talked about everything. And so I don't like asking for a way to navigate this. Sounds like, how do I work around it? How do I hack this? How do we just get from here to there? And I guess what I would tell you is there's just going to be some sitting in it. This is hard. And I think the question is, how do I begin to regain your trust? I want to be married to you, I want to love you. And I kept a secret from you for a long, long time. And then he's going to get to set the table for what is trust rebuilding look like? And then you're going to get to decide, do I want to be a part of that or not? Because I think in his head, he loves you, he wants to be with you. Y' all made a family together. You're his person forever. And also, my gosh, who are you? I thought I was safe.

[Marlon]

Yeah, I mean, you're right. I. I absolutely understand that. And.

[Dr. John Deloney]

He doesn't get to be abusive and swear at you and yell and become a child. I didn't get to do that. But it doesn't surprise me that he's like, man, I never would have done this. And that's somebody who's just in a lot of pain right now because the ground they were walking on just dissolves underneath him. It's like walking over a sinkhole and the whole thing caves in. But I think there's just going to be some. I don't know, I don't have any data to back up what I'm about to say, but I've just sat with folks who found out somebody had an affair, like a one night stand. Somebody had somebody they met at work and things got out of control and, you know, here we are. But I've talked to people who had an affair a long time ago, and they never said anything. They never said anything. They never said anything. And everything they built, it has an unmooring effect. Neither of them are great and they always cause a lot of angst and, and turmoil. But, yeah, I think this is gonna be tough. I. I mean, I think asking, how can I earn your trust back? What's a path back look like, or let me say it this way, the marriage that you had is now over. Do you all want to go through and build a new one? I guess I just want to, I, I, I want to validate on this side of it. Hearing this. If my wife was to come to me and say, hey, by the way this happened, I wouldn't leave. But it would be devastating to me, mainly because somehow in my mind, in my spirit and my soul, I would think I created a world so unsafe for her that she couldn't come tell me something that happened this long ago and that would be really heavy for me to carry. And then I would think, you know, actually, I did create a safe enough place. And then I would get mad.

[Marlon]

I think that's something that he's been going through.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. Anger is, is a core part of the, of the GRE of, you know, the stages of grief.

[Marlon]

He did mention just this past weekend that just this past week he had thought and regretted how if he wouldn't have had his affair, I wouldn't have done anything. And then he switches to like, no, but you made a conscious decision.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's right. That's just, hey, that's a.

[Marlon]

And I get it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's a guy trying to get his footing after the, after the floor just fell off from under him. So I think the greatest gift you can give him is space.

[Marlon]

