I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids

Summary

Summary of "I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids" – The Dr. John Delony Show

Release Date: February 14, 2025
Host: Dr. John DeLoney
Podcast Series: The Dr. John Delony Show, hosted by Ramsey Network

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Introduction

In this engaging episode of "The Dr. John DeLoney Show," Dr. DeLoney addresses real-life concerns from parents navigating the complexities of raising teenagers in today’s world. The episode delves into themes of parenting styles, relationship boundaries, and the challenges of safeguarding youth in an increasingly interconnected society. Through heartfelt conversations and expert advice, Dr. DeLoney offers insightful strategies for fostering healthy family dynamics and personal growth.

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Caller Spotlight: Kelly from Dayton, Ohio – Navigating Conflict in Parenting

Timestamp: [00:05] – [19:03]

Caller: Kelly
Topic: Her 16-year-old daughter feels unprepared for the real world due to her parents' non-confrontational ("Disney-like") parenting style.

Kelly's Concern: Kelly shares that her oldest daughter expressed feeling unprepared for real-world challenges because Kelly and her husband rarely argue or demonstrate conflict resolution. Her daughter observed contrasting behaviors at a friend's house, leading to her apprehensions about future relationships.

Notable Quotes:

• Kelly: “I feel like you haven't prepared us for the real world.” [00:05]
• Dr. John DeLoney: “The fact that your child can get through high school without their parents ever screaming and cursing at them is a huge win.” [04:15]
• Dr. John DeLoney: “She found herself in an external situation that scared her and she did not think of it like this.” [05:00]
• Kelly: “I hope so. Thank you so much.” [19:03]

Dr. DeLoney's Insights: Dr. DeLoney commends Kelly and her husband for maintaining a peaceful household, emphasizing that their approach provides a stable and safe environment for their children. He explains that avoiding overt conflict equips children with a “sturdy” support system and an “escape hatch” to return home when facing adversity. Dr. DeLoney encourages parents to incorporate gentle, honest conversations about real-life challenges without forcing artificial conflicts. He suggests regular, open dialogues to build trust and prepare children for handling future relationships constructively.

Actionable Advice:

• Engage in regular, non-confrontational conversations about real-world scenarios.
• Share personal stories of past challenges to model effective conflict resolution.
• Create a safe space where children feel comfortable expressing their fears and concerns.

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Relationship Boundaries: Jack from San Antonio, Texas – Dealing with a Partner’s Ex-Relationship

Timestamp: [22:20] – [30:27]

Caller: Jack
Topic: His girlfriend maintains a close friendship with her ex-boyfriend, spending significant time together, which is causing strain in their new relationship.

Jack's Concern: Jack expresses discomfort with his girlfriend’s ongoing friendship with her ex, who remains a significant presence in her life. Despite his efforts to communicate his feelings, his girlfriend dismisses his concerns, leading to recurring arguments.

Notable Quotes:

• Jack: “She'S very close to him and he probably hangs out with her at least four days out of the week.” [22:35]
• Dr. John DeLoney: “No relationship is worth absolving your values for.” [28:04]
• Dr. John DeLoney: “Don't, dude. They will. They're going to erupt.” [26:13]

Dr. DeLoney's Insights: Dr. DeLoney advises Jack to prioritize his own boundaries and values over maintaining the relationship under uncomfortable circumstances. He emphasizes the importance of addressing issues early in the relationship to prevent future resentment and emotional harm. Dr. DeLoney underscores that clear communication and mutual respect are foundational to any healthy partnership.

Actionable Advice:

• Clearly communicate personal boundaries and the reasons behind them.
• Assess whether the relationship aligns with your values and emotional well-being.
• Be prepared to end the relationship respectfully if fundamental boundaries cannot be reconciled.

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Listener Letter: Sydney from San Diego, California – Protecting a Younger Sibling

Timestamp: [19:03] – [42:42]

Letter from: Sydney
Topic: Concern over her 16-year-old sister’s involvement in unprotected sexual relationships and seeking guidance on how to handle it without breaching trust.

Sydney's Concern: Sydney, a 19-year-old, is troubled by her 16-year-old sister’s sexual activities, including unprotected sex with a 14-year-old boyfriend. She struggles with the dilemma of informing their parents, fearing it would breach trust and damage their relationship.

Notable Quotes:

• Sydney (Dr. DeLoney’s paraphrase): “Secrets will kill you. Secrets will kill you. Secrets will kill you.” [29:05]
• Dr. John DeLoney: “As a 19 year old, a big sister of a 16 year old, God bless you for being in her life and for being a safe place for her to call.” [39:00]
• Dr. John DeLoney: “Her sexual decisions regarding her boyfriends concern me as she has no job, no car and she's too young to be responsible for the consequences of having sex.” [21:00]

Dr. DeLoney's Insights: Dr. DeLoney acknowledges Sydney’s difficult position and stresses the importance of prioritizing her sister’s safety over maintaining secrecy. He advocates for involving responsible adults, such as parents or trained counselors, to ensure her sister receives the necessary support and guidance. Dr. DeLoney highlights that protecting a minor’s well-being takes precedence over preserving personal trust agreements.

