I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex

Summary

Summary of "I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex" Episode of The Dr. John Delony Show

Released on March 19, 2025

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Introduction to the Episode

In this compelling episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, hosted by the Ramsey Network, Dr. John DeLoney delves deep into the intricate dynamics of love, relationships, and mental health. The episode, titled "I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex," features heartfelt conversations with callers grappling with various relationship challenges. Dr. DeLoney provides insightful advice, practical exercises, and thought-provoking reflections to help listeners navigate their emotional landscapes and strengthen their connections with loved ones.

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1. Adam's Struggle: Feeling Loved Only Through Sex (00:05 – 19:13)

Caller Background: Adam, a father of three (ages 3, 5, and 8), reaches out seeking guidance on feeling loved by his wife primarily through sexual intimacy. He expresses a desire to learn how to receive love through other means to foster a deeper emotional connection.

Key Discussion Points:

• Love Languages Critique:

  • Dr. DeLoney acknowledges the concept of love languages but criticizes its potential misapplication. He emphasizes that while understanding love languages can foster conversation, they should not become restrictive or weaponized in relationships.
  • Notable Quote:
    • Dr. DeLoney: “The love language phenomenon... can be weaponized as, you have to do this because this is the only way that I am programmed.” (02:48)

• Emotional Disconnect:

  • Adam feels that aside from sex, words of affirmation from his wife do not sufficiently convey love, leading him to question his lovability.
  • Notable Quote:
    • Adam: “Nothing gives me those feelings of love like sex does.” (02:25)

• Impact of Childhood Trauma:

  • Adam shares his upbringing, highlighting a verbally abusive father and a loving mother, suggesting that his primary source of love avoidance stems from childhood experiences.
  • Notable Quote:
    • Adam: “My father was pretty intense... My mother was very loving and kind of tried to protect us from his outbursts.” (05:15)

• Practical Exercises:

  • Dr. DeLoney introduces visualization and reflective exercises aimed at addressing unresolved childhood emotions. He encourages Adam to confront his past by envisioning conversations with his father to unearth and process lingering hurt.
  • Notable Quote:
    • Dr. DeLoney: “I want you to picture yourself sitting down in a chair in a completely empty room...” (12:55)

• Relationship Dynamics:

  • The conversation explores how Adam's role as a "people pleaser" and his efforts to meet his wife's needs may inadvertently contribute to a transactional view of love centered around sex.
  • Notable Quote:
    • Adam: “...I'm the adorer. And my wife is the adored.” (06:03)

Conclusion for Adam: Dr. DeLoney advises Adam to engage in honest, vulnerable conversations with his wife beyond sexual intimacy. He recommends seeking therapy to address deep-seated emotional wounds and fosters a more holistic approach to experiencing love.

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2. Ethan and Grace's Dilemma: Seeking Parental Blessing (26:36 – 38:57)

Callers' Background: Ethan and Grace, a couple contemplating marriage, discuss the challenges they've faced in obtaining Ethan's girlfriend’s parents' blessing. Their relationship has been strained by past familial tensions and recent confrontations during a Thanksgiving conversation.

Key Discussion Points:

• Parental Approval Struggles:

  • Ethan describes a lengthy and contentious conversation with his girlfriend's parents, where her mother expressed significant disapproval, labeling him as manipulative.
  • Notable Quote:
    • Ethan: “Her mom was like, we feel like you're being manipulative toward her and you're trying to take her away from our family.” (27:23)

• Impact of Familial Expectations:

  • Grace shares her perspective, revealing the familial expectations placed upon her as the oldest daughter to vet and approve Ethan, rooted in her upbringing.
  • Notable Quote:
    • Grace: “I always prayed for and envisioned them having that relationship with my spouse.” (30:10)

• Dr. DeLoney’s Analysis:

  • He identifies the core issue as cultural and familial codependency, where external validations (parental blessings) overshadow the couple's autonomy in their relationship.
  • Notable Quote:
    • Dr. DeLoney: “If you're doing this because you are so uncertain about your next move, because your mom has dictated every move in your life, you're gonna have to cut that cord or you're gonna have to let Ethan go.” (38:49)

• Practical Solutions:

  • Direct Communication: Dr. DeLoney advises Ethan to arrange a one-on-one meeting with his girlfriend's father to build a personal rapport and convey his genuine intentions.
    • Notable Quote:
      • Dr. DeLoney: “I would reach out and call dad, and I would say, hey, I'm gonna be in town...” (40:11)
  • Boundary Setting: For Grace and Ethan, establishing clear boundaries with Ethan's parents is crucial. This includes symbolic acts like "swiping the table clean" to represent starting anew without past influences.
    • Notable Quote:
      • Dr. DeLoney: “I want you and your husband to wipe the table clean. ... It's a symbol.” (55:34)

Conclusion for Ethan and Grace: Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the necessity of prioritizing the couple's relationship over parental expectations. He encourages proactive steps to establish independence and cultivate a unified front, free from external familial pressures.

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3. Emily's Battle: Forgiving an Abusive Past (44:07 – 57:35)

Caller Background: Emily seeks advice on helping her husband overcome the scars of growing up in an abusive and verbally traumatic family environment. She grapples with anger towards her deceased mother-in-law and the lingering effects of past abuse on her husband's emotional well-being.

Key Discussion Points:

• Understanding the Pain:

  • Emily recounts the severe abuse her husband endured, including excessive beatings that led to seizures, and the manipulative behavior of a former youth pastor.
  • Notable Quote:
    • Emily: “He has seizures and his neurologist thinks it was from all of the head trauma as a child.” (47:35)

• The Complexity of Forgiveness:

  • Dr. DeLoney clarifies that forgiveness is a personal journey aimed at freeing oneself from lingering resentment, not forgetting or condoning past abuse.
  • Notable Quote:
    • Dr. DeLoney: “Forgiveness is for you. It's a decision to no longer let her... hurt you.” (45:55)

• Practical Exercises for Healing:

  • Symbolic Actions: Emily is guided to perform symbolic acts, such as swiping the table clean or writing letters to release pent-up emotions.
    • Notable Quote:
      • Dr. DeLoney: “I want you to get a whole bunch of kids toys... swipe the table completely clean.” (55:34)
  • Letter Writing: She and her husband are encouraged to write letters to their children and to each other, fostering commitment and transparency.
    • Notable Quote:
      • Dr. DeLoney: “I want you to write a letter... to your kids.” (56:48)

• Addressing Ongoing Trauma:

  • Recognizing the depth of Emily's emotional turmoil, Dr. DeLoney underscores the importance of professional therapy to navigate complex feelings of anger and loss.
    • Notable Quote:
      • Dr. DeLoney: “That's where you knock on the door to a trauma therapist and say, I need to let two people go.” (52:56)

• Building a Sanctuary at Home:

  • Emily is advised to transform her home into a safe haven, free from the influence of her abusive past, ensuring a nurturing environment for her children and husband.
    • Notable Quote:
      • Dr. DeLoney: “What do we want [our home] to feel like?” (55:34)

Conclusion for Emily: Dr. DeLoney provides Emily with a framework for healing that combines symbolic acts with deep emotional work. By fostering forgiveness and setting boundaries, Emily and her husband can create a healthier, more supportive family environment.

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4. Practical Exercises and Final Insights

Throughout the episode, Dr. DeLoney emphasizes actionable steps for listeners to implement in their relationships:

• Honest Conversations: Engaging in open and vulnerable dialogue with partners to understand and meet each other's emotional needs.

• Symbolic Actions: Utilizing symbolic gestures, such as clearing tables or writing letters, to represent emotional cleansing and commitment to change.

• Therapeutic Support: Encouraging the pursuit of professional therapy to address deep-seated emotional wounds and facilitate healing.

• Creating Safe Spaces: Transforming home environments into sanctuaries that foster love, trust, and mutual respect, free from past traumatic influences.

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Notable Quotes from the Episode

1. Dr. John DeLoney on Love Languages:

   • “The love language phenomenon... can be weaponized as, you have to do this because this is the only way that I am programmed.” (02:48)

2. Adam on His Feelings:

   • “Nothing gives me those feelings of love like sex does.” (02:25)

3. Dr. DeLoney on Forgiveness:

   • “Forgiveness is for you. It's a decision to no longer let her... hurt you.” (45:55)

4. Dr. DeLoney on Practical Exercises:

   • “I want you to picture yourself sitting down in a chair in a completely empty room...” (12:55)

5. Dr. DeLoney on Creating Safe Spaces:

   • “What do we want [our home] to feel like?” (55:34)

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Conclusion

In this episode, Dr. John DeLoney adeptly navigates complex relationship issues, offering listeners profound insights and practical tools to foster healthier, more fulfilling connections. By addressing the root causes of emotional disconnects and providing actionable strategies, Dr. DeLoney empowers individuals to heal past wounds and build stronger, more resilient partnerships.

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For more support and to engage with similar content, listeners are encouraged to reach out via voicemail at 844-693-3291 or email [e-mail].

Transcript

[Adam]

I heard you say that a lot of young men nowadays only know how to give and receive love through sex. I felt a little pointed out when you said that. So I'd love to know how does one learn how to receive love through other methods? And I really want to make it easier for my wife to love me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yo, what's going on? This is John, the Dr. John DeLoney Show. I'm so grateful that you were with us talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships. Whatever you got going on in your crazy, crazy life, man. And we all have it. I've got it. Everybody's got it. Kelly especially has it. Kelly, the show producer. So much so that she wore all of her necklaces today. Bling, bling. Do you have a pinky ring that costs about 50? No, no, I don't. I do have on a like a my yellow as a Texas gold ring though that's cost about 10. Hey. Actually, no it didn't. Ah, here we go. Hey, if you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you. 1-844-693-3291. Give me a call for you texters out there. Yes, you'll have to call, but a human won't answer. It will just be a recording and you can leave a message or shoot us a Note@john deloney.com Ask and Big Time, big time. If you'll hit the subscribe button. If you will share these episodes with your friends, leave five star reviews. It makes a huge, huge difference for us. Let's roll out to Cleveland, Ohio and talk to Adam. Hey Adam, what's up?

[Adam]

Hey, Dr. John, it's delighted, I'm delighted to talk to you today.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm glad that you called, man. And for those of you who aren't, Adam, it took us a long time to get the show rolling this morning because we had lots of technical difficulties because Ben doesn't like hitting record. I don't know, I'm just blaming you because I saw you had a corner my bend. But no, it's all good, man. Adam, what's up?

[Adam]

Okay, so a while ago I heard you say that a lot of young men nowadays only know how to give and receive love through sex. That I, I felt a little pointed out when you said that. So I'd love to know how does one learn how to receive love through other methods? You said it was, I think you've said in the past it's effectively the only tool in their toolkit.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Adam]

And I, for, for example, I definitely love words of affirmation, but nothing gives me those feelings of love like sex does. And I really want to make it easier for my wife to love me Is and has been difficult for us.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man. Oh, gosh. You're not. I say you're not. You sound like a love languages guy.

[Adam]

Yes, a little bit.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so I. I like, I don't believe, like, in the. In the takedown, like, there's. There's whole, like, podcasts and authors and whatever, that their whole life is just all they do is go around and take down other people. So I'm not really into that. I will say that I think the love language phenomenon, the five love languages and all of the various whatevers, it. It's fine as. As a. Aha. And as a good conversation moment between people, partners in it. It can be cool to, like, be reflective, but it's not real. And I think we end up. Sometimes those love languages get weaponized as, you have to do this because this is the only way that I am programmed. And if you don't do this, then you're choosing to not love me instead of it being like, huh, yeah, like, I have a bent this way or I kind of lean this way. So tell me about what love looks like in your house. You got kids?

[Adam]

Yeah, I got three boys. I am extremely affectionate with them. I would say more so that than anything else. My wife is a little bit more. She seems to enjoy quality time with them and is always pushing me to spend more quality time with them and try to speak their love languages. But, I mean, as far as what love looks like, that's about it. We. I'm. We try to say nice things to our kids, too, like, you know, proud of them, think that they're awesome, etc.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does love look like for you?

[Adam]

I guess I. I think, like. Like I said, it feels like sex. And, you know, my wife would say nice things to me, and that feels nice, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But then you're like, okay, prove it.

[Adam]

Yeah, kind of. It almost feels like. And you're not crazy going upstairs now?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like, oh, you look really nice today. It's like, oh, sweet. You just want to take your shirt off. I get that. I totally get it. I'm trying to. I'm trying to do this in a way that I can also teach at the same time instead of just pulling apart your situation so that. Because I know, like, I'm really grateful that you called because millions and millions of men experience this. And on the other side, millions and millions of spouses experience trying to love with three kids. How old are your boys?

[Adam]

Three, five and eight.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good gosh. You haven't felt loved in a long time, have you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about growing up for you.

[Adam]

I. My. My. My father was pretty intense. I'll say. My mother was very loving and kind of tried to protect us from is outbursts. I'll say. So love was kind of avoiding my father and leaning into that relationship with my mother.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, man, you are. You're helping a lot of people by being honest. What did high school romance look like for you?

[Adam]

I had. I was a serial monogamist. I had long relationships, but a lot of them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Adam]

And very deep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Very deep, very fast.

[Adam]

I wouldn't say deep, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean like this. Did you fall hard?

[Adam]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh.

[Adam]

And I was. And I was always the one who loved more than the other. Even now in my relationship, I was. I'm the. I'm the adorer. Okay. So. And my wife is the adored. And every single girlfriend I had ever had, I fell harder than they did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Adam]

It's a little. It's almost embarrassing that. To think about it, honestly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, so I get that. But also, I want to step back and I don't know, dude. If I let myself. It's a rainy day here in Nashville. It's kind of just a gray day. And so it's just one of those days where I just. On the way to work, I was a little extra introspective just because of the weather, and I listened to like, moody music kind of thing. I can get choked up. Here's why. I'm thinking about a little boy who so desperately wants to be seen and known and hugged by his old man and is constantly having to be rescued by mom, by this maternal figure. And I'm looking at a little boy who goes off a cliff every time somebody gives him a little bit of attention because. Not because there's something wrong with him or it's embarrassing, but because he's desperate for oxygen.

[Adam]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he falls hard. Breakups are really hard in within 24 hours. Instead of mourning that the dude, I love a good middle school or high school, like, crush. I love them. But instead of mourning it and being sad like you're supposed to, and you get quote unquote, dumped. Right. You're right onto the next. Because this is a matter of survival for your little nervous system because home's not safe. And the challenge is. And again, the challenge is it's really easy for you guys to get in a dance Especially with a chaotic house like you have. I need this. This is my love language. I need sex. I need this to feel loved. So your wife loves you and she puts you on a chore list.

[Adam]

Yeah, we gotta get, that's exactly how it is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We got to get the boys fed. We got to get the boys done here. We got to do this. You get the yard mode. I gott, I got to get him off. And then I can go do this, and then I can go to sleep. And what she does when she moves you to a chore list, she becomes your mom. Yeah, right. She becomes a person. You become yet another thing that she's got to take care of that day. And so the reason I don't like the love languages other than just a flyby reflective tool, is it puts people on chore lists and it avoids the harder conversation, the more vulnerable conversation, which is you looking at her saying, I want you. How can I love you today? And that all covers up the deeper question, which is most of the men running around needing, as they say, and by the way, men don't need sex. You need oxygen, food, and water. What we really want to say that we're terrified to say is, I want you. I want to be with you. I have all kinds of crazy, dirty thoughts about you. I want you. But when we say we want something and we don't, and someone says, I'm not going to give that to you, that's so devastating that we then dump it into this. Well, I need it. I need it. I have to have. Right. And so the ultimate question you, I, I, I, I have to ask, are you, are you wondering Becomes, why doesn't somebody love me? Because what, when you, when you outsource it to a physical act, it's basically a little kid asking, will you prove it? Will you prove it? Will you prove it?

[Adam]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And when you get a group of guys, and I'm all about getting a group of guys and meet with, I talk about that all the time. You have to have that. But if the group of guys just sit around and it's this, Iron sharpens. Iron happens through action. It doesn't happen around like, so what did you do? Are you struggling with this? What are your struggles? Like, let's talk like you get what I'm saying? Because it just becomes a oneup. It becomes, yeah, it's, it's trying to hack your way around. Do we have to go do stuff together? We have to share a common purpose and mission. And I would be willing to bet there's A lot of secrets held at that table fair, yes?

[Adam]

Yeah, I think so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you might be the open one, which is awesome. But I, It. It. I've never seen one of those groups where someone doesn't sit down and be like, hey, I'm cheating on my wife, and it's. It stuns everybody, or I've been an alcoholic for three years. Everyone's like, what? And they don't know. Now, now, again, it's not every. Every group, but backing all the way out. Let me ask you this. You, Adam, why don't you feel like you're lovable? What is it about you?

[Adam]

I. I don't know. I think, like, in intellectually, I feel like everybody should love me. Like, I, I'm. I'm. I'm pretty much a people pleaser.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But hold on. You had to be. You had to be.

[Adam]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That was a survival skill.

[Adam]

Yeah. And I was the guy that you say the trauma response of getting good grades. I was that guy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Adam]

And was pretty. I generally been successful at everything I put my. My hand and my mind to. And, And I'm also just like. I got a silver tongue. I'm. I'm good at talking to people. Like, everybody really seems to think. Even at work, people seem to think I walk on water. But for whatever reason, I can't. Like, I've said to my wife in the past, the one person I want to love me, I feel like doesn't. And that's her. Right. I want her to love me. Everybody else thinks I'm fantastic, and for some reason, I can't get her to love me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, but she's the last one that sees you. Yeah, and sees all my crap. But my guess is she looks at you and says, I, I. I made a human. I made three humans with you. I make sure this house is running. I make sure, like, in. In her mind, like, how else do you want me to love you? And what I'm. What I'm being willing to bet is there's a constant escalation. Love look like this. Like, will she will. Can we just make out? Love look like. Can we sleep together? Love look like an increasingly. Let's ramp up the. The novelty of our sex.

[Adam]

Yeah, you are absolutely right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But that's not about her.

[Adam]

She's going to scream when she listens to that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, here's the thing. It's you chasing a ghost. Will you. Will you do a quick experiment with me or a quick exercise with me?

[Adam]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I want you to close your eyes.

[Adam]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to picture yourself sitting down in a chair in a completely empty room. And there's one other chair in that room and it's about four feet from you, facing you.

[Adam]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your old man walks in and sits down. I don't want you to picture me, John. I want you to picture him sitting down. What do you say to him? You can say anything. You can ask him anything.

[Adam]

Why was it so difficult to be nice to me?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now that was silver tongue, Adam.

[Adam]

Why won't you love me?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, you're just answering that because, like that way. Because you want me to answer that. What would you say?

[Adam]

I really think that's what I'd say. I think I would say to him, you were a jerk to me as a kid.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Adam]

Why? Why was it so difficult for you to be a kind per. I. I care so much about kindness. Now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Talk to him. Talk to him. Talk to him. Talk to him.

[Adam]

I feel like you were nice to everybody else. Everybody else thought you were a nice guy. Everybody I've met nowadays thinks that you're a nice guy and doesn't understand me when I say that you were a jerk to me when I was a kid. Why did you treat me like that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Keep going.

[Adam]

Why did you treat mom like that? Why did you treat my sister like that? I don't understand where this. Behave.

[Ethan]

Why?

[Adam]

Why. Why you feel like it's acceptable to behave like a child to me and my family? I don't know. I think that's it. That's. That's all I'd say.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now I want you to do something even harder. Imagine you're 10. I want you to look down with your eyes closed and your feet aren't touching the floor. And you see your little feet kicking. I don't know what kind of shoes you wore. I wore little Converse All Stars when I was a kid. I want you to look at whatever shoes you're kicking. I want you to look back up and see your dad. What does 10 year old Adam ask your old man?

[Adam]

I don't know. I mean, beyond everything I've already said, I don't know what else I would say.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Probably something simple like that. Can we go outside? Hey daddy, will you not hit me anymore? Hey dad, can you just go off the couch? Can we go play? Look, dad, I tuck my shirt in for you. Look, dad, look. I got another one of those special numbers on this piece of paper that you want so bad. Am I good enough now?

[Adam]

I think. I think back to when I was a kid. I did not want to play with my dad. I had no interest in being around him. It was. And. And like. And my dad didn't hit me, like, but he was just very verbally abusive. And I, I just stayed away. I hid to survive, you know?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So here's you. You're. I guess I would say, man, is you're not broken, but you have a lot of healing to do. And here's where it is. You've been trying to roi. You've been trying to solve for that question. And our culture gives us a playbook of lies that are supposed to solve that question. What was so bad about me? What's so bad about mom? What was so bad about me? I was freaking nine. I was 13. Why did you come home so angry all the time? And culture says you can show them by making this much money. You can show them by having everybody like you. You can show them by being the go to guy when anything goes wrong. We're going to call Adam because he'll be here to solve it.

[Adam]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then you marry somebody and she thinks she won the lottery with a smooth, talking, good looking, solve everything, good grades, gonna make us some money and keep me safe guy. And then you realize all of these other things don't work. And so increasingly you put it on her shoulders to solve it. And it's. I want to have kids. Okay, cool, let's have three. I want to do this. Okay, cool. I want to move here. Cool. Let's move again because I just got a new promotion. Okay, cool. Let's do this. I want to get this car. This will help. And eventually it all comes down to you must prove that you love me. And that's. That is why the five love languages of Myers Briggs Enneagram stuff, I don't like them because they become weapons. You will do this or it will give me the. It will finally prove to me why my dad didn't love me because I'm unlovable. Because you won't even do what I'm saying or quote, unquote. What I need. And I need you to hear me say, dude, all of this stuff is an extra. You're trying to take external. External wallpaper and cover up an internal hole. It's the size of Kansas inside your chest. And I'll just tell you now she can. She can't fill it.

[Adam]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you just.

[Adam]

How do I. How do I. What do I do next?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, well, I got a couple of things for you. One is the practical. I want you to do the bravest Thing you've probably ever done. I want you to go sit with somebody and be honest. And there's some stuff that you can tell the guys that you sit at a table with. There's. You can tell something to a counselor that I promise you will make their toes curl. Fair.

[Adam]

Maybe. I don't know. You can't live a pretty boring life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And then the second part is, I want you to sit down with your wife and begin to have conversations about want play. Laughter. We often exchange excitement for joy. We think it. We're chasing this excitement. And if we're. If we're good. If we're good men, we dump all that on one purse. It's just a lot. What brings you joy? What gives you peace in your heart. Is sex a part of that? Of course it is. Is adventurous, novel sex a part of that? Of course it is. But if that's the end aim. I'm promising you not. What Nobody can hold that. We have a culture that's been melted by that message. So, yeah, a. Your wife is on. Is blessed. And it's honorable that she has a husband that just wants her all the time. But I also promise you she feels that you don't want her to be together. You want her because she's feeling it. You want her like a Xanax. And that's not sex. That's numbing. That is so I don't have to feel unloved in my own skin. And I wish there was another way other than grief demands. A witness. You sitting with another person, preferably a trained person. But maybe these guys are your guys. And you can sit down and have, like, the deep, hard. I gotta be seen. Here's a couple of easy things you can do in a day. Have the brakes and gas pedals. Conversation. I want you and your wife to read Emily Nagotsky's, um. What's the name of that book? I just lost it. Come as you Are. Come as yous Are. That's right. Y'all read that book together. Read that book together. And I want y'all to have some conversation. And it will be super, super comically awkward in. In all the best ways. Emily's a great writer, but she gets right to it, man. And I want y'all to begin to ask questions like, how can I love you? What does love look like in this moment today? And on and on and on. And the sex will come. And I'm telling you, this is wild. Sex will be different. It will be deeper and more. More fulfilling in a wild way. And it will be a what kind of sex you want to have tonight? And what are you into? And it becomes something. It becomes an act of play and an act of escape, not an act of desperation. It's the greatest sexual ever, ever, ever have. Because it won't be survival sex. It will be together. Two people, two great, great, great friends who are like, dude, it's on tonight. I'm proud of you, man, for making that call. When we get off the. When we get off the phone, I want you to pick up a phone book in your local area and I want you to call somebody. Preferably, it doesn't matter what the gender is, but call a therapist and sit down and start having those hard conversations. Today's day one, brother. We'll be right back. All right, I gotta say it. I love organifi. I love them. But I also get that some folks are skeptical about whole food powders. Are they even worth it? Right, I get it. So if any of you are still on the fence about green and red juice powders or organifi in general, or you just want a simple way to try out organifi, I got the perfect solution. The organifi starter kit. It's like if organifi released the greatest hits album, but without all the obligatory lame live tracks. In the organifi starter kit, you get seven green juice travel packs, which include your daily dose of detoxifying superfoods to boost your immune system, reduce stress, and help you feel good from the inside out. And you get seven red juice travel packs loaded with whole food goodness and antioxidants. It's an early morning and an afternoon pickup without the jitters of caffeine for a natural energy boost that helps you stay focused and feeling great. But that's not all. You also get a full month supply of essential magnesium capsules, great for muscle recovery, promoting relaxation, and supporting heart health. And to make mixing your juices even easier, the starter kit comes with an organifi shaker bottle. When I started using organifi, I noticed a difference within the first week, and I think you will too. Right now, you'll save 20% on the starter kit at Organifi.com Deloney with promo code Deloney this kit is the best way to enjoy three organifi products on the go, whether you're at the office or running errands or just hitting the gym. Go to O R G A N I F I Organifi.com Deloney and use code Deloney for 20% off their starter kit and While you're there, you can save 20% off everything else on the site. That's Organifi.com Deloney and use code Deloney. Good folks. The modern world exposes us to things that were just unheard of until a few decades ago. And I don't mean lame AI influencers or tons and tons and tons of mindless videos. I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent light EMFs. These things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bon Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bon Charge products all of the time. I literally use them every single day. And I love them. And here's why I think you'll love them, too. Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. It can help you recover from aches and pains, transform your skin, and even help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, my EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. Like I said, I use them every day. And you can also check out Bon Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, 100% sleep blackout mas masks, and more. Go to BondCharge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to save 15. That's a B O N C-H-A-R-G-E.com DeLoney BondCharge.com DeLoney and Use Coupon Code DeLoney to save 15. Go check them out. All right, we are back. What did I do? Kelly, at the end of that first call, you said, so I want you to pick up a phone book from.

[Adam]

Your local area, which no one has.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Done in 20 something years. My friend Cassie said phone books are when people used to print off parts of the Internet and put them on your front door. Pick up a phone book. Did I really say that? You did. Dude, I got old up in here real fast. Real fast. Yellow Pages, man. You kids in your Internets, y'all don't even know. You don't even know. If you wanted to call Kelly Daniel, you'd have to, like, open the phone book and there'd be 30 Daniels and you start at the top and you hope that, like, maybe their name's listed in there. Start calling Kelly there. Hello? And you hang up. It's different.

[Adam]

It was a different time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, or subscribe. Hey, man, for real Hit the subscribe button on YouTubes. All right, let's go out to. We got a couple here, but they're a long distance, so we're gonna slap it up, flip it, reverse it first and go to Virginia beach and talk to Ethan. What up, Ethan?

[Ethan]

What's up, John? How you doing, dude?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I could not be doing any better, man. How are you?

[Ethan]

I'm doing great, man.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Excellent, excellent. All right, we're gonna bring in Grace, who's in Columbia, South Carolina. Hold up. Grace, you there?

[Grace]

Hi, John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm so good. I'm good. All right. So, Ethan, I think you're the one who called in with a question and let it rip, dude. Let's get into it.

[Ethan]

Alrighty. My question is, how should we proceed in our relationship when we haven't gotten my girlfriend's parents blessing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you not got it because you haven't asked for it or did you ask for it? They said, no, I asked for it.

[Ethan]

And it was a long conversation where I feel like her mom was bashing me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude. Okay, tell me how it went.

[Ethan]

So it was around Thanksgiving, and earlier in the day I had asked her dad if I could have a conversation with him and his wife. And my girlfriend was at the table as well. And the conversation started off good. I mean, we were just talking about what everybody was doing and everything. And it got to the point in the middle of the conversation where I asked them what I needed to do in order to get their blessing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, no. I bet they give you a list, huh?

[Ethan]

No, they didn't really give. I mean, they gave me a couple things, but I felt like it was just. Her dad didn't really say too much. It was more of her mom. And she was just like, we feel like you're being manipulative toward her and you're trying to take her away from our family and some other things. And it actually went on for like an hour and a half, man. To where, like, she told me I was getting upset at what she was saying. Like, she said that she could see me getting angry and I was like, well, of course I'm gonna be a little upset. But yeah, it was like an hour and a half conversation where I really didn't say anything. Nobody was really saying much except her mom, and it was a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Was it something that you could tell had been building up for a long time?

[Ethan]

I don't know. Like, I just felt like it all came out at once.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Adam]

Why?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why did you. Why did you feel the need to ask both of them? At the table.

[Ethan]

Because I just feel like, I mean, she can speak for herself, but I think it was important for my girlfriend for. To get that blessing before we proce.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, Grace, what was your memory or experience of that, of that conversation?

[Grace]

It was definitely a hard conversation. I kind of anticipated it not going the way it went, but just maybe not having the outcome we wanted simply because there's, like, other tensions, you know, in life right now. And I'm the oldest of four. Just to give some context, how old are you? And I'm 26. I just turned 26 in January. And mine and Ethan's relationship is my first, like, long term, genuinely, like, this is gonna happen kind of thing. And on top of that, it's been long distance. So, you know, that ropes in some difficulty as far as family time and them getting to know one another and things like that. And we'll be having dated a year in April, but it's just. It's come with its own, like, good and bad at times. But going back to that conversation, I think it was a lot of fear that was like the root of that reaction.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but she, she. You would have known that mom's going to react like that because mom always reacts like that.

[Grace]

Yeah, that was my biggest fear.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So why. Why'd you set Ethan up in that. In that situation?

[Grace]

I don't think it was an. It was never an intentional. Let me set him up for this to happen the way it did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you kind of knew what was going to happen though, right?

[Grace]

I think my interfere was, what if this happens? But then on the flip side, I was like, I would hope at 26, they can see that I'm happy and we're happy and then just be in support of that and be happy for us kind of thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have they. Have they ever been supportive in that way of you?

[Grace]

I mean, I think to them, support looks like being available or being involved in a way. But I've never truly dated someone where it was like, I knew I wanted to spend life with them. Like, I wanted to have them around and, you know, pursue life with them. And so I think there was always an idea that it would be somebody familiar or somebody close to home or, you know, not necessarily, like, states away and so things being different than expected. It's just been very hard for them to, like, come to terms with that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ethan.

[Grace]

And then when it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, go ahead, go ahead. Ethan, did you. Did you feel like Grace hung you out to dry?

[Ethan]

I didn't feel like with the conversation, she hung me out to Dry. But I mean, me and her have already talked through this a little bit, but when her mom was saying all those things about me, like, she was just sitting there quiet.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's what I mean, what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah. Grace, why didn't you. Why didn't you intervene and say, whoa, whoa, stop talking about the guy that I love?

[Grace]

In all honesty, it just triggered like the little girl.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Grace]

In me. And I. Believe me, John, believe me. And I wanted to speak up, but I felt like I couldn't in a way. Like, I felt like, have you gone back in the wrong since then? Like, have I gone back and spoken up? Oh, for sure.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How did that go?

[Grace]

I know. And it was heard and it was very honest and straightforward. And I think it established a boundary that is was probably not known prior to now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Grace]

Or prior to that conversation.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They didn't. They didn't know. They didn't. They didn't know you had a backbone. They thought, she's still our little girl and she's still gonna do what we say, when we say it, how we say it. And yeah. You got kind of run over at the beginning in that conversation, which by the way, happens. I'm not. It's not a beat up. But I'm just trying to call out if I'm Ethan, I would feel like I'd keep side eyeing. You'd be like, are you gonna stand up? These are your parents and.

[Grace]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I get that. But also if you circle back and said, whoa, whoa, this never happens again. Not on my watch. You've done this to me my whole freaking life and this is over. So, Ethan, what's the root of your call, man? Trying to figure out how to move forward.

[Ethan]

Yeah. Just trying to figure out how to move forward. And if I. You think I necessarily need to ask for their blessing again? I mean, because I know that is so important to my girlfriend that we get their blessing. And another thing is her dad never really said much in the conversation. Like, I feel like that's who I really want to get my blessing from. But I feel like he was just kind of quiet sitting there, you know, So I really don't know like, how he, like, what he thinks.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man. I don't want to speak ill of him because he's not on the phone. One of two things. Either he's a complete and utter coward and didn't believe anything his wife was saying, but just doesn't want to fight her. And so he doesn't mind watching some guy get run over on his at his, at the kitchen table because it's easier to keep the peace with his out of control wife or you know exactly what he thinks of you. She just speaks for both of them. Neither of those are good.

[Ethan]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if he didn't reach back out afterwards and call you and be like, hey, dude, I'm. How that went was wrong. I'm sorry. No bueno. I'm sorry.

[Ethan]

Yeah, well, I mean the, the morning after because I mean that I was at their house. It was, the conversation probably ended at like midnight and I ended up just packing my stuff and leaving.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Ethan]

And like heading out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's exactly what I would have done.

[Ethan]

Yeah. So I just, I left and he ended up texting me the next morning early and just asked how I was doing and I told him how I felt and how everything made me feel. And he just said it was no intention for us to make you feel that way. We just, I don't know, just that, that, that kind of stuff, you know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I mean it was 100 their intention. And they got what they wanted. They wanted you to leave and they got what they wanted, which is you, to get away from their daughter for a minute.

[Ethan]

Yeah. Yeah. That was another thing her mom was saying in that conversation is she felt like I was smothering her in a way and that like we should take like, I was like, she wants to like not talk to each other and like take a break. And she was like, basically said yes. And I was like, well, I'm, I'm not gonna do that. I mean, I love her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So yeah, she doesn't really get a vote there. I, I, to me, Grace, what do you still look at searching for? Because here's the thing. I'm an old fashioned Texan. I called my wife's Texas father and asked for permission to marry his daughter. Number one, she was a grown woman and we're not in the 1300s. Right. I wasn't trading like many goats for her. Right. She wasn't his possession to quote unquote, give away. And I also, I don't know, there's, there's a, there's an old school respect thing that I just like. And so I'm all about it. I love it. And by the way, my father in law was hog hunting and he's, he's, he's one of my favorite people in the world. But he was gone. I went ahead, I talked to hurt my wife's mom, she was awesome. And said we'd be honored and whatever. My father in law called Me back that night late and said, I heard you asked my daughter to marry her. What she say? He knew. And I said, she said, yes. Got long silence. And he just said, there's not a rock small enough that you could hide under that if you hurt my daughter, I won't find you. And I was like, yes, sir. And he goes, all right. And he was. He was awesome, man. But I remember him being like, got it. Got it. I love that. I love it. There's a lot of theater in it, but I love it. But here's the thing. If you're asking for a blessing, Grace, out of this codependence, like, I've never been able to pick a class in high school, buy a car, pick an apartment, date more than two weeks without mom coming in and saying, this is what's going to happen. This is how it's going to be, or anytime I got a C on a college class, my mom was the one calling the college professor. If that was your life and you're codependently, you. You can't move forward without them nodding approval from on high, then Ethan, I would say I'd run or I'd at least take a big step back. Because Grace, it's. You're going to be asking her opinions on. She's gonna. You're gonna have a third person at your table for your entire marriage, and your marriage is going to suffer for it. If. If. Grace, you like the picture. You as a little girl, you always had this dream of the guy you were going to marry, was going to ask your dad for your handed marriage, and he was going to say yes, and they were going to punch each other in the ar. Like, I don't know. Whatever picture you had, if you just know that's what I wanted. And I totally get that. And I love it. And I hope Josephine demands that of her, the person my daughter Josephine demands that of who she mar. I hope that's the case. And it's oldfashioned and it's. I don't care. I like it. But if you're doing this because you are so uncertain about your next move, because your mom has dictated every move in your life, you're gonna have to cut that cord or you're gonna have to let Ethan go. Because when y'all. Letting him go, when y'all two say I do, you can't invite her to share your bedroom with you, and you can't invite her into your finances, and you can't invite her into your home decisions and job decisions. You can't invite her into, like, permission to send your kids to a certain school or whatever. It's got to be you and Ethan. Ride or die.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so if there's a grieving, you know, like, tell me about this blessing. What do you need from it?

[Grace]

Honestly, it's not. For me. It's not really a codependency thing. It's more so just that as their oldest daughter, I always prayed for and envisioned them having that relationship with my spouse. Significant other.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Grace]

Before they could hand that over with joy and excitement. And I can't make them feel those things. I think they do feel those things, but there's. It's a. It's a. It's coupled with grief because they see their daughter's not going to be around. Like, she always has been sure and available to them in ways that I have been. And, like, you know, life has ultimately built. Dealt my family cards in ways that. It's like, at the end of the day, all we had was family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Grace]

Like the six of us. And so that is what's hard, is drawing that line of separation.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Grace]

You know, to step away from that. And so it's like, at the end of the day, I know I love my parents, and I've. You know, I seek their wisdom and all of that, but I also know that I am an adult.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. They raised a strong, smart woman. Right. Ethan, there's not really, like a. Like a research answer to this. I'm just gonna tell you what I would do. I would reach out and call dad, and I would say, hey, I'm gonna be in town. I'm gonna come in and visit. I want to take you out for lunch. Just you and. And I would probably be pretty. Pretty direct and specific and say, the last conversation we had didn't go well. I didn't ask the question right. And I'm going to own that. I'm going to ask your daughter to marry me. And it would mean the world to me to have your support, that you and I can become friends over time, that you know that I love and care for your daughter, that you ask me any questions you want to ask me, but that we're on the same team. And I can't choose if you want to be on the same team as me. I can't choose if you like me. But I want you to know that I want to honor your relationship with your daughter. And I would be as direct, just one grown man to another grown man. And again, not the. Can I have her hand? Because she's not property. Right. She's not his to quote unquote give away. But there is a. Hey, we're joining families here. And Grace, I would go take your mom out and say, mom, this looks like this is happening. We want you on board. And also we know that. And, and by the way, this can't happen in text. This can't happen on the phone. You need to do this in person. We want you side by side. And what you said last time really hurt him, hurt him bad. And you don't have to join us in this, but man, we don't want to do life without you. And family will be family will be family. And it might be that we're in different towns in different states for a season or we might be overseas versus who knows? But y'all are always going to be our family. It's just going to look differently. And I would give them a chance and have that conversation, that direct conversation. I wish you guys the absolute, absolute best. Hang on the line. I want to give y'all a couple of tickets to the October Money and Marriage that's coming up. It we have one. We had one in in at Valentine's Day that was just off the charts. The best thing I'm a part of. But we're going to do it again in October and I'd like to invite you to, to come join us by that time. And if you want to do your just go ahead and do your wedding at Money in Marriage. That would be even dope. All right, thank you all so much for the call. We'll be right back. All right, we gotta talk about Delete Me, my go to provider for online safety, security and peace of mind. Please don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the Internets these days. All of us. I wish this wasn't the case. And the Internets don't care what I wish. Everything in my life and in your life takes place on the Internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications. We buy most of the things that we have on the Internet now. It's where so much of our lives exist. And because so much of our lives now take place on the Internet, it's simply become normal to just give away our email addresses or our phone numbers to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete me. I recently looked at the reports my friends at Delete Me have sent me. They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers that may have my personal information and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. Delete Me has saved me countless hours, days even. And they send me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of piece too. We can't really avoid living on the Internet, but we can make our personal data personal again with Delete me. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all of their plans. And that comes out to less than $9 a month. Go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney right now. That's join J-O-I n JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney all right, let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia, home of the Braves that ruined my childhood because they had all those great pictures. Talk to Emily. Hey, Emily, what's up?

[Emily]

Hey. Yeah, so I just have a question. My husband grew up in a very abusive family and it just really makes me mad, the stories and some of the mess we've been dealing with now. But I really just want to be able to look past that, forgive them, and just kind of pretend none of that happened.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want dragons to be real and I want for many.

[Emily]

Yeah, pretty much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Emily]

So pretty much a compromise between.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's no compromise.

[Emily]

And yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So when you said dealing with the mess now, what has emerged since y'all got married?

[Emily]

Just like all the mother in law stereotypes times 10. Pretty much. But interesting thing, she actually passed away this last year. So a lot of that ended of course, still some through his dad. But I'm finding myself just incredibly angry with someone who's dead and that does absolutely no good at all.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But still, real anger is a good emotion. It points us towards something that we really care about that shouldn't be the way it is.

[Emily]

Yeah, it's when.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's when we meditate and ruminate on it. How often do you have imaginary conversations with her where you just let her have it?

[Emily]

Okay. It goes through season. So I have a few days where, you know, I'm good and everything's cool. Something will happen and then it will just be like it all comes rushing in, lingers for a few days. After that few days, I'm cool. It's a cycle. Yeah, it's a cycle.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You probably heard this. Forgiveness is for you.

[Emily]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's a decision to no longer let her. This person who just hurt your. Your the man that you love more than anybody else in the world who hurt him over and over and over and over. And didn't protect him from other people hurting him. Yeah. It's a decision to no longer let her hurt him and hurt you.

[Emily]

Yeah. You know, it's true. I think so. Growing up, I was always taught forgive and forget. Forgive and forget.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Whoever says that's. That's moronic. That's just like a dumb church trope or something. They, like, stitch on a pillow at home at, like, home goods.

[Adam]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, you can't forget. It is.

[Emily]

It's so true. So, like, for a long time in our marriage, I wrestled with the whole, but if I forgive her, I'm opening myself back up to her. But I don't want to open myself back up to her because that's painful and it's terrible and it hurts. But I also know I should forgive her, but I don't want to get hurt. But I should forgive like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Okay.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm glad you're bringing this up. So forgiveness does not mean I have to hang out with you ever again. Forgiveness doesn't mean I have to talk to you. I have to engage with you. Forgiveness doesn't mean anything like that. Forgiveness simply means think of what happened. Like a cinder block, all the trauma. What did she. What? Give me some examples of stuff she did to him and his dad.

[Emily]

Okay, so just like excessive beatings.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Emily]

In the name of discipline. To the point where my husband would black out. They would spank him on the head. So, yeah. Like, he has seizures and his neurologist thinks it was from all of the head trauma as a child.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have your own kids?

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are they?

[Emily]

Four and one.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And do you ever have a moment with your four year old where you just look at them? Those, like, four year olds are kind of the best because they're over that. People say terrible twos. I think three is way worse. But they have.

[Emily]

That they have.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They have the fours where they're able to go. Go to the bathroom by themselves, but their eyes are still wide with wonder. And if you get. You have those occasional moments when you look and think, how could anyone hit?

[Emily]

Exactly. Especially a parent. My job is to, like, pull out and beat up anyone that would do that to him. Not, yeah, do it to him. So. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Who in your life didn't show up for you?

[Emily]

Well, my immediate family is awesome, so they're all great. So, like, I grew up in a church, and it was the church I grew up in. Like, we had a man that was like our youth pastor, principal, all of those things. And he was honestly a jerk. So I guess that could be one where he.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does that be like a jerk? Like he was inappropriate with the young women in the. In the group jerk. Like he swore at you and gave you bad theology.

[Emily]

Yeah, that too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, okay, hold on, hold on.

[Emily]

Hyper, controlling.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's not a jerk.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's an absolute child predator. He's a scumbag.

[Emily]

Yeah, yeah, he was, he was a major flirt and used his control and all sorts of crazy ways and he would flirt with the teenage girls and then also like at the same time get on them for not. Not being feminine enough. That was one thing. Because I didn't wear enough dresses, so he got on me for that while at the same time flirting with me. So, yeah, that's probably the most person who let me down in life, I would say.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, they didn't let you down. They abused you too.

[Emily]

Yeah, I guess you could say that too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They used you too. Now listen to me, this is where this gets terrifying. In a home with great parents who don't know this is going on. And I'm not letting them off the hook because I think the whole youth ministry thing is its own catastrophe. But that's a whole other thing.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When you're a 13 year old girl and you have a guy with spiritual authority over you who is both, you know it. He knows that everybody can feel the sexual tension that he is putting on a child and at the same time telling you to get more sexy and at the same time telling you if you make, quote unquote, make a grown man feel these ways that you somehow are right, are responsible for his. All that nonsense.

[Emily]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

As a 12 year old, as a 13 year old, as a 19 year old, as a 25 year old, you're. You learn really young. I gotta bury this because I'm gonna end up killing somebody.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what I don't want you to do is be led by that power that, that 12 year old girl who's totally powerless. And now that you have bigger muscles, right, you're bigger and you don't put up with that crap anymore that you're going to try to exercise that demon with this dead mother in law.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And my guess is you're being. You're telling me only some of it.

[Emily]

Yeah. If I told you everything, we'd be here for hours and hours and hours. So it's kind of like. Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you have a sense of justice inside your, your heart and your chest that I think is so good And. Right. But that sense of justice also comes because you had to protect yourself because no one else would. No one else did. And so in a strange, awful way, that scumbag piece of crap child molesting youth minister and the abusive mother who beat your husband into unconsciousness when he was a young kid, both of them every single day, have a seat at your dinner table.

[Emily]

Yeah, they're still here with me even though they're not with me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right, yeah.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so that's when you know, that's when you knock on the door to a trauma therapist and say, I need to let two people go. And if that guy is still working with young people, then it's time to make that, put that call in.

[Emily]

He's actually the pastor now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I would make that call, but that's just me. That's easy for me to do. And I'm a big, humongous, 6 foot 2 Texas male, so it's easy for me to say, I'm not going to tell you what to do. But if he still has access to kids and to other people of influence, then I want those people gone. I want them out of churches. I want to be gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

[Emily]

Yeah. So I guess you know my mother in law's passed away, but have you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Written her a letter?

[Emily]

In law isn't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't. Your father didn't get a vote. Your father in law shouldn't be in your home. Your father in law shouldn't be like at holidays. Father in law cashed out.

[Emily]

Okay. Yeah, there's definitely still a relationship there, which is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, your husband's a grown man, but at some point you're trying to prop up a fantasy that those kids need a granddad. No, they don't need. Not that one.

[Emily]

Yeah, yeah, no, I get it. I think something growing up with like a very religious background is almost grace for everyone else except for yourself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Emily]

So you know, grace for him and I know something my husband's wrestled with. What is, is that kind, is it right to. He's, he's in a much better place now, but for years, you know, we were entertaining them, having them in our house and while also kind of taking a beating verbally. Not physically at that point, but a verbal beating for doing it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I want you and your husband to wipe the table clean. I want you to like. And I, I say this, like, kind of joking, but it helps. Like in this, it helps to have the physical act. Okay. I want you to get a whole bunch of kids toys. I want you to send your kids out to a babysitter's house. I don't want you get a whole bunch of kids toys. And I say that just because they're. If you break them, that's okay. I know you pile them up on the kitchen table. I don't want you to sit on one side and your husband to sit on the other. And I want both of you in one fell, swooped act to swipe the table completely clean. And it's a symbol. It's an act. It's like a wedding or a funeral. It's a. It's a. It's an act between the two of you. We are clearing the table. And I want you to hear everything crash on the floor. I want you there to be a mess on the floor. I want all to just fall. All that.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then I want you to look at each other and say, you and I get to decide how we feel inside this house moving forward.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What do we want that to feel like?

[Emily]

A sanctuary where no one. Who's not going to promote that feeling and that safety. No one comes in.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. And if you're not being honest with your husband about that, then you start keeping secrets. And then he feels a distance from you, and then he tries to solve you see what I'm saying? It just creates this hole.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And let me just free you from some things. Grace does not mean. Grace means I forgive you. Grace means go be well. That does not mean you get to have access back into my house.

[Emily]

Yeah. It's two different things.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's two completely different things. Forgiveness is not for them. It's for you.

[Emily]

Yeah. So I can stop having these conversations in my head.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Because your body doesn't know the difference. Your body thinks every time you spin up one of those conversations that mom's at the door again.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to write a letter. And I want you to ask your husband to write a letter to mom. You'll read it to each other, and you go outside and put them in the brio. And put them in the fire pit and let it be done. Like I'm gonna write. I'm gonna say the things I need to say one last time and then go and move on.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because if your faith is. Is what you believe it to be, she's getting hers, right?

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let it go. Because I'm not. I'm not. Either that or I want you to take the extra step of framing a picture of her and just bringing it to the dinner table every night. Just sit it right. Make her a seat at the table. Because that's what y'all are doing.

[Emily]

It's. It's very true. Because I just. I want to be able to focus on my kids, focus on my husband.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's not. That's not true.

[Emily]

And not me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You don't want that.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You want to want that.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What you really want is to go vindicate your husband with his parents because nobody vindicated for you.

[Emily]

Yeah, I want. Sometimes it irritates me. She's dead and justice never happened.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Emily]

So. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I know you've got a lot of religious trauma baggage, but do you still. Are you still a person of faith?

[Emily]

I am. It just looks a lot different now than it did growing up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

As it should fall in church, but as it should for all of us. But.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Then whatever your. Your faith background is, justice is being served. Fair.

[Emily]

I'm not sure I understand how, like, how is it being. Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. There you go. Can I tell you. Can I tell you the greatest middle finger?

[Emily]

M. What?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Y'all go raise amazing kids.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That have no idea of what it feels like to have parents that. That don't go to. Don't go to war for their kids.

[Emily]

Very true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Raise kids that know they can always come home no matter what they do. Raise kids that fully understand. I'm not going to outsource your spiritual Life to some 22 year old kid. Raise kids who know if you spill the milk in the house, we're gonna laugh. You gotta pick. You gotta clean it up, but we're gonna laugh about it.

[Emily]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Raise those kids. That's the biggest middle finger. I'm gonna change my family tree. That's the greatest rebellion is joy, kindness.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here's what. Here's what healing is. Forgive and forget is bull crap. It's not real. It's not true. It's just. It's just. It's a. It's a dangerous trope. Healing is. When I think about it happening, my body doesn't respond as though mother in law's banging on the door to come in.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's what he.

[Emily]

I can just, when it comes in my mind, just be like, okay, that's done. And then move on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can just think sick. Poor woman. And you're going about your day because she doesn't get to impact how you deal with your kids. She doesn't get to impact the way you love your husband. And every time your husband has a seizure, I'M not giving her that.

[Emily]

Yeah. Because that's one of those things where when that happens, I then for days. And. Yeah. Thinking this wouldn't be happening to us if it weren't for her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's a way that you don't deal with the reality that you married an amazing guy who also has seizures. Let's just deal with that.

[Emily]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, this. I'm making it sound easy. It took me about 10 years to get here, and I still have. I still have days. Right. It's not. It's not like it just all goes away, but this is the work. This is the. This is the work. And so at the same time, after you and your husband read the letters that y'all write to. To each other. So here's what I want you to do. This, the table swiping exercise. I want you to each come to the table with five or ten things that you want your house to feel like. And then y'all gonna talk about how we can do this. Oh, if that's the case, then dad can't ever come over here anymore. Yep. If that's the case, we're not. We're doing Christmas in a small like State park because that's all we can afford, but we're not doing it with the whole family again. Yep. I want you all to do that exercise. Swipe the table clean, and then I want you to write that letter to mom and be done with her. Or frame a picture of her and put her at the kitchen table and start making her a seat, because that's where she is anyway. The second thing I want you to do is I want y'all both to write a letter to your kids, Dear kids, for when they are 21 and 25, I think is what you said. Here's the work we did for y'all, and I want you to read that letter to each other. It's a commitment letter for you and your husband to each other that we're now moving forward. We're not going to continue to look back, look back, look back. He's got some healing to do. By the way, he needs to go see a trauma counselor. You need to go see a trauma counselor. You need to consider talking to somebody who in. In authority. If this pastor still has access to kids and God, I hope. Dude, a few things get me more raged out than that, but we're going to start moving forward. I'm gonna set the bricks down if you want to. It's an exercise. I've given a lot of people. And it's, it's astonishing how successful they tell me it's been. Go to Home Depot or Lowe's and buy a cinder block and put a piece of duct tape on it and write your mother in law's name on it and just carry it around your house for a while. Carry around your house, carry it around in your backyard. Just keep carrying it and carrying it until your hands feel like they're on fire and they're going to burst. And then you throw it down in the backyard or go throw it down in the woods somewhere, tear off the duct tape, throw it in the trash and say out loud, I'm never carrying your sins again. I'm not carrying your abuse anymore. I'm done. And there's a physical act that you can always point back to. So whenever your body spins up, you can go, no, no, no, I set that down. I set that one down. And that is the path out of victimhood. It's the path to freedom. Thanks for the call, Emily. Super, super grateful for you. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent. We're right in the middle of it. Lent is the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter. And it's when Christians all commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things, and they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering, prayer and meditation. Right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called the Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus. And that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing throughout the Way. You'll hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Roumie of the Chosen, Chris Pratt and Mark Wahlberg. And you'll be invited to participate in experiencing life Change yourself. Plus, you can check out Hallow's lint challenge for kids called the Little Way. It's a fun, meaningful adventure for the whole family, as y'all will follow along with two kids learning to live out gratitude every day. And this is just a tiny bit of what Hallow offers. Hallow has an enormous catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more. And when you sign [e-mail] Deloney, you'll get three months for free. And that means you're covered all through Lent and beyond. Go check out [e-mail] DeLoney that's H A L L O-W.com DeLoney for three months for free. All right, we're back here's a question from the Money in Marriage weekend getaway. The marriage retreat that me and my friend Rachel Cruz put on. That is. I'm kind of biased, but it's the best marriage retreat in the world. Here's the question. How do you combine finances but still have your own bank accounts? We were both previously married to spenders who kept us broke and in debt. So I am a 100% all the time, always. That's not true. I always say stuff like that, and then I immediately think of, like, an exception. Married couples should combine finances unless there is. There is abuse or infidelity, like financial infidelity. But married couples should have one checking account that they both live out of. And it's astonishing to me how many people make humans. Make humans. They share their DNA, but they don't share bank accounts. That's my money. That's his money. My friend George tells some. I got some great jokes about, like, dude, if you venmo your wife for the light bill, your marriage is in trouble. If, if you, if you're like, no, no, you get the. You get dinner tonight and I'll get the. The water bill, your marriage is in trouble because you're operating on two different spheres. Your roommates. Your roommates. Married couples should share finances. And there's a reality that if money was used as a way to keep you down, if money was. If somebody exerted power over you in a previous relationship by. They kept all the money, you didn't know where it was, they wouldn't let you pay, they took out credit cards, you name it. Man, that trauma is real. It's scary. But if you get remarried, but you each have one foot out of the boat, that's where you get those statistics that the. The statistically, it's. You're statistically more likely to fail in a second marriage too. And it makes sense. But most people don't go all the way in the boat. If you get married again, you have to risk getting hurt again. And that means you have to risk sharing bank accounts again. You can't get remarried and only go part way. So what? How do you do this? You sit down and you're very honest. Here's what happened to me. What happened to you. Let's come up with some things that must be true for us. Like, these are ways that we can establish trust when it comes to finances. This isn't a pitch. I love the Every Dollar app because both me and my wife have it. When I spend something, it shows up on her phone. There's no hiding. There's no, like, oh, secret. There's just not. Just not. And it keeps you on the same page. And if you're talking about your money, then you're probably talking about your calendar. And if you're talking about your calendar, you're probably talking about, hey, who's picking up who? And how are we doing this? And let's put sex on the calendar and when's parents. It just keeps you completely aligned and connected moving forward. So this is like the conversation about past relationship hurts. Those are. Those are traffic signals of conversations you need to head towards. You got to head into those things, not around them. Not around them. So how do you combine finances? You get one checking account and you say, I'm all in. Are you all in? And here's what must be true. I wish it was. I wish it was, like, more complicated than that. But it's not. It's people being honest. Whoa. I'm starting to feel. I'm starting to feel. I'm starting to get feel. Be honest. Be honest. Be honest. Be honest. Then you all act in accordance together. You'll have a great day. Love you guys. Like and subscribe. Peace.