I Don’t Feel Safe Sleeping Next to My Husband

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show – “I Don’t Feel Safe Sleeping Next to My Husband”

Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)
Date: February 27, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show is a powerful, caller-driven discussion about navigating difficult relationship and mental health challenges. The episode’s central theme revolves around feeling safe in close relationships — whether due to sleep disorders, estrangement, or breaking away from abuse. Dr. Delony brings a mix of compassion and directness, helping callers explore the intersection of trauma, trust, support, and healing.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Caller 1: “I Don’t Feel Safe Sleeping Next to My Husband”

Topic: Dealing with a partner’s violent sleep behaviors and personal safety

• Background:

  • Phoebe, 31, shares that her 29-year-old husband, who has a history of abnormal sleep behavior (possibly REM sleep behavior disorder), attacked her in his sleep, "punching me repeatedly" without recollection ([00:06-01:30]).
  • The incident was traumatic, leaving Phoebe feeling unsafe and physically tense around her husband ([01:30-01:49]).

• Professional Context:

  • The couple previously consulted a sleep specialist and psychiatrist but avoided medication initially ([01:55-02:10]).
  • Husband struggles with “generalized anxiety” and is in therapy, but lacks peer support ([02:27-02:49]).

• Safety & Recovery Plans:

  • Dr. Delony emphasizes the need for an official diagnosis and a clear medical action plan, noting that sleep-specific interventions like CBTI exist ([03:37-04:30]).
  • He normalizes Phoebe's distrust: “It would not be abnormal. It makes perfect sense to me that when you get in the car again, your body tenses up...” ([04:54]).
  • Suggests “exposure”–gradually re-conditioning the nervous system to feel safe, e.g., sitting together on the couch and intentionally noticing bodily responses ([05:25-06:30]).
  • Encourages sleeping in separate rooms as a “seasonal” safety measure while they find a long-term solution ([10:29-11:13]).

• Wider Concerns:

  • Phoebe expresses fear about having children with him, and the risk posed by his sleep disorder ([06:48-07:17]).
  • Dr. Delony validates the concern but distinguishes between plausible risk and anxiety spirals ([07:17-07:45]).
  • Emphasizes “co-creating a solution” with her husband and fighting hard as a team to address the disorder ([09:09-10:27]).

• Restoring Trust:

  • Dr. Delony: “When he’s awake… there is no safer place. You’re not going to be able to feel or think your way toward that. You’re going to have to act it, live it, lean into it, because your body’s just trying to keep you safe.” ([12:22-13:45])
  • Suggests “practicing” being close and discussing physical reactions openly ([14:02-14:42]).
  • Both partners need to be “willing to do whatever” for healing. “This happened to you, this happened to him, but this happened to y’all.” ([15:10-15:14])
  • “If he was a violent man… totally different conversation” ([15:14-15:21]).
  • Validates the nuance — not all physical incidents from a “man laying a hand on you” are simple: “When he’s unconscious, in amidst a psychiatric disorder. Oh, geez. What to do with that. Right. So it’s just hard.” ([15:30])
  • If medication is ultimately necessary, “be grateful you live in a season… where we’ve got medicine to help with some of these things.” ([15:57])

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2. Caller 2: “Should I Intervene in My Son’s Troubled Marriage?”

Topic: Estrangement, parental guilt, and how a parent can support an adult child in crisis

• Background:

  • Becky, a mother, shares concerns about her son’s failing marriage, their household “in chaos,” and previous estrangement (14 months no contact) ([18:18-19:26]).
  • She reflects on how challenges decades ago shaped her current relationship with her son, including leaving an abusive husband and the guilt of her son choosing to stay with his father ([24:15-26:54]).

• Parental Reflection:

  • Dr. Delony commends Becky for self-reflection: “If anybody gets in a relationship conflict and first goes to the mirror… the whole world would be different.” ([20:01-20:17])
  • They explore how parenting mistakes intersected with undiagnosed anxiety and ADHD in her son’s childhood ([21:19-22:23]).

• Healing Parent/Child Bonds:

  • Becky’s guilt persists even after her son says, “yeah, yeah, that’s over with. That’s in the past.” ([27:01])
  • Dr. Delony (on leaving an abusive marriage in the past): “It’s easy to look back from 2026 lens and go, I can’t believe you did XYZ this way. It was… the courts put kids in insane positions to get them to choose. It’s madness. No kid can carry that weight.” ([27:27-28:01])

• Advice on Supporting Her Son:

  • Delony: “What your son needs more than anything…wants to know that his mom’s proud of him, that she believes in him… she’s still got his back.” ([30:09-30:32])
  • Advises weekly check-ins: “Call him until he says, stop calling me and tell him, I just wanted to tell you today I’m proud of the man you’ve become… I’m one of your biggest cheerleaders.” ([30:50-31:15])
  • Warns against triangulation if the daughter-in-law tries to make Becky take sides ([31:39-31:49]).
  • “Just let your son know I’m proud of you. And if you ever need anything, I’m right here … not throwing solutions and fixes… but presence and support.” ([32:32-33:49])
  • If rejected, cope with heartbreak while maintaining gentle perseverance ([33:49-34:17]).
  • Encourages writing a letter to her younger self to let go of old guilt: “Write her a letter and then stop carrying that brick with you into the present. … what story are you going to write next? Let that be one of support, care, presence.” ([35:04])

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3. Caller 3: “Avoiding Wanting to Get Back Into an Abusive Relationship”

Topic: The psychological pull of abuse cycles and learning self-trust

• Background:

  • Katie, age 20, has just exited a physically, sexually, and psychologically abusive relationship. Despite knowing she deserves better, she misses her ex and feels a familiar magnetic pull to return ([38:33-39:42]).

• Exploring Root Causes:

  • Dr. Delony asks why she wants out: “Because I don’t deserve that.” (Katie, [39:45]). He probes deeper: “Someone will love me better.” / “I love myself more.” ([40:01-40:07]).
  • Discusses the cycle of abuse: tension builds, there’s an “explosion,” followed by a “most glorious version” of the abuser — which is easy to confuse as their “true” self ([41:36-42:38]).
  • The core issue: “...a strong, scared young woman who looks in the mirror and thinks, the problem here at its root is me.” ([43:04])

• Validating the Psychological Aftermath:

  • “You’re not the problem. You’re good.” ([43:15])
  • Dr. Delony introduces the concept of “circular gaslighting”— survivors begin to doubt and blame themselves for enduring abuse ([44:07-44:32]).
  • Real healing comes from “doing the next hard thing,” even if it’s lonely or scary ([45:31]).
  • “This incredibly unsafe relationship—you know it. … The way we’re going to learn to trust ourselves is to do the next hard thing.” ([44:32-45:31])

• Practical Safety Steps:

  • Katie has a safety plan with her therapist and stays with her aunt and uncle ([46:31-46:52]).
  • Dr. Delony recommends considering a restraining order and seeking legal protection ([47:05-47:40]).
  • They discuss the complicated family context, past abuse in Katie’s family, and the importance of finding “a healthy home” and “people who model safety” ([49:16-51:29]).
  • Empowers Katie to check in with campus police, use repetition to rebuild self-trust, and to “seek safety” above all ([52:00-52:43]).

• Encouragement & Closure:

  • “Today’s day one. You in?” ([53:06-53:10])
  • “We’re blocking everything today. We’re done. We’re gonna run from this dude as far as possible.” ([53:10-53:16])
  • “You’re the bravest person I’ve talked to today. I’m proud of you.” ([52:57-53:01])

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4. Listener Question: “Is it Normal to Be Attracted to Someone Else When Married?”

Topic: Navigating normal attraction in marriage

• Courtney writes in: Happily married but “extremely attracted” to another man at church. Wonders if she is “the problem.” ([54:00+])
• Dr. Delony’s Take:
  • It’s normal to find others attractive, but “extremely” is a red flag if it leads to fantasy, comparison, or contempt towards your spouse.
  • The real danger comes from giving emotional energy or imagining alternative lives—not from mere attraction itself.

“No, you’re not the problem because you’re attracted to somebody at church. That’s called you’re a human. It’s what you do with that attraction…”
— Dr. John Delony ([54:00+])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Relearning Trust After Sleep Violence
  “Your body's working, right? It's trying to keep you safe. And it has said that guy not safe. Well, that's not the full picture. … we're going to teach our body that … this guy’s safe. He loves me. His body is really going through it when he’s… asleep, and it traps him.”
  — Dr. John Delony ([06:07])

• On Guilt and Healing in Estranged Parental Relationships
  “The only way that can be done is through repetition, through not throwing solutions and fixes and you need to’s and you should have… I just wanted to call you today and tell you I’m so glad I get to be your mom. I’m proud of the man you’re becoming. I’m always in your corner.”
  — Dr. John Delony ([32:32-33:02])

• On Self-Blame After Abuse
  “It’s not even a matter of just leaving him. It’s a matter of how do I look in the mirror and trust myself again. … Hear me say this as directly as I can. You’re worth trusting yourself.”
  — Dr. John Delony ([44:08-45:31])

• On Attraction While Married
  “You could be the happiest married person in the world and be like, gosh, that guy's awesome. … It's when you start imagining what my life would be not with my person, but with them. … It's what you do with that attraction, whether you acknowledge it … or if it begins to take up real estate in your head…”
  — Dr. John Delony ([54:00+])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:06–15:57]: Phoebe’s call: Sleep violence, trauma recovery, marriage dynamics
• [18:18–35:04]: Becky’s call: Parental guilt, estrangement, how to support adult children
• [38:33–53:20]: Katie’s call: Escaping abuse, managing trauma, and building self-trust
• [54:00+]: Listener mail: Attraction in marriage

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Episode Takeaways

• Safety and agency are central in relationships affected by trauma or psychiatric disorders.
• Healing from both relationship trauma and parental guilt involves practical action, self-compassion, and building (or rebuilding) trust—both with others and self.
• “Presence, not fixes”: Sometimes the best support is gentle, consistent love rather than advice.
• Awareness of one’s limits — sleeping in separate rooms, seeking restraining orders, or taking time apart — can be sound strategies for both safety and healing.
• Normal human attraction does not undermine a marriage; what matters is how you respond to it.

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Tone & Language

Dr. Delony maintains a warm, empathetic, and authentic conversational style throughout. He combines actionable advice, mental health insights, and permission for vulnerability, meeting each caller exactly where they are emotionally and psychologically.

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For listeners, this episode is a candid, emotionally honest exploration of what it means to heal, support, and remain safe — in marriage, parenthood, and within yourself.

Transcript

[Caller]

He has a history of abnormal sleep behaviors. Normally, they're pretty funny, but a few nights ago, he attacked me in his sleep where he was punching me repeatedly and I was screaming at him to stop.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where else does he struggle outside of sleep? Does he struggle with anxiety or depression? What's going on? This is John with a Dr. John DeLoney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls, real calls from real people on your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life, relationships, your marriages, your kids, all of it. And for those of you who have been with us since episode one, I'm super grateful that you've been with us. And if you are new to the show here in 2026, I'm glad that you're along for the ride. Buckle up. And I'd love to hear from you directly. Go to john deloney.com, ask and get your questions in and we will go from there. All right, let's go out to Raleigh, North Carolina and talk to Phoebe. What's up, Phoebe?

[Caller]

Hi, Dr. DeLoney.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How are you?

[Caller]

I'm good. Here's the sitch.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's the Sitch?

[Caller]

I am 31 years old. My husband is 29. We've been married for three years. He has a history of abnormal sleep behaviors. Normally they're pretty funny, but a few nights ago, he attacked me in his sleep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh.

[Caller]

Where? He was punching me repeatedly and I was screaming at him to stop and it couldn't wake him up. In the aftermath of this, I'd say the energy in the house has shifted and he tries to touch me, my whole body tenses up. We just don't know what to do from here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Has he been diagnosed? Diagnosed with a sleep behavior disorder.

[Caller]

So we've been to the sleep doctor and psychiatrist in the past. They just tried to give him benzos, which we didn't want to do. Yeah,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

but is he diagnosed with, like a rem? Sleep behavior disorder?

[Caller]

We think that's what it's going to be. That's our, our next step to do. Okay,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

where else does he struggle outside of sleep? Does he struggle with anxiety or depression? Bipolar disorder, anything like that?

[Caller]

Generalized anxiety?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

He's a full time student. He's been going to therapy, which I think is helpful because his friends aren't really that supportive. They just say, oh, that sucks, bro versus. I have a community of, you know, women that I can connect with after this incident.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so how can I help?

[Caller]

How can we move through this? I mean, is it just therapy or. I, I kind of feel Like, I. I was extremely violated by, you know, the person that I live with and am supposed to trust. I mean, it was a pretty brutal kind of beat down.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller]

It just does not feel the same anymore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. It's terrifying. It's scary. Is it. Is he abusive in any other aspect of your life?

[Caller]

He is not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Is he a safe, loving guy?

[Caller]

He is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

And he feels very bad about this. Extremely guilty.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So. And the reason I'm asking for context, there is the path forward is. Is multi. Tiered. Number one, getting that diagnosis and then getting a path and throwing medication at it sometimes will help. There's all kinds of. Of interventions that are sleep oriented, that just generalized counseling isn't going to solve. But there are CBTI plans for sleep disturbances. But again, I don't know the severity. You're going to see sleep doctors, y' all are seeing mental health professionals, all that continue to do that. Okay. The one thing I would push people for is I want a. An action plan. Okay. That's number one. So y' all are doing those things. The second thing is this. How do I live in a lived experience where I wasn't safe, but the person who made me unsafe did it at no fault of their own? Okay, so this may be a bad, horrible analogy, but it's kind of like he was driving the car and you were a passenger, and while he was driving, the bridge fell out from underneath him and you got badly hurt. That doesn't mean he's a bad driver. That doesn't mean he's an unsafe driver. Right. And it would not be abnormal. It makes perfect sense to me that when you get in the car again, your body tenses up and you don't want to drive with him. That makes sense. Okay, so the path forward is. Is the. In a nerd world, they would call it exposure. I am going to. When I feel my body tense up, I'm gonna. I'm gonna sit by him on the couch for 10 minutes, and I'm just gonna hold his hand. I'm gonna feel that tension I have, and I'm going to let my body experience his safety and his. Our safety and his compassion through that. And at the same time, I might not feel comfortable sleeping in a bed with him until this all gets worked out. And that's okay.

[Caller]

But I do like that idea.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You just think of it this way. Your body's working, right? It's trying to keep you safe. And it has said that guy not safe. Well, that's not the full picture. And so what we're going to do is we're going to teach our body that in that moment, in this situation, we're not safe yet. But this guy is in this context, on this couch, in this car, at this kitchen table, this guy's safe. He loves me. His body is really going through it when he's. When he sleeps, and it traps him. You get the difference there?

[Caller]

I do. I think I'm also struggling with. We've been doing the whole IVF thing, trying to have kids, and then I worry about if he's sleep deprived, you know, with a baby and, you know, would do something to hurt the baby. I mean, he is very. When he is asleep, he is very convincing that he is awake. He can turn. Turn the light on, walk around, make eye contact with you, have a conversation, and he's actually asleep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Okay, let's. Let's bring those conversations on, put them on the table. That's a real concern. It's an unlikely concern, but it's a real concern. And how do we know this? Because you lived through it. And part of an anxiety response is dragging any future thing that could happen into the future and dragging it into the present and trying to solve it now, right?

[Caller]

Yeah, we don't have to solve it now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. But let's, let's put. Let's. Let's put on the table. Could he. While you're crashed out of sleep after having like, been up for. For 72 straight hours, could he fall asleep with your kid right next to him and have an episode? Yep, that could happen. Do we need to solve for that? Yep, we sure do. But do we need to worry about that every minute? Right this second? I don't think we're there. I think we need to definitely put the stuff on the table with the professional and get some guided insight into. We got to dig into this challenge. Or let me ask you another question. Okay. Is this enough of a jolt that you're going to leave the marriage?

[Caller]

I am not. But I'll be honest, the night that it happened, that was going through my head is that I don't feel safe and, oh, my God, we're trying to have a baby and he's going to kill the baby. And I was spiraling really hard, and then, you know, Googling and, you know, Google says everything is the end of the world. I think I've kind of pulled myself out of. Out of that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. If you have somebody in your home with violent sleep disturbances, if he has a diagnosed sleep disorder and part of his acting out is Violence that's very, very real. Okay. That is something that you need to have on your radar for yourself and for any kids, you'll bring it home. Totally true. Your exercise here or your work here, if you will, is a co. Creating a solution with him. We're going to fight like mad dogs to get this thing under control and to get to some solutions here. And I'm going to do my best to lean into the discomfort, because when he's awake, he's the best. He's the guy I married. He's the guy I want to start a family with. And I'm going to teach my body that when we're sitting on the couch together, when my foot touches his under the kitchen table, when we're out with friends, this guy is the safest place I could be. It's a both, and it's a paradox. It's hard, but both of those things are true. Right?

[Caller]

Yeah. It's quite the dichotomy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It is. But just sitting on the side and yelling, that's a dichotomy. That's a dichotomy. That. That's not helpful. Right. I'm gonna get in there. I'm gonna get in the dichotomy with him, and when he's asleep, I'm gonna go upstairs and sleep with the door shut, with it. With it locked for a season until we get this thing under control. That's cool. It's great. Same as if I get the flu, my wife's going to sleep in the guest room. Of course she is. And vice versa. Right. And I'm not trying to minimize what happened. What happened to you is terrifying and scary, and you have a lived experience of the man you love, the guy that's about to be the father of your kids, throwing punches at you. Horrifying. Right. And so we're going.

[Caller]

I never expected that to happen.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No. But he didn't either, right?

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Nobody expects to be driving over a concrete and steel bridge and have it just cave out from underneath them. And I. I guess. I guess. Is there a world where you can experience this as something that happened to you and something that happened to him and something that happened to y'. All. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller]

Yeah. I'm hoping to get to a place to accept this as, you know, an event that happened that we can get through rather than, oh, my God, this is gonna destroy our whole relationship.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. But my guess is, based on what you've told me about him, he can't breathe either.

[Caller]

No. He has been really torn up about it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And not by your hand, but in Yalls lap. Now, your marriage is different. That happened to y' all and to you and to him. Right. And so the path forward is, how do I a keep myself and him, how do we stay safe through appropriate good medical care and psychiatric care and mental health care, we're going to attack this thing head on. And how do I keep myself safe? Just on the regs. Right. And that's not gonna be fun. Right? You don't wanna sleep by yourself forever. It's gonna be like this forever. It's not. Right. And also, how do I lean in and reteach my body? You know what? When this guy has an episode unsafe when he's awake. And with me, there is no safer place. Let me say it this way. You're not gonna be able to feel or think your way towards that. You're going to have to act it. You're going to have to live it, lean into it, because your body's just trying to keep you safe. And it will do. So whether it's rational or not. That makes sense.

[Caller]

It does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not easy, though, huh?

[Caller]

No. But me and him are so in sync on so many things and so in love that I think that we can do it. That sounds so cliche.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I love it. I love it. I love it. All right, so here's what tonight looks like, y'. All. You tell him my body's trying to take care of me. And I know you're not a bad guy. I know you're not the scary one. And so I'm going to start practicing getting close to you. And my body's going to tense up, and I'm going to want to withdraw my hand, and I'm going to force myself to. And it's going to be weird from you because you're going to feel your wife tensing up. We're going to. We're going to relearn this thing together. And by the way, he's going to be insanely gentle with you because he has does not want to ever hurt the woman of his dreams, right?

[Caller]

Correct.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So we're going to practice that in real time. And practically speaking, he's going to get his feelings hurt or he's going to be sad, or maybe he's relieved. You're going to be sad. But we're going to sleep in separate rooms for a while until we get this thing under control. Cool.

[Caller]

He's willing to do whatever?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course he is.

[Caller]

Help us with this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. And I want you to be willing to do whatever, too. Right?

[Caller]

Good point, cuz.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This happened to you, this happened to him, but this happened to y'.

[Caller]

All.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And again, if he was a violent man, you've listened to my show, totally different conversation were happening.

[Caller]

Oh, I know. I think one of the hardest parts is I never realized that there was nuance behind, you know, if your man ever lays a hand on you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. When he's unconscious, in amidst a psychiatric disorder. Oh, geez. What to do with that. Right. So it's just hard. It's hard. But him knowing I'm on your team, I'm going to stay safe. I'm going to keep you safe, but I'm on your team. We're going to figure this out. We're getting the bottom of this thing. That, to me, sounds like a pretty amazing path towards healing.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And for whatever it's. Whatever it's worth, as I hang up this. Hang up this call, if you're surrounded by a team of experts and they tell you. The path forward for the. For the se. This season and maybe beyond is pharmacological, is medicine. Be grateful you live in a season, a little snapshot of life where we've got medicine to help with some of these things. That's not the end of time. It's not the worst thing. And if that's what it needs to be, that's what it is. And we'll keep searching for things, we'll keep working on things, we'll keep working on underlying issues and all that kind of stuff. But if that's where we need to be for now, great. Awesome. On to the next. Thank you for the call, sister. Gosh, what a scary, scary thing. Scary thing. I'm glad you've both got each other. Y' all rebuild from this. This scary episode. I've been talking about poncho shirts for years, and if you've seen me on stages or around town, you've probably seen me wearing a poncho shirt. I'm wearing one right now, and this is awesome. I'm not the only one wearing them. I'm seeing them on members of my audience. I'm seeing them at live shows. I'm seeing people at my church wear them. Even my co workers. Everybody's asking me, like, hey, man, can you hook me up with a poncho shirt? Why? Because poncho shirts are the best men's performance shirts anywhere right now. It's the last call for their winter flannels and corduroys. It's still super cold. Outside. And poncho starts to run out of these shirts this time of year. So head to ponchooutdoors.com DeLoney now to get yours. Now listen, poncho denim, I love it. It has that soft, broken in feel with a little bit of stretch. It's like you've worn it a million, but you still look awesome. And poncho flannels come in original or western styles, slim or regular fit. They are guaranteed to be the softest shirts you own, and somehow all of their clothes are tough and comfortable. Head to ponchooutdoors.com deloney and you'll get 10 bucks off your first order when you sign up with your email. Listen, get poncho. That's poncho outdoors.com deloney for 10 bucks off, let's go out to Miami, Florida and talk to Becky. Hey, Becky, what's going on?

[Caller]

My question is, should I intervene in my son's troubled marriage or stay out of it?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, no. What does. What does intervene mean?

[Caller]

I was up there recently for Christmas and their home is just in chaos and full of tension or full of, you know, just tension and avoidance. And there's no affection between them. They're pretty much living parallel lives. She stayed down the basement the majority of the time when I was there. They don't seem to interact much. Their finances are separately. It's just. It just seems like it's a total mess, and I just see it imploding any day now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's your relationship like with your son? Y' all close?

[Caller]

No, he had cut me off for like the last 14 months or so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why did he cut you off?

[Caller]

I wasn't really sure. I was thinking, okay, you know, is it this adult child estrangement thing that seems to be a big thing now and then, listening to your podcast and other things about it, they're saying, okay, that I need to take a look at. What is my role in this?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I. Can I just stop you right there for a second?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're amazing.

[Caller]

I am.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes, yes. If anybody. Listen, if anybody, especially on something as sensitive as this topic, anybody who gets in a relationship conflict and first goes to the mirror and says and just asks, did I play any part of this? What, what, what, what responsibilities, what ownership do I need to take here? The whole world would be different. And it's especially hard when it comes to your son. Because if you're like me, like all parents, I know there are things, numerous things that you would like to do over or have back. Is that fair?

[Caller]

Oh, tons of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go. There you go. Okay, so that can be a heavy burden. It's heavy when you realize I said something to a co worker that hurt their feelings. It's. It's. It's nightmarishly heavy when it comes to. I did or said things that hurt my kid.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or maybe I'd even hurt them. But, man, there are things I could have done way, way better.

[Caller]

Oh, definitely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. That's heavy. So I applaud you, Becky. I applaud you. Good on you. Good on you. Okay, so you went to the mirror. What'd you find?

[Caller]

I feel that I failed him when he was a child because.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How so. That's strong language. How'd you fail him?

[Caller]

You know, when he was. When he was little and, you know, I'm trying to teach him things and stuff like that, and I. You know that kids are supposed to go and clean up their room. And, like, I would make him go, you know, put him in his room and say, okay, clean up your room. And I'd come back, you know, an hour and a half later or whatever, and nothing had changed. Nothing was cleaned up. And I just thought, okay, he's just being a brat. I'm just going to let him live like this, then if he wants to live in a messy room, let him live in a messy room. And I was failing at that time to realize that he didn't have a clue what to do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It was. It was a skills issue, not a character issue. Huh.

[Caller]

Yeah. I mean, it's like what I'm finding out now is that I think he was suffering from anxiety or ADHD or something at that time, you know, when this was the start of it, because there was so much tension in our home. And, you know, it's like, I didn't recognize that. And it was over 40 years ago, and that stuff wasn't recognized and brought to people's attention. And it's like, I had no idea. You know, I just thought he was being a little brat.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. And honest. Can we just say he probably also kind of was doing that, too. It's both. And. Right. Kids can be brats, too, right?

[Caller]

Pardon me?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, kids can be brats, too.

[Caller]

Yeah. Right? Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But it's probably all of it. Okay, so. So fast forward me all the way till now. He cut you off. He didn't cut you off because of what happened 40 years ago. Why did he decide 14 months ago, I'm going. No contact with my mom. What happened? Was there a thing that happened?

[Caller]

No, not really. No. There wasn't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did he. Did he give you some big announcement, some long text message that said, I'm officially cutting you out? Like, how did it happen? Or did he just stop returning your calls?

[Caller]

Yeah, he just wouldn't pick up the phone. He wouldn't return my tax. There was just nothing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How did your invitation to come visit him for the holidays come to be

[Caller]

all of a sudden that he just picked up the phone and he talked to me friendly, and it was like. I'm not sure how to say, but, I mean, it's like all of a sudden he was talking like nothing had ever happened.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

But also, I have to say, when I was married to his father, it was an abusive relationship. It was mainly verbally abusive, but it also was physically abusive. And I was seeing it, that it was turning more and more towards. And I had to get out of that marriage. I was just. I was so broken emotionally, mentally, that I just. I was just a lot of it. Yeah. And I was going through, you know, I tried to go to counseling with my husband at that time, and he just did not believe in it. And so he would tell my son all the time, well, your mother is crazy. She belongs in an insane asylum. Anybody that goes to counseling is crazy. And, you know, the counselors had told me at that time that, you know, it's like, it's going to be very tough out there and stuff. And I knew that he was going to cut me off without a dime. I was going to be completely on my own to restart all over again. And I was afraid how it was going to take care of my son. And out of. The counselors were telling me that at that age of 12 years old, that the courts allow the child to make a decision as to who he wants to stay with. And, you know, he chose to stay with his father. And, I mean, it's like I have had so much guilt and shame because of that decision that I left my son. And I feel like I failed him at that time. And I have apologized to him so many times.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does he say when you apologize?

[Caller]

He. The last time that I did, you know, when I was up there, he said, yeah, yeah, that's over with. That's in the past.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

But I don't know if it is. At least it isn't for me, and I'm hanging on to that guilt.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so a couple of big things here. Okay.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Number one, you are exactly right. In the 70s and 80s is a very different world now. Okay.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want to applaud you for choosing safety. That was, I mean, 40 years ago. That was. I mean, you were just legally just barely allowed to get a mortgage on your own or to get your own checking account. Right? Yeah, that was a whole new world. And it's easy to look back from 2026 lens and go, I can't believe you did XYZ this way. It was. The courts put kids in insane positions to get them to choose. It's madness. No kid can carry that weight.

[Caller]

Right, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And kids don't understand abuse. They understand candy and free time and. Right. And so, I mean, I say that wrong. Kids do understand abuse, but they don't understand the dynamics in a marriage. They just know tension, not tension. And if one parent is trying to take the high road and shield them and the other parent is saying she's the reason why all the tensions in the house, of course, 12 year olds are going to. Right, so here's all this to say. Is there some truth that you left your son with an abusive man? Yeah, there is.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's own. Let's just own it. You have did. Was your son a victim of that abuse over time?

[Caller]

You know, I think, you know, his telling him how awful I was and that I never loved him, otherwise I could have never left him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. All. That's all, that's all that insanity that your husband, your ex husband spewed all over your child. But I'm talking about. You know what? That's not even a good line of questioning. Let's just, let me, let me pause right there. Okay. Yeah, let's get right back to the original, original question. All right, you're watching replay in real time, an experience you lived through with somebody you love. Right?

[Caller]

Yeah. He's not, he's not abusive.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[Caller]

That you know, that I know of. Yeah, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And who knows what he's experiencing at home? Who knows if the last year he didn't text or call as much or at all, if he was trying to keep his head above water, keep his marriage duct tape together, it may have just gotten away from him. Maybe it was appointed. I'm cutting you off. Maybe. But maybe it was also. I'm just trying to get through each day because it's chaos here. Who knows?

[Caller]

I think, yeah, I think that might be a lot of it because, I mean, it's like that house is. It's in disrepair. It's just a total mess. There's junk all over.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, hold on. Here's what your son needs more than anything in the world. Okay.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Actually, I don't know what your son needs, and I especially don't know what he wants. But I can give you a hint that almost every son I know.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wants to know that his mom's proud of him, that she believes in him.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that no matter how old they both are, she's still got his back.

[Caller]

Yes. That's what I need to know. How. How can I be there for him during this rough time?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You become the safest place possible.

[Caller]

And how do I do that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Call him once a week. You call him until he says, stop calling me and tell him. I just wanted to tell you today I'm proud of the man you've become. I'm proud of the dad you are. If you ever need anything in the world, your number two cheerleader, which you should be number two behind his wife, you're one of your biggest cheerleaders in the world, is right here.

[Caller]

Well, his. His wife confided in me when I was up there that she hates the house. She thinks he has ADD or severe anxiety, which sure drives her nuts. She really didn't picture herself being with a man who has children. She's. And she's considering moving into their camp.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. But don't get triangulated into that. She's trying to drag his mother into her side so she can win.

[Caller]

I see.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because you know why? I've got ADD too.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I've got anxiety, too. And my wife will burn down the side of the earth for me. And I've had to make some pretty significant changes. I've had to go get well and all that kind of stuff, too. It's a context. It's not an excuse. That's all I'm saying. Okay. And I'm sure your son plays his part, and I'm sure she plays it. Who know? Who knows what I'm. What I want to tell you is in the same way you experienced, nobody really knew what was going on inside your house growing up. They just were able to listen to one story and pin you as the bad guy. Don't do that same. Don't make that same mistake in their home.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just let your son know I'm proud of you. And if you ever need anything, I'm right here. And the only way that can be done is through repetition, through not throwing solutions and fixes. And you need to's. And you should have none of that. I just thought I needed to call you today. I wanted to call you today and tell you I'm so glad I get to Be your mom. I'm proud of the man you're becoming. I'm always in your corner.

[Caller]

That's it. Thank you. Thank you. That's simple. And yet it's to the point. And what if. What if he doesn't pick up the phone again? Which, I mean, it's like I've tried calling him several times.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If he doesn't pick up the phone, you may have 30 year history of every phone call turns into in a big apology. And what about the who knows, I don't know yalls history? If he won't pick up the phone, you can leave him a voicemail or you can text it to him.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what you he'll have is six months of voice messages and text once a week. Not crazy, not every five minutes, right? But it will slowly seep in. That woman's on my team.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, this is really a vulnerable move for you because he might tell you, stop calling me mom. And if he does that, you're gonna have to have a season of grief, heartbreak, sadness. And you've had a hell of a lot of that, right?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. But I promise you, the person who knows more than anybody how tense his house is is him.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not like you're going to be like, you know what, I noticed these things and he's going to go, no way. That's what it is. He knows. He knows. My guess is he probably has nobody on his team.

[Caller]

No, he does not. Okay? They don't go anywhere. He doesn't have any friends, okay? He, you know, there's nobody.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm proud of you. I'm so glad that I get to be your mom. I'm always on your team. And if you have a history of fill in the blank, tell them. For the last 30 years, I've bombed you with advice and trying to lecture you. I'm not doing that anymore. I just want you to know I see you and I love you.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And maybe if you have things that left unsaid that you like, I really want to tell them this. You start a journal and write all that down. And maybe one day he'll knock on your door and be like, mom, I need some help. You'll be like, ha, I've got a book. I'm ready. Right? But what he needs to know right now is that his mom think is proud of him. His mom loves him. His mom's on his team. I'm not going to. I'm not going to give you advice. You don't ask For I'm not going to tell you what you should have done or I made this. Because if he wants that stuff, he'll ask for it. He may not even know if he can ask for it. But if he said, mom, it's in the past, stop apologizing. Then listen to your son and stop apologizing. One way to do that, Becky, is I would write 22 year old you a letter and let that woman off the hook. You've beaten her up enough. Enough. Write a. Write her a letter, tell you're proud of her for doing the brave, scary thing, you regret that she walked out on her, all those things, all that stuff. Write her a letter. And then stop carrying that brick with you into the present. Just weighing you down now. I hate that he's going through this. I hate that you're going through this. And for all parents out there, what I'm hearing over and over from folks, when I challenge them, I cut my parents off. It's not that they don't want to be around their parents, is that they're tired of the lectures. They're tired of, even in their adulthood, feeling less than they're tired of being told you should have. What kids really need to know is, my God, I'm proud of you. My God, I'm worried about you. My God, I love you. My God, if you ever need me, I won't, I won't. I won't lecture. I'll just listen. I'm here. That's what folks I'm hearing over and over need. Thanks for the call, Becky. I love your heart. You've done some brave stuff over the years. Of course you've got stuff you want to take back. All of those stories have a period at the end. The only question is, what story are you going to write next? Let that be one of support, care, presence. We come back, a woman asks how to avoid wanting to get back into an abusive relationship. We'll be right back. Montana Knife Co. Makes the best knives on the planet, period. My son and I just returned from a big elk hunt and Montana Knife Co. Knives were in full display. And then we got home and my wife and I started cooking up this food and, and again in the kitchen. We were using Montana Knife Company knives. They are the best between the woods, between the kitchen. My family and I need knives that actually hold up. I bought my wife the chef's knife set several years ago and she still says it's one of the greatest gifts I've ever bought her. I have a number of Montana Knife Co. Knives for my outdoor adventures. They are designed and tested and built by real hunters and real fishermen and real cooks. And when you pick one up, you can feel the quality. They're proudly made in the usa. They are razor sharp, out of the box, and they are tough enough to last a lifetime. Montana knife guarantees that my grandkids are going to fight over these knives someday. If they need sharpening, you just send them back and they will sharpen them for free. Give the outdoorsman and the cook in your life knives they'll actually love and use. Go to montanaknifecompany.com to see what's available right now. They sell out so fast, so go check them out. You won't be disappointed. That's Montana knifecompany.com All right, we're back. Let's go to Denver, Colorado, and talk to Katie. Hey, Katie. What's up?

[Caller]

Hi, Dr. John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Caller]

I was calling today because I recently got out of an abusive relationship. And, I mean, I'm so. Again, I have tried to leave and have gone back, and I just find myself missing him and, like, wanting to go back, and I just. I want to know how to move on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man, I'm so sorry. How long were you all together?

[Caller]

We were together for, like, two years, and then off and on for the last year.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are you?

[Caller]

20.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

20. How old is he?

[Caller]

Also 20. Okay,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

so as much as you feel comfortable, talk to me about the abuse.

[Caller]

Yeah. So it was. I mean, everything you can think of, and it started only three months, in, which I find is kind of uncommon in those things, but it was physical, mostly sexual and psychological.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So why do you want to get out?

[Caller]

Because I don't deserve that. Okay,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

that's true. Go one step deeper.

[Caller]

Someone will love me better.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, keep going.

[Caller]

I love myself more.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There we go. Yeah. I want more. I'm worth more.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So this is going to sound like a crazy line of questions. Will you go with me on it?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What makes him awesome? What makes him wonderful?

[Caller]

He, like, at the beginning, and when he goes back into that nice stage to get me back. He's really nice.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. What does really nice mean?

[Caller]

He cares. Like, he shows that he cares about me by, I don't know, like, doing things and asking questions about my day and talking to me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's just, like, basic human interaction.

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What makes it hard to leave?

[Caller]

I think I actually. I know that I. I get scared that he's going to change for someone else, and I'm going to Miss out on that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What would you be missing out on?

[Caller]

I don't know. Him not being abusive.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So the cycle of abuse, it's. It's frustratingly routine.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which is it builds and it builds and it builds and then there's a big explosion, there's a big incident. And in the abuser, this bill, this pressure release go. Is gone. They can see the world a little more clearly and they become the most glorious versions of themselves. And for those who love them, it's really easy to believe the lie that that's the true them. And that if you could say something different, if you could act a little bit different, if you just didn't put yourself in this position, if you just didn't wear this thing, if you just were enough or right, then they would be free to do. To be their full, glorious self all the time.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or maybe somebody else out there would say and do the right things so they could be their glorious self all the time. All of that points back to. That's the reason I was asking the question at the beginning. It points back to a strong, scared young woman who looks in the mirror and thinks, the problem here at its root is me.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And hear me say this with as much clarity as I can. You're not the problem.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're good. And can. I don't think I've ever even talked through this on the. On the show before. Can I. Can we go a little bit deeper for a second?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

One thing I've heard from folks over and over who've been in abusive relationships is there's the abuse, there's the pain, there's the hurt, there's the. There's the. Somebody's taking my autonomy from all that stuff.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And underneath it, there's that question of why did you. Being you, Katie. Why did I allow this?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What kind of person am I? And you begin to almost, in a weird way, it's probably. This is the wrong word to use, but it becomes like a circular gaslighting of yourself.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You lose trust in you. I can't even make good choices on safe. On safety. I must be the problem. Like. Right. And so it's not even a matter of just leaving him. It's a matter of how do I look in the mirror and trust myself again. I did that with that guy multiple times. Right.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And sometimes instead of facing ourselves, it's easier just to man think we can protect ourselves and go back in looking for that quote, unquote, true, glorious version of that person. So Hear me say this as directly as I can. You're worth trusting yourself. This is this incredibly unsafe relationship and you know it. And yes, you deserve better and you want better, and you're worth better, and you're worth trusting yourself. And the way we're going to learn to trust ourselves is to do the next hard thing. Even if it feels lonely, scary, whatever. Okay. Just because it hurts doesn't mean it's not the next right move.

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or let me say it directly. I'm talking to you as though I was talking to my 10 year old daughter. Please run.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And don't look back.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you need two or three girlfriends to call when you want to call them. Have that. And you're not crazy when you want to call them.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're not crazy if you miss him. You're not crazy if you're constantly asking yourself, what was it like? That's just. That's just part of. That's what makes being in an abusive relationship so damaging. It severs you from yourself.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you live with him?

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Are you economically independent? Can you pay your own bills?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have a place to go?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have a safe place to go?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You paused on that one. Where are you gonna go?

[Caller]

I. My therapist and I had to make a plan and he doesn't know where my aunt and uncle lives. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is it time for a restraining order?

[Caller]

That's the other fun part, is his whole family's intertwined with mine.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No. Have you sat down and talked to your folks? Are they trustworthy?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What'd they say?

[Caller]

Well, my mom doesn't want me to go back, obviously, but she also doesn't want me to, like, take any legal action because. And I have to relive it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does she have experience with this?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She does?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

From your dad?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I'm so sorry, Katie.

[Caller]

Thank

[Dr. John DeLoney]

you. I guess what I would tell you is you're. You're reliving it anyway.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah, I have, like, flashbacks and of course, mess with my sleep. So I diagnosed ptsd, and I am looking into emdr, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But all of those solutions, all of that healing, the hitting's got to stop first.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And. I'm brokenhearted with you over the abuse. I'm brokenhearted on you. I mean, with you over what this just does to your insides, like how you can trust yourself. And my God, I'm brokenhearted that you've got people in your family who've experienced this too, and their story and their choices are encouraging. You to in many ways to stay unsafe.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or, let me say it, from a healthy relationship. I don't care how intertwined my family is with somebody. If somebody hurts my daughter, we get untangled real, real quick.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm not the only one. I'm not some tough macho guy. I'm. I'm every other dad I know of. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is your uncle and your aunt a safe place?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

And they know what happened then?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do they know about your dad and your mom's situation too?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Would you do yourself the honor of asking their wisdom on restraining orders and getting the authorities involved and getting some legal separation between the two of you so he can't just find you and show up?

[Caller]

Yeah, I will.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

The. I don't. I go to college in a different town from my hometown. And the police appear like he's technically not allowed in this town. But then when I go home, it just makes it difficult. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It may be that we're not gonna go home for a while then,

[Caller]

and

[Dr. John DeLoney]

we're gonna have to grieve that too. He took that away also.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or your dad isn't a person of character enough to create a safe place for his baby to girl to come home no matter how old she is.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you've been grieving that loss for a long time, huh?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. It's a strange, weird thing how our bodies go to what it knows.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It goes to what it remembers. Even if what it remembers is. Is bad.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So if your uncle and your aunt are great people and they can model for you, this is what a healthy. A healthy home feels like. This is what safety feels like. Your body doesn't even know what that feels like.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is what love looks like. What'd your dad say when you told him?

[Caller]

We actually don't talk anymore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Good for you.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are your mom and dad still married?

[Caller]

No. Okay,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, make it a every semester thing to check back in with your campus police department to make sure. And I did that work for 20 years working with campus officers to keep my students safe from off campus X's. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It can be done.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And all of these actions you take are tiny little steps towards regaining trust in you. That you're not what he says you are and you're not what he did to you.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Keep these two words in your head at all times. Seek safety.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Cool.

[Caller]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're gonna want. I mean, you call me anytime.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And we'll put you through. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're the bravest person I've talked to today. I'm proud of you.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Today's day one. You in?

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm proud of you. We're blocking everything today. We're done. We're gonna run from this dude as far as possible.

[Caller]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. Blessings to you, sister.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Sometimes it feels like everyone else's love lives are these perfect little Hallmark movies. Here's the truth. Whether you're married, dating or single, everybody is still figuring out how to do relationships. I've been married for 23 and a half years. Both my wife and I have PhDs, and we're still trying to figure out how to keep our marriage rolling down the track. Both of us have benefited greatly from our times with a great therapist. No matter if you just met someone or if you've been married forever like me, therapy can help you find your way. It can help you find what you want, what feels heavy, and how you can take some of the pressure off yourself and your relationships. Whether for individuals or couples, therapy is an opportunity to identify what's getting in the way, help remove any blockers, and create a plan for moving forward. I recommend better help if you're just starting therapy. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions through the platform. And if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch anytime at no additional cost. When it comes to love and relationships, everyone is still finding their way. Find yours. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.com DeLoney all right, we're back. Alex taking the car keys from Kelly 1.0. Gosh, man. The lack of mean looks you've given me today just is restoring my faith in humanity. Thank you for that. Yeah, Kelly was getting a bit old. I had to take the keys away. She can only drive between the hours of 2 and 4pm all right, what's up? All right, so Courtney says I am happily married and I'm all of a sudden extremely attracted to a man I go to church with. It's embarrassing. Is it normal to experience attraction like this while being married? Am I the problem? Read that again. Read it slow. You're making me put in extra work today. All right, you read fast. Read it slow. I need to comprehend this. I am happily married and I'm all of a sudden extreme. You sound like you're saying it. So this is a caller. Yes, Courtney. Okay, Courtney wrote in. I am not extremely attracted to a man at church I go to church with. Well, you are. Well, I don't go to your church. That's why. All right, so Courtney wrote in and she has an am I the problem? Question. Correct. And she is asking. Okay, read it slowly for me. I am happily married and am all of a sudden extremely attracted to a man I go to church with. It's embarrassing. And is it normal to experience attraction like this while being married? Yeah, you're going to be attracted to other people. The word that she put in there is extremely. And that's, that's the one that gives me pause. Yes, you could be the happiest married person in the world and be like, gosh, that guy's awesome. She's beautiful. That guy's super handsome. That guy makes way more money than my husband. Like, that's normal, normal, normal, normal. The extremely, like, tells me it's when you start imagining what life would be with that person. When you start keeping a scorecard in your back pocket of how this person is better than the person you're with. This person understands me. This person's funny. This person's makes more money. They drive a nicer car. My. And then that turns into, you know, contempt. My husband doesn't work as much. He has a job, doesn't pay. Like, that's when you get yourself into problems. But no, being attracted is just like, that's part of human nature. People are just good looking. People are just. There's just people you like being around. They're magnetic and it's awesome. It's great, wonderful. It's when you start fantasizing. And I don't mean just in the bedroom. It's when you start imagining what my life would be not with my person, but with them. That's when the, you shoot the text. That's when you try to start wearing clothes to church or to work or whatever so that they'll comment on them. That's when you, that's when you get yourself into trouble. And so, no, you're not the problem because you're attracted to somebody. Church, that's called you're a human. It's what you do with that attraction, whether you acknowledge it and be like, yeah, dude's smoke show. And then you move on with your life or if it begins to take up real estate in your head or if it's an indicator of. I actually am not attracted to the person I'm with, and we need to have that hard conversation. So there you go. What do you think about that, Alex? Let you know when I'm married in, like, a few months. What a great answer. It's all dodge the question, like the Matrix. I know, dude. Just. Yeah, you're. You're in that. About to be married. There's only one for good Alex. Goodbye.