I Picture My Husband With Other Women

Summary

Summary of Episode: "I Picture My Husband With Other Women" - The Dr. John DeLoney Show

Podcast Information:

• Title: The Dr. John DeLoney Show
• Host/Author: Ramsey Network
• Description: A caller-driven show providing real talk on relationships and mental health challenges, encouraging audience participation through voicemails and emails.
• Episode: I Picture My Husband With Other Women
• Release Date: November 4, 2024

---

1. Introduction

The episode "I Picture My Husband With Other Women" delves deep into the complexities of marital relationships, addressing themes of intimacy, personal insecurities, and boundary-setting. Dr. John DeLoney engages with callers who share their personal struggles, offering expert advice and compassionate insights to navigate challenging emotional landscapes.

---

2. Main Caller: Don from Seattle

Timestamp: [00:19] – [18:26]

Issue Presented: Don, a new Christian, grapples with the morally conflicting desire to explore an open marriage. He finds the notion of his husband being with other women both attractive and troubling, especially amidst his own physical and emotional challenges post-pregnancy.

Key Points & Discussions:

• Desire for Open Marriage:

  • Don: Expresses attraction to the idea of his husband being with other women, considering it as a compliment since it signifies his husband’s desirability.
  • Dr. DeLoney: Questions whether Don is trying to outsource the sexual aspect of his relationship, probing the underlying motivations behind his fantasy.
    • "[02:38] Dr. John DeLoney: The way you just said, it's like, I don't want another man. Like, men are gross. Like thousand."

• Emotional and Physical Insecurities:

  • Don shares his struggles with body image changes due to two C-sections and a recent hysterectomy, leading to diminished self-esteem and intimacy issues.
  • Dr. DeLoney: Highlights how Don's feelings of powerlessness and loss of identity as a woman contribute to his fantasies.
    • "[09:19] Dr. John DeLoney: I don't think you can walk that one back."

• Importance of Communication:

  • Emphasizes the need for open, non-judgmental conversations between spouses about fantasies and insecurities to rebuild intimacy.
  • Encourages exploring alternative forms of connection and creativity within the marriage to maintain emotional and physical closeness.

Notable Quotes:

• Don: "I feel like someone else wants to be with my husband and I am lucky enough that he chose me." ([03:23])
• Dr. DeLoney: "Your husband admits to you, I'm kind of ashamed of how I look now. That, to me, is, my goodness. I wish you could see from where I'm sitting how rich that soil is for y'all two to build a new marriage from." ([13:20])
• Dr. DeLoney: "Nobody in Hollywood tells you that the best sex you're going to have is sex on a calendar." ([43:29])

---

3. Caller: Jose from Sacramento

Timestamp: [25:02] – [32:25]

Issue Presented: Jose seeks advice on setting boundaries with his parents, who have been living on his property for a year. He struggles with maintaining the relationship's integrity amid his mother's immature reactions.

Key Points & Discussions:

• Boundary Setting:

  • Jose explains the financial and emotional toll of having his parents, aged 70 and 61, reside with him and his husband.
  • Dr. DeLoney: Advises clear, respectful communication, setting explicit timelines for the parents’ departure, and preparing for possible resistance.
    • "[26:00] Dr. John DeLoney: Okay. So you can treat both of them with dignity and respect. You can give them a timeline."

• Handling Emotional Reactions:

  • Discusses his mother’s immature response, including sending hurtful pictures and accusations after being asked to leave.
  • Dr. DeLoney: Emphasizes controlling his own reactions and maintaining composure despite the parents' emotional displays.
    • "[29:13] Dr. John DeLoney: There you go. And so let me give you, Let me give you permission. You get to be really sad."

• Practical Solutions:

  • Suggests concrete actions such as towing the parents’ trailer if they fail to leave by the set date, while offering support like job assistance and counseling.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. DeLoney: "You gave your parents a year, and you want parents that are rooting for you so hard that they're like, dude, we've been here a year. We gotta go." ([29:42])
• Jose: "I know that, you know, they live full time in their RV. They earn very limited income, so they do have to save up a little bit and prep for where they're going to go." ([30:24])

---

4. Caller: Lynn from Minnesota

Timestamp: [35:15] – [44:55]

Issue Presented: Lynn, a husband, seeks guidance on how to support his wife, who is a full-time nurse balancing demanding work hours and raising two young children.

Key Points & Discussions:

• Supporting a Partner:

  • Lynn expresses concern over his wife's exhaustion and his uncertainty about how best to help her amidst their busy lives.
  • Dr. DeLoney: Advises open communication to understand specific needs, emphasizing the importance of being intentional in finding new forms of intimacy and support.
    • "[35:43] Dr. John DeLoney: Have you said, hey, honey, I would love to help out around here and I don't know how to. I don't know how to help. Can you give me a roadmap for the help that you need?"

• Rebuilding Intimacy:

  • Encourages scheduling quality time together, even amidst chaos, to rejuvenate their relationship.
  • Suggests appreciating the evolving dynamics of their marriage and embracing the new season with intentional actions like date nights or walks.

