← The Dr. John Delony Show
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- [00:06]
Tess
Every time my husband initiates sex, I immediately lock up emotionally and physically. I'm like, you just told me a few days ago how unhappy you are, and it's making me feel crazy. And I just feel like I need guidance on how to navigate our relationship because I want to be with him and to make it work.
- [00:23]
Dr. John DeLoney
Gotcha. What's going on? What's going on? Everybody? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. So glad that you're with us. Talk about your relationships, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. So real people going through real challenges. We don't make up anything on the show. This is all real live stuff. If you want to be on the show, go to john deloney.com Ask A&A text box will pop up and you can write in what you're going through and what you're experiencing. And so if we can get you on the show and I'll pull up a seat next to you at the bar and we will figure out what is going on. Let's roll out to Raleigh, North Carolina, and talk to. Oh, it's a couple's call. We'll go to Raleigh. And I'm going to pull up Tess here. Hey, Tess, what's up?
- [01:15]
Tess
Hi, Dr. John.
- [01:16]
Michael
How are you?
- [01:17]
Dr. John DeLoney
I'm great. You doing good?
- [01:19]
Tess
Doing well. Very surreal speaking with you.
- [01:22]
Dr. John DeLoney
It's surreal, too. And I'm going to pull up Michael here. Michael, you there? Yeah.
- [01:27]
Emily
Hey, how's it going?
- [01:28]
Dr. John DeLoney
What's up, homie? All right, so I got both of you here. Good to talk to y' all.
- [01:32]
Emily
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you too. Thanks for having us on.
- [01:35]
Dr. John DeLoney
Absolutely. Okay, so, Tess, you let it rip, and then we'll go from there.
- [01:40]
Tess
Okay, Sounds good. So the question is sort of twofold, and I'm just gonna dive right into, like, the question that I wrote into the show because I can tend to ramble.
- [01:51]
Dr. John DeLoney
So I don't know anything about that. So I'm sure.
- [01:56]
Tess
Okay. Every my husband initiates sex, I immediately lock up emotionally and physically. I feel mad at him and make an excuse most of the time. I know it's just built up anger and resentment from our past issues. And what can I do to just let him in? And this is the twofold part. My husband does have depression and has recently in the past questioned whether or not he wants to be with me and accuses his unhappiness to me one day, and then all is forgotten the next followed by wanting to be intimate. But I'm like, you just told me a Few days ago how unhappy you are and it's making me feel crazy. And I just feel like I need guidance on how to navigate our relationship because I want to be with him and to make it work.
- [02:44]
Dr. John DeLoney
Gotcha. Have you ever said that in that way to Michael, what you just said to me?
- [02:50]
Tess
Yes, multiple times. We are very open. Yeah.
- [02:53]
Dr. John DeLoney
Good. All right. So Michael, you hear that? What do you think's going on?
- [03:00]
Emily
Yeah, so I mean, she's definitely right about, you know, kind of the disconnect romantically and she's, you know, she's correct. I have struggled mental health wise for most of my life. And I can understand, like we talked about it, it's definitely, you know, really has to be frustrating because I do get into kind of gullies where the marriage and the relationship starts to come into doubt. But I tend to, once we've had a resolution, whether or not we had a big fight or not, but we tend to solve things and move on. And I tend to get the next day I feel pretty normal again. And then when it comes time, you know, when the kids are finally asleep, we've got some time, you know, it definitely is one sided and that kind of extends, you know, more than just, you know, physically. But sometimes it feels like there's just also that mental disconnect that, you know, my back and forth and kind of my struggles have kind of bled into the relationship.
- [04:12]
Dr. John DeLoney
I don't know if they've bled into it. It's the, it's the blood coursing through the veins of this relationship. Right. And in combination with her. So Tess, tell me, I guess if you could distill it down for this, this kind of format. Right. I'd love to talk to you guys for a couple hours. This is fascinating. How can I help you? What are you looking for?
- [04:35]
Tess
I am looking for basically I want to, I guess have know the tools to kind of create for me, kind of maybe figure out what the core issue is for me possibly and to kind of know what the tools are to be able to open up to him physically again because I want to. Because I know it's not just about the sex. It's like it's kind of the past arguments kind of built up about things and towards him and I don't know, I just want to be able to like kind of relax and be open to it again because at the end of a long day I'm very, very tired a lot of the time with the kids because I'm a stay at home mom with and, and Then it's either that or I, I'm just kind of annoyed at him whenever he tries.
- [05:24]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, yeah.
- [05:25]
Tess
To initiate it. Yeah.
- [05:26]
Dr. John DeLoney
So, man, there's a couple of big things here. I, I. Let me just start with the biggest rock first, and then we'll kind of walk through some other. Walk down some other avenues. You said that you freeze and lock up. Those two words are often used for somebody who's some sort of survivor of past trauma, past abuse, somebody who's not safe. Tell me what you mean when you say that you lock up. When he, when he starts to put the moves on you, you just, your body goes it that because, because that's a trauma response. That is a body saying, quick, turn all the lights off, power down. Let this threat do what it's going to do and let this hurricane come through or this tornado come through. And then tomorrow, if we survive this, then we will hear the birds chirping, the sun will come back up.
- [06:22]
Tess
Yeah. I have an inkling what that might be. The thing is, this has happened a lot more after having kids, so it hasn't always been like this with him. But when you bring up trauma, like, it definitely getting like, emotional about it. But like, I grew up with. Well, my parents divorced and I was three and my sister and me.
- [06:55]
Michael
Saw.
- [06:55]
Tess
My dad part time on like, like every other weekend and every Wednesday. And my dad definitely had like, kind of bipolar issues and serious anger problems. He just wasn't like, really a good guy, like, when it comes to sex. And I, like, I, like, I really think about, like, him in terms of like, like he would bring his girlfriends over and they would like, make out on the sofa in front of us or like, have sex in the next room kind of with me, my sister, and then we would, you know, and on the flip side of the coin, like, he would get really mad whenever we wanted to call her mom and like, slam the phone down and like, threaten to, like, you know, like, just like kind of threaten to spank us and stuff. So that kind of anger, I don't know, around that maybe, like I've. For the longest time, I've been trying to figure if there's some kind of connection.
- [07:55]
Dr. John DeLoney
So can I paint. Can I paint a picture for you?
- [07:58]
Michael
Yeah, sure.
- [07:58]
Dr. John DeLoney
So test. And Michael. I am. This is me with a big handful of spaghetti, throwing it up against the wall. Okay. See what sticks. But just listening to you guys for a few minutes, tell me if I'm on the right track or if I'm not on the right track. Okay?
- [08:13]
Tess
Okay.
- [08:14]
Dr. John DeLoney
And I want to preface this with the old, the old therapeutic adage, we marry our unfinished business. Okay, so, Michael, you've wrestled with various challenges with emotional mental health for most of your life, and it sounds like you're working really hard and yet you have goalies and seasons when things are pretty low. Is that fair?
- [08:36]
Emily
Yeah, that's fair.
- [08:37]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay, so I, I, I, I don't want to go too, too nerdy, but it's my belief that many men, many, many men, millions of men, they understand that at work, at, in their faith, practice just hanging out with the bros. That vulnerability will get them killed. And not killed like a bullet to your head, but killed, ostracized, pushed out. Nobody wants to hear a guy whining about stuff with a bunch of dudes in the room, okay? And so the only way they know they're, they're connected is either shoulder to shoulder, a group of guys doing a hard thing together, building a thing, solving a problem, doing something right, or they get home. In the romantic relationships, the only way they, they are safe enough to be honest and vulnerable is sex. That's the only, it's the only thing that says, okay, this one is safe. And on the other side, like for bajillions of years, sex for a woman meant you might get pregnant and you, and until recently, pregnancy might mean death, pregnancy might mean ostrazation, pregnancy might meant kicked out of your tribe if this wasn't, if this baby wasn't had the right way in for your particular group. Right? So often sex becomes something that's terrifying and scary or quote, unquote, unsafe unless we have connected emotionally, socially, together. And you can see how you both are coming at this thing, needing something. Now here's my guess. Number two, throwing spaghetti against this is me throwing up against the wall. Michael, you go through tough stuff emotionally. Are you working full time, Michael?
- [10:27]
Emily
Yeah. Nine to five.
- [10:28]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay, so you go to work, you start feeling yourself getting low. You get frustrated and angry that you're feeling yourself getting low. You say some things out loud. I don't even know if I want to be in this thing. And every test, every one of your alarms goes off. This guy's going to leave me again. I've got to make this thing right again. And then, Michael, you gasping for oxygen, go to the only place it's okay for a man to seek connection, and that is through sex. And that energy coming at you, Tess, feels just like all the way back to when you're seven and your body says, shut this thing down because it's not sex. Like, hey, let's have. Let's have an escape together from this chaotic life of a couple of kids. That is not. Hey, let's have. Let's inject some play and fun into our lives. Let's have some deep connection and we can just unplug from the world. And this is for Michael. This is survival sex. And you've been in the house of a man trying to survive, and you were the casualty of it when you were seven years old.
- [11:41]
Tess
Yeah.
- [11:41]
Dr. John DeLoney
Does any of this ring true at all? Tell me if I'm. If I'm out to lunch here.
- [11:45]
Tess
No, definitely. I mean, parts of it, definitely unfamiliar kind of connect. The only thing I'm, I guess, confused by is that, like, it hasn't always been like this with him or even with, like, past relationships. I've had, like, I don't know.
- [12:05]
Dr. John DeLoney
So let's, let's do. Let's take that pressure off. Doesn't. Doesn't matter because it's happening now. And what you're doing is you're making yourself feel crazy because you're comparing the present moment with all these other things that have happened in the past. Just because you've enjoyed sex in the past, just because you've had some great romantic partners in the past, just because you and Michael have had great connected intimacy in the past, doesn't mean that it doesn't feel unsafe now. And my guess is. I don't say. My guess is on Michael's behalf. Having kids does all kind of things to a person's. A parent's internal emotional state. You can. I've seen people who are just chaotic maniacs that they have a kid and, dude, it just flips a switch. They start showering all the time. They show up on time, they get promoted at work. It's just the thing they were anchored into. And I could tell you, for me, man, I was pretty. I was super reliable at work and I was fun to be around. I was a little un. Unhinged like I always am. But having a kid spun me up.
- [13:12]
Tess
Yeah, I feel like a live wire. Like, most of the time that's it. Like just anxiety.
- [13:18]
Dr. John DeLoney
And so, Michael, I haven't done.
- [13:20]
Tess
And. Yeah, what it.
- [13:22]
Dr. John DeLoney
What did having kids bring to your. To your chest? That little reactor in the middle of your chest. Does it give you peace? Does it make you feel less than just.
- [13:31]
Emily
Just.
- [13:31]
Dr. John DeLoney
Just love?
- [13:32]
Emily
I mean, okay, they're the. They're the best part of my life. No offense to us, but they are far and away, you know, my great motivator okay. And, you know, it's. It's funny that, you know, you mentioned kind of the survival aspect, because it's definitely true that who I am at home is not, you know, the same type of, you know, guy that I am when I'm out with my friends or when I'm at work. And there's different responsibilities and expectations. But, you know, I do look at, you know, kind of the last year and how this kind of problem has, well, you know, problem. The situation has kind of deepened. You know, I spent half of last year unemployed, and there was a lot of, you know, there was a lot of negativity going around between me and my wife. And, you know, we do everything that we can to just, you know, keep up with our kids. And then she's right that by the end of the days, you know, we're exhausted. And I look at the intimacy as kind of, you know, that, you know, break from the world versus, I think, you know, some of the things that I said and done while I was really feeling down, you know, that obviously still sits really, really heavily with her. And I want to help to, you.
- [14:51]
Dr. John DeLoney
Know.
- [14:53]
Emily
You can't undo the past, but, you know, I want to help to be able to help her forgive.
- [14:57]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. So tested. Michael. Here's how I tell you A. I think there's a. I think there are some pretty clear paths back, okay? And let me change my language. I'm going to retract what I just said. There is no paths back. There are some pretty clear paths towards you guys building a new marriage together that's going to be built on forgiveness. That's going to be built on choosing reality. The reality is, Tess, Michael got fired. He lost his job. And that can happen to any of us. And as the mother of two young kids, that can be terrifying. And also you can be honest and put on the table. Michael, I did or did not feel safe, by the way you went to. To find another job. And we can have that hard conversation. And you can be honest about what parts of Michael? The conversations, the language, the showing up to help around the house, the help with the kids, the doing the diapers, the bedtime routines. Which parts of what activities, what actions can Michael take that help remove the stop signs in your house? Because what we're trying to do is build a house that has room for play and eros, eroticism in it, that has room for comedy, room for laughter, room for just joy, room for. Right now. You want to go do it right now? Oh, yeah. Like, that could build Space for that. And if Michael of Tess is always worried, is today going to be a low day for Michael? Is he going to say something? Is he scared? Is he going to be mean? Is he going to. Am I gonna have to do all. Go to work all day and then deal with the kids all night? Michael's just gonna be on. On the couch. Those are all things that y' all need to talk about. Because sometimes it's as complicated as we need to go to some intense marriage. Marriage therapy. Because we need an outside resource. Sometimes it's as easy as Michael, you commit. I will keep taking my meds from here on out. I will never miss. And I'm gonna start seeing a counselor every week. And I will never walk by the sink and leave a dish in it, ever. I will always do that. I will always walk into the house. In the first five minutes I walk into the house, I'm going to look for one thing to clean, to help out, and I'm going to get a little bit more invested in the home or a lot more invested in the home. And I'm going to stand six inches taller because I got a purpose here at the house. My house doesn't feel like a failure factory. And then all of a sudden, Tess is walking around and doesn't have all this weight on the squat rack, which is the mental load of the house and the. And the actual activities of the house and the dinner and all. You see, you get what I'm saying? These things all get.