He has mentioned divorce is not an option, but he did mention a couple times that, about separation, that he thought about separation. I'm not sure.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So, so, so listen, Marlon, just let him process, okay? Sounds like he's a good man. Sounds like he's trying to make sense. He just got dumped into the ocean. He's trying to figure out how to, to get his bearings straight so he could swim back to shore. And I, I, I think the greatest gift you can give him right now is to say, hey, the foundation of this marriage. Like, he can't deny that you've shown up for him minute by minute, day by day, year by year. He knows that. And he's telling you, I'm not going to divorce you. I'm not leaving you over this. But I just, I, every thought I have is just spinning. And it sounds like y' all have created such a safe environment where he can say what's on his heart and mind. Most men wouldn't do that. That, so big kudos to him. But it sounds like he's saying, I'm not going to leave you. But my gosh, I'm thinking about it, and I feel trapped, but I don't. I wouldn't trade my life for anything. It's like that. It's a. It's him trying to just get his equilibrium back. And a great gift you can give him is to say, hey, the foundation that our house was built on, I, I recognize that I didn't tell you the truth about it. So you feeling like one minute this way, one minute that way, Totally get it. And I recognize that we got to rebuild our marriage from, from the floor up. I've always been who I, I am, except for this one big giant secret. And I kept it from you. And I was wrong and I'm sorry. And all of your feelings are valid and good. And I'm going to ask you every single morning how I can love you today. And I think you, Marlon, just expecting. It's going to be a roller coaster. There's going to be some real highs and some real lows, and he's just, it's just a guy trying to get his footing back. And then y' all will have a hard, what I would call a reckoning conversation about, okay, what does marriage look like moving forward and what's that going to look like and how are we going to navigate that? But I, I guess just want to reiterate. The hardest thing in the world for men, I think, is to be emotionally and spiritually vulnerable with somebody. Because in our day to day lives, it will get us killed. It'll get us kicked out of the table, it'll get us not invited to the meetings, which in our world is akin to death. It's just, it's. It just gets you ostracized. And he created a world with you for that. And he found out it wasn't what he thought it was. And so it's not. I, I personally don't think it's about what happened so long ago. It's, it's this constant compounding of, man, I've got this. He's walking around thinking he's got the safest emotional relationship on the planet. And he finds out, except she's got the capacity to hold a huge secret from me for over a decade plus. It's just unmourning. She's going to take some time, but go to him and acknowledge I blew it up. I did. And I led you to believe that I was always 100 with you. And on this one issue, I wasn't. And God help you, make sure that there's not another lie, another story, another dishonesty thing out there. It's Time to put everything, everything on the table. If you got a secret credit card, if you sent pictures to another guy you met one night at a bar, like whatever, make sure it's all on the table. And just tell him every day I'm going to ask you this. And he can tell you nothing. He can tell you, I just need some space. I need you to just come be with me tonight. Like whatever that is, I'm all in. And then ask him how do we rebuild trust from here? And he's going to get to set it down and go from there. This is a tough one, Marlon. And I don't know an easy way. The only way through this one is right through the middle of it. And by the way, you're going to need a couple of girlfriends that you can talk to and text and be honest with. You can't hold all of this by yourself. Getting a gang is going to be important here. Thank you for the call. Call anytime. And if he wants to call me, I'd love to talk to him too. I'd love to talk to him too. We come back, we talk to a man who wonders how to talk to his buddy about a drinking problem. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Therapy is not just for people dealing with major traumas. It can be for major traumas, but it's also a valuable tool for anyone looking to just improve their mental and emotional well being or their relationships. I see a therapist for both the big challenges from my past as well as for helping me navigate the day to day challenges that just pop up. Many of you should consider seeing a therapist too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, if you're contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. They also have over 10 years of experience matching people with just the right therapist for them to get started. You just fill out a short online survey to get matched with the licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you, you can switch therapists at any time, easily and for no extra cost. Talk it out with better help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. HP.com DeLoney Witchita, Kansas let's talk to Bach Sebastian. What's up?

[Sebastian]

Hey, Dr. John.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How we doing brother?

[Sebastian]

Good, how are you?

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm doing great. What's going on, man?

[Sebastian]

Well, I'm just wondering how to talk to my friend about his drinking problem.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Tell me about it.

[Sebastian]

Well, he's. He's 20, and he's already gotten a DUI about a year or two ago, so he's been through that whole process already. And I'm just worried about him and want to know how to get through to him, but stop it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Is he still drinking? Unsafe? Yeah. Yeah. So you know your friend. How does he take these type of conversations?

[Sebastian]

We've never really had a. I guess a vulnerable conversation with each other.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Sebastian]

So I'm not too sure.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So I think this is one of those conversations that there's not a soft way to do it other than to say, hey, I need to have a hard conversation with you and I love you. And I would say both of those words up front, and you may have never said either of those. I mean, doesn't sound like you've ever said either of those words up front. And it'll catch his attention and say, I'm worried about your drinking. You drink too much, ma'.

[Marlon]

Am.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. And tell them I'll go to a meeting with you. I can't drink with you anymore. I can't watch you get in the car and drive anymore after you've been drinking. And you're my brother, and I don't want to walk away from you, but I can't be a part of this. Yeah.

[Sebastian]

I. I don't drink with him at all.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. And maybe you say that. Maybe you say, I've. I want you to see. I don't even drink with you because I'm worried about you.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How old is he? Said he's 20.