• Acknowledging Change:

  • Recognizes the shift from their pre-children relationship to their current roles, urging Lynn to embrace and adapt to these changes collaboratively with his wife.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. DeLoney: "When you have two people locked in, into the curiosity over judgment... let's dig into that." ([41:13])
• Lynn: "We seem always so busy, and we don't really get a ton of time together to have those type of conversations." ([41:37])
• Dr. DeLoney: "When you have two people locked in, into the curiosity over judgment... let's dig into that." ([35:43])

---

5. Conclusion

Throughout the episode, Dr. John DeLoney emphasizes the critical role of open communication, self-awareness, and adaptability in maintaining and strengthening relationships. Whether addressing intimate fantasies within a marriage, setting necessary boundaries with family, or supporting a partner through demanding life changes, the overarching message underscores the importance of understanding, empathy, and proactive engagement in nurturing healthy, resilient connections.

---

Final Thoughts: "I Picture My Husband With Other Women" provides listeners with profound insights into handling complex emotional and relational challenges. Dr. DeLoney’s compassionate approach and practical advice offer valuable guidance for individuals seeking to navigate the intricate dynamics of modern relationships.

Transcript

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, what's up? The team at Ramsey Solutions is giving away $5,000 in the Ramsey Christmas cash giveaway. Don't miss your chance to win some [e-mail] giveaway. Coming up on the Dr. John DeLoney Show.

[Don]

I am struggling with a decision that I know is morally wrong. The idea of him being with someone else is very attractive to me. I've talked to him about potentially having an open marri.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you trying to outsource the sexual part of your relationship to somebody else? What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show talking to you about your mental and emotional health and your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. So grateful that you've joined us. You want to be on this show. Here's what I do. I sit with hurting people. Are people just trying to figure out what's the next right move in my life, in my relationships and my psychological life. Like, whatever you got going on, psychological life, that's not even a thing. But I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693- 3291 or go to john deloney.com ask a s k and we'll get you squared up. All right. Let's go out to Seattle and talk to Don. Hey, Don, what's happening?

[Don]

Hey, how's it going?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Doing good. How about you?

[Don]

Well, I am doing okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. So what's up?

[Don]

I'm talking to you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So some would say not okay, but.

[Don]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Don]

Excuse me. Well, I am struggling with a decision that I know is morally wrong. I am a new Christian, okay. So I'm finding, finding my path there. And I know that this is morally wrong, but I still want to, like, I feel like I still want to explore it.

[Lynn]

Okay.

[Don]

I feel like very turned on and very attracted about the idea of my husband being with another woman.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And you and you and you participating, you watching, you being there or just the idea of it happening?

[Don]

A little bit of all of the above. I don't know if I necessarily want to watch, but the idea of him being with someone else is very attractive to me. I've talked to him about potentially having an open marriage, but, like, I don't want to bring another man into it. Like, I have a zero desire to be with anybody else.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The way you just said, it's like, I don't want another man. Like, men are gross. Like thousand.

[Don]

You know, a lot of them are.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, trust me on it. Yes, you're correct. So dig into this with me. Okay. Okay. So jealousy can be a powerful, powerful aphrodisiac.

[Don]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is this about a sense of aliveness and jealousy and your heart rate would get up and there'd be this moment of like. Or tell me more about it. What? Like when you picture this in your mind, or maybe you don't even picture it in your mind, but you, you go through the exercise of tell me about it.

[Don]

Well, I'm not sure if it's a jealousy thing or maybe, maybe it is. Once I describe it. It's also kind of the idea of another woman finds my husband attractive and wants to be with my husband. And that is a really big compliment to me because I then I just kind of look at it as though, like, hey, someone else wants to be with my husband and I am lucky enough that he chose me and then I get to be with him all the time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there's also a power dynamic where you get to give him permission.

[Don]

Oh.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like almost as you're not. Not as much as your control over him, as much as you're in control of the other woman's desire.

[Don]

Oh, didn't even think about that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because it sounds like your husband, in this exchange is the variable. He's the pawn in the chess game. The chess match is actually between you and other women.

[Don]

Interesting.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And this may be the most amazing conversation to have with a baby in the background.

[Don]

I was trying to keep him quiet.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, it's all. It happens.

[Don]

It's like he's not even two, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no. It makes this conversation even more rich because why not?

[Don]

Right? Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So tell me about that. Where. Let me, let me ask you this. Where do you feel powerless with other women in your life?

[Don]

Oh, with other women specifically. That's going to be. I, I feel like a little bit of that is my mom feeling powerless there. But that's not.

[Jose]

I'm.

[Don]

I'm not quite sure if that's. That's some of it. See, as far as powerless with other women.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let me ask you, Let me ask a deeper question. Where, where do you feel powerless in your own sexuality?

[Don]

So that has been. I have felt pretty powerless since kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about it.

[Don]

I've got a. Yeah, I've got a three year old and almost two year old and my body, of course, is not the same. I had two C sections, so then it's really not the same. Because I just. There's certain parts of my body that I'll. It'll just never be the way that it was. Um, and then I had a hysterectomy on top of that. Just this past. In Feb. Just this past year or. Yeah, earlier this year. Um, so my body keeps fluctuating, which then, of course, doesn't make me feel very good about myself, which then, of course, doesn't make me want to be intimate with him. And then I've had a lot of health issues as well, which bring me a lot of pain, which then, of course, makes me not want to be physical.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like vaginismus, like intercourse pain or pain.

