I Just Found Out My Late Husband Cheated On Me

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John DeLoney Show – "I Just Found Out My Late Husband Cheated On Me"

Release Date: June 27, 2025

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Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, hosted by the Ramsey Network, Dr. John DeLoney delves deep into complex relationship and mental health issues through heartfelt conversations with callers. The episode, titled "I Just Found Out My Late Husband Cheated On Me," addresses themes of grief, betrayal, recovery, and the challenges of navigating relationships post-trauma.

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Caller 1: Sarah from Lincoln Park, Michigan

Timestamp: [00:05 - 14:39]

Background: Sarah begins by sharing her devastating experience of losing her husband seven months ago. Shortly after his passing, she discovers that he had been unfaithful two years prior.

Key Discussion Points:

1. Discovery of Betrayal:

   • Sarah [00:05]: “I lost my husband seven months ago. And after he passed away, I found out he cheated on me two years ago.”
   • Dr. John explores the emotional turmoil Sarah faces upon uncovering the affair posthumously, emphasizing the compounded grief of losing a loved one and the sting of betrayal.

2. Impact on Grieving Process:

   • Dr. John [01:47]: "That's a lot of grief all at the same time... It's not supposed to be like that."
   • He likens Sarah's experience to being overwhelmed by multiple waves of grief simultaneously, highlighting the unique pain of dealing with both loss and betrayal.

3. Marriage Dynamics:

   • Sarah [03:05]: “I think I knew... because why else would you hide your phone?”
   • The conversation delves into the red flags Sarah noticed during her marriage, such as her husband's secretive behavior with his phone, which hinted at underlying issues.

4. Strength and Resilience:

   • Dr. John commends Sarah’s strength, particularly her role as a protector and caregiver during her husband’s battle with colon cancer.
   • Dr. John [07:00]: "You are the definition of ride or die... you're very, very strong."

5. Navigating Forward:

   • Sarah grapples with trust issues and uncertainty about her future after the revelations.
   • Dr. John encourages her to choose her narrative, suggesting she honor both the good and bad memories to facilitate healing.
   • Dr. John [11:20]: “The only thing you do is honor it. Find a couple of your girlfriends... and be totally honest.”

6. Practical Considerations:

   • They discuss practical aspects such as maintaining the family home and financial stability, which Sarah is fortunate to have secured.

7. Final Thoughts:

   • Dr. John emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries and avoiding harmful coping mechanisms.
   • He reassures Sarah of her strength and offers ongoing support, encouraging her to continue grieving authentically.
   • Dr. John [14:39]: “Let’s just be sad for a bit and in our grief, let's create some boundaries.”

Conclusion: Sarah's call encapsulates the complexities of grieving a lost spouse while simultaneously processing the betrayal of infidelity. Dr. John DeLoney provides compassionate guidance, helping her navigate her emotions and encouraging her to build a path toward healing.

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Caller 2: Todd from Jackson, Mississippi

Timestamp: [19:23 - 52:49]

Background: Todd reaches out to discuss the strains in his marriage stemming from his pornography use, his journey to sobriety, and the challenges of starting a new relationship while co-parenting.

Key Discussion Points:

1. Struggles with Pornography:

   • Todd [19:34]: “Over the past year, my wife has found things on my phone that she's not a big fan of.”
   • He reveals that his wife discovered his pornography use on three separate occasions, leading to tension and distrust.

2. Sobriety and Personal Growth:

   • Todd [20:58]: “I'm 135 days sober, thanks to her.”
   • Todd credits his wife for supporting his sobriety journey, highlighting the positive changes he’s made, such as improved patience and emotional control.

3. Impact on Relationship:

   • Dr. John addresses the deeper issues behind Todd's pornography use, exploring themes of self-worth, desire, and the dynamics of intimacy in their marriage.
   • Dr. John [24:20]: “Porn is a symptom. Dude, porn works. You don't like yourself...”

4. Navigating New Relationships:

   • Todd expresses fear and uncertainty about dating post-divorce, especially concerning perceptions of his co-parenting arrangement.
   • Todd [39:35]: “I recently started dating. It scares the hell out of me. I feel lost...”

5. Co-Parenting Challenges:

   • He discusses a recent family vacation to Las Vegas, where his ex-wife accompanied him to ensure the well-being of their children. This arrangement raised concerns from a potential new partner about his ability to move on.
   • Dr. John advises clarity and honesty in communicating his current relationship dynamics to potential partners.
   • Dr. John [50:25]: “Your wife may have just... if you still have feelings for her, put that on the table.”

6. Emotional Honesty and Boundaries:

   • The conversation emphasizes the importance of addressing unresolved feelings with his ex-wife to prevent confusion in new relationships.
   • Dr. John encourages Todd to differentiate between proving himself and genuinely moving forward.

7. Growth and Moving Forward:

   • Dr. John reinforces Todd’s progress, urging him to continue building self-awareness and setting healthy boundaries.
   • Dr. John [52:24]: “That helps if I really like spending time with her, and it's gonna be a minefield.”

Conclusion: Todd's candid discussion highlights the intricate balance between personal growth, co-parenting, and the pursuit of new relationships. Dr. John DeLoney provides insightful strategies to help Todd navigate his fears, set appropriate boundaries, and foster healthy relationships moving forward.

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Caller 3: Aaron from Traverse City, Michigan

Timestamp: [55:19 - 57:07]

Background: Aaron seeks advice on whether he is the problem in his marriage, as his wife tends to complain during their phone conversations, making him hesitant to reach out.

Key Discussion Points:

1. Communication Struggles:

   • Aaron [55:19]: “My wife stays at home with our children and loves when I call her during my workday. However, generally when I do, she will complain about the kids or me.”
   • Aaron feels burdened by negative conversations, leading him to avoid calling his wife.

2. Dr. John's Analysis:

   • He differentiates between meaningful connections and negative "trash-dumping" conversations.
   • Emphasizes the importance of positive interactions and avoiding toxic communication patterns.
   • Dr. John [56:47]: “If you call somebody and just to be a trash dump... nobody wants to engage in that.”

3. Support Systems:

   • Dr. John suggests the importance of having external support systems to prevent over-reliance on partners for emotional venting.
   • He visualizes the relationship as two people dumping "garbage" on each other, creating a cycle of negativity.

4. Breaking the Cycle:

   • The solution lies in seeking external support, such as friends or personal hobbies, to alleviate the pressure on the marital relationship.
   • Encourages couples to engage in activities that foster positive interactions rather than serve as outlets for complaints.

Conclusion: Aaron's inquiry sheds light on the detrimental effects of negative communication patterns within a marriage. Dr. John DeLoney offers practical advice on fostering healthier interactions and the importance of establishing external support networks to enhance marital satisfaction.

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Closing Remarks

Throughout the episode, Dr. John DeLoney consistently provides empathetic and actionable advice, assisting callers in navigating their emotional landscapes and relationship challenges. By addressing issues such as betrayal, addiction, co-parenting, and communication, the episode offers a comprehensive exploration of the multifaceted nature of human relationships and mental health.

Listeners gain valuable insights into managing grief, rebuilding trust, setting boundaries, and fostering healthier interactions, all underscored by Dr. John's compassionate and pragmatic approach.

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Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John [01:47]: "That's a lot of grief all at the same time... It's not supposed to be like that."
• Sarah [03:05]: “I think I knew... because why else would you hide your phone?”
• Dr. John [07:00]: "You are the definition of ride or die... you're very, very strong."
• Dr. John [11:20]: “The only thing you do is honor it. Find a couple of your girlfriends... and be totally honest.”
• Dr. John [24:20]: “Porn is a symptom. Dude, porn works. You don't like yourself...”
• Dr. John [50:25]: “Your wife may have just... if you still have feelings for her, put that on the table.”
• Dr. John [56:47]: “If you call somebody and just to be a trash dump... nobody wants to engage in that.”

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This episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show serves as a beacon for individuals grappling with complex emotional and relational challenges, offering both solace and practical strategies for healing and growth.

Transcript

[Sarah]

I lost my husband seven months ago. And after he passed away, I found out he cheated on me two years ago.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, no. How'd you find out about the affair?

[Sarah]

I went through his phone. It kind of shocked me still, even though deep down inside I kind of figured, because why else would you hide your phone?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What up? What's going on? This is John with a Dr. Joe DeLoney show. Man, I've been out on the road, and I'm so happy to be back here with you in the studio. It hasn't affected any. Any of you listeners because the shows we filmed a whole bunch ahead of time, but, man, I am happy to be back here in the chair in the studio, taking your calls from all over the planet. Let's go out to Lincoln Park, Michigan, and talk to Sarah with an H. What's up, Sarah?

[Sarah]

Hi, Dr. John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How are you?

[Sarah]

I'm good. How are you? Thank you for taking my call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. Thanks for calling. What's going on in your world?

[Sarah]

Nothing. So here's a little bit of backstory.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Nothing but. But actually something. Yep.

[Sarah]

I'm struggling a little bit. I lost my husband seven months ago, and after he passed away, I found out he cheated on me two years ago.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, no.

[Sarah]

And that discovery shattered me all over again. And now I'm left grieving not just his loss, but the truth that I thought we had. And so how do I heal from the betrayal that comes after death when the person who hurt me is gone and the pain is tangled up with grief?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, my goodness. I'm sorry. That's a lot of grief all at the same time. A lot of different kinds of grief hitting you at the same time. For sure, they talk about grave grief is a. Is a tidal wave, but you're getting. You're drowning and you got set on fire at the same time. It's not supposed to be like that.

[Sarah]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How'd you find out about the affair?

[Sarah]

I went through his phone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh.

[Sarah]

The phone that I didn't have access to before.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so this is tough because normally if you. If you and I were just sitting down, having nachos, I would. We would talk through a lot of different avenues. But because we have a condensed time, I'm just going to jump in there. Is that okay?

[Sarah]

That's fine.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Tell me about your marriage before you passed away.

[Sarah]

I mean, when it was good, it was good, but I think I. There was a lot of red flags way before getting married. The phone was always an issue. It was always like. I never had access to that phone. It was always kind of hidden. So deep down inside, I think I knew.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, that's. That's what I was getting. Getting at. Yeah, you think you knew?

[Sarah]

Yeah, But I always kind of ignored it just because I didn't want to cause problems. And we have three kids. I didn't want them to see arguing or bickering back and forth. I just. I don't. It kind of shocked me still, even though deep down inside, I kind of figured. Because why else would you hide your phone?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. Especially with somebody you made a life with. You made kids with all that stuff.

[Sarah]

Right, right, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man. So that's even another layer of grief. So you're grieving the loss of your husband. How long were y' all married?

[Sarah]

15 years. Together for 22.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are you?

[Sarah]

43.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So this has been somebody who's been with you more than half your life.

[Sarah]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So let's sit on that first. Hold on. I want to sit on that one for just one second. Like half your life.

[Sarah]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And even when the structure was wobbly, you still leaned on him for half your life, right?

[Sarah]

Always.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So there's a reality to that, that even though we found some stuff out about him, he also provided some structure in my life for a long time, even if it wasn't great structure. And in retrospect, I wish it had been a different structure. It was what it was, and we leaned that for 20 years. So we're gonna just exhale on that for a second, and then we're going to grieve the fact that we kind of knew and we didn't trust oursel for 20 years.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's a grief in the mirror.

[Sarah]

Right, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then we're going to grieve the fact that this. I won't use a bunch of expletives because he's your deceased husband, but this guy then cheated on me. Are you kidding me? After I sat with him. How did he pass away?

[Sarah]

He had cancer.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So I sat with him through cancer, held his hand as he left, and then I find that out.

[Sarah]

Right, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I throw another grief in there? Now there's the grief that you're feeling about. I don't even know how to walk forward because I don't trust myself. I don't trust the person I spent half my life with. I thought I was protecting my kids, and actually, I wasn't like all of that. Now you just don't even know what step to take. Is that fair?

[Sarah]

Fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me you something you did right as he was slowly. His health was failing.

[Sarah]

Well, I took care of him. No questions asked.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about that.

[Sarah]

Anything he needed. I catered to his every need. And I just feel like. Did he do this because I was lacking something?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Nope. I don't want. I don't want him in the picture right now. I just want to talk to you. I'm trying to get. Get in a real quick time frame. I'm trying to get. What kind of person are you?

[Sarah]

I have no idea anymore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now you do. Keep telling me when you say I catered to his every need, give me a couple of details of what that meant. Some people have never sat with somebody dying of cancer. What does that mean?

[Sarah]

I. Honestly, anything. I put myself on the back burner and took care of everybody.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Sarah]

I don't even know who I am anymore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I've got a glimpse. You're a protector. We could debate whether you did it the right way or, quote, unquote, the wrong way, but you're a. A mama who did whatever she had to do, including stuffing every feeling she had down to her toes in an effort to keep her family together and protect her kids, even though she had an inkling that something wasn't right. You're a saint because you walked with somebody dying of cancer. What kind of cancer did he have?

[Sarah]

Colon.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so that meant you were dealing with colostia Bat. You were wiping your husband. You were doing all kinds of things. Right?

[Sarah]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And if someone's never sat with somebody in colon cancer, it's a. It's a disease that takes your dignity, too. And you waited right through that.

[Sarah]

Till the very end.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that also tells me you're strong. It was scary to pick up that phone, wasn't it? Because you didn't know what you were going to find.

[Sarah]

Oh, God. You have no idea.

[Todd]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so in just a few short minutes, I've learned that you're very, very strong. I've learned that you're a protector. I've learned that you are the definition of ride or die, even when your husband was not. And that tells me you're somebody I'm glad is in my community, in my town, in my state, in my country.

[Todd]

Thank you.

[Sarah]

No one's ever said that to me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's a. It's a high honor getting to talk to you.

[Sarah]

Thanks.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the scariest proposition for you is are you going to let what you found in that phone change who you are? Because we find out who we are when the chips are down. Right?

[Sarah]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you found out what you're made of. You're stronger than you thought humanly possible. So the question is, because you were with somebody, and let's don't throw out the baby with the bath water. He probably had some great traits, right?

[Sarah]

He did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which is what makes this all so hard and confusing. Right?

[Sarah]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get to pick the narrative moving forward about how you remember him. And you get to pick what happens next in your life. Here's what that means. You can choose to say he was a complete and utter sob bastard, that I wasted 20 years of my life with a scumbag. You can. That can be your story. And there would be some truth to that. That can be the story you tell their. His kids, your kids. That could be the story you tell your community, your family. That can be true. The story you can choose to ruminate on and memorialize is, I spent 20 years with a guy who both took care of me and that dude had a bunch of demons. Because here's the thing. Neither of those stories will impact his actions or behaviors. It will only impact how you sleep and walk through the world. So you get to decide how you remember him. And by the way, that story will unfold in multiple ways over the next month. Years. You're not even a year out. Right. The fog is just now starting to. To lift. Right?

[Sarah]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like on the reality of money, the reality of safety, the reality of are we going to keep the home? All that stuff is just becoming really clear. And it's scary because even though he was a cheating jerk, he also was consistent. Right?

[Sarah]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's always there. This isn't always helpful. And everybody gets to decide what story they want to tell about whatever situation. But what I have found in my personal life is when I keep ugly, negative stories circling about the past, they don't do anything to change the person I'm making the story about. But it makes it harder for me to get up and walk through my day. And it doesn't let somebody who's not in your life anymore off the hook. It just frees you. And nothing can take away the hurt you feel right this second. Trying to run from it or hide from it or numb it. I. I mean, it will resurface somewhere in your life. You'll be angry. You'll snap at one of your kids. Right? You'll. You'll feel it coming out all over the place. So the only thing you do is honor it. Find a couple of your girlfriends that thought he was just the greatest guy in the world and tell him, have that honest conversation and be totally honest. Tell the ugly stuff and also tell the good stuff because it's all true. Then let me ask you this. What's your next move? Do you. Do you need to leave your home? Are you going to get to keep the house? Did you have life insurance? What's your plan?

[Sarah]

No, we get. We. We stayed. We get to keep the house. So that's where we're staying. Like me and the kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. Are you going to have to go get a job?

[Sarah]

I still have my job. So we don't. And then we get to. He had a pension and stuff like that, so that's all. That stuff is an issue. Thank God.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So you get the privilege, the earned privilege. Just being sad for a while.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I guess what I would tell you as your. As your new friend is trying to make sense of things that are not sensible only make you crazy.

[Sarah]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But let me, like, make sure you hear this one more time in just a few minutes. I've heard that you are strong beyond words. I've heard that you are a fierce protector, even to the point that you'll sacrifice yourself and how you feel and what you know to be true for those three knuckleheaded kids. And you are as ride or die. As ride or die is because you held the man's hand as he slowly withered away. Can you hear. Can you hear that? Hold that?

[Sarah]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Because that's true also. And maybe you're going to come up against some times when you want to be reflective about, I don't know, maybe I was mean to him. Maybe I always yelled to him. Maybe I didn't sleep with him enough, or maybe I was always complaining. Maybe those things will emerge. But that's not for today. Seven months ago, and you had a new trauma two months ago or one month ago. Let's be sad for a bit and in our grief, let's create some boundaries. I'm not going to go drinking. I'm not going to go down rabbit holes. I'm not going to Google everything. I'm not going to. Let's create some boundaries so that we can stay safe while we're grieving. I'm not going to vomit all over our kids. I am going to get some women in my life to just sit down and talk with it with. But I think you quote, unquote, move on. I don't know that you move on. I think you just continue to do the next right thing and grieve honestly with all of it. Here's my promise. Sarah. You call me anytime and I'll put you back on the show. This is. You're in a long season now, a long season of wondering if every ailment you have is cancer, wondering if your kids are going to be okay. One, like all that stuff is coming. But I think for today, I think for today, let's just be sad. Thank you so, so much for the call. My sister. We come back. A man wants to make things right with his wife after he didn't tell the truth about his pornography use. Be right back. All right, let's talk about Delete Me. Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel more like digital trails leading bad guys right to us wherever we happen to be. And now scammers are using phishing attacks with a ph where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you. You get an email, a text or a phone call, and the person or the AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's trying to help you out. With the new technological advancements, no one is really safe. What is any of us to do? First, we're going to start controlling what we can control. We're going to learn about how to be careful online and offline. And we're going to sign up with Delete Me. I use and recommend Deleteme because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. That way I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having my data. They've reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop the phishing attacks, stop the harassment, and stop the other online threats before they even start. And take control of your digital privacy. With Delete me, go to joindeleteme.com DeLoney today for 20% off the annual plan that comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's joindeleteme.com DeLoney it's DeLoney and I want to talk about Organifi. I talk to people every day who are stressed out, anxious, not sleeping well, no friends in sight, and just generally mad at everything. And most of us are trying to fix all of our distress with comfort food or caffeine or scented candles or all of it at the same time. Can we all just agree probably this isn't working? That's where Organifi comes in. Organifi's superfood products are made to help you feel better. More energy, less stress, better sleep. And they do all this by giving your body what it needs without all the garbage and artificial nonsense. Case in point, I love my happy drops. They're little gummies made with all natural ingredients that have a positive effect on mood and emotional well being. They're loaded with saffron, which helps your brain use your natural serotonin, one of your happy chemicals. In fact, there are clinical studies showing that people who take saffron have improved social relationships and other studies showing saffron can actually help lift your mood. Organifi also has green juice and red juice blends that you just mix with water and then you're ready to rock and roll. And hey, I could talk about ingredients and clinical studies and all that, but here's the best endorsement I can give. I use organifi every single day. My son uses organifi every day. I travel with it. I take it at home. And you should give organifi a try too. Go to Organifi.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to save 20% off your entire order. That's 20 off everything with code [e-mail] DeLoney all right, let's go to Jackson, Mississippi and talk to dot backwards. What's up, Todd?

[D]

Hey, John, how's it going? I'm a huge fan of the show. It's a great honor to talk to you and fellow metalhead, Shout out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You, you. Well, appreciate it, dude. It's good to talk to you, man. What's up?

[D]

Hey, so, yeah, I hear a lot of lives calling in about, you know, their husbands with this issue. So I'm calling to tell myself because I do, I do love my wife and my family and I do anything for them. So a little background. Over the past past year, my wife has kind of found things on my phone that she's not a big fan of.

[Todd]

3.

[D]

On three, three separate occasions, to be specific. First one, she's kind of said, hey, you know, we have, we're all about to have our third kid. And what did she find? Just pornography. It's not. No, I've never paid for it. It's never been onlyfans. I've never, never been unfaithful, but just, you know, a little background. My wife has been pregnant for three consecutive years and our intimacy has gone down, of course, and I don't blame her or resent her for that, but I just have to sometimes take things elsewhere. And she. Second and third time she's found it, has not been a big fan of it. And this last third time she said you know, you need to get this under wraps, or it's gonna. Gonna be some issues. And the last time she found it, I tried to say, oh, well, that's. That's old. And, you know, she called me out on it, claiming that it wasn't, and she knew that it wasn't. And my wife is a very, very bright, very wise woman. She calls me out on my vices. I'm 135 days sober, thanks to her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Congratulations.

[D]

And. And this is another thing that I want to tackle and I need to tackle, and I know I need to, but I can't seem to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This one's harder. What was your advice before?

[D]

Alcohol.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. This one's harder than alcohol.

[D]

I've heard that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because. Because, I mean, just. Just when it comes with availability. Like, you can't just waltz into work in most workplaces with a 30 pack, right?

[D]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you can waltz into work with your phone.

[D]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And you don't just, like, hop in to your bathroom in the evening after everybody's asleep with a 30 pack? You can. And people do. Right. But it's easier just to pull out your phone.

[D]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So going from alcohol, which I'm real proud of you, dude. Congratulations on that. And going to this challenge. Beneath those. Where did the story come from that you don't like yourself? That what. What you want or need is not a story that's allowed to be told?

[D]

I'm not. I'm not sure I'll follow you on that. Dr. John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Who did you have to sing and dance for growing up?

[D]

Oh, yeah, My. My mom. We talk about that a lot, me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you haven't talked about it. Tell me about it.

[D]

I guess I was just always afraid to tell the truth to my mom, in fear of getting in trouble.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what did in trouble mean?

[D]

Just groundings and things of that nature. No. No physical beatings or anything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So she didn't hit you, but she weaponized her love. If you do this, you can't be in my presence.

[D]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Get out. If you do this, you can't see any of your friends. You can't see any of your family members. You can't do anything fun. You can't do anything with me.

[D]

So my mom is a problem?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, you're the problem.

[D]

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm just saying, if you're a little kid and you know, there is a line that I can cross with my actions and behavior, that my mom will send me away, then you learn very quickly to sing and dance.

[D]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And Any want you have, any idea or feeling you have, you learn very quickly how to shut it off. And when you get older, you can't shut it off. And alcohol is awesome.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah, that was it. For a decade, I struggled with that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And. And yes, pornography is about getting off, but it's different too. There's another layer to it. It's. It's that sense of I'm in a relationship with myself and I'm in a relationship with my partner where there's no life here, and I can pull out my phone and take a quick exit ramp and my heart rate gets up and I see something crazy. I get to pseudo experience something crazy without any of the responsibilities of engaging with somebody else.

[D]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I guess. I guess what I would call you on is. Yeah, having three kids in three years, that's gonna. It's gonna mess up frequency. It's gonna mess up. I don't say exotic, but like, whatever. Weird, fun, playful, exciting, whatever things you want to call it. And I don't mean weird. And I go, that's weird. But like, we're like an awesome. Yes. It's harder to do that when somebody's. When your wife's pregnant.

[D]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's not an excuse to not come down to the table and say, hey, we're entering into a new season. What does feeling alive look like in this new season? And you just saying, well, I have to just go do X, Y and Z is just simply not true. It's a choice you make. It's an easy out. Is that fair?

[D]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that makes total sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So tell me what you want in your life that would allow you to look in the mirror and feel like, I like that guy.

[D]

I'd like to be porn free.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, porn is a symptom. Dude, porn works. You don't hear what I'm saying. You don't like Todd. Why?

[D]

Yeah, why? I think it really boils down to my lack of self control over some things.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But what does a lack of self control get you? Because I don't believe that. Because you don't look at porn at work in front of your boss, and you don't look at porn at church, and you don't look at porn when you're at your mom's house so you can control it in the right environment.

[D]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so when you're by yourself or when you are in quote unquote, your house, or when you are stuck in a marriage or a relationship where there's no life left in it, what would you like to be true.

[D]

Well, what I would like to be true is not feasible right now. And that's a more intimate relationship with my, with my wife.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But what does that mean? That's a very like, docile way. You want to have sex a lot more.

[D]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What kind? Just boring, married, sexual.

[D]

I don't even have a problem. I don't have a problem with that. My wife has told me many times before when she has engaged with me while she's pregnant, it's not going to be hot. I'm don't care about any of those things.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You're not a bad person for having survived seven minute survival sex.

[D]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're not. It's not hot and it's not. I'm sure there's some weird dark web movies about it, but it's, it's. There's not the kind you make movies about. It's the kind you just laugh and stumble through. Right.

[D]

Which we've done many times.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so underneath that, what's the thing?

[D]

I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I take a guess?

[D]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It'd be really awesome if she initiated if you felt desired.

[D]

Oh yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That getting off maybe even secondary to I want you.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. That's all of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it sounds like your wife is down. If you're like, hey dude, I need. I like, you got seven minutes. And she's like, yeah, let me, let me get the spit up off my shirt and I'm in.

[D]

Yeah, it's. That happens rarely, but you know, she's very uncomfortable a lot of times. We're getting into the final weeks of it, but it's been, it's been brewing for years. So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[D]

She almost never. Almost never initiates.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, in fair. And also, does she have space to initiate?

[D]

No, she's. She's empty at the end of the day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So where can you lean in?

[D]

Do you mean by, by parenting or.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean by this. Think of sex as a series of breaks and gas pedals. Where in the house, in your marriage environment, in the world can you participate to make yourself desirable?

[D]

I feel like I've been doing nothing. Nothing. But, but that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[D]

If I can give you a little bit of background information on that letter. I used to know when our two youngest were a lot younger, I used to get frustrated about having to get up in the middle of the night because I take the night shift so my wife can sleep. She's a stay at home mom. She's there all day. I come home, I the night shift off of her. I used to get upset about having to get up in the middle of the night. And, you know, ever since I've tackled this alcohol thing, I've been very more present in my family life. My patience is a lot better. My control over my anger is a lot better. My control over my emotions is a lot better. Things like parenting and watching the girls ride their bike seem much less mundane than they used to. And I feel like I'm trying and trying and trying to be more present in my family and calmer, more patient. I feel like I'm trying to do all of those things all the time now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I get that 100%. But the layer I want you to actually explore is you're still that. All of the way you just explained that is yet another performance. It's just a different stage. And, man, if we were just sitting here chilling, I bet in a few minutes you would tell me that you're just freaking tired of singing and dancing. Dude, watching your kids ride their bike, it might be fun for some people. I don't love it. I love hearing my kids laugh. I love being silly. But there's other stuff I'd rather be doing a lot of the time, and that doesn't make me a bad dad. That doesn't make me not a guy who doesn't love his kids and not present with his kids. But you're on another stage trying to become, again something that you're not. Do you hear what I'm saying?

[D]

Yeah, a little bit.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's the. Here's how you get underneath that stage. You're trying to do all these things that you think she wants, and you're doing all these things that you listen to the right podcast and they tell you all, dad should be doing all of that. Avoid sitting at a table with your wife saying, how can I love you right now?

[D]

I've actually practiced that a couple of times.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How did it go?

[D]

I would. I mean, I wouldn't say. Well, a lot of times she'll get over, I'll come in from work, and she'll be absolutely overwhelmed with the kids. And the first thing I'll say is, you know, how can I. How can I help you right now? How can I, you know, what can I do to help you? And she'll just be so overwhelmed that she can't even get what she needs out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so let's have the conversation. We're not in an overwhelmed state. If you listen to my show for more than a week, you've probably heard me tell somebody to go to breakfast on a Saturday morning.

[D]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And right this second, by the way, when she's about to have baby, number three is. Not everyone's overwhelmed all the time, especially her.

[D]

Yeah, she is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But when. Yeah. When you bust in from the office and she's got one kid, she's about to have another kid, there's a kid setting something on fire, and you're like, all right, you tell me what to do. There's I. I get that sense of, will you just look around, do something right?

[D]

I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know you do.

[D]

I'm not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm not. I'm not hating on you. But there's something really powerful and freeing. And if you go to aa, you learned this of saying, I walk into this situation and I want to do the next right thing, and I don't know what to do. And when I ask you, I understand that that's frustrating. And then I get a lot of shame that I don't even know how to make my wife feel less overwhelmed when she's holding two kids, about to give birth to a third. I feel powerless.

[D]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or here's the other word. I feel unuseful. I feel undesirable. And then I want to check in with you. And the only way I know to feel desirable is you to say, I want to have sex with you. And I'm not going to do that to you. I want to be a good dad. I want to be a good partner. So I'm not going to do that. I'm going to work all day, and I'm going to stay up all night, which is equally as unsustainable for you as it is for her. And then I'm just going to go jerk off in the bathroom because it's just easier for everybody. And then here comes your mother's voice again. How dare you, xyz. See what I'm saying? The whole loop starts over again.

[D]

Yeah, it sounds pretty. That's pretty accurate.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And until you get underneath the shame part of this, which is I don't know how to make my house feel peaceful.

[D]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you have to have a partner who will say, I'm not going to condemn you for not having a skill set. I will teach you. I'll walk with you. And you have to be a modern male and not be like. You can't disrespect. Thank God. Tell me. Just tell me, please. To be real, real direct, my wife gave me a list of questions to not ask when she was having our second kid in the hospital. That was the greatest gift, because in my Trying to love her and help, I make everything more tense. And if she won't give you that, then you don't. You. You have deeper challenges in your marriage.

[D]

Okay, because I was gonna say we have. We. A lot of times on Saturday mornings, we will have, like, let's say my mom watched the kids the night before. We will have. Be able to have coffee at our table and just, you know, talk. And even in situations like that, I've asked the question of, how can I make your life easier? What can I. What can I do to help? And it's hard for her to give it to me, and I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why ask a different question? Because what you're doing when you do that is you're making the. The. The chaos of the house yet even more her responsibility. Now she's got to take care of you, too.

[D]

So I'm just supposed to know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, it's a different question. Will you teach me.

[D]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How to do the dishes? Will you teach me the best way I can do X, Y, and Z with a diaper? And now what you're doing is saying, I don't need you to solve yet another problem for you. For me. I need you to share your expertise. I can get on with it. You see what a huge shift that is?

[D]

I do. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But that's you being humble. That's not you saying, all right, solve my problem, too. It is, teach me a few skills so that I can begin to feel a little more in my skin. And, dude, I. I guess when it comes to pornography, you get to decide, man. Hope that helps, man. There's layers to it. There's layers to it, my brother. And I think you're on the right path. And I think you're a good guy. I really do. I think you're a good guy. I think you're trying to solve this with more tasks and more actions. I want you to get to the deeper layer, which is, my God, I feel helpless in my own house. Let's deal with that one. We come back, man wonders if his ex wife is keeping him from moving on. All right, it's time to talk about Helix. Summer is here. Sun's up earlier, school's out, so the kids are going bananas. And if you're like me, your daily routine has exploded. And when that happens, what's the first thing that tanks? Sleep. So I'm going to be real with you. When I'm not sleeping well, I'm short with my wife, I'm grumpy with my kids, and at work, Everything feels harder than it should. Sleep isn't just about closing your eyes and resting. It's about being able to show up the next day as the kind of person you want to be for yourself and for those who need you to show up for them. That's why I sleep on a Helix mattress. Before Helix, I tried all kinds of mattresses. They were too soft or too stiff, had memory foam that felt like quicksand. Whatever it is, you name it. But Helix matched me with the perfect mattress based on how I sleep and based on who I sleep next to. Yes, they've even got mattress options for couples who need different feels on the same bed. It's incredible. So get online and take the Helix sleep quiz just like I did. It takes less than two minutes and they'll match you with the perfect mattress that's just right for you. Plus, right now, my audience gets exclusive savings on the Helix 4th of July sale. 27% off site wide. Go to helixsleep.com DeLoney and get 27% off. That's Helix. H E L I X helixsleep.com DeLoney with Helix better sleep starts right now. We're back. Hey, take two seconds please, and hit the subscribe button and the thumbs up button. Just real quick. Wherever you're listening to this, just hit the subscribe button. For all the algorithm, whatever reasons, it just changes everything for all of us. You include it. So please take two seconds to do that real quick. And now we're going to roll out to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. We were born and raised. The playground is where Henry spent most of his days. What's up, Henry?

[Todd]

Hey, how are you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, brother. What's up with you?

[Todd]

I'm great, I'm doing well. Thanks. Thanks for letting me chat with you here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You got it, man. What's up?

[Todd]

Yeah, you kind of summed up the a bit, I guess the question but backstory a little. Got divorced or separated at the beginning of the January of 2020 right before.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right, man.

[Todd]

And it was, it was due to my alcoholism. That was, that was the cause of it. I, I've been sober for over two years now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, dude.

[Todd]

Thank you. It's been great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, hey, don't, don't blow up by that. That's a huge deal. Congratulations, man.

[Todd]

Thank you, thank you. I appreciate that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's amazing.

[Todd]

So. So we have three boys, three fantastic knuckle headed boys.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome.

[Todd]

And we co parent very well. We spend most holidays together, boys birthdays together. And it's, you know, we've made things work and have made them the priority. And that's been first and foremost there. But I've recently started dating. It scares the hell out of me. I feel lost trying to do that. But recently when I was talking to someone that I'd been on a date with, she thought my relationship that I had there was a bit, maybe a bit strange or tough for someone to get over that I still have with my boy's mom. And she said it. We had just taken a trip to Las Vegas. We hadn't had many vacations in the past, but for spring break, I got everybody plane tickets, booked room shows, and I got my. My ex, you know, ticket as well, her own room. And we all went. You know, we went together. And she. She just kind of mentioned that it would be tough for her, I guess, but she could be. And thought others that she thought it might be a bit too much and maybe. Seems like I haven't quite moved on. And so that's the question. Am I holding myself back? Shoot myself in the foot there, trying to find a new relationship already kind of with my. With my hands tied a bit.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Man, I got tons of thoughts on this one. The first one is whoever this person you went on one date with is, get their voice out of your head. She doesn't get a vote.

[Todd]

Right. Okay. And that's the deal.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like you swiped. You swiped right and matched like she doesn't get a vote into how you've reconstructed your life out of ash. But clearly that sparked something in you.

[Todd]

And. And yeah, I guess it. And maybe I just pondered on it too much or. And I've gotten. Since I've been. I've been sober and just reevaluating everything and. And what I wanted to get. Sometimes I've doubted myself, I guess. And my. You know what? I think what I think I'm doing is right. That isn't. Or not necessarily right. Just reading social. Social cues, possibly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Todd]

Just, you know, you're learning.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're learning to trust yourself again. That's awesome.

[Todd]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So let me ask you this. The. The. The elephant in the room question.

[Todd]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If your ex wife called you tonight and said, hey, I want to talk in the morning. Can you go to breakfast with me? And she said, hey, I've just seen how you've changed and I still love you, would you want to give this another shot? What would you say?

[Todd]

It would. It would take some. A lot of counseling. It would be a conversation.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. What would you say?

[Todd]

But I could say, yeah, we could. We could talk. Yeah. But there would be. There's. There's fences all over there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know, I know. Is that a possibility? Is there a possibility that you have become the man that she so desperately wanted you to be for all those years?

[Todd]

Yeah. Yes. And. And maybe that's. That's a lot of it, because I feel like that. That I'm trying to be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And listen, listen, listen, listen, man. Can I tell you something that people who get sober don't always understand fully for a while?

[Todd]

Yeah, bro.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Bro. We're all trying, all of us. That firm footing, like, the. That feeling of like, I'm nailing this, that's elusive for all of us. And I've got my own demons. I don't struggle with alcohol. But, dude, I don't. Most of the days, I don't wake up. In fact, it's the rare day that I exhale at night when my kids are asleep and I think out loud, I did today. Well.

[Todd]

And I understand that very well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I mean? And most guys, especially. I know moms do it, too, but I'm talking to you. A dad. Most dads just focus on all the things they screwed up. I shouldn't have yelled. I shouldn't have been on my phone. I wish I'd got home a little bit earlier. I shouldn't have worked so much. But it's un. It's dishonest to not also say, I nailed this one. Today was a good day.

[Todd]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I was present today, and it felt good.

[Todd]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So to. Here's the thing. Anybody you d. Let's say if you've come up with a parenting arrangement and a co parenting arrangement and you've got a friendship with your ex that is harmonious, and you're. You both are each other's cheerleaders because you will always be bound together because you made three humans together. If you create that and it works for y' all, then whoever you date will have to understand that they're going to always have to come behind those kids, especially while those kids are still minors and still on the payroll.

[Todd]

Definitely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Period. And so if you date somebody and they start dragging you, well, you always are just talking about your kids. And what about me? They're not your person.

[Todd]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Somebody who's like, I would love to be number one in your life, but I love you enough, and I think you're fun and exciting and hilarious at all. Whatever the things. You are stable or whatever. And I know eyes wide open what I'm getting into because you have already built a life with somebody, then awesome.

[Todd]

And I, and I get that too. I, I mean, I would, I would hope I would be the exact same way, you know?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. The bigger question for me is I don't, man, are you done? And you, you named all like, you named all of the obstacles? Of course. Every relationship has obstacles. All of them. By the way, if you meet somebody new and you'll start dating and it gets kind of serious, you're going to have to go to counseling. Y' all are going to have to figure out how to navigate this. You and your ex, who's your friend will have to navigate this. You and your kids, your kids still have a fantasy that one day mom and dad are going to get back together. And the day you propose to this new person, the day you walk down the aisle with another person, if you choose to get married again, that will be a whole new conversation for your kids. And so I guess the idea is if you still have feelings for your ex wife and you're seeing the world clear eyed now that you're sober and she is seeing, there's that guy. I'm not saying get back together. I'm saying don't avoid that elephant in the room. Have that conversation like friends and grown ups.

[Todd]

All right? Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you still have feelings for her, it you have a choice, you can continue to play like you don't, but you kind of do. Meaning I just made us, I just booked us a family vacation. By the way, did you ever book a family vacation before y' all got divorced?

[Todd]

Not like that. There's always a family reunion here or there. It was never like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or your wife set it all up.

[Todd]

Yeah, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did you ever just come out and pay for everything?

[Todd]

When? Before? Yeah. I mean, but yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so you did do that.

[Todd]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So here's I'm getting at. Your wife may have just, I mean your ex may have been like, oh my gosh, there he is, this guy just playing us a family vacation. And so if you still have feelings for her, but you know y' all aren't getting back together, put that on the table. Hey, I brought us out here to Vegas. I basically booked a family trip, man. I still have feelings for you. It's too weird for me. We are the best co parents in the world and we're doing this better than anybody else. I can't do vacations anymore romantically. It's hard for me. Or if you know, she still has feelings for you, at some point you gotta put that on the table.

[Todd]

All right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if y' all have that solved, man. Knock your lights out. And the person you date is going to have to know what they're dating into, especially if you tell the truth.

[Todd]

Cool.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What are you going to do, man? You got me all cliffhangered.

[Todd]

I, I'm still. I. I can't. I don't know if, if I'd want to bring that back up, if I'd want to go back down that road again. I can't. I feel like I've gotten to this level of peace with myself and where I am, that going back and opening up old wounds and things like that. I just don't know if it'd be worth the.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why did you book a vacation, invite your ex wife and pay for her to get her own room to come with you guys to go to shows together, to go do things together. Why'd you do that?

[Todd]

The number one reason for it is my boys love their mom. I want to make sure that they, you know, that they understand, too, that how important she is in their life and that if we're all out and she's back home by herself, I just wanted to make sure she was included. And, and, and because it was always something that I felt like I should have done before, and now that I can, I wanted to still let her have the option, you know? And she didn't have to go. I asked her, you wanted. You want to come? I'll get your room. She said, sure, yeah, let's. Let's do it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I'm smiling. I'm smiling real big. Do you hear what you're saying?

[Todd]

Maybe I'm that clueless. I'm not sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, I'm hearing you say I'm becoming the guy that.

[Todd]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I always wanted to be for her.

[Todd]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so now I'm going to do things so I can show her I'm that guy now. And yes, of course, your kids want to be included, but your kids are kind of the excuse.

[Todd]

Okay. Haven't thought of it that way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did you have fun hanging out with her in Vegas?

[Todd]

Yeah. Yeah, we did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did y' all laugh?

[Todd]

We did. We had a great time. Mm.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did you hold hands?

[Todd]

No. No, we didn't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You just said that all sad. Did you want to?

[Todd]

No, I, not, not really.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Todd]

Not really.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did you sneak into her room?

[Todd]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good.

[Todd]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just kidding. I don't.

[Todd]

I, I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So here's the thing. I, I want you to get and, and let me back all the way out, because, man, the YouTube comments are going to be ugly to me on this one. I want you to back all the way out. And here's why I'm pushing on you. I want you to be certain about your particular heart towards this woman. And if you don't want to get back together with her, but you want to still prove something to her or prove something to yourself, then don't use her to do that.

[Todd]

All right? That helps.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't. If you want to prove something to yourself about the kind of guy you think you are now that you weren't back then, don't use your kids to do that, man, because it can be confusing for them.

[Todd]

Wow. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That helps if I really like spending time with her, and it's gonna be a minefield.

[Todd]

Yeah. And I'm not sure that I do there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's great. Great, great. And I just want you to become clear so that when some swipe right says, I don't think, then you can be like, whoa, chill. There's no romantic feelings here. She will always be in my life because we made three amazing kids together, and she's a close friend of mine. And if that's too much for you, great. I understand that that's a lot. And as the great philosopher once said, bye, Felicia.

[Todd]

There you go. That works.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that fair?

[Todd]

It is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're the man.

[Todd]

I appreciated that, helped a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're the man. Hey, let me know how it goes. And, dude, I'm such a sucker romantic. And that's what makes me not good at this job because I get so, like, blinded by it. But if you do ask her on a date, please call me and let me know. I'll just be wondering. Cool.

[Todd]

No. All right, will do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thanks for the call, my brother. Appreciate you a lot, dude. Appreciate you. All right, coming up, I'm gonna answer one of your am I the problem questions. It's cozy earth time. Let's talk about cozy earth. But first, let's talk about beating the heat. I grew up in Texas, so I know a lot about heat. And these summers in Tennessee are no joke either. I'm already starting to double up on my cold tub sessions because it's hot, hot, hot. But the real game changers in my life have been cozy earth sheets and their joggers. The sheets are made from viscose from bamboo. And I'm not super certain what that means, but I know they're incredibly comfortable and. And they're now my secret weapon against the scorching hot days and the muggy nights. I have to have it cool at night when I sleep, and these cozy earth sheets are a game changer. Cozy earth sheets are breathable and moisture wicking and they keep you cool all night. And these joggers I was talking about, they're tough and they're lightweight and silky soft. Perfect for wrestling outside with the kids in the yard or working out or just heading out for a low key night with when the temperatures drop just a little bit. And listen, you never overheat with them. Since switching to cozy earth, my sleep quality has shot up and I wake up refreshed and I think I look kind of rad in these joggers. So if you're ready to beat the heat and look good when you're out on the town or just wrestling with the kids, go to cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get 40% off. That's cozyearth.com DeLONEY code DeLoney. Listen, stay cool, everybody. All right, we're back. Kelly Hall. I want them to get to back together. That last call.

[E]

I kind of do too. He needs to let us know the tea.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I have no stake in this, but I'm such a sucker romantic. I want him to get together. All right, so just for everybody listening, this is Kelly 2.0, a much younger version of the other Kelly. The other Kelly, though, is standing, sitting behind her, watching as she's producing today's show. Congratulations. This is the, this is the big kid chair.

[E]

Thank you. It's an honor. Can you feel the sincerity?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I just, I felt all of the sincerity. Why am I surrounded by like, just sarcastic, mean women? All right, go ahead.

[E]

All right, so today's am I the problem? Question comes from Aaron in Traverse City, Michigan.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He writes a A Ron or a.

[E]

R I N A A Ron.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[E]

My wife stays at home with our children and loves when I call her during my workday. However, generally when I do, she will complain about the kids or me. I find myself finding reasons not to call her. Am I the problem?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no. If you call somebody and just to be a trash dump, then yeah, it's not weird that you don't want to just go get garbage dumped on you. And so if your wife likes talking to you during the day or if your husband likes talking to you during the. Just to hear from you, just like a touchstone, like, okay, we're still together. I like hearing your voice. You have a funny joke. Awesome. If I just want to call you in the middle of the day so you can know how crappy my life is right now and, and I hope you're having fun at work, then yeah, nobody wants to nobody wants to engage in that. And so I think the bigger challenge is I love talking to you, and here's the nature of our conversations, and that's the harder conversation. But no, I. I would want to call anybody, much less my wife, just to hear how bad I am. Right. I wouldn't want to call my boss if every time I don't like calling Kelly, because every time. I'm just kidding, she doesn't. But, like, I don't want to call somebody and just hear how terrible I am. Like, that doesn't make me excited for that call. And if you're excited to talk to me just so you can tell me how crappy I am, I don't like that. That just doesn't, I don't know, feel right. What do you think? You're a newlywed. What do you think?

[E]

I am not a mom yet. So I would just. My question is, is she getting the support that she needs while at home? And is this their only, like, connection time? Like, does. Is she set up for success with connecting with friends, or does she. Does she have that support system around her so she doesn't feel like that's her only, like, outlet in her break during the day?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. And I hear this a lot, actually. When I am working with business owners, I hear this a lot from their spouses. My partner comes home often. Husbands come home and all they do is just vomit about how work suck and this happened and this. This guy at work's awful and whatever, and you start to see, like, his wife start to shy away when husband gets home. Because I just don't want to hear about it all. And I just overly gendered it. It works it both ways. People come home for work and they just vomit on each other, as you just pointed out, because they have no one else to talk to. They have no other friends. They don't have someone to call when they get home. They don't just go straight to the gym or go journal or whatever weird thing you want to do that's helpful. And so couples just end up walking home. I just picture it like I walk in the door and I dump my trash can on you, and then you dump your trash can on me. And then we just sit in each other's garbage. And at some point, like, I don't want that anymore. I want to do something else. And I think it's breaking that cycle. And usually that cycle is broken with external support, which a good call. Man, look at you already producing the crap out of the show. Kelly. 2.0. Kelly05. You should be terrified. It's a new Kelly in town. Old Kelly just pulled out a source. Whoa. She's making her own tattoos. Whoa. Love you guys. Bye.