[Sebastian]

Yeah, he's just turned 20.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. He's not even legal to be drinking.

[Sebastian]

Yeah, I know.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But. Yeah, he. And. And here's the deal, man. I've had this conversation, especially when I was your age, about certain things, and a couple of them went really well. And one of them in particular went horrible. God said, who do you think you are? Filled in a blank with a whole bunch of expletives. And we went back and forth, and we didn't talk for a while.

[Sebastian]

Yeah. I guess that's what I'm a little worried about.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'll tell you on the. On the worio meter, my worry is always, I want you to be alive and hate me more than I want you to be dead and know I kept the peace.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And if you have a couple other buddies that are in your. In your circle, in your gang, then it would be great to have them come along too, okay. And expect him to lash out. And I know this about you, and you do this and you're not perfect. Be like, yeah, 100%, I know I'm not perfect. I'm just worried about you dying.

[Sebastian]

Yeah, that's my main concern. Either him or someone else.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, I want you to do some homework and find out when a meeting is. And maybe there's one this evening in your local community, an AA meeting. And tell them I'll go with you.

[Marlon]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

All right. Tell them I'll go with you tonight. I'll go with you the first three. I'll just go. I'll drive you.

[Marlon]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. But I want you to get involved in that level and then just hold some space. He may say, screw you, I'm out of here. Don't ever talk to me again. And he cuts you off and blocks you on everything. If that's the case, just know you went to bed saying two of the most important things in the world. I love you and I'll go with you. And hopefully those words will rattle around in his soul. And when he has his day of reckoning, whether it's a second DUI or he gets in a car wreck or he hurts somebody, or he just finds himself alone in a bar and he just says, I don't want this life, he'll remember his great buddy boxing. I love you and I'll go with you. And sometimes that's the best we can do, man. I know that feels powerless, but sometimes that's the best we can do. Thank you so much for the call, my brother. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney for Organifi. I talk to people every day who are stressed out. They're anxious, they're not sleeping well, they're disconnected and they're grumpy. Most of them are trying to fix all of their challenges with comfort food or caffeine with or scented candles. Can we all just agree that none of that stuff is probably working? That's where organifi comes in. Organifi superfood products are made to help you feel better with more energy, less stress, and helps you get better sleep by giving your body what it needs without all of the artificial nonsense. Here's a good example. I love Organifi's happy drops. They're little gummies made with all natural ingredients like saffron that have positive effects on mood and emotional well being. In fact, there are clinical studies showing that people who take saffron have Improved social relationships. And there's other studies that show saffron can help lift your mood. Listen, I can talk about ingredients and clinical studies and all of that, but here's the best endorsement of organifi that I can give. I use organifi every single day. I have family members who take organifi. I travel with it, I take it at home. And I want you to give organifi a try too. Go to Organifi.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to save 20%. That's 20% off your entire order with code [e-mail] DeLoney all right, Kelly, am I the problem? Oh, Kelly, 1.0 is back. It's good to see you.

[Kelly]

Thanks. Glad to be back. We were. My son graduated high school this past weekend and so we had a very full weekend of family and parties and all sorts of stuff going on.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Did you cry?

[Kelly]

I did, just not as much as I thought. I cried a little bit at graduation and then on Sunday we went to not our normal church, but the church where he goes to youth group with some friends. And it was really, really, really special what they did and I did. I did cry a little bit there.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Awesome.

[Kelly]

Because I had to. We had to write him a letter that they read and.

[Marlon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Hey, this is a total, total new thing and you can edit this all out. I kind of want. Before we do the. Am I the problem? I want to like use this end segment a little bit to retro what we. This. Some of these calls. I gotta, I gotta ask like everybody in the booth. You've been married 10 years, 12 years, and you find out your partner had an affair that long ago. And in my head, I, I just, I mean, unless it was with my best friend or something, that's a whole other deal. But like assuming my wife met a stranger in a bar, had the affair. The thing that is the most devastating to me right now is that all this time it would be the dishonesty and the lies. That's the part that would drive me crazy.