[Don]

Elsewhere, mainly pain elsewhere. Like, it'll hurt my back and my hips. And like, I've been in pain afterwards. Yeah. And so then that makes me not want to be intimate. And then I also feel bad that I can't give that part of our marriage to my husband when back before kids and things like that, we were very physical all the time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So maybe I was wrong. Are you okay? Are you trying to outsource yourself?

[Don]

In what way? What do you mean?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you trying to outsource the sexual part of your relationship to somebody else?

[Don]

Sometimes. And it's not that I don't want to. Like, I enjoy sex with my husband. I actually enjoy our sex life when it is there. It's just. It's few and far between these days, between just having young kids and being in pain and all these things and me not feeling very confident about my body. I then feel bad and I feel like my husband's physical needs are not being met and that they should be met and that I'm. So. Because of that, I'm okay with. Or at least I think I am.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

In a lot of ways.

[Don]

And I say it out loud.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Don]

Yeah. So in theory.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you talked to him about. Not. Not so much the threesome or. Not so much him being with another woman. Like open marriage. Polyamory. Not that. Have you talked about. Or not. Not. Polyamory. That was the wrong word. Is consensual. Non monogamy. Right. Have you talked with him about what you just told me?

[Don]

I have. Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't feel beautiful. I don't feel like I am the person that you deserve. I like being with you. And I can imagine how that would be kind of erotic to be the puppet master for somebody else being with you. That sounds kind of like I'd be in control. And it would be cool because I feel out of control because I want to be with you. My body does not participating right now.

[Don]

I haven't said it exactly like that. And if I say it exactly like that, it'll be perfect because you know, you know what you're talking about. So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But does that ring true? Does that. I. I don't want to. I don't want to put words in your mouth, but does that ring true?

[Don]

No. That you hit the nail on the head.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so what is, what is. What does he say? What does he say?

[Don]

He says that he understands about the physical and about, like, about the pain. He gets it because he's been with me from the beginning for all of this and he understands. And the last thing he wants to do is cause me pain. You know, he doesn't want to see me cry after we've been intimate because I'm in so much pain, which has happened. And he also then relates. I've told him that I don't feel great about my body. And he said that he. He also relates because his body has also changed over the 10 years that we've been together. And he doesn't feel very confident about his either.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so I'll just say this kind of abruptly and boldly. I think that fantasies are actually really important and I think that they can be incredibly powerful if they are discussed among, like you and your husband, if you'll talk about them. But there's a sense of curiosity and playfulness, not a sense of, oh my gosh, right. Not a sense of judgment. And how dare you? Okay, So I think they can be very important. I will also tell you that reality will, if, if you think you have self doubt now, it will blow your world apart. You get what I'm saying?

[Don]

I do. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I don't want you to beat yourself up for thought crimes and I don't want you to keep secrets from him. And my hope for all marriages and all relationships is that there can be some sort of playful, hey, dude, I had a crazy dream last night. No, not with my old college room. Like, where is that? Right? Like, my hope is that people can have that conversation because it's not real. Didn't happen. Right, Right. But the second order, I think in our current ethos, in our current world, if you have a feeling or if you have a fantasy, if you have an idea that pops into your head as a resolution for a real life challenge or even forget the challenge. I just want to. I want to feel powerful. I want to. I want to experience whatever puppet mastering. Right. That it's somehow wrong to not do It. And I guess I've just sat in the ash of, I thought this was a good idea so much with so many different people, man. And so what you just told me was way, way more powerful than the idea of, I want to open up my marriage, or I'm kind of turned on by the idea of having the kind of husband that would be so desirable that other women would be with them, and I get to be the gatekeeper. Like, that fantasy is not uncommon, by the way. And it's not. What do I say? It doesn't make you crazy or weird. But I'm way more compelled by the story underneath it that you've lost your identity that you had as a woman, because now your body is a. Is a factory. It's a machine to keep two kids alive. And you've lost your. What you believe is eros and womanhood, and you've lost connection. And you don't look like you used to. Your husband admits to you, I'm kind of ashamed of how I look now. That, to me is, my goodness. I wish you could see from where I'm sitting how rich that soil is for y'all two to build a new marriage from. Because the marriage, as you had it, is over. It's gone. It was awesome. And now the choice is, do we want to blow it up or do we want to create a new kind, a different kind of awesome? We get to pick that. And so my natural next question is, have you gone to a physical therapist and said, hey, I want to have lots and lots of reckless, wild sex. And every time in this position, my legs hurt, my back hurts, but I want to go down a rabbit hole and figure this out. Not for. Not to quote, unquote, please, my man, because I want it right.

[Don]

Not a physical therapist, but I am in, like, I'm in Cairo. And who does. She also does physical therapy, like exercises and stuff. I'm in that three days a week. Is it working other therapies? Not yet.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Don]

How long I have been. Oh, gosh, it's been probably five, five or six months. But about two months ago, I got into a car accident, which made it worse.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So now I'm kind of starting over. Yeah.

[Don]

So I'm trying to starting over, basically when I wasn't really making much progress to begin with.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would love for you to make an appointment if you can afford it, even if it means skipping a chiropractic appointment for a while with a physical therapist, a trained physical therapist in your area and fully lay out. Here's My challenges.

[Don]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would love for you just to explore it.

[Don]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would also love you and your husband to sit down and explore. Hey, I'm sure he's got fantasies too. He's lived in this house with you also. I think those. I think in a strange way, they can be. And by the way, you can abuse people with your fantasies too. Right? You can be like, I'm just trying to tell you the truth. Right. I remember sitting with a young married couple, and the guy was like, at the mall and he's like, dude, I would love to be with her. And I'd be like, you're an idiot. Right? Like, he was overly graphic and, like, just moronic. You can hit people over the head with quote, unquote truth also. Right? Right. So I would love for y'all to sit down and say, okay, here we are. I don't feel good. I don't like how I look. You don't like how you look. We got two kids all the time. My body is not my own right now. For this season. What does friendship look like? What does laughter look like? What does intimacy look like? What does. Okay, having traditional, regular, reckless sex. It's off the table right now. What else can we do? How can we get creative and make the creativity part of the playfulness and part of the novelty? And I think it's exploring what does novelty look like? Because novelty is important. What does novelty look like inside the bounds of this covenant you and I made that it's you and I ride or die till the end of time? Do you get what I'm saying?

[Don]

I do. I'm just taking it all in because it used to be a thing. I mean, my husband and I used to tease each other all the time and like, kind of provoke, you know, provoke each other throughout the day for that buildup.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. It's that sense of aliveness. How do I get my heart rate up?

[Don]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I think the. What the data tells me is the illusion is once a heart rate settles in inside of a marriage relationship, the only way to get my heart rate back up is to go seek it elsewhere. Whether it's pornography, whether it is an extramarital affair, or it's just big time flirting, or it is fantasies that slowly possibly open the door to reality. And I think the challenge, which I think is the best part, not the best part of being married, but one of the top parts is what kind of crazy adventure can two people go on that they are constantly trying to out heart rate, raise each other?

[Don]

I like that. Heart rate, graze.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What an amazing adventure.

[Don]

That's awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But that means you'll have both have to be able to talk. And that's why I love the fact that you're already able to say, I've got this, like, weird fantasy that makes no sense logically. Let's put on the table. And I needed. I want to affirm you, every email, blog you, I mean, every blog you read, every substack you read, every. Everything's going to tell you to go do it. That's the new cool thing. And I just. I think. You think you're gonna blow it. Blow it all up.

[Don]

Yeah. I'm not convinced. Well, and that's why I wanted to call, because I'm not convinced it is the actual right, quote, unquote thing to do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's a Xanax to cover up the fact that you love this man to the. To the moon and back.

[Don]

I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you don't feel like you're enough. And then God bless America, come find out he doesn't feel like he's enough.

[Don]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I'm going to outsource how I feel. I'm going to feel a little powerful in the process. And he's going to go along with something he didn't want to do because he wants to love me. And then you're going to be sitting in the ash going, what have we done? Because you can't walk that one back.

[Don]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But, man, you want to talk about some amazing erotic energy. It's two people sitting down across the table being like, well, we blew our lives up. We have two young kids. Oh, yeah. Now we get to do it. We get to do whatever we want moving forward. What does raising your heart rate look like in this season? What is you feeling alive in this season look like? Well, for me, it sucks with the lights off for a while because, you know. Right. It's put on table.

[Don]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then it's like, all right. Well, you used to send flirty texts, and they don't do it for me anymore. But, you know, it does do it for me anymore. Just a note in my bag, in my briefcase. You looking me in the eyes and grabbing my face and saying, tonight, I'm gonna figure something out. It's gonna be different, but I'll figure something out. You better come home ready like you know what I'm saying. Or calling, leaving awful things on his answering machine. I don't know. You. You get to decide what it is, right? Who knows what it is?

[Don]

Answering machine. I like how you Said answering machine.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. I'm 114 years old.

[Don]

