I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show – "I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her"

Release Date: January 13, 2025

Overview

In this compelling episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, host Dr. John DeLoney delves deep into the complexities of relationships and mental health challenges through real-life caller interactions. The episode, titled "I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her," addresses profound issues such as marital strain, personal trauma, self-identity, and the quest for emotional stability. Dr. DeLoney offers insightful advice, drawing from his extensive experience to guide listeners toward healthier relationships and improved mental well-being.

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1. Tyler’s Struggles in Marriage

Caller: Tyler from Des Moines, Iowa
Timestamp of Key Quote: [00:05] – [05:14]

Key Points:

• Marital Strain: Tyler expresses deep discomfort and a declining emotional connection with his wife of 18 years. He shares, "I'm not comfortable in a room with her... I hate that about myself" ([00:05]).

• Underlying Issues: Through the conversation, it's revealed that Tyler feels emotionally abused by his wife, who insults and belittles him. He recounts a traumatic incident where his wife sexually assaulted him during their college years, leaving him feeling betrayed and unsupported by their faith-based community ([05:14]).

• Counseling Challenges: Tyler and his wife underwent marriage counseling, but the advice he received was detrimental, emphasizing submissiveness and accommodating his wife's needs without addressing his own well-being ([06:58]).

Dr. DeLoney’s Insights:

• Defining Friendship in Marriage: Dr. DeLoney emphasizes that a successful marriage should be built on friendship, where both partners can share the good and bad without fear of judgment ([04:30]).

• Personal Accountability and Healing: He urges Tyler to seek individual therapy to address his trauma and to redefine his personal boundaries and needs ([10:23]).

• Setting Clear Boundaries: Dr. DeLoney advises Tyler to establish what he requires for emotional and physical safety, suggesting that reestablishing his sense of self is crucial before attempting to mend the marital relationship ([14:40]).

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John DeLoney: "Why don't you like her? Why aren't y'all friends?" ([02:21])
• Tyler: "She's not nice to me. She calls me names. She is full of insults..." ([03:32])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "What must be true for the life I want to build." ([14:46])

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2. Alan’s Journey of Weight Loss and Self-Discovery

Caller: Alan from Memphis, Tennessee
Timestamp of Key Quote: [20:42] – [33:56]

Key Points:

• Significant Weight Loss: Alan shares his success in losing 100 pounds over two and a half years, attributing his transformation to sustainability and addressing the root causes of his weight gain, including family history and personal struggles with obesity ([20:53]).

• Identity Crisis: Despite his physical transformation, Alan grapples with self-identity, often not recognizing himself in the mirror and feeling like he doesn't know who he truly is ([21:35]).

• Emotional Eating: Alan identifies emotional eating as a coping mechanism for sadness, anger, and depression, which affected his relationships and self-esteem ([27:18]).

Dr. DeLoney’s Insights:

• Embracing the New Self: Dr. DeLoney celebrates Alan’s achievements and encourages him to build confidence by engaging in activities that reinforce his new identity, such as maintaining a woodworking hobby and participating in physical exercise ([28:34]).

• Navigating Relationship Changes: He advises Alan to evaluate and possibly sever ties with toxic relationships that depended on his former self-image, while strengthening connections with those who support his transformation ([28:40]).

• Setting Practical Goals: Dr. DeLoney suggests actionable steps for Alan to continue his growth, including setting up adventures, maintaining a gratitude practice, and fostering new, healthy routines ([30:15]).

Notable Quotes:

• Alan: "I just don't recognize myself." ([21:35])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "Who do you want to go be?" ([26:49])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "You're not telling me the whole story... You have to listen to what these experiences taught you." ([28:34])

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3. Charmaine’s Battle with Job Loss and Expecting a Child

Caller: Charmaine from Omaha, Nebraska
Timestamp of Key Quote: [36:43] – [43:57]

Key Points:

• Job Instability: Charmaine discusses losing her job for the second time within a year after relocating to Omaha for better opportunities and affordability. Her most recent job loss occurred during her wife’s pregnancy, heightening her anxiety about fulfilling her role as a provider ([36:48]).

• ADHD Challenges: She reveals struggles with ADHD, including difficulties focusing at work despite receiving a diagnosis and attempting to manage her symptoms with minimal success ([41:39]).

• Balancing Family and Career: The dual pressure of expecting a child and facing job instability has left Charmaine feeling like a failure both as a husband and a prospective father ([39:11]).

Dr. DeLoney’s Insights:

• Grieving and Moving Forward: Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the importance of grieving the job loss but also encourages Charmaine to take proactive steps toward rebuilding her career ([40:02]).

• Self-Improvement Strategies: He recommends practical actions such as engaging in physical activities, starting small projects, seeking new job opportunities, and reconnecting with his wife through quality time without distractions ([42:48]).

• Building Confidence: Dr. DeLoney advises Charmaine to regain his confidence by setting achievable goals and maintaining consistency in his efforts, reinforcing the belief in his own capabilities ([43:33]).

Notable Quotes:

• Charmaine: "I feel like I'm failing as a husband and I'm not even a father yet." ([39:05])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "Losing a job... has a similar impact to losing a loved one." ([39:13])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "What must be true for the life I want to build." ([40:22])

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4. Celebrating Resilient Relationships: Sharon and Owen Cisparo

Guests: Sharon and Owen Cisparo, retired Marines
Timestamp of Key Quote: [50:10] – [53:10]

Key Points:

• Anniversary Celebration: The couple celebrates their 10-year wedding anniversary by dedicating each night of the week to going on dates and using the "Questions for Humans" intimacy deck provided by Dr. DeLoney ([50:10]).

• Enhanced Relationship: Through intentional planning and communication exercises, Sharon and Owen report significant growth and renewed vigor in their relationship, highlighting the effectiveness of Dr. DeLoney’s tools ([50:19]).

• Military Background: Their disciplined and structured approach, influenced by their military backgrounds, showcases how commitment and intentionality can strengthen marital bonds ([50:24]).

Dr. DeLoney’s Insights:

• Intentional Relationship Building: He praises their efforts, emphasizing the importance of being intentional in nurturing relationships through regular and meaningful interactions ([51:40]).

• Community and Support: Dr. DeLoney acknowledges the couple’s commitment and encourages listeners to adopt similar practices to foster stronger, more resilient relationships ([53:10]).

Notable Quotes:

• Sharon and Owen: "It was incredible. We learned so much about each other..." ([50:27])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "Way to go guys. That's rad." ([51:40])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "Happy Thanksgiving. ... I wish you guys the absolute best." ([52:31])

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Conclusion

In this episode, Dr. John DeLoney masterfully navigates complex personal issues brought forth by his callers, providing empathetic and practical advice. From addressing deep-seated marital issues and personal trauma to celebrating transformative journeys and resilient relationships, the episode offers a comprehensive exploration of the human experience in relationships and mental health. Dr. DeLoney’s guidance emphasizes self-awareness, personal growth, and the importance of supportive relationships, making this episode a valuable resource for anyone grappling with similar challenges.

Key Takeaways:

• Self-Reflection and Honesty: Essential for identifying and addressing personal and relational issues.
• Seeking Professional Help: Individual therapy can be crucial in healing and setting healthy boundaries.
• Intentional Relationship Practices: Regular, meaningful interactions can significantly strengthen relationships.
• Embracing Change: Personal transformations require confidence and the willingness to let go of toxic relationships while fostering supportive ones.

Notable Quotes Highlighted:

• Tyler: "I hate that about myself." ([00:05])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "Why don't you like her? Why aren't y'all friends?" ([02:21])
• Alan: "I don't know who I am." ([21:35])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "Who do you want to go be?" ([26:49])
• Charmaine: "I feel like I'm failing as a husband and I'm not even a father yet." ([39:05])
• Dr. John DeLoney: "Losing a job... has a similar impact to losing a loved one." ([39:13])
• Sharon and Owen: "It was incredible. We learned so much about each other..." ([50:27])

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This episode serves as a testament to the human spirit's resilience and the transformative power of seeking help, being honest with oneself, and maintaining supportive relationships. Dr. John DeLoney continues to provide a safe space for listeners to explore their deepest challenges and find pathways to healing and stronger connections.

Transcript

[Tyler]

I'm not comfortable in a room with her, especially alone in big groups. It's not such a big deal. But my knee jerk reflex, even if there's like, oh, I could tell my wife's been in this room. I'm just like, ugh. My wife's been here. Like, it's. And I hate that about myself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why don't you like her? Why aren't y'all friends? What's going on? What's going on? This is John with a Dr. John DeLoney show, talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, kids and your spouse. Whatever you got going on, I'm here to sit with you and figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show. It's real people going through real hard stuff. Go to john deloney.com that's-l o n y john deloney.com. ask a S K or give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 and you can leave a message. And Kelly may holler back girl at you, even though she ain't no hollow back girl. And I want everyone to know, right before the show started, we were all talking and I said, and I quote, this particular woman who walked through is over like 2/4 of the company. To which Kelly felt it really important to say, actually can reduce that fraction. It's 1/2 of the company.

[Kelly]

I didn't say it quite that way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But overall, that's how I heard it in my mind.

[Kelly]

I just said, you mean 1/2.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know that friend that just corrects.

[Kelly]

Oh, that friend. That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, every friend has a math nerd friend that, like, that's you.

[Kelly]

Actually, I'm not a math nerd. Overall, numbers are not my thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're 4, 8. A math nerd. You're 816 of math nerd. And the other 8 16s.

[Kelly]

Yes. Go ahead.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's go to Des Moines. Let's go to Des Moines, Iowa and talk to Tyler. What's up, Tyler?

[Tyler]

So my question is, my wife and I, we've been married for 18 years. We've got four amazing kiddos, and I. I love her very much. I. I want to take good care of her and want the best for her. But in the past seven years, I've really lost that loving feeling to the point where I don't really enjoy spending time with her. I'm not comfortable in a room with her, especially alone in big groups. It's not such a big deal, but. And it's Gotten kind of to the point where kind of my knee jerk reflex. Even if there's like, oh, I could tell my wife's been in this room. I'm just like, ugh, my wife's been here and I hate that about myself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why don't you like. My question is, why don't you like her? It's not the love and feeling. You don't like her, why don't you like her? Why aren't y'all friends?

[Tyler]

I'm, I, I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You just gotta be honest. You gotta be honest. You're already in it now. You gotta be honest. Why aren't you friends?

[Tyler]

Yeah, I don't like the way she treats me. I don't like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about that.

[Tyler]

She's gotten a lot better.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on, stop. Stop hedging. Stop hedging. Just tell me the truth.

[Tyler]

She's not nice to me. She calls me names. She is full of insults, and I think it betrays how she really feels about me. So just in the course of conversation a couple years ago, I was like, hey, I'm self employed. I think it's time to hire somebody. I think, I think I need to hire somebody. And she's just, she, her response isn't, oh, is the business growing? No, it's. You're so lazy. This work beneath you, you just can't do it yourself. I'm like, no, no, I think this is, you know, but it just, it just cuts me really deeply that that's how she sees me. And if I were really, if I, if I really felt like I was a lazy person, I'd be like, oh, that's a fair assessment. But I just feel like my wife should be able to tell me that in a way that's loving and encouraging and not scathing like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The thing that is, the defining characteristics of marriages that make it are, at the end of the day, they're friends. And what I would tell you is right now. And I'm just gonna. Can I just have your permission just to be pretty blunt? Is that cool?

[Tyler]

I mean, if you must.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Your wife's, like, not a good friend. How long has this been going on?

[Tyler]

Oh, we, we have, we have a long history. There's, I mean, there's, there's a, there's a good deal of trauma in there too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does that mean?

[Tyler]

So we, so we met in college through the college Christian group. I was pretty immature and uncertain about my theology. We were trying to stay like, you know, when we became romantically involved.

[Charmaine]

We.

[Tyler]

Were trying to stay pure before marriage and all that. And she literally, for starters, we kind of divulged our sexual history too soon. And then I felt like I couldn't break up with her because then it would seem like it was because I was upset about her sexual past or whatever. And then it was like she was auditioning to be my wife. It was like she couldn't keep her hands off me. This came up in, like a marriage counseling thing that I. My jaw hit the floor when she said this. Several years ago, she said she. She had sexually assaulted me in. In one of our dorm rooms. I remember. And this is. This is. I don't know. This makes I feel crazy. I remember being really, really mad at her after the fact. And I remember thinking, like, no one is going to believe me, okay? And I was. I remember. This is the wild thing. I remember being so mad at her, but not remembering what I was mad about. And I went to one of the leaders in the Christian group and he said that I needed to forgive her. And that means that I should act like it didn't happen.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, that guy. Hold on. Stop. That guy sucks.

[Tyler]

Yes, I understand that now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That guy's. So for people listening who aren't don't have a faith background, what we're talking about here is somebody who established sexual intimacy boundaries and the other party, I don't care which gender is which, crash through them. And it's common to not remember details right away. It's common to have overwhelming sensations of emotions, whether it's rage or anger. Sometimes it's laughter, sometimes it's intense love, which is the fight, flight or fawn. I mean, it. It. Your body responds how it responds. How it responds. But then you went and sat with a mentor and said, hey, this just happened. And they said, well, shake it off, dude. And I'm sorry that happened to you.

[Tyler]

Yeah, I. Another. Another instance happened later, and I do remember that one. And. But in the aftermath of that, I remember, like, I was so, so just furious and I couldn't eat or sleep for, like, I don't know, several days.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Was it. Were you mad at her or were you mad that you'd had this. You didn't want to. You didn't want to have sex with anybody till you got married. Were you mad that you thought God was going to strike you with a lightning bolt? Like, what were you. What. What was the rage that you said, stop and she didn't.

[Tyler]

Yes, that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right.

[Tyler]

I felt like I couldn't. I couldn't. I mean, obviously I could have overpowered her and gotten out of that situation. But like, like, where would that have gotten me? You know, Like. But I told myself, hey, this will be great if we get married. It means that she's super into me and we're going to have all this wheels off sex, right as. As I heard it said. But then, so moving ahead, we eventually get married and she became a completely different person soon as we got mar. Just fits of rage, she would just fly off the handle at nothing at all. And I'm like, hey, what's really bothering you? You put the pot in the wrong sink. What's the matter with, like, how could you? Like, And I'm like, that's not really the issue. Like, yes, it is. You're an idiot. And it just. Okay. Like, so, like. And that went on for about three years. And we went through three different marriage counselors who all kind of shrugged and said they didn't know what to do. The third marriage counselor said, let me see her one on one for a while. And that started to help our church was not helpful. They were. Basically, the thrust of it was if my. The husband is the head of the household, the wife is the weaker vessel. And if my wife is having a hard time, it's my burden to shoulder and I need to figure this out and make her happy. So I had to just do what? Like, kind of just let her have whatever she wanted. You want me to. You want to live in this kind of house? Like, whatever she wanted was what we. Was what I had to. I had to do and accommodate God.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You've gotten the worst faith integrated life advice ever.

[Tyler]

Yeah, yeah, I would. I would say so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Golly, dude, I'm sorry, man. I hate it for you. I hate it. So do me a favor. Bring me to right now.

[Tyler]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So hold on. Let me, let me, let me hop in here. You have a woman since that you, since you were dating, has a complete and total disregard for the person in front of her, which happens to be you. And when you've sought help every step along the way, people have said, either trained, licensed professionals have said, I don't know, man, or they've given you horrific wisdom.

[Tyler]

Well, not all of them are licensed, but. Yeah, which.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which I wasn't going to go there. I was trying to give people the benefit of the doubt. But often Christian counselors are the worst. They're the worst. The reality is, where do you find yourself right now? Because as painful as this is for me to say, having my own history of having to go through some hard, hard Stuff. We're here right now, and the only thing we can change is what happens next.

[Tyler]

I. I'm try. I tried to have breakfast, do the breakfast thing. There's this mental health podcast I'm addicted to.

[Charmaine]

Yes.

[Tyler]

Which is another call. I hope that hopefully I can quit that. But keeps.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's what's one good addiction to always keep. Always keep that one.

[Tyler]

So I was like, hey, I've been listening to this show. He's got some good ideas, and what if we sit down and have breakfast and really iron out? And she couldn't hear anything I said after that. She just started crying. She's like, oh, my gosh, you want to divorce me? It just became this thing. And I was like, maybe. I don't know. Did I need to? Maybe I should have softened my startup or. I didn't think that was aggressive. Look, it seems like you're off the rails right now. Maybe we can try to have this conversation later. But, yeah, I would. I would love to be married to someone that I could, you know, talk about, hey, let's go get breakfast and not have her just blow up at me. That would be nice.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're with somebody. That does not sound psychologically stable, Tyler. If she is, she's a powerfully manipulative, emotionally painful person to be in the room with. The benefit of the doubt is she's struggling with some pretty deep, significant issues that she needs some clinical help with.

[Tyler]

She'll probably always be unstable, but she's matured a lot in 18 years, and she's made changes, and she doesn't fly off the handle as often and doesn't call me names, you know, nearly as often.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can you be her friend?

[Tyler]

I think so. We've.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She won't even go to breakfast with you, Tyler.

[Tyler]

We did go to breakfast. We kept the conversation superficial.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's not friendship. That's job interview friendship is not. Not getting bit. That's avoidance. Friendship is, can I tell you all the good stuff, the amazing stuff, Can I tell you the bad stuff? And can I tell you the really dark stuff? Can you see all of me and still say, I love you? I'm in. You can't even hire an employee of your own business without being called less than, without some sort of character attack.

[Tyler]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't doubt. She's worked really hard. That's amazing. What. What I hear you telling me is it was so bad that this is better than. I'll accept that. I trust you on that.

[Tyler]

Yeah. So. So how do we move forward? I want to. I Want to get out of that past. I want. I want to own it and change my future.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. I think you have to ask yourself, what do I actually want? And then you have to be clear about what that's going to look like. If you scream at me again, if you belittle me again, if you hit me again, if you take our money and buy stuff that we haven't agreed on. Again. If you are otherwise a person who lacks fidelity and integrity in this relationship, then you are opting out of being married to me. And you, Tyler, have to make peace. If you have forgiven somebody, replaying it over and over and over and over is a choice to drag the past into the present. Yeah, and that's not fair, either. If she's somebody who's working hard and working hard and working hard, and every time she starts to get ahead, you bring up the pass and hit her over the side of the head with it.

[Tyler]

I don't want to be that person. But also, I just get really twitchy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, you got to deal with your trauma, and you haven't dealt with it yet. It will find a way out. It's probably your body working. Exactly. It was designed to. To keep you safe. Keep you safe. And you still have a snapping turtle in your living room that's bitten you and bitten you and bitten you and bitten you emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, physically, sexually. And you're still trying to figure out, how do I? Like, hey, how do I. There's not a thing you can say, not a thing you can do. You've said everything you need to say, and you've done everything you need to do. The next move is you looking in the mirror with a professional, professional licensed counselor that you trust, saying, okay, how do I begin to solve for peace and safety in my life? What must be true for the life I want to build? And you start solving for that question. And when you have some security there, you invite your wife in and say, okay, here's what this is going to look like. We're not going for. She only hurts me or hits me or violates me or flies off the handle every once in a while. No, now we're looking for none of that. What must be true for me to be safe in my own house. And I know if it's happening to you, it's happening to the kids, too. What must be true for you to get off your phone for hours and hours and hours and hours at a time. What must be true for us to become friends. We've never been friends. All Right, let's talk about Cozy Earth. Over the last few weeks, my sleep has been chaos. It's all been screwed up. And I've been spending more time on screens than I like. I was traveling for the holidays all over the place. Listen, here's the deal. Starting the year off right means starting with good sleep. And that means creating a space that actually helps you rest. For me and my family. That's where Cozy Earth comes in. Their bedding is soft, breathable, and it keeps my entire family cool and comfortable all day night. It's perfect for creating that sleep sanctuary we all need to be restored. My wife sleeps in Cozy Earth's long sleeved bamboo pajamas every night. She loves them. We both love the Cozy Earth bath linens and they have the best towels in the world. And I've fallen for their cityscape hoodies. I love them. Listen, this new year, let's do a restart. Let's put down the phone, let's set a regular bedtime, let's get comfortable when possible, and let's invest in our sleep. All of this with Cozy Earth. Because when we sleep and rest well, we show up better for ourselves and our families. Right now, Cozy Earth is offering a 40% off discount code exclusively for my listeners. Visit cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney. That's Cozyearth. C O Z Y.com DeLoney. All right, so I'm a founding member of the get off the Internet and Go Outside and Play club. I think I may be the only member. And yet, like all of you, I often find myself at work or in my personal life, living on the Internet. As a society, we've created more and more online accounts for everything. And we're all always signing up for promos, giving away our emails and personal numbers, and buying everything with our phones. I get hundreds of emails to my personal account, my business account, and every business wants to survey me and become my friend. And everyone, everywhere is trying to sell me all kinds of stuff all the time. Drives me nuts. And with all this online activity, do we really know where our data is and who even has it? Chances are high that data broker websites have your information and they're selling it to scammers, spammers and other shady people. But when you use Delete Me, they find and remove your data from hundreds of sites and they send reports to you throughout the year to show you exactly what they've removed and from where. And now I'm getting way fewer of those spammy texts and phone calls which allow me to let my guard down a little and feel some peace this new year. Share the peace by giving a delete me subscription to someone you love. Individual delete me plans start as low as $9 a month. Go to joindeleteme.com DeLoney today for 20% off. That's join J O I N delete me.com DeLoney all right, we're back. Let's go to Memphis, Tennessee, down the street and talk to Charmaine. Hey, Charmaine. What's going on?

[Alan]

So I lost £100.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I don't. How long did that. How long did that take you?

[Alan]

2 and a half years. Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How'd you do that?

[Alan]

Well, it's a. It was a long process. I also have pcos and the rest of my family struggles with obesity, so it was kind of like a one man show for a while.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How'd you do it?

[Alan]

I started my. It was really about sustainability. Like, what can I do for a long amount of time? And also just getting to the root of it, I think was the biggest thing. And. And that's what I wanted to talk to you kind of about. Because when I was addressing that route, a lot of things sprung up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Alan]

But I'm a totally different person. And I'm just like, I don't even know who I am. Like, do I date myself?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, I'm smiling ear to ear for you right now. Here's why. I know what hell you went through. And I know everyone looks at your Instagram and sees the before and afters, and it's cool. They don't see how much hell you got from family members who are supposed to love you, who, you know are feeling miserable every day, and yet they want to project that onto you.

[Alan]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And how lonely it was and how cold in the mornings it was when you got up to go walking. And how hot it was in the summer. Like, I'm so proud of you right now. I'm bursting in my seat right here.

[Alan]

Oh, thank you so much, Dr. John. That really means. That means a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's the deal. Beyond the weight, forget the number. I want you to know that I see how hard you've worked. I'm so proud of you.

[Alan]

Thank you. You are very motivating. I was walking to you for, like, hours and hours, and I would hear your voice. So, I mean, I would. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, women have been walking away from me for years, Charmaine. That's kind of my thing.

[Alan]

I was walking with you. I was walking with you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What an honor, dude. What a blessing. All Right. So how can I help? What's up?

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Alan]

Yeah. So I wanted to get more of a. Just. I feel like I have a lot of pieces in my head, like, because I feel like it's more of a psychological battle now than a physical one. I'm basically at the end of my journey, and, like, I would love to look myself in the mirror, put my fist to my chest, and say, I love this woman. But I can't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why?

[Alan]

Because I don't know who I. I don't know who I am.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's not true. That's not true. That's. That's Internety, gobbledygook. You know who you are.

[Alan]

Why don't you believe many things have changed, though? I can give you some examples, like, rattle them off. First thing is, like, looking at myself in the mirror. I just, like, don't recognize myself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Alan]

That's like a cognitive thing. That's really weird.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You catch yourself out of the corner of your eye and you're like, oh. Oh, that's me. Yeah.

[Alan]

Yeah. I cannot tell you how many times via Zoom or on my phone where I look at myself and I'm like, is that me? Like, it's. It's very, very weird.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Alan]

But I think deeper than that for me. Like, I've always had this, like, script when you. When you talk about, like, what's the undercurrent of your life? Like, I know I found out what that script is, and I know that in order to, like, overcome that, I have to have something different, but I don't know what to replace it with. You know, I always thought the ugly fat friend who I didn't have any. Anybody. But that's not true. I know it's not true now, and I. And I deserve love and stuff like that, but how do I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's the script?

[Alan]

Well, the script has always been, like, you know, I'm undesirable. You know, from the people around me to friends, I'm the butt of every joke. You know, I'm always just, like, this alien that has no space where I can really, like, be myself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, here's.

[Alan]

Here's what you're looking at. My weight first.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's what you're doing, and it's so natural and so normal, but I want to free you for a second. Okay.

[Alan]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What you just described is a lifetime of other voices, and it sounds like you've read my book. So you know what I'm talking about when I say other people have been dropping bricks into your backpack your whole life and you've been carrying their stuff around forever. Not to mention you carried up. When I say cultural, I mean in your family. A whole. A whole family generation, whole network of obesity. And there's no judgment there, man. That's stress. That is trying to get through life. That is finances. That is a thousand different things, right? And for some reason, it's somehow, some way, one half of America is now clinically obese. And you said, I'm done. And so what you've done now is you've changed everything. But you're looking for other people's voices to fill up what happens next, because they've been directing every step you've taken your whole life. Eat this. Don't leave anything on your plate. Oh, my gosh, Are you kidding me? We don't do that here. This family. You've let other voices carry you this far. And what you're feeling now is this terrifying freedom, which is Charmaine gets to choose what happens next. And I'm gonna tell you something crazy. There's no rules. And that means that can be terrifying or that can be the most. Wheels off, reckless, super fun. Let's have adventures. So let me ask you this question that maybe nobody's ever asked you before. Who do you want to go be?

[Alan]

I. I've never really. Yeah, nobody's asked me that question before.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. Who do you want to go be? Don't overthink it. You've been overthinking your whole life. Don't overthink it.

[Alan]

Don't overthink it. Someone adventurous, someone who has integrity. Someone who is hard working. Someone who wants to, I don't know, try new things and. And meet more people and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so. So that person you just described, that's the woman I'm hearing on the phone right now. Two and a half years ago, you went on a hella adventure to lose a hundred pounds. You lost two of my daughters, okay? So you went on an adventure. You did real, real, real hard work. You were a person of integrity. You made a goal and a commitment to yourself, and you kept it and you kept it and you kept it, especially when it was hard, especially when you got low. Especially when you and your boyfriend, before he was your fiance, y'all gotten fights and you know, the things that made you feel better in the past, but they were short term and you didn't. You know how to work hard. You know how to be a person of integrity. That's you now.

[Alan]

Right? And I think the thing that. To your point that I've been reckoning with is I was an emotional eater. So when I was sad, I ate. When I was mad, I ate. When I was depressed, I ate.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're happy?

[Alan]

You're ate? When I. Yeah, when I was ate.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Alan]

Everything. Everything. Yeah. And then, like, because I don't go to food now, now I'm looking, like, at the relationships I've had because I've always been kind of like a people pleaser, like, go with the flow. But I'm realizing I wasn't really going with the flow at all. I was just oppressing all of my emotions.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Alan]

And now it's just like this new person where it's like, maybe it wasn't even a new person. It was just me all along.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Alan]

And that's what I'm trying to reconcile.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, so you were probably told all of your life what you weren't. And now you're reckoning with cognitive dissonance because you can see who you've become unleashed. I think you're right. I think you were in there all along. There were just layers and layers of stories and other people's trauma telling you what you could never be. So here's what this new transformation is going to cost you. Old relationships where people needed you to be the overweight friend because it made them feel better about their lot in life. People needed you to be the girl without the boyfriend because it gave them permission to make bad dating decisions. They needed you to be just like everyone else at the table because your weight loss brings, like, guilt and embarrassment to some people. But if you think it through, many of those relationships that felt safe and warm were predatory. They were using you. And so this transformation will cost you those relationships and those real ones, the real ones, they will laugh and scream every time they see you because they're still so proud of you. Here's the part that you got to do next. You've got to practice having adventures. Put them on the calendar. You got to put two new things on the calendar.

[Alan]

And here's the thing. I have adventures set up, but I'm scared. Like, of course I'm getting married soon.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Alan]

You know, I've studied abroad. I've done a lot of interesting things, but it's just like, I don't. It's like, wow, this is the new me. Like, this is. This is kind of, I don't know, crazy. And I'm kind of trying to connect the dots. And you're.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're over. You're. You're overthinking it. Your Excitement feels a lot like anxiousness.

[Alan]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your optimism and joy and being scared, all of that is right. Just because it's scary doesn't mean it's a wrong path.

[Alan]

Gotcha.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just because it's like, oh, my gosh, this is me. Yep, it's you. And by the way, go on a couple of adventures, and you might find you don't like one of them. That's cool. You might not like two of them. That's cool. Just don't do those anymore. That's when I go back to seeing there's no. There's no more rules. You and your husband get to co create whatever world you want to. And for a young woman who's been told her whole life, you just have to go to the corner because you're less than. You're not enough because of how you look, how you dress, the family you're in. This is wild new territory. How old are you?

[Alan]

Right. I'm 22, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

For 20 years, people have told you, don't do what you're about to do. For 20 years, people told you that some man would never pick you. Are you about to marry a good man?

[Alan]

Oh, yeah. He's great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, he's great like on a Excel spreadsheet or. He's great, like, not kind of gross, like.

[Alan]

No, he. He. We met. He met me in the. Right smack dab in the middle of my journey. And he's just been so consistent. Like, the love's been so consistent. And that's another thing where I'm like, he loves me for who I am. Like, that's scary.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know.

[Alan]

It doesn't matter what the outside looks like now, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But that's the one question. That's the one question. Now that you see all of me, do you still love me? And he looked at you and said, till the day I die.

[Alan]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What you have to practice is believing that. Because nobody's ever told you that, right? They've used you. And your love to them has been conditional on how you look, how you act, how you dress, what you do, what you don't do. And then you found this guy that says, no, no, no. I see you. Till death do us part. I'm in. And what you got to do is practice it. Here's what practice looks like. It might be writing him a letter until y'all get married. Once a week, once a day. Short one. It might be writing you. Dear Charmaine, I'm so proud of you. Here's who we get to be today. Tomorrow you wake up Dear Charmaine, so proud of you. Here's who we get to be today. Write a letter to 27 year old Charmaine. I went through hell at the age of 20 so that you could have this amazing life at 27. And let her know what you're going to be doing over the next five years with this new ride or die. Handsome pants, grody commode boy who loves you. You see what I'm saying?

[Alan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, this is great. I was just like, I don't know where to start. I feel scared, but also really excited.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And run right through the middle of it, screaming your head off.

[Alan]

Right through the fire.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right through it. Listen, you're gonna mess up, you're gonna fall down. People are gonna be like, yeah, I wouldn't do that. And you make I can do anything. And then you'll be like, yeah, I won't do that one again. Like, that's part of it. It's all good, right? But it will cost you old relationships. I want you to be honest with yourself about the relationships that may have been predatory. Where people needed you to be the overweight girl, people needed you to be the girl that couldn't get the boyfriend. I want you to be honest about those first friends, and I want you to be equally honest about the friends who've been with you the whole way. Kind of like your fiance who knew you through this whole journey, cheered you on. They loved you before, they love you now. They'll love you after. Hold those people tight. Take them out somewhere special for dinner. And you pick up the tab and just tell them, hey, I just want y'all to know I love you. You've been my ride or die for the last two years. I'm heading into Charmaine Part 3, 3.0, and who knows what that's going to look like? But I may want to go back to school. I may want to get a house. I may want to leave Memphis. I may want to. I may want to. I may want to. It doesn't matter what. You get to pick what happens next. It's the new year. It's my favorite time of year. It's when everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't helpful, and overall building a better life. And we all know that most new go get them goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable. So how about this year, let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals and better systems. And let's start by curating A system and a goal that's actually good for your soul. Let's start this year with our spiritual lives. And let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it and I love it. Hallow offers 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God and find peace. Hallow has some amazing daily prayers that will be perfect to start each of your days with. One of Hallow's most popular features is the Daily Reflection with Jonathan Roumie from the Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's something called the daily minute. Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and even fostering a community for accountability. Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right Now, Hallow's offering three months free when you join at hallow.com DeLoney that's Hallow. H a l l o-w.com DeLoney for three months of Hallow absolutely free. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Omaha where they make the stakes. Omaha, Nebraska Talk to Alan. Hey, Alan, what's up?

[Charmaine]

Hi. I'm doing okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up, man?

[Charmaine]

So my question is, how do I get back. Sorry. How do I get back up after losing my job for the second time, man?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What happened in a year? What happened a year? Geez. What happened the first time.

[Charmaine]

There? So we moved up. Me and my wife moved out here to Omaha. Sorry, okay. Me and my wife moved out here to Omaha and we. For jobs and because it was cheaper, so we did that. The first time I worked in IT for a company and I actually thought it was going really well. And then due to some parts, some of it's my fault, miscommunication with my manager at the time, they saw fit to let me go the first time and the first time I was able to get back up, I feel like I was able to get back up and running as soon as I could. As soon as it happened, I found I was down and I got back up and found another job. And for the second job, I was there for six months and it was. There was a six month probationary period because it was for the local government, it for them. And at the end of that six months, I was under the impression that they were going to keep me. And so I Me and my wife, actually, we decided to move forward with starting our family and we found out that we were expecting. Sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're all right. You found out you were expecting and then they also. You also found out you lost your.

[Charmaine]

Job about a week or two later. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So how far along is your wife?

[Charmaine]

We just hit the 20 week mark, so she's due in April.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You're scared to death, aren't you?

[Charmaine]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Charmaine]

I feel like I'm failing as a husband and I'm not even a father yet.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm just going to sit here with you for a second. The psychology research tells me that losing a job, especially one that you don't see common, has a similar impact to losing a loved one. And when you see it as a matter of provision. I'm going to be a good husband, I'm going to be a good dad. And it goes away. And especially it seems like it goes away without you even realizing it, man. That's just. It's a tough loss. And so I think most of us want to scramble up and try to go fix it right away. I want you to grieve it for a minute, man. Okay.

[Charmaine]

Yeah. I've been doing that for about two months now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. That's too long. And I say too long, like going, you got to go get a job at Walmart or McDonald's or something. That's not your career. But you can't feel your way back to your feet and you can't think your way or podcast your way back to your feet. You got to go do.

[Charmaine]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I.

[Charmaine]

Sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, go ahead, go ahead.

[Charmaine]

Well, the first. So looking back, I feel. I don't know why it took me too long, so long to get up and do anything. I finally had the courage to go and do doordash after, which is okay. But it's not great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, it's not. It's something. It gets you up out of the house. You have to shower.

[Charmaine]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, hey, so let's. I don't want to blow by something, though, because I think the current ethos in our culture is to blame everybody for everything. If you and me are just hanging out, having some chips and queso, just chit chat, doing some reflecting. If you had to make a list of two or three or four things that you know you contributed to getting fired. Right. In a row, twice. What are three or four things? Two or three things that you need to work on that you need to improve.

[Charmaine]

I had a hard time focusing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Was that a lack of sleep? Was it you don't know how. You don't really know how to do the job. Was it didn't go get some medication? What do you mean you. You had trouble focusing? Were you looking at stuff on the Internet you shouldn't have been looking at, Looking at pornography? Were you looking at YouTube all day? Like what. What do you mean by that?

[Charmaine]

I was diagnosed with ADHD and when I was in college and I never did medication until just actually I noticed it was an issue. I realized it was being an issue with my last job. So I did go in to get help, but it was just too late, I think.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I also have wrestled with ADHD my whole life. I'm not any better, any worse than anybody else. But I've learned that a lot of things I can do on a day to day basis, like activity and exercise, even I don't want to. And getting out in different temperatures, whether it's cold or whether it's hot, and having some friends sleeping, putting my phone down. Do any of those things ring a bell?

[Charmaine]

Yeah. I. I have done woodworking and I made in the meantime. Well, my escape.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And my guess is, here's what I want you to prove to yourself. Most people think ADHD is just an inability to focus. It's not true. Because I bet you get to woodwork and you can do that for a long time, can't you?

[Charmaine]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. ADHD has a hyper focus component to it. And so often it's about value. This particular task before me is not worth my time or is lame or is boring or is whatever. So I think a big question you can ask yourself. Is it the job for you?

[Charmaine]

There's a lot of downtime. But when there are projects that I actually did really get invested in and I did really enjoy those projects, but just the downtime was how sometimes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sounds like you're not telling me the whole story. But that's okay. You don't have to dig into it. I want you to spend some time being honest about. Okay. What must be true during the downtime. If I did the projects, and I did them with excellence and they were outstanding. The. The reason is, is I know some. I know. I mean, I work in a building full of IT guys. If you're great at something, you can really knock out the project and you knock it out of the park every time you do it. People a will put up with a lot because IT guys are kind of like radio guys. Like, they're just some men and women that just see the world, experience it all differently. People will Give people a lot of latitude and they'll have hard conversations direct with you. If you do mediocre work when the projects come in and you struggle during the off times of finding other things to do, of being a good teammate, etc. Etc. Etc. Then yeah, they'll let you go. Here's all I'm saying. I want it to be both in for you. I don't want you to walk away from these two experiences because by the way, these aren't the end of your, of your life. You're going to go on to do some amazing things, okay? But I want you to listen to what these experiences taught you. And the thing I think you've lost more than anything else is confidence in Allen. And I want you to regain confidence in Allen. And you can't think your way to it. You got to go act your way to it. So here's what I want that to look like you. I want you to feel a little more confident that you went to a doctor and you did something about this. I want you to feel a little more confident that you made something. I want you to make one project a month for somebody in your woodworking thing and give it to them. Mom, dad, friend, cousin, college roommate, whoever. Mail it to them. Tell them some goofball on the Internet's told you you needed to do this. I want you go down to the local YMCA or down to a local gym and I want you to start an exercise program. Okay? I want you to make a three day commitment. I will go for a walk, I will go exercise. I will go lift weights. I'll go do something to begin to make myself feel and know I'm a little more confident. I want you to make a commitment to an out. This is just for 30 days. An hour before bedtime, put all screens down away. Deal with that awkwardness. Learn to rediscover your wife. In fact, hang on the line, I'm going to send you a copy. I'm going to send you Questions for Humans, the all three Couples deck and the new Intimacy deck. I want you to go through those with your wife. No screens, no screens, no screens. Relearn about each other. I want you not just to do Uber and Lyft. I'm proud of you for getting up off the couch and going to do that. I want you to go get a job at Walmart. Why don't you go get a job where you can possibly end up being an assistant manager? I want you to go just get a job after a job, after a job. I want you to work, I want you to go to bed tired at night, and you spend a lot of time in your head. That's good. I want you to start writing those things down, get them out of your head because they spin and they spin and they spin and they spin and they spin. I want you to begin doing those things. Want you to find one or two guys you can go walk with that will meet you at the gym or whatever. And last thing I want you to do, I want you to do that this weekend over the Thanksgiving holiday. We're recording this show right before Thanksgiving. I want you to write your future kid, your kid that's going to be here in April. Write him or her a letter, tell him about dad got knocked down. Dad got let go twice of two jobs that he liked. He got real scared. And then writing that letter, here's what Dad's gonna go do. Dad's gonna start exercising. Dad's gonna start standing up a little bit taller. Dad's gonna start reading. Dad's gonna get off his screens and create kind of a screenish freeish life for when you come along. Dad's gonna go work 1 job, 2 job, 3 jobs until he lands another one. He's going to confront those, the challenges with downtime, the expression of ADHD in the workplace. We're going to confront those things head on and begin to make some changes. See, I see a bright future ahead of you, Alan. Little step after a little step after little step. Here's my challenge to you. Call me back in 30 days, call me back right before Christmas and let me know how you're doing. I want to know how you're doing if you're taking step by step by step. I'm proud of you, brother, for making this call forever. I've been talking about my love of red light therapy, my love for infrared saunas, my concerns about the way certain types of light disrupts our mood and our sleep, the amount of EMFs and everything we do and more. And I've been looking for someone I could team up with to offer red light and near infrared light therapy at the highest quality, as well as someone who could help me with my other concerns about our modern living environment. I've tried a number of different companies and products and I'm super excited that we are now partnering with Bon Charge, a world leader in red light therapy. I've purchased a number of Bon Charge products with my own money and I love them. Red light and near infrared light therapy has been reviewed in over 4,000 peer reviewed studies with 400 plus of those studies being double blind placebo trials. Not only do these studies show amazing health benefits, not one study has shown any negative side effects. Red light therapy can help with boosting your mood, helping with sleep, reducing stress, recovery from aches and pains, better skin and skin health, cellulite stretch marks and more. I use my red light therapy panels and mask both the near infrared and the red light up to 10 to 20 minutes each day, sometimes more. And I often do this during my prayer or meditation time when I'm sore from working out or when I'm having trouble sleeping. It has become a cornerstone of my health and wellness practice. And I've also recently ordered Bon Charge's infrared sauna blanket, their special lamps and light bulbs for my home and more. Bon Charge ships worldwide in rapid time and their products, including red light therapy, are HSA and FSA eligible. Bon Charge offers easy returns and exchanges and a 12 month warranty on all red light therapy devices. Go to boncharge.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to save 15% off. That's a B O N C-H-A-R-G-E.com DeLoney and use code DELONEY to save 15%. All right, we are back. Kelly. Well, something cool that happened.

[Kelly]

All right. This is from a married pair of Marines. This is from Sharon and Owen Cisparo.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A married pair of Marines.

[Kelly]

Well, a couple. And they are both retired Marines.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes, you said that the most awkward way, if possible.

[Kelly]

So Sharon Sisparo is a major U.S. marine Corps, retired. And Owen is also. Oh, he's also an md. He's fancy pants and major US Marine Corps, retired. So look at that. Fancy people that watch this show Semper Fi. I was raised by a marine.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I was about to say like, I don't know if you're allowed to say that.

[Kelly]

Yeah, I was raised by one, so it counts.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

All right. Hi Dr. John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Everybody in the booth's like, okay, all right, cool.

[Kelly]

Hi Dr. John. Wanted to thank you so much for the questions for humans. My husband and I just celebrated our 10 year anniversary and spent every night of our anniversary week going on dates together and using the new intimacy questions for humans. It was incredible. We learned so much about each other, specifically our gas and brake pedals. It's opened up so much for us and we feel feel like more life has been breathed into our relationship. Thank you. Know that our prayers for your continued work are with you. It's helping people in relationships heal. P.S. we've passed along your podcast to so many people that the other day I mentioned it to a friend who was in a rough situation and my husband just said he needs some. Dr. DeLoney, as two retired Marines, we have your podcast at the ready for any battle.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, that's so rad. Hey, thank you two for being amazing people. When I think about what I do for a living, I just like take a knee and like, way to go guys. And then how awesome of an idea is like a 10 year anniversary instead of like doing a thing like going on a date every night that week. That's rad.

[Kelly]

Yeah, I've never heard that, but that's super cool.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, that's like you have to be intentional. Plan it. That's. That's kind of an awesome idea. And then just to get weird. Awesome. Good call, dude. Well, dude, shout out. That makes my. That's. I'm. As I'm heading into Thanksgiving break. I'm grateful for that. There's a couple out there, couples like that out there. What'd you call them? A married pair of Marines that are out there. Retired Marines, changing. Changing the world. It's amazing, guys. Thank you all so much.

[Kelly]

We very much appreciate it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I apologize for Kelly trying to co opt your experience.

[Kelly]

Seriously. Granddaughter of Marine, daughter of a Marine nephew. Submarine cousins are Marines. I think I'm okay if I say semper fi.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now I'm stuck because I'm either gonna get like 500 cards and letters from Marines being like, she can say it.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or that I'm gonna get like three. Like how dare.

[Kelly]

If it makes him feel any better, I'm married. Ex na. My husband is Navy and my marine corps father is probably rolling over in his grave that I married a Navy man.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I have a joke that I'm not even going to make because I like your husband. He's pretty awesome. Hey, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving. This show will come out way after Thanksgiving into the new year, but just know that the day before Thanksgiving, I'm thinking about you all. I wish you guys the absolute best. We'll see you soon. Hey, what's up, folks? Big news. The Dr. John DeLoney show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right, you can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.