- [17:31]
Emily
Yeah.
- [17:32]
Dr. John DeLoney
Tied up together. And then, Tess, at some point, you're going to have to write a letter to your dad and say, no more. Do you get a vote into my life?
- [17:43]
Tess
Yeah.
- [17:44]
Dr. John DeLoney
And don't send that letter, obviously, but it may be a letter you read out to Michael and say, dear dad, it ends today. And here's what happened to me as a little girl. Here's the things I remember, here's the things I saw, here's the things I heard. And that has made it very difficult for me to have adult relationships. And so I'm done. You no longer get a seat at my table. You no longer get a voice in my head. I wish you the best. It's me and Michael versus the world now. And then that, from that point forward, after that moment, after that, that letter, after you read it, then you make a choice that when your dad's head, when his. I mean his voice pops into your head, you stop and say, nope. Or you stop and say you don't get a vote anymore. You stop that thing. And over time, you begin to change your default setting. You get what I'm saying, Tess?
- [18:40]
Tess
Yeah.
- [18:40]
Dr. John DeLoney
And that's a heavy, scary, frustrating move. And Michael, for sure. Michael. Yep. I want you to. From this point forward. This is day one. The next time you tell your wife, I'm not sure I want to be married to you anymore, I want you to be prepared to move out, because that is a form of manipulation. That is just. You can't do that. Okay? If you want to leave her, have the courage to go see a marriage counselor together, and y' all two go sit down, and you look her in the eye and say, I'm leaving. But if you use that as a move or as a way to kind of control a room or a conversation or if it's something you say when you're feeling depressed or you're feeling low, you got to work on that, man, because it's. It's destabilizing in your home. The next call for both of you today is that y' all both need to call a marriage counselor and commit to getting in there before this week is over. We're recording this episode on a Monday. My hope is you are seeing somebody by Friday of this week. Cancel. What? You have to cancel. Take some time off of work, find some childcare, and let's go sit down and start rebuilding this thing. But do I believe you'll have the ability to rebuild it 1000%. Thanks for the call, Tess and Michael. Love you guys. Call anytime if I can help. All right, we come back, we're going to talk to a man who is at odds with his wife over a major life decision. Hang with us. Okay, let's talk about Cozy Earth. Y' all have all heard me say I love sleeping in a cold, cold room, and my wife would prefer to sleep under one of those hot dog heat lamps at a local gas station. This is one of the many reasons why we both love our Cozy Earth sheets. The sheets help each of us sleep at the perfect temperature, and they're soft and breathable, and they keep us comfortable all night long. Because I want all of you to have a great night of sleep. Also, you should know that not all sheets are created equal. Like everything else, there's a range of quality from terrible sheets that feel like sleeping on an old paper towel to amazing sheets that make getting into bed something to look forward to. Cozy Earth crafts their sheets out of viscose from bamboo. These are special fabrics and fibers, and they are amazing at regulating temperature and wicking away moisture. While you sleep. You just have to experience how soft their sheets are to fully understand the difference. Y' all, they're incredible. Plus, Cozy Earth goes to great links to verify that their materials are responsibly sourced so you can feel good about how you sleep and about how your sheets are made. Remember, Cozy Earth's Spring Into Comfort sale is happening right now with exclusive savings for you watching or listening to the show. 40% off every thing yes, 40% off visit cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney for 40% off that C O Z Y cozyearth.com DeLONEY hey good folks, listen. A strong body supports a healthy mind and too often we overlook how connected the two really are. They are one. Neglecting our bodies, like not moving, not lifting weights, and not getting more flexible can lead to increased mental and emotional stress. I often tell folks I've never felt emotionally worse after a good workout, only better. And this is where TrainWell comes in. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step by step guidance from real people. And that means it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both. To get started, answer a few questions about your fitness journey. Hop on a chat with an expert trainer to talk about your goals, and you're going to make a personalized plan together. And then it's time for you to get to work. As you complete your workouts, your trainer will keep changing up the workouts just a little bit here and there to help you get even better over time. My wife and I are using it, some of our friends are using it, and even our extended family is getting in on it. We've all been doing these workouts with TrainWell because TrainWell takes away our excuses and makes working out simple. It's not easy, but it's simple. If you're ready to start taking control of your physical health, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer today. And they have a special offer for my audience. Just 89amonth when you lock in your plan, plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net DeLoney right now. T R A I N trainwell.net DeLoney go check them out. All right, hit that subscribe button for me. Hit the subscribe button. Please, please, please. That's me being like, begging. I don't want to be desperate, but I kind of am. Kelly, would you describe me as desperate?
- [23:25]
Kelly
I'm.
- [23:26]
Dr. John DeLoney
You took way too long to answer that question.
- [23:28]
Kelly
No, because I'm trying to think. I'm trying to Think of, like, I was like, trying to think through different facets real quick, but no, I don't. But like, is there any place I find. Would think you're as desperate. But no.
- [23:39]
Dr. John DeLoney
For five star reviews? Yes.
- [23:40]
Kelly
I have over five star reviews.
- [23:41]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yes. Probably there's YouTube subscriptions. Yes. Yeah.
- [23:45]
Kelly
Do a lot of things for Klondike Bar.
- [23:46]
Dr. John DeLoney
I'll do a lot. There's not a lot I won't do for Klondike Bar. I remember a great guy. He was awesome back in high school. His name was Matt Carriage. And we used to talk about, like, what would you do for a million dollars? I used to always just ruin the conversation because it's like, bro, you put a million dollars, there is just.
- [24:08]
Kelly
Yeah. The list of things I won't do is it's getting pretty slim for a million bucks. That's a lot of money.
- [24:16]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. Not a lot. Yeah. Las Vegas. Let's talk to Mike. What's up, Mike? Hi.
- [24:25]
Mike
How's it going?
- [24:26]
Dr. John DeLoney
Hey, what would you. Is there like, give me. Well, let's don't do that. I was just gonna ask you what you would or wouldn't do for a million dollars, but you're from Vegas, so I'm just. Let's just call it what's up, brother?
- [24:36]
Mike
Yeah.
- [24:40]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, yeah.
- [24:42]
Mike
Vegas million dollars actually doesn't get you that far.
- [24:44]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, I know. That's like two months water bill for you. Okay. So what's up, brother?
- [24:47]
Mike
Yeah, my question is, how can I help my wife through this next phase of our marriage?
- [24:55]
Dr. John DeLoney
That's a. That's already a dicey question.
- [24:58]
Mike
Yeah. That phase being no more children in the house. We have. We have three under five. And after our first one, we had discussed the possibility of fostering, possibly adopting, and we took a lot of steps toward it. And then she got pregnant with our second one, so that kind of got put on the back burner. And then we discussed a little bit after our second one, but not as in depth. And then she got pregnant with our third one. And now that we've had our third one for a year, it's gotten brought back up the possibility of adopting or fostering. And in my mind, it's. Our house is full. We don't have room. I don't. I don't even know how that would be possible.
- [25:51]
Dr. John DeLoney
But how's that conversation gone when you say that.
- [25:56]
Mike
It'S gone. It's gone. What I think as well. But then it. We usually come to an agreement. She. She says that she understands. She understands my point of view. And that it does make sense what I'm saying. And then something happens, usually something regarding social media or she sees them on the news, and then next thing you know, I'm getting ads for local adoption agencies and children that are up for adoption. Or one of the issues is, was our house was small. I'll get ads for bigger houses. And it just. I don't even. I don't even know what to do. I don't even know how to respond to those. Yeah.
- [26:39]
Dr. John DeLoney
What do you do for a living?
- [26:41]
Mike
I work in the power industry.
- [26:43]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. So you live in a very expensive part of the country and I'm assuming. Well, I don't want to make an assumption. Tell me, tell me how you do financially.
- [26:57]
Mike
Pretty well financially. One thing we've been doing, I've been trying to do, she'd stay at home. So it's, it's just my income.
- [27:07]
Dr. John DeLoney
How much you're making?
- [27:10]
Mike
Last year I made 110.
- [27:11]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. Which after you factor out everything with the cost of inflation, that's. That's a good salary. But you're not living high on the hog with three kids and a small house in Las Vegas.
- [27:25]
Mike
No, we got into the market pretty well. So luckily our mortgage is pretty low. But if we were to move, you're talking. It would double. Probably.
- [27:34]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. So a couple of things here, because here's what I'm hearing. I hear two things. One, you're asking for what's a way that, like, what are some ways you can communicate better to your wife? As of right now, I'm finished with adding to this family. I want to be happy and whole with the family. We got. We got three healthy kids. Let's be happy about that. And it sounds like you've tried in. In your way to have that conversation and it just doesn't seem to be clicking through. The second thing I'm hearing is every time you get an ad for a house, every time you get, like, hey, let's do this with kids. Hey, look at what we're not doing. There's some measure of, I don't know, any husband that doesn't want to give his wife the house she wants or the dreams. Right. And it feels like for you, every time you exhale, the finish line for satisfied wife is moving on you. Does that sound right?
- [28:32]
Mike
Yeah, I would, I would say that's accurate.
- [28:34]
Dr. John DeLoney
Or it's a way that, without meaning to, your wife can be telling you on a day, day to day basis, you're not enough.
- [28:46]
Mike
Yes. Yeah. Not just that. Sometimes it makes Me feel like even though I think this is just me, but it's just how I hear it, that, like, our family isn't enough.
- [28:57]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, there you go. There you go.
- [28:59]
Mike
And I don't believe that that's necessarily it. I don't think that's that.
- [29:04]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, but it doesn't. But sit in it for a second because you're going to rationalize those feelings away without acknowledging them. So it's one of those important things. It's hard. Whenever I say the word vulnerability, every lineman out in Las Vegas rolls their eyes and goes back to work in the 110 degree heat. Right. But that's what this is. It's you telling your wife, hey, every time you send me a house that would double our house income, I want to buy you that house. And this. We chose to have three kids right, in a row, and we chose that you were going to stay home. And I'm working my butt off out here in this heat and I'm doing all this work, but I don't make that kind of money. And it just makes me feel like I'm not enough for you. That's what vulnerability means. And that's a hard conversation because my guess is she would say, oh, my gosh. No, no, no, no, no. It's not what I was saying. But that's how you bring it together. Instead of, I wish you'd quit sending me these texts. Now you're in a fight. One is, hey, man, like, I feel like you're not happy with this amazing family that we've created together. That's step. That's part one. Tell me, tell me what that sounds like when you hear it.
- [30:11]
Mike
Yeah, I, I, I do agree with that. And part of it, I think, with steps we've made recently as far as, like, trying to pay down debt and things that I don't know if it Financially, would it be a possibility? Possibly. But I don't want to lose income or I don't want it to be suffering in other ways because I'm having to pay double the mortgage.
- [30:39]
Dr. John DeLoney
That's it right there. That's it. So here's what you're doing. You're choosing peace over square footage.
- [30:46]
Mike
Yeah. And then with the ad she sends me, it's like the data means, like, yeah, take them all, put them all in the house.
- [30:52]
Dr. John DeLoney
Of course it is. Of course. I'm the same way. Right. And so, but I think it's about sitting down saying, hey, us as a couple, our marriage has completely changed. We have a different marriage now. We have three kids. We added. We added a hundred percent plus to this house. Right?
- [31:12]
Mike
Yeah.
- [31:13]
Dr. John DeLoney
And so let's have a conversation about what our values are. I want. I. I value peace. And that means living in a smaller house that's a little more chaotic, it's a little more crazy, but that I don't have to lose sleep every minute of every night. That I'm not gonna be able to make this mortgage or if this company downsizes or if. Or if. Or if. Who knows?
- [31:30]
Mike
Yeah, right.
- [31:32]
Dr. John DeLoney
And she may say, no, no, I want to solve for seven foster kids. Well, y' all need to have that conversation. Right. Here's the second big thing that I feel is kind of floating over this whole conversation. Often in families where somebody really wants to foster, really wants to adopt, and you're able to have your own biological kids like y' all are. Have been able to there. Get there, there tends to be one of those conversations that's pictures and words. You're both using the same words, but you're, You're. You're. You're actually saying different things. You're meaning different things. My guess is adoption and fostering is an. Is an internal meaning making purpose for her. One of these things she was put on the planet to do is to care for those that nobody will care for.
- [32:25]
Mike
Yeah, I, I agree with that. Because she was adopted herself.
- [32:29]
Dr. John DeLoney
There you go.
- [32:30]
Mike
She lead with, you know, conventional.
- [32:33]
Dr. John DeLoney
Sure, sure.
- [32:33]
Mike
Not in the conventional. She was, you know, from a. Like, she had no parents. It was her stepdad adopted her.
- [32:40]
Dr. John DeLoney
Right. But. But even then, like, there's this sense of, I got adopted by this amazing stepdad, and I'm just assuming he's amazing, but raised her. She met you, a good guy, a great man, a guy who takes care of the family. Allows her to stay at home financially because you make enough money for that to happen. You work your butt off, you come home sweaty and hot, whatever. And there's that sense of internal guilt she may have. I owe this to the universe, and somebody did this for me. I have to go do this to make the universe right. And in your mind, it's a spreadsheet issue. We have this many kids in this many rooms and this much money. And do you see how real quick you talk past each other?
- [33:22]
Mike
Yeah, yeah, I can see that.
- [33:23]
Dr. John DeLoney
And so it's really digging into. Not about can we have another kid or not have another kid. That's. That's the proxy. The real conversation is taking her out for breakfast and saying, hey, the idea of adoption, the idea of fostering Tell me what that feels like in your chest. Like when you think of fostering, when you think of I have to do this or I need to do this. Tell me about that. Because it might be something that you say in 10 years or five years when we, when every kid can go to the bathroom and wipe themselves, we may be in a place where we can re. Engage this conversation.
- [34:07]
Mike
Yeah, I could, I could definitely sit her down and we'd have that conversation.
- [34:11]
Dr. John DeLoney
Well, don't sit her down. But y' all, y' all both go sit down. Like, sit down. Yeah, yeah, I said that I'm messing with you. But, but, but do you get what, you get what I'm saying?
- [34:21]
Mike
Yeah, I, I get what you're saying.
- [34:23]
Dr. John DeLoney
And at the same time, you being vulnerable and saying, hey, every time you send me one of these things, I look at our three beautiful kids and think, oh man, these aren't enough for you? Because it, yeah, it may be a chaotic life that she lives all day, every day. And this is going to sound awful the way I'm connecting these, but it may just be pornography. It's distraction. It's somebody looking at a different kind of life because the life they have is so overwhelming. It's a way to numb out. And this would add some excitement. This, this, like. It's when people have three kids under the age of five and then they get a dog. Like, what are you doing? It's like, well, we're just trying to add more because we're looking for aliveness. Because it's hard.
- [35:05]
Mike
Yeah, and that's actually come up too. It's. It seems, it seems it just transfers over to something else. Like the last, our last conversation was you wanted to get another dog. We have one, but. Okay, so we're talking a five thousand dollar dog.
- [35:21]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, let's don't do that. So what I'm. Is y' all going in and basically doing the deck clearing exercise, which is like proverbially like pretend. Take your arm and swipe it over a. Dining like a, a table at a local diner there in Vegas and just say, okay, we have three little kids under this age. None of them can get in and out of the shower by themselves. Or maybe one and just barely.
- [35:45]
Mike
Yeah, one of them.
- [35:46]
Dr. John DeLoney
Like, we've created a chaotic world and you and me, we have to come first. And I'm slowly finding myself wanting to be at work a little bit longer. You're finding yourself kind of feeling dead in your own skin. Let's back all the way out of this Thing and start asking the big rock questions again like we did when we were getting married. What must be true for you and me to feel alive in this house? What must be true for us to be so happy when we're at home? Because another dog is not going to do that. Another. A foster kid's not going to do that. Not at this stage. You get what I'm saying?
- [36:24]
Mike
Yeah. Yeah, I understand. I. It just seems like it just keeps coming back. It's just a. It's weird.
- [36:32]
Dr. John DeLoney
Well, that's where you get. You have to get really tactical. I'm asking you, honey, to stop sending me these things. Or if you send them, I'm just going to delete them because it. I choose to feel less than when I see it, and I. I'm gonna. I'm gonna opt out of that for a while.
- [36:46]
Mike
Okay? So be more more direct.
- [36:50]
Dr. John DeLoney
Well, here's what you're doing. It's as the great Dr. Kennedy says, a boundary requires nothing of another person. It's simply you saying, I don't want to see these anymore. I can't right now in this season, because all of my energy is focused on loving you well, loving these kids well. And providing for his family. And so every time I see these, I get all out of sorts. I want to take every kid home. I want to move them into a house we don't even own yet, that we couldn't even afford if we. If you know me, like, I have to opt out of that so that I can completely focus on you guys. And so I'm asking you to not send me any. But I'm telling you, I'm not going to look at any more of these. I'm just going to delete them.
- [37:34]
Mike
Okay? If it's. If after our conversation, if it does continue, then.
- [37:40]
Dr. John DeLoney
But, I mean, I think it's being clear about. Yeah, you can ask. Would you please stop sending these to me?
- [37:47]
Mike
Yeah, I have.
- [37:48]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay.
- [37:49]
Mike
Yeah, I have. And it's. It's come back so that the next.
- [37:52]
Dr. John DeLoney
Question is asking, hey, this is just me being curious, not judgmental. Judgmental would be, I told you to quit. We're not gonna do that. Curious is hate. I've been real clear. These make me feel uncomfortable. They make me feel less than. I just want to focus on who we got. And you keep sending them. What am I missing here?
- [38:13]
Mike
Yeah, I can. I can definitely do that. If it does come up. As far as for the. Like, the transference of it, you know, same thing, just be more.
- [38:26]
Dr. John DeLoney
What do you mean? What do you mean transference. That's an old Freud term. What do you mean as far.
- [38:31]
Mike
As far as. It started with the adoption and then because we talked that. Talked about that and we kind of. Well, I did at least agree that that wasn't what we were going to do. And then it. It transferred to. Well, since. And she has said it one time that it upset me, but. Well, since we're not going to have a fourth child, can we get a different house? Or since we're not going to have a fourth child, can we get another dog?
- [39:01]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. And that's again, that it's not about the house, it's not about the dog, it's not about the kid. It's about somebody in their own language crying out, I'm not happy in the life I've co created. And it's the same conversation I would have with another guy about adding a car or another gun or another guitar. That's me talking to myself here. Like adding another trip or another. Like, it's always this idea that the piece is on the acquisition of another thing.
- [39:31]
Mike
Yeah.
- [39:31]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. If this was just the kid, if it was just about adoption, that's a. That's a different path. Okay. I get not feeling whole until you have this picture of your family complete in your mind. I get that this is just a. It's playing whack a mole with. I need another thing because I don't feel complete in my own skin. And that's where I want you guys to spend your energy. And often by accusing her, you don't feel that's not helpful because she'll. She's probably been feeling this way for a long time. It's about you saying, hey, I want to love you better. And here's what I'm feeling from you. I'm feeling like you're not happy with the house that we've created and that every time we exhale and we have this amazing new kid who's healthy, and we get another amazing new kid who's healthy, and I get a little bit of a raise and we get another little kid, the finish line always moves, which tells me you're hurting inside. Tell me about it. And let's start there and give her an opportunity to talk about this obsession with needing to add. Need to add. Needing to add. Needing to add. Start there, my brother, and holler back at me. And I'm happy to talk to you anytime or her, if y' all both want to call me back and we talk both together. But let me tell you this. She's lucky to have you. You sound like a guy who loves her deeply and who loves other people deeply and who's got a heart for kids who need to be adopted and fostered. And yet you've got these three amazing kids of your own that you're trying to figure out what day it is because there's so much chaos in your house. I love it. I love it. I love it. I think it's about honoring the fact that your marriage is totally different now, brother. And we get to reimagine it today for the first time. Today's day one. Go make it happen, brother. Appreciate you. All right. Coming up next, we will hear from a woman who is concerned about her kids playing with the neighbor kids. We'll be right back. All right, listen, I understand the struggle. You're juggling work, parenting, trying to eat right and a million other things all at the same time. You're tired and you're wired and you're exhausted and you're just trying to hold it all together. There are small daily choices that we can all make to feel a little more clear headed and a little less anxious in all this chaos so that we can show up and be steady and whole for the people we love. For me, that includes using Organifi juices and gummies. Organifi products are great because they don't just support your physical health, they contribute to mental clarity and emotional balance too. Organifi offers a range of organic superfood blends that are really easy to fit into your daily routine. Even when you're on the go. You just mix them with water and you're ready to rock and roll. I love Organifi's green juice. It's a great way to start in the morning. And I love Organifi's red juice. A good way to start in the morning for caffeine free energy and a good pickme up in the afternoon. And of course, I love their Shilajit creatine and Happy Drops gummies for a delicious take on important nutrients. Good folks. Organifi makes it simple to take proactive steps towards better health. Go to Organifi.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to save 20 off. That's O R G A N I F I. Organifi.com DeLoney all right, we're back. Flint, Michigan. Let's talk to Emily. Hey Emily, what's up?
- [42:48]
Michael
Hi, how are you doing?
- [42:49]
Dr. John DeLoney
Great, how about you?
- [42:51]
Michael
Surviving the Monday.
- [42:56]
Dr. John DeLoney
Sounds like somebody's got a case of the. All right.
- [42:58]
Michael
So what's up I have a question, and it is how do I tell my kids that we can't really hang out with our neighbors anymore due to their son bullying my daughter? And there's been some. There was a really inappropriate comment and I'm not sure how to go about this. So I am very thankful I get to talk to you today.
- [43:20]
Dr. John DeLoney
I appreciate it. I hope I can shed some light on it. So what was the inappropriate comment? What happened?
- [43:26]
Michael
Well, we were all outside hanging out and my daughter comes running over.
- [43:30]
Dr. John DeLoney
Well, who's we? Who's we?
- [43:32]
Michael
Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Me and my neighbors, we were all outside. I have four kids, she has two.
- [43:36]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay.
- [43:38]
Michael
And my eight year old daughter comes running over saying that her son asked her to pull her pants down and show him her butt.
- [43:46]
Dr. John DeLoney
How old is this? How, how old are these kids?
- [43:49]
Michael
Seven.
- [43:50]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay.
- [43:51]
Michael
And I'm not quite sure on what to do about this.
- [43:55]
Dr. John DeLoney
Did you, did you tell his parents.
- [43:57]
Michael
His mom was actually over.
- [43:59]
Dr. John DeLoney
What did she say?
- [44:00]
Michael
And she just said she was sorry and that his sister's been doing that at home. And then he, she like yelled at him to apologize and that was that. But I didn't really. She hasn't talked to me really since. And then like with the bullying, we've brought it up and she just goes, oh, they're just, you know, they just bicker back and forth because they're like each other. Other.
- [44:22]
Dr. John DeLoney
Tell me about, tell me about bullying.
- [44:25]
Michael
Well, he's always telling her how he's. She's a loser or makes fun of her because she has to wear glasses or, oh, you'll never be a good gymnast. He's actually recently started giving her the middle finger, so it's kind of started to escalate a little bit. And I'm just, you know, we've, we've used some tools that I've heard from your podcast of like, try to be nice to him, just ignore them. And it seems like nothing's working. Yeah, he does enjoy hanging out with his little sister, so.
- [44:59]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. So I, I mean, I think it's as simple as saying, I, as your mom, my one job is to keep you safe. And it's about sitting down. And this is one of those eye level conversations because it takes the hierarchy away from a kid parent dynamic and it just, it signals to a kid's nervous system. I'm with you here.
- [45:20]
Michael
Okay.
- [45:21]
Dr. John DeLoney
Whenever I have a hard conversation, my daughter's a little bitty. Whenever I have a conversation with her, I always get eye level with her. My son is now taller than me. So I have to get on a stool when I have hard conversations. But with my daughter, it's a very eye level. And in this case, I would point to her head and I would point to her chest and I'd say, it's my job to keep you safe in your mind and in your heart. And I would. At her age, I would say, I am no longer going to allow you to be with somebody that's going to ask you to show you your private parts. I'm not going to allow you to be around somebody who calls you names and is ugly to you. Okay, hold on. Let me say I'm going to. This is kind of like a teaching thing for everybody listening. Here's where this is important. You are taking responsibility from that kid. What we. From your daughter. What we don't want your daughter to walk away from this exchange. Feeling is like she did something wrong. Okay. And so you're saying I'm stepping in and I am doing this. Not well, you told me he did this so you can't play there anymore. This is you saying, no, no, I am going to. I'm not letting this happen to you. And there's a big difference there.
- [46:45]
Michael
Okay, that makes a lot of sense because I did tell her when she came up to me, I was like, thank you so much for telling us you're not in trouble. And the weather's been pretty rough here, so thankfully we haven't been able to like see them. How do I go about telling my. My six year old son that he can't play with now because they're all like intermingled together? That's the hard part.
- [47:09]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, I mean, the whole thing's gonna be tough. To be honest. It's just all gonna be tough. There's not an easy way out.
- [47:14]
Michael
Oh, no.
- [47:15]
Dr. John DeLoney
For someone who's six, it's gonna be. And by the way, this is gonna be a huge pain in the butt for you. Okay. Yeah, it's gonna. It'll be as simple and as hard. Right. It's kind of like, how do you lose weight? Like diet and exercise. Like, it's simple, but it's impossible. Right. So this will be similar to. You'll have to stay in our yard and we're not having anybody over today. But I want to play with like, nope, no one's coming over or we're going to the park. Just us.
- [47:42]
Michael
Right? Okay. Because I didn't say. Another problem is they love to come over and they like, you know, kids are kids. They never listen, you know, they don't listen sometimes. So they're always coming over to our house.
- [47:54]
Dr. John DeLoney
But it's simply a saying. It's hey, like Timmy and Susie. Well no, not even have to go. It's you tell those kids because they clearly aren't getting any boundaries at home.
- [48:05]
Michael
Okay.
- [48:05]
Dr. John DeLoney
They get no boundaries. No boundaries. And a parent yells at them. Right. And so.
- [48:10]
Michael
Right.
- [48:11]
Dr. John DeLoney
What you are gonna have to do is impose those boundaries on those kids. So they come just.
- [48:16]
Michael
Okay.
- [48:17]
Dr. John DeLoney
Ding donging on the door at 6:30 in the morning on Saturday. You say Timmy and Susie are not going to be playing with you guys today. Hope you'll have a great day. Why not? We want to play. Yeah. They're not going to be able to play with you today. Thank you so much. Have a great day.
- [48:31]
Tess
Okay.
- [48:32]
Michael
That makes a lot of sense.
- [48:33]
Dr. John DeLoney
And it's not your 7 year olds or your 8 year old's job. Now here's, here's like a fine line here because I want to make sure not talking out of both sides of my mouth. If there is a next door neighbor who's seven and a next and your daughter's eight and there's teasing, there's poking at each other. There's some, I don't say making fun of each other but a little bit of making fun of each other. There is some. I'm not just going to run in and rescue a kid from that.
- [49:05]
Tess
Right.
- [49:06]
Dr. John DeLoney
I might ask my daughter at home, well, how does it make you feel when he says that? It makes me feel yucky. What do you do when you feel right? So I'm going to walk them through and I'm not going to steal this moment from them but I'm going to empower them. The, the moment a kid starts mocking my child's appearance being you're fat, you have to wear glasses, you're too skinny, you're too flat chested. The moment a kid comes over and starts swearing or flipping my kid off and then the mother load. The moment a kid tries to engage in my kids sexually, out. I'm out. Bye.
- [49:43]
Michael
Yeah, bye.
- [49:44]
Dr. John DeLoney
And, and here's the thing. The parent, the fact, the, the parents response tells me everything I need to know which is they're embarrassed, they're ashamed, they're gonna yell and they're gonna move on like they do with everything else.
- [49:59]
Michael
Right. And that's where I was like, you know, am I making this like huge thing or not? Because like I'm like this seems very off.
- [50:07]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yes. It's not off for kids to be. It's not off for kids to be curious.
- [50:12]
Michael
Right.
- [50:13]
Dr. John DeLoney
And it's not.
- [50:13]
Michael
That's what I was wondering if it was a curiosity thing. But it has escalated a lot. And it's like, okay, I don't mind teasing, like you said, because kids do. I feel like they do need to learn how to handle bullies because they're.
- [50:26]
Dr. John DeLoney
I'm.
- [50:27]
Michael
I still get bullied.
- [50:28]
Dr. John DeLoney
That's right. So do I. Yeah, so do I. So that's life. Yes.
- [50:32]
Michael
Yeah. I want to be able to teach them. Especially we homeschool, too. So, like, they. They don't have, like, the interaction at school. I mean, we do all this other stuff. So it's like, okay, I want them to get as much experience as they can, but I want them to know that they're safe at home.
- [50:47]
Dr. John DeLoney
Right. That's exactly right. And so it goes back to that, I'm going to keep you safe here.
- [50:53]
Michael
Exactly. Okay.
- [50:54]
Dr. John DeLoney
And they're also. I'm trying to say this in a not dorky way, but when I'm coming to bullying, I look for power hierarchies and kids who are trapped.
- [51:10]
Mike
So.
- [51:10]
Michael
Right.
- [51:10]
Dr. John DeLoney
If a neighborhood kid says something mean to my kid in the same neighborhood, they're not trapped. My kid can leave. Right. My kid can walk away. That kid, I can call their parents, and they can make their kid go inside in a schoolyard. A child is trapped. They can't leave. And so they're constantly under this. This sense of threat, I'm gonna hit you after school. You're disgusting. You're gross. I'm telling everybody jokes at your expense. And so it's. There's this an emotional cloud that hangs over that exchange, and you can't escape it because you have to go to school and you have to sit in your chair that that teacher said you have to sit in, or you're on that. That little league team, and everyone makes fun of you. Everyone calls you fat. Everyone makes fun of your freckles. They won't stop. It's pervasive.
- [52:00]
Michael
Right, Right.
- [52:02]
Dr. John DeLoney
And so, yes, if your kid can escape, if your kid has an out, then awesome. Let's use those outs, but let's use these as teaching moments to say, it doesn't feel good, does it? No. And then you can choose to not play. You can stay over here. We're going to do this kind of stuff over here, or we're all going to the park. And by the way, that's going to mean you're not just sitting out in a lawn chair and watching your kids run around the Neighborhood, which is how it's supposed to be, by the way.
- [52:27]
Michael
Yeah.
- [52:28]
Dr. John DeLoney
That means you have to load them up all in the van and you'll have to go play at a park for a couple, a couple days a week this summer.
- [52:34]
Michael
Okay.
- [52:34]
Dr. John DeLoney
And that's annoying, but it's just going to be a shift when it comes to curiosity, when it comes to sexuality and kids, man, I just watch that really carefully because 7 year olds can be insane predators too.
- [52:52]
Michael
Okay.
- [52:52]
Dr. John DeLoney
And it's just a fine line. And if that 7 year old had that switch flipped by an older parent, by an older sibling, by aunt or uncle, by a, a younger sibling, then man, it just becomes this. They just, that's what they see in the world. And it can be just a fifth, a fifth grader wanting to see a sixth grader's like bottom right there could be that too. You're just not going to do it on my kid.
- [53:15]
Michael
Right.
- [53:16]
Dr. John DeLoney
But a, a, a. So let's reverse it. Let's pretend you had a little boy and he went and did that to the neighborhood girl. I probably would not include the girl in the conversation, but I would definitely include that girl's parent and you and your son. And we would say this very inappropriate. We do not ask other kids to see their private parts. And we would probably read the book together. Some parts are not for touching. I don't remember the exact name of it. We'll link to in the show notes here. But I would have that direct conversation. That didn't happen in this case.
- [53:52]
Michael
Right. Yeah. I'm not sure if they talked to him. They said they did, but I really, not really, I didn't really get like a fomo, like, hey, I'm so sorry at all that. And I still haven't really talked to him, which I, I get the embarrassing part. I mean, we're all parents just trying to do what's best for our kids, so I totally understand that.
- [54:10]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. But when our kids hurt something, like I went across the street, when my dog went sprinting across a terrified woman in her chilled childhood, I went, knocked on the door, said, man, I'm so sorry.
- [54:20]
Michael
Yeah.
- [54:21]
Dr. John DeLoney
And so that's kind of, that's, that's also part of being an adult.
- [54:25]
Michael
That's. Yeah, very true.
- [54:26]
Dr. John DeLoney
And so you, absent information, it's not your job to go searching for it. Hey, what did you say to your son? Is my daughter safe? That's their job is to come knock on your door and say, dude, I just need to follow up. I'm so sorry. Here's what we're doing, here's what happened, here's the steps we're taking for that to not happen again if it does happen again, like you. So absent that information, you've got to go with information you have. And that is, there's a kid over there that constantly is telling my daughter, she's not enough, she's ugly, she's not successful. Something's wrong with her physical features. Oh, and by the way, take her pants off. I'm out.
- [54:59]
Michael
Yeah, that was our thought. Is okay, we gotta figure this one out. And definitely probably gonna cut, you know, not spend time over there anymore. And so it's this, this has been so helpful. Thank you.
- [55:14]
Dr. John DeLoney
But. And again, the last. Let me say this one more time. And this is, this is more for the audience than is for you, because I'm confident you got this. When this first conversation happens, I want you to make sure you use the words. My number one job is to keep you safe. And so I am pulling the plug on this, not you. And like, and basically what you're telling this eight year old is, I'm taking away your autonomy here. I'm stepping in, but I want to play. It's not fair. Oh, my God. You know? Yep. I have one job and that's to keep you safe. And her nervous system will thank you.
- [55:54]
Tess
Okay.
- [55:55]
Michael
Yeah. Those words are a lot better than how I was trying to word it.
- [55:59]
Dr. John DeLoney
No, it's okay. It's okay. It's just, it's, it's, it's, it's a hard thing to know what to say. Right. But it's too big of a decision for an eight year old little girl to make.
- [56:06]
Michael
Yeah. Especially trying to explain to her how it's not okay to.
- [56:10]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yes. And this is a good. If you haven't already, this is a great opportunity to teach her about bathing suit parts.
- [56:18]
Michael
Yes. I actually, like a couple weeks before that I heard your podcast about that and I just talked to her about it and then this incident happened.
- [56:25]
Dr. John DeLoney
Amazing.
- [56:25]
Michael
It was like kind of wonderful on that aspect.
- [56:29]
Dr. John DeLoney
Well, and good for you, mom, because so many parents ignored that conversation. It's so good. And it might be good to follow up and say, how did it make you feel when he asked you that?
- [56:38]
Michael
Right.
- [56:38]
Dr. John DeLoney
And let her, let her align her feelings with being scared and being uncomfortable. And then you have a great teaching moment to say, like, hey, following your gut was the right thing. I'm so proud of you. And then when this happens again, when she's 18, you might take her out and say, I'm gonna tell you about a time I didn't follow my gut. And she's not ready for that conversation yet. But. But. Right. But you're. You're beginning to teach her those things that you may or may not have got when you were a little girl, which is this is how systems change. This is how family trees change right here.
- [57:15]
Michael
Right? That's. Yes. Oh, trying to think. Not to think to when she's 18 already. Hey, man, it's getting home so fast.
- [57:25]
Dr. John DeLoney
I just looked up and my. I only got a few years left with my little one and he's not so little anymore. And I just came to think about her. I'll start. I'll start crying. So can I just applaud you for wanting to do the next great thing with your kids and also for not being over helicoptery and all like all of it. You're doing the. You're doing such great work, and I'm great grateful that you reached out and that I got to sit with you during this one. This conversation is going to help a whole bunch of parents, especially entering into the summer. I'm really grateful for you.
- [57:52]
Michael
Awesome. Thank you for your help.
- [57:54]
Dr. John DeLoney
Oh, blessings to you guys. Go get them and call me anytime I could. I can help, man. And maybe I'm going to reach out to some of you because I've got my own kids and sometimes I don't know what to do. All right, we'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. More and more people are becoming aware of the need for mental health resources, physical health resources, and more, whether it's finally taking action with their physical health, finally getting some friends to do life with, or finally getting the courage to seek professional mental health support. But when it comes to seeing a therapist, over a quarter of the people surveyed say they avoid getting therapy due to the fear of judgment. I personally understand this. I felt that same sense of judgment before I finally got the courage to ask for help. And listen, when people won't get help, it doesn't just affect them. It impacts their families, their workplaces, in their entire communities. The world is better when we are all healthy and whole. And if I can be selfish for you for a moment, the world is better when you are healthy and whole. So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at Better Help. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. They have a network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist. So to get started, just fill out a short online survey and they'll match you with a licensed therapist. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time. And it's really easy to do it. And it costs no extra money. We're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, we're back with a money and marriage question. This is a doozy. I love this one. How can I change my mindset after having an emotionally draining night with the kids? We just end up sitting on the couch on our phones. Kelly, when you hear the phrase, how do I change my mindset after having an emotionally draining night with the kids? I want to make sure I'm hearing this one right. What do you think when you hear that?
- [60:09]
Kelly
I think, like, you know, they were a lot that night. They were. Didn't want to go to bed. They're fight. Depending upon how old they are, they're fighting. They're not doing what they're told. It's just one of those nights where you're just. You just fall on the couch.
- [60:22]
Dr. John DeLoney
You got your butt kicked. Yeah. You lost.
- [60:24]
Kelly
Yeah. You were like, what just happened?
- [60:27]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yes.
- [60:27]
Kelly
So that's what I think of.
- [60:28]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay.
- [60:29]
Kelly
Do you agree?
- [60:29]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. Yeah. That's. That's how I heard it, too. Yeah. Here's my. Here's my. Just my rule of thumb. I don't ever want to fall off the wagon, but I don't mind climbing down the wagon and rolling around in the mud. I don't mind hitching myself to the wagon and going, yeah. And letting it drag me around a little bit. I don't mind that. But the key word here is intentional. And so I think it's important. After one of these emotionally draining nights, I still have them where me and my wife look at each other and we're like, oh, can't make words. Just tiring. The key word here is intentional. We are intentionally going, man, we just got our butts kicked. And honestly, that's not even the night to think through it, because that's when you're like, I'm gonna tell that kid tomorrow that they can never. That's not a good night. Time to do that. And then intentionally say, I want to spend 15 minutes on my phone just staring off into space, and then I'll come back. Let's. I'm gonna intentionally go for a walk. I'm gonna intentionally go take a shower. Let's curl up. This is how we do at my house on these nights we get our butts kicked. It's often one of one person will say, I need to go to bed early tonight. And the other person will say, gotcha. Or one of us will say, hey, you in for a Brooklyn nine? Nine? You got. You got an office rerun in yet? Let's just sit down. That's us saying, we got our butts kicked today. We're tired, but we're intentionally going to spend 30 minutes with the. With our lives paused. And then when that show is over, we turn off the TV and we get back up and we then make our way to what comes next. And so it's all about intentionality. Otherwise, like this says so eloquently. We just end up sitting on the couch on our phones. And you're both wondering who got their butt kicked more. Maybe he's wondering like, well, she's still going to want to, you know, party, because I sent her that text earlier today. And she's maybe sitting there going, if I just sit here, maybe he'll go clean up. And like, you just. You're not intentional with what you say next. And the day just kind of fades away into this. And then, yeah, if you look up, that can become 1, 2, 5, 10, 20 years of your life. Intentionality. I want to live a life that I don't have to numb my way out of. But there are times after get your bell rung in a box boxing match when you gotta stop for a minute and step out of the ring and regroup. Intentional. Great question. Great question. Love you guys. Bye.