That's awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I want you to show up on a pony with a letter, right? I don't know, but you all get to decide that. And underneath almost all of our fantasies, is always a fear, is always a desire. And where I see marriage, the reason I have so much faith in marriage, is that when you have two people locked in, into the curiosity over judgment, not just cramming each other's desire underwater or burying it or burying it in concrete or shaming somebody, but saying that sounds nuts. Tell me more, or let's dig into that. All right, all right. I'll hear your dream. It's going to be all right. Let's do it. And I can feel my. Like, dude, I'm trying to feel, like, crazy jealous. I'm starting to get angry. Like, why is that? Where's that digging into those conversations? That's intimacy. And everybody listening to this. Talking about fantasies is not something you just wing at somebody talking about. Like, dude, I had a crazy dream that did not include you, and it was uncomfortable and weird, and I didn't like it. Or I kind of was, like, got my heart rate all up weird. Oh, my gosh. Tell me about that. Like, there's a way to not weaponize that and to not be graphic and to not be overly abusive with it, but to lean into curiosity and lean into fun and lean into. Ah. But I just want to. Dawn, I want to tell you, you're not crazy. I don't think you're nuts. I think your leap has a. Has a. Has an algorithm to it. It makes sense. But I want to reverse that algorithm. I don't want to just blow your life up. I don't want you to look in the mirror and say, no, no, no, I'm still an amazing woman. It looks different now. My life is different. My body's different, my heart's same. I'm worth feeling. Well, I'm worth pursuing sex, intimacy because I want it. My husband's worth that because I love him and I like it with him. So what must be true. Let's move forward. Let's go start working through all of it, and we can do this together. Thank you for that call, Don. It's pretty impressive. Pretty amazing. Appreciate you calling and being open and vulnerable. I'm 100% sure that your vulnerability is going to help a whole, whole lot of people. Don't blow your life up, kid. I think you all got a pretty amazing marriage ahead of you. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. This month is all about gratitude, and most of us have a person or two we'd like to shout out for helping us out somewhere along our life's journey. I'd like to take a moment to thank two people who have transformed my life. One is the great Marilyn Fannin, and two is the great and powerful Dr. Jean Will Thompson. Marilyn gave me a chance when no one should have. She brought me along and taught me poise and professionalism, and she challenged me when I needed help. And Jean Noel taught me how to be a dad, a husband, a professional, and how to balance the seemingly impossible weight of caring for a whole bunch of people all at the same time. Big time. Thanks to Marilyn and Jean Noel and for all you listeners. I know you have people in your own life that you're grateful for and hopefully you stop and thank them. But there's one person that we often don't take time to think enough ourselves. We don't always acknowledge that we're surviving. We're moving forward. We're grinding towards a better life, better relationships, and a better world. And in a world where everything's gone bonkers, this isn't easy. So here's my reminder to thank the people in your life, including you. And sometimes we need more than just a thank you. We need some professional and personal help. We need to talk to someone who is trained to help us discover true gratitude for ourselves and others, especially during the holiday seasons. That's why I recommend my friends a better help. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anytime, so it's convenient for your schedule. Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. This holiday season, let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com Deloney Fall is here, everybody. And that means. No, not pumpkin spice, please. No more pumpkin spice. It means that I get to spend every waking moment in my flannel and soft denim shirts from Poncho, the world's best performance shirts for men. All Poncho shirts are great, and their flannels and soft denims kind of remind me of when I was younger and I wanted to be in Soundgarden and Pearl Jam. But listen, the real reason I love Poncho flannels is because they're soft yet incredibly durable and incredibly comfortable. They have a little bit of stretch, so they move with you, not against you, and they dry quickly and they have slim and regular fits for different body types. And you can wear these shirts for outdoor adventures, outdoor work, and off to dinner with your wife or to the concert with your friends. Poncho shirts will make amazing gifts for the men in your family. This holiday season, head to poncho outdoors.com and check out all of their styles. Enter code deloney at checkout to get a free T shirt or a hat with any purchase of a button down shirt. Go to poncho outdoors.com and use code deloney. All right, let's go out to Sacramento, California and talk to Lynn. Hey, Lynn. What's going on?

[Jose]

Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. What's up?

[Jose]

Well, my question is, you know, my parents lived on our property and they've been with us for about a year. How exactly do I navigate setting a boundary with them to move off of our property and also kind of maintain the integrity of our relationship as it can get a little rocky with my mom at times.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can't do both. Yes, you can keep your integrity. Or let me say this integrity comes from the like, I don't be too nerdy. It's integer, it's whole. Right. So you can't both tell your parents, I want you to not live on our property anymore and also be responsible for the totality of that relationship. Because it's two of you or it's three of you. What you can do is treat your mom and is your dad involved too?

[Jose]

As my stepdad? Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So you can treat both of them with dignity and respect. You can give them a timeline. You can put it all in writing. You can be very, very clear. But if they want to act like children and whiny babies and throw a fit, then they get to do that, too.

[Jose]

Gotcha. Because it's kind of what's happening. You know, I set the boundary about a week ago and I expressed to them, you know, my husband and the last few years has been really rough. You know, we were taking care of my husband's dad for a while who had chronic, you know, he had kidney problems and we're doing dialysis for him for two years. And then he passed, unfortunately, in the home. And then a couple months after that, my husband's mother got really sick. I quit my job, took care of her for four months in the home, and then she started doing better. Thank God. Miraculously, she's back doing so much better. But then my mom and stepdad show up and he, you know, my dad needed to have some medical procedures done. To take care of some things. And we told them, yes, it's absolutely fine. You can stay in the RV on our property until you get everything taken care of. Well, that time has passed and it's been about a year now and my husband and I really just need a break. We need our space and I just can't emotionally cater to my mom like I used to when I was a kid. She's literally the only person in. On the face of the planet I have a hard time setting a boundary with. So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So yeah, when you. For some reason, and I don't know why I. The way you're using the phrase I need to set a boundary, to set a boundary that almost like. I don't know. I don't know that that's the right word here. I'm just. I don't know why I'm. It's kind of stuck. I just keep looping on me. Let's get a little more businessy.

[Jose]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your parents need to move off your property. Yes. And there's. It's. It doesn't need to be this. I gotta set a boundary. And this, this big, like modern psychological intervention, like, I need my mom and dad to move off my property. They've stayed for a year and I need to ask them what their plan is. So when you talk to them a week ago, what they say?

[Jose]

Well, I expressed why and they said that they understood. And the conversation seemed like it went really well. I think the hardest thing I'm struggling with is my mom's reaction because she can be extremely childish. And she decided to take a picture of my stepdad while I guess he was in bed, I guess upset about me asking them to leave. And she sent me a picture. And then she said, you broke his heart. Like a few hours after we'd had the conversation, which I had thought had gone really well and was very understood.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. Okay, so let's, let's, let's go to. Right that moment you get that text from your mom. You even described it to me as childish. Right. It's what, it's what my 14 year old would do.

[Jose]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he's, he's. It's not childish as though. It's just very immature. I'm going to send a picture to somebody. You see what I'm saying? Like, okay, cool. So it happened.

[Lynn]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What can you control in that moment?

[Jose]

My reaction.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go. And so let me give you, Let me give you. Hold on. Let me give you permission. You get to be really sad.

[Don]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not supposed to be like that. You gave your parents a year, and you want parents that are rooting for you so hard that they're like, dude, we've been here a year. We gotta go. Y'all need your life back. Y'all been caring for adults for the last five years. You need a break.

[Don]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's how it's supposed to be. And y'all are supposed to be like, no, no, no, no. Y'all can keep living here. It's fine. Because they're so great to have around. That's the fantasy, right?

[Jose]

Yeah, it is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you get to be sad about that, and you don't have to respond.

[Jose]

Yeah, I think I did respond. And I said, you know, it was never intended to be that way, and I'm really sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And the problem with that response, which is actually honest and good and whatever, is it opens the door a little bit. Oh, you never intended to. Well, you did. So let's make it right. Right? And it's like, no, no, no, no. We're not gonna make it. Like, we. We are making it right. Did you give them a date?

[Jose]

I told them that, you know, we wanted to have within the next month, you know, our own space and have you guys have a plan. But I know that, you know, they live full time in their rv. They earn very limited income, so they do have to save up a little bit and prep for where they're going to go. And that was the biggest thing for me asking them to leave is because I know that they really and truly don't have another home base to go to. But I just. It's just not really. I was getting to the point where I was feeling like this isn't my responsibility because you're in dire straits financially. Like, I've helped out as much as I can, but at some point, like, there's just an end to that, and I just can't keep doing it for them because it's been like this off and on. Even in my previous marriage, the same thing kind of happened, you know, eight years ago. So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are they?

[Jose]

My stepdad is 70. My mom is 61.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I don't want to be crass, but she's got to go get a job.

[Jose]

Yeah. And that's the thing. I've offered that. And, you know, she has got a lot of, like. And this is the thing that she likes to throw on my head to make me feel sorry for her. And I hate saying it like that, but it's where it comes from. Like, comes off from her Is, is that, you know, she's had a really traumatic life and gone through a lot of things. And so she just states like, I have social anxiety. I'm absolutely incapable of. She can't go to the grocery store by herself. Like, she just. But she won't go to therapy. And, you know, it's, it's been a round and round circle to where she clings to my stepdad and, like, he can't even leave the room without her, like, wondering where he's at, needing him to be right there. She definitely needs a lot of, like, help, you know, therapy wise, but she just hasn't made that a priority for herself. She likes to use it as the, the whole world hates me. Everyone's against me, and I'm gonna it in that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm sorry.

[Jose]

Yeah. It makes it really rough.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I wish I had a better answer for you. I'm just, I'm just, I'm, I'm heartbroken for you. I'm sorry. Yeah. I, I, I think the, the, the path forward is if you and your husband have decided, like, it's time for y'all to go, then what I would tell you is clear as kind. Here's the date, here's our expectation. And then I think it's worth you and your husband exploring. What are we actually going to do? We going to evict them? Are we going to have their trailer towed off our property to a nearby place? Like, what is the or what here? Because if there is no or what, if we're not going to, we're not going to actually do that. We're not going to actually kick them off, then I'd go ahead and exhale and make peace. They may never leave. Or. No, no, no, no. We're at a place. We're gonna have them towed off of here. Okay. Let them know that on this date, this is the drop dead date, we're gonna have your trailer towed. I'll help you get a job. I'll help you with counseling. I'll help you with these other things, but I can't participate in this anymore. Yeah. Sorry, Lynn. I hate that for you. You can control what you do, but you can't control the impact on the relationship. That's something you'll have to do together. And often when we draw, like you said, concrete boundaries or we make tough business decisions, other people make choices on their own. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. November can be bananas. And we have the normal November chaos with colder weather and there's family drama. Thanksgiving and figuring out holiday plans. And with the recent election. Well, no matter what you think about any of this mess, we all need an extra helping of peace. And one of the easiest ways to find and maintain peace is with the help of Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. With so many external things trying to divide us or capture our attention or just make us bananas, Hallow is there to help you and me keep grounded, to stay present, and to focus on our faith in God. I use Hallow every day and I absolutely love it. Hallow has thousands of prayers, songs, and meditations to guide you along the path of gratitude, to help you keep peace, and to help you answer hard questions and to help you grow closer to God. And I want you to watch for an upcoming Advent Pray 25 challenge that will make the countdown to Christmas truly special. Download the Halo app and go to hallow.com deloney to get three free months. That's three free months of the Hallow app. Totally free at Hallow. H A l l o w.com DeLoney all right, let's go out to Minnesota and talk to Jose. Hey, Jose. What's up, man?

[Lynn]

Hey, John. Thanks for having me on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You got it, brother. What's up?

[Lynn]

So I was calling because the question I have is how can I support my wife and help her find rest between being a full time nurse and then raising kids?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you a full time nurse or. She's a full time nurse.

[Lynn]

She is. She is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. What do you do, ma'am?

[Lynn]

I work for a fintech company. I work from home.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so what's the question beneath this question?

[Lynn]

Well, I don't know. Like, she, you know, my wife, she works long hours and she's just really tired a lot. You know, she's. I feel like she's running on fumes most of the time, and I feel bad because. But you know, I. I try to help and sometimes, you know, I don't. I sometimes I don't know how she wants to be helped or how to help her in general.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So have you said, hey, honey, I would love to help out around here and I don't know how to. I don't know how to help. Can you give me a roadmap for the help that you need?

[Lynn]

Uh, not. Not like that, no.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, what about your marriage makes that question scary? Cause that seems like the most logical. That's actually like a fintech question. Like, what's the next. What's the next test to run?

[Lynn]

Like. Yeah, no, I don't. I'm not sure. I mean, yeah, I guess I just haven't asked it like that. We've had conversations about, like, how I can help more, but I guess there's times where I feel. Oh, I mean, there's times where I offer, you know, things on how to help, but then it's like not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Really received or kind of like that's, that's. That was a nice way of saying. I like to tell her how this should be done.

[Lynn]

Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So here. Here's where I think you can get beneath it and above it at the same time. Okay. And I don't know how that's logically possible, but I just made that up, so go with me. Okay. It's not geographically possible. How old's your little baby?

[Lynn]

We have two. So we have a four year old and a two year old.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So rest. Drop your shoulders from your ears and rest assured that with a four year old and a two year old and two full time working parents, one working from home, one working in a helping profession, it's got its own secondary trauma attached to it. So exhale and know that you're not crazy, that your sex life has blown up. You feel like you've lost your best friend in the chaos of just diapers and exchanges and who's picking up what. And I got to get this kid to what. And this one needs to eat. And can you pick up this on the way home like you're not crazy. And also realize that she probably misses you too.

[Lynn]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there's something powerful about a couple getting away from this madness, even if it's for two or three hours and calling out. And you can let her listen to this call because. Because it sounds like you love her and you're trying to figure out how do I help. Right?

[Lynn]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want to applaud you. Before I start lecturing, I want to applaud you what I did in your exact situation. We had one kid in several pregnancy losses. Okay. What I did in your situation was I understood that I didn't know what was going on or how to. And so I figured the best way I could help my family was just to go make a bunch of money. And I figured the best gift I could give my wife and my new kid was to not be around. And I want to applaud you for being a man who's not doing that. You're trying to figure ways to plug back in and it's like you're trying to find a plug behind the bed. And you're just, like, trying to find where the outlet is, and you're just, like, jamming it up against the Sheetrock, and it won't go into the outlet. I applaud you for not just dropping it and saying, I'm. I'm just going to go without light for a while. Good for you.

[Lynn]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so I think there's great power and grieving and joy and excitement and fear. All of those things together by y'all two getting away and saying, okay, everything about our marriage is different now. We don't have the same marriage we did. Now we have two kids. Now we have to put sex on the calendar. Now we have to put exercise in the calendar. Now we have to have, like, be more intentional about budgeting money. Now we have to be more intentional about not taking the next promotion without talking about it with each other or just taking overtime without talking about it with each other. Because every move we have affects three people, not just one.

[Lynn]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When here's the beautiful thing. Y'all get to pick what coming next looks like. And I think it's in this context where you sit down and you say, I knew how to love you. We dated for a while. We were married for a while. I knew how to love you, and I want you to help me with the new roadmap to helping you feel loved. How can I best love you and these two kids in this wild new season? And by the way, as soon as you slowly get the handle of this, it's going to change. Then one of your kids is going to start elementary school, and then the other kid's going to just start smearing cha cha on the walls just because. Why not, right? It's going to continue to change and continue to change and continue to change. And that, to me, has become my favorite part of my marriage is the back to the drawing board. All right? We get to build the next one, right? We get to build a new one. And it's exhausting sometimes. And I don't love it all the time because I like consistency. But, man, I've just come to love. All right. We've never been married with a high school kid.

[Lynn]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does that look like? What do you want it to look like? What do you want to feel like? And then reverse engineering it, which is your specialty, and making it happen. That's amazing. Right? But you have to be vulnerable and say, I don't know how.

[Lynn]

That's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's.

[Lynn]

That's true. I don't know how well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that can be Scary for her. And also, man, what a gift to have a husband who says, I want to be all in. And I don't know how to do this next. This next phase. Will you give me a road map back to your heart?

[Lynn]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, here's mine. I miss my wife. Yeah.

[Lynn]

It's good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that fair?

[Lynn]

No, I think it is. For sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Lynn]

Yeah. Yeah, Absolutely. I think it's been, you know, I mean, it's. We seem always so busy, and we don't really get a ton of time together to have those type of conversations. And so, you know, everything happens so fast.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Lynn]

You know, like, we weren't expecting our first daughter. It wasn't planned or anything. So, you know, part of you misses having, you know, that time with your significant other that you didn't really have.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Jose. And so I think it's all of me misses that.

[Lynn]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Lynn]

No, it's. It. Yeah. So it's hard to get, you know, it's a process to get, you know, all in on the new season.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And. But as I say, you guys spend some time in grief. I want you both to hold hands and look across the table and be like, remember we just had sex all over the place. Whatever. Remember we had all this. We didn't have any money, but we felt like we had a million dollars. Remember we could just, like, watch the office until we fell asleep. Remember that? And now we have to, like, you know, like, I totally, like, it's okay to miss those days with all your guts. It's okay. You don't have to, like, hedge it. It doesn't mean you don't love your kids and you don't love the new world y'all are going to create together. In fact, I would say the more you pretend it's like, well, you know, but now we've got these kids. We love them. We love. It's. It's not honest.

[Lynn]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so almost, like, there'd be cool. I don't know if y'all have done this, and I don't mean this in a negative way, and do it with a smile on your face. Not like a funeral, but, you know, like, a life's a celebration of life. When somebody's passed away and they had, like, this. They were just fun and they were old and they had a great life, and they. They're like, I want to have a dance. I want to have a celebration of life. I almost think you guys should have a celebration of before kids. Let's just put a marker in it that Was awesome.

[Lynn]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And now we get to create a different kind of awesome.

[Lynn]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And nobody in Hollywood tells you that the best sex you're going to have is sex on a calendar. Right?

[Lynn]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And nobody tells you that the most intimate 9:00 time together starts with a 6:30am emptying the dishwasher. Nobody tells you that. Nobody tells you that. That a peel the wallpapers off Friday night starts with a previous Sunday night. Hey, you want to go through the budget in the calendar for this week? Like nobody tells you that.

[Lynn]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Nobody tells you how. How caught off guard erotic it is to watch your husband throw the diapers away and take the trash out. You know what I mean? Nobody tells you that stuff. And so it's a matter of sitting down saying, what is. What does. What does intimacy look like to us? Now we get to decide. I want to commit to a date night. I want to. We don't have any money. Cool. I'm going to commit to a walk. Right. We don't have enough money for babysitters. Cool. I want to. My son used to do this. He used to get hired and when he was like 10 and all he did was play with the 4 year old or the 3 or whatever the hell the kid was in the house with the parents there with a mom or dad there. But it was just enough to take the attention away.

[Lynn]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. Like let's figure it out because I love you and you love me and let's build something rad and new.

[Lynn]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that fair?

[Lynn]

That is for sure, dude.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm proud of you, brother. And if nothing else, I think a final a question I used to always ask. I do, I still do. Ask every boss of mine is how do you want me to give you bad news or hard to hear news? Ask every one of my supervisors that. How do you want me to tell you that? And the most thoughtful supervisors I've ever had have gone. Huh. Well. And they on top of their head say, shoot me a text and let me know that we need to talk. I'd rather you do it in person. I don't like to be surprised. I don't like to do this. Always come to me with a solution when you're coming to me with a problem. Like whatever their thing is, I work for them. And so I want to bring that to it. I think it's important here to say, hey, and this is new because this isn't like Jose. I was nervous to ask you how I can help. I didn't know how to ask you how I could love you best in this season with two kids, it's chaos and you're working full time and all that. How do you want me to ask in the future when I'm unsure? Because I want to make sure I honor you with even how I ask, much less what I ask. And man, you guys are off to the races. If you have a four year old and a two year old, your life should feel like it exploded because it did. The only question is, what world are you two going to build starting tomorrow? Because y'all get to choose. You get to choose what happens next. Thanks for the call, my brother. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney from my friends at Helix, the makers of the best mattresses in the universe. I've spent most of my adult life on like borrowed mattresses or the cheapest mattresses available or some other mattress that over promises and under delivers. And I end up hot. I end up tossing and turning. Listen, I've struggled with sleep for most of my adult life, but sleeping on my Helix mattress has transformed my sleep. I'm getting into new levels of deep restorative sleep and they are super comfortable. I love my Helix. Everyone in my home sleeps on a Helix. And now, because I won't shut up about it, my friends and extended family are reaching out for their Helix too. And my friends and family are all different, just like all of you are all different. Everyone sleeps in their own unique way. So Helix has created different mattress models designed for side sleepers and stomach sleepers and back sleepers for everyone. And if your spine needs some extra love, they have mattresses for you too. Plus, Helix offers a hundred night free trial. And all Helix mattresses come with either a 10 or 15 year warranty. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to get online and take the Helix Sleep quiz. It's exactly what I did. It's going to help you find the perfect mattress for your sleep preference in under two minutes. And here's the best part. Right now, Helix is offering my listeners early access to their Black Friday sale. 25% off all mattress orders plus a free bedding bundle. Go to helix sleep.com DeLoney for details. And to save 25% off, that's helixsleep.com DeLoney because with Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, we are back. And questions for humans additions are back. Questions for humans Thanksgiving and Christmas editions. Go pick them up. And we got questions for humans, friends, parents and kids and couples. Volume three. Volume three, all new questions for you this holiday season. And we have a new questions for humans deck coming out in just a few weeks. So actually, by the time you get this, they'll already know about questions for humans intimacy deck. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And listen, also, y'all know I work for Ramsey Solutions. We're giving away 500 bucks in weekly prizes over this new season with a grand prize of 5,000 bucks. Just giving away cash for the holidays because why not? Because we love you. Go to Ramsaysolutions.com giveaway Ramsaysolutions.com giveaway there's going to be a whole bunch of other holiday [e-mail] at the store. Check out all the questions for humans, all new friends, parents, couples, decks, the intimacy deck, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's. Go check them out. Ramsaysolutions.com giveaway or Ramsaysolutions.com store thank you all so much for being with us today. We love you. Stay in school, don't do drugs. Make some plans for the holidays and live into them and be nice during the election season. God help us all. Love you. Bye.