[Kelly]

Yeah, I agree. I. And again, not having been there, it's easy to say how I would react.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Of course. Yeah.

[Kelly]

But I think that especially, you know, I mean, we've been married 20 something years now. I, I think it'd be easy to be like was a long time ago.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Sure.

[Kelly]

That part I'm not as concerned with. But yeah, I think the question would be the, the fact that you've been sitting on this live for, in her case, 12 years.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, so tell me what is Worse. What's worse? And this is the one I keep spinning on right now. So her husband had an affair, too, while he was off at basic and comes in, gets caught, has this big emotional moment. You're the woman I want to marry. I want to be with you forever. I know this sounds awful, but I think her affair is worse because she felt the explosion in that house and the devastation and the shame and all that. And she's like, no, you. I'm gonna marry you anyway. And then she went to a bar and met somebody and slept with that dude for. I don't know why that feels worse to me. It just does. All right. Am I the problem?

[Kelly]

All right. So this is from Catherine in Cincinnati. She writes, my husband and I have been married for 15 years, and he regularly checks out other women in front of me. Today, while driving our daughter to school, he noticed a woman going by and turned around to watch her till she was out of view. To add to it, my husband is always telling me that bleach, blonde hair, fake tans, makeup, and injected faces are not attractive at all to him. Yet this is usually the type of woman he is looking at. Whenever I see it happen, I let him know that it makes me uncomfortable and that I don't like it. He apologizes and tells me he isn't even aware that he is doing it until I say something.

[Dr. John Deloney]

On a stick. On a log. With a pony. With. In a dragon. He's such a.

[Kelly]

He also said the guys do it all the time. So, John, am I truly the problem for letting this bother me? Oh, can he truly be unaware of his actions?

[Dr. John Deloney]

No.

[Kelly]

I have a hard time believing him because it's been going on for so long, and I brought it to his attention over and over and over and over again.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, dude, like a. Put sunglasses on. Don't be an idiot. And you can cut your eyes, and you could see some objectively beautiful like that. It's awesome and fine and great, and I don't even mind this, like, just walking by and be like, man. Don't say man out loud. That's an inside voice. The second thing is, she knows that person's beautiful, too. It's not like anybody's hiding anything from anybody but the gawking. Screw that with a drill. That's so. That's so. I piss it, okay? Help myself. Shut up. You know why? Because you don't do it with your grandmother, and you don't do it with your mom. You do it because you're an ass, and you do it for your wife. That just sucks. Like, I hate that, dude. That. And by the way, I don't like when people do it to my wife. And I don't like it when people. Okay, here's what I'll say. Okay, here's the thing. Okay? There is a funny way. And. And Nate and Ben back me up on this. There's a way you walk into a room and the woman you're with is beautiful, right? And there's a way a guy can very subtly acknowledge, like, well done, right? There's just a nod, like. And I don't know, it's very imperceptible, but it's like, not a boy. I don't even know you, stranger. But, like, well done. And then there's the oblivious to you. I'm just gonna check her out. And now I have to kill you, right? I mean, it's like. And it's very subtle, but there's a. There's a nod to. You're with somebody. That's beautiful. Well done, man. Like, and everybody wants someone to be like, hey, the person you're with is beautiful, right? It's that next one, dude. And you can freaking control that. And here's the worst part. She's told him over and over. This makes me uncomfortable. Shut up. On a big. All right. I'm gonna get myself in trouble. I'm coming up with everything I can say to not swear. It's just that kind of. That kind of Monday morning. It's not even Monday. That's the problem. It's not even Monday. Ben, rescue me from myself. Start the tunes. What do you think, Kelly? Am I crazy?

[Kelly]

Oh, no, you're 100% right. And it would be just as bad if she was doing it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know.

[Kelly]

Just as bad, dude.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Recognize beauty. See it, internalize it. Everyone's life should be better when somebody beautiful walks by or somebody handsome walks by. That's life. It's when you choose to go that. God help you, dude. What is happening to us? Love, y'.

[Marlon]

All.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Bye.