Actionable Advice:

• Immediate Action: Reach out to trusted adults or professionals who can intervene appropriately.
• Communication: Have an honest and compassionate conversation with her sister, emphasizing concern for her safety.
• Support Systems: Encourage involvement of parents, counselors, or other support networks to provide comprehensive assistance.

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Success Story: Amy's Journey to Building Mom Friendships

Timestamp: [42:42] – [43:53]

Listener: Amy
Topic: Overcoming loneliness as a new mother by reconnecting with old friends and forming a supportive community.

Amy's Story: Amy shares her experience of overcoming loneliness after the birth of her two children. Inspired by Dr. DeLoney's show, she reached out to former high school friends, leading to regular meet-ups with other mothers. This has significantly improved her social life and provided a much-needed support system.

Notable Quotes:

• Amy: “Because of your show, I decided to reach out to two girls that I knew in high school that I haven't talked to in seven years and ask if they wanted to pick to meet up at a park because I needed mom friends.” [42:46]
• Dr. John DeLoney: “20, 25, pick up the phone, make the call, shoot the text message, and if they can't come, that stinks.” [43:51]

Dr. DeLoney's Insights: Dr. DeLoney celebrates Amy’s proactive approach to combating loneliness by re-establishing connections. He encourages all listeners to take similar steps in reaching out to build meaningful relationships, emphasizing that creating a community is essential for personal well-being and shared experiences.

Actionable Advice:

• Proactive Outreach: Don’t hesitate to reconnect with old friends or reach out to new ones.
• Regular Engagement: Schedule consistent meet-ups to foster lasting friendships.
• Community Building: Create a supportive environment where shared experiences can be discussed and enjoyed.

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Conclusion

In this episode, Dr. John DeLoney masterfully navigates complex issues surrounding parenting, relationships, and personal well-being. He emphasizes the importance of open communication, establishing boundaries, and fostering supportive environments both at home and in personal relationships. Through real-life examples and compassionate guidance, Dr. DeLoney equips listeners with the tools needed to address and overcome the challenges they face in their everyday lives.

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Key Takeaways

1. Balanced Parenting: Maintaining a peaceful household provides children with a secure foundation, but incorporating honest discussions about real-world challenges is crucial for their preparedness.
2. Relationship Boundaries: Respecting personal boundaries in relationships ensures mutual respect and emotional well-being.
3. Protecting Youth: Prioritizing the safety and well-being of younger siblings or family members may require difficult decisions, including involving responsible adults.
4. Building Community: Proactively seeking and nurturing friendships can greatly enhance personal support systems and overall happiness.

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By addressing these topics with empathy and expertise, Dr. DeLoney continues to offer invaluable support to listeners navigating the intricacies of modern life.

Transcript

[Kelly]

Our oldest will be 16 in February. But she came home from a friend's house the other day and brought up something. She said, hey, mom and dad. Like, I feel like you haven't prepared us for the real world. So, like, alarms start going off.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're so awesome. You're so awesome. I'd high five you if you were sitting right here. What up? What's going on? This is John with the doctor, Dr. John DeLoney show, talking to you about your marriage, your relationships, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life, your kids, your schools. I don't know what's going on in your world. I know mine is B, A, N, A, N, A, S. Kelly, how is your world these days?

[Joey]

Fine.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That.

[Joey]

I. I don't know how to answer that question. You've never asked me that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's not true.

[Joey]

Oh, pretty much 100% true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I always ask you how things are going.

[Joey]

Yeah, but, like, not on the show. Like. Like starting a show like that. It's usually not like that. It's fine. I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is your life going like Kelly's is? This show is for you. It was so bad and chaotic, you can't even talk about it. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291. Shows for real people going through real challenges. Like Kelly. Like Kelly. I won't talk about your personal challenges on the show, but God help you.

[Joey]

Are my personal challenge.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That is true. That is very true. If you want to be on the show or you can go to john deloney.com ask. I would love to have you. We get calls from all over planet Earth, and we love for you to reach out and leave a message or fill out the form and we'll see if we can get back to you and get you on the show. All right, let's go out to Dayton, Ohio, and talk to Joey. What's up, Joey?

[Kelly]

Hey, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. How are you?

[Kelly]

I'm doing well. I'm covered in snow up here, but other than that, we're great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We don't know what that is down here in Nashville. Actually, we have a little bit of snow down here.

[Kelly]

I used to live in Knoxville. I miss it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Exactly. And can I just give you a quick shout out? Joey was the name of my childhood crush on Dawson's Creek. And, I mean, I named my daughter Josephine with the intention of her being named Joey, but it hasn't worked out.

[Kelly]

No way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yep.

[Kelly]

She goes a pretty great show.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It was the Best. Okay. So what's up, Joey? How can I help?

[Kelly]

Hey. So, yeah, so my husband and I have been married. It'll be 18 years in August, going really well. We're really happy. We have four kids, but it's brought up a couple funny things. Our oldest will be 16 in February, so heaven help us. But she came home from a friend's house the other day and brought up something. She said, hey, mom and dad, I feel like you haven't prepared us for the real world. So alarms start going off and we asked her to elaborate on it and she said, well, you guys are kind of like Disney parents because you don't cuss and you don't argue and you're constantly saying things like we love you and we support you and we're really uplifting. I know. So I totally didn't see this coming because she said when she went to her friend's house, the parents were bickering and cussing and were really coming down on her buddies and she's never seen that before. So she said that, you know, when it comes time for her to get married and have relationships, we haven't demonstrated constructive conflict resolution. Like, those are my words. Obviously not my 16 year old's words. But she's like, you guys never fight. Like, I don't know what that's gonna look like when I get married. So then my husband and I have kind of been reeling with it. We don't know how to do that productively and not, you know, have the earth move from under our kids feet because they've never seen that before. But I also feel like we haven't prepared them well enough to go to battle on their own for when they're an adult.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So. You're so awesome. You're so awesome. I'd high five you if you're sitting right here. So here's, here's meta number one. Okay. Your 16 year old doesn't get a vote.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The fact that your child can get through high school without their parents ever screaming and cursing at them is a huge win.

[Kelly]

We thought so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here's what she's communicating to you. She found herself in an external situation that scared her and she did not think of it like this. It's like let's, let's say she was a 16 year old boy on a football field and just turned the corner wrong and some linebacker knocked his head off. If he came home and said, hey, you guys never hit me that hard. I was totally unprepared to get hit that hard right that would make no sense. And so psychologically, it's very similar. What you've given your kids is when the world hits them in the mouth, which it will, they have two things that very few of their peers will have. Number one, a sturdy. To quote Dr. Becky Kennedy, a sturdy set of parents that they can be anchored into so that when the world shoves them off a cliff, they don't fall to their death. They. They may bang up against the side of the cliff, but they're still anchored in the second thing they have that is becoming an increasing luxury in this world. One of the highest privileges known to man. And that is an escape hatch. I can always go home. I'm welcome there. And very. And. And here's the thing. It's really cool to look at, like, the. I'm making these names up. I don't know about their childhoods, but the Elon Musks and the Bill Gates and like these, like. Like Steve Jobs, like, they had tough times growing up and what. And they. They made it. That's true. That's fair. But what. That doesn't take into account the millions and millions and millions and millions and millions of people who grew up with really tough times that are in nightmarish.

[Kelly]

Like, situations.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Situations with addiction or struggling with where to find homes or jobless. Okay.

[Kelly]

Like, our kids haven't faced adversity because we've been there for them. But I. What I tell the kids all the time, what I tell our oldest daughter, because she's really great about breaking down and, like, analyzing situations. I'm like, listen, I can't control the world. I can control home.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Kelly]

And. And if something happens out there, you can come back here because, you know, you have firm footing. But I can't protect you forever.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. And so where you have to be careful is not to try to take home everywhere. Just like the school, you're not allowed to hear mean things, and you're not, like, it's good that she sees that's how other people interact, because then she's going to get to decide, I'm not going to marry somebody like that, that curses at me.

[Kelly]

So when I have friends that tell me that they have gotten divorced, or friends, parents that say, oh, you know, we made it look so easy. I think that's one of my biggest fears because my husband and I did overcome a lot, but it was way before the kids showed up, you know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Absolutely.

[Kelly]

They don't see that banter.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well. And I think those conversations when your kid reaches 14, 15 and 16. That's important. That's not, that's not a bad thing. I, I took a 12 hour road trip one way, 12 hour road trip back with just my son over the holidays. It was amazing. But I, he's in high school now. I told him some stories about me he didn't know. And it was this, it was that trip started with us kind of at odds. After a long semester of him just starting high school. My wife says it's like an old bull and like a young, like, like she goes, man, this first semester was so annoying. You two just like bumping into each other all the time. But it started with like my dad's kind of stupid. It ended, man, like pretty rad. Same team. Same team. Because it's like, hey, you're old enough to hear some of these stories. Here's why I do this. Because of this, like, oh my goodness. That I didn't know. I'm like, there's a lot you don't know, right. But every 14, 15, 16 year old, they think they know everything and that's cool. Where I do think there could be some powerful moments is in two shape shifting things. Number one, we're going to show you behind the curtain some. You're 16 now. Every week or every month you're gonna do the budget with us. You're gonna see how much we make and you're gonna get to see how we allocate it and how expensive things are. And so we're not just going to throw you to the wolves so they have to scratch and cloth. Figure it out for yourself because we know 18 year olds do a terrible job of figuring things out on their own. Sometimes they do, but most of the time they don't. What we are going to show you is it sucks out there and here's how we do it. And we're gonna let you figure out how to get your oil changed and we're gonna let you figure out this and we're not going to drive you anymore. You got to go get your license. If she's one of those kids that doesn't like their license and you're going to sterilizer paying for stuff. So it's, we're going to increase the weight on the bar. She's 16, 17, 18. That's important. But it's important when you're in the weight room in high school that they don't let you work out in there without coaches in there.

[Kelly]

Yeah, right. So relationally, how do you think that would, I mean I guess as she starts dating, we haven't crossed that yet, but as they start getting older with relationships working through that also that way, like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, no, that's. This is part two. This is where you have an outsized responsibility. I want you, if at all possible, every week, every other week, I want you to begin to take the 16 year old daughter of yours to breakfast before school. If at all possible, tell your husband you got morning duty here. If at all possible. It may not be possible. It may be, y'all got to go to dinner. But here's what we're doing. We're setting up a context for when the conversation comes. Can I, can I be super crass? Is that okay?

[Kelly]

No, please.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want her. The first time some guy tries to undo her bra to come to you.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want her to have that.

[Kelly]

We've established. I mean, we have the dinners together and open dialogue and honestly, we're doing the questions for humans and she loves that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. Awesome. But I don't want her with your husband. I want her with you.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because there's going to come a moment when you can say, hey, this happened to me that one time. And her eyes will get real big and go, what? Or me and your dad struggled like this. What? Yes. And if you wait for a big announcement, a big moment, a big thing, then it becomes a spectacle that kids can distance themselves from. If it comes from, Every Tuesday we go to breakfast. Every Tuesday we go to breakfast. No, no, no. Every Tuesday we go to breakfast. Hey, mom, this boy tried to kiss me yesterday and I didn't like it. Now you've built this relational equity that these little questions sneak out and they test you and they test you and they're not doing it intentionally, but they're like, is she safe? Is she safe? Is she safe? I know we're safe at the dinner table. I know we're safe with dad, but there's other layers to this. Is this okay? And then you can say, no, no, no. One time in high school, a guy tried to do this, and here's what happened. Or at one time in college, this happened.

[Kelly]

Right. It's just giving them the tools to be safe and. Yes, but productive humans.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Yeah. But they're not, they're not tools. They're. They're, they're relational connectivity. And I think that's where parents struggle. Kids, they need information and they need models and they need systems, but they need relationships way, way more. So I can tell my son, hey, don't do X, don't do. Yeah, it is infinitely more powerful when I say, hey dude, one time I did this and here's what happened and it cost me 10 years of my life. Don't do this. Or when I say no, here's why or here's my rules and expectations and you're going to break my rules and expectations and you can always come home. But I think most parents wait until something bad has happened or to some value is challenged or until a kid leaves the house or they wait until there's some big grand like announcement. And one of my things I teach parents is as often as possible take all the steam out of those things. That was the question for human things make conversations and interactions and connection a part of your life.

[Kelly]

So yeah, and that sounds so basic but it makes so much sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We've over sophisticated ourselves. I think we got a bunch of academics, myself included in a room and we came up with all these theories and models. But the 16 year old's life just keeps going. Their life just keeps going and keeps going. It keeps going and we'll come up with a, with a teaching strategy and a plan. They don't want to know that. They want their eyes to get huge and be like, some guy tried to kiss you mom and you didn't like that. Like, yeah, it was a bad deal. Here's what happened. Or even age appropriate. Yeah, some really scary things happened to me when I was in college. And I'll tell you more about when you're older, but I need you to trust me on this one. You're not going to go out with that boy again. Or I know that boy looks funny like it was. It shocks my daughter that my mom, that her mom dated a guy and married a guy that had five earrings and real long hair. Except for the seasons when I shaved my head and I had, I, I was a. She was like, what my mom. Right. And so it's, it's good for her to know those things and it's good for her to know that I was not a great human being at one time. And like it's good for them to see how we work things out. But man, this idea that you have to hit your kids to toughen them up because the world's going to hit them, that just causes cte. That's dumb.

[Kelly]

That's terrible.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, it doesn't make sense.

[Kelly]

And you know, I like my husband and I are joking. I'm like, you know, you don't want to throw a fake argument. You know what I mean? I don't. We don't want to do that in front of our. We don't do that naturally. So that it sounds so strange. Like, how do we. Would we show? You know, you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What you do is you show. Because what is an argument? An argument is. It's any number of things. It can be old, emotional things, but basically, it's a. It's a strategy to solve a problem. And that problem might be. I want to be heard. The problem might be. I'm mad. I just want you to be mad, too. That problem might be, I don't want to eat here. I want to eat here. Who knows what the argument's about?

[Kelly]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But it's a. It's a strategy to solve a problem. And in your house, y'all solve problems every week by doing a budget together. In Yalls house, you put sex on the calendar. 16 may be too young, but maybe not to be. Like, see that asterisk on the calendar? That's for us. And she'll go, oh, my gosh. Right? Yeah, but that's not a bad thing. And it might be. It wasn't always like that. Or this is date night, and this is when things get grody. Commodity. So y'all gonna want to go to bed. Oh, mom. And she'll go to bed, and she will be. And also her soul will be at peace.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And so it's. It's bringing them behind the curtain to see the planning of those things, because that's how this family. That's how we are modeling how we solve problems. You don't have to go to war every time.

[Kelly]

Right. It doesn't look like war. It just looks like family dynamics. But she's learning what healthy looks like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. That's right.

[Kelly]

Every day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I think. Here's what I would love you to do. Take your daughter out for breakfast and be like, hey, tell me about what scared you in that house. Like, what scared you. And then she can tell you some things, and maybe a story will pop into your. Into your head about you and your husband when y'all first got married or when y'all were dating or when he cheated on you with an old girlfriend when you're first dating and you've never.

[Kelly]

Told anybody that and be like, that's another show, John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's always.

[Kelly]

No, I'm totally kidding. We've come a very long way. We're very happy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I know. I don't know. But there's always. But there's always things, right? But they.

[Kelly]

They.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I think when a kid, what your 16 year old is telling you is, mommy, I was really scared.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I think you and your husband need to high five each other because they got really. She got really scared. And they came to you. And it came in the form of a complaint. It came in the form of a. A 16 year old often doesn't have the. The verbal acumen to say, I went to a house. That they were fighting. I'm so grateful that you two have ch. Like to chosen to handle your situations. And adult. They don't know how to do that. They just come home and they have to blame mom and dad. Y'all didn't prepare me for X, Y.

[Kelly]

And Z. I know I was not ready for that, you know, but look.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Look at it as what it was. It was a 16 year old saying, I was scared. And they came to you. Y'all should high five each other.

[Kelly]

For who? That's a win.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. What you don't want is a kid, your kid to go to another house and they find peace there and they don't want to come home because that friend of hers that she went to visit, she's going to come to Yalls house.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're going to laugh, you're going to be goofy, and hopefully your husband's poking fun at everybody and you're poking fun back, you know, playing questions for humans. And you're laughing. And her nervous system will tick down about 15 heartbeats a minute. And she's going to want to be at your house more than her house. And she won't even know why. And she'll probably make fun of y'all. Your parents are so lame. They don't let you do anything but right.

[Kelly]

Y.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's what I don't want. So for whatever it's worth, you're doing a good job.

[Kelly]

Well, thank you. I appreciate it. I think most days we. We can breathe at night knowing, you know, our kids would rather be home than most places. So that's a little parenting win when they're teens, that they. They like to be home. They, you know, enjoy time with friends. But we're a safe place for them. And that's what my job was, and we've done it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The world will give them plenty of concussions. They don't need them from you. You know this. And I've got a young daughter, so it breaks my heart to say this. The world will tell my daughter all kinds of awful things about her. Yours too.

[Kelly]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. She doesn't need that from me to toughen her up. What she needs is to know no matter who says what or how or when, if I have to, if I. If I. If I need to, that guy will come running for me.

[Kelly]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's it, right? And then she can go do crazy, amazing things. So good job on you guys.

[Kelly]

I hope so. Thank you so much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're amazing. Appreciate you. Thanks for the call. And yeah, I'm gonna leave it at that. You're my hero today, Joey. You and your husband. I don't want to wait. Gosh, I love Dawson's Creek. We'll be right back. Good folks. The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean endless streams of cat videos or AI influencers. I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs. These things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bon Jovi Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all of the time, literally every single day. And I love them. And here's why you'll love them, too. Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. It can help your recovery from aches and pains, transform your skin, and even help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. Like I said, I use every day. You can also check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks. Go to bondcharge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to save 15%. That's B O N C H A R G bondcharge.com DeLoney and Use Coupon Code DeLoney to save 15% foreign let's talk about Train well, an amazing personal trainer and app all in one. Listen, I know it's cold and dreary outside, but our bodies still have to move. If we want to be healthy, we have to exercise. So if you're finally ready to start an exercise program, or if you've been a lifelong lifter like me and you're ready to shake things up, you got to check out TrainWell. I use it. My wife, my co workers and their spouses, everybody's using Train well every single day, and the results have been off the charts. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step by step guidance from real people. Meaning it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both. I get personalized workouts on their app and I communicate with my trainer on a daily basis. And again, the results have been extraordinary. To get started, you just answer a few questions about your fitness journey, hop on a chat with an expert trainer to discuss your goals and make a personalized plan. And then it's time to get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get better. Trainwell takes away our excuses and makes it easy. So if you're ready to start taking control of your health and start exercising, take the quiz to find your perfect [e-mail] Deloney today. And they've extended their special offer for my audience just $69 a month. When you lock in your plan this February, that's almost 50% off their regular monthly rate plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net DeLoney right now, that's trainwell.net DeLoney let's go to San Antonio, Texas, some of the greatest food on planet earth and talk to Jack. What's up, Jack?

[Jack]

Hey, how's it going, Dr. John?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Doing good, brother. What's up with you, man?

[Jack]

So my question for you today is my current girlfriend is best friends with her ex boyfriend.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Nope. No, but like, seriously no. How long have you been dating?

[Jack]

Coming up on four months now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, dude, I keep going. I won't interrupt you, but.

[Jack]

So kind of a little bit of a background. I was in a long term relationship for a while. I went through a pretty bad breakup a little over half a year ago and during that time I met her at work and things kind of kicked off. She's been super sweet, really caring, really considerate, and it's just been really good all the way around.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But except for she's kind of still with her ex boyfriend. Yeah.

[Jack]

She'S very close to him and he probably hangs out with her at least four days out of the week.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what, what, what are you not seeing here, man?

[Jack]

I think, I think for me, because I've brought it up to her and I've talked to her about it, about my concerns and she's like, hey, you know, it is strictly platonic now. He was there for me during some really, really hard times. We both understand each other very well and we're just there as friends that support each other.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so. So let's put her off to the side. What are you doing, man? You know, you know.

[Jack]

I think it's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Jack hard, you know? You know, like. Like you're worth more than this.

[Jack]

Yeah, it's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Jack]

Yeah, it's. It's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You were dating a woman who doesn't hang out with her ex boyfriend four nights a week.

[Jack]

I feel like I just want to see it the way that she's presenting it to me, as if, you know, because maybe it's true that it really is just completely platonic.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. But here's the deal. It doesn't matter. Here's why you get to decide, especially in the beginning of a dating relationship, you are just a few months in, you get this to decide what you're comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with. It doesn't matter if it's a thousand percent plutonic. What you have said is, hey, I have a value. And that is. It makes me uncomfortable when you're with a person that used to be all hot and heavy with for a long time and y'all hang out three or four nights a week, Y'all are always talking. Makes me uncomfortable as your new boyfriend. And she has said, well, I don't really care what you feel or what you think. He gets me and he knows me and we really understand each other. And he was there for me during a hard time. And you get to go, cool. She's allowed to do that. But what you're doing right now is you're taking your discomfort and you're just swallowing. You're just shoving it down and it will return with a vengeance.

[Jack]

Yeah, I feel like I'm good with that. I kind of push a lot of my needs down.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, don't, dude. They will. They're going to erupt. They will come out at real inopportune times. And what often happens is you'll end up snapping. You'll end up yelling or screaming or doing something goofy. Calling her 500 times one night or something, and you're going to look like the crazy one.

[Jack]

Mm, yeah. Yeah. I mean, we've already had a couple different arguments and kind of fights about it, and she's just really stood on the point that he is there to stay in her life. And I just. I can't get over that she's had us try and hang out all together. Go like, I've taken that call before.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I've taken that call before, man. Whoa.

[Jack]

Yeah. But I just. I can't get comfortable with it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I. I don't know. I. I don't know many that could especially at the beginning of a relationship like this. Yeah, that makes sense. Like, I don't have. I, I am on. That's even faded out in the last few years. But for years I was still on speaking terms. Still, like, on. I've got good relationships with most of the people I used to date, but it's when they become your go to person. They become your, your, your main connection. You're never gonna be able to develop anything with her. Yeah, she's plugged into somebody already.

[Jack]

That's what my big concern was.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So here's the deal. It's heartbreaking. You like her, right? Sounds like you like her.

[Jack]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's cool. Fun to hang out with. That's awesome. No relationship is worth absolving your values for. Some relationships are worth questioning your values. Like, do I really believe what I think? And I've changed before because I was really like, I'm gonna believe this. And then I met somebody and they challenged those values, and I was like, I was immature. I was wrong. That's all great and good, but having a value of no. If I'm gonna be your person, I want you to. To. I want us to learn to lean on each other. I want us to learn to grow together. I don't want you to just tell me. Oh, you just have to accept the fact I've already got this other former romantic person. They're already my foundation and my anchor. You and I will just play. I'm not having that. I don't know many people that would have that.

[Jack]

Yeah, she, she does confide in him emotionally about a lot of stuff. And it's not whenever we're hanging out, she doesn't do the same thing with me. And I've kind of brought it up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course she wouldn't. Why would she? She already has somebody. She doesn't have to do the hard work of reconnecting with somebody emotionally. That's a hard thing to do. Which means she's never fully disconnected from this guy. Which means they're not broken up.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I feel like I am ruining your day, dude.

[Jack]

No, no. I, I, I feel like a lot of this stuff's been in the back of my head for quite a while. And it's just I've, I've been trying to be patient. I've been trying to be understanding and seeing things from her perspective because she's, she's talked. We've talked about it quite a bit, and I just, I don't think, I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don'T think this has to be a Blow up. I don't think this has to be a explosion or she gets to do what she wants to do, brother, and so do you. But I do think there's a gentle and a But yet confident. Right. A gentle, yet confident. Hey, I'm gonna go ahead and call this. I really loved being your boyfriend. It's been fun. I just have different expectations for him dating. And I wish you the absolute best. And we still work together. We're gonna be friends.

[Jack]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's the other thing. You're a grown man. You have to do what I say. And I don't want to be in the habit of breaking up couples. Right. And so if you're like, you know what? I got a good arrangement. She holds my hands on the weekend, and she just does all the emotional and psychological and spiritual stuff with him. That's a weird way to build a life pro. But you knock your lights out. But I mean, I think you. You knowing in this call, like, let me just say this. You're not crazy. You're not crazy. Your gut feeling is right. Go with your gut. I'll leave it there. And to be a good brother to me, dude, go get some gyps and queso there in San Antonio, Texas. Some of the best chips and queso on planet Earth. Do that for me today. Thank you so much. We'll be right back. Okay, good. Folks, Lent is just a few weeks away, and if you haven't heard of Lent, it's a practice that goes back centuries. And it's when Christians all over the world get ready for Good Friday and Easter through different kinds of prayer, meditation, and fasting. It's about getting rid of the things or habits in your life that get in the way of knowing God and of living a full, joyful life. So whether you grew up in the Christian tradition and want to experience Lent in a whole new way, or you think all of this sounds crazy and you just want to learn more, check out Hallow's Lent Pray 40 challenge. The Lent Pray 40 challenge walks you through great stories and guided prayers. Last year, more than a million people around the world prayed with Hallow every day during Lent. And this year will be even bigger and better. Plus, right now, you can get three months of Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world, for free when you sign [e-mail] Deloney. And that means your trial will last all through lint. When you join, you can check out over 10,000 of their guided prayers and meditations. So download the app and sign [e-mail] DeLoney to get notified when the Lint Pray 40 challenge begins. That's Hallow H A L L O W.com DeLoney for three months of Hallow absolutely free. All right, we're back. So we had a call coming in. Somebody wrote in to the show and we had to set up and we had a scheduling challenge. But the call is so important that I want to read the the letter, the note that came in and answer it here live because I think this is applicable to all of us. Here's the question. It's from Sydney in San Diego, California. My 16 year old sister has been having sex with her current boyfriend. I'm concerned as the oldest sister as our parents allow her to go over to his house under the guise that their relationship is innocent. She had a previous boyfriend when she was 14 in which I had to get her plan B as they had unprotected sex and her boyfriend couldn't get it for he was too young. I feel caught in the middle as my sis, as she's my baby sister and we've always been relatively close through issues at home. We've always been the only safe space for one another. But her sexual decisions regarding her boyfriends concern me as she has no job, no car and she's too young to be responsible for the consequences of having sex. I debate telling my parents, but I know this would be a huge breach of trust in our relationship. How should I handle this to keep her safe and respect our relationship? I'm 19 years old and when she needs help, she's open. Yeah, she's 19 years old. When it comes to sexual relationships with minors, when it comes to kids, teenagers drinking, trying drugs out, you know, smoking weed. When it comes to adult friendships or relationships, maybe you know your friend is having an affair, maybe you know your friend is struggling with disordered eating or some sort of addiction on their own or any number of things. It can also often feel like the most important thing in that relationship is the phrase I won't tell anyone this trust. And I happen to have been a just I've done this for long enough for 20 plus years where I people got really, really hurt because everyone around them said I won't tell anybody. And it might have been because they were considering hurting themselves and they said you swear you won't tell? Like yeah, I promise I won't tell. Well, I've been having suicidal thoughts and nobody says anything or don't tell anybody, but I've been sleeping with so and so and they're 14, they're a child, they're 16, they're a child. And we feel trapped between. It's not my responsibility to say anything, especially when they're adults. Right. They promise they wouldn't tell that they're cheating on our mutual friend. And so when we have dinner together as a couple is kind of awkward because I know she's sleeping with somebody else but her husband's here too. And I just come to believe that this, this question here, I know this would be a huge breach of trust in our relationship. When you're 19 and your 16 year old sister is putting herself at such catastrophic risk by having unprotected sex as a 14 year old, as a 16 year old, the breach in the relationship is not reaching out as an adult, as a 19 year old to protect that 16 year old from themselves. I'll never blame a 16 year old for being curious about sex and intimacy. I'll never blame a 16 year old about being curious about alcohol. They're 16, they're hormonal and they're curious. Those two things together, that's like gasoline meet match. It's the adults in their lives that are. It's our job to create boundaries and safe context and to have connected relationships. It's not our job to keep secrets under the guise of I, if, if I tell on them, they're not going to tell me anything. You're maybe, maybe. But every one of my friends knows I'll lose that all day long if it keeps you safe. I'll lose that all day long if it keeps my integrity. So there's been relationships I've had in my life where I've said, hey, you got 48 hours and I'm going to make this phone call for you. I've had friends say, when I've told friends, hey, before today is over, you and me are going or you're going to a psychiatric hospital. I drive you, I'll take you. Or I'm gonna call 91 1, they're gonna come pick you up, but you're gonna go. How do you want this to go? I'll call your dad, I'll call your mom. I've told a police officer and another, a sergeant that who wanted to wait 12 hours before they communicated to a dad that his son had passed away. I said, you tell your supervisor to call me. I'm calling him right now. So he's not going to wait 12 more hours to find out that his child has passed away. And I called the dad and I told him and so I, I, I guess what I want you to hear me say as we started this new year, number one, secrets will kill you. Secrets will kill you. Secrets will kill you. Relationships, secrets will kill your friends. Let 2025 be the year that you don't hold secrets anymore. Be free. Be free. Be free in your house. Be free in your own heart. Be free in your own, in your own chest. Be free with your friendships and connectivity. Number two, often the most trusting, loving thing you can do in a brother, sister relationship and a mother, father relationship, in a sibling relationship, in a best friend relationship, is to call out things where you see your friends getting hurt. When you see them doing destructive things, especially in kids, you have no option with kids. You have to ring the alarm with kids. And I understand, hey, if you have a friend who's cheating on her husband, fine, I'm not going to call a husband. But I'm not hanging out with you anymore. I'm a step away. I'm a step away because what you're asking me to do is to not be honest with my partner. You're asking me not to be honest with my friend, your husband. And that's a breach of friendship, right? That's actually a breach of trust. And so broadly speaking, I have a reputation with my friends and with people who call in and I work with people all over the country behind closed doors as being a vault. My wife doesn't know who I talk to. I, I just keep it quiet, just, it's just silence. But everyone that I talk to also knows now if there's a reason to make a phone call, Dylan's gonna make a phone call and it's not because I'm better, it's because I've been on the other side when I didn't and I can't get those back. So to Sydney in San Diego, California, as a 19 year old, a big sister of a 16 year old, God bless you for being in her life and for being a safe place for her to call. This is when you go get involved directly. Yes, you need to include your parents. Unless your parents are absent, they're abusive, they're struggling with their own addictions. And then you need to get a minister involved, a pastor involved, a school counselor involved. You need to get some people involved because she's your 16 year old sister is a child, she's a kid, doesn't need to be having unprotected sex at 16 years old after having unprotected sex with a 14 year old. It's a kid. That's really struggling and reaching out and trying to grab hold of something that resembles connection. And she needs you to bring other adults, probably trained adults, into the situation asap. If you're an adult, if you're a grownup like me, if you're really old, like kind of the geriatric population like Kelly or others, the responsibility is the same. If you have kids in your life, you have a mandate. You will get involved. If it's abuse, if it's sexual relationships, if it's alcohol consumption, if it's drugs, all that, you will get involved. They're kids. If it's your friends, let this be the year we're not keeping secrets anymore. Breach of trust is often silence. A breach of trust is often silent. Not gossip, but silence. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags and friendships and romantic relationships. You can red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors, but to me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting relationship. What's really important are your values and your potential partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values. But when you grow up in challenging environments or given how we are bombarded with everyone else's values all day, every day, it can be tough to even know what are my values? What is important to me and in a relationship, how will I show up and honor myself and love my partner? Let's forget all of those flags and instead ask the question, how can I learn to know what I even value? Therapy can help you figure out what you value, learn what you're looking for in relationships, and then help you decide your boundaries and your non negotiables. If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule. To get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra money. So whether you're dating, married, building a friendship, or just working on yourself, give it a shot with better help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. H E lp.com DeLoney all right, we're back. Kelly. All right, something cool happened. What is it?

[Joey]

All right, this is from Amy and she says, hey, Dr. John, Kelly and the team.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did you add Kelly and the team?

[Joey]

Nope. Written right here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, I'll show you. No, I trust you.

[Joey]

I'm so appreciate appreciative of your show and wanted to share something cool that happened in my life. I'm currently a mom of two under 18 months, and about six months ago, I was feeling very lonely. All of my good friends are still in graduate school and on a different path and different part of life that I'm in. Because of your show, I decided to reach out for to two girls that I knew in high school that I haven't talked to in seven years and ask if they wanted to pick to meet up at a park because I needed mom friends. Now we try to meet up at least twice a month with all seven kids that are under the age of four to hang out, talk, and watch the kids play.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Joey]

Thank you for helping me do the right thing and make a vulnerable step to gain new friends.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's it. That's it. It's the hardest, easiest thing you can ever do. The hardest, easiest thing you can ever do. Last night we had dinner with a couple friend and my wife was like, hey, we're playing matchmaker this year for John. He's getting friends. And so. Yeah, I know. Not that kind of matchmaker.

[Joey]

I was like, wow, she's finally done.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm calling it. I'm calling into my own show next week, but, like, we're. You're gonna get friends. And so she's like, I have a couple of guys I think John would hang out with. What do y'all think? And they were matching. I was in front of him, I was like, what are we doing here, guys? Like, I'm a grown man. And my wife's like, yeah, you're. You're not doing a great job. So, yeah, good for you. Listen, 20, 25, pick up the phone, make the call, shoot the text message, and if they can't come, that stinks. But let's go find somebody else that can. I promise you, I promise you this woman, if they keep meeting like that, all three moms, all seven kids, everybody's gonna benefit from that. Their extended families, everybody's going to benefit from that sense of community and connection. So great. So awesome. And two kids, 18 months and not younger. Ah, yikes. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye.