I Overheard My Mom Bad-Mouthing My Wife

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John DeLoney Show – "I Overheard My Mom Bad-Mouthing My Wife"

Release Date: August 11, 2025

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Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, hosted by Ramsey Network, real callers share their personal struggles related to relationships and mental health. Dr. John DeLoney, alongside his co-host Jon, provides compassionate advice drawn from over two decades of experience. This episode delves into themes of trust, forgiveness, and personal growth as callers seek guidance on navigating complex interpersonal dynamics.

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1. Chris from Raleigh, North Carolina: Overhearing Negative Conversations About His Wife

Issue Presented:
Chris shares a distressing experience where he accidentally overheard his aunt and mother criticizing his wife during a mistaken phone call. The conversation lasted eight minutes, during which his relatives disparaged his wife's work ethic and parenting, attributing her behavior to unfounded mental illness.

Key Discussion Points:

• Accidental Discovery:
  [00:05] Chris recounts, "I heard my wife's name in the background and realized it was a butt dial."

• Emotional Impact:
  Chris expresses feelings of betrayal and frustration upon hearing his family's negative remarks about his marriage.

• Advice from Dr. John DeLoney and Jon:

  • Integrity and Response:
    [04:00] Jon advises, "Continue to be a person of integrity and dignity and respect in your response."

  • Setting Boundaries:
    [05:46] Chris considers informing his wife about the incident to maintain honesty without overwhelming her with the details that could trigger her mental health challenges.

  • Confronting Relatives:
    [04:38] Jon suggests, "Sit down and say, 'Hey, I heard y’all talking about my wife,'" emphasizing the importance of addressing the issue directly to uphold respect and integrity.

• Notable Quotes:
  "[03:13] Jon: There's a lot here, man. I guess first out of the bag, I personally, and I'm sure there's different opinions on this. I don't think you're a bad guy for listening when you heard your name."

  "[08:00] Jon: But knowing your aunt, your mom, how would that go?"

Conclusion for Chris's Call:
Chris is encouraged to balance honesty with compassion, protecting his wife while addressing the disrespectful behavior of his family. Establishing clear boundaries and maintaining open communication with his spouse are pivotal steps towards preserving his marriage amidst familial discord.

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2. Nate from Jacksonville, Florida: Rebuilding Trust After Honesty About Personal Struggles

Issue Presented:
Nate discusses the aftermath of confessing his addiction to pornography to his fiancée, leading to her temporary rejection and subsequent reconciliation efforts. Sixteen months into the relationship, Nate seeks advice on rebuilding trust and fostering a healthier dynamic.

Key Discussion Points:

• Admission of Fault:
  [17:38] Nate admits, "I had gone to strip clubs and didn't tell her that they were strip clubs. I lied about that."

• Impact of Dishonesty:
  Nate explains how his continual dishonesty eroded the foundation of trust in his relationship, even after his initial confession.

• Advice from Dr. John DeLoney and Jon:

  • Self-Reflection and Responsibility:
    [21:15] Jon emphasizes, "Why do you like you, dude?"

  • Honesty and Integrity:
    [22:21] Jon advises, "Practice not lying anymore. That means you're going to have to have all of your little bitty shortcomings exposed in rapid succession."

  • Financial Transparency:
    [25:07] Jon challenges Nate, "If you live in a three thousand dollar a month apartment, you make sixty grand a year. You're lying to your friends and family about how you're doing."

• Notable Quotes:
  "[18:16] Jon: You don't have to... There's something about just saying it, dude."

  "[20:23] Jon: So I don't know that you're like, making amends for past mistakes."

Conclusion for Nate's Call:
Nate is guided to embrace complete honesty, both with himself and his partner, to rebuild trust. By addressing not only major lies but also minor deceptions, Nate can foster a more authentic and supportive relationship, ultimately moving beyond past mistakes towards a healthier future together.

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3. Samantha from Dayton, Ohio: Navigating Disclosure of Past DUI Convictions in New Relationships

Issue Presented:
Samantha seeks advice on how to disclose her history of three DUI convictions and a felony record to potential romantic partners. Despite eight years of sobriety, she faces ongoing rejection in employment and relationships due to her past, leading to feelings of isolation and frustration.

Key Discussion Points:

• Disclosure Dilemma:
  [29:45] Samantha asks, "When do I share it? And is it just how I share it?"

• Impact of Past on Present:
  Samantha explains how her convictions have hindered her career prospects and romantic endeavors, often leading to her withholding her past due to fear of rejection.

• Advice from Dr. John DeLoney and Jon:

  • Self-Forgiveness and Confidence:
    [33:11] Jon advises, "You have to decide. I'm not going to judge me as harshly as my community has judged me."

  • Honest Communication:
    [35:04] Jon emphasizes the importance of honesty, stating, "If you share it with confidence as a part of your past and not your future, people will judge you appropriately."

  • Rebuilding Through Action:
    [37:10] Jon encourages Samantha to focus on her achievements, such as her sobriety and education, to redefine her narrative: "Ten years ago, I was a mess. Here's my eight-year coin."

• Notable Quotes:
  "[33:35] Samantha: I feel like my community and where I'm from, they've really held it as a taboo."

  "[43:24] Jon: There's not a date or time."

Conclusion for Samantha's Call:
Samantha is encouraged to embrace her past as part of her journey without allowing it to define her entire identity. By confidently sharing her story and focusing on her personal growth and achievements, she can foster more genuine connections and overcome the stigmas associated with her past convictions.

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Final Thoughts

This episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show poignantly addresses the challenges of dealing with deceit within personal relationships and the struggles of overcoming a tarnished past. Through compassionate dialogue and practical advice, Dr. John DeLoney empowers listeners to navigate their emotional landscapes with integrity and resilience.

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Note: Advertisements, promotional segments, and non-content sections have been omitted to focus solely on the core discussions and advice provided during the episode.

Transcript

[Chris]

I was doing some side work for my aunt. She had been calling me all day and one of the times that she called it ended up being a butt dial. I heard my wife's name, so it was an eight minute conversation that I listened to.

[Jon]

Damn, Gina. Thank you, dude, they went after your wife. Woo.

[Samantha]

What's up?

[Jon]

This is Jon. Dr. John DeLoney Show. Taking your calls from all over planet earth. Real people going through real tough stuff. And my promise is I'll sit here with you. I've been sitting with hurting people for more than two decades trying to figure out what's the next right move. You want to be on the show? Go to John Deloney. D L O n y John Deloney dot com. Ask a s k. Let's go out to Raleigh, North Carolina and talk to Chris. What's up, Chris?

[Chris]

Hey, Dr. John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How are you?

[Jon]

I'm good, brother. What's up with you?

[Chris]

Oh, man, I'm just trying not to sweat my butt off out here.

[Jon]

It's hot, it's hot. You want to keep your butt, that's an important part of human anatomy. But yeah, it is hot, right? It's hot, hot, hot. What's up, man?

[Chris]

Well, I'll just kind of get right into my question. I was doing some, some side work, some, some extra work on the weekends and I was working for my aunt and she'd been calling me all day just to kind of check in and see how the work was going. And that she called it, ended up being a butt dial and picked it up, said, hello, and I heard my name, and then I heard my wife's name in the background and realized it was a butt dial. And so I thought, okay, maybe I should hang up. But then hearing my name and my wife.

[Jon]

We got to keep listening to this one.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris]

So it was an eight minute conversation that I listened to and it was basically my aunt and my mother talking about what my wife and I should do differently, about how my wife should work more, about how she should just get over the mental illness that she deals with and how she, you know, there are just better ways that she could parent our kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And.

[Jon]

Gina, they. Dude, they went after your wife.

[Chris]

They did, yeah. What an unfortunate. I'm not real happy about it.

[Jon]

No. Did you say anything?

[Chris]

So I didn't. So eventually what ended up happening is I heard somebody pick up the phone and say, oh, crap. And then they said, chris, are you there? And I totally ignored it, acting like I wasn't there. And then they hung up and like five minutes later, they called back and like, hey, I'm just checking in to see how things are going. And I acted like it was totally fine.

[Jon]

Oh, no, you didn't.

[Chris]

Okay, I did. Just because I, I've been through some things in life, and I know that my gut reaction is not the one that I should listen to, so.

[Jon]

Me too. Good for you. Good for you. Good for you.

[Chris]

So I decided to write into the show and, and get your advice on it.

[Jon]

There's a lot here, man. I guess first out of the bag, I personally, and I'm sure there's different opinions on this. I, I, I don't think you're a bad guy for listening when you heard your name. I don't know, I, I would have, I don't know if there's a right or wrong or maybe it's wrong, but I have a rule that whenever I pick up the phone and I hear somebody's butt dialed, I immediately hang up because I, I just, if you don't want to talk to me, I don't want to hear it. But if I pick up the phone and someone had butt dialed and I heard them say my name, I would definitely listen. So I guess maybe past right or wrong, you're human for having listened. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Jon]

The bigger deal is it doesn't matter. You have that information now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right?

[Jon]

And so I guess you have to deal with the fact that your aunt, your mom are talking crap about you and talking crap about your wife, talking crap about your marriage, and I guess you get to decide what you do next. The only thing I would ask you is to continue to be a person of integrity and dignity and respect in your response.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Jon]

And what that means is don't pretend it didn't happen. If you choose to not associate with your aunt anymore or with your mom anymore, at least be of the courage and the integrity to tell them why.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Jon]

Or if you want to confront them and sit down and say, hey, I heard y' all talking about my wife. Like, let's just be open about this. And I mean, well, I, Knowing your aunt, your mom, how would that go?

[Chris]

Justification would, would be the immediate response.

[Jon]

Tell me, what's that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is.

[Chris]

So they would be like, oh, well, we didn't mean it that way. That's not what we said. That's, you know, we don't mean any harm or ill will to, towards you or your wife. You know, we were, we were just talking because we want what's best for you and we know how hard you work, and we just feel like she could work harder. And these are things that I've. That I've heard before.

[Jon]

Sure.

[Chris]

From them.

[Jon]

Okay.

[Chris]

This is not the first time. It just. This is the first time that I've happened to hear them talk about it when nobody else was around.

[Jon]

Yeah. So let's leave them out of this for a second and let's not them, let them dictate. What's the next right move for you? So I'll ask you, what's the next right move for. For you and your wife?

[Chris]

The next right move would probably be to put up. Well, my next right move would probably be to tell my wife that this happened.

[Jon]

Okay.

[Chris]

So she doesn't even know that this happened. And that's kind of my way of protecting her because she does have a lot of mental health challenges going on, a lot of them surrounding self worth. And for me to go and tell her these things would probably not be the best idea.

[Jon]

Okay.

[Chris]

After that.

[Jon]

Let me, let me, let me pause you right there. Tell me about. Because here's the thing. I'm not going to let two other people drop a bomb in my marriage. And for you, that marriage, that bomb is a secret. And somebody struggling with selfworth it can be incredibly attuned to their partner hiding something from them. And they will backfill that. What they perceive that gap to be that, that secret, that hole in the relationship with all kind of wild stories. And so in a way, keeping secrets can be cruel. At the same time, let's. Let's use a totally different example. Let's say I'm gonna take it away from your wife just to make it so I can be obnoxious. Let's say you had a buddy, like a dude buddy named Dan. Okay. And let's say Dan was 400 pounds overweight and another couple of your buddies butt dialed you and heard you and they were just making fun of you. He's so fat. Oh my gosh, he's the fattest guy. Sick. He's gross, Whatever. And then you were in with Dan and Dan said, hey, I'm call the guys and bring him over. There would be a way you could say that to him, that he would get the picture, that you wouldn't have to bury him and you could hurt him with the precise truth or you could very much tell him the truth without burying him. You get what I'm saying?

[Chris]

Yes.

[Jon]

And so I would recommend if you're. Especially if your wife's in a fragile emotional state or she's working, like right in the middle of working on her Mental health challenges. She ain't got anxiety, depression where she's struggling with.

[Chris]

Yeah, anxiety and depression.

[Jon]

Okay.

[Chris]

And. And she's, she's getting ready to get tested for bipolar.

[Jon]

Okay. Is she seeing somebody?

[Chris]

She is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's.

[Chris]

It's a once a month thing right now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We're.

[Chris]

We're looking to work our finances out so that she can go more often.

[Jon]

Okay. Make that a high priority. And I think there's a way to sit down and say, hey, listen, here's the deal. My aunt and my mom butt dialed me, and I'm not gonna go into specifics, but they said some ugly things about how I'm choosing to live my life and people I love and care about. So I'm putting up some boundaries. Oh my gosh. What did they say? Did they say something about me? Like, I'm not getting any of the details. I don't want to go back and rehash all that, but I'm putting up some details because I heard some things that I didn't care for. What they said. There's that, or there is. They told. They said that you need to get off your butt and work more. You see what I'm saying? And one of those will tailspin her, and one of those may be painful for her because she'll know by inference, but she will be spared the, the, the barbed wire of those details.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Jon]

But there's a way to make yourself feel better and almost empower yourself and unite with her against your aunt, your mother, by being very specific. But man, if she's in a delicate situation, she's getting bipolar. That, that tells me that she's really struggling right now, right?

[Chris]

Yes, very much so.

[Jon]

Yeah. And does she know in the past that aunt and mom have said things about her or don't? Like how y' all are doing. You're deciding to live your lives.

[Chris]

No, it's been more. We set up boundaries when we first started having kids that, you know, each of us would take the lead at our respective family's houses. And so, you know, when we're over at her family's house, she would be the one that kind of would lay the boundaries down with, with the in laws and I would do the same thing with my family. And so, like, if there was anything that happened that went wrong, I would be the one to take care of it at my house or my parents house, and she would be the one to take care of at her parents house. And then we'd come together afterwards and talk about what happened and, and what Needs to change. And what would be different?

[Jon]

Okay, tell me how your wife. So if my wife came home and said, I overheard somebody saying something about you and us and it disgust me, we're not hanging out with him anymore, I would go stone insane until she finally told me what they said. If I came home and told my wife, hey, this person said some gross stuff about me and you. We're not hanging out with them anymore. I'm. I don't want to talk about it. My wife would never ask another question. She would say, like, I trust you to. If I don't need to hear it, I don't want to hear it. How is your wife? Yeah, she like me or she like my wife?

[Chris]

She. She would be like, that's fine. I don't need to hear it.

[Jon]

Oh, that's awesome. Good for you, man. Maybe that's. Then maybe she's wise like my wife and not immature like me. But, like, that's where I would leave it, man. I wouldn't go too deep on it. So what. What does boundaries mean for you all too?

[Chris]

So as far as family goes.

[Jon]

Yep.

[Chris]

So we've. We've already set up some pretty. Some pretty good boundaries with. With my family. Just because this has happened before. Again, just with them talking poorly about others, you know? So like, if there are family get togethers, we kind of take it on a moment by moment basis. And if it comes day of and we just kind of get this feeling that today is not a good day, we're just. We're going to say, hey, today's not a good day for us. We're not coming over. You know, we don't even do Christmas with the family. We don't do. We'll do Thanksgiving every other year. We kind of swap off with. With the in laws. So there's already some pretty. Some pretty good firm boundaries in place. And they are tested.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They.

[Chris]

I won't say that they're. That they're perfect, but they are tested. But we do our best to hold as firm as we can with them.

[Jon]

Very cool. If this was me, I would probably sit down and talk to my mom about it. Unless my mom was someone who couldn't hear it or someone who's unstable.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Jon]

That's just me. And the reason I would do that is not to one up my mom or try to gain a power position. I would want to be honest about why the dynamic of our relationship will is going to continue to further change. And I cannot control her. I cannot control Ant. You can't control what they're talking about you can't control what they think about your wife and whatever. I can control my calmness. I can control my honesty and my integrity, and I want to try to uphold that the best I can.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Jon]

But I hate this for you, dude. Sorry, man.

[Chris]

I. I appreciate it. Thank you. Yeah, it's a sucky situation.

[Jon]

Yeah. But I mean. Yeah, and unfortunately, with technology, I mean, you accidentally get cc'd on an email, you accidentally text the wrong person. I've done all three of these things, by the way, and that's where I've tried to develop a lot of grace. If I start reading an email that it's not for me, I just instantly delete it because I'm hoping that somebody does that for me someday. Or if I. Again, if somebody. If I pick up the phone and I clearly somebody's butt dealt, I just. I stop it immediately because I know I have been talking about stuff and I've actually butt dialed people before, and I just hope they'll treat me with grace too, so. But here we are, man. You heard your name called and you listened to it, and I think you've got to act on it. But taking care of your wife and being honest at the same time is a. Is a delicate balance. But there's a way to be honest with your wife and not weaponize the truth with all those jagged edges of what was said. Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And.

[Jon]

And if your mom can hear it, man, we sit down and say, hey, Mom, I heard this, and it breaks my heart. We're working really hard, and I love my wife, and I'm gonna ask you not to talk about us, but she can do whatever she wants. And if you do stop going over there more, stop being around the family more, etc. I think it's worth being honest about it and doesn't have to be a long, drawn out conversation. You already know exactly what they're gonna say. So it's more about you just standing up for yourself and standing up for your wife and remaining a person of dignity and respect. But thanks for the call, my brother. Appreciate you reaching out. That'. Geez, that's a bum deal, man. We come back, a man asks how to handle his ex fiance wanting to date again. All right, it's time to talk about Helix. Summer's here, the sun's up earlier, school's out, but we're already planning for the new school year. I cannot even believe that. And kids are bouncing off the wall. And if you're like me, everything in your life is just Kind of chaos. It's chaos. And when that happens, what's the first thing that tanks our sleep? We stay up too late. We get up too early. I'm going to be honest with you. When I'm not sleeping well, I got a short fuse with my wife. I can be grumpy with my kids, and everything just feels harder than it should. Listen, sleep isn't just about rest. It's about showing up the next day as the kind of person you want to be. And it's the kind of person your friends and your colleagues and your family needs you to be. And that is why I sleep on a Helix mattress. I've tried all kinds of mattresses. Mattresses that were too soft, too stiff. They had weird memory foam stuff. Listen, I've tried them all. But Helix matched me with the perfect mattress based on how I sleep and how my wife sleeps. They've even got options for couples who need different feels on the same bed. It's incredible. I want you to take the Helix Sleep quiz. I took it, and it's great. And it takes, like two minutes. And they're going to match you with the right mattress just for you. And right now, my audience gets early access to their labor day sale. For 20% off site wide, go to helix sleep.com DeLoney and get 20% off your entire order. That's helix sleep.com DeLoney with Helix. Better Sleep starts right now. All right, Jacksonville, Florida. Let's talk to Nate. Dog. What's up, Nathan?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dr. John, how you doing, sir?

[Jon]

Good, brother. What's up with you, man?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Man, I'm. I'm good. Nothing much.

[Jon]

That's awesome. What's up?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, so I. Yeah. First of all, I mean, thank you so much for taking my call today. It's really an honor and a blessing to talk to you, but I'm dealing with a little bit of grief here with the current situation I'm in. And so I'm wondering, you know, how do I go about building a new relationship with my partner and kind of come to terms with the wrongs that I've done and in our past relationship, what happened? So it's definitely a unique situation. We were together for about four years, and we were engaged. And in March, she came to me and told me that she was not happy and she didn't want to get married to me anymore. And a week later, she had a moving truck ready to move out of the apartment and move into her new apartment and told me that she didn't want any contact, no communication. And so I was trying to navigate as a single guy, and three weeks later, she reached back out and said she had a change of heart and wanted to date again. And of course, I reached out, and I. I wanted to make it work. And so we have been having some conversations and really deep talks about what happened and how we go from here, and I think we are reconnecting, and we're in a better place emotionally, and I think that kind of.

[Jon]

You still haven't told me what happened, though. What'd you do?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I had gone to strip clubs and didn't tell her that they were strip clubs.

[Jon]

Did you tell her they weren't strip clubs?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Jon]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I did. So I lied about that. I was addicted to. To pornography, and I lied about that and didn't tell her that I was struggling. And so.

[Jon]

Hold on. I want you to exhale for a second. I want you to sit in this for a second.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jon]

Exhale for a second. Tell me it doesn't feel better to be free of that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, it does.

[Jon]

Okay. You don't have to. I mean, there's a. There's millions of people who will hear this, right? But, like, you don't have to hide from me. Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Jon]

There's something about just saying it, dude. Okay. You are not who you used you wanted to be years ago. I wasn't either. None of us were. And there's something about just exhaling to say it so we can get on to how do we heal and build something new. Did you ever cheat on her?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No. No, sir.

[Jon]

Okay. And so did she find out about this while y' all were engaged?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, sir. I. I came clean and. And just owned up to it all.

[Jon]

Okay, and how did she take that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It was. It was tough at first. I think she was kind of confused on how she felt, and she took a couple days to think about it. And this was. I came clean in December of 2024. Kind of let it all on the table, and, you know, she took some time to think about it and told me that she didn't want to leave and she wanted to continue and press on with me.

[Jon]

Okay, so what happened? That finally she just said, I can't go through with this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think the lies were. Were bad for my character. I definitely think that.

[Jon]

I know, but, like. But if she stayed for 18 more months, that tells me that you continue to lie about little stuff all the time anyway. Is that true?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Jon]

Okay. Because if she. If she heard you and said, all right, you did this thing a couple years ago, I don't like it. You lied to me. But I'm all in. I'm staying. I trust you. And you're gonna always tell me the truth. You're like, yep, I'm all in. Cool. 18 months later, unless she's getting breadcrumbs of this dude is still the same guy. He just circles the truth, doesn't come clean. Just always has kind of got a. A roundabout way of trying to gloss things over. Her just saying, hey, I can't trust this guy to. To anchor into and build a life with. Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Jon]

Yeah. So I don't know that you're like, making amends for past mistakes. If. If 18 months ago you dumped it on the table and said, dude, all those times I told you I was just like going to Chili's, I was actually a strip clubs. And all those times I was doing xyz, I was out smoking weed with my buddies. And like, if you were honest and poured it all out there, then we're here. And if you live in a state of deficit like I owe you now, you'll never catch up because you're score keeping.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, right.

[Jon]

She'll. She'll feel more like a mother than. Than a girlfriend, Fiance, wife. Yeah, but how do you rebuild your relationship? First and foremost, dude, you have to get over whatever it is about Nathan you don't like. Yeah, like, you don't like you, dude. Why?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just, I. I think I'm falling into the patterns of my. Of my biological father.

[Jon]

Okay, let's. Let's leave him out of this. Did he bail on you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Jon]

All right, let's don't bring him back to the table and start pointing fingers at him. Let's just deal with the dude in the mirror. Why don't you like you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Not who I want to be.

[Jon]

Okay, who do you want to be?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want to be. I want to be a good husband one day. I want to be honorable. I want to be honest. I want to be loyal and trustworthy.

[Jon]

Okay, what does. What does being deceptive about things get you? Now? If you have five beers and end up in the backseat of a car and everybody takes you to a strip club and you just, like go along with it and you lie the next day, that gets you out of trouble. I get that. But what is lying about work stuff and little stuff and where's the phone charger? Like, what does that get you on a day to day basis?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It. I mean, it doesn't get me anywhere, but I think the reason why I struggle with it is it's easier than Having a longer conversation.

[Jon]

Well, there's two sides to that one. You're going to have a long conversation. It's either going to be when she's moving out or it's going to be done in tiny little chunks like, dude, why'd you take the phone charger again? That's one side you're going to have that length of a conversation.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Jon]

The second one is a deeper one, which is what are the things that you're continuing to do that are so bad that you think I need to risk blowing up relationships at work with friends, with my fiance? I've got to keep this part of me hidden.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I've just been. I've been very, very selfish, especially this year.

[Jon]

What does that mean? That. Honestly, bro, that sounds like a move. Tell me what that means.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I mean, just, I'm not very. I mean, I think a larger problem of this, you know, that, you know, the lying has kind of led up to is, you know, I just. I'm not very emotionally available for her. You know, I'm not. I'm not thinking of her needs and, you know, it doesn't really matter her. Or at least it did, you know, until this all happened. It didn't really matter where she was at. You know, she was my fiance and. And she was there and she wasn't going to leave. And I got in this state of just comfort and just normalcy that, you know, it didn't really matter what I did or if I needed to go above and beyond for her, you know, it was just. It was. It was a constant. And I think that's what really hurt her the most, is just that she could just tell that I didn't care.

[Jon]

Is that true? That you didn't care?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, no, no, no, of course not.

[Chris]

Of course I care.

[Jon]

I don't think it easier. Where do you work? Don't tell me, the office. But what kind of industry do you work in?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I work in marketing.

[Jon]

How much money do you make?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

60 grand.

[Jon]

Is that a real number? Is that a made up number?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, it's a real number.

[Jon]

Okay. Are you proud of that? Are you embarrassed by it?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm proud of it.

[Jon]

Okay. Do you drive a car you can't afford?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, sir.

[Jon]

Okay. Do you live in an apartment you can't afford.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right now? I do.

[Jon]

Okay. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to look at the places in your life where you're avoiding reality because that's another way of lying to yourself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay?

[Jon]

If you make 60 grand and you drive a sixty thousand dollar car, you're lying to the world about. This is how much money I have. Right. If you live in a three thousand dollar a month apartment, you make sixty grand a year. You're lying to your friends and family. About what? How you're doing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Jon]

I want you to take ownership of the skills you have. You're clearly talented at your job. They wouldn't pay you 60 grand. And this woman clearly loves you. She keeps coming back and keeps coming back. My guess is she sees something in you that you can't see in yourself. Is that fair?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Definitely.

[Jon]

Has she said that exact thing to you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Something very similar.

[Jon]

Exactly. And then literally it sounds, this sounds silly, but you're going to practice not lying anymore. That means you're going to have to have all of your little bitty shortcomings exposed in rapid succession. It's going to feel like an exposed nerve, but then you're going to realize she's not leaving and you're not going to die. And that's how you're going to practice standing up on your own two feet. I appreciate the call, man. We're not going to go make amends. You've done that. You've told the truth. We're not going to live in deficit. But the only way to rebuild your relationship is to become somebody who is so concretely integrous that you never hide from yourself or anybody again through dishonesty and lies. Thanks for the call, brother. We come back, a woman wants to know how to disclose her past with new dates. Everywhere we turn these days, everyone's talking about AI or our data privacy or hacking or whatever. Listen, right now, scammers are using phishing attacks. That's fishing with a. They try to trick you into giving them something important or precious like your data by pretending to know you. You might get an email, a text or a phone call and the person or the AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's trying to help you out and look out for you. They're not. With the new technological advancements, none of us can keep up, which means none of us is really safe. So what are we supposed to do? First, we're going to start controlling what we can. We're going to learn how to be careful with our digital privacy all online and offline. And we're going to sign up with Delete me. I use and recommend Delete Me because they work in the background of my life to reduce my online presence. And that way I don't have to worry about Creepy data brokers having my information without me knowing it and selling it to God knows who. Delete Me has reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and, and a ton of stress. Stop the phishing attacks and the harassment and the other online threats before they even start and take control of your digital privacy. With Delete Me, go to join deleteme.com DeLoney today for 20% off their annual plan that comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's join delete me.com deloney go check them out. Dayton, Ohio. Let's talk to Samantha. What's up, Samantha?

[Samantha]

Hey, Dr. John Deloney. How are you?

[Jon]

What's up? I'm doing great. How about you?

[Samantha]

Better than I deserve. You know, partying.

[Jon]

There you go. What's up?

[Samantha]

So I want to first say that you're not just a YouTuber, Dr. John. You are really doing God's work. You know, I for one, have learned so much from you and the compassion you have for others. And sometimes when I hear your call or struggles, it's really humbled me and made me even more grateful to be in the position that I'm in and show up better for the people in my life. Thank you so much for you yourself.

[Jon]

Thank you. I'm. I'm grateful that you are taking what you hear on the show and putting it into, into the world, man. It's awesome.

[Samantha]

I feel like I have a third degree, a psychology degree, after binge watching all of your YouTube podcast videos.

[Jon]

Yeah, I'm not smart enough to be a psychologist, but I appreciate it. What's up?

[Samantha]

Yeah, totally.

[Chris]

So I don't know if I have.

[Samantha]

A simple question, but I find myself in a position many times where it's hard to navigate and I really need some guidance so that I can put my best foot forward and be able to have a life with things that I can still dream about and have.

[Jon]

Okay, let it rip.

[Samantha]

So from 2016 to 2017, I got three DUIs where I live. I had to serve time for my third conviction. So I'm. I am a convicted felon.

[Jon]

Okay.

[Samantha]

So it has really impacted me like in a multitude of ways. So my years of schooling, having proper and well paying steady employment, and now the way I even show up to be in relationships. So when I share the sensitive information, I've often been rejected. It feels like I am constantly intervening for a job that I'll never get. Kind of like when you're like up to bat, and then your coach just benches you. And I have really, really come a long way in these eight years. How can I have my past no longer? I can't say no longer dictate my future because it will forever dictate my future. But I just feel like I'm constantly rejected by so many people. Future, potential employers, now even relationships. Sometimes I even find myself, like. I don't know, I feel like I've been craving companionship for so long that maybe I should hold out for another month or two before I just even lay it on sick with my past. And before you ask me any questions about why I don't like myself or why can't I forgive myself. I really, really have. I have grace, and I really have a lot of love for myself.

[Jon]

I wasn't even gonna ask you that one, but I'm glad that you've forgiven yourself. That's awesome. Are you sober now?

[Samantha]

I'm coming up on eight years sober in August.

[Jon]

Amazing. How often do you tell that story?

[Samantha]

When I'm in aa, when I feel that. When I feel like that good comfort and vulnerability with someone else, that I can be vulnerable, I'll share it with them. Only very few close family members and friends know. It's not something that I like to talk about. But sometimes when I meet someone and I know they're struggling through something, I'll share about my past.

[Jon]

But you walk around not with the eight years of sobriety, with the eight years of victories, with the eight super bowl championships you've won. You walk around with the three you didn't win.

[Samantha]

Yeah.

[Jon]

Why is that?

[Samantha]

I mean, I was a teacher, John. I have a master's degree. I can't. I can't use that anymore.

[Jon]

That's not true. That's not true. In certain contexts, that is factual. That's not totally true. And if you lead with, I do recognize you have to check a box that says, are you a convicted felon? But if you lead a conversation with, I've been sober for almost a decade, and I had. I was very ill, made some bad choices a decade ago. I'm gonna tell you right now, if people are holding me accountable for stuff I did a decade ago, I don't want to work for you. Right. And I would tell you, if people don't want. I can't think of somebody that's in a better position to compassionately and empathetically sit with young people than you.

[Samantha]

I say that to myself all the time. Like, the bad kids love me.

[Jon]

I know I know, but you say that to yourself, but you don't walk through the world that way, because as much as you say you've forgiven yourself, you haven't.

[Samantha]

I feel like my community and where I'm from, they've really held it as a taboo. I grew up in a conservative Muslim home, so it's something like I. I had to lie about where I was going during that time. I lied and I said I went to Africa to teach for.

[Jon]

Let me back out of that. Let's. Let's back out of that. We're going to be done with the offloading of responsibility.

[Samantha]

All right. I like that. Offloading responsibility.

[Jon]

I chose to lie to my family and community and tell them I went.

[Samantha]

To Africa, all right.

[Jon]

Because I chose to be imprisoned by a story for the next decade, then deal with their ostracization back in 2017. Let's be honest.

[Samantha]

All right?

[Jon]

Is that fair?

[Samantha]

That's. Yeah, that's so fair.

[Jon]

You chose prison over possible excommunication. Fair, right? Fair.

[Samantha]

Yeah.

[Jon]

But this prison is locked on the inside out.

[Samantha]

Yeah.

[Jon]

I mean, the locks on the inside, if they do not want to be in your life because of choices you made when you were struggling. And let's be honest, I always want to reiterate on the show, if you get three DUIs in a row, a, you must be taken off the road. Correct. You know that, right?

[Samantha]

Absolutely.

[Jon]

If you get three DUIs in a row, then you've got demons that you are desperately trying to drown out, which tells me with great compassion, that's a hurting person there.

[Samantha]

Yeah.

[Jon]

And so if your community, a decade later, won't welcome you back in with open arms, then I am going to, as the great Jay Z once said, brush my shoulders off. And it's my job now to unlock my prison from the inside out and go find a community that will celebrate the decade of sobriety and going to war with myself that I've endured and that, my sister, is forgiveness.

[Samantha]

Now, when do I, like, share like? See, I'm. See, I reconnected with someone in my past, and they brought up a very triggering question. Is there anything about your past that's gonna, like, impact my future, our future? Like, how do I begin? Because I almost want to say, bro, it's Google. Look up my first and last name, and if you have any questions, come back to me.

[Jon]

What kind of dating question? I don't know. I don't date anymore.

[Samantha]

So I know it's a popular. I don't. I. I haven't had a relationship since 2016.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So why.

[Jon]

Why have you not?

[Samantha]

Because I was at a place where I didn't even want to date myself.

[Jon]

Okay, That's. That's a. That's a. That's a. I don't know.

[Samantha]

I didn't have my stuff together. Fair coming out is hard. Yeah. And, you know, not just reintegration society. It's like, what do you do for a living? You're a teacher. I'm like, no, not a teacher anymore. So you work at, you know, a local restaurant? Yeah, I look at it. It's just. There's a lot of questions that I just felt like. You're not Barbara Walters. Why am I. Why am I feeling like this is an interview on 60 Minutes or whatever? It's just annoying.

[Jon]

Let's flip that whole thing around. Why does. Why have you given the proverbial Barbara Walters questions? You are. You are taking the questions people ask and the answers you would give if you were honest. And you are judging yourself and taking your judgments and putting them in their heads.

[Samantha]

All right?

[Jon]

And maybe they are going to say judgmental things, and then, great, they're opting out. Or back in 2018, they were right. Oh, my gosh. You did all this stuff, and you can't even go in a classroom anymore? They should take you out of a classroom, and they were right. They should take you out of that classroom. And after a decade of kicking butt, for you to go meet with an HR director of a small school district, and it's not going to be possibly in Dayton in the big city, but, hey, I. I'm just coming clean. Ten years ago, I was a mess. Here's my ten year, my seven year, my eight year coin. Boom. I'm sober. I worked a plan. I'm an amazing place. I have a graduate degree. I want to be a teacher again. What's my path back?

[Samantha]

Well, I went back into teaching for two years. Two school years.

[Jon]

Okay.

[Samantha]

And it was in my best interest to not go back again. It was a very small school, as you said. You know, I had that courageous conversation with, you know, the director and whatnot, but I just felt like it was gonna. I felt like I was getting at a place where it was gonna compromise my sobriety.

[Jon]

Okay.

[Samantha]

So I loved teaching again. I never wanted to be a teacher, you know?

[Jon]

Okay, I'm sorry. I misunderstood. Can I have your.

[Samantha]

Fine. I never.

[Jon]

Can I high five?

[Samantha]

Thank you. Yeah.

[Jon]

Like, you. You saw yourself going down a path again, and you walked back. It's awesome. So, you know, I guess I'm Confused. Hmm.

[Samantha]

I didn't want to be a teacher when I was 18 years old. It was something that was appropriate for a young girl. You either went into nursing or health care or education.

[Jon]

Okay, so what do you want to do now? How old are you?

[Samantha]

I am 38 and a half. Ish.

[Jon]

All right, good. My mother.

[Samantha]

Yeah.

[Jon]

Went back to college at the age of 42. So.

[Samantha]

Yeah, I love that story.

[Jon]

Okay, you haven't even started. You're four years ahead of her. What do you want to do?

[Samantha]

I've always wanted to go into business and marketing.

[Jon]

What do you want to. What do you want to sell?

[Samantha]

I love startup companies. I like being a part of something brand new.

[Jon]

None of that is a thing. What do you want to sell? Do you like it when you go get your hair done? Do you like it when you get a good cup of coffee? Do you like it when you open a new box of shoes? Like, what do you want to sell to somebody to bring joy or light or. Or help or support to their day?

[Samantha]

I guess I never thought about products and items. I thought about just working for a company.

[Jon]

I know, but here's what, here's the problem with that.

[Samantha]

And by the way, I've constantly been told what to do my entire life.

[Jon]

I know, I know, but listen, never.

[Samantha]

Really had like a free.

[Jon]

That's it.

[Samantha]

Like, be Aladdin and do whatever I want.

[Jon]

That's why I'm trying to free you from it. The problem with the modern American workforce is that everybody wants to show up to a job. And that job, give me something. Instead of, I want to be a part of a group, a company, a small business, a solopreneurship. I want to be about helping a customer with X. Get therapy, get a roof, get your plumbing fixed, get new shoes, get a million dollar car. I don't care what the thing is. But if you go to a company to solve you, it will fail every time. If you go to a company to say, I'm giving all of myself as a part of this team so that we can help X, Y, or Z. Now you're talking about purpose. And so what you're looking to do, you're running around, your community has abandoned you, your romantic relationships. You have created this world where you don't think you can be successful there. And you have created all these stories about yourself. And now you're putting all of your potential future on some company. You don't even care what they do, what they sell, anything that's going to turn all your light switches on and that doesn't exist. Do you get what I'm saying?

[Samantha]

Oh, yeah.

[Jon]

So I want you to ask, well, who do I want to go help? Don't want to help pet owners. Do I want to help? Like, I don't like people who's got flat tires. I don't care what it is. And then you show up to a place and you begin putting all of you into it. Not the you that thinks you're broken down and unworthy because 10 years ago you were sick and you made some bad choices. Ten years ago, but the eight super bowl champion, years later, you.

[Samantha]

I want to say 8. I would feel like a great 3 year Tom Brady.

[Jon]

Whatever you want to say.

[Samantha]

5 years after was pretty. Was pretty rough.

[Jon]

It was rough. You got eight years of sobriety. I'm counting it. But you. You sell it however you.

[Samantha]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jon]

Okay. And if you haven't been sober for eight years, then don't go around with that story either. If it's only been three, great. Say three.

[Samantha]

No, no, no. I'm just saying the. I'm thinking about just the entire time that I've been out.

[Jon]

Okay.

[Samantha]

And what I've been doing.

[Jon]

You have to decide. I'm not going to judge me as harshly as my community has judged me.

[Samantha]

All right?

[Jon]

And you have to decide. I'm not going to judge me as harshly as knuckleheaded people. I did not have three DUIs. I've never got a DUI. I have things from my past eight years ago, 10 years ago, 15 years ago, 30 years ago that I'm not proud of. And that's what forgiveness is about. That's what making amends is about. And that's what going to do the next right thing is about.

[Samantha]

So when do I share it? And is it just how I share it? Like, yo, listen, I just. I messed up. It is what it is. I can't see it is what it is. But that there's.

[Jon]

There's not a date or time. If your body tells you this person's not safe, then don't go on a second date. And also don't be that weirdo who's like, hi, my name is Samantha. I want to. Am. I don't be that person either.

[Samantha]

No, the. The recovery talks is what I had the first few months right after I came out. I'm in recovery. I'm in recovery. And everyone would be like, what's that?

[Jon]

And if that's the case, that's not your person. But you can also say that 10 years ago man, I had a rough go 20 years ago. I had a really rough go. Oh, yeah? Tell me about. Dude, I went to jail one time. What?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, God. I don't want to talk about that.

[Samantha]

It's so horrible.

[Jon]

I know, but it's a part of your life. And the. Here's the thing. I think people are going to distance themselves from you. They're going to flinch from you because you haven't fully metabolized what happened. And if you put it on the table with confidence as a. This is in my past, and this is not a part of my future, people will lean into that occasionally. They won't, and so be it. Forget them. I'm going to hook you up on my buddy Ken Coleman's book. He has a book called find the work you're wired to do. It's got a career assessment in it. I want you to take that career assessment, and then I want you to tenaciously start knocking on doors, having coffee with people applying for jobs, and just. Just like you did with that small school district. Be honest and say, here I am, and yes, I got a pass. But, dude, I've been eight years sober, and I. I will be the best employee you have. I'm gonna start. Sure you're gonna go after it. I'm gonna stop asking my job to solve all my world's problems, and instead, I'm gonna bring myself fully to the service of finding that. To helping somebody with a thing, a customer at the end, a person at the end, with support and help and love. And then it's going to be game on. Thank you so much for the call, Samantha. We'll be right back. I love poncho shirts, and they are back. As a supporter of this show, and I'm super jazzed about it, if you've seen me on stages across the country, maybe in the airport on this show or recently even when I was out fishing with my son in the Gulf, right? Or maybe you've even seen me mowing my yard out here in Nashville. I'm almost always wearing poncho shirts. Poncho makes the absolute best outdoor performance shirts for men, period. Whether they are sponsoring this show or not, I'm always wearing poncho because they're the best. Of course, I love their denim shirts and their insanely soft flannels, but now that it's super hot, I'm wearing Poncho's ultra light shirts, too. They're really lightweight, they're breathable, yet they're tough enough to handle whatever chaos my day brings. And I'm talking everything from traveling to being up to my chest for fishing in the surf or doing yard work. These shirts move with you, not against you. And they dry fast and they don't cling or bunch up and they come in slim or regular fit. So you're not walking around town looking like a sausage link or a circus tent. Head over to ponchooutdoors.com DeLoney and try them out for yourself. Right now. New customers get 10 bucks off their first purchase. Just sign up with your email. That's ponchooutdoors.com Deloney. And you gotta trust me or Poncho ultralight shirts are going to turn into a summer essential for you, too. All right, we're back. Money and marriage question. Don't forget the November marriage retreat and the Valentine's Day marriage retreat with me and my friend Rachel Cruz. It's a two and a half day weekend here in Nashville, Tennessee. It's half a Thursday, all day Friday, all day Saturday, or into the evening on afternoon on Saturday. And then you are free to go enjoy Nashville and just hang out in this great city. It is. So don't forget to go. We'll check. You can check the show notes here. Go check it out. I would love to have you here. These, these events sell out every year and I'd love to have you guys come if y' all can get in. But we have an anonymous question box at Money Marriage and this year we got a whole, whole bunch of questions. So I'm answering them now. Here's one of the questions. How do I help my husband forgive how I treated him the first 10 years. Year 25 was this year. I was a different person then. Yeah, we all were. I get held to who I was after trauma and family pain. So I guess the, the crux of the deal here is you can't make your husband do anything and you can't choose to force your husband to forgive you. He doesn't have to. And that's a heartbreaking thing to say, but he doesn't. He can continue to hold this over you.

[Samantha]

You.

[Jon]

What you get to do is to decide. I'm not going to be held to that anymore. It's been 15 years. You might sit down with him and say, not. You keep holding me to stuff that happened 10 years ago. That's not helpful because now you're in a loop. You'll have done that dance a million times. Because he'll say, well, I have to because you. We're not doing that. But you can say this happened last week, this specific thing happened last month, and this specific thing has been happening for the last year. And I. We're going to use imessages.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I.

[Jon]

Feel uncomfortable. I am choosing to be frustrated or angry or anxious in these moments. I am asking for the following. And that's the path you have to move forward. I would love it if we could both agree to exhale on the first 10 years. I've acknowledged it. I've owned it. I have proven over the last 15 years. And so I need some more context on what he's doing. Right. Is he, like, hoarding the money or still going through your text messages like, I don't know what's happening here, but you get to. I mean, any number of things. But the. The major overarching theme here is you can't make him. You can't help him forgive you, other than become worthy of forgiveness. Meaning I've. I. I have. I don't. I'm not that person anymore. I don't do any of those things. I don't ever lie. I don't cheat. I don't steal money. Whatever was going on back, you know, 15 years ago. So that's the best I can help you. But sitting down and saying, I can't make you forgive me, and I am going to choose to not live in a house where things that happened 15 years ago are still held over me in the following ways. You can draw a line. But thinking you can do things to make him change, That's a feudal futile way to live your life. We just can't make other people do things as much as we try to. Hey, that's it, Kelly. What else you got? Anything else? No, no. You're just looking, like, pleasant today. You seem baffled by it. It's a baffling thing. Well, I'm happy. Is it because of all those showers after the skunk incident? I've been telling you for months that if you shower regularly, you just are happier. People listening. I shower regularly.

[Samantha]

Very regularly.

[Jon]

As a matter of fact, daily. Ben, I see you in the reflection of glass. Yeah, but what you don't see is the other engineer who smelled too long and passed out under the desk. But alas, I don't know. I like. But I like how you gave me a compliment and then right there, you killed it. So I appreciate that. Makes me more comfortable. I know what to do more with that than I do the compliments.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What?

[Jon]

Bath? No, you being mean versus a compliment. Never mean. We should end the show now. Love you guys. Stay. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Except don't stay in school because it's summertime. But keep making good choices